Ep. 159 – Matt and Shane

Hey guys, cooler temperatures are rolling in and as always Quince is where I'm turning for false staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots the quality holds up and the price still blows me away.

Quince has the kind of false staples you'll be wearing non-stop, like super soft 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at just 60 bucks.

Their real denim is durable and it fits right and their real leather jackets bring that clean classic edge without the elevated price tag.

What makes Quince different?

They partner directly with ethical factories and they skip the middleman.

So you'll be getting top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

Guys, a lot of people have been asking me what's different about me recently.

I've lied to some of you.

You know, I said I'm going back to the gym.

That's not happening.

I said that, you know, I got a fucking bangs.

That didn't happen either.

What happened is I've been wearing Quince.

And more specifically, I've been wearing their 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash T-A-F-S for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com/slash T-A-F-S.

Free shipping, 365-day returns, quince.com/slash tabs.

I was sipping my latte when my friend gasped.

Her phone had just alerted her to a data breach.

Again, that's when I told her about CAPE.

It's not just another app, it's a mobile carrier built to protect your privacy.

No name, no address, no data collected.

CAPE offers premium nationwide service for $99 a month.

First month, just $30.

Use code CAPE33 and get 33% off your first six months.

She signed up that afternoon.

And now, no more gasps.

Go to CAPE.co.

Privacy starts at the source.

Holy fucking shit, dude, we're in.

We're going.

I guess since I'm like, you guys can just run it like your podcast.

I'll do my read and then we'll upload it.

This will be our podcast, but that's cool.

How's that sound?

Yeah, so

Adam has no idea that I've just completely cut him out of the team.

Cut the team.

A little internal cue.

Which has been a dream of mine to do for a while.

But yeah, welcome to the new Come Town, which is just a different podcast.

Totally different.

Almost entirely.

Yes, dude.

Yeah.

Stop's dead.

Adam's on birthright.

Is he actually?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

He's in Israel right now?

Adam is in Israel right now.

He's 32 years old.

Is that a late birthright?

Is he going for the Jesus treatment?

Yeah,

you get to go.

Bad timing.

It's a late birthright.

Yeah.

I mean, he's not actually on.

He's just a Jewish person.

He's just a Jay traveling.

He's back in New York, and I'm not.

Yeah.

When do you go on birthright?

When you're like 17 or something.

I think you can go until you're 17.

When you're at your fucking hottest.

Yeah, sure.

Because they let non-Jews

send those 17-year-olds back and you come in them and create more J's.

Yeah.

Yeah, all their community-based community-based shit is just based around making people fuck each other to create more Jews.

I can see that.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

You're like, all the other buttons are pushed down besides this one, so

push it as well.

Do you know what any of those do?

No.

Nice.

Not really.

We've been operating that thing for two years, and we have no idea what we're talking about.

With a lot of freaking knobs.

Just turning it, hitting buttons.

Just too many.

I just wait till people talk, and when I see the purple grow while that person's talking, to a certain extent, I'm like, we're good.

we got him.

Now we're flying.

Perfect.

There he goes.

Wait, okay.

Are you a regular DJ too?

Do you like DJ like music and stuff?

Do you're a VJ?

A VJ?

I'm more of a VJ.

Music video selector.

Oh, hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Do they still do that?

The MTV doesn't.

What is on MTV now?

I think it's just like pregnant people.

I think it's just gay people kissing.

Gay teenagers having their first kiss.

Just hours and hours of gay first kiss.

What is it, for real?

This is gay teenage sex.

This is gay teenage sex on a baby.

Catfish?

They still do catfish?

It's 13-year-olds getting...

We watched that one show

Life According to Jazz.

Yeah, Jazz.

Oh, Jazz was that fucking trans kid.

Trans kid, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is hilarious because she's, like, rich and then her friends aren't.

Oh, really?

So, like, she has one friend that's just some, like, poor Mexican man that looks like a day laborer That's, like, the way they've transitioned is by getting, like, pink earrings from Claire's.

And then the rest of it is still, like, a 230-pound Mexican man.

And jazz is just, like, decked out with, like, the nicest surgeries.

And, like...

Jazz is fucking smoking.

Yeah.

I think I've seen jazz.

Jazz is hot.

Is the friend also trans?

Yeah, all the friends are trans.

It's a whole squad of trans?

So, yeah, it's a squad of trans, yeah.

You're saying that, but they're too poor to be hot.

The Mexican friend is too poor to be hot.

Like difference in economic status already is difficult with friendships.

The jazz looks like a girl, and then the Mexican one looks like a guess who character.

Like, I mean, like, barely, it's like a shitty disguise.

That sucks.

Yeah.

Did you ever see that little

money, dude?

Dude, you need to make that switch.

Oh, for sure.

You need to be getting paid to trans, dude.

Well, it's like Hunger Games.

Like, all the goofy, fucking wacky people, they're the ones who are watching everybody else.

The people who get to look however they want and do whatever they want, they're the ones who are watching.

They're like, goofies and wackies.

No, but I'm saying they get

that.

Spoofy wackies.

Eddie.

Oh, too loud?

No, you're fine.

For some reason, it's just your mic is going up like super loud.

It's because I laugh really loud.

I'll pull it away.

I'll pull it away when I laugh.

Yeah, because your other stuff looks fine.

I'm like making sure I'm actually bringing you through the right way.

Is it clipping?

And stop screams all the time.

It doesn't matter.

It's getting there.

I'm just making sure.

So we should be good.

I just don't want to.

That's my nightmares.

to completely blow the sound.

But we're good.

I have faith that we're good.

You're going to pause it and listen to it?

Yeah, let me see.

Do you listen to the podcast after you record it?

My bad.

Fix the technical difficulties.

We're in.

Nice.

So you were saying, Abby.

What was I saying?

You were saying something about.

No, it's just like it is a luxury.

No, they can.

They don't deserve it.

They didn't get to that point of the Hunger Games yet.

Right, right, right.

They're not there yet.

But once they have the money, they'll get to watch it.

You just know there's like Appalachian Rednecks doing their own surgery.

I'm like a pussy.

Talk about transfer.

You think there's transactions?

I'm like a pussy myself right now.

I don't know.

But turning possum inside out,

I'm still wanting to do it.

I would support a redneck dad.

I can't buy it for you, but I'll make it for you.

I let a family of possums chew my dick and balls off, and then in the hole, I jammed one of their babies.

I like Abby's idea of mandated military service for trans people.

That's a good one for trans people.

Yeah.

Thank you for interpreting.

You know, I didn't even know that's what I was saying.

And now that you said that, I I was like, that is what I meant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's 2020 stuff.

That's a story.

I think so.

I feel that's

really ironically.

You can just like, you know, they don't even need to pay for the surgery.

You just step on a fucking roadside bomb and then, you know,

they're like, well,

I'm starting half.

I'm starting from scratch.

Maybe you'd put back, you're saying so you'd be put back together the way you want.

Yeah, exactly.

That's fair.

I love those videos of the veterans that are like, you know, they came back from Iraq, like both arms, legs, or both, like one arm

dick's gone, the whole bottom gone, but then that one arm, they were just doing curls all over.

That one arm is like, yeah, what's up?

I'm 3'7,

78 pounds, fucking all muscle.

All arm wrestle.

He's like an all-real monsters character.

Just holding his eyeballs.

He's got that one arm with just covered in veins and tribal tattoos.

So you know, if you fuck with him on his terms, you're gonna kill him.

Dude, you ever see that legless dude wrestle?

The guy with no half?

He's an audio monster.

He really is an aural monster.

He's a crumb.

He fucks people up.

He's a crumb, and he fucking murders people.

Is it because they have low expectations?

No, it's not.

No, center red.

He has no legs, dude.

Whoever gets lowest.

He has nothing to grab on.

Whoever gets lowest wins.

He's

instantly set up for a takedown.

I think they should.

They take anybody that's like a quadruple amputee, and they do a new MMA where they put, like, they pair them up with each other, but then they're placed in cannons that are pointed to the middle of the room.

And then you fire them, and whichever one survives is the winner.

That's pretty fair.

I know.

I mean, these are just some ideas I have for deposit or the new MT.

Make sure to write them down.

How would you address the concussion issue with that?

What do you mean?

You have to make sure they don't fall.

I wouldn't.

Fair enough.

See, the best thing about the guy with half the wrestler,

they don't adjust his

uniform.

Will Smith is the hospital guy that discovers that that is bad for people?

Putting them in the cannon is bad for them.

They are getting brain damage.

They're trying to cover it up.

They're getting brain damage from being launched into each other's faces.

No one cares about the research.

Yeah, there's whole centers in Africa dedicated towards like breaking the figuring out like concussions in sports.

Oh, really?

That was Will.

Yeah, well, in that movie, he was from Africa and he came through and was like, yo.

Wait, Africa is trying to fucking save us?

Yeah, that's funny.

What concussion is about?

Fuck them.

Concussion is about Will Smith from Africa.

He was like, you guys don't understand.

That's a whole movie, yeah.

Everyone's like, don't you have AIDS?

Yeah, why don't you worry about that?

You had your AIDS.

NFL.

Traumatic brain injury is no joke.

Why don't you get some clean water and we'll talk fucking head injuries?

Yeah, dude.

I can't get that.

You missed a good Asian, dude.

We saw a good Asian down at 7-Eleven.

Get this, a middle-aged Chinese guy who tripped.

Can you imagine?

I'm guessing he didn't.

And we're walking out.

We're walking out.

He was struggling to get up the curb.

He couldn't get up the curb.

I couldn't tell if he was was like drunk or something.

He was like, he seemed off.

What did he say to us?

He's like, what's up, guys?

Oh, it's okay.

He was like trying to get up a curb after he tripped.

Oh, what's up, guys?

He played it off.

Yeah, he played it off real cool.

But I don't think he was playing off the tripping.

I think he was playing off the last 42 years of being a Chinese guy.

I do.

I want to.

He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, what's up, dude?

I'm like a regular guy.

I'm a Chinese.

I was like, get in the camera system.

Not Chinese at all.

I would love to see a film that was just like Asian people in a rush.

Do you ever see that in the city when they'll just start running?

I would love just a compilation of just like seeing the red light and grabbing your backpack and just rushing.

Set up a camera at Drexel.

I would go down and get coffee.

Every once in a while, you'd see a Tokyo partner spring to class.

They grip both strips of the backpack and put their head down and it's high.

It's an anime run.

It's efficient.

It's smart.

It gets you to where you need to be passing.

That's why they're ahead.

Yeah, it's not embarrassing.

It's fucking funny.

So that's the thing that's nice about being Chinese.

If you do something embarrassing, no one knows it's you.

I saw this Chinese guy do something stupid.

No one's going to be like, oh, it's that specific Chinese.

He could walk in here.

We saw that guy 30 minutes ago.

We would be like, oh, you got to hear about this other Chinese guy you saw.

And it's like, oh, yeah, I've never heard of such a man in my life.

He couldn't get up a curve.

What the absolute cruises is.

What's up, guys?

After 7-Eleven?

What's up?

Oh, that sparked that.

I got to hear that fucking New York Chinese accent.

Yeah, Yeah, we were just talking about how Chinatown has Chinese guys that have a half Chinese, half New York accent, which is unique to China.

We're like, yeah, these motherfuckers won't come by and say I owe $20.

I don't know about that.

Maybe I'll talk to him later.

That's just a Cambodian.

What a Cambodian accent.

We have thugged out Cambodians in Philly, and you literally just brought me back to 2006.

Maybe it's just urban Chinese.

Yeah, dude, that was weird.

I knew one guy like that who was a Cambodian dude who literally, you'd always say do.

You know what I'm saying?

Do.

Yeah.

What kind of just cracked open the case on thug Cambodians, dude?

That's a sick and twisted world you want to get into.

Well, yes.

Like, Southeast Asians are fucked up.

Fucked out Cambodians, dude.

Do they like pump iron and shit?

Like, do they get all busted?

Yeah, they just sell down Abby.

They just sell like low-quality.

What's their deal?

Like, how do they, they're all tough guys, but like, what kind of tough guy are they?

Like, are they like low-quality weed?

Okay.

Xanaxes, multiple.

They're just just like fucked up, dude.

These are like wild fucking people, yeah.

They'll kill you.

Whoa, okay, yeah, like they're like their childhood, like kickboxing and like, yeah, you know, being fucking carpet bombed.

They can like kick trees down and shit.

Yeah, can you imagine how much it sucks to be like from a country that was at war with the United States and the United States had not even enough respect to you to publicly declare war?

I don't want people to know it.

Like, you're just like, it's like when you fuck it up,

don't like acknowledge me in public.

And France brings it up, and you're like, shut the fuck up, dude.

I told you that, dude.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, dude, we're just fucking around.

You told Germany I fucked up.

It's casual, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is pretty embarrassing, dude.

People are like, nah, we're not at war with you guys.

Like, no, yeah, you're literally bombing us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nah, it's cool.

It's tight that we were doing that to Pakistan a little bit, though.

They deserve it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pakistan, what are the countries we're at war with right now?

Yemen, we're fucking up.

Venezuela.

Or no, maybe we're not fucking up Yemen enough.

Syria, Venezuela.

Yeah, we funded a lot of like the

genocide in Yemen.

Good, I like that.

Yeah.

Going into Africa.

Africa is going.

The Chinese are getting in there, dude.

Are they, really?

Chinese, Africa.

Oh, yeah.

They invest heavily in Africa.

Yeah.

The Chinese are taking over Africa.

Chinese?

The Chinese.

I'm fucked up right now, man.

I literally...

I blackpilled myself this morning across like seven different just types of videos.

I ended up with that girl I sent you.

What is black pill?

Yeah, what's black pill?

pill?

Black pilling is like kill yourself, red pilling.

So, yeah, exactly.

Black pilling is like it's like red pilling to the extent that you red pill yourself to the extent where you hit the level of black pills, and it's just basically like there's no point, everything's so funny.

Nihilistic, somebody posted

that little girl on the Reddit that was

like making fun of Islam.

They're really

mostly child pornography.

What?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We only fuck, we fuck heavy with child porn.

Yeah,

no, this lady, it's just Pride Month.

It's a 14-year-old girl that she likes.

I was telling my friend in my life.

I don't know.

Retarded naked women end up in your guys' feed.

It's like, I don't know what's ending up in people's feeds.

We're getting the trickle-down effect of that.

Jesus Christ.

What?

That thing I said?

Yes.

Hilarious.

Yeah, that shit's weird.

What?

It's weird, and it's weird the way it's produced.

And people are like, oh, you know, even if she doesn't have a writer, it's funny.

It's like, no, it's just weird.

It's like a bizarre.

It's very strange.

It's just like a 13-year-old girl that produces these sort of like kind of, yeah, red-pilled videos about like you know

Western culture

and shit, but like the jokes are but the friend zone doesn't exist.

You're just a faggot just because

it's nuts.

She made one that was like anti-Islam that was her wearing like a fucking burqa.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, and it's very, very purposely incendiary.

Like she like really

it's like 4chan.

It's just a 14-year-old girl reading 4chan.

She's trying to like quit school, apparently.

It bothers me because a child is more productive than I am.

I know.

Good writing.

She figured it out too.

Good writing.

Like when I heard about those African girls that invented a generator made out of piss, it pissed me off.

I'm like, I could have been doing that.

Yeah, for real.

Fuck these dumbass kids.

Somebody made it for them.

Their dad did it for them.

Your dad set them upstairs.

Yeah.

We made a house out of doo-doo.

I'm like, shut up.

I could have done that.

This fucking volcano.

Fucking stupid doo-doo house.

Yeah, I blackpilled myself pretty hard.

Sorry, getting into sinking the Lusitania.

Oh, get into that, bro.

Dude, I was like, because I was, I wanted to, I was like looking up stuff for like a like.

You watch Boardwalk Empire?

A little bit.

I did see a little bit of a bad thing.

Like when he goes to enlist,

he tells the guy he's enlisting because his brother was on the Lusitania or whatever, and they let him in because he was like, not four refs, but there was some reason he couldn't enlist.

But then you find out at the end of the season, the real reason is because his mom got him drunk and had sex with him.

That hot mom, that fucked me.

I've watched it.

That's so hot.

I'm like, damn, I want my mom to be her, but then fuck me.

Yeah.

At college?

Yeah.

That was ahead of their fucking stepmom face.

What?

Boardwalk Empire?

That fucking fuck scene in Boardwalk Empire.

That's eternal, dude.

Stepmom is not a damn.

Stepmom is just an eternal dude.

He got drunk at a fucking party?

Like a college party?

Yeah.

Is that the finale?

And then she betted him.

Nice.

Damn, dude.

Yeah, I was like looking up.

I was like, I wanted to write a sketch about a dude, like an AE intervention, where the dude just is addicted to black pills.

pills, and then he like black pills the entire crew.

Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

And I ended up like, I'm gonna do research for this and just watch conspiracy videos.

So, wait, on the Lusitania, did you find out they did have arms on there, right?

Suba divers found arms, yeah, they had guns on there.

So, I was trying to, like, do the Germans were right to sink that fucking thing, yeah.

I was doing research and like laughing about it, and then I ended up just calling Spade for like an hour and be like, dude, this is fucking crazy.

And the British were kind of like, Yeah, sink it, please sink that, dude.

Get the U.S.

involved.

The whole thing that they were claiming is that the fuck, who was it?

JP Morgan was like sending out war bonds, and then England, he was selling.

Which stands for Jewish person Morgan, by the way.

That's the most important part of the conspiracy.

What's Rothschild's?

It was in front of our eyes the whole time.

Yeah, he said he was selling war bonds, and then England was about to lose.

They're like, we have to get America involved.

America was unanimously like, nah, we're cool.

Yeah, yeah.

We had a ton of Germans.

All right.

You guys want to go to England?

And they put a bunch of bombs on.

America had a ton of like German and Irish people.

They're like, we're not going to fucking help England.

No, yeah.

Well, it's also, America was mostly non-interviewed.

Well, I guess not after World War I, but that was it.

That's what they said.

It was straw that broke you can't.

Well, no.

So then they did that shit with the main before that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that wasn't that fake.

That was shit.

That was the thing I was reading about.

It might be funny.

And then I guess I just went down this YouTube hole where I was just like, Jesus fucking Christ, dude.

What percentage of the conspiracy theories that you read do you believe?

Well, these aren't even conspiracies.

You don't believe any of them.

Helucidity is not a conspiracy.

Yeah, that's real.

Oh, not that, but like, do you say you go into all these

black-pilled shit?

Like, is a lot of it conspiracy theories or no?

A lot of.

I mean, dude, I think we've been propagandized to the point where no one can tell what's real.

Here's why 9-11 isn't

fake because we can just bomb countries with impunity and people don't give a shit anymore.

Yeah.

Like, you know, you have that.

Even like people that are in the conspiracy theories will be like, which countries are we bombing again?

It's like, I don't know.

Nobody has any idea.

Seven of them.

I mean,

dude, I don't know.

That's the thing.

I don't know.

I just like watching it because it is.

I remember, dude.

Remember, The Ring of Power came out way back when?

It was the very first one that came out.

I was like.

A conspiracy theory movie or something?

It was a DVD.

Oh, my God.

No.

It made its way around.

I saw that at 23 and was just like, oh, Jesus Christ.

I fucking freaked.

That knocked me off my ass out.

It's the same old song, dude, about

the central banks.

They never get in the Jews.

They go to central banks.

Yeah, they go central banks.

They go into that old thing.

It does raise questions.

It's like, why don't they ever involve the Jews in the conspiracy theory?

Oh, they do.

If you watch enough, I know, dude, it all comes down.

Then you go, yeah, and you close your YouTube, you slash it.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

They got me again.

Because it's like, if you're going to start, you might as well go full tilt.

You know what I mean?

No, they like the way they like kind of, it's like a drain thing.

You're out in the outer realm of it, and you go, all right, I can believe this.

And all of a sudden, it's like, and here's another Jewish guy, and this guy was you.

There's a quick thing about the Jews, and you're like, all right, I see what you're saying.

Guys got me again.

I thought I was looking up history.

You were.

If you look up history, you're going to end up being anti-servant movie, pretty much.

Yeah, no, there is a lot of it in there that's pretty funny.

Yeah, dude.

They've got me a bunch of times.

But yeah, I don't know.

The flat earth thing is hilarious, how they're like, well, clearly, if the Earth was a ball, how would water stick to a ball?

They don't believe in gravity.

Yeah.

Well, the whole idea behind the flat earth conspiracy is that if they can get you to believe that the earth is round, they can get you to believe anything.

Yeah.

So by actively denying, it's sort of this like,

I don't know, like first-order conspiracy theory where if you can convince yourself the Earth's flat, then you can reprogram yourself to not believe any of the lies you've been told to by you've been told by authority figures.

But it's fucking retarded.

I mean, no one ever thought there was a flat Earth that was like, that was like

sort of like retconned into like dark age thinking in like the 1800s.

It's like nobody ever really thought the Earth was fucking flat.

Yeah, it was a dome.

Oh, yeah.

The flat Earth.

Oh, right, right.

Well, with the Flat Earth, like when they're talking about Columbus and shit, he thought he was going to sail off the end of the world.

It's like, no, he knew everybody knew that.

No one was going to fucking find the

trip.

They would have done it if they thought they were going to fall off the end of the earth.

There's a good amount of people.

If there's enough people now, there's probably a huge amount of people.

No, no.

How charming charismatic is the person who's convincing people that the fucking.

It'd be like this.

It'd be like if 700 years from now, there's an advertising campaign that says, like, you know, in the 60s, they they thought the moon was made out of cheese.

And no one knew until they went there or whatever.

And then people are like, did you know that for 500 years they thought the moon was made out of cheese?

It's like, no, that was like essentially a joke.

No, they didn't think the fucking earth was flat.

Well, I don't know.

I came across a conspiracy theory.

Have you guys seen Science Test Faith?

My stepdad showed me it.

It's about a piece of communion wafer that turned into actual skin.

Yeah, Jesus' skin.

And a scientist proved that it was beef.

It was of skin.

It was white.

It was white.

Specifically, it was a little piece of skin that was just big enough to say

a white person on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not mine.

Damn, so did communion turn into skin?

Yeah, yeah.

Science, yeah.

Scientists proved that it turned into, it had blood vessels.

And not only that, that it was beaten skin.

It was traumatized skin.

Damn.

So just, I don't know, if you guys want to know.

Oh, I don't know.

I didn't watch it.

I was a fucking faggot skin.

I didn't watch it.

Did anyone eat it?

Oh, I don't think so.

I would have gobbled it.

Well, I mean, as a Catholic, that's nothing new.

Right, right, right, right, right.

It's flesh.

I've seen multiple.

Yeah, I've seen multiple.

I've got like toenails and shit eating that dude.

Yeah.

Reminds me of like the gold member when he's eating like the skin, but that's just

a miracle.

That's just a miracle.

That's a standard Catholic miracle.

That's what all of our dumb parents believe

is that that actually happens every time.

Like, that's the real body of Christ right now.

Yeah, they never sold me on it fully.

What's the argument?

It's consubstantiation versus transubstantiation, the idea that it actually turns into the body of Christ or from a metaphysical standpoint.

Trans is like the definitely eating the body.

Is con like the symbolic understanding?

I think so.

I don't know.

I haven't.

Yeah, that's weird.

I don't give a shit.

Look, I know it's not the real body, but it's sick to pretend this is a real body.

Fair enough.

I don't think it's pretending.

I don't know.

It's kind of like the flatter thing.

You just make yourself believe anything.

I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't know, dude.

How does a fucking water stay on a ball?

These are the questions you got to ask.

How come that Asian couldn't get up that curve?

Exactly, dude.

That's because the Earth was flat.

You think he

was round?

He would have.

Gravity glitched on him.

Well, that's why they have better balance because their face is the same shape as the Earth.

You see, that comes into play?

Instead of calling him moon phase, I call him Earth face.

That's a fair theory.

Hey, what's up, Earth Face?

It's actually kind of an unfair advantage.

Excuse me, don't you mean moon face?

No, I'm like a conspiracy theorist.

Here, let me talk to you for a second.

I've got some YouTube videos I want to show you.

I've seen dudes definitely come in and

just put up points and be like, no, no, I'll show you the YouTube video on that dude.

And anyway, next thing, next thing, like, no, I got the YouTube video on it.

They'll definitely hold it up as, like, that's reality.

I dated that one girl one date who was basically trying to convince me that Germany was fucked up and Hitler wasn't bad in terms of economic stuff.

And I was like, you know, I'm like, do you tell this to anybody?

And she was like, dude, me and my dad watch a YouTube YouTube video all the time.

She's like, the first time we watch it, my dad cried.

And I was like,

it's a Puerto Rican lady, by the way.

Whoa, really?

I was right.

It's a Puerto Rican lady.

Something about him.

How old was she?

Just one YouTube video.

I knew it.

It's got like 48 views.

This guy's crying mentally.

Exactly.

That killed me.

Her dad.

There's literally, again, it was a Puerto Rican lady.

Her dad watched it and was just like, I guess, was so moved.

Like, oh my God, I've been lied to my whole life.

Hitler was a good guy.

There's a lot of people buzzing around on like 75 IQs who just watch that and go like,

the more sophisticated stuff gets to be.

I like that they have a 75 IQ.

It's probably somebody with downs.

Close.

As close as you can get without having that extra comments on it.

Can you imagine being retarded and watching YouTube?

Being retarded being racist?

Yeah,

being retarded being racist is so funny.

People with downs are like dogs where they'll like bark at black dudes if they see them.

Downs will get you.

Only if their parent is scared of them.

They sense it.

It's like, oh, my dad is scared of this person, so now I'm going to bark.

Instead of barking, it's just, hey, Mr., repeatedly.

Hey, Mr.

Hey Mr.

Runs away.

Circles the parents' legs, hey, Mr.

Hey, Mr.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, I'm telling you, we're in a sorry state with the YouTube stuff.

We were talking last time about the guy getting brain.

Now people are coming out like, I was brainwashed by YouTube.

It's not my fault.

Now there's like deep fakes are coming out.

Do you see Zuckerberg's deep fake?

No.

People have been deep faking all these people, and it was Zuckerberg.

What does that mean?

Deep fakes now.

Videos of Mark Zuckerberg getting fucked.

Uh-oh.

It's not like someone could take a video of you and then record your mouth moving to work and recording it.

It's like what Conan used to do.

Yeah.

Conan was a deep fake.

Yeah, just his mouth moving.

He used to release videos of celebrities getting fucked.

It was like a bit.

I'm surprised he's still in such good graces.

We're sliding into just pure propaganda.

Damn.

Stevens.

For who, though?

Everybody.

Yeah.

100%.

I think we're being destabilized from outside countries.

Well, I mean, I go back home and I'm like, I look at the stuff that pops up on.

We do that all the time.

Oh, we do it all the time.

Yeah.

I just don't want anyone doing it to us.

I need to know.

I need to watch shit with like Mike Pompeo trying to

prevent Corbyn from

colluding with fucking Israel to rig Britain's election.

I mean, that's excessive.

Wait, colluding with who?

Israel.

The Israeli lobby.

A Trump meeting with like, you know,

all the interest groups, and they're worried about Germany.

I love Israel.

I love Israel's lobby.

Take a Zuckerberg picture with the flag.

I will.

I stand with Israel.

I do stand with Israel.

What do you like, love about Israel?

Just fucking settling.

Oh, okay.

Settlements and shit.

Colonial colonialism.

Love colonialism, dude.

Well, theirs was kind of like because of colonial Williamsburg.

Everybody says colonialism sucks, but I went there and there's like a blacksmith.

It's pretty tight.

I'd like turtle soup.

Yeah, you get to make your own, like, you make your own hoe cakes from cornmeal.

That's great.

I don't know.

That seems like a lot better than whatever's going on in Vietnam.

I got in trouble at Williamsburg.

We went on a field trip in fifth grade, and they made me count bricks.

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know.

I was laughing during the fucking time.

They went to see if you could.

They were like, can this kid fucking count?

Punishment.

They made me go count bricks.

What?

Yeah.

That's fucking weird.

Damn.

Are you sure the chaperone wasn't molesting one of the other kids?

Me and Marcus are going to go behind the

stock.

Show him, yeah.

Put a kid in the stocks.

Do you ever get hit in school?

No.

In school?

Like, by a teacher?

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

I caught a smack.

You caught a smack by who?

Are you 70 years old?

Dude, 30 years.

Half.

I had a teacher kick a kid.

Did you really?

Yeah, he was rolling on the ground.

Oh,

yeah.

I got

in the office by my ear, but that's about as physical as it ever was.

No, that's not.

That's pretty physical.

I would call that in the club, dude.

I got smacked by the principal for jumping out of the fire escape of the bus.

We're doing the drill, and I jumped on someone.

They literally pulled me up, smacked my butt, and sent me inside.

Oh, okay.

When I heard smack, I thought it was in the face.

A smack on the butt.

Smack on a butt is equally problematic, dude.

It's equally, no, it's not.

A smack to the face is way more traumatic than a smack to the butt.

Her finger went in my butthole.

No, okay, well,

all right.

Well, you're using a different word.

She's like a supportive smack in the face.

She goosed me.

Baseball coaches are going to be like, great fucking job, dude.

If you're a mobster, you you can be like, yeah, but you're not a mobster.

You're a good mobile.

My principal goosed me.

I would have stayed for the record.

My principal goosed me.

Now that I remember it, she went like this.

It gave me like a fucking full goose.

Damn, I forgot about that.

Second-grade teacher, fucking this kid was laying on the ground having a tantrum, and he kicked her.

And she was like, you kick me, I'll fucking kick you.

And she kicked him like hard.

He was crying.

She kicked him.

He was crying.

Okay, well, it was an eye for an eye.

That's fair.

She was second grader, and she kicked him.

Pretty sick.

Like

a stomp or like a just a.

No, it was a kick to the gut.

He was laying on his side.

We had like a lunch helper who like just like openly beat a kid in the recess yard and everyone was just like, what are you doing?

She's like, no, this is what I do for my kids.

Like, no, you can't hit this kid.

And she was not allowed to monitor recess anymore.

Yeah.

She was a big dog, too.

Especially since she works in the lunch department.

She's a boss.

Like, I want him to be better at lunch.

What happens when he's a grown man?

He's eating all like rocks and grass.

Fucking everyone's looking at him weird.

These are skills you need for later in life is to have fucking sloppy Joes.

You don't learn this shit.

It was lunch.

The cafeteria lady thinking they're a teacher.

I got to teach these faggots how to eat lunch.

Yeah, she was banned.

Getting banned in like 95 from a volunteer recess lady, you had to fuck up, dude.

Damn.

She jacked this kid.

I remember I was playing.

It was just like, okay.

Just playing.

I was like, not phased.

Hitting kids, hitting strangers' kids is the fucking moon.

I'm going to start a school where you can do it.

It's hard not to do it.

I remember this fat guy guy telling me one time, and like, I wasn't friends with him, and I didn't like him, and he didn't know.

He was like a comedian.

And he was like telling me about being in line at Popeyes, and he's like, there's this obnoxious kid behind me.

This woman's not controlling her child.

And he's like, and I tell you, the sound a five-year-old makes when a 350-pound man

sneakily shifts his weight onto that child's foot is heavenly.

Jesus Christ.

I'm like, wait, do you mean to to tell me you spitefully, physically abused someone else's child because they were annoying you in line at the fried chicken restaurant?

And he was like, damn.

Well, yeah.

You know, he thought he'd be like, I mean, if you put it that way.

Yeah, I didn't know that was like a cool story to tell.

I didn't know that was in the fat guy's arsenal, just a foot crush.

Yeah, yeah, you don't want to crush it.

Totally.

That's like a big move for us.

Just a foot crush on a kid?

Excuse me.

Or if they're laying down, you stand on them and walk over them.

Oh, yeah.

That's another move.

Now, damn, now I know, though, if I ever get my foot crushed, if it's a hefty gentleman, I'm going to be like, all right.

What did I do?

I know what the fuck you're up to.

Here comes a fucking goose, dude.

Here comes a power.

You'd have to goose him hard, dude.

Get to like a 350-pound ass.

You'd have to eiger uppercut him.

Did you question his the way he crushed this guy's foot?

No, I mean, I had limited interaction with the guy.

It was like, oh, yeah, nice.

Yeah, hurting a child is supposed to do it.

Couldn't really do it back to him either.

Because all he wants is that affirmation once he doesn't get to it.

Yeah, that guy really sucked.

He was

so full of him.

So he taught comedy classes and just did shitty one-line.

That's just exactly toxic obesity, dude, at its finest.

Just using your fat.

Throwing your weight around.

Well, I'm going to use my 350 pounds to crush this fucking kid.

Damn.

Sorry.

Teaching a comedy class is just a guarantee you suck.

Not yet.

Almost.

Probably, but God, money is nice, though.

I got kicked out of Helium for it.

For teaching a comedy class?

Yeah, Fit hit me up and was like, Will you do this?

And I was like, I'll do it for a thing.

They're giving me like 35 bucks an hour.

Yeah.

I did, I had everyone come in, and I was like, Look, don't ever pay for one of these ever again.

Totally, exactly.

That's the class.

Like, what are we going to do?

I was like, just go up and all do five minutes.

We didn't have five minutes.

I was like, tough.

Just go up there and talk for five minutes.

Right, right.

I'm like, yeah, I told you.

You started hitting them.

I did.

I brought down the fucking board.

Yeah, then Helium.

He told you to come over and and step on their feet.

Yeah, I was just smacking their fingers with bamboo sticks like an Asian piano teacher.

Nothing yet.

I'm going to wait another minute here.

Nicer.

But

yeah, I taught like defensive driving for a while.

Did you do comedy, defensive driving at Cal?

Yeah, they were like, well, like, try to do jokes.

I was like, no.

Hold on.

You taught defensive driving?

Yeah.

At a comedy club.

At a comedy club.

In Austin.

You just play videos and you read out of it.

Well, I don't think I get in trouble for it now, but you're supposed to, because it's all done through DPS or whatever.

You're supposed to attend all these classes and

observe classes.

It's like this whole qualification process that

my roommate just forged all the documents and

set it up for me.

And then, because he taught defensive driving and it's like some extra money on the side.

He was like, hey, can you teach defensive driving on Monday?

And I thought he he meant like, come with him to defensive driving.

I was like, oh, yeah, sure, I'll come with you.

And he was like, all right.

And then it was like the night before he was leaving.

I didn't know he was leaving.

He's like, hey, we should go by tonight to the club and I can show you where everything is.

I'm like, cool.

So we go to like Cap City, and it's like 11 o'clock at night.

And he's like, yeah, so here's a DVD player.

Here's this, like, this is a file and cabinet just filled with shit, like a milk crate with like papers and stuff.

He's like, here's all the paperwork and stuff.

And this is the binder with all the stuff in it.

And he's like, there's a coffee maker.

You put this in.

Here's where the lights are.

And he's like, so, yeah, I usually lock the door around 8.15.

You don't let anyone in after that.

And he's like, you should be good to go.

And I was like, oh, okay.

And then it was like either that night or the next morning, I wake up.

I'm like, are we heading over there?

He's like, oh, I'm going out of town.

And I was like, wait, so that was like...

Those are the instructions for teaching eight hours of a defensive driving course.

Here's where the stuff is.

And like, this is the coffee maker.

And he's like, yeah, you figure it out.

You know, I was like, I guess.

How'd it go?

Well, I went there and it was like, I'm making the coffee, and then it's already like people are showing up.

So I didn't even have time to look at this stuff.

And then there's like 20 people there, and it's like eight o'clock.

And I'm like, Welcome to Defensive Driving.

She just put on comedians and cars getting coffee.

Well, I did.

That's what I'm training for.

I played every DVD, and like half of them are just like Looney Tunes videos of like, yeah, like 1940s, like, you know, Donald Duck gets into a traffic accident, and it's like, what did Donald do wrong?

I'm like, okay, what did you guys learn from that video?

You know, and who the fuck takes it?

Do you get like points off your insurance or something?

Or like insurance?

Points off your insurance, but well,

money off your insurance is also like, like, or just doesn't go up, right?

Or whatever

if you, you know, have like, because I had to take it one time.

I took it when Andy Ritchie was teaching.

Oh, okay.

And,

like, I know Andy, I'm friends with him, and I'm in the class.

And Andy's like going into his stand-up bitch.

And I'm like,

don't, yeah.

I'm like, don't turn it off.

Were all the people taking the class where they're trying to be funny?

Because it's like people probably go to that, like,

because I took a defensive driving class, and it was a regular one, not even at a comedy club.

And there were a couple people in the class that were trying to make jokes and be the funny ones.

And I'm like, can we just get through the day?

I had to take it actually.

I got my license to spend and I had to get like years prior.

Yeah.

And

there was, like, it was an African guy teaching it, and there was a girl girl sitting next to me, but we were there for like nine hours.

And the African guy, he like had this verbal tick where he would start every other sentence with for example.

Even if it didn't, like, you know, he'd be like, when you are driving, for example, and you come to a ball where you're like, for example, you have to decide who is going to go first, for example.

And, like, so I just had like a note, like, a note card, and I started, like, tallying every time he, like, said it.

And then I was, like, dividing it by how many minutes had passed so I could like average out like how many times he said, for example, per minute.

And there's this girl, like, just weeping next to me because she recognizes that I'm just mocking this African.

And there was like this, like, there was like two, like, there was like a middle-aged white dude that was like relatively kind of like a big guy or what, you know, kind of like a hot-headed guy, but probably had like a job doing like sales for some type of computer thing that he has no idea what it is.

He's just James, I did that before.

One of those guys that's like, yeah, I sell shit.

I don't know what the fuck it is.

I don't know what it is.

I I was selling cars.

They'd be like, what's the horsepower?

Oh, yeah.

Do you sell cars?

Look, I don't, yeah, I sold cars, but it's like, yeah, look, I don't know what this, I don't know any of this computer shit.

It's gay to me, but I sell it.

I can call a guy and be like, what are your thoughts on the cloud?

And they're like, what are you talking about?

Like, you know, like the

information

in the air.

Yeah.

Like, what do you think about it?

They're like, I don't know, man.

Damn, teaching a defensive job class.

You should have opened with a compilation, like a live leak compilation.

Like a live league of people just getting wrecked.

I know it's just like here comes the boom.

There's also this, like, uh,

there was this guy from like Portugal or something who's also like, kind of like a bigger dude wearing like a leather jacket.

And at one point, at one point, he said something about it.

He's like, you know, that's like the problem with America is, you know, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And the fucking white guy's like, don't start that shit in here.

If you don't like it, you can fucking leave.

If you got a problem with that, you can talk to me.

And he was like,

yes.

He's like, he's like,

he's talking about to knock your ass the fuck out.

And it's like, this is how you got into the business.

They all had Road Rage in the car.

Yeah.

The African guy is like, he's like, yes, yes, for example.

I'm blowing right past it.

These guys are about to throw bows over some dumb

9-11 bullshit.

Yeah, this guy's like, he's just heated off 9-11.

Yeah, dude.

He's like one of those,

like, just a faded flag on the back of his car.

That gave me purpose, just being mad about 9-11.

Like, I didn't do anything afterwards.

I didn't volunteer my time.

I just became racist, and that's my contribution.

Never forget.

Anyways, it's so fucking funny.

But yeah, hey, if your dick doesn't work,

check out Blue Chew.com.

Bluechew.com sponsors this podcast and it's probably soon to be.

Hopefully, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.

Yeah.

Have you guys taken, have you gotten any from Gas Digital?

No.

They're great.

It's generic, branded.

Because the thing is, you think that they're only for people that need them.

but the truth is is literally anyone can take this it's a medicine that everyone can take um whether they need it or not and it only you know just in case you want a bonus yeah there might be side effects but i doubt it

it's a performance enhancement for the bedroom i haven't experienced any side effects yeah yeah um i mean i haven't and i've got like really bad heart problems

yeah i'm like kind of in the the key demo for people who shouldn't be fucking around with what you got heart wise i was just like really high blood pressure.

It was like 170 over 110 last year.

Damn.

I know.

It's pretty cool.

You burnt some of that blood from your heart.

It's pretty cool.

All the doctor had to say was like lay off the cocaine.

But we'll see about that.

Not only am I staying on the cocaine, I'm now on Blue Chew's chewable

with the same active ingredients as Viagra and sialis, and they can work faster than pills up to twice as fast.

The chewables from Blue Chew can be taken on a full or empty stomach.

Nice.

You know, so you eat them before or after you eat the pussy.

Can you smash it up and snort it?

Definitely.

Well, yeah, but then they're not chewable anymore.

So, yeah, why don't you just shut up?

Just don't fuck up.

Yeah, you keep yapping, he's gonna need a blue chip.

What if girls take it?

I'm gonna have to get hard to feel.

You can't get a fucking clip fat.

Probably.

Yeah, it probably makes your pussy.

Probably turns into like anime functinari.

I only took like the Viagra one once, but it like made my like because it makes all your like mucous membranes like fuck up like swell up.

So like I felt like I've been like stung by bees.

My nose was all swollen.

So you can fuck, but you look fucking dumb while you're doing it.

I couldn't breathe through my nose.

I was like,

you know, which is

the mouth.

Hold on, but that's a good thing.

Blue Chew says that's how you know it's working.

They have an online physician,

and the consultation is free, so it's cheaper than paying to go to the doctor.

Perfect.

It only takes a few minutes to connect with a a Bluetooth-affiliated physician,

which I imagine is like Dr.

Nick from The Simpsons.

Everybody can take these pills.

And if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly.

No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at the pharmacy.

They shipped directly to your door in discrete packaging.

So, you know, I mean, that doesn't really.

It says custom medical group.

So

I don't know who's going through your mail, but they're like, oh, yeah, this is probably just custom medicine and not something weird.

Yeah.

Chips are from a company called Definitely Books Incorporated.

Definitely just magazines.

The chewables from Blue Chew are prescribed online by a doctor and made in the USA.

It's not Chinese.

I don't know.

Hell yeah.

Real blue-collar union guys making this stuff.

Do your leather jackets oppressing the tools.

Dude, who gets it?

Right.

Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel themselves

have written several songs about the dick pill factory workers.

Gives you confidence in bed every time.

You and your partner will love it.

Chew and do it.

So here's a great deal for you guys.

Visit bluechew.com and get your first order free.

When you use promo code ComeTown, just pay $5 shipping.

That's B-L-U-E-Chew.com, promo code ComeTown, C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

Boom.

That's a read, fellas.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

Let's see Lewis do something like that.

He has to stop and do it the same time.

No, he does does it all in the beginning, but it's an advertisement for himself

for 10 minutes.

When I'm watching Lewis do the reads, they're just like pictures on the pieces.

But it's just like a house and a dog.

He's like,

house dog, beer.

Brought to you by, what's this?

Oh, it's me, Lewis.

That's hilarious.

So, wait, you take Blue Chew?

I have, yeah.

Have you taken it?

Usually when I'm drunk.

I'm scared for the heart stuff.

I feel like I'll have like an erect heart attack and I'll be found.

But I thought you got black pilled.

Aren't you just ready to die?

You're digging.

No, I'm not.

I have a dynamic.

It gets hard with me, anyways.

Yeah, I'm not a nihilist at all.

Oh,

okay.

I'm an eternal optimist.

Even if you watch Black Mirror for more than a few episodes in a row?

I liked the last season.

Oh, I haven't seen it yet.

I love that first episode.

Keep me and Matt were just struggling with it.

With the new season?

Did you see the first episode?

No, is it the one you were telling us?

Yeah, I was just telling them about it.

Oh, God, that's so fucking funny.

That thing's in my brain.

Are you guys all gay?

Are all men that I know gay?

Definitely.

If me and Matt could be.

Well, the creative ones that are funny.

Nice to hang out with.

Yeah, if a guy makes you laugh,

fuck your dad, dude, for sure.

Yeah, if a guy's funny, he's definitely gay.

Really?

For sure, dude.

And then time turns men gay.

Yeah, no, that's true.

Time turns men and you know, just no, yeah.

Time and women turn men gay.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah.

Time with women.

Yeah, the

famous Hemingway quote: Time and women turn men gay.

Once he turned gay, he killed himself.

He was looking outside, he saw a hot guy.

He was like, fuck this.

He's in the middle of the ocean.

He's like, dude, there's no guys here.

Just swordfish.

I don't have to worry about it.

He's going to sword fish in hot Cubans.

God damn it, there's hot Cubans.

It goes guards.

Like, are you okay, sir?

He's like, fuck sailors.

Oh, my gosh.

Know that.

Know that.

Any guy who's like funny and is not like coming home being looked like a picture of like a Ferrari on his laptop, one day it'll be mine.

They're gay.

Well, I don't know.

Ferraris are pretty cool.

Do you have a laptop wallpaper?

No, I have a...

Both of my

nailed it.

It's the moon.

Oh, it's the moon, yeah.

Classic picnic.

Totally gay.

You love the cosmos.

You love the cosmos.

That's like the cosmos.

The moon is like.

You just want to get to the moon with all the other dudes because that's who's going to the moon is other dudes.

Yeah, that's why we're trying to get to Mars.

I do like women can't make that trip.

The moon is still the only place that should draw white white people.

Your period would explode on the moon.

Oh my god, yeah.

All synced up by the moon.

You'd be like Mars up there.

Yeah, it'd be like when Matrix, when Neo goes to that room and meets the architect,

there's just some old bitch that's like, you've been fucked up on purpose.

That's the source for them.

Well, definitely on the moon.

I've been dropping little break froms this whole episode.

I'm finally, we're finally here.

About what being gay or wanting to go to the moon?

Yeah, we're all gay and there's lady controlling periods on the moon.

Yeah, you guys just try to escape us.

Women don't even want to be around each other.

That's why lesbians are like, we're in this together, right?

That's why they're so commitment-based.

They're like, you're doing this too, right?

We're just, we're in this together.

Go ahead, lesbian, try to fuck you.

You do it, I'll do it.

Yeah.

At the gym, she tried to come up and bully you.

You're a fucking stud, get you?

Try to bully you, not a stud.

Not a stud.

This is more of like a

had been to a bunch of lilith fairs and now was like looking into like getting a kid.

She was pretty jacked.

We were the same height.

If you did the specs on us, we had like the same reach, same height.

She came up and was like, you done with the whatever the bar, like the, where you do, like a squat rack thing.

And I wasn't using it, but I was instructed to stand in front of it so I didn't fall into the mirror by the dude who walks around and like tells all the rules.

Well, what were you doing?

I was doing like clean jerk stuff.

So I was doing like, you know, movements where I was throwing the weight up over my head.

I was being a fucking animal in there at seven in the morning.

And the guy told me.

Are you throwing the weight down from overhead?

Do they have a platform?

I wasn't lunking.

No, it's just soft floor.

So I have to do it on the floor.

It's not a platform, but I, every now and again, I'll indulge in a fucking weight slam for sure.

Yeah, slamming and stepping.

I'll drop them down to I don't I don't pick out like from top I'll like drop it control and let go I'm in there my shoes off dude.

I'm in there doing all that stuff

always see when I do compound movements.

So I'm like shatter your foot

possibly

so this lady came up she's like are you using the squat rack and I was like well no but and I started to explain to her like I have I'm doing compound movements I have to I was instructed to stand in front of this thing She was like yeah, but are you using it?

It was like dude, you can't have this right now like

but she's not not wrong.

There's really no reason to be in this quarter.

Because I had to, because it's a small gym and everything else was being used.

And I'm like, if I move here, I'm not going to have room to do what I'm doing.

Right.

And that's what I was saying.

I'm like, I hear what you're saying.

That's why you tell her, like, go find me another spot, come back, and I'll find you.

Yeah,

I literally can't move from the spot I'm in.

And if I had a spot that I could go to, I'm not allowed to be there.

Frankly, I would be annoyed if, like, I'm trying to use the rack and you're just standing two feet in front of it doing cleans.

I totally get it.

But I had no other, my thing was.

Because you were still using a different kind of equipment, just not the.

I had the barbell, but I couldn't go anywhere else.

So she would have, I would have had to stop what I was doing so then she could use a squat rack.

And I'm like, you just have to wait 10 minutes.

So

it was a sticky situation.

And then I went up afterwards.

I'm like, hey, that thing's open.

She kept her back to me and was like, good.

Fuck you.

Damn.

Teed up, dude.

Damn.

That's nice.

But yeah, it was.

I was in a weird situation, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm not going to stop what I'm doing.

And she came up to me, like, using that?

And I was like, yeah,

I'll be like 10 more minutes.

But you're not using the squat rack.

It's like, lady, get the fuck out of my face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Either provide me with a solution or go.

No,

I'll look up the gym and look at the floor plan.

We'll do the floor plan anytime fitness, dude.

Oh, anytime fitness.

So it's packed.

I'll take you guys on a tour, dude.

I'd be like, dude, here was over here, throwing it over my head.

Yeah, man.

It was a tough, it was a tough situation.

It was a tough call on my part, but I stood my ground on her.

Yeah, standing your ground.

Even if it is, it's Pride Month, though, so she's been getting a lot of fucking GS's.

She's probably not right.

But you're funny, so you're gay.

So you also.

It's Pride Month for him, too.

Exactly.

She's like, look, I'm gay.

I don't know if you know this.

Yeah.

Do lesbians and gay guys get along?

No, not at all.

Okay.

Lesbians and gay guys, do they get along?

I don't know.

They're opposites.

I was like mortal enemies.

Yeah.

Interesting.

I've never seen them have already.

Yeah, they're further apart than straight men and straight women.

Yeah, huh.

Wow.

Yeah, because they can just like have no reason to deal with each other.

Yeah.

Yeah, one, they both wish they were each other, and then they're both flamboyant.

Well, gay dudes are flamboyant, and lesbians are fucking like, knock it off, the game's on.

Right, right, right, right, right.

My favorite type of lesbian, I've said it before, but are like the ones that just like sit on like an overpass and smoke cigarettes.

That sounds nice.

Like Cherleys, they're on for like, we got to get out of here.

Let's get out of this town.

Sharon, one of these days we're going to get out of this.

Yeah, they're like six-month planned lesbians.

They're like, we're going to save up money and we're going to fucking get out of here.

I wonder what happens over there.

They fucking get out of town.

Fuck your dad, Sharon.

Lesbians don't get out of town.

I don't think they do.

Yeah, they do.

They go, like, have little workshops out in the suburbs and stuff.

Do they ever get out of town?

Do they ever get Sharon to like out of the roadside motel?

Oh, oh, oh.

It never happens.

Their dad beats Sharon to death.

Dad beats Sharon to death, and the other lesbian has to kill herself.

It's probably what happened to this lady after I hogged her.

Old lesbians.

Old lesbians get out.

She's like, Yeah,

they like divorce their husbands.

She's like Sharon

in the hotel.

I got to go to the gym real quick.

I'll be back in 25 minutes and we'll get out of here.

She's in the gym waiting for a squat rash.

And then she gets back to the motel two hours late and the father's already broken it.

He's already killed Sharon.

Dude, if I knew she was beating Sharon to death, he's drunk.

He's like, what are you, the dyke girlfriend?

She's just remembering you doing cleans in the middle of the fucking gym, using all the equipment at once.

She's like, fuck that gay guy.

If I knew she had it with me.

That hilarious gay guy.

If I knew she was about to get out of here, I'd be like, oh, by all means, please.

She had the car loaded up, dude.

She did have that look in her eyes.

She had that look in her eyes.

They only pack stuff.

What's the rush?

And she's like, you wouldn't understand.

My kayak is tied to the top of my Subaru right now.

I'm about to go out of town on the strip.

Subaru's running in the parking lot.

It's on.

Yeah, dude.

Lesbians don't have cell phones.

They have to see each other.

That's a big cause of death in the lesbian community.

The lesser dyke usually gets left in the car.

It gets too hot while the other one's handling their power cleans.

It's definitely definitely the one power, yeah, for sure.

The butch.

The butch is in there doing cleans.

Needs to be.

Yeah.

That's kind of weird how that happens.

What?

How one just like you know becomes the butch?

One thinks

one of them turns

sag along.

And every lesbian couple, there's one of them who thinks they can boss me off a squat rack.

And it's like, nah, dude, get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

I used to go right at a,

like a, I thought it was a lesbian coffee shop, but I went there recently, and I guess it's a regular coffee shop.

At the time, there was a lot more lesbians.

I don't know, but Bennu and all of that.

They got out of town.

Yeah,

all the dads broke into the coffee shop.

Like, 10 dads broke in at once.

Yeah.

Where's that dynamic girlfriend?

Do you think that's what the

bar?

The bar raid?

Stonewall?

Was that what the ball was?

All the dads played in on it.

It's broken.

We're like, fucking knock it off.

What are you doing, Bob?

Those are mother's pants.

Your mother's been looking for those slacks.

Damn, I want to rewatch Boys Don't Cry Now.

I've never seen it.

Is that what you're Barrymore?

It's a great movie.

No, it's Hillary Swank.

Oh, I don't know it.

What's that about?

It's about like a trans woman that moves to some small town and she starts dating.

That's a bad move.

Yeah, yeah.

Moved to a small town.

She's like, a small town situation.

Chloe Savini, I think, or which I'd say her name wrong.

Adam corrected me on that and I was pissed off.

Because I always thought it was Chloe Savini.

I guess it's like.

Severnay, maybe?

Yeah, Severn.

All right, Adam.

I'm guessing.

I don't even know A-lesters dude.

I can't put a face there.

Will Smith?

No him.

John Cena.

Oh,

it's Will Smith.

So, yeah, she moves to a small town, finds love.

Yeah, starts dating, like, yeah, either Chloe Savini or something.

And she's got these two brothers.

But she's wearing a fake dick the whole time and has a short haircut.

So it's kind of like that movie Just One of the Guys, but it's much funnier.

Because the brothers find out at the end that it's like a

they're like, what, you're a girl?

And then they like rape her and beat her up.

Oh, whoa.

I think so, yeah.

Yeah, dude.

If you were a girl, I would fucking immediately beat you and rape you.

Yeah, dude, if I tricked you with a fake dick,

do they show the fake dick in the movie?

So just constantly wearing the fake dick the whole time.

Like, just like.

I just remember a scene where he's like, she's, like, hooking up, or he or she, I don't know, with the proper, you know, they're hooking up.

So it's like Billy Bob Thornton.

And then she like sneaks in the fake dick while they're fucking.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Whoa, she sneaks.

That's really fucking impressive.

If you can sneak a fucking.

It's also sexual.

Is it one of those ones that aren't?

Oh, sure, but that's impressive stuff.

Is it one of those ones where I just want to go and

for like your porno?

It's just so much good.

I want to get one of those ones for drug tests, but it's fully iraq.

Just stay out of your past.

Yeah, it's like what?

I like being observed.

I like being scrutinized by the system.

I like authoritarian oversight.

Are you allowed to start jerking?

I'm at a fake dildo that comes to my shit.

Be like, what?

It's real.

Because you have to hold those things the whole time.

She would have to like double-hand hold that the whole time.

How big is it?

Damn.

What?

The fake dick in the movie.

I saw this movie like 15 years ago.

I'm sorry.

I can't remember.

Yeah.

You know, Joey, like, holding it.

Yeah.

I can't.

I mean, the only detail I remember is her being raped at the end.

Yeah.

Kind of.

Kind of reminds me of Midnight Cowboy, like the opposite.

Yeah.

He moves to the big city and kind of similar things.

Well, you've seen Just One of the Guys, right?

Oh, it's an 80s comedy.

Was that a girl who tries to be a girl?

Yeah, it's a girl that pretends to be a dude to like, you know, because the guys have it better or whatever.

What happens to her?

She shows her tits at the end, and they're primo.

Does everybody accept her?

She finds out that that's a lot better than being a guy.

All you have to do is show your tits.

When I think of Just One of the Guys, the only thing I remember is the rape scene from Boys Don't Cry.

Jesus Christ.

That's the only thing that popped into mind, so I don't really remember anything.

Does it just like fade to black after that?

She just like.

Oh, yeah.

That's it?

I don't.

I think something happened.

I mean, I know it's not a happy ending.

No.

Wow.

Because it's a surprise twist because the movie's called.

Yeah.

The movie's called Boys Don't Cry, but

she cries at the end.

So it's like, obviously.

Imagine if you went to theater watching that movie.

You're like, gow!

I should have seen that coming.

Did you see, mister, Did you think that was going to happen?

No, I'm just saying because of the title.

No, I scream in every movie.

It's all right.

I have autism.

Damn, that's a wild movie.

I never saw that.

I didn't know there were so many female to male trans movies in the 80s.

Joanna Manny.

Female to man?

Yeah.

What other ones are there?

Was it like what else?

Just one of the guys?

Just the two that we mentioned?

I don't know Joanna Mann.

Joanna Man was the opposite.

Joanna Man was a dude that was in the NBA, and then he got kicked out.

So then he put on a wig and

dominated.

Oh,

man.

Yeah.

Dude, I cried.

I cried.

I cried for the sex man.

He has a heart attack from dunking too hard.

I got teary.

I remember we were watching Happy Gilmore.

I got teary-eyed at Jones' funeral.

I was like, I'm fucked up, dude.

Yeah, no, when you're a kid, you don't understand emotions.

So, like, you could watch Schindler's list and be like, I don't get it.

Jumps falls out the window.

He's never going to win.

So now the progressive things that people are trying to do, like get people, get trans women into these sports and stuff is just movies from the 80s as a joke.

Pretty much, yeah.

So that's fun.

I'm all about it.

I'm all about it.

I just went to the plot for Boys Don't Cry on Wikipedia and scrolled to the last paragraph.

Later, John and Tom get drunk and decide to kill Brandon.

Lana attempts to stop them, but the pair drive to Candace's remote house where they find Brandon, who has been hiding in a nearby shed.

John shoots Brandon under the chin, killing him instantly.

Tom shoots Candace in the head as Lana fights with them, begging them to stop.

Tom stabs Brandon's lifeless body and tries to shoot Lana, but John stops him.

John and Tom flee the scene while crying.

Lana lies with Brandon's body.

The next morning, Lana wakes next to Brandon's corpse.

Her mother arrives and takes her away from the scene.

As Lana leaves Fall City, a letter Brandon wrote to her is is heard in voiceover.

So I guess they murder the trans person.

Wait.

Yeah, Tom and John drag Brandon into John's car and drive to an isolated location where they brutally beat and gang rape him.

Afterwards, they take Brandon to Tom's house.

Though injured, Brandon escapes through a bathroom.

Yeah, so they rape him, and then she escapes, or he escapes, and then the brothers find them and go to kill and kill him.

And then the girlfriend is like just crying.

So they.

It's based on a true story.

Whoa.

So they rape, and then they're like, wait a second.

Okay, so it was

a woman.

So they find out it's like, you're not a dude, you're a woman.

And then they rape that woman, and then they double back and then went back and killed them.

Yeah, no, so it's the

Tillery Swank plays a FTM trans person named Brandon.

And then they start dating Chloe Savini, who plays a normal, good

girl, a normal person, an OG woman, yeah, anyways, just a regular human, and

yeah, then the brothers of the Chloe Savini find out that they're not, you know, a guy and they're ticked, and they're

livid, they're pretty

teed off, give her the business.

Damn, dude.

It's biblical.

Yeah.

They're like, we're so mad, in fact, that we're going to rape you.

Yeah.

They're like, we're going to kill you now, too.

Damn.

Yeah, it's based on a true story.

I think

it's the real person was

anyone who lives in Iran

every day of their life.

Why do you think the guests are so fired up?

Getting tricked like that?

Yeah, why?

That literally inspires like murderous rage.

Getting tricked?

Yeah.

Maybe it's also because they wanted to fuck their sister and they're mad that like a chick gets to do it.

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, or they're like, why do we think of that?

That disguises genius.

Yeah, if you kill them, you get their power.

That's the thing about trans people.

People don't understand.

Like a Highlander?

Yeah.

If you get them, you get their powers.

Dude, that's fucking powerful.

What power is that?

Here's why.

Because the brothers are.

The power of deception, dude.

The brothers are

masters of disguise.

Oh, wait, they're not brothers.

They're just friends.

But the

brothers now.

Yeah.

They're ex-convicts.

So they were probably getting some of that sweet boy in prison.

Oh, yeah.

Well, they saw those tits and they were like, that whole time they were there and we didn't even know.

And then they were like, they were just chilling with their butterfly knives and like, wait, what?

That's the thing they've been waiting for for years

is a man with a pussy.

They've been in prison getting

the answer, the solution, the man with a pussy.

Yeah, it just weirds me out that inspires murder.

It's like,

if I got tricked, I'd be like, ah, yeah, people don't like being wrong about sports.

They don't like being wrong about anything, the smallest thing.

They don't have a lot of people

identity challenge.

Yeah, because, yeah, oh, yeah.

I always heard that story of dudes being like, you know, like my cousin was a stripper.

Turned out she she had a dick.

He never losed that mind.

He didn't come outside for a year.

It's like, dude, that would take me like

seven minutes.

I'd be like, whoa, didn't see that one.

Right, right, right.

You've come close to that.

It would just make me feel worse about investing.

It would just make me feel worse about investing, which I already feel pretty bad about.

Investing?

Yeah, I've lost so much money.

It's like.

Oh, this is going to be good.

You've been thinking about getting into some cryptocurrency, right?

You can.

I just have terrible luck.

With crypto.

Yeah, just don't day trade is my suggestion.

What's that have to do with getting tricked?

Well, nothing getting tricked.

Oh, you'd be just bad at day trading.

Once you find out cryptocurrency is a total fake, you're just like, damn it, somebody tricked me.

I thought crypto had a date.

No, you know it's fake, but like, I mean, there's still money.

Well, I mean, it already has.

Exactly.

Yeah, I mean, if you invested in December, you'd be up like fucking 200% right now.

Yeah.

But the.

I'm just focused on regular currency right now.

Yeah, 4X.

You're in

currency.

I wanted to do, like, I remember I've read about foreigns.

Change.

I'm constantly dealing in.

I got all kinds of foreign.

Yeah.

Let me see these.

Yeah, there you go.

I wanted to get into Forex when I was younger.

I was like, that sounds so fucking cool.

And then, like, you have to trade it in units.

I was like, this has a federal bucket.

And I was like, all right.

That's awesome.

You got a cool, you got a cool wallet.

Yeah, I tell people when I looked it up, it's like hundreds of thousands of dollars to even make a dent in it.

I'm like, yeah, I do this to pretend to be a federal agent.

Man, that's awesome.

What kind of bills are they?

I don't know.

This is from Australia.

So I guess this is is

some bitch there.

Is there Woodrow Wilson?

Are you sure that's a woman or is it a man?

We don't even know.

Everybody, what if England found out that their queen is actually a dude?

How pissed would they be?

Well, they're finding out their queen is black right now.

Not handling that pretty well, yeah.

You're right.

Are they not handling it well?

I don't keep up with that stuff.

They're not stoked on it.

I don't really care.

That dude from the BBC's fucking

tweet was so fucking.

What did he say?

He tweeted a picture of the

birthday walking

son, and it's like somebody walking a chimp out of Buckingham.

Oh, shit!

He didn't mean it like that!

He was like, I see how it could be construed in that manner.

You know what's funny?

It's like, I got

banned from it.

I got suspended from Twitter for doing that

same exact thing, but like, but like as a joke, like being like, I don't know what's wrong with you.

And they kicked me off Twitter for like fucking a year.

Damn.

Yeah.

For a chimp baby picture.

No, not a chimp baby picture.

It's like there was a story about like a chimpanzee who was a leader of some gang of chimpanzees that had been cannibalized.

The headline was former chimpanzee leader cannibalized by previous followers or whatever, or former followers.

And I wrote like R.I.P.

Obama.

And then a bunch of people got mad.

And I was like, can someone explain to me why this is racist?

People aren't ready for it.

Like the angle of like, you know, like, he used to be the leader, and now people are turning on him.

I don't understand.

You know, it's like, that's the joke is that, like, I don't understand why.

Yeah, because obviously I understand.

But then you have to force other people to be like, well, it's because

they look like chips, dude.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Got to force the chips.

And then you get to point the finger at them.

No, no, no.

See, you said they look like chips.

That was a Valerie Jarrett thing.

Everyone was like, when she did the Valerie Jarrett, when Roseanne did that thing, when she put up a picture of Valerie Jarrett.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Muslim Brotherhood means planet of the air.

Yeah.

She was like, well, I'm talking about the Muslim Brotherhood and the way they, like, the politics of it.

And everyone's like, no, you're talking about black people look like monkeys.

Yeah.

She was like, well, you said that.

That is funny, dude, to put that up.

How long?

You got banned for a year?

Well, they did this thing where, like, they suspend you and they make you like, they're like, and you, like, this right-on-the-chalkboard bullshit where they make you, like, go through and delete all your problematic tweets.

And it was like, I'm not doing it.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

You should have Roseanne out.

You should have been like, I took a fucking Blue Chew, dude.

I had no control.

I was hard as fuck, dude.

Yeah, I just don't, I'd like to apologize.

I donate a bunch of money to a chimp research organization.

Like I've said, I've spent time.

I just get it wrong.

I get it wrong, and I'm apologizing to people who work with chimpanzees.

That was the affection.

They were like, you got to apologize to chimpanzee efforts.

This was in January.

That's a rough one.

Yeah, no, that was bad.

It doesn't make any sense either.

It's just like, I say, I donate to an organization full of chimpanzees, and you're like, what?

A bunch of black people?

Okay, yeah, sure.

I guess.

Yeah, I'm Bluetooth out, too.

Yeah, all right.

Deep fake.

Yeah, that was a deep pick.

Yeah, no, it was like right after the election.

So it's like, you know, people are.

When they let you back on, did they send you an email?

Just like, pssst.

No, eventually I just went in, and like, some of the tweets had been deleted by themselves, anyways.

And it's all yeah, they just ended up deleting them.

Did they at least give you a picture of them to take home with you to put on your wall?

No, but plenty of people screen capped them.

That's good.

When people think they're doing communism and they want to be like, well,

what the hell is this from five years ago?

Right, right, right, right.

And you keep pointing out this and sending it to journalists who happen to follow this person to prove

that the only way to stop Donald Trump is by getting mad at who people follow.

Damn, dude, trying to take you down.

They can't.

Fuck no, dude.

Uh-uh.

No fucking way.

We're just talking about hiring honeypots.

Yeah.

We're going to start infiltrating.

Like 14-year-old girls.

11

people.

Yeah, it will probably go a little

higher.

We'll go maybe 18 or 17 and a half half.

Honey pots, like something like the police use, like it'd be a car that's like designed to be broken into or stolen.

Yeah,

so we're going to infiltrate the Philippine, like the comedy scene with just like you just hire prostitutes,

have them like find all of our enemy comedians, just like deepest, darkest secrets from them,

gather dirt, and then destroy them with it.

But the CIA goes

nice.

Think about it.

We're going to start

to start with some pretty rough fucking honey pots with our budget.

We'll be doing like KA Street Walkers.

Pretty tough.

You'd be surprised.

In this economy, you could probably get a pretty good deal.

I love that.

What?

I love that.

I love that plan.

Send them to open mics.

Just being an information broker.

Yeah.

Aren't we all the deals in dark secrets?

You know, just

sitting in a cafe somewhere.

What do I know about him?

I know very much.

What do you want to know?

I'll be black turtlenecks and scarves from here on out.

A couple dossiers.

What you can do for me, my friend.

Yeah, that'd be so funny.

Spill their guts instantly.

Yeah.

You get them to tweet shit on their phone for them.

Yeah.

I mean, I feel like most comedians don't even have secrets.

They just sort of broadcast everything.

Right, right, right.

Like, well, I'm six months into comedy.

Time to do my web series about how I was raped repeatedly from age 13 to 15.

Time to brag about my five abortionists.

Yeah, right.

It's a good point.

Yep.

Still going to do it.

Well, I wonder what Target's going to do with all the gay stuff once the month ends.

They just have all this gay shit in the store now, and it's like you stocked up on that?

I mean, like old Super Bowl shirts.

Like old Halloween cakes.

They sent it to Africa.

I'm going to get discounted stuff from.

Yeah, like old Super Bowl shirts.

Yeah, man.

There was a...

Well, hold on, let me tell you right now, Africa does not want that stuff.

That's going to start another war over there.

You're going to have your arm removed to the machete.

I was reading a book about people in Eastern Europe with wearing Pride Week shirts and having no idea what it was.

What is that little bit

identity stuff?

There was some headline that people were sharing.

They're like, this is great.

It's like Botswana strikes down the bill to throw people in prison for being gay.

They're like, fuck yeah.

And it's like, they're still like a million years behind.

They actually be more safe in prison than outside of prison.

That would actually help.

Then they get to be together.

Yeah.

Yeah,

that Mexican dude I saw wearing that.

I just saw a Mexican dude.

He was working on this lawn in

college, and he was wearing a shirt that just said, I came, I saw, I partied.

Crazy.

I cried stuff.

Yeah, I do the flowers.

When we go out landscaping, I love to do the flowers and the tulips.

Copping a beer shirt was like the coolest shit you could have.

When I was like 14, if I got like a Mikolo shirt, I was like, Yes.

Totally.

Getting in trouble at school.

The beer that only exists to be stolen out of your garage by TV.

No adult is actually drinking Nicola in a wine cooler t-shirt.

This dude, that is too funny.

Definitely a honeypot, dude.

Nicola Volcha.

The other night, like, I drank like five Nicola Voltras the other day, and I wasn't even drunk.

I'm like, because you didn't drink beer.

I think the first time.

You drank five waters.

What else you guys got kicking around?

I saw a bank the other day that was five-thirds bank, and I was thinking it's probably run by Asians, and it's just an insult towards black people.

They're just just insulting.

Right?

That's worse than mine.

Oh, is it?

No, it's not.

Because

Asians are very racist towards black people.

So they're like rubbing in their face because Asians are supposedly smarter than white people, right?

So they're saying that they're five-thirds.

So I'm saying literature, have you?

Have I?

She's all in a drop.

Old Charles Murray.

I don't know.

I was quiet and it was a thought I remembered.

I'm just trying to help.

You're like, here's some racist shit on your bell curve

for knowledge.

But the Asians are the racist ones in there.

Yeah, I hear you.

You've been reading the bell curve.

Shepard.

I wrote the bell curve, bitch.

I was like behind some black person.

I think I had a ruler or whatever.

I was just pretending to casually measure their head.

I'm trying to remember where.

That is just such a...

That's awful.

That's so bad.

That's such a fun move.

No, I'm just interested.

I don't know.

You gave him shit for endeavor.

Yeah, where that was.

In Japan.

Fuck.

I can't.

Yeah.

What were you measuring?

But just like the joke is that you're just sort of casually, sneakily trying to measure a black person's head in public.

I'm on the train, just like holding up.

No, what?

I'm just checking.

I like to measure things.

I don't know.

Did you say your phrenology thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was top science back in the day, dude.

Yeah.

They'd be like, well, we study the skulls.

We're better.

That was like top science.

It was like if you were talking about evolution, that settles it.

They're like, duh.

Phil was still using that.

It was Charles Darwin's cousin, Sir Francis.

You know, Charles Darwin had a retarded son?

Oh, my God.

He did.

How funny is that?

Stopped.

Yeah, he did, yeah, for real.

That's why he was like, survival of the fittest.

We're supposed to let some of them die.

We never heard about it.

Why isn't he in the history books?

His son?

Yeah.

Because his dad wrote the history books.

You know,

probably.

Francis Carlton was like his cousin, and he took Darwin's idea and was like, I can apply this to social theory.

And he was like, white people are the best.

he has improved it.

We have different size heads.

Bam.

Damn.

Everyone else sucks.

Because it was.

But that's damn.

So his retard.

Because Charles Darwin was real big during the

eugenics age.

He was hiding that retarded boy, dude, because that dude was on the chopping block.

He was probably stoked when he went to that island and saw those goofy fucking animals.

He's like, I should let my son out here.

That's a

paradise.

Glapagos?

Glapagos is a retarded.

His son's not retarded.

He's just evolved to not care about the things that we have to.

That's actually, you know, honestly, we're evolving the wrong way.

We should all go back to a simpler being.

You know, you get black pills.

Now you sound like a Rothschild, dude.

You're trying to social engineer us all.

Oh, yeah.

Into being.

Darwin had 10 kids.

One of them died at age 10.

The other one died at 23 days.

Damn.

One of them was sick but lived at 84.

Sick but lived to 84.

Yeah.

One of them became knighted.

Nice.

Hopefully, it was the retarded kid.

It's just a foam sword.

Sir, cookies,

OBE.

Well, Leonard Darwin or Mr.

Knight.

Damn, he ran the gamut, dude.

A knight?

You have a knight?

Yeah, sick 84.

There you go.

Yeah.

Emma Darwin gave birth to their 10th and last child, Charles Waring, who's not even, his last name isn't even Darwin.

On scrap.

Yeah, well,

it's him trying to say Darwin.

Charles Waring, on 6th December 1856, when she was 48 years old, the baby had Down syndrome and died of scarlet fever after 18 months.

Oh, so he's he never learned how to walk or speak.

Charles wrote a loving memorial to his infant son.

That's pretty tragic.

Yeah, well, take that, Charles Darwin.

Yeah, exactly.

You bitch.

He wrote like a big list on the pros and cons of being married.

Really?

Yeah, it was like.

How many, what was the percentage of pros to cons?

I forget, but he ended up marrying, but he definitely was like, I don't know if I want to do this and wrote out a list of like pros, cons, and then he forgot like the possibility of a a return.

He's like, you probably got that.

I was like,

I don't know.

I watched that testimony of that Down syndrome guy to Congress about

aborting Down syndrome children or screening for Down syndrome children or whatever.

And he does, it's funny.

It's like how,

you know, like, I mean, most people are like pretty stuck in their ways or whatever, and you're not going to be swayed by any kind of argumentation, no matter how, you know, persuasive it is.

But that video that retarded guy did make me, literally made me go, like, huh, I guess I didn't think of it that way.

What was the issue they're saying?

Look at me.

Oh, they're going to kill me.

He's like, I don't want to die.

No, I mean, that's all bullshit.

Are you talking about Bill Maher the other night?

But no, he's talking to Congress and he's saying, he's like, Down syndrome is study to

show that Down syndrome experience more joy and happiness than regular people and families with children with Down syndrome do experience a higher quality of life.

And it's like, oh, yeah, that is true.

They are happier.

It's like, and that really should be way more of a metric of somebody's self-worth, like as if their literal ability to contribute to the happiness of the people.

That depends on the situation.

It's like in a wealthy family, they're happier, but it's like there's a lot of

the poor ones, obviously.

No, the poor ones get to wander the whole neighborhood.

They become like the neighborhood cat.

We still need them for labor.

I understand how the New York City self-reliants are.

I understand

what keeps the sewage flowing under the cities.

Ruby theaters aren't going to fucking run themselves.

All of the toilets, there's a team of retarded people underground that suck the diarrhea out of Jesus Christ.

I'm aware of that.

I understand we need them for society to function.

I'm pro-retarded, dude.

I love it.

Yeah.

I'm a big, I don't know if you guys know the word, neurodiversity.

Oh, yeah.

Italians are very big on a neurodiversity because they have to be.

That's why they have the mafia.

They take care of their own, you know, because most of them are.

They just like it because there's so many syllables in the world.

They just like it because there's so many syllables in the world.

They're like, whoa, whoa,

more to say.

Come look at this.

Normal, divertible.

I love saying it.

Yeah, they stop trying to cure autism.

They're just being like, yeah, this is just something that pops up.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, AI.

Everybody's worried about AI taking over.

It's actually just autism that's going to take over.

Autism and intelligence.

Realistic for autism take over.

Yeah, we're worried about robots.

It's us.

We're already here.

Terminator versus a bunch of autists.

Oh, yeah.

That's going to be a good battle, dude.

Just random mass shooters attacking robots.

Honestly, I put my money on autistic guys versus autism.

Oh, for sure, because they can reprogram the guys.

The other, the actual robots.

They're the ones who built them.

Well, it's like that.

Probably things are going to skew more towards autism as people are increasingly socialized through technology and indirect forms of communication.

So, this whole idea that a lot of people, I mean, myself included, I've made a career off saying I have autism.

I don't have autism.

I'm just an asshole and I have bad social skills.

And that is probably more of a result of me spending most of my time online rather than ever having friends.

Yeah.

You know, and just seeing relationships as sort of oppositional and transactional and like, you know, what do you have on me that I don't have on you?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, it's like, is that something new that those people are going to rise to power?

They're just like more manipulative.

Well, I mean, literally, our president is

sweethearts, dude.

Now they can hide behind being autistic.

Nah, they're strict honor code.

Well, there's going to be a lot of, yeah, there's going to be a lot of fake autistic.

I've met real-deal autistic people I've worked with.

They're sweethearts too.

See Burger?

Tismoth.

Dude, they're sweethearts.

A lot of those neuroatypical guys, like those communities or whatever, you read the forums and they kind of like retcon, like famous historical figures being like, oh, yeah, he was retarded for sure.

Stonewall Jackson was like,

yeah, Stonewall Jackson was autistic.

Isaac Newton was autistic.

Shooting dance at him.

He's like, well, if they're going to hit me, they're supposed to.

It was like Stonewall Jackson, but it's the Pride Stonewall.

And he's like, who's ready to go to war?

Who wants to have a war?

God, I can't wait to make slavery continue.

Forever.

So I can fuck the.

Okay.

Sounds good.

Yeah, all right, sure.

Gay, gay, Stonewall.

Gay, yeah.

Stonewall Jackson.

How about Stonewall Blackson?

And he's like, oh, yeah, no, don't ask me about my son.

They all hit me with no goddamn canon shit.

Don't wanna stand around here.

No, he's not black.

He is a black son.

No, I love the Confederacy.

No, I don't.

Yeah, he's my son.

I don't know if he spent the summer in any way, so I don't got a little bit of some tan on him.

You know, why would we go do your family now?

What's it matter what he looks like?

I'm a general.

That's why he got killed by friendly fire, dude.

One of the Confederates was like someone with jelly

What would what would Black Stonewall Jackson be?

Just this is the one I'd like to anime?

Nextel phone wall Jackson.

Cricket phone wall Jackson.

Hey, where you at, man?

Yeah, we at Appomattox.

Did you ever do either of you guys ever watch anime?

No.

I watched

fuck, what the hell was that?

God damn it, I can't think of it.

It was when they traveled back in time.

That was probably a bunch of them.

Yeah, probably.

Fishbone.

Oh, I thought anime meant gay in children's entertainment.

Oh, it's Japan.

Oh, it has to be Japanese.

Oh, okay.

I'll think of it and remember.

It was pretty good.

I liked it.

But yeah, I kind of liked it, and then I just, you know, I don't know.

You realize what comes with it.

You're like, oh, this is kind of fun, but then this can't become my personality.

Well, that was, yeah, my thing is if I'm drinking and I feel like I might have a hangover and I want to avoid the hangover, I had a practice where I'd get super high.

I'd eat like edibles and then watch anime until I passed out.

Yeah.

That's like a void hangover that way.

Oh, okay.

So that's how I kind of got into it.

And I'd watch that one show on time travel, and I'd wake up high and be like, what timeline am I?

Do you still smoke a lot?

I have like waves.

I go in and out.

So it's like I won't for a while, then I'll like gobble edibles.

Right now, definitely in an active period.

But yeah, I'm definitely working on a whole system of anxiety

desensitization from just getting super high and being like, ugh.

It's crazy now.

Everyone's doing like ketamine therapy.

Yeah, dude.

Or microdosing.

Even like normal people are doing ketamine therapy.

That's surprising me because I'm like weird about ketamine.

Try going to the gym first.

Something up.

Go for a fucking walk.

Someone hit me up and they were like, I always talk shit on ketamine.

Some guy's like, no, I did it for depression.

Yeah.

I've heard good things.

Dude, I've seen people doing it, and it just does not look good.

But it also depends on, yeah, who you're getting your opinions from.

Yeah, it better be USA ketamine, dude.

None of that Chinese shit.

God bless you.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's horse tranquilizer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's dissociative.

Yeah.

But yeah, that's dude.

But it's just a little.

That's just a little horse tranquilizer.

I was talking to my friend.

She was like, yeah, I went and got like ketamine therapy, and I assumed it was like micro-dosing.

And she's like, no, they give you a fucking ID.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, dude.

Like, she's like, yeah, I thought the first time I thought I was dying, and I was going to have to explain to my son that I was going to be dead.

What?

Or whatever?

And I was like, what the fuck?

And she was like, but the second one was great.

Yeah, dude.

It's like, oh, I don't know about that.

Wait, they give you an IV?

Yeah, man.

That's how they do it.

They can do it intermuscularly, but it's way quicker just to kind of hit you in the arm with it.

You just go into a fucking fucking K-hole, dude.

Yeah.

Where are these centers?

Are they like open right now?

Well, New York City's got plenty of that shit.

New York City has like,

I would not be surprised if rich people don't have like a fucking eternal sunshine like facility somewhere.

Right, right.

You know, like, or what is that movie?

Vanilla Sky.

Yeah.

Trying to start one here.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah.

You could probably actually like

buy like the services from that movie, The Game, in New York somehow.

There's all these places that are like youth centers, and you just go and you're like, Yeah, I'm like, I'm

shitty, and then they're like, Oh, here's a bunch of like steroids and HGH.

And they'll like prescribe you, like, you can just get,

yeah, you can just get prescription, fucking, like, yeah, train and HGH.

Jesus.

I know, like, I met a guy who's just a doctor, and like, I used to go to the gym with him, and he's like, just like a doctor.

This isn't some fucking like meathead.

I mean, I guess he is a meathead, but he is also a doctor.

He's just like prescribing everyone everyone fucking, like, not the actual testosterone because you can just buy that online, but like Clomid, which like makes your balls not shrink when you cycle off.

Sick.

So, what does it do instead of that, though?

What, Clomid?

Yeah, if it doesn't make your balls shrink, like, what's the other side effect?

Because there's always some other thing.

There's always some

testosterone and you like cycle off and you just like stop taking it, it'll like fuck your body up.

So, I think Clomid helps regulate.

I don't know.

I mean, there's some other bad effect that's coming from that, though.

I'm real into more just like mushrooms, weed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hands on some clean acid, if anyone's out there.

Yeah.

I think that shit's all.

I think that's going to be the next wave.

Psychedelics?

Yeah, the SSRI stuff hasn't been backed up by real medical evidence.

Oh, really?

No.

The evidence is scant.

I don't know.

Have you ever done too many psychedelics, though, and you're like, I need to fucking take a chill pill from those?

You ever dig too much and you're like,

oh, yeah.

I think I'm done with the psychedelics for a while.

I'm like, I'm good for

that.

That's the cool thing.

You take them and you're not like, you know, you're like, all right, I'm cool on these for for a while.

But, you know, I like them.

Do you ever think you're going to smoke yourself retarded?

No, that's it.

Do you think that's a thing?

That's propaganda.

It's propaganda.

That's racist propaganda.

Is it?

Yeah, dude.

Good.

I hope so.

Because I don't want to stop smoking.

I keep telling myself, I'm like,

maybe I should stop smoking.

What if it's affecting me?

And I'm like, but I don't want to.

Then again, I just literally had a concussion.

Oh, you did?

How long ago?

Everybody's getting concussions.

Yeah, you skipped defensive driving class, gotten a nice reference.

Someone fucking ran a stop sign and cracked me.

Have you had a concussion?

Yeah, probably.

Have you had a concussion?

I don't think so.

I mean, I've never gone to the hospital.

Me either.

Because it fucks you up.

I've been knocked out, like, just knocked the fuck out, and then

just been real sleepy and weird.

Okay, so yes, you had a concussion.

Concussion?

Damn.

Yeah, I never had one diagnosed.

Same.

But I played football my whole life.

Yeah, you get knocked out and you don't know where you are, how you got to the place you're at, and you're just kind of

sleepy and out of it.

Yeah, I've been concussed, I guess.

Yeah, they slip under the radar a lot because I was just like him.

I got out of that, like unscathed, and then like I just didn't sleep for three days.

Yeah, I was like, fuck, damn, it was pretty tight, though.

Yeah, getting concussed is pretty sick, dude.

It makes you on another level.

It makes you a warrior.

I can't wait to

kill my family with Bowflex.

Yeah, we were talking about that.

We were going to both, we're just waiting on our whole squad.

What is it?

Oh, shit.

Oh, no.

Poor BB Girl.

June 25th.

Is that the anniversary of Benoit?

Benoit?

Never forget, dude.

Yeah, I know it's in.

It's like June or July because every year I would be.

It was hot.

It's going to be a hot summer in the beginning.

You know what?

I feel like there's been an uptick in Benoit references in the last year.

Yeah.

Because it used to be this thing I would forget about, and then every summer I'd remember and I'd be like, oh, yeah.

And it would just like.

Saw somebody with a sign at a WWE thing that was like, bring back Benoit.

Hilarious.

Yeah, no, it's kind of ruined because people make Chris Benoit jokes all year long, and it's like, yeah, it's like, you know, like people are like, Christmas, why can't we have Christmas all the time?

It's true.

We should save it for the summer.

Of course, you should save it.

People don't have any.

Yeah, June 24th,

2007.

It should be like that Justin Timberlake meme when it's May.

Oh, yeah.

It should Benoit every June.

It should be beneficial.

Yeah, if someone does a date, come on, man.

Enough against fucking Benoit's hacked, dude.

January, dude.

Yeah.

This is my job.

Yeah, you go to the store and then

put up Benoit shit.

People are not even Thanksgiving.

Yeah, all the Targets, Benoit merchandise that they have to get rid of.

They're like, hey, Africa, do you want a bunch of Chris Benoit gay stuff?

It's a rainbow flag choke slamming a seven-year-old son.

Yes, please give us anything.

Any type of help you can provide to Africa.

That'd be nice to have.

That's probably why they got into it.

We kept sending them Benoit shit, and then they were like, we got to solve concussions for them.

They don't understand.

That's how it started.

That's true.

You think Benoit culture spread throughout Africa?

Yeah.

I have to stop this.

Rabid Wolverine went through.

They're like, we got to put an end to this.

America doesn't know shit.

I was just wondering what they did before they knew all this stuff.

Like, there was a Benoit.

It was probably a Benoit in every village.

Dude, I told you about my fucking grandpa.

What happened?

Like, someone with CT.

Yeah, growing up.

I mean, even just like they shouldn't have a name for it.

There's somebody who lost it.

That's what they called it.

Yeah, I told you.

My grandpa had CT.

He played at Nodame, cracked his fucking skull in a game, and then his career ended.

And then they just told me that recently, my family.

But before that, every story about him was him just fighting people.

Yeah.

Like, freaking out.

The way he died was he woke up from heart surgery on the operating table and freaked out and tried to fight all the doctors.

That's amazing.

Whoa, that is the coolest thing I've ever heard.

He was a monster, too.

Damn.

Yeah.

They probably hit him with a plug.

It probably snipped him though.

I hit his A order.

Like, yeah, he freaked out.

He tried to fight us.

Yeah, every story was him just attacking people.

That's fucking sad.

And then someone showed me a newspaper clipping from like the 30s where they're like, yeah, he's out this week because of a head injury.

It's like, dude, if they're sitting you out in 1930 because of a head injury, that's a fucking serious injury.

Yeah.

Everyone else on the team has like radiation sickness.

I'm like, yeah, I'm letting good old Uncle Sam do experiments on me.

I'm helping out the government.

No, they're not paying me.

I'm

helping the effort of the Japs.

I'm helping the Japs out.

They're blasting me with fucking 700 grams of ionizing radiation every morning.

We got to play Purdue this week.

Yeah, my skin's all burned off.

But it's good.

They say it's good for you.

You know, I found out they used to have this thing in shoe stores called petoscopes.

It's just like a constantly on x-ray machine so you can put your children's legs in to see how the shoes fit.

So people who worked in shoe stores in the 30s were just constantly being exposed to massive doses of radiation.

They couldn't just take the kids' word for it because

it couldn't put the fucking thumb on the fucking end of the shoe.

Yeah, no, they just had to, yeah, just and like even in the thirties, like the fucking government and oversight like groups were like, don't do that.

Good for that salesman.

Whoever got that fucking product in all those goddamn stores.

Great-grandfather of the asbestos salesman.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I love.

You go to the American History Museum or you just look at pictures of old,

I think, what

is most symbolic of that era is old desk fans where they only had three wires on it.

And then it's like, yeah, just don't stick your fingers in there because it'll cut your fingers off.

And then at a certain point, they're like, well, we can't trust people.

Yeah.

A few more wires.

It's like, hey, you can let these machines kill you if you want.

Yeah.

You know?

Enough people had their fingers cut off.

We didn't used to need euthanasia.

Now we need it because everything's been protected.

True.

Man, I've just been.

It's like, I can't just accidentally die anymore.

Can you please kill me?

Yeah.

Sticking their finger in that fan just to get out of work.

Give them a fucking get out of work pass right there every day.

Yeah, anything that's like they're just like, yeah, that works and sticks around.

It's just not safe.

Like the fucking trucks the mailmen drive.

They're like, yeah, no seatbelts.

No doors and stuff.

Right, right, right.

Don't turn right too fast.

Basically a go-kart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wonder how many mailmen have just spilled out.

Dude, it's got to be countless, dude.

How many of our finest we probably lost due to slipping out the door?

Oh, wait, I guess it would be a left.

True.

On the right side?

Yeah.

Dude, rolling out.

Yeah, that Asian guy from earlier tripping out.

Oh, hey, guys.

He drives off.

We've lost a lot of our finest, dude, just rolling down that thing.

Just the boys in blue, man.

And that truck just crashes into a bunch of kids that play.

Yeah.

I was at the Transit Museum in New York reading about how they built

one of the tunnels, I guess, for the trains.

Me too.

oh ready

yeah they have their own they build the railroad

bones of trans because

yeah it's a target actually it's in the it's a giant bathroom that no one's allowed to use

going hanging from the ceiling like the blue whale

just like oh man they're huge but they um

like they would have to pressurize the tunnels and they had basically this big like steel sleeve that they would like dig out some of the ground and then push it forward this big steel sleeve to build the tunnels like underneath the East River.

So that like the sleeve would span like the entire circumference of like the front of the tunnel.

They would dig out all the shit and then push the sleeve forward.

Yeah, boring through.

But occasionally you'd hit a pocket where there would be like air in the ground.

And the guys who were at the front of the tunnel had the most dangerous job because it's like you hit one of those things, it like just sucks all the pressure out of it.

It's being like sucked out of an airlock.

What?

There was a guy that was like sucked through through the fucking thing and then shot up 100 feet in the air

in the East River, falls back into the water, and they're like, go back to work, Seamus.

They're like, send him back down into the fucking tunnel.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Yeah, yeah.

You had to go back to work.

Yeah, you had to go back to work.

And then they have a list of what the wages were.

And it's like, you got paid like half a penny a day.

And with that, you could buy like a beer.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

You know, it was sick.

Now, the Queensborough Bridge, I was like looking at it or something.

and it's like it like they list like the nine guys that died making that shitty bridge RIP dude

Honestly, that's a pretty good deal you get a name on a bridge.

Yeah, no, no, I think it just said nine people

Yeah, it's like you think like 3,000 people died in 9-11 But like how many people died just building New York City?

Oh dude a ton right yeah ton yeah falling off of scaffolds and those I-beams and shit.

Yeah, those like rivet crews crews that were like just throwing 3,000-degree pieces of metal at each other with like no safety harness.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I used to work with guys like that.

I'm going to become one of the middle-aged guys that like idolizes guys like that and gets mad at children.

That's how they used to be.

Me?

No, I'm a soft-headed faggot myself also, but I'm old now.

So you can tell from my Harley-Davidson shirt that I would have been one of those guys had I've been given the opportunity to.

Every old dude gets gay and they also start being like, I love the military.

I would have served.

I can't wait.

I want my flights delayed so I can shake people's hands in the airport.

There's nothing I want more than to shake the hands of a veterans

reserve

coming through.

Sir,

wipe the panera out of my mustache so I can suck your cock

while I wait to complain to this United.

This man is a veteran.

Where's his seat, ma'am?

Yeah, it's awkward, too.

Did you ever talk to one of those guys?

I had a good spring of a couple of Lyft drivers who had been like, there were soldiers overseas.

And when you start getting into the reasons they were over there and the money interests, those dudes go.

I love to bring up Call of Duty to those guys.

Dude,

I called in this kill streak on fucking whatever that hair pulled up.

It was so sick, dude.

Do you ever use one of those for real?

Anyways, yeah.

No, I'm really good at the game.

Yeah, it was hell, dude.

Yeah.

Then I respawned and they came up.

They're like, yeah, I was in actually Fallujah too, and one of my friends, and you're like, shut up.

God,

shut up.

Talk about video games.

You were a troop, Shane.

How you like this?

I was a troop.

I don't support this.

Yeah.

You're the fuck against it.

I'm all right, man.

I was just waiting for a fucking.

Do you still wear the costume?

Yeah, I wear it.

The costume.

The costume they gave you.

I had the boots.

I was still wearing those boots for a while.

Do you just steal Valorants?

Do you keep them nice?

Do you keep the boots nice?

No, the boots are gone now.

But I did steal Valor a couple of times.

Yeah, they got too, they were worn out.

You gotta re-enlist.

I gotta get new shoes, yeah.

Damn, that sucks.

Your boots are good.

That's so funny that you can just like go to West Point and be like, nah, I'm good.

You can't enlist and do that.

Right, right.

You can go to West Point and be like, nah, I'm good.

And every single person there is like, come on, man.

Don't quit, please.

I don't want to quit.

They wanted you to stay.

Yeah, immediately.

I was getting yelled at by these drill sergeants because I was just taking a shower.

Like, after hours, I just got up and I was like, I'm not getting the shower.

This sucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're like, what the fuck are you doing out here?

Like, they started screaming.

And they're like, do you even want to be here?

And I was like, no, I'm definitely going to quit.

Yeah.

And immediately they're like, ah, man, come on.

It's not that bad, dude.

I was wondering this the other day.

Like, why do they think they have to scream at?

Why can't they just be like, all right, here's weapons.

We're going to train you guys how to use them.

We're going to make sure you train and get in good shape.

Why do they have to do it?

Because you're supposed to adjust.

Get people adjusted to having PTSD immediately.

Yeah.

Legitimately.

Yeah.

I mean, that's the whole reason they're screaming at you and putting you in a high-stress situation is because that's what warfare is going to be.

They put you in boot camp and they demoralize you to the point where you're not an individual anymore.

You're only like a like well a warfare.

You're now Chinese.

You're a weapon.

Damn.

Yeah.

They can't make you can't I guess that's why they just can't have a bunch of chill ass bros waging warfare.

You just also have to have a hierarchy of fucking like people to know who you listen to and like know who you take your orders from like because in a moment like you have to know that you're the absolute person who's going to give those orders.

Because then in that situation, you have to come up with something.

I guess there's no time for like you have to know where to look.

There's no time for the Sarge.

Actually, here's what I'm thinking: like,

wait, did you ever consider the military?

All the time.

Yeah.

Anytime I see that 20 G signing bonus, I'm like, I could do it.

And then I get like three minutes into the fantasy, and I think about someone yelling at me, and I'm like, yeah,

I don't react to all the bad.

The only thing that ever scared me away was the idea of having to do something for more than six months.

You know?

Yeah.

It's the same reason I don't have any tattoos or

any real opinions, actually.

No, that's true.

Yeah, as soon as someone starts yelling at you, you're just like, Yeah, that's my thing.

Or just leave.

I can just leave.

I had a friend that was a, he was like

an artillery captain or whatever.

There's like a friend in the friend.

We would like hang out and go drinking and stuff.

And I was like, when I was like 23, I didn't know what I was going to do.

And my money was fucked up.

And comedy was kind of just like whatever.

And I was like, I was thinking about enlisting.

And he's like, no.

He's like, absolutely not.

That would turn into a Ford Hood situation almost immediately.

He was like, I'm telling you right now, you would do terrible in the military.

Yeah.

Shane gave me the talk.

I was telling him

I would have been Universal Soldier, dude.

Matt was like, I could have been a Navy SEAL.

I was like, trust me, everyone thinks that because they saw American Sniper, but I literally, I think you just seen American Sniper.

Yeah,

that and Zero Dark 30.

Because I've also dedicated my life towards not having an alarm clock.

Well,

that's what those middle-aged guys are.

They also have the delusion that they could have done it, but they don't have anyone in their life anymore to be like, no, you can't.

Yeah, exactly.

Because it's like, of course, you can't.

It would just be cruel to tell that man that, like, no, he was destined to sell computer parts that he didn't understand.

Yeah, yeah.

That's true.

Like, you could have been a fucking SEAL, but instead you made the ultimate ultimate seal.

You've been a fucking loser your entire life.

You will continue to be a loser.

You have nothing more than your model train forums and, you know, shaking people's hands at the airport.

It's a tough thought, man, when you start thinking about

the inevitability of how many people just die utterly mentally wrecked.

Just like, it never worked out.

Yeah.

Well, it's because they they never learn to live for people other than themselves, which is like a necessary transition.

You have to understand that you're part of an ongoing process of humanity.

There's people that came before you that died or whatever.

Dad's got two dogs.

He doesn't live for himself.

He's got two dogs to live for.

No, I heard that.

I'm hearing that, man.

You are an ongoing process.

People get too hung up on themselves.

It's the worst thing in the world.

I'm just, dude, put me right.

I always said, and you bury me, just put me in a burlap sack and kick me in a hole, dude.

Let me disintegrate.

That's weird to put people in a fucking.

Here's the thing: it's like people won't even care enough to do that.

They'll have a regular funeral for you.

No one will care about your stupid burlap sacking.

Right, right.

Yeah, he wanted some fancy burlap sack thing to prove how much of a regular guy he was.

No, no, he actually was a regular guy, and we don't give a shit enough.

So here's your suit, here's your casket, put you in the ground in two years.

They were served, dude.

Then they toss a flag on there.

That's a different bin Laden meeting.

You've been Ladenia.

You get a garnish.

Your bones get you're supposed to just kind of like break down back into the dirt.

How about a make a

make-a-wish kid?

Sorry, that

wants to simulate the the murder of Osama bin Laden.

Yeah, that's a great way.

I want a compound in Pakistan.

I want the Navy See to come in, and I'm going to hide behind my wife, and then they're going to shoot me and dump my body in the ocean.

They're like, Well, we did it for Bat Kid, so I guess

that's how we got Osama.

It touched his heart.

He was like, I guess I'll show up and do this.

My favorite movie is Zero Doctor,

and I want to die like Osama.

Oh, fuck.

Although he said sorry, like, sorry, I have to say that.

Sorry, yeah.

Totally understandable.

Fucking funny.

Yeah, you're saying the bones get fucked up, doesn't matter to us.

I'm stuck on that kid.

He's sitting in the back of the bag.

I'd be great if they skimped and they were just like, you know what, fuck it.

We'll just dump him at sea.

He has cancer.

You said any wish.

He sees some laser beams coming in through his window.

He's like, oh, yes.

I would love to have a son just so I could write to the Make a Wish Foundation with my left hand and be like, I really want my dad to fuck Allison Bree.

They're like, it's what he wants.

I'm going to deny my son that.

There's a

sock company that's apparently like using their retarded son as like the yeah, I saw that.

Yeah, this Down syndrome guy has come up with it's about time he pulled his weight.

Damn, this poor Down syndrome boy thinks he invented socks.

They're using him as like the uh, like the mascot, yeah, and they're just fucking killing it all.

Damn, yeah, so there's there's money to be made

retarded business, the retarded industry is about to be like easily three billion a year, yeah, yeah.

That's how Boeing can make up for killing all those people with those faulty jets.

You're like, um, we want to show you the guy that designed the plane

still want to be mean about him now

about safety features?

The dude who did this.

I did my best.

I tried to make the best pray I could.

I'm sorry, my best wasn't good enough for you.

And a bunch of Indonesian people have to apologize.

The government of Jakarta is going to be like, we did not know it was a retarded guy.

Yeah, that's a good fail save.

Any historical fucking catastrophe, just be like, it was a retarded guy at the helm.

Yeah, you feel it off that.

We didn't want to take all the credit for this, but that was actually European history from like 1320 until 1880.

Look, we didn't want to stroke ourselves off, but we put retarded guys in charge.

Oh, bad.

Yeah, well, that probably does it, right?

Maybe like hour 30.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

We're way over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Yeah, I got a piss.

Hour 40.

That's perfect.

Thanks, you guys.

Yeah, of course, man.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry to Adam.

Adam has no idea that this happened.

So

guys, check out Adam Friedland on Twitter.

Give him a follow.

Yeah, thanks.

Yes.

And Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.

Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be honest.

Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We the man to qualified.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com

Wobble Bongs Dickinson is now united with Louis Roca, creating a client-focused team ready to handle your most complex challenges.

Together, we bring you deep capabilities in areas like IP, corporate transactions, cybersecurity, and litigation.

With over 1,300 attorneys across 37 offices in the US and UK, you've got the benefit of our firm's global reach with the dedication and care of a close partner.

Learn how we can support you at wobblebondydickinson.com.