Ep. 169 – Big Bitch

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Late.

Nick, you're late.

Nick is one minute late adding it to the spreadsheet.

I have one, Tardy.

I have

two 558.

I don't have two.

No, I have two.

Stop has one.

Now Nick has one.

One due to traffic.

It's totally been Adam's fault every time.

That is true.

What do you mean it's only been my fault?

It's been your fault.

There was traffic, but Nick, you said that we still should be on the list just to keep it there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because there's going to be a fight about it.

For traffic.

Just for traffic.

Parentheses, traffic.

You got a T.

If you don't have a parentheses, you're fucked.

But the point is, folks, is that we're incredibly busy.

We're making this a business.

It's all a business.

We're trying to be business-like about this.

We're wearing Giorgio Aramani suits.

Oh, yeah.

I am, anyway.

Stav is.

Stav's wearing a bathing suit.

That's right.

Nick and I are in three-piece.

More Adidas shorts.

Yeah, they're great, dude.

With the zipper pockets.

What is this?

Yeah, these are the terrycloth ones with the zipper pockets.

The good shit, dude.

And I get points back for buying.

When you buy Adidas?

You get three times points on Adidas shit.

Did you select what you get three times on?

Do you know about this?

No.

You go to Chase, you go to the Ultimate Rewards page.

Yes.

And then you go down to Shop Through Chase.

And then it lists.

Some of that shit is like you get 12 bonus points for every dollar spent.

For Adidas, three to one?

Adidas is three to one.

Oh, my God, dude.

That's better than travel.

It changes, yeah.

Some of them, it's like six to one.

Good lord.

Good fucking lord on earth.

That's amazing.

Yeah, I bought a bunch of toner.

I have ten years worth of toner now.

For your laser printer.

For my laser printer.

Is toner not ink?

What is toner?

It is ink.

It's just what they call it.

It costs for a laser printer.

It costs like $70 a fucking.

It's a rip-off.

I might actually buy some from you secondhand.

What, toner?

From that boss.

You got too much.

There's going to be a markup.

I'll give you a couple of bucks on the package.

There's going to be significant markup.

What do you mean significant?

I'm foreseeing significant market forces acting.

I bought a printer to be more business-like, and it's just been sitting there looking at it.

Why?

What the fuck do you need to print?

Oh, you know.

Vinny needs to stop texting.

A list of guys that you want to have sex with.

Who needs to stop texting you?

Vinny.

What did he text you?

Oh, yeah.

I stopped responding.

Bro, I got it.

I'm so excited to be alive.

It's like, it's just nothing, but he's like, it's all this, like,

he's so happy that, like, you got some people are paying attention to him for two seconds

Oh fuck dude

Go buy his shirt.

He's trying to sell what does his shirt look like now.

It just says scumbag Vinny on it.

Really?

I'm like yeah

Salute man.

I kind of a titan of industry.

I would take one for free and wear it.

I would wear one at cost at cost You can't trust what Vinny says cost us.

That's true.

I want to see received bro I'm making like one dollar on these shirts.

It's a great deal.

I thought he had a shirt that was like something about

Big Mouth or something.

Like he's from Reference.

He's our podcast, The Joke.

That's getting sad.

Now this is making me sad.

Whatever, man.

What you expected more out of scumbag Vinny?

No, I guess not.

You know how Vinny said Bagel Boss should keep fighting people to keep his profile up?

I thought that was a good idea.

There was another one.

Some guy attacked him in a casino.

He was kicking some drunk guy in a casino.

But it only had like 200 retweets.

I know.

He fights the way I would fight

you fight in elementary school.

Yeah.

Which is chasing someone around, kicking their shins, being like, do something.

Yeah.

Well, that's a product of his size, right?

Yeah, I guess.

He's like 4'8.

But, dude, this is going to be 20.

He's maybe an inch or two shorter than you, Adam.

Yeah, you guys are pretty.

You said shorter.

At least you said shorter.

Yeah, so you're five feet tall.

Me and Stav are six feet tall.

Well, it would be 4'10 if he was 4'8.

Me and Stav together are easily 7.5 feet tall.

Yeah, together, that is true.

But we're, I mean, individually, you guys are

seven and a half-foot-tall friends that go out for lunch together.

Yeah.

So we're together.

The eye line

is drawn to seven foot tall.

We're together, comma, seven foot.

Yeah, yeah.

It feels good to be tall.

Yeah.

To be tall.

I just went to Moscot and I told the eye exam doctor, whatever happens, I want the glasses to make me feel tall.

So I'm wearing the wrong prescription now, but the ground looks so far away, and I feel so powerful.

Oh, okay.

It's like zoomed out.

It's like looking through binoculars the wrong way.

Yeah, I ran over a family

driving home.

Because you're deadly receptive.

And the police let me go.

Yeah.

Because I was wearing tall disabilities.

Because I have glasses on.

You have body dysmorphia.

Yeah.

I put on that Vanga Boys song, and I told them I was the Six Flags guy.

And they're like, it's an honor to meet you, sir.

Sir, thank you for your service.

I was one of the men who died in the towers, and I want to say it's an honor to meet you.

That could be a career goal if you were sobbed, like to lose the weight to be the new Six Flags dancing old man.

Yeah, maybe.

Job, the officer Panthe Leo or whatever, the guy that killed Eric Gardner and

got fired or whatever.

I would love if he did

a public statement.

He's like, fine, I guess I'll just go die in the towers.

And then he goes down to like ground zero and just like

just like increases his depressure in his head until trying to kill himself, trying to pass out.

I bet you you could do that.

Yeah.

If you're an Italian with high enough blood pressure,

no problem.

I guess I'll just die here then.

Dan, will you respect me?

No.

No, we won't.

Yeah.

I was driving and I was waiting in traffic the other day.

Damn, that man is never going to have to buy buy a fucking deli sandwich on Long Island ever again.

Yeah.

I was waiting.

He's going to have a nice retirement.

Oh, yeah.

I was waiting in traffic and I was in the second to leftmost lane and there was just like mad traffic and the lane next to me was open.

So I go to like,

you know, switch lanes and in the wind.

It's dead stop.

There's a guy in a fucking like AMG behind me.

And like we both go to like go into that lane at the same time, but I'm just in front of him.

Right.

Obviously, everyone's going to try and go into that.

And this guy loses his mind and starts speeding through the bike lane and then Fukushima circles me off.

And it's like, all right.

You were in for what you did.

Absolutely nothing wrong.

And then he's like freaking out in his car in front of this middle.

But it's just some fucking Italian guy.

And he starts spitting out of the window.

We're just laughing at him.

He's like, mom, Foca Pardo, Fuca Pardo.

Just spinning.

Spinning out the window.

Incredible, dude.

Marking Marking his territory.

In Boston, I almost got.

Shouts out there when he came out to Boston, by the way.

Thank you.

Cityside Comedy.

That shit rocked.

But on my way there, I don't know how fucking shitty the traffic is in, like, downtown Boston.

Also, if you brought one of my shirts to Stop's show to have him sign it, you owe me extra money.

No one did that.

Yes, they did.

I heard from numerous people.

No one did that.

What did you sign?

I signed nothing.

I signed just nothing.

I'm like, here's my thing.

Here's what I'll sign.

Double D's

with my tongue.

Oh, yeah.

I have a tongue.

Happy Gilmore style.

That's right.

But I got...

Some fucking fat old man tried to cut me off in Boston, and I fucking lost it on his ass.

But he was just a fat, bald man in a Hawaiian shirt.

It was just me fighting with future me.

Yeah, a lot of screaming.

A lot of screaming.

Well, he was...

He didn't want the smoke, dude.

He could tell I was an alpha, dude.

Yeah.

He could see me, dude.

He could tell I had taken a couple yoga classes.

I miss driving that truck because you would just cut people off and then watch them have like a fucking meltdown.

It's like, go ahead, I'll hit you with this truck.

I do not give a shit about this truck.

If you want to get into a game of lane chicken with me, I will run over your car.

I'm not even technically viable.

And then I'll get out of the truck and leave the damage and be like, I guess I'm off work.

I guess I finished work early today.

Yeah.

Didn't you guys do some damage?

Allegedly?

Nick allegedly did some damage when we were picking up a second truck.

Well, the first time I ever worked that job,

the first time I ever worked that job, I was working with a guy.

And

we were pulling out of the lot.

And he's like, you know, you hit something.

He's like, you're supposed to stop.

Like, as he's saying it,

he takes the corner too hard and just destroys the back of this minivan.

He's like, ah,

okay.

Well, I guess maybe I'll pull over.

And then he's like, looking at the mirror as we're drive, we're just

continuing to drive away.

He's looking in the mirror.

He's like, I guess a couple people saw it.

They'll take care of it.

I was like, what do you mean they'll take care of it?

And he's like, they probably got the plates.

Yeah, they got the plates.

It's all right.

You'll get the info back.

It'll get back to you.

Well, they'll figure it.

Don't put it together.

I took a mirror.

I took a side mirror off while I was driving a van full of children when I volunteered in college.

And I was like, nobody snitch.

And they loved it.

They loved being in on some criminal actions.

Yeah, I mean,

that would happen all the fucking time on the truck.

It's like mirrors would come off.

And that's like, you know, I mean,

nobody's stopping for that.

I talked to one of the guys I worked with, I'm like, do you you stop?

And he's like, yeah, one time I, I hit a guy.

That's the threshold.

Yeah.

He's like, the mirror fucking like knocked, knocked some old guy out.

Oh, my God.

As he's like, turning the corner, he's like, fucking knock.

And he's like, I got out.

I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry.

And he was like, oh, it's fine.

I was like, all right, later.

I'm sure he did not say it's fine.

He didn't stop.

He ran over that old man.

That guy is dead for a fact.

Yeah.

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Like a fucking.

I got in a car accident the day after I got my car.

I've been in a bunch of car accidents.

Really?

Yeah.

What are some of the most memorable ones?

It's really scary, dude.

No, not really.

You're just a

little bit of a drink.

That half a second where you know you're about to crash.

P-O-U-S-I-E.

Okay, all right.

A pussy.

A pussy.

You are a French pussy.

My name is.

That I fill with

Ches.

My name is Gian Carlo Pussy Chance.

And I roll my dice made out of diamonds to decide whether or not I take a pussy at Gwen Point.

If it draws one through three, she will be taken.

The rape dice?

Yeah.

Antonio Woosley.

Maybe I roll my rape dice.

I just want the boy and his mother.

I just the boy is a Jedi and I just want him and the freedom of his mother.

Well, the boy you can have, but maybe I rape first.

I will roll my rape cube.

You will not rape the Jedi.

Do not rape him.

Do not rape the boy.

Do not taste his ass.

Your Jedi Man tricks don't work on me.

Why didn't they work on him?

Because he was Jewish?

Yeah, it's...

We're impervious to Jedi Man tricks.

Qui-Gon, what's the problem?

The boy is owned by a man named Jeffrey Epstein.

Oh,

I thought of a cover, a Jeffrey Epstein song.

Yeah.

All that he wants was sex with a baby.

Yeah, he's Jeffrey Epstein.

He's Jeffrey Epstein.

Oh, that he wants.

There's another baby.

Oh,

that kind of thing.

Also, are they.

I saw.

I didn't read it at all, but I saw a headline that Ace of Bass is Nazis.

Is that real?

They're Swedish.

I didn't know they were Nazis.

Could be, dude.

Or is it like a thing where it's like Nazis think they're like.

No, I don't think so.

Because they're not the kind of thing that Nazis would think.

It's all a bunch of shit like.

They're Aryan?

Yeah.

You know, their songs are.

That might be the funniest band to be secretly Nazis.

Maybe Bare Naked Ladies.

That would would be funny.

They had too much rap, you know.

That's true.

What would be the funniest band to be Nazis?

Let's see here.

Hmm.

Sorry, I need to look at Ed.

What?

Nothing.

Shh.

The funniest band to be

Nazis.

Gooster.

Guster?

Guster.

I don't know.

Ween.

It's funny, because neo-Nazis say the Holocaust didn't happen, but they also want it to happen, right?

Oh,

I don't know if there's an overlap there.

Shouldn't they be proud of it happening?

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah.

Deniers should be like, yeah, we got you, motherfuckers, and we're going to do it again.

But it seems like they don't want that.

Yeah, that does seem like those two things were in that arm.

I want to take your boy to a whites-only compound in

this what this is we the jedi were nazis no we're the yeah but we're good now because we live in a world with white slavery

So now we are a for a force for good.

No, they had Samuel Jackson.

They were my original name was

Brendan Johnson, but I had to change it to Qui-Gon Jin to trick the Chinese.

Yeah, that wasn't a Chinese last name.

Yeah, no, the whole name is Chinese.

Qui-Gon Jin?

Yeah.

Damn, I never considered that.

I thought it was Jedi, but if I met a fucking 5-4 guy, that was.

Yeah, George Lucas was like, how about we do diversity by having

the main character of this movie be another fish Japanese

be some kind of octopus that speaks in heavily accented

Chinese

right

like no let's just put a normal person in there

you can keep the dumb name but yeah what the fuck a qui-gon gin

damn i forgot my mom's a jfk right now we're doing what dumb girls going she's going to grease yeah are you going to see her out there i will we're going to link up Lovely.

Yeah, I'm excited.

My cousin's in a play, dude.

I'm about to see my man on the stage.

In Greece?

Yeah.

He's in the play with like a really famous Greek comedian, but Greek comedy is like trash.

It's like they still do blackface.

Like the guy's biggest character is a gypsy, and he literally puts on like light blackface to play him.

And he plays like a woman and a gay guy.

It's awesome.

Oh, he does characters.

Oh, yeah.

He does very, very

characters.

When I was in Montreal, when that night we stayed at the hotel, I saw Quebec Croix stand up.

And there was a guy that just had like

a belt with six beers on it.

And he's just speaking French, and everyone was loving it.

He was like, I guess they're L Larry the Cable Guy.

Jean-Luc Laca La Cabole.

Yeah.

La Cabole.

It is really cool to see Redneck speaking French, you know.

Yeah.

You assume that they're such a refined people based on how f the French are depicted.

Yeah, that's interesting.

Because the French high society seemed like pedophiles, but what about the rednecks?

Probably.

It goes...

It goes all the way down and all the way up.

Yep, and they all hate Muslims too, French people.

They got all those paintings and they're racist.

If you look at gay ass paintings all day.

How are you going to be racist?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, they smoke cigarettes, talk about existentialism, dupe bisexuality.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah,

they probably suck their wife's boyfriend's dick.

Everything's in black and white.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, they suck their wife's boyfriend's dick.

And they still don't, and they still think hijab should be banned.

There's a sex scene in a movie that took place in France that I jacked off to often growing up.

Let's hear it.

It's called The Dreamers.

Oh my God.

That's an all-timer.

That's one of the best sex scenes in it.

What?

Ava Green and Mark.

Yes, Ava Green.

Ava Green, dude.

Did she have Harry Armpits in that?

I forget,

but you can see her entire army.

She fucks her brother and she fucks the guy.

That's the weird part about the three.

Yeah, I had no idea what the plot was.

I didn't know the plot.

You liked that there were two guys.

It's so funny that we all watched.

I was panicking.

We all watched the Bernardo Bertolucci movie at like 13.

Let me be clear.

I did not watch the fucking movie.

Not at all.

I watched clips on the internet.

There was no clips.

Ava Green was perfect.

We were both seven and a half feet tall watching clips.

We had no time for watching a whole game.

It's a good movie, but it's not a bad movie.

Bernarda Tucci movies or whatever the fuck is it?

A Bertucci's movie.

Yeah, we were dunking.

I watched another.

Beating off the clips and dunking.

I watched another one of his movies recently about a mother and the son, and they hook up.

So this man just wants incest to happen.

He's a, yeah.

What did Ava Green do?

Wasn't she like in something big, and then that came, and then everyone's like, oh, by the way, she fucked up.

Was she a Bond girl?

In a movie.

Yeah, she was in Quantum of Solace.

Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

I forget what else she was doing.

I watched that in theater.

She was fine, though.

I definitely jacked my little pecorino to that.

Pecorino Romano?

Very small.

No.

Very small.

Your penis is Raymond, and mine is Richard.

My tiny little corniche on.

Well, you know what?

That's fine.

Because everyone loves my penis.

Everyone hates your big, stupid penis.

Yeah, I would rather have a tiny, beloved

cute.

Mine has his own comedy club now.

That's true.

In Las Vegas.

In Las Vegas.

So,

how about that?

Yeah, I guess I'll settle for my little penis being a millionaire and shit.

I got back into that

fucking Hanway guy recently.

Who's Hanway?

That, you know, the practical unboxing Katana video.

I can't get enough of that.

That's when the internet was good, dude.

Yeah, it's still good.

Now everyone's arguing about Antifa with each other.

I don't think that's not what everyone's doing.

I don't think most people know what Antifa is, right?

Well, I think a lot of parents that listen to.

Of course, you have to do the obligatory chop video.

I have to make a video of me using, actually using the

sword.

I have to use the sword.

He's Dutch homer sentence.

Tape.

Yeah.

Him and his fucking

gay family.

What?

What?

What is the outside of the box say, Evan?

Wait, his family's in there?

His mom is making his little brother, too, right?

And his little brother's there.

But he's mean to his mother.

He's really mean to the little brother.

Anything the little brother says, he's like, shh, Tyler.

It's like 37.

I mean, he was probably 17 years old when that video came out, and he already looked 38.

Yeah.

And he's, like, still uploading videos.

He's still making them, huh?

He's still making videos of him, like, playing Pokemon Snap.

What's the channel looking like?

Yeah.

Does he have traction?

Does he make a living off YouTube?

Who?

Is he a YouTuber?

This guy.

No, I don't know, but that original video probably has, like, 10 million views.

Oh, damn.

It is a truly legend.

What do you get if you monetize that?

Like, $37?

If he does ads on it?

He probably does alright.

Like, a couple hundred bucks every couple months?

You think so?

I don't know.

Off one video?

I dated a girl once that got her head shaved.

No, you didn't.

No.

Do you remember when girls were shaving their heads on the side of the game?

That was like a man with cancer.

No, it wasn't.

And Adam had to suck his penis to make him feel better about the medicine.

The chemo medicine.

That's not what happened.

Stop making up shit.

Dude, did you really do that?

Nick's being shady now.

Whoa, holy shit.

Hold that That's shady.

I just got a call from St.

Jude's Children's Hospital.

I was just repeating things that I've heard.

It was actually not even a man with cancer.

It was a reason.

I was repeating stuff I read on truth.com.

Truth.com?

The anti-smoking?

You know, yes.

Smoking is bad for you.

You could get cancer like this guy.

He did Adam to suck his dick.

That's rude and shady.

Yeah, well, it's on truth.com.

It's truth.com.

Truth.com.

Put it at truth.com.

Don't smoke.

And Israel controls the United States government.

Those are the two things we cover here at truth.com: is that smoking kills, and Jeffrey Epstein was a massad agent that was funded by U.S.

tax dollars.

What his bit, his girl, Ghislaine, or whatever the fuck?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ghis Ghalane.

They don't, yeah, none of the letters.

You don't pronounce any of the letters.

Does she merit pronouncing her name correctly?

You know what's funny?

You saw that picture of her at In N Out?

Yeah.

Yeah, with the books.

It's fake.

It's not real?

And not only is it not real, you can look at archived pictures or archived copies of that article.

And when it first went up, it was like horrifically photoshopped.

Really?

Yeah, there's like all of the brick behind her back, and the second picture is all glitched.

That's crazy.

And then there's in the background, there's a picture of a bus stop.

And people found where that In-N-Out is because it's in the article or whatever.

It's in the valley.

And

in the bus stop, there's a poster for the movie Good Boys.

And somebody went there and they're like, well, that poster isn't there.

And then they called the company that manages that bus stop advertising thing.

They're like, Yeah, we've never had a poster for Good Boys there.

So that was photoshopped in there.

And it's just this weird, like, disinformation campaign.

It was way too on the nose.

The day before that picture

reading a fucking book about CIA guys getting killed, it's like, this is not real.

Yeah, well, the day before it came out that she was in Boston living with a tech guy.

She could get it, though.

Ghislaine?

I would let her suck me off.

You know what?

Because of her connection.

She seems like it's a weird disinformation campaign, but really all she would have to do is be like, Jeffrey manipulated me.

Yeah.

I was a slave, too.

And then she would be on stage with Kamala Harrison in like three weeks, you know, doing whatever dances, doing whatever stupid shooting,

whatever dumb dance they think is going to win the election this time.

That's what we're going to try again, is a new dance.

Yep.

Because we're going to sing Old Town Road with all of Jeffrey Epstein's associates on stage.

You have Prince Andrew singing Old Town Road.

We got a remix of it with Prince Andrew.

It's kind of like a band-aid thing.

We're doing like a live-aid sort of thing.

Alan Dershowitz and Prince Andrew and Kamala Harris.

Who's Prince Andrew?

Jussie Smollett.

He's the son of the queen.

What's his face's little brother?

Charles?

Charles.

Chucky's little brother?

I think he is.

Yeah, and he's

never going to be king

or he will when she dies.

Charles will be king, and then his son, William, will be king.

Nice.

And then the baby.

So Andrew is Chuck's bro who fucked kids.

Is that who he is?

Yeah, Andrew fucks kids.

Andrew's, too, is like the Buckingham Palace.

He retired from public life, and Buckingham Palace had to release a statement, which is like, they're the royal family.

It's not like they have to worry about a royal family.

They can just say like,

yeah, no, they can just say, like, he likes fucking kids.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Yeah, we're the family.

He's the prince of England.

It's like, what do you want to do?

You're speaking the language that our family forced you to speak.

Anyways.

Yeah, so, but no, he's like, oh, he was appalled by the crimes Jeffrey Epstein's accused of.

It's like, well, there's a picture of him at Jeffrey Epstein's house after all the charges, waving to an underage girl.

Is that real?

I saw that too.

I thought that was a joke, too.

Yeah, there's like a blurry-ass photo of him like that.

Bye-bye.

Damn, dude.

I'll tell you what.

If you like getting your dick card normally

with not children, with not children, but you can't,

instead of fucking kids, maybe try a little pill.

That's right.

To be clear,

we're asking the people,

here's who we're asking to use this product.

Maybe adults

and Prince Andrew had tried Blue Chew with adult women instead of

the systematic global rape of hundreds of children.

Because they weren't doing it for sex, they were doing it for power.

They were doing it for power.

Yeah.

You know, so if you want a powerful company, that's what that show Power is about.

50 Cent raping people.

Yeah.

Raping children.

Yeah.

50 Cent being like, yeah, you know, the show's called power because it's not not about you know sex, it's about you know, I don't has he like clenches his teeth.

Yeah, he talks like this.

He's gonna be

a little bit like this.

Well, not yet, not anymore.

No, no, I lost a zara for a second.

He talk like these.

No, he don't like me.

I'm Visi Zanier from Blue Chun.

Yeah, Visi Zanier for Blue Chew.

Do not be a pedophile.

She don't know me a pedophile

because I took a Bluetooth and she said my penis is so hard.

I must want to get phone.

She fucked my ass and said look how much your little penis likes it.

Okay, Miguel, we're real sorry about that, but did you take the blue chew?

But she said it was candy.

Case dismissed.

This man.

So if you're a woman who wants to rape a man,

you could also buy blue chew.

Rape.

If you like sex, you'll love blue chew.

You and your partner will love

taking a Blue Chew pill.

That's what they call it

in a case like that.

There's the perpetrator and then their partner

in crime.

The PIC.

The partner in crime.

But yes, to reiterate, actually, we don't want the people that paid us to endorse a product to do any crimes

pedophilic or

it's a performance enhancement for the bedroom.

Remember Enzyte Bob?

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

That was fake.

He's a fucking lying piece of shit.

That was just dangerous chemicals.

And that guy ended up.

You know what happened to that actor?

What happened?

He killed himself.

The guilt of fucking

killing so many people with soft cocks.

He had to blow his brains out.

The telltale soft cock.

He was investigating a story, and then in the last minute, he decided to kill himself

rather than meet with the sources.

Do you know about that, sir?

There's a guy named Danny Castellaro.

No.

That he was researching this story about the State Department stealing this software from this guy who accused the State Department of stealing it or whatever.

Doesn't matter.

So this guy, but like the case opened up, and this guy Castellaro is looking into it.

And then it implicates these deep state actors and some pretty shady shit.

So he goes out, he starts getting threatening phone calls.

His housekeeper is like, yeah, no, people are are threatening to kill him.

And then he's like, he's like, you have to go to Martinsburg, West Virginia to meet a source for the story.

And while he's out there, he checks in his motel and he's like, you know what?

I'm going to slash my wrists and not leave a note.

Yep.

So that's how that story ends.

He decided while in the middle of doing something.

He's about to.

Yes.

He's like, let me just put this off for a second and kill myself.

Kill myself.

If only Danny Castellano or whatever had had Blue Chew.

Because then he would have fucked a pretty woman woman in his hotel and not killed himself.

And suicide is on the rise in this country, and 45% of it is related to the soft cocks.

That's having a soft penis.

Because they know that

you die, you're a cockos.

Yes,

they're only offering

a true blue chew can be taken on a full and empty stomach.

They know that because during the autopsy of Danny Castellara, they found all he had ingested was blue chew, and his penis was completely hard.

Oh, oh, he had taken it.

Yeah.

The online physician consult is free.

So it's cheaper than the other two, Viagra and Cialis.

It only takes a few minutes to connect to the Blue Chew.com affiliated physician.

If you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly.

They actually will send the doctor to your house to prescribe you whatever you like.

He'll put your cock in his mouth.

Yeah.

The doctor gets you hard.

The doctor will suck you off.

This doctor is a head expert.

Dr.

Adam Friedland.

What are you talking about?

My parents would be so happy.

Yeah.

If you were a doctor,

a doctor?

Yeah, Adam's got a job as a doctor now.

They're saying he's a diet, needs money for knee pads for his new doctor job.

They're saying medical school sucked him dry with finances and he needs to borrow my rollerblading knee pads.

As you know, as Adam's father, I rollerblade everywhere I go.

Yeah, it's I never stop rollerblades.

I'm worried about his carbon footprint.

Why shame a man for

being emissions-free?

Your dad berating you in full rollerblading gear,

just gliding back and forth, mostly

sitting at the dinner table wearing rollerblades and full rollerblading gear with the helmet on.

You've got to change your life, Joshua.

The years he spent.

So, Dr.

Adam Friedland will come suck your dick.

Yeah.

Blue chew.

It ships directly to the door in discrete packaging.

The inshoeables from Bluetooth are prescribed online by a doctor and made in the USA.

Unlike

fucking, you know, other dicks.

Other shit.

Chinese action.

You want to fucking take.

Listen, before I had Bluetooth, I used to take Indian research chemicals that I got off of the internet, and they gave me the worst headaches of my life.

Now,

Blue Chew, my cock gets hard.

Very little headache.

Very little dick.

No.

No headache.

Chew it and do it, folks.

So here's a great deal for you guys.

Visit Blue Chew.com and get your your first order free when you use promo code COMETOWN.

Just pay $5 shipping.

That's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W dot com.

Promo code ComeTown.

Oh, yeah.

And listen, if your dick is going to be hard, bring it to Oakland on the 24th.

This fucking weekend.

I'm coming.

Buy your ticket, stavi.biz slash tour.

And then I'm in Seattle on the 29th, Portland on the 30th.

Just announce Philly on the 21st and then Fort Wayne and Indianapolis on the 27th and 28th of September.

And go see my boy Adam.

We got a second show.

First show sold out.

So get tickets for the 9:30 at the lodge room on the 29th.

I'll also be at the whistle stop in San Diego on the 28th.

I don't believe there are pre-sales for those tickets.

You got to get tickets at the door.

Adam's at the whistle stop, the whipping boy, chain gang.

It's the whistle stop.

It's Bear Mountain.

He's at

Secrets and Whispers.

He's at Red Cox.

He's at The Dangerous Rainbow.

He's at Bearbacks.

The Dangerous Rainbow.

Did you hear that Epstein had a controlling stake in Secrets and Ocean City MD?

Shut up.

He did.

No, he didn't.

He had no touch of anything.

Don't say that.

Don't besmirch the good name

of Ocean City, Maryland.

It's true.

You take it back.

It was an allusion to all of the secrets that the Global Satanic Pedophilia.

Not a funny joke.

Not a funny thing to joke about.

Some things are off limits, man.

Some things are off limits.

And also, Secrets is a pun.

We We might come to the second season.

It's S-E-A-C-R-E-T-S.

I know, because it's next to the sea, but it's also, there's secrets.

You don't know.

You don't even know what it is.

You just realized it because you just.

I knew that it was S-E-I-E.

You didn't know that.

Everyone knows it's not.

You've never been there, so how did you know?

I've been to Ocean City MD.

Of course, I didn't see it.

You've never been to Secrets?

Yeah, it's got sand on the ground.

No shit, motherfucker.

Everyone knows that.

That's the coolest bar in America.

I'm fucking lying, and don't ever besmirch Secrets again, or I'll fuck you up.

I wasn't besmirching anything.

Yes, you did.

I think they should include like a parrot head theme at Gettysburg.

I think that would be good for Gettysburg is if they did reenactments, but there was also like a margarita feel to the whole thing.

The Confederate soldiers have like Hawaiian shirts on.

Yeah, like a chiller version of the Civil War.

Yeah, and you get drunk.

The Civil War is so nasty.

You know, it's like everyone has had trench foot.

You know, there's guys that show up to those enactments that are just blasting the N-word, and they're like, that's the way it was done.

It's history.

That is how they, this is all they cared about and talked about always back then.

I'm on the gray team, yeah.

I fucking love history.

Okay, well, if you want to be that accurate, why are you wearing rollerblades?

Because in South Africa, where I'm from,

everyone does this.

Don't make me break character!

You're making me break character!

My dad would never do that.

You're frustrating me and making me break character.

I'm supposed to be Stonewall Jackson, except I have roller blades and a lightsaber.

What is the rainbow flags?

Well,

I was wondering if anyone could massage General Jackson's body.

I've become so faint from the wall.

That would be funny if we showed up as

he shows up as Scarlett O'Hara.

He's just, yeah, just in a fantastic stonewall Jackson wearing rollerblading gear.

Ma mama, my asshole could use a massage.

I just need these strong southern gentlemen to m massage my body.

Oh, I was thinking we could just.

Because I've become so very tired from rollerblading

around the battlefield.

No, do not besmirch his good name.

Wow, who now who's look who's using the word besmirch?

Well, it's it's a member of my of my immediate family.

Okay, let's be very clear about the hierarchy of things that you can and can't joke about.

Secrets.

Secrets is number one at the top.

And Ocean City MD and the culture of Maryland.

Don't make us listen to that.

Maryland County's culture.

You want to go back through those?

We'll list those again.

I wonder how people like that.

They probably loved it.

Who doesn't like to hear about Wicomico County?

Who doesn't want to hear about Anundo County?

Queen Anne.

Calverge.

Can you imagine how fat Anna Rundle must have been?

Nice fat pussy.

Yeah.

Well, I volunteer at the library and I attend the Wren Fest every year.

I post on r/slash wizard cats.

It's a Harry Potter cat-themed

fucking something.

And

my pussy is in Hufflepuff.

And I am a big bitch myself.

Myself, I'm a big bitch.

If I had to describe myself, I would

self-identify as a.

First and foremost, I am a big bitch.

Instead of big bird, it's a big bitch.

And it's just some huge fat woman that sits in a nest next to the trash cans.

Just on Sesame Street.

A fat nude woman.

We're trying to figure out what triangles are, big bitch.

Well, Well, that's very nice, Elmo.

Why don't you come over here and I'll explain them to you.

Don't go!

She'll try to eat you, Elmo.

No, she's a benevolent

part of the.

Yeah, no, it's just Big Bird, except it's a Big Bitch.

It's just some huge bitch that has a nest.

So the nest thing, the bird theme is kept only through the nest.

Yes.

And then it's a huge bitch that's got a big boa.

A big boa on it.

Feather boa, yes.

Yeah.

Okay,

is she nude?

Hey, big bitch.

Or what's she wearing, like a cardigan?

I don't know.

I haven't really thought about it, to be honest with you.

Whatever it takes.

Now I can make it through.

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo.

I was thinking about

what if your balls had nipples on them.

Oh, okay.

So you could pleasure them.

I saw your tweet about it.

It'd be pretty cool, wouldn't it?

You could feel little nipples on your nuts.

What's the point of a nipple?

I guess you need a baby milk.

Ooh, I never considered that.

But yeah, but we have men have them, and they're like just extra appendages.

Yeah, well, it was for the 90s.

In the 90s, men got nipples?

Yeah, that was like a 90s thing.

Not before that?

No.

No.

That was like a cool thing.

These guys would get, you know, like their bleach tips and they had nipples.

That was like the beginning of that metrosexual style.

Yes, that's a very metrosexual thing, is to have little milkers.

I'm still metrosexual, dude.

I wear boot cut jeans, low Vs, extra low American apparel Vs.

I wear uh

what else?

Um Ed Hardy type shit?

Is that metrosexual?

No, that's not.

Get Hardy and you can't do it?

Get Hardy.

Yeah, and you can't even.

I'd like to wear a get Hardy too.

That's a t-shirt idea for you, Nick.

Your pen ass is not hard.

Yeah, dude, you should do a get-hardy.

Yeah, it's like a dragon that's like can't get hard.

Who's got a little limp cock?

I gotta figure it out.

I might have to switch over to fulfillment for some things.

Over to what?

Fulfillment for some things with those shirts.

I can't handle the order.

Yeah, it was a lot of work you did the other day.

Yeah.

Well, it was

the entire week.

Yeah.

I got another 600 or so shirts coming.

They were supposed to be here Friday or today, and they still haven't showed up.

But

it'll be another round of that.

And then

what I want to try and do is get some kind of fulfillment going in Australia and the UK, so you don't have to pay $15 shipping for all that shit.

Oh, damn.

You know what, though?

Fuck foreigners, dude.

Fuck them.

No.

I'm going to

take over France.

I'm going to do a bunch of Zis Sweet Charlie parody shirts.

You're going to do a big, like, Osama bin Laden.

I'm going to get into

it.

I'm going to break, bust into the French market with the most anti-Semitic Muzzy

fucking cartoons on shirts.

What if Muzzy was anti-Semitic and it was a shirt?

Wait, who's Muzzy?

Muzzy's a shit.

Muzzy was a, you learned French from, he was like a cartoon.

I thought you were saying like a slur for Muslim.

No.

No, Muzzy was like a French cartoon.

They'd sell the tapes on

TV for people that wanted their kids to be gay.

Wow, how many?

So your parents bought 100 tapes?

Yeah,

I was watching a lot of Muzzy growing up.

Yeah, I bet you did.

Yeah, what's the premise?

He's like a big monster.

He's like a monster.

Yeah.

And he was friends with a lot of little kids.

Fuck him.

There's Madeline, too.

That was also the French.

I fucked with Madeline.

But that was in English.

Like,

with cartoons.

Yeah.

Yeah, but she was a French bitch.

I fucked the nun from Madeline.

You fucked none of the women in the garden?

No.

You fucked no one?

None.

No.

The nun.

You've never had sex.

From Madeline, the cartoon.

Before she took her vows?

Or after?

She cheated on God with me, dude.

Damn.

I cucked God.

Does that count as cucking God if you fuck nuns?

Because don't nuns, isn't that the idea that they're fucking?

You're married to God.

So then God will be fucking fucking terrified of you, dude.

God is sitting on a chair with his arms folded looking sad while I fuck these nuns.

There's got to be some hot nuns, dude.

There has to be a couple.

And if you catch them just right, you might be able to get head from them.

Are they allowed?

They're allowed to leave.

Do you think nuns shave their pussies?

No.

Probably not, right?

I think they should bring back to catch a predator, but do it with like adult women

rather than like children.

So guys show up to a house and then they're like, how dare you try to have sex with a woman?

How dare you try to hit on a woman in the DMs?

Oh, you get to catch a predator for like flirting, too.

For hard, yes, for any type of flirting online.

Yeah, which should be, you know, that way we can cut down on people creeping in the DMs.

That is technically the definition of a predator these days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'd be a fun show.

This guy's being like, what the fuck?

I didn't do anything wrong.

I asked her if she wanted to go

see Midsummer with Wow,

Yikes.

Yikes, fam.

That's a yikes for me.

We're going to get you screenshot in every city in America.

Yeah,

yikes.

Big yikes.

Big fucking.

He tries to leave, and there's just a bunch of fat women in the bushes that are yelling at him.

Yeah, big

you two.

Sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

Crap.

Sorry.

Damn.

Tell me

how to get to Sesame Street.

If you guys like underwear, I'll tell you what you get.

Really?

Whoa.

Nice.

What do you mean, really?

Are we doing another one?

Yeah.

Nice.

It's been 40 minutes.

Hell yeah.

That's how it goes.

That's how the cock cookie crumbles.

That's how the cookie sucks my band.

You go to Mac.

Which hook cookies would you think would give the best head?

Thin mints.

Why?

No.

Because

the menthol and the mint?

Yeah, it's like a whore that's been smoking for

smoking Newport menthol.

Alright, let's get it over with.

Some 110-pound woman that's all knuckles and veins.

I see, I would give it to be a soft baker.

There you go, sweetheart.

Maybe something like a fucking mon like a sausolito could.

You know, I didn't start off like this.

I had a wife.

Yeah, sure, you did.

Everybody did.

I tried.

I wanted things to go normal.

I didn't want to end up in a fucking motel paying for blowjobs.

Well, an oatmeal cream pie isn't technically a cookie, but it would definitely give good head.

Yeah.

Anyway, you can find out at MacWeldon.com.

Who is Mac Weldon, you ask?

Well, he was the first man to fuck

every cookie.

Because he initially wanted to start a cookie company yeah but he

his wife was like what the like why have you ruined all your underwear with all these chocolate chips i thought you were cheating on me now i think you are cheating on me and you're covering it up by fucking everything in the pantry

and that's why there's a bunch of cum and

snickerdoodle all over your underwear that's right and it smells so bad yeah and it smells bad so you wanted to start a new a new company to make sure that all of your basics and beyond are smartly designed.

And shopping for them is easy and convenient.

And you can fuck as many cookies as you want, by the way.

You can fuck as many cookies as you want.

With this kind of underwear.

Basically,

you can be the Otis Spunkmeier of fucking cookies.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What a funny name for

a cookie company.

Otis Spunkmeyer.

Yeah, he's like an old pimp that smells bad.

Yeah.

That's his name.

That's his.

Who loves to come.

Right.

Spunk means come, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So.

Well, MacWeldon.com.

I went there and I got some underwear, and I tell you, it was so easy.

Yeah, dude.

Ask me how easy it was.

How easy.

How easy.

It was so easy that I wanted to kill myself.

That's too easy.

They should make it a little harder.

Mac Weldon's online shopping is so easy that you'll want to kill yourself.

look

the second you look at your website, you're going to say, This is such an this is too easy.

We've reached perfection.

Yeah, there's nothing more to live.

Alexander wept, for there were no more worlds to suck off.

Yeah, it's see Mac Weldon.

And Adam wept, for there were no more men to suck off.

They actually, they let me in.

They gave me the true story of what happened.

Because they founded Mac Weldon because

they wanted more out of the basics.

Yeah, dude.

I've been thinking about that.

There's not enough out of basics.

I always think about the basics, and I always question myself: how could something so essential be a pain in the ass to buy?

Dude, I think about that every day that I am alive.

Every day I think about my underwear and my massive collection of assault rifles I need in case Obama decides to try and come back.

Just the basics, the essentials.

And why is it such a hassle to purchase the

couple kids will get killed every three months?

Yeah.

Who cares?

So, Mac Weldon, they set out to create a simple website where you could get smartly designed underwear and assault rifles.

Yep.

And AR-15s with bump stocks.

Unfortunately, the guns didn't pan out.

They're still working on it.

But rest assured, man.

For now, though.

Mac Weldon is trying day and night to get untraceable AR-15 military-grade lowers 3D printed delivered to you.

Plastic, so they go through airplanes.

You get through airplanes with them.

You shoot down an airplane.

Look, you want to kill the president?

This is the website for you.

Listen, you want to get a gun through airport security to fly a plane into the new 9-11 mosque?

And tell you what, because they've tested all these underwears by filling them with guns and wearing them around.

And

it feels like you're wearing nothing at all.

Nothing.

The frustration was real.

And our Eureka moment happened.

This is back to in the department store.

Well, it's not back to anything.

This is just your chain of

no, this is the true story.

Yeah.

They sent me a placemat.

They pay,

I mean, this is my personal opinion about the product.

My opinion as well.

But yeah, they pay me in chili.

So

I'm handed.

They'd say, put the underwear on, see if you spill a drop of chili on it.

I'm wearing a Mac Weldon bib.

That you are.

And I've got.

It's covering your whole cock because it's so little.

My dick is so big that it goes all the way up to my neck

and it's jammed into my stoma yep that's why i have the stoma

yeah i was asking about that what's that about it i was wondering i it's so i can put my penis in there

so you just put a little hole in your throat yeah

because your penis didn't quite reach your mouth and that's why things like underwear it's always such a struggle for me to buy stuff because i go in the

i go in the macy's and i have my penis shoved into my stove mine and I say, Do you have underwear for people like me?

And they say, No.

And that's why I went to MacWeldon.com because of the here we go.

The Eureka moment.

It happened in a department store full of brands that dominated our top drawer.

Surrounded by a mind-numbing assortment of underwear and socks, we realized consistent fit and quality became a game of roulette.

This sounds like Fight Club.

It is, dude.

It's very serious.

There was all this bullshit underwear, and I knew we had to do something.

We had to blow up the banks and beat each other up in a basement.

Yeah, why did they fit?

They started from scratch and engineered their own fabric.

The underwear is nice.

I got a pair.

It does feel space agey.

Yeah,

it's award-winning.

I want a pair.

I mean, I have a pair.

Yeah, MacWalton has an award-winning mobile app.

I love it.

We made sure the design process was meticulous so you can count on the fit being the same each time.

We built a world-class customer service.

Differences in the details, so they stead.

Yes, they're very nice underwear.

I mean, I don't know the fuck about fabric, but it fits, uh, they fit pretty well.

They look good.

Yeah, nice dick print.

Oh, your cock sings in those motherfuckers.

Yeah.

Call your cock Aretha Franklin because it's hitting the high the high notes and the low notes.

Yeah, you'll look like an air of Mac Weldons.

Even though the rest of your body is dog shit.

Your rest of your fat, pathetic, disgusting, fucking.

You'll be looking at your nice underwear.

Nobody will be thinking about your fucking tits.

Your love handles.

Your big, disgusting tits.

Anyways, Mac Weldon is a premium men's essentials brand that believes in smart design and premium fabrics.

I mean, we've covered that.

This seems like they sent me...

Sorry.

It said there was new

copy, but it seems like it's the fucking same.

No, all that shit about the department store?

I guess that, yeah,

but they don't want me to read that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's what happened.

Here's the backstory of the company.

They didn't like what was offered, so they did their own thing.

I'm sure you could have fucking.

Well, they wanted you to read that thing about killing the president, that's for sure.

That is in there.

This must be sent.

I think that's the new copy.

MacWold be most comfortable underwear, sock shirts, undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants, and more than you ever wear.

They have a line of silver underwear.

You guys know about that.

It's antimicrobial, which means it gets the stink out of your pink.

And if you're not pink, you're pink?

Well, maybe you should be.

Why don't you get

it moving?

You know?

We're not here for anybody other than our pinked dick friends.

Well, I don't have a pink dick.

You don't have a dick at all.

I do have a dick.

He's got a Mediterranean skin.

My dick is olive-toned.

And the head is a little purpleish.

It looks like an olive.

It looks like a pimento.

It's purple.

From the lack of oxygen that gets your dick out.

That's not the reason.

It looks like a little pimento poking out of an olive.

First of all, that's the wrong kind of olive.

At least give me a calamato.

It's the right kind of olive.

Fuck pimentos.

They want you to be comfortable.

So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it and they will still refund you.

No questions asked.

Not only does Mac Weldon underwear socks and shirts look good, but they perform well too.

It's one of the only pairs, this is true, the only pairs of underwear where you can actually use that slot that you pull your penis out of.

A lot of guys, they do the penis pull challenge.

They set up a Mac Weldon set up a

bootstrap.

They go to trade shows

and they say say put that underwear on.

Or you can put on, you know, some

the other guy's brand.

I love it.

And we're all pulling our peak.

And we all stand there.

How does that feel?

How does your cop through that hole feel?

Pictures taken with a booth girl next to a Mrs.

Bishi Eclipse.

That always MacBoll, nothing to wear socks, shirts look good.

They're in Formula 2.

It's good for working out, going to work, going on dates, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So use promo code, yeah.

No, I'm looking for the promo code, Mr.

Pussy.

I fucking change it all the time, anyways.

Yes, it's very easy.

You go online, you buy the fucking underwear that's great.

Oh, yeah, it is good, it is legitimately good underwear.

And here, okay, here we go.

Here's the special offer only for our listeners.

I love that shit for 20% off your first order.

Visit MacWeldon.com and enter promo code COMTON200.

That's C-U-M-T-O-W-N20 at checkout.

And this is...

Sorry.

This is not new copy.

It's more technical information that just confuses me.

It says I must include a clickable URL over the video.

I don't know.

What video?

I don't know.

They just re-sent the generic, like, you know, sponsor.

So there's stuff in here that's...

I thought this was specific stuff in here that I needed.

Look, you know the deal.

Come

town 2020.

Come town 20.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N20.

I don't think it's case sensitive, but just in case, do all caps for 20% off.

And then if you don't like the underwear, they just refund you and you get to keep the underwear.

It's a perfect crime.

There's nothing to lose.

You can try it out,

you know, and then you're probably gonna whatever you're wearing, you're gonna throw out.

If you're wearing diets,

I watch actually, I talked to a guy who's a first responder that listens to the show, and he

IED guy.

He got I.

His little Jeep was blown up in Iraq.

Out 9-11 posed.

His Wrangler.

And so he's chronically just pissing and shitting.

He was in Iraq first responding.

He came back over here, and his wife had to quit her job, so she should clean up all his ass.

She was pissing up the shit.

She was pissing and shitting constantly while he's just

more Punisher tattoos on his limbs that still work.

And he's been in diapers.

And he went on to MacWaldon.com and he got that pair of underwear and he put them on and instantly stopped him.

His legs grew back.

Yeah, his legs grew back and he stopped pissing him and machining himself.

And Jennifer Garner is actually producing a movie about it now because

when his

dick and balls actually said they met God.

Oh, while they weren't working, they met Jesus.

And his dick actually started talking, and it's the feel-good movie of the summer.

So I saw an advanced screening.

Kevin Sorbo as the veteran and Jennifer Garner as his wife is cleaning up his piss.

Kevin Sorbo is covered in piss and shit.

Yeah.

At first, we see him in Iraq, and he's just like, I'm just a 19-year-old kid.

He just wants to be a watch model.

Once I get back, I want to pick up my dad's watch modeling business when I get back

from this mission here in Somalia, fighting child soldiers.

And then he, boom, bang, boom.

Yeah.

You know, scary.

Then he, yeah, roll the truck rolls

and they're like, they're like, oh,

welfare track.

Everybody's chower.

Everybody's your dick good.

Do you like good?

And Mike's like, my dick's good.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, dick, Michael, Bravo.

You know, and then Kevin's sort of like, oh, God,

my dick can't get hard.

And I'm pooping.

So wait, where's his wrist blown off?

His wrist blown off?

I don't know.

Does he want to be a woman?

When does his dick meet God?

So he's in a.

This is still the aftermath.

Okay.

And then he's flown back.

He's dragged back

behind the truck because the army had ran out of money at this point.

And so they drag him back to America, and he's just, his body is dangling, pissing, and shitting itself.

Oh, no.

All the way.

And he's just reading the Punisher comics on the way back home.

So he's just waiting to meet his wife.

Yeah.

And he gets back to Jennifer Garner.

He's like, oh, my God, what happened?

And he's like, like, my dick died in Somalia.

And then, so, you know, the piss and shit, and they're trying to

get their life back together.

And then, um, she's like, I'm allergic to shit.

I'm allergic to shit.

And she's like, she's ruining our marriage.

I'm a Christian, so I can't get a divorce, but I might cheat on you with a different type of first responder.

A fireman, maybe.

Oh, yeah.

And he's like, you know, I hate firemen.

You know, I'm more of a police kind of guy.

Anyways, he goes to Backworld.com.

And then

his dick comes back to life, and he's like, Tell you what, folks, while I was up there, I met the big fella.

They're like, honey, your dick can talk now.

He's like, not only can I talk,

I met Jesus.

Not only can I talk, but Jesus told me we should be banned.

Banning Muslims.

No, I

met Jesus.

It's Joe Mackey, is the dick.

Kumail Nanjiani as Kevin Sorbo's dick.

I just met

the goddess.

That's all he said.

He sounds like that guy.

Not really.

He's got a little bit of.

I mean, yes, but it's slight.

Something, I don't know.

It used to be worse.

It did.

It got worse while he was in heaven.

Oh, his dick becomes in heaven.

Now his dick is Pakistani.

He met the Pakistani God.

And then it turns out that Jesus was Muslim.

Oh, and then the guy kills himself.

And then the guy kills him.

And he goes to hell where Jesus summer.

Kiss me.

Let me see your little

ass dick.

I wanna suck it off.

I'm gay.

So fuck me.

Doodle.

Yeah.

That's that movie.

Pissing my ass and mouth.

Oh, I'm gay.

Yeah.

Damn, I had another good one, but I forgot it.

Yeah.

Something about being gay again.

Oh.

But

I was laughing

about going to see Peanut Butter Falcon.

Yep.

But then laughing in the theater like

fucking Robert De Niro in California.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just with a cigar.

Everyone's trying to watch the movie.

I'm like, ah!

Ayy!

You know,

McDaldy being like,

excuse me, do you mind?

They can't kick you out of a shit for lunch.

Let's go to another another movie.

Counselor.

Like, what's that guy's deal?

I told him he shouldn't make fun of retarded kids 14 years ago.

Now he's got a vendetta against me.

Damn, is that what Cape Fear's about?

Yeah, a guy just says a thing in a movie theater?

No, we talked about this.

It's about a process.

That's so funny that you throw it in the movie.

We literally talked about the movie last week, and then you think, damn, is that what it's about?

A guy that says a thing in a theater?

I don't know.

He could be crazy or something.

Yeah.

I don't fucking listen to it.

Look, dude, in one ear, out the other, that's the best way to stay centered in this crazy life, dude.

In this crazy life.

In La Vida Loca.

This crazy La Vita Loca, dude.

Yeah.

La Vita Joker.

Sucking La Vita Penis.

Oh, that should be a song on the new Joker soundtrack.

Living La Vita Loca.

Because he's crazy.

Is there a Joker ever coming out?

I know.

What the fuck?

I don't know, but I want to see it.

I wish they would do like a Joker movie where his backstory is he's like

he's either like a green beret or like a CIA special activities division guy, you know,

and he gets back from Afghanistan.

Uh-huh.

And then he becomes the Joker.

Yep.

I've seen people tweet that shit or say that

he's clearly

a veteran and he was not only a veteran, but he would torture people.

And they say that because he knows Batman's interrogation tactics.

That he's a veteran.

So he can't be broke.

That waterboard is.

Who's that Jules Suck Dikhanov guy?

Who?

On Twitter?

Jules Suck Suck.

Oh, yeah, that guy with the mustache.

Suck Dikarov.

Yeah, yeah, that's his name.

Yes.

Jules Suck Dikov.

I might be pronouncing it wrong, but he's like...

Like, and I don't give a shit, but it's fucking like hating Antifa for fighting fascists.

It's like hating the fire department for fighting fires.

The something, something for, I don't know.

That's

stupid.

Then the last one is Batman for fighting crime.

And it's like, if Batman were real,

he would be, he's a fascist.

He's a millionaire that just decides who gets to.

Antifa is legitimately breaking the law.

They're going around like assaulting.

And I'm not like pro, but

in your world where Batman exists, he would absolutely be fucking.

Batman would hate Andy.

He would be beating up Andy.

And the Joker

or Bane.

Yeah.

I don't think I've said this on the show before.

Yeah.

But Bane would be like,

not only have you not said it on the show before, it's your original take.

It's actually something that you deduced yourself.

It's something that I never read or didn't read in numerous ways.

Or heard someone say at a bus stop or a public venue.

I am anti-faded.

I'm put on the fucking ninja outfit, and I'm going to fuck up some Proud Boys.

I just think that that's not what fascists are.

Are bad, right?

But they're just other poor people.

Why don't they fuck up rich people?

Why doesn't Antifa kill the Koch brothers?

Okay, that's true.

That's fascism.

I guess, but there's so much fascism around us.

The Proud Boys are fucking dorks, dude.

I mean, they probably...

I just think it is weird that people seem to.

I'm just saying the elites, if you want to think of it in a class context, the elites want poor people to fight poor people so they can get away with doing whatever shit they want to do.

I don't even think it's that complicated.

I mean, it's like people need, it gives them some kind of purpose in their lives.

Yeah, and it gives them community, too.

I think it's mostly a social media.

Do you think it's like a bowling league?

Yeah.

The Antifa.

And the Proud Boys.

You have a mostly secular society with a bunch of people that never really needed to be truly atheists.

They can always just have faith in fucking, you know, the system or whatever.

And now that it's crumbling, they need some additional purpose in their lives so they have to dress up like ninja turtles and beat each other up in the streets to pretend like that there's some meaning or something that they can believe in or that they're doing something when ultimately the net result of all this like proudness and antifa shit is is absolutely serious nothing it cancels each other out these are bored people fucking macing each other feeling like they're doing something for nothing yeah it doesn't convince anyone of anything and then supporting it on social media becomes a similar act of like meaningless show.

It's even more meaningless.

Yeah.

You know what does work is BDS.

Or shooting a congressman at baseball practice.

Or yeah, or that.

BDS, you just not buying Seltzer?

No, BDS.

And you don't buy Soda Streams.

You can still buy LaCroix because those are made in

Hebron.

I didn't even watch the video.

I just saw some still of Bill Maher with him having a temper tank.

Oh my God.

What what a fucking idiot.

There's a really good Dershowitz video, which is like a BDS explainer that just dropped.

That's very funny.

Really?

It's like, my man also fucks kids.

Salute to Dershowitz.

In the current context of Teflon Don.

Yeah.

Did you see the videos where he's like, I got a massage?

I don't enjoy massages personally, but I got one.

My underwear stayed on.

I've had sex with one woman since I was married.

One woman.

I don't even like massages.

Just lying so Jewishly.

I don't like the hands and the touching, but I did it in my underpants.

I didn't want to be rude to my friend Jeffrey.

I kept my pants in.

I was just going to put down a massage.

And what kind of underpants were they?

It was a banana hammock thong.

A men's style.

A normal style that kept my penis in.

Derzhowich is a lawyer?

What is his thing?

He's a lawyer and a professor of law.

That guy's a lawyer.

He was O.J.'s lawyer.

Really?

Yeah.

He was on the team?

He was on the fucking dream.

Johnny Cochrane was the.

He was.

Johnny Cochrane was the Flash.

Yeah.

He was Freddie Mercury.

Bob Shapiro

thought he was, and then we all saw the show.

I didn't actually see the whole thing.

It's a great show.

You should watch it.

I watched most of it.

Or I watched the first two episodes.

Ross is Rob Kardashian.

What's his name?

Not Rob.

Rob Kashash.

Yeah, yeah, Robert Kardashian.

Oh, he's named his father.

I think he's named after his father.

Yeah.

Ross crushes it, dude.

Ross really kills it.

He's perfect for that guy.

Are they making another one of those?

You should.

About something.

Well, they made another one about Gianni Versace.

That was the same.

Same people.

Yeah.

American crime story or whatever.

Which was also pretty good.

I saw one random episode of that.

Yeah, I kind of want to see the Irishman.

Me too.

When did that come out?

I feel like I've been hearing about that movie for seven years.

I trust Scorsese.

Dude, I do too.

He kills me.

Did you guys see the Tarantino movie yet?

I did.

I did.

Which one?

The Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

I'm asking you if you saw Paul Figma.

The Land Before Time.

Yeah.

Have you seen Lamborghini Time 3?

Yeah.

That's the one with the Earthshake, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

that movie's gay, dude.

That's fucking gay.

Now that I think about it, they're fucking gay.

Little gay ass dinosaurs.

They think they're fucking tough.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're not tough.

Talk to them.

Talk to the people, man.

Nah, nah, nah.

Fuck that shit.

Miss me with that shit.

Miss me with that fucking

gay ass shit, dude.

I only watch cool stuff.

Like what?

Like, die hard, like tough movies.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, nah.

People were talking about fucking Lion Kings.

Nah.

No, dude.

Nah, nah, nah.

I'm going to watch Lions.

Nah.

No, I'll be watching fucking some Rated R stuff.

I'm going to be watching Rated R stuff.

I'm watching

Interview with a Vampire.

Fucking Nell.

Nell.

Some rated R movies.

Some rated R movies.

I can't wait to see some Rated R stuff, dude.

Yep.

Yeah.

Some other stuff, such as Money Train.

Yep.

Maybe some really badass PG-13 movies.

Yeah,

that's the kind of thing I go see.

Every once in a while.

Everyone.

Exactly.

You know,

where they cuss twice.

Right.

They say shit twice.

They're allowed to say fuck one time.

I just overhear somebody at a coffee shop say Cars 3.

I'm like, no, no, I've never seen that.

No, I don't even.

just spilling coffee.

What even is that?

Shut up.

Is that a movie on it?

Shut up.

Shut up.

Just shut up.

Shut up.

I'm not gay.

I am not gay.

Stop talking about Cars 3.

I'm not sure.

You're not gay.

Miss me with that gay shit.

I don't want to see gay things like that.

I've never even wanted to see it.

I was watching.

I haven't seen it, and I've never even seen it.

I thought I

wanted to see that.

I wanted to go see U.S.

Marshalls.

I love that movie.

The fucking sequel to

The Fugitive.

The Fugitive.

Yeah, but with Wesley, dude.

That was a good.

The Fugitive was a good movie, man.

Yeah, it was sick, dude.

He jumps off that thing.

Shit rocks.

I didn't fuck my wife.

I don't care.

I don't care.

Tommy Lee, man.

That man.

I saw a Chinese guy that looked exactly like Tommy Jones Lee.

No, you did not.

You can ask Amber.

We rode there.

We saw him.

We said, look, it's Tommy Jones Lee.

Oh, good.

Quick.

Where did you see him?

I still got it.

In Chinatown.

That's awesome.

Yeah, he came out and he had that, like, that, like, this expression.

Uh-huh.

Bemusement.

No, that, like, that, like, pained, you know, you've been staring at the sun in hill country for 900 years.

Look.

A squint.

Yeah.

Was the fugitive his first big-ass thing, Tommy Lee Jones?

Like, I can't imagine him being young.

No, yeah, he was in a bunch of shit.

As a young man?

Yeah, he's been acting since like the fucking early 80s, I think.

Hmm.

Let's see.

Tommy Lee Jones.

Tommy sucks bones.

Yeah, because the fugitive, what was that, 1995?

But I feel like that must have cracked him or something.

1993.

I mean, I could be totally wrong.

Well, he got an Academy Award for The Fugitive.

So definitely...

That probably took him to the next level.

Well, let me see what his breakthrough role was.

It was tight in Japan seeing him on all those billboards.

Was he in billboards?

Yeah, everywhere, dude.

He got, like, a bag for, like, being a coffee spokesman.

Was it coffee?

I think it was coffee.

Yeah.

That's tight.

Can we get a big-ass endorsement deal and like...

Yeah, just get paid fat.

Have a little Lost in Translation Week again.

I would love in translation, more like it.

It's Centauri time.

I love that shit.

Should we go to the the show?

We gotta go, guys.

Yeah, we should.

Oh, as always, check out come.town to see if it's a tour.

What was his big role, though?

Yeah.

What was his first?

It's just listing things.

Alright, well, yeah, go to come.town.

See me and Adam on tour.

29th Lodge Room, late show, 9.30.

See you in the bay.

See you in the bay.

Hopefully, I'll be there soon.

And suck me next weekend.

All right.

good evening.

Bye, everyone.

Bye.

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