Ep. 156 – Racist Elmo

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that is a great question yeah i guess we can start get your phone away from the court get the phone get your phone away

on the phone on the

yeah okay what are you waiting a call from a guy yeah so i'm waiting for some guy to call me some guy for what the kids later no they there's supposed to be a venmo payment go through

um to did you buy something for his silence i had to send him a

a big sum of money gotcha yeah you know and he's he found on facebook he found like my friends and family's names.

How about instead of the sound of silence?

He's like, you never exchanged names.

I thought it was NSA.

Yeah.

How about instead of the sound of silence?

It's the price of silence.

That's good.

And

it's about

Paul Simon raping a child.

Okay, and he pays the child off.

Pays him off.

Okay.

I like that.

Hello, Darkness, Miles.

Honestly, how much?

That still works.

You don't even have to change the silence.

That one stays the same because it's pretty dark.

Darkness to Paul Simon is the thirst for a child's asshole.

What is that?

The one that's me and Julio down by the schoolyard.

It was against the law.

That stays.

That's against the law.

We'll combine both of those songs into one.

What your mama saw, I think, is in the next line.

Your mama saw you.

Wait, really?

Your mom saw you molesting the child.

Is that real?

Yeah.

He's got a song about a fucking kid named Julio.

Me and Julio.

Well, Julio is the guy that they were.

Let's get one of these keys, man.

And someone complains, and they're like,

come on, man.

Clapton's kid fell out a window.

Yeah.

He did away with that.

Yeah, Clapton fucked up.

My guys are still alive.

Clapton fucked his kid out the window.

Oh, that's what happened.

Julio's fine.

He's just a little messed up.

Clapton's guy's gone.

Julio's going to be really good at doing art installations.

Clapton was playing hood ornament with his son,

which is a party trick where you go around with a four-year-old on your cock.

On your cock and stick it out the window.

Uh-huh.

Hood I didn't know that.

That's those were good parties.

It's just a nice little trick, the company.

We got our boy Brandon Ayer in the mix.

Back in the mix.

Third timer.

Of the Rad Dude cast.

Check those pussies out.

Man, thanks for that.

Next time you get the green jacket, like when you win the Masters.

We give you a

certain for the four-timers class.

I just wanted to mention the jacket.

The Masters?

I love it for some reason.

I did a fucked up thing today i showed up uh

one hour and ten minutes early yes because here's what happened it was fucked up because i was at i was at the coffee shop right yeah stav told me five yeah i'm at the coffee shop i'm like there's too many people around i'm writing i'm done writing these people are getting on my nerves the music's i'm gonna sit on nick's stoop and just do the crossword puzzle and chill until five

but then it was fucked up because you came home then you felt obligated to invite me in it was all

I wanted to say, no, you don't.

I all I wanted to do was sit on the stoop and chill.

I don't need to come in.

It was a, you know, but you're a podcast.

We would have sat here in silence.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, it was a bad, it was two fucking sociopaths.

Just checking your phones for an hour until the podcast starts.

It's time to be funny.

It's time to engage in the social skill that I've turned into an occupation

that brings me zero joy anymore.

The one thing that made my life better

is now just worthless garbage.

This time.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yep.

So that's...

I say that when that's not true.

What do you say?

What is not true?

I was thinking fondly about laughing about

sexually harassing that woman at that ramen shop.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, that really is the only thing that brings me joy.

That's true.

It's a riff.

Nick didn't sexually harass a woman.

I didn't, no.

But the laughing about doing it while she's sitting right next to us,

unaware of what we're doing.

But she didn't speak English.

No, she did.

They were both from America.

No, no, no.

The Japanese girl was not from America.

Oh, she was Japanese?

That's what was so funny.

So a guy was hitting on a Japanese woman.

Oh.

And we were laughing like, oh, now that he got it started, we would just slide over.

We'd swoop in.

We'd swoop in.

Dude, those two goons I saw in Philadelphia hitting on that girl who was on heroin was.

Oh, my God.

Just that shit ruled.

There was this girl.

Watch out, watch out, watch out.

There was this girl nodding off.

Who did that?

You did that.

It was you, Nick.

Damn, how?

Oh, the headphone.

Small dick, having a small dick.

What?

No.

You have your dick tied to the phone.

I do.

Anyways, there was this girl

just nodding off like Ed Duncan Donuts.

Like, you know, like barely, you know, she's just leaning pretty hard.

And then these two guys come in, both like, you know, the guys that wear like wife beaters, even though they just have so much skin hanging over their waistband.

Yeah, you know, and just like shitty tattoos, Caesar haircut, like a 1998 waiter.

You know, yeah, just permanently in Adidas slides and socks, like those guys.

And like the one dude sees the girl and he's like, oh, shit.

He pulls his phone out and he starts recording himself, like walking over to him and her and be like, damn, Shorty, what's up with you?

You leave.

Recording himself, hitting on this woman that's incapacitated.

And then the Indian guy behind the counter is like, she cannot be in here like this.

Mom, you have to leave.

And he's like, the guy's like, nah, she all right.

Wow.

She's taking control of the thing.

Nah, man, she's all right.

She's commandeered it.

Yeah.

She said, I want a cool ladder.

I wonder, like,

who he was going to show that video to.

You know what I mean?

Like, who was he going to buy?

I told you I got game.

It's just ending up in the hands of the police.

Yeah.

And eventually.

Yeah, is it supposed to be one of those social experiment videos?

Yeah,

a what would you do episode?

Yeah, exactly.

We were talking about that yesterday.

What would you do live in Philadelphia?

Yeah.

Would you have sex with a heroin adult woman?

I was thinking about a what would you do scenario where you have you find like a McDonald's where there's a Down syndrome guy working in the fry, you know, working wherever in the back, but you can see him.

And then you get an actor with Down syndrome to go in

with a receipt.

And he goes up.

Tough part to play.

No, they do.

They already have actors with Down syndrome on the show.

Oh,

I thought you meant a guy who didn't have Down syndrome acting as if he had Down syndrome.

We get Sean Penn.

Yeah, Sean Penn or Giovanni or BC.

Daniel J.

Lewis.

Yeah.

The greatest of all time.

But the

no, have you seen the show, What Would You Do?

Yeah, where

they put unsuspecting people in sort of ethical dilemmas.

Yeah, but I mean, it's like not even an ethical dilemma.

It's like there's a man slapping his wife in the face.

That one they did a lot, I feel like.

Yeah.

It's either being racist or slapping his wife.

Yeah, it's racist or someone being mean to retarded people.

It's the same thing.

So you set it up where there's a McDonald's and

wherever, and there's a man with Down syndrome working behind the counter, like, preparing the food.

And you send an actor with Down syndrome in with a receipt, and he's like, I would like to speak to the manager please and the manager comes out and he's like I was eating in here last week and that man handled my food

he's in a suit yeah yeah you know and that man handled my food

yes and I have here

medical d uh diagnosis that proves that I now have Down syndrome

Ma'am, ma'am, I don't want to argue with you.

I did not have Down syndrome last week.

I'll show you.

I have the documentation in my briefcase.

He opens up the briefcase.

It's just loose Skittles.

I seem to have eaten all of the paperwork.

Chicken nuggets.

I accidentally ate the pinpoint.

I thought it was up to Skittles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then the manager's like, what?

And the guy's like, I'm John Quinones.

Which one of these retarded people do you think is the worst?

Which one of these?

Yeah,

guy?

Yes.

Kinyonya?

Yeah, John Kinyan.

He does a good job on Dateline.

Yeah.

Hey, Dateline.

Is he the guy with the sarcastic voice?

Yeah, and Dateline.

He's the most sarcastic voice in news.

I used to like Dateline, but they're running out of stories.

So now all they do is they just withhold a guy till halfway through.

And they're like, just when the trail was getting cold, the police thought about her ex-boyfriend who beat the shit out of her every day.

It's like, dude, you should have

told us this in the first place.

Clearly, him.

It's down there.

It's pretty open and shut.

Yeah.

I love that shit.

I never wish to watch Dayline, though.

I don't know.

We should combine to catch a predator and what would you do?

And what's that?

They have the pedophile show up and have sex with a child

at a restaurant in public.

Gotcha.

And then

both Chris Hansen and John Quiñones come out at the same time.

Okay.

And

the child is being.

Chris Hansen's like, you're going to jail for raping this kid.

And then John Quiñones is like, why didn't you stop him to everybody in the restaurant?

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

So who is this child?

Because they usually use decoys.

Right, well, you use a man with Down syndrome.

Oh,

he's getting fucked.

The real star of the show.

The guy who's in every episode.

I got you.

So they're doing it by IQ, not age.

Mental age.

I mean, I guess it could be a child with Down syndrome.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's an ethical dilemma.

I'm saying a man with a small frame with Down syndrome is the two-for-one that you might want, the balance you might want to strike.

I forgot who it was, but some alt-right dude, like a judge, ordered him to break up with his girlfriend because she wasn't

like she was too retarded.

No, no, it was in the UK, and it was.

When was that?

It was in the UK, and it was a British guy that was told he couldn't fuck because he's retarded and he couldn't consent.

No, no, no, no, no.

This was a different story.

This guy had to break up with his girlfriend because.

First of all, can we start a GoFundMe for that guy?

For the guy that's too retarded to fuck?

That's sad.

That's what I'm saying.

We got to get him pussy.

We got to find out doctors to make him justice.

You know what I mean?

What kind of legal ruling is

you got to break up with your girlfriend?

That's not a law.

Like,

it's jail or no jail or if I'm not,

you got to tell her you don't want to see her anymore.

you won't let her down nicely MTV bought all the British courts

so is it like a

like a what do you call it like a um

it's not profanity what's it called something when something's

vulgarity yeah it's like makes it vulgar to fuck over like I'll know it when I see it like it's like pornography like pornography yeah is that like so they have to I know if someone's too retarded

the judge just like inspects him like just like walks around him.

Well,

on top, he's wearing a dress shirt, but it is tucked into sweatpants.

So it's a toss-up.

Yeah.

I mean, it was also in that story, the guy was gay, too.

What?

Yeah.

And he, oh, he could consent if you're gay.

I mean, default, you're in.

I don't know, but that judge rules.

Just imagine pretending like you just hate gay people that much.

You're like, I'm sorry, you're too retarded.

Yeah, it's too retarded to be gay.

You know what I don't understand about to catch a predator uh i and i i don't know what percentage of those cases

get convictions but like why does nobody do this like so you go in chris hansen comes out

your exit strategy and he goes you're busted and then you go

you're busted yeah and he goes what and he goes i could tell from the typing there was some kind of older man involved here but you've been pimping out this young woman what's your fucking deal man I busted you.

That's why I came here.

I came here to

fight.

That's a great strategy.

But what can they say, really?

So you got to come in with a baseball bat.

Yeah, you come with a baseball bat just in mind.

And yep,

and Iron Knuckles.

This is Robert Redford

dressed as like a prohibition era god.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Wow, I came here to bust you.

Wow.

Interesting.

Robert Shaw.

I guess he's right.

I was the one that was the pedophile.

I think you couldn't talk about wanting to suck their little pussies and cum in their asses.

I don't know.

They're entrapping you.

Don't they talk about that back?

So you're saying I'm entrapping you, you pimp.

I think you would just have to keep it PG-13, but make it clear you wanted to fuck.

I don't know.

I mean, for these fuckers.

Even keeping it PG-you're not allowed to fuck 13-year-olds either.

I never did any wording talks.

You want to keep it on.

That is not why it's called

or even 17-year-olds.

I don't know.

It's borderline, right?

Say what you want about me fucking your ass.

I never did any dirty talk.

That's why if you're a pedophile, you got to go to every meetup with a kid with a pair of handcuffs just in the event that you're ready in case you could catch a predator.

You could say, I wanted to make a citizen's arrest on you, Chris Hansen.

Chris Hansen, you.

Now, okay, I guess my big question would be, you're saying, why isn't this the way the pedophiles get out of it?

Well, because who who really

wants to stop someone would go about it this way?

Well, here's another ethical question.

Not ethical, but because look, I'm not on the side of the pedophiles.

It certainly seems like.

But let me ask you this.

Let me ask you this.

I'm on the side of

justice.

Yeah, and kids not getting fucked.

Well, no.

I'm interested in the law, and at no point in that show, in that scenario, is a child involved.

Right.

So what is the crime?

Your intent,

you can say,

how can you not say, well, I knew we were role-playing.

And what can they say back because it was a grown woman on the other end?

Well, that argument doesn't really hold up, though, because it's like, you know, people buy fake drugs from the police and they still go to jail for

possession.

Here's what you do.

Ready?

I got it.

Hold on, I got it.

What you're doing is what you're doing is conspiracy.

You're attempting to break the law.

Right.

It's like, if there was a child there, do you have any doubt in your mind that this man would have fucked it?

Right.

Hold on.

Wait, here's what you do.

Yeah.

You send in a child.

It's like, you know what I'm saying?

I'll scope it out for you.

You're like, I was a kid pretending to be an adult man.

I'm trying to get some child pussy.

I'm a child.

This is legal.

And then if you see there's no Chris Hansen,

we got walkie-talkies.

A best friend, like an apprentice.

I think you're an apprentice.

No.

You're this child that would want to grow up to be a pedophile.

Yeah, Yeah, you know, like, you gotta live in the room.

Here's how you handle it: anytime you go meet a child,

underneath your, you wear a hoodie, and underneath that, you wear a t-shirt with Chris Hansen's face on.

Okay.

That way, when you show up and he's like, I'm Chris Hansen, you're like, dude, I knew it.

Yeah.

And you take the hoodie off and you're like, I fucking love you.

I've been sending you emails for weeks.

They get bounced to the spam filter.

I am a fucking Chris Hansen head.

There's only one route to go, bro.

I didn't like to do it.

I've got a Rose Bowl party, and I want you to come.

And me and my boys, we're all, we hate pedophiles.

And we love you.

We were all raped as kids.

And you're our fucking hero, and you got to hang out with us.

You can't say no in front of the cameras right now.

You're coming to hang with us.

Rose Bow Party 2017.

Are you coming, Chris?

That's good.

I think, okay, so I guess for any pedophiles listening, we have,

by mistake, given you some strategies.

But that is not our conspiracy.

We're not conspiring to do anything.

No, no, no.

I'm against pedophiles.

I'm just

very much against pedophiles.

What I'm sort of also against, though, is the show.

It's the show.

Because I'm like, well,

why are the police just doing this?

The show is not doing this.

You know what I mean?

Why does lawyer receive

it?

Exactly.

It's presented as like journalism, and that's not journalism.

No, it's watching people's lives be destroyed.

Which is fine.

Their lives deserve to be destroyed, but I don't quite understand why it's like...

Why do they also sign a release?

They don't have to.

I believe what I've been told, and I don't know if this is a myth or not.

What I've been told by cops

or from someone when I asked about cops is if someone is convicted, then there's no release necessary.

If they're found not guilty, you would need a release.

Well,

even if you're just like, they bring charges, I mean, they don't even need a conviction because because if you get stopped for a DUI, like there's plenty of jurisdictions where they just publish your photo in the newspaper.

Really?

Yeah,

mugshots are available online even if they don't have a conviction, I don't think.

You know, interesting.

Right.

You know, that's fucking Robert Kraft.

They had video of him getting sucked off.

We didn't get to see that.

We didn't get to see that.

You wanted to see that.

No, no, his lawyer's fault.

Like, it's not going to happen.

No, somebody will leak it.

I mean, that's the kind of, like, you know, it's like the.

It got tossed out.

It got tossed out of, like, evidence.

So he's probably going to walk.

And I wanted to see what his cock looked like, personally.

I wanted to see his old dick.

I want to see his old dick get sucked.

That's just me, though.

I mean,

there are people with the money to scrub things off the internet.

Like, he's the kind of guy.

If there's anyone that I think could prevent a sex tape from being leaked, I would say Robert Kraft.

Like, if you have billions of dollars, it can happen.

But I also wouldn't be surprised if

someone somewhere leaked it.

You know, there's someone in an evidence lock or someone.

Totally, dude.

Whatever happened to fucking the guys in

the masks, dude?

Anonymous.

Anonymous, yeah.

Where are they on this?

They're in jail, dude.

Julian Assange went to jail.

They're listening to this podcast.

95% first responders or hackers.

Yeah, 5% hackers.

Now, if you're listening to this, if you're part of Anonymous, show us Robert Kraft's cock.

That's what I'm saying.

We'll show Stavit.

I don't really care about it.

Show Adam.

Yeah, I really, I don't know.

I forgot who Robert Kraft was.

He's the owner of the Patriots.

Yeah, I don't care about that story.

I have a therapist.

My therapist is just an enabler.

Oh, no.

And I was like,

that's good.

I go, I go.

That's the kind of therapy you want.

Yeah, exactly.

Just a guy that just gives in to whatever I say.

So I go, You got to do you, bro.

Yeah, so you got to do you.

So, in all honesty,

I told him, I go, look, man.

This is some Samoan comic.

Bro, you brought a do you, bro?

You brought rocks

Six foot eight.

He's just standing in a squat rack.

Bro, you got to do you, bro.

So I told him, this was like a year ago.

I go, look, man, I'm done with, like, I've been done with for a while rubbing tugs.

Because, like, I like them.

It's a good...

outlet sure eat cheap and easy

but these women are sex trafficked it's cheap and easy as a race yeah

women are affected by the race.

These women are

chibanese women.

I go,

they're sex trafficked.

That's not right.

I don't want to do it anymore.

And he goes, well, that's one way of looking at it.

Yeah, but

he goes, think about this.

You're one of these women.

You're dealing with just fat pieces of mean shit all day long.

And a nice young guy like you comes in and

doesn't start any trouble.

You're the best part of their day.

And I go, well, maybe I should be back in this.

That is a wild take by your therapist.

Well, he also told me this because I tell him, because I get

the next guy comes in, he's like, I raped

prostitutes at gunpoint yesterday, and I want to kill myself.

And he's like, that's one way of looking.

But the thing is, these women deserve it.

Remember how bad your mom was?

Well, so, so, like, I get, I get, I get excited.

He's just, you got to do you, bro.

You got to live, bro.

You got to do you.

Life's for the living, bro.

Soul life.

I'm designed.

Sal life, bro.

I

from the front.

So I'm proud of this pussy.

I get very irritable.

Like, I get extraordinarily irritable.

It's part of bipolar type 2, which is kind of a bullshit diagnosis.

But essentially.

Is that the kind of bipolar named after the amount of inches of penis that Adam has?

No, me?

No, me, me.

And they had to round up.

But

no, it's kind of a a bullshit diagnosis, but basically what they tell you is

you have the depression part, but instead of the manic part, you get rage and irritability, which is kind of

weird.

But anyway, so I'm telling my therapist how, like, I handle big things well.

Like, my good buddy died, and it was, like, I...

grieve properly.

Like, you know, I handle that well.

But, like, if I see someone, like, litter or people talking during the movies, like, I want to kill him.

Like, I literally think about fucking killing.

I obsess about killing him.

It's like a very Tony Soprano.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Honestly, I got hot yesterday in John Wick III.

There was a.

No, do not not.

No, no, no, no, no.

The theater.

There was a row of fucking French people behind us.

Shut up.

Wick dies at the end.

You didn't see it.

It's not part of the movie.

There was a row of French people behind me in the theater.

John Wick dies at the end.

You're lying.

Shut up.

John Wick dies at the end of John Wick III.

Stop.

We're not talking about John Wick III.

He's killed by Ian McShane's character.

Don't shut up.

And so my guy goes, my guy goes, you know,

I think that's healthy.

These murder fantasies are

a way.

Are you just talking to a guy playing dominoes?

I don't have five parts.

He does table the club.

Probably the same guy you go to.

He goes, by having these murder fantasies, you're preventing yourself from ever committing a murder.

And I'm like,

have you ever heard of serial killers?

Like, there's a whole genre

of people that fantasize about murdering

until they murder.

There would be no reason to have a separate charge for premeditated murder.

There's not even an ounce of truth in this.

Yeah, so I love this guy.

He's on board with whatever I say.

Just a real yes man.

I mean, you have to realize that guy's just ripping you off.

No, because I feel feeling.

You never went to shrink school.

He's a professional.

Yeah.

He paid the money, student loans.

Yep.

He does.

I mean,

I would think the way you're thinking.

Yeah.

If I didn't leave feeling better.

If your life feels better.

I leave and I feel better.

You shouldn't leave feeling better.

You should go see somebody that's like, no, you fucked up.

Oh, that's so Catholic, Nick.

No, you should leave feeling better.

Catholic.

The whole point of therapy is to

experience some kind of personal growth, right?

And that doesn't happen without any degree of introspection.

But

if somebody tells you there's nothing wrong with your behavior or thinking, continue doing exactly what you're doing.

But on the the other hand, a lot of people beat themselves up about shit that they shouldn't be beating themselves up.

And the therapist can say, Listen, you think that this is weird and that you're fucked up.

That doesn't sound like the case here.

It doesn't sound like he's like, I feel bad about having too many chocolates.

A lot of people fantasize my hair.

Well, no,

no, I do.

I do.

I did get mad at him because I said, you minimize my binge eating problem, and you act like

you minimize that.

And he goes, I'm sorry if you if that is really a serious issue let's talk about that so he's he's all right you I I think there's a middle ground between what Adam and Nick are saying I think that that's the ideal therapist and maybe my guy leans a little heavy towards Adam's side of things but I I like him yeah to be honest I just re I just watch all the Melfie scenes again instead of going to a therapist regularly and that seems to work it's been working for sure you've shown a lot of growth

this is what the one thing that's infuriated me for years since I

first was given psychiatric drugs.

I find it to be one of the greatest rackets perpetrated upon us that

a therapist and a psychiatrist are two different people.

It's fucking ridiculous.

We all need to go to the school to be able to subscribe or prescribe.

And this two-job shit is bullshit.

It didn't used to be like that.

It used to be like the psychiatrist was also a therapist.

You spent an hour talking to them, and they could also write prescriptions.

And that's gone.

Now you see a therapist for an hour, and then you talk to somebody for 10 fucking minutes, and they go, here's fucking, you need to be on this shit.

And that's it.

Dude, I didn't know that there were two different jobs, and I went to a psychiatrist.

I'm more mad that they have a line you have to pay for now at the airport.

Do they?

Yeah, the TSA.

In addition to the TSA, there's now a company that has their own special line.

Oh, yeah, I saw that.

That you have to pay money for that doesn't clear.

That doesn't let you get through security.

It just lets you cut the line.

It's basically a man standing there being like, give me 20 bucks to let you cut in front of me.

Yeah, clear.

That's all it is.

What is that?

Oh, I saw a sign for that.

I couldn't figure out what it was.

That's what it is.

You pay to jump the line.

It's a line-cutting sign.

But it's not even that good.

Yeah.

It's not worth it?

No.

But is it before?

No, but I've seen people, they just cut the line.

They still have to go through fucking security.

They still have to go through security.

and but you have to give up all of your personal information to them first and then they put you through some like biometric scanner and it's like a hundred 200 bucks a year or some shit yeah and they have all your they know how big your dick is they know you know everything your blood pressure and shit yeah all that kind of shit

your fingerprints well i like i like how uh how uh

we're all everyone's in an uproar about facebook's sort of uh selling our data and nobody was just like for 10 years how is this how is the biggest company in the world making money?

No, plenty of people.

Yeah,

but not like, not in the general public.

Plenty of people who are smart enough to be, hey, you fucking idiots, they're selling everything you do.

Well, Facebook outrage and like privacy concerns didn't really seem to be a thing that most people gave a shit about until like they thought it had something to do with Donald Trump winning the election.

And then, like everything else that they get mad at Donald Trump for, an issue that's been been persistent and like a pretty apparent part of like American life for a while is now like, I can't believe this.

Now I'm mad about, you know, like fucking, like, jailing kids at the border or drone strikes or any number of things.

Here's, you know, here's my, here's my, and you're right.

That stuff has been going on all the time.

And I also hate Donald Trump, but that's precisely.

But here's, here's my issue with the privacy concerns.

Yeah.

For instance, your iPhone listening to you, right?

Yeah.

Which they continue to deny.

They definitely do.

Continue to deny, despite the fact that 100% it does.

100% it does.

There's been test after test that shows it does, and they continue to deny it.

The NSA can also listen to you through your phone.

And here's my problem.

I'm fine with that.

I don't care because at this point, I operate as if every electronic device, my whole life online or an electric device is public.

I operate that way because I don't trust any of them.

But don't fucking charge me for the phone.

You know what I mean?

If you're going to make money off listening to my phone and selling ads, then give me the phone for free.

And then sell ads off me.

I don't give a shit.

But don't make me pay built into my plan with $1,000,

which doesn't seem like $1,000 because it's in your monthly plan, but that's what it is.

It's still $40.

Or in exchange, give me all the personal information and private conversations of the Chinese people that made the phone.

Give me access to their lives and I can impress them in kind.

Oh, my fingers hurt so bad.

Yeah, yeah.

We each get like five other people's fingers.

We get direct access to their Alexa, and I get to speak through it directly to them.

Yeah, make them think you're a god.

Yeah, I got to break it to you.

I don't think the guys that made your phone have an Alexa.

They get one, that's what they're paid in.

They're given one Alexa and then 15 eggs.

All they are is your annual salary is three eggs and some green squash.

All you hear is just them complaining about when they put the suicide prevention nets in.

I love that.

They're just bouncing right back into the factory like a cartoon would.

Yeah, it's so funny.

Like Mickey Mouse been like, oh, it works too hard today, huh?

And then he tries to kill himself and just bounces right back up

to his desk.

Can't die today, Pluto.

You think some guys just do it because it looks kind of fun?

What?

It would be fun, honestly, to jump off a building and be safe.

But they game.

like to end up with, it should be the end of the game with each one of them that jumps at the end.

What happens at the end of the game?

It turns out it's all just a game.

It's a game.

He thinks he's jumping to his death.

Yeah.

And then at the end of the day, he's been manipulated by everyone that he knows into thinking there's some conspiracy against him.

Oh, right.

And he can never trust anyone again.

Yeah.

And then he kills his brother and jumps out the window.

And then

it's not real.

He doesn't kill his brother?

No, is it right?

It's a fake gun.

Yeah, everything's fake.

And the thing is, they've been like

sort of double twist.

I don't know if it's a double twist, but he has been told the whole time

this is a game.

But it becomes so real, he stops believing it's a game.

Even though they told him, this is going to be a game that becomes so real, you want to be a game.

I would fall for that shit.

I'm so weak-minded, dude.

I would kill myself in a different way.

Stop thinks that we're recording right now?

Wait, what?

He thinks we've had a podcast for the last year and a half, and he's never bothered to check.

It's just a website, but nothing.

Nick's like, he keeps being like, I got you on the check next month.

So I really hope.

I'm on a bottom on for him.

He took out a mortgage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have a home that I haven't paid for yet.

We're just three dressed-down therapists.

That's right.

Tell me I should get jerked off.

I wish my therapist told me to get jerked off.

I still didn't go back.

Huh?

No, you probably shouldn't ask.

Yeah, no, dude, that's not right, man.

Yeah.

Adam, would you care to do the opposing view?

That it's good to go?

Yeah.

Well, this therapist

humbugside.

Oh, wait a second.

I already heard a very convincing argument for going back.

So

I didn't know that.

But now

it sounds like, yeah, I'll just be a gentleman.

I'll dress nice.

Yeah, yeah, wear a tuxedo.

I'll wear a tuxedo.

You know, I'll say, how was your day?

Ask them about their shit.

You know what I was thinking about?

Jack off, I got a lot of guys' dicks today.

How's everything?

You know what I was thinking about is a new genre or era of Maury where he brings on

white people to do 23 and me.

and then the DNA results allow them.

He goes,

Maurice, we got the results, and you are allowed to say the N-word.

And then they get up and dance.

Yeah, I knew it.

I knew it.

You bit boop, you bitch head.

Boop.

I'm going to say boop all motherfucking day, baby.

Boop, boop, boop.

Fuck y'all, boop.

Dude,

my dad did 23andMe, and it was the most depressing shit ever.

It was just

100% Irish.

Nothing.

Nothing in him.

Just Irish.

Fucking straight Irish.

Like, not even the Viking Irish.

There was no Scandinavian, nothing.

Nothing cool.

You're just all Irish.

Yeah.

And like 2% English.

That's how Eldis is with like this very specific region of Albania.

Like he's a straight, my roommate, my best friend.

He's

completely inbred.

Just a villager from Albania that has moved to america his like bloodline was unbroken for thousands of years that's so funny he lives he lives with six other people and walks around the entire apartment naked he does a lot that's he rocks he's amazing have you met him no i haven't but i i have a great albanian friend named plurat and similarly

very complicated albanians but also best friends with one yeah it feels like they're new to names Plurat?

The Albanian people.

Yeah, yeah, right.

They haven't quite nailed it down.

Everyone's got names.

Well, Eldis.

I've just been like, hey, hey, good buddy.

Oh my God.

Hey, come here, buddy.

I couldn't go to Albania because this is interesting.

I was reading, like,

because

I don't drink anymore.

And like, if you go into their home, they offer you a little shit.

Yeah.

They offer you a little shot of their fortified wine or whatever it is.

And if you decline it, it's like you're now in a blood feud.

You know, like you're now, you, seriously like it's like a fucking it's like you just spit in their face and so i can't ever go there yeah they don't even have they don't even have like running water in a lot of that shit yeah like elders tell me yeah when he was i mean maybe they do now but when he was visiting his relatives he would have to just go it's like borat's town yeah literally yes although i think albanians like a horse pulling a car i think albanians in the mountains have the weird like you can become trans like women can become men yeah they have that in other countries too like india yeah like tribes.

There's tribes that have like six genders.

Yeah, it's pretty tight.

Like, if you're too much of a pussy to stick your dick in the gourd filled with bullet ants,

then

you're not allowed to be a man anymore.

You have to like bring water to the fucking grandmas.

My barber is Albanian, and he's got just a long

about letter-height

rectangular tattoo on his farm that's clearly a cover-up.

And I'm like, oh, that's what, Christian Death Squad.

That's either anti-Semitic or a war crime.

Like, one of those two things.

Like, that's what

one of those two things is under that tattoo.

It's killed an entire yeah, you because there's very few things a guy like that would get covered up

closely and you can faintly make out Avenge Sevenfold.

Yeah,

he's got like a I thought they're a very good band for a while, but you know, I was younger, I was 36, I did not realize they were gay.

I thought Bad Country was cool song.

I thought Bad Country was really fucking cool music back then, and I like to go to club to meet the pussy, but

now I'm

not

such a cool band.

That's cool.

Yep.

Have you seen Flanagan's arms?

No.

Flanagan got some shitty tattoo covered up, and his whole forearm is just like this this shitty, like, big heart with an arrow.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

Yeah, cover-up, yeah, whatever the fuck that idiot got on his arm.

Cover-ups are brutal, dude.

No, it's it's fucking a wigger Spider-Man.

Like, I guarantee you, he has tattoos that are just like the shirts from Super Kmart.

The graphics tease, where it's like damn, it's like one of like a homie's doll

in the middle of a Yin.

Chevy logo.

I have this tiger tattoo that I like.

That's cool, though.

It's Asian.

It looks like a Yakuza tattoo.

Yeah, I like it.

But then I was on the road and I got a Panther Head tattoo, and it's like selectively shaded.

And I was like looking in the mirror for a while and I was just like, ah, fuck.

I accidentally got another tiger tattoo.

If you have one tiger tattoo, you can be like, oh, they look cool.

If you have two, like, I got to know stuff about tigers.

I got to be interested you know tiger saved your life yeah i'm kind of like a tiger dude

absolutely yeah you could just get it shaded or something whatever i don't care i know i well like i'm fine with my tattoo i don't yeah i like people are always like aren't you gonna hate them when you get old and i'm like i hate myself already right

also everyone looks like shit when they're old that argument has never made sense to me it's like in fact it'd probably be kind of funny and cool to have tattoos oh old dudes tattoos look somewhat amazing because their skin grows over them and they're just like a blurry blue and it looks cool as shit i feel like if i had tattoos i would regret them less than like the vast history of things i've said on the internet oh yeah yeah yeah exactly like you know yeah i i love my tattoos man

the podcast the podcast all of the racist tweets

the racist videos sure sure sure um the you know the racist stuff i did last week yep yeah but that's actually fine it's like i'm starting to think I'm waiting, I'm going to buy the dip on wokeness.

Oh, interesting.

You know, and I'm waiting for it because it's going to crash.

Yeah, you were saying you were ready to get back on Twitter when you're going to be woke again?

Donald Glover is going to have a meltdown.

Yeah, being woke will be counterculture.

It will be.

And I'm going to buy the dip.

Your Cometown fans are fucking

on the ball, man.

You guys must have it rough.

I was not expecting it.

I tweeted this thing about this girl who gave me a,

who I thought was flirting with me, but gave me a laser fat removal brochure.

Laser fat?

Laser fat removal.

Oh, that's hilarious.

So I tweeted it.

I tweeted it like,

I go, this happened a couple weeks ago, and some guy immediately goes, no, it didn't.

You told that story on Come Town three and a half months ago.

And I go, dude.

Yeah, I know, but I hadn't tweeted it.

I just said a couple weeks ago to to make it more recent.

Like, yes, yes, I said that story.

Well, that makes you a liar and a bad person.

Well, no, I know.

And he got me, he showed me real quick.

That guy's definitely a much better person than

a great person and has a lot of good stories and understands

how to be funny.

He's got a lot of friends.

Oh, my God.

That guy kid.

It's surprising he got online because hanging out with all his friends probably takes up so much time.

Yeah.

A young pussy gets it.

Now, what is laser fad removal?

I guarantee you it doesn't work.

At least at the level they're trying to pitch me.

I bet if you were like a Hollywood millionaire or mega, you know, 100 millionaire, there's probably some form of it that's effective.

Whatever they were trying to pitch me on Fifth Avenue in Park Slope, I can imagine does not work.

I've got eight laser pointers.

I saw John Cena get himself frozen, I think.

And I want to try that.

My bronze does that.

My sister does that.

She runs marathon.

She loves it.

Oh, yeah.

She was telling me about that actually.

But

I was like,

when I go in

and they're like

15 minutes, you know, 20 minutes.

And I was like, I don't want to get into it.

Can I do 65 years?

And then you come out in the future.

Nice.

And you have all this knowledge that no one else knows because you're from a different time.

Yeah, because people from the past are smarter.

Exactly.

I can show up and be like, have you ever seen an iPhone?

It's demonstrating.

Like, wait, do you think you're from the future?

Yeah.

No, I'm from a different time.

Which makes me wise.

It's clearly demonstrated in Cinema.

You want to know who won the 2016 World Series?

Just trying to make bets like in Back to the Future.

They're like, no, you have this backwards man.

I've got this sports almanac that's going to never be stopped.

There's going to be a guy called Donald Trump, and we've got to stop him.

They're like, no, you're from that time.

Yeah.

And you decided to freeze yourself

and come here.

I think you only freeze.

I don't think you freeze your head.

Yeah, you freeze like your body.

And it's all like.

So I can have an old man's face, but with the body of it.

It's ripped.

Of a sloppy 30-year-old.

You would have to get ripped first.

I know, yeah.

Like that guy you saw jacking off on Chat Roulette that one time.

Or Chatterbin.

What?

Nick said you saw an old man, but he was like, just had a 12-pack and he was jacking off alone to zero viewers.

No, I did see an old man that was feeding off to nobody, just going at it, and there's like nobody.

He's like, damn, BRB.

And then he just goes.

Oh, I thought you said he was Jack, too.

I thought

you're conflating that with the advertisement that's like that old grandpa, like this grandpa got in shape.

It's like, oh, yeah, I remember.

I had a guy, I had an old guy

in a sauna

at Harbor Fitness in Brooklyn.

He was probably about 76.

He started jerking off.

It was just me and him.

But he's too old.

He was too old to beat up.

And I didn't see him as a threat.

So I didn't want to report him.

So I just go, hey, man,

you got to stop that.

There was a period where Lewis was complaining.

People either not outright propositioning him or gay sex happening around him at Equinox.

Which is so funny for that to be happening to Lewis.

That is awesome.

Well, I go, it was very funny because this guy uh because i didn't really understand

what gaslight meant yeah until this guy gaslit me this guy goes i go you got to stop that he goes stop what and just keep jerking off

while jerking off yeah while jerking off and i was just like man respect and i was like well i'm not leaving this sauna and you know what you're doing and he just jacked off and you actually he totally won dude he alpha yeah clearly yeah clearly because i'm not gonna beat up an old guy, but I'm also not going to let him make me leave the sauna.

Right.

I'm enjoying this.

Like, I did my part, which was tell him to stop jacking off, and he beat me.

Now, he's old as shit.

Now, see, if you were a woman, that would have happened the same exact way, but you'd be an actress now.

You'd be a famous actor.

That's right.

So the next time they want to say they got it bad.

That's right.

Remember that Brendan isn't Scarlet Joe.

This has done nothing for me.

Yeah.

You know,

that old man with a

he's not in Moda Lisa's smile, isn't it?

Mona Lisa's smile.

Did he have a nice dick?

No.

No.

No, a real shabby piece.

Real bad dick.

Real fucking cobwebby.

It's good he can still get it hard, though.

Yeah.

I mean,

it barely qualified as hard.

Did he come?

Yeah.

How funny it would be if that guy died?

Clearly, started having a heart attack while beating off, and then you're put in the position where you have to help him,

but he's still refusing to beat and stop beating.

And I'm doing CPR, and he's getting harder.

Yeah,

you have to save me.

And then the DNA is on him, and it's like, and then

the door to the sauna swings open.

It's like, hi, I'm John Quiñones.

What an amazing name.

He's just sweating profusely through his pan suit.

I'm John Quiñones.

That would would be a great scenario, man.

I think if John Quiñones came in, I do think he would say,

you did the right thing.

That was the move.

We said, no beating up, but a firm talking to is the right answer.

And then the CPR, which is even the CPR.

And then that guy with Down syndrome is behind them.

He's like, really good job.

But don't call him McDonald's.

We're real proud of you.

Me Me and the other guys were sitting in the control room watching the monitors, and we were all saying that that man is he's got real character.

But I didn't know this.

Gyms

in New York historically sort of sauna specifically, historically kind of a gay hookup spot.

And I had no idea.

Oh, wow.

I just like a steam.

I like a sweat.

I like a good sweat going.

Yeah.

Clean your pores, you know?

Of course.

I love a steam.

Nice Schmitz.

I would like, if you could have one luxurious thing in your home, what would you pick?

Sauna?

Would you pick pizza oven?

Would you pick a basketball court?

This is what I would pick.

How about what wouldn't you do?

And a guy comes into a restaurant, and he goes up to someone's table, and he's holding a gun to a man with Down syndrome's head.

And he's like, either you suck my dick or I blow his brains out right now.

And then the guy's like, the woman's crying.

She doesn't know what to do.

And eventually she gets on her knees and starts blowing the guy.

And then it's like, hi, I'm John Quiñones.

Oh, you'd let her blow him.

Wait, who are you?

I'm John Quiñones.

Oh, but I mean, who is this for?

Is it like an observer?

It's what wouldn't you do?

Oh, what wouldn't you do?

To save the retarded kid.

Okay, so you're an observer at a different table.

No, the woman is the one that's the mark.

Oh, okay, the woman's the mark.

And they're like, we were just going to see if you would do it.

And we're trying to find your limit.

It seems like what you're saying is televising rape.

That's still what would you do scenarios.

That's still what would you do.

It's not what, yeah, that's still what would you do.

That's a better show if the guy's a better show if the guy comes in and goes, I'm not John Kenyon.

I'm just I would also like my dick sucked if we're just that guy's friend.

Yeah, that's interesting, Nick.

I think ultimately kind of hard to get green lit, but it's a good idea.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, yeah.

I mean, we've got to start taking meetings and stuff in Hollywood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a good thing to pitch.

Pitch that and then see what it leads to.

The Blackface John Wig?

That's true.

We came up with a couple of good ones.

I got fired from a writing gig one time.

I was writing for reality TV, and this guy who was,

I can't really say, but his IQ

definitely was in the range of being considered mentally disabled.

Like around there, hovering around.

And he's your boss?

No.

He is a guy.

he is a guy appearing on the show he is a guy who they are pitching to do a show called zombie hunter right because this was when bigfoot hunter was big so this guy is gonna hunt zombies which i should mention to your listeners don't exist yeah there are none

and so

well it sounds like you would want a man that was mentally disabled well right but so i got fired welcome to santa hunter because i literally told this guy because like you know they're doing they're doing fucking 50 of these at a time.

They're running through development.

And this guy is so psyched.

And he's talking to me on the phone because I'm going to write it, right?

And he goes, I'm quitting my job at the gas station.

This is going to be big.

And I go, look, man, you don't quit your job.

Yeah.

I go, a lot of times these things don't happen.

Like, just hold off.

Keep your job.

Right.

Like, just wait.

And a fucking reality TV son of a bitch executive comes into my office.

Well, Michael drank all the gasoline and goes and goes, did somebody tell the fucking zombie hunter not to quit his job?

Because now he's worried it's not going to happen.

Who the fuck told him to keep his job?

I go, you evil piece of shit.

And they fired me for that, for telling a retarded guy.

And just to be clear, he still works at that gas.

Yeah, just to be clear, I saved his job.

There's no zombie hunter on TV.

And those evil people are like, this guy can't take a meeting because he's working at the Sunako, you know,

to fire the guy who told him not to quit his job and ruin his life to hunt zombies.

Wow.

Damn, dude.

What if you fucked up your life too?

What if that was going to be the biggest thing?

But hold on.

The way you hunt zombies is by shooting them in the head.

Right.

So who has this guy been hunting?

Here's what it was.

Why is he the zombies hunting?

This is what it was.

Look, the only way you get a show about being a zombie hunter is if you're an expert on hunting zombies, right?

And if zombies aren't real, then that means that we're all on equal footing, assuming we haven't murdered anybody.

So this guy must have killed people.

No, his deal was

much like the Bigfoot hunter guys, he was essentially...

a doomsday prepper but weapon-oriented

so they were gonna they were gonna thankfully the law let's say they were gonna like brutalize that like here's a mentally disabled man with a basement full of like crossbows and fucking ninja stars and shit.

Like, and we'll just have him walk around the woods for a while, you know, and get blurry footage of like a guy.

That's incredible.

Shoot someone in the crew.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jesus.

So they wanted to make a documentary about Timothy McVay

leading up to the Oklahoma City bombing.

Right.

And probably, you know what?

I mean, they're shitty enough to just watch that happen and be like,

let this roll.

Oh, of course.

Let this roll.

Let's see what this is.

Yeah, they're like, he seems to be expecting a rather large zombie invasion.

He's making a

75-pound fertilizer bomb.

I think.

This is great preparation.

He's not taking it away in a van.

Well, I'm off to hunt zombies at the synagogue.

Did you ever wonder why so much money goes to that zombie country?

We have a $38 billion

budget set aside for the zombie country's defense that they don't even need.

And it's like these zombies,

these zombies run the media.

They're so annoying and they're always sick.

They are.

Yeah, they are annoying.

Disgusting.

That's awesome that that guy has fucking weapons just in some basement in Queens somewhere.

No, he was like a southern guy.

He was a southern guy.

And it was like,

man,

it was a low job.

I was glad to be out of there.

Because you realize real quickly.

And I knew going in, but I didn't know to the degree to which those low-budget

reality shows are so fake.

It's just totally scripted.

100% scripted.

It's just scripted with bad actors.

You could never do it, but it would be fun to do like a sitcom about just a regular Muslim American guy, you know, like this,

whatever the new Cal Penn show they got, or anyone, you know, like the woke comedies or whatever, right?

Where it's just, you know, like him going on dates or like, you know, being in his job or whatever.

But then throughout the series, he's slowly radicalized and eventually commits a terrorist attack.

Yeah.

And you just sell it as like, and you just fucking make sure a lot of people are watching.

Right.

And then the first four episodes are basically master of none.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he's on a date and the girl has a microaggression against him.

The network can't make the difficult decision.

Yeah.

Where you're like, either you let him.

You have spicy food.

You either let him blow himself up at the Boston Marathon, or we're not doing the show.

Slowly, there's like hijinks happening at flight training school.

Just to see if they would let you do that.

He's price comparing.

Probably not.

I'm going to go and get a great idea.

No, I'm saying like if the Big Bang theory went down a panel, you have to go into the

where Sheldon is turning into a racist Nazi and then he goes to Charlottesville and drives a car through the crowd.

If fucking, like, they demanded that that's what happened on the show.

The audience is huge.

There's no way, yeah, there's no way they're going to be like, well, we have to cancel Big Bang Theory.

They're like, let's just deal with the backlash.

Let him do it.

Who is making this demand?

Sheldon himself?

The actor?

Or the

me as the new showrunner.

Got it.

Oh, got it.

Big Bang Theory.

Whose authority is never to be challenged.

Chuck Lorry's like, Nick, you're my fucking heir apparent.

Big Bang Perry.

And everyone's like, I don't know about this.

But the kid from Roseanne is like, no, this is good.

This is good.

I like this.

It's broad comedy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's broad comedy already.

Man, I would love to just, I would love to be like Chandler and just be addicted to pills.

Isn't he addicted to pills?

No, I mean, Matthew Perry.

He was like Coke a lot.

Matthew Perry was just gone.

He's like the fat and

Coke.

The entire time that show was on.

But just, you know, know, to be making millions of dollars an episode, you hate yourself.

You thought, you know, you were going to have all these projects and be a different kind of actor.

And then your big break is still your big break and you'll be remembered forever.

But you just want to take those fucking pills and go home.

Just turn it all off.

But you know what's frustrating is like it doesn't have to be that.

You could just be like, you know what?

Fuck this.

I'm going to do it.

It's real easy.

Now I'm phoning it in.

Oh, I'm saying I want it to be that.

Oh,

you would wallow in that.

You would enjoy that.

I would, would, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Well, yeah, just take some pills, man.

Yeah.

You can do that without being on friends.

To be a pill addict?

Yeah.

Like,

you don't need the sitcom.

There's no honoring.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're not that expensive.

There's no honor.

I mean,

obviously, you take a look back at Friends, and Matthew Perry is the most honorable character.

He is the most honorable one.

He can still act and be on pills.

If any of them were close to being samurai, it would be him.

You would say Chandler?

Yeah.

He was a Ronin.

i would say joey yeah why

just he um he never said anything bad about you remember calling people gay why

gay why he was a gay wad and then gay why gay wad yeah why you gay why

i don't remember though i don't remember gay why yeah it is a thing i remember gay why what is a gay wad reminded of it just like a bundled up piece of gay it's what it's you What do you mean a wad?

But a wad, a wad of what?

It doesn't make any sense to me.

You're a gay wad.

What a crumpled-up piece of gay.

Is that what it is?

I guess.

Maybe cumulative.

Tell me

that's going into a man.

So you're like, that's a gay.

Oh, a gay wad.

You're a gay wad.

Yeah, you've...

So it's the actual nut.

It's the bust.

I mean, I don't think so until you made me think about it, but not if I had to put a definition on it.

I think it's more of a poetic thing.

Yeah, I think it's...

I like Butt Pirate.

That was good.

Of course.

That's it.

You seemed like very swashbuckling.

No, but see, that had a

problem with that is that had a...

That makes me think Pirates of the Caribbean.

Yeah, I mean, so it also had a movie of Jerry Bruckheimer.

You know, you know what it makes me think of is those Pirates of the Caribbean.

Yeah,

but pirate has a rape connotation to it, though, I feel like, because pirates just take what they want.

I thought it was more of like a just having fun kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah, they seem like fun chaps.

No, the pirate life was much less fun than you'd think.

But that's not how it's been sold to us.

But yeah, the idea of like frilly blouses and having sex with each other and getting diamonds and stuff.

Yeah.

You keep birds.

I would love to be a space pirate.

That would be tight.

I got a spaceship, an eye patch.

Yeah.

That'd be pretty good.

Yeah, your spaceship's always like almost falling apart.

Yeah.

You're working on it.

Yeah.

We need 80 more melanin crystals.

Melanin.

Get the hyperdrive working.

Oh, slavery is returning.

And one melanin crystal is what you call a black person.

Well, but you cook a bell into

fuel the hyperdrive.

God, we're 50 parsecs away from the

next melanin repository.

This sounds basically Star Wars.

It is Star Wars.

Okay.

I will admit.

The Forces.

There's a bit of plagiarism happening.

So it's Star Wars paraces.

Oh, this is a new one for us.

The redo was pretty good.

It was very similar.

There was just a slight change.

No, I liked it.

There was a melanin aspect that I did not see coming.

Here's the thing.

Although I don't agree with its politics, in terms of making big money,

so most people like Star Wars now that it's very, you know, a lot of there's women involved.

There's different ethnicity involved.

But you're now angry nerds.

You're right.

No women were previously involved in Star Wars.

Well, you know what I mean?

Everyone's mad about Rey being a main character.

It's woke.

Star Wars is woke.

Nick is suggesting something for the other side of the aisle.

And that's what Star Wars is about, is about balance.

The forester has

evil.

You're doing the Sith version.

Dark versus light.

In a way, Darth Vader becomes even more of a good guy than Luke because he overcame the darkness to return to the light.

Oh.

So if you have a racist character that's unapologetically racist, and then presumably in some future movie, he's going to be like, oh, I was wrong.

But we don't even have to make that.

The dark side is you can't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, hold on, let him finish.

That can be assumed.

You can assume that, but then we get to see this guy just being racist as hell.

Not a care in the world.

This is the big, bad, racist guy in the galaxy, and we all love him for it.

Arguably,

Jar Jar Bink's more racist than everything you just described.

That is true.

Because he was...

He's a lazy Jamaican.

Yeah, right.

So, like, everything you describe is tame compared to what they already did,

which was

make a black alien that was

big-ass lips,

talked like an idiot.

That's why maybe you're the racist one because he's actually a member of the parliament or the senate or whatever issue.

So he overcame being a retarded Jamaican person who's incredibly lazy and always messing up to becoming a member of parliament.

He spoke like yeah, he's sort of the AOC of their

blade runner get in prison.

You know, what kind of legs do they give him?

Oh, oh, you mean uh I don't know what made me think of him, but yeah, what

are they get in prison?

Like a just a like a does he get cool blades?

Does he get prosthetics at all?

Or

if he's bad, they take his legs away.

They give him pegs.

Yeah,

I guess because if you have a double I don't think you can really walk well with double prosthetics.

I don't know.

He might just be in a wheelchair.

They took his scoops away from him.

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, they should certainly didn't give him those like $100,000 blades back.

Why?

They're his, yeah, they're his, yeah, but you can you forfeit a lot of stuff when you kill your wife.

It would be funny to be the guy that's bullying him in prison and you're just walking around with those taped to the bottom of your regular feet.

He's just mobile, like, man, I got some new kicks.

Well, I was like, how like on the floor?

You know how, like, uh,

you ever get in a fight with a girl

halfway through, you realize, like, oh,

oh, I've lost control of this.

This is a purpose was wrong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those fantasies were.

I got to call my most trusted friend with a car.

I got to find a way to hit this on Anthony.

No,

you ever fight with a girl, and like halfway through, you realize, like, oh,

this fight is about something different.

Yeah.

We're not fighting.

And, like, I love that that's what happened to OJ.

Like,

he

was on trial for stealing his own sports memorabilia.

And then the judge was like, that'll be 30 years in jail.

And he was like, oh,

this is about that other thing.

They're getting me on this.

Yeah, this was not about a jersey.

This is a reverse alcohol, basically.

I've always said he should have used the defense that he accidentally killed her.

It was manslaughter, not murder, because he was just as clumsy as his character in the naked gun series.

Oh, that's pretty good.

What I think is fascinating is, so he golfs, right?

He golfs.

I've read he golfs on public courses.

And, you know, if you go to a public golf course as a single,

if it's busy, they pair you.

They put you, they group you because Forsoms move the course along faster.

So if you're just like three bros going out to golf, and they're like, hold on a second, we've got a fourth joining you.

And you're like, oh, fuck, that's OJC.

And then you'd have to just play the round of golf.

Best round of golf ever.

Do you think?

I would love to be so charismatic.

Yeah.

Would you broach the subject of killing his wife?

You would casually keep talking about the statue of limitation.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You'd be like, dude, I robbed the bank in 1993 and I fucking brag about it all the time because it's too late.

They already lost out.

Anyways, do you have any stories like that?

Since we're all telling stories here, stories that are over 15 years old.

He's like, I don't.

But if I did do it.

Yeah, but if I did, here's the story I had.

I would also just want to hear his regular life story.

He's an interesting guy.

He ran for over 2,000 yards.

Yep.

NFL legend.

That's crazy.

You know what?

When you watch that documentary, his dad was gay, and everyone made fun of him.

That's true, yeah.

So that's probably pretty interesting.

Was

they thrown away gay people

Nicole Brown Simpson?

It's interesting.

I never thought about it that way.

The real criminal is Marcus Allen, who fucked his friend's wife.

You don't do that.

That is pretty hard.

The blood is on your hands, Marcus Allen, if you're listening, which I'm sure you are.

Yeah, a big.

Yeah, Marcus Allen loves this dude.

Yeah.

That is pretty rude of him to fuck his friend's wife, I got to be honest.

Yeah.

But do you think OJ was a good friend?

No.

He's probably a sociopath, right?

Yeah, yeah.

He thought of himself as the alpha dog.

Like he can fuck with everyone.

It probably was funny to fuck OJ's.

They probably weren't really friends.

Well, it probably was funny.

And Mark Sound.

Fuck, man.

I was just having a laugh.

I didn't know you were going to kill her.

I didn't know you were going to kill her.

And that guy wasn't even her boyfriend.

You're just gay, really?

No, that dude was just her friend.

He never got pussied.

No.

He was just a.

No, no, no.

No.

I believe he was gay.

Was he gay?

That's what I think.

I think he was just a friend.

I was like, I was like, I was like, it up by saying, like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He was fucking that one.

Our son killed her.

And now they're together in heaven.

Fucking that pussy up.

Our son's probably fucking her in heaven right now.

So this New York Times story just came out.

It's about the immigrants that have to buy medallions.

Oh, like taxi medallions.

Taxi medallion.

Do you know how the medallion system works?

Yeah, it's like $40,000.

It's like basically like stock trading.

The value goes up and down.

They're worth an incredible amount of money.

This dumbass Egyptian guy that lives in a shanty in presumably this neighborhood.

Queens.

Yeah, spent $800.

Oh, you know where he lives, Adam, in this article that just came out that you haven't even seen it?

It looks like Queens in that field.

But it doesn't look like Queens to me.

It seems like a Queensland.

The picture that Adam has identified

as Queens is literally

just the garage door is all you see.

You don't see a lot of garages in Brooklyn.

It's a Queens thing.

You're not a guy.

There is no identifying information in that picture whatsoever.

They're a close-up of the man's face.

They stand outside their garage.

I say it's a Queens.

Oh, that guy, that's Midwood.

That's Midwood for sure.

He lives in a neighborhood, but probably this one.

Oh, no, it's Queens.

I know for sure.

Looks like Queens.

I'm taking the opposite position.

I'm going to say Queens.

Not this neighborhood.

You smell like pea, by the way.

Let's find out.

That might be me.

I pissed.

I didn't shake my dick because

it's Adam.

It's Adam.

It's Adam.

Adam went to Queens to drink pea before he came to the show.

Why would I do that?

That's so out of my way.

Because they got it.

Because you love the way it looks.

Yeah.

The pee?

You love going to Queens and remarking on the way it looks and how much you.

Oh, I know this neighborhood.

I come here to drink pea all the time.

Are you upset that I said that that garage was in Queens?

Because it's not.

Because it was constantly.

Let's find out where it is.

This is interesting.

I'm skimming it.

How did it make you feel?

This would be cool if Adam.

I'm having fun either way.

So, where do you park your car?

I have a garage.

Oh, yeah.

Under his

garage, I do.

Wow.

There's a garage literally a block over.

That's nice.

A garage that looks exactly like this.

There's garages throughout

the Queens, Staten Island, everywhere.

It would be hilarious if this was next door to Adam's apartment.

That would be awesome.

I need to know where it is.

I'm pretty in touch with the culture.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sure you're very accepted in your neighborhood.

Well, the one thing going for Adam is that a lot of taxi drivers do live in Queens.

Yeah.

And I'm basing that on the night of

the HBO.

Everybody, this sounds like, I'm going to say this, and it seems like something that probably people already knew, but the former chairman of the National Credit Union Administration's name is Dennis Dollar.

Wow.

That's Reddit.

And look at that.

But what was,

Nick, the original point?

No, No, no, no, no, no.

We have to call it.

No, we have to call it.

That's not how things go here.

Just laughing at this dumb immigrant for spending $890,000 on a taxi without that.

Oh, no.

But don't they, isn't that what they're around, what they're trading at?

I mean, guys make money off those.

I thought they took a loan.

$40,000.

No, no, no, no.

The point is that you're never going to make a million dollars driving a cab.

So it's like, it's just

like a house.

It's like, yes, you won't make a million dollars driving the cab, but when you retire, you can also sell that medallion.

Right.

So you make whatever money you're making.

You make payments on the medallion, but then also you can sell whatever portion of that medallion you've made payments on.

So it's like a house.

It's like an investment.

It's an investment.

Interesting.

But it's like if the, like, you know, I mean, what are the terms of the loan?

Is it a 200-year loan?

Right.

You're taking that

$90,000 loan.

If it's a 30-year loan, I mean, your payments are going to be through the fucking roof.

Right.

Especially for a cab driver.

So, like, you you would just, I mean, it's not,

especially in an industry that's failing right now.

Well, that's the thing.

A lot of guys invested.

There were guys that owned like 10 medallions

as an investment and rented them out.

And then Uber came out and it fucking, the bubble burst on those things.

And they went from like 1.4 million to this

890,000.

Yeah, I mean, they were expensive.

Yeah, they were a lot of money.

Well, because the city, there's too many fucking caps.

So they have to make a system where you can't, they have to limit.

That's why the tolls are so expensive because they can't have enough fucking

they don't want cars in the city.

There's too many.

That's why all the tunnels are $13, you know, because they're like, stay the fuck out of here.

Damn, dude.

I mean, Uber must be fucking up traffic then.

Truly.

And people get raped and shit, which is pretty fucked up.

In Uber.

And it's a horrible job.

Oh, yeah.

They don't make shit.

It's a fucked up.

Something's going to happen.

It helps helps them lease the cars and then they're just basically indentured servants

where they have to like pay for their like sharecroppers like pay uber for the car have you ever given anyone anything other than a five star rating i i

honestly never i don't think i've ever i gave a guy a one star rating one time but i had already yelled at him called him a faggot prior to getting out of the car so it's like oh i saw nick was that when you put your foot on the thing i did not put my foot on the thing these fucking assholes are like oh don't put your feet on my seats and i'm like i don't i'm my legs are just crossed i'm not putting my feet on your fucking seats and i had one guy do it and then you know he was like he's like he's like well you put your feet on the seat and i'm like no no you weren't there for it this was a different time and you know he's like you put your feet on the seat i'm like no he's like yeah we'll see about that and i was like see about what you fucking faggot and i took my phone out and i started recording him and i was like look look at the fucking seat there's nothing on it i was like shoving the camera

you just had gotten in no i was getting out I was on the way out and this bitch is sitting there like passively aggressive like

like thinking I have my feet and I just don't yeah I mean it's you just fucking turn around and look yeah yeah yeah you know and it's like look like look before that guy sit there and sucks though

okay so

I got a I got a Uber in Little Rock he got paid for that ride I got an Uber he's also got a one star for being a fucking asshole I got an Uber in Little Rock and the guy the whole trip just won't stop talking about it's trips like these that cost me money.

I need the Uber X's.

That's what I need.

Or the Uber blacks.

I need the Uber blacks.

This kind of shit, this costs me money.

And I go, well, you didn't have to pick me up.

What are you talking about?

I want to listen to this the whole time.

Like, don't pick me up, man.

Is there a

glut of Uber blacks being called on a Tuesday in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Who was the mayor going out to lunch?

You fucking asshole.

You got the whole time.

Every mile, it's caught because with the car, the payment I'm making on the car plus the gas, I'm losing money taking you to your hotel.

Well, fuck you, don't take me there.

Yeah, well, it's because if they decline rides, then like they're less likely to get rides in the future, but it's like you're complaining to the wrong guy.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm going to tip you well.

I always like if they're if they're nice,

because I understand it's the whole gig economy thing sucks.

And it's like, yes, I get it.

They chose to do it, but still.

I don't tip on Ubers and Lips.

No?

Because it's new.

Yeah.

Like, I tip in Cavs, but I mean, I don't know.

I mean, I guess it's

at this point it's stupid.

Well, no, because it's new.

And I feel like if enough people don't, I mean, the way it should work is nobody fucking tips, and then Uber's forced to pay these people

that compensate them fairly.

They're not going to compensate.

How do they claim to report losses too?

They say, like, oh, our company loses like hundreds of millions of dollars a year.

Who?

Uber.

They do, they do.

That's what they say.

Yeah, they do.

Because they don't, because it's not

for what?

What are they doing?

They just have an app.

No.

People are driving the cars.

Well, I mean, obviously, there's people that work at the fucking company.

Yeah, they're like, okay.

They're losing hundreds of millions of dollars.

They're dollars off of

advertisement.

Yeah.

Advertisement, recruitment,

training.

I think it's fake.

Get over here.

They're saying they're losing money so they don't have to pay fucking taxes.

Well, the way a lot of those companies get away with not paying taxes is they give away a lot of shares and then count those as like costs.

Right.

So, and I mean, that's what like Amazon and Delta does.

But did you see that Delta sign that was like buy a PS4 instead of joining the union?

Sick.

That is smart.

Or instead of having health insurance, what was it?

Union.

It was Union, yeah.

Uber's IPO was one of the most

unsuccessful

things.

It was one of the most unsuccessful first day offerings of all time.

Really?

Percentage-wise.

Percentage-wise, yeah.

Wow, yeah, good.

I hope they fucking fail.

And a lot of people made a lot of people made a lot of money.

A lot of people made a lot of money shorting them because people kind of knew, like, hedge fund guys knew like this is going to tank immediately because the shitty it's a shitty company.

What's the bet?

The bet is that eventually they'll have robot cars and not have to pay the people at all.

That's what they think.

Yeah, that's what they think.

That's their bet.

But that's, dude, that's so far away.

The idea that that's close is

far-fetched because they haven't even figured out because it's not just the technology is close, but there's a whole fucking

spider web of things to get through in terms of, okay, what happens if someone dies?

Yeah.

Who's liable if there's a crash?

All this.

There's

so many red flags to get through before that.

At least I would, and I'm obviously a dumb comedian, but I would say 20 years, 20 years before self-driving cars are on the road as a normal thing.

Be so sick.

You get drunk as hell, just go home.

But what's the difference between that with the driver?

No, I'm saying, like, if you have your own self-driving car.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You get in your own damn car and go home.

Well, I used to get

off in the car.

You jack off, you get your dick sucked.

Get your dick sucked.

The car could suck you.

How is that different from now, though?

Well, you have to drive and get your dick sucked, and that could be distracting.

Yeah, but you can do all that.

If a robot, not really, you can drive, get your dick sucked.

How am I supposed to drive

suck a guy's dick at the same time?

There he is.

It's dangerous.

Yeah.

Adam Gibbs Roadhead while driving.

I always just take the wheel, please.

I'll work the pedals.

Well, it's a very short man standing up on the seat.

Oh, that's cool.

I always get mad.

Babies on his knees.

I always get mad when people are like,

man, I thought there'd be flying cars by now.

And it's like, oh, you mean like a sort of a five-seat vehicle that can fly in the air?

They're called helicopters.

You just wanted easier, less expensive flying cars.

Also,

it fucks me up that just

video chatting is just real.

Like, that's something that straight up was in movies.

It was just like, it's like,

we've got half the future.

I mean, the other half sucks dick.

Well, and there's stuff we don't even know about.

Yeah, dude.

The military's got.

The military has next-level shit.

They're probably.

The Navy spent like all this fucking money on that rail gun, and then they got it to work, and they're like, yeah, we're never going to use this.

Also, don't we just not know what

their actual budget?

They probably are just doing shit that's wild, dude.

Well, you know what's really wild is like

I was looking into this because

it frustrated me that billionaires were donating to rebuild Notre Dame

because I understand the Catholic Church doesn't own Notre Dame.

It's owned by the French government, but the Catholic Church uses it, and their contract is that they're allowed to use it in perpetuity forever

for free.

So essentially, they own it.

And so the idea that these billionaires would donate to something that the Catholic Church essentially owns was crazy to me.

And I was like trying to get a handle on what is the actual wealth of the catholic church and it's

so vast that literally they don't know they have no way of knowing because there's no way to value yeah you can't

yeah exactly years ago and so and so they they also spread out all the wealth they're not centralized so that so the individual diocese own their own real estate and that way

that way they kind of protect themselves at an international tax level and they also protect themselves from kids who got fucked suing them because, like, you know,

the Buffalo diocese could go bankrupt, but the Vatican could never go bankrupt.

And then, on top of that, well, no child's asshole is worth the entire Catholic Church.

I mean, it's wrong that they're molesting the kids, but

I don't think you should get a settlement of $800 trillion.

But what's fast?

What if it's a really juicy little asshole?

I mean, what's the most, what's the best child's assistant?

And then that's the day Jesus Christ walks again on this earth.

But

it's like, it's wild.

They don't even know because you can't value like the ceiling of the Sistine chapel.

Like you can't, they have, they just have vaults full of like

Sumatran gold coins.

It's like, how much is that worth?

I don't fucking know.

Like they're just, so they report their wealth as like $36 billion.

But there's people who estimate it at like a trillion dollars.

We were talking about like, should we steal those coins?

The military and their budget or whatever.

And I was thinking the other day about like, you know how Oppenheimer like quoted the bhagavad gita when they dropped the atomic bomb yeah yeah and he's like uh but i was just like i mean it's such like a deliberate thing to say i am become death destroyer of worlds that you know

leading up to the dropping of the atomic bomb oppenheimer's like in the shower like i'm gonna say that

100

yes instead of trying to stop it he's like he's like oh that's gonna be such a six thing people are gonna love this people are gonna love this and then he's they're in the room and they watch the bomb drop and like people are reacting he's like i am become death, destroyer.

Then somebody else talks and he waits till they finish.

He goes, I'm become death, destroyer, world.

That's great.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, it's a thing.

It's from the Bhagavad Gita.

It's like a thing.

It's something I just thought of.

It's a thing that this reminds me of.

This reminded me of it.

Just, did anyone write it down?

Because I think it's important that people know.

Yeah, I mean, I don't, you know, sometimes I say school stuff.

Yeah, it's not like you have to tell the press about it, but I mean, I would.

I would.

Why it's so funny to me is because it's like this juxtaposition of like one of humanity at large's lowest moments.

Yeah.

One of the worst things people have ever done to

the worst, though.

Paired with a very like quotidian type of human like patheticness

that's something that everybody's something that everybody does every single day, and they're paired in that moment.

Yeah.

Almost like splitting an atom.

If you think about it.

And I think to myself, I am become death, destroyer of life.

I like that Neil Armstrong fucked his moment up.

He did?

Yeah,

and no one bothers to pay attention to it.

He said, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Man,

if you say man without saying a man,

you mean mankind.

They did say that.

They misheard him.

Oh, they misheard him?

That's what I remember.

One small step for a man.

The quote should have been, one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.

But if you say one small step for man, that's the same as saying one small step for mankind.

Buzz Aldrin's just falling out of the lantern.

He's like, I'm become death.

Destroying me.

Do mine, do mine.

Damn, where's the pussy at?

Cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where's all these moon?

Where's the moon pussy at?

That's what I'm saying if I'm the first one.

Remember when Buzz Aldrin punched that

old man.

Yeah, he punched that guy in the face.

That rock.

That was sick.

Yeah.

Respect the buzz.

He had a punch on him for an old man.

Yeah, dude.

It was cool to see an old man.

He could probably still fuck you up.

He punched another old man, right?

I think it was a younger guy.

A younger guy?

Yeah.

I don't remember it.

A fake moon guy, though.

That's not a guy that.

You could probably fuck those guys up.

Yeah, those guys are nerds.

Buzz Aldrin, don't you have to be like in the Army and a scientist to be an astronaut?

Especially in the early astronauts, yeah.

But now they kind of combine both.

Usually, they have like a Navy test pilot becomes the pilot, and then there's highly trained scientists or scientists.

You've seen Prometheus, you know how it works.

I have.

The funny thing about space exploration is how quickly they realize, like, oh, we can get to the moon, but everything else is so fucking far away.

Like, and there's nothing,

all that's on the moon is dust and rocks.

So, like, we pretty much can pack it in.

Until someone figures out how to get to Mars Which is also dust and rocks Yeah, we're pretty much fucked because like is there any cool shit?

No that the moon the moon is so much closer to us than anything else by Orders of magnitude like to get to Mars the moon you get to the moon in two days I'm excited for the Chinese to continually try and land people on the Sun and just just kill hundreds of their astronauts

Okay, try again

Okay, next time aren't they talking about sending motherfuckers to Mars and you just die there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That shit would suck.

That's why we need the Russians.

The Russians love doing shit like that.

Oh, dude, Laika, the dog?

That fucking dog.

First of all, they picked that dog because one of the researchers saw it on the street just sitting very still.

And he said, well, that seems like a good dog to send to space.

It doesn't move very much.

To be fair, we sent the chimp, which is a much more intelligent animal.

It's a relative of ours.

It's a relative of ours and a much more cruel act than sending a dog out of space.

Dogs may be sweeter.

Yeah.

But if you really dig deep into it,

Americans are worse.

And

Leica had no windows.

No windows.

Just send him out into space.

Do you know?

Here's the thing.

The chimp didn't have any bananas.

Yeah, it's rough.

This was, I stumbled upon this information that I thought was interesting.

Bubbles.

You remember Michael Jackson's chimp?

Yeah.

Still alive.

Really?

In an animal sanctuary in Florida.

He's doing okay?

Wow.

Yeah.

The rare case of being outlived by your own bait.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, what a step down.

The one chimp that

had to go to a shittier place.

Well,

all the other chimps.

Everland Ranch was probably way safe in an animal sanctuary.

Well, and he traveled with him, too.

And these other chimps definitely don't believe him.

And he's like, bro, I wore velour track suits.

Like, I had tea with the prime minister of Japan.

That's the thing, too.

It's like chimps.

Well, you know, Evan Williams used to do that joke about the chimp Kwan or whatever.

Kwanzaa?

He used to have some bit about

that, similar to that, where it's like a chimp that

was in movies and then had to go back to the zoo.

And then, I mean, I don't even know if Evan does this anymore.

Now that I think about it, he's kind of racist.

But the other chimps are like, because, you know, the chimp's name is Kwanzaa and it went to Hollywood to be in movies or something, and then it came back, and they had to change the chimp's name to Kwan.

because like a Kwanzaa.

And the other chimps are just like, oh, you Kwan now, huh?

I got all famous and now you Kwan.

There's this.

I don't know if he does that.

Probably not because, yeah.

I think I saw him do it in an open mic like seven years ago.

So

I went down.

The thing with chimps is they turn like six, and then they're.

Well, that's why Michael Jackson got rid of him because, like, people are like, oh, you got tired of him.

And he turned him out.

Just like the rest of them, he turned six.

Yeah, it's like, no, he got rid of, they'll rip your fucking face off, man.

But mostly, they rip your heart out.

They turn seven and they break your heart with their little mustaches.

The voice starting getting all deep.

It's, you know, that's disrespectful.

We had something special.

They talk growing hair in places.

I don't like there to be hair.

I don't like there to be hair down there.

He liked to get his nipples played with.

I watched the first app.

He had babies tweak his nipples and suck his dick.

Show hole.

Pretty fucked up.

He would make the kids bend over and he would beat off to their asshole.

There's a great

deal.

I went down this Bubbles rabbit hole because I was fascinated that he was still alive.

Because I had no idea how old chimps live.

And on his Wikipedia, there's one standalone sentence.

It's not a paragraph.

It's just one sentence that just some guy put in there that just says, Bubbles did not attend Jackson's Jackson's memorial service.

It's like,

it's like, yeah, man, he's a fucking chimp.

He doesn't attend it.

Like, nobody was like, after everything Michael did for that monkey, and he's a no-show.

Now, how much is he remembering?

That's the other.

Nothing.

But chimps are small.

Oh, chimps are smart.

They have object permanence.

Yeah.

But that was...

true about the tea with the prime minister of japan do you know how big of a pop star you you have to be for the Prime Minister of Japan to invite you to a ceremonial, traditional Japanese tea ceremony?

And you'd be like, yes, I'll be bringing my monkey and him not canceling.

I mean, of course he got to fuck kids.

He got to bring his monkey to the Japanese tea ceremony.

The monkey pisses on the floor.

They make the monkey cut its pinky off.

Bubbles.

That is fucking.

Yeah.

Does he remember?

Does he wistfully think of it?

He probably remembers.

Yeah.

Like Coco the Gorilla had relationships with him.

Yeah, she remembered Robin Williams.

But it's interesting.

She got sad when he died.

Yeah, I swear.

Don't you remember that?

Yeah, that video of them telling the gorilla that Robin Williams died.

Yeah.

I've never seen it.

It's like, why?

She doesn't even know that.

It's so funny to see that monkey upset.

Coco is so nice.

Yeah.

It's a killing machine, Adam.

You can't trust it.

It's not true.

It's built to kill.

She was like, well, you know, you know the sign line.

Coco the gorilla sexually assaulted people, right?

What?

No, that was that dolphin.

No.

Coco the Gorilla, when women would go visit it, Coco would demand the signal.

Oh, so now you're me tooing Coco.

She's a lesbian.

Wait, for real?

Yeah, she would make the, she would like sign

tits?

The fucking scientists would be like, look, it's an 800-pound gorilla.

You better do what it says.

You can't do it.

Nah.

Look it up, dude.

It's 100% true.

That's pretty wild, honestly.

Every detail I've said is correct.

Look, it's on you.

Do what you want.

Go look it up.

Do what you want to do.

But I'm just saying, he's pretty big.

You make your own choice, but she'll fuck you up.

She's smart enough to know sign language, and she's deaf, so no, even if it does mean no, it doesn't matter.

She's not deaf.

Well, no sign language.

Yeah, but just so she can't talk.

She doesn't have vocal quality.

For a while, I was trying to do some gay-ass joke about how, like,

why are we only teaching the deaf girls how to talk?

How about that, huh?

That's really good.

Who's a gorilla?

That was the weed era.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Is a gorilla smarter than a chimp?

I don't know.

That shit would be front page of Reddit, though.

If a gorilla is smarter than a chimp, that would be on the front page of Reddit.

No, no, no, no.

Why they only teach gorillas, the deaf ones.

Oh, yeah, you could put that on a stand-up shots thing.

Yeah, that would be...

That would be fun.

No,

Philociraptor.

Remember remember those old memes?

Yeah where it's like the raptor and scumbag Steve and all that kind of shit?

Sure, I have no idea what you're talking about, but yeah.

You remember that shit.

I just got into memes.

I'm making memes now.

I just started.

I had a good one the other day.

It's late.

I'm late in the game.

But there was CNN had an article of

Prince William and he was pointing at his head, you know?

And he said, Prince William...

opens up about the loss of his mother and I crossed out mother and wrote hair.

You know, I said,

this is meme gold, baby.

This is meme gold.

I'm a meme guy now, you know?

You should work for fuck Jerry, dude.

Yeah, I've tried to.

I called him.

I said, let me type this shit on him.

And Prince William, his kid comes out black, and he's like, what the fuck?

Whose kid is this?

And then he gets mad at his wife.

No, you're thinking of Prince Hill.

Oh, you're a head.

That's hair.

I'm not going to learn them.

Don't ask me.

I've got a red head that's married to a half-black woman.

Look, we didn't fight the Revolutionary War for me to learn which princes are the bald one and which ones are

the miscegenating prince.

I don't have time to understand these distinctions.

Does that word have a negative connotation?

I think so, yeah.

Kind of.

Kind of.

Let me think about it.

Yes.

Kind of funnier if it were Prince William.

Yeah.

I have to admit.

You know what I mean?

That's kind of a crazier situation where you're just like, how do you even get in here?

There's all sorts of secret service.

If you're Megan Merkel, you can go fuck a black guy and cheat on your husband and give birth to the black guy's kid.

And then when the white guy's like, I don't know, he looks a little dark, you could just be like, excuse me.

It's the perfect crime, really, if you think about it.

And yeah.

And we would get a black king of England.

Yeah, that should be it.

I thought it was really cool.

How about the kings of England?

And it's D.L.

Hughley

and Cedric the Entertainer and Steve Harvey.

That's Cedric the Entertainer.

Yeah.

And it's just

as a carryover

King Ralph.

King Ralph.

Who was King Ralph?

John Goodman.

Yeah, John Goodman, just as a grandfather.

No, it wasn't John Candy?

No, no, it was John Goodman.

That's right.

I've seen that.

That's a movie I have seen.

Missed casting.

Should have been John Candy.

I think he was dead.

How does John Candy?

I don't think he was dead at that point.

From Candy.

From Fat.

Fat Fat.

That's a sound.

No, drugs.

That's a sensitive subject around these parts.

Isn't it drugs as well?

I know.

Farley.

Farley.

I think he did some kind of drug.

Oh, Farley did drugs for sure.

My man did drugs.

John Pinette is a guy.

You know who else

did drugs hard,

which a lot of people do not know about?

Is the other big guy,

John Pignette?

Oh, yeah.

Really?

Big fucking Coke guy.

Yeah, which a lot of people think because his comedy was fully cleaned up.

It's a myth that cocaine is bad for you.

Yeah.

It's a myth.

Yeah, it's true.

That is true.

I agree with you.

That's why you should keep doing it, man.

I stopped, actually.

Do you guys do cocaine?

Yeah.

I used to joke around about it.

I'm really like the only one who's like, you know, you don't have like a Coke problem until you're like, I don't have a Coke problem.

And then I became a guy that's like, I don't have a Coke.

I only do cocaine.

And then I think about it.

And it's like, yeah, I guess.

I mean, I don't.

I don't.

You don't.

You do it every two months or two.

Every two months.

months, but as soon as you start denying it, it's not a cocaine problem.

It's not.

You're right.

But as soon as you say you don't, then you're somebody that does.

No one ever believes a guy that's like, no,

I don't do too much cocaine.

If you're in the position where you have to say that, then it's people think you do, and then you're fucked.

My Coke problem was so sad because it was not even like, I don't even have fun stories to tell people.

Did you get sad?

Well,

my favorite thing to do was I would buy as much cocaine as I had money for.

I would buy like two 30 packs of beer, and I would just lock myself in my room and play online Scrabble for like six days in a row.

Just on you.

Just dripping huge lights.

Not even that kind of a simulator.

Fucking dudes up at Scrabble and just being like, yeah, fuck you.

Fuck you.

A game you can easily achieve.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Literally no reason to check.

It's just a pathetic, like other guys in meetings are like talking about, like, I was out, I was fucking four chicks, and I said, this is just too much.

And I was like, I was, my rating was up real high on Scrabble, but I was like, is it worth it?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn, dude.

Congratulations.

We should go to the show, boys.

Well, you should come to our live shows in Canada if you're listening.

Toronto, June 15th, Montreal, June 19th, Ottawa, June 21st, Edmonton, the 25th.

Vancouver is currently sold out.

We're trying to add another show to that.

But yeah, come out to all those freaking shows.

And listen to the fucking Rad Dudecast, right, brother?

Yeah, listen to the Rad Dudecast.

Do you have a new plug cast?

When does this come out?

Wednesday.

Oh, this Wednesday.

Okay, I'll be at a brand new comedy club.

It's supposed to be pretty fucking cool, actually.

It's in Cape Girardeau, Missouri.

I'll be there the 24th.

Cape Girardo?

Cape Girardeau.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Laughing gas.

The 24th through the 26th.

Boomhauer, name that town.

Yeah.

So come on to Cape Girardo.

Pretty cool place, man.

Motherfucking Cape Girardo.

Air Bud E-Y-R-E-B-U-D on Twitter and Instagram.

Listen to Rad Dudecast.

That's it.

Subscribe to that shit.

Thanks for having me, guys.

Thanks again, as always.

Always happy to have you.

Goodbye, folks.