Ep. 135 – Sopranos again

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All right, I'm eating pretzels on mic.

I don't give a fuck.

What flavor?

What flavor?

Splits.

I got something you can split.

Yeah, my ass cheeks there.

you too, Adam Psych.

Just my dick flying into your ass, piloted by Will Smith and Jeff Goldland.

It was just a second before it snaps shut.

After I've given your ass the virus.

I've uploaded the virus to your ass, and now my dick has to escape your ass cheeks.

Is that in the penance day?

Yeah.

Oh, nice.

Can we just see this woman's tits so we can close this episode?

We're watching the Sapruzzilianos.

Oh, come on, show us titties.

Yeah, the uh oh, she's no, she's loosening her robe.

It's the episode with the ginge bitch who helps Christopher with his screenplay.

Yeah, she's so fucking fine.

The ginge bitch.

She's not that fine.

Yes, she is.

Damn, she's really throwing him the pussy here.

She looks like a young, what's her name?

The other ginger bitch in Hollywood.

Why don't you tell her?

Julianne Moore.

No, she's better looking Julianne Moore.

Julianne Moore is hot.

Can you imagine how good it would feel to just smash her fucking face in with your fists?

No.

While fucking her.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because she asked for it.

Nah.

No.

Nah, you just had a bad day at work.

And that's your dumb Irish wife.

Damn, dude.

It's in your DNA, huh?

Nick, you're wearing the little Irish hat, too.

Damn, Scottish.

There's a trail of powdered sugar going from the recorder on the

carpet to use it.

It's not me.

It's Adam, motherfucker.

Because my mother, Venetia Halkis, was nice enough to bring the boys Christmas cookies.

Oh, hell yeah.

Here we go.

Do you see her pussy?

Yes.

No, you don't.

No, you don't.

I don't know she's wearing panties.

She's wearing panties.

I don't know what's on her.

You told me I was seeing her pussy.

I've never seen

pussies.

You told me I was seeing her pussy.

I've never seen panties before.

You think that's what a woman's pussy looks like?

Yeah, her pussy.

You rub your dick on her cotton-ass pussy.

Oh, is this cock inside?

Show us your tits.

Yeah,

damn, I gotta say, you see it.

Those are nice tits.

Those are how fake sex looks in movies.

The girls like making noise and shit, not just checking her phone.

Yeah, yeah.

I hate that fake shit.

Where you can tell the moment

the dick goes in, and she's like happy instead of confused as to why it hasn't affected her at all.

You know, like that kind of fake movie sex.

Oh, shit, dude.

I fucking hate that shit.

She's not.

In real life, she's playing Flappy Bird on her first team.

She's playing her DS Light.

She's in third grade.

Yeah, I hate that fake movie sex.

Pause the show.

I can't pay attention.

Yeah, it's over now.

Let's pause it.

Now that we saw TV shows, there's a second sex scene, I think.

We'll fast forward to it.

I don't know how to do anything.

Or maybe they were just

computer anything before.

Computer, turn off Nick TV.

Siri, pause the show.

That's not how.

Oh, I thought it worked, but Anthony was just pausing.

Siri, Anthony Jr.

Siri, turn the computer.

Anthony, why is your father bringing gay sex to me in my nursing home?

Shut the fuck up and just appreciate the gay porn.

I'm fucking bringing you gay porn.

Now you fucking repay me.

I'm just fucking bringing you gay porn.

Oh my.

Damn.

That's an ugly bitch.

Olivia Soprano is hideous.

Was she sexy?

She probably wasn't even that hot back in the day, even.

She was ass.

In the flashbacks, where Johnny, Johnny Soprano,

the guy's fingers off, she's a fucking fine

actress.

Oh, Olivia Nancy Marchand.

Oh, yeah.

You know her name?

She's hot.

Yeah.

Nice, dude.

She was the only person that

James Gandolfini liked.

Well, I mean,

not that he disliked him.

He probably liked everyone.

He had no confidence.

He had like an acting coach on set all the time.

And she was the only person that could, you know, make him feel good about himself.

Oh, really?

Now, I say these things.

I've heard them like fifth hand.

Yeah.

I have no fucking idea.

And it's so funny because if he were alive,

you know, and even this, I don't know, but like you hear one thing about somebody that happened one time.

They're like, every and every day he would eat a Hershey's kiss in memory of his brother who had who was killed in that Toys R Us fire.

Right, right, right.

The man just had a a Hershey Kiss to remember.

Right, yeah.

And

he would look towards the sky and he would say, this is for you, Joshua.

Hopefully you're not gay in heaven.

And he would say that every day.

Really?

He would make everybody hold hands and sing the theme song to Doogie Hauser.

Just hum the.

Because there's no lyrics to it unless you work in Hollywood and then you know the secret lyrics of Doogie Hauser.

Is that part of getting to sag?

Well, WJ, yeah, WJ, yeah.

I mean, as a guild member myself,

so you know the lyrics.

I know the lyrics.

I don't even remember.

Well, you know, I'm sworn to secrecy.

Okay.

Just tell us.

Don't tell anyone else.

We're not going to tell them.

He's going to tell me.

He's not going to tell you, Adam.

All right, I'll close my ears.

It's the Doogie Hauser Show.

He's a doctor, but he's also a boy.

And you thought he couldn't do medicine.

Well, you're wrong.

It's the Doogie How's Eur Show.

The actor turns out to be gay.

Yeah.

Later on.

Anybody with three names, either homosexual or they kill the president.

Yep, that's right.

This is the only two ways you can go.

James Earl Jones.

James Earl Jones.

Yeah, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Seymour Hoffman.

Michael Ian Black.

Oh, Michael Ian Black is.

Michael Ian Black's going to kill Trump.

Ooh, that'll show us.

Yeah, he's going to kill her and gay.

It's the moment we've been waiting for for a man that's been barely funny for 30 years.

Being carried his whole career.

Yeah.

A man who's never done anything that is even registered as funny to me.

He was on a lot of those VH1 talking hits.

I know.

Yeah, those were the best, Adam.

Yeah, those were so fucking funny.

Della was funny.

The state was funny.

I didn't think either of those were funny.

Wet Hot American Summer was funny.

I'm not a fan.

You're not on Wed Hot?

No, I'll tell you the best.

The

best movie

fucking Boston Rules.

You ever see that?

Boston Rules.

It's the best comedy.

Yeah, Boston Rules.

What are the rules?

Four guys, they go on a road trip from Boston to Quincy.

Yeah.

They must have learned a lot about themselves on that trip

on that 17-minute

fun, like

Newton.

They had fun.

Yeah, fun adventures and stuff.

Like at one point,

they're all hooking up girls in the dark.

Nice.

And then they turn the lights on.

And it's Michael Ian Black.

Well, no, and Tommy's like, Tommy's like,

Jimmy, fucking, look at this.

Pat just fucked a girl, and she's black.

I didn't know she was black because the lights were off.

And then the guy's throwing up all over the place.

It's just like a 14-minute throw-up scene.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Baked beans, pure baked beans.

Classic, classic

Boston Rules.

My favorite.

I love that one.

My favorite

boys-only comedy from the 1990s.

Yeah.

It's Tom Green,

Steve Zahn.

Yes, yes, Steve Zahn.

The guy from Dead Man on Campus that does that thing with his tongue.

Yeah, that guy.

Yeah.

The older brother in Boy Meets World.

Yeah.

You know, those guys, they're all in Boston Rules.

Boston Rules, baby.

Is that my coffee, Adam?

It's my coffee.

You finished your coffee.

No, I didn't.

Mine was sitting right here.

That's my coffee.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I moved the couch around.

Now I have all this room to move around theatrically while I do the podcast.

Well, you should put an octagon in here.

You got a ton of space.

Oh, yeah, so I can find it.

Fuck, you should put a suck octagon in your apartment what does that mean so you can make a little cache while dosh is out it's an octagon job i rid of each wall hold on let me explain and each wall

i have something just as hard for you adam what's that my penis

it is actually as hard as podcasting is a job

my penis is as hard as podcasting is as a job

it's not that hard but it's sort of

i gotta go to dentist

i can't believe you're gonna insult me on this the day of my engagement to my future wife.

Are you engaged officially?

Yeah.

I wasn't insulting you.

You're insulting her.

Am I?

Yeah.

Your future wife.

Our future wife.

Do we all get a piece?

Of course.

We all married.

Like I said, we share a girlfriend and we share a wife.

Well, I don't want to disrespect you, so here's how it's going to work.

You have your penis inside of Dasha, and then I fuck your ass so that I don't make any contact with her, but spiritually, my jit is being passed on through your ass, through your dick.

Spiritually.

That's what the natives would do.

Yeah, there was a that's that's what I call smoking the peace pipe, all right.

Who are we talking about?

Native Americans doing a brain dance.

Please suck my dick.

Please suck my dick.

Please get sucked up.

Hey, please, oh, hey, please suck my dick.

Yeah, they would do that dance every day, and eventually they would get their dick sucked.

I mean, that's kind of what being a pua is.

Yeah, is doing a brain dance.

I think so.

Yeah, if you ask 10 million girls to suck your dick, one of them is going to be mentally disabled.

Right, right, right.

One of them will be new to the country and not sure which one is yes and which one is no.

Yeah.

And then feel too bad to back out of it.

I had to suck his dick because I thought he was Duke.

I thought he was the Duke of Gruzhniaz.

He told me he was Duke of Gruzhnas.

He was wearing full suit armor.

Yes.

He says, my name is

Knight.

Vyashislov Pishtak.

He is Tartar King

of Veggie Noblast.

And he said that I have to suck his penis or he steal my family's teapot.

Or he piss in my father's teapot, which he will be buried in.

Shout out to South

Eastern Europe, man.

Yeah.

Just getting sex trafficked.

A lot of some of the best sex slaves in my experience.

There was a thing going on in Greece.

There was a stereotype that Russians and that kind of type of bitch were coming over to be nurses, quote unquote, for old motherfuckers that were dying, and part of their duties was to get sucked off.

Or to

suck the old guy off.

That like you were hired as a nurse, but it would be you would get your catheter changed with a happy ending.

That is disgusting.

That to me seems like a beautiful melding of worlds.

That's the Walmart of Eastern European women.

To pull a catheter out of someone's dick hole in the middle of the city.

Listen, the catheter is an example, Adam.

Don't get fucking lost in the weeds here, man.

I mean, that was the image you painted.

Yeah, you dumb motherfucker.

Okay,

wipe his ass and then jack off.

That sounds also pretty disgusting.

With a clean ass, you don't want to get jacked off.

Your ass is

fresh.

You feel like you're fucking a newborn baby.

Yeah.

Okay?

Yeah.

You don't want, and then a fucking statuesque, blonde, blue-eyed Russian woman, as then, like, you know, as a gift.

I will never let a Russian woman or anyone from Eastern Europe suck my dick as long as I live.

Whatever, man.

All I'm saying is good on them for making figuring.

That's the free market at work, folks.

Yeah.

Okay.

How about the pee market?

Mm-hmm.

And what happens then?

Were you.

Would you be pissing?

Would it be your penis?

You're buying pea.

Okay.

Actually, I remember reading that Polynesian urine was used as toothpaste.

Really?

Yeah, in like the 70s.

By the Greece.

Is that what the Polynesian sauce from Chick-fil-A is?

Yep.

That's piss.

Damn, those motherfuckers that got diabetes.

Yeah.

Ooh, speaking of diabetes, boys, did I cook up a delicious Christmas meal?

Two, in fact.

I had a nice party at the new pad

Sunday.

Let's dish about our holidays, boys.

I fucking cooked the pork shoulder days are back.

I'm back on my bullshit.

Okay?

But this was to entertain.

I didn't eat this pork shoulder myself like I was wont to do.

Of course.

I slow-roasted this motherfucker for 16 hours, bro.

It was the most delectable pork I've ever fucking put upon my lips.

It was

a nice little crown

too this week, for instance,

for some reason.

What the hell, man?

You guys are afraid of me.

My friend's birthday, we had a pork shoulder, and then Christmas Eve I had pork shoulder as well.

Wow, okay.

Well,

thanks for stepping on my fucking pork shoulder.

No, that's just something we haven't in common.

No.

No,

I'm drawing a parallel.

Shut up, dude.

All right.

So the rest of your Christmas was good?

I mean, it was fine.

I also made a steak roast.

Did you have any of those, Adam?

No, I didn't have a steak.

You didn't have a ribeye roast?

No, I didn't have a ribeye.

Lovingly covered in butter and garlic the night before.

And thyme?

And thyme, yes, of course.

Thyme, a little chili powder, too.

A little garlic.

Of course.

So much garlic.

How many bulbs?

Motherfucker.

I lost count.

Nine.

I love that shit.

Nick, what are you doing over there, man?

I'm looking at a map of Japan.

I saw the movie

for Christmas.

I went to go see the movie Vice.

And being in a theater with a

couple hundred Jews mad at Bush

is pretty much the perfect Christmas.

Was that the sexual energy you wanted?

Oh my God.

I was fucking hard the whole movie.

Dude, Dude, I had a horrible Christmas movies experience.

The whole thing, all I wanted to do was watch fucking Aquaman on fucking mushrooms.

Shouts out to a cumboy.

He came through with acid.

I don't want to say his name because it is drugs, but salute.

He's been to the Baltimore shows.

He's been to, I believe, the first DC shows.

It was John Malkovich.

It was John Malkovich.

I went through

John Malkovich.

And then I was on the Jersey Turnpike.

How does that movie go?

What's that?

Being John Malkovich, what what happened?

You just come out of the tunnel on the Jersey Turnpike or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you get to be John Malkovich?

Yeah.

No, you go in an office building in this floor that's like a tiny door, and you go in a tiny door.

Then you become John Malkovich, and when you come out, you're in the Jersey Turnpike.

You're in the Jersey Turnpike.

I love that you do that.

Like, Stav will say something correct, and you go, no.

And then you didn't even listen to the question.

I was sitting a text.

Oh, good.

I came in after the rest.

Oh, no, you're wrong.

Here's exactly what you said with details that weren't asked.

So, what?

You get to do whatever you want as John Malkovich?

Jack off.

Do you fuck?

That's all they seem to do is fuck instead of like robbing a bank.

Yeah.

You know.

I would do that, honestly.

You just go up, what's up, you little slut?

I'm John Malcolm.

You ever seen Rounders?

That's the one I used to get pussy.

You know, Teddy KGB, bitch?

You're looking at him.

Come over here and suck this prick.

I used to love that movie in Freshman Year of College.

Oh, yeah, when you were a rounder.

Cyrus the Virus.

The least intimidating prisoner in any movie ever.

No, he's intimidating because he uses perfect English.

Yeah.

Unlike the rest of the movie.

Attention, boys and girls.

We have a heist we are planning to

do

just as soon as

we confirm that we are not being tracked.

I've never seen Kenny.

He's just like twirling around the plane, his limp-ass fucking wrists.

Nice.

Yeah.

I've never seen it.

Sounds good, though.

Yeah.

He looks like he's about to go into, you know, a little musical number the whole time.

So Nick Hage is the good guy?

Little Pirates of Penzance.

Nick Hage is the good guy?

In that movie, is a good guy, yeah.

He's got a mullet and shit.

Yeah, he has a big long hair.

Oh, I thought he was the bad guy.

He's ripped.

Well, it's, it's, it's, everyone's a bad guy.

Nice.

Dude, I watched adaptation again.

No, fuck that movie.

He's so.

You don't don't like that movie is amazing i'm too stupid to get it man what do you mean it's there's nothing to get i don't like it's not i i just don't what's the big fucking deal it is he becomes himself or something and then he's no yeah what the fuck is the orchid who cares and then we're following whatever some other bitch it's an article written in the new yorker that he's adapting oh right so that's that's why it's called adaptation okay and it's

self-sufficient

or is that it's about an orchid thief well he's driving out of the the fucking parking lot and it is him or it's not him.

What's going on?

Is there like a double?

What?

Is he imagining himself?

Is it always him?

No thanks, man.

Let me watch Dread.

Let me watch a motherfucker get shot in the fucking head.

You didn't even know what Dread was until I showed it to you.

Yeah, I'm saying that's exactly my kind of genre, and I knew what it was.

If you had known about it, you would have,

if it was your thing, you would have already known about it.

I thought you would like that movie because of the scene where he beats off to the picture of Meryl Streep on the book jacket.

Respect.

He beats off to everyone.

Honestly,

listen,

not even her body, just her face.

I've done that.

When he's like beating off the fucking Tilda Swinton, whoever his fucking literary agent is.

She's just reading the book.

She's like, oh, you're a genius.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, fuck, fuck my thanks.

Whatever, man.

Fuck adaptation.

That's my take.

Yeah.

There's never been a movie about flowers.

What about flowers for Algernon?

That's not about flowers.

Do you know the story behind adaptation?

When he was working on

the Dana Carvey show on Fox, that show that was ill-fated, canceled after like half a season or maybe one season.

Great cash.

With the greatest writing room ever of all time, like Schmeigel, Steve Carell, Colbert, like all these guys.

He was in the writing room, and he had a sketch that he wrote called

Weirder Al Yankovic.

That's right.

About Al Yankovic having a twin brother who did parodies of Al Yankovic's parody.

I like that.

And then over years,

that sketch became adaptation.

See, he should have stuck with the sketch.

And that, of course, could be something.

Andolfini story that was told to me that I bought.

First of all, wait, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

He's got a brother in the movie?

He has a twin brother in the movie, bro.

Oh, yes.

It still fucking sucks, dick, but why?

Why?

You forgot that?

That's like one of the main

parts of the end.

Is it the guy or is it his brother?

What do you mean?

His brother's also writing a script during the movie.

He's taking like a stupid, stupid guy masterclass in script writing.

And he's like, isn't there a part where he sort of...

What would you do if you were writing a movie where nothing happens, like real life?

That scene where Brian Cox is like, nothing happens?

Get the fuck out.

Waste my fucking time.

Son, every minute a child dies.

I want to see that.

Is there no like

in her mouth?

I haven't seen an interview.

Is there no like magic or like weird shit

that happens in adaptation?

You just saw it.

Yeah.

I don't think there's like a.

Is there some kind of magic or some kind of

real?

No, there's no magic.

No, I don't think so.

So the guy is the guy the whole time.

He's not imagining anything.

Yeah, he imagines things like much.

Well, he's writing himself into the story, and he becomes a fictionalized version of himself.

There is an imagination aspect to it, but I would say that a human being.

Does he ever interact?

I would say that you, for instance, imagining that you're fucking someone isn't...

You're not doing magic.

It's not a magic, first of all.

It's not a magical.

Wait, does he ever interact with the fake version of himself?

It's not that.

Like, there's a fake guy come out of the fucking movie and knock on his door or some shit.

What are you talking about?

It's his twin.

Doesn't that happen?

Oh, like in the movie?

Yeah, like the guy from the movie.

Yeah, he becomes part.

It all just sort of wraps in on itself.

It's like sort of spiral.

But then the fake guy he's imagining, does he ever like knock on his fucking door and he comes out and he's looking at it?

He's a third Nick Cain.

Nothing like that.

What do you mean is it magic?

Nothing like that at all.

It's not magic.

He's just imagining.

Oh, maybe I confuse his brother with like a magic version of himself.

Going into it, you have to understand that like

Charlie Kaufman Kaufman is a real guy.

Yeah, and the main character's name is Charlie Kaufman.

Yeah, but he always does weird shit.

Well, Charlie Kaufman is a real guy.

That woman, what's her name, Orlene or whatever, is a real person.

Like, all these are.

Susan Orlene?

Yeah, he was hired to adapt the screenplay.

Did he ever do it?

Well, that was the script he turned in.

That was the adaptation of the book.

Because he said that sucked.

That was literally.

Fuck that, dude.

Why?

It's a book about flower thieves.

Yeah, let's go.

That sounds cool to me.

No, so I don't think that's they hired him to adapt the movie, and then he turned in that script after, because they opted, you know, he showed it to what's her name, Susan Orlene.

And initially, she was like, fuck no, we're not fucking making this movie.

She did what Sav just did.

Yeah, which she should have.

She should have stuck to her guns.

They made it just one of the greatest movies of all time.

It sucks.

I think it's really good.

If you don't like Charlie Kaufman, you have to.

No, I like Charlie Kaufman.

No, I don't like that one.

You can go ahead and just back the fuck out of the entertainment industry.

Stop doing stand-up.

Suck my dick.

You can't kick off the podcast.

Charlie Kaufman can suck my dick.

No, shut up.

You're not allowed to be an artist anymore.

Don't talk out of it.

No, I like Charlie Kaufman.

I just didn't like fucking adaptation.

You're not allowed to have a hilarious

voice.

Did you like any of his other movies?

He did Eternal Sunshine.

Eternal Sunshine, of course.

That movie's got a lot of magic.

I'm an emotional little thought.

I get that.

Yeah, but he does magic.

That magic people's brain.

That's straightforward to me.

Wait, it's not straightforward.

It's magic.

Yeah, but there's not a confusion

number of nick Cages.

I get it.

It's science.

Everyone's going.

Science.

There's an explanation behind that.

There's a machine and shit.

Fucking adaptation.

I don't know.

And then it's a fucking, we don't learn shit about the flowers.

The flowers seem cool.

The little lotus and shit.

I'm on board on the actual shit.

The guy in the swamp trying to find the flower.

That's your shit.

Give me some galoshes.

Let me get in the swamp, baby.

Who is it?

Chris Cooper?

Chris Cooper.

What else did Charlie Kaufman do?

He did Senectoche, New York.

I haven't seen it.

Being John Malcolm.

But I will be in Schenectady, New York if you want to come see me.

Spike Jones wrote it.

I think January 10th.

No, I think Spike Jones wrote it.

Or, no, January 13th or something.

He did that puppet movie that I fell asleep in the middle.

Anomalisa?

Yeah.

Anomalisa wasn't good.

I didn't see it.

Did he do Marion Max?

I fell asleep.

No, he did Anomalisa, though.

He did Anomalisa.

Yeah.

As fuck

young Lisa.

Yeah.

He wrote the movie Yamanika.

Yo, if you

tried to

adapt Yamanika to a screenplay, I would watch the shit out of that.

Just Yamanika as

Nick Cage swapped them out.

I'll watch adaptation then.

That'd be good.

Oh, I guess he wrote Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.

That's right, yeah.

That's a good movie.

Well, he wrote one draft of the screenplay and then it was rewritten.

Because you watch it and it almost feels like a Charlie Coffin movie, but then it's like a little bit.

bit, it's like sanitized.

I just watched Analyze This, and

when I was watching the credits roll, the guy who wrote it is this Kenneth Longeran, the guy that wrote like

Manchester by the Sea, really, and like all these intense dramas.

And then I guess I looked it up and he like wrote the movie and then refused to ever watch it.

Respect.

Get that check.

Yeah.

Kenneth Longeran.

But it is kind of funny because that movie came out like a month after The Sopranos premiered.

Stop, your last name is...

No, it isn't.

Whatever you're saying, it isn't.

Stop longer in a man's ass than it is a woman's pussy.

No, no.

That one, it feels better.

Wait, you're gay.

Oh, what if you have that magical power where your dick is huge, but only in a man's ass?

Would it drive you?

Would it drive you to being gay?

I think so.

Yes, of course.

Once again, we return to you not understanding what magic means.

That's magic!

Hold on a second.

That is magic.

Your dick getting bigger in a man's ass than a woman's pussy.

That's textbook magic.

That is textbook magic.

The definition of black girl magic.

You're the most magical guy I know in terms of thinking.

Thank you.

You have a magical brain.

Thank you.

I think that black girl magic is like having a LinkedIn page.

Yeah.

Not magic at all.

It's magic.

Having references

people can call that aren't fake numbers.

Right.

Business cards.

Anyway, I'm just saying that is is exactly what magic is.

I guess that's, I mean,

whatever.

What are we going to talk about?

And then

the question is: does that

hmm, now gender starts getting involved?

Because now gender starts getting involved.

Wouldn't it be biological?

Let's say you fuck a trans woman who was biologically a man.

Does the magic hold up?

Well, it depends what you believe, so

guyatogically.

Oh, so it would be what I believe?

So it would only work on regular ass men?

Well, I'm saying, like, if you think that that's a woman, then.

Ooh, that's a real way to find out what you really believe.

When a push comes to shove,

I quit wearing compression shorts as underwear.

I went back to the reeds.

What?

Yeah, I'll deal with them in a while.

But now it's just I'm not used to having

underwear stuck in my ass

anymore.

I know that feeling.

Because I went back to regular underwear.

Can we check the switch levels and shit?

Yeah, it's fine.

Okay.

I think they're fine.

Yeah, they're probably fine.

My dick's just really big.

I wouldn't want people to miss out on this.

No.

Magic.

Yeah, yeah.

The computer has detected a no, override.

This is a bigger computer with more

gigabytes

than the one.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that stuff.

I am afraid your dick is small than you, the computer.

Anyway, Anyway, this is a bigger computer and Stop's dick.

It's big.

Yeah, I'm saying I like that.

Like, to be good at chess, you either have to be a supercomputer built by IBM, some Russian slave of the state, or just like a homeless black guy.

Just a black guy that lives outside.

A hustler.

And then you're good at chess.

Some grand champion went and played those guys.

And he was like, yeah, they're good, but they also just cheat constantly.

Like, he caught the guy trying to

quickly take a piece.

Yeah, yeah.

It wasn't.

Yeah, yeah, just really fast.

Yeah.

He tried to take a rook instead of a pawn or some shit.

Uh-huh.

And he caught him.

It was a pretty good video.

Yeah.

So, yeah, prosecute the homeless for crimes like that.

That's my point.

Yeah.

Shot dead.

Giuliani's back, baby.

He said, look, here's how it looks.

You can save money for the city and really help a lot of social issues.

Get rid of the beat cops.

You put one cop with a sniper rifle on top of the Empire State Building.

And he's got a radio hooked up to his head.

And all, all the white people get walkie-talkies, and we're like, we need assistance, officer assistance,

police.

And he's like, I'm on it.

And then the bullet fire, and we see it spin, rifling through the air because it goes through somebody's like somebody's reading a newspaper and it goes like right like that corn video.

Yeah, yeah.

Freak on a leash.

The bullet going through stuff.

Never mind.

Somebody put this freak on a leash.

Yeah, that's what I'd like.

Yep, and the leash is a man's.

Dude, what what a gay ass name for a

feeling like a freak on a leash.

Dude, you could be such a fucking just loser.

What was their tour in 1998?

With Lint Biscuit, corn.

They like went on a summer tour together.

Oh, I don't know.

Fuck.

What was it called?

They did one.

Like Method Man was on it, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Snoop was on it.

They did a weird one like that.

They were like all rappers.

Yeah.

Yeah, the tour for guys who wear airwalks and date a fat girl that doesn't speak and

just basically lives out of her Honda.

Do you remember the guitarist in corn?

Had dreadlocks and his name was Monkey.

It was a white guy.

Yes.

He was the guy with the weird contacts.

So that's Wes Borland from.

He might have had contacts too, but Wes Borland from Limp Biscuit had weird contacts.

Yeah, but the main corn guy also had dreadlocks.

Jonathan Davis.

Yeah, Davis Jonathan.

Jonathan Davis also created Garfield.

A lot of people don't know the name.

The guy in corn, the guy who created Garfield.

You would think you would only have one hit in you, like coming up with corn, but then

he's like, what about a cat that's psycho?

What if it was a real

cutie cat was a freaking psycho?

Speaking of psychos, I know you guys are crazy for gambling online.

Oh, yeah.

We all know that about you.

We know that about you.

That's why you listen to the show because you're

a degenerate gambler.

Degenerate fucking gambler.

Similar to Jason Patrick and the Supreme Leanos.

Yeah, we just watched that up.

We go into the executive game.

Well, I got a website for you, betdsi.com.

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Yeah, what's the S stand for?

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What's the B stand for?

Butt cheeks.

Oh, sorry.

Butt.

Yeah.

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That's right.

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Yep.

I like that.

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Yeah, you got bookies for that kind of shit.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, bitch

eat

the dick.

What the fuck does DSI stand for?

Now that I think about it, I have no, I've never known.

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It sounds cool, I would bet that it doesn't stand for anything.

Well, you know, we can wager that they've been around forever.

It was probably just some 90s thing where they're like, put some letters in there, so it sounds like a computer.

It probably stands for something.

Good.

I think so.

It's such a good company.

Why wouldn't it stand for for something?

Yeah, it's like our cars or cars are like

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You just pick letters at random.

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Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Welcome to ComeConclay.

So, Macaulay Calkins changing his middle name to Macaulay Calkin.

Culkin.

Macaulay Culkin.

Is that it for adaptation stuff?

Does that bother you?

Wait, what's he doing?

He's changing his middle name to Macaulay Calkin.

Macaulay, Macaulay, Culkin, Culkin.

I tell you, when that guy dies, it won't be soon enough.

He's in a commercial.

I got no issues with Macaulay.

I have no issues either.

I just can't imagine the pain he's in.

He's in a commercial for Siri or Alexa or something.

Yeah.

His asshole still hasn't undilated from.

I got real sad when I found out he's in a Velvet Underground cover band where he makes all the lyrics about pizza.

Let the man live.

He's got a fucking

glove in his hand.

We all know what pizza is code for.

Yeah, let's not look any further into that.

Damn.

Damn.

That's the whole thing.

The pizza underground is the name of the band.

You just crack the case.

Sorry, don't do that silent thing.

Don't do the silent thing.

Now you're just looking at me.

We're on to something, though, I think.

I think, sorry for exclaiming, but

he was raped as a child.

For sh for sure.

The Podesta emails.

Damn, dude.

Do you think there was like a Comet ping pong?

Do you think they did like a draft?

Also, Podesta is Italian for pedophile.

That's awesome.

A lot of people don't know that.

I didn't even know that.

Yeah, I know.

They don't put it together.

Podesta.

Perophile

podesta

qui cuckoo, poo poo pee pee.

Yup.

Now, who got to fuck the famous kids?

Was there like, do you think there was a bidding war?

Do you think it was a key party?

You see that thing about there's like a deleted scene in the and what is the Sasha Baron Cohen show called?

Yes.

So this is yeah, where they uncovered that thing in Vegas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My man was just going to set him up with

a child to fuck.

Yeah,

insane.

And the FDA

is like, we don't got time for this.

Hey, come on.

We're setting up Muslims over here.

We gotta convince a retarded Muslim guy to pick up a fake bomb.

What percentage of Guantanamo do you think is retards that just accidentally got

clicked on the wrong link?

And they just love the feeding tube.

This is fun.

I think 10%, probably.

10%.

I think that's probably an an honest.

I mean, I like, look, everybody likes to think that we live a civilized life, but if we had an island where we just put all the retards, like, it's not too far off from what we already do.

I mean, we do that.

What do you mean?

No, I mean, if society, if, like, look, if things had gone differently, you could have easily lived in a world where we just deported all of the mentally retarded people to an island somewhere

where they live in complete isolation.

And nobody would have.

Who would be king?

No one, one, no one, none of these woke people would have a problem with it.

They would say, oh, yeah, of course.

You just put retarded people on the island.

Duh.

Yeah.

Would there be cameras?

Trust me, I've thought about this.

Yeah, all the way to the camera.

Of course, it'd be cameras.

This would be the Truman show.

And then some activists would try to come free the retards and just get murdered.

What I don't like about the Truman show is that the premise is that you'd like somebody if you knew them in their private moments, which human beings are fucking disgusting.

Yeah, there's no jacking off all the time.

He wouldn't be, I mean, beyond the jacking off, if you had access to that man's private moments, you would despise him.

Oh, he'd eat boogers and like fucking

how much Chinese food I've eaten out of the trash.

Yeah.

Not that much.

I strained

a whole pot of pasta, and it tipped over into the trash, and I ate the top pasta.

That's easy money right there, brother.

You got to eat the top part of it.

Yeah, I've done some gross things.

Yeah, we all have.

Damn, what if Truman was like a fucking

criminal or a pedophile?

Would they have caught him?

Would they have turned him in?

No, they just keep watching that damn show.

I mean, just like addicting.

Like a show where, if you know, you could just see a man staring in the mirror home by himself, just going, just fucking kill yourself.

Yeah, just fucking kill yourself.

Fuck you.

Just fucking kill yourself.

Over and over and over again for hours.

Bitch.

Bitch.

You fucking pussy.

Fuck it.

Yeah, yeah.

Just shut the fuck up.

Just shut up.

Like, this island, would there be roads?

Would they have their own dune buggies?

Well, you can't get out.

Yes, there would be dune buggies.

What the fuck is happening in your hand?

Can you talk about the Isle of the Retards?

Oh,

the Isle of the Retards.

I mean, no, they would develop their own technology.

Ooh, it would be sort of a really funny car.

Oh, they can't use tools.

That's like the cutoff that separates humans from retards.

Because humans are able to.

Monkeys can use tools, man.

Yeah, I know.

I said humans from retards.

I didn't say humans from monkeys.

Come on,

retarded guys can use tools.

Yeah, you know who can't make tools?

A retarded monkey.

I don't know.

If he wants to crack open a walnut bad enough, he'd figure it out.

Did it be funny if there was like

somehow there's a chimp that's born like way more advanced than the other ones and its face looks more human?

And then we find out this entire time

every single chimp.

Every single chimp just had chimp-down syndrome,

and then there was they finally got the combo right, and they made a normal one.

And then it proves it like people think it proves evolution, but it's a chimp that's like, Can I put on pants, please?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just give me some pants,

yeah.

You know, all these, all these retarded kids keep raping me, all the retarded kids in my class keep holding me down.

It's like he speaks English, it's like, yeah, it's not that fucking hard to learn.

I've had to communicate with people that only scream and throw shit, and they're all incredibly strong.

Yeah, would he be just as strong or no?

Well, I don't know.

You'd have to ask a geneticist.

Maybe we can get one on the show.

Let's call it geneticist.

Excuse me, I have a question for you.

Are you genesis?

Yeah.

Let's say here that

every quote-unquote regular chimpanzee actually has a chimpanzee version of Down syndrome.

Click.

Sorry, I think we got cut off.

So the Down syndrome, chimps.

Click.

No, listen, they're fucking, right?

Don't you fucking think.

Hang on, pardon me.

It's a cute monkey, the regular one.

Yeah, that's a good question.

That's a great question.

Yeah, I'm what you call a thinking man's genius.

You're actually the sucking man's penis.

Yeah.

What do you think of that?

Yeah, I'm what you call a gay man's

straight guy

straight guy that lets gay men put loads in my ass.

They love me at drag brunch.

Yeah.

When I suck them all off in the bathroom.

I've never been able to beat a Rubik's Cube in my life.

They're not hard, dude.

You just have to learn this.

I don't want to learn the trick.

I want to do it by.

You have to match up the middle pieces with the other side.

Adam doesn't know what he's talking about.

Yes, it is.

The outside middle pieces.

Adam's literally never solved a Rubik's Cube and he never will.

I think I did.

You think?

Yeah.

You don't know?

What the fuck am I listening to your ass for then?

Someone told me how to do it.

I just never did it.

Oh, is that what happened?

Yeah.

Are you trying to steal the memory of the music?

Someone told me what it is, and I'm like, well, now I know the trick.

I don't have to try it out.

I just know the trick.

If someone tells you a magic trick, do you do the magic trick?

Yes, I do every time.

No, you don't do the magic trick.

You say, okay, I know how that works.

I've done it every time.

I intellectually know how that works.

No.

Oh, I never forget.

What happened to me on fucking Christmas?

I wanted to see Aquaman, and I take a bunch of acid, and I fucking, we're going to East Point Mall.

Shouts out to the mall of my youth to see the new, to see Aquaman.

And we get there, we're like, my brother's like, huh, it's got to be Aquaman in 2018.

So true.

Almost 2019.

So fucking true.

I can be a black woman.

Aqua Black.

That's a good question.

That's a great question.

And I have no answer for it, but I get there, and the fucking movie is sold out on Christmas at a shitty fucking theater.

And I'm already on acid as fuck.

And all my brothers are like, one of my brothers is like, dude, I can't go to another theater.

This one's comfortable for me.

I'm on acid.

It's like, all right, we'll just go back home.

And we just, and my other brother, who's sober, is like, oh, just throw on Coco.

It's got like vibrant colors and shit.

That movie's just about.

No.

That movie's just about death and like your family.

I cried for like three hours.

Bro, and I just got.

Coco.

Why can't it be about a black?

Oh, it's about black.

And I'm just sitting there

on acid, dude, crying.

I can't imagine how sad as shit.

Thinking about people I've lost, my strained relationship with my family.

I was on a fucking plane.

All I wanted to see was a fucking fish fight a motherfucker with a trident and shit.

And with bright-ass colors.

I was on a plane to Vegas, and like every time I go home to visit my parents, like half the plane is people that are like, Vegas!

And I'm like, just go to see my parents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was watching Coco.

Oh, no.

Weeping.

And there's just this fucking Dominican guys, these two Dominican guys in my row, just like drinking hard the entire time.

They turn around and see me crying.

They'd be like, yo, are you good?

Are you good, bro?

Are you good, bro?

Yeah, dude.

But Coco was a great film.

Now, that's a good movie.

That movie is incredible, man.

Absolutely.

I fucking shouts out to Pixar, dude.

Last time I was on Acid, I watched

two expendables.

I watched Expendables two and three, and it was awesome.

You know what my brother did to calm me down?

Because I was literally crying when Coco was, I was peeking as Coco was ending, and I went upstairs, and I'm just crying in the bathroom, and I come down, and I just, all I hear is the beginning scene to Thor Ragnarok.

Hell yeah, and I was home, bro.

Oh, that's so sweet.

That was a magical moment.

Yeah, your brother really knows that.

He loves you.

And I just fucking fell down in my security blanket.

Watched Thor Ragnarok on Christmas after crying about Coco for.

Coco.

Do you call your dad?

Fuck no, dude.

No, my dad can suck my dick.

But I did cry.

But I will say, shouts out to Coco.

Good-ass film.

Yeah, the movie was incredible.

Vice wasn't that good.

It was all right.

I mean, I got to say,

I was annoyed with Christian Bale.

Stole a role from the fat bald community.

Having said that, he did look like Dick Cheney.

Yeah, all the acting is incredible.

Yeah.

Steve Perell looks like he's like, Adam McKay makes them do Shakespeare in the middle of it for no reason.

It's like, I know the fucking story.

Just tell the fucking story.

Yeah.

What about

you guys?

Want to go see Welcome to Marvel?

Sam Rockwell as George Bush absolutely fucking murders it, though.

Kills it.

Yeah, he's a very good actor.

Yeah, he's so good.

And he's hilarious, too.

He's so fucking stupid.

Yeah, he is good.

What part of Japan are you looking at on your phone now, Nick?

I'm not looking at Japan anymore.

What are you looking at now?

Nothing.

I'm porn.

I'm doing nothing.

Why aren't you doing that?

I'm trying to.

What'd you think about Kevin

Spacey?

Ooh.

That was the best fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.

I smiled so hard, dude.

My brain wasn't working.

I was like, I imagine.

It made me so happy.

I was smiling so hard, dude.

Little thing would make it better as if he was making craft macaroni chicken.

That's what was happening in the kitchen.

He's assembling a lunchables while he's doing it.

You wouldn't believe something without looking into the evidence yourself.

Did I mention I was gay now?

You loved me and you wanted it the whole time.

You wanted me to do this thing, but you didn't say anything, did you?

Because you loved me and you wanted it.

I mean,

that's how you know he's like serious about acting.

Yeah.

And he thought acting would be the answer.

I'm going to act my way out of this.

I mean, it's, you know, it's funny.

It's like the actor version of Louis being like, you know what they need?

Spots.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what they want me to do, is spots.

Everybody's waiting for my triumphant return to spots.

And Kevin Spacey's like, the power of my acting will help them see past the rape of a child that I committed.

That just, for some reason, mirrors this character.

So

technically, I can talk about it.

It's the character.

The kid like Snapchat or FaceTimed his girlfriend while he was getting molested by Kevin Spacey because she didn't believe him.

Uh-uh.

Yeah.

She's like, babe, you're not going to believe this.

Kevin Spacey's molesting me.

Wait, what did he do?

He sucked the kid off or something?

He got the kid drunk.

He was like 17 or 18.

He got him drunk.

He had some 18-year-old drunk at a bar and shoved his hand down his pants and was like playing with his dick.

Damn.

But then it's so funny that he said it to his girlfriend.

Yo, and you know, babe, babe, babe.

You're not going to believe it.

Check it out.

Look, he's got his hand on my cock.

Fucking Kaiser Sose, bitch.

Did you see that shit?

Dude, yeah,

that video is incredible.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Has he raped children or anything like that?

He's just like.

He's like boys with Brian Singer, but he's also.

And explain to me why he's been on Jeffrey Epstein's plane.

Why?

He doesn't like teenage girls.

Maybe they have some boys there, too.

Because they're all pedophiles.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Because they're explicitly pedophiles.

Damn,

they really all are pedophiles.

Why was he on that?

Like, and what, like, what is the overlap between those two guys?

They just love, he loves other than like the Clinton Foundation.

They just love doing charitable work in fucking, you know, Africa or wherever the fuck the Clinton Foundation does work.

My little brother, in the middle of us being on acid, there's a fucking pause, and no one's really saying anything, and he just goes, Killery Clinton.

And then he's just like, Tell me why.

And he just starts listing from memory just people the hill the Clintons have supposedly killed.

Yeah.

And then he's like, Crooked Hill and Little Bill.

Dude, I mean, but really, though, the fucking Epstein thing is fucking insane.

And it's like, it gets people cared for two days when they thought it was a Trump thing.

And then as soon as it wasn't like, you know, like, they're like,

funny that none of the Pizzagate people seem to care about this.

And then the Pizzagate people were like, we did.

We've mentioned him a billion fucking times.

He's like the linchpin in the whole thing.

They also think that Trump is trying to take down his network of it's like the whole QAnon thing,

whatever.

That's misguided and retarded, also.

But, like, you have right here in front of you evidence of some kind of

elite pedophile ring.

I feel like it was even less than two days.

Then, my Miami Herald article came out, and literally, no one cared.

No, people cared a lot for like a day.

Yeah, they did.

And then they just went back to not caring.

Yeah.

Didn't some guy say Dershowitz he watched Dershowitz fuck a child or something on Twitter?

Yeah,

Dershowitz was like,

what was his defense?

It was crazy.

Oh, that he was always on the plane with his family.

That was his defense.

He was like, I only flew that plane with my family.

And according to something we've heard,

according to a rumor.

Yeah, we got a scoop that's even better than anything Enty Lawyer ever said.

And we won't ever tell you on the show.

You have to hear it from us in person.

But we will tell you.

You come to the live show.

Adam sucked off Jeffrey Epstein.

Dude, I'm excited for that world tour.

More than anything, I'm excited to tour Croatia.

Bring the podcast to Kuala Lampur before we ever do Cleveland again.

Yeah, before we do LA, before we do LA or Chicago, we're going to do the live podcast.

Bradis Lavson.

Sierra Leone.

I will be in LA on the 2nd.

Buy your tickets.

Coastal

doing the live podcast.

I'll be in Eastern Sahara.

Western Sahara.

Disputed

desert territory.

Disputed territory.

Yeah, I would love to do a live show in Nigeria.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hire that sign language interpreter.

Oh, yeah.

That was a good motherfucker right there, boy.

Dude, I bet you they would love African Guy in Nigeria.

Absolutely.

Because you know what?

I know enough about Nigerians that I could do an hour of Nigerian comedy and it would resonate.

Well, especially the stuff about the Nigerian Business Association or whatever.

Oh, yeah.

We just go.

We're like, why the fuck are people wearing closed-toe shoes?

Why isn't everyone wearing sandals here?

Where's the craft services table?

Is it attached to your wife's head?

Where's that woman that also functions as the craft services table?

The woman with bananas and charcuterie

strapped to her fucking dough.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me, bitch.

Do you have peanuts?

You know that heads?

You got cashews

on your bitch.

Get your bitch in here.

Put some cashews on.

You're talking to a woman that speaks seven languages, just like French, English.

I'm sorry.

What's your name?

Coco?

It's Rancha.

Listen, Coco,

I'm going to eat some fruit roll-ups in that hat of yours.

I'm not wearing a hat.

Well, strike two.

Yep, we'll be in Nigeria.

We should figure it out and just go to some beachy-ass places.

Yeah.

I'm trying to lay on the beach.

Nigeria's got some beaches.

Yeah, too.

Beautiful Nigerian beaches.

They have nice beaches.

Do they?

Yeah, it's

Western Africa.

I don't know shit about geography, man.

Don't fucking talk like you know shit either.

Yeah, it's by it's by the way.

Just because your family went and helped the one white African country do genocide

doesn't mean you fucking know about geography.

No, we didn't.

Just because you didn't.

Let me tell my parents.

Some other people maybe.

I'm drinking rum and red boom.

I forgot about that song.

It's a fucking banger, bro.

I got fizzied up.

I will say I did have a fun time, though.

I had a little party.

For Christmas?

You guys got to come to the house.

I think we're going to be throwing parties.

It's fun, dude, to throw a little intimate party with your bros.

Get fucking trashed.

I was sitting when I saw Vice, I was sitting next to this old Jewish couple, and you know how Dick Cheney had a lesbian daughter?

Yeah, I know I fucked her.

So, like, right before the daughter comes out of the closet to her parents in the movie, this is just this old Jewish man next to me goes, She's gay.

She's full of voice.

And so am I.

And then he kisses your neck.

And I'm gay too.

And then he kisses your neck and sucks your dick in the movie.

Oh, yeah, suck my dick.

I was there with my fiancé.

Yeah, and she liked it.

She was calling you gay for getting it done.

I'm like, I'm never going to call her that.

That's so gay.

I like it.

Nah.

I like girlfriend.

Sounds cute.

I like wife or girlfriend.

You look like the kind of guy who would call her a partner.

This is my partner.

Cowboy Dasha.

This is my partner, Mrs.

Necrocepha.

Yeah, but whatever.

We'll have a fun wedding.

You guys are invited.

Actually, everyone that lives in the Cometown is is invited.

You're all invited.

All of you guys.

It's at the Chuck E.

Cheeses on the Bronx.

No, yeah, we're going to do it in Manton Square and Tasha's family.

Yeah, you're going back to the motherland.

Yeah, yeah, the Chernobyl fallout zone.

Sounds good to me.

Yeah, I can't wait.

I love a nice damn wedding.

I'm not coming to your fucking wedding.

Shut up, dude.

You didn't even say congratulations.

Yeah,

I've said congratulations.

And if anyone has reasons why just to kick down the doors of the church, he's gay.

I don't know.

That's like a thing that only existed in movies.

Yeah.

As a kid, I thought all the weddings were like.

I, dude, I was so mad when I went to my first wedding.

And no one

fucks with it.

Yeah.

Come on.

Someone's no one does that.

Yeah.

The graduates.

Do they even say it?

And if anyone, no, of course they don't say it.

That's not a part of a wedding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just some gay man in the 90s who wrote movies.

He's like, well, I've never been to a wedding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is what I've always said.

It's unfathomable that I would ever get married.

That's what a gay wedding is.

It's just drama at a regular wedding.

I text the boys that I got engaged.

I was like, we went to the diamond store.

We got

the boys.

You two.

And then Stop's like, oh, dude, congrats.

And Nick says, LOL Diamond Store.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's cute that you're engaged, though.

Yeah, I guess so.

Maybe I should find love.

Yeah.

You should, dude.

Oh, dude.

Come on.

We should all get engaged together.

Come get really smooth and greased up with me.

I do like the part about being smooth and greasy.

Yeah, dude.

Let's be smooth and greasy together and straight as hell.

That sounds straight to me.

Let's become so straight, we never have girlfriends again.

Oh, and we just hang out all the time.

We just hang out

without girlfriends?

You just spend all the time.

We become Bert and Ernie, except with no shirts.

That's the kind of shit we do anyway.

Shut up, dude.

You're not Bert or Ernie.

I'm fucking horny for that kind of shit.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what.

We're we're going to cut it short here.

Nope, that's exactly.

Hold on, I got a, if you're going to, if you're, a second show added in LA, please come out and fucking on the 2nd, February 2nd.

And then the tour is kicking off big dick time.

January 10th, I'm in fucking York or some shit.

11th, Pittsburgh, 12th, Buffalo, 13th, Schenectady, New York.

Just like that fucking dumbass movie.

19th, I'm in Phoenix.

The 20th, I'm in Tucson.

Hartford on the 24th.

Delaware on the motherfucking 25th.

San Diego on the 27th.

L.A.

on the motherfucking 2nd.

The goddamn butt the breakfast tour, baby.

We're all having sex on that thing.

And then come see Funny Moms on the

14th.

I'm at Lincoln Lodge sometime in March.

Yeah, go see Nick at the Lincoln Lodge.

Everyone that came to see me, except that one dumb bitch that got drunk as shit.

Was there a Nazi?

I thought there was a Nazi at that show.

I don't think so.

In Chicago.

I don't believe there were Nazis in Chicago.

But anyway, please come out and

see me on the tour.

Go see Nick at the fucking Lincoln Lodge and come see Funny Moms on the 14th, I believe.

Yep, the 14th.

We'll be back.

All right, everyone.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

This is our Christmas spectacular.

This is our post-Christmas.

Post-Christmas Spectacular.

Boxing Day.

Oh, I know a little thing about boxing.

I'll show you a little bit of boxing.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I know a thing or two about fucking boxing.

Is boxing ears a real thing that you can do?

What do you mean?

Like where you cup your hands and you slam someone like the ears.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, Jeff.

You can straight up kill somebody doing that shit.

You can kill someone that way?

That really works?

No, you can't hear a dude.

I'll fucking go.

No, no, dude, don't add him.

I'll fucking thunderclap your ears.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

Later, folks.

Bye, gang.

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