Ep. 160 – Dover Delaware Live (1/17/2016)

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Oh, yeah, you're not smoking.

We're I started already.

Penis, check.

Hold on, check the

levels.

Yeah, levels are good.

I have a headphones right here.

Well, I mean, I'm looking at the levels on it.

Just plug it in, man.

You never know.

You have oxide, you plug it in because I can't hear.

What do you mean you can't hear?

I can't.

I can't hear anything.

How do you need to hear what we're saying?

I'm reading lips.

No, I'm covering my lips.

I've learned.

Well, no, I can't hear you.

Well, you just responded to me, though, bitch.

Dude, hey, Adam, Nick's fucking gay.

But I know you're saying something, but I can't see your lips, so I don't know what you're saying.

If you can't.

I can't see you, because you're not covering your lips.

Well, I'm about to plug this in and cover my lips.

If your digger's little

talk.

If your dick is little, talk.

You made a sound.

It sounds a little loud on this.

Is stop talking because I can't.

He's covering his lips, so I can't.

No, it worked.

He talked.

Stop talking, Adam.

He knows I'm talking.

I can hear.

I have the.

Stop talking.

Weird, because I was just imagining a situation hypothetically where someone would say something like, if you talk, then your dick is gay.

And then they follow, or that your dick is small.

No.

Then you follow

by continuing to speak.

No.

So that would imply.

The guy who says it is exempt.

No.

Oh, shit.

He's not exempt.

It sounds what?

What is wrong with this?

It sounds pretty loud to me.

It's not loud.

Okay, then we're fine.

Look at the levels on here.

Okay, so we don't need to.

Right in between negative 18.

The guy is exempt.

Okay.

All right.

And you're also not covering your lips anymore, so I can re-I can't hear anything, so I don't even know why I'm listening to the headphones.

headphones.

I don't have any ability to hear any of this stuff.

I lost my hearing in Iraq.

Oh, really?

Yeah, listening to the screams.

You're on vacation?

The children I was decimating.

Whoa.

Oh, I didn't know.

That was you.

I was a.

I went on a crusade.

Private contractor.

Iraq.

A lot of people don't know this, but the Vatican also sent people if they wanted to go to the campus.

In armor and shit?

Yeah.

With swords, riding horses and guns.

Wasn't the last crusade a Nazi thing?

Nazis weren't God-fearing folk.

Nazis were atheists.

I thought the Nazis were trying to find modern atheism was founded in the middle of the history.

No, I'm talking about Indiana Jones.

I'm talking about

most of the Holocaust was essentially a sort of like a debate me kind of thing.

Yeah.

What do you mean, a debate me?

So the Jews weren't able to, with logic, win, so they were sent to the camps.

Yeah.

Okay.

If you look at the Holocaust,

the only argument Jews have ever lost.

And that's why Ben Shamiro has gotten become the best debater in the world.

He's a natural survivor.

Man, it's funny to see that, like, the end of him.

Is it?

I mean, he's still, what's the end of it?

He'll be around forever.

No, because he doesn't want to be able to do that.

No one goes away.

By that fat British guy, he's not going to go away.

That was more scrutiny.

And people are pulling all this shit from his show where he's like, you know, the thing about Western culture versus like Muslim culture, like whatever that was.

But he also recently said, and I'd have to look it up again, but that he should be able to have sex with a six-year-old if he wants to.

Oh, really?

He said that on his soccer story.

It was something.

Yeah, I at least that was the gist.

Did he write it in a calling?

I can't be sure, but someone.

Someone who's usually reliable has told me that.

So it's close to the ground.

Yes.

And in fact, I don't even know if it's about Ben Shapiro.

A certain right-wing

tiny hat-wearing guy

said

that he has had sex with millions of children.

So Ben Shapiro or another right-wing Jew

or someone who just wears a little hat.

Yeah,

you know.

Oh, that really opens up to

that's all the blind item said.

I actually didn't say any of this myself.

I read it on a blind item.

A certain blind item website has said unequivocally that Ben Shapiro rapes children.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, legally speaking, we can't verify.

Legally speaking, that is what it said.

And

off the record, we can verify.

Certain famous blind item websites.

I'm going to just start a blind item website.

Yeah, about blind items.

And that's how you get around, you can just say it's like, you know, a certain blind,

a not-to-be-named blind item website that's pretty popular definitively stated that John Voigt fucked a three-year-old.

And then John Voigt can't get mad because it's like, no, I read it all.

I read it somewhere.

I read it.

I read it.

He's like, where's the link?

And And it's like, I lost it.

Yeah, I don't remember.

I lost the link.

I read it somewhere.

Why are you being fucked up about this?

I didn't even say you did it.

I said they said it.

I said I read that someone said it.

Yeah.

You're being fucking rude, John Voigt.

Yeah.

Sorry, you fucking kids.

Yeah, if you've got a problem with that, take it to court.

Let's see if you can find a single judge in this country

that'll take this case.

It'll take this case.

Anywhere except to the recycling bin on their hard drive, on their desktop.

Drag and drop.

Drag and drop.

Email him, guess where it's ending up.

It's being dragged and dropped into the trash.

He's downloading the attachment and then only to put it in the trash.

He's not even opening it.

He's not opening it.

Oh, what's that?

I'm actually being sued for libel.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I'm going to jail.

Oh, I have to produce a million dollars.

Now, I'm going to jail.

Now, I'm going to jail, am I?

Oh, it's just being passive-aggressive with the movie.

So I'm going to jail now.

jail.

I'm going to jail now.

Oh, okay.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, wow.

That's awesome.

Yeah, that's a real cool move of you to arrest me and throw me in jail.

Yeah, I just feel really cool doing that.

We are here, by the way, boys and girls, in Montreal.

Beautiful Montreal.

Quebec.

Quebec, eh?

Getting our penises absolutely licked and sucked off by the pop local population.

The indigenous Montrealese, which is is French.

A lot of people don't know this is where France started.

This was the first France.

And then they went over to Europe on vacation.

Except when

in World War II, when the Nazis conquered Paris and started Vichy France, they also started a Vichy Quebec here.

That's right.

They're Nazis.

Absolutely conquered.

And they actually were never conquered.

So it's still kind of an option.

It's still kind of a bustling Nazi conqueror.

It's like a French spin on the old Nazi ways that you know and love.

They use more butter in their cooking.

Exactly.

That's pretty much the only difference.

In their

case, we should say, though, you know what?

Let's plug our shows up top.

We are, the day you're hearing this, Wednesday, can you pull it up on your phone?

My phone's charging.

Yes.

We're at the Montreal.

Wednesday the 19th.

We're at the Rialto Theater here.

We're at the Rialto Theater.

This goes up on Wednesday.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, so tonight we're at the Rialto Theater.

So please come see us.

And then we are going to where's next?

Ottawa, Ontario, the capital of Canada, where I will be bare knuckle brawling the Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

That's right.

We're oiling up Trudeau.

We're doing, yeah, we're going to do an oiled Greco-Roman style fight.

June 21st in Ottawa at Center Point Theater.

The 23rd in Vancouver sold out at Yuck Yucks.

We added a Monday show.

But the 24th, the next night, there are still tickets available.

24th, Vancouver.

Those are going fast, Vancouver.

And they're going fast, and probably that one's going to sell out as well.

And then in Edmonton,

we're going to be performing on the 26th at the Starlight,

which I hear is fabulous.

That's right.

The Dallas of Canada.

So please get your fucking tickets.

We haven't really promoted it as well as we should.

And we don't want to lose money going to Canada.

We've been spending a lot of money.

My poutine habit is out of control.

Yeah.

I spent all the earnings from Toronto on poutine.

I bought a horse.

Nick's been riding around everywhere.

I've been riding around on a Clydesdale.

And I've just gotten it.

I'm

I've gotten addicted to Nuru style massage.

That's true.

Which is, I guess, an Eastern style, but it's very popular here in Canada.

New Roo.

New Roo.

It's like a Bill Maher kind of thing.

Nuru.

Nuru.

New Roo.

Newbie.

Def Bill Maher.

Nuby.

Nuru.

It would be great if Bill Maher was a mentally retarded man.

He's still just as close as possible.

Yeah, just as

he is close.

Yeah.

Bill Maher.

Bill Maher.

He got it with his own.

The Mar word.

Bill Maher word.

The Maher word with Bill Maher.

Oh, that would be.

Hold on.

I'm afraid.

I have to fart, but I'm afraid.

Yeah, it's just air.

I'm going to be

sitting on a fucking steaming hot shitereen for the entirety of this episode, but I'm a professional.

I can do it.

Yeah, stick it up.

Thanks, man.

One last plug before we really get pumping.

I have started a weekly show at the Stand Comedy Club.

First one is the first Tuesday in July.

Fat Tuesdays,

every Tuesday, I'll be hosting with you.

They made you call this Fat Tuesday.

I chose to call it Fat Tuesday.

You chose the name.

What if you lose weight?

It's still Fat Tuesday.

Because it's more than the Catholic Church.

You're not from New Orleans.

I am.

Oh, I didn't know that.

You're hosting SPR 6 times.

I'm hosting SPR.

No, it's just going to be an awesome stand-up show.

These motherfuckers will probably pop through, do some spots here and there, if Nick isn't quit stand-up.

And Funny Funny Moms is commencing on July 8th.

We're soaring back up again.

We were off for this month because of travel and then certain other complications, but we're back.

Being gay.

We're back every Monday, so there's actually four Mondays in July, so it'll be the 8th, 15th, 22nd, and 29th.

Oh, so many chances to see the boys.

So many chances to see the boys.

So yeah, come out and do that.

And a person of color and a woman, which we have booked on every single show.

Because we have a quota and we feel like we have to.

But also because they're very talented and we'd like to showcase new voices

no that's right we we try to book white men yes that's what we try to do yes because normally all the spots would be going to

nick depaulo

he's got a standing residency he'll be at every funny mom just standing there in his like loose-fitting coal shirt and his hand in his pocket so what are you guys like faggots or something

brooklyn's a faggot now 50 years ago, if you tried to have gay sex in this town, they'd beat you to death.

They'd bash your fucking head in.

They'd fucking throw a rock so quickly through your fucking head that it would turn into lava while it was cooking in your brain.

You have fucking Dante's peak coming out of the back of your head, popped open like a fucking zit.

They tie your ankles to the back of a pickup truck, whip you around, decal bad.

Oh no.

Your head splitting open on the fire hydrant.

It's always one of the worst conversations.

You see the flashlight clicking.

The mics mic's cut.

Yeah.

What, is that too hot for you, Nick?

Oh, that's too much.

Nick, we're your fans.

We kept your taping.

Yeah, we kept your taping.

Oh, yeah, Black Lives Matter.

No, we're huge fans of yours.

We've been fans forever.

I watched his new season.

Does he ever tell you which Black Lives Matter?

Have you ever noticed that?

It's not the ones that each one, they're killing each other.

Nobody cares about that.

I guess those ones don't matter.

I think

I think he might have done that, probably.

I mean, it's not, I think he might have done that.

It's literally not hard to write that entire special.

I know, actually, I don't, I don't fucking mostly

cold from like you know, well, he's like, yeah, you know, like Twitter accounts, you know, like Marcy something or other, you know, and it's just like, she's real hot, right?

And it's like, it's just like a daytime Fox business channel anchor.

You know, it's just like, it's.

So he just probably watches like Fox.

He just watches the world.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah,

Fox has taken over his life.

Very talented comedian.

Yeah, thankfully, my parents are dumb immigrants, so they don't really have

political opinions other than, you know, we should probably help poor people and shit like that.

Yeah.

Well, my parents are

dumb immigrants, but they watch Maddow every night.

My dad yells at the television about how she was.

She was beautiful before she cut all her hair off and started dressing that way.

She was a beautiful blonde.

What?

Yeah, for the most part.

I mean, he's like a Democrat, but like.

Yeah, like a Maryland.

But, well, yeah, I mean, no, because he was like saying, like,

I know he likes Jeb Bush, but he's very vague.

I don't even think he voted.

He's like,

he likes somebody that's like quiet.

Right, right.

Just someone who reminds him of himself.

Yeah, he likes Jeb Bush.

He's like,

yeah, that guy seems like he wouldn't dominate me in conversation.

He'd really listen.

Yeah.

I'm like everyone else in my life.

Oh, fuck, dude.

My thighs are burning.

Me and Nick took up the Mont Royale, the Royal Mountain.

Yeah, we had to wear condoms the whole time.

My dick was chafing.

Yeah, you have to put your.

Here's a little get around getting chafed.

You put your dick and balls in the condoms.

Yeah.

And you walk around that.

You put a separate condom on the balls?

No condom on the balls.

Well, either way.

Well, it sounds like Sav just owned himself.

No, I bought bigger condoms.

Oh, you bought bigger condoms that fit over my camera.

Well, first of all, my soft dick

is not as big as my hard dick.

So, sure, there's extra room.

Oh, he owned himself again.

Your soft dick is not as hard as your hard dick.

I don't know, Nick, but Nick was seeing what you didn't understand was Nick was hard the whole time.

So he needed a separate condom.

Yeah, I can't get soft anymore.

I can't get soft.

Shout out to the sponsors.

We don't have to try to get my dick soft for Santa TV.

Oh, yeah, we're we're post-ad.

Yeah, we're not doing ads for a while.

We're too hot for TV.

We got some

lawsuits.

Honestly, it was way too long of a run.

Especially with Blue Chew, which is

we are owed a lot of money

by German companies that have offshore accounts that I only made deals with because they expressed to me that they've been around since the 30s.

Yes.

Oh, fuck.

But yeah, I'm loving Canada, boys.

I don't know about you.

I really like Montreal.

I thought I was going to hate all the French shit.

Taking pictures of flowers and rowing in a boat on a lake.

That was great.

It is a really beautiful

time of year.

You're kind of reminiscing about our money.

Oh, you're dead.

You had a nice day.

All right.

Well, I was.

You decided to bring your girlfriend and go do your own thing again.

Well, but we went to a spa on a boat.

We were always bonded.

Taking away.

You were kissing your girlfriend.

We were kissing your girlfriend.

We were pretending to be in elementary school.

First of all,

we infiltrated a field trip.

We were pretending to ask women to take our pictures and then ask if they can have sex with us.

Yeah.

You know, like that.

First of all, I was not kidding to the extent of actually asking some women to take our pictures.

We did ask a couple of people.

After doing a bit where it would be funny if you did that as a pretext for trying to have sex with them.

You could do it.

And then a man asked us to take his picture and then we were like, no,

yeah.

And then we treated him as a fish.

And then you beat him up.

Fuck us.

Yeah, we threw him in the lake.

We threw him in the lake.

Well, I was not kissing today.

You know the rules about PDA in my relationship that we're not allowed to kiss each other only

behind multiple closed doors.

It's bad for the career.

We saw some

that you're single.

Some wild sheriffs were available.

We saw some wild shervings.

Yeah, Nick downloaded

an app that lets you identify flowers.

Oh, that's a good idea.

He was taking pics like it's a pokedex.

Yeah, I just went around collecting flowers.

I think when I get older, I want to know what all the birds are, too.

Oh, Nick was saying that.

Yeah, I'm already in

the Audubon Society stuff.

No, I've always, like, I always

thought birdwatching would be cool.

I just have terrible vision, and I don't want to buy binoculars.

You refuse to wear your glasses.

I know.

Oh, really?

You don't have contacts in?

No, he just takes his glasses.

He just squints.

Yeah, I just haven't been wearing it.

I haven't been able to see anything.

He believes that the eyes have the ability to regenerate right.

Never have I said that.

He thinks with his own mentality.

Yeah, I heard you say that actually.

Nick said that.

You were saying that if you just try hard enough, your eyes are not.

It's all about belief.

Yeah, that's not what I said.

The power of the mind.

The power of the mind.

I'm driving, so it doesn't matter if I can't read something.

No, I think you should.

Furthermore, everything here is in French.

There's no reason to be in French.

Yeah, you don't know.

No, it's actually in English.

Is that how bad your eyes are?

Well, everything in New York is in French.

That's true.

That is true.

It is fucked up that shit here is in French.

Yeah.

I don't like it.

I like it, actually.

Wow.

You know me?

Bitch, what's your gem a pill?

I mean, you're a bitch.

Bitch, what's your gem a pill?

Bitch, what's your germ of pill?

That's another character you missed.

You missed out on that one, John.

Oh, black guy that does black friends.

Hey, damn, bitch.

Let me get your germ a pill.

What's your gem a pill, bitch?

Bitch, I'm trying to hear you germ a pill.

Yep, that guy's good.

We also got a Baltimore guy

who's his first time.

He's excuse me, it's my first time in Canada.

Why y'all keep your penis band-aids?

I've never been on vacation before.

My dad's in family jail.

I can't call him.

I can't call him for help.

My cock and my dick is red hot.

My dad owes $37 million in child support.

For me, a grown 40-year-old man also.

My dad, who's 49, I'm 40 years old.

My dad is seven years older than me.

He owes $38 million in child support.

I ain't never been to Canada before, and I need penis band-aids.

No, you're taking me to the regular band-aids.

I need the ones for your penis special.

The ones that are special for your pen.

I got my penis caught in my zipper because I was wearing, I did not realize the pants were French.

Yeah, dude.

That's the kind of stuff you miss out on when you're just having

personal time, man.

Listen,

we're infiltrating

pretending to be elementary school kids for a school for mostly Indian and Chinese students.

That's That's also probably a magnet school.

Yeah, probably.

Now I think about it.

Well, that's the other thing that was cool about Toronto, how

straight-up multicultural that shit was.

It felt like what would happen in Detroit or

Sims.

I don't know.

I feel like people are too nice in Toronto.

If you were hardened by the New York streets.

Yeah, everyone was complimenting us.

Yeah, people were like, you guys are beautiful.

Except for this one gentleman in Toronto.

May he remain unnamed.

Also, I never learned his name.

I'm sure it's some Chinese type of name, though.

Yeah.

Oh, that guy

that said, you guys are pussies, which no one heard but you, and then me and Snowden.

No, that guy did.

No, he didn't say, you guys are pussies.

No, he said, there's a drunk guy on the street.

That guy called us pussies.

No, I didn't.

He told me the fuck off while you walked away.

And then we said, did he really say that?

And you're like, I don't know.

No, that is not what he said.

He said, break it down.

What happened?

It was a drunk guy, and he turned to us, and he said, you guys cross cross the street, and then you, everyone's like, No.

And then he turned away.

And as he turned away, he said, Um, because uh,

he's like, Because you guys are a bunch of fucking pussies, you probably shouldn't cross the street.

And then I walked back to you guys.

I was like, He called us pussies, and then we were like, and then did you say, Yeah, and we told him to fuck off while you walk around.

No, that's not true.

And it is funny how quickly he folded.

No, I was like, You're being a fucking asshole, dude.

He's like, Oh, sorry, I'm so sorry.

He's like, Yeah, yeah, sorry, dude.

I'm fucking drunk, dude.

That guy was chill, actually.

That guy was chill.

But yes, I didn't run away.

Chinese guy.

No, you ran away.

You were running.

I was trying to.

I wanted to.

To distract the police officer and not get his attention, though.

These are in a separate Uber

home.

You're already talking a case.

You're an ambulance.

I was saying it.

Well, you know how I like to call ambulances.

This is one of those

Jewish ambulances in Brooklyn.

They just have therapists in them.

This is a fucking shade lounge.

I got into an argument with my mother earlier today.

Okay, we're going to have to take you to the hospital.

It's just a place to hide out.

And how do you see black teens coming?

It says, if you're Jewish, I don't want to be made fun of.

Quick hopping the Jewish ambulance.

Yeah, that's what Adam did.

So Adam called one of those from Brooklyn.

I called one of those Brooklyn Jewish ambulances.

No.

But

I feel like that the one gentleman.

I saw one.

They had it in Brooklyn Brooklyn the other day, the Asian American ambulance.

I'm like, that sounds like a bad idea.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

As long as that's not

driving the thing.

You know what I'm saying?

Nick DiPollo here all weekend.

Woo!

Wee, wee.

What I'd love to see is one of those Asian American ambulances showing up to the Black Lives Matter protest, driving through all of them.

We'll make Charlottesville look like a Fender Bend.

Wow.

By the way, they all take out each other.

You know what I'm saying?

And no one's going to call that terrorism, right?

No one will call it.

If it's an Asian guy, everybody will say, hey, that's great.

That's multicultural.

Yeah.

They're going to say

Asian American ambulance.

He's actually driving well, and those people shouldn't have gotten in his way while they were walking on the sidewalk minding their own business.

No, this just.

Who does Nick DiPaulo vote for, even?

The Musinx guy?

Like, what are his politics?

I bet you he really loves.

I bet you he really loves Trump Trump.

Yeah, probably.

He said it in his special.

Yeah.

Yeah, he loves him.

And he loves, you know, daytime.

It's all part of that shake it up.

Yeah.

I just want someone that'll shit.

I want somebody that'll have sex with the system.

Someone that'll fuck.

No, but we were.

It's a story Adam keeps trying to tell.

Thank you, Stavros.

Maybe if you tell it.

Is that we, after our show, which, by the way, thank you to everyone who came to the fucking show.

I'm not trying to cut you off.

It's just we go through the story, work through, you take a little bit out here, you riff on it, and then you go back to the story.

Right.

Right.

work, and it was

don't take it personal.

No, it doesn't.

I'm not saying

we're not taking it personal.

It works when you made us pick a fight with that guy, and taking it personally.

I didn't make you pick a fight with that guy, that guy did call us pussy.

No one heard it but you.

I told you, not even that, like, we wanted to fight him.

I was like, that was really funny what that guy said.

As alphas, as two thoroughbred alpha men, I wasn't trying to fight the guy, I thought I was like, look at this debilitated, drunk guy.

That was very funny what he just said to us.

And you know, I wanted to share with you, I didn't want to start a fight at all.

You know what?

That is a perfect example of kind of a a microcosm of what

our dynamic is.

Oh, yo, the parentheses, boys.

Yeah, we're just trying to make you laugh.

We're not trying to

incite race wars.

Yeah.

You got two young bulls here.

You know, we're heated because I got into a fight with that Chinese guy.

Nick had just gotten to a fight with a Chinese man at a restaurant.

We're ready.

We're amped.

We're going to fuck that drunk guy up.

We're going to call him a bitch.

I don't care who's going to be a fucking idiot.

I did not turn away from that Chinese, that old Chinese man at the restaurant.

I did call him a Nazi, and I did tell him that he should call the police.

Because that is a customer service situation

where you were protected by the law.

You were protected by the role of the restaurant.

No, that is not true.

That is not true.

He is trying to dispute the story.

No, he told us that he was going to levy independent fines against them because now it's not making sense.

Let's do the story.

We have a great show.

Thank you to everyone who came out to the Winter Gardens.

It was fucking wild.

Honestly, probably one of the best shows of my life.

It was the most beautiful theater the three of us will probably ever see.

The opera was there the week before us.

I love being on the road.

It's awesome.

I've had a lot of fun.

I love not writing any material, phoning in the stand-ups.

That's right.

No, you did.

I like that David Cronenberg Jordan.

Not writing any material, phoning in the stand-ups.

That was good.

Phoning in the live show.

Phoning in the podcast.

Yeah.

Taking a hike.

Yeah.

The best part is hanging out.

Dude, I love it.

I pulled.

There was

a big ant in my hair earlier, and it was like, this is great.

I love it.

I love being

covered in bugs.

I washed myself.

You're kind of losing me now.

Honestly, you're losing me.

I don't know about this bugs in the hair.

Anyway, so we're like, great.

We work up an appetite.

We're going to Toronto's famed Chinatown for a nice fucking meal.

One of the most famous Chinatowns there is.

And we show up.

And the way I guess Toronto does shit, maybe it's just Asian restaurants because we went to just that Chinese restaurant.

No, no, no.

We got the first one.

We went to the place that was like that, too.

So maybe it's the Asian restaurant.

Did I go?

No, you were at the airport.

Nick

missed the flight from JFK.

This is just a catch every day.

Anyway, so we're sitting down.

I didn't miss the flight.

They wouldn't let me on.

They wouldn't let him on because he didn't have an adequate passport.

Well, I went home and got my passport, came back, made the flight, and they still wouldn't let me on.

That is true.

That is true.

Anyway, we're sitting down.

They give you a little piece of paper to write down what you want.

Nick immediately starts writing down Chinese.

No, Chinese calligraphy.

He was copying the Chinese calligraphy.

Because you write down what you want, and

that's how they write.

But there's also a number.

There's numbers.

There is numbers.

Very clearly.

You just write down by number.

Anyway.

So just writing down Chinese calligraphy.

I wanted to make it easier for them, and then you messed me up.

But how do you know if it's the right symbol?

There could be a list.

My name is Don't engage.

I literally do know that that is the way to write.

First of all, I was doing a good job copying it.

Also,

the characters themselves only have like certain strokes.

Anyway, you dumb bitch.

It was too big anyway.

Nick took out a giant paintbrush.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

You started painting the Chinese cookie.

Anyway, Nick takes up half the fucking paper writing one order of something.

Beef with broccoli.

He did the collection

for it.

We're like, no, you dumb bitch.

We have to order it over here.

What are you doing?

All right, fuck it.

We'll go to the next one.

Let's just get a new paper.

Well, you kind of bullied me into it, and then I was writing fake Chinese after that.

Well, no, you wrote over the whole thing with one item.

No, it was most of it.

It doesn't matter.

We We all decided.

It wasn't Nick's fault.

We were just doing it.

We all decided that

initially I was just writing down beef with bread.

Okay, fine.

And everyone said that's not how you're supposed to do it.

You write down the numbers.

And then I copied the Chinese.

I was just doing it.

And then I did fake Chinese.

Great.

Fine, Nick.

That's fine.

I wronged you.

Fine.

You didn't wrong me, but this was a group after you.

We were hung.

Okay.

Anyway,

so we're like, okay, this is fucking retarded.

We can't order food on this thing.

We'll just ask the guy for an U.A.

Nick balls it up, puts it fucking whatever next to him.

Throws it on the floor.

Throws it on the ground.

Anyway,

I think it's a chair next to him.

So we wave the waiter down.

We're like, hey, man, can we get another one of those?

We wrote on it, whatever.

We don't even say anything.

Can we just grab another one?

He's like, we want to order.

And we're all hungry.

We're excited to eat.

He's like,

where's the other one?

And we're like,

we just threw it away, man.

We wrote on it.

And

just to interject, because I'm not telling the story, and now I can be an interject point.

I really admire the fact that you are not doing the accent.

I think it's very respectful of you.

Thank you.

It didn't sound like this.

Let me just say the voice is exactly what you're thinking.

What I'm not doing.

He didn't sound like Sav speaking in a respectful

American accent.

Allow yourself to do the racist Chinese accent.

So he's like, where's the other one?

Or like, we don't know.

Whatever.

Can we have another one?

He's like, no.

Where's the other one?

And Nick jumps quick.

You got shot.

He got shook.

Like,

it's visible, by the way.

I could have seen it.

I don't know if the Chinese guy saw it.

He didn't see it.

It was next to Nick on the channel.

Nick said he went outside and smoked a cigarette.

Yeah, so the guy is grilling Nick now.

Instead of just giving him the thing,

he's in Tuesday.

He's like, no, he already drew on it.

He has it.

He drew on it already.

Which is fine, though.

We didn't have to lie to him.

Obviously, the guy is like, wants this piece of paper.

I'm not giving it to him.

Okay,

we did that right there.

We could have

the issue.

We could have just given it to you to him.

There's no reason to do it.

We literally could have.

We had it right here.

We had it right there.

And listen, once you decided, I saw what was happening.

You were not giving it to us.

I was on your side.

We were backing you.

We were backing yours.

We're not going to side with a Chinese guy.

Sure.

But with a rude.

And he was very rude.

Having said that, it would have been very easy to hand him the balled-up piece of paper.

Okay.

But that's fine.

Okay, all right.

You didn't want him to win.

I get that.

Anyway, Nick's locked in.

He's like, I threw it away.

I want to smoke a cigarette.

I fucking threw it away.

And he's, whatever.

It's a fucking argument that doesn't need to happen.

But we're locked in now.

Now, this Chinese guy's so rude that even though we don't have to do this, we just said, give us another

piece of paper.

You're telling me this has never happened before.

And he's like, no.

No, it's never.

It's never happened.

He's a $100 fine.

He's going to pay $100 fine.

$100 fine.

If you don't.

We're like, how?

By who?

Who's giving?

Levied by who?

The police?

So Adam calls him an asshole, a Nazi.

And then I'm like, all right, well, we're not fucking eating here, man.

That's not happening.

He's like, no, he told me to go outside and find it.

And I'm like, all right.

And I left.

So Nick grabs it from the chair next to him.

Very well.

Good sleight of hand.

I didn't say it.

It's like David Blaine-esque.

And we're like, all right, motherfucker, we're not fucking.

And we're making a scene at this restaurant.

I mean, we're shouting.

It's like 11 at night.

And we're like, are you fucking kidding me we're you're not gonna let us eat here we are going to he's like no and we're like all right well fuck you we're not eating here shouting at this man he's shouting chinesely at us loud as fuck and we just leave and uh

here we go okay

anyway anyways damn now i want chinese

i wonder if they got good chinese in more

should i get poutine we had it the first night i don't think it's that good.

I'm not a gravy guy.

I will say this.

This is a controversial take.

Damn.

I'm not a gravy guy.

I'm a sauce guy generally.

I like aiolis.

You like a red sauce?

I do like a red sauce.

I like anything you can dip shit in.

But my problem with fucking gravy, it's oversaturated.

You know what it is?

It's the one sauce that you just ladle on indiscriminately.

Have it on the fucking side.

I don't want my shit getting mushy.

I love a crisp fry.

Let me decide when the fuck I'm saturating my fries.

Don't come.

Oh, captain my cap.

Thank you.

I'm the captain of this fucking ship.

Of this chip ship.

Damn.

Anyway.

Anyway.

I don't know.

Did I finish this coffee?

Do you have more?

I'm going to take your shit.

You're just going to steal Adam's coffee?

Well, there you go.

Steal my coffee.

Yeah, maybe I'll go fucking sit at the bar at the restaurant that Adam's eating at.

Well, if you want to wait for me to go to the gym, then afterwards we can go get our own

special dinner.

Some boof?

Some boof.

Some pussy boof.

Yeah, I do need to eat some pussy meat.

Some pussy boof.

Some pussy meat.

I'll wait for you.

At the strip clubs here, you're allowed to eat the stripper's pussy.

Yes.

Yes.

It's one of the few things you're allowed to do.

They're fully clothed.

They're wearing a leotard with their pussy cut out.

And you're allowed to get five licks per loony.

Yeah,

instead of topless, they're bottomless.

Yeah.

The reotard?

How about

that?

The retarded person's skin.

Oh, okay.

Wear that to wrestling practice.

No.

And people are like, what the f no?

You're like, oh, I misunderstood.

I killed and skinned the mentally retarded person.

Okay, it took a left turn.

But it's very creative.

The reotard could also be

the LR Chinese thing, but they misunderstand it.

And then they just have an Olympic weightlifting team

populated by Reotards.

Interesting.

Wearing Leotards.

Wouldn't it just be the article of clothing?

Why would it be retarded people?

I don't know.

It didn't really make sense.

It felt sort of like a childlike logic there.

Dream logic.

Yeah, dream logic.

Yeah.

Suck my dad.

Suck on my nose.

Damn, what a nice afternoon.

I know, brother.

It's a really nice.

We've been planning a fishing trip.

Where?

Back to New York.

I don't know.

Where should we go?

I want to go to Alaska.

No, go on a salmon region.

Come on.

What are you doing, man?

Something for the weekend.

My dad, Alaska.

I want to go to Alaska to become a salmon.

Oh, you want to go on the weekend?

We're talking about driving to like the Finger Lakes region at most.

Maybe find

a little fucking.

I went fishing last summer in Cape Cod.

It was really nice.

Finger Lakes region.

That would be nice.

Yeah.

Finger fucking Finger Lakes or something.

Or yeah, no, we could probably go and drive down Long Island.

We could probably find some weird little fucking theater in Ithaca and just do something, like, probably.

Just finance the, just completely phone it in, finance the weekend.

Yeah, yeah.

Just start doing community theater, like a touring community theater.

That'd be nice.

We were thinking about writing off Shakespearean play.

You missed a lot, man.

You missed so much.

It was a business trip.

Did you write off all the ideas?

I mean, I write off things anyways.

Of course.

Everything gets written off.

Who are our main Shakespearean characters?

I go to a clothing store and I buy sandals and I write it off because I'm using them to make fun of Indians.

You're wearing them.

Every time he does the voice, he puts them on.

No, what were the characters' names?

I don't know.

Pussakrio and Philippians.

Dixakrio and Pussy.

Pussclidius.

Yeah, Disclias.

Dixakrio.

You know how it goes.

That sounds like you know what hanging out sounds like.

I know the vibe.

I've been there.

Listen, we got three more cities,

no GFs.

Running up a hill to ask a woman to take your picture.

Excuse me.

Can you take

my picture just

four minutes out of your way, sprinting in the exact pushing?

Could you take my friend's picture?

We're going to take our picture together.

We need your take her picture.

What do you do?

After the picture, we're going to go to the next one.

Have you been to a restaurant?

You ever been to a restaurant?

Do you ever go to a place to get a drink?

Oh, you have?

Nice.

What's your German pill?

What's your German pal?

What's your German pill?

Oh, you're from French Canada.

That's cool.

How old are you?

Oh, six, six, six.

So, you're still in high school?

That's crazy.

I'm on a class trip.

I'm on it.

I'm here.

I'm in an elementary school, actually.

My elementary school here is doing breast cancer research.

We're crowdfunding breast cancer, and we wanted to actually see your breasts.

Mm-hmm.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Trying to trick a guy.

Hey, why are you talking to my daughter?

Sir, Sir, I'm a Navy SEAL

captain in the Air Force,

and I do not have time for this line of questioning.

Good day.

I'm here.

I have diplomatic communities.

I have diplomatic immunity.

I can have as much sex with underrated

classified information.

And I'm also at an elementary school.

I will be using my diplomatic community.

If you have a problem with it, you can take it up with the principal

or my commanding officer.

Those are your two options.

I am just following orders from my elementary school.

Yeah, we also saw in elementary school wearing pink shirts.

Yeah.

That's the boys and even the boys too?

Huh?

The boys and the girls?

Damn, that's funny, dude.

You should have roasted those guys.

We did.

Fucking losers.

We were like, nice pink.

What are you, fucking big girl?

You fucking piece of shit.

And they started crying.

And then we went to the teacher.

We were like, what's up?

You ever have a drink?

You ever go to your...

Do you ever

the

bottom of the vagay?

Do you ever get a vagay?

Do you ever felt the condo in your pussy?

What about when the guy's daddy?

You're in the condo.

No, I'm also in your class.

I'm in the class.

I'm one of your students.

Come on, bitch.

You remember me.

You remember me?

But it's because it's summer.

I've had a gross break.

And I'm ready to have sex.

And I need you to.

Remember when you taught health class?

No, you did.

You might not remember it, but it was one of the days we did health, and you said that you promised us we could have sex with you if we hit puberty during the class.

And here I am.

Most of the kids are seven, so that wasn't a big deal for them, but you made

a promise.

But yeah, I'm like a quarter Dominican.

I'm off to the Little League World Series tomorrow.

I went into the bathroom after you use it, and I smelled the seat, and I can tell that you're ovulating.

So

if you want,

I will get you pregnant because my sperm is fresh as I'm 10.

As a child.

As a child, fresh sperm.

Who knows how to make a baby better than a baby himself?

Ma'am?

Ma'am.

Ma'am, please, I'm in the Air Force.

Ma'am, please have sex with my son.

I come in.

Yeah.

We're really worried about his grades.

He keeps saying if he gets some pussy, he'll start studying.

Ma'am, I don't know how to read.

And it's the only reason is because I can't stop thinking about having sex.

It's the only way you can learn.

Now, ma'am, please have sex with my son.

But listen, as his father, I should make sure your pussy is up to snuff.

Can you have sex with my dad first?

Because I'm scared.

I want him to watch me have sex with my son.

I want to see my dad fuck me first because I know how to do it.

The classic short con.

You see that?

It's a trick.

It's a simple trick, you see?

She's waiting for it.

She's waiting for you to come and trick her.

Suck my penis and fuck my ass and let me fuck on your dick because I'm gay.

You put the big bill on the outside and then you put your dick in the middle of the room.

And you say, Listen, sweetheart, I got $600 here, and I need you to hold it in your pussy.

Well, the cops asked me a couple of questions.

I was was raped.

And that's how you get away with the mask.

Yeah, that's what they call the sting.

It's just fucking Paul Newman.

I don't know about

pulling off a mask, and he's like, she thought I was her husband.

Hooper, I don't know if you can get away with raping all these women.

All we need is one big last score.

All right, boys, we're going to need a couple reshoots on this picture.

We can get one big last score.

Listen, there's a billionaire across town.

She's fat as hell, and if you fuck her, you get all the money.

She's got rubies in her pussy.

She's got rubies in her pussy.

We need to get a man on the inside.

Ah, fuck.

Yeah.

I got a hot shit arena in the chamber, man.

Yeah, I need to drink a bunch of water.

Yeah, I feel pretty dehydrated.

I have something you can suckle on for me.

It won't hydrate me.

You don't know what it is.

It won't be that hydrated.

Do you know what it is?

You're going to say your penis.

That's not necessarily true.

Well, what were you going to say?

I don't want to say now.

Because you're being rude.

Just say it then.

Well, you're being kind of fucking rude.

Tell me what you would have said.

A bottle of water.

Well, can I please have a sip of that?

Because you thought I was going to say my penis.

Why?

As shit.

Hell yeah.

I can show you my dick.

A whole new dick.

A whole new dick.

I grew a new dick for you.

This one doesn't have any diseases.

A whole new thing for you.

You're getting fucking SRS because you think it cures HIV.

What's SRS?

Sexual reviews.

Sex reassignment.

You're like, only gay guys get HIV.

If I'm a girl, girl,

the doctor's like, sure, that's how it works.

You got it in cash, right?

You got the $300.

$300 is just like women's multivitamins that they give you.

Here's the long con.

You have a disease dick.

You get gender reassignment to a pussy.

You get that pussy reassigned back to the new dick.

It's like laundering money.

Yeah.

Smart.

Yeah.

That's smart play.

And after $45,000 spent on

plastic surgeries.

What if that did cure AIDS?

If you had AIDS, would you become a lady to not have AIDS anymore?

I was was thinking of actually setting up, it's sort of a pyramid scheme, sort of a Ponzi scheme.

I'm listening.

You set up an SRS place where you sign people up for the surgeries, right?

But it's an installment plan.

Okay.

But you do guys and girls, right?

So you just put it in the game.

I know where you're going.

Yep.

So you put the dicks on file.

Exactly.

You cut them off.

On ice.

On ice.

And then when the girls come in playing dicks, you sew them on, but you've already collected the money from the other guy.

And then you just live off the float.

You do the float.

You skim.

Yeah, you use the float to invest in other shady businesses.

I love this.

And here's the thing: here's what you're not even thinking about.

It's the free market.

It's capitalism.

They bid on the nicest cops.

They bid on the nicest ones.

Right.

So they're make it more expensive.

Exactly.

Thicker longer.

They're garbage to people.

You're taking one man's trash

and selling it to somebody who can't afford some treasure.

You could cut their clips off, too.

Probably.

Just Gordon Gecko's speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, greed.

I love it, dude.

That's just a good boost.

I'm racist actor Michael Douglas.

Hello, I'm racist, and I'm Michael Douglas.

We have to talk about the Chinese.

They're always sneaking up on me.

Is anyone tired of the way the Chinese sneak up on you

while you're getting fucked?

While you're eating while someone's...

The one thing I fear most about going to prison is someone making love to my ass.

Oh, man.

I'm simply not prepared for it.

I'm white-collar criminal Michael Douglas.

There's one thing I fear, it's going to prison and having my ass made love to.

a fellow white-collar criminal gently caressing my ass is a brutish violent criminal making love to my anus

comes into my cell and says do you want to make love

not today please but it doesn't matter i'm tired i'm tired had a bad day here in prison oh man we watched that fucking uh we watched the first episode of the black mirror show where it's literally last few black guys having gay sex

through Street Fighter.

What?

It was incredible, dude.

That's one of the serious.

I saw Nick did a tweet about it.

I thought it was a joke.

Me, too.

It was the stupidest thing I've ever.

I mean, it was incredible.

That and the

Sav and I also in Toronto did watch the Gabriel Fluffy Iglesias reality.

That was awesome stuff.

Which was mind-boggling.

Yeah.

They were doing wrestling matches.

Fluffy and like his

have a restaurant.

Which are basically five adult men who have decided that they were going to be completely supported by

Fluffy, sure.

If I was making Fluffy money, you better believe I would travel everywhere with Eldis and my brothers.

But that's your Fluffy crew is like way better.

Yeah, for sure.

His crew is just some random collection of one guy that's a little bit fatter.

Yeah.

You know, and then a guy that's like

an old man with a handlebar mustache that everyone says is like crazy.

Yep.

Yeah, it was just an incredibly whack crew.

I know.

And then they're just over laughing at every one of fucking Fluffy's jokes.

You can tell.

Like, like, you know, like fucking Syl and everyone laughing at fucking Tony's jokes.

Oh, fuck.

But yeah, man, that shit was awesome.

The Black Mirror shit was so good.

Yeah, I watched like maybe five minutes of it earlier, and then I didn't finish it.

The Black Mirror thing?

I went through it last night, and it's just like, there's no point to it.

No, no.

Like, what conclusion are you supposed to draw from that?

Because it's not even like, like, they're not even gay.

They're only gay.

One of the guys is a woman in the game.

Yeah.

And

he gets fucked in his pussy, but he doesn't have a pussy.

So does anything happen, or is it just well?

They keep fucking, and one of the guys is married.

And then his wife finds out.

And, well, she doesn't find out, but he admits it because

they meet up.

They're like, we got to figure this out once and for all.

So they meet up in an alley to kiss.

Yeah.

They're like, we got to see, are we actually gay or are we just gay on PlayStation?

And then they kiss and they're like, well, it really feels like a Key and Peel sketch about Black Mirror.

That's crazy.

Yes, I would love to watch the Keyn Peel sketch.

You know, if those drag queens and street hustlers at Stonewall would have seen that on television, they would have cried.

They would have said, we finally made it.

Well, then they fist fight.

Because the guy's the woman who gets fucked and is single.

He's like, come on, man, I need it.

Nothing feels as good.

He gives a speech about how he tried to fuck other guys online and none of them fuck him as good as him.

Do they feel like they're fucking?

So the guy's trans

on PlayStation.

Yeah, they feel like they're fucking.

It's like VR.

Oh, okay.

So the guy gives a speech.

He's like, no, I have a wife.

Yeah, so presumably he's sitting there on the couch just nutting in his pain.

Yeah, they never explain.

Son is like playing with his tricep.

The son is just around there.

And when you go, you just go completely limp when you do it.

So it's just like a guy like this.

It's like real fucking.

Wow, yeah.

That's the way Nick feels it.

That's how it is.

I just sit there while she's like, come on.

Yeah.

You're like, suck it.

Yeah, just you do everything.

Come on.

I'm thinking about PlayStation.

That's insane.

Yeah, it's like real sex.

You sit there with the controller in your hand and

try to look around her and continue playing Red Dead Redemption.

Anyway, so they fight.

They start fist fighting, and then the cops pull up, and it would have been hilarious.

And then they both got police brutality.

Those got brutality.

No, but it was a black-on-black crime.

Yes.

So, so those lives matter, Nick DePaul.

Do those lives matter.

And they're watching this show Black Mirror.

They should call it Black Faggots.

I don't know if this is just the first episode of this show,

but I.

I mean, look, I already thought video games were a fucking bad idea.

But hey, listen.

Anyways, thanks for coming to my special.

Anyway, so it ends, he explains it to his wife, presumably.

I don't know.

We kind of weren't paying attention.

But it ends with once a month they have gay PlayStation sex.

And his wife goes out and gets piped by a real guy.

Oh, so they have an arrangement.

Yeah, they get it.

So his mistress, and by the way, they're best friends from like college or whatever.

Oh, so it's like his friend.

It's like you meeting up with like Ari once a month to have gay PlayStation sex.

Well, we do that.

It's called Stardew Valley.

Yo sex and Stardew Valley.

Yeah, no, I mean, we just have a loving, gay, sexless relationship.

We go farm.

Yeah, Stardew Valley is Adam's ass cracking anus after Ari nuts on it.

No, you know that I would be the bullet.

That's what Stardew Valley looks like.

No, Ari would.

Ari would definitely top you.

Ari would be the wife.

Everyone knows that.

No, he's so loving and patient.

Yeah, but he would still top you.

He would still top you.

He's still a bad person.

You're clearly a bottom.

You're just a bottom and almost a bunch of people.

I'm taller than him.

probably way more matters.

It makes it funnier.

Yeah.

You would be his like fucking like sort of femme fatale.

Exactly.

He'd be wearing high heels.

Yeah.

He would be in love with you, but you would be his like manic pixie that he would just savvy as fuck.

Yeah.

They would just

all day and he'd be a manic.

You wouldn't take it out on your ass.

Okay.

So I'd be topping from the bottom.

Is that what we're saying?

No, you need to be aware of that.

No, that would be a topic.

That would count as a top from the bottom because, you know, like you would just

from the bottom, which is the most powerful kind of top.

No, no one knows that.

If you read the trades, you find out the gig sex trades.

I just read the trades.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Inside Insider.

Inside Adam's asshole.

Instead of inside Amy Schumer.

Okay.

Inside Adam Friedland's asshole.

Fuck my fucking pussy.

Dan, there's a lot of.

We should go back to Japan just for more riffing.

We should go to other countries just to make fun of shit.

I don't want to go to Japan.

Yeah, not Japan again, but you know, we should go to Africa.

No, no.

Yeah, we could.

We can go stay with my grandmother.

No, let's not do that.

Let's go to Nigeria.

I cannot go to Nigeria with you, man.

Why?

To go to Lagos

everywhere.

I do want to go to a big-ass city.

What's the biggest city in Africa?

I mean, there's probably

Cairo.

Okay.

Or Lawrence.

It's the capital in Nigeria.

It's pretty big.

I want to go there.

I want to go to Cairo.

Cairo is huge.

I want to go to.

I love big cities, baby.

But Cairo is like anarchy.

You know, it's

crazy.

Sounds racist to me, man.

You know.

What do you mean, race?

You think it's anarchy?

I think it's an anarchist.

I think anarchy is cool, dude.

Yes, I do.

Are you an anarcho-punk?

I'm I'm an anarcho-primitivist.

I love that, dude.

That's so cool.

What is that?

I'm into living off the fat of the land, off the grid.

So, a marauder?

A marauder.

Are you a marauder?

I'm a midnight marauder.

Yeah, we could go.

What's another big city?

We can go to Mexico City?

I want to go there for sure.

Dude,

I went there two years ago.

I don't want to go anymore.

Oh,

I don't think that's a cool plan.

I don't want to go there anymore.

Me and Stav are going to Veracruz.

Sao Paulo.

That's big.

Rio.

We should go to Buenos Aires.

Where's that?

Argentina.

Argentina.

Yeah.

Get some of that Nazi pussy.

Yes, dude.

And it's Primo.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You could do that in Brazil, too.

No, I want the good shit.

Yeah, that's an Argentinian pussy in the world.

It's double racist in Argentina.

Well, they got away with it.

You come in them and they only produce twins.

There was a town.

A good doctor's dream.

There was a town in Brazil.

I was watching some history channel, like fake TV show.

Yeah, where it was like they had more twins than anywhere else in the world.

And that's where what's a sports.

And they think that that's where Mengele went.

But it doesn't sound true.

Well, Pride is ending.

What's the next month?

That's next.

So Pride is June.

Retard month?

Retard month is July.

Yeah.

But nobody tells tells him it's just a week.

Oh, it's WeTod month.

Puerto Rican?

Oh, wow, it's WeTod month again.

Do Puerto Rican.

Flag is just a bib.

Yep.

There you go.

Yep.

Why are you rolling your eyes at that?

I'm not rolling my eyes.

Or, you know, whatever that expression is.

It wasn't rolling it.

I was feeling like that's too much.

No, it's not too much.

Let them have it.

They deserve it.

I know.

Target just has like a whole Velcro section.

The Velcro.

A whole fucking Velcro.

I was born this way.

And it's like, yeah, I know.

It's not a choice.

I would choose it.

It's not a choice.

I was just born this way.

Yeah, I don't think anyone thought it was a choice.

You can't choose not to.

Yeah, there are a lot of fakers out there.

There are.

Trying to pretend.

A lot of people, I think, are saying they're autistic now.

That feels like like it's a wave.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

Well, I mean, you know, there probably are more autistic people now because of the internet.

It's a spectrum.

Does the internet make you autistic?

No, if just more and more people are socialized solely through text, it's like obviously they're not going to develop like.

You just mean people with bad social skills.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I think that that's.

I think it's probably not true.

Yeah.

Provides a guess.

I don't think they're autistic, but I think they have bad social skills.

Yeah, but that's not autism.

No.

Yeah, that's what we just said, bitch.

I mean, like, if you have real autism, like, like, if you're on the far end of the spectrum, you can't fucking talk.

Yeah.

That's true.

Yeah.

You want to brag about other stuff, you know?

I don't know that.

I just.

You just guessed.

I guess.

That was great when we saw that statue of Simon Bolivar and you couldn't help yourself.

No, I didn't say who it was.

I asked, asked, and you were frothing at the mouth.

I could not wait.

I was like, who is that?

It literally was 30 seconds, and you just said it.

You whispered it to me so Nick wouldn't hear.

Yeah, that's your shaving haircut.

He's a Latin Revolution.

Simon Balsuckivar.

I believe he is named after him.

Oh, yeah.

Balsakvia.

That's where I'm with.

Ball suckvia.

Get my nuts sucked in Balsukvia.

Suck on my penis.

Suck, my dude.

I'm gay.

Shave and a haircut.

Is that in Back to the Future?

No, it's Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

That's right.

Roger Can't Resistance.

That's right.

So, like, they're in that hideout in the fucking bar.

That's something that he's, like, watching the, you know,

Doctor Doom, whatever, Judge Doom or whatever that guy's name is.

You know,

there's only one thing that Doom can't resist.

You know, and he's going around doing like shaving a haircut.

Yeah, yeah.

And then fucking Roger Burton.

Salute to Roger, dude.

You can't help but do bits.

Salute.

Roger's truly one of us, dude.

Yeah.

Dude, I'll tell you.

He gets fine pussy.

Roger Rabbit is my personal Jesus Christ in a way.

That's a good guy to be.

Yeah.

Getting just busty ass.

The absolute hottest girl ever.

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

The hottest girl ever.

Oh, man.

The way.

I might beat off that cartoon later tonight, man.

I love Roger.

He makes me laugh.

There was a porn star, a real-life porn star named Jessica Rabbit.

Yeah, but she just had red hair.

She had red hair and big teeth.

She did not look nearly as good.

There was, there have been plenty of, like, you can find some cosplay, but none of them really scratch the itch.

Wait, you want to see the rabbit man?

I want to see Roger Rabbit fuck her.

You want to see a little rabbit man?

You want to see a rabbit man

like fuck like

bunnies.

Exactly.

Just bust quick.

She's on all fours.

Can you imagine?

He's really...

I told you guys I saw two bears having sex with a zoo a couple weeks ago.

One of the most tremendous things I've ever seen.

Yeah, what's his name?

It was Tim Dylan.

Another fat guy.

Not me.

Stop.

Fuck.

It was you and fuck.

Fucked me.

I didn't really care to that one.

You did, dude.

You shouldn't have said not me.

I fucked the money up.

Oh, fuck.

I can feel this shit stretching my whole life.

Yeah, I think.

No, no, you don't.

You don't think that.

I think you're going to have a great shit after the show.

Yeah, I got to figure out what I'm doing for dinner.

You can eat my cheeks.

Well, he's going to this beef place now.

It's got me thinking steak.

Yeah, but we got to find our own place because he only made a reservation a week ago for him and his girlfriend.

I know.

No, I called to see if we can get four.

They said no.

But they put me on a waiting list and they said,

I said, Can you put me for two or for four?

Oh, yeah, interesting.

Two or four.

I'm going to call them, hi.

Um, my name is Adam Friedland.

No, did I ever say two or four?

Yeah, or did you say two?

Actually, call them up.

Come on up as Mr.

Friedland.

Hi, Elden.

No, that's not what I sound like.

Everyone knows that's not what I sound like.

Hi, my name is.

Oh, Adam.

Oh, yes.

Hey, PR, it's a gay man who called last week who said,

Can I have table for two?

And we said, We have a table for four.

And he says, No, it must only be two.

And he said, Well, we only have reservations available for four people.

The two-seater tables are all booked.

And he said, No,

there has to be a way where there is only a table left for two people.

Remember him, the gay man from last week.

He was so gay that even us in Montreal

seemed gay of people who left here.

The people who left France to have even more gay sex.

Even gay sex.

To have even

more gay sex

and boost into each other's ass.

Sexual, gay sexual.

I cannot wait to get fucked by a man.

You can call me.

Anyways, yes, it's you.

How am I?

Oh, nothing.

You explained the at.

Anyway,

I can't wait to go to Boost Plus.

Boost Plus is a freaking bust.

Guys, if you're around on Friday night, we're in Ottawa.

Please come buy tickets to our Canadian shaves.

Ooh, we're doing two plugs this episode.

Two plugs.

We need to sell them.

Double butt plugs.

We got to sell these tickies.

As we stated before,

it's like two shows in one.

We do an hour and a half of stand-up.

And then a live podcast after that.

Gary is nice.

You know, whenever I go anywhere else in the U.S., I'm like, oh, I'm glad I live in New York because I wouldn't really want to live anywhere else.

I feel like Toronto and Montreal are places I could live.

I don't know if I could live there, but it's like it does make me feel like it's really nice to visit here.

It does make me feel like I don't have to live in New York.

Yeah.

I want to live in Amsterdam.

I want to retire there, dude.

Yeah, dude.

I'm moving to Prague.

It's good shit.

We have a little Euro getting in the halfway music.

Adam, where are you going to live in the European retirement fantasy?

Well, it's not part of Europe, but Tel Aviv or Jerusalem.

There's a a lot of places.

The bank.

Yeah, the bank.

Adam's got his eyes.

You know, the occupied West Bank.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some nice property there.

If they didn't want us to happen, why'd they call it the bank?

That's true.

That's a good point.

That should be

at any moment now.

If the plans of Adam and his family come to fruition.

What?

My family and I have no plans other than to, you know,

well, your family large, writ large.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's true.

All right, folks.

Well, catch us in Canada.

We'll be back.

Are you cutting it off?

No.

Yeah, he is.

I was.

You are.

I thought you gave me a look.

No, no, no.

I'll give you a look.

Okay, well, let's see.

Do you have to go?

Is it close to eight?

No.

Oh.

I do have to shit, though.

It's 6:30.

I should probably go.

You got a shower, Dosh, got a shower.

I got to shit.

You're going to be breathing in my shit feeling.

I showered at the place earlier today, the gay men's spa that I went to.

I'm so stupid.

That legitimately got me.

What?

Adam just saying he went to a gay man's spa.

We didn't go to a nice spa.

I'll never not be this fucking stupid.

Oh, never.

It'll get worse.

You get dumber.

You do get dumber.

Yeah, because you know, I feel like my parents used to be smarter.

No.

I think they were.

Maybe I was dumber.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I think they've gotten dumber.

I think people's people get dumber.

You think so?

Everyone but you get dumber, Adam.

I don't get smarter.

You just get smarter and you're smarter than everyone else.

I don't say that.

I've never said that.

I've never claimed to be smarter.

Not a once.

Not a one.

I'm sad for the guy from Flowers for Algernon, not being able to stay smart.

No, but he doesn't like being smart.

But he got pussy.

That's the moral of the story.

But he got pussy.

Yeah, but.

It's an allegory for a guy not being able to get hard.

Interesting.

And getting hard for a while.

Yeah.

That's what it's about.

That's interesting.

And then hormones for Algernon.

Well,

all right, folks.

We'll catch you

again if you're at you at Fortnite.

Montreal tomorrow night.

If you're in New York,

Fat Tuesday is fine.

Bye, guys.

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