Ep. 170 – Carmen San Diego

This is Bethany Frankel from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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I'm coming in with three drinks for the pod.

Nice.

Stay liquid.

It's underneath you.

You sat on it.

Oh, I think you unplugged my cell phone.

It was right underneath you.

Um,

there it goes.

Yeah, it's under your butt.

Here.

There's no

way to enter the couch, gracefully.

So, you know.

Nick's got a little obstacle course set up in his life.

I was trying to figure out what to donate to Goodwill, but it's like, you know, would it...

It's like, do you want wires?

Yeah, dude, they want a box of wires.

You guys have to drop off a bag and they'll they'll take anything.

Yeah.

That's what I do.

It's like a garbage bag of crap.

That's fucked up, dude.

I give them garbage.

The poor don't need your garbage, dude.

I write off the garbage on my taxes.

Oh, fuck, dude.

My ass cheeks.

My ass is playing the tuba right now.

I had food poisoning in Oakland.

And I thought I had a respite from it, but my shit's back.

Dude, I had this shit.

I got food poisoning.

Maybe you have colon cancer.

You think so?

Yeah.

Damn, that would be fucking gay, dude.

I'm going to love with you.

Yeah.

I would not want that.

Well, yeah, because they have to inspect your ass.

What happens if you get colon cancer?

Do you die?

Yeah.

Is there any chance?

Nah.

Fuck.

No, I think it's a high survival rate, cancer.

Really?

I have no idea.

Do they cut your ass?

I know.

Sicular cancer has got a pretty high.

Yeah, they just chop one of your nuts off.

Yeah.

Which seems fine.

You get a fake nut.

No, dogs get fake nuts.

No, you can get a prosthetic.

They don't give dogs fake nuts.

Well, you said dogs get them, but people don't.

Yeah.

They give dogs fake nuts sometimes.

They do.

They don't.

They definitely give dogs fake nuts sometimes.

When your dog gets neutered, they just remove your dog nuts.

Sometimes they give dogs fake nuts.

That's your choice.

You know a dog with fake nuts?

I think I do.

I don't recall one off the top of my head.

So you think this is an option for dogs, but not people?

Yeah, that's why would people get fake nuts?

You know it's fake.

Because you want to have like a balanced nut, sack.

If you get one nuts.

I think it would look cool to have a una nut.

Man, you just get dumber and dumber.

Dude, first of all, okay.

I'm willing to admit that sometimes people have the option to get fake nuts.

You can't not admit that.

But most

dogs can fit.

Not all dogs.

Some dogs.

They only have breast implants for parrots.

They don't make that.

If a woman gets gets a double mastectomy, she's SOL.

It doesn't make you more.

To have two nuts doesn't make you hotter.

Why are you talking about it?

And it's private.

Why would a dog need prosthetic nuts?

Why would any dog?

Why would we?

Sometimes dogs get fake nuts.

I promise you, motherfuckers, sometimes dogs get fake nuts.

You promise us?

Yeah.

Well, he's promising nuts.

I'm pretty sure, dude.

He promises that he's pretty sure.

Or maybe somebody told me that as a joke, they got their dog fake nuts.

I don't remember.

That sounds like a very funny joke.

The point is,

I think you can get dogs fake nuts.

A man who laughs at everything, you're bad at determining what's serious.

That's the joy of my life, dude.

I don't know what's a joke.

I think everything's a joke.

Yeah.

And everything's real at the same time.

That's similar to the duality of having a hard-ass dick.

Yeah, that's that's exactly what that's about.

I have a friend who got his nut chopped off and he only rocks one nut.

Do you know anyone with a fake nut?

How about we do it that way?

I know Tom Green had a nut removed.

Yeah, he got a fake one.

He did a fake one.

Comedian Dez Bishop has a fake nut.

Fuck, okay.

Two to one.

I actually don't know that for sure.

And I'm not sure.

I got specular cancer.

My friend Nate, one ball Nate, shouts out to him.

I just saw him actually in San Francisco.

He lives out there?

Didn't Duncan Trussell have nut cancer?

I don't know.

Did he?

I don't know.

I'm trying to think of comedians.

Because we all get cancer.

Fuck, if I have colon cancer, I'm going to be pissed.

It's not me.

It's the microphones.

They all give us cancer.

I'm going to go out smooth with a heart attack.

Old school.

That is cool.

Dad stuff.

Not even be in bad shape, but get a heart attack.

That's the coolest way to die.

Boom.

Explosion.

Yeah.

That would, yeah.

Fuck, sometimes.

Okay, I think I have hemorrhoids.

Does that mean you have colon cancer?

No, a hemorrhoid is like on your asshole.

Yeah.

It's not a good sign, though.

It's like your whole system is fucked up.

Well, you get hemorrhoids from shitting.

Shitting too much, and I love to shit, though.

Yeah, I shit all the time.

I love holding it down.

And by being fat.

Yeah.

So that's two things that I have going against me.

Your fat's pushing your asshole inside out, and that's what causes the hemorrhoids.

Yes.

I mean, it is.

I know.

Yeah.

And sitting down.

I always used to, it was always funny when you would do that joke where you're like, your medical opinion is that I'm so fat it's causing causing me issues.

No, that's not the point.

You fucking retort.

He's so fat that he has to piss.

There's got to be a different answer to why I'm pissing all the time.

I checked diabetes.

I checked all the other fat people shit.

He was just like saying that it squeezes me.

And I he just, we've talked about this before.

That guy, Dr.

Jasomet, was on his way out for a fucking tennis match or whatever the fuck.

He was wearing a little windbreaker.

He was going skiing, actually.

I just remembered.

Oh, so he kind of just made some skinny.

He was just literally, he's a piece of shit.

And if I see him in the streets, it's on site.

And I still pop.

And he was like, the one thing he said, he was like, okay, we can either do that or we can, the other thing we can do is this test where we put

a tube up your ass and a tube in your dick hole and we fill you up with liquids and see how long it takes for you to piss.

We empty you out completely, so we suck liquids out of your cock through a straw and then we put

piss back in your dick.

Maybe not piss, maybe something else.

And while something's in your ass for some reason, so they check your prostate.

And I was just like, No, I'll just piss all the time.

Healthy at any size, baby.

It's not a disease.

It's a lifestyle.

That's a pissing issue.

It's not a fat issue.

You're like the lizzo of comedy.

I never said healthy at any size.

That's a straw man that you guys are creating right now.

It's an identity.

It's not

a healthy issue.

i don't find it to be an identity

it's a community i'm not in would you i mean it is a community would you call being black a disease no then you wouldn't call obesity a disease no that's not what i'm saying rich cultural history the point is i didn't want tubes in my ass and dick at the same time robust and stately individuals

i think i just have a fucked up penis i don't think yeah i don't think it's because i'm fat necessarily so if he was like we think the issue is that you have a fucked up penis.

Yes, that's yes.

But it's your bladder, not your dick.

Whatever it is.

Figure out what the fucked up thing is.

If he was like, your dick's too small.

No, I can't hold a lot of piss.

How small your dick is.

So

that's the answer.

Honestly, if there was a solution and that was the problem, yes.

If he was like, your dick is too small, but if we put a little something...

We put a little extra cartilage in there or something, it'll solve your problem.

All I was looking for was a solution.

And this man, this fat phobic doctor, tried to blame it on

here.

You go with your identity stuff.

He tried to blame it on my fat.

If he was like, listen, if you lose weight, it'll definitely stop.

But he was like, I don't know, maybe you're too fat.

So he was, you know, what I changed my mind.

I am a man.

And the doctor said that I got HIV from having unprotected gay.

No, it is not the same thing, you motherfucker.

This homophobic doctor said that I got HIV died

from getting blasted constantly at the Greyhound.

He did not fix my problem.

If he had said, lose 50 pounds, you won't piss anymore.

That's not what he said.

He was like, just lose weight, we'll see.

I'm not losing weight just to see.

Yeah, you have to be sure.

To be sure.

Sure.

Instead of just sitting with sunglasses on and a cane in the doctor's office, he's blind now.

I'm not losing weight just to see.

There's got to be more incentive.

I can still smell and taste all the chocolates.

Honestly, in terms of enjoying chocolates, sight is the lowest on the totem.

Honestly, the next move for you should be becoming blind and getting really into Zytego music.

What's Zydego?

You know, it's like the music from the Popeyes commercials.

Oh, being one of the music.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be a good second act.

Yeah.

Why is it?

Bluegrass.

Have a little motorized wheelchair.

Go by Dr.

Stavros.

That would be good.

You're right.

Suck that penis.

Why are people going nuts about Popeyes right now?

They got a new fried chicken sandwich.

And it's good?

I have not tried it because I have been actually on a bit of a health kick.

Yeah, you're looking good.

So, thank you, Adam.

So, I have been.

It's been hard for me not to try the new Popeye sandwich, but apparently, that is a competitor.

They've disrupted the market.

And Chick-fil-A is running scared

with a homophobic asses.

Honestly,

Yeah, I would love to do this.

Yay!

We could play the washboard.

I would like a jug.

I would like to play a jug.

A jug and a washboard.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr.

Stop Rose.

How y'all doing tonight?

How you doing?

I like that style of music.

They just play garbage,

different pieces of trash.

Yeah.

Mobradiator.

The spoons.

I was really into the spoons for a hot the saw.

People can play a saw.

Yeah.

That looks cool.

The theremin is the gayest of all the instruments.

No, theremin's cool.

Would you like to play the theremin, but it's you like it?

You like it because it's an antenna and you have antennas.

Dude, you saw the Brett Stevens news today.

Yeah, dude.

It's been a tough one.

Finally, I feel seen.

Wait, theremin's don't have antennas.

I thought it was just cups that you play.

No, it's like an antenna.

You're thinking of a cup of color.

You put your hand in between these two antennas.

No, isn't that called something else?

No.

When it's just a bunch of glasses and like wine glasses?

It's called a glass harmonica.

It's one of the things Ben Franklin invented.

And people are like, wow, look at this thing that no one will ever use other than to point out that Ben Franklin invented it.

That's the thing, man.

People talk about Ben Franklin, inventor.

Yeah.

It's like, what the fuck did he ever invent that has any value?

Fucking bifocals.

That's big.

Bifocals.

Bifocals is big, though.

That's one thing.

That's pretty big.

It's also like one other thing.

Somebody was sooner or later, somebody else.

Yeah, but you could say that of almost everything.

Yeah.

He probably invented some kind of self-suck machine we don't even know about.

Yeah, he definitely involved

his personal sexual inventions.

I mean, he died of syphilis, no?

Everybody died of syphilis back.

He invented the lightning rod.

What?

And what's the point of that?

So you get electricity.

from the house from burning down.

Who gives a shit?

Yeah, good point.

The Franklin stove?

Yeah, a stove in the middle of your house.

We see that all the time.

Well, it used to be a thing that's

cold.

People heat yourself up.

Yeah, you know what's a better invention than that?

The George Foreman grill.

And that was invented by a mentally retarded man.

I don't think it's a good thing.

He even invented it.

He invented it.

And he couldn't.

No, Hulk Hogan famously

missed out on the end of the day.

Well, they said, do you want to invent the George Foreman grill?

And he said, no, brother.

No, brother, my name is Hulk Hogan.

I'm down here in Tampa having sex with children.

Saying the N-word, having sex with children and radio show hosts' wives.

HH.

He invented the hand paddle, which is a device worn by swimmers during training.

What?

He swam.

Well, you don't need to be a swimmer to invest in.

The hand paddle.

That sounds stupid.

Next,

what else?

The Glass Harmonica bifocals.

Oh, it is called the glass harmonica.

Glass harmonica.

This MH.

I thought it was a glass harmonica.

Pardon me, the cat.

It's a harmonica with a.

Get him.

Get him, kitty.

That's giving me allergies.

That's why Nick got a cat.

He made the

Franklin's electrostatic machine, one of those balls where you touch it.

That's cool.

That's cool.

It doesn't really have a lot of power.

No, but what are those?

Those are are called

Gadson

generators.

Nah, there's a name for those.

No, I don't think that's.

You're thinking of the one.

Because there's Tesla coils, and then there's the fucking

the other thing they have at science museums.

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, the thing we put your.

Yeah, the thing you put your fucking hand in.

So he was an avid swimmer.

Damn.

And when he was 11, he invented swimming fins.

Was he ever hot or was he always fat?

Yeah, you never really see the young.

You never see the young guys.

George Washington, apparently, was a redhead who was hot.

Yeah, and he was tall, too.

He was tall.

Oh, you know what he invented also?

The urinary catheter.

Whoa.

That's a huge one, Nick.

Yeah, well, apparently it's useless, according to Stop.

I didn't say it was useless.

I said I didn't want one shoved in my dick hole.

He said that they don't do anything.

Oh, now this website says Armonica.

Whoa.

So Nick was

Nick is vindicated.

No, not necessarily.

His bitch ass.

I feel like these are a lot of good inventions.

I think so, too.

Thomas Jefferson invented, too.

Didn't he make up

the elevator?

Thomas Jefferson invented almost everything.

Thomas Jefferson?

Yeah.

He invented our democracy.

Oh, yeah.

Why did you say Thomas Jefferson?

As opposed to what, George Jefferson?

Yeah.

I don't know.

One of the other Jefferson involved.

I don't fucking know, dude.

Instantly after saying it, I was like, yes, you fucking idiot, Thomas Jefferson.

I was trying to place him.

Yeah, all of those guys, because back then,

everyone was retarded.

So to be a genius, it was very easy.

That's true.

Yeah.

That is very true.

TJ was also famously dipping down with a swirl.

Yeah, there was like one guy that was like...

I just said something.

Adam wants to let everyone know that he he has no sex no

shut up well then why'd you say same that's true just you know because as a bit oh well just own it then why'd you whisper same barely off mic yeah because like you make it worse so stop and i could have a little moment like guy talk kind of moment oh that's why you called us out because you saw us doing locker room talk Yeah, because Nick's not an athlete like us, man.

Yeah, that's true.

He invented the Ozani one of us that's in shape.

Yeah, but you're not in the shape of That's true, dude.

I'm 10 pounds underweight.

You're in shape, but you don't have the heart of an athlete.

What's that?

He invented an odometer for a carriage.

What?

So you could tell how far the carriage goes.

The horses?

Yeah.

Like in a car.

Yeah.

Huh.

Interesting.

Who?

Thomas Jefferson?

No, Ben Franklin.

Ben Franklin can still fuck off.

Right, he's done so much good shit.

Nah, this is Nick's fat phobia, dude.

That's what this is.

Ben Franklin wasn't even that fat.

He was pretty fat.

He was maybe for like, you know, San Francisco, but that's what everybody in Austin just looks like Ben Franklin.

Everyone has that long.

Oh, you know what?

Ben Franklin made this everyone in Austin looks like Ben Franklin, and they just fuck hot 20-year-olds just constantly.

Do I need to move to Austin?

Actually, honestly, yeah, you clean up in Austin.

If all you gave a shit about was getting pussy, as soon as you hit 32, you should just move to Austin, get sleeves, and then you fuck girls with nautical sardines.

You can just wreck till 50.

That would be awesome.

They're like, yeah, I'm like, you know.

He's pretty fat.

What does he look like young?

I don't know.

Good point.

Yeah, no, that's because the way Adam gets too much pussy in New York because of all these ladies that wanted

to instead have seen Andy Hall and think about it.

I need to go to Austin.

That's true.

Okay, so when he retired, he wanted to spend his time reading and studying, but he found this is very good.

Look how gay he looked young.

That is crazy.

Nah, check out the waves, dude.

Wave check, dude.

Wave check.

I love the idea of Ben Franklin sleeping with a do-rag on.

Getting his waves right.

Slapping his head.

I guess that's for weird.

Yeah, come on, man.

You're exposing yourself as not understanding the black community.

The hair stuff, maybe not.

Okay, so.

Yeah, what is he eating?

Fried chicken?

Shut up, shut up.

This is a Kool-Aid.

So Ben Franklin found it difficult to reach books on high shelves.

Respect.

The fact guy probably.

He invented that little claw with the dinosaurs.

So he did.

Yeah.

He literally did.

Even though he had many grandchildren to help him, he invented a tool called a long arm to reach the high books.

I mean, that's barely an invention, man.

Now I'm with Nick.

A long wooden.

No, I mean, this is a good one.

A long wooden bowl with a grasping claw at the end.

He invented that.

Yeah.

That's a fat man.

I'm actually with Nick on that one.

That's fucking good.

That you should be all about that.

Someone would have made that.

Also, a little ladder.

Someone would have made that.

What does that mean?

He was the first one.

That's what an inventor is.

I guess, but that one's stupid.

it's stupid yeah it's like if it never existed it's like i i guess yeah also who didn't he have some weird fucked up recipe for like milk punch weren't you saying that

nick did you tell me that i don't think he wrote the anarchist cookbook he made some kind of disgusting his recipes were bad i think i feel like somebody told me that but who knows the franklin stove is important because it was like a furnace for people's homes okay shut up dude now we've talked about it so long i'm anti-ben anti-Ben, and he's one of my heroes.

This is what I mean.

It's like the more you make people defend Ben Franklin, the dumber his shit gets.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like, yeah, I understand it heated people's houses, but it's one of those like multi-use things that's worthless.

Like a futon or a fucking spork.

I think a spork is

a conversion van.

Conversion van is good for

fucking inside of.

Unfortunately,

it's also used for non-consensual.

You can fuck in any car.

Not with ease.

Yeah.

Well, conversion vans, you can't.

Have you been in the back of one?

There's a little table for playing cards.

You could fuck on that table.

Not really.

Better than you could

in the front seat of a Corolla.

Conversion vans are sick because it's like, yo, what if you're just driving around with your boys and you want to get a game going?

Yeah.

There's such a sick van on the next block over for me.

I walk my dog past it.

Do you know what a Mitsubishi Dalisa is?

De Lika?

That sounds tight.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those shits are so tight.

Yeah.

I really want one.

The Mitsubishi Dalisa.

Yeah, they're like those, what are they, MRVs or whatever?

Those, like, 80s.

Yeah, like cab over.

I'm naming my daughter Dalika.

Dalika Hella.

Look at this shit.

Oh, yeah, that rocks.

That shit's tight.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

There's a

there's a really there's like a stay-at-home dad who drives that car.

I see him around the neighborhood during the day.

Nice.

And he's got the best life, bro.

That's good.

He looks good.

I want to fucking be a sugar, a sugar boy.

Dude, I would love to be a stay-at-home dad.

Oh, absolutely.

Trophy husband?

I would rock it, bro.

I'd fuck around with the kids, you know, help them with their homework and shit.

Yeah.

Smoke weed all day.

Fucking weed watch fucking Caillou.

Hell yeah.

Damn, my tummy hurts.

Get into different hobbies that never really go anywhere.

Yeah, I'm trying to find weird cabover vans that I would want to drive.

Yeah, I would love.

I'm going to be a fan of the business.

I went to this Mitsubishi Delisos.

These are cool.

The Nissan Vanette.

Those are cute.

Very similar.

It was men who'd riped me

and men who.

Isn't it special because

you photoshopped that van on stage

standing in front of a mic stand?

And then it's still the same audio from there and

it was men who'd raped me.

And men who

actually riped me.

And said, because he was good,

They said he was good.

She's gotting you special out of colon.

You have a nasty bruise on your face.

I know.

I don't know how it happened.

Yeah, that you have

colon cancer, man.

I don't have colon cancer.

Colon, I thought, is in your ass.

Yeah, but I mean, you're like...

You get spots from cancer.

You're rotting from the inside out.

And it's a bruise from being active.

Oh, okay.

Saw's been working with a personal trainer.

Thank you, Adam.

I didn't want to announce that a few years ago.

It's okay.

Yes, I need a stronger man to control my body.

I would love just a stronger buddy to tell me what heavy things I need to lift.

I lift heavy things.

He tells me he's proud of me.

He says that?

No.

He's never watched me.

When I told you he's proud.

Well, we've just started working.

It's been, you know, four weeks.

You just started crying during a training session, being like, you've never told me.

Yeah.

Damn, Nissan kept making that gay van forever.

The bandits.

It was imported here for like two years, and then Americans were like, gay.

Sorry, gay.

And then in Japan, they're like, but we like gays.

We like gay cars.

And they kept making it.

Yeah, here's a 2009 Vanette.

Wait, it looks old.

Yeah.

It doesn't look 10 years old.

It looks like from the 90s.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

My stomach is fucked.

This sucks.

Living rooms, bedrooms, and then that.

Oh, yeah.

You can find them at the market.

We talking about flea market.

Well, I'll tell you what, folks, if you like gambling,

you'll like a new.

legitimate gambling website that definitely doesn't fuck people over for real this season.

For real, we promise the Chamber of Commerce.

Then I would only recommend this service, mybookie.com.

Forget any other bullshit gambling website.

If you've ever gambled at other websites, you're probably fucking getting deposits.

You're an idiot.

Yeah.

You're dumb.

I don't know who would have told you to do that.

Come on, man.

Why do you think the first company that fucking advertised with us would be legitimate?

It took a while.

It takes a while.

You got to wait around till you find the right company.

And here's the thing.

There's starter websites, and then you find

the real,

then you don't get ripped off.

Everyone remembers their first car.

They were raped by the salesman.

Everyone was sexually assaulted by the salesman.

And they left the parking lot crying and confused, empty-handed, with

their $20,000 in cash taken away from them, and they've been sodomized by a car dealer.

Everyone remembers that.

The second car, the Nissan Van Ed, beautiful.

Has also been sexually assaulted.

Oh,

the salesman there, they'll cry with you.

And that's kind of what mybookie.com is.

That's right.

It's the second, it's the best

gambling online sports book website.

It's what makes my bookie always the right play.

Oh, that's the smart play.

You bet, you win, they pay.

I love that shit.

They pay, you bet.

You bet they pay.

You bet they pay.

They pay you.

You bet they pay.

You bet they pay.

No, money down.

My Bookie has live in-game betting on every NFL.

They've got the most rewarding player perks in the business.

And for you fantasy guys out there, so if you like imagining that your wife is seven

unicorn with a big-ass dick and you're having sex with a child.

a 400-foot woman is

if your fantasy is that you're shoplifting Skittles and your wife is a neighborhood watch guard.

Oh, that's kinky.

Yeah, that is kinky.

Hole playing.

That's what they call it.

Oh, yeah.

You can bet the over-under on how many fantasy points a player will score each game.

You will love mybookie.com.

You can even bet the over-under on how many fantasy points a player will score each game.

I just said that.

Yeah.

Oh, you're also the game?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm looking at the read as well.

You're looking at the stuff.

You also have this stuff.

How about this?

It's a new season.

Antonio Brown is on the Raiders.

He's on the damn Raiders playing with his little hand.

Raider Nation, baby.

Le'Veon Bell is over here with the Jets.

Maybe we'll hang out with him.

And Odell in motherfucking Cleveland.

Cleveland.

Believeland.

I didn't even know Cleveland was real until my bookie.com told me.

That's so true.

It'll teach you.

That's the other thing.

If you want to learn geography.

I thought it was a joke from The Simpsons.

I didn't realize Cleveland was a place that existed.

Yeah.

It's the place to bet on football every weekend.

Every motherfucking weekend.

We got bonuses.

If you've got a wife that's trying to say you can't bet on stuff, you'd be like, honey, shut up, bitch.

This is a new.

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there's nothing you can do about the past you can't change now are you now you're gonna stay a loser who's mad or are you gonna double double or nothing win it all the fuck back on the back at mybookie.com mybookie.com instead of any other sport no other don't ever use any other sport if you ever do we'll fuck you up we'll fuck you six ways.

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You don't even pay that $100 to MyBookie.

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Wow.

And we're black.

And we're mother friggin' black.

We're black.

How about that?

A children's movie called We're Black, and they bring dinosaurs back, and they're like, man, you said there'd be motherfucking, we'd be

lettuce.

Black dinosaurs love lettuce.

lettuce?

Well, I don't know.

I'm trying to think of what dinosaurs eat.

Something they eat lettuce.

Some of them have lettuce.

They're big turtles.

They herbs, I imagine they love.

Yeah, lettuce.

Did they have lettuce?

Isn't lettuce like a cultivated thing?

They used to have lettuce on the ground.

Lettuce on the crash.

They said it was going to be cabbage.

There would be cabbage, I guess.

You know, a triceratops.

I guess the triceratops was black in that movie.

His name was Woog.

Wait, which one?

And we're back.

I've never seen that.

Oh.

There's two brothers.

One's good, one's evil.

Both of them have time machines.

Nice.

The evil one goes back in time.

Oh, wait, maybe I have seen that.

The evil one goes back in time and captures dinosaurs to use them in the circus.

The good brother feeds them pills that makes them smart.

And then the smart dinosaurs become like gay and cartoonish and befriend children.

So the regular dinosaurs are still like angry and.

Well, it's weird because the good brother actually subjugates.

Curses them with the punishment of consciousness.

That's a much worse.

A T-Rex needs to kill things to eat.

Right.

You know, I mean.

He doesn't have to think.

Now he's got to think about whether it's moral or not that he's killing them.

Yeah, so the evil brother is actually the good one, or at least that was my takeaway as a child.

Damn, why the circus?

Couldn't you, like, clone them and make more money or some shit?

I I don't know, but the the circus is in Central Park at night, and it's like a punk rock circus.

Oh, cool, yeah.

Yeah.

Is that involved a spaceship, too?

Yeah, well, the time machine is, like, a spaceship.

Okay, maybe.

I think I have seen that movie.

Yeah.

But I don't recall any of the details.

I've never seen that.

It's my evil brother.

He went mad after the loss of his eye.

And instead of an eyeball, he just has a screw in his face.

Yeah, I remember this movie.

Yeah.

What is it a cartoon?

Yes.

What the fuck?

What do you mean, is it a cartoon?

I've never seen it.

Well, how would it be live action?

It could be live action.

A lot of movies are.

Adam, if you mind not moving around so much, your diaper's picking up on the mic.

I'm sorry.

We can hear your diaper scratching.

You know I don't wear a diaper.

Well, then what's that sound?

Adam, I'm just letting you know when you fidget like that.

You're wearing what you're not wearing.

It doesn't matter.

The point is, just stay still.

Just stay still.

For the sake of the recording.

I'm staying as still as I can.

I've been a statue this entire episode.

Your diaper's pink.

Look, I'm not trying to be.

I'm not trying to be fucked up or anything, man.

Listen, we'll cut all this out.

Don't worry.

Please.

Just admit you're wearing a diaper and we'll cut it out.

Just say you're wearing a diaper and we'll cut it later.

You will cut it?

We will.

Just admit that you're wearing a diaper.

So, why do you need me to admit it?

We'll go ahead and cut it.

Just go ahead and we'll cut it, no problem.

Just go ahead and cut it later.

Just say you're wearing a diaper.

Just go ahead and admit you're wearing a diaper and we'll go ahead and cut it.

I'm wearing a diaper.

Oh, it looks like the cutting device is.

Oh, no, I thought you do that in post.

No, well, we mail the podcast off, and that office is closed today.

Yeah, dude.

That's what they do.

That's what you do it in post means is that you mail it.

Go to the post.

You have to watch it posts the mail.

The mail.

Shit.

So that's not going to happen, I guess.

Yeah, damn.

It's okay.

People might not have heard it.

Anyway,

I tried playing some Gran Turismo last night.

Couldn't do do it.

For old time's sake?

Shoulder is just done.

Fuck, dude.

For the rest of my life.

Your shoulder's too injured for your toy car and yours.

Yes.

Literally, yes.

What's wrong?

I mean, regular.

I just have like a chronic shoulder injury.

Driving a car, even like doing this is painful.

Like

anything like that.

No dabbing?

Yeah, I can't do anything where I cross my arm over like my body.

Maybe you need surgery.

I mean, I probably do.

It's been like that for years.

What was the inciting incident?

I have no idea.

Probably lifting weights incorrectly, like 10 years ago.

That's what I'm telling you, dude.

You don't have the heart of an athlete.

What do you mean?

I've continued to exercise even though I have.

I'm doing racing.

Your body, despite the fact that I have a chronic injury.

That's way more

than the heart and the mind.

You're not meant for it.

Your body's not meant for it.

Your body's not meant for it.

You were handicapped for three months because you tried to take the stairs up at the two-story water burger.

No, that's not true.

He played basketball for three minutes.

Yeah, because you two quit on me.

We didn't quit on me.

And I was never involved in this.

I told Louis

to play with strangers.

I didn't get the email.

No, they wanted to do a three-on-three podcast basketball.

That's right, and I was the only one.

No one comes to me.

And because I was shouldering all the burden.

I actually went to a driving range three days ago, so I'll have you know.

We're at Chelsea Piers?

Chelsea Piers.

Have you been?

I haven't been to that one, but I love going to driving ranges.

It's amazing.

It's so sick.

Right on the front.

Right on the water.

It is cool.

We went at sunset, and it's like, damn, I'm rich now.

That's sick.

In high school, we used to get a 30-rack of brews.

Best shit happened, though.

So they have a machine that automatically tees up the ball, and it just comes out of the ground.

So this thing got broken or whatever.

Like, the ball wasn't coming out.

So I hit the attendant button, and I'm looking around, and no attendants coming, but there's a guy walking around.

And eventually he walks by, and I'm like,

you know, and like without, like, he doesn't look at me, doesn't make any kind of contact, just rips a fucking vacuum cleaner out of like some closet and comes over and just tears the top of the machine off.

And then just starts

beating the thing with the end of the vacuum, and he's like, like, look, he's just pissed about something else, right?

I don't know what it is, but just how much that guy hated his job.

It was just like, this rules,

Yeah, fuck him.

Yeah, watching people just lose their shit is the best.

Damn.

What were you hitting with?

A driver?

I don't know.

I just said, give me the thing.

69 iron.

I've been to a driving range maybe three times in my life.

I don't remember, you know, I don't know shit about golf.

Yeah.

I know.

I did the hell can actually suck my dick.

It's like, I know

how to like

hit the ball.

And that's, you know, that's really all you need.

The rest is chance.

It's like poker.

That's so true.

That's true.

It's a game of chance.

Everyone just closes their eyes and hits the T, and then they're like, well, I guess that's a good shot.

I'm going to say I don't like basketball because it's basically 98% chance.

It's all chance.

I'm sure there's some skill you could develop in terms of knowing what the ball looks like or whatever.

Outside of that, it's mostly luck of the draw.

You throw it, maybe it goes in, maybe it doesn't.

Yeah, that is true.

Those are words to live by.

Statistically speaking, you pair up any two people in the game of basketball, and they have a 50-50 chance.

If they played an infinite amount of games, one person would win 50 times, the other person would win.

Yeah, that's true.

So you versus within an infinite number of games,

you would have exactly 100%.

50% is what I think.

So if you played LeBron James in basketball infinity times,

half the time I would win.

I agree.

That's just probability.

That is a slip of a coin.

That is is called a mathematical determinant

a mathematical probabilical determination

yes sir

damn dude I don't remember the last math I learned yeah if a train leaves st.

Louis

and another one leaves Cleveland

and they're speeding towards each other yes at 380 miles per hour

and they collide.

And one train weighs a million pounds.

And the other one weighs two million pounds.

And

one is filled with feathers.

And one of them is filled with feathers.

But they hit each other so hard that they both go up at the same time.

Yeah.

And they go into space.

Yes.

Where there's less gravity.

True.

But also less friction.

So now both of the trains are moving through space.

At the same speed.

At the same speed.

Without gravity or friction.

It's just been a blank spot for your answer.

This is no question.

What do you think about that?

What is the deal with that?

That's pretty fucked up, huh?

Yeah.

Marcus, did you replace the standardized test with your own question?

I thought maybe it was, you know, I could do it in a way where the children have more fun.

I thought maybe we should update some of these questions, you know, because of Tesla.

Yeah, right.

The trains don't use motors anymore, so I thought some of the math problems were racist

against the students whose parents have Teslas.

Dude, I remember being a little ass kid and seeing those problems that were like Cleveland and something MPHs, and I was like, bro, when I learn how to do this, I'm going to be smart as smart.

When I learn these shits, dude, the ones about

a different speed.

I remember that because it was so easy.

They would hype them up on TV or whatever.

That'd be like the kind of shit that like Cody on Step by Step.

Right.

Like, I got to study for the big train leaving the station.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I remember my reaction was the opposite.

I was like, fuck that.

Dude, I'm never fucking doing anything.

Dude, I was like, I'm never learning shit.

Well, because it seemed so crazy that you'd be able to find that out.

Yeah.

And it's obviously so easy.

It's just like you multiply whatever the fuck times, however many hours.

Remember being obsessed with weapons?

Weapons?

Yeah.

I was too scared of weapons.

I know.

I knew all about like Thompson submachine guns and fucking M16s and AK-47s and like...

That's so fucking funny.

Yeah, I was really into like...

Into weapons.

Yeah, and into like hydrogen bombs and ICBMs and understanding like what.

Why?

Because of video games?

No, not even.

I just thought it was cool.

Yeah.

I mean, I would go to like the Air and Space Museum.

I was like fascinated with the atomic bomb.

And,

you know.

Yeah, seeing those big missiles.

It's like, damn, we could like kill everyone.

Everyone on the planet.

We would all just kill each other.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was fascinating.

Yeah.

I never.

I would get excited about that.

But outside of that, I didn't like learning.

Like fourth grade.

Fourth grade.

That's so fucking good.

Just drawing guns.

Yeah, no, literally.

Drawing guns.

Drawing the radioactive symbol over and over again.

Yep.

Drawing bombs.

I only was.

I was fascinated by like nuclear shit because I didn't understand it.

I thought it was just magic.

Yeah.

And I wanted A superpowers.

But you didn't understand it?

No, not at all.

Why?

What about it didn't you understand how it could be that powerful?

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I still

split a suit.

You split Adam or some shit for some reason

makes so much fucking power.

What the fuck?

It's like all this shit that was like theoretical physics, and they were like, I mean, try it.

Let's just smash uranium together.

And then it creates this giant explosion.

You're like, fuck,

I guess it checks out.

Well, time to kill a a bunch of Japanese people

It's really fucked up.

That we could just end the world

Yeah, I don't well those Japanese

I think it's cool actually Adam.

Yeah

well hold on.

Let me ask you this well never mind.

I'll ask you again you ask me like three minutes or something?

I'll ask you in like three and a half literally like three seconds.

Okay.

I'll ask you about one.

You know, another thing that happened

during World War II was the.

Take it away.

During World War II,

it was the first time that GIs were getting yadded.

They were getting yatted up.

So there were people being taken in trains.

Oh, is that what you want to talk about?

Yeah.

So basically, so they got, they were put on trains.

Oh, and you needed a way to.

And they were stuffed in the cattle cars, and they didn't go outside for like a mile.

You weren't going to learn their names.

You weren't going to learn the names.

So how did you keep track of them?

So

to keep track of them, you gave them a sick tattoo.

And, you know, it's funny.

It's like I always thought, like, why not gauge out their ears?

Yeah.

Why not give them glow sticks?

True.

It's very industrial.

You could take the gauges out.

Yeah.

But you know what's forever?

Yeah.

A beautiful tattoo.

I was laughing about

we do a Holocaust again here, but this time it's for Italians.

And they have a concentration camp so that whatever when you're here, your family is in German on the gates.

It's outside of the gates.

It says when you're here, your family.

It's just like good fellas.

They're all making fucking pasta in their cells.

I would love it if they did an Italian Holocaust.

Because Italian people would be like, this is okay.

It's okay to do this.

And we'd be like, yeah.

Yeah, fuck you.

Yeah, fuck you.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up, you dumb womp.

Shut up.

You're white.

You're white, basically.

Who cares?

You're the worst kind of white people.

Most racism is your fault.

It's the overt, obnoxious kind that nobody likes.

Yeah.

Anyways, yeah, so those tattoos or whatever, if you're going to be in Philadelphia, check out Benji Harris at the Philadelphia Tattoo Collective.

All right.

Benji, you said he's a friend of the show.

We thought it would be a good idea to get a local ad

for our international podcast.

On an international podcast, most of which the audience is in Norway.

Yeah, and Melbourne.

People don't understand that.

We're huge in Norway.

We actually are.

Really?

Yeah.

Should we go?

I would love to.

I mean, I was going to go to Norway by myself.

I was like, I'm going to go to the next metal kind of trip.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah, I was going to go to Adam Eat His Brain.

I was going to go to Norway on my own by myself and not invite you guys.

And not invite me?

Only invite one.

But Benji Harris is from Norway.

Benji, big dick Benji, he can really tattoo a fucking picture.

So tell you what, if you're going to be in Philadelphia, if you live in Philadelphia.

Or in the greater Philadelphia.

Why not get a tattoo from Benji Harris of the Philadelphia Tattoo Collective while you're there?

Don't want a tattoo?

Are you gay?

Sounds gay to me.

Sounds like you're gay.

Oh, you are gay.

Oh, you are.

That's whoa.

Well, then why don't you have a tattoo?

Yeah, dude.

Maybe you're one of these uncool gays that wants to join the military and suck off John McCain.

Uh-oh.

Too bad you've been.

Are you John McCain?

Are you trying to hide your identity after faking it up?

Oh, fuck.

Well, why not get a tattoo of Megan McCain's tits on your arm?

That's a great question.

Because the real John McCain wouldn't do something like that.

So if you're listening, John McCain.

So if this is John McCain,

go see Benji Harris of the Philadelphia Tattoo Collective to get a tattoo of Megan McCain's tits for half price.

If you're dumb enough to actually do it.

We'll pay for it.

We will not pay for it.

We're not going to pay for it.

And guess what?

If you think there's a veteran discount, fuck you.

Suck our fucking dicks, dude.

No veteran discounts.

You should have gone to college.

You should have gone to.

You should have taken your GI bill money and bought a gun to put in your mouth.

Well, I would just say you shouldn't have gone off for a college.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

That's disrespectful.

You could kill.

So, yeah, just go.

He's got some good shit.

He did a fucking tattoo of a guy with

his dick is out.

Yeah, there's a guy who's there is there's Satan, and Satan's got big, juicy titties.

That's one of the ones Benji did.

And Big Tit Satan.

Big Tit Satan that I'm actually kind of horny for.

The Frank Frazetta of Big Tit Satan.

That's what they're calling Benji.

He did a Princess Jasmine and Ariel tattoo.

These are good as shit, actually.

That looks pretty good.

Yeah, no, they do look good, which doesn't really make it easy to be like, ha.

No, he's a talented guy.

Well, we can mock him for being dumb as shit and buying the.

Buying an ad for the Philadelphia area.

Follow our boy Benji, too.

He's got a bench of Paul tattoos.

You can go to Instagram.com slash Benji Harris tattoos.

Or you can go to Instagram.com slash Philadelphia tattoo.

And both of them, one of them's for the second one's for the store itself.

I'm looking at his story.

He went on a hike yesterday.

He went on a hike.

Check out Benji's hiking.

Yeah, Benji really wants you guys to just watch his Instagram stream.

And then maybe,

maybe go get a tattoo.

He says it's 10% off if you pay with Bitcoin.

You said that?

Yeah.

Damn.

There's no promo code.

My man's stacking up Bitcoin.

There's real no way to track the effectiveness

of this ad or whatever.

Benji just wants to be mentioned.

Tell him.

If you're there, tell him you're from the show.

Damn, should I get a tattoo?

You should get a tattoo.

He's got a massive Dr.

Savros'

Zydego.

Yeah, they got it.

My cousin from Greece is calling me.

He's got a massive five-year-old.

Sorry, bitch, on podcast.

Private, high-end, appointment-only studio in Kensington, Philadelphia.

I don't know what you guys are doing.

It's appointment-only.

So if you try to walk in there, get your homeless ass and get the ball.

Get the fuck out of there.

You gotta make an appointment.

Why don't you go hang out at Subway and wait around to stab somebody?

Give yourself a fucking stick and poke, you fucking dumb bitch.

You can't afford Benji.

It's co-op, artist-owned, and operated the space, and it's all custom works from bangers to bodysuits.

He'll do pussies for free.

Yeah, so that's

what I'm saying.

If you want your little banger tatted up,

you get a bunch of ink injected into your pussy lips.

You can go down there.

They got 11 international award-winning tattooers running the gamut of styles.

Traditional, neo-traditional.

Only tattoos of Kiana Reeves.

Black workers.

Traditional means tattoos for white people.

Neo-traditional means Asians.

Black work is obvious.

Cover-ups is

full race change.

Permanent black face.

I'll go to the tattoo shop to get a full race change.

They'll just tattoo on red lips.

Yeah.

Pet portraits.

They'll tattoo your dog.

We'll shave your dog and tattoo it.

Secret messages.

We'll tattoo one of your dog's fake nuts, in fact, which he has.

As part of your kill switch, your dead man switch.

You shave your dog, you tattoo the location of Hillary Clinton's, the docks on Hillary Clinton's.

Oh, you have like a map on your dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, interesting.

Video game/slash anime.

So, that's awesome.

I know the big problem people have is they go to tattoo shops and they're like, I want this anime stuff.

Um, we don't like, get the hell out of here, mega man only.

We don't do gay stuff like that.

Well, they'll do video game anime stuff, they do realism, the hipster Pinterest, tiny tats.

Oh, they'll even do little gay shit like that.

Yeah, yeah, like it's like a fat girl with like a just a triangle.

Yeah, just the outline of a shit.

Yep.

Just a big

girls love those small ones.

Well, they're dumb.

On their hands.

They're fucking dumb.

Like the arm.

Mm-hmm.

What do you mean?

Like right here.

Yeah.

Well, they do them like small ones on their fingers.

You know what's a slutty tattoo that I like a lot?

What's that?

The fucking bows on the back of the thumb.

You do like the bows?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's such trash.

I like paw prints on the titties.

That one's

that is horrific.

Like Eve, the word, dude.

Yeah.

I like seeing a imagining there's a bear tearing this woman's breasts.

He said,

rather than a promo code, I'd like to do something fun.

If you guys come up with some totally horrific ideas for stupid tattoos, try to keep it to like five-word descriptions or less.

Maybe I could do one or two.

All right, how about this?

A swastika.

Nick.

But every branch of it is the N-word.

That is horrific.

That does fit the nickname.

You go there, get that tattoo.

50% off.

I like that.

And a swastika made out of the N-word.

That's good.

What about

you tattoo

around your dick a little a baby?

So it looks like you have...

It look like on your stomach.

It's a baby, but it looks like it has a man's penis.

Oh, like a baby with a penis.

Yeah, yeah.

That's just a cool tattoo.

Somebody, I saw online, a woman got a tattoo of like a baby being raped around.

Oh, no.

Like anti-chemistry.

Which, queen.

What queen?

Like, do you have to put your hand over a stomach, or I guess you just get used to fucking a child?

I have no idea.

I mean, it's not like that's like Pam from the office.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

I have a little tattoo.

You're not taking off Pam Beasley's shirt.

Hmm.

What about an asshole tattoo?

Like a tattoo around your asshole.

That'd be cool.

No, an asshole on your cheek.

I would get a Sublime Sun around my asshole.

That's good.

Black hole sun.

Oh, black hole sun, even better.

My dick's hard.

Black hole sun.

Won't you come

and fuck my ass okay?

Black hole son.

Won't you come?

Damn, what if that song is about a butthole?

Yeah, that's a good question.

Like brown-eyed girl.

Yeah.

Yeah, brown-eyed girl.

I fucked your asshole.

Oh,

fuck her ass.

Fuck her in the ass.

Ah,

my dick smells like shit.

My penis smells like shit.

Zoom, zoom.

Zoom, zoom.

You get the zoom zoom kid tattooed on your belly.

Yeah, zoom, zoom, zoom.

Yeah, zoom, zoom, zoom.

Dude.

Maybe you could do shading on your cock to make it bigger.

Like contour makeup?

Yeah, contour your cock.

It is nice knowing that the Zoom Zoom kid probably had to take a little trip to Epstein's Island with Brian.

Oh, yeah,

he had a couple of rough rides.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah.

Papa, I'm going to be in the commercial.

Watch that, Addie.

You're in the commercial.

No.

I have to fly on Plan Digger to be in commercial.

I'm so proud of you.

He's never said that, Nick.

You know for a fact he's never said that.

I'm going to roll a blade down to

the American Legion.

i'm gonna rollerblade down to the american legion they would never let him in i know they they bully me every time i go past there

but i'm gonna say my boy is in the picture

hey hey everybody there's that gay rollerblade guy

let's all laugh at him

80 year old veterans just in there playing cool

on a table that's missing a leg Calling your dad gay.

Yeah.

Nice rollerblades, gay boy.

You ain't never going to get in here to play shuffleboard.

A 50 cent Coca-Cola?

You can kiss my ass.

You're not getting in here.

It's the American Legion.

It's just for veterans.

Is that what the American Legion?

It's for like veterans and then they're friends.

But then you can just be like a friend and then at a certain point, there's no veterans there.

Because

I've been to them.

And I know the people I went to

weren't fucking veterans.

Right, right, right.

They always have wood-paneled walls.

They do.

They're disgusting.

Yeah.

So they're just brozon.

They got one in Chinatown, and I so desperately want to be a member of that lot.

Damn.

For the survivors of the rape of Nanking.

Yeah, dude.

Imagine the weird Chinese guys hanging out at the American Legion in Chinatown.

I walked past this today, the

Catholic War Veterans Clubhouse.

Look at the boys hanging out out front.

Oh, yeah, those guys are

these are perfect.

Yeah, they're just two fat Italian guys sitting out on look at the fupa on this guy.

Yeah, just sitting out like on the street on fucking beach chairs in front of the Catholic.

This guy is 90% pussy.

Yeah, hello.

Oh my god, Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah, respect.

Thank you for fucking surviving those wars.

Those guys stormed the beaches of Normandy so I could take a picture of them without their consent.

Yeah.

Of Catholic War veterans of the United States, Father Edward J.

Giorgio.

Hell yeah.

Dude, I want to go hang out at that clubhouse.

Yeah, name's Edward.

Edward J.

Giorgio.

Edward JiGiorgio.

Name's Giorgio J.

Giorgio John Giongi.

Nah, sorry, you had a stroke for a second day.

But no, that is my name.

I was just also having a stroke while saying it properly.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, so it's just

chill zones for the boys.

A place to get away from your wife.

Yeah.

After killing some fucking Japanese.

I would love, when I'm older, to have a clubhouse where we could all hang out, get away from our bitch wives.

Yeah, no, my cousin brought me to.

My cousin's grandpa, it's not my grandpa.

It's like his fucking girl.

On the other side of the family.

On the other side of the family.

uh, who was like, I guess, a farmer or something.

I don't know, he's just some dumb fucking, like, you know, he's some, some kind of redneck, I guess.

Yes, and he was like, you want to go shoot pool with the American Legion?

We were like,

it was me, my cousin, and then my cousin's sister's fiancé at the time.

Oh, right, right.

Because they're married now.

But

how old were you?

24, 25.

Gotcha.

So she's at home.

Yeah.

Well, no, this was.

You're visiting?

Maybe 26.

I can't remember.

It was like around Thanksgiving.

Yeah, in Virginia.

And then

he was like, you know, you want to just go shoot pool.

He presented it casually, like, let's go shoot pool before dinner.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, all right, fuck it.

Sure.

We go there, and we get there, and he's putting on a glove, and he's like screwing it, you know, a fucking pool queue together.

He's Paul Newman.

Yeah, and then it's just him and these old, like, American Legion guys, and they fucking made us play pool for like three and a half hours and like we're like they're like fucking just nailing all these shots and be our turn i'd be like oh i guess i fucked up again like come on you gotta focus you gotta do better it's like dude go home yeah fuck you you old bitch

i was just trying to fucking humor your old ass

this is fucking lame yeah yeah anyways that kind of ruined pool for me yeah you did have a zone where you were just shooting pool all the time yeah and ian too yeah yeah well because i lived by amsterdam and it was like something to do i don't drink right i don't like hanging out with comedians yes of course you know so the only thing to do is go shoot pool or yep you know go to the adidas store that's true when i lived in manhattan that's all i did

was i either went to the adidas store or i shot pool nice fuck or go read in a coffee shop and stare at women

growl at them with your big beard dude fucking there is nothing there is no point to trying to get work done at a coffee shop shop i can't do it it's just like oh yeah i'm gonna go make sure girls know that i know how to type

i'm gonna go make sure all these hot girl oh what yeah i'm typing i'm typing bitch i don't know if that gets your pussy wet but i'm i'm the kind of guy who types some things i'm going clickety clackety

i'm the kind of fella that fucks and types uh bitch if you're okay i'm leaving i'm leaving i could do this shit without even listening no i was born without any kind of internal monologue

It's a disease I have where I have to just announce everything.

I can't wait to get out of this fat Filipino's way.

What was that?

I just told you I had a problem.

Not a problem.

I have a disability.

Samoan.

Tomato.

I don't

leave me alone.

That part was external.

I don't.

Some of it was inside.

Do you remember when

your dick was small?

Chinatown, American Legion.

My dick is small and I do not.

What time should I leave for the airport if my flight's at four thirty?

My dick is small.

Um, you want to probably be there.

Probably Boars at four.

So be there.

I'll be there by three.

Yeah, I would say three.

So I'll leave in like fifteen, twenty.

Good.

Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, the American Legion.

It's got one review on Google.

Five stars.

Nice.

From K Chan.

Very active post.

Mm.

They got.

Do they ever bring whores in for the old guys?

No.

They should.

No, I think you're confused as to what an American Legion is.

Well, I mean, if you're there and it's just the fellas, why not bring whores?

They should bring some gals to come in and entertain the troops, if you know what I'm saying.

Suck off old guys.

Yeah.

What's the problem there?

Didn't Grandpa Simpson do that?

Dear Legionnaires, as we've informed our members in our last two newsletters, the Chinese-American World War II Veterans Congressional Gold Medal Act was passed by the House of Representatives, the U.S.

Senate, and signed into law by President Donald J.

Trump on December 20, 25th.

They never talk about the good things he does.

Yeah.

Only the negative.

We got a lot of these Chinese guys, they're shooting pool all day, and they just want battles.

And that's how we're going to win the trade war.

We're going to give them, they just want a little gold cat that waves, to be put in the lobby.

And I said, hey, that's fine.

Yeah, Trump made them all throw golden throwing stars.

They were on a lanyard.

Yeah, so this is the Lieutenant B.R.

Kim Lau Chinese Memorial Post 1291.

Nice.

How many Chinese fought for,

I guess, a nice amount?

They were on our side.

Didn't accidentally get interned.

Yeah, exactly.

American Legion.

Membership application form.

Name of applicant, service period, service number, social security number recommended by.

What if you join?

So to get into this one, you need your name, address, home phone, email address, Chinese name,

date and birth.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

You got to get into that one.

Oh, yeah.

What if you were in the fucking the weekend army?

What's that shit called?

The reserves.

Yeah, the guard, National Guard, or some shit.

Service number, social security number.

Fuck, I should enlist and then get fucking medically discharged just so I can get into that Chinese American language.

What would you choose your Chinese name to be, dude?

You need one.

Didn't you have one in Chinese class?

Jackie Chan.

You just put that down on the form.

Or Bruce Lee.

Just steal steal both both military and Chinese valor on the form.

Keep faxing it in over and over again.

Please stop responding.

Just keep trying.

Yeah, with different Chinese guys.

Yeah.

Yao Ming.

Bruce Lee.

Fucking Shredder.

Chow Young Fat.

That would be good, man.

Yeah.

I guess I ran out of Chinese guys.

Yeah, me too, pretty well.

Emperor Hirohito.

Yeah, that guy's Chinese.

When I watched Police Story last week, I forgot that Jackie Chan's character in that movie is named Kevin Chan.

Dude, I got it on Blu-ray.

I might do that once you look.

Actually, I got to finish watching Homicide.

I'm going to eat a couple of Hershey's Kisses, smoke my pipe, and watch Homicide Life.

It sounds really good, brother.

It does sound good.

Oh, guys, dude.

Tomorrow night.

It's fall today, at least.

I don't know.

It does, yeah, it is nice.

It feels really nice.

Oh, yeah, go see Adam tomorrow.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to go to the next one.

Go to Lodge Room.town and buy shirts.

If you're in Los Angeles, there's tickets available for the 9.30 show at the Lodge Room tomorrow night, the 29th.

You can buy shirts to wear to Adam's show at come.town.

And come see me the same day, Thursday the 29th in Seattle, and then Friday the 30th in Portland.

They will not be, if you wear a shirt, if you wear a Come cometown shirt to the show, you get special shirts.

You will get absolutely, I will spit on you unless you come in stavi baby merchandise.

There's nothing cool.

Anyone is not well.

You are not welcome in Nick's shirts.

There's nothing cooler than that.

I've been wearing the band shirt to the concert.

It's not a band.

It's not a band.

It's a stand-up comedian from a podcast.

Sav and I are going out solo acoustic this weekend.

Yeah, dude.

Call me fucking Bruce.

Call me by your gay.

Bruce Fuckstein.

Call me by your

call me by your lame call me by your call me by your suck me by your dick call me

I got nothing I got nothing sorry

I thought we were going somewhere well folks that ought to do it come see us this weekend I was on the fucking L train and it was like packed it was like rush hour

went into the city the other like yesterday morning or the day before that and uh it was just you know everybody's like real packed in and there was an African guy like a Nigerian guy or something, like on the train, like two heads away from me.

And he's like, oh, my goodness,

this, the train is crazy.

Which, I mean, he's, I mean, he's not wrong.

Yeah.

He's like, this, oh, my goodness.

You know, but I've done that voice so much that I'm like, come on, man.

Yeah.

That's two on the nose, bro.

Yeah.

Stop.

Stop trying to make me laugh this morning.

The train is so crazy.

I can't believe how crazy the train is back.

The other thing, when I come back from Greece, I'm going to be in Philly on the 21st.

Might add some shows there.

And then the weekend after, September 27th, 28th, 29th, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Indianapolis, and Louisville.

And I got more shit cooking, baby.

Coming to Houston in December, trying to get an Atlanta and Denver date going.

Fuck with your boy.

Fort Brain, Indiana.

Fort Brain, Indiana.

I'm about to get sucked up.

Civil War soldiers.

Bro,

come let me suck your dick.

Was Indiana in the States?

Yeah, that was a Union State.

I never know the geography of those places, dude.

They're all closer to the south than you realize.

What?

Indiana?

Yeah, dude.

Like, I'm going to Louisville after that.

That's only three hours away.

Yeah.

I'm going to eat some chips, everyone.

But Kentucky is upper south.

I guess that's true.

Yeah.

Like Kentucky, West Virginia, that's all.

Like, Virginia and fucking Tennessee are like next to each other, which is always

weirded me out.

It fucks with me too.

Yeah, Kentucky, Indiana, me too.

You never really get that border, yeah.

Yeah,

where else?

Ohio and Kentucky, right?

Yeah.

Because I went to Cincinnati and it was right by Kentucky or some shit.

Yeah, Cincinnati is

on the border.

Ohio borders

West Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Indiana.

Those Covcath kids were were from the Kentucky side of Cincinnati.

Also, that's where Jerry Springer paid for a whore with a check while he was mayor of Cincinnati and then got caught.

And then in a write-in campaign, the people of Cincinnati loved him so much.

He was re-elected.

For God loved the world so much, he gave them his only nut.

That's true.

The only time God ever nutted.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, if you think about it, you're God, right?

Yeah.

And you fuck up and you get just trash pussy because it's a human, so no matter what, that's it'd be like if you fucked a dog and then the dog got pregnant and then the puppy was like, Dad, I'm your kid.

It's like some half,

some fucked up mutant, and you're trying to go to shows, and this, like, dog mutants, like, why are you taking care of me?

Like,

I'm trying to work.

I'm trying to work and get pussy from human.

If the other dogs killed that dog, you'd be like, oh, damn, what a shame.

Damn, that's my only dog suspect.

Yeah, that's,

that doesn't really hold up.

Listen, I'm Jewish.

Take that, Christian.

I don't know a lot about the New Testament, but I don't think God ever actually physically fucked Mary.

Yeah, what happened is the archangel sucked God's dick.

He came in his mouth and he spit it into Mary's pussy.

Oh, like a snow blow.

It was a snow.

Yeah.

What was that called?

Snowballing.

Snowballing.

Snowballing.

Snowballing situation.

Snowblowing.

Snowblowers creep me out.

Why?

They're like leaf blowers for the snow.

No, I mean, snowblowers are the things that make snow.

Oh, what's the thing that blows snow away?

Maybe that's not anything.

Maybe, yeah, there is.

No, that's not any theory.

Oh, never mind.

There's not a thing that blows snow away.

I thought that they have like leaf blowers.

No, bitch, you're just thinking of a leaf blower you're going to be.

Sorry, I grew up on the west coast.

I don't know about these suburban cold weather statements.

Shut up.

Yeah, what do you think a lawn mower is, huh?

Something that mows lawns?

Yeah.

You would think that.

Just shut up, man.

Just shut up.

For once in your life, shut up.

All right.

I got to go to Los Angeles right now.

Oh, Mr.

Hollywood.

Well, actually, this feels like a minor flex.

I'm for the first time flying into Burbank instead of LAX.

Why is that a flex?

Because LAX takes like an hour and a half to get to wherever you're staying, and Burbank is just on the other side of the fucking mountain.

It's closed.

It's like 15 15 minutes.

Yeah, if you're staying over there, but everybody knows that.

Yeah, but it's like,

I feel like constantly you hear people be like, oh, you know what?

You got to do is fly into Burbank.

And I never do it.

I always fly into LAX.

Well, now I'm flying into Burbank.

I fly into Jay Leno's private.

Yeah.

I'm always about finding secret special airports.

It's not a secret.

I just feel like this is my first time going to Burbank.

Whenever I fly in and out of New York, I go to the Stu Leonards airport.

Dude, you know where we got to go sometime?

We got to go to that hotel at the JetBlue terminal at JFK.

The TWA hotel?

Yeah.

Where is that?

It's the old TWA terminal.

You can get in there?

They converted it into a hotel.

My friend stayed there for his birthday.

Yeah.

And they have a pool that's right next to the runway, so you can go swimming and planes are like taking off over your area.

That building's cool as shit.

It's the coolest building in New York.

Well, I don't know about that.

It's my favorite.

Okay.

You had to ruin it.

It was close to me being excited about doing something cool.

Sorry.

It's one of the best.

Then you said it's the coolest building in the world.

I think it's cool.

New York has a bunch of dumb architecture.

Adam's right.

There's no other contenders.

Chrysler building in that way.

What do you mean there is no other contenders?

Stop being sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic, dude.

You just got trolled, dude.

Well, I couldn't tell you really trolls.

The tone was devolved by.

Oh, I've just seen the sensei become the sneakers.

The mouth was been fucking trolled.

All right, I got to go to the airport.

We could do the podcast without you.

You want want to?

No, of course not.

Have a good show, buddy.

Are you guys going to keep doing this?

Okay, let's start recording after I remove.

Please don't.

It's been a long time.

I'll stay.

I'll miss my phone.

God, finally.

I just want to be in the city.

Now we can do jokes for real.

I just want to be part of the crew, dude.

Now we can finally do real jokes about the American Airlines building at the JFK.

It's the TWA building.

No,

there's an old American Airlines building also

by the hack hack stand.

Yeah, I know that building.

And that building's also cool.

Yeah, I've never really taken a look at the airport.

I'm in and out, dude.

I don't give a fuck about building.

I saw some huge fucking, like,

what's that Russian plane manufacturer, like Terpolev or some shit?

I don't know.

Like, some, like the biggest plane I've ever seen in my life.

It's really cool.

That's tight one.

Over by that American Airlines building.

So what I'm saying is we should all get a hotel at the airport just for a night.

Just the three of us boys staying in one hotel room together.

Maybe have a party, get away from it.

You don't get to do this three of this boys thing.

Why?

Why?

Well, because why are we going to the airport?

Yeah.

So we can stay at that hotel that has the pool next to the runway.

Are we flying somewhere the next day?

Maybe if we have a flight the next day, we can stay there for the night.

Maybe.

Where do we have a flight to?

We still need the money from that candidate trip.

No, we have not gotten paid.

Did you do your expenses, bitch?

I just am not sending them in.

I paid for like three Ubers.

It's like nothing.

Tell them that so we can get our fucking money.

We'll just, yeah, okay, I will.

Bitch.

All right.

Okay.

Bye.

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