Ep. 152 – Early Turd Special

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Okay.

Rolling.

Let's just get started here.

So it's to catch a predator in Iran.

I like it.

And so it's like a Chris Henson that's like,

oh, how do they talk?

Take your time.

Take your time.

Why don't you have a sit over here, please?

Sit down.

You are online trying to meet a man.

We have.

No, there is.

You cannot leave.

the police are outside to execute you

the police are outside to push you off the building.

To catch a predator, Saudi Arabia.

And so we we have caught you.

This is all being recorded for live league.

This is a new T V show on Live League where we have a video of gay men

trying to break the law.

They're trying to go to jail.

And so we kill them.

Damn.

I like it.

Where else is it i illegal to be gay?

Um Texas.

Oh, shit.

Even though they got all those cute little hats to fuck in.

Oh my gay sexist lives in Texas.

Dude, some Texas is so big.

I bet you there's whole towns comprised of nothing but men having gay sex.

Just

romantic cowboy dancing?

Yeah, dude.

Square dancing, nude.

Go sit over there.

Nick's mad at his cat.

Nick decided he doesn't like his cat anymore.

It's not that I don't like it.

It's just like it's shedding too much and it's getting in my face every fucking two minutes.

I'm going to get allergic if it's around me.

Well.

Yeah, I think I might be allergic, actually.

I'll take it.

I was like waking up and I couldn't sleep well and then, you know, I like just moved the cat in the other room and it

felt great.

Interesting.

Yeah, I'm not waking up with my fucking eyes burning.

Yeah, you're allergic.

You're allergic.

Yeah, probably.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe you weren't even ever sick, dude.

Maybe you've been allergic to this cat this whole time.

No, I was definitely sick.

Wow.

Of your bullshit.

No.

What?

Wow.

My bullshit.

Drama.

Dude.

I'm sorry, man.

I'll never ask you to take a fucking salsa dancing class again.

I thought it would be a a nice way for us to bond, help the pod out.

Yeah, the James Bond, baby, when I kill you.

What?

With my golden pod.

Don't fucking kill me with like James Bond.

Fuck, dude.

We're coming in early.

This is Come Town AM, dude.

Yeah, this is our morning radio show, basically.

I'm having gay sex.

This might be the earliest pod we've ever done.

No, there was that.

It is almost 11 a.m.

That's early.

We should do mornings, dude.

We should do like 6 a.m., wake up, pretend we have a morning radio show, do fake traffic.

Prank calls.

Prank calls would be nice.

I can't imagine that shit, dude.

Dude, they imagine how hard of a job that is to have to fucking get up at like 5 a.m.

to go podcast.

Oh my god.

Like, people really don't give enough credit to

the guys that came before podcasts.

Our forefathers.

We have to the sacrifices.

We got to tip the cap a little bit.

Absolutely, dude.

To those who came before us.

I remember I woke up, I had a poster of Mickey and Amelia as a child.

Yeah.

And I said,

Thank you for your service.

You got a poster of them?

Oh, yeah.

Every day I would wake up and I would look at it.

Every day you would get a new poster.

Or get a new poster.

Different poster.

This is why your family was poor.

We have to spend so much money on Stavros' posters.

High gloss.

You know what I'm saying?

18 by 24s.

Yeah.

And I would hire professional photographers to make different pictures.

$70,000 a year at Kinkos.

Absolutely, dude.

Yeah, well, also,

the photography costs, because they don't have that many pictures of them.

It's a local Baltimore radio show.

I wanted a different picture every day.

So

we would do a photo shoot every three weeks at 98 Rock.

At 98 Rock.

And I would pay them for their time, obviously.

All said and done, it was $1.2 million.

Damn, your family could have used that for a lot of people.

They really could have.

Yeah, we were really successful.

I just bankrupted us

for my habit.

I would get Mickey different hairstyles.

Yeah, I would get him a pompadour one day.

Sometimes we would get frosted tips.

God,

life was simpler back then.

So, Adam, we decided earlier that you're going to carry this episode.

I'm going to carry this?

All right.

Oh, you did just see

two men talking.

Pause.

I went to Canada to see Pause.

Adam flew to Toronto to watch two men talk and not even say any slurs,

which is gay.

If you're listening to three men talk, for example, and they say slurs,

it's cool.

In fact, you should pay money for it.

$5

a month.

But

if you fly to Toronto to watch some guy who talks like Kermit the Frog and that one guy that looks like the penguin from

what's that kids movie?

That's right.

Mongolia.

No.

Mongolia.

No, no, no, no.

So it's Madagascar.

Yeah, take that.

Take that, Zhijak.

Kermit the Frog.

Fucking piece of shit.

What do we got here?

Kermit the Frog and some guy who looks like the penguin from Mongolia.

He does look like the penguin from Madagascar.

Mongoloid penguin.

I do fuck with him, though, because he's just got a wild speech impediment.

It's an accent.

No.

That's a speech.

No, Zhijak, yeah, he has a speech impediment.

What's the speech in Penn?

He talks like Leech.

Yeah, there's too much saliva in your mouth.

That's just his language.

Oh, yeah.

We're Slovenian.

Every Slovenian talks like that?

Yeah.

Have you never heard the language?

No.

No.

Just a bunch of people talking like Lee.

It was funny at a certain point.

He turned to Jordan Peterson.

He's like, maybe you could tell a joke the next time you talk.

Damn.

And Peterson just breaks it.

I'm gay.

I'm gay, and I don't know what to say.

I'm incredibly gay.

So, like, are your Peterson heads like upset about that?

Yeah, it was weird.

Like, I'd say three-quarters of the room was Peterson, and then one-quarter was, like, either Žižek or wanted to laugh at the whole thing.

And by the end, like, JP's guys, like, had given up on him.

Damn.

Why?

They were going him at the beginning.

Because it was clear, like, he was just out of his element.

Yeah.

My man just wanted to make a payday.

I bet he got paid a nice fat amount for that.

And he's just, like, a clinical psychiatrist or psychologist.

What I want to see is Jordan Peterson versus Floyd Mayweather.

Me too.

That would be good

for public intellectualism and also the sweet science.

Absolutely.

Across promotional.

I love it.

It'll help everybody.

It'll help absolutely everyone.

In boxing or debating.

I don't know.

And then after that, we're going to have

Christine Hoff Summers fight a pit bull

or raise awareness of both dog fighting and bitches.

Who's Christine Hoff Summers?

I don't know, some bitch that debated Roxanne Gay in Australia.

They made Roxanne Gay fly all the way to Australia.

That must have been hell for her.

Yeah, only one seat.

She probably complained about it, right?

I don't know.

I mean, it seems like the only thing I saw from that is

they played a video of like Muslim guys pushing women around.

And she's like, you're okay with this?

And she's like, Roxanne Gay was like, it's not our place to tell them what to do.

No.

Yeah.

That's her take on.

That's Roxanne Gay's take on pushing women.

Yeah.

You know what they should have showed?

A video of Muslims pushing around fat women.

No, it said it's not her place.

It's not like the place of feminism in the West is to critique Western culture.

It's not intersectional.

But I bet you she would have been mad if it was a fat woman getting pushed.

Probably.

That's where her loyalties lie.

That's the thing.

You don't know.

They're wearing all those clothes.

That's true.

They could be fat as shit.

They're covering Patagonia stuff.

Damn, dude.

Are debates back?

Yeah, debates are back, dude.

We should start the Come Town Debate Series.

Lincoln Douglas-style debate series all over this country.

Fireside chats.

Fuck.

Okay, could we trick Tom Myers into doing a debate with

or you know what we could do?

Mike Diesel, dude.

we could probably pay Mike Diesel to debate someone is he alive

probably

we should yeah we should track him down we should actually just get him for the pod that is true he has been a legendary presence on this podcast there used to be shows where people just talked sat around and talked like smartly what was it called firing squad

no no no like the um what's that show you always talk about nick like james baldwin will always be on a show and shit the mclaughlin group No.

McLaughlin group.

The other one where there's a g oh fuck.

God damn, dude.

I'm so stupid.

Meet the press.

No, no, no, I know meet the press.

You always bring it up.

Schumann Capote would be on it sometimes.

Meet the

meet the breasts.

Meet the breasts.

Now that's a shot.

Get behind it.

Meet the breasts.

It's very nice to meet you.

Oh, I'm Shantae, the breasts.

About press the meat.

Press the meat.

Put your face up in the titties.

Oh, I was thinking it would be like you

punch a cock.

Mind your own business.

Cat, please, we're talking about press the meat right now.

Entertain yourself somehow, please.

We have to finish talking about this.

Please just find a way to be on your own.

We haven't even talked about whether, you know, the meat could be a cock or a big fat pussy.

No, no, no.

It doesn't just have to be titties.

Well, you're right.

Literally, since the last time we were here, the cat has got.

Now the cat has attachment issues.

Yeah.

damn here chase this laser chase the laser cat put it on adam's cock dude no you know my cock's allergic

there we go the laser seems to be working oh no

here i'll do i'll be on laser dude no stop put it on his cock stop it guys there's a sniper put it on his cock no stop shining the laser you're putting it in my eyes

i'm doing it on your nose i'm trying to just get it on your nose well it's a big target

I'm thinking rhinoplasty, guys.

Yeah, you're going to get a cute little nose job.

A little bunny nose.

A little cute, adorable little Gentile's nose.

A little girl's nose.

Is that annoying?

Yeah, it is incredibly annoying.

I would think it's a good one.

He's been shining a laser directly in Adam's eye for about 30 seconds now.

I just want to know if it's annoying.

Annoying.

I'm just checking to see if it's annoying.

You don't have to get angry at me.

I'm just checking.

No,

do not put it on my cock.

The cat is looking at my penis now.

Stop it.

Hello, cat.

I wish I was a sniper.

Instead of a fucking gay podcast asshole.

Sorry, dude.

Isn't this gay podcast bullshit?

Sorry, we're gay podcast assholes, dude.

Instead of sniping.

You could still be a sniper, dude.

Yeah.

You got those militias now.

Chris Kyle didn't start sniping until he was 27.

Really?

So I got some time left.

Well, yeah, you got negative three years left.

Yeah, I guess I'm 30.

You know,

he didn't join the Navy SEALs until he was 26.

So I got plenty of time.

Plenty of time, yeah.

Because before that, he was just gaming on his couch.

Yeah, he had never even heard of sniping.

Hadn't held a gun once.

First day on the job, 27 years old.

They're like, go ahead, try and kill some, practice on these children.

That'd be nice, dude.

It's so funny that that guy got murdered.

It really is good.

It's hilarious.

If that happened to every veteran, I'd laugh.

Every single one of them.

Every first responder.

If you're a paramedic.

Not Pete Buttigig.

If you're a paramedic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You count as a veteran.

I hope you get what's coming to you.

Who the fuck do you think you are, man?

Putting people in ambulances and shit?

Yeah.

You think you're better than me?

Ruining their lives with a $32,000 bill for driving six blocks.

Yeah, why is it so expensive?

Good question.

Dude, can you imagine Adam in the back of an ambulance and like a walk?

Yeah, he sprained his ankle, but as soon as he gets in the ambulance, they're like, he's going into cardiac arrest.

We're losing him.

Boop.

They're like, that's another $20,000.

No.

Let me out of the ambulance.

That sounds like hell, honestly.

It does sound like hell.

Yeah.

Can't you take an Uber to the hospital?

Yeah.

Take an Uber XL.

Lay back in that Lincoln Navigator with fucking blood coming out of your cock.

Oh, yeah.

That probably sucks for Uber drivers if someone should get an ambulance.

They're like, I don't want to spend the money, and they just bleed all over your Uber.

Yeah.

Yeah, but then you get that sweet damage fee.

Oh, yeah.

You get $50, dude.

Is that what it is?

No, it's like $300 or something.

Some Indian guy charged me $100.

I get like a damage fee, and there's no

description of the damage, nothing.

No.

Disputed it with

Lyft.

I was like,

there's nothing.

It just says damage.

And then they said they reversed it.

Oh, nice.

Give me my money back.

Respect to that guy just attempting it.

Yeah.

He's like, oh, we'll see.

Maybe they don't pay attention.

Yeah, I'm going to check real quick.

I'm going to just take a check and see if

take a shot, dude.

That's $100.

Tim Miller used to do that joke about

how he's like, how is it that every six months somebody's getting caught groping women on the subway?

Like, that's your plan, but you didn't even check to see if other people had tried that already.

You've just done a pack training.

You'd be like, you just see if I can.

Grab a little.

Okay, I'm going to jail.

Okay, I'm in jail now.

All right, yeah, no, they got me.

They got my ass.

Let me just see if I can just touch this bitch.

Let me just touch a titty real quick.

I'm going to try to just touch this bitch real quick.

On a packed train, sometimes you're basically cuddling with a stranger.

So what's the difference?

You know, at that point,

it makes more space sense to put your hand on a titty.

Yeah.

Because the surface area is smaller.

Shout out to that guy that died in Thailand after forcing the flight attendant to wipe his ass.

That guy died?

The fat guy?

Yeah, the fat guy died.

Salute to a hero, dude.

All you need to know about that guy, you just look at him.

Look at him, asked to get his ass wiped, went to Thailand.

Yeah, he had some job doing like tape backup for the city he lives in, like working in like a data center.

Hilarious.

Yeah, but I mean, I don't know.

I'm constructing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been watching that show Mind Hunter.

And so I'm one of those guys.

You're hunting right now.

I'm hunting his mind.

What is Mindhunter?

You know exactly what it is.

Is it like paranormal?

Two people finding ghosts and stuff?

Sure.

It's people finding ghosts.

Yeah.

It's one of those shows.

I can't tell.

I guess I'll never know.

I guess you'll never know.

It's actually not bad.

Fincher directed the first episode.

David Fincher?

Yeah.

What other Fincher would you have guessed?

David Fincher.

Yeah.

That's it.

It's the only one I got.

I was going to think of another one.

Nicholas Fincher.

Is that a guy?

Yeah,

he's a musician.

What kind of shit does he play?

Songs about kissing guys.

That's how I know.

Is that your favorite guy?

That's your favorite song.

When a man loves a man.

When a man sucks a man's dick,

it's an abomination under God.

And it makes me sick.

Yeah, I liked it.

You know,

when they're wheeling him off the plane.

And, like, they censored his face in some images, but there's one that's directly on his face, and they don't even bother censoring it because his, like, his

facial features are so small

that they just kind of disappear behind his, like, creepy glasses and mustache.

Yeah.

And it makes him look so sinister.

Yes.

I mean, he was definitely in Thailand to have sex with children.

Yes, of course.

I mean, there's no way, right?

Yeah, there's no way he wasn't.

No, that guy does nothing but like just masturbate the slave porn

and post on Craigslist.

and then he's probably into, like, you know, I don't know, fucking, he has some weird hobby.

Yeah.

Like

miniatures, miniature battlefields.

Oh, yeah.

Though miniature battlefields is nice.

Yeah.

That's a twofer right there.

I kind of want to get into that.

Yeah.

Why?

Because you want to.

Yeah, one of those magnifying.

You've never had a hobby in your life.

Well, hold on.

No, I've had a hobby.

And hold on, Nick.

Maybe Adam wants to be into battlefields that are the same sizes as Dick.

Yeah.

Miniature.

Well, if it's a miniature battlefield, it would be still pretty sizable.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Those battlefields, miniature battlefields aren't to regular battlefields.

Because your dick is to he's talking about relative size of it.

Thank you, Nick.

He's saying your dick is the size of a three and a half inch figurines dick would be.

Yes, exactly.

And you know, when my friend Nicholas puts it that way,

you gotta laugh.

The one with a

fucking You've never had a hobby.

You pulled down a fucking little toy's hobbies.

Little toy's pants in his cock the same size as well.

You were pretending to play guitar for a little bit.

Guitar?

No, but you were just pretending.

I wasn't pretending.

You bought the guitar and it's never been used once.

Oh, yeah.

You bought the guitar for the love of haggling.

Yeah.

Listen.

That's your hobby.

I do like haggling.

I like

sports isn't a hobby.

A nice customer service game.

What, like playing sports or watching sports?

Watching sports.

Playing what?

I mean.

Nah, watching doesn't count.

Well, I guess...

Sort of.

Depending on how information is.

I guess, yes.

Technically, it's a hobby.

But I mean, like, doing something.

An activity short.

Like, jigsaw puzzles would be a hobby.

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

That's pretty.

Going and like playing lacrosse once a week would be a hobby.

True, yes.

Sitting on your fucking couch and like being like, oh, damn.

You know, like, that's not.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Oh, damn.

You know,

being excited by things.

I do that.

I'll admit.

I go damn when a cool thing happens when I'm watching basketball.

I've never said damn.

I go, ooh, fuck.

Sometimes I said, I go, ooh.

Yeah, it's an interest.

You have an interest in

interest versus hobby.

Now, who do the fucking intellectuals motherfucker?

You can put it this way.

Is there a lobby for your hobby?

If you can't go to a hobby lobby and be like, you go walk in the hobby lobby, like, can I help you with anything?

You can't be like, I like watching basketball.

True.

Be like, well, they have chairs.

Is your pair are you?

Yeah, they can pay you chairs.

But you don't do any of that.

You don't do paper-mâché basketballs.

That's true.

You don't do needle point basketball stuff.

Maybe he does.

He doesn't, though, because he doesn't have hobbies.

I have some hobbies.

Oh, look, all I'm saying is that you're a parasite.

No, I got other hobbies.

That's a big deal.

That's all I'm saying.

I'm just saying.

You make him sick.

Yeah.

With how little you can

just take from the world.

You never even consider that maybe you'll make a miniature battlefield and then fly to Thailand and make some woman wipe your ass.

So you're saying that guy's a fucking four-year-old boy.

I tried to find, because I wanted more information about that guy.

Yeah.

There really isn't.

But I guess on another flight years ago, he tried to pull the same move, and they're like, no.

So he just continued to shit himself at his seat

for the whole flight.

That's awesome.

Imagine the poor asshole sitting back in, dude.

Just an obese man.

First of all, you got the fattest guy I've ever seen in my life sitting next to you.

That already sucks.

Now he's shitting himself.

He doesn't just smell like shit.

You know when more shit comes out of his ass.

The smell keeps getting worse.

You probably see it, honestly.

Uh-huh.

How are you supposed to enjoy your fucking Biscoff cookies like that, dude?

I had an Uber driver in L.A.

that was straight up 600 pounds, and he was like the kind that you can't wipe fully.

Because his ass was so big.

Nice.

And it just, it was literally, it smelled so bad in that car.

What kind of car was it?

It was like a van, too.

The entire thing was just like, I had to open the window.

Like, I wanted to fucking throw it.

Well, your fat focus is ugly.

It's cool, dude.

What do you think?

It's ugly when you show yourself.

Real cool.

This man has a disability.

He's addicted to snacks.

I don't know.

I don't even listen to this story.

I know you don't.

Do you guys want to know more about Lacan or whatever?

Yeah, yeah.

What's that about?

Who's Lacan?

He sounds gay.

Is it a werewolf?

He's a psychoanalyst.

Psychoanalyst.

Sounds like a werewolf, dude.

Lecanthropos.

French thing.

Likos.

He was a psychology guy that had a bunch of shit ideas and then they became popular again.

What are his ideas?

That

everyone's gay.

Oh, pretty good.

He's just pretended not to be gay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That makes sense to me.

Yeah.

Yeah, this idea is.

That's what I am.

I mean, that's what a bunch of people probably are.

Yeah.

Not me, though.

I'm straight.

Yes, we're.

What?

Who the fuck is this?

So he's like, he's just like, but you just have funny imagination that if, like, we were all on a flight together

and that guy was like making flight attendants wipe his ass.

We'd love it.

You would still be the second worst passenger on the car.

It's true.

And it would, like, I mean, there wouldn't be much room between you and that.

Well, here's the thing.

Would he be asking for her to show some common decency to wipe his ass yeah yeah because then his guy would be on his side

it's common decency i mean first of all like i can't even i can barely fit in the fucking airplane bathroom right you know and i'm 75 pounds yeah 75 47.

yeah i have no idea how that guy jacked was like even getting in there right you know Let alone two people.

He's probably oiled up.

Yeah.

And they had to do a press conference with that flight attendant.

She like cried.

And she was hot, dude.

I'd be honest with you.

If I was on that flight, I'd make her wipe my ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd whip her.

I'd say, oh no, some shit.

I would see that.

Some shit got on my balls and cops.

I would see that fat guy doing it and being like, can I also.

Well, you did it for him.

One since we're doing, we've opened this up as a service.

Me just fully functional.

Yeah.

No problem with my body whatsoever.

I'd moving backflips into the bathroom.

And I'm like, I'm ready for my dick and balls to be wiped

by Miss Luau.

Dude, honestly, I'm fat enough where I could come I could pretend I needed it.

Which is what he was doing.

No, he needed to.

Did he pay for a first class ticket?

He was absolutely pretending.

Oh, yeah, I guess he probably wasn't.

Was he a coach or first class?

He was in coach.

He was in economy and then he complained that the bathroom is too small, went to the business class, and then demanded to have his uh

have his ass wiped.

What's that girl up to now?

You think she'll have sex with me?

Yeah.

I mean, she's dead.

What?

Yeah.

We have to avenge her.

She jumped out of the plane.

Yeah.

Dum-dum.

So, um,

what else is in the news, guys?

There's a Sri Lankan terrorism attack.

What do you guys think about that?

What happened?

They bombed

their four bombs that went off.

Yeah, ISIS did it, and they said it was revenge for

the New Zealand shooting, which was done by a white supremacist, and then they blew up a bunch of

Indian Christians.

God damn.

So it's like, man,

that New Zealand shooter just fucking just swished.

He caught some more bodies.

He really, yeah, that was a lot of fun.

He caught 500 or 300 more bodies.

He's probably smiling so hard right now.

He's just a white supremacist.

He wasn't Christian.

Right.

He wants more brown people dead.

As many brown people dead as possible as far as what he wants.

Yeah.

What's he in jail?

No.

Get off.

He's in heaven.

Do they kill him?

No, he's in heaven.

Which is what they call jail in New Zealand.

Damn, dude.

Do they have jail in New Zealand?

Yeah, no.

It's sick.

Really?

Because the only crime they have is

wearing blackface on your

carton office.

Yeah, is disrespecting the hopper or whatever the fuck that stupid fucker.

That's a hockey.

That dumbass dance.

You know the lad talks shit about the gay ass dance.

They talk shit about our gay dance.

It's really scary.

No, they do a really scary dance.

It's one of the most impressive things anyone's ever seen.

If you talk shit about that fucking stupid fucking dance, people lose their minds.

And it's like.

I don't think it's quite as stupid as you guys do, but.

What, the dance?

Yeah.

The hot.

Well, Adam told me privately that he would beat up anyone that said that the dance was cool well i would i told you that i would beat up any maori person

no matter how no matter how big they are that's not true um no but i think they teach all the kids in school the haka because they feel bad about what they did to the yeah the maori

Of course, it's like that dumped shit about how we're supposed to be like, oh, the Indian headdress, it's not a costume or whatever.

And it's like, it's a fucking costume.

It looks cool.

I want to wear it and go to fucking, go to a music festival.

Yeah.

First of all, white girls look way better in it than if whatever your dumbass chief.

Some sort of

shit.

Who do I want to see?

Some 22-year-old with giant tits wearing something?

Yeah.

Or an old-ass, wrinkled-ass man.

Just some give me the 22-year-old with

just big,

like, soft titties

falling out of her dumb shirt while fucking paramores.

Oh, yes.

That's what I want.

That's what I want, dude.

Yeah, I want if anything.

My people love recycling.

Get the fuck out of here, dude.

We're trying to have sex with you.

You're straight horny, dude.

We're trying to have sex with this feather with this girl.

We're trying to stand by the sausage tent at Coachella and not talk to these people.

Have sex with this girl named Lee.

Her given name is Lee.

L-E-I-G-H.

Yeah, L-E-I-G-H.

And just this girl.

Wow, I thought that was Leigh.

I thought that was.

The softest pussy you've ever seen.

I've only read it.

I swear to God.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

First of all, give her her hat back.

Step, we know you came in here and stole that hat.

It has my name on it.

Yeah, you wrote that on there afterwards.

In Canada, they do a land acknowledgement before any public event where they're like, we recognize that we are standing on stolen land.

What?

That was stolen

from the first peoples of the world?

Give it back then, bitch.

Yeah, didn't you watch Trailer Park Boys?

Every episode starts with that.

That's how it starts, yeah.

How are you doing?

I'm Corey.

This is Trevor.

And, you know, we acknowledge that this is stolen land.

Corey, Trevor, smokes.

Let's go.

Smokes.

Corey, Trevor, suck my dick.

Let's go.

You know, we should do a episode of the city.

Some people are both smart.

I'm jail smart.

Yeah.

The Indians dress the fucking shit out of it.

Dude, that's so funny.

They do a land acknowledgement.

Yeah.

Imagine if someone fucks your wife and is like, I acknowledge this is Frank's wife.

I'm still going to get my cock sucked by her.

It's kind of analogous to how we don't really care about what we did to the natives and the Canadians feel bad.

And the Australians don't really care, but the New Zealanders feel bad and teach everyone that dance and stuff.

Yeah.

Do the Native Americans have any cool dances?

Yeah, dude.

Brain dances.

That's cool dance.

The brain dance?

Brain dances?

We're trying to get our dicks sucked.

That would be awesome.

If there's a dance you could do to guarantee you getting head, I would become a fucking trained dancer, dude.

We're trying to get head.

There's only one thing we really want.

It's not our land back.

We just want to get our dicks up.

They deserve it.

Honestly, if Lee...

Yeah,

that's how you should be able to get the headdress.

You have to put in a couple hours sucking.

Chief sucking dick.

It's like there's so many cultures where it's like, you're just making that language up on the spot.

I know that's not that's not a language.

Yeah.

You know, I think so.

You're probably right.

Absolutely.

If I had to guess, they just did not communicate.

It's all gibberish.

Now you're doing dish for dude.

Yeah, well, that's how it's called.

It wouldn't be funny if the Native Americans were just a group of

Scandinavian expats that came over to the Americas maybe like 40 years before Christopher Columbus and all them.

And then they're like,

Look at all this great land, you know, and they're just like on the beach getting tans and stuff.

And then other Europeans show up and they're like, shit.

Let's pretend we've been here for 500 years.

Yeah, dude, maybe that's probably what happened.

Maybe they'll go away.

Yeah, maybe they'll go away.

They were just on the beach.

No, that makes a lot of difference.

For 40 years, they just got really

a music festival.

We just came here to just put on a big music festival and create hats for big titty girls

with rich fathers.

And we have a perfect, We don't even need property because there's so much land here.

We don't need laws.

We have to

live in tents and make music.

I really hope other Europeans don't come and to make up a story about,

you know,

living on the back of a turtle or something.

Yeah, living on the back.

They used to fucking run their mouths about those fucking turtles and coyotes and shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, and just fucking painting stupid stick figures on them.

Damn, I wonder what a bison steak tastes like.

It's pretty dope, bro.

It's really good.

I've had bison burger, but I want a bison ribeye, dude.

But wouldn't it be like too, like...

No.

Like, aren't good cows the kind that don't move around a lot?

They just dude, I want to know, motherfucker.

You don't have to be a bad guy.

I feel like a bison is too like muscular.

You're guessing, though, aren't you?

I guess I am.

Be honest.

Aren't they dead?

We killed them all?

No.

The buffalo we killed?

They're not dead?

Who did we kill?

We killed Buffalo and Bite.

They're the same thing.

They're the same thing.

So my opinion is: I am gay now.

But there were like millions, and they're like gone.

Roaming the damn lands, brother.

Yeah.

Out on the something where the buffalo.

Out on the home where the buffalo roam or something.

And the deer in the antelope.

You can bet on which animal.

Can you?

Yeah, betthsi.com, or you can bet on which which animal will go extinct next.

Bet the si.com the premiere, animal betting.

Uh-huh.

Is it going to be giraffes?

Probably not.

Everyone keeps talking about bees.

It would be tight to just throw a katana in a way where it like spins.

Yes.

And then cuts off a giraffe's neck right in the middle.

That would be cool.

And then the giraffe's like, oh, shit.

And then the head like slides off, you know, like in Resident Evil.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That'd be tight.

That would be cool.

Or that, what's that movie?

The Cube, where they do it to a horse?

I don't know.

The horse, the fucking the glass plates

go through.

I got nothing, you know, the cube, yeah, the horse is like bisected and with like a bunch of glass plates.

I don't know it.

It's Bettheasi.com.

Bettheasi.com.

It's a German company

set up shortly after the

after the fall of the Third Reich.

After the war.

It was set up the auction off

Jewish paintings.

Anne Frank's stuff.

Anne Frank's ham taro collection.

Can you imagine what a painted girl?

How much boring shit she like if Anne Frank lived now?

She'd be like camming.

Yeah, probably.

She'd be one of those cam girls that has all that anime shit in the background.

It's like, we get it.

Her brows would look the same, probably.

Yeah.

She would keep the big brows.

It was cool when Justin Bieber said he wrote in her book, in her attic that he wished she was.

Just imagine like the Nazis searching a house.

They're like, Yeah, yeah.

No, it's a very nice house you have here, Mr.

Braun Heiner.

We noticed there were seven or eight windows outside, and it seems there's only six that we can count from in here.

Like, I don't know what

that could be.

It's just us living here as me and my wife.

So

it's not like there's any secret rooms or anything here.

And then you just hear like,

thank you.

Thank you.

Heinz Muela 27.

Kajing, Kajing, thank you.

What, what is that?

What noise are you making, Adam?

The Lovelant, Lovins

thing in her pussy that goes off.

For tip, yeah.

What's it called?

The Adam's little penis.

The Adam's little penis vibrates.

That's why.

That's how you keep bitching.

I don't really need to penetrate.

I just put it on the click.

Yeah.

Small but vibrating.

She dicks like a little hummingbird for her pleasure.

Exactly.

And you can bet on something also.

How about a coming bird?

And it's a little bird that hovers by your window and then nuts all over it and then it goes away.

How about that, folks?

God damn it.

And the coming bird, you can bet on if that's a bad thing.

Oh, yeah, you can bet on that at Bettheasite.com.

The premier sports book web betting site.

Been in business over 20 years.

Bet on if Anne Frank would be a cam girl now.

Yeah, bet on Anne Frank at BettheSi.com.

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And they got a

they got a cool mobile playing interface.

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They got an app and a mobile phone.

They got two shits for you, dude.

So listen, minimize my free cam's not going to be a bad one.

You can use it while driving.

Absolutely.

And they want you to.

Yeah.

Absolutely use it while driving.

My friend

Beth, she's a school bus driver.

And

she has an iPad that she's taped to her head.

And she bets constantly while driving.

That's right.

She's just driving that school bus around.

And, you know, people are like, hey, lady, what's the big deal?

And she's like, don't worry, the kids are retarded.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

If I get into an accident, not only do they already have helmets on, but...

But it might even cure some of them.

It might fix.

It might.

I saw a Christian movie with Jennifer Garner.

You know, when you hit a Nintendo cartridge and blow in it a little bit,

a car crash.

A little girl is retarded, but then she,

God helps her.

I would love it if I had like billions of dollars.

I would produce one of those Christian movies where there's a kid with Down syndrome and he prays at night that he doesn't have Down syndrome anymore and he wakes up and he's normal.

And they're like, Do you mean to tell me that Jesus did this for you?

He's like, Yeah, mom.

I met Jesus and he made me not have Down syndrome anymore.

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And, you know,

you know what I'm going to say, bet on, man?

I'm feeling the Nuggets are going to beat the Spurs.

Yeah, I think that they're back.

Jokic had a good game.

I just think the Spurs suck, Dick.

Oh, yeah.

And you can bet on that about the SM.

And you know what?

I'm going to say the Blazers in the Western Conference Finals.

Not to win it, but they're going to be.

I think I want to start a big campaign to change the name of the Spurs.

To what?

Because it implies being abusive towards an animal.

Yeah.

And then have that be the only team that changes their name.

In fact, you name the Redskins the extra Redskins.

Yeah.

You make the Cleveland Indians mascot more racist, but you change the Spurs.

The Cleveland Savage.

No, if you could do it so that that's the only one that ever gets changed is that suddenly

the Spurs is now the cowboy hat.

Just the worst name.

The Chaps.

It's just a guy's ass.

The gay guy.

The San Antonio.

It's the guy with the top hat on, and he's

got a top hat on, and he's looking over his shoulder, and his ass is hanging out.

Just a pulsating hole.

Just an inflamed pink asshole.

Yeah, well, you know,

the name was disrespectful to animals.

So we had to change it.

The Redskins, yeah, they're still that.

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Let's start this show.

Black Lives Matter

matter to whom

not to Indian Dennis Miller.

I'll tell you right now,

the Black Lives Matter movement is like if the Hammurabi Code was written by

Joseph

Sarzinia

if Sultan Mehmed IV

wrote a reply letter to the Zaporizhian Cossacks

and he said that is what the Black Lives Matter would be.

Right.

He said,

I have never seen seen such

insolence

since Kubla Khan rode into.

I don't know.

Hey, man, it's done.

You don't have to prove anything else.

Indian Dallas Miller's good enough, man.

It is one thing I gotta prove.

Yes, I know how to get my dick sucked.

I know how to do it.

Stop doing it to the cat now.

What?

It's closing its eyes.

I'm shining on its nose.

It looks annoyed.

I'm glad she's minding her own business.

This is what you get, bitch.

Ah, fuck.

So, um.

Yeah.

So, what else is in the news?

You got Bernie Sanders said that felons should be allowed to vote.

Vote.

Let them vote.

They should.

I mean, that's such a dumb.

It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah.

It's never made sense to me.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like you have an inalienable right to vote unless you go to jail, Emma.

Right.

If you go to jail, guess what?

You're not freedom of speech.

You can't be any religion you want him to go to jail.

There's certain rights that you have unless we take them away from you.

It could be so minor in the grand scheme of things.

Yeah.

Like hitting a woman.

But they asked him if you were to.

What's the fear is that all of the pedophiles are going to get together and be like, let's run a candidate that wants to make child porn legal.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, they are saying that.

I'm sorry.

They had to take murder off the books.

We let the felons vote.

Let the felons vote.

They asked him if Jahar can vote.

Yeah.

Which

might mean that.

No, Jaher was born in Massachusetts.

I do agree that only whites should be able to.

If your name is almost Jafar.

They said the Boston bar.

If you said that.

I don't say Jahar.

But I think that it might mean that he might think that Jahar is cute.

He might be like one of those girls.

I'd fuck him.

One of those girls.

He'd be cute, trans.

People always ask those

fucking, like, you know, these hypotheticals where they pick the worst case scenario and they say, like, oh, do you think that should be how it should be?

And it's like, yes.

I'm not arguing that Jahar specifically should be able to vote.

Right, right, right.

It's that it's a dumb policy at large.

Right.

I hate that shit.

It is.

Of course.

And that's all dumbass politics.

Like this motherfucker,

Pete Buddy gay.

Yeah, you really got a heart off that guy.

I don't like him.

He sucks.

He's fucking.

He's just, look, he's cute, and he won't respond to my fucking DMs.

And I was like, do you want to be on contrast?

But, dude, gay guys all will let, you know, they all

gay guys aren't horny.

He seems horny.

He's the no, he's the, he's the not horny.

He's corny.

You're right.

He's corny, not horny.

He's corny, not horny.

If you're gay, it's one of two things: corny or horny.

He's just more into having like a husband, probably.

Yeah, that's true.

You know what I mean?

He calls him his hubster.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, you're right.

They go to Sonic together.

They shoot commercials.

That's it.

Like the two Sonic husbands from that commercial.

Hey, kids, I'm gay.

Damn,

should we do our own Sonic commercials?

Yeah.

I think Bernie Sanders should start dressing like Sonic to appeal to the youth.

He should just go around in a Sonic costume all the time.

Or maybe just blue body paint.

Yeah.

Fully nude.

Yeah.

I have always enjoyed Sonic.

The hedgehog.

That'd be cool, huh?

Adam.

Get off your phone.

Yes.

Apologize.

Apologize to your coworkers.

I apologize to my coworkers.

I apologize to all of come next.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Waiting on a

pack important email.

Yeah, it's so funny.

It's because it's like none of us ever have any reason to be on our phones.

I got a hobby that's about to email me.

Oh, yeah.

I was thinking about getting into medieval jigsaw puzzles.

What are those?

I don't know.

I want to get into the puzzle.

I had one when I was a kid.

I want to get into it.

It was like a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and it was like a 3D?

Like tapestry.

No, it wasn't 3D.

It wasn't 3D.

it was not 3d it was a regular jigsaw puzzle

and it was all like

like it was like i i don't know there was some like medieval theme to it maybe it was robin hood i'm not sure okay but yeah i fuck with robin it was all like tapestry art kind of shit

yeah

i think i would uh i want to design the new no notre dam notre dame uh roof because they're letting they're having open submissions for that it's like an international design competition I didn't necessarily go to architecture school, but I've always kind of fancied myself an architecture school.

You always think highly of yourself.

Yeah, I think that I have.

I think you're capable of doing things.

Here's what I'm thinking.

I have a design.

Never done once in a while.

Here's what I'm thinking.

No, I mean, I could do architecture.

What?

Make it a Discovery Zone.

Shoots and Loud.

Oh, that would be cool.

Yeah.

Port Discovery.

Port Discovery at the top of Notre Dame.

You know what I mean?

A little educational fucking maze you could go.

Were you going there every day as a kid?

Huh?

Were you going there every day as a kid?

Discovery zone?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Port Discovery.

Port Discovery, dude.

Every single day.

Is that a different place than Discovery Zone?

Yes.

It's an educational museum in Baltimore, in the heart of Baltimore, downtown.

I love the children's museum that we had in Vegas growing up.

You know what I love?

The fucking Franklin Institute in Philadelphia.

Never been there.

That shit was awesome when she was a kid.

Like a full sit, like it's a two-story sized heart

that you can walk through.

That's kind of tight.

Yeah.

It's like a giant heart that you can walk through.

Nice.

I'm reluctant to see.

There was a full-size train

in the museum that you can get through.

At the Science Center.

Yeah, they had

like a fighter jet you can sit in.

That rocks.

Yeah.

The science center in Baltimore, one time, I don't know what they were doing, like a cancer thing, and they had titties.

They had like breasts

you could touch.

Yeah.

I remember for real.

For kids?

Yeah, I don't know why.

It seems like one had like.

Did you not dream this?

This sounds like a a dream.

I think it's real.

I want to go to an aquarium.

The one here sucks.

Yeah.

The one, Coney Island?

Yeah, it's a terrible aquarium.

Yeah, it's not good.

Every time we're in Boston, I always want to go to the one.

Is Boston good?

Apparently, I've heard that.

Yeah, it's good.

Baltimore is that good shit, dude.

It is.

I haven't been there literally since I was probably six.

Me, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, we should go.

Next time we do a show in Baltimore.

The aquarium?

Why not?

Yeah.

Take mushrooms, go to the aquarium.

Yeah.

Have an inner harbor day?

That would be nice, dude.

Yeah.

That would be nice.

Go to Planet Hollywood.

Reopen Planet Hollywood.

We go eat it.

Fuck it.

Oh, dude.

For no joke, we should legitimately.

And I've said this to you guys before.

I used to love going to the fucking ESPN zone.

I loved ESPN zone.

I still have a card with like points on it that I'll never be able to cash in.

What, for like t-shirts and stuff?

No, just like because they had games and shit.

You would buy it.

It's like an arcade.

Remember the rock climbing thing?

Yes.

Did you ever do it?

I never did.

I was too scared.

Too scared, but you know,

that was stolen from us, dude.

We'll never become men.

That's the one thing we needed to conquer to have good lives.

No, we're stuck in

the infinite rock climbing thing, ESPN zone.

We're stuck in permanent adolescence.

Yeah.

We got to reopen ESPN zone, dude.

Take it back from Phillips, Yeah.

Who's some fucking bullshit seafood restaurant now?

Make it ESPN zone.

Fill me ups.

Fill me ups, dude.

Yeah.

Unlimited.

It's like in an oyster shell, but it's just come.

Ooh, that would be good.

Ooh, Adam's excited about that.

I would love that cum oyster thing that Stop just referenced.

But no, we should go to Baltimore.

We'll just fucking put a show together.

You know where I want to go that I haven't been to this summer is fucking Bush Gardens, Virginia.

Okay.

Have you ever been there?

Never been.

Best amusement park.

I'd go.

Yeah.

I'd go.

It's great.

We should listen.

Are there

scary rides?

Yeah.

Here's what we do.

Good coasters.

Here's what we do.

Are you listening?

Is everyone ready?

We get a week.

We go to Baltimore.

We go to fucking Bush Gardens.

We do a Baltimore show.

We do some weird Virginia show.

Bush Gardens is way down there, though.

It's like fucking Newport News.

Perfect.

Some shit.

Fuck it.

We'll do some random-ass parking lot.

I wanted to go to that one.

If they got Colonial Williamsburg down there.

We got it all.

Let's see it all.

We got to learn some shit.

Share and some bugs.

That would actually be fucking hilarious.

We spend a week, we go to Baltimore, we go to fucking, who care, we go to the aquarium, get crabs.

You know what I'm saying?

Make a day of it, do the auto bar again or some shit.

Then we fucking have all of my childhood vacations.

Literally, yes.

Let's throw in fucking Wildwood, New Jersey for my only American vacation where me and my brothers almost got killed on a teacups ride.

The fucking teenagers were working at just

let us get out, and then they started it again.

I don't know if I've been to Wildwood because I had family in Jersey So we would go to I think to the shore

Ocean City New Jersey LBI Yeah, I think ocean city New Jersey was the first place I ever saw a roller coaster nice and I remember being like this is insane

I was like I don't know like six or whatever just like

I don't know if I've been to Wildwood.

I think I've been to Ocean City Wildwood sucked dude me and my family stayed in one little ass motel room.

God, we were so fucking poor.

Why the fuck do we even take that vacation?

That was like my dad being like, Well, if we're not going to Greece, we're still gonna go on vacation.

Yeah.

And it was like literally there was five of us in a fucking two b two bed motel room in fucking Wildwood.

It's

a dick, dude.

Why didn't you just go to the beach for the day?

Just wake up early and drive to Ocean City and then drive home.

We should have.

We're one day.

But I don't know, my dad just wants to make everything my dad wanted to make everything like a big to-do.

Yeah.

And we went to the boardwalk, which was kind of tight until we almost got killed by the teacups.

I'm sure that's a good one.

You You got cornrows?

Yeah, I got cornrows.

I got my dick sucked at eight years old.

It was pretty tight.

It's pretty cool.

That part was cool, I'll admit.

And the guy was hot.

Thank you.

You ever knew Hershey Park?

Of course, yes.

I got mad that you couldn't eat everything.

Chocolate?

I was hoping all the rides would be made out of chocolate.

I straight up bought like the fucking 10-pound chocolate bar at the beginning of the day, and about half of it was gone.

Do you remember the sweet?

You were walking around taking giant bites of a giant chocolate bar.

I remember I got the, when I went there as a kid, I got the giant Hershey's Kiss piggy bank.

Yes.

Yeah.

And I don't think I ever put any money in it.

I just liked the idea of something that was the wrong size.

Yeah, I get that.

It was like a.

It delighted your fucking autistic brain.

Yeah, no, I really enjoyed things that were like oversized versions of other things or like smaller versions of other things.

Because it's the wrong, it's the wrong kind.

Yeah.

I don't know.

On a very basic level, you find it funny.

It's satisfying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It soothes you.

Like a giant remote control for a TV.

How about the big piano?

From Big?

Big, the movie.

But that's just a big keyboard on the ground.

It's not like an actual giant piano.

Now,

the Fry's Electronics in Round Rock, Texas, where the entrance is a giant piano.

Love it.

Okay, all right.

Yeah.

So

it can't be functional.

It's got to be for display purposes.

It can be functional, but it's just that was just a fucking bunch of keys on the ground.

It wasn't a giant piano.

Oh, there's actually like strings and stuff and hammer.

No, no, no.

He's saying it's a keyboard.

It's just that.

Ultimately, it's a key.

Yeah, it's not a bigger version of something.

It's a unique thing.

I think it's kind of a I guess because it's on the floor.

It's not.

To me, that did what you were saying, though.

As a child, I saw that.

I was like, that's pretty tight.

Yeah.

That's a big-ass keyboard.

Yeah.

I mean, I thought it was cool, but it's not the same to see.

I got you.

Thank you.

Yes, thank you for admitting it was cool.

Yeah, glasses, giant glasses.

Love those.

A giant pencil.

Those rock.

Yes.

I know exactly.

Now we're now in business

bringing you in on this.

I know.

Now I'm really getting to what you're talking about.

And remember, sometimes kids would bring those giant pens.

It was like Wacky Day or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

You could write with them.

Yeah, Wacky Hair Day.

So jealous.

I was so fucking jealous.

Truly.

Yeah.

I was so mad.

Where do you get a giant pan?

Yeah.

Where did you get that?

Come on, man.

Let me see it.

That's the wackiest thing I've ever done.

Let me see it.

No.

Yeah.

They would never let you see it.

Because they knew you would break it with your fat hands.

What are you going to do?

Eat it?

Yeah.

I thought it was made out of chocolate.

I thought it was from Hershey Park because I got a big Hershey's kiss.

I'm just staring at you.

Your pants are down.

Please.

Woo-hoo.

Where happened to my pants?

They've been down for two and a half hours.

You just didn't notice.

You were too fat to notice.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

I love the idea of a mid-Atlantic swing.

I want to get crabs, dude, outside.

Yeah.

All day.

Dude, I want to go to Bush Gardens Billiesburg.

The real colonial Billiesburg.

There's no reason we can't make this happen.

Yeah, what do they do in Colonial Williamsburg?

Ride fixies around?

Nice, dude.

Ride your Fixie around.

Dashboard Confessional.

Dashboard Confessional.

It's funny because you'll so rarely encounter somebody that says the Fixie thing.

Yeah.

You know, and it's like, I don't think anyone rides a bike anymore.

No.

It's just Ian.

Yeah.

And Jake.

Yeah.

I'll ride a bike sometime.

The Antifa bike.

The Antifa bike.

I'll ride City Bike now, though.

Jake and Tim Dylan are feuding they're full really yeah full feud why I don't know fucking somebody left a negative review for Jake's

podcast and they used the name Tim Dylan like to review it and he's like this guy sucks and then so Jake went on Twitter and was like yeah this is actually legitimately very funny Tim Dylan by the way is a piece of shit and

you know he's just like a fucking he's like he believes Fox News conspiracy theories and he should be laughed at every room and it's like Jake you know that wasn't Tim that wrote that.

That was just someone using the name Tim.

That's why they're fighting because

no, I mean, they've had beef for years, but like, you know, it's like clearly not Tim that wrote that.

Right, of course, it's some other guy.

And then Jake's went online and escalated it.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I don't think Tim's going to really respond because I don't think he gives a shit.

Right.

Yeah.

I mean,

online feuds are pretty little dickhead, I got to be honest.

They are.

I would say.

I'm doing this.

You guys can't see it, but I'm holding my

thumb and my index finger.

He's holding his actual dick.

Yeah, so put it back.

Put it back in your pants.

They're both lines.

I'm holding my index finger and my thumb very close together.

That was not me unzipping or rezipping my pants.

My penis is in.

Put your pen.

And my dick, by the way, my soft dick is at least three times as big as this.

That?

Three times at least.

Congrats.

Thank you.

I said at least.

It could be more.

I'm very confident saying three times bigger than this.

Damn, I'm ready.

I'm excited.

We should have a fucking.

It's almost summer.

We can go have an amusement park.

I'm telling you, we do a run like this.

I'm trying to chafe my thighs walking around.

Yeah, we got to.

That's just what I associate going summer with.

Well, going to amusement park is like, yeah, but then you just chafe your thigh, like, oh, I'm not fat as shit.

Yeah, yeah, you're so ripe.

My mom traveled.

My mom traveled with the fucking diaper ash cream

when we had those days,

I had to like the way you apply suntan I had to apply fucking diaper ash cream to my thighs throughout the day I would always be my ankles would always be bleeding that's still a problem I'm still constantly just like I don't have feeling in my heels anymore from like

from shoes from shoes yeah I just get blisters and I don't notice it and then it just like starts like that used to happen to me when I wore skate shoes yeah that happened when you first moved to New York I feel like because it's like even when you walk for a lot or in a day like you walk so fucking much here that I would fuck my feet would get the first like three months I lived here my feet were so fucking yeah I got planar fasciitis like the yeah the first like six months or whatever yeah

anyways this is a medical podcast yeah that's that's the shit that snapped my that's the shit that snapped on the button of my foot my planar fascia yeah just popped off the fucking bone the fasciitis thing is uh It's crazy because you'll wake up and your feet just like kind of ache a little bit.

And then as soon as you like step down from the ground, it's just excruciating.

Yeah, every morning, the first step I take is so fucking painful.

That's weird because every morning there's a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend's four-post bed.

Like, why?

I know it's not mine, but I see if I can use it for a weekend or a one-night stand.

The halo, yeah, you want to use it,

yeah, dude.

When she's like an angel that goes to bed and puts her halo

on the corner of her four-post bed, yo, Mike's having sex with an angel,

My boy's fucking an angel.

I wish that I could have Jesse's girl.

What if that song was about his friend Jesse's daughter?

That's probably what it is.

Who's six?

Oh, what can I fuck a child like that?

Yeah.

I want to get some very tiny pussy.

Hey, Jesse brought his daughter.

Yeah, this is my girl.

She's getting into fourth grade now.

What can I fuck a child like like that?

Where can I find a girl like that

in elementary school?

And you just know he's fucking her.

That's what.

And you just know that the cops would let me get away with it.

If I could just be that guy flying to Thailand

and getting my ass wiped and having sex with you.

I could have sex with that child.

And getting my fucking ass rebuffed by some dumb Chinese bitch.

And then I could have Jesse's girl and fuck her child in Thailand.

I've seen so many shitty stand-up bits about that song.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Like

there's some fun angles.

Yeah, it's like, you don't really sound like a good friend.

Yeah, if you've ever,

if you've ever analyzed song lyrics as a bit, kill yourself.

That is something

I hate that.

It's so weird when it's like, okay, let's say it's a song that just came out and you're doing it as a throwaway topical thing.

That's one thing.

But when people are like, here's a song that's 17 years old.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's from 1964.

Actually, I take that back because Casey Balsham had a funny joke about that Taylor Swift song where it's like something, something hit him with this sick beat.

You remember that one?

The one where she's fake rapping.

Something, they can't deal with this sick beat.

And then it's just like

literally just bullshit clapping for something.

Yeah, that one was that made me laugh.

That one's okay.

That one's okay, but outside of that, every other

one.

And it's like, yeah, I was listening to Dr.

Dre the other day.

It's like,

well, it's annoying when it's like someone, like, people were doing this with two chains for a while where he said something funny on purpose because he's very funny, and that's part of his appeal.

And then they're like, isn't this fucking stupid?

It's like, no, man.

You know, black people are all so funny.

Yeah.

It's like, it's so funny.

They're probably funny.

Well, I'll take it a step further than that and say only black people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right.

Yeah.

Like, yeah.

But they just it's so much of those options, like a white guy doing rap lyrics.

It's like I have like a

mental deficiency, and you're morbidly obese.

Like, that's what works.

And Adam's not funny.

So that's like how the Adam's.

That's why you back on me.

To be well, I'm just saying you're not funny, dude.

I'm not saying you're a bad guy.

I'm not morbidly obese.

Yeah.

You're like a normal guy.

You're what would happen if you threw a normal guy into this den of

sick.

This fucking, what is it?

Chest of broken core.

You know, me and Stav are the

me and Stav are the broken years that keep the clock right to time.

The clock strikes fun.

We keep the clock going.

We keep the clock cuckoo.

You know what I'm I'm saying?

You're just some normal, unfunny guy that we hang out with

to live a normal life.

Be like, damn, why can't we live Adam's normal, cool?

That's not why we do this.

I'm not normal.

I'm not okay.

I'm not real.

I'm not

okay.

I'm fucking.

I'm funny.

I have funny.

I'm gay.

I have hobbies and I'm funny.

That is pretty.

That is funny.

You're right.

Yeah, funny looking.

The twisted toys.

The twisted toys striking game.

Why are you guys being so twisted all the time?

Fuck, dude.

Who are you talking to about like your friend that

you told us the same story three or four times about how your friend who's in recovery said that the Joker is so important to the guys in recovery?

Yeah, I said it on the podcast.

You said it on the podcast, but you told us.

And then me and you were hanging out with whatever that friend was, and you repeated the story to them, and they were like, oh, huh.

And they kind of reacted like they had never said that to you.

We were on LSD.

Are you like grossly exaggerated?

Like, he's like, what are you impeaching a story that I told six months ago?

Yeah, no, I just

said, no, it's because it's related to the Twisted Toys thing.

I was thinking about the Joker, and I just remembered that.

Oh, okay.

I believe that that is, though, that that's true.

Yeah, because the Joker is a wild meme that you see constantly from those.

The Joker is important to the sober community.

I believe that.

Yeah, which is very, which was a very funny statement.

Yeah.

You know, in many ways, Adam, if that isn't true, that's actually a funny joke you came up with.

I know.

So, no,

it's something that I heard that I repeated.

But, no, but if Nick is right and that guy didn't remember, I was at the bookstore.

You wrote the joke.

I was at that fucking bookstore.

I'm feeling

yeah.

Anyway,

yeah, what else is in the news?

Chinese.

Chinese people are always up to shit, dude.

Chinese are at it again.

You cannot, every time I tell my friend, you can't trust them.

You cannot dress Chinese.

I put on a, in Chinatown, Toronto, I put on one of those Chinese pointy hats.

Wow, they got a Chinatown there?

Yeah, they got Chinatowns all over it, folks.

Oh, hey,

two plus two, eh?

That's really good.

Two plus two.

Or plus seven, eh?

Not even saying the answer, by the way.

Just saying the beginning of the easy part of a math problem.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

Not even solving it.

Yep.

There we go.

Damn, it's a beautiful ass day.

I'm about to go on a long ass walk.

It's a beautiful day.

I've been the absolute stepbrother.

Having gay sex.

I'm fucking gay.

Someone fucked me in my ass.

I'm fucking gay.

But I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm

the kind of guy who took a shit in his ass.

His own ass.

Yeah.

How would that work exactly?

I don't know.

That's what fat people do.

They shit into their own ass.

No, don't tell me what we do.

Well, you don't have a big ass.

But fat people.

I'm a fat person.

I know, but you don't have...

It's weird that your ass is so small, considering the rest of it.

Like, every other part of you got fat.

Not every part.

Not every single part.

Well, that's true.

I guess your dick and your ass didn't get fat.

Fat elbows are, you know.

They're fat.

You have fat elbows.

No, I don't have fat elbows.

Look, there's not a single line.

There's no wrinkles.

There's wrinkles.

There's nothing.

nothing.

There's wrinkles, man.

These aren't very fat elbows.

My fingers aren't that fat.

Look at my.

My fingers have some chub on them.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, we can see.

It's probably nice for fingering girls, though.

Yeah, a little heft.

You got some

skinny little fingers.

Yeah.

I got these sausage bowls.

Yeah, I got a

stuff four in there.

Yeah.

Just to feel like a...

Make her feel like she's

like she's being

touched by a man.

Touched by an angel.

Yeah.

Touched by an angel wasn't that is that the same woman from Dr.

Quinn Medicine Woman, yeah, it's the same show, it is yeah and and the black woman Della Reese, yes, yeah,

I drew

touched by an angel or both of those dr.

Quinn Medicine Woman would come on TV when I was a kid and I would be like

Shut up

I hated that show

It was just like nauseating.

I watched it a little bit.

She was just doing medicine in the old west.

Yeah, it's just such a fucking boring show.

It was like Irish.

I remember as a kid, it would make me feel like I was wasting my life to watch that show.

Your first taste of mortality.

Yeah.

Knowing that it was a final medicine.

That's why it's important.

Yeah.

Maybe that was the lesson.

Those were the daytime shows that I just couldn't fucking see.

They were nighttime shows.

I was surprised.

I would see it during, I don't know, whenever it was that that show would fucking come on.

Yeah, but then

because it couldn't have been on CBS, it had to have been syndicated on something else because I would primarily watch fucking

only UPN and WB and Fox.

Yeah, I don't remember.

I don't remember.

I think it was CBS originally, but I don't fucking know either.

I'm just saying that.

But, um,

what was I gonna say?

Do you remember that weird when she was in like Wedding Crashes and then it was like you could see like her tits and shit?

You could see her tits.

That was awesome.

Cell Larise?

No.

The other bitch.

Dr.

Quinn Medicine Woman?

Yeah.

You saw her tits in Wedding Crasher?

I think you see, like, a side titty.

I'd definitely beat off to whatever.

Even if it was a body double.

I've seen some tits.

No, you haven't.

Yep.

I have.

I used to joke that.

The title Dr.

Quinn Medicine Woman was the name of two characters, and that's why the comma was in there.

There was a man named Dr.

Quinn, and then some bitch named Medicine

who was just helping.

And Dr.

Quinn was always off screen.

Yeah.

That would have been a more realistic show, certainly.

My wife is in the hospital.

Jane Seymour.

Jane Seymour pussy.

Who plays Mike Quinn?

Oh, that's right.

She was the mom in Wedding Crasher.

I see.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot about CRTs.

Thank you.

Is that Jane Seymour?

She is hot.

Or is that some other old lady?

It was her, bitch.

All right.

Back off.

I don't know who it was.

Because I was very happy.

There's a generation of boys that was kind of found her hot, didn't and she was very wholesome.

And then she said,

Then she's in fucking wedding crashes.

And I think she fucked or was trying to fucking watch her.

She was trying to fuck Owen Wilson.

Or Owen.

Yeah.

Who was trying to fuck her daughter?

Which is my fantasy, right?

Three-way.

Yeah, mommy, daughter.

You want to fuck mommy daughter?

Mommy, daughter.

Yeah.

I don't want to fuck mommy daughter.

Oh, I want to be caught fucking the daughter and then the mommy to be watching,

masturbating and saying, you call that fucking?

Let me show you.

And I'm like,

What?

You know,

and then I bust, and then she's like, Oh, I was about to fuck you again.

And I was like, Well, I can get her

beating my soft cock.

I'm like, Listen, I'm a young man.

I'm only 32.

I can get a fucking boner again.

I can get two in a row.

They're slowly losing interest.

Like, you know what?

I'm just going to go back to doing the dishes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You blew it.

But that's how I like to fuck.

Nice.

Face down, pussy up.

That's how Adam likes to fuck.

Adam likes to pussy up.

Face down, pussy up.

He has a pussy in the air.

It's face down, ass up.

No, but you like

to fuck.

You have to have your pussy.

You contort yourself.

Yeah, you're face down and your ass up.

Adam has a girl's vagina that he uses for sex.

No, I fuck with girls' vaginas.

You're right.

He has a girl's vagina

instead of a penis.

That's not true.

And he has sex with guys.

That's not true.

Whoa.

Inflamed your ass.

You got his ass.

And you know what?

It's true.

It is true.

Everyone knows that.

Every single word is true.

How do you feel about that, Adam?

It just feels bad to hear it out loud.

Even though you know it to be true.

When it happens,

they don't say the words for what's happening.

But a gig thing you brought up.

Was it you mentioned last time that fucking Whitey Ford sings a blues song?

Did he make some kind of comment?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

That's how he thinks politics should have.

Oh, no, he said some.

There was some face song.

Yeah, that Whitey Ford sings a blues song.

What is that?

By who?

What it's like by fucking Everlast.

Yeah, that?

Yeah, yeah.

That's what he said.

Politics is like?

Yeah, yeah.

It was that song.

What?

It was an Everlast song.

Yeah, yeah, I know that song.

Man at the liquor store, begging for some dick.

That's ridiculous.

Come and his beard is dry and he hasn't had

Frank come in a while.

Maybe then you know what it's like to be fucking gay.

Everybody, how you doing?

My name is Whitey Ford, and this is Whitey Ford Sinks of Blues.

A retarded kid trying to read outside of the school.

Everybody's fucking laughing at him because he's dumb.

He's trying to read.

Maybe then you not know what it's like.

A Chinese lady trying to drive a car, but

fucking doing a bad job.

Maybe then you know.

He downloads the wrong version from Kazakh.

He's playing that one over the loudspeaker.

The lyrics had dumbass song in it.

Dumb man, I'm buddy.

Suck my neck.

You're right.

What is lying?

Fuck, dude.

I hate this bean back here.

Yeah.

I'm going back to the couch.

Man, liquor store begging for your change.

I just wanted you to know that.

I let you get a little time in the couch.

Maybe we could have Nick on the on the couch.

Yeah, so it's a girl that's home, man.

This is a girl that's pregnant.

They call her a killer.

They call her a sinner.

They call her a whore.

Yeah, it's a girl that got an abortion.

And that's what it's like.

I've seen a rich man beg.

I've seen a good man sin.

I've seen a tough man cry.

God damn it.

I've seen a loser win, a sad man grin.

I've heard him

honest manly.

These are the worst lyrics I've ever heard in my life, dude.

Because you don't like poems?

They're fucking brutal, dude.

That's awesome.

You know they thought they were being deep, too.

Yeah.

I licked a silver spoon, drank from the golden cup, and smoked the finest green.

That's sick.

What's wrong with smoking that?

And so, what I like, this song is about understanding other people's perspectives and having empathy.

And then halfway through, it's just about how he's like, yeah, I'm rich, and I've smoked good weed.

I've stroked the fattest dimes at least a couple of times before I broke their heart.

So he's like, Talking about, like, by the way, I get

pussy, I get

a lot.

But yeah, anyway,

yeah.

A sick guy gets hella.

I knew this kid named Max who used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs.

He liked to hang out late, he'd like to get shit faced and keep the pace with thugs.

Until one late night, there was a big gun fight, and Max lost his head.

He pulled out his chrome 45, talked some shit, and wound up dead.

Now his...

Shot himself?

No, I don't get shot in that.

He lost his dome.

A kid named Max.

So he's describing a wigger, I guess,

who left his wife and kid to get into a gunfight with thugs.

We like to keep the pace with thugs.

Yeah.

I've seen a guy with short hair get long hair.

Yeah.

And a guy with long hair cut his his hair.

Damn.

You know, like, think about that.

Think about that.

I've seen a Jewish guy.

I've seen a gay guy get pussy.

I've got a gay guy get fucked up.

I've seen a Chinese bitch drive a car real good.

I seen a a Jewish guy eat lomain, a Chinese guy eat salmon and law.

I've seen that.

I've seen a retard breed.

I've seen a genius.

Shit is motherfucker.

Maybe then you might know what it's like.

That is the fucking dumbest shit of all time.

Holy fuck.

What a horrible fucking song.

I've seen my dick get soft.

I've seen your pussy get hard.

I've seen a dick get wet and a pussy get hard.

That's philosophical.

I've seen the dick get well, I've seen the pussy get hard.

I've seen child porn a bit, but excuse me.

No, I'm just doing my song.

Okay, well, yeah, I'll answer your questions in a second.

Let me just finish my song.

I got a lot of money, I smoke good weed, and I got about your fat pussy.

I got broke a bunch of fat girls' hearts from getting too much pussy.

Maybe then you might know what it's like to have that little child punch.

Wait, what was that a party?

Can I finish the song, please?

I've seen a child naked, I've seen an adult clothes.

That's not even

obvious.

Even in your dumbass binary that you're doing, those don't even make sense.

Shut up.

Shut up, man.

I've seen a white man rap.

I've seen a black man do math.

Do math.

Fuck yeah.

Have

intergenerational wealth.

Yeah, in a in a intergenit in intergenitalia wealth.

Trying to get the gold out the pussy.

Yep, yep.

That's when I steal that's when I sneak a little hundred dollar bill in my foreskin.

That's intergenerational.

All my bitches got their pussies filled with jewels.

Rubies and

sapphires and shit.

Diamonds.

I said, The bitch come by.

I said, hold up, bitch.

Put all these motherfucking diamonds in that pussy.

Yes, ma'am.

Yeah.

Well.

Well, fellas.

Next, starting in May, by the way, last second.

Solo album, Whitey Ford Sings the Blues, which was released a full eight years after his solo debut and after he had a major heart attack, was both a critical and commercial success.

Critical success.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really liked how he says things are, he says the opposite.

I would love to read a review of that, being like, wow.

Yeah, I'm going to look it up right now.

Please do.

Yeah.

Pitchfork.

How old is Pitchfork?

I don't know.

Was it a rounder?

That album seems like it was pre-internet, though.

Bitch, your food is out.

Yeah, go get your food, you fucking dumb bitch.

Go eat your food, you little dumbass.

Waiting for Sings of Blues.

Score three out of five.

On Pitchfork?

No.

hold on pussy fork, uh, compared with 90 seconds

three out of five.

That's like a C,

yeah, brutally expunged, six percent, and he's singing the boys singing a raving vision boy tumbling stream of consciousness, boy, rapidly approaching middle-aged boy thing, but actually, this I can't make any sense of this.

I've seen a retard read or something, a genius,

God damn

what a good ass song.

Well, everyone that guy with small lips and

Chinese guy has got some big DSLs.

Yes.

Go buy that album, guys.

Let's make it number one on Spotify.

I just came up with a good ass song, man.

I see an Indian guy.

I get mad pussy.

I see an Indian guy fucking just get 19 phone numbers in a row

while some some Latin American guy gets called a loser through a drink in his face.

The Indian guy fucked all those bitches.

Would you believe I saw that shit?

Isn't this shit crazy?

Isn't that shit fucking whacked out?

I saw that.

Damn, this shit is crazy.

I seen a

handicapped man fucking dunk on a seven-foot-tall black eye.

Fucking put, dip, did a dip, move out of the chair, fucking used his arms to fucking dunk.

His legs don't work.

It's important you understand that.

But he's still dunked.

Yeah.

I seen a guy in a wheelchair get mad, fucking pussy, even though.

All right, well,

some of these lyrics are redundant, Mr.

Everlast.

I like that the chorus is just like, he doesn't even know how to link it.

He's just like, that's what it's like, man.

Yeah, no, it's true.

Yeah,

that's a great point, dude.

I'm just not going to talk the rest of the episode.

The episode, right?

No,

that's a good ass point to talk over there.

Had the chorus of the song, he's like, what's it like?

You know, he's like, he doesn't even.

Do one about how the opposite is.

Yeah, do an opposite.

I saw

what kind of opposite.

Whatever you want, man.

It's up to you.

I saw

a

Pakistani guy be a Hindu.

Okay.

And I saw an Indian guy be a Muslim.

There we go.

And that's going to do it for this episode, folks.

Starting in May, we're at Funny Moms.

We're doing the second, third, we're doing every Monday except the first Monday of the month.

So any Monday except the first of the month, we are there.

Come see us, and that's it, I guess.

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