Ep. 158 – Forget it jake

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Let's get down to penis

and suck off five guys.

Alright, what is this?

Because we got to pre-record, right?

Yeah, this is, I believe, Sunday.

This is tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Sunday show.

Yeah, tomorrow's show.

June 2nd.

June 2nd.

Alright.

Okay.

And maybe if you guys are lucky, or actually, did you format it already?

No, I'm not formatting it.

Nice.

We have a bonus very bad episode for you guys.

Bonus bonus.

There's a couple fun parts.

I just got to mark down these.

Today's a bonus, though.

God fuck this piece of shit.

The next one's going to be a regular one.

You're the gayest man I've ever sunk.

Oh.

And your cum tastes like

blue jewel.

Damn.

That's how we really sell advisors.

If you promise flavored cum.

No, no, no, no.

We place them in in our songs about being gay.

Oh, if we make jingles for them, that is next level.

I agree.

We got to get our marketing department on that.

They got to pay more for that.

Yeah, dude.

If we place you in a song about being gay or

being gay with your dad specifically.

Plus, you know, we're putting ourselves at risk by doing copyrighted material.

Copyrighted for profit.

But it's parody, right?

It's parody for profit.

It's for-profit parody.

Just like Saturday Night Live.

All right, I got my calendar looking.

the way I want it here.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, this is annoying.

Like a man's ass?

Yeah.

Hold on.

God damn it.

I bought the cheapest headphones on Amazon.

We just need a longer cord, baby.

This is the one that came with them.

We'll buy you.

I think I have a cord at home that I'll bring next time.

Yeah.

Was it just an auxiliary cord?

Yeah.

It's a cord for some headphones.

Yep.

Not an auxiliary cord.

Bitch.

Actually, I think that's literally what it is.

Yeah.

Doesn't auxiliary mean like,

I don't know, like an accessory or

isn't it a general term?

That's right.

Yeah, why is it

those words have different meanings?

But why does that get to be the cord?

Like, shouldn't it be a

sound cord or something like that?

Does auxiliary mean sound?

I think you could say sound cord.

People would guess.

It doesn't sound right, though.

Auxiliary doesn't mean sound, though.

35 millimeter.

That's good.

Say, call it that.

Auxiliary could mean a lot of different stuff, right?

1 8th inch or a 35mm.

1 8th, yeah.

Yeah, 1 8th inch or 35 millimeter.

Nice.

Both bigger than Adams, dick.

Yeah.

They should call it the bigger than Adams dick cord.

Yeah, you don't know about that.

Yeah, I bet you don't know about Adams.

Everyone else knows about it, though.

We all text each other.

The whole world has a group chat.

Everyone's got the inside.

Sometimes I feel like that.

Like the entire world's in some sort of group chat talking about me.

It's called narcissism.

Just about your dick,

how small my dick is.

That's all they talk about.

An ox cord.

Yeah.

What are some other definitions of auxiliary?

Does the military use it?

How about luxury?

Okay.

You know, I'm not trying to wear in lugs, but I'm not worried about

auxiliary.

I'm worried about luxury.

Like

I want leather wires.

Velvet wires.

All my wires, velvet.

I pull up, you know, I pull up to the holes on the radio and I say,

blow, velvet, black owl, black owl, velvet.

I got velvet wires for that ass.

That's right, baby.

Let me plug some shit in.

I plug my speakers in with beautiful.

Shag carpeting.

Shag carpeting wires.

I wanted a vane with shag carpeting.

Yeah, everybody did.

Really?

Everybody cool.

I think we and you had the same exact

design.

Just the gayest,

just the lamest shit.

I was like, fuck, that would be awesome to have.

But I wanted specifically.

Damn, I can't wait.

I would love to have a house with one of those giant soccer balls.

Oh, yeah.

And I invite my friends over to play giant soccer.

That would be awesome.

What about a secret door behind a bookcase?

No.

You never want to have gay sex?

No, never.

No, it's not about keeping secrets.

It's just about that the door is secret.

That's not knowing no one cool wants.

That's scary.

You thought that was scary?

I see, I was scared.

You guys didn't think that was cool?

I thought it was paintings with eyes.

Well, that's

what I did want was a control, a secret underground control room with my like a panic room.

No, that's how do you get to that?

I wanted to live in a utopia where you didn't show any of that.

It's not a secret door.

Just a secret door?

You pull one book and it opens the whole thing.

I always, I,

My childhood

fantasies, I always imagined getting there through the ventilation system.

Yeah, that I did want to do.

Crawl through the vents.

Yeah.

Crawl through the vents, and it leads to a controller

where I could launch missiles at people.

Okay.

See, I never went to violence.

Yeah.

I think I was just being sneaky.

I don't know what I wanted to do through the vents.

That'd be hilarious, a story about a young Starbrook getting stuck in the vents.

Oh, for sure.

I would not be able to.

They would not hold me.

I was like 200 pounds very quick.

I got the two bills fast.

Before sixth grade?

Probably in fifth grade.

Fifth grade.

Come on.

Probably.

I was basically this height in fifth grade.

You grew fast.

I was like, me and Eldis were the same height, and then I just stopped growing in seventh grade.

Wow.

It was so annoying.

And then you got to be tall as shit, and I'm just a fucking short little fat piece of shit.

And I don't get any of the privileges from, you know, that the world gives tall men.

Eldous is a beneficiary of so many privileges.

You're right.

His life seems a lot better than you.

If you see it, like, Eldis seems to be doing so much better than that.

Dude, on a personal, like, yes,

without the strife that I've

without trying to

stronger.

It's made you funny.

Sure.

Yeah.

But I would prefer to not be tired.

There's never been a tall, funny person ever.

That's true.

Yeah.

That's a fact.

So true.

Gary Goldman, not funny at all.

Not funny.

Jock.

Get off the stage, Jock.

I want to see his fucking new special, but I'm going to be gone when he tapes it.

He's taping it here.

He's taping it in Brooklyn.

Is it all of his rules?

All of his comedy rules?

No.

But those are helpful tips.

Are they?

I like them, yes.

I don't read them.

They make me nervous.

Nervous hell.

i just don't want to hear about the process in such an earnest way yeah

what's your process adam i i can't talk about it somebody does something funny yeah he sees

someone do something funny

okay and then he

that's not what happens

he just repeats something he saw someone else do that's not what my he's learned to only steal from people not in comedy now

that's not true it's not what i do on stage he asks people on the train do you guys know any good good jokes?

Or black people?

Yeah, he asks black people if they know something funny.

First of all, what do you think of my sneakers?

Second of all,

have you heard any good jokes yet?

No, I'm not writing this down.

Ah, fuck.

But of course, obviously they're joking, and that's not what my crafter process is.

It's a lot more detailed.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, why don't you walk us through it?

Dasha saying it.

That's even worse than you saying me copying things that happen.

That's even worse.

He forgets that Dash is saying it.

I would never steal from a bitch who's merely stealing from me.

He's doing it on stage.

And then, you know, maybe politely she says, I came out with that.

I'm like, no, you didn't.

You're gaslighting me.

Stop gaslighting.

Stop it, dude.

I know what you're starting to talk about or what you could start talking about right now, and I don't have it in me.

I literally don't have it in it.

I was at that fucking bookstore, and we don't have to get into it.

That is gaslighting.

We don't have to get into it.

Damn.

Listen, I can see

the brain work.

That's one good thing about us being such good pals for so many years.

I literally wasn't even thinking about it.

There's no way he was thinking about it.

I completely forgot about that.

I've decided to move on, I think.

I'm not moving on.

i don't count that as a victory your decision to move on like you're the stalemate like he's just yeah he's he's walking away from it i am no i'm walking away from it no i need because it doesn't really matter to me

who it matters to is the one that's emotionally abusive and is gaslighting you're the gaslighter that's the one who can't drop it you're the gaslighter that's the one who can't can't ever let it go gaslighting just means lying huh no gaslighting is making someone think they're crazy oh you're You make the other person think they're crazy.

But that's a form of lying.

It could be.

I mean, gaslighting is like, there's many different things.

It's some shit that's not.

Just pretending that they don't remember something is like, is a form of gaslighting.

Gotcha.

It'd be like you call your girlfriend a cunt, and then a week later, she's like, but you called me a cunt.

And you're like, I honestly don't even remember that.

It's like, they do remember.

Gotcha, gotcha.

Gotcha.

That's interesting.

That's called being a cool boy name.

It's lying.

Yeah.

So gaslighting equals lying.

It doesn't

lying.

Everybody has to have

a few words for everything.

There could be lying that is essentially lying.

No, it's more specific.

It's fine.

Now we're having the chimps versus bonobos debate again.

Exactly.

It's a set subset of it.

Now we're starting all our debates over again.

Gaslighting is a subset of lying.

Let's get all the debates going.

Because gaslighting implies a rewriting of the record.

Lying.

It's retconning.

Lying.

Well, yeah, there's lying.

It's not like lying is involved, but it is like, yeah, it's more retconning than lying.

It's a specific kind of lying, the way a chimp or a bonobo is a specific kind of chimp.

That's right.

That's what I was saying.

But we're not talking about species.

So you could say, yes, we are.

But he's saying it's a sick

situation.

I know what you're saying.

We all agree.

We all agree, and we can move forward.

For the record, Adam did not agree.

I did agree.

I said that.

oh a fre a gas a fresh gaslight listen we all agree that I was at the bookstore

I'm starting I'm swinging back to thinking you were now honestly that I was that you were good thank you star bros

um

that's how the gaslighting process works that's not I'm not gaslighting convinces you that you're crazy you're I guess Adam must be right no I've moved on I don't care what is gas where does that word come from a book some kind of book the movie gaslight no there's a movie there's a book called gaslight there's a movie called Gaslight.

It was probably based on.

I think it's a book.

Well, you don't read books if you haven't seen the movie.

If you see the movie, you don't know.

Both of those things aren't true, but I think I heard someone at some point.

And it might have been

all that dumb girl bullshit is like not actual.

It's not actual science.

It's like, you know, like the Bechdel test.

That was just some dumb bitch.

That wasn't like.

She drew comics and she's like, I think.

Her name was Bechdell.

Some bitch named fucking Katie Bechde.

She plays science is gay, dude.

Well, I mean, you know, it's like, it's wrong.

And I don't think women should be saying things.

That is a wild.

I don't think that they should.

It's really depressing for women.

That's hilarious.

That they have to hold.

I was like, oh, come on, this can't be that many movies.

And then you see it's every fucking movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's also the movies they make for themselves.

That's right.

You know?

A movie about a woman getting her shit together.

It's always like, because she got dumped.

True.

You know?

It's never like.

Well, I guess gravity doesn't.

Gravity is because her kid died.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the one movie.

That's the only movie that passes the Bechdell test?

I think so.

Yeah, but it was a male child.

There's not another female character.

But she fucked the kid.

What's that?

It was a male child.

So if there's not another female character, then it's a matter of money.

And it fails the Bechdell test.

It has to be two talking about.

Unless George Cooney was trying to do that.

Two women not talking about a man.

That's true.

I'm just trying to think of movies where, like, like, the woman's motivation.

The Avengers probably.

No, Thanos is a man.

If Thanos wasn't a man, and Scarlett Johansson and somebody else.

Like some other bitch?

That green bitch?

The green bitch?

But is it in a romantic context or is it just talking about a man?

I think it's not even romantic.

I think it's just talking about a man.

Damn, really?

Yeah.

And they still don't pass that shit.

That is pretty gay for me.

There's never been a movie that's passed that.

Yeah.

I don't.

Maybe Bridesmaids.

They must have.

No, they were always talking about a man.

Yeah, it's literally a movie about a woman getting married.

Yeah, but they probably talk about something.

Like, what do you want for me?

Yeah, but the whole point, I mean, the movie is about women that

aren't married and their friend is.

Hold on, what about?

They all feel like whores because of it.

Yeah, exactly.

And therein lies the comedy.

All women are whores, really.

And just because she's getting married doesn't mean she's not a slut.

Interesting.

Yeah,

she can't shed her slut past.

Really, if you look at the movie, it's sort of a criticism of the men that allow women to

touch.

Tim Heidecker really should be getting different pussy than Maya Rudolph.

Exactly.

Yes, and John Hamm.

John Hamm's the only good one.

Yeah.

Because he just uses

Kristen Wiggs' pussy up.

Like a hand.

Like a hand.

Yes.

Like a ham.

And he fucks it like a microwaved ham, which is his last name.

Nice.

Nice, nice to read.

Nicer read

on.

Nicer duda.

Nicer readuda.

Suck on my nuts.

Uh-huh.

Okay, let's figure out one movie that passes the Vech Deltas.

What about Annihilation?

I never saw that.

Mortal Kombat Annihilation.

No.

No, they go into the Natalie Portman, is that thing?

Natalie Portman.

Tessa Thompson.

They go into the forest.

And they shoot some shit.

It looked cool, but then someone said it wasn't an action movie like I thought it might be.

And then I was like, like,

snooze.

Oh, what about that horror movie where an old bitch traps a young bitch?

What is that?

What movie?

It's,

I don't know.

It's called like

Ernestine or some shit like that.

One of the Ernest movies?

No, it's Chloe, Grace Morritz, and some old lady.

And the old lady, it's a horror movie.

That one passes.

We did it, guys.

Yeah, okay.

Was there ever an Ernest Goes to israel no but who should have a birthright earnest what the hell earnest fires a rocket at palestinian children yeah

they're doing their own holocaust

they got their own camps gassing all these kids hey burn

They got Jew Nazis over here.

Burn.

Oh, wow.

There's a kind of American producers are like anti-Semitic.

No, I don't think we'll be making that.

We will be passing on this.

We'll be passing on this.

As much as we enjoyed Ernest Goes to the beach, I don't think we will be

producing Ernest Goes.

Oh, damn.

Oh, damn.

Well, how about it's Halloween or something?

Yeah, how about Ernest goes trick-or-treating?

Okay, I like that.

And he goes to a Jews' house and they're in that panties.

Oh, no.

No.

Good pass.

Pass.

Not that.

I like the idea that that man had so much power in Hollywood he could just be anti-Semitic.

Look, we can't lose the Ernest movies.

He makes over $80,000 a year in video cassette sales.

The man is an institution.

Has anyone ever paid for an Ernest movie, or do they only watch them after getting them at the library?

No, I rented earnest movies from Blockbuster.

I did.

I feel like I got them exclusively from the library.

But that might have been a little V Halchius poor life hack.

I didn't even know Blockbuster existed for years.

Damn, that sucks.

Yeah.

And then

at one point, we went to this little independent one right by Santoni's Market off Eastern Avenue.

Independent Blockbuster?

No, like an independent video store.

Oh, okay.

And it was one of those that had pornography in the back.

Oh, behind behind the beaded,

the beaded, what are you, like, door away thing.

Literally.

That's awesome.

And I kept trying to sneak in there.

Yeah, Blockbuster never had porn.

No, and that's why they succeeded, and that's why this country is fucking little dickhead as hell.

The one that showed porn should have succeeded.

Well, the internet would have killed that anyway.

At some point.

But the internet killed it with Netflix anyway.

Yes, yeah.

Now I remember the porn sections and like record stores and stuff.

Record stores?

Yeah, record stores.

Yeah, so like listen to porn records.

Record stores would also sell movies pretty much every day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like tower records and stuff.

Yeah.

I only went to the one in Fels Point when I was trying to be cool, when I was like listening to classic rock in ninth grade.

Hell yeah, dude.

Tower records?

What the fuck was that one called?

Soundgarden.

Some fat girl is in there.

You're like, hey, you ever hear a bad company?

And she's like calling the police.

Some rockabilly bald guy.

No, I was not.

I was never rockabilly.

That is a creation of this podcast.

This is a guy in creepers and a tank.

I was never

in creepers and a checkered tank top.

I was never rockabilly, and I wasn't

snapping.

That's not until I was 20.

I went bald at around 20.

You went bald at nine.

Yeah.

When you hit that 200.

Yeah,

once I hit those two bills,

I threw on a whack beater.

Stop rose two stacks.

I was never Rockabilly.

I just appreciated Elvis at a young age.

And I thought, and I wanted to be Rockabilly.

There's a difference.

I wanted to have greased up, palmate ass hair in a leather jacket.

I think we probably talked about it, but I used to have this fantasy that I had control of a street gang when I was like five.

Yeah, yeah.

And the mental image was like, yeah, just six-year-olds dressed like leather daddies, like spinning chains.

Yeah, like Tom of Finland six-year-olds.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to have a little clubhouse with my fucking boys, dude.

Yeah.

And I wanted to play guitar.

Yeah.

I wanted to be the lead, the singer in guitar.

Did you ever listen to it?

I was a gang.

I was a gang.

We were also a gang.

Because it was all from little kid movies.

Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Cool.

Yeah.

Everything was from a single movie.

There should be bands that are also gang.

Little kid bands.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That would have been awesome.

Yeah, we just, at that moment, you became self-aware thinking you look so cool.

And then I saw him in the mirror, I was like, who the fuck is this ugly motherfucker?

I thought I was fucking handsome as shit.

I thought I was hot as shit,

swooped over.

That's how I saw myself every like in my self-image, I had greased-up hair combed to the side and a leather jacket on at all times.

I looked at the mirror and I was like, who's this little fat dude?

I did that faggot in the mirror.

Yeah.

Do you think Uncle Jesse John Samos,

Greek hero, it was 100%.

It was 100%.

Yeah, it had to have been.

I remember being a little kid and thinking I could do impressions and then like recording them and then playing them back.

That's so funny.

I used to do that too.

And just like how off it was.

Oh, yeah.

Because in my head, I'm like, no, I sound exactly like Will Smith.

Yeah.

I used to record.

My grandfather would send us tapes from Greece of like music he recorded from the radio.

That's how cheap he was.

He wouldn't set buy us.

Mixtapes, dude.

He was trying to fuck.

Yeah.

And, and, uh, but even though they were bullshit, like, my dad still, like, cherished them.

And I used to fucking just record over them with my own fake radio talk show.

And my dad, like, would throw them on to fucking listen to them.

And it would be like, oh, hello, folks.

It's a Stob's radio show now.

And my dad was like, what the fuck?

Who fucking recorded over there?

He He didn't reward your creativity?

No, not only that, he actively punished me for it.

What an asshole.

Yeah, dude.

That just shows that you were a creative child.

I know.

I wanted to have my own little radio show.

And it's like, hello, everyone.

It's Stobb's radio show.

Mom made mac and cheese and hot dogs today.

It was just like,

I know.

Yeah.

Cut up hot dogs and mac and cheese.

Yeah.

Tomorrow I'll be going to soccer practice.

Yeah, it's so funny.

You have to become funny if, like, your natural instincts as a child are to be like the biggest faggot in the entire world.

That was such a funny thing.

You're like, oh, I got it.

No, don't try to join in now.

I used to put on plays.

Yaya would not let me have ice cream.

She said I had too much.

Is that your grandma?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that what the sisterhood is?

Yep.

It's about grandmas in Greece putting on pants and getting absolutely railed out by tourists.

That's pretty sad.

That was the first draft.

You submitted it and then they changed it.

I submitted it and they changed

intellectual property.

The fucking Hollywood machine does it again.

Same people that I just wanted to make a movie about

80-year-old widows that only wear black.

That only wear black, but when they put on these pairs.

Because they've been mourning for 60 years.

Once they put on these magical pair of jeans, their pussies get wet for the first time since 1972.

I watched Traveling Pants one time with my cousin.

We didn't know Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and we'd been watching it it for 15 minutes.

We both looked at each other.

We're like,

we love.

I just want to see the rest of the movie.

I would like it if that movie ends with the pants ending up in an evidence locker at the police station.

No.

With calm on.

No.

Thank you for saying calm as if everyone didn't get.

I guess the people at home didn't see Nick smiling and the glint in his eyes so

they couldn't put the pieces together.

Kind of a Cheshire Cat smile.

Yeah.

At the thought of

fictional women women getting rained on vacation.

Yeah, that movie featured Greece heavily.

Oh, yeah, dude.

That and fucking Mama Mia.

Yeah, dude.

I watched that on the plane in Japan.

You did.

I loved it.

Maybe I'll watch it on the plane in Japan.

I love the music of ABBA.

That's another gay thing about my childhood.

Oh, dude, the the music I listened to as a kid,

purely like gir like boy bands, Spice Girls, like fucking.

I knew that was gay.

I at least knew that was gay.

Fucking ABBA, fucking um

uh

kit cruel cruel summer.

Banana, yeah.

Yeah.

That was music video.

Music video for that song creeps me out.

Cruel music video?

For Banana Rama's Cruel Summer.

It just creeps me out.

What happens in it?

They're just walking around like the Lower East Side and Williamsburg and shit.

But it's like,

you know, most like they're probably disgusting now.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you're just thinking of aging?

Yeah, well, them aging, it's just something about it just feels like death.

And I don't know

what it is.

But just this, like, the idea of, like, I I don't know.

Like, I I I like I watch it and I see like these are like, you know, three like young pop stars or whatever.

They're like, woo like, oh, we're making a music video in uh fucking New York or whatever.

Are they Canadian?

No, they're Irish.

Oh, they were?

I thought they were like Swedish or something.

No, I I'm pretty sure they're Irish.

Yeah, it's like, but then like that, like there's there's nothing to feel good about.

You're just gonna get old and die.

And it's like all these people have AIDS at the time.

Not them, but like they're walking through a graveyard or something.

Yeah, right, exactly.

There's just a lot going on that just like makes me like uncomfortable.

Interesting.

It's weird.

It's one of those things.

And it's, I didn't, I never really,

I think I was talking to

Ryan Beck

about it

years ago.

And like I never vocalized, I never said it out loud, but

he said it, and I was like, That I fucking get that, but the cheers

intro used to like creep me the fuck out.

Oh, the drawings,

yeah, it just oh, the drawings, you're right.

They were something weird about them, yeah.

Well, the old photographs and shit, and it's like this idea that, like, all of these people are having fun, but they're all dead now, yeah, you know, so it like interesting.

Yeah, you're right, you know, it's like that's dark.

Well, I don't know, it used to just creep me out, Yeah.

That's what it is.

I guess it's the banana rama thing is the same thing.

Yeah, just like the idea of people like having fun, and I'm going to be young forever.

And it's like, you see them now, they're just horrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then to think, oh, my youth is already gone, and I didn't have fun.

Yeah, I wasted it.

I completely wasted it.

I spent my fucking youth doing open mics in seafood restaurants

for fucking Dave Schauffer.

Yeah.

Uncle fucking Dave.

Uncle Dave.

Uncle Dave comedy.

Uncle Motherfucker.

One time when I was like first starting, someone's like, Uncle Dave's in the audience, so you might want to do a good set.

And I was like, even at that point, when I didn't know what the fuck was going on, I was like, I highly doubt that this is a big industry.

Yeah, dude.

He was the he controlled Red House Tavern.

There were so many dumb motherfuckers.

Uncle Dave's in the audience.

Did you ever meet Sensei Ernie?

I never met Sensei Ernie.

No, who the fuck is that?

It's just like it sounds like we're making these guys up.

They're real.

They're real.

Big, big,

big, fucking, nerdy white guy that, like, maybe taught karate or something.

Oh, yes.

He was also a magician, and he was like, just fucking terrible.

But he was like an open micer, and he would come to Wise Acres and then come to, like,

I guess we would go, like, hang out at Clyde's afterwards sometimes.

Nice.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, dude.

The Sensei.

Yeah, Sensei Ernie.

Nah.

Uncle Dave ran shit, baby.

There was another uncle.

Was there a different uncle?

There was a different uncle.

Damn.

Yeah.

The uncle's Dave.

Did he send his little dick pics to female open micers?

No.

His tiny pink ass penis.

You probably got a pink dick, Nick, huh?

It's more.

Well, I guess it's multiple colors.

Yeah, it's pink.

It's purple.

My shit's kind of blue.

Yeah.

No.

Blue.

Greeny.

Greeny.

A sick green.

A gangrenous cock.

Yeah, I have a gangrenous cock.

That makes it cool.

Yellowy green.

Yeah.

Do you have to drain it?

Uh, yeah, I have to drain it three times a day.

I have, like, a little spout that I turn.

I was watching videos the other day of like people that get like hematomas underneath their thumbnail, like their nail, and like a blood blister.

And you heat up a needle and then burn a hole through the

nail

to let the blood out.

No, fuck that.

And apparently it's supposed to be really relieving, but that, yeah, you have to like burn a hole through the fingernail.

It's fucked up.

Yeah.

I hate that.

Yeah.

But I saw it and I'm like, damn, I hope that happens.

Yeah, you want a blood blister under your fucking finger?

Cool project.

I hate blisters, dude.

Yeah.

Although there is something nice about popping them bitches.

Seeing that weird pus.

Yeah, but then you have that baggy, like that little baggy shit.

Looks like a condom after

you came in and you wait for it to fall off and it's nasty.

Damn, dude.

Fucking.

I freaking hate condoms, man.

What about you fellas?

I freaking hate them.

Go off.

No one should use them.

Damn.

What did you guys think of the...

Since we're going down memory lane, what did you think of the Mentos commercials?

That was one of the first things I learned how to do parodies of.

I loved them.

Even though they were weird, and they were so different than American shit because they were European.

Well, you know my opinion on twins anyway.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, when I was able to suck each other's dicks, they do suck each other's dicks, and they're all lying if they say they haven't.

When I was a little kid, they're all 69.

When I would watch those Mentos commercials, I would laugh so hard.

Just imagining like a guy hitting on a girl, and she's like, No, or whatever.

And then he's like, you know, uses a Mentos, and then he goes in his car and he's like, Ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba, and he gets a gun.

But yeah, that was like a a big hit for me.

Oh, yeah, that's big.

That's big time.

I remember trying

putting a mento.

I was like, mom, I need a fucking mentos.

Because I thought any problem I had, I could just pop a mentos in my mouth.

It's so funny how susceptible the commercial is.

Like, it would be like my friends wouldn't let me get a turn at playing the Power Rangers Nintendo game, and then I would eat a Mentos and ask again, and they'd be like, No.

We already did.

I would be like, what the fuck?

This candy sucks, dick.

And it didn't taste that good.

Mentos fucking smelling.

Well, it's not candy.

It's breath mint.

What?

Yeah.

Mentos is not.

It's not candy.

You're right.

It's a mint.

I thought it was candy.

That's why it freshened.

They say it's mentos freshens.

But it's so chewy.

Mentose.

No, it's gum.

You're just eating gum.

It's like half mint, half gum.

Damn, I would honestly gulp those bitches up whenever I got them.

You know what's the most incredible candy in the world?

What's that?

The hi-chew.

Hai chew's not that high chew.

It's the gum that you can swallow.

No, this is crazy.

This is a garbage taste.

What are you talking about?

It's amazing.

That's a stupid.

The greatest candy in the fucking world.

Mango hai chew is my favorite candy.

Shut up.

No, you're out of your fucking mind.

Now, listen, is there some kind of good quality to a hai chew?

Sure.

It's better than it should be.

In terms of the sensation of having it, of chewing it and then being able to swallow it afterwards.

Because it's like you can never swallow.

Does it remind you of a man's cum?

You don't chew cum.

You do.

Why would you chew it?

You do.

You seem to know a lot about how to swallow and drink cum man.

Yeah.

I don't know that.

I just.

We don't know.

I thought you chewed.

I know.

Do you never see the cum

that comes out of your dick?

Yeah, sure.

No, I don't.

I don't know.

I'm looking at my fucking dick.

That is gay.

That is gay.

What are you gay?

I see the base of my cock when it comes if it's in a girl's mouth, but I don't see the cum.

Yeah.

Because I'm not gay.

Every time you've ever busted is inside a girl's mouth, she swallowed it.

Yeah.

You don't know what the blast looks like.

I've never seen it.

Well, you know if she chews or not after you've busted out because I close my eyes.

You close your eyes out of respect.

And I'm imagining all white women.

That's what I like about you.

I'm imagining a white woman instead.

What's that?

That's why I have my eyes closed.

I only fuck black girls.

Right.

But I have my eyes closed.

You're racist, yeah.

But I'm racist.

Interesting.

Yes.

Yeah.

White women won't fuck me because I'm racist.

Oh.

So he has to close his eyes.

Because I don't apply black women.

Ah, interesting.

You're lying to them.

Well, I'm not lying to them.

You're gaslighting them.

Yeah, but gaslighting only applies to white women.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah, it hasn't reached other communities.

Black women in Puerto Rican Regan women just fight with you.

Right.

If you try and get them.

They just are just punching.

They're from the old school where you can just have disputes with people and say things.

Yes.

They don't, like, experience their relationships through a series of group chats on Twitter.

Interesting.

And, you know, supplanting psychotherapy for a network of women they barely know on the internet.

Right.

You know, that's the move now.

That is true.

I get all my relationship advice from group chats.

From yeah, someone with an anime avatar.

It's like, it sounds like you're being abused.

Oh, wow.

Thank you.

I'm going to call the police right now.

Yes?

Oh, no, they watched things on my Netflix account and it fucked up my suggestions.

What do you mean that's not rape?

Well,

Why don't you fucking speak to my friends

in my group chats who say otherwise?

That's right.

Who say it's a form of physical violence?

Why don't you speak to what's a pun

with a Japanese guy's name?

Huh?

Honda

Element.

That's right.

Hi, my name is Honda Element.

Sir, that's just the name of a car.

Shhh shut up.

Listen, this is a real phone call.

Shut up for a second.

Sir, that's the name of a car.

Sir, you're in a Honda dealership.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm a man.

Ma'am, I'm a police officer named Officer Honda Elements.

And I demand to have this car for free.

You're wearing uh hot sauce sweatpants bottoms?

Are you wearing hot sauce pajama bottoms?

You're wearing the top ramen clothes from Target.

There's a hole in your little part of your penis is sticking through it, sir.

Sir,

you're opening your wallet and it's just filled with diarrhea.

And it's a Velcro wallet, by the way.

That's not a badge.

It's a Velcro wallet.

It's a Velcro wallet full of shit.

A police officer named Honda Element, and

I demand to have this card.

Sir, you've written Honda Element in diarrhea.

Ma'am, excuse me.

At least let me have free coffee from the coffee machine.

Okay, if that means you'll leave, you can have some coffee.

No, I'll pay you for this.

Sir, what are you doing with that tent?

Ma'am, this is a stakeout.

I'm on a stakeout.

We believe someone is trying to steal the Honda Element from the showroom.

And I'm on assignment.

The police department has asked me

to capture this tent.

I am to live in this tent, and you are to bring me some of the animal crackers from next to the coffee machine to live off of until we get to the bottom of who's trying to steal.

Yes, I said my name was Honda Elleman earlier.

I was confused.

Well, it is my name, but

it's a coincidence.

My name is Toyota Viper.

Detective.

Detective Toyota Viper, by the way.

I know you close at seven, but what part of I am a police officer don't you understand?

You've seen my badge.

Ah, fuck.

That's a good con, dude.

Yeah.

That's another good con.

Yeah.

Here's the thing.

Get in, boys.

Put the big bill on the outside, and then you stroll right in, pretend to have Down syndrome, and you walk out with all the candy in the store.

What's the point of putting the bill on the outside?

Oh, I don't know.

It just looks cool.

The key is that they think you're mentally retarded.

That's right.

But it's the 1920s, Frank.

Wouldn't I just be in prison?

Wouldn't they send me to a jail with gay people and other retards?

Wouldn't I just be in prison?

Wouldn't I be charged with mental retardation?

Damn, they really, really did not have a good go at things

for quite some time.

And still, not, you know.

Oh, no, they get to speak to Congress now.

They all go to the Olympics.

First of all, being a retarded person.

They all get in.

Being a retarded person sounds awesome.

Yeah, it does.

First of all, there's no greater accomplishment than working a minimum wage job that's subsidized by the state.

So it's like you don't even get paid, really.

Yeah.

They make like a dollar a week.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Wait, what do you mean it's subsidized?

The company.

The McDonald's does that whole thing about like we hire retarded people, you know, army heroes.

And I haven't looked into this at all.

But they.

Yeah, they like get like huge tax breaks or whatever.

Or like, you know, they.

But they still get the paycheck.

The retarded guy gets the paycheck, but they get paid like prison money.

Right.

Oh, really?

They don't make minimum wage?

Because they get housing.

I don't think they get minimum wage.

Interesting.

I think there's some thing where it's like, yeah, they get.

Again, you haven't looked into it.

I have not looked at it.

And it does not sound right, but

let me look it up.

Let me look up whether retarded people get paid for

if they're treated like prisoners.

What would your job be if you were mentally

retarded?

Movie theater ticket tear guy.

That's a good one.

I would say grocery portal.

Because I get to meet so many nice people going to see the movies.

I get to tell them the wrong theater to go into.

That's nice.

Go to 8th.

That is one of the perks of theater.

Even though they're like, well, on my ticket, it says I'm in theater 11.

No, it's 8th.

It's 8th.

Haha, I just sent you to a girl movie.

Oh, that would be.

Oh, so you would know.

I would know.

I'd do little tricks and then have a little mischievous smile.

Smile and then be like,

advocates of the disabled are trying to change a law that allows some employers to pay workers less than the minimum wage because they have a disability.

Wow, that is fucked up.

Why is that the law?

That's the joke we were doing, is that you would be in prison in the 20s.

And it's like, well, you're retarded.

We can't pay you minimum wage.

Federal law allows about 30

employers in Washington to pay workers less than minimum wage because those workers have disabilities that impair their productivity for the work being performed.

That's wild.

But advocates say this practice exploits people who deserve a shot at being productive.

Yeah, I don't know how it works exactly, but yeah, those companies hire retarded people because you can pay them less.

Damn.

And they still will do work.

What the fuck?

To a certain extent, yeah.

It's like if you're bagging groceries or sweeping or whatever the fuck.

But imagine if, like, imagine how shitty that feels if you're the other guy that works at McDonald's.

If this guy does every detail of your job to know.

Yeah.

I mean, that actually happened to me.

I was working at a pizza restaurant and they hired a retarded guy and the manager told me, he's like, he's a better employee than me.

I'm sure he is.

And I mean, he wasn't better at the job.

I would just show up late or fucked up.

He's enthusiastic.

No, not even.

No,

he was like a non-verbal zombie, basically.

But he did the work.

Yeah, yeah, that guy was better.

Yeah, he was just like,

We need you to clean the bathroom, Michael.

He'd be like, Oh,

yeah.

Then he'd be in the bathroom for seven hours, but he would do it.

Yeah, I mean, instead of just leaving, yeah,

instead of being like, No, I'm not doing it.

Yeah, instead of eating pizza and leaving and being like, No,

I'm not doing any of that shit.

Did you go here until you fired?

Yeah, of course.

At PPJ's?

At every pizza restaurant I've ever worked at.

Did you leave every day with a free pizza?

No, I mean, I would be.

Damn, this bitch is about to bite you, dude.

Damn, yeah, she's mad at this.

Whatever's going on here.

The cat hates Nick's thigh.

Yeah.

Because it's too powerful.

Because it's weak.

No, it's too weak.

She's weak and it's just too strong for her.

It makes her mad how weak your legs are.

No, they're too strong.

Yeah, no, any restaurant you've ever worked at should give you free food.

If they don't, you should steal it.

Yeah.

Did you ever work at a restaurant?

I never worked at a restaurant, no.

Neither have I.

Any food service?

Never in food service, no.

Damn.

My mom was a waitress, and she was like, don't do that shit.

Yeah, my sister has

served wait at tables for years now.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, she has.

She says OJ now comes in twice a week.

Really?

Yeah.

Whoa, the cat about was about to sleep.

Pretty sick, right?

Damn.

Nick's little ass thigh.

My strong.

My legs are strong.

Do you think your sister's going to have sex with O.J.

Simpson?

I hope so.

Does your sister know that me and her had sex?

I don't know if she knows that.

Oh, okay.

All I could ask her.

Yeah.

I'll get back to you when I go something.

Yeah.

I mean, she was

pretty knocked out there.

Oh, no.

So you had sex with my sister when she was

sleeping?

Yes.

See, that's crazy because I had sex with her when she was away.

We both did.

I think I was in my carriage on the way to my manor.

In a carriage?

Yeah, me and Stav were on the way to

my chateau.

Where's your chateau?

I forgot about it.

Was I asleep too?

Yeah.

Oh, you sucked my dick and fucked me.

No, we both fucked Adam's sister while we were drunk off absinthe.

Your sister was asleep on the way to my chateau.

No, I was sleeping too.

This was back when I was the marquis.

I was sleeping, too, and I did it under Nick's orders because he was the Marquis and he had

his family killed if I said I said I was going to have his family killed.

I'd rather have I said good sir my name is Pierre the Marquis de Saint Pierre Saint Toyota Viper

de Saint Toyota Viper

the Viper good sir come into my manor aka this tent and I'm on the dealership

I don't know how to get him out of here 20 minutes ago he was a police officer now he's the Marquis

there's a sleeping girl some fat guy and he's making the fat guy fuck the sleeping girl They're raping some girl in his tent.

And he keeps telling me he's a police officer and the marquee.

Is that a style of rape where someone just makes other people have sex with each other?

I would guess so.

It has to be, right?

Yeah, because I was crying.

Yeah.

You were crying when you're

in.

I can't believe I'm going with this.

I have no loyalty to anyone in my real life.

This is a fake person.

I forgot it was even about your sister, right?

Oh, in the story.

You're laughing about the guy at the Honda dealership.

There's no continuity here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because for a while, this was me as the marquee.

Yeah.

Well, it turns out Nick is the guy.

Nick's been the guy the whole time.

This bit is like a dream where it's like just changes every 10 seconds.

You know, sometimes if the show's bad, it's good to lean into sort of that sort of dream logic.

I like that.

That's something I learned from the Jerry Bruckheimer Don Simpson Jerry Rose interview.

I thought you were saying that.

He says, you got to let things breathe to you.

As Jerry says.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So, anyways, we're in the Honda dealership.

And then he's dressed in a fucking full revolutionary.

Instantly, I know that the man to play Toyota Viper

is Denzel.

And for a number of reasons.

I like that you're not only on your phone, but the microphone is just gone.

I texted him.

Yeah, we already texted him.

We said, Adam.

I'm asking him to bring my

whole world.

Oh, yeah.

yeah, just text him on that group chat with the whole world.

Can you say, Jamel, can you bring my jewel charger next to the couch on the lawn?

Whatever, the cord or whatever we're talking about.

My last text from him is at 4:19 a.m.

You still up, Bubby.

We're trying to kiss you.

I guess I was sleeping.

You're trying to kiss him.

No, he texts me that.

He was trying to.

You texted him.

Can I kiss you?

That's fucking weird, dude.

That's weird that you texted him that.

He texted me

back.

No, you texted him.

No, I'm texting him right now.

Yeah.

Where'd you text him?

Can I kiss you?

No, I was sleeping.

Dude, I look I'm hold on.

You must have been asleep having one of your ambient gay fugues that's right.

When you take your ambient fugitive.

No, I ran out.

Me and Dashboard.

Me and Dasha

took all the ambient.

Do you stay up and, like, have a do you fight it so they can do weird shit?

We stay up,

yeah, and then and then Dasha buys things on online.

Like what?

Things off of AliExpress, and then like we get it in 45 to 60 business days.

And then she's like completely does not remember buying any of it.

It's a fun game, honestly.

It is a fun game.

Yeah.

What kind of stuff do you buy?

She bought some butt plugs.

Nice.

That's cool.

Stretch you out.

She bought, yeah, for me.

She bought some like weird.

It was just a fire hydrant in the middle of Adam's living room.

Like, what is that for?

And he's like, don't worry about it.

Just a fire hydrant and then just like a fucking lube dispenser with a pump

instead of a bottle.

She buys like a lot of knickknacks.

A lot of stuff on AliExpress is like $5 or less.

Interesting.

Yeah.

You ever been to that store Five Below?

Yeah, of course.

Great stuff.

Great store.

Get a bunch of shitty plastic toys.

Look for the poorest kid in the store, and you follow him around with his mom.

And you wait until his eyes light up at some toy, and then you walk over and you take every single one of them.

You go, oh, I'm purchasing all of these.

And it's so fun.

And it only costs about $50.

Yeah, that's

for the for to scar a child for life.

The price of admission to six flags, you could just go to five below.

And really rub it in a working mother's face.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm purchasing all of these.

If you want one, it's now $200.

I don't know.

It's the free market.

Ma'am.

Have you ever heard of capitalism?

Ma'am, my name is Grover St.

Clair.

I am a marquee and a capitalist.

A capitalist.

The guy Fibo is like, we got more in the back if you want.

I'll purchase all of those.

I want those too.

It depends, ma'am.

Does the free market love your son, or do you?

Capitalist.

Capitalist Grover St.

Clair.

That's such a funny modifier.

I am a capitalist, dude.

I love it.

I'm a marquee and a capitalist.

Marquee and a

But what that means to you is that you just buy toys, the children buy.

Buy toys and try and sell them to children for double.

Yeah, you just rip off poor single mothers.

I guess that works.

Or try and make a different kind of

arrangement with them.

Oh, yeah.

A sexual one.

Well, possibly.

Ma'am, you have another option.

You can buy me the toys I want, and in exchange, I'll give your son

one of these.

What toy is that PlayStation for?

I don't have $400.

Well, it looks like your son is going to die sad hating his mother, his slut mother, that wouldn't buy a PlayStation for a batop-hatted gentleman or suck his dick

in the middle of the dollar.

Yeah, ma'am, I already said I can just put my penis in one end of my top hat, and you can put your face through the other and it will happen in private

no top of the top hat it's just a cylinder ma'am I've brought this antique photography equipment so you can drape

and I've replaced the camera with my dick

you can drape it over your face

I'll even let the young chat play with a toy while you suck my dick.

It's just a simple business exchange in the middle of the five below.

This place of free market ideas.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This marketplace.

We got a call earlier.

He was living in the Honda dealership.

I'm pretty sure it's the same guy.

He broke into a magic supply store and got a top hat.

And now he's in the five below.

And then he's trying to fucking rape women.

What did he tell you?

His name was like Toyota St.

Clair or something?

Yeah, no, it's the same guy.

He broke into the fucking magic store.

And one of the guys there obviously told him about libertarianism.

Yeah, we get a lot of calls.

He's trying to rape and tell people about the free market.

We get a lot of calls about that guy.

Yeah, he's been in that shopping center for about the last 15 years.

Yeah, we really don't know what to do with him.

Oh, fuck.

You know, speaking of one of those things where you suck dick through a top hat,

there was a Japanese game show where they tried to see if a straight guy.

This is the kind of, this is the level of like game show that Japan is on, which I respect so much.

They had a straight porn star,

and they were like, Do you think a gay man can get you to bust your load?

And he was like, No way.

And they had like a gay porn star suck his dick on television, but his head was in a little box.

And they just,

like, an auditorium full of people watched these men have gay sex and they're like cheering the gay guy on yeah and he made him bust

was the show called the mouth is a mouth I don't know basically it was so funny

he was like this fat gay guy hey you ever see that show the mouth is a mouth

Vinny no no Vinny we haven't yeah where is Vin up where is Vin man I don't know in Connecticut

what's up with Bam dude any news on the Bam front yeah I've been following him on Instagram

He lets people come over to his house for like three hours a day and use his

skate ramp.

He gave out

his gate code

on Instagram.

He's like, yo, if you're trying to come over here and skate, my gate code is like

1879.

Yeah.

We should go, dude.

Try to go skate with him.

I think he's back into skating.

Good for him.

He's got a lot of people.

He's returning to his roots.

Should I get into skating?

Yes.

I have a skater's physique, people have told me.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You need a low center of gravity

so you can land to the 360, you land it.

You have awkwardly large feet for your height.

I actually do.

You have like size 14 feet or something.

13.

13.

Anywhere between 11 and a half, 13, depending on the shoe.

The brand.

Because I wear it very wide.

Oh, yeah.

My actual size foot is 11 and a half quadruple wide.

Damn.

Yep.

And my penis does not match that.

Which is a real shame.

But what are you going to do?

Kill yourself.

What?

Yeah, I won't.

I'm back on this shit about how retards don't get paid as much.

That is fucked up, man.

It's funny that they made that a law.

That you can pay them less.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some guy's in the fucking state legislature.

He's like, all right,

I'm going to put this to vote.

Here's my proposal.

We pay retards less.

This is some common sense stuff that we can all reach across the aisle for.

You're You're not going to pay a fucking.

I want to get bipartisan consensus.

We all hate the retarded.

Let's reach across the aisle, Maverick style.

John McCain.

This is great.

This is an article from 2001.

And just listen to how it's on Slate.

Listen to how this language

would not be acceptable.

Just days ago, Explainer answered the question: Does the law treat the insane differently than the retarded?

However, the item did not explode the legal rights of the retarded and others.

It was 18 years ago.

Oh, I thought you said 2011.

No, I said 2001 was that long ago.

2001.

Yeah.

Did not explore the legal rights of the retarded in other areas, such as marriage, home ownership, and the right to eat their own poop.

I don't think that was there.

Well, I am adding

a little bit of flourish.

Flavor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put a little seasoning on it.

How do you escalate?

The American Association of Mental Retardation defines it.

Damn.

Is that real?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm sure they've changed their name.

Check it out.

Why?

Because it's 9-11?

Yeah.

That's when it all.

A lot of people don't know this.

Muhammad Ata had Down syndrome.

Well, he just hated the usage of the R Slur.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not about America's imperialism.

It's not about imperialism.

Well, it's the imperialism of the R slur.

They're going to other countries, making them use it.

It's fucked up.

It's now the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities.

Intellectual Disabilities.

Yeah, that's way worse than that.

I got intellectual disabilities.

I'm sorry.

The retarded.

How about a guy with Down syndrome who goes into a coma in 1998 and he comes out of the coma?

They're like, good news, you're not retarded anymore.

He's like, I'm not.

They're like, no, you're intellectually disabled.

That's very funny.

Oh, okay.

Oh, good.

That's good news.

Yeah.

Take me to the five below immediately.

Drive me to the Honda dealership immediately.

That's so funny.

It's like saying you cured cancer by just changing the name,

which you could.

Just

like that same guy that just comes in there, like, this is a woman with her kid with Down syndrome, being like, ma'am,

I'm a medical doctor.

My name is Price Cooper.

Dr.

Price Cooper, and your son has Down syndrome.

That'll be $500.

Excuse me.

I've diagnosed him with Down syndrome.

I'll be collecting my $500.

Make the check payable to.

just give me cash.

Just give me money.

In fact, whatever you have in your pocket doesn't have to be $500.

You could also purchase a PlayStation 4.

What do you mean I'm not a doctor?

I'm wearing this fucking coat, aren't I?

Don't I look the part?

It's like, no, that's a nightgown you tore in half.

Yeah.

That's a nightgown you scissored down the middle.

Yeah,

you're wearing women's clothes from the fat girl section at Target.

Oh, fuck, dude.

You're wearing the fat lady.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings.

Dude, I bet you maternity jeans are very comfortable.

Yeah,

you should straight up start wearing maternity clothes.

I'm about to start wearing them.

You know what?

I was in Target the other day, and I was looking at the fat mannequins that are just now everywhere.

There's just fat mannequins.

Yeah, yeah.

I was there the other day.

Here's the other thing, too.

If it's like good.

If this was like.

It's fat ladies, though.

I don't think they do fat man.

Yeah, they don't do fat men.

Nobody gives a shit about that.

No, no, fat women.

What the fuck?

Well, it's like

seven years ago, if you saw that, somebody would have been like, that's fucked up, dude.

Yeah.

That's really not nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it looks like a mockery.

Yeah.

Of fat people.

But I guess that's what they want.

They want to be laughed at.

They don't want to be laughed at.

They're forcing us to

be laughed at and mocked.

As the representative, I'll say that is not what we want.

We just want, we want.

As a fat woman.

as a fat woman, I think we should do the Israeli man who's probably had which is what and every single identity should have its own country.

What do you mean?

So, every discernible identity

should have its own country.

You're saying, like, a nation-state or an fat people?

Do you have to choose?

What if you're there's probably gonna be a nation-state, sure.

So, there's like a fat people, nation-state, yes,

a queer, disabled, Pakistani nation state, yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, it's every single one, or is it like they're general, but you get to choose which one you you get drafted into right, because couldn't you belong to multiple?

Yeah, I'm fat, I'm all sure, but then you have to develop a hierarchy of identities where it trickles down, and then within each nation state, there's different states that represent the subcategories.

Oh, okay, it seems complicated.

No, it doesn't.

It's like you weight, you weight your identity.

So we're like, I'm

gender or race.

That's an individual decision, and then

your choice of.

You weigh your own identity.

So it's not the state that you're.

If you're like, I'm a gay black man that's 400 pounds, you would move to the gay country and the black state and then the town for fats.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

I like that, actually.

Yeah.

But there's no variety, though.

You can't, like, what if you want to fuck, you know, different kind of people.

Yeah, what if you want to fuck straight Chinese people?

Yeah, so I'm a politician.

Just walking the UN.

My name is Dingus El Juwan.

And I have come up with...

No, it's not urine.

Ma'am, keep your hands off me.

Keep your hands off me.

Do not touch my super soaker.

Get me.

There is not urine in this super soaker.

It is just for my own.

I'm sorry.

Is your name Mason?

Is your name Mason?

Because these are not your jars unless that's your name.

I'm holding these jars for my friend Mason.

And it is not urine.

It's not.

I pissed all of these out myself.

I brought them here.

What do you mean?

No,

they're not urine.

Piss isn't ur.

Fuck.

It's different.

They're distilled.

It's different.

I ran through a Brita filter.

I've got them down in my basement cooling off for 40 days and nights and boil it down into pure phosphorus.

This is my invention.

I'm an inventor.

I'm boiling piss.

What happens if you boil piss down?

It's salt?

No, it boils down into phosphorus.

Into phosphorus, literally.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah.

Can't you make light bulbs out of that?

Uh sh sure

phosphorus is is luminescent so you can like it's pho yeah, like it's photoluminescent, so if you expose it to light and then turn the lights off, it'll like luminous.

Israel used white phosphorus in Gaza, which was like a terrible weapon.

Yeah.

You can make chemical weapons.

Yeah.

With your own piss.

With your own piss.

Interesting.

Was that what like um the guy that you know like those militia kind of guys, is that what they're up to?

Like, the

what's his name?

The guy that did Oklahoma City and stuff?

Are they, like, making chemical weapons with their own piss?

No?

Ted, Ted Bunton.

I keep wondering, it's not Ted Bunton.

It's like Kaczynski.

It's not.

Timothy McVeigh.

Timothy McVeigh.

I knew it was a T.

Whatever.

I don't know why I said that.

Is there another McVeigh?

Someone named McVay?

The coach of the Rams.

That's right.

That's who I'm thinking about.

Yep.

He's hot.

He's a young guy.

Young, hot, Gets nice pussy.

He's got a hot yes.

He does have a hot girlfriend.

Yeah.

I think there are guys on the team that are older than him.

Yep.

He slams nice pussy.

Sean McVay.

Sean McVay.

Belchick also slams old

nice pussy.

And his daughter, too.

He slams his daughter.

Does his daughter look like him?

Yeah, she's nasty and they kissed on the lips after he won the.

Nice.

Would you kiss?

You seem like the kind of person that would kiss your children on the lips, Adam.

Only my male children.

It's inappropriate if I do it to women.

Yeah, that's true.

My dad kissed me on the lips for way too long.

Yep.

I think I had to have a talk.

Say, stop kissing.

I think it was like,

Dad, I'm 25 years old.

Dropping you off for college.

Have a nice day, Addie.

Give me that mouth.

Show Papa what that mouth does, Adam.

What does that mouth do?

What does that mouth do, Adam?

You ever

suck a dick for money, Adam?

How much

on Jezebel for five minutes?

How much money?

What?

How much money?

I don't know.

It's up to you.

I said for money.

I didn't determine a price.

Yeah, if it was enough money, I'd do it.

Someone's like, here's $500,000

to suck a dick.

Yeah, of course.

Nice.

Well, guess what, dude?

Guess what?

We got a guy here.

For $500,000.

$500,000.

His name is Titus Miles.

Okay.

He's a marquee, a capitalist, a magician.

I'm a venture capitalist.

I'm investing in getting my dick sucked by Adam.

If you want to invest in that,

you've got to give me the $500,000 back.

I'm going to need 50% steak in your mouth from now on.

I get to fuck your mouth whenever I want, and I get to recapture my principal.

What do you mean?

That's not the agreement.

The agreement is I suck suck this dick.

Dude, half after the terms,

half after the bus.

First of all, you're coming to terms.

All right?

Just relax.

I would love that.

I would love an episode of Shark Tank where it's like all of them pass and it's only the foo boo guy.

And it's like,

yeah, it's like a girl.

She's like, cookies by Melissa.

And he's like, $200,000, 10% take, but you got to suck my dick right now.

I want that same thing but with mr wonderful just like dramatic shots of the woman's face and then up close on him tenting his fingers as they cut the commercial break yeah he's not smiling

yeah coming up on shark tank will melissa suck his dick

is mr wonderful gay i think i've asked this before yeah is he he's not

he's canadian it's weird that his name is kevin o'brien kevin O'Leary.

Yeah.

You think his name would be like David Scheimowitz or something.

No, he's Irish.

Just look at him.

He's one of your boys.

And then he's like, how you doing?

My name is Patrick O'Cleary.

He seems like someone that would pay men to to suck their dicks.

Oh, yeah.

That's the vibe I get from him.

Yeah.

Which is not a bad vibe, I guess.

That's just the impression that I get.

But I'm a bona bona.

Damn, I wonder what that guy's up to now.

Because he's probably close to death, and he's like, Fuck, I spent my whole life being in the mighty, mighty Bostons.

He's not near death, he's probably 60.

Yeah, no, is he that old?

Yeah, for sure.

Probably.

What's his name?

Dickie Barrett, the lead singer of the Boston.

Dickie Barrett's probably rich, dude.

Are they from Boston, Massachusetts?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, Boston's.

So it's a pun.

That's correct.

Because, like, tones, like, music.

Yeah, born June 22nd, 1964, so he's 78 years old.

No, that's not right.

Off the top of my head.

I'm just doing a little mental math.

No, because my mom's 60-something and she was born in the 50s.

Yeah, he's 54 years old, so he's close to death.

Oh, that's not bad.

Yeah.

And he's probably look up his net worth.

Damn.

I guess that band's been around because, yeah, the band's been around since, what, 83?

No.

Nice.

That long?

And they had one hit in the late 90s.

Do you remember that movie with fucking Mr.

Holland's Opus?

What was his name?

Kevin Spacey?

No.

Patrick Swayzey?

No, whatever.

It doesn't matter.

Patrick Spacey.

No.

Mr.

Holland's Penis.

The guy from Mr.

Holland's Opus.

Hello, I'm the star of Mr.

Holland's Open Poppy Poppy.

Richard Dreyfus.

Richard Dreyfus.

Mr.

Holland's Open Ass.

This is Adam's favorite movie.

Mr.

Asshole's Open Open.

Oh, I I wish I could conduct the opera someday.

Mr.

Assholes Open.

This is Richard Schwarz holding his ass cheeks open.

Ah, fuck.

That's a good one.

He has a little sign above his ass that says

closed, and

he flips it around.

It says open.

Put the little conductor thing in his ass and conduct it that way.

His baton.

yeah, that's a good idea.

Oh, yeah,

it's a very damn good idea.

What is a

is it okay?

This is gonna sound like a stupid question.

Oh, he's the announcer for Jimmy Kimmel.

Nice.

Oh, he is?

That's a cushion gig, probably.

That's a great gig.

He lives in LA.

He probably gets paid well.

Getting sucked off by him, man.

That's Goldfinger.

And he's from Rhode Island.

Doing everything I can do.

Yeah, that's not the money money.

To get sucked off by him, that's Goldfinger.

Trying to keep

my mouth on a D.

I can't wait to suck another D.

And I'm so confused about why these Gerals don't like me.

These Gerals.

And I'm so confused.

In New York.

This city is what dreams are made of.

This guy's driving an Uber singing that to himself.

Let's hear it for New York.

These lights will inspire you.

He's paying off his $9 million taxi medallion.

Poor fellow.

This city is what dreams are made of.

Let's hear it for New York.

I think Indian, I think a lot of Indian men are fans of Alicia Keys.

Yeah.

Bum, bum, bum, bum.

Ah, fuck, dude.

The joke isn't that he would like Alicia Keys.

It's that New York is never going to be nice to that guy.

No, I know.

I'm saying I think he's a big guy.

Are you saying?

Are you saying?

Maybe I am, dude.

He now lives in Los Angeles.

Dickie?

Yeah.

Yeah, he works on Jimmy Kimmel.

You get paid just to be like, and now, Jimmy Kimmel.

Yeah, for Wheel of Fortune, they like

Say Jack films like seven episodes in a day.

And then they just shoot the entire year in like a two-month period.

Really?

Respect.

Yeah.

That fucking rules.

He's a really good.

He's got great positive conservative thinker.

Should we do a game show?

Yeah.

Well, if you can actually come up with a game show idea, if you can come up with a card game that they like in Vegas, like, you'll be rich for life.

What do you mean, a card game?

Just any card game?

If you can come up with a game or something.

Or.

Yeah.

There.

I did it.

You didn't come up with it.

Yeah, but I'll p I'll be the one that pitches it.

Well, he did come up with it, Adam.

No, he didn't.

He just said the name of a game.

One, two, three.

He came up with the name of a game.

I declare a card game.

Like, if I had to come up with the name of a movie and I said Titanic, I came up with it.

it.

See?

No, you're not.

So you're saying you have to come up with a game.

So Blackjack.

That one already exists.

You fucking idiot.

They play that.

That's the same thing.

They play that war.

They already play that in Vegas.

They play war in Vegas now.

No, they don't.

Yes, they do.

No.

Don't pretend like you know because

I'm from Vegas.

They don't play war.

Yeah, they do.

No, they fucking don't.

Why are you mad?

Because I came up with a fucking card game and you said Blackjack like a fucking idiot.

I didn't say Blackjack.

It must be weird being a Jewish family that lives in Las Vegas.

There are plenty of Jewish family.

A place like that's about the possibility of losing money.

A good chance.

Yeah, did your family wake up every morning just in a cold sweat?

My dad, for a while, was gambling.

Was he?

Yeah.

Because it's everywhere, dude.

It's like you leave the supermarket, you pay for milk with a 20, and there's slot machines right after you check out.

You're like, oh, I'll just put my change in the slot machine.

Then, like, time just erases.

You're there for three hours.

That's insane.

Yeah.

They had slot machines in laundry mats.

Do they have

gas stations?

I think you're in grocery stores.

They don't have prostitutes in Las Vegas.

Every other county in Nevada, except for Clark County.

I thought they come up to you when you're playing and they're like, hey.

Those are waitresses.

Those are waitresses.

Cocktail waitresses.

No, cocktail waitresses dress like scantily clad and bring you drinks.

You get free drinks if you're playing the game.

No, no, no.

Again, the way I wanted to be in a fucking band/slash gang as a child,

I was led to believe from movies that there's whores that look nice that try and get you to fuck in Vegas.

Well, yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of prostitutes in Vegas, but it's not legal.

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, are they at the grocery stores?

It'd be funny if

there's sales, just Adam in like pumps and like a short red dress, just walking up and down the strip

just like working the blocks.

trying to put that boy pussy on trying to get some money

to play in a slot machine yeah i would never revert to street movies just having having sex with nicholas cage in a hotel room he's drinking himself to death who was that elizabeth something elizabeth shu Elizabeth shu

yeah she was she was pretty hot yeah she was she didn't really work after that movie She was in a couple of movies I know kind of went away I know the name and I don't really know anything about movies so she must be kind of famous.

There was another actress I thought about the other day.

I couldn't remember.

Patricia Arquette.

No.

That's a good one.

She rules.

I would love to go in a time machine and smash.

I would smash her now, honestly.

It'd be funny if they

placed her in boyhood.

Because she kind of stopped acting, but she's in boyhood.

No, she didn't stop acting.

She did too many.

No, she's in that prison brain.

Escape from Danamora.

Yeah.

Which I got horny while she was getting

kid.

You could see, like, you know.

She she gets fucked by the inmates.

Yep, she did.

And you can't see her, like, dressier or tiss, but you can see the part, uh, you know, the part that's like when your pants are pulled down and you're like side profile, and you can see like side thigh ass.

Damn, she was in a movie called Holes.

I'm trying to go see that.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

We got Patricia Arquette, the guy who doesn't understand.

The guy that doesn't know that movies are gay.

Now he's horny.

Ooh, baby.

I can't wait to go.

What the hell is this?

It's a bunch of fake kids.

They're doing gay shit in the desert.

There's not a single hole in the goddamn thing.

Nobody's fucking a hole.

What the fuck?

Yeah, she was in Escape from Dan Moore, and then she was in that other thing about that crazy girl or that mom who had who kept pretending her daughter was sick.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's the said 4chan killed the munchers.

Was it 4chan?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, like she gets in the interview.

You showed us that documentary.

Yeah, it's Munchausen by Proxy.

Yeah, that girls.

So she's in jail right now.

Yeah, free gypsy.

Free gypsy.

Yeah.

That guy killed her mom and then like,

I think raped Gypsy Rose.

Nice.

I thought they were in love.

Nah, but he in the documentary.

That's cool.

You think that's cool?

I don't even hear what you said.

Murdering a woman and raping her daughter.

Maybe that's the kind of mom I'll be one day.

Yeah.

A munchausen by proxy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Convince yourself.

You can't get out of bed.

You're too sick.

Let Papa sleep.

Let daddy off.

Let me give you some poison real quick.

And just go take a long sleepy.

Yeah.

Now you're going to like make your kid do baseball, but then not encourage him or really be supportive.

No, no, I'm not putting my my kid into baseball.

Yeah, so your kid will be like, I really want to play baseball, and you're like, no, you're not doing that.

My dad made me do it.

My dad made me play baseball.

So

you're going to

do it.

You're going to do a little bit of soccer because

baseball is just standing around.

Well, soccer, you're running the whole time.

You won't be a performatively

supportive soccer father.

Yeah, you'll spend most of the time talking to the other guys, being like, my dad was such an asshole to me, Dory.

And then your kid's scoring, you're not even paying attention.

My dad was so bad to me.

Well, he has to work for my attention, that's true, and that inspires him to be a better soccer player.

Yeah, you know, and then one day he'll be at the World Cup, and I'll be talking to some guy sitting next to me about my dad, and he'll score the winning goal because I'm because he's convinced I'm not watching.

You're gonna have a son, you guys are gonna end up in a gray garden situation.

Just

too, too old.

Big Adam and Little Adam.

Yeah, Little Adam's like, I've been doing some open mics, and Adam's like, I was a much better comedian.

I was the funniest girl

in New York in those days.

In Southampton.

I used to, yeah, we would go out to West Egg with

Clarence and Toyota St.

Clair.

He was a baron, you know.

He was a marquee.

A marquee.

Back then, New Jersey had marquees.

I can't wait to see that, Adam.

Well, folks, listen, come see us in Canada.

We're going to be there

in June, which it is now already.

They added a second show for Vancouver.

Vancouver, it sold out.

We will now have a show on the 17th, a Monday.

So come see us then,

or wait, I'm sorry, the 24th.

I don't fucking know.

Just go to Cometown.events.

We're going to Toronto on the 14th.

And then the other ones I forget, but Cometown.events.

And then also, I will be in Los Angeles in a week at the Lyric Hyperion.

I'm doing some some new stuff.

It's a cheap show.

Ten buckaroos.

Come see me.

It'll be a fun time.

And if you're in Canada, come see the boys.

Goodbye, everyone.

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