Ep. 154 – I cant wait to die

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Your ring your way.

Okay.

We're restarting.

You got to get something out of your system.

Yeah, you got to get certain words out of your system.

Certain words.

As Bill Clinton.

A certain word that I like to refer to is chicken soup for the racist.

That would be a good book to publish.

And then you just open up the pages.

900 pages of the N-word over and over again.

I'll tell you, boy, that's like chicken soup.

It's like

fried chicken soup, baby.

Yeah, fried chicken soup would probably be pretty good.

Well, it wouldn't maintain its crispiness if it was in

if you're a bad cook, like Adam Bad Cook Freedland.

I'm not a bad cook.

I'm pretty good cook.

That was your nickname in the Navy.

That's true.

What's up?

How you doing, bad cook?

You're bad at cooking.

Also, you're gay.

That's what they would say to you.

They would call me gay and a bad bad cookie.

In the 1940s Navy.

Well, cooking was a term in the 40s that meant putting a man's cock and his balls in your mouth at the same time.

No, that's what being in the Navy means.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

So everyone to get into the Navy had to be able to fit a standard size cock and balls in their mouth at once.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Because that way it's like the balls are like extra oxygen if you have to go underwater.

Yeah.

If you have space for balls, you have space for extra air.

I like to imagine that the phrase curse like a sailor comes from like sailors coming in for shore leave and they're staying in hotels in New York or whatever in Fleetweek.

Fleetweek.

Yeah.

And then there's like a family from Minneapolis staying in like the hotel room next to them and they just hear two sailors in the room over being like, oh, fuck.

Fuck me.

Shit.

Oh, fuck me.

Like, boy, those fellas really curse a lot.

Those fellas love cursing.

Yeah, fuck me.

That's probably all they're doing.

Fuck my ass.

Reading the Bible otherwise.

Fuck my ass.

Fuck fuck.

When is Fleetweed?

Put your whole shin in my ass.

Oh, like you don't know.

Like you don't have it marked out on your calendar.

Yeah, like you don't have

X's, and then it's

every day he wakes up, crawls it out.

Waving a little handkerchief at the boys.

Saying, thank you for that.

That you dipped in your ass.

For everything you've done.

Hoping the

out of the seas for our country.

You know?

Is that what the handkerchief was?

High sailors.

It's actually the same day as the gay pride parade, and the gays chase the sailors all throughout the city.

That's the origin of the gay pride parade.

Fleet fun tradition.

Yeah.

Very horny, sexually forward gay men.

Feet week.

And it's just for people

that are in defeat.

That's good, too.

That'd be good.

It's like pride, but for guys that just have

a file on their computer.

So these guys

pride?

Now, let me ask you a question.

These guys that like feet, they fully bust

thinking about and looking at feet.

I think there are degrees.

I think some people just like sucking on toes.

Some people like to fuck the feet like a pussy.

But what I'm saying is put together and use them like a pussy.

Could these guys look at a picture of just feet

and come?

I don't know.

I think the real thing.

It depends on how horny you are.

I used to remember, I used to look at, and I've told it before, but just a drawing of breasts on a placard for how to examine yourself for breast cancer.

Of course.

But you were also a young lad.

Well, you were jacking off to the cancer, not the breasts.

Yeah, you were jacking off the idea of a woman's life being ended.

You're jacking off.

You like the drama.

They're being safe.

They're safe in that picture.

It's not someone that already has cancer.

Why would you check for cancer if you already had it?

To make sure there's no new cancer.

It's a little touchy sound.

Adam checks for cancer every day.

Adam texted us and said he thought he had cancer.

I think I have cancer right now.

so we'll see.

Do you guys want to see it?

No.

No.

Neither do I.

We don't want to see it and we don't want to see it.

Where?

Right here.

There's literally nothing there.

This.

Oh, up there I can't see.

You have a little mole there.

That's a mole.

It's irregular edges and it's kind of wet.

That's because I came on it.

No, look at the edges, dude.

It's not good.

I'm not looking at your fucked up little back mole.

I'm going to go to Bobby Buka Dermatology tomorrow, dermatologist of the stars.

Is he?

He'll sort me out.

What do you know about Buka?

Well, he cured my adult

medical grade dandruff.

Wow.

So now he's going to cure my cancer.

I've had dandruff my whole life, and I will never do anything about it.

Honestly, I got rid of it in a week.

People are like, oh, there's shit on your shirt.

It's like, who cares?

But the problem for me was that my skin was fucked up on my face, and it was related to the dandruff.

Now my skin is clear.

Looks beautiful.

No, it doesn't.

You have pock marks.

Pock marks from acne, but there's no.

I don't mind the pock marks, but your skin isn't that good.

It's fine.

I know, but I used to have that, like, that rosacea, like, yeah, it was horrible.

It's disgusting.

Now it's

I don't have it anymore.

No, you still look bad.

I don't have it anymore.

You don't look bad.

You don't look bad.

It's not good.

You don't look bad.

Medical creator dandruff.

Okay, well, it's just

saying not because of the dandruff.

It's only because of genetics

and

everything that I can't deal with.

But the dandruff I can.

And it's solved.

And that's thanks to Bobby Babuka, dermatologist of the stars.

You guys should go see my budget.

Who else

got me?

What are the signed headshots in Bobby Buca's office?

He did Caratops plastic surgery.

Very nice.

He did.

An Italian dermatologist.

Yeah.

He's done plenty of bottom surgeries.

It's crazy that Keratop is

just around.

Has he done anything in like 40 years?

My sister sees him all the time at a restaurant.

If he didn't have red hair, like people would have just forgotten about him.

Yeah, that's true.

He's in Vegas, though.

Doing what?

The residency.

The amazing Jonathan Zach.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's cashed out, dude.

He's like rich as hell now.

Get that Vegas residency.

Do you think we could get a Vegas residency?

My parents always asked me to.

For real, right?

Okay, so you can get home.

Think about that.

You could have your residency at the Rio.

But listen.

I'm not going.

Guys, hold on.

Let's not rule anything out.

I spent my childhood leaving Las Vegas.

Listen to me, man.

Yeah.

Okay.

Nicholas K.

It seems crazy right now.

But what do you think?

What do you think?

Residencies are all just nostalgia for gay bullshit from people's childhoods.

Britney Spears, Lindion.

So in 30 years,

a bunch of these fucking morons listening right now, what do you think they're going to be nostalgic for?

This fucking stupid podcast.

They'll be dead as well.

So when they're going to record a bad day, but it takes nothing to do a podcast.

That's why no one ever quits recording.

Yeah.

Who in radio ever quit?

Yeah, but

our nostalgia act will be more like

multifaceted than just doing a live show.

It'll be a stage show.

We'll do a music element to it.

It's not like the show will orchestra.

Go on and do other stuff and then like come back to the show.

Maybe.

No, it's not going to happen.

The show's never going to end.

You got a once-in-a-lifetime thing with this show.

As soon as it ends, you'll start seeing less and less people come out to stand up.

There'll be like less opportunities.

No, we have to end it so that we can have the Vegas residency later.

It's a big gamble.

But you've got to spend seven, eight years in the wilderness.

In the wilderness.

Literally in the wilderness.

I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with the building podcast.

As long as I come out of it with plastic surgery.

The other animals think you're a bear, so they respect you as part of the ecosystem.

I'm the alpha bear.

They're like, oh, that's just a honey bear.

That's a bear that you're eating.

The sweetest little bear.

That'd be the cute little bear, bear.

That's a little boo bear.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

That's what I'm saying.

We have a multifaceted stage show with acrobatics.

Adam would be eaten by a spider pretty quickly.

Yeah, that's true.

No, I'd be like kind of wrapped up and caught in a daddy longlegs' web.

That's true.

So we have to spray you down with insecticides every day.

Yeah, because the bugs are trying to kill your eyes and your mouth.

Yeah.

So that is the biggest flaw to my plan so far.

Is that you would be killed by the kids.

Is that we have to

each of us have to go to the

wilderness?

No, no, no.

Not that.

Me and Nick will be fine.

You would be killed by nature.

I'm a natural survivor.

No chance.

You have no idea what I've had to survive in my life.

Name one piece of adversity.

Sex slavery.

Purchasing it?

Purchasing it.

Yeah, it's very inability to

negotiate.

I never did Boy Scouts or anything.

They're fixing.

Oh, no, I would actually be dead.

I do have a Swiss Army knife, though.

That's cool.

I like that the Boy Scouts, they teach you how to pitch a 10 or whatever.

It's all like boy survival survival skills.

And the Girl Scouts survival skills.

Girl Scouts is like, yeah, giving men treats so they don't beat you to death.

Yeah, dude, I could.

I was shocked when I found out Girl Scouts literally were just, I thought it was just going camping, but you're girls.

Where's that money going to?

My dick.

Men.

The cookie money.

Men.

It goes to men.

It goes to men.

Yeah.

Classic.

Raytheon.

Raytheon actually owns all the cookies cookies.

The Girl Scout cookies.

Yeah.

So it's going to missiles.

And they get a first look at

i don't want to say it but the pussy yeah the child it used to be

it used to be you could go to twitter and search for girl scout cookies and that's what black people think they're called

is that if it used to be that or if you could still just no i think they like it'll just auto correct

well let's find out yeah search instead for girl scout

yeah Can I please can I just have a month of Girl Scout Samoas like please?

I ate two whole boxes of Thin Min Girl Scout cookies this past week.

Well, I guess it's all white girls now.

Wow.

Good.

See, that's what happens.

They appropriate.

Oh, you think they're black culture misspelling stuff?

Yeah,

it's like white girls saying yes, queen, and stuff because they heard black gay people saying that.

Yeah.

Oh my god, I order as seven boxes of girl scout cookies for my cousin.

Can't wait to eat it by myself, Lol.

That's funny.

That is funny.

I wasn't joking when I said I want a shirt that says girl scout kumkis on it.

That's funny.

Oh, that person knows what they're doing.

Yeah, that's probably someone like you.

Is it searching for the I don't know?

Her name is

Erin.

So I don't know.

That's a your name is Nick.

I don't have a name.

Oh, yeah.

You're a faceless man.

I'm a face.

I'm a nameless force.

Oh, fuck.

Well,

what did you guys think of the Met Gal looks?

Adam, I know this is some gay shit that you probably haven't heard about.

I had a lot of opinions on it.

I don't understand why people don't go.

Like, one person doesn't do the...

You know how, like, Norm McDonald did the Bob Sagittarius, like, the anti-comedy.

Yeah.

Why doesn't one guy just go butt-ass naked?

That's true.

You can only do it one time, and you can't really do it again.

But no one's done that.

I don't know.

It's a place for people.

Just one guy should come out with their dick and balls out and say that they're dressed as John Cage 433 or whatever that shit is.

Austin 316.

What is the Met Gala?

I don't know.

It's a party at the Met that they have that Vogue puts on.

Oh, that's it?

This was all explained to me last night when Dasha was screaming at the television.

Because I had no idea what it was until last year, and everyone's like, well, it's the Met Gala again.

I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

I didn't know what it was until Rihanna one year wore that feather thing where you almost saw her titties.

Right.

That was awesome.

Yeah, that's when I found out.

Yeah, me too.

And now I guess because we live in dumbass New York, we know that what it is.

Yeah.

Well, you know what it is.

So it's just a party?

There's no awards or anything?

If they're going to have a Met Galaxy.

As far as popular culture is concerned, you're either stuck between the Met Gala on one end and then Duck Dynasty on the other.

And there's really nothing in between.

That's true.

Tannos.

It's either like billionaires that grew beards to hide their money, you know, harassing wildlife.

From a whistleblower.

There's an alligator in the road and we're throwing sticks at it.

How much money do they make off that whistle?

Next week, does the alligator get mad?

Find out on Duck Duck Fucking Dynasty.

Claire has got to take the truck to Costco to buy more tampons.

for her huge pussy.

For her big-ass pussy.

To put a duck whistle in her pussy hole.

Damn, should we invent a whistle?

Is it that easy to be rich?

Name an animal that we need to trap.

An animal to have our own TV show?

Listen, we need a whistle, right?

So figure out the animal and then work backwards from the whistle.

Mm-hmm.

We could trap

their own podcast.

Yeah, I'm going to get into that.

You say bitches at them.

Yeah, you know what?

Like a whistle that'll make girls horny.

Yeah, exactly.

Like kind of like a frequency that'll

start vibrating their clits.

Yeah, like you know how there's that noise the Browns

that makes you shit your pants.

Phil?

Of course.

Phil Robertson, Willie Robertson, Cy Robertson, Jace Robertson, and then Corey Robinson, spelled K-O-R-I-E.

Nice.

What is it with fucking like Hicks and

anytime there's like anytime people are raising money for a white boy with cancer, they always have the stupidest names?

Yep.

Jalen is fighting so hard.

Yeah, Jalen particularly is a name they stole from black people.

Oh, they're all like, they're all walking the line

with those names.

That's why they don't like it.

Kaysen.

Kaysen.

Kaysen is.

Damn, what would you name your firstborn son?

Mine?

Yeah.

Bernie Sanders.

That's cool.

Yep.

Yeah.

Got to do my part, dude.

Of course.

I wouldn't, hmm.

I don't know what I would name mine.

Yeah.

My heir, the heir to my fortune.

Are you going to give your son a Greek name?

My son doesn't get it until he can remove the axe that I threw at his crib.

I throw an axe as hard as I can at the headboard of his crib while he's sleeping in it.

Then, when he's reached enough physical strength to remove it, then he may earn a title.

Got it.

That's pretty good.

That way, you know, because a lot of people hate their names.

Like, oh, I hate my name.

It's like, yeah, because you didn't work for it.

You didn't work for it.

That's true.

You didn't earn it.

That's why socialism is wrong.

Everybody takes their name for granted.

That's why we live in an online era where people are quick to pick an avatar.

Yes.

And

an assumed name.

That's so true.

Because they don't appreciate the things that were given to them

because they weren't earned.

Oh, okay.

They want to choose a different.

Everybody wants to choose their gender now.

Right.

They don't appreciate their birth gender

because they didn't earn it.

If they earn it, I don't get it.

Yes, they should earn it.

So you're good for you want people to be trans.

I don't want people.

Well, I don't think they're earning.

Honestly, I don't give a shit what you do.

They're fake pussy.

I just feel like you should have to pay money to the government

for everything.

And that's just what socialism is.

That is so true.

There should be a tax on being trained.

Getting your cock chopped off.

And it gets us medicine for everybody.

Thank you.

Yep.

So true.

I mean, well, think about all the extra paperwork that we have to do to change their name.

Is there anything else?

Well, you know how people have to wait so long.

It seems like the main one.

People have to wait forever at the DMV.

No one likes going to the DMV.

That's because all the names are.

People getting trans.

Yeah.

All the people trying to get F and M switched.

Imagine like there's a huge line at the DMV.

Like somebody just gets on the PA system.

Sorry for the delay, everyone.

I guess somebody decided to change their gender.

They want a girl's name now.

So that's what the holdup is, is that we're waiting on, oh, I'm sorry, what is it, Crystal?

To figure out what her new name should be.

It's Crystal.

Crystal is what I want the name to be.

Oh, have you decided finally?

It was written down before I came in.

It was on the paperwork.

It was on the paperwork that I filled out before I came here and handed it to you.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just do my job then, huh?

Crystal, is it?

Yes.

Well, I'll just go ahead and file this right now then.

Well, you know, it could speed it up.

What?

You do the surgeries at the DMV.

That would be cool.

You know what I mean?

That would be cool.

Dicks minus vaginas.

Get a little guillotine.

Dicks minus vaginas.

That way.

DMV stands for.

Dicks minus vaginas.

Dick mutilation in vehicles.

They're like, oh, can we maybe rethink the name?

Can it just be a service of the Department of Motor Vehicles?

We don't have to.

Well, it is a type of mutilate.

I mean, they are taking a dick and mutilating it.

That's true.

That's not wrong to say.

What about a cat?

You know, would you say a caterpillar is being mutilated in that cocoon?

Yeah.

Would you say that?

Well, it's literally not a metamorphosis.

It's like a different process.

It's a plastic surgery.

Is that what you would say about a caterpillar, Nick?

Is that how you see them?

Okay, well, let me outwoke you on this.

Trans people don't go through a metamorphosis because the caterpillar was a caterpillar at one point and became a butterfly.

They were always butterflies.

They weren't always butterflies.

But trans people were always butterflies.

But no, she just dead named everything like butterflies.

No, they're cocks.

They are, but their cock was a caterpillar.

Nice true to a butterfly.

Nice tribe.

That is a pussy.

So thank you.

I don't even know what the fucking definition of mutilated is.

Would you say if someone got fake tits, that that's

mutilating your tits?

Mutilate.

Inflict a violent and disfiguring injury on.

So yes, that's what it means.

It's literally the word.

Synonyms vandalize.

Vandalize?

Just spray painting and cock.

They should be a pussy.

Spoil, mar, ruin, destroy, wreck, violate, desecrate.

I wouldn't say ruin or desecrate.

These are all just very neutral terms.

I get it.

You're right.

They are neutral.

Yeah.

Yeah, these are very sterile.

Now let's look at metamorphosis and see if that sounds more like metamorphosis.

Metamorphosis.

I just got some black guys LinkedIn.

All right, let's see.

Change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one by natural or supernatural means.

So, I guess if you use the force to make people trans,

which I certainly hope happens in the new Star Wars.

The only male characters that use the force to make them trans.

That'd be pretty cool.

Kylo Wren.

Yo, a girl now.

We're girls now.

Never mind.

We're just girls.

We're good.

We're girls.

But we're girls.

I'm not gay.

Yeah, this guy's straight.

This guy's straight.

He's not good at all.

Yeah, this checks out.

This guy's straight.

My dick is big.

This guy's got a big penis.

This guy's not gay at all.

I've fucked a lot.

I've had sex before.

Yeah, I think this guy's had sex for a lot of time.

This guy's had sex with a lot of girls.

At least 35 girls.

Probably 35, 45 girls.

Somewhere in a normal range.

And they've had huge ticks.

Yeah, apparently all the girls you fucked had huge tits.

You didn't have sex with any girls or small tits.

But I did get head from some.

The guy at the control center is like,

why are you calling this in?

Fuck, dude.

Now that's good stuff, man.

And you know what?

That's the kind of shit you're going to get if you come see us in Canada.

We should plug this in.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get that up top.

We're coming to motherfucking Canada.

A little short.

It is a short distance away, this tour.

Coming for a visit, gay.

We're coming for a visit, gay.

We're having gay sick sick gay.

Yeah.

Mgai mite.

Mgai Mite.

Yeah, oh, that's the Canadian version of Mguy Mite.

So we are coming to motherfucking Canada.

Toronto.

Let me get all these fucking dates.

But yeah, Toronto, Edmonton,

my Pussyville.

Where else?

Kundalini town.

Montreal, Ottawa.

Vancouver.

Oh.

Calgary.

Down in oh, Kundalini town.

All right, so June 15th, Toronto, in some wild-ass theater.

Poon Honda.

It's gorgeous.

The Winter Garden Theater.

They literally do

Broadway and shit there.

We're selling girls at Poon Honda.

Buy a car, get your dicks.

New civics, new civics, new accords, 14-year-old girls, Pathfinders.

New and used certified pre-owned Hondas and 14-year-old Chinese girls to have sex with.

Down at Poon Honda we're diversifying our stock.

Hi, I'm Eric Poon.

When my father opened this car dealership in 1947 we thought we would stick to vehicles and good service.

Well the definition of good service has changed and less people are buying automobiles.

So now

we're selling you the finest Hondas in the tri-state area and also presenting you with the option to have sex with a 14-year-old Chinese girl that was brought over in one of the shipping containers.

The only card.

I'm sorry, are we still plugging dates?

No, it's fine.

Well, I was going to let you.

Koon Honda, we'll let you

know.

I don't want to get in the way, man.

Please.

No, yeah.

The reason we were doing that.

This is the kind of stuff we're doing on tour.

Yeah.

You don't want to end.

You want to fuck the golden goose in its current.

Toronto 615, Montreal 619, Ottawa 621.

At gunpoint, we've taught her how to say, fuck me, silly daddy.

And that's the only English she knows.

In the event that the police question her, she will never be able to identify you or anyone at the dealership, which is our guarantee.

A family-owned business.

Just on Fox 45, the Sunday morning, after the news, we're doing that commercial.

Clearly,

clearly admitting to sex trafficking.

A family, like parking at the dealership in a shitty car and all smiling and holding hands as they walk up to

the showroom or whatever.

And then the father kind of waves and he's walking off to a different building.

It's like the family

here at Poon Honda.

We offer a wide selection of the latest Accord models, used Civics,

the pilot, and I don't know, the fucking Odyssey.

Greatest selection of minivans, sedans, and compacts on the East Coast.

And also a 14-year-old Chinese girl

named Sue Lin who is chained up in the parts car.

and we beat

we beat her senseless with radiator hoses so her eyes already swollen as part of her asiatic makeup is we are now sealed shut

and welcome back to wbao for 525 news

the aureoles lost again today

brought to you 525 news is brought to you by poon hung family-owned dealership

By 14-year-old Chinese girl.

All right, so Toronto on the 15th at the Winter Garden Theater.

Montreal, the Rialto Theater on the 19th of June.

Ottawa, the 21st at Center Point Theater.

Vancouver,

Yucks.

And Edmonton, we're still figuring that out, but there are links at go to Cometown.events.

And there's some shit there.

There's links.

There's information.

There's pre-sale sign-ups for some of the shows that aren't up yet.

But

come out and see us.

us.

Savannah and Nick are not participating, but I will be doing a VIP meet and greet for an extra $100 on top of your ticket.

You can meet me in a blank office space kind of room.

I'll be sitting at a desk.

You can sit down

and call me the K-word.

That's right.

It's $100.

It's $100 Canadian.

Should I replay Donkey Kong 64?

Probably.

You have an N64?

It's right in front of you.

Also, the way these shows are going to work is they're basically going to be two shows in one where we'll do stand-up and then we'll do a live podcast.

How about we do a jive podcast?

We'll do a jive podcast.

We will be in blackface and zoom suits.

Woo!

For our jive.

For our jive podcast.

We're going to dress like the Quaker Oats guy in blackface.

That's good.

Yeah.

Should I pick a fucking Steve Harvey you didn't want to accept?

I know.

I can't believe that's good.

That's real, dude.

Steve, you guys, do yourselves a favor and check out Steve Harvey at the fucking Kentucky.

I think his plan is to just dress like such a retard that when he goes out on the street, people are like,

that can't be Steve Harvey.

Yeah, he looks like Dark Winged Duck.

He really didn't realize in that video you showed me where it was like everyone looked like Steve Harvey that one of them was Steve Harvey.

I mean, maybe.

It was no, it was him visiting his old fraternity.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What is he?

It's just like a bunch of Omega.

It looks like 15 Steve Harvey's dancing, like getting down hard, but one of them was actually Steve Harvey.

Yeah.

Omega Psi.

What it feels like.

He feels like one of those guys.

There's

Alpha Kappa Alpha.

That's a girls.

Good for all those guys.

What?

Oh, yeah.

You know, those guys.

Black fraternity guys?

Black fraternity guys.

Good, like, 90-year-old black fraternity guys.

Going out and having fun.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they they yeah.

I I'm willing to bet he's Omega Psi Phi.

That's what it felt it feels like to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They do have fun, and they still haze pretty bad.

And they still, do they stomp the yard?

They stomp the yard, dude.

But they all get probably a crazy amount of pussy.

And what's

stomped the tard.

No.

And it's about those.

And it's about those teens in Chicago that kidnapped a handicapper.

Oh, damn, they really did.

Yeah, Nick Cannon being like, we got to kidnap him.

I think think that was.

You ain't got it in you, boy.

Yeah.

You can't.

You was not made to be kidding me.

I ain't never going to be like my father.

I ain't going to be like my father.

I'm going to be able to kidnap my kids.

I'm going to kidnap this retard and beat his ass.

My father was a quitter who refused to kidnap retarded people.

My daddy was a damn drunk.

I'm not going to be like that.

I'm going to beat up this retarded kid.

The redemption arc being

beating a chomp retarded man savagely.

Yeah.

And you're just like pitching that, and they're like,

what is the...

Well, you see, stomp the yard.

You're just like, it's representation.

And they're like, oh, here's $20 million.

Oh, we'll make this right away.

We're not going to give this a second thought.

Oh, fuck.

What's up with you, Adam?

Adam just got bad news on his phone.

No, I was just, I was just seeing if we didn't announce one of the dates.

We didn't announce the other two.

Adam's using the MI Gay app.

And he opened it up.

You're gay.

His phone was buzzing very loudly and vibrating and smoking.

I'm kind of more of a magic eight-ball kind of thing.

I'm going to make that

app store.

That is awesome.

MI Gay.

You're gay.

That would be good.

Yeah.

And the gayer you are, the more the light gets brighter.

Yeah.

There's different levels.

Yeah,

you should go to development school, web development school, get a computer science master's.

Yeah.

Learn how to code.

Should go to coding boot camp.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, they have like a lot of those private coding.

That's where all the good pussy is.

Coding?

Coding boot camp.

That's what I think.

Is that where all the good pussy is?

Yeah, for sure.

We should be treating all all the uh

the illegals like put them in coding put them in coding boot camps and then have them come up with new ipad uh apps you know

and then what people won't be mad mad at them for coming to you think people want more apps yeah to make uh you know like

something where you could get uh

like uh day labor to yeah oh okay an app for that.

That would be good.

Instead of you don't have to go to the home

parking lot.

Yep.

They can just get an alert.

Okay, I think that was a pretty good.

What's up with you?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just falling asleep.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I like that idea.

I'm sorry, what?

You get an app for day labor instead of going.

I think they have that, basically.

Fiverr.

Is that what it's called?

Yeah, it's for like

freelancers.

Task Rabbit.

I want someone who's a bad person.

That's

a good one.

I've got a Fiverr, but yeah, it's called Cinco.

And it's just for hiverse.

There you go.

That's what I was looking for.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A minute ago.

You needed something racist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What else, boys?

What else is in the video?

That's a good idea.

You should write that, Adam.

Cynco?

The app?

The app?

Yeah.

I don't know how to code.

Yeah, you do.

Go to coding boot camp with all the good pussy.

It's circular.

We've gotten to it.

All right.

I'll check that out.

Wham.

One of my friends got bed bugs at a hotel.

Isn't that fucking wild?

No, I mean, that's where you get bed bugs.

Shit sucks, dude.

That's what they meant.

I saw some woman online like a year ago, like railing against some fucking hotel.

She's like, fuck these assholes for giving me bed bugs.

And it's like, yeah, it sucks, but it's like...

What do you think the hotel is like purposefully contracting bed bugs?

It's shitty people like you that get bed bugs and then bring your luggage everywhere.

Anyways.

Very pro-hotel stance.

I mean, it's just like, it sucks and there should be some kind of like recompensation.

I think it's like

you know, I mean, the landlord should have to take care of it.

Yeah.

They do here in New York or whatever.

But like, yeah, they're like a huge fucking problem.

I mean, if you can't, like, vaccinate against fucking bed bugs.

How do we stop the spread of b bugs?

But using DDT.

You bring DDT back.

Nice.

Yeah.

Is that that's illegal?

No, they stopped using it like'cause they used to just drive around in gas neighborhoods.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like at the beginning of shortcuts.

I guess.

They're like gassing the whole.

Which shortcuts?

Movie.

Is it a movie about your dick?

Well,

it wouldn't be called shortcuts then.

Yes, it would.

Well, it's cut.

I'm going to start a shortcut.

I'm going to start a barbershop.

It's called shortcuts, and it's only for guys under 5'10.

And you have to grow your hair out for six years, and then we construct you a pompadour that's

14 inches.

Oh, nice.

It's a giant haircut.

What are you talking about?

I'm six.

I'm fucking tall over here.

I'm a freaking tall guy over here.

I went over to shortcuts.

I start wearing platforms.

Yeah, you should.

That would be awesome, dude.

People are like, wow, that guy's tall and not fat.

He's skinny, dude.

That guy, he looks like a regular size.

I can't get over a regular negative.

I'm going to have platforms.

I'm going to wear sleeves that are really long.

So it looks like your arms and paws are long.

But what about your hands?

How about I get my arms?

My mannequin hands.

My arms are covered in tattoos of Steve Harvey.

His face, he's wearing different outfits, like big murals in both sides.

Sleeves.

Sleeve Harvey.

And then I moved back to Austin and I get my own public access T V show for that.

Steve Harvey shows in the middle of the day.

Dude, if you met Sleeve Harvey,

he's an alcoholic, but there's a dumb gimmick about him.

He just goes around on E6 and fucks 20-year-olds.

Yep, all day long.

He fucks 20-year-olds and want to fuck a guy with a little bit of local notability

for some dumb thing.

Sounds awesome, honestly.

No, it is awesome.

Did that lizard guy get pussy?

He looks a little too weird, I think.

He was, you know, I mean, he's...

Well, he's an all right guy.

I used to hang out with him.

He's a cool guy.

Yeah, well, he's all right.

He's okay.

To the same extent that I'm a cool guy.

I mean, like, so he's not.

Right, not a cool guy.

You know, I mean, that's all.

So put it this way.

He's like, no, he's not an act.

Yeah, he's a little bit autistic, I guess.

Oh, that's why he did that whole lizard.

Yeah, exactly.

He just got that into lizards.

He was like, imagine him.

Let's put it this way.

He's not his tongue going in two directions.

The whole time you're talking to him, he's not like, I'm a lizard.

He's not doing like that kind of shit.

That would be awesome.

I'm a lizard man.

You know what I'm saying?

I would almost prefer that, though.

I want that.

He's like, yeah, yeah, it's been a pretty okay week.

Just got my tax return.

My freaking milk went bad.

That sucked.

That's what he's like.

That sucks.

I would rather him be like, I'm a

tongue.

To penetrate the hole and lick the clit at the same time.

His voice is very interesting idea.

Yeah.

Because in that case, then maybe we should be guessing that.

Very interesting.

But did he have a speech impediment from the fork tongue surgery, or did he talk normal?

How about a speech embedded?

Okay.

Let me get in bed together.

How about that?

Why don't you bring your little deaf ass in bed?

I don't know what that is.

A speech embedding.

Yeah, how about sorry?

I was checking crypto prices.

Oh, it's fine.

Mick's back in.

You're back in.

I never got out.

You bought the dip.

Well, I bought more when it went low, so no, I'm doing okay.

Now you're going back up?

Well, I don't know.

I'll probably crash again.

Back in the saddle again.

Yeah.

I wish I got into it before my cancer.

Yeah.

Can I have all your stuff?

Yeah, you can have some stuff.

Yeah.

How big is your TV?

The doctor comes in, he's like, well, we were worried it was gay cancer, but we're looking at it now.

And the good news is it's not cancer, but it is gay.

It appears it is.

we thought it we thought it was gaposi sarcoma which as you know it was referred to as gay cancer 35 years ago

we thought that's what you

turns out it's not cancer but it is gay it is actually very

which as you know means we have to charge you for the visit now if it appears a portion of a man who you were having sex with his goatee infected your back damn while he was fucking you in the ass.

I love it.

So we were talking about Stuff Stop got a piece of some dead guy's bone put in his mouth.

Yeah.

And there's literally, based on statistics, a 50-50 chance that it was a gay man.

That's not statistics.

50%.

Yeah.

That is not based on statistics.

It is.

Well, first of all,

I said percent.

That's statistics, motherfucker.

No, 50%.

First of all, there's half women.

Okay?

No, but they give

them a lot of people give guy bones to guys.

That's not true.

Yeah, it is.

Bones are the same.

It literally has to come from a Greek man.

No.

Look at, yes, Which is over 50%.

Yeah.

And so, like, think about this, okay?

I don't think any of this is true.

Listen to this demographic.

Okay.

A Greek guy who died young who is also an organ donor.

Why does he have to die young?

Well, because you need young bones.

Yeah, donating your organs is pretty good.

It has to be somebody that's the same age and race as you.

So you don't think it could just be a guy?

No, first of all, that's not a good idea.

No, gay guys donate organs because they just need the inside of other games.

The thing is,

first of all, a Greek guy's even the straightest, most homophobic Greek guy in the world has probably suffered.

He had gay sex.

Probably had gay sex.

Of course.

Okay, that I will cede to you.

Yeah.

Now, they're all

imagine

how much of a liberal you'd have to be as a Greek to be an organ donor.

That's true.

And so that's got to be the gayest guy, the gayest Greek guy in the world.

Now, and I'm saying that's what gets you up to 50%.

Interesting.

All of these other circumstances at play.

Yeah, it's not just the the general population.

It's not saying the general population.

I'm saying among Greek 30-year-olds,

morbidly obese Greek 30-year-olds.

Regularly.

Who died tragically?

Who died tragically?

Why did they have to die tragically?

Because they had to give you their bone.

Yeah.

What if they had extra bone and they wanted to shape something?

No one gives bones.

Maybe.

Who?

I don't know.

It'd be funny if the bone came from another fat guy who died in a basketball tournament.

Look, but do you feel like there is another spirit inside of you?

Yeah,

like there is another man living in you.

I've been waking up

at 3 a.m.

hard outside of my neighbor's window, knocking on the door, and then I snap.

Yeah.

I come and then I immediately like, where am I?

I would love to get a bone transplant from a Native American and then just like Elizabeth Warren style and be like, well, a big part of my heritage.

Yes.

It's something that's inside.

1-100th.

Oh, shit.

I just usually.

My name is Tickled Nuts.

You're queer now.

Ticklesnuts.

Ticklesnuts.

It's both my native name and my clown name.

John Tickled Nuts.

Yeah.

The thing is, though, I know,

if everything you guys are saying is true, which I don't believe it is,

they probably had to give me an alpha, they had to give me alpha male bones, yeah, because otherwise my body would reject any kind of beta little bullshit.

Yeah, that's true.

No, that's not true.

So, it was probably a mafiozo, honestly, who was gunned down, betrayed, like exposed.

The timing works out, too.

It might be that guy from Staten Island.

Ooh, they got killed by that QAnon guy.

QAnon guy.

Maybe that's a new movie.

Maybe we got a mafia movie on our hands.

Ghost Ghost Mob.

Yeah, Ghost Mob way the

salami.

Yeah, I was trying to remember the word salami.

Oh, I knew what the joke was.

I couldn't remember the word salami.

I kept thinking.

Salsich.

Sasij.

Salich.

I'm actually, I have to donate an organ pretty soon.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Your uterus.

I'm donating my heart to my girlfriend's boyfriend.

So that he may live.

Nice.

What's his name?

What's his name?

I don't even know his name yet.

Oh.

Yeah.

They're keeping it kind of a secret.

But he needs an emergency heart right now.

So it's gotten serious enough where now you know

her boyfriend.

I don't know him, but I know he needs a heart.

That's so nice of you.

I know.

It's an expression of love.

Are those guys real or is all that stuff on internet, Joe?

Polly?

The guys?

I love

my wife's boyfriend.

Oh, it's real.

For sure, it's real.

That can't be real.

Yeah, it's all autistic people.

Some guy's just fucking your wife and you're smiling and getting him like

those little doll.

What are those shits called?

What do you mean?

Bobbleheads for poly people.

I mean, it's just like a fetish or whatever.

But they're like hacking.

Yeah, but they're like.

I know, but I mean, you could do the same thing with, like, some man is just fucking you and your ass and just smiling.

No, I get that.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, I think, like, the organized

poly community is disgusting and weird.

Yeah, because you know what it is?

I mean, all of this is a sexual fetish.

All sexuality.

Here's the thing.

A sexual fetish, it's like, I know what it's like to just have to bust a nut no matter what.

But this is, these people have...

are not coming.

They're not in the act of coming.

They go to events.

They're hanging out.

They're having brunch together and being like, oh, it was nice when you fucked up.

Did you see someone posted that escape route?

I get, yeah, look, it's weird, but it's like they seem to be

clean otherwise.

So, what are you gonna do?

I mean, that seems to be the fucking way we judge anything else.

What?

If like it's consensual and they're fine, like yeah, I'm just saying it.

I'm sure it bothers you because you're like putting yourself in that position.

You're like, somebody's fucking my girlfriend, and it's like that's well, it's not happening to you.

No, I know, I just don't understand even listen, even the guys that get cucked.

I almost get this is this is this is those kind of people.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah.

What I'm saying is.

It's awful.

Yeah, exactly.

These people shouldn't be having sex with anyone.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's how they.

There's a documentary about Paulie people.

This woman talks about her huge tits all the time.

Yeah, you're absolutely correct.

With that face.

She looks like Nelson Muns.

I guess my point is, it's not the sexual thing that I don't get.

No, the sexual thing.

You cuck people.

It's like, all right, you have some weird thing where you're beating people.

You like to be humiliated.

But this shit is like, we're all hanging out, we're all just grabbing brunch together.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I think, like,

yeah, it's, it's, uh, it's the things you do when you're not hard

that I have a problem with.

Do whatever you want where you're hard.

But it's people like trying to, like, apply rules to something that's fun

because, like, it, it, you're breaking the rules.

Like, cheating is against the rules, and that's why it's fun.

Yeah.

But, like, all of this shit is like, oh, we're going to make like a bylaws and stuff, yeah, and like we gotta have

to zap the beauty of cheating from it, right?

We have to like follow Robert's rules of order and stuff, and like

pass amendments and shit.

Personally, I feel like only airline pilots should be able to cheat.

I'm a bit of a traditionalist in that sense, and that you should work for the airlines if you want to cheat on your wife.

That makes sense, yeah.

And women are allowed to be raped by their boss on a business trip.

Oh, that's all the cheating they get?

Yes.

But they knew what was happening when they agreed to go on.

When they agreed to go on a business trip that would further their career.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That makes sense.

You know, the 50s.

Yeah.

Everyone was happy in the 50s.

And everyone respected Erlang.

A lot of people don't know that

the sexual revolution and all that stuff, that was all just like a viral ad campaign.

Oh, really?

By who?

What corporation?

Pepsi or some shit.

Bengay?

Yeah.

To ice it.

Yeah, they needed people fucking so they could rub some Bengay on their thighs.

Yeah.

In the 50s, everyone had the same haircut.

They were all the same height.

Everyone wore a suit.

We were Chinese, basically.

Yeah, that is true.

Oh, Nick, do you see a dark future where the Chinese are doing are beautiful?

I think the Chinese are poly pretty often by accident.

Wait a minute, this is in my house.

That's great.

That's That's funny.

This is not my beautiful wife.

Wow.

This is not my big car.

This is not my large automobile.

And the days go by.

I think oftentimes, like, in the organized poly thing, it's one of them wants to fuck and the other one's like too much of a...

like passive whatever to like say no

or dick to did you ever see that louis thore documentary about the swingers?

No.

No.

Who's Louis Thoreau?

He's like a British documentarian guy.

He lived with

the Westboro Baptist Church.

He goes and like.

That's a good name.

I've heard it, and I think, wow, cool name.

Louis Thoreau?

Oh, yeah.

You should watch all of his documents.

He's the best.

He's super funny, too.

Yeah, no, he's hilarious.

He's the best.

Probably the best documentarian that ever lived, ever.

Better than Errol Morris or Ken Burns.

Ken Burns, boring ass fucking slow pan.

You know, I honestly, I mean, I guess it's like Ken Burns might be one of those things where it's like his style has

become like, I don't know, like the base level of what you're supposed to emulate.

But like, it's not a documentary unless you're doing some Ken Burns shit.

Yeah.

That what the letters and stuff.

What made Ken Burns great at one point is now just lost.

And,

you know, I don't know.

Right.

But yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I tried to go back and watch the Civil War documentary again.

I did, I did

that bottle of pills, and I just wanted to sit on the couch and do pills and watch

18 hours of a Civil War documentary.

And I got maybe two hours in, and it was like, I can't do this anymore.

I mean, I used to.

Well, you need more pills.

Yeah,

you know,

I was taking like nine, ten at a time.

Yeah.

So yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I was through the bottle pretty quickly.

Well,

in the Swingers documentary, he goes like a Swingers party at this couple's house and like the wife is just like at the check-in like at coat check the whole night like greeting people as they walk in and the husband's just like in the different fuck rooms that they have around the house

just like making different people

presents unfuckable blackness

the story of the first black man to get involved in a polyamorous relationship with a white with a white family.

Yeah.

Well, you know, Marcus, the only thing he wanted to do was have sex with a married white woman.

And, you know, this was 1947.

We said, you're out of your mind.

There's no way that's going to happen.

He could die.

They could kill you.

But Marcus was determined.

You know, there was something different about him.

Marcus Jeffries grew up in a shack made out of doo-doo

on the Mississippi Delta.

As a young boy.

His mama made him pull the turds out her ass.

And, you know, he would have to build a house around his mama's ass.

And that's kind of where he developed an appreciation for a white pussy.

Because he saw his mother's pussy.

Because he would have to see his mother's pussy, and it was covered in doo-doo all the time.

I'm going to kind of hit him making a house.

Wow.

Ken Burns.

Fuckable black.

Fuckable black.

Marcus, as a young boy, it always struck me how horny Marcus was because

Marcus' dick was hard all the time

His mama used to use his dick as a washboard

They would have

everybody in the in the you know, they had a little village set up there down on the Delta and everybody would come by and they put their linens on Marcus's dick

Scrub their linens down

And something about him seeing his dick on in and out of them white linens that really added to his obsession with with fucking a married white lady

A pioneer.

Yeah.

In 1927, Marcus traveled to New Orleans, which I know somehow now the time frame

back in time.

And that's where he began sleeping with French women who weren't considered white at the time.

And this gave him a lot of practice.

Oh,

cat's so cute.

The cat?

Yeah.

Yeah, she's alright.

Damn, she's love.

Ah, fuck, bitch.

Get him.

No, do not get me.

Get him.

Don't claw me, you fucking horror.

Scratch him up.

Do not scratch me up.

She is low in these cuddles, so I'll give her that.

A killer.

You want to kill her?

No, no, she is a killer.

Yeah.

What's the last thing she killed?

I don't know.

Bugs?

You?

No, I'm not dead.

Yeah.

I'm going to survive.

I'm going to live, father.

I'm going to live, father.

Unforgivable blackness.

Unfuckable.

Did you see that one, Unforgivable Blackness?

No, who's that?

It's a Ken Burns documentary.

That's what that was all.

That was all a parody.

I thought we were just having a good time thinking about a guy who fucks white women in the 40s.

Oh, first guy.

We were, but the base material is unforgivable blackness.

What happened to that guy in the regular doc?

I don't know who gives a shit.

Do you know what it's about, Adam?

No, I haven't heard of it before.

I've heard of the baseball one, the jazz one,

the

Civil War one.

They should do one about pornography.

Maybe Unforgivable Blackness isn't even a Ken Burns documentary.

I've never heard of it.

Let me look it up.

I thought he did simpler subjects than that.

Well, th I mean

do you have any thoughts about that sentence, Nick?

More broad.

I thought he just chose more broad topics.

Like

periods in history or whatever.

Unforgivable blackness, the rise and fall of Jack Johnson is a documentary.

Jack Johnson.

Yeah.

So the

boxer.

The musician.

He probably got, yeah.

The musician, yeah.

He probably got some white pussy, honestly.

The boxer, Jack Johnson, for sure.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Get off me.

No, don't get on me.

Get off me.

I'm allergic, so don't.

No, don't look at me like that.

It's not my fault.

Nick is mean.

I don't want fucking cat hair all over me right now.

You're in your home, dude.

I gotta go out.

What are you doing after this?

I got business after this.

You can't be embarrassed.

BMW motorsport sweatpants filled with cat hair.

I guess Keith David did the voiceover for it.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Who's that?

That's perfect.

The Navy Accelerate Your Life guy.

Oh, hell yeah.

Ass to ass.

Getting that snow bunny pussy was the only thing that mattered to him.

The guy who said that they should go ask to ask at Rifle Fury Dream.

Yeah.

That guy rules, man.

He's got a very sinister smile.

Yeah.

Who would you say in all of media has a very sinister smile?

That guy.

That guy.

What kind of prompt is that?

That there's this movie that people retweet a lot where it's like.

Who would you say in all of media has a very sinister smile?

That that

where it's like a guy, but he's in his house, but he's also at the event or something.

What?

It's like a David Byrne movie, David Lynch movie.

He's at his house, but he's at the event.

What event?

It's like some guy, and he's smiling weird.

What?

And he's got like under-eye makeup on.

Yeah, he was getting white pussy.

He was.

Hell yeah.

Two Jack Johnson.

Jack Johnson.

Hell yeah.

Salute.

Yeah, Donald Trump pardons boxing championships.

Oh, that's right.

He did.

He did.

He pardoned him for getting white pussy.

First of all, I think it's okay.

Yeah, no, literally.

Donald Trump has issued a posthumous pardon to black boxer jailed over 100 years ago for traveling with his white girlfriend.

I had no idea what that died.

That's funny.

I know.

That is so funny.

We guessed it.

Yeah.

Unfuckable blackness.

And then Donald Trump recently gave the presidential Medal of Honor or some shit to Tiger Woods.

Mm-hmm.

to his boy.

Well, that proves he's not racist.

Yeah.

That's all you need to know about Donald Trump is he pardoned a dead black man from two million years ago.

And also a.

We're actually, I'm going to take a picture of me smiling next to the Geico Caveman.

So we're going to reopen the children's prison on the border.

And that should nip this whole I'm racist nonsense right in the butt.

Oh, fuck.

I got a headache.

I think it's from doing Adderall, taking Adderall yesterday.

Yeah, that shit fucks me up.

And I'm like a zombie the next day, too.

But I was kind of productive.

Yeah, maybe I should just go on meds.

I want to take uppers in the morning, downers at night.

Yeah, like

a sorority girl.

Yeah, dude.

Instead of taking uppers, you take puppers.

Ooh.

Some rare doggo pictures.

Do you get

it just comes up when I open the red and half?

It's just all those

rare puppo doggers.

Small puppers.

The puppers are just snooped a boop.

Rare floof to poop the floof.

Look at the floof.

He pooped himself.

Kill yourself.

Just fucking kill yourself, please.

Can you imagine that?

Like, your motivation to get a dog is that, like, maybe people will talk to me.

I know, dude.

Just pet the dog.

Enjoy the fucking dog.

Got small puppers, dude

that's your dick's name my dick i thought it was shortcut it's also your dick's name

your dick's name is small puppers rare dickers and it's just a bunch of people posting pictures of adams small dick

just my dick what about

smoothie boop de boop

dude

is it a bad sign if a girl does baby talk to your penis yeah yeah she means that she thinks it's a baby yeah but it's a good sign if she does baby talk while you're fucking her

because that means that bitch is retarded.

That's good.

Later, Jack Johnson got into getting the sneakiest type of pussy there is.

Retarded white girl pussy.

You know, a lot of us were saying he was going too far at that point.

For the time.

Yeah, for the evening.

For the time, it was radical to be having sex with any white woman.

Having sex with a white woman, but we said, man, we don't even think this is going to be cool 50, 60 years.

try.

I mean,

this will probably never be all right.

The sneakiest pussy there was.

That's actually where the term baby as a sexual

euphemism came from.

Is that Mr.

Johnson was doing it as a radical political act.

He was not attracted to retarded people.

We have here his diary that reads, damn, there ain't nothing like retarded pussy.

Yeah.

So what else is it?

It is pretty cool that Jack Johnson was

world champ

despite everything.

What do you mean?

He's strong.

Yeah, but it was like the 1880s or some wild shit.

Oh, I thought it was like the early 1900s.

I mean, maybe.

Whatever.

But it used to be.

When was the Civil War?

You know, it's so funny.

It's like there was probably a guy that was like pro-slavery, and then they ended slavery, and then that guy became like the best boxer in the world and started fucking white women.

He was like, I told you.

I fucking told you so.

Like,

I don't want to do a victory lap here

in your days, but I fucking told you so.

Who knew what was going to happen, huh?

Who tried to tell you, motherfucker?

I told you.

I fucking told you.

And Mr.

I Told You So was right.

And that's the final takeaway from this boxing documentary: that slavery should have kept going.

Is that one guy got to be right?

Damn.

So no one knows any other sinister smiles, huh?

Jack in The Departed, that gift that people share of him smiling.

Tim Curry, nodding a little.

Tim Curry is a great example of what I'm talking about.

A very sinister smile.

Let's see.

Jafar.

That's not a real guy.

Jafar.

The Cheshire Cat.

Cheshire Cat.

Classic.

Something fucked up there.

Smile.

I'm just Googling Smile.

No, just Sinister Smile.

Smile, celebrity.

Let's see if this gives us some good stuff to talk about.

No, man, you have to Google Sinister.

Doing some good

searches for the podcast.

Sinister Smile.

I'm going to do Sinister Smile.

Brad Pitt, actor.

Mm-hmm.

Jack Efron, actor.

Tom Cruise, actor.

Oh, yeah.

Tom Cruise is...

Why is he rated as like the...

As the what?

If you type in Celebrity Smiles, it's just like there's a bunch of pictures of Tom Cruise.

I guess he smiles a lot.

Maybe he's hot.

But he's got a weird bite.

Like his

teeth aren't.

Yeah, his teeth are not aligned.

Yeah, but he's got a good smile.

I mean, he looks great.

Ben Affleck, actor.

You know who I would have liked to have sex with?

Marilyn Monroe.

He's an actor.

You know, she weighed 350 pounds.

Yeah, that's why I like her.

Yeah.

So 102 million pounds.

I love me a thickie.

Ann Hathaway actor and hathaway also an actor Julia Stiles Damn dude

Julia Robertson.

I wouldn't go back in time Julia Robertson have sex with Marilyn Monroe actor

Nicholas Cage

Turdwater's Hollywood podcast.

Today we're going to continue where we left off last week

going through a list of

some of the characters you might see in them Hollywood pickers that they put on the big screen.

Without further ado, we'll just get started here.

Okay.

Chris Cooper, actor.

Chris Cooper.

Who's Chris Cooper?

He's an actor.

He's an American beauty.

The neighbor dad.

Who's a Nazi, but he's gay?

Michael.

That's a plot of American Beauty?

No, the plot is that there's a weird boy next door.

Where's a gay Nazi?

Annette Bennings cheating on Kevin Spacey.

And then Chris Cooper, yeah, he plays a...

He's a gay Nazi, right?

Well,

I really just list.

He just says the name.

We're just working on

going through some of the characters you might see in them Hollywood picture.

Okay.

What are some other characters?

Jason Nugger.

Sean Gunn, actor.

Sean Gunn?

Yeah.

Zoe Seldon.

Shotgun?

Actor.

Zoe Seldon.

I know her.

She's hot.

Yeah, she's like Puerto Rican.

Sean Gunn is that is he related to Tim Gunn?

Tim Gunn actor.

Project Runway?

Yeah, he's an actor.

He plays himself in a lot of things.

Yeah.

He probably has an IMDb.

The black lady from 12 years a slave.

Actor.

Do you mean Lupita?

I don't know.

I don't really understand how to say that name.

I'm not even going to take a chance.

Lupita Nyango.

Sylvester Shalom.

Shout out to Sylvester and Frank, dude.

James Woods.

They got some good-ass political views.

Dennis Hopper.

I want some testosterone.

I want the HGH.

He's an actor.

They're all on steroids.

And a director.

He's on Shoo.

All of Hollywood.

Could we get steroids?

Nick?

He's a director.

Who is?

I don't know who you're talking about.

Dennis Hopper.

Is that who you said?

I'm just saying the names of some people here.

what article are you even on

this is this a different article you're just thinking these off the top of your head we're gonna get into that in a little bit here we're talking about all the some of the we're gonna go through you're on sci-fiwire.com

for

why

what are you even reading about i'll type in sean gunn to remember if that was an actor or not sean gunner yeah

isn't that sean penny there's that guy james gunn that lost that movie because he had bad tweets.

That's his brother.

But he's back.

That's his brother.

It's his brother.

Yeah.

How can we get HGH?

From kids with pituitary gland deficiencies.

Yeah.

My sister was on that as a kid.

Yeah.

And then the wrestlers in her school tried to buy it from her.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did she sell it?

I don't think she did.

Would have been smart.

It would have been smart.

Yeah.

Is that the only thing they tried to buy from her?

They didn't try to buy her a pussy.

Well, what about rent?

Yeah.

Well, renting is different than buying.

Did they try to do that?

Never.

I'm just going to answer that by saying that renting is different than buying.

Why are you hissing?

What is that dog?

I don't know.

That's the noise I make when I laugh about Adam's sister being pimped out to the wrestling team.

That's a dog from some cartoon dog that laughs like that.

Is it?

Who?

Maybe from Hong Kong.

Goofy?

Cameron, D.S.

actor.

How did you get into this?

I think it is.

I think it is

progressive

of you to call women actors.

What are women?

I don't know about the Hollywood Pickers.

What's your favorite Hollywood picture?

I don't know

I don't know I don't really have I've never developed the concept of preferences

he just sees the very concept of preference the only movie I've ever seen is Jungle the Jungle

Tim Allen and

Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Both of whom are actors.

Oh, is that the one where he's like a fake Tarzan?

No, that's George of the Jungle.

No, no, no, no, no.

Jungle of the Jungle was a part of that series of divorce movies.

Yeah, the single dad movie.

The 90s.

The feral children moved to the movie movie.

The 90s was big on divorce because everyone's parents was getting divorced.

Yeah.

You know, so they made all those movies.

For real, isn't there...

No, no, I think I know this.

He's like a feral child.

I remember he teaches.

Talking about problem child.

There's something called

there's a scene in that movie where Tim Allen explains the word obligation to his jungle son.

And then later on, he says that he is an obligation.

What?

Jungle Son.

Yeah.

Isn't he from the jungle?

Am I misremembering?

What's going on, Jungle Son?

Jungle Son is a good name.

Yeah.

That was the working title for the movie.

With the one about Jack Johnson.

Oh, no, for finding Forrester.

I've got a new son.

Draw the man now.

Directly from the jungle.

No, he lives in your neighborhood.

He's born and raised in your neighborhood, sir.

Yes, I believe so.

I'm teaching him how to play chess.

Is that the plot of that movie?

No, he teaches him how to write.

Oh, okay.

Well, he recognizes that he's an ex- What am I thinking about?

Finding Bobby Fisher?

Did I combine finding Bobby Fisher and Finding Forrester?

I think it's searching for Bobby Fisher.

Searching for Bobby Fisher.

Yeah, finding Forrester.

And finding Forrester.

Did Bobby Fisher ever get pussy or was he just too weird?

He turned into

an insane

anti-Semite.

He played chess so good, he realized that we were living in a giant chess game where all of the black pieces are being manipulated by the Jews.

The black pieces have been pitted against the white pieces.

By who?

By the Jews.

By the Jews.

Yeah.

It's just two Jewish guys playing the game.

It's so funny, though, that Bobby Fisher is like...

He was a guy that was good at chess, right?

Yeah.

So when he became an insane anti-Semite, people aren't able to do this

retro corrective bullshit.

Oh, and he was never good at chess.

Right, right, right.

Because he was.

Right.

Because he was.

He beat like a supercomputer.

Yeah, right.

You know, like, if he he was like a director, people be like, and his movies were shit.

I'm like, oh, am I allowed to think he's a good chess player still?

I saw this video of him, like, where he talked about how he was really into like his at-home workouts.

So he'd be like reading chess books and stuff, and then he'd just like put his feet on his chair and his hands on the ground and just do like 50 push-ups and go back to working on chess and stuff.

But he was like obsessively doing like body weight exercises in his bedroom.

Was he ripped?

I don't know if he was actually even that jacked, but I want to get jacked with bodyweight exercises.

Should I learn chess?

Who's the best chess player in the world now?

De Berbakov.

Yeah.

Yeah, the.

Still?

Still De Berbakov.

To suck me off.

De Berbakov.

Nah, don't they have computers that just can just smoke everyone at chess now?

No, all the computers have been beaten by the Russians.

No.

No.

There's like a...

I think there's a Scandinavian guy that's like young now.

That's good.

Who gives a fuck?

Fuck chess.

It's boring.

I don't know.

I think it should.

We should get back into chess as a society.

No.

Or at least celebrating the wild.

Does it make you smarter?

No, right?

What do you mean, does it make you smarter?

You have to be pretty smart to be good at it.

I guess.

Bobby Fisher.

You also have to be a fucking wild card, you know?

Do moves that the computer can never predict.

Look, here's a thing called Bughouse Chess.

Guess who plays that?

The Juice.

What happens?

And it's a popular chess variant played with teams of two or more.

You get a lifeline.

Dude, I miss Regis on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Yeah.

What a hilarious game show host.

I know.

He rules.

Are you ready for more questions?

Okay, there's a Pokemon named pikachu

and what color is he yellow blue red or green

dude i remember the damn are you sure that's your answer remember the regis collection of ties my man was wearing those oh yeah like jc metallic

my man was wearing those metallic hues you better believe i was I was very into the Regis collection as a kid.

I think I had a Donald Trump tie when I was a kid.

I absolutely had a Donald Trump tie.

But the Regis ones were because they were like shiny, dude.

Yeah, they were

Regis was dressed shiny as fuck.

Yeah, shiny tie, man.

What show was he on?

Heart the Heart or some shit?

He was on Regis and Kelly.

No, but I mean, prior to that.

He just had like a career.

I think he was like a presenter, like a talk show host.

He wasn't an actor?

No.

No, I don't think so.

Maybe he was.

I don't think so.

I think he's a personality.

What kind of guy is that, Regis Philippin?

He's Albanian.

He's Albanian?

What?

I know.

It's hilarious.

It makes me mad.

I always thought he was some sort of like...

I always thought he was some sort of WAP or like

Irishman.

Albanian?

What the fuck?

I know, dude.

It's fucked up.

Damn.

No, he's Irish.

No, he's Albanian, dude.

Philbin is like Irish.

He's half Albanian.

His father, Francis Philbin, was a U.S.

Marine who served in the Pacific, was of Irish heritage.

What about his father?

His mother Philomena Basha was from an Italian immigrant family.

Okay, so I was right.

So maybe they'll just lied to me and told me Regis was Albanian.

Regis is Albanian.

Stop.

Of

Abarishi ethnic Albanians from Italy.

Oh.

Oh, they're Albanian, Italian.

Yeah.

The lowest type.

Yeah.

Yeah,

an Albanian Anawaba.

If anyone says the N-word.

It's anyone meeting those people.

It's whoever meets a bad kind of person.

That's hilarious.

I think Eldis has family in Italy that are probably that.

They're like Carneys or something.

Gypsies.

Wow.

So he is, he's WAP Albanian.

Yeah, I guess he wasn't an actor.

I don't know why I thought he was just like a shitty TV.

How you doing, touch?

Well, I thought he was on like Hill Street Blues or something.

Like, I thought he was just one of those guys that was on,

you know, just shitty.

The same way that, you know, maybe it's just because I merge him and Shatner in my head.

That makes sense.

Shatner was on like TJ Hooker or something.

Yeah, TJ Hooker.

It's funny that that was just a job.

You just like

you were just a host of a show.

Like Carson.

Being a presenter.

Carson was never like a comedy presenter.

Well, there's Ryan Seacrest.

Yeah, he's never done shit.

Yeah, but he's one of the few guys that does that.

Yeah, I can't imagine if you have a career where you're just the host of the show.

You know what I mean, though.

Like, this is a dumb show.

You host like a million different shows.

Yeah, you're just not just one show.

We could host a million shows.

But you become like a professional host.

We're all going into children's entertainment after this.

I'm hosting the Kids' Choice Awards next year.

I don't know.

I guess this is best

music or something.

This is the best actor unmolested division.

I just want to say Dan Schneider is a pedophile.

Just kidding, everybody.

It'll be funny.

They let Norm McDonald host the Kids' Choice Awards.

Wow, yeah, this show is so good.

I bet the actors weren't raped by Dan Schneider.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding with you, folks.

Yeah.

Just messing around.

Yeah, his Espies model.

His Espies rocked, yeah.

There's a close-up of young Peyton Manning in there.

Peyton Manning, by the way,

he probably, didn't he put his ass on a woman doctor or some shit?

It's pretty funny.

I mean, it's fucked up.

Wasn't that Brett Favre or no?

He sent a dick out there.

No, Brett Favre sent his little penis out there.

And his dick kind of looked like mine, honestly, so salute.

He got a tight foreskin?

He's got a little dick.

That's pretty cool.

Does he have a tight foreskin?

No, he's chopped off.

His cock is chopped off.

Then how did it look like yours?

It kind of was skinny in the same way.

And kind of

curved.

In the middle.

The middle gets skinny?

Like a chess piece?

I guess the base is thick,

and then the top,

it doesn't really taper that much,

but there's maybe a divot in the middle of my cock.

I've been told I have a pretty cock,

but not large.

You don't have a pretty cock.

It's aesthetically pretty cocky.

You don't have a pretty cock.

How do you know?

There's just no way.

You haven't seen it all torqued up before?

There's no way it's pretty.

It's a nice birthmark on the skin.

It's probably fine.

That sounds bad.

No, it's a cute birthmark.

No, it's cute.

Maybe that's of skin cancer.

I could see your dick being cute, but not hot.

Cute.

Your dick is cute, but it's not hot, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Do you think Adam's cock is hot or cute?

Pretty.

What do you mean?

It's right there, the microphone.

Your microphone's right there.

These guys are going to again okay

nick just went to pee guys

i tell you i really enjoy pissing what the older i get the more i enjoy what about it i don't know the flu the sensation have you guys ever had a hemorrhoid no i think so i think i might have one right now

i think so because i shat blood and i thought i was gonna die but then i didn't

So that's I thought it was just a sore on your asshole

from sitting on the toilet too.

No, you got herpes.

Because I take, no, because I shit.

My man got herpes on his asshole.

No, it's my ass hurts because I take a shit, like three shits of that.

Yeah, you got herpes.

When I'm really shitting, my ass starts really hurting.

I shit so much.

Yeah.

It's probably not good.

You got a bad diet.

Just Adam going to the gynecologist and sitting with his feet up on the stirrups, upside down.

Well, on his belly.

I'm sure you're aware already, but you're gay for starters.

For starters, you're gay.

They can't tell you.

They can tell you that.

They can.

No, it's against the law.

You're right.

They can't tell you, but they know.

It's against the Hippocratic Oath.

It was against love.

It was against love.

Having gay sex.

It's against the law to be gay.

It's against love.

Nobody tell my dad that I'm going to be.

Mama got home and stuck her dick inside of my asshole.

Oh, fuck.

I said, look out now.

Put my dick in your ass.

Put my dick in your ass.

They put her dick.

She put her dick in my ass.

She put her dick in my ass.

It's the American way.

I'm an American faggot.

Oh, I'm the kind of faggot from America that, you know.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Paul Simon.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Penis and the cocksuckers.

Ladies and gentlemen, Adolf Hitler.

If I was hosting SNL, I'd do that.

Yeah.

You know, a lot of people don't know this, but all those videos of Hitler speaking are fake.

Really?

Dubbed over it with German.

He actually sounded a lot like Frank Sinatra.

Yeah.

He had a gorgeous voice.

Yeah.

I tell you, people,

if there's one thing I can't stand, it's this June.

It was his beautiful voice.

How How are you doing, folks?

It was like a lot of fun.

That's how he

did a lot of bad stuff, but you have to admit he had a beautiful voice.

All those videos doctored and sped up.

He's usually taking his time.

He's not twitchy.

Beautiful.

It is funny that Hitler was just basically on Adderall.

He was on like amphetamines?

Everyone was on.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's pretty funny.

And

he was was just yipped up about have sexamines.

Freud did bumps all day, I think.

Just a little bump.

Where do you get the good shit?

Where do you get the poured from in fucking France?

What is that?

Is that cocaine?

Yeah.

It was everywhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was like, it was like an

general or not a localized.

I want to move to Colombia

and just smoke.

Smoke cocaine all day long.

Smoke it?

Smoke it?

I thought you just chew the little bit.

Like a little Panama hat and make little cocaine cigarettes.

Stop fucking clawing my ass.

She likes it.

I don't.

She likes clawing you.

I don't like it.

I'm delicate.

Stop rubbing your little pussy all over me.

Your cat wants to fuck me.

What are we going to do?

You're going to smoke cocaine?

Yeah.

Like crack?

No, you just put the cocaine.

You take coca leaves and then you roll those into a little cigar.

But then you sprinkle cocaine in it, also.

So, you use the leaves of the cell.

Yeah, my pan and my hat.

It's slowly turning into the picture of that guy who forced the stewardess to wipe his ass.

If I can look like that

in 60 years or whatever, however long it takes to become that guy, I believe in you, bro.

I love that guy.

You could do that in 20 if you really wanted to.

We've got to find a bit to close this out on.

All right.

yeah, I can't really think of anything.

Let's see, it's a nice day out, it's a nice day out.

I missed the orchid show at the botanical garden.

Oh, no, I know.

I didn't go to the car show this year either.

Wow, I think I said that last time.

What are you gonna do?

You gotta, we gotta take you to a nice event, dude.

Yeah, I gotta, I gotta find an event.

Maybe go see the gorillas,

the gorillas, the band, no bump at the

broken,

nickscape, bump,

Nick's game

sucking on a dick because Nick is fake and he wants to fuck my penis and they fuck my oh the gorillas yeah the gorillas there was like I didn't think about the Z at the end and I'm like who the fuck are the gorillas I'm like how do you both know this band and I have no idea what you're talking about I'm like I guess I'm a little Nick's game

that's weird

it's weird because I don't actually know that band but I just looked it up, and it turns out only gay guys know who that band is.

No, that's not true.

Yeah, it's not a good idea.

Hold on, I just

look at the search engine.

No, I was wondering why I didn't know what that band was, and I looked at Adam.

I just checked the search engine Nick used to find that out.

What is it?

It turns out it's actually...

What search engine was it?

I can't tell you, but what you look at.

No, you got to tell me.

No, so I know just in the future.

Well, let me finish my statement.

That search engine,

it tells guys with a little dick the opposite of the truth.

Oh.

So it told you that I was gay?

No.

Because you have a little dick the opposite of the truth.

Google opposite.

I've heard of it.

I've heard of that.

Yeah, yeah, it was Google opposite.

But you said you.

So you used Google opposite, and because you have a little dick, it told you that I was gay.

I didn't use it.

Whereas my dick isn't small.

I didn't use it.

I saw that you used smaller.

I used it because my dick isn't small.

It told me the correct answer, which is that the gorillas is the baby gay people.

I just knew about it.

He saw that you.

Your honor, I rest my case.

He didn't look on his search engines to see what kind of search engine you were using.

He just looked at your phone and he saw Google Opposite.

Thank you, Adam.

Why would he look at a Google Opposite?

Why would he search on Google Opposite to say which search engine was?

Sorry, but your Jew friend won't be able to help you.

This is a slam dunk.

This is what they refer to as a slam dunk case.

No, it isn't.

Bitch.

Yeah.

It'd be nice if, like, you know, that

was

the Kobe Bryant rape trial or whatever.

If either the prosecutor,

the prosecutor, the defense attorney was like,

in this instance, I regret using the term a slam-dunk rape case.

But that's very much what we're looking at here, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a slam-dunk rape case in both the fact that we have a basketball star who performs slam dunks at his job.

For a living.

But

this is also a very easily provable

rape.

Rape.

That'd be fun.

I love watching actual footage of real prosecutors, and you realize they're all just dumb as shit.

Or at least they're not good at talking.

Yeah.

You know, not like in movies.

No, not like in the musical Chicago.

Right.

There's never, can you imagine like a prosecutor trying to do the Matthew McConaughey a time to kill thing?

But then they're like weak chin.

Like

weird wasp features and like male pattern baldness.

A time to kill.

Mr.

Michaels, are you okay?

Are you crying, sir?

Are you crying?

Just give me a second.

Yeah.

That's why fucking Johnny Cochran worked their asses, dude.

That lady with that little draw.

He took them to church, you know, that lady with a little short jerry curl or whatever the fuck.

Marcia Clark.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the jury, if you don't mind, I will put on an instrumental of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Fives

I will be wrapping my closing statement I will be

to for my closing statement I will be putting on Atomic Dog in the background

Yeah, why must he be like that?

Why must he chase the cat?

It's nothing but the dog in my client, ladies and gentlemen.

He loves pussy.

Don't we all?

Are you going to deny him that right?

The right

to get pussy.

Everyone in the jury.

Who likes pussy?

Who likes pussy?

Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, y'all ain't gay, are you?

I thought it was weird when they...

Get a little slice of pussy.

I thought it was weird when they were barking at Christine Blasey Ford during her testimony.

I thought that was weird too.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the barking performed by Steve Harvey and his friends.

Steve Harvey showed up.

Indelible in the hippocampus.

12 guys that look like him is the song Atomic Dog by George Clinton.

And the barking noises being performed by Steve Harvey and his friends.

as they danced around me,

hooting and hooting.

All right.

You want to name some more actors?

No, I think that's fine.

I think we're good here.

All right.

We got some of the money.

Come see us in Tolana.

We got funny moms.

Yes.

Come town.Events.

Me and Adam have both, we're both tweeting and shit about it.

We'll probably post some more stuff about it.

But yes, please come see us.

Please fuck my ass.

And please fuck Nick's ass and can.

You will fuck my ass.

That's right.

You will rue my ass

for pleasure.

Was that a threat?

I don't know if that's supposed to be a threat to me or...

Rue my ass.

You will rue this ass.

All right.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

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