Ep. 164 – In Your Eyes

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Yep.

My buddy.

You have sex with?

Your friends?

My buddies have been having sex with me recently.

My real friends have been having sex with me.

Dude, stop asking.

Unlike my fake-ass friends,

you know, my hall pass.

I can't use it on you.

Dude, it's fine.

It's for Benicio del Toro.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

To be gay?

To be gay.

Would you be gay with Nick?

Did I say that I would?

No, but if you had it, it'd be gay.

Ooh, look at Nick's good, dude.

Did I say that I would?

Yeah, that was a good answer.

Well, no, you said it and you were like, who did you say?

And it's like, I didn't.

No, but who would you be gay?

Nick would probably do the best under police interrogation.

He would be fucked by a cop?

No, no, no.

I mean, because...

No, I know what you mean.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he'd he'd be good like in a John McCain Hanoi hotel situation.

You know?

Yeah, I mean, there's people that are like

innately passable just by themselves without trying to be, you know.

A femme, you're talking about that.

Yeah, like Val Kilmer or Sebastian.

Young Val Kilmer.

Young Val Kilmer, I would suck his car.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

He was a dream, both.

I won't fuck you, though, man.

Even no matter how.

You don't have to fuck me, dude.

No one has to fuck you.

You can write a letter to my girlfriend and ask for permission.

I'm not going to write a letter.

Ah, fuck.

It's the letter part that I'm objecting to.

I don't trust you.

I'm glad you're getting your holes filled, though, bro.

Yeah, I've been getting my holes filled the last week and a half.

So what else is in the news?

Jeffrey Ash.

Jeff Ash.

Do you guys see that France has a green goblin?

No.

Yeah, yeah.

You didn't see that?

Yeah, yeah.

What's his name?

Posted a video of that.

Macron's bitch ass.

They had like a military parade, and they had a fucking straight-up green goblin flying and shit.

To say that that's like something the military is going to start doing.

That's gay.

That is gay.

I don't respect that.

First of all, I'll fucking get a nerf football.

The ones with the little tails in the back end that web.

And I'll knock that motherfucker clean off.

Of course.

And then I get the fucking green goblin.

I didn't see France had a parade, but did everyone shit their pants about it and call it fascist?

Oh, the parade?

They were making fun of it.

It was so gay that

they were making fun of them.

They call it.

They were calling it a fascist display and that France is now a fascist display.

Oh, because Trump's parade.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

But were people saying that?

I think they were saying that it was gay.

They were, but it was so gay that they made fun of it more than for how gay it was than the fascists.

Yeah.

They were like.

Yeah, they couldn't get past the France part.

Literally.

Although that's a good

when that falls into the wrong hands, dude.

No, I've never spoken out against Donald Trump's love of parades.

I've been on the record about my love of John Phillips Sousa and parade culture in general.

I got mad at that, everyone getting mad at the tank parade thing because it's like they're like, this is literally Tiananmen Square.

This is exactly what happened there.

There's tanks and people.

Those are the two.

Were there tanks there?

I thought it got rained out or something.

It got rained out.

Oh, really?

It never happened?

I thought it was raining in DC, unfortunately.

I don't know.

People getting upset about military equipment on display, but it's autistic erasure.

That's true.

Yeah, that's true.

Those people that just sort of like equipment.

Yeah, heavy farm equipment.

You don't even need the military.

Yeah, we should have met in the middle and just done a bunch of big jumps.

They have that.

They have a fucking...

It's called SEMA.

It's like a

special equipment and something.

Parade?

It's a big convention for fucking cool trucks.

You want to go there?

No.

It sounds like you want to go there.

You know what it is.

You know what

Everyone who knows what it is wants to go.

I don't want to know.

I don't know what Trump's parade, or I know what Trump's parade is, too, and I don't want to do that.

Yeah, because you don't like violence.

There's no violence happening there.

But there are machines of violence.

You want machines of peace.

Yeah,

let's turn those swords into plowshears, right?

Mm-hmm.

Let's get that fresh grain and shit like that.

Get back to the earth.

Mother Gaia, dude.

So we had a fucking French-ass green goblin

and then, hold on, I got it.

I got a list.

I got the news.

Are we going to do the news today?

Give me one second.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

I gotta wash my beard.

Why do you have to wash your beard now?

It's like there's like food in it or something.

It's really uncomfortable.

Okay.

I didn't realize.

I haven't been talking.

Yeah.

What have you been doing all day, man?

Nothing.

I was like chores.

You have to go to the post office.

Can we go back to Jeffrey Epson?

I feel like I'm thinking about it a lot now.

You want to talk right now?

Did you know that Aerosmith was also on the fucking fucking stage?

Well, first of all, just a follow-up to our last episode, we were laughing about it.

We recorded it on Friday, and then I saw an article a mere two hours after the episode.

That's the one I'm talking about.

Which said that Jimmy Buffett was

in

the Rolodex, the private Rolodex, his little black book, which means that I think Nick actually has said this, but the problem is island, guys.

Yeah.

The problem is like if you're into like islands or having your own island that is where the red flags go up so what about what do you what do you think about like hawaii well everyone there those guys

no those big guys those guys share their islands with other apocalybehes you know

some of my bejes and abuhus steven tyler's not an island guy Maybe he has his own island.

You know who else has an island?

Oprah.

Oh, shit.

She probably fucks kids on it.

That is a power move.

That would be.

You made this observation like two years ago, I feel like the islands are the problem.

Yeah, I kind of work through all this stuff.

What's your conclusion now?

I don't know.

Whatever I said two years ago about islands.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah, having a beard is nice because it looks cool.

But you should trim your mustache.

No, it's what had the problem is that like once every like three or four weeks, you'll have a day where you're like, fuck, there's just shit all over my face.

Yeah, that's how I felt about having a mustache.

Yeah, it's really

you can bring your mustache to that.

I would

have fat beard right now.

I mean, it doesn't look as good as Nick's beard.

What did you have in there?

Jerky?

No,

I think it's a mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise.

It has a sandwich with mayonnaise in it.

Got in there, and it's just like sticky.

Respect.

Yeah, there's like a cat on my face.

Yeah.

The entire cat.

When you eat pussy, that must stay there.

Oh, yeah.

Quite something.

But I've had a mustache, so

that's nothing new.

Do you shampoo?

Has anyone ever gotten lice crabs on their beard?

Probably sure they have.

In the 70s, dude, you probably got pubes all over lice all over your shit.

In the 1970s.

Remember that they would call it pubic lice, as if there was any difference?

I think there is.

No.

It's the same kind of lice.

I thought kids in school were getting lice because they their mom's pussy.

Interesting.

I didn't realize lice was a big thing back when we were in school, and it was because everybody's mom's 70, their 70s.

Their pussies were so hairy.

It's like, kids, as you know, your mom's pussies are from the 90s.

Out of control,

they got wild moms.

That was a good idea.

Good time for STDs.

Pre-AIDS.

Hold on, man.

Let him finish.

Sorry.

Oh, no.

Come on, Adam.

This cat's really taking in that bag, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Laying on my Adidas bag.

Let's go back into it.

The 70s, though.

Yeah, Sinbad has like a whole special that's all about

the 70s.

Every punchline is like in the 70s, and then it's just bullshit.

I mean, like, you can be like one of the greatest black comedians of all time.

You just start with a genre, like a thing.

Yes.

And, you know,

you'll be like, in the south, let me tell you, things will be different in the south.

And then it's just lies.

In the south, man, up in the north, everybody talking about where my Tim's at.

But in the South, man, everybody everybody got a hot air balloon.

You know that.

Look at that.

That's right.

And then people clap.

And then a massive round of applause.

Shit.

You take the hot air balloon to the post office.

Saying, I got postage.

Remember that?

Use that mail.

Now you got postage.

Because you've grown now.

It's just like that.

It's all it is.

God damn.

We should hire.

Using synonyms.

Using synonyms for words.

And then it's the thing.

There's that Meek Mill song where he's like, like, the money turned my noodles into pasta.

There's really no difference between those two.

I think ramen noodles into linguine.

I think he thinks it's, I think he's going from ramen noodles to

be more dollar money.

It's like a dollar machine.

It's an aisle over at the grocery store.

Yeah, they're in the same store.

And it's an insult to the Marichan Corporation.

It's also like you're picking things that both can be acquired with food stamps, which you should have had access to as a poor person.

That's right.

It's not like you're fucking pulling out your EBT card and you're like, uh,

Japanese noodles only, sir.

You're not getting no pasta, no noodles made by white people for white people.

Yeah, stay out of the Italian section.

Only the fuck you get tacos and you get ramen.

Italian guy watching that happen.

He's buying fucking ravioli with his food stamp card.

Mama Mia.

This is this, it's a fucking disgrace.

This is a disgrace.

My little cousin Paolo, he made those noodles

with the sweat off the back of his hands.

If Robert De Niro were here to see this.

To Italians, everything is sacrifice.

Everything you do after you get out of bed is some kind of sacrifice.

He put his pants on with the sweat of his brow.

He had to go outside.

And he went outside.

And he did it despite the fact that there was a door in the way.

Nobody could tell him

he wasn't going outside that day.

That's true.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Every single day that man would have breakfast.

Nothing would stop.

Crack the eggs.

Unless a man would stop at the show.

Oh, when I was your age, I would do push-ups.

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck Italians.

Oh, dude, I told you guys I went to Tony's house.

Oh, yeah, what happened?

I didn't know, but what was going on?

You did a little tour?

I went to Holston's.

Tony's been hanging out with his real friends now that he's, you know.

I went to Holston's diner where they did the final scene.

And I went to Tony and Carm's house.

Nice.

I did a tour of northern New Jersey.

Who are these guys you're hanging out with?

I hung out with Ari.

Do they have podcasts?

No.

Okay.

They're not podcasters.

Let me see your phone.

phone.

I've invited you over.

I invited you over multiple times this weekend.

Well, I invited you over here.

You said, what's going on?

I said, my buddy's coming over.

You want to come over?

And you were like, no, I was going to invite you over here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you could still come to mine.

We were neighbors, literally.

Yeah, well, we're neighbors, but like, neighbors in that car.

Now we both have cars

far enough that it's inconvenient to go to your house.

Well, you have a car now.

It's a walk.

It's nothing.

And the walk is 50.

It is nothing, which is why we do hang out often enough, but it's not like if there's

it's not across the street, yeah.

I mean, you're talking, I'm like not even ready to go to the fucking grocery store that's two blocks away, right?

You know, there's shit I need there.

That's true.

I haven't been in the grocery store in like three months.

Yeah, I needed it to take it.

Yeah, I had to put graham crackers in a protein shake because I didn't have any fucking blueberries.

Yep.

They tell you that you can sub graham crackers for blueberries.

It's basically the same thing.

It's like if it fits your macros, I mean,

you know, yeah, I know it's true.

You shouldn't do that all the fucking time.

No, I like this.

This is the kind of meal prep I can get behind me.

No, don't tell me.

It's the opposite of graham cracker milkshakes.

It's not prepping.

I'm meal prepping.

I'll leave you.

As long as you listen to Nutcracker while you do it, it's fine.

It's festive.

Get a little Tchaikovsky.

Yeah.

All of my cheat meals are eggnog graham cracker milkshakes with 36,000 calories.

But they got your good macros.

I'm just going to say every meal I have has fits my macros.

I've been throwing out my tits.

Yeah.

I would love to.

I wish I had big, juicy titties.

Oh, yeah.

Instead of these little fat titties, dude.

They're pretty big, dude.

They're not that big at all.

To the palm, they feel like a woman.

They feel fine to the palm, but look, you know, look at them.

I mean,

they're not aesthetic.

But if I was a woman...

But through the shirt, they feel nothing.

If I was a woman,

I would be a horror show.

Yeah, if you opened up a bra and you saw those, I mean, you also have chest there.

No, what I'm saying is my proportions are all wrong.

Yeah, you don't have a nice, like, circular cup.

Yeah.

There's kind of like

I wouldn't be a big, busty fat guy.

They're kind of wide.

They kind of go to the sides.

Yeah, they're not good.

Yeah.

I feel like you would have huge tits if you were a woman.

I don't think I would.

My tits are little.

Most guys have bigger titties, especially if they're as fat as me.

You're bald.

But you have the right kind of fat, though.

You have like a taut,

circular kind of thing.

You have all those fat guy.

You don't have have the stomach you have all the fat guy things going on you have a small dick bald it's true yeah uh you know it's not that small you're thriving stuff yeah well i mean you're hitting all the notes fat girl big fat tits that she doesn't shut up about true that's my favorite is the big fat girl when they brag about their big tits my boobs are so big yeah it's like listen We're hanging out with you because you have a car.

No, some of them have little titties.

That's true, but they're all that is really alarming also when you see a big, big, big old gal with some small ass.

Maybe they have

a big ass, though.

I mean, of course, they have a big ass.

But if you go 0 for 2, that's tough.

When they don't, that's the funniest.

They just look like Dr.

Robotnik.

Yeah, they put pigtails in, they look like Dr.

Robotnik.

I'm glad we've done that.

I've never had a shot with a single white guy.

But.

Oh, but, yeah.

Having said that.

It is nice that that's kind of how the world worked out.

And in fact, it's funny because it's like you almost think because there is so much manipulation and controversy in the way that the elites are deciding about it.

They were like, well, what are we doing after slavery now that, you know,

they're like, I've noticed that some of the white women are becoming disgusting.

No.

So you think this is part of Jim Crow?

Yeah, they're like, hold on, fellas.

I got a plan here.

Is there going to be.

It's going to take about 200 years.

But we're going to slowly invent a type of music called rap.

See, I would say no ass, no titties is more the purview of a short Hispanic man.

Sure, but I'm talking about just like a big, fat, disgusting,

you know, a big old girl.

I think I like a plus-size cutie, man.

Even honestly, I've busted the quickest.

Look, if we don't do something about these ugly women, they're going to start wanting the ride to vote.

Oh, this is pre-women suffering.

We need to get our colored friends in on these Elizabeth Cady Stantons.

This all started with them trying to dick down Elizabeth Caddy Stanton so good that she would forget about women's suffrage.

Okay, all right, I'm in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow, this is really

uncovering the conspiracies left and right now.

Little did

Elizabeth Caddy, ECS, seems like,

I don't know if she was a fan of dick.

She seems like

an early lesbian.

An early lesbian.

That guy coming back in the beating.

Bad news, folks.

They just fucking each other now.

And it's worse than we thought.

You would think that would satisfy them, but they want even more, right?

They're trying to take away the liquor and become president.

Is this plugged?

I just kicked it.

What?

Is this plugged?

I just kicked it.

Yeah, it's plugged.

It's still going, isn't it?

Yeah.

Okay.

He's still going here.

still going, man.

I kicked it and the light came on, so I wasn't sure.

What light?

The

display.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

Just check if it's plugged back.

Don't tell me what the fuck to do, man.

I'm suggesting.

It's like, I'll do it.

I'll do it because you're my first.

It's definitely plugged in.

Okay.

Alright.

Who was the other bitch with Elizabeth Caddy Stanton?

This doesn't even have batteries in it anymore.

So it would die immediately.

There was another bitch, right?

Yeah, there was a lot of them.

Not Betsy Rochester.

I was just one bitch that was like, I'll

have to now the ass suffrage.

But there was a duo.

It was Elizabeth Caddy Stan and somebody else.

I don't know.

This is like, I remember learning this.

And I remember they were beefing with Frederick Douglass.

Douglas was saying, no, the bitches can't vote.

No, because he was like, look, I get it, but let black guys vote first, man.

And they were like, come on, dude.

Is that true?

That's 100% true.

Damn.

He was like, I'm on the team.

I want you to vote, but come on, bitch.

Give me a fucking, let us get something.

That's old school.

I like that.

You know, I like white feminists were trying to get in, swoop in when they were trying to give blacks right.

That's right.

You know, a lot of Pelosis.

Elizabeth Kenny said, I saw a bunch of people retweeting this Indian girl today that was, or yesterday, that was like, white women are equally responsible for the white supremacy as white men or whatever.

And then all of these people retweeting it.

And it's like, they're going to come for you, too.

Come on, huh?

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Roll that ball.

They got time, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, not a lot.

I think more than you think.

Well, I'd say, and I've made this point before.

I feel like Indian people are where white people were at in like 1993 in terms of their relationship with blacks.

Exactly.

You are 100% correct.

The Indian dudes are all like, I don't see color.

Yeah.

Or whatever.

And then the women are like, you know, they're supposed to be our boyfriends.

Yes.

You know.

They're like, they've got all Indian guys are just David Faustino.

Who's David Faustino?

It's bud from Married with Children.

That's true.

He started his own rap career.

Yes.

Yeah.

That is true.

He's also like 5'1.

A lot of Indian.

Yes, we are in the age of Indian people just being allowed to steal everything from black people right now.

We got

Color Me Baghdad

is where they're at right now.

But that's still a lot of time, bro.

We're in 2026.

That has to be their anthem.

That has to be their favorite song.

That is literally what they say to women.

It seems like they've Call Me Bad stole that from an Indian guy.

No, I think they heard him singing.

I think there's some sort of synergy there.

I think it's just too.

No, dude.

Once again, the underlying structures that support this entire system make themselves apparent.

It's all cyclical.

Yes, sir.

It's all just different iterations of the same thing.

Question is, what happens to white people?

A lot of people talk about white genocide.

That's fine.

Yeah.

Why not?

Who cares?

Mm-hmm.

I think it would be cool if we evolved into,

you know, maybe back, maybe regressed.

We're back into, we become monkeys again.

Well,

some reptiles.

Reptiles.

That's a lot of regress.

That's a lot of

different.

Can you imagine how jealous people would be if we just got to be like fucking just laying around on the sun and shit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sunning our little bellies.

Right.

Laying eggs.

That'd be great.

That would be awesome.

You wouldn't have to date.

You just get to fucking bust inside on top of an egg or whatever.

Guys don't lay eggs in the dinosaur community.

Oh, wait, do you still have to fuck if they lay eggs?

I think the bitches still lay the egg.

I think you gotta fuck them first.

Just like birds fuck each other and then the woman lays an egg.

Would you be a pterodactyl or a T-Rex?

Fuck, that's a great question.

I would say pterodactyl, just majestically flying.

Yeah.

That would be tight.

It's funny because it's like

the scientists decided there were like two Rex.

That's the baddest, the most badass one.

We're giving it the coolest name, and it's like,

if you didn't name all the dinosaurs and I was just looking at them, I'd be like, that one looks

like mine.

Yeah, I mean, you can't jack off.

B-minus.

It's got stupid arms.

It's stupid on a fly.

Yeah, it's got a big head, but you know.

Maybe its jaw is that fucking.

Why was it named Rex?

It could fuck everyone up.

Because it was the biggest, like.

At the time?

The biggest, like, vicious.

They found bigger motherfuckers.

Predator, I guess, in that.

But they don't even fucking know when they're naming them.

Some motherfucker in the 40s probably, or whatever, the 1840s probably found his ass.

Some Dutch guy.

I was like, this is the best one.

Yeah.

And it's like, no, motherfucker, there's going to be a ton more dinosaurs.

No, it was probably a.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You can't just fucking dig up a bone and be like, this is the fucking coolest dinosaur of all time.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's what I'm saying.

If you fuck once,

you can't declare yourself the guy that fucks the best.

Yeah.

Well, they got a black lady as James Bond now.

That's what I am talking about.

That's right, brother.

Here's my thing.

They're just doing it to make people mad so that the James Bond fans will be like, we got to protect James Bond.

It was just like Lady Marvel or whatever it was called, how they encouraged Marvel fans to go on IMDb IMTB to like defeat the trolls that hadn't even been trolling yet.

You know who tried that before everyone was George Lucas.

Don't say George R.

Banks.

No,

his movie Red Wings.

Oh, yeah.

Red Wings was coming out.

He's like, oh, if you don't like this movie, you're racist.

Right.

It was about the Tuskegee Airmen, right?

Yeah, yeah.

He just said it like just.

He made that movie?

Yeah.

He's like, you're a racist piece of shit.

It must have just been shitty, right?

It was garbage, yeah.

Yeah, otherwise it probably would have taken off.

Sure.

Who was in it?

I feel like it was a good cast, too.

Lawrence Fishburne, I remember that movie, Denzel Washington,

Sidney Poitiers,

wait, was it Lawrence

you know?

Yeah, no, Charles S.

Dutton, no, I don't remember the cast, Peebo Bryson, Peebo Bryson, PMX,

what's his naming by me?

Wasn't Lawrence Fishburne actually in it?

My friend Brandon from middle school, yeah,

um, uh, The Kiss My Bumper guy,

Howard G,

the Red See Damn High Fella.

Jonathan Ogden.

The Crows from Song of the South.

No, not them.

They weren't in it.

Clinton Porters.

Now I'm thinking of an Eastern Motors commercial.

Ray Lewis.

Mad Eastern Motors.

Your job, Joe Credit.

Mm-hmm.

Damn.

Pork chop, a DJ from 92Q.

Kay Swift before she died.

What was I going to say?

Oh, the black lady is James Bond.

Now, listen, I don't, whatever.

My only has anyone said, like, no,

I'm more disappointed that those movies can't be like consistently good.

When I was a kid, Goldeneye, like, I was like,

damn, yeah, amazing.

But yeah, most of them are bad.

You don't get that anymore.

Moonraker was sick.

Moonraker came out in fucking, what, 1971?

I'm just saying, there's the

minority of them were actually good movies.

Most of them, pretty good.

Mission Impossible ones go.

Goldfinger's good.

Every single one.

Goldfinger's Good.

From Russia with Love's Good.

Moonraker's.

Moonraker's sick.

It's about that guy.

He wants to make.

He's a white supremacist.

He's a non-speaker.

He wants to make an Aryan race on the moon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a great idea.

Yeah.

It's like,

you know, to frame a guy.

He's sort of like an anti-hero or anything.

Somebody with noble or sympathetic ambitions.

But bad ones.

I don't know about this.

Sort of like the villain from The Rock.

Yes.

Ed Harris.

Who wants to kill everyone in San Francisco?

Because

the government won't give VA benefits to.

Is that what the plot of The Rock is?

Yeah.

The government's denying VA benefits to people that they to troops that were illegally deployed.

So he's basically Jon Stewart with 9-11 guys.

Yeah, kind of.

And we celebrate Jon Stewart for that.

And we demean demean Ed Harris.

Yeah, yeah.

You see that?

Hmm.

What's the difference?

You either give me $25 a month or I'm going to blow up San Francisco and all the faggots in it.

Oh, it should have been The Rock.

You're absolutely right.

I was trying to do Ed Harris.

Oh, I thought you were doing The Rock.

Yeah, I guess it's very similar.

Yeah.

They're very close.

Plus, it would be less confusing.

Yeah.

If The Rock starred in The Rock.

Dwayne, The Rock Johnson.

And it's about Ed Harris, a good friend of mine, very talented actor.

He takes over my ass and he's holding.

He's holding San Francisco hostage with my dick.

That would have been a good point.

Who put the dick in my ass?

Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery have to

fly a boat into my ass.

And Sean Connery is the only person to ever escape my ass.

You guys saw that when Colin Powell went to the UN to say that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Like one of the schematics, I'm pretty sure it was when Colin Powell went.

One of the schematics were like those green balls from the weapon in the rock.

Do you remember the scene where like Nicholas Cage needs to like dive and like catch one of the balls?

Was that

like a nerve agent in the.

Yeah, yeah, but like the it was just they just used screen caps from that movie?

No, I guess they just used the designs from

a weapon that doesn't.

And if you see here, and it's just like maybe it was Colin Powell.

I might be mistaken.

He just also has like that Catherine Zeta Jones going over all those red wires, also.

You can see here the kinds of security we're up against.

I would just love it if it was nothing but fucking shit from movies.

Catherine Zeta Jones isn't in The Rock.

No, I know.

I'm saying in different

iconic shit.

I've been having like a heavy 97 to 99 infatuation film-wise.

Wait, did you watch Eyes Wide Shut because people say that there's a deleted Bill Clinton scene

or Prince?

Well, I watch it because of Epstein.

Yeah, because the Epstein.

Yeah, is it about Epstein?

It's basically.

It's about elites that have like a secret fucking society, and Tom Cruise accidentally discovers it, and then they're like threatening to kill him.

Yeah.

Like, people have been linking that.

And also, they say that Kubrick died because he was uncovering pedophilia.

Oh, hell yeah.

And Nicole Kidman's dad was accused of molesting a girl.

He was like some higher, high,

like Sydney upper crust fucking psychiatrist or whatever.

Damn, that's all it takes to be in the elite in Australia.

That was raping a child.

To have a college.

He'd have to fucking be a psychiatrist.

I think he was rapidly.

You gotta be a billionaire around here.

They need to just be a dentist and rape children.

They didn't earn it, you're right.

Yeah, no, he was accused and then fled the country and died of a heart attack.

Whoa, heart attack gun.

Yeah, but

a lot of people say that the reason Kubernetes cast them is to destroy Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's marriage as revenge for her father being part of one of these

cults.

Yeah, did he?

He looked molested?

What was his motivation there?

He looks molested.

Yeah, I think he's just an ugly guy.

I did read or some see or whatever.

I don't know where the fuck I saw it.

But that

he would fuck with them during, like, he wouldn't let them see each other and he would lie to one of the, you know,

give them different information.

Fuck with their marriage, for sure.

He would fuck Nicole Kidman.

Yeah.

Make Tom Cruise.

Yeah, he also stressed Tom Cruise out.

I mean, they had to shoot.

That movie is so fucking good.

They shot for like 400 days straight.

What?

Yeah, they shot it in London, too.

They like built New York City on a soundstation.

What the fuck?

Really?

Yeah, didn't like all the exteriors look like they're in New York, but it's London.

How long did they shoot for, for real?

Like 400 days in a row.

Shut what?

It's an amazing over a year?

Yeah.

That's insane.

Yeah, it fucked up.

Tom Cruise, like, you know, he was at the height of his career.

Yeah.

He could have shot like three other movies in that

and made like probably like fucking $15 million.

Yeah.

And then, you know, that was like the movie.

He like derailed his career.

That's wild.

Yeah.

I mean, he bounced back nicely.

Oh, of course.

I mean, he still continues.

I thought that the Church of Scientology was trying to split them up.

I mean, maybe.

I don't know.

I thought that Miss Cavidge thought that Nicole Kidman was keeping him away from the movie.

She's so hot.

She's so hot.

Her titties are so nice.

When she's getting changed at the beginning of that movie, I always feel like I'm seeing old friends.

Yeah.

Just a nice pair.

I haven't seen the movie, but I have jacked off to that scene.

I saw a perfect pair of tits.

I would fucking destroy

it.

Destroy that bitch.

Back then.

Now she's ruined.

I kind of like Redhead.

She's holding on.

She's keeping it tight.

Here's me.

Here's Nicole Kidman on the desktop.

Click, and I'm dragging her to the trash.

Oh, wow.

Not me, ladies.

I wanted it to be known.

Dragon.

And And then we're going to go hit the Apple thing.

Empty trash.

Secure empty.

You're going to completely get her off the hard drive.

Secure empty trash.

Click.

Done.

And then here's me.

That's the sound.

And then he puts up.

You put your laptop.

He puts his laptop in the microwave.

Let's not be ridiculous.

I need that computer.

I'm not going to hurt my computer.

You poor soda.

Now, hold on.

You said something about perfect titties.

I saw a perfect pair of titties in a movie, movie, and Rip Torn's dick is also in that movie.

Hell yeah.

Was that the man who fell to earth, the Nicholas Rogue film

starring David Bowie?

And whose titties were they?

Rip Torn plays a college professor, and he fucks one of his students, so she has perfect titties.

If you can shock my dick, you can fuck my ass.

Oh, rest in peace to the god, of course.

We should say rest in peace to the kids.

R.I.P.

to the god, dude.

And if anyone wants to.

Already in fucking

Larry Sanders show, the best.

He's so fucking good in that.

The best.

My favorite character in that show is Hank's agent, like the 97-year-old Jewish.

Yeah, who keeps falling asleep.

Hank fucking rules.

Hank is my favorite character.

You know Hank.

He's such a fucking loose character.

You know Hank tried to get invited to the child rape parties and wasn't cool enough.

Yeah, exactly.

That's the basis for his character.

Hey, now, can I have sex with children, please?

Just thinking about that scene with Sean Rouse and Men in Black 2.

So funny.

It makes no sense.

None whatsoever.

Why was his agent being like, this is going to be good for you?

Is one line.

That happens a random amount with comedians, I feel like.

Like, Damian Lemon was inspired.

He was a taxi driver in one of the Spider-Man's.

He's also just like a fucking guy in jail in the night of.

Really?

Fucking John Totoro is like.

Who Damian Lemon?

You don't have any options.

You don't have any options.

It's not looking good for you.

And then it just cuts to Damian Lemon being like, all right, all right.

Just one line.

Yeah, he has something.

It's like real short.

Wasn't Martha Kelly also in the last Spider-Man?

She was in the news Zach Alfanaka show, but she was like a star.

Yeah.

But I think she was like a security guard in Spider-Man for some reason.

That's probably a good show.

That's pretty cool.

I wanted to be in that shit.

Yeah, I would say, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know, help me, Spider-Man.

I'm fucking, I'm a bitch.

I'm gay.

My dick is small.

My dick is small, Spider-Man.

Spider-Man,

sir, just be sit there looking fat, please.

You don't have to say anything.

Yeah, I'm ready to be a cameo comedian.

Yeah,

that sounds great.

Yeah, damn.

Actually, speaking of cameo, they've all been, have they been trying to get you to?

What?

No.

They've been hitting Stav and I up about shit.

Should we do cameo?

I think it's $42,000.

Yeah, if I put it like an outrageous sum of money, but then people would just say, like, say the N-word.

Let's not pretend like we're not all just going to be on cameo in four years

for $5.

Yeah, people are going to pay a clip.

People are going to pay a

clip, but but getting a job.

I've tasted

nectar is too sweet.

Yeah, right, motherfuckers.

I'm in Baltimore.

I'm working part-time at Sherwin-Williams on a paid-off house.

That's what I'm doing in four years.

New life, dude.

Settling in your life.

Living with your brothers.

Living with my brothers.

Smoking 50% CBD.

I'm smoking the remedy, that strain of weed.

Remedy.

I love that shit.

Is it named after the Jason Moraz song?

Yes, it is.

It makes you feel just as good as you feel listening to that song.

I'm putting on my little fedora dude.

I'm just fucking jamming Jason.

Remedy is some fuck.

It's a dangerous liaison.

At Jewish summer camp.

At summer camp, they had a rapper come.

They had a rapper come visit us at camp.

Hell yeah.

They said, this guy is a Wu-Tang clan affiliate.

Hell yeah, who wasn't?

Which is like, there's like

100 of those.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like, most of them are lying anyway, yeah.

Um, and it was a Jewish rapper named Remedy, incredible song, and he there's so many of those guys in New York.

Like, even if you make the mistake of talking to your Lyft driver and he's not from Africa, yeah, or you know, yes,

Southeast Asia guys, yeah,

they'll be like,

Yeah, actually, I am, I was affiliated with Bhutan Clan.

I'm an affiliate, yeah.

But anyway, his song, his

Bhutan is like Quickstar,

in what sense, you know, it's like a pyramid scheme.

I don't know what Quickstar is.

It's like an Amway.

Herbalife.

Yeah.

You think it's a.

Yeah, they got a bunch of them.

They got...

Eldis knew a guy who was like, I think semi-mentally retarded, and he was a cousin of old dirty bastard.

Huh?

She's a cousin of his mom.

No, he worked at a record store with some guy who was like half retarded and

claimed to be OD.

He was working at a record store to love Manic Pixie Dream Girls.

No, I mean, he was in high school.

I have such a high fidelity.

Maybe you should check out this

shoes.

He was absolutely not meeting Manic Pixie Dream Girls.

I'll tell you that much right now, partner.

That movie

used to kick me in the balls when I was 12.

Like Garden's Day?

No.

High Fidelity.

High Fidelity.

Never seen it.

I used to get so sad.

Jack Black and John Cusack?

yeah yeah who's the girl they're date they date each other one of the exes is a very

you like put your dick through the record into my ass and then it's not gay

you said bonet's in that movie look you're fucking the record man

you love music don't you man yeah we're all just gonna fuck records anyways

jack black is that the one where he puts the thing over it the boom box over his head he knows

that's anything.

Jack Black.

Well, what the fuck?

There's two movies with John Cusack and music?

How about a movie?

That's called Fuck.

A lot of movies have been using music.

How about a movie?

I've been realizing that a ton of movies have songs in them while people are even talking about.

No,

first of all, how dare you try and make my podcast a little bit?

How about a movie called

Central to the plot is music.

One's a record store, one's a boombox.

Sorry, Nick, go ahead.

No, it's a movie called Fuck Anything.

Okay, yeah.

yeah, Sean Cusack holding up the boombox, and then we cut to the bedroom window, and then into the frame, just this huge fat bitch.

She's just like moving the drapes aside and looking at him from the window.

He's playing in your eyes.

In your eyes.

And he fucks her.

Same touchstone.

He fucks her real quick.

Then he goes next door to an even fatter, uglier lady.

And he just fucks.

fucking 80s.

He has one mood.

Yeah, he fucks an old lady without a leg.

He

gets sucked off.

That's so funny.

That's so funny.

Fuck anything.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's a good one.

He's a kickboxer in that movie.

Really?

Yeah.

Didn't say anything?

Yeah.

I thought that was like...

I don't remember that movie.

Way too cool.

He doesn't look like a kickboxer.

I can fuck him up.

Didn't he tweet that he wanted to meet Amber or something?

Yeah, he did.

That's pretty pretty easy.

Yeah, I would love to

really love to plow that

moonface girl from Chapa.

Tweeting that out.

Oh, whoops.

Who's the big lip bitch from Chopa?

He ends up fucking Matt.

Yeah.

That would be a cute couple, honestly.

Matt Christman and John QSA.

I would stand.

I would ship them.

I would give them a combined name.

Wow, my ass!

That's Matt getting fucked in the ass.

That's my Matt getting fucked in the ass.

Matt getting pissed.

Stop it!

Going off in his rant.

Do his rants.

Matt doing a rant.

They clear out an ISO for Matt to do a rant about getting fucked in the ass by John Cusack.

I love that guy, dude.

I wonder, like,

you think Cusack's got strong dig game or years of being doing drugs and shit in Hollywood and seeming kind of crazy?

No, he's definitely fucks.

He's 78 years old.

Damn.

I heard he's on Raya.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's why I'm trying to get on there.

I thought you were already on there.

I'm trying to get on there.

Why don't you just use Tinder?

No, you need to upper echelon of business.

You only use Instagram, I think.

Yeah.

That is the way it works.

If I were to ever become single, I would

seek out a new app that's just for trash.

Just broken people that are on the

scum.

Broken people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Twisted clown.

clowns.

It should be the forgotten toys only women with those little ribbons on the back of their thighs can be in it, you know what I mean, where it's like stockings.

You have to scan her self-harm scars like a fucking barcode.

You're right,

beep, it doesn't register, you know what I mean?

Yeah, no scars, no neck tattoo, nope.

Sorry, yeah, yeah.

There's got to be a certain uh,

there's criteria to join this shit.

We need to see

the bottle of pills, your Zoloft that you haven't taken for four weeks in a row.

And beat that bitch on whole loft.

See in the South, they got different medicines.

Ain't nobody in the South taking no damn medicines.

Just fry up some chitlin.

All you need is summertime.

That's the answer.

Shit, everybody had a kiddie pool, whole thing filled with cores like

I would love love for you to just write this, hire someone, and just watch him do it.

Yeah.

Book out Madison Square Garden.

No, dude, just book like a little, you know,

80-seat thing in

South Carolina or something.

Just like an ironically racist Roman emperor would.

Just

at the Coliseum and I'm like making some black guy do.

I've enslaved Cat Williams and I'm making him do my material for an audience of 30,000 people.

Are you not entertained?

Some woman feeding me grapes.

Feed him the lions.

I think that that would be probably more demeaning, having to do

death than fighting to the death.

I would like to see that.

People respected gladiators.

It's a movie Gladiator, but instead of Russell Crowe being forced to be a gladiator, he's forced to be a part of the universe soul circle.

And that's what fucking marcus aurelius likes watching jamel's got a good russell crowe and blackface

trying to juggle

oh well one second first they killed my wife and then they raped my son

i don't know something like that yeah yeah they raped and killed my son and killed my wife and now i'm a black clown

they make him do improv yeah

that's that's embarrassing Dude, I saw a fucking Spanish-language improv poster.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, maybe.

It was the last movie of somebody.

Who?

It's Lawrence Olivier?

No.

Was it an improv?

Oliver.

Yeah, no, no, no.

An actor.

The last movie was Gladiator.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The slave owner, who was a former...

Former Gladiator.

Gladiator.

I think it's that actor's name.

I forget that guy's name.

It wasn't Lawrence Olivier.

It wasn't.

It was Oliver Blatt.

No, that guy's alive.

Oliver.

It was something.

He was from Puss and Boots.

I don't know why.

I keep thinking

Peter O'Toole because it's neither of them.

Gladiator.

Peter O'Toole would be a good name for someone with a big-ass dick.

Who wouldn't even have to change it?

An Irishman.

He's just got a big old tool.

Gladiator fucking rocked.

It used to rock.

Yeah.

It no longer rocks.

Dude, I saw it.

I tried re-watching it.

No, shut up.

It's bad.

Shut up.

It's bad.

You're lying.

Try.

Don't make me fuck.

If I watch it and try to do it, I'm going to be so fucking pissed off.

Dude, it was so.

The first time I saw it, it was so

exhilarating.

I was so happy when it won Best Picture.

I was like pumped.

I was like,

hell yeah.

I remember watching it with my parents.

Which is such a specific kind of gay child to be.

I mean, like, watching the audience.

But, like, that's their favorite thing.

As young, presumably straight.

Men just like, yeah, watching the Oscars with our moms when we pop the gladiator one.

I fucking love Rose,

dude.

Fuck whatever.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever watched the Oscars.

I've caught bits and pieces, but I've never been to like an Oscars party.

Yeah, never.

I went to a Golden Globes party one time.

Hell yeah.

I was dating a girl that had a lot of gay friends.

Yeah, gay guys love award shows.

Yeah, really.

And they're all sitting there and, you know, looking at them.

They love their little trophies.

just being like oh she is not about to say this

yeah i'm like this is gay you know and then you say that and then people are like what's that supposed to mean you know and you're like i don't know

you could say it was gay in that because it is legitimately gay they gay guys like the oscars because they think the statue is hot yeah that's why they're into it get those roasted

roasted

yeah award shows are boring as they're pretty boring i like when they people have like meltdowns like meryl streep had a meltdown a couple years ago at Trump.

That was pretty funny.

Well, now some shit that everybody.

No, that wasn't Meryl Streep.

That was fucking.

No, Meryl Streep's like, Mr.

Trump, we're going to go.

No, that wasn't.

Robert De Niro said, fuck.

That was awesome.

First of all, fuck Trump.

Frank Dorman had the funniest where she's like, she was drunk.

Quit any project that doesn't have a diversity rider that says that 50% of everyone who works on the movie is black.

And then that night she called the police on a black guy and he went to jail.

Oh, yeah.

there was a yeah, there was a black guy on her

of stealing of stealing her

award.

Yeah, no, that's real, yeah.

Oh, that's real.

Yeah, god damn.

That's so funny.

Joel Cohen seems like the chillest guy, though.

Like, how could he handle that?

Maybe she sucks dick like a shit.

Everybody, bitch, fuck up here and there.

Yeah, in the south, that's how they know.

In the south, the bitches don't fuck up in the south.

It's shit.

You fuck up in the south.

Yeah.

The bitch, she don't one.

She's losing up the mask.

You're doing Yakov Smirnoff.

Bitch.

Yeah.

No, that whole Sinbad special is like a shit.

Just Yakov Smirnoff, yeah.

At one point, he's like, yeah, no, there's one line in it where he's like, in the 70s, you get hit by a car, get right back up.

That's just so not.

It's just bed space at top.

It's just saying the cars were much heavier and less safe.

Yeah, the cars were like,

like a sedan was 4,000 pounds.

Fucking Sinbad.

Come see us, motherfucker.

We'll tune your ass up.

I'll beat Sinbad.

You're a fucking high yellow ass Sinbad.

He's a great comic, though.

Yeah, I do.

I actually like Sinbad.

Those specialists were great.

What was I just going to say?

I had one day when I was like 20 where I like...

I got real high.

I'm like, dude, I'm going to watch Steve Harvey and Sinbad to make fun of it.

And then I'm like, ha ha!

Yeah, genuinely enjoy it.

I'm like, all right, they're good.

They're much better at comedy than I am.

Comedy is garbage.

I watched Family Feud last night for the first time in a long time, and he's great.

Dude, you know what?

Can I be honest?

That's my real career goal: to be a game show host.

To be the host of Family Feud, I would love to be aware of that.

That'd be honest.

I was just like, just to do a disgusted look at an old woman making a sexual innuendo.

Phyllis, you dirty girl.

We're all going to be on game feuds.

The one in the 70s,

the Family Feud guy in the 70s used to just hook up with everybody.

Adam's going to be on a show called Deal or More Deal.

Yeah.

Just a game show where he haggles with the contestants.

Yeah.

How much?

I'm going to host Jeopardy, and then somebody's going to, you know, I'll be like, you know, but after exploding in fucking 1980, whatever, it's fucking, you know, be like, boo, what's Mount St.

Helena or whatever?

And then I'll be like,

that's a tough one.

I guess, oh, I guess, yeah, that's.

Yeah, you got it.

I guess you got it.

Yeah.

I know.

I was thinking something different.

Because there was the other one.

They're like, just read the next question.

Boom.

No, I'm fucking

motherfuckers.

Who the fuck are these judges, anyways?

They're never even on camera.

Who's that?

The Jeopardy judge?

Like, the Jeopardy judges need to live in secrecy in case what?

Somebody comes to their house, kills them, be like, change your fucking opinion about the way that's pronounced.

When do they go to the judges?

Bro, there's no judge.

There's some fucking intern with a Wikipedia.

She's just a Jewish person.

Who looks off camera at a producer or something?

Yeah.

Because they'll say things and then, you know.

Oh, if they're going to accept it or not.

Yeah.

Because it's close.

Yeah.

Show me having sex.

Name something you shove in your vagina that gets hard and releases sperm.

If they let me write the questions, too.

If I hosted Anne writing, a lot of family dudes like that.

They're like, oh, they set them up.

They're like, what's something that's long and hard that you love sucking on?

And then the family will be like,

they'll be like, a penis.

And then Steve Harvey's like, I can't believe this.

Yeah.

I love it.

In God's house.

They're going to.

Child, they're going to.

You know, he's like fucking having a meltdown over like I love it, dude.

Yeah.

They really set his ass up.

One of my favorite fucking

mad TV jokes was when they would do Louis Anderson.

Is it Frank Caliendo?

Is Louis Anderson?

Oh, yeah, the Mad TV.

Maybe it was Will Sasso.

I care about it.

It was Will Sasso.

Yeah, but he'd be like, all right, there's being a feud.

And then there's one time where his pants just fall down and he doesn't realize it

because he's too fat.

That's very funny.

It's

very funny.

That's very funny.

That's very funny.

To pull his pants back up, they just fall down.

Dude, it's great.

The Mad Magazine is over.

Mad Magazine is over now or some shit.

And I just remember, I remember reading it as a kid and being like,

what the fuck is it?

Where the fuck is Stewart?

This shit fucking sucks.

There's no retards.

No one's talking like a Chinese lady.

Who the fuck is this satire bullshit?

Who's this Alfred E.

Newman, motherfucker?

He's not funny.

Dude, yeah.

It's funny that Trump calls Mayor Pete Alfred E.

Newman.

That is a good-ass roast jokes.

That's a good burn.

That's better than most of his burns.

Yeah, I should just, I should find a way.

If anybody knows anybody at the White House, that that during the debates, you'll hire me to write roast jokes for Trump.

For Trump, you want to be on the staff.

That is the only writing credit I want, is the guy who wrote Rose Jokes for Donald Trump for the debates.

And see if we can get him to only treat it as a

roast battle.

Probably.

That would be great.

Yeah.

I'm sure Shane Gillis would be on board.

Oh, Shane's already got.

Yeah.

The only reason you're not going to get the job is because Shane's been fucking

asking for it.

They hire multiple people.

Oh, okay.

You're right.

Yeah.

Still, though, I think Shane wants it to be the only guy.

No, it would be me and Shane, and then at per usual, five Jewish men with the torsos of

like a melting Easter bunny.

Those guys are good.

Yeah.

They know what they're doing.

Yeah.

They've been writing since fucking cheers.

Yeah.

But a butta bum bum.

Those guys are dropping.

How about we do something

that's

we say Elizabeth Warren should get raped.

But you you make it clear that only only because she's a Native American, and that'll complete her identity.

Okay, that's a funny joke.

You know, the only thing very funny.

Yeah, so this is the direction I'm thinking.

Very funny.

No, I'm thinking something like,

you know, it's like Elizabeth Warren, you know, she wants, you know, oh, she's a Native American.

Why?

Because she got raped by John Smith.

You know, maybe we can say something like that.

Yeah, okay.

We'll put that over in the maybes, Maurice.

All right, Morty.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Damn.

Well, you know what?

I'm going to join fucking Kamala Harris's writing staff.

Oh, you are?

It's going to just be fucking zings and shit.

I love you.

It's going to be clapbacks.

Oh, I'm going to do clapbacks.

Kamala Harris is,

you know.

They probably need...

Need her to do clapbacks.

Did you see that tweet from the Democratic Party?

If Trump got like a clapback,

little manicured hand on a wand, and he used it to touch Kamala's hair during the debate.

Just gently caress her hair while she's trying to speak.

It's beautiful.

It's 15 feet away.

She's like, can you stop doing that?

He's like, I'm going to do whatever I want.

I'm president.

Until you stop, man, president.

Beautiful hair.

Just, yeah, just delicately comb it behind her.

I love it.

But while she's

great while she's trying to speak, I'm not touching you.

Just using the wand to do the what?

I'm not touching you.

When I was having gay sex in the military, I learned that racism, the only cure for it, is rap lyrics.

Use this finger.

Humo.

What?

I'm not touching you.

I'm not touching you.

I'm not touching you.

I like this because Trump is basically attending the Democratic debates.

He's agitated.

He got him on.

Honestly, they would be so much better if Trump just got to throw

if he dropped in.

He just got to do a quick turn.

Because we're only going to get him on a one-on-one, you know?

They should give him

a little Trump corner.

Damn, that does suck.

He's only going to.

I want to see him go against all these freaks, you know?

That would be great.

Yeah.

I feel like he should ride Juanita Broderick onto the stage.

Well, didn't he bring her to the debate?

He brought another woman.

No, he he brought like

pre-the debate.

It was crazy.

Damn.

What a fucking camp.

That's how you become president, baby.

Yeah.

It was a good, it was a chess move.

Yeah, it's going to be so satisfying when he wins again.

Yeah.

I mean, it'll suck.

It already sucks.

Things suck.

The world sucks.

But it's like,

there is a Schaudenfreude and seeing all of these people who think they're making a difference on Twitter.

Like, oh, all these people are like, I just want to let you know that I am boycotting Amazon today in solidarity with the.

It's like, okay, so you postponed a fucking errand for a day?

Yeah.

To buy toilet paper?

You're not going to not use hand.

You're not going to, yeah, right.

Undo your Prime account.

Yeah.

Don't reuse the shit.

How much shit you fucking rely on Amazon.

Absolutely.

It's also like it's meaningless.

Like, that's such a

fourth-grade fourth-grade understanding of all of the systems that your life are built upon or built upon like exploitation.

It's like, oh, turns out Amazon's bad.

It's like, yeah, of course they're bad.

Right.

Everything is fucking bad.

What's going on?

There's a strike.

The workers are striking or some shit?

Yeah, because, well,

the AWS contracts with fucking like INS.

And I think that might be the issue.

Oh, the web services.

But also

their workers are going on strike because didn't they give $15?

What?

As a concession?

Yeah, I thought a couple months ago.

No, they're barely letting people go to the bathroom and shit.

But

yeah, I don't know.

I mean, it's like,

what are you going to do?

You're going to stop Amazon?

They fucking control the post office.

The only other person ever to win a war with the post office is me.

Yeah.

It's just you and Amazon.

It's only me and Amazon.

So So I guess you're the only one who can fucking defeat Amazon.

The only two powerful forces.

What are you going to do?

You know,

the post office started Paul Revere.

It goes all the way back to the founding fathers.

So when you beat the post office, it's like you're punching George Washington in the face.

Damn.

And you don't want to do that to fucking the Prez.

Yeah.

Motherfucking.

Here's what I'm doing.

Not only am I not buying from Amazon, I'm fucking returning shit.

Yeah.

And that's how you stick it to those motherfuckers.

You're returning things to Amazon that you didn't, you weren't going to use anyway.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do need to return something.

I'm super boycotting.

You just reminded me.

I'm super boycotting.

Returning shit.

I'm only using AliExpress.

I want all my money going to the Chinese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's how you're into it.

You want those factories.

That's an accelerationist,

right?

Guys who really understand

people's rights.

They really.

You want to talk about bathroom breaks.

God damn, imagine what the fucking what what that fucking factory looks like in the AliExpress just piss everybody looks like hell yeah there's just fire I'm jealous to be honest with you that's where you want to live yeah

in the

Alibaba express I want to live in a discovery zone

that would be cool you know what I mean take a rope swing down to the pizza

Play some fucking play some fucking ski ball and shit.

Did you guys ever have that fantasy of having like an adult tree house like when you're a grown-up?

Like,

okay,

just me?

I was scared of heights.

Oh, so I didn't.

I wanted to have like a luxury bachelor pad in a tree.

No, as a child, there's nothing I wanted more than like a fucking entire treehouse village.

Yeah.

I just wanted to live all the way to my friend's house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a network of trees.

Yeah, I just wanted, I wanted actually underground shit.

I wanted walkie-talkies and underground tunnels.

Tunnels and trees.

Yes, yes.

The bookcase that flips around.

You know what I mean?

You pull the book, Scooby-Doo shit style, you go down.

Take a slide.

That shit's so cool.

You take a slide down to the subterranean layer.

Hell yeah, dude.

Big, big-ass basement, huge shit.

Best friends with monkeys.

Yeah.

Or moles.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

You want a jungle situation.

That was my dream.

When I saw Swiss Family Robinson, I thought that was the coolest shit.

The King Louie scene in

Jungle Book, I was like, fuck, I would give anything to be King Louie.

Yeah.

I would love to just be a baritone jazz singing ape.

You're jacks up in front of women.

Yeah.

With a trans bear that's tricking me.

Yeah.

A transgendered bear that's tricking me to steal fire.

Oh, is that what Balou goes?

Was that why Balou tries to make a woman?

No, I think Baloo goes because

they have Mowgli.

And King Louie wants Mowgli because he wants Mowgli to teach him how fire works.

And then, like, Baloo has to go get Mowgli back from King Louis.

By sucking his cock, by putting on lipstick.

By pretending to be a monkey.

So he puts on the coconut mouth to look like an ape, but then also dresses like a woman for some reason.

He just throws the trans thing in there.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dude.

He throws that ash at you.

Well, he wants to be a hot lady monkey.

I want to walk like you.

I want to talk like you.

I want to chop my cock off like you.

All right, man, cub.

Now, show me how to make fire, or I'll fuck you and your ass.

Oh,

god damn it, dude.

I've been sick for like fucking five days.

I'm weak, dude.

I'm going to die from a minor ass respiratory thing.

You got a summer cold.

Oh, folks, I announced today that I will be at the lodge room in Highland Park, Los Angeles, California on the 30th or the 29th of August.

I posted links on Twitter and on Instagram.

And I'm going to be in San Diego the night before, but the link isn't live.

So

go see my man.

I will let you know when that's out, and I'm excited.

I'll get some buddies to open.

Some hot boy summer.

Suck at them off if you're out there.

It'll be fun.

Give them some head.

I'm looking forward to a nice trip out to Smel A.

Ooh.

It'll be great, man.

Go get some tight ramen in Lil Tokyo.

Man, that's the thing that is nice about LA is it's the fucking best guys.

Little Tokyo is tight in LA.

L.A.

has such good food.

And it has every...

Well, Queens also has such good food.

Queens really does.

Now that we have cars, we can go anytime we want.

We should go to Flushing.

I've been going to Elmhurst.

There's a fucking...

There's a fucking

Thai place in Elmhurst that I had the other night that was banging.

I would love to check that out.

We should all go there.

I love that shit, dude.

I love going to Flushing.

Queens has literally every type of ethnic group.

It's awesome.

And, like, it's all middle class, too.

I love, dude, I love living in Queens, honestly.

It's the, honestly, I kind of, I'm done with Brooklyn.

Come through, bro.

I'm done with it.

Come through.

King Louie was voiced by Louis Prima in the original 1967 film.

Initially, the filmmakers considered Louis Armstrong for the role, but to avoid the likely controversy that would result from casting a black person to voice an ape, they instead chose Prima, a white singer.

Christopher Walken voiced King Louis in the live action jump.

No, but that's hilarious.

Wow, that's very funny.

Yeah, the live, the one they just did.

Yeah, so it's a monkey.

It's like it looks like an actual monkey, and it's like, listen, do whatever you want.

I'm just saying, if you have fire,

give me a little taste.

No, I'm an ape.

I'm a fucking monkey.

No, I'm an ape of some kind.

Listen, I can't be precise, but I would say that I am some kind of ape.

If I had to guess, looking at my own visage, my physiognomy, and my reflection, it would appear that I have become some type of bastard ape.

Some type of big bastard ape.

So, in the reboot,

he's been transformed.

I've been transformed from the guy from true romance

into some kind of

punishment for being racist.

It's now I have to be a Mulan Yan character myself.

Fuck.

I'm going to die, dude.

I will not be in Cat.

I'll be in a different part of Cali, Oakland, Smokeland, on the fucking 24th.

Please buy tickets to that.

I'm also going to be in Rochester August 3rd coming up.

So please buy tickets to that motherfucker.

Then I'm going to be in Boston on the 16th and 17th.

Like I said, Oakland on the 24th.

And then Seattle on the 29th, and Portland on the 30th.

It's not going to be a hot boy summer for me.

So send all the pussy over to Adam, please.

Yeah, it's

hot guy summer.

Is that the mean?

Hot girl summer.

Hot girl.

What does that mean?

That you're just feeling yourself.

You know Meg the Stallion?

No.

She's so hot.

Oh, the rapper?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's so hot that I thought it was a porn star that became a rapper.

And then it's like, no, she's just a hot-ass lady.

She's good at rapping.

She's great at rapping.

Big fan.

Blapping.

I love blapping.

What's blapping?

I don't know.

I was just making myself laugh too hard the other day, though.

No, I can't do it.

Okay.

God damn.

That's an auto sensor.

You know that shit's bad, bro.

I want to get head from you.

Let me tell you, it was getting me good.

I want to suck dick like you.

Oh, yeah, and as always, you can go to

come.town.

I will be restocking shirts this week.

Right now, I only have things in small.

But

I will be restocking.

I got all those new shirts up.

And,

yeah,

they're not drop shipping anymore.

I'm like getting the shirts printed.

I look at them.

I make sure they're not shitty.

Nick's eyes touched them.

His hands touched them.

Yeah, dude.

This is a labor of fucking love.

You'll get a couple beard particles in that shit.

It's also, I'm trying to make this my day job.

Yep.

Nick's opening a t-shirt shop.

Because I do need a day job, but I want to remain self-employed.

I love it.

You're basically going to open up your own.

You're going to be a new Abercrombie.

You're going to open up your own Spencer's, dude.

I kind of want to do it.

It's funny because I'm so irony poisoned.

I have been making weed shirts.

Like hot topics.

Hot topic weed shirts, but like trying because I'm like, what's the worst?

I would wear the weed pranos one.

Yeah, I'm like, what's the very funny?

What's the worst shirt I could think of?

And that's so much funnier to me than like.

Of course, a good shirt.

A good shirt.

Like a pun that you draw.

Yeah, Weed Donalds made me laugh.

Weed Donald's

funny for like a day.

And then it's so funny because it's like,

I post it on Instagram and you get all these comments from people like, shouldn't the M be upside down?

It's like, don't unshut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up, you idiot.

You don't, yeah, please don't ever listen to the the show or interact with it.

Yeah, yeah, you really don't.

We don't

you really don't get what we're doing here.

Yeah, dude.

You should make a suck more dickus shirt.

Yeah,

I should make a suck more dickus shirt.

I would wear that.

I'll tell you that much.

Yeah, suck more dickus.

Suck more dickus.

Yep.

All right.

Well,

come see us at Funny Moms on Funny Moms on the 22nd.

Coming up right now, and come see me every Tuesday at the stand Fat Tuesdays.

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