Ep. 162 – Almost

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All right, where are we?

We're getting going here.

Cunt, cunt, pussy, pussy,

contalini,

ass cheeks,

good, good fucking butt cheeks.

Anyways.

Let me play this weird voicemail.

Oh,

we're running.

We're up and running.

Damn it.

Hi.

My name's Jones.

I don't know you.

I just know some things.

I just do.

Within a year's time, at least one of your unanswered prayers will be answered, and some of your forgotten dreams will be realized.

You may feel, sense, or even see at least once a bright white light.

It brings indescribable peace and joy.

You deserve it.

Till then, Monami, and to see in the deals is your temple.

Hmm.

So somebody has got a crush on you.

That sounds like good news.

I don't know.

Have you heard the good news?

To me, that sounds all like good stuff.

Oh, my God.

Damn, dude.

Yeah.

You're about to get...

You're about to get John Lennon, dude.

Yeah.

I just,

before you do it, just let me know what that part in Spanish was because it's driving me insane.

It's going to be like that guy.

And before you say, it was French, he starts off in French, switches to Spanish, and then goes back to French.

Yeah.

He's throwing you off the scent, dude.

Yeah.

What's the scent?

He's a master shit.

romance language.

He's a scratch and sniff my penis sticker.

Yeah, dude,

your dreams are.

Someone's going to kill you.

Yeah, probably.

Didn't the guy who killed Lennon have

a crush?

No, he had a copy of Catcher in the Rye.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, no, the guy that kills people that shot at Reagan was the one who had a crush on Jody.

Yeah, Hinkley had a crush on Jodie Foster.

But yes, I think the,

was it

Mark David Chapman, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

So this guy's going to have a copy of the fucking Don Simpson autobiography, dude.

Yeah, probably.

A well-worn copy of that one.

He's just going to.

Well, he killed Lenin for saying that the Beatles are bigger than Jesus.

That was Christian terrorism.

Interesting.

Well, we've never blasphemed God in any way, shape, or form.

Nostav's scared.

Huh?

Nostav's scared.

Nostav, I'm not scared.

It was trying to be.

It's fucking annoying that I'm the one that has to be murdered, even though I do probably 70% of the jokes on the show.

Yeah, well, that's true.

Well, that's why you're going to get murdered.

You put it out there.

Paul McCartney is better than John Lennon.

No, John Lennon was like the guy.

No, he's just a fucking weird guy that said weird things.

Paul McCartney is a better musician.

But at the time, who was the most popular?

That's true.

So there you go.

That's what you get for being good.

I'm not the most popular.

Yeah, you are.

Who's the most popular?

From the show.

From the show, you're the most popular.

No.

I'm just the.

Listen, man, you're going to die.

I'm the conductor.

You're the one that's going to die.

Stop tells me what to say.

He's actually.

I write all of Nick's jokes.

He's the one that's.

I'm just some stew.

No, nice try.

He's going to murder somebody.

Nice try.

For years, I've been establishing myself as a fat dumb war with a straight-and that will save.

Adam's definitely safe.

That we can agree on.

No one will forget that he was on the podcast.

Yeah.

Within hours of your death, people will forget that.

The second your death's announced, just Adam's Twitter followers just drop precipitously.

What's going on?

What's going on?

Yeah, I've been saying it's like, the dream is for me to kill a bunch of the fans.

You have to now.

That would be great.

Dave started it.

Such a reversal would be.

No one sees that coming.

No.

Imagine a Pantera concert.

It's 2003.

And then that guy is like, I'm going to kill Dimebag.

But he's walking to the stage.

and before he can, fucking Phil Anselmo pulls out a

AK-47 and just lights up the crowd.

He's like, what can I say?

I'm twisted.

I did.

I only made the show popular so I could gather a bunch of people like me in one place and kill all of them.

Kill them.

Like kind of a kid.

Because killing myself would be enough.

I need to kill 900 versions of myself.

Yeah.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

You don't cut off the head of the snake.

No, they'll just grow a new head.

They'll grow a new head.

You kill a body.

You kill the body.

And the head stays floating in a little tank the head is to be appreciated it's the coolest part of the snake

it does it is cool the tongue is cool the fourth tongue the rest of the snake is bullshit it's it is completely it's just it just squeezes things it's a little arm it's like one arms the shape of a pig that it happens to eat the thing i'm most excited for it is cool that you can see what it ate uh-huh

what do you want you to do i think it's gonna be cool when the guy that is cool that snakes do that it is i i fuck with that.

You're like, your snake wife comes home and you're like, she's like, where have you been?

And he's like, I just had a pig with Mike and Eric.

Yeah.

And they're like, well, we're, I can see that there's not a pig.

It's another snake's pussy that you can see in his stomach.

I wasn't eating Charlene the snake.

Where's the rest of your body?

I don't know.

It's around the corner.

Let me just.

I'm following it.

No, stay here with me.

Do snakes fuck?

How do they fuck?

Do they have cocks?

They like kind of twist around each other.

Damn.

I've never seen a snake's penis.

I've looked up snake sex before.

Do they have cocks and pussies?

Or do they lay eggs?

They lay eggs, the reptiles.

Yeah.

How do they fertilize the eggs?

They twist around each other, put their

do snake women just throw up little eggs and do snake guys fuck the eggs?

No, I think they shit the eggs out.

Do birds have like sex or do they just fertilize the eggs like fish?

Birds do have cocks, that's true.

Okay.

What does a snake's penis look like?

Now I'm this.

This is snake sex.

Okay, let's look.

Let's pull it up.

Hurry up, Adam.

But I don't know where the penis is.

Oh, okay.

Right, yeah.

So right here.

Okay.

I guess is the...

That's the sex part.

Oh, so it opens up from your scales.

You have a little cock.

Oh, you have cock armor.

Yeah, I guess.

That would be awesome.

I don't know.

Looks like bullshit.

No, it does.

That looks like bullshit to me.

No, man.

That would be cool to have a fucking, have armor protecting your cock.

And when you're horny, it's like

and your cock comes out.

Anyway, you're good.

You're, I think you're going to survive, man.

I think it's just an online internet thing to get people scared.

Like that with that with the voicemail?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, like a slender man kind of spoke.

I think it's slender man for adults.

Please don't bite my mouth.

That's pretty cool.

This should be a spooky voicemail podcast.

Ooh, yeah.

What's up, bros?

You're listening to the spooky voicemail podcast.

And we're playing this one from a Chinese company that says they're going to sue me if I don't give them my Social Security.

Wow, that's so spooky.

Yeah.

I keep getting people telling me the government

has to open my business or has to look at my

business.

I've never gotten a voicemail like that before.

Interesting.

That's the first time I've gotten like a.

Yeah, that one, you can't really tell if it's a pre-recorded voicemail or some guy.

I will say he's got a sweet voice.

Yeah.

He's got a really lulling me to sweet.

That's the kind of voice that, like, you know, they cast in a movie as a guy that kills people.

That is true.

For sure.

I will say that.

Yeah.

Because it sounds like he's trying to be loving, but he's a psycho.

Yeah.

And it's scary.

Well, the good news is now people that want attention know to just leave you a voicemail.

Oh, yeah, and you can get on the show really.

Damn.

How would you want to die if you were assassinated?

Oh, if I was assassinated?

I would want to do the assassinating if I wanted to die.

No, man, that's what Nick just said.

No, no, no.

But I would like kill

Mitch McConnell or something.

You want to go out

for the cause.

In a political act.

Interesting.

Not me.

I would kill Baron Trump.

For politics.

That's true.

Yeah.

I think I would want.

I think JFK did.

As far as assassinations go, that is pretty cool.

You shit get splattered everywhere.

Yeah, that did happen right away, though.

They shot him in the neck first.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and then he was like, something's wrong.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, he got shot in the back.

My friggin' neck hurt.

You see him, like, grab his neck.

Oh, that sucks.

No, I want to go out instantly.

Yeah, what's her name, like, consoles him?

Jackie?

Yeah, Yeah, and then it's like blows up.

And then you get that picture of Jackie's, like, crawling out of this car, covered in a little dumper.

She's got a fat ace.

Yeah.

That's what

I really thought about her.

Yeah.

You could see her pussy in her ass.

Everyone forgets that.

Just pure pussy.

Ladies and gentlemen, we need to talk about.

Everybody talks about frame 262 of the Zapruder film, but I would like to draw your attention to frames 134 through 138.

134, Jackie begins exiting the vehicle.

135, August of Wind blows her dress

up towards her withers.

136, the pussy and ass

vagina begin to be exposed.

137, fully exposed.

138, we can see into

the First Lady's vagina.

134, 135, 136.

Play it again for the jury.

Step back now.

135, 136, 135, 136.

I want you to look at this and do not forget your fallen king's wife's pussy.

Are you still.

Thank you.

That's very nice.

Does this have to do with the case?

Do not forget your fallen king.

Did somebody say that?

Yeah, it said fucking scene from JFK.

Yeah.

They call him a king.

Yeah.

Kevin Costner.

Kevin Costner's like, do not forget your fallen king.

That's fucking, that is fucking gay.

That movie is so long.

It's long.

It's a good movie, but like, you know, I mean, enough people have pointed out that it's like, it's just so funny.

Yeah.

It'd be like if you made like a masterpiece about how Israel did 9-11.

That would be a problem with that.

Yeah.

Just like a fucking...

A fair and balanced approach.

Just a great dramatic film about like even

the minimal amount like Donald Sutherland is in JFK is great.

Yeah, I'd love that movie.

You gotta see Donald Sutherland's ass cheeks in Animal House.

Stop beat off to his ass.

I didn't, but I did beat off to the goat.

And another reason that he should die.

No, I shouldn't.

First of all, I've never beat off to Donald Sutherland's jazz.

Stav's out here

masturbating Donald Sutherland's ass.

Don't try and get me killed because he's moved so far away from God.

No.

And is so unappreciative.

You know what?

Okay, I don't don't think that's a good idea.

Listen, Mr.

Jigsaw.

No, this is a jigsaw.

Stav is the fat.

By the way, if you're trying to hurt Nick, he does not care about me.

So hurting me will not do him any good.

I care about him deeply.

He doesn't care about me at all.

He only cares about himself.

That's not true.

The only way you can kill Nick and harm him is by harming him.

And as a result, it seems like my care for other people doesn't exist when really it's just muted because I.

He's trying not to die.

I'm not trying to die.

He's trying to slither out of this execution.

I'm not trying to die.

And you must kill him.

Well, in fact, I would honestly enjoy being placed into some sort of saw contraction.

I'm lying.

Because I'm an earnest fan of franchise movies.

Which is another thing about me that Stav doesn't appreciate.

I have seen all of the Fast and Furious movies.

I've seen all of the Saw movies.

And I enjoy all of them.

I enjoy a good plot like the rest of the guys.

Yes.

And if anyone is wondering why I was so quickly

shut up.

In fact.

Wow, see that?

Doesn't even care about his friend anymore.

I don't care about his story, yes.

That's not his story.

I care about my friends, but there's stories that he tells it himself.

That's not what caring about people is.

That is part of it.

No, you're just talking about etiquette.

I'm just saying.

Remember how you ate all of Adam's medicine on the road because you got hungry?

And there was nothing else.

But it was pink and it looked tasty.

He needed that.

It looked bubblegum for him.

So his penis wouldn't turn back into a vagina at midnight.

And you ate all of his medicine.

Yeah, but it was really tasty.

And my penis, I grew three extra inches of force.

What did I do?

I didn't need the medicine.

I just laughed at his vagina as a friend would.

Because you only care about the superficial.

Look, the point is, Joe.

Anyway.

I hope Joe doesn't kill you, even though you told me to shoot.

I want to be killed by a femme fatale.

What were you going to say, by the way?

I had a joke that I was going to say, but now I'm kind of on the spot.

It's moved over.

It's moved on.

It's moved on.

I was going to.

Nothing.

Let me say how I'd like to be killed while a woman fucks me.

Like a l a long a tall blonde Russian lady who's been wearing a a black wig

and is wearing red lipstick.

Yeah.

You know, like that style of execution.

Her lipstick.

Where she gives me pussy first.

Oh, that'd be cool.

I want yeah, I want to die in the yeeks, in the pussy cheeks.

Gets strangled between her thighs.

Yeah, that That would be awesome.

I've been lucky thus far that I've only had to deal with female schizophrenia.

Was that less violent?

Yeah, it's just like unstable women.

They think you're destroying their life.

They're like, I love you.

We can fix this.

Please stop sending people to my house.

I'm like,

I don't know what you're talking about.

If anyone's wondering why my book, My Friend Nick, came out a week after murder, just have them know that I didn't have it written before

that I had it.

Adam's book, Donald Trump Raped Me.

Adam on Anderson Cooper.

A lot of people think that when they think of rape, they think of the sexy stuff.

The fantasies.

They can't wait to have sexual fantasies about being raped in the dressing room at Macy's.

Okay, we're going to take a break.

That's enough, actually.

Actually, we've...

Ma'am, we've turned the cameras off for four hours now.

Yeah, sorry.

Keep talking about that.

We've already fired.

I'm not even an Anderson Dooper.

I'm a janitor with gray hair.

I'm a different guy.

Ma'am.

I will say, Anderson Cooper,

the gray hair is cute.

Oh, yeah.

Salt and pepper daddy.

His mom's hot, too.

Yeah, she's a fashion designer.

Yeah, she was hot.

I'd like to have sex with her while she's wearing.

Slamderson Cooper.

Slamderson.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah,

that guy's going to live forever.

He's one of those gays that's going to live till like 150.

Yep.

And his penis is going to work the entire time.

The whole time.

Yeah.

Good shape.

Sleeps in, you know, like the barbasol containers they keep combs in?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He sleeps in one of those.

No alcohol.

Yeah.

It's preserved.

But it's young boys.

Not boy, but fresh,

fresh cum.

Ectoplasm.

You know what it is?

It's stem cells.

How about rectoplasm?

Okay.

And it's come from a ghost's ass.

Yes.

So it's another ghost has fucked the ghost in the ass and came in it?

Or it does it come out of his ass, this style of ghost?

Yeah.

How about they go into like an old hotel and they're like, there's a ghost on floor six and they get up there and it's slimer, but he's just sucking off like a million guys.

And he's just

like there's just cum all over the place.

That sounds so bad.

Yeah.

And they're like, oh no, it's slimer.

I wouldn't even mind getting sucked off by slimer because it's not

it's just like almost using a sex toy i would say

well slimer would have consent you know yeah slimer would be consent sex toys don't consent so you're you think i really consider it rape

you consider it rape when you have when you beat off with the fleshlight yeah i consider it when i use my hand and dry jack my tick i want to

you know how ghost hunters are like if you can hear us flick the lights i'm gonna do that but with consent consent when I get my dick sucked by a ghost.

That would honestly, getting sucked off by Slimer would be cool.

His mouth probably feels good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

I wonder how tight it would feel.

Now, could you just fuck the back of Slimer's head?

I smoked a little bit of weed the other night and it felt great.

Oh, yeah.

Let me get back into doing weed.

Now we're talking.

It's time to smick whole.

Someone sent me a link to the Frank Frasetta Museum.

It's only two hours from here.

Should we go?

We should.

That's the the guy that does all those sweet-ass dragons and big titty ladies.

Yeah, yeah.

Fantasy art.

Oh, where's it in Upstate?

Yeah.

I don't know.

It's two hours west of here, the guy said.

West.

But yeah, I love.

Pennsylvania.

I love Frank Frisetta.

That shit's awesome.

I wish I was good enough.

You're a good drawing.

No, but I mean, I've never had that, like, I mean...

like that that level of some people are just artists yeah you know my dad's like that my dad can just sit down and draw and paint or whatever.

Yeah.

And

yeah, I always like, because I would love to have been that rather than like

someone that calls things gay.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, you could do that with your art.

Yeah, but not, trust me, it's not.

It's not the same.

It like I did, I remember

like I got into like digital painting a couple years ago and I started recreating

like a cover of uh one of the man of war albums.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, and I just painted that for like

days.

And it felt great, but it's like, s it's so much work for me.

Yeah.

You know.

I think it's worth it.

Yeah.

Just become a painter, dude.

Yeah.

Do nudes.

No, I mean, it it is like, I don't know, drawing and painting and sitting around doing like visual art.

It's like, it does click over after like maybe an hour or two where you're.

I mean,

I don't know the mechanics of like how your like consciousness works, but you click over into a different kind of attention.

There's more.

You open up your third eye, brother.

Well,

it's more that there's more.

It's like there's a direct connection between what you're visualizing and how your hand's moving.

And the more time you spend doing it, the more

it becomes like you're just sort of thinking about what you want to see.

Yeah.

That's fucking tight.

Yeah.

I can never.

Whatever's in my head, it's very hard to get it out.

It's interesting because it's kind kind of like the opposite of writing.

So, you know, we spend a bunch of time like drawing or whatever, and I get into that zone, and then I try to go back to writing, and I'm like,

the boy went to the doghouse.

Like, no ability to write at all.

I have no other talents whatsoever in life.

What do you mean, other talents?

Yeah, I guess arguably stand-up.

I'm not saying podcasting.

Certainly not.

What talents do you think you have?

I could do do stand-up, but absolutely nothing else.

And, you know, I can suck a pussy.

I'm like, okay, nobody's business.

I'm okay at like three things, and then just like.

Sex with men, kissing men.

Dog shit at everything else.

Yeah.

Like the entry level of like, this is how you do it if you're a beginner.

It's like, oh, the piano's on fire.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know how.

I tried to take guitar lessons.

I couldn't do that.

Uh-uh.

What songs did you get down?

I did the beginning of the godfather, the.

It was like fucking sweet.

It's also such a cool song to play on the guitar.

Imagine a bunch of people at like a campfire and stops like, check this.

He's just trying to get some pussy plucking the theme to the Godfather.

We were like, wow, great.

And then I also learned how to just play the doo-doo-doo-doo doo doo to the beginning of sweet child of mine.

Okay.

So really just repetitive, like pretty easy to do stuff.

And I would just play that kind of shit for hours.

And I'd be like, I'm practicing.

I'm pretty fucking tight.

Remember learning Blackbird first?

No.

I feel like that's the first finger-picking song I ever learned.

No, fuck Blackbird.

Why?

How's that go?

Adam sucking on a gang, guys, dick.

No, but like on guitar, not the.

I don't want to sing it anymore.

Wow, wow.

Because my voice, myself, man.

believe in yourself i can only hear the lyrics i don't know adam sucking on my hard ass dick i don't remember the rest of it though

whatever

was john adams good

yeah he could be president no i mean the hbo show oh with giamatti yeah i don't know i never went i just want to be president

yeah let me be president i'll suck your dick

Yeah, how do you look at Paul Giamatti in a fucking wig and go, oh, that's not Paul Giamatti?

He's just too.

It'd be like having Gary Busey in a period piece.

It's like, it's fucking Gary Busey.

I know.

Yeah, it's just me.

George Washington.

Donald Trump raped me.

And when you get raped, it's sexy.

I don't feel like a victim.

I feel like a sexy piece of ass.

But he was fantasizing about, and it hurt, but at the same time, it was sexual.

This wasn't sexual.

It was sexy, but not sexual.

All right, we'll be back with Gary Busey.

I'm promoting

George Washington on Showtime.

Am I allowed to take my shoes off in here?

I got my dogs are barking.

I walked up two flights of stairs to get to the studio.

We're on the ground floor.

There's no stairs.

There's no stairs.

Mr.

Busey.

There's no stairs, Mr.

Busey.

Yeah, it was by the dressing rooms here.

I think you raped me in the dressing room.

On the stairs.

On this, you raped me in the stairwell next to the dressing room.

Gary, I didn't rape you.

Anderson Cooper lies about rape.

Anderson Cooper calls rape victim a liar.

Wow.

He's like, Look, Gary Boostie said I raped him outside of my show.

It didn't happen.

Liar, Anderson Cooper, lies about cancel him.

Get him canceled now.

How dare you deny raping somebody?

What media company is accusing him of lying?

Refinery 29.

Eight times, Anderson Cooper lied about raping Gary Husing.

Sometimes, like, a company that sounds like it was named by a Chinese person just takes off.

That really sounds like a Chinese company that makes cell phone cases.

Uh-huh.

Refinery 29.

Oh, yeah.

They do cases in asbestos lining.

What is it?

It's a girl website?

Yeah, it's a girl website.

It's a baby girl website.

They got pictures of my cock and shit for girls to get

mommies.

For sweet mommy girls.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

They would do like viral vids.

They would do BuzzFeed style shit.

Gyro videos.

Gyro videos.

I cannot wait to make a gyro video.

Is that just gay pornography?

Sure.

Well, we're celebrating the 4th of July.

God bless America.

Yeah, God bless.

There's going to be a big old Donald Trump's having a parade tomorrow.

Oh, hey, dude.

That's pretty awesome.

That's what I call him.

I can't wait till he has a jacket with like 400 medals on it and shit like that.

Like a general easy

thing.

You know he will.

You know,

when he gets a second term.

He just starts dressing like Michael Jackson.

Yes, he's going to recreate Michael Jackson's wardrobe and put it on.

Donald ass.

That's what we call him.

Have you seen those Photoshops where it's like he's bald and has a beard?

And people are like, he's got to do this.

People want him to be hot, dude.

People want him to shave his head and get a beard and just look like a fucking white supremacist.

Can he grow facial hair?

Probably not.

Probably whatever dick pills he's on stops

hair growing.

I don't know about that, man.

I take dick pills and I grew a beard.

Yeah, you got a bushy.

I think he's in some kind of, he's got special kinds of dick pills.

I'm glad I grew the beard out again.

Yeah.

Might let this bad boy go for six months.

I love it.

I haven't had a big beard in a while.

ZZ top.

Mm-hmm.

ZZ get top.

It's been like five years since I grew out a beard.

Yeah, I have pathetic facial hair.

The Lord really has not blessed me with any physical goal.

I'm like just there.

I have like just enough coverage that I can grow a beard.

No, you got a good beard, brother.

Yeah, no, it looks cool.

A thicket of hair.

On this side.

This side, no, it doesn't connect.

Let me see.

It's like this side.

Yeah, it's not that.

But whatever.

You're good.

I can't grow fucking shit.

Why did the Lord fucking

stick me in this fucking shit body dude i went to some like i went to that chelsea market and there was some like beard supply thing and those guys fucking hawks

oh like oils and

stuff what's up bro come here why don't we take care of your beard i was like what i thought it was like a hat store at first yeah yeah yeah i was like what yeah he must put oils in your face special combs and

and elixirs

i think you should grow the beard but you should also like get like a fresh like box out tape up and then comb your hair so you get waves.

I see.

I think we should tape your box up.

Yeah, so tape up stops leaking.

It smells really bad.

It smells bad from all the way.

I can smell your pussy from the old cum you keep it up.

That 1970s.

You're storing some vintage splooge

in your pussy hole.

From a couple of guys named Slick Willie came through and left old 1970s cum.

Yeah.

A guy named Ernie and then his friend Slick Willie fucked your pussy.

A guy named Slick Willie rolled through your hotel hotel room and bit your lip and left some old 1970s cum in you.

Damn.

It's wild that people just have had, have been shooting fat loads since caveman times.

You think cum has evolved?

Yeah, I think for a fact we bust more.

We bust more.

Yeah.

We shoot thicker.

We blast more rope.

No.

You think we blast more rope than our caveman predecessors?

Yeah, to blast more rope.

Horse cum looks like male cum, pretty much like cum, I remember from jackass.

It's like white, frothy.

Yeah.

What's the first animal to bust rope, dude?

What do you mean, they all do?

No, but I mean, evolutionarily, when did cum start?

Starfish didn't come.

Fish didn't really come.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

Where on the continuum did dinosaurs, do they have cum?

When we left the seas,

people left the ocean so they could start blasting.

So they could start, because they got tired of blasting in the water and not being able to admire it.

Yeah, they wanted to see it on land.

That's why the first fish crawled to land.

That's why they crawled to land.

So they could give other fish girl.

So they get fish girls facials.

Yeah, they could see finally how much they were actually blasting.

That's awesome.

They can measure it in beakers and stuff.

That's why we invented beakers.

Absolutely.

These are interesting.

I always used to love the evolution part of fucking school.

Shit was cool.

I liked looking at little fucked up horses.

I didn't like it at all.

They were halfway between a horse and like a giraffe and shit.

I didn't come from no monkey.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Intelligent Dick Sign.

No.

We've been around for 5,000 years.

I like that.

I buy that.

You think so?

Evolution is fake.

You think so?

Yeah.

Nah, it's real, dude.

You're going to believe Charles Darwin?

Yeah.

That guy fucked kids.

Did he?

I don't know.

I think you're thinking of Walt Whitman, but they're very.

Walt Whitman definitely fucked kids.

And not only fucked them, he like cuddled

young boys and sucked their little dicks and shit.

You know a poet was having like very intimate, was very intimately molesting

boys.

He was taking them out to their cat, his cabin and shit.

He's the one that did the thing about being in the woods, right?

No, that was Thoreau.

Ah, yes.

That's just.

You're thinking of Walden.

I am thinking of Walden.

Well, don't name it so close to Walt.

Henry David

with your two dumbass first names.

Hank Thoreau.

That's what I call his ass.

He just went to the forest to bust.

To bust also?

That's what that all, you know, that's what was that shit called?

To the woods or some shit?

What?

He would look like that when he was having sex with boys.

Walt Whitman?

Yeah, it would feel like a wizard was sucking you off.

Yeah.

If he wore a little hat, I bet it didn't even feel like getting molested.

Yeah.

I felt like you were in a shit.

Keep this a secret, Frodo.

This ring protects me and you from the truth.

The cockering?

He just slides a cock ring on.

As long as you have this ring on, you'll be invisible to people's criticisms of our romance.

I guess if you had to be molested by a guy, it would be a guy who looks like a wizard.

Whitman demonstrates part of his Americanness by placing cocksucking at the center of leaves of grass.

Nice.

Gay liberationist Charles Shivly, not one to mince words, wrote this in

Calamu Lovers, Walt Whitman's Working Class Camarados, his revelatory, if sometimes risable, account.

Damn, there are some big-ass words in this big book

that I was not expecting.

Revelatory.

It started off with cocksucking, and now it's challenging my mental faculties.

Reveal this dick, bitch.

Account of the poet's queer egalitarianism.

Whether cocksucking is central to Whitman's book or even uniquely American is debatable.

It's uniquely American.

Yeah, more pertinent is the implied connection between Whitman's homosexuality and his patriotic fervor.

Interesting.

So he thinks he's

a gay patriot.

He's interesting.

Is you know the Uncle Sam picture, the like we want

for the Army.

That was just copied from a British propaganda poster in World War I with

Field Marshal Kitchener, who was

a pedophile.

Well,

he developed developed a taste for buggering in the desert.

Hell yeah.

Ooh, the desert.

Yeah.

He's having dry gay sex.

Yeah, yeah.

He was a British army officer that was like sort of a sort of, he was like their Pershing, basically.

Interesting.

You know, like their big-time general hero.

Well, they had like a big culture in their army of like

Orientalists of

people that would put on like Muslim clothes and get fucked in the ass.

Get fucked in the ass.

Here's the thing, though.

Okay, if you're gonna go like T.E.

Lawrence.

If you're being gay on a boat where it's humid, it's wet, fine.

This motherfucker's in the desert, and he's taking his little canteen out.

He's unscrewing his canteen and pouring water on his cockado.

Yeah, everybody's got cat penis in the desert.

Everybody's got a dry, rough penis.

You're using fucking...

It's too hot to be gay.

Absolutely.

Absolutely, it's too hot to be gay.

It's too hot.

Too hot.

Back then, now we have lubes and all kinds of technology.

Too hot to be gay.

Too hot to be gay.

Air conditioning has made it possible to live in hot climates.

It's also made it possible to be gay in those climates.

Yeah, just imagine this guy going out to the desert to have gay sex.

Just have gay sex in it.

He is hot.

First oral kitchener.

Now, did those guys suck each other's cocks, or was it strictly a fuck you in the ass dude?

Bud fucking each other.

Each other?

Did they switch it up?

Bud fucking each other intense.

Damn, dude.

It's so funny how there's like zero difference between the British and the Nazi Germany.

What?

I mean, looking at that guy, it's like

these are just fucking imperialist goons.

Yeah, for sure.

All the same bad genes.

Yeah, but you know, you know who the Germans decided to mess with, and all of a sudden it's a problem.

Russia.

Yeah, Russia.

Yeah, Russia.

For sure.

I mean, they were messing with the Jews almost the entire time.

The rest of the world was like, good.

Finally, somebody said something.

Listen, you do a genocide on Jews, that's one thing.

Yeah.

The only reason the rest of the world didn't do a Holocaust,

the Holocaust was sort of like Bitcoin back then.

Germany was having a Holocaust.

They're like, it's too late to get in now.

In two years' time, this isn't going to be popular anymore.

We already missed the boat.

We missed the boat.

Hey, listen.

You come back in the time machine two years ago.

You tell me about this?

Yeah, I'm setting.

Of course I'm in.

I'm in.

What am I gonna fucking by the time I set up my camps it's over I feel like anti-Semitism is incredibly old I feel like they got in they got in less but but no one had to it the best no one had that German engine the Jews were smart enough to never have a parade so

never all in one place they can they can pretend like it still exists

what still exists there's no like like Jew pride festivals or anything there is in New York City the Israel it doesn't exist that does not happen.

Yeah, they do have.

When is it?

They had it a couple weeks ago.

I've never heard of that.

If you just don't plan a parade, you can perpetually be like, we don't even have a parade.

Yeah.

Right.

Whereas the rest of them are like

our own parade, and they realize that the parade is meaningless.

4D chess.

Yeah.

Another

beaut beautiful move by

the Jews.

Great strategy.

What are you doing, Adam?

I'm playing with these magnets that I found.

Yeah.

Oh, Nick's cock magnets.

Those are my cock magnets, dude.

What?

They hold my dick onto my body.

That's nasty, bro.

You're always doing nasty-ass shit.

Hold on.

I'm shady.

Shady.

Why are you being shady?

What do you think of this?

Your dick not being able to get hard.

You put a magnet inside a girl's pussy.

Uh-huh.

And you put a little mag the other side of the magnet on your soft dick.

Yeah, just hang on a second.

I got to put a magnet in your pussy.

And then your dick is dragged into the pussy.

It's attractive.

So it goes in that way.

It's still soft, though.

But it's in.

The hard part of getting a soft dick in a pussy is that it won't go in.

You have to put magnets all around your dick, too.

And multiple magnets in the pussy.

So it'll sort of like

expand your dick.

How about phagnets?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Looks out about.

And

this time opposites don't attract.

Okay.

Oh, so it's like a plus and a plus and a minus and a minus.

Cool.

That's cool.

I like that.

Magnets are cool.

I always used to like that fucking around in like science class with magnets for batteries and shit.

And putting your finger in between the two magnets.

That was the best part about

school class

going class.

What about school?

What about all you use them for trains?

Magnets?

Maglev trains?

Yeah.

That is sick.

Didn't you also enjoy when you fought all the special ed kids at lunch?

I did enjoy that.

I thought that you saw it more as like a duty kind of thing.

It was.

An officer and a gentleman.

I'm an officer and a gentleman, and I will fight these retarded kids for the court and the crown.

For the crown.

I fight retards for the courts and the crown.

For her majesty.

And I lose to them for the church.

On her majesty's special orders.

I will battle these retards for the crown,

be just to them in victory for the courts, and lose to them for the church.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but your son's been pretending to be a British officer whose duty it is to fight the mentally retarded students.

And the problem is, he understands that he shouldn't be violent, but he loves the character so much he can't stop doing it.

So we need to, we're going to have to put him in an alternative program that's just for people who like improv.

Damn.

Look at this statue.

That's a cool statue.

I know.

Making this guy all buff and then making him sit gay.

That's interesting.

Equestrian statue of Frederick Roberts.

Go ahead and look that one up, folks.

Oh, yeah.

That's a fun one to take a look at at home.

If you're following along at home, currently we're looking at the equestrian statue of something.

Yeah, follow along.

This is a video podcast.

This is a video podcast.

Check out the feed on www.mrpussy.org.

Mr.

Pussy.org.

Why didn't they call Mr.

Skin that?

Mr.

Pussy.

Mr.

Pussy.

Yeah, it's a lot more tedious.

Mr.

Pussyandvagina.com.

Damn.

Mr.

Skin's still going strong, which I respect.

Yeah, it's a service that people pay for.

I can't believe it.

Which is insane.

In this day and age,

it's a very good job.

I guess it's kind of like a travel agent.

But how many people pay for it?

I think they probably have a good number of subscribers.

Insane.

It's crazy.

I feel like all that information could easily be free.

It'd be like if this podcast is going on in 10 years.

Right.

And people are still paying for it.

They're like, you can just get a chip in your brain that simulates the podcast.

It's true.

Dude, that would be awesome.

Yeah.

We could invent that and then never do the podcast and sell the chips.

Uh-huh.

I did that Matt and Shane live podcast at the stand the other night.

Oh, nice.

It's a lot of fun, yeah.

Those guys are funny, dude.

Yeah, they're funny as shit.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know Matt.

I don't know Matt, yeah.

Matt's funny.

But Shane, Shane, a fellow alumnus of the Magoobi's Joke House New Comedian of the Year.

Oh, he won Magoobi's new comedy of the year.

Me, Shane, Shane, Donny Sangstack.

Woo!

It's a nice lineup, brother.

Damn, that's a murderer's row.

Murderer's Row.

And somebody else that I can't remember.

If we find out Donnie's faking it, that'd be awesome.

That'd be so cool.

I would love that.

That would be fucking so cool.

Our friend Donnie Sangstack.

I would respect that.

It would be great, too, to find out that

it was like Josh

Blue is pulling Steve Ranizi.

What does he have?

Cerebral palsy?

Yeah.

Yeah, my man is palsy.

He's just like 15 years in, he goes on Rogue and he's like, I told one guy I'm feeling retarded, and he believed me.

And I kind of just went from there.

You booked me to play this retarded benefit.

It was $4,000.

Before I knew it, everyone in the scene thought I was retarded.

And it blew up, you know?

And I don't know.

It's like, at what point do you take a step back and say, hey, everybody, I was just pretending to be retarded.

Like the guy in There's Something About Mary.

He was just pretending to be retarded.

I thought the guy was pretending to be British.

And crippled, though, right?

He's pretending to be crippled.

Yeah, true, true.

He's like, Mary, I love you.

Whatever.

He's such a funny character.

Just pretending to be handicapped to fuck someone.

I respect it, dude.

You remember that Mad TV sketch where it's like Will Sasso and fucking Bobby Lee?

Yes, pretending to be gay.

Pretending to be gay, and Will Sasso is clearly just a gay guy.

Drinking, raping Bobby Lee.

Raping Bobby Lee for years.

He's like, I don't know, man.

We've been pretending to be gay for two weeks.

I don't think it's working.

And he's like, you have to stick to the plan.

It keeps building.

And it's like five years later.

And he's like, so I picked us up some matching roads.

Yeah.

He's like, why are we having gay sex?

Truly the best show ever on Twitter.

That sketch is burned into my mind.

I love that sketch.

Yeah.

No, that one's great.

There's one, I can't find it, and I can't remember what it was, but the setup is like it's like a hotel concierge or something,

and fucking the tall guy, not Michael McDonald, but the other guy with the weird face.

Remember him?

Oh, yeah.

That's an early one.

Yeah.

He played that guy with the eyes coming out, popping out.

The Java Man.

The Java Man.

Yeah, he played Java Man, and he would play

anytime there, like he had a strong salesman voice.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't remember that fucking actor's name.

Me neither.

But it was him and somebody else, maybe Nicole Sullivan behind the desk.

Oh, yeah.

And

shouts out to Nicole Sullivan also getting her bag on King of Queens after that.

You know what?

And I remember as a kid, I would have fucked every woman on that show.

100%.

Yeah.

Oh, dude.

Yeah.

The seed I've spilled to Leah Remini.

Yeah.

Maron.

I think I even had a fantasy of, because she was a dog, not Leah Remini, Nicole, whatever the fuck, was a dog walker in the show.

I think I had a fantasy of her walking

at your house.

And she's like, oh, these dogs are so hungry.

And you're like, I got plenty of food in here.

Mm-hmm.

They can have some of my snacks while I snack on your pussy.

Yeah.

I traded Gushers for sex.

Yeah.

No, she's perfect.

Funny, loud, dumb, Irish bitch.

Probably mentally ill.

Interesting eyes, weird eyes.

Yeah, weird eyes.

You're cool to fuck.

No, no.

Nicole Salt.

She's a Scientologist, right?

She was.

Leah Romini.

Yeah.

Oh, boy, I would love to see her.

It's like a hotel concierge, and Will Sasso is like a businessman or something.

And he walks up to the counter and they tell him to leave, And he's just walking backwards, but he'll keep like taking a step forward, you know?

And it was when he was way fat.

And then it goes to where the shots are that, like, just his stomach is coming in and out of the frame.

And they're like, no, leave.

And then you just see his stomach on and off the screen.

And it fucking like,

I don't remember that.

Man, I wish I could remember what the fuck it was.

It was like, that show used to bring me so much joy.

And now nothing does.

Yeah.

I have to like have these gay moments.

I have to make them on my own.

Yeah.

Like calling you a cheese faggot.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

It was so weird that you made it cheese, by the way.

Yeah, Adam ate this cheese.

We were in Toronto.

We were in Toronto and there was cheese left over.

There was baby bell cheese.

We stopped pretending to eat it because

Adam actually wanted to.

Yeah, and he ate it.

How are you going to remember another man's

food?

Because he's the cheese faggot.

We're memorizing food now.

Because he's the cheese.

Dude, chill out.

Stop trying to wriggle out of this.

Stop trying to get out of being the cheese faggot.

You know that's who you are.

I just think it's weird to memorize another man's.

Yeah, I bet you think it is, dude.

I bet you do.

I bet you think stuff like that is weird.

I think it's shady.

That's something.

This is an argument I made when I accused you of memorizing my bedroom for putting up a Mark Walbert.

Oh, yeah.

You did funny.

You did memorize it, Adam.

You did.

You memorized my bedroom, which makes you gay or bad.

Pause for just having a cool poster.

Yeah, pause.

In my room.

You memorize where the posters of the hotel are.

In my room, it says no trespassing on the door by the hook.

Yeah.

No girls alive.

Anyone entering here is dead.

Yeah.

He has a skull and cross bones.

Yeah.

My cool Sid from Toy Story Bedroom

I have as a 30-year-old.

No one comes in here.

It's just different posters of Mark Wahlberg's shirt.

Shaking the hell out.

I just write Metallica on Mark Wahlberg's stomach.

Like, it's a Metallica poster.

So,

well, I'm gay because I like Metallica.

Gay porn and you just write Megadeth, Metallica, Poppy.

Oh, I love Metal, so I'm gay.

I'm the gay now because I like fucking Fate's Warning.

Yeah.

That is true, though.

Nick does have posters of Mark Wahlberg.

I have a poster of Mark Wahlberg.

He's got three.

I have one.

The Funky Bunch.

He's got the Calvin Klein.

The Calvin Klein ad.

He's just grabbing his dick.

Yes.

Yes, but it says Metallica.

But it says Metallica.

So it's not gay.

I might make those.

You might sell those.

That's very funny.

Mark Wahlberg grabbing his dick, but it says Metallica.

Yes, dude.

Damn.

That's how we go back in time and get a bag.

Yeah, it's not.

You sell closeted homosexuals in the 80s and the hair metal face.

Gay pornography that has different band names on it.

Excuse me.

It's a Judas Freeze poster.

It's a fireman, like with a buff fireman with giant nipples sticking his ass out.

It just says Judas Freeze.

He's got wings.

He's got like eagle wings.

Yeah, just

demons having gay sex.

It's like, no, the devil.

Being gay is evil.

I'm metal, dude.

Yeah, it's a sin.

It's a sin.

So it's actually metal.

Shit, if Rob Howford was here right now, I'd probably jump his bones.

I'd jump his banes.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, I got the fucking hiccups.

I got the dick ups.

What have you got the dick ups, and every time you hiccuped, your dick got hard?

The D-cuffs.

What do you think of that?

That happens to me.

Your dick gets hard.

What if you had the D-cups and it was you right now with D-cup breasts?

I don't have D-cup breasts.

This is an A-cup.

You have D-cup breasts.

Also, doesn't it go by your ribs or something?

That's the number, I think.

My ribs are large, but my titties are small.

The cup size is determined by the discrepancy between

54A.

The cup size is determined by the discrepancy between

the measurement underneath your breasts and then around the nipple.

Ooh, around the nipple, huh?

Yeah.

So if you measure, if you measure, like, just underneath and then you measure around.

I've put women in bras before.

Nice.

I used to hang out in Target to do it for free.

We're like, man, if you don't mind,

I could help you with this.

My name's Sinclair

Velvet.

And I am a gay man.

I'm a homosexual.

I'm a gay man hired by Target to

help women.

You look like your bra is too small, actually.

Come into the dressing room with me.

It's okay.

I'm trans.

I'm gay and I'm trans.

Come in, and I will...

I'm going to...

But if you're gay and trans, that means you like

women.

No, I don't have a tape measure.

I mostly do it by touch.

I'm a savant.

Yeah.

I must do it by touch.

Hold on.

Well, we need to get your nipples hard to see and get it accurate to see.

Let me just suck on these real quick.

How's that feel?

Well, if, ma'am, to be fair, if I play with your clit a little bit, it will make your nipples work.

Ma'am, I'm a professional.

Okay.

I guess you want to wear fucked-up bras then.

Yeah.

Oh, get the fuck out of the room.

Get out of here.

I'm going to think about guys' bodies to calm down.

You got a problem?

You go up and you tell them fucking Sinclair Velvet sent you.

You're immediately arrested.

done once and immediately in prison.

The mug shot, just makeup smeared in tears, hair all fucked up.

Remember that picture of that trans person that was molesting a kid in the Target dressing?

Oh, no.

No, I don't.

Oh, dude,

the mug shot was amazing.

That's brutal.

Molesting a child in Target is nothing sacred.

I'm trying to get deals.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm trying to be at the nicest.

Well, it was so funny because it was one of those things where Target was letting

Target was letting,

they were like, anyone can use whatever dressing room they want, and like fucking people on the left and liberals who are like, what do you, like, it's literally never happened.

Nothing.

And then, like, a week later, it was a transit for like staring at like some child.

What?

Yeah.

That feels like it was a that trans

woman was a plant, a conservative plant yeah a false flag false flag dude we why can't we have false flags well maybe i'm conflating oh yeah maybe you're making something up yeah no no here we go transgender woman convicted of raping 10-year-old girl oh that seems too on the notes but the picture is so funny well hold on it's the christian broadcasting network that i mean this is a mugshot creer according to the billings gazette i mean obviously it didn't get major coverage in montana yeah

trial against her castle resident charged with sexually assaulting 10-year-old girls.

Jesus Christ.

Miguel Martinez, phasing one counter first degree.

The target one was a different person.

That mugshot's not as funny.

Gotcha.

Same situation.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Wow, that's a tough one.

Yeah.

Well, it's bound to happen.

That's the thing.

It's like, you know, anybody that says, like, oh, what do you think is going to happen?

It's like, well, that'll probably happen once or twice.

Like, that's.

Yeah, just statistically speaking.

Yeah, it's like if someone's like, well, they're going to pretend to be trans so they can go rape a child.

And it's like, who would do that?

And it's like, someone that's really stupid.

Someone that's like going to pretend to be trans person.

Dumb rapist.

Yeah, I know.

Thinking that's a cover.

Right.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

Yeah.

It's like you're a thief and we're like, why don't we just keep all the money on a table at the front of the bank?

They're like, oh, well, people are going to walk in and take it.

It's like, who's going to do that?

Are you going to do it?

I'm not going to do it.

Most people aren't going to do it.

Well, you think trans people are just going to go into the bank and take that money?

And it's like, maybe one of them.

maybe one trans person will do that.

But we should say, I'm just saying, you can't trust trans people.

I see.

That's what you're

saying.

Your point is,

don't touch it.

That's why we need vaults in banks, is to prevent trans people.

So you think trans people being able to use a dressing room is not a bad thing.

So I'm not making any point.

I just thought this mug shot was tough.

Yeah, that is tough.

That's a weird one.

Just the makeup all smeary.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

That's not good.

I'm against rape.

But what do I say?

I watched this Kevin Sorbo short film on YouTube.

Was it Christian?

Where he goes to war with his school because his son's not allowed to

misgender somebody or whatever.

And it's supposed to be funny.

And it's just this gay fantasy about him coming into the PTA meeting.

And he'd be like, you know, you people ruined what free speech means.

And everyone's like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my.

All of Kevin Sorbo's movies for the last 10 years have been like that.

Yeah.

Where it's like he's the Christian savior of shit.

They're so fundamentally.

Xena was a better show than Hercules.

Yeah.

And that probably fucked him up.

Oh, you think that made him be against women?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's why he went.

That's why he uses Christianity to attack.

Xena had a better costume, too.

Yeah.

I dressed as a Kevin Sorbo Hercules for Halloween when I was seven.

It's funny, too, as you look at him.

I remember as a kid thinking, like, damn, that guy's like jacked, and he looks like shit.

Yeah, I saw a pic, too.

Yeah, he's not, he's just a regular ass guy, yeah.

But he got pussy on that show, I will say, yeah, he was on TV, much more than the mythical Hercules.

Mythical Hercules didn't really fuck that much, really.

The gods killed his wife, and he was mad,

so he was mostly

in revenge mode.

He was in sicko mode, Hercules, most of the time, okay.

But I don't think he got that much pussy.

I used to love mythology when I was a child.

Yeah, he really looks like you know, your mom's dumb.

He really

looks trans.

Like, imagine this bitch at like a farmer's market.

Oh, yeah.

Being like, ooh, you've heard of

crystals.

Selling crystals that you put in your pussy while you have a bunch of people.

Every time he speaks, you hear his bracelets jingling.

Yeah, like those kind of Midwest moms that look like they're.

That doesn't look much different than the mug shot you just showed us.

Yeah.

That's the same.

If you Google Image, just dropped it in, you would get the same result.

Kevin Sorhole.

From getting fucked too much.

Yeah.

Now, what's her name?

Gabriella on Zena?

Yeah, the sidekick.

And there was like a lesbian subplot.

There was definitely tension.

There was tension.

But Xena.

There was one episode where they kissed, I thought.

Zena smashed Pussy too.

She's a bi-ikon.

Damn.

Strong woman.

Lucy Lawless.

You see her titties in a different thing later on when she's blonde.

Kevin Sorbo.

Hercules is Kevin Kevin Sorbo calls Ferguson Riots African Americans animals.

God damn it.

Damn, bro.

Wow.

Ferguson Riots have very little to do with the shooting of the young man.

It's an excuse to be the losers these animals truly are.

So true, Sorbs.

Yeah.

Oh, it gets better.

It's a tipping point, the frustration built up over the years of not trying, but blaming everyone else.

Oh, my God.

The man for their failures.

Holy shit, Sorbo's really like.

It's like, even if these are your opinions, you have to know this won't go well.

You have to know that.

But in his corner, why not?

He's making those weird Christian movies.

He's probably getting paid good.

He's doing like appearances.

He's like the cool.

It's like the way like...

Who was that guy, Baked Alaska?

Just like all these fucking losers just become celebrities because they're the conservative, cool guy.

If you're not talented, just do that.

Kevin Sorbo, that's his corner.

Being racist and like...

Yeah, no one would think about Scott Bayo unless you

being MAGA made him relevant.

100%.

Who was his sidekick?

What was that guy's name?

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that guy.

Laertes.

Billy?

Was it Laertes?

I don't know.

That name sounds familiar.

I think it's from Shakespeare.

Laertes.

Hmm.

Aeolus.

Aiolis?

Yeah.

Like Daedalus.

Remember that?

Yeah, I do.

He was like a nerd.

Yeah.

And it's weird.

I remembered so much of that show, and I didn't remember that character was name.

I just knew it was the same setup as Xena.

I just remember how they used to shake hands by grabbing the other guy's arm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they tickle the other guy's arm to let them know that they're trying to fuck.

In Greek mythology, Laertes was an argonaut and participated in the hunt for the Caledonian boar.

His title was King of the Cephalonians.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

An ethnic group who who lived both on the Ionian islands and on the mainland.

Yeah, I meant that.

Which he presumably inherited from his father,

Arceus, and grandfather, Cephalus.

Dude, the Ionian Islands, I've never been, but the best chocolate in the world is Eos chocolate.

A Greek chocolate.

From there?

Check it out.

Eon.

If you guys are...

If you guys want chocolate, look up Ion chocolate.

Is there any vacation boys listening?

You can also buy it off Amazon.

I remember I always used to enjoy the episodes when Jockster would guest star.

Oh, The Trickster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, he was The Fool.

The Trickster.

I remember

The Fool.

That like nerds are really interesting.

Yeah, yeah.

He was in Something Dead.

Yeah, what's that guy's name?

He's like Sam Raimi's brother or something.

Yeah, nerds love that guy.

No, no, no.

Like Comic-Con type guys love that guy.

Who's the guy I'm thinking of?

The guy that's.

Yeah, the guy's.

Ted Raimi.

Oh, no.

Ted Raimi.

Sam Raimi directed Hercules or created it originally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Jocks are.

Oh, no, I'm thinking of that guy.

We're thinking of the same guy.

I'm thinking of that same guy, yeah.

He was on Burn Notice also.

Yeah.

It's so funny that those are the credits I know him from.

This guy.

Oh, no.

I'm thinking of the other guy.

Who the fuck are you thinking of?

That guy that's famous, like, niche famous with nerds.

He was in horror.

Oh, Bruce Campbell.

Bruce Campbell.

You're thinking of the show Jack of All Trades, which was another show.

No, he would be on Xena sometimes.

Yeah, he would be on Xena sometimes.

Did he play Aries on Xena?

Yeah, some other

or Bruce Campbell, Xena,

Bruce Campbell, baby.

Now, there's a man that gets pussy.

Yeah, he's lived a nice life.

That's the life you want, dude.

Yeah, he was, but it's a similar thing because he was in Evil Dead.

That's right.

Who was Sam Raimi directed that?

Mm-hmm.

So it's a whole.

I didn't realize Sam Raimi had his fucking little paws all over Hercules.

Yeah.

And then Spider-Man.

Damn, Adam's pissing, and I'm jealous.

I want to piss him off.

Autolycus.

Autolychus.

He was good in Xena, dude.

Bruce was the only cast member on Hercules that didn't require a costume fitting.

He just had all the shit at home.

Damn.

Now I'm thinking about my book tour after Nick gets murdered.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

A lifetime with Mullen.

Yeah.

What are you going to name the book?

I'm just going to misattribute, like, you know, I'm going to say quote, like, you're never going to write a book.

You're never going to have the discipline to do anything, anything, or you would have done it by now.

You wouldn't be in this prison and being mocked day in, day out.

I wouldn't have written the book about your book.

He's got it in drafts, dude.

Yeah.

He's waiting till someone.

But if any publishers want to hit me up, you know, Simon and Suckster, absolutely.

Maybe I'll write a book.

What should my book be about?

About your friend Nick.

No, man.

I'm going to write a book about personal essays.

I'm going to write a memoir.

A Bersonal essays?

Burstonal?

Mm-hmm.

Doing your bust.

Oh, bustinal.

Yeah, I don't know.

Burst.

I don't know, man.

It's all right, bro.

I don't know.

You're looking at crypto.

You're not in a good space right now.

No, I am in a good space, actually.

Oh, yeah.

I made a couple of.

I'm going to try and trade my way back to the television.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Dude, you know what?

This is this flight when he does all the cocaine in the hotel room.

Because you know what?

Fuck it, man.

There he is.

The problem is, I just love gambling.

And it's like winning or losing, who gives a shit?

As long as I'm

doing the gambling.

Should we go to Atlanta?

I'm sitting on the sidelines crying about my losses.

There we go.

I'd rather lose it all

in the house.

Come on, Tony.

I just got one.

I just had like a bad streak.

Come on.

This is my livelihood, Tony.

Remember when we went to David Sefarino's park?

And you were, we were hiding in the car because those guys were kind of coming at me.

Come on, Tony.

Come on.

We played ball together.

Don't you reminisce with me?

Don't you reminisce with me, you fucking snake.

Duh fuck, that moment where you realize.

Come on, Tony, I introduced you to Pepperan.

Don't you ever fucking bring her up.

Good little Pepperan.

Good little Pepperan.

Don't you fucking

him?

Yeah.

Don't you ever fucking bring her up.

Give to me again.

Yeah, I know she died in a school shooting.

I know there's a couple of Moolies came into her school

and shot up her specifically.

Yeah, that's right.

That's what happened.

That's what happened.

And I don't want to fucking take a move.

He just chokes him with his bare hands.

Yep.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Come on, Tony.

Come on, Tony.

Introduce you to Pepperine.

I gave you Pepperin's phone number.

I got it out of the customer.

I took it out of the credit.

I got it off her credit card statement when she came in one time.

You saw her in the security cameras.

You saw her buying volume.

Tony, I told you she was 12 years old.

And you said, yeah, but she's too cool for seventh grade.

Girl like that?

She's too cool for seventh grade.

Too cool for seventh grade.

Tony, I gotta tell you,

don't think you should be having sex with a 12-year-old.

None of my business.

I'm just saying.

I remember one time I had sex with a 12-year-old.

I wish I could do the, I can only do the mannerisms.

Yeah, yeah, you looked like Silly.

You're doing Sill Face.

Yeah, I can do Sill Face.

I can do it.

You're wearing a wig.

Back in the Army, I used to fuck 12-year-olds

in the service.

Tony, you want I should whack that 12-year-old?

You've been fucking

shut the fuck up, Christopher.

You keep a fucking name out of your mouth.

Tony, I didn't fucking say a name.

I said that girl.

You shut the fuck up.

Christopher.

Why is Tony mad?

Some 12-year-old he's been having sex with.

I don't know.

There's a gambling addict or something.

He's money for Bitcoin.

He's the only one that can talk to her.

They broke up.

Something like that.

I don't fucking know.

I got to work on my screenplay.

Christopher was walking down the street, his penis very large and visible through his track pants.

A lot of a whores were trying to have sex with him.

You stole my fucking story?

I love that moment where he's like, the real, legitimately real moment where he's like, they're like, well, you could go into modeling.

And they really believe that Christopher could be a model.

And he's like, I think he says no because there's too many gay guys in it.

I mean, I think it's the reason they say no,

they reject it is because there's too many, like, I think he says, he might literally say too many fags in there or something like that.

And it's played so fucking seriously, and it's one of the funniest moments on the show.

Doesn't he say he wants to make suits like Hugo Boss or something?

Yeah, he's got a lot of fun backup plans when the feds pinch her and Hugo bust.

How about that?

Yeah.

I love Tony fucking Pepperan.

I could just, we could just do that.

That could be the entire podcast where it's one joke and it continues for the rest of the podcast.

For the rest of the three months that it continues.

We'd have to know more about Pepper Ann.

I think she's got a mother.

There's a mother character.

I might draw Pepperan after Tony's done with her.

No.

Just dead?

No, not dead, but

like Adriana.

By the way, also, I've got my t-shirt, my side hustle, my t-shirt hustle.

If you go to come.town and you want to buy any of my stupid t-shirts.

That's right.

Buy the man's t-shirt.

Nick's got a lot of ideas coming up.

Well, it's nice, man, because it's like it gives me something to do during the day.

I wake up every morning, I print out all the packing slips, I fucking go to the post office.

It's like having a little day job.

Yeah, it gives you errands.

That's what I needed.

It's some kind of side project.

I just need another project.

Project.

My little side hustle doing stand-up comedy across the fucking country.

August, I'm filling up some dates, baby.

Rochester, I'm coming to you August 3rd.

Boston, the 16th and the 17th.

Oakland, the 24th.

Seattle, the 29th.

Portland, the 30th.

Hopefully, those are announced soon.

But yeah, keep an eye out for those.

I'll be tweeting them on social media and all that kind of fucking shit.

But yeah, your boy's trying to get back out there on the fucking road.

I think I'm coming to Indianapolis finally in September, late September.

So yeah, come see us.

And also see fucking Funny Moms.

Every Monday except the first.

We should move Funny Moms to the stand.

Well, then saw about two shows there.

Yeah, the whole point of funny moms was like right here.

But you were talking about moving it to Williamsburg, anyways.

Funny Moms, this month is the 8th, 22nd, and 29th.

They have a booked event on the 15th.

Also, the new stand is either open or reopening soon.

You should check it out.

Yeah, skeptical.

I went by.

Very nice club.

I have a weekly show.

It's a huge improvement over the last one.

Yeah.

It's so funny.

It's like all these cool things.

It's like, you know, like the fucking audience mics are cool.

They're set up for recording sets, like the size of the rooms, rooms, the layout of the rooms, like the size of the stage.

All these things that comics care about, like they're not talking about.

And they're like, we got a pizza oven in there so

Chrissy can toss a couple of pies around like the old days.

They literally hired a man from Naples to come make their pizzas.

It's going to rock.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wood burning.

Yeah, I'm there every Tuesdays.

We got Fat Tuesdays.

We had the first one yesterday.

Thank you everyone for coming out.

Big suck, ses.

And be there every Tuesday.

Not next week.

They're putting the finishing touch on the club, but the week after.

Be there every motherfucking Tuesday.

We'll book the boys as well.

They'll be there doing a little fucking skits.

But yeah, thanks everyone for coming.

Skits and goofs.

Those are all our fucking little hustles.

Hank Bustaliano.

Hey, Hank.

James Hank Bust.

Hank Bust.

I can't wait to have fucking.

You stay the fuck away from Pepper Rain.

If you come anywhere near Pepper Rain,

don't ever come near Pepper barrain.com Rain.

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