Ep. 157 – Arthur

Ready to elevate your wardrobe?

Check out Bohm, where fashion meets fun.

From trendy dresses and chic tops to versatile denim and cozy sweaters, Bohm has it all.

With great quality, affordable prices and freshly picked new arrivals every week.

You'll always find something new and exciting.

Plus, our accessories collection will add the perfect finishing touch to any outfit.

Whether you're dressing up for a special occasion or keeping it casual, Bohm has the perfect pieces to match your style.

Head over to Bohm.com today and start your style journey with Bohm.

Your perfect outfit is just a click away.

Don't miss the EV lease incentive ending soon.

And now, well-qualified current FCA lessees, get an ultra-low mileage lease on the 2025 Jeep Wrangler Sport S4xE for $189 a month for 24 months with $3,079 due at signing.

Tax, title, license extra.

No security deposit required.

Call 1-888-925-JEAP for details.

Requires dealer contribution and lease through Stellantist Financial.

Extra charge for miles over 10,000.

Current vehicle must be registered to consumer 30 days prior to lease.

Includes 7,500 EV cap cost reduction.

Not all customers will qualify.

Residency restrictions apply.

Take delivery by 9:30.

Jeep is a registered trademark.

Star Top of the podcast.

I've never had six.

Oh, I've never had chicks.

We've never had six.

Star to top.

It's going.

Pump.

Welcome to Come Town.

Welcome to Come Town episode.

Who, whatever, who cares?

We're here.

I just had a kind bar before the episode this time.

Me too.

To get charged up.

To get charged up.

To go Super Saiyan.

Kind bar, some kind bud.

We got kind bud flowing.

We got fucking 4 loco

before they changed the formula.

I got a bunch of it saved in a fucking.

I told y'all about my friend Tristan, right?

Who bought crates and crates of 4 loco when he found out that they were making it illegal.

He went to Virginia and just got pallets.

He went to Costco.

He ran out of all of that,

drank through all of that.

And then he would buy the decaffeinated four locos.

And then he'd buy five-hour energy, take a couple sips, pour it in the decaffeinated four loco.

Respect.

And then a couple weeks later, his lung collapsed.

And then I saw him like a few days after the collapsed lung, and I'm like, he was at a party.

I'm like, Kristen, are you okay?

He's like, yeah, I'm good.

I'm just like rolling a little bit tonight.

He's chill.

Yeah, he loved to party.

He loved to party.

What's the up to?

Shout out to that guy.

Shout out, Tristan.

He lives in Seattle and he's got a good job somewhere.

Nice.

You ever had that For Loco while you were drunk?

Yeah.

Did you enjoy it?

Did you enjoy yourself?

The first time I blacked out hard was off 4 loco.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Because I had had nights where it was kind of hazy.

And then, but, you know, I'd be like, man, I blacked out the other night.

And it's like, I know, that just means I kind of don't remember.

And then the first time I had 4 loco was just hours gone.

It was like daytime.

It was the last thing I remember.

I think one of them is the equivalent of a bottle of wine.

Yeah.

And I was like,

and I'd have like two.

It's like, I guess it's 6 a.m.

And I'm like waking up underneath a Boflex.

That's not the time you woke up having sex with a woman.

No, and I didn't really wake you up.

Yeah, no, I was at like a Halloween party, and I got into an argument with some lady, and then

I remember that's like a hazy thing where it's like, I don't really remember what happened, and then we're in the kitchen, and like, you know, we're doing shots.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I insulted her friend months prior, and then she decided to confront me at that Halloween party outside.

Nice.

And I was like, look, I don't care.

She was being a bitch.

And then.

And then you were like, here's a rebuttal.

Here's a fucking rhetorical rebuttal for you, bitch.

Four and a half semi-hard inches.

Right.

Well, no, I.

Wait, no, it was like, because then I remember we were doing shots of Jameson in the kitchen, and I don't remember anything.

And then I just remember being in the bathroom, and like her pussy, she was like 40.

So her pussy, it was like I couldn't get my dick in her pussy.

Yeah.

And she's like, just jam it in.

Wow.

I'm like, I got to get out of here.

What do you mean you couldn't get it in?

It's just like, well, I mean, it was like not.

It wasn't dried up.

Yeah, it wasn't wet enough.

Don't they say that's a woman's sexual prime is when she's 40?

Yeah, that's some bullshit that's a broad say, right?

No, I think that's real.

Is that wearing our sexual prime at 18 and women at 40?

Yeah.

I bet that's real.

Is that real?

I don't know.

I think that's a thing that Jewish men say to each other in their little horny conversations they have.

When we fuck 40-year-olds, shouldn't it be the other way around?

Girls.

No.

They say that women are in their prime at 40.

No.

It would be the other way around.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

They say that men are at their sexual peaks at 65 and women at 14.

I did fuck a 40-year-old woman when I first moved here.

I was, I guess, 26.

And she did have a remarkably wet pussy.

So

that goes to Adam's argument.

Yeah.

I mean, I've just heard that.

I don't know if that's a real thing.

She squirted all over her IKEA couch.

She was a squirter.

Yes.

And she wouldn't suck dick.

She wouldn't suck dick.

No.

That makes sense to me.

I was young.

I had to pay my dues.

No, I think that sucking dick is probably more more intimate than having sex with someone.

Getting your pussy eaten.

You're just like at the union, they're like, Yeah, those don't count as dues.

I don't think you understand what dues are.

Well, come on, folks.

I've been eating pussy for years with no reciprocation whatsoever.

You put your time.

Do you want to be a foreman yet?

Don't I get some vaid vacation?

But yeah, we were supposed to go see Captain America.

And then we just had sushi and

wait, wait it was on like a date.

You went on an organized date with

Topton America.

Yes, but

we didn't actually see the movie.

She just wanted this little hog too bad.

Oh, she was a chubby chaser.

I guess so.

You said Topped in America, Nick?

Yeah, it's alright.

The moment's asked.

Sorry.

No, it's fine.

We're going to go down that road, but.

I would have liked to.

Topted in America.

No, no, I still want to.

Topped in America.

So he was frozen.

He's frozen before anyone was allowed to be gay.

He was a nerd that didn't know how to suck dick, and then they give him drugs to make him really good at

dick.

And then he got frozen, brought to the future.

They go to World War II, and then he's just like sucking all the, like blowing all the notches and sucking Hitler's dick.

And then the Russians sacrificed 22 million people to win the war.

And then the Americans are like, we did it.

That's really good.

I like that one.

Yeah, shout out to Stalin, though, for real.

Why?

For just throwing bodies at the German war machine.

The Russians had the same kind of body count as your bitch.

Everyone listening home.

That's true.

That's true.

Everyone listening at home, your girl fucked as many guys as

Hitler killed or whatever.

The Russians.

You know what the fuck I'm saying.

I get it.

Now, okay, let's go.

Let's talk Kremlin.

Let's talk.

How about another Holocaust, but it's for Hispanic people.

Okay, okay.

They get sent into the showers and they're crying and screaming because of the regular showers.

Oh.

How about that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Has anyone done that one yet?

I don't think it's been done.

I think that's new.

That's new territory.

Sure.

I feel like I may have said that in seventh grade.

Yeah, probably.

Probably so.

Now, what's up with that colorful ass palace they got?

So that's not the Kremlin.

That's not the Kremlin.

That's St.

Basil's.

That's St.

Basil Basil's Cathedral.

But everyone thinks that's the Kremlin, but the Kremlin is...

That's just like their...

No, it's just a good thing.

That's why they hate LGBT rights in Russia, is because the gays used to run everything.

Yep, as

evidenced by that.

That was their castle.

They had a gay castle.

And they would go around forcing everyone to have gay sex.

So

when the

revolution happened.

Of course.

Which revolution?

1917.

Bullshit.

October revolution.

That's the Bolshevik.

That's when they wetted up all those fucking

Anastasia and her fucking dad.

Yeah, they fucked.

They took the Tommy guns and fucked them up.

They were wearing coins and shit, so they got really fucked up.

The what?

They were wearing jewelry or some shit.

Who?

Anastasia and

her dad.

What?

Are you referencing a thing or are you doing a a bunch of referencing real life?

I just don't remember their names.

So I'm calling them.

The Romanovs?

Yes, the Romanovs.

They were wearing jewelry

because they were rich.

And they were sneaking the jewelry.

I just saw something on Twitter, I think.

Oh, okay.

Or Facebook, even.

Sometimes I'll go on the Facebook.

That sounds like a Facebook one.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not saying Twitter is too reliable, but Facebook, that's where you learn the real true facts.

So yeah, they just took a machine gun and just really fucked up a whole family.

The workers.

Who gets to live in St.

Basil's Basilica?

Peter Pan

and all his boys.

The Russian version of Peter Pan.

Damn, if there's ever been a pedophile story, that's it.

You have to be a boy forever.

Yeah.

I put on Tuggsy, or damn it.

Bugsy Malone?

I kept saying, I kept calling myself Tuggsy Malone.

Oh, that's good.

Name's Tuggsy Malone.

It's like a boy that can't check off yet.

No, it's in the movie.

There's like they got machine guns that shoot pies.

So, in my version of Bugsy Malone, it's Tugsy Malone.

And they're all, instead of machine guns, they're like,

light him up, boys.

And then they just beat off on him.

Because 13-year-old boys love beating off.

And I feel like...

Every stroke is a little piece of comedy.

Yeah.

Nice, nice.

Yeah.

Roxy Roxburgh got fucking nutted up on 15th Street.

Roxy could fix everything except, you know, his face.

What's Muggsy Ballone?

That could be yours.

Muggsy Ballone.

Yeah, it's about

Muggsy Ballone is your version of the movie.

What is the movie?

Oh, it's.

Is that the movie where from the mask that they do that Tommy gun that he stole it from?

What?

In the movie The Mask, he's like, a Tommy gun.

And he's like, bruh, grab, gun, gun, no, that's probably from some James Cagney shit.

Yeah, yeah.

That's probably right.

Muggsy Ballone was like

a 20s gangster movie

they made in the 70s.

It's all like children, and it's a musical.

It was like one of my favorite movies when I was a kid.

Sounds pretty gay, honestly.

I mean, it's extremely gay.

It's really gay.

You know, the guy who probably wrote it

was like trying to get some face-to-face.

You know,

in 1981, they're like, well, the test results are back.

And it's like, you don't even have blood.

It's just the AIDS virus.

I don't even understand how you're alive right now.

Seems like a concentrated version of the HIV virus.

There's not a single detectable

blood cell or plasma even.

It's just

almost like you've cooked it down into syrup.

You've done a reduction, an AIDS reduction sauce.

No, I mean,

well, turn the lights off.

You can see how your veins are glowing.

Yeah, this cat's pressed on me, dude.

I love killing.

He wants to fuck me.

Yeah, the cat only likes guys.

That's why it doesn't like Adam.

What are you talking about?

The cat loves me, but respects me and knows that I have allergies.

No, it doesn't.

You've got galleries.

You're allergic to gals.

What happened?

Respects.

The cat does not respect you, Adam.

Yeah, okay.

Sorry about that.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, you better be sorry.

Adam pulled his cock out and everyone started throwing up.

And so we had to go.

Yeah, it was like the end of Ace Ventura.

Yeah.

yeah,

damn, dude.

I've said it before, but I would fuck Finkle or Einhorn, whichever one.

If she tucked it, she looked good, dude.

I don't give a fuck.

She was fine as hell.

She really was.

Also, what did they put in that actress's panties?

Shit.

I thought she shit or something.

That's exactly what I thought.

Yeah.

I didn't get that

little

she was tucking her dick and balls.

Yeah.

I thought it was a little bit of a tuck.

But they put a fake dick and balls.

I guess they did.

They put a Dan Mourinho's actual dick and balls in her panties.

Wow.

I don't remember anything from Ace Ventura.

Oh, come on.

You don't remember where he makes his ass talk?

So there's a famous...

There's a famous dolphin that gets kidnapped, right?

It's the Miami Dolphins mascot.

It's the Miami Dolphins mascot.

There's no real dolphin mascot.

And then the only thing I remember

from the second one is Bumblebee Tuna.

And I feel like I watched Ace Ventura probably 900 times.

I watched it so many times.

The second one is where he's in the rhino, the electronic or the robot rhino.

He's in the monster truck from the second one, too.

The monster truck was tight.

I loved monster trucks.

I don't remember that.

I remember he drove a monster truck.

He makes his ass talk.

Yeah, I mean, that's a classic scene.

I thought that was dumb and dumber, but that's the scene where he's entertaining people at the party by lighting his farts on fire.

He's just fantasizing about being in some socialite aspen party.

And he's just doing his A-plus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just crushing him.

Lighting your farts on fire and everyone's just clapping.

I actually, I read the script for Dumb and Dumber because, like,

you know, there's that diarrhea scene that's pretty long, and I'm like, what does that look like on paper?

Right.

What is that?

The script's very funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I believe it.

That movie's great.

Did you read it at your boyfriend's boyfriend's house?

No.

Yeah, right.

Unless it's his address is

123 Stobbs Girlfriend Avenue.

What?

What?

A story in New York.

That's where I live.

That's my address.

No, I'm your boyfriend.

No, it's your girlfriend.

It's your girlfriend's age.

That's my address.

It's not yours.

I live on that street.

You get your mail forwarded.

The address is Stops Good.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But I live on that.

This is what's going on.

Nick thinks that he's having sex with your girlfriend.

But really, you're tricking him into thinking that you are your own girlfriend.

That's right.

Maybe by wearing some sort of drag or a wig.

And then, so you're owning him into having a homosexuality.

I don't know.

It seems like a pretty involved gay fantasy in your head, Adam.

No, I'm just describing what you guys were saying.

Yeah, yeah.

We were just describing.

Surface-level joke about people living on streets.

Listen, I was just reading.

This has turned into a a thing where

there's multiple costumes involved and different types of gay sets.

Hold on.

You're completely hard.

Yeah.

I'm not hard.

I'm actually sitting

cross-legged.

Nick, back me up here.

I backstop up on this.

Yeah, hold on.

And the only reason we even know this is

supporting each other.

The only reason we even know this because we're both holding microscopes and looking at your hard tests.

Yeah, I have an electron telescope.

Otherwise, there'd be no way to know you were hard.

A lot of people don't know this, but I actually stood too close to a microwave once and I can see with electrons.

Whoa.

So I can see very small things only.

So I don't know where I am right now, but I can see Adam's dick and I know it's hard.

It's the only thing.

He's functionally blind, except for Adam's cop.

You can only see things at the quantum level.

I don't know where I am or what's going on.

Subatomic quantum level.

Yep, that's true.

Whereas I am just

have a microscope.

I remember

that being something that happened on the show Sentinel.

I don't remember Sentinel.

You ever watched that show?

That was one of those UPN shows?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I just remember Sentinels were the bad guys on X-Men.

Oh, yeah.

Those are like Apocalypse's robots.

And I was mad.

Actually, I remember Sentinels.

Are they Magneto's robots?

I think Magneto's.

Wait, no, it's the government shit, right?

The Sentinels were like...

I don't know.

I have no idea.

I just remember I'm being mad it wasn't an X-Men spin-off, Sentinel.

Oh, really?

On UPN?

Yeah.

I remember there was an episode where Jerry Ryan guest starred.

Hell yeah.

And I was so horny for that episode.

Of course, dude.

I couldn't wait.

Did you jack off to it?

No, there was not really much to jack off to.

Like, you already see her tits out on Voyager, but like on that one, you get to see her.

Her pussy?

Her pussy, yeah.

Whoa.

They showed her pussy on UPN.

They showed her vagina.

Nice.

Which I've seen them before.

Yeah.

I have too.

I'm familiar with

a girl's pussy.

What's your favorite part?

The whole?

The hole, for sure.

The puss hole?

Yeah.

I love it.

No, you're copying.

I'm not copying.

I figured the clip.

I'm going to say the clip.

What are the odds that both of us...

Yeah, that all three like like the wall, man.

Because that's the part that you put your dick into.

No, it's not.

Where do you put your dick?

No, it's not.

We don't have time to explain you.

We know.

Wait.

We don't have to say it.

We haven't had the talk yet, okay?

Can you guys just explain to me

how you do it?

We can't.

How do you make it?

Look, I'm going to sit my son down and say, we're going to have the birds and the bees talk.

And I got a mason jar full of bees, and I make them fuck it.

And I'm like, you think about that next time you want to get horny.

You think about all these bee stings.

And how slow I'm driving to the hospital right now.

How I'm taking my sweet time and stopping at Sonic to get a

berry blue ice blast.

Oh, it's not for my son.

I just gave him the bursts and the bees talk.

Just some black teenager on roller skates.

I think your son's dying.

There's something wrong with your son's private.

Your son's dick is bleeding.

bleeding.

You're cocked.

It's filled with bees.

You're the beekeeper, too.

The boy needs to learn.

Yeah, my son's learning about sex.

Now, bring me my tots and my fucking.

Bring me my fucking tater tots.

It seems like you focused a lot more on the bees aspect than the birds aspect of the talk.

That's the next step of the talk.

If he doesn't get it, then a vulture will vult at his cock,

Adam.

A vulture will vult.

Yes.

What did you call snow on the last episode?

What?

I called it snowing.

I called going skiing.

Oh, snowing.

I called it going snowing.

And I'm still mad that there probably won't be that much snow in Canada.

No, there won't be any.

It'll be summer.

But there will be Maple Snow.

Oh, yeah, come see us in Canada.

Yeah, come see us in Canada.

We are going to be there.

Go to Cometown.events.

Adam got real excited.

He was the one that actually booked the tour because he misread it and thought they said Manada.

That's right.

He's been crying every day.

He's been crying that he found out.

It's not Manada.

It's for Canada.

He's been weeping for hours.

But anyway, Toronto, June 15th.

Montreal, June 19th.

Ottawa, the 21st.

Vancouver is sold out, but we're working to get a second show.

I think we're going to be there an extra day.

I think we're going to end end up being there an extra day, so it's probably going to be the 24th, but we don't know yet.

And then Edmonton, the 26th.

I think there was a little miscommunication with the venue.

If Edmonton's a day later, Edmonton might be a day later.

The venue will email you if that's the case.

I think they already did.

But it's the 26th.

And also, before, if you're in LA, I will be in LA June 10th doing a couple shows.

So come out and suck me off.

If you didn't see me last time, I'll be doing half new stuff, half just choosing.

We should make an LA trip.

I can't wait to see what good-ass comedy is coming out of that song.

Oh, yeah.

It's really good-ass comedy.

Yeah.

June 10th, Lyric Hyperion.

Get your tickets for Stavros Halkius Fucks Around in LA.

It's my one-man show about getting head.

Yeah.

I will also be competing in the Indy 500 this year.

Wow.

I'm driving for

Penske.

Marlborough.

Marlborough.

Marlborough.

For Philip Morris.

They said if you smoke 200 cigarettes, the world record.

You get to

drive.

Lifetime.

Whatever.

At your leisure.

Whenever you get around to it.

You smoke 200 of them.

Guess what, pal?

You're allowed.

Guess who's coming to the dance?

Oh, yeah.

The dance being the five games.

Guess who's at the dance?

Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you weren't just invited to a dance by a guy named Philip?

That may be it.

Now that I think about it,

you said his last name is Myers.

Philip Myers?

Yeah, it wasn't Philip Morris.

Oh, and 200 cigarettes, smoking those.

Did he mean sucking his dick 200 cigarettes?

No, I think that part didn't even happen.

I think he just invited me to a party.

Oh, yeah, after you kissed, he invited you to a dance.

No.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I don't even smoke cigarettes.

Philip Myers just texted me.

He said you guys kissed.

That's weird that you have some gay guy on your phone.

Yeah, you had his phone number.

You have your hairstyle.

But you don't have hair.

You don't have to hair.

Yeah, but that's what it is.

Oh, the other hair?

He styles you.

He styles the hair around your asshole with his cock.

That is like, no, it's just gel.

I'm just gel.

Yes.

It's not gay because it's gel.

And I don't know for sure that it's his cock because I always have my eyes closed.

So I'm not sure.

So, check mate.

You fucking idiots.

What are we going to do in Canada, boys?

I saw that people are mad about Brock Turner again, but I tried to Google and I couldn't find anything that happened.

Did he do something new?

That would be a pretty tight move on his part.

To rape again?

Yeah.

That would be tight as hell.

Well, I mean, he can't get a job.

He can't do anything.

It's like...

Do what you know.

Do what you love.

Can you imagine?

The guy that's counters like, if money wasn't an object, what's the one job you'd like to have?

Brock knows the answer.

It's behind a dumpster.

Do you think they're probably just mad because he's bad in general?

Maybe he's trying to get back into

competitive swimming.

That might be it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they're like, this isn't, we don't want to provide a space for now when you say people who is people now I don't know.

I saw it on Reddit.

Oh.

It was on the main page of Reddit.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe he did something like cute or something.

Maybe he is.

Like a cat.

No, it was a picture of him, and it said, this man is a rapist.

Always say his name with rapist at the end.

Well, did he get released maybe or something?

I mean, he got released two years ago.

Jesus, really?

Not only was he released two years ago, but the judge who sentenced him was like fucking recalled a year ago.

There's like no new Brock Turner news.

Gotcha.

So you just want to go out.

You want to be on record and be pro-Brock right now.

That's not what I said.

I said he was.

I saw it, and I don't know why.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

So we'll check back in next episode.

I don't have my phone on me.

On the Brock.

Which is also why

I'm struggling to fill time.

It's not a lot of people complain about me being my phone.

They don't realize how big of an

asset to the show that is.

Incredible asset.

I could consider the phone work and the show the fun distraction.

Interesting, psychologically, how you have to do that.

Psychologically.

You're a master of psychology.

I am a master of psychology.

I was listening to a mafia podcast.

Yeah.

And apparently, John Gotti was very stupid and not good at being in the mob.

Oh, yeah.

I always said that about him.

He was a big loudmouth or whatever.

So this is a tweet with 40 replies and one like.

But this might be what's going on with Brock Turner.

Brock Turner didn't rape anyone.

Fingering a woman is not rape.

Using abortion as a form of contraception is wrong.

Having a child is a big decision

that both parties should agree on it.

If a person doesn't want a child, they should either use contraception or refrain from sex.

So that's probably what's going on with Brock.

Who tweeted that?

Del Boyd.

Del Boyd?

That's nice.

Del Boyd R D.

That's a dumb name.

I wonder what that guy does.

Something stupid?

Yeah, let's see.

I bet that guy does something dumb for his life.

I think people are just posting pics of Brock and saying, this man is a rapist.

Just for fun?

I think maybe because of Alabama.

What about Dwayne the Brock Turner?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I'll tell you, there's one thing I love doing.

It's fingering.

And I'm not going to stop.

That's good, yep.

I ain't never going to stop.

I would say if you had to do a Brock Turner character, that's pretty good.

Dwayne the Brock.

Dwayne the Brock Turner.

Buddy, there's only two things I enjoy in this world: it's fingering and getting away with it.

I'd have to listen to him to talk about it.

What about

who put my dick?

You did another

The Rock where it was like

who put their dick in my ass?

Who put their dick in my ass?

A dick in my ass?

I mean, that's like what I would keep saying to figure out.

I haven't heard The Rock talk in forever, so I can't.

I watched Rampage with The Rock.

That shit was awesome.

You know, it's funny, you ever like forget the voices of your dead relatives?

I guess.

Yeah.

Is that

no?

I think, I just think that's funny that that happens.

Um, I sort of remember what my grandfather, grandmother, and I think I can remember what my grandfather sounded like.

Yeah, well, you won't forever.

I'll forget it eventually.

Oh, and then we'll be sad about it.

Yeah, well, I think that's pretty funny.

Yeah, it is funny, I guess.

To me, that's a funny thing.

That is, I guess you could see it as funny.

And then when you die,

no one else will remember them, basically.

And that means that they'll basically, it's like as if they never existed.

That's pretty funny.

Unless they were in show business.

Unless they left behind celebrities.

Is that why the Jews don't believe in an afterlife?

Because...

They have so much money and they're in show business and their names are on everything.

You know who's always going to be remembered?

That Adolf Hitler fella.

So think about that.

My man's never going to die.

Catch 22.

Mm-hmm.

Miramax also.

Harvey Wines.

Harvey Wines.

His name's on a bunch of movies.

Shakespeare and Love.

I don't think the name of that company is because it's their parents.

How stupid.

Miriam and Max.

Yeah.

I never realized that.

Oh, it sounds cool, though.

It sounds cool, but it's like the the way like a child would name a lemonade stand.

Miramax.

It sounds, yeah.

Unlike cool business names.

Like what?

Like Viacom.

Dude, I love that shit.

Communications, what's the VIA?

Via?

You don't know.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Video International Association, Computers, Online, Multimedia.

Whoa.

Holy shit.

Pretty cool.

That is cool.

Yeah.

If I had to name a company, I would probably name it Halcus Corps Enterprises.

Halchis Corps Worldwide.

Yeah.

Bitch.

Sorry.

Unknocked items for the next one.

Exxon.

Extreme.

Pornography.

Wait, there's no P.

Yeah.

What?

Oil.

What?

You said Exxon.

Yeah.

Well, the two X's stand for pornography.

Okay, okay.

Oh, yeah.

What about triple Exxon?

XX Exxon.

Yeah.

And that is like a bunch of old white oil executives.

It used to confuse me how in cartoons.

Putting those things in their asses.

I feel like it's disrespectful for me to say do saqui.

So I say two X's.

Nice.

You know?

Because it's not my place as a white person

to say to speak Spanish.

To speak Spanish.

That's cultural.

Let me get two X's.

Let me get a two X's beer, please.

I don't know what you mean.

I used to think, do you remember when alcohol in cartoons was, it was a bottle that had three X's on it?

You thought they were drinking cum?

I thought they were drinking porn.

I was very confused by that.

How would they be drinking porn?

Because I remember learning as a child XXX meant porn.

But then I also remembered that it was like what they'd like drink

in cartoons.

They probably did that in the West because nobody knew how to read.

Yeah, you signed your name by putting an X.

Can you imagine how, I feel like, you know, a lot of people are like, oh, the Industrial Revolution was a mistake.

The technological revolution was a mistake.

I think teaching people how to read was really.

Literacy was a mistake.

That was the one that was bad.

Yeah.

I think about

how nice my life would be if I just didn't know how to read.

What would change?

What do you mean, what would change?

You couldn't get anywhere because you couldn't read like road signs.

Yeah, but you would learn directions and shit.

No, I would just, I would get around like I used to.

I used to never know the names of roads.

I just knew how to fucking get around.

You just know this is a building, and I turn here.

Tracker.

Yeah, tracker.

Nick would crouch down and taste the ground.

Just smelling, yeah, smelling the dirt and stuff.

I would follow the hot girl with her pussy scent.

You would catch her pussy scent in the wheat in the winds.

That's good.

Yeah, before I had a phone, I used to do that all the time.

I'd go to the grocery store.

I want milk.

I'm on the other side of the store.

Because some girl fucked up and wore pajama bottoms.

Oh, man.

That used to be such a hot look.

Yeah, the rolled-down pajama bottoms.

Rolled down pajama bottoms and a spaghetti strap.

Your tank fat fucking ass.

I'm about to get hard.

You dumb bitch.

Excuse me?

Sorry.

I'm looking for the pajama.

I'm looking for milk.

I'm trying to buy milk.

I don't know how to read.

Damn.

Fucking bitch.

I want to pull those fucking pants.

I'm going to pull your fucking pajamas.

She's like, hey, what's up?

Like, shut up.

Shut up.

I don't know what's up.

I don't know.

Can I go, please?

Can I please just

leave the store?

Can I leave the store?

Thank you.

Oh, my God, you bitch.

Do you want to hang out later?

Shut up.

Just shut up for once.

Damn, dude, I'm horny for spaghetti straps now.

Yeah.

I love those girls so much.

Yeah.

And they just suck off like adults.

adults.

They wouldn't fuck us.

You mean the teenagers we were horny for?

Yeah.

Like 15-year-old girls that would like smoke cigarettes in the park and suck off adults.

Yeah.

Well, I got good news for you.

Wear fucking pajama bottoms and spaghetti stripes.

I got good news for you.

What?

You're an adult now.

Now I can get sucked off by one of those children.

Damn, it's true.

Who were all these adults that were getting blowjobs from these bad girls?

Well, it was.

It's you, dude.

It's your opportunity.

I've never done it.

The ascension of Adam Smith.

I'm not going to continue that cycle that hurts young boys like me.

Where the girls I love, they're like, sorry, I have to go smoke cigarettes and suck off adults.

Those are the real victims.

Fuck boys that are their age.

Those boys need to learn.

Look, China took all the pussy away, and those boys are doing better than anybody else.

That's true.

That's how you build a soul.

China took all the pussy away.

They took all the pussy away.

They fucking killed it.

China said, we're killing the pussy.

No more pussy.

Too start making.

We gotta make damn pussy.

We need some factories.

We need some fucking workers.

We need some motherfuckers.

No fuck.

You make a phone.

And now

China's filled with guys that are like, damn, I would get my dick card, but

I'm just more excited about getting to work.

Fucking, I love, I love just working 12, 15 hours a day.

Yeah, because that way you never have to think about not not getting pussy.

Eating imitation rat for dinner.

I love being Chinese.

I don't know how else to put it.

I love not getting pussy.

I love not getting pussy.

Working 18 hours.

I love pushing.

Eating fake rodents for stew for dinner.

Yeah.

No, my pants fall down because

I had to eat my belt.

I had to cook my belt down into a soup.

Wait until the leather turned in and made a nice soup.

You switched up and gave me a leather belt.

You know that's dinner time.

You know my Chinese ass is going to eat that belt.

You make leather belt stir-fry out of this shit.

You know my Chinese ass ain't going to be

wearing no damn belt to defend.

That is so true.

My no pussy Chinese getting my no pussy.

My no pussy getting motherfucking Chinese ass.

Gonna turn this belt into lunch.

Yeah.

That was a smart move.

What do you think America would look like if we got no pussy?

What?

What would happen to our society if there was no pussy?

We'd be back on top in 10 years.

Interesting.

You think it would focus us.

You think that there's been too much smashing, and that's why we're on the decline.

Yeah.

That's the thing.

It's like women are like, when men are in charge, they're fighting all the time.

And it's like, well, they're fighting all the time when there's women around.

So

kill all the women.

Okay, all right.

All right.

I was thinking maybe send them to Pussy Island.

No, you don't send them to the American American.

That's where you take a vacation.

No, you have to earn a trip to Pussy Island.

Take all the American women.

So you work really hard at the factory

for a weekend at Pussy Island every five years.

But Pussy Island is just like a fake place like Shell Beach in Dark City.

Yeah.

Everyone has memories of Pussy Island, but no one's there.

No one's been there.

There's no way to get there.

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

That's one way to go about it.

No, you kill all the women.

Nazi.

I don't know.

I don't know, Nick.

You keep going back to it.

It makes me get mad about this, like, it's feasible.

I'm talking about an ideal situation.

He's saying, in the badass, I have any scenario to kill all the women anymore.

Like, how could you say that?

It's like, well, it's a fantasy.

It's a fantasy.

I don't even have that many bullets.

I heard there's no way I could do that.

You leave one, she'll probably shit out 35 more out of her pussy.

It's so true.

Yep.

I hate when girls shit out.

They just keep making more girls.

And I don't have time to fuck them all, and it makes me mad.

I just want to go back to my no-pussy-getting factory and work 27 hours a day.

You know,

eating boiled-down koosh balls.

Making funky out of socks.

Yeah, right.

The only I'm getting paid in novelty pencil erasers.

Little pandas and

little

animal figurine erasers is my paycheck.

Yes, sir.

And I don't give a shit because I know that one day we're going to finish this bomb that we're going to drop on New York City.

And then we can go there and get all of their pussy.

I guess that's New York City.

That'd be a fun story where China's killed all the pussy because they want to just focus, get everything together, overtake America, and then fuck all the American women, you know,

because they're tired of Chinese bitches or whatever.

And then,

like, they come here, right?

And they've already, they've invaded or whatever.

And they're like, the men are like,

like, you know, they're talking to American guys.

And they're like, and now

for the final part of the plan,

we are going to take all of your pussy because we are tired of fucking Chinese trash pussy.

Okay.

And then we're all like,

oh, you can have them.

Like,

we want the Asian pussy.

The Chinese pussy.

And they're like, you mean to tell me this whole time

everything could have been fixed with a trade agreement?

Like, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

And they're like, rats.

Yep.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

But too bad they killed all their pussy.

But anyways, that's more of like, this is the movie pitch.

And it's,

it's sort of, you know, I mean, it's, it's, uh,

it's cerebral because it's mostly about our current situation.

Yeah, it's smart.

But instead of instead of pussy, it's about

oil.

You know, I don't know.

Climate change.

And then you have a scene in there.

Make some of the characters trans.

Of course.

That way

you get the online set.

Millennials love that shit.

They love it.

You want to have a big opening weekend.

You put a trans person in the movie.

And she can do anything a guy can do.

You know?

Right.

Or, I mean, but

actually, she can't because she's not a guy anymore.

That's I'm doing Captain Marvel, but it's a trans woman, and she's like, I don't know how to do anything, hell, because there's nothing masculine.

Interesting.

And that's a real hero.

That's what people want to see.

Is trans Wonder Woman.

Even though she's trans, she can't.

Well, because she's trans, she's fully transitioned.

She's so stupid.

She's stupid.

She's so useless.

Because she's transitioned

into being

useless.

She's like every other woman.

She's not Wonder Woman.

So to start from the woman.

She's not a woman

with a man's bone structure who can do things.

She's a regular woman.

Who, in your calculation, is completely useless.

Who is not capable of doing the things that Wonder Woman,

who is a rude stereotype of a trans woman,

is capable of doing.

Interesting.

Wonder Woman is a regular woman with the strength of possibly several men.

Right.

You know.

That is rude.

It is rude.

Yeah.

So Wonder Woman is transforming.

If you don't view Wonder Woman.

She's a sichet lens of

whatever.

Getting your dick sucked.

Yes, getting your dick sucked.

That is a lens.

Yeah.

It's my favorite lens, dude.

That's the kind of lens I slap on my DSLR.

The getting your dick sucked lens.

Lens crafters.

You go in there, you're like, do you do any custom stuff?

That's right.

I'm like, no, we just have the glasses.

And it's like, well, it doesn't sound like you're much of a crafter then.

That's right.

Because I want a monocle for my penis.

I want my cock to look huge with these glasses.

I want you to put them on.

I want you to put them on everyone in America.

There's only a guy

Put these on.

Put these on.

They just politely ask you to leave the woman.

And force every woman to wear them.

It's simple.

I'm at the fucking white marsh lens crafters

shouting.

Right next to a fucking Z-Burger.

Yeah.

I got a piss.

If you could make one.

I have to pee too.

Well, you eat.

Do you want to cross swords?

Do you ever do that with your boys?

No.

Cross streams?

Never.

You never did that?

Did an X with your pisses?

Oh, shit, the cat fucked the beanbag up.

No, I've never done that.

If you could have one pair of magical glasses from Lenscrafters,

and you can't steal my answer of making your dick bigger.

Maybe like the glasses from They Live, where you look at an advertisement and then you see the truth behind it.

What's They Live?

It says this movie.

Sounds good.

I think it was John Carpenter.

Maybe Nick would know.

He's pissing right now.

An advertisement, that's your answer.

It's uh, no, it's just you see all the truth behind all the hypocrites.

Number one, first of all,

without even thinking, glasses where you can see everyone's titties.

That's how is that not your x-ray vision, yes.

Second of all, glasses where you tell the future,

where you can, but you can't, where you see

you you're watching a tv and it tells you what's going to happen in an hour so that way you can gamble on sports okay okay so i've just blown you out of the water with three different

i've blown you out of the fucking water with three different kinds of magical glasses those aren't that good they're great

listen to adam i asked adam yeah i'm back from the bathroom everyone i asked adam what other magical glasses from white marsh lens crafters he would want i would want ones where i put them on and then I go see the new Aladdin movie, and everyone's white.

That'd be great.

See, Nick comes in right off me.

Just me in the theater, like, yeah, fuck yeah.

This movie's on.

This movie's on.

What if you gave...

Yeah, I love Aladdin.

What if you gave me.

Fuck yeah!

What if Super calm down?

What if you gave me a game?

Like, I can't.

I got my glasses on.

What if you gave up?

Every racist those glasses.

And then they would just think everyone's white, so they wouldn't be racist anymore.

That's good.

Adam said some bullshit from glasses that already exist in a movie.

What's that?

The movie Where They Live or something.

Oh, cool.

So you can see aliens?

No, not aliens.

That's cool.

You don't see aliens.

That's really the truth behind societies.

That's really cool, dude.

I said glasses where you see titties.

Duh.

Duh.

That's too distracting.

Duh.

I can't see titties all day long.

Shut up.

Duh.

Also.

And also, glasses where you look at the TV and it tells you what happens.

Part of the pleasure of seeing titties is that you have to take the clothes off to see them.

Oh, that'd be cool.

That would be cool.

Those are both good answers, and not just something.

I know they're good answers.

Not only is your answer gay, it's stolen.

The Friedland Special.

Gay and stolen.

Like you're cocked.

All right, maybe glasses that.

There we go.

Come on.

That would make it seem like everyone around me is respecting.

respecting that.

That's good, yeah.

I want glasses that, like, when I put them on, whenever I go into, like, a convenience store or Dunkin' Donuts or whatever, they show me what the Indian person behind the counter was doing in India before they came here.

Like, surgery, or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, surgery, or like,

I don't know,

wearing like uh cool Raj clothes.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Dance a lot of dancing, I imagine.

Yeah.

A lot of musical dancers.

A lot of jai ho.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's good too, man.

Glasses that

tells you how to

win at every video game.

Well, that's cool.

Yeah.

Glasses that tells you how to win at every video game.

Yep, that's cool.

That would make video games a lot more fun, too.

Knowing how to win.

Yeah.

If you didn't really have to do anything.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying about the Circles.

Titties glasses.

If you see titties all day long, then titties don't become exciting anymore.

Shut up.

Spoken like a man who doesn't truly love titties.

No, part of the pleasure of seeing a titty is that seeing a bra come off and then seeing a titty pop out.

You still get that pleasure, Adam.

No, it's about it's about

supply and demand or something.

I don't know.

I'm hungover right now.

My head hurts.

But it's about

if something isn't readily available, there's a scarcity, then it makes it more

appealing.

Don't be mad at me.

You picked a fucking thing from a movie that sucks.

It was a bad answer.

I acknowledge that it was a bad answer.

So don't try and talk about

your strings, which has a very visceral pleasure to it, and you can admit that.

Actually, I want glasses to let me talk to animals.

That's good.

That's cool.

I don't know how you do that with your eyes.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, yeah, it does.

I put the glasses on, and then I can talk to animals.

You're right.

I guess that would.

I guess we are all assholes for not thinking about that.

That would be great to be in a fucking Hollywood movie pitch.

It'd be like, all right, here's the idea.

It's a guy, he gets to wear glasses.

This is the dude that helps him talk to animals.

They're like, why?

They'd be like, why are the glasses?

Why is it small?

Then he can talk to animals.

So you can talk to animals, you fucking idiot.

Yeah, I want glasses.

I want $100 million.

They're like, geez, Jury, I don't know about this idea.

What did you say your name was again?

Adam Friedland.

Well, here's $20 million

to make the movie.

They just made a movie call for $6 million about Evil Superman.

That's pretty low budget for

a comic book.

It looked kind of cool.

It's basically like some kid.

I haven't seen it, and I probably won't.

I saw one of the recent Simpsons episodes.

I think I already complained about this, but something happens on the show, and then somebody mentions DC or something, and he's like, Yeah, Homer goes, Yeah,

good luck making a movie anybody wants to watch for more than 15 minutes.

I mean, reference to like DC comics.

Whoever wrote that needs to kill themselves.

No, that's contemptible.

The idea is, first of all, Homer doesn't do jokes.

The idea is that he's an idiot

supposed to be satire.

Yeah.

But that not only is he doing like

joke,

jokey fucking asides,

and then

you know,

the idea that Homer would have an opinion about Marvel versus DC.

Yeah, it's totally out of character.

Yeah, Simpsons.

The Simpsons are gay now.

They are.

Which is a real shame.

How about

glasses that make every episode of The Simpsons after season 12 good?

Whoa.

That would be tight.

That would be tight.

How about glasses where Lisa's hot and a real girl, and she comes out of the TV and sucks your dick, but she's a grown-up.

Yeah,

huh?

Like in Leprechaun?

I've never seen Leprechaun, but yes.

Oh, I don't even remember if that happens in Leprechaun.

I know there's a scene where a girl comes out of a TV.

That's the ring.

A stripper.

No, it happens in Leprechaun.

It's a stripper that comes out of the TV, and the guy's in a hotel room.

He's like, oh, yeah, all right.

Then he's fucking her, and then she turns into a robot that starts killing him.

Yeah.

I love that that guy's just like sweet.

Which it seems weird that that's a scene in the movie, considering they already had a leprechaun.

Yeah,

you know, was that, yeah, what does that have to do with being a leprechaun?

I don't, you know what?

I should go back and watch leprechaun again, because I remember thinking that, like, what he does is make people unlucky.

So, like, fall down the stairs and shit.

And there's a magician that saws his assistant in half.

But, I mean, I haven't seen Leprechaun since.

Wait, that's how he kills them with bad luck?

I think so.

They made a black one, right, with iced tea?

Like, Leprechaun 3.

There's a leprechaun on the moon.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Leprechaun in the hood, I think it's called.

Yeah.

Nice.

Why would a leprechaun be able to make a bitch come out of a television?

I don't know, dude.

I just remember that happening in the movie.

Yeah, I haven't seen that or any of the child's play movies since I was like fucking seven.

Shouts out Jennifer Tilly with her big fat titties

in one of the Chunky movies.

Chunky.

I love to watch the Chunky movies.

Child's play is so scary to me.

Every time I see Charles play, I get scared because Chunky, because Chunky is going to come and hurt me.

Oh, fuck Adam, you gay bitch.

Yeah.

Thanks for holding my hand.

No problem, dude.

We should do an episode where we're all holding hands the whole episode.

If I could turn back time,

I would help Hitler.

If I would not kill him,

I would help him instead.

I would help his strategic failure.

I would warn him about his hubris.

Yeah.

You don't need the whole world.

Just take.

Yeah, what if it wasn't?

Poland, Austria, France.

I'll just take a shit ton of Europe.

What would have happened?

If you didn't go for Russia,

he would have been chilling.

Would he have been?

Maybe.

Wouldn't we have fucked his shit up either way?

Well,

I guess you could say maybe we would have dropped the bomb on Germany also, but

Germany had already surrendered.

No, but what about if he didn't surrender?

If he was like, all right, I'm good.

I'm good just

with France.

Just getting my paws on France.

Well, he was wanting to take the UK also.

Did he ever take the UK?

No, he bombed the shit out of them.

They bombed the shit out of each other.

Yes.

Let's not forget.

The RAS.

Yeah,

Dresden got fucked up.

Yeah.

Apparently, London was more beautiful, but they fucked it up.

Hitler fucked it up.

Yeah.

It was more.

I heard that exact sentence in a Ken Burns documentary.

Old London?

Because Paris looks cool as shit.

Because they were looking at the colours.

Because they just gave up.

Yeah, they said,

come fuck our asses, Hitler.

Tears our Jews.

Do not burn our buildings.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

But London was like, oi, gov, shock me off.

I,

yeah, they're like, oi.

Yeah, they're like,

come get me cock, come suck me cock.

Itla?

Hitler.

Itla.

Itla.

Yeah.

That's how you say in London, right?

Huh?

Itla.

Itla.

Hitler's bombed all the villagers.

We don't know what to do.

Come eat my

bombs.

I don't know.

That one was Australia.

Were they just chilling because they're so far away?

No, they're part of England at the time, so they fought.

Oh, yeah.

They were fucking up Japan, I guess.

My grandfather was part of England at the time, or the British Empire.

So he fought in the British Army.

But what where

was Australia?

Oh, damn.

Was anyone just not involved?

Did anybody just chill?

Canada was part of the British Army.

Did anybody just chill, though?

Switzerland.

Switzerland.

Yeah.

Right in the middle, and they got to chill.

Also,

Denmark or Sweden.

What about Brazil?

I don't know what's going on there.

They're probably chilling.

Most of Latin America had this deal with the United States where the United States got all of their exports basically like, on credit.

So,

like, they helped economically.

Gotcha.

Like, tremendously.

And then after the war, we were like, yeah, we're not paying that shit back.

Yeah, suck our fucking meets.

That's so exciting.

Yeah, America fucking rocks.

I'm just not paying that shit back at all.

And at the same time, like, just giving massive amounts of money to Europe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's all.

You know, they're white.

Yeah, yeah.

And as a result, Brazil was like, all right, well, how about this?

We're going to fucking harbor all those old-ass Nazis.

Yeah.

Brazil and Argentina.

They're like, we're just going to keep these motherfuckers safe.

Yeah, we didn't give a shit about that at all.

No.

No, we also took some of the Nazis.

Yeah, the ones that were going to be the same thing.

The only thing I would have been mad about is them taking the scientists, which we

really don't need for generals or whatever.

Right.

Those are the ones you can grata.

Well, they lost a war.

They're bad at their job.

That's true.

Hitler was just a bad general, but he was just a good, he was good with

the tongue, right?

Yeah, he was good at eating pussy.

Yeah.

My man was on amphetamines.

Yeah, he was yipped up that whole time.

Yep.

A real danger of what fucking Adderall can do.

I think Kennedy was on amphetamines too.

Really?

Hell yeah.

Wasn't he?

Wasn't they had that guy, Dr.

Feelgood, that was like...

Everyone in baseball was doing greenies.

Damn.

Honestly, I feel great on amphetamines.

Kennedy deserved to be murdered, both of them?

You thought he deserved it?

Yeah, both of them.

Why bother?

I don't think that a papist should be the head of our country.

A goddamn Catholic?

He's a thing.

What if the Pope gives him orders?

Who's he listening to?

He's not listening to us.

He's listening to the fucking...

Well, that Latin America shit.

That was all the Kennedys.

What was?

And Vietnam.

Well, yeah, Vietnam too.

But, like, the the Kennedys were paranoid about Latin America.

They thought like, you know, I mean, the Cold War was a priority for them.

So they like toppled a shit ton of governments and

put a lot of right-wing people in place.

They committed genocides.

Did they?

Yeah.

And then Johnson came around.

No.

I mean, it was happening continuously

from after FDR until like...

Yeah.

Even before FDR.

Well, no, FDR was like good on Latin America.

We had the big stick policy under Teddy Roosevelt.

Teddy Roosevelt was shitty, but like...

I had a big stick.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

I got the big stick there.

There you go.

Yeah.

I'm actually the opposite.

Speak loudly and carry a small stick.

That's me.

Yeah.

I'm a loudmouth with a little last dick.

My motto is wear glasses that force women to have sex with you.

That was also true.

But why are they glasses?

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah, I get these glasses.

I'm wearing these glasses and consent doesn't exist.

They're magical glasses.

Your Honor, I'm sure you've heard of Felix and his magic bag of tricks.

Well, my glasses are similar to that.

And then when I put them on, I can't, I don't need to get consent.

But where are they glasses?

Is it Felix the Cat?

The judge is like...

contemplating it.

He's like, well, I have heard of Felix the cat.

And I am familiar with his magic bag of tricks.

Can the state provide any evidence that these aren't magical glasses?

Like, what are you talking about?

Well, I mean, it seems the burden of proof is on you to prove that this man doesn't have magic.

He's made it clear that he's the only one that can see the magic.

We've called four witnesses to the stand.

None of them can see the magic.

They're called wizards.

Yeah.

Witches.

The man from the store in the mall that sells swords.

A bunch of fat bitches with black makeup, with black lipstick that call themselves Wiccan.

None of them see the magic.

Do you believe in magic?

I don't.

I don't either.

I think it's all tricks.

Some guy got mad at me at the last

funny mom, so I asked him if he knew magic.

He said he believed in magic.

Lorelei did a hilarious thing where she was.

Yeah, that was a really good bit.

Everyone, if they believe in magic.

That was very funny.

And one guy was like, yeah.

And then I pressed him on it, and he got very mad at me.

But you know what?

What's that?

A gun sound?

It's the gun, bro.

But you're just you're just you haven't shot it yet.

I haven't shot it, but if anyone gives me any lip,

I'll fucking kill them.

Uh-huh.

I'll shoot them in the fucking head with a gun.

I can't wait to see that.

I would love to watch someone die

by the hands of my friend who I care about.

I just know how good that would feel for you.

And as a friend, I want that for you.

Has a comedian ever committed suicide on stage?

I don't think so.

Some guy just died on stage.

Some guy died on some British guy.

Yeah.

With salute.

But he's British, so he probably wasn't very funny.

Yeah.

That was part of his.

That was part of my show.

My display

show

display at Edinburgh.

I go to Edinburgh every year.

You should go to Edinburgh, honestly.

And have our show.

You just do a show.

We would probably pack it out.

It'd be funny.

I would love to write a one-man show.

Just like completely unfunny, complete just shit.

They love confessional style comedy.

Just try to get a really good review from someone that doesn't know that they're like, it's literally ironic.

Should we do that next year?

Like, write like a

fringe show and go and talk about the man that was molested 19 times.

It's confessional.

Yeah.

We're confessing to being molested.

Maybe we should.

Yeah.

I mean...

My bloody dad's Google search history.

My bloody dad.

My bloody dad's Google search for his history.

Hell yeah, that girl didn't even put on clothes to do that.

What?

She's wearing like slides with socks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you're

that school style.

Oh, that could be her signature.

Looking dumb as shit.

No, slides and socks.

That just means you...

That used to mean that you were on the basketball team in high school.

And it was like game day.

They'd wear slides and socks.

As someone who was on the middle school basketball team at Roland Park Elementary Middle School, eighth grade.

Adidas slides and socks.

Backup center at 5'7 ⁇ .

Well, you know, I was stout.

Yeah.

The other kid, the other center was literally like 6'4.

He was gigantic.

Yeah.

And I believe had failed one year.

Mm-hmm.

Damn.

That was honestly the peak of my life.

Scoring 17 points off the bench on a big game.

17 points.

Rolling Park LP.

That's a big game.

It was legitimately a big game.

That's actually a monster game for middle school basketball.

Yeah.

And then I just wouldn't get pussy for another, what, 10 years?

No.

Yeah.

Nine years.

I don't think I've ever had a peak.

My life's just sort of been like linear shit.

You've never enjoyed anything?

I've never felt good ever.

What's one thing you've done that you were happy about?

I can think of that.

That game,

I can think of it.

I went four for four in a game in middle school.

Nice.

And I asked my dad if we could go to the new Taco Bell Bar house afterwards, and he said no, because it's not a good thing.

I've never accomplished anything in my life.

I've never.

Really?

I haven't.

I've never been good at anything ever.

yeah yeah you never like wrote anything like you never finished one of those pieces and were like this is funny no the nicole thing was all right it was funny it was all right i mean i've done a lot of art

like an accomplishment though no no some shit at school i felt accomplished i was the number one i i won i had the best grades in greek school at at that felt like an accomplishment oh greek school is like it's like i would go after school three times a week after regular school I would go to Greek school and learn like and learn the my mother tongue alpha

alpha fita gama type yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah etc yeah I'm about to go to Greece in September sick dude a little short trip though don't worry boys I'm only gonna be gone nine days for what just to go I found some cheap ass tickets yeah how much were the tickets dude no joke I found like Under $600 a round trip.

So sick.

And I think they're like.

I want to go.

They're gone.

Check them out.

See if we can find them.

That's the lowest I've ever seen in my life.

I want to go.

I want to be on a beach in August.

I'm going in September.

September in Greece is probably perfect.

Beautiful.

October is nice, too.

Really?

That's the trip.

That's the fucking little sneak shit.

Go in October.

No one's going to go.

I want to book like a whole month at Yellowstone

and try and wrestle.

Do some Arthur shit.

What do you mean, Arthur shit?

Kill animals, make their skins into clothes.

Arthur from Red.

Does that happen on the show now?

No, Arthur from Red

Skin and Redemption.

I was like, damn, that's a

step up from some gay shit.

Yeah, well, it's a rat rat.

They're murdering each other and wearing a break.

Once the animals taste each other's cum, once the gay animals taste each other's cum, they go crazy.

Crazy for cum.

By the way, if you're a contractor in Baltimore and listen to the show, he means some work.

Yeah, Stop broke the stairs at his house.

He did not break the stairs at my house.

Stop actually.

But I would like a fence.

fence

roll down the stairs like a bowling ball and smash through nine walls.

I picked up too much speed.

And now there's just a circle.

There's a circle through four walls and then the door.

You would have rolled across the street and knocked down three more houses.

And it was literally only five stairs.

So that did not happen.

What Nick just described did not happen, but I would like a nice backyard fence built.

So if anyone is a contractor, hit me in the DMs

or you can email me at stav at stavi.biz.

That isn't what happened.

Good game.

Nick is still imagining me falling down and doing holes for a couple walls.

And I want to reiterate, I did not do that.

I've never fallen in that that house.

Oh, fuck.

Maybe I'll get a chandelier, too.

Who's that laughing at me?

Oh, right.

Huh?

Oh, right, yeah.

Falling through the.

Yeah.

Adam, where are you going?

I have to piss.

Why?

I have to be really good.

But why?

I have to piss too, but I'm a pro and I'm holding it.

Yeah, me too.

You pissed already.

All right.

You already took a piss break.

Yeah, I forgot about that, so it doesn't count.

That's true.

If you forget about something, you didn't do it.

Your honor, I did not commit it, the crime.

I don't even remember sucking off that child.

I want to take helicopter lessons.

Why?

I don't know.

I think it'd be cool to get a helicopter, fly around.

Would you want to buy your own helicopter?

Yeah.

What do they cost?

What's $300, $500, something like that?

Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

$300, $500.

Yeah.

Just going to a helicopter sale, being like, look, I got $500.

Cash.

It sounds like this is your problem.

I brought money.

All you brought is talk.

Give me that helicopter.

Give me that helicopter.

No, I'm bringing it to the lessons.

I'm going to fly it there.

I got my learner's permit.

I got my helicopter learners permit.

I don't have to show it to you.

What are you, a cop?

Just give me the fucking helicopter.

Give me the helicopter.

Just give it to me now.

We're in, sir.

We're inside.

We're in the Javit Center.

I was in Vietnam.

I was a helicopter pilot in the Vietnam war.

They actually probably cost, what, like

$300,000?

Probably something like that.

That sounds right.

What do you think a helicopter costs, Adam?

I think you get one for like $25,000.

No.

Yeah.

$25,000.

Yeah, they got a new Korean.

That's the funniest answer.

Not $500,000, not a real answer.

Give me 500.

We were saying they cost three or $500.

$500.

$25,000.

It's like a...

Oh, you can get one for $1,800?

No, you can't.

There's no way that's...

Oh, maybe it's a fake.

Maybe it's a little one.

Maybe it's a remote one.

It's a Hot Wheels website.

Yeah, they're like...

Well, the one single rotor

agriculture one is $25,000.

So Adam said the right answer.

Thank you.

As a joke.

Not as a joke.

That's how bad you are at guessing.

No, we were trying to choose funny numbers, and you chose the right number.

No, I was trying to educate the audience on how much you can get a single rotor agricultural one.

No, that's not what I was.

I was trying to.

I just wanted people to know.

And we didn't even say agricultural one, so.

But I was thinking in my mind about single rotor.

No, because you've never

agricultural.

You don't know what agricultural even means.

It has to do with farming.

Can we look that up?

Yeah.

Hey, bitch, can you look that up?

It does.

If agricultural says it has to do with farming is the definition, then you're right.

Oh, it's about

crops.

I'm going to look up real helicopter programs.

Real helicopters.

You would love to be a helicopter pilot like me, but you're not, Adam.

I would love to.

Yeah, but I'm happy for you that you are.

Thank you.

Because that's the kind of friend that I am.

Well, I'm also.

celebrating my friend.

In fact, I'm a better friendman than you.

I only learned helicopter stuff so you could feel good for me about it.

Well, I appreciate you doing that to give me the joy of feeling happy for you.

Well, I can't tell how much helicopters cost, man.

Because I think they're toys, but they're big, but they look big.

Big toys.

That's you know, you'd be cool.

I think a helicopter with monster truck wheels on it,

you know, and you could take it to the nude beach.

Yeah, that would be fun.

You could go check out the girls at the nude beach.

Have you guys ever been to a nude beach?

I went one time.

I went once.

Yeah, it was

pretty disappointing, gotta say.

A lot of old men.

Oh, you went there to gawk at women?

Yeah, to see titties.

I went there with

a girlfriend at a time.

Nice.

She loved doing shit like that because she was hot.

And it was like...

Yeah.

You know, you're just a hot person.

Yeah, you don't have to go to a nude beach.

Being hot shit.

You should have to be hot.

Yeah, right.

Just stop doing this shit.

I also remember how small my penis got in the ocean.

Yeah.

And then being afraid to come out because it shrunk because the water was cold.

So I started jacking off in the ocean, then got kicked off the nude beach for jacking off.

Are you allowed to jack off in a nude beach?

Yes.

That's what nude means.

Yeah, that's what nude means.

Really?

Nude means jacking off.

That means about jacking off.

That's pretty cool.

I like that what nude means.

Do you remember Pepper Ann?

Yeah, she was so annoying.

She is fucking gay.

She really got on my fucking nerves.

I remember despising that show.

Why?

I don't know why.

Pepper Ann just pissed me off.

She got me hot.

I'd be like, I'd yell at my sister, turn that shit off.

Do you not like redheads?

Yeah, I kind of don't like that kind of.

Didn't she have the same voice as Patty Mannets?

Kind of, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

That kind of confidence and.

The confidence in a woman made you upset.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You like your women meek and servile?

Yeah.

Did we ever find out if her pubes are red also?

We did.

In episode six.

Yeah.

Wow.

The curtains.

It's hard to believe I didn't make it that far.

I feel like I saw more episodes of Pepperin than six.

No, episode six opens on a shot of her pussy.

Woke up this morning, got myself a gun, Pepperan.

Yeah, she's got a mirror, and she's looking at her own pussy.

Yeah.

Anyone ever told you you got the most beautiful fucking pussy in the world, Pepperan?

Well, geez, thanks, Tony.

Yeah, you remember that episode where Pepperan frontends.

Tony Soprano.

Pepperan fronzo.

Where Tony

Tony's fucking pepperan for a week.

I'm saying I'm in love with you, god damn it.

Yeah.

Tony, you don't even love yourself.

How could you ever love a 14-year-old girl?

I think she was younger.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How could you love an 11-year-old girl, Tony?

Dumb bitch.

You hate yourself.

You hate everyone in the world.

You're at war with everything.

You're in love with the fact that this is wrong.

Damn, Pep Rand was really fucking cogent.

Just sitting in Melphie's office.

I met somebody.

And

it's pretty good for me.

She's 11 years old.

This woman you're seeing, is she another child, Tony?

She's a pet her father.

This is Melfie.

Just never holding him accountable.

Tony, this new woman that you're seeing, is she also a sixth grader at high top elementary school

with ADHD?

They're starting a fucking business.

I finally meet somebody that's good for me, that cares about me.

And it's this bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, from everybody I fucking know.

I love Pepper Ran.

That's good.

That's the good shit right there.

Yeah, I wish I knew more about Pepperina to weave those.

No, I don't know anything.

I don't know anything.

I'll weave those references, man.

Carmela's like, Tony, what the hell is this?

What is

some Valcar or something?

I don't know.

Tony, it looks like red puges.

New ones, too, Tony.

Are you fucking another child again, you fucking pig?

Nubile pubes.

I just watched the episode of Sopranos where

Paulie from

Rocky

comes back.

Yeah.

That episode ends with Carmella being like, Tony, she's younger than Meadow.

Imagine if someone your age was doing this to Meadow.

And then he's like looking at Meadow, watching her like, you know, eat dinner or something.

And it finally clicks with him.

And then the episode ends with him quietly murdering Pepper Ann.

Just sending somebody to shoot Pepper Ann in the back of the hand.

Yeah, hiring black guys so they couldn't trace it back.

Hiring black guys to kill Pepper Ann.

Yeah.

While he's at the strip club.

Yeah.

How does Pepperan, man?

Oh, right.

That crossover with the Sopranos.

It's a dark episode.

They turn fire bomb her whole house.

I have it.

Where they fucking, they pretend her house got turned into a trap and have black guys kill Pepperan.

She was selling ecstasy.

Yeah, yeah.

She was in a project selling ecstasy.

She got involved with drugs.

AJ, is something going wrong with you?

Yeah.

One of the girls in my school was murdered.

That's none of your fucking business, AJ.

Why don't you worry about school?

Something that's good for you.

Sports.

All this fucking morose shit.

Get out of your fucking head.

I had to break things off with that woman based on your advice.

You know, I just did what you said.

Tony, did you do what I say?

Or did you murder another

child?

Did you hire black guys to murder a child?

Again, I don't want to pry, but did you have another child murdered?

After realizing pedophilia is wrong?

Only fucking question!

We're fucking done.

We're fucking done, you bitch.

Damn, why did they have to rape Melfie in that show, man?

Seemed kind of.

No, those are good episodes.

Huh?

Those are good episodes.

Those are great episodes.

Seemed unnecessary.

She goes back to work.

What's it called?

Employee of the Month?

I think it was just one episode.

And then she was kind of.

I don't know if she was fully back to normal the next one.

What it teaches you is that women are incredibly resilient and can get over trauma.

Well, I'm sure.

What's up?

I think it's time to go.

Okay.

Folks.

It's on me this time.

I'm the one wrapping it up.

Nick has to go.

Let's be honest.

This has been a pretty terrible one.

Yeah, it's been a...

Oh, come on.

No, no, the Soprano's Pepperan.

I think you saved the whole thing.

Pepperan.

Pepperan, being gay, and having sex with the man.

All right, good night.

Come see us, bite.

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

Here's my summer tip.

Don't overthink your dog's meals.

My pups love just fresh from just food for dogs, complete, balanced, fresh, shelf-stable meals that go everywhere from New York City to weekends in the Hamptons.

I mean, you can have real food ready to go for your pup anywhere.

No cooler, no hassle, just grab and go.

I've seen the difference.

Healthier coats, more energy, tails wagging at mealtime.

Biggie and smalls love it, and I'm all about stuff that just makes sense when life is busy.

Go to justfoodfordogs.com and get 50% off your first order right now.

No code needed.

Cozy up with fragrance that feels like fall and smells unforgettable.

Pura's smart, app-controlled diffusers pair with premium scents from brands like Nest New York, Capri Blue, Anthropologie, and more.

Whether you're craving spiced pumpkin, warm amber, or nostalgic woody notes, there's a scent to match every mood in every space.

Discover why Pura is the go-to for premium home fragrance.

Start your fall refresh now at Pura.com.