Ep. 155 – The Don Simpsons

Suck your fucking dick.

It's Katy Perry, the lion song, but uh

I am a lion and you're gonna make me come

my little fucking dick.

Well, I didn't want to do this.

Um I didn't want to

address the real ass podcast.

Didn't I go on the real ass podcast?

I don't give a shit.

I don't.

Tom is inherently funny.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What about the show that Lewis pitched with me, you, and Lewis called Bastard Radio?

We've made fun of that.

Let's make all of them to Sirius X Sound.

Yeah, it is Bastard Radio.

Have you lost all interest?

Right.

Yeah, I mean, like, and first of all, Lewis making fun of a guy like Tom is just,

you know, it's so funny.

If Lewis was white, people would assume he had the same mental deficiencies that Tom had.

That's right, yes.

They give him a break because he's Puerto Rican.

They're like, oh,

he's affable.

He's a little more with it than Tom.

Yeah.

I'll tell you.

Obviously, there's nothing.

Tom is.

Tom's a character.

Yes, we've got Tim Dylan here.

Tim's here.

And the way it worked out is we happened to get him right after.

We wanted to get him on because he's in Boston this weekend.

So plug those.

Oh, yeah, laugh Boston Friday and Saturday.

Come on out to that.

If you're in Boston, go see Tom.

If you're white, don't be stupid.

I'm not responsible for anything that happens if you come out with your

Ocasio-Cortez shirt.

No way.

And so I'm kidding.

Boston's very liberal.

Yes.

And it's going to be a lot of fun.

The show.

Go see Tim.

But the way it worked out time-wise, we caught him fresh off a real-ass podcast appearance with the one, the only Tom Mumble.

Well, he came over, and I didn't want want to.

Fuck.

I didn't really want to discuss the Tom shit, but,

you know, I mean, if there's just too much to talk about.

And I've been dragging my feet hosting this show lately.

I apologize for that.

I've been suffering from a little bit of acid reflux.

I didn't want to go public with it.

Yeah.

You're brave, though.

I know.

We're going to fight this thing.

This way, little kids that have acid reflux, they hear you say the N-word and they're like, I can do do that one.

My uncle just got cancer, esophagal cancer.

Oh, shit.

And it's, there's just no chance.

So, like, he's, they're like, oh,

yeah.

What are the symptoms of the acid reflux and also esophageal cancer?

The symptoms of esophagal cancer, I guess, are like thinking you have the flu for six months and ignoring the tennis ball-sized lymph nodes on the side of your head.

Yeah,

that might be a little

something.

Yeah,

constantly.

Having like 12 beers.

Right.

Yeah, having like 35 beers to

clear your stomach pain.

But no, he just said, I guess, like, I'm like genetically predisposed to a little bit of acid reflow.

It's just, you know, it just feels like a cold burning sensation in my chest.

Interesting.

It goes up to, you know, like my throat.

And it's like there's a hard lump in there.

And then when it gets worse, sometimes they'll like burp and you can feel like the...

just stomach acid like splash up into the back of your throat.

Well, I've had that.

You ever wake up in the middle of the night and you feel like you're throwing up?

But it's, I think everything I say, stop goes yes two three words in you know that gaps I know exactly

but it's like you you wake up and you got this and something's in your throat it's like you cough up this stomach acid or whatever it is and then you just swallow it well here's what it is yeah you filled your we have filled our stomachs so to the brim really that there is shit coming it's literally a space issue I believe wow where it's like there's fucking cheeseburger debris all the way up into your throat

do you know what I mean yeah that's really what it is when you're this fat and you don't usually get heartburn and shit yeah I know it's because you've overstuffed yourself to the point that there is no way

I don't know

scientifically it's correct now here's why I know because if I take a real fat shit yeah before I fall asleep not a problem yeah sometimes I know when I go to sleep and I haven't shit

I know there's a huge problem

coming out of your mouth if you really know because then sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm just like something's wrong and I don't know what it is sweating I'm sweating

Yeah, and I don't know if I should go to a hospital.

Yeah.

And then you shit, and you're like, oh, okay.

Yeah, and then you shit, and then you're okay.

I've never had to wake up to shit ever.

Are you kidding?

Never once in my life.

Oh, I have woke.

There was a period of my life where it's an emergency.

Every piss.

Piss every night.

Yeah, six times a night.

No, there was a period of my life which, you know, comes in and out where I wouldn't even have to set an alarm.

I would just wake up shitting and needing to shit in a cold sweat.

The first thing I remember is my asshole clinching.

I'm waking up from the power of my asshole clinching.

Yeah.

The turd that's trying to escape.

And then I remember.

Then if you go to sit down to shit and you can't shit, you go, I have a whole

world of hell.

That's right.

You have to give birth to a turd.

And then

there's something weird about it being like 2 a.m.

Yes, dude.

And it not being sick.

Like, if you sit down at 6.30 on the toilet, you're like, all right, other people are awake.

I feel like I'm not contributing, but I have no understanding of what you're talking about.

It's like you're describing something outside of the visible spectrum of light.

Yes, exactly.

You're both effusively talking about a color.

It's a feeling that you can.

Yeah, it's an emotion you'll never know.

Is there a German word for this type of shit?

People know it.

People have felt it.

Scheistigestalt.

There's fear.

It's only something that, you know, it's a turd.

It's an uneasiness.

There's fear, but there's also a strange satisfaction and relief.

Yes.

It is part of

the purging cycle.

This is our specific kind of eating disorder.

Have you ever seen a spider purge from our mouths?

It comes out of our asses.

Have you ever seen a spider molt and it just sheds its skin and it becomes another spider?

That's kind of what Stop Ross and me do.

I feel like

after that shit comes out of our ass.

Yeah, you shit out a person.

Have you ever weighed yourself before?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Have you ever weighed yourself before a shit?

And then after a shit?

Have you ever weighed yourself before a shit?

I've never weighed myself before or after a shit or any time.

I've never gotten on a scale and was like, well, what is it?

What's the number today?

I don't need to know.

Yeah, I don't really want to know.

I go by

how the clothes fit and how the airplane suit feels.

Yeah, right.

If I need to ask for the extender.

If the people in the row complain to the flight attendant in front of me.

How heavy the sigh is when they see me walking to that middle seat.

That's how I know.

I mean, people literally now will do like, they take a deep breath and they go, oh, like they're preparing themselves for war, like it's Game of Thrones.

My son, when I sit down.

She sat next to a guy that got two seats just out of respect for everyone else on the train.

Honestly, I want to live that lifestyle.

Yeah, just be that's a baller.

I want to get a row.

Yeah, you're in a row.

That'd be amazing.

It's just there's like a couple in a row, and that guy comes by and he's bought both tickets, but he waited for a seat assignment.

And he's like, excuse me, so can you move so I can be fat?

Would you mind moving so I can be

irresponsibly

here with myself?

I'm traveling with my hundreds of pounds of excess burning.

I actually own this part of the plane, so if you could move that seat is for my thigh and nuts, yes.

If you could move, my thigh and left nut are sitting there, actually.

Yeah,

but everyone's gotten so fat now that I'm

everyone.

A lot of them, Nick.

A lot of them are fat.

And on a beach, I don't feel bad on a beach anymore.

No.

Unless it's like Miami.

I've never felt bad.

But a fun movement is to be like a fat wigger and you get on a plane and you find like the only person that's fatter than you'd be like, damn, man.

Peep out big this bitch is.

This motherfucker big as shit.

Damn, you fat as hell, son.

Just roasting him the whole time.

You get to sit right there.

Just shitting on him.

You're all so fat.

Bing, bing.

People keep calling the flavor.

Sir, please be quiet.

No, I'm just saying he's fat.

My man, fat as shit.

Sir, please, your cookie monster fitted the bills backwards and hitting the person.

Yeah, I went to Kmart and I got starred up, man.

I starred up my looks.

This reminds me of a kid that I grew up with named Chico.

White kid named Chico.

He's dead now.

And, you know, but

did he pick that name or what?

I don't know.

That's the thing.

If his parents gave it to him, it was kind of like basically writing his ticket.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, like they're like, well, this is, he's probably going to sell Coke and then die at 24.

Correct.

But I think he might have picked it.

I don't know.

Nice guy, but you know, that's exactly how he sounded.

He would just rip on people.

He was in summer school every year, which you looked forward to.

He would come up to you at the under school.

He'd be like, yo, bro, you going?

I'm like, yeah, I'm probably going.

He's like, I'll see you there.

Such a horrible home.

And then he would just shit.

Oh, yeah, it was bad.

He's like summer school.

And then he's like, yeah,

go to summer school.

He liked it, dude.

It was like his, yeah, he loved it.

He's dead.

He was getting molested.

I mean, summer school is a better system.

It's so much fun.

It's three weeks, and then you've accomplished a year of what they got you in that class.

My summer school teacher, Miss Ruisi, brought her baby in to teach us that because I went to Catholic high school, but the school I would have gone to, my public school, was like a hood school.

It was like, you know, so Miss Ruisi was like an Italian woman, and she had a mixed-race baby, which is lovely, which I think is great.

Speaking of which, I just watched Green Book the other night.

How was it?

Did you enjoy it?

No, I turned it off.

Yeah, I've never seen it.

I don't understand how things like that are just like glowing reviews across the board.

Well, people are insane.

They're insane.

I think people were saying that it was bad.

Like, cool people were saying it's bad.

Oh, good.

As long as the cool guys are unpinched for it.

Cool people.

No, it's just scene after scene where it's like somebody's racist with the black guy, but the Italian guy isn't.

Like the movie reviewer from

talking to this black guy.

Yeah, they're like,

listen, I don't mean to bother you, but he's not allowed to eat in here.

You know,

what's the matter?

Why can't you just make a rule for him?

Like, sorry, we got to leave.

And then the next scene is like, he's not allowed to try on the clothes.

And they're like, geez, what the heck is what's going on with these friends?

So it's about the Italian learning.

And then the next scene is like, he's not allowed to eat dinner here.

And they're like, what the hell is the matter with that?

Like, they pulled a dinner one like twice.

That's hilarious.

It's like, there's only so many ways people in the South can be racist.

Yeah.

You know, and I'm sure, you know, it's a true story about the guy that played fucking Carmine on the Sopranos.

Wait a minute.

What?

Green Book is the

biographical picture.

The guy who played Carmine on the Sopranos, that was his actual life.

What?

Well, he was just defending black people?

No,

he was a driver.

He was a driver and a bodyguard for, I don't don't know, some fucking

mooly fuck him, some yeah, some Fanouk Mooley.

They got

no, but his son wrote the screenplay and with one of the Farrelly brothers, yeah.

And so, but because of this, like well, you can tell because if he go Mornson gets his nuts stuck in his zipper or whatever.

Yeah, he has a thumb hanging down from his ear in the whole movie.

Yeah, but I mean, because the son wrote it, it just comes off like you know, any Italian I've ever met being like, my dad was one of the best guys in the nation.

My dad was the first guy to not be racist.

He actually was Italians that came up with that and was my pops that did it.

But he was also in the mafia.

That's the entire movie.

Well, that guy, the guy, the son who wrote the screenplay, also they found a tweet of his from 2015 where he was like, Mr.

Trump, I was there in New Jersey.

I saw the Muslims celebrating after the towers were falling down.

Well, that's Green Book 2.

That's the second film is about his father defending Muslims in Jersey.

If it was an actual

agree with what they knew, but they got the First Amendment right to celebrate when they're not

a true story about Italians in the 60s would be called, I ain't reading that fucking book.

Yeah.

It'll be called Stay With Your Own.

It's the real Green Book.

They're a progressive people.

Yeah, exactly.

There's no way the fuck, anyway.

But also, the jazz, the pianist, or whoever the fuck the black guy is based on, his family was like, do not make this movie.

His family were like, we hate this movie.

The book,

it's all bullshit.

It's not adapted from a book.

Oh, whatever.

Like, I guess, whatever story they're telling, I just saw them being like, no, this is absolutely.

This didn't happen.

And it won Best Picture, right?

Yeah.

What was it up against?

Black Turtle.

Black Panther.

Oh, it was up against Black Panther.

Well, they gave Black Panther a nomination.

Gotcha.

For some reason.

There should be a crossover, and they should have a guy in Black Panther's.

Like, geez,

what the fuck's the problem with Wakanda?

Why the fuck is I think is, you know, I mean, it's not as good as Italy.

It's not as good as

Italy, which I've been

to.

South Bronx.

I've been in the same neighborhood my whole life.

I love saying words.

The best thing is hearing like a cop or a white guy try not to be racist.

Because I did Uncle Eddie, who was a cop for like 30 years in the South Bronx.

All of those guys are Mark Verman on this game.

Yeah, they're all, and they're all just, he goes, like, one time he sees, like, listen, they got families like us, you know?

Like, they'll just say the most obvious things.

They'll be like, they got families like us, those people.

You know,

they have kids.

They have babies that come out of their pussy, their vagina, and they have a bed and that baby comes out.

Like, just like we do.

It's like, oh, okay, Uncle Eddie.

I saw one time, I swear to God, I saw one drinking water.

Yeah.

they drink water like we do.

They just want their kids to have water, and you know, so that's what we're out there just helping,

trying to help them.

Yeah, my that's what one time my dad.

This is not about black people, it's about gay people.

When

he was like, he was like, Finally, he was fine.

This was his idea of being progressive after years of browbeating him into being like, don't be homophobic.

He would drive around and throw disco balls on their lawn.

Yeah, I was just about to say,

fuck it.

I got present for you.

He'd be like, why don't we have money for the mortgage you spoke?

Hundreds of dollars on disco balls.

For hate crime.

For hate crime.

He was like, okay, fine.

They can get married.

But do they have to have kids?

That was his.

Right, well, they can't technically.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, don't.

That was my dad's middle ground.

It was like, let them get married.

Don't let them.

But don't let them adopt children.

Oh, okay.

That's him, too.

I don't know.

I mean, it's like they should be able to adopt kids, but I don't think that's like wildly in the mind of a bigot.

I mean, if you think that there's something wrong with being gay and you're willing, you think it's like a pervasive mental disorder.

Right.

Which it is.

I think we can all agree.

Well, you think that, and you're like, look, but you know what?

It's fucking none of my business.

Let these people do what they want.

You should be like, they should be able to adopt kids and have sex with them.

That's like, yeah.

Now you should progress.

You should go back to your father and be like, we need to have another talk.

You old Greek bastard.

Yeah.

They should.

You can push up.

They should

have kids and make out with those kids.

In his mind, he thinks that's happening.

They're like, you have to suck dick, preferably mom.

Yeah, right.

And he's like, he's like,

yeah, well, and then he's like, all he's saying is he's like, and I just think that's a little too far.

You think it's a little too far?

I just think that's too far.

I understand that I've been wrong in the past.

You should see how far you can hear it out.

See how far over the line you you could drag.

I'm like, maybe he'll be like, can't they just jerk off to pictures of kids?

Maybe that should be legal.

Can't they just look at children having sex with other children?

No penetrative sex.

Yeah.

They can get sucked off by their sons, but that's it.

But that's it.

Stop.

Stop it.

Stop.

This hit.

Yeah.

I do love that shit.

Yeah, I mean, you know,

it's rough out there for the gays.

It's

for the homosexuals.

Very hard

every day.

Well, that rat from Arthur, the gay ass teacher, he's immortally gay now.

Well, that helps.

It helps when they're big.

I remember you called me, you were crying.

I was crying.

I thought the storyline.

Because I had jerked off to that rat for years,

but the idea that he would never reciprocate because I love BC Out.

I'm really not even gay.

I just like fucking out.

It should have been that Binky turned into you.

Right.

Binky turned to dog.

No, I like seeing animals come out of the closet because it brings us one step closer to where it's okay to fuck animals.

That's really where this all goes.

And thank Christ.

Thank God.

I agree with you.

Yeah.

That little gay-ass rodent with a mustache.

No, Ellen Wilmot was a good one.

I had no idea that Arthur.

The first crush was Nyla from the Lion King.

Nala.

Nyla.

Nyla.

I think a lot of people had that crush.

Yeah, well, that's.

Nyla was the trans lion.

We're hanging out with Scar.

Yeah, it's one of the hyenas that would lipstick on.

Right.

That ain't your rock.

You ain't get to sit on that rock all day.

Fuck you.

I'm going to get mine.

I'm going to stand wherever the fuck I want.

It's an aggressive transsexual.

Okay, Nyla.

Back to my chambers, please.

What's the song?

Be prepared.

Yeah.

Take prep.

Is that what that song is about?

You just take a little pill, and then you don't need to use protection.

Be prepared.

Right?

I don't remember Be Prepared.

That was the big song.

People love this PrEP.

They love that song.

Be prepared.

Do they?

People take it a lot, you know.

Wasn't there something in the news where somebody

said there were like five cases of people contracting HIV that were on prep.

Yeah, I mean, PrEP is probably just a placebo that they're just giving to sex-crazed gay guys who have no idea what it is.

They're like, oh, it has an M, like an MM.

It's like, it's $300 a month and you're not going to get AIDS.

You're like, well, can someone shit blood in my mouth?

They're like, yes.

Sure.

Yeah, you can use intravenously now.

You can share needles.

Yeah, the clinical trials for that was they gave it to a bunch of chimps, and then the professors had sex with it.

Right.

And then six months later, they're like, well, I don't have AIDS.

I guess it works.

Prep.

I love the name of it, too.

It's like prepare.

Prep.

Just prep.

Just prep.

Like you're about to take the SAT.

Yeah, that's right.

Just prep.

Instead of sharing needles.

It's like you sit down with your son.

You're like, now you hand him a pill.

You're like, now success is when preparation meets opportunity.

So now you go prep.

Take this pill, douche out your asshole.

You never know when you're going to get married.

But at least make their kids take prep before they they're off.

And just in case.

Just at least get the kids.

So the kids don't get it.

So the kids don't get it.

I mean, if you're going to come in someone's mouth, especially a kid who might have cuts or sores in there, just throw that kid on.

This is true.

There's no mommy.

So the baby drinks the daddy cum.

That's how a baby is raised.

And that's fine.

They do whatever they want.

But what if the cum has AIDS in it?

You're like, but dad, breast milk can also have AIDS in in it he's like I once again I am wrong

let's just let the baby shuts the door he's like oh

I can't participate in the world let the babies dream

2019 let gay people baby fuck mouth

let them baby fuck a baby in the mouth I don't care but that is like sometimes you'll talk to people they don't even know what's being debated like about the abortion thing you know like older people will be like listen They're taking babies out of the womb.

They're picking out which ones should get killed.

And then they're killing them.

You know, and you're like, is that what's happening?

That's mother-white genocide.

Alabama just said no abortions.

Well, I think the future is

the Supreme Court decisions won't matter.

It's going to be red states where you go to jail and are executed for conceiving outside a wedlock.

Right.

And then blue states where you're allowed to murder your children.

Where you're putting her on genocide.

You don't hook up with a trans person.

Right.

If you were to use

this.

Impregnate a trans person, and then up until the child is five years old, it's your responsibility to kill them if they say anything unwoke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's that's reproductive rights 20.

What a fun country.

Uh-huh.

There's probably going to be.

I think there's going to be a Supreme Court challenge, though, for the Alabama thing.

Sure.

But then they could overturn Roe v.

Wade because they have like a majority right now.

Well, look, once again, I hate to say I told you so, but this is your fault if you voted for Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, so true.

Uh-huh.

Because you should have known that Donald Trump would beat her.

Yeah.

You shouldn't have voted for Bernie Sanders.

That makes sense.

I mean, the reality is.

If we had all just written in Bernie Sanders.

Jill Stein had won.

Yeah.

And she was close.

We would have a quartz crystal on the Supreme Court right now.

Jill Stein had won.

He's going to win in 2020, and literally nothing will stop that from happening.

Yeah, no, he's going to win.

Well, there's like every day there's a new, someone I've never heard of that's like a Democratic candidate.

There's like 25 now.

Yeah.

It's fucking hilarious, dude.

Everyone's going to get one vote from themselves.

Yeah, yeah.

It'll be fun.

It'll just be a nice, fun election.

Yeah, it's such a weird collection of folks.

People they're like, well, I'm not going to say I'm an outright communist, but I do think the trans surgery should be free, but only if you have schizophrenia.

And it's like, what?

What is this?

And then the FPD are like that Tulsi Gabbard who just went on Rogan.

She's like, listen.

We got to unwind the military industrial complex, and that's what I'll do on day one.

Day one.

As soon as I get in there, I'm going to bring all those generals in the office.

I'm going to tell them the fun is over, boys.

It's over, boys.

And I'm going to send them all home, and then we'll see what happens.

It's like, okay, well, good.

Good luck with that.

Wait, isn't she isn't she like wasn't she what's she was in a cult?

She was in a cult.

Her family were in like a Buddhist like cult.

Or no, sorry, a Hindu cult.

Doesn't she have something to do?

Isn't she like either strongly pro or anti-her family were anti-gay.

They were anti-gay.

It was an anti-gay cult, but it was a pro-what cult?

What were they pro?

They were, I think, maybe pro-killing Muslims.

They loved Israel.

They loved Israel and hated gays.

It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times.

We love Israel, but we do not like gays.

She's a big fan of Modi in India, who's like a brutal

Hindu nationalist.

He's like a chill wave DJ.

I thought you meant Modi the Canadian.

I was like, oh, okay.

Yeah.

That sounds like a Jewish name.

I thought she was going to be a good non-segue because she was going to be a good person.

She had some natural blues.

Yeah.

I don't know any Moby songs.

Oh, okay.

I think Rogan should interview every Canada.

Yes, absolutely.

Every Canada should go on there.

Natural Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren just doing DMT.

Elizabeth Warren doing salvage.

Just getting high.

But Chulse Gabbard knows how to surf, though.

That's pretty good.

And she was in the troops.

Nothing wrong with that.

She was one of the troops.

What did she do with the troops?

She sucked it.

Yeah, she just kicked a few Afghan babies in the face.

She was kind of a slam pig.

She pissed on a few Afghan people.

Great.

Good for her, man.

Did Pete Buttigedge kill any people?

I don't know.

He released a real goofy.

This is why we're losing wars because we have Pete Buttigieg and Tulsi Gap.

Like, those are the people on the front lines.

Yeah.

Just gay guys and cult members trying to win a war against warlords.

Well, he's even more more sinister than that.

He's like a fucking like doing all the internships for

the guy.

We lose him because they're not like wars.

They're just incomplete genocides.

Right.

The only way to win.

We never finish anything.

We never finish the job.

What did he do?

What kind of, what, what?

He was in the Navy, but it was just like to check off another thing, of course.

The Navy is literally just a consicle

of boys on a boat.

Like, no one who goes into the Navy doesn't think about fucking a dude.

You have to think about it.

I watched, because I was fantasizing about having

sex with the men in the Navy.

In the Navy.

And then I was like, yeah, it would be weird a guy thinking about that stuff in bed by myself in the dark.

Yeah.

Just saying that out loud.

Yeah,

it'd be crazy if someone thought about that.

That's such a good bit that my mind just did on me.

That's hilarious.

I got to text everybody the thing I thought about when somebody else

came up with that.

But

no,

like how what I would want to see is like a highly fictionalized biographical film about Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson.

And the last night I watched an interview with both of them on Charlie Rose from 95

discussing Crimson Tide.

Yeah.

And Don Simpson is just gone.

Just coked out of his face.

He was like the biggest cokehead in Hollywood or something?

And he is very characteristic.

Is he still alive?

But he's just, I mean, he looks like a Dick Tracy villain sitting there, and he keeps, you know, rubbing his nose.

And he's like, you know, I'll tell you, the Bad Boys is why we go to the movies, and Crimson Tide is why we make movies.

And that's the thing that I, you know, and it's just all this like used car salesman, like huckster bullshit.

He's probably grossed like $5 billion at the bottom.

He's made so much money.

Like,

he would spend $60,000 a day on drugs.

Wait, what?

You can't put that much up here.

He did.

He has.

He probably shared it.

His autopsy has the record for most substances in a human body at the time of death.

That's amazing.

He was on 22 different drugs at the time of his death.

That rough dick pills for sure.

Everything.

I don't think Dick Pills had come out yet.

It was 96.

Nah, he had

a guy like that.

He was like,

drop.

He was ahead of where we were.

Like, the military is 20 years ahead with technology.

Kind of like that's 20 years ahead.

Don't send me Allison in 1972.

You watch a clip of Crimson Tide, and it's just the interaction between Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington.

And the clip ends, and Charlie Rose is already looking at Don, who's like fidgeting in his seat, and he's like all pumped about it.

He's like, well, what are you doing?

You've already seen this.

And he's like, I just love it.

I love watching people.

I love global masters of their craft.

Oh, great.

Really?

Have you seen the new master a seat class where like Judd Apata teaches comedy?

No.

Oh, you have to do it.

And you pay for YouTube.

And it's an insane.

Yeah.

And it's just like people.

How to make electronic music.

Yeah, it's like people, it's like Martin Scorsese is going to teach you movies if you just pay.

It's cost you $400, you'll watch.

That would have been great.

A Don Simpson masterclass.

Coke to his face, you know?

That would have been the one.

That would have been the one to pay for.

Oh, my God.

The people.

Talk about the pedophilia he did, probably.

Well, he didn't even know.

I don't think Don Simpson was a pedophile.

No, don't take all of our heroes.

Yeah.

Don't take everybody.

At least somebody.

He was probably so shriveled from the fucking.

I think he was a guy that bought prostitutes and had them piss on him and call him a faggot.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I think you're right.

He's like,

he's like, that's he's attracted to women, but he wants them to degrade him.

And not even because he was into it, he's just like, what's next?

Yeah.

Let's make a move.

Let's make a picture.

I heard that Weinstein, like, what his move was just asking to eat puss.

Yeah.

Because, like, apparently

his dick was like so broken.

That's stop.

He would just get young activists to go to his hotel and eat their pussies.

And my dick is working.

That's the nicest way way to rape somebody.

He's barging into Rosario Dawson's hotel room.

And he's like, what?

I'm cute.

I'm charming.

Let me eat your eyes.

Eating her pussy.

And then we have to be like, look.

All the signs were there.

We knew what he was doing, but we didn't know.

It's the strangest way to get raised.

Everyone knew exactly what he was doing, but we didn't care to do anything.

Right.

Maybe that's what they were saying.

They were like, yeah, well, he's only eating puss, so you can't blow the whistle.

These women are coming.

They're coming during their raid.

How selfish could they be?

Yeah, maybe that's why the women didn't report it.

They're like, I was coming.

I was actually having an orgasm.

Yeah, actually, ma'am, we have a video of you coming.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's why he probably ate pussy with a GoPro on.

Yeah.

So he has all the tapes.

What'll happen?

Like a police body castle.

Yeah, like a police.

Let's see the Harvey Weinstein GoPro footage.

They're not

a a grape or not.

Juziri has the body capitalist.

I'll tell you what, guys, if Harvey Weinstein wanted his dick to work, he should probably take blue chill.

That's right, sure.

What the hell is that?

What did you just say?

Blue chew.

What the freaking hell is that?

Is that a chewable?

Because I love chewable.

It's a chewable.

It's a chewable.

It's like a Flintstones vitamin.

Thank God.

But it's for grown-ups, okay?

This isn't a little Barney Rubble pill.

What we got here is a pill to make your dick work

while you find the copy for the ad.

Which, by the way.

But do I have to go to a doctor or something?

I don't have to do that.

Oh, okay.

The doctor sucks.

The doctor

is at home looking at his own penis.

All you do is take a picture of your soft cock and you send it to the doctor on Blue Chew.

You go to Blue Chew.com and upload a picture of your penis.

You mail a picture of your penis soft to support at bluechew.com.

And then you beat off with your soft dick at least 35%.

You have to come soft.

You make a video.

Prove that you're coming soft.

I want to go soft.

You email support at bluechew.com a picture of your soft penis.

And then they'll respond with a reference number.

You then send them the pornography that you've been looking at and nudes of your girlfriend.

Yeah.

Back to support at bluechew.com.

And then you go on the website, sign up, and you will fill out one simple form.

You put in the reference number in there, and they line up your medical charts with the pictures of your penis and your girlfriend's pussy.

It sounds easy.

It sounds easy.

easy.

They check if your girlfriend's pussy's fucked up.

Yeah, because that might be perfect.

There's a lot of the eyes.

I'm trying 85% of the time.

Oh,

I tried it, and I sent it in, and I was like, Yeah, I know what you're going to say.

My girlfriend's pussy is disgusting.

But they said, Actually, sir, you're gay.

This is a really good pussy.

It turns out you're gay.

This is

top shop.

We looked at your dick and measured it, and you're gay.

And that's they said that to me.

And this is never want to make money.

They never want to sell the pills.

That's how you know.

No, that's how you know.

It's a good company.

That's how you know

they'll tell you the truth.

And then now you know they're prescribing the right dosage.

That's exactly the case.

And with that, I got my prescription

for Tadalafil or whatever the fuck.

It's generic sialis or Viagra.

Viagra, obviously, if your dick is too small, and sialis if you're actually gay.

Those are the two options.

The two options.

And And it comes in a chewable form, so it can work faster than pills.

And you can give it to children.

You can give it to children.

Absolutely.

If you're a gay cup, because

your son's dick won't get hard.

I'm just saying,

make the baby take a pill so it becomes gay.

Make the baby.

He's embarrassed.

He's embarrassed.

His dick doesn't work.

Give him the Blue Chew pill so he can fuck his parents.

Glitcher is 100% certified to work on your baby.

So you can make his penis bigger when he's a baby.

So when he grows up, he has a nice big juicy penis.

The online physician

with your kids.

The consultation is free, so it's cheaper than Viagra and Seattle's because it does.

You have to pay to go to the doctor at first.

It only takes a few minutes to connect with a Blue Chew.com affiliated physician.

You just got to fill out a chart, get to know them.

You guys smell each other, send pictures back and forth.

And they're not a real doctor.

which is a good idea.

They're not a real doctor.

That's even better.

It's another gay man.

Yeah.

It's another man who can't get hard.

It's another guy.

It's another guy who comes soft.

And these interactions are filmed by Blue Chew, who sells the video of you guys having sex

to make money, and that's how they can afford to give you these pills at low prices.

That's right.

It's subsidized by the

clandestine gay pornography.

You're going to film child pornography of your gay couple's children taking the pills and blowing them.

And that's how they can afford to bring you these rock bottom prices.

Rock bottom prices.

Blue chew gives you confidence in bed every time.

You and your partner will love it.

Tired of reminding yourself that you're gay while you try and have sex with your girl?

Open up.

Let her know.

Who cares?

Because you've got Blue Chew on your side to help you accept yourself.

It'll take care of getting your dick hard so your mind can tear itself apart thinking about it.

Will they ship it in discrete packaging or will they let everyone know that I'm

a small dick and a mom's dick?

You can choose, actually.

You can choose either discrete packaging.

Discrete packaging.

So when your mom brings your mail to you in your bedroom at her house,

she'll be like, oh, it's just your custom medicine

and your books that come in a fleshlight-sized box

from RX Books company

dot reel.

You don't mean that passive, aggressive, unsupportive bitch.

Yeah.

Who doesn't realize that it's her fault that you can't get hard

in a way?

Because her trash pussy jumps passed on to you in the form of a soft little cocktail.

Right.

Your lack of respect for women comes directly from her.

She was in labor for four minutes.

Right.

And so your first experience was with a very loose woman.

Very loose, disgusting housekeeping.

She couldn't wait for you to

be ejected from her body

and never showed you warmth ever again.

Sounds like a good product.

And that's what Blue Chew.com and they're prescribed and made in the USA.

Well, Mason America, folks.

All Mason.

95% of our audience is military first responders, and they hate buying shit made by chinks.

And that's why Blue Chew.com is 100% certified,

not chink-made.

And the copy.

Sorry, guys, it's in the copy.

It's in the Hankin's thing.

I didn't read it.

They're paying us.

They told us explicitly, let the vets know their chinks are hands-off on this one.

Nobody.

And we got some

free camo baseball caps that say Viagra on them.

Look, my dick was blown off in a rack.

And I still take Blue Chew so that the nerves that are still there remember why I made that sacrifice.

That's right.

And it's so that I can drive a truck made by guys like me.

Absolutely.

I think.

Drive a truck, take a dick pill.

Take a dick dick.

If my comedy central show gets picked up, this is the clip I will send to them to try to get Nick the head writer's job.

I won't say anything.

Right after it finishes, I'll go, you see?

You see?

Yeah, so

you can just imagine hard-working union-type guys in a factory.

They're sweaty, steaming, pressing these pills into existence while Bruce Springsteen plays in the background.

Yeah.

Knowing that other men will be viral because of their work.

Yeah.

They just have a a hard-working job and they go home to their wives and their family who they treat right because the Bible showed them how.

Yeah.

And that's who's making these dick pills

for small dick gay guys.

So chew it and do it.

Here's a great deal for you guys.

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That's B-L-U-E Chew.com promo code C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

What a great promo code for the product.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yeah.

Tim, you ever used a dick pill?

Yes.

Yeah, Viagra.

My friend gave me Viagra.

My friend's a sex addict who's fucked his dick into it's just barely works.

Yes.

And so he's respect.

Yeah.

No, he's really, you know, he's turned it out.

What does he use now?

Like a cock pump?

He now he likes, you know,

what's a sex addict in the gay community?

No, he's straight.

So he's like had to go to meetings.

He just can't not fuck.

Like he's like, he like,

like,

monogamy is not at all an option.

I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Yeah, whereas it's all monogamy.

It's a painful necessity.

Yeah.

It's something you have to do to get people to like you.

Right.

You fuck like a cat, fox.

It's just like every once and it's.

Yeah, yeah.

Just so people know I'm normal.

Okay.

I'm capable of connecting with you.

No, but a sex addict in the gay community is

dead.

Look,

Angels in America.

I can relax and have fun with somebody.

I'm capable of that.

That's what Rent was about.

Rent was a show about sex addicts who deserved their punishment for God.

And they sang about it.

That was a great thing.

That's when Broadway was fun because people from Ohio would go into a theater because they thought Rent was like, you know, really hip and like, I want to stay rant.

And then it would just be people going, AIDS, AIDS, for a half hour.

I got my ass fucked.

I got my mouth cumbed in.

AIDS blood in your face.

And Jersey Boys is like, hey, look, fellas, I'm not gay or nothing, but but I'm feeling like maybe we should sing a song.

I mean, if you guys want to, I don't know.

I'll have sex with my wife or I'll do this tap dance.

Maybe I'll do a little bit of tap dancing, but I'm, you know, this is out of character for me.

You know, I'm a Jersey boy.

I'm in the Jersey boys.

Broadway now feels like every thing I see is just like Aladdin or.

It's bad.

There's a good show called The Ferryman about the Irish Republican Army, and the Irish people are portrayed as, and it's true, just as drunk,

sexually confused.

Like, if the show is literally just people running around the stage, swigging whiskey and dancing.

It would be like if they did a show about black people where they're just eating buckets of chicken

and like this whole family is just drunk all the time.

They're dancing around.

Everybody's fucking.

It's a good show, though.

Yeah, well, I mean, Irish politics are all about figuring out who to be mad at about your molestation.

Yeah, that's true.

And I still think it is the Protestants who live in Belfast.

I got an argument on my tour bus once with an Irish guy with the horses because I said, I just pointed at him and I said, the horses are all out of here soon.

And he started going nuts.

He's like, you don't know what you're talking about.

And there was just tourists on the bus watching me scream at this Irish guy who had a top hat on.

I mean, he really looked ridiculous.

He was one of the.

He brought his horses on the tour with you?

No, he was one of the carriage guys in Central Park.

So we were stopped by the park, and I was just like, you see these guys?

They're all, I was a little aggressive.

I said, you see them?

They're all done.

They're going to kick the horses out of here.

And he's like, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

He started screaming at me.

And I just said, Why don't you put a bomb in a baby carriage in Belfast, you animal?

And the whole, like, the tour was like, really, really like, what is going on?

But he was screaming at me, called me a faggot, and everything.

I don't, he didn't even know this guy.

It's like, faggots.

And he had a top, like a purple top hat on, calling me a faggot outside of Central Park.

Just a guy dressed like drop dead friend.

He's screaming.

And he thinks he has like a steely, quiet dignity.

That's what that guy imagines himself as being like,

you know, you show patience to people, you know, whatever.

He went home that day.

He looked at his wife, probably hit her, and he was like, this fodge foggits was yelling.

We're done.

We're never done.

His wife, who looks exactly like you, by the way.

Yeah, of course.

Irish women age like cabbages.

This is a fact.

I am the most, like, Irish women are all masculine.

They all have varicose veins.

They all smoke cigarettes.

They ash their cigarettes into seashell ashtrays.

Cold breasts.

Yeah, they they have names like Terry.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My grandmother, my grandmother, a lady named Terry, who was a maid, it was the only Irish white maid left.

And she would go and just scrub my grandmother's house, and she would get drunk.

And her and my grandmother would just get hammered.

And every time Terry would drive home, she would call up my grandmother's answering machine and go, I made it, and hung up just so my grandmother knew she wasn't in jail because she was literally a bottle over the legal limit.

And she had scrubbed her hands down to bloody nubs

washing the house.

Beautiful.

What What a throwback.

You're a doomed race.

The Irish.

Yeah.

Doomed.

Yeah.

You're an Irishman, too?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you mean, too?

Adam, like you are.

Well, Nick is.

Sure.

Are you all Jewish?

All Jew.

All Jewish.

All Ashkenazi.

Eastern.

It's always fun, like, if a nice couple comes to a show and they're like, hey, man, I heard about you on Cometown.

And then, like, just a nice, professional couple.

And then the guy will say to me, like, in front of other people, he'll go, you should rape Adam.

And then walk out of Cap City in Austin.

I'm like, thanks.

And then, like, someone who doesn't know the joke will be like, okay.

You know, just standing there like, yeah, all right.

Because the thing is, is like, it would be bad.

You shouldn't do it, but it would be funny.

It would be a bit

would be very funny.

It would be very funny.

It's one of those, you know, it's kind of one of those Roger Rabbit things.

It's like.

Oh, my God.

If I got raped, I'd be such a drama queen about it.

I would be with that for a month.

No, you would be really upset, and you would need to be in therapy for the rest of your life.

Yeah, the rest of his life.

I'm already in therapy the rest of my life.

Yeah, I mean, he's gonna be there anyway.

Let's make it

work.

Let's give me something to talk about.

Yeah, but imagine being like a casual fan of this podcast and six months from now, just hearing, oh, yeah, Tim, one of the guests just

raped Adam

as a bit,

as a bit, it was just like, not as a bit, but that's what would make it funny.

Male-on-male rape is interesting because I don't know how you would do it.

Like, I'm literally even thinking about how to do it.

As a bludgeon person, I mean, you would literally use it.

Well, in jail, they use two guys.

Well, that's true, but that's serious, physical.

You can't get out, and somebody grabs you, and you're just, it is what it is.

Very violent.

But on the outside, let's say I wanted to.

A lot of it is coercion.

I'm trying to explain.

You'd be surprised.

You could probably talk somebody into gay sex by just

physically intimidating them without doing anything.

Interesting.

Like, in a bit no.

Have you seen that?

And can you explain how that would

take me step by step how that would work?

Highlights.

Well,

there's a breeding process.

Yeah, right.

To the same degree that people will just fucking quote unquote get mugged by handing their fucking money over to somebody.

It's like, come on, man, just give me your wallet.

Like, that happens.

Someone is like,

you would suck their dick.

I think they're, yes, did you see him probably

coerced into doing that?

What?

Look,

it happens to women all the time.

It's like, you know, I mean, if you.

Yeah, but they're scared for their physical.

So plenty of like

plenty of people that won't stand up for themselves.

But I feel like a lot of men want that to happen.

If that's the case, I feel like a lot of them.

Right.

Because now I'm thinking I should have raped so many people.

I was talking, I was like,

Abby and Karen had some guy over here that was like a British guy that I guess did their podcast or whatever.

Yeah.

Well, and now I've just told who it is, but whatever.

I thought.

Okay, they had Jeff Leach here.

I don't know.

This guy's sitting here and he's talking about like, uh, you know, he's like new to me.

He's like fucking British.

He's visiting New York.

He's like, Yeah, you know, I'm like, just, I'm, you know, it's my first time here or whatever.

I had a kind of an interesting experience.

And he's like, I was in Times Square and I got mugged.

I'm like, what?

I was like, you got mugged in Times Square?

What is this?

1998?

Like, how the fuck did you get mugged in Times Square?

And he's like, some guy was just like, you know, he said he had C Ds and he was like, you know, do you have any money on you?

And I pulled out my wallet and he was like, just let me, he's like, just let me get all of of it or whatever.

And he's like, I didn't know what to do.

So I just gave him my money and I kind of walked away.

And he gave up $600.

What?

He just handed $600 to a man in the middle of Times Square, surrounded by police officers, because he was just...

pushed into this corner because he's like socially awkward.

So if you don't think that that's a guy, you can be like, man, suck my dick or I'll fucking beat the shit out of you.

And he's not going to be like, well, I don't want to be rude.

I mean, like, that's who would happen.

Yes.

But a dick is putting a cock in your mouth.

$600.

Handing over.

Well, you better fucking believe I'm not letting somebody take $600 from me.

What I'm saying is, it's so easy to just, the physical act of handing someone $600, I'm not letting someone take $600 from me either.

But the physical act of just opening your wallet and handing someone a $600.

Okay, let's take this another way.

If I give you $600,

can I suck your cock in Times Square?

Can we just arrange?

And then

Tim and that guy with the CDs are working a 1-2 where Tim comes back and he's like, all right, man, well, listen, I see you're down some cash.

How about for 200?

You see?

Joe Montana comes up.

That was good.

See, you put the beaner on the outside.

They think you've slipped it to them.

Meanwhile, you've sucked each other's dick, and you're $600 in the clear.

That's the short con, you see?

It's different.

It's the short one.

It's a long con.

You always got to figure out what the angles are.

It's great.

That's a good con.

I like the way you work.

House of gaze.

House of gaze.

Well, in that documentary abducted in Plain Sight, that rape has like raped this whole family.

He raped it.

Yeah, but that family wanted that.

Do you think the family wanted it?

I think the family had some serious issues.

I think that a pedophile live in your house.

The amount of people, first of all, permanent adolescence is like a problem now across the board.

There's plenty of people that are just children, essentially, emotionally, walking around.

And you should be able to fuck them.

Yeah, yeah.

If someone is a permanent child,

that's a nice middle ground.

Yeah, Your Honor.

Your Honor.

Yeah.

They're only an emotional child, Your Honor.

Yeah.

Fuck.

But, yeah.

So you think coercion, Nick's theory in terms of background.

Nick is probably out.

Nick is probably right.

Coercion, but then also I think drugging is probably a go-to.

Yeah, there's assumptions people have about what they would do in a situation

or how they would act.

I mean, it's like the classic example of that is like somebody's accused of like killing their wife, and then they're on the news and they're like,

I mean, yeah, it's like she's gone, it sucks.

You know, they're like, I don't know what to say about it.

And then people are like, oh, look how little he gives a shit.

Obviously, he did it.

And it's like, well, your wife wasn't murdered.

Or it was like 9-11 when that guy, Todd Beamer, said, We all know that there were no planes, but the guy who was on the plane was like, oh, let's roll.

And people don't know how they're going to react in that situation.

Yeah.

You know, people are like, oh, I would have.

Yeah, Mark Wahlberg.

Exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

If If I was on that plane, I wouldn't let that guy force me to suck his dick.

Yeah,

I would suck Mark Wahlberg off if he was on that plane.

That's how I would die with Mark Wahlberg's cock in the back of my throat.

Praise Allah.

That would be great.

I would do that next week if they said, you want to die with Mark Wahlberg's cock in your mouth in a fireball?

Yes.

You know what would be a really fun movie?

It's Mark Wahlberg.

So the terrorists, they kill the pilots, and Mark Wahlberg's on the plane.

And he's like, I'm not putting up with this.

I'm going to stop these guys.

And then he goes into the cockpit and beats them up.

And then, you know, he's like, Time to land the plane, and still fucks up and crashes into the Twin Tower.

Because he doesn't know how to fly a plane, and he's too proud to let anyone else do it.

That would be grand.

I got this.

There's a different pilot on the plane.

Hold on, one second.

One second.

Yeah.

So, how is Tom Myers?

Good?

He was, you know, he was a, he was a, you know, he's, he's, there's something off,

I would say.

He did tell me a lot about the Baltimore, Maryland comedy scene.

Oh, that's great.

We, you know, his,

he, you know, we kind of got it out of him.

He's not a comedian anymore.

He's kind of just like.

Well, no, he's not really doing comedy as much.

He's just working on his podcast.

Sorry, the cat.

He was going somewhere it shouldn't be.

And he's

managing a restaurant, a Mexican restaurant.

Oh, we know about the Mexican restaurant.

Yeah.

God love him.

Respect to him.

Sweet man.

You know, and it's like.

Yeah, I wish he would open for us.

I just didn't want to address it.

He could take him on the road, man.

He could open.

We know him well.

You just don't.

You don't need to do anything with Tom Myers other than point at him and let him do his thing.

No, yeah, he'll bury himself.

I don't think I want to bury him.

Yeah, I want him to throw him away.

What is wrong with you?

Nobody wants to bury Tom Myers.

I want Tom Myers to have nine different development deals.

Here's the thing.

You want him to be like a whackpacker so so you get something out of it, you know, like Beetlejuice.

I don't even want to.

No, I don't want that.

I want him to flourish.

Genuinely, like I love Tom.

I don't love Tom.

I think Tom's kind of an asshole, but it's like it really doesn't mean anything to me if he has all this success.

I want him to be right.

I think he's like, well, the first step to that success was getting on Guest Digital this afternoon with Lewis.

So

it's a matter of time before I get it.

Managers and agents were definitely listening.

Yeah.

The N-word was said, I swear to that, eight times.

Eight N-words.

Tom's the N-word.

Zach was on.

Zach was in full force.

Tom's like, Tom's like Tommy Wiseau, I guess.

Yeah.

Except Tom's actually kind of like a malicious person.

Yeah.

I guess.

But he's so.

It's like the way

a cat would kill you if it was bigger.

It's like, but the cat has,

yeah.

He's not threatening, but it's like, I have no interest in, like, yeah, yeah, there's no whackpack or sense of it.

I don't really want to be associated with him.

It's just, I happen to know who Tom was,

and then I had an audience.

So he's like, you got to get a load of this guy.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

He lacks a charm.

A lot of hacky Long Island comedians have more of a charm.

Yeah.

This guy does not have a charm.

No, no, no.

I think he might

be like schizophrenic or schizophrenia.

Something's not right.

Yeah.

My mother is schizophrenic, though, and she's funnier.

Like, I'm not even kidding.

She's like much funnier.

Schizophrenics are kind of funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, Tom lacks any ability to really

create any kind of construct of what's going on in anyone else's head.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, it's beyond detachment from reality.

He just fundamentally does not understand a single other human being in the entire world.

Yeah, it's an interesting way to go.

I would love to watch him have some.

He brought a guy.

And it's like, honestly, that's why he only cares about politics.

He brought a dude.

He's straight, but he brought some older guy with him who was, I guess, with him.

His handler?

Was it Ron Bender?

I did not ask his name.

Ron Bender, who's a sweet man, is a guy that just does

one-liners.

Yeah.

And it used to go to shows with Tom.

Yeah.

And

comedy's a real disease.

And I hadn't really thought about it.

Oh, yeah.

That's really what it comes down to.

Ron Bender was like, you know, kind of overweight or whatever.

Yeah.

I kind of, you know, he seemed like a sweet guy.

I would like, you know, talk to him here and there.

And I had forgotten about him.

And Tom posted a picture one time of Ron Bender being wheeled onto stage in a wheelchair.

It says, the return of Ron Bender.

And it's like, I guess he's lost the ability to walk now.

Oh, geez.

Who amongst us can blame a fat man for needing to perform without the full use of his legs?

I think that's actually

a very brave thing to do.

Damn, I need to eat something.

I actually have food.

I'm starving.

I had nothing all day.

I have a little snack for both you guys.

What do you have?

I was at yours.

Oh, that was fucked up because I thought it was a good one.

You walked into that.

You had a sandwich.

You walked into that.

I thought you had like a nice sandwich.

You got excited.

You're a hunch.

Oh, yeah.

I thought you had a thing.

That's how the grooming process works with rape, right?

That's how I started.

I'm always like, hey, you want a snack, boys?

I got something for you to eat.

And they're like, what?

And I'm like, my dick.

And then they do a calculation in their head.

They're like, well, this guy might attack me.

So I better suck his dick and I better suck it good.

I better suck it good.

Because if not, if not, he might attack me after he comes.

That's right.

Absolutely.

There's nothing worse than coming partially soft because of an inadequate blow drop.

Then you got to beat the shit out of this guy.

I know.

That's the only way they learn.

This will sound ridiculous, but somebody posted a picture of

a Nat Geo thing with tribal people.

And, you know, their titties are out, but one of them's an albino, so they're regular white titties.

And it's like, I don't think you should be publishing that.

What?

Just, you know, the other ones are fine.

Yeah.

But I don't think a white woman's breast should just be out there.

Just published it.

You find it wrong.

I thought

it was a fairy.

It's an invasion of privacy.

Does she have black features, though?

Well, I'm not looking at her face.

Okay.

That's fair.

I'm going to go on record and say, I'd feel fine.

I'm not going to get

black facial.

I'd feel a little bit better.

I'd be going on record and take the opposing view.

I understand she's actually from an African tribe.

Right.

And she probably speaks and clicks and whistles.

But

I am looking at

a white woman's pair of breasts, and I feel like

even from here,

she has a black face.

She does.

And that is okay.

Face or no face?

Black face or no face?

The only thing

making it worse is that they're small and kind of perky.

They're not great.

Which is defying her race even more.

Interesting.

Would you feel better if she

has a flat ass, too?

Would you feel better if if she was wearing black, traditional black face?

No, that would be racist.

That would be racist.

That would be wrong.

Welcome back to Instagram.

I apologize.

Yeah.

Look at the next thing I scroll down to right after I say that.

What is it?

Well, I'm not going to tell you, but.

It's a white pitch.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Well, I mean, it's just ironic.

It's funny.

That's the next thing under it.

Just some white hoe

With juicy titties.

The Sonic movie.

Jumbo Yum Yums.

What's up?

It's the Sonic movie.

Everybody's talking about it.

Oh, yeah.

I can't get enough of it.

It's kind of a wasted bit at the live show, but we were doing

Sava's complaining about Jim Carrey as Dr.

Robotnik, and we thought maybe Philip Seymour Hoffman would be better.

No,

definitely would be better.

We riffed that one out, and that was fun.

Yeah.

Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Why don't you give people a couple choice lines?

I can't even.

You can't?

No.

I can't remember the meaning of that.

Something about his car.

Yeah.

I fucking love you, Sonic.

Right.

Yeah, that's what I

just to suck off Sonic by the Camaro.

He's on heroin all the time.

All the time.

All the time, man.

He's a motherfucker to Chaos Emeralds.

Yeah.

Rush Limbaugh was taking like, I think it was 40 OxyContinent.

Yeah, 38 OxyContinent.

Damn.

God, what a fucking dude.

That's awesome.

That's fucking troublesome.

Just so.

You've got to watch that interview with Don Siegel or Don Simpson and Jerry Brockon.

Yeah, I'm going to watch it again.

Don Simpson is just so funny.

He's just such a funny guy.

I wish there was more content of him being interviewed and asked about.

Yeah, he should have been on camera.

He shouldn't have been behind the scenes.

Well, he moved to L.A.

to be an actor.

Oh, shit.

Is that why?

Yeah, and then he got a job at Paramount and worked his way up to being VP of production.

Just couldn't stop making his.

Well, he was a VP of production in Paramount, and then he left to be partners with Bruckheimer.

Yeah.

And then, you know, they did fucking

Top Gun, Days of Thunder.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think of the other.

Actually,

they very well may have raped Tom Cruise.

Maybe.

Yeah.

But the way they talk about

it back in those days.

The way they talk, it really doesn't seem like they know why that's bad.

Right, right.

And that excuses it.

At a certain point,

he's like, they'll sit there and they'll both go back and forth.

And Bruckheimer can't control his face.

He keeps like, he'll say things and then just end with this weird smile.

And he doesn't know where the smile should be going.

And

they go back and forth.

And I could totally see them being like, it's not that we raped Tom so much.

It's that we both love actors.

We love acting.

We love the process of acting.

And we really try to surround ourselves with people that I wouldn't say vulnerable per se, although the argument could be made.

It's that

they express a sort of willingness to be malleable, to form themselves in any way, shape, or form.

They can become anything, even a vagina.

And that's sort of

the mentality that we go into when we make pictures.

And we love making pictures, and that's why we do this.

And it's like,

they're just both fucking insane.

Yeah.

You know?

But

that's who you need.

Yeah.

You need people like that.

You need coke tap people

that don't know if they're raping people or if this is part of the process.

That's how Me Too is ruining Hollywood.

So true, Adam.

Good.

they're kicking the true creative executives out of.

See, Adam's being ironic now, but what he's

going to be all lesbians.

What Adam's saying has

Adam's trying to do, of course, is be this ironic, you know.

And lesbians don't

like the communists, but the reality is

we're kicking out a lot of fucking characters.

Let's just call them what they are.

They're characters.

They're wacky, kooky guys.

They're kooky, wacky characters.

You know?

Yeah, they make it.

They tried to call the the cops on Weinstein a bunch of times, and then they said, oh, what did he do?

He just ate my pussy.

And they're like, well, that's not that.

The cops were like, well, you're a lucky woman.

Congratulations.

And they sent her home.

They're like,

we love pulp fiction, Mr.

Weinstein.

Yeah, and then they came and they ate her pussy.

That's probably happened, actually.

That's wild.

Yeah, no, it's crazy because it's like, you're probably right.

I mean, Simpson probably, because even in that interview, Harvey Weinstein comes up.

And it's so funny, too, because Charlie Rose is the other guy at the table.

Oh, yeah.

So it's Jerry Bruckheimer, Don Simpson,

and then Charlie Rose being.

He goes, you know, Hobby Weinstein told me that, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then Don Simpson goes, well, he's a very smart man.

You know, that man has a high degree of intelligence in a way that I think many people can't really appreciate per se.

You know, he's just always like everything.

He just has to add these little stingers to every sentence.

And then he's always doing this weird shit with his eyes.

And then he'll say something.

And then he's just fidgeting.

He's just sitting in the chair, just going.

He's just like such a coke guy.

It's always good to see somebody coked out or drugged up and at the top of their game.

Yeah, right.

He's just, he's sweating and he's like tanned, and he's been in that moat.

Like, it's fucking, it's like, you know, that guy was just going from like 1970 until the minute his fucking heart explodes.

Yeah.

You know, he's like, great.

I'm going to, you know what?

Hold that thought.

I'm going to get on the phone with him right now.

Bob,

it's Don.

I got good news.

Let's talk.

And that just never stops.

He just keeps winning, too.

It just, he just.

no like sense of like, I'm never going to lose.

Like, I'm on top of the world.

Yeah, because they had Days of Thunder was kind of a flop.

I mean, not really, but, you know, it just didn't do as well as they thought it was going to.

And then they had like a five-picture deal with,

I think, Paramount, actually, in 1990.

It was like a $300 million five-picture deal.

And then the first one that they made was like

failure, you know.

And after that, like, they had like mutual, like, they had an argument.

Maybe it was Days of Thunder.

I can't remember what the first one was, but they had a falling out, and then like the studio blamed them for overspending.

They blamed the studio for rushing the production schedule, and then it was like, let's just part ways.

And then they went over to Disney, and that's where they had the last string of hits.

Which was Bad Boys?

Bad Boys, and Crimson Tide, and

I don't know why I'm having trouble remembering what the third one was.

Brock Himmer did the Pirates movies, but Don Simpson was probably.

He died in 1996.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He died before this fucking

town.

The rock The Rock was the last movie they did together.

Ooh, that's a banger.

They were having a falling out at the time.

Like that was like, that was going to be the last movie they did together.

And then that was a crazy time to be a guy like that.

Yeah.

A guy like that now has to be a lot more cautious than a guy like that would have had to be in the 90s.

Yeah, you have like Christianity.

The 80s and 90s was just, I mean.

Yeah, I mean, the 80s in particular.

And, you know, like, we've talked about it before, but it's like, it's funny because Hollywood only understands like the superficial, right?

Um, there it has like been very brief periods where Hollywood at large really has any kind of like substance to it, sure.

And I think, like,

you know, you, you, like, you have to like go in understanding that all boomers are narcissists.

They're at the time probably the first narcissistic generation, like, yeah, you know, as a whole.

And that expressed itself coming out of like the 1950s with like the countercultural movement or whatever.

All of these like Eastern ideas, Eastern like philosophies, wage stuff imported into the like the West and sort of done it in like a like a like a it happened in like a bastardized way.

Yeah, it was all about me.

It's all about me rather than like my journey, the dissolution of self or whatever.

No, it's not always build that up.

Yeah, build it up and hyper-focus on it and then elevate yourself to the level of like a fucking god.

So the transcendence becomes you yourself as transcended rather than like

and those movies like the less than zeros those movies about like Hollywood even like in the 80s and the 90s are some of the best movies because it's like every character is that well it's that too

it grows out of like again like boomers experiencing that countercultural revolution but then not integrating it the proper way and thinking that free love means debauchery doing whatever the fuck you want right uh uh uh like boundless like to the extent that everyone gets aids we're all just gonna fuck as much as we want we're gonna fuck as much as I want.

Right.

And like a lot of that is reflected in, like, you know, yeah, in what Hollywood was doing in the 1980s, including their actions.

I mean, like, I've said before, I think, like, partially some of that is kind of what set the stage for what really became a huge problem with pedophilia in Hollywood in the 1980s, is that they're like, of course we can fuck kids.

Why can't we?

You know, there was like a hedonism.

Yeah, it's like, yes, exactly.

It's just this unbridled hedonism that's supported by, you know, yeah, the intersection of just people being entirely self-interested and also misunderstanding, like, their own free love.

And also, it being like an artistic

field, right?

Like, that they're making movies, that they're making art.

So, like, one pedophile getting a pang of like conscience and another guy just looking at them and going, like, we're in an artistic field.

This is a field.

This is really artistic.

I don't know why.

What's really telling of that mentality is you read the description of like, and it's all just tabloid stuff and blind items, but the description of Charlie Sheen raping Corey Hain.

Jeez.

And the way he describes it is he convinced him, and he's like, this is just what guys do.

Like, actors do this with each other or whatever.

You know, Charlie Sheen was like 19 at the time, and it's like, what?

Corey Hain was how old?

I don't know, 13.

So, but you know, Charlie Sheen probably got turned out.

Yeah.

And then it's like, well, my theory always was that Martin Sheen, who like came over from the Catholic church into Hollywood, probably brought that all over in from the church.

Martin Sheen was patient zero.

I'm going crazy.

Yeah.

No, I'm so.

Because I'm trying to follow this, because I think this is real good.

The cadence of how you said that is like, oh, I want to have something to talk to about.

The people that come to Laugh Boston, I want to have something to talk to them about after the show.

Martin Sheen fucked Charlie Sheen into being a pedophile with A's.

And that's why Emilio kept his last name because he didn't get fucked.

He didn't want to be part of that.

Emilio is hot.

I would have rather fucked Emilio.

Maybe not.

I don't know.

This is all what I legitimately believe.

Right.

These are all my personality.

There's There's something with the Sheen family that's off.

No, they're weird, dude.

Watch Badlands and watch how much Martin Sheen enjoys.

Did you watch that open secret thing and

all that stuff?

Why is it that Martin Sheen is not convincing in any other role except that one?

Or West Wing, where he plays an elite.

Jedediah Bartlett?

Yeah, where he plays a democratic elite that rapes children.

Why are those his two best roles?

Interesting.

It's not confirmation bias.

It's not me thinking these things and then watching those two movies specifically and being like, I knew proof.

I think you're a sober-minded, rational guy,

especially about this issue and Hollywood.

I don't think you're coming to it with Tim.

Tim is definitely.

You know, it's so funny.

It's because I look at Don Simpson and his mannerisms and see how fucked up he is, and I'm like, oh, that's basically me.

I'm just not raping people.

Right.

And it's

a billionaire.

Yeah, and it's

a good time, man.

And yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's kind of endearing.

I've just enjoyed it.

You've got to watch that video.

I'll watch it.

He just, he's so sweaty and greasy, and he's got this tiny little ponytail and this Williams.

He's exactly what 1990 Hollywood is.

Oh, yeah.

He probably drove a little Porsche, big house in the hills.

Always fucked big cell phone.

Yeah.

Coked out of his face.

Yeah.

Great.

Because I'll tell you, we love making pictures.

We love that shit.

We love making pictures.

That was a crazy.

It was actually

amazing.

There was actually one scene because you watch Real Masters.

This is what he says.

You watch Real Masters,

guys like Washington and Hackman work with each other.

And the thing is, is actors will watch the director, and they get a sense of like, he's going to want 10, he's going to want 6, he's going to want 3.

Some directors will get in, they'll do three takes, so the actor will save their best for the third.

But Gene and Denzel, they know Tony, and they know Tony likes just about six.

So you can see them holding on, waiting, and they say, six, boom, this is it.

This is the one we're going to do.

And that's where they bring it and really comes out.

And, you know, the respect for each other, the mutual respect, you can really tell in the moment.

You don't know if you have a good picture, but you can tell in in the moment that the picture's working for you.

You know, and it's just like

just going off.

It's something beautiful, but a guy that's so into it.

Yeah.

No, I mean,

he loves making movies.

Yeah.

If it was like, you know,

not, if it was just something other than movies and maybe like

doing brain surgery on children,

cancer.

That's right, exactly.

Then he would be a good guy.

I mean, it's, but you can't confuse like

weird images like that.

Just be like, when you kill, when the kid holds his hand for the first time, you know the strength of that handshake.

You know that the relationship is working for you.

You don't know if it's going to be a good fuck, but you know it's working for you.

You don't know if it's a good picture or not, but you do know you have chemistry there.

Yeah.

And he's like, there was one, you know, there was a moment there.

Cameras aren't rolling.

The scene cuts, and Denzel says, man, this man,

that man knows how to act.

And Hackman looks at him and goes, just like you.

And it was a moment you could have scripted it.

It seems like it came out of the movie.

And he's like, just no, you were on massive amounts of cocaine.

They did not even see it.

And just a casual interaction between two people, you turned into some significant moment of actors.

Oh, what a great life.

Yeah.

Just sitting there in the director's chair, coked out of your skull.

Yeah.

Watching things.

And then not directing as a producer.

Not even direct.

He's just sitting there watching monitors going, this is fucking great.

Yeah.

With that headphone shoving shrimp in his mouth.

Yeah.

And not tasting it because his mouth is numb.

That rules, dude.

Yeah.

But a producer, how is that even the job?

Well, you know what?

I'd say you think that because

outside of the entertainment industry, you're like, who are all these fucking people?

And then you get on a film set and you're like, oh, everyone's absolutely essential.

Yeah.

But the job is to just make sure all of the products.

There's different kinds of producers.

There's a lot of different kinds of producers.

So what so an executive producer is like a money guy?

They got to secure funding.

Go ahead and describe the entertainment industry.

I ain't put it on it.

Yeah.

Here's how it works.

And my uncle is this type of producer.

My cousin.

There's like a

two scouting locations.

Those are all producers.

Yeah.

Maybe that's different.

The guy who produced my pilot, Anthony Bourdain, was very essential.

And then he hung himself.

So that was a real problem for us going forward: is that the producer was found in a bathroom 48 hours after we signed a deal.

And then we were, me and Nick were left with the people who didn't kill themselves.

Yeah, yeah.

For a month.

I'm not going to say the guy's name, but that direct.

Yeah, that was not, it was not great.

Yeah.

So sometimes you do want them at least alive.

Yes.

Okay, you're right.

You know,

it was so hard to sit in that room with that.

Me and Nick were like, we were just asking questions, like, like normal questions and normal things.

And the guy was asking, like, we were asking for like

a hundred million dollar budget.

Like, we were like, why didn't you do like a drone shot?

Is there any like drone?

And the guy's, well, I would have set up a drone like, because it's about about a tour, but it's like, you just get any drone try.

Guys, like, that would have taken like the whole day.

Like, do any of these clips have sounds?

Right.

He's like, oh, we're going to play this

again?

You want to hear the clips?

Yeah.

I mean, and then he fucking nailed it because these guys all traveled around the world with Bourdain.

Yeah.

And Nick said something where he's like, yeah, these people all think having dessert is a subversive act.

And literally, right after Nick said that, this fucking idiot walked in.

I swear to Christ.

He goes, yeah, we were in Angola during the the Civil War.

And it's like, and I looked at him, I go, doing what, having soup?

Who gives a fuck?

You know?

Yeah.

No,

yeah.

And then, you know, everything he said was, first of all, he spends the entire time sitting there trying to find new ways to cross his legs.

Right.

Right.

Just trying to prove he didn't have a cop.

That was the whole deck.

How hard

are you doing my twist?

Can he twist his legs like a fucking Twizzler to show you how comfortable he is?

And Nick would pitch things that were amazing, Nick, they were really great.

And everything Nick would say, this guy would give some version of, like, it's going to be too much.

It's going to be too difficult.

You know,

I mean, where is that?

Well, I guess we could talk off Mike.

Well, I mean,

a bunch of daily show editors have recut it.

It is now a nightmare horror.

It is, I mean, it is, dude, I didn't even know you could make something so big.

Like, all these stories about pilots and shit are all true.

Like, you'll look at something, you're like, I didn't even know you could do that with this.

You want to talk about producing, and it's like a project like that is where it's absolutely essential that you have at least one guy who is like a fucking master or

preferably a couple of them that can be in your ear while you go shoot it, making sure that like you're extracting as much comedy as possible from like the event.

Dude, you can't

go out there with like a guy who directed like, you know,

we're going to fucking Vietnam to try cheese made out of piss.

Yeah.

No, it was

never.

And we also shot it on a day when it was 98 degrees, and that's just not the move for that particular shoe.

We should have just pushed it back two weeks.

And it's a shame because there's a lot of really funny shit in that.

Yeah, there is some really funny stuff.

Well, Comedy Central now loves the version that I do not like.

Oh, really?

They're like, we kind of like it.

Because Comedy Central, essentially, the pitch for the show was like, it's really no more.

Like, I'm giving a tour at the end of the, yeah.

Is there any way to just lean into that, get them to have it go to series?

Well, yeah, I'm trying.

Fix in 101.

Yeah, Yeah, listen, I'm 100%

trying to.

I would love the opportunity.

Because I love making unscripted comedy.

It's just great.

It's the greatest feeling in the world.

And I tell you, when I watch some of my favorite comedians, really Global Masterson,

it just reminds me exactly of why I got into this business.

Yeah, I love Don Simpson.

Well, see, I wish we had Don Simpson on this.

Dude, here's the thing.

If Don Simpson was, I wish I was

given anything if I could have worked with that guy.

Yeah.

Despite knowing that he's probably responsible for

however bad you think Harvey Weinstein is, I'm sure you this guy was like just off the charts.

But I would have loved to look at that man and have him say, great fucking job.

That would have been great.

That would be the greatest feeling in the world if a guy like Don Simpson told you you were good at your job.

You would just fucking, you would just get in that car.

Do you want a father figure you respect?

No, it's not that he's a father figure.

It's that like he's just like an enthusiastic guy that loves to be pleased and he knows what works for him.

So if you can make a guy like that be like, fuck yeah.

I mean, it's, you know,

there are certain people you like to

please.

There are certain people you like to please.

Yeah.

Right.

Like

in a work situation.

Right.

And he's like that guy.

Yeah.

There are some other types of people.

Like Bourdain would have been a nice guy to please, but he decided to hang himself in a bathroom.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, folks, we're going to wrap this up.

But real quick, before we do, we want to make sure you know to come see us in Canada.

Yeah, that's right.

We'll be up north of the border in June.

615 Toronto, 619 Montreal, 621 Ottawa, 623 Vancouver, and then 625 Edmonton.

That's right.

So go to Cometown.events.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N.events.

All the tickets are up.

Buy those fucking shits.

Look, is this a little last minute to do a fucking national tour of a

smaller nation

that we don't live in?

Yes.

But please just buy the tickets anyway.

Just buy them so that we could get a bunch of cocaine and

we could be the next Don Simpson.

And also, we want to clarify that it's like it's two shows in one.

So you're getting an hour and a half of stand-up and then you're getting an hour and a half.

You're getting an hour and a half.

Yeah, usually we do two shows.

Normally we do two shows, but this is going to be one ticket for both shows.

It's a mega show.

It's a mega show.

It's a mega show.

But Canadian money makes it.

Listen, it makes money.

Canadian money sucks, and it's also two shows.

$4 are like two cents.

It's a good deal.

So stop complaining on my fucking Instagram comments.

All right, guys.

Thank you to Tim.

Thank you.

Go see him in Boston this weekend.

Goodbye, everyone.

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