Ep 134 – Sargon My Dick

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Motherfucking come town and fucking I'm heated.

A great miscarriage of fucking justice just transpired.

Fucking piece of shit out.

Number one, greatest injustice in American history, probably

Emancipation Proclamation.

Okay.

Number two.

In what sense?

Number two,

the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald by

Jack Ruby.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you want to?

I think it was incredibly unfair that I beat you guys.

Fuck, shut the fuck up, Adam.

No, I agree with you.

You were losing the whole fucking time.

We're all on the same side here.

Shut the fuck up.

I don't care for your attitude.

I wasn't even trying to win.

Oh, okay.

Fuck you, man.

The game gave you three fucking stars, and it tried to give you more, but your dumbass didn't have enough fucking corners.

I would have had two more stars.

Shut up.

We're

arguing about Mario Party, a game for

five years.

Shut up.

It's for the grown-ups.

It's for everyone, bro.

Everyone, dude.

What do you think the E on the box stands for?

You said to me that Rocket League was for babies, and that's more adult than this game.

E for everyone, just like this talk about Suck Cocket League, which is a game you play in your apartment.

That's right.

Anyways,

you're on all fours, and you put little dildos on the end of truck.

You have radio control cars.

You put another man's penis in a roller skate, and he slides across the floor into your ass.

Yeah, remote control cars.

That's the word I was like, anyways.

RC.

Yeah, and they put those into your ass.

A little Mario party, relaxing.

Having a great time on it.

Just really reflecting on

Adam.

Some of the controversy this week.

You know, as you know, Milo or Milo was banned from Patreon, and then

Sargon, the destroyer of the Sauron, I believe.

Sauron, the eye of my dick.

The eye of,

I don't know, I think he's like a wizard.

Isengard.

It's like a cock gun.

Isengard.

He was kicked off

casting a spell in the four-year-old.

if I'm understanding correctly.

I think that's what it is.

No, I mean, because a couple of people are mad and they're pointing out that, like, why is it that he gets kicked off and we don't?

And just to make it clear, it's because

we're the good guys.

And he has a little S.

We're on the right side of history.

Yep, that's so true.

You say, like, well, he sarcastically used racial slurs and you sarcastically use racial slurs.

I have never once ever used a racial slur.

I'm going to go on the record right now.

I'm going to go on the record right now and say you will be hard-pressed to find any evidence of me using any kind of slur.

And honestly, the suggestion of that, first of all, out of context,

it's doctored.

What we're doing right here is a classic case of doctored.

Everything's been doctored.

In fact,

I brought in

one of my

closest friends.

You may have seen him on one of those Fox UFO debunking specials

who's here to

you might know of his work from proving that the moon landing is fake.

He's a debunking expert.

That's right.

And he's looked over some of these tapes.

His name is Richard Fagat Nagar.

That's just his name.

He's an Italian man.

Oh, okay.

We don't have to say it again.

Okay.

Well, I mean, it's just

a traditional Italian surname.

What part of the boot is he from?

Are you upset because his name is Dick?

Yeah, exactly.

Dude, come on.

Enough, enough of that.

Enough of the poo-poo stuff.

Anyways, he's got to play it clean.

Because honestly, like, you know, people have been trying to get us kicked off Patreon.

And

I pay this man, but also he's my friend.

And he's looked over the tapes, and he said conclusively

through his transitional aviator sunglasses and the fishing vest he never takes off that not only are these tapes of me doctored,

but that the moon landing never happened, and that there's no such thing as black women.

He also said that.

Really?

That is doctored.

They're doctored.

They're dumb, black women

are actually doctored.

And they're only the women.

Only the women.

There are black guys.

Of course.

Don't be ridiculous.

What are we living in?

Some kind of fantasy land over here?

Of course, there's black men.

Sauron.

This man is hard.

My friend is not insane.

Yeah, yeah.

Whose name I will only say the one time.

And again, that is just his name.

Just his name.

Is he here?

No, he's not here.

Okay.

No, he wrote a letter.

Okay.

Let me.

Yeah, read the letter.

That's the sound of paper being

crinkle, crinkle.

Yeah, read it to the audience.

He made some good points.

Dear sir and madam, that's me.

Okay.

You're both

from Dr.

Richard

F.

Dash N.

Dr.

Richard F.

Dash N.

We have reviewed the evidence presented by the YouTube Council of Gaming and Kotaku or whatever.

The holy defenders of Sargon, the N-word

sayer,

the Sargon, the mage of an N-word saying,

the dark mage.

And it has been proven without question

that these tapes, like Black Women in the Moon Landing, are severely doctored.

Yours truly, Dr.

Richard.

That's all right.

We can stop saying that.

We don't have to read the end.

Yes, could you please not say my name on the show?

I get a lot of angry letters from people that think I'm not Italian.

Yeah.

They think I'm doing a mean joke about Italian names.

Yeah, that's the mean joke in that one.

Yeah, so we thought we'd address that.

It's because, you know, look, we're

principled guys, you know.

Absolutely.

And things like freedom of speech, they matter to us.

You know,

specifically our own.

Freedom of peach, too.

Getting fucking peach from Mario.

I bet her pussy is just delightfully smooth.

Absolutely.

You know?

A hundred like peach fuzz.

Yeah.

The inside of her pussy feels like two peach fuzzy.

She feels like the peach from

Call Me If You Can.

Yeah.

Call Me If You Can, that movie where Leonardo DiCaprio is being pursued by Tom Hanks.

Barme Hanks.

In a gay way.

Tom Hanks is trying to have gay sex in Leonardo DiCaprio.

He's chasing him on a bicycle in

the Italian countryside.

We're looking for this boy, Frank Abigna Jr.

And when I find him, I'm going to hold him down and fuck him.

My name is Agent Tom Hanks of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

He's got a Boston accent there.

Yeah, yeah.

Norak, Norak.

R.I.P.

R.I.P.

talked to Penny Marshall, too.

Speaking of some Tom Hanks bangers,

I didn't realize she did Big and League of Their Own.

Those are some hard dick-ass movies.

League of Their Own Rocks, dude.

Two of the five that starves.

you want to play another round let's go um the yeah league of the throne is good also penny marshall was a big fan of come town too yeah oh yeah on the record it's true so

thanks for that

yeah that is a such a dumbass name there's his name's i don't get what it is

what is his deal i don't know

he's racist and a gamer yeah he's racist and a little ass bad i literally have no idea who he is or is he not racist no he's definitely racist.

Oh, I think he's racist.

He's racist and a fucking video.

And people say the shit, whatever the fuck his name is, with a straight face.

Sargon of a guy.

He's a fucking pudgy-ass brain.

Yeah, call him his real fucking name.

I like that, like, because of podcasting, guys like us and him go from people who would have just been working at the mall for the rest of their lives.

Like, I would be in GameStop being like, look at that fucking loser that works in the sword store.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it would have been Sargon.

Yeah, and it would have been Sargon.

But seriously, freehand.

His name tag says Carl, and he keeps changing it to Sargon.

And his boss is like, Carl.

Carl, I take you again, you fire.

Carl, you do that one more time.

We won't have to let you go.

The mall management says that women have complained and they can't, they don't know your real name.

You keep looking when they file sexual harassment complaint.

We don't know what they're doing.

They ask for directions how to get to the hallmarks.

And you answer with a riddle that involves the size of your pen.

Stop making them guess how low your pedo is.

Sorry, Mr.

Gwynn.

I'll never do it again.

Vondonka Davro.

Should we have wizard names?

Yeah.

I want to be Suck Dickios of my dick.

I would just go by Adam.

I'm going to be Glansdorf.

Glansdorf.

I want to be Hardikios.

Glansdolf.

Glansdolf and Hardikos.

Gandalf.

Is that his name?

Gandalf?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The White Wizard.

Is Gandalf and the White Wizard?

I want to be Sunday.

He comes back the white.

I want to be Suck Ray if you're.

Suck Dick Buldore.

Suck Dick Buldore?

Dumb.

Who apparently Dumbledore is gay.

Now, Dumbledore was being played in some prequels by Jude Law or some shit.

Yeah, and the fantastic beast.

And he's just wearing a suit.

That's weird to me.

I saw it on the plane, the first one.

Oh, was it good?

No.

Now,

now what the fuck hold on he's just sexy jude law in a fucking suit and then he becomes like a fucking he starts wearing like robes and shit well yeah when you get older your hair turns white yeah what the fuck happened the wizards like did wizards get into retro shit is that what's going on like they they dressed regular in harry potter and then they all went oh they got more into robes yeah i think that's because of his uh role as a educator at the oh so teachers all have to dress gay as shit yeah i guess so that's pretty cool yep i think it's a lot like the election.

What about Nogwarts?

Nog warts?

And guess what happens there?

Uh-huh.

They celebrate with the seasonal festive drink that everyone loves.

I know it's tough because hogwarts is already, it means dick warts.

Have you slobbed some Nog this season yet?

Oh, slob on my Nog.

I hate when I offer to get eggnog and some dumb bitch is like, I don't like eggnog.

It's good.

I've never had.

Women just are like, oh, I don't like it.

Bitch, you drink cum constantly.

You live off cum.

Yeah.

Every woman lives off cum.

Is there a difference between the two?

What are you too good to buy your cum in a store?

And it's sweet cum almost.

It's sweet cum.

You put a woman.

I freaking had it up to here with these picky women.

Yeah.

Let's go in on them.

Let's do it.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You're listening to the fellas podcast.

I'm freaking done with these brewies.

These are brewing hillies.

They are so dang stupid.

Let me me tell you.

Dude, every time a dumb girl says something fucking dumb, I'm like,

bitch.

Every time.

Get them.

Every time.

Dude, that's so true.

I've seen you do that.

There was that one hot girl that was like, remember that hot girl?

We were talking about her, and then she turned and looked at us.

And I was like, fucking dropping her.

And we were like, bitch.

Stop looking at us.

Shut up.

Don't look at me.

And then we just kind of left.

Yeah, we left that.

Fucking bitch.

Dude, and we were like, we were in the parking lot, like,

dude, if, yeah, she's lucky she didn't look at me another way.

Dude, I would have fucking punched her right in the fucking face.

I swear, dude, I was about to beat the shit out of that bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I'd love doing that.

I love hitting women.

When I just lose it, when I just can't take it anymore,

she comes home from work and she's just in my fucking asshole.

Oh, my God.

Like, you're just opening her mom steps all the way into the asshole.

Mom, shut the fuck up.

Fuck you.

Did you you guys ever think that moms are also chicks?

They are chicks, though.

So true.

You forget that, though.

Adam Friedland class.

Is this one of your bitches?

This is a Friedland class.

No, I thought we were just doing dumb, dumb, saying dumb things.

I thought I was trying to actual actual thing you would pitch.

What?

That's like an actual bitch.

Do you guys ever notice moms are chicks also?

That's true.

Yeah.

Are you trying to say you want to fuck our mom?

I'm trying to work out a new closer.

Do you want to fuck our mom, our collective mom?

Dude, we could fuck our moms because they are chicks.

That's the point.

That is true.

Okay.

I'm back to the moment.

How about mom hanks and he's like, I'm looking for my son, Frank Abagnail Jr., so I can first have gay sex with him and then bitch at him until I buy him a switch.

And then it's all of that.

Oh, okay.

Now, does he have a comeback?

Does he have a pussy?

Yes, we're compiling.

So, how's he having gay sex with you?

The last 20 minutes of the podcast has been compiled.

I don't think we've done 20 minutes.

I think it's been like seven minutes, probably.

20 minutes.

Do I remember what?

My dick.

You're going to bring up the Holocaust again.

Did you ever notice that

who would probably be the best at giving head?

Who?

Us guys.

Because we know exactly what we want, right?

Yeah, nice.

Have you been thinking about that since we said here's another Adam Classic?

No.

Just trying to bring another one.

Yeah, that is true.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Are you trying to suck?

I think dogs would be the best at giving head.

No way.

They got got fangs.

Yeah, but they looking.

I think something with someone.

Did you ever try that peanut thing?

I'm mad I didn't try the peanut butter thing when I was younger and my dick was more sensitive.

Yeah, did you ever

felt awesome?

Did you get dogs?

I bet I had access to dogs.

You're gonna fuck someone else.

Someone else's dog?

You're gonna do it with your own dog.

Look, if you're gonna fuck a dog, you better just fuck somebody else.

I guess you're right.

That's like fucking awesome.

You don't want to fuck your dog.

Yeah, like if you were a pedophile, it's like you're gonna fuck your own kid.

A lot of them do that.

What are you?

The Joker?

Is that one of those Batman movies I don't remember?

When we were in the jungle in Burma, there was a man coming into the village raping all the little boys.

For 40 nights, we tried to figure out who was coming into the village to rape those little boys.

And then we found out it was the boy's father.

The point is, Master Wayne, there's some men just want to watch the world burn.

Some men just want to fuck a boy.

Marshall.

Sorry.

So I think people that do the best at getting head is someone with a very wet mouth that also has like Parkinson's.

Yeah.

And they have a shaky head.

Yeah, because their head shakes, dude.

Michael J.

Fox.

You know, I heard they were having Michael J.

Fox play when you were.

Yeah, man.

I would love to have Michael J.

Fox

stand-up comedy bits I've ever heard in my life.

It's so funny.

We're talking about a guy from DC, folks.

He goes,

speaking of which, which no one was speaking of at all.

I heard that

they got Michael J.

Fox playing the new Batman, which

is not true.

And the bid is like, what is Batman doing?

It has nothing to do with Parkinson's.

No, no, no, no.

Is that Batman has his shoes on the wrong feet?

Yes, that's what they do.

Which is like Parkinson's.

Parkinson's means in his mind that you are retarded and not that your hands and feet shake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That would be good.

He's diagnosed.

Man, I would love to have sex with the king Bobom.

You've been talking about that for quite some time.

I mean, look at his big mustache and shit.

He wears those mittens.

Would you fuck his ass or would he fuck your ass?

I mean, he would hold my ass and guide me into his ass.

He would use his strength to make me fuck his ass.

So your whole body would be a dick, essentially?

No, my dick would still be my dick, but he would.

Oh, he'd be using you as I see.

As like a dildo.

As a dildo.

You'd be completely powerless, even though you'd be frustrating him.

If you could fuck one video game character, what would it be?

This one right here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

It would definitely fuck Birdo's mouth.

What is the timing?

It's Birdo, dude.

It's Yoshi's girlfriend.

No, that's not Yoshi's girlfriend.

It's Yoshi's girlfriend.

Yoshi would be slobbed by that every night.

Your dick and ball.

She literally just has a flashlight on her face.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Yeah, look, she's married, too.

Oh, she's got a ring.

She's missing.

She's got a ring.

Oh, my God.

She got a big ring.

I would love to fuck Yoshi's wife.

That's not his wife, bro.

It'd be hot funny to be if Patreon kicks us off for threatening to fuck Yoshi's wife.

Ooh, what is Mario Party Winner called?

Superstar.

What are you doing?

You're doing like a...

Oh, you get a sticker.

Oh, that sucks.

You put it over her pussy.

No, take that all the way off.

Take the sticker off, Birdo.

Let me get into them pink guts.

What's partnering?

If Birdo is pink, what color do you think the inside of her pussy is?

How about turtle?

But answer my question first.

What?

Black.

You think your pussy's black?

Oh, like a light blue?

Like a Pakistani girl supposed to be?

No, there's pussy's pink.

It's like a giraffe's tongue.

Have you ever seen a giraffe's tongue?

Somebody bring me my phone.

I have to look up a Pakistani pussy.

My dead grandpa.

Somebody get grandpa's phone.

Somebody get grandpa's phone.

Well, now that you've answered my question, I will say I like it

in response to what about Turto?

What?

You like what?

Nick asked, What about Turto?

And I answered, Who's Turto?

He just said, What about?

Those look like pretty pink pussies to me, man.

No, yeah, that's a pink pussy.

That's a trans.

That's fake.

No, these are all fake.

Those are pink pussies, brother.

Check your privilege, man.

Maybe it's I know what you're saying in terms of deep purple, like a purplish.

But light blue, that's no, that's too cartoonish for a human woman's pussy.

Avatar.

Have you ever seen the movie Avatar?

Yeah, what does the inside of their pussies look like?

Well, they fuck with their tail, their

ponytails.

Oh, yeah, they like pink up.

Whoa, damn.

This one?

Yeah, I mean, it's dark, but look how big her fucking titties are.

God damn.

Are you looking at Na'Vi porn right now?

No, we're not allowed to look at this.

No, let me, come on.

No, this is off-limits for you.

Don't touch, right?

I don't like these games.

Hey, you know what?

Off-limits.

I want to see that Na'Vi shit.

You get too horny, man.

That real uncut Na'Vi shit.

If you had to fuck one color alien, would you pick green or blue?

Well, you got that girl from the

what's it called?

The Chris Pratt thing where they're in space.

She's

waiting is Zoe Saldana also an avatar girl, too?

She is.

Wow.

Damn, she's got green and blue.

She's

just fucked Zoe Saldonna.

No, I didn't say Zoe Saldana bitch.

You would have to choose the alien.

Actually, you said Joey Saldon

Jones.

No, I didn't, motherfucker.

Sean Jones.

No, I saw you did.

No, I said if you had to fuck an alien, would it be green or blue?

I would fuck.

I would probably fuck you, dude.

I would pick green.

I would pick green.

Have you seen Star Trek?

As long as the titties aren't hard.

No, of course they would be soft.

What the fuck?

Well, you don't know.

They're aliens.

Well, I'm talking aliens in popular, like the Star Trek green bitches and the...

Yeah, I'm actually getting a text hardware.

My friend Dr.

Richard.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We don't know how to say his name.

Well, he's telling me that green women are also a myth.

They've been debunked.

What?

Yeah,

green and blue alien women.

He's listening to the podcast live.

Live.

He's got the live feed.

Yeah.

Hey.

But

whatever, man.

All I know is I would like to fuck a human woman airbrushed green.

How about that?

Can we just say that?

With big-ass titties.

Yeah.

Adam, are you not even going to finish your Pokeball, dude?

I'm saving it for after the pot.

I didn't want to chew on Mike out of respect for the audience.

You just going to leave raw fish out, you motherfucker?

Yeah, just stink up the fucking apartment with raw fish.

What do you mean?

It's just closed.

The Pokeball is

a stomachache.

I'm worried about you.

I think Stav wants the Pokeball.

I'll just hold it if you want for a second.

Don't eat my Pokeball, dude.

I'm going to put it in the fridge, though.

Anyway.

Ah, the holiday season, boys.

Yeah,

you can bet on which holiday it is.

Bettheasai.com.

Is it Ramadan?

Is it Ramadan?

What is Ramadan?

Bet at bettheasai.com.

Is it the day that Muhammad first gifted his pubes to his four-year-old wife?

Take that political correctness.

Something I understand.

I don't think it is that happened.

I don't think so.

Take that.

Just saying you can bet on it.

That's not something we believe.

That's something you could.

Is Ramadan the day where you can go into any Ramada inn and have sex with the concierge at gunpoint?

Are you allowed to do that on Ramadan?

Is that what Ramadan is?

That's a good one.

Yeah.

What are some, you know, I really like Bet DSI, man.

You know, it's like.

Well, no, there has to be other options on betdesi.com that you can bet on what Ramadan is.

What Ramadan is?

Is it the classic Muslim holiday where everyone dresses up like Santa and goes and ruins the lower Isa?

Oh, you think?

Are you confusing Santa Con?

Oh, yeah, Santa Con, Ramadan.

It does sound good.

Yeah, you're right.

I am.

Those are the three choices.

It's one of.

Oh, sorry.

That's one of those three.

Well, we'll have to come up with a different choice because you just said

is Ramadan synonymous with Santa Con.

That's true.

What about Frank Sinatra, Don?

Ramadan,

is it shoving your dick into a guy named Don Z?

Yep.

Find out at betdsi.com.

What are Muslim people?

Bet on it at betdsi.com.

We're going to let you figure that one out.

Nope.

Does it mean people who are really into Star Trek?

It could be.

Which is the worst.

Bet on wetdsi.com.

Which is worse, Klingons or Muslims?

At betdsi.com.

offering bets now.

That's a really easy bet, guys.

You know, it's definitely one of them.

You have to pick one.

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And the thing about Bet Design.

They've been in business for over a million years.

Since the dawn of time.

Dinosaurs for Betsy.

Bet DSI.com has paid out.

Brother Brontosaurus has good push.

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That's right, dude.

They are the worst company.

They suck dick dick at picking

money.

Forbes called Bet DSI.com the worst company in the entire world.

But the best one, also.

The best one to gamble at, but they are profitability-wise.

The company is owned by a retarded heiress.

She's one of the humboldts,

and she's inbred.

She's got that fucked-up jaw, like that one.

Yeah, she's got a weird jaw, and she can fit a lot of dicks in there.

Her jaw is actually, that's how it got fucked up.

It's from all the incest, from all the gay incest, and uh, she was a lot of fatigue.

Her name is Betsy, but the best she's ever gotten at spelling it is B-E-T-D-S-I,

and that's where the name of the website comes out.

So, she pursed, you're betting against this dumb bitch, my name is Betsy,

and you're betting against this woman, this horribly inbred Hasper.

Yeah, So you're, so you're losing money not betting against this fucking idiot.

So you go, what you, what you're going to want to do is go to BetDSI.

Bet the SI.com.

And put in some fucking bet.

And listen, you want to bet on her during against her during the game?

Look, you don't like going to websites.

I hear you.

I'm not a website guy myself.

I'm about apps.

I love apps.

I love pulling my phone up and typing in things and saying,

saying,

doing things on my phone.

Yeah.

I like an easy-to-use mobile playing interface.

Love that shit.

And that's something you can get at betsi.com.

You know,

the app was actually the best design because the girl that owns the website is in a Stephen Hawking chair and can only communicate

with a computer.

Yeah, one of those fancy apps.

Imagine all the machinery that has to go into keeping this dumb bitch alive

also went into making their easy

mobile playing interface play win get paid.

Bet the SI offers odds on pretty much everything else, too.

Oh, everything else.

You know, not just Ramadan, but sports.

Major sports, politics, reality TV.

Dot, dot, dot.

Pretty much everything.

That's this is the copy they told me to read.

Pretty much everything else, too.

Everything else, including all major sports, all major sports.

Politics.

Politics.

Reality TV.

Reality TV.

Pretty much everything.

Pretty much everything.

That's everything, pretty much.

Pretty much, you dumb motherfucker.

If you have to think of it,

there's nothing else I can think of to bet on.

No, I don't know.

Dog fights, maybe?

Yeah.

Free Michael Vick.

Yeah.

You know, it would be nice.

Set up

simulated dog fights between famous dogs.

That's a website you could create and integrate.

That's good.

Use the Bet DSI API.

That's right.

The Ass Pussy Index.

It's an Ass Pussy Index.

And so listen for how close a woman's pussy is to her asshole.

The perfect one, if she scores a zero, they're very far apart.

Yeah, if the golden one ratio has the same, yeah, a woman's asshole should be 3.61 times tighter than her pussy.

That's right.

And if she nails that, then that's what's called classical beauty.

That's a theoretical.

You know that little spiral?

That's Socratic.

That's Socratic beauty.

The Fibonacci.

Socratic Socratic beauty.

So, anyway, you can bet on whether any girl in the world has how far her pussy is from her ass.

And they got a using the

app from anywhere.

I don't know if you do that or not.

Oh, that's the other thing, too, is you could use it anywhere.

You forgot to say that.

Say what?

But you could use it anywhere.

Yeah, I forgot to mention that you can use that app pretty much anywhere.

Pretty much anywhere.

Anything, anywhere.

You know how no other apps work that way?

No.

Apps are like geofence and they only work in certain areas.

Yeah, you try to use seamless at a place with no restaurants around.

You can suck, you can see,

you can lick the seam on my balls.

Nick's ball sack.

My seamed up balls.

My balls have no seam.

He has extra stitches.

Nick seamed himself up an extra.

He has a cross for the Lord.

He went one left and right.

Well, I have, I have, you know, I did it up like a baseball.

Yeah.

Oh, you got the baseball pattern.

And you tell your girl to suck you like a slider, like she's doing a slider.

Give me the split.

She's licking the asshole.

Number

47,

Diane.

So, yeah.

Here he comes, and there it is.

Looks like a single right to the left eye.

That's an easy out.

And she's

making his way to the mound, doing one or two licks, and he's falling asleep.

And that's it.

Nick, I can tell you're not asleep.

And he's remembering

you.

He hates eating pussy.

You're narrating you going to sleep while eating my pussy.

And pretending it's a baseball game.

Remember, the bit is more important than you getting off.

It's more important to do a bit.

You ever do a bit during sex?

Always, every time.

Always, me too.

I'm doing a bit every time I fuck.

He's having sex with a woman, Adam.

That's the greatest bit Nick does.

It must be so annoying to have sex with us.

Adam, can we finish the readme?

Can you show some professionalism?

Oh, I thought we were back on Adam.

No, Adam.

Keep doing readings.

Yeah.

Keep reading.

They offer live in-game wagering.

Keep reading.

You can make plays throughout the games and events.

So

let's say you're watching the big game, right?

And you're thinking, what's the smart play here?

Oh, yeah.

Bengals.

What's hot money?

No.

Fuck Cincinnati.

What are a vanilla?

We're just there.

Why do you say fuck Cincinnati?

You're just there, dude.

Cincinnati can suck my dick.

You didn't like it?

Thank you, everyone who came out, but that town sucks my cock.

Yeah, Ohio sucks in general.

We went in on that on the last one.

Yeah, yeah, about how people are like, that's so Ohio, like people from there.

Ugh, do they do that?

Yet a new thing.

Anyway, yeah, I mean, it's the worst state.

It sounds like a deaf person named it.

It is like in it's all the shittiest parts of Pennsylvania, West Virginia.

Columbus is cool, is that right?

College town?

Columbus actually was the cool.

I liked Columbus.

They got a MLS team, the crew.

Oh, they do.

You're right.

Anyway, promo code, what is it?

No, what are we betting on this week?

This week we got Take Ramirez against Chuck Chaknikov.

Yeah, you heard it?

Yeah.

I've been really impressed by his ground and pound or whatever dumb shit.

I fucking hate mixed martial arts.

No, it's fun to watch.

Is there a new one?

Pretty fucking boring.

There's a new fight this weekend.

Yeah, Maliknikov versus Suck Diddle.

Yeah, my rich.

Lick my cock.

Chuck Liddell.

Chuck Liddell did fight.

He got his ass smoked.

Jr.

Tiny Nuts De Santes.

He's sponsored by a pistachio.

He was raised in the back of a Volkswagen bug in Favela outside of Rio de Chacacia.

And his parents were actually dirt.

Just pieces of dirt.

He was born in

the garbage.

And he is

evidence that communism is a bad idea.

So take Little Nuts Ramirez

this weekend.

Take that to the bank.

When you sign up, make sure to use promo code CUM120 so they know we sent you.

When you sign up, you've got some options.

You can just play and cash out.

Or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables.

Wow.

Can you imagine that?

You walk into a casino.

Somebody says, sir, here you go.

Here's a piece of shrimp or whatever.

I don't know what a casino comp is.

Yeah, cigarettes, pussy.

Yeah,

here's a woman's pussy to just fucking use.

Just use this bitch.

You're staying at the Bellagio.

And that's what the bonus money is like.

Just like that.

And it has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash.

So if you're going to be in the sports book, which is where we're going to be in the middle of the game.

We love the fucking sports book.

I like sitting there just watching the games.

They got big TVs.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

That's so right.

Yep.

I love going into that sports book area at the casino.

Oh, dude, it's wearing my big cowboy hat, my assless chaps.

That's right.

You know what I bet on?

What does a feller gotta do around here to

fuck?

You know what I bet on all the time?

Sex.

Buggy.

Do you ever see those buggy races?

They always got those planned up

at sports books.

Yeah, I see.

You never seen a buggy race?

I have.

Adam, I have.

What's it called?

Psych.

Yeah.

Fuck.

There you go.

Psych.

So come 120.

Use

Como Pro 1 Cum

and something.

Como Prode 1Come 20.

You scream.

Damn, my brain hurts.

Promo code Come 120 and you get the comp and you get the pussy and it's drama.

1,000 into 1,600 to play with.

Once again, that's BettheSI.com.

Come 120.

Come 120.

Let's start the show.

Start the show.

I'm a gay guy.

They call me the gay guy.

Tonight on the McLaughlin group.

Beth the SI.

Well, Eleanor Cliff, fuck me.

2101 odds.

Eleanor, balls in your court.

This is highly inappropriate.

Come on.

John, give me a little sugar.

Can I get a whiff of your pussy at least?

John, we work together with you.

Does Eleanor shave her pussy?

I think she's a total bitch.

Crap Buchanan, what does Eleanor's pussy smell like?

The Holocaust never happened.

That guy's a straight-up Holocaust and I are Buchanan.

Oh, cool that we had to make this about you.

It's about us.

We're doing a bit for everybody, and now

it's Adam's bit corner.

You guys do bits during sex, man.

I'm deathly serious.

Oh, I do, Jokes.

Well, that's because you're so disgusting and physically laughable to look at.

Dude, the whole concept of making a passionate love and then whispering in someone's ear.

Making a passionate love, huh?

Making passionate love, and then while you're doing it, whispering something in someone's ear,

you could really play with that format and say some very funny things.

No, man.

You just gotta fuck.

You gotta get some nuts off.

I love telling my girlfriend she's canceled.

When the cock comes out, that's when I get serious.

No, when I'm deep inside, dying of laughter at your laughable dick.

No, no, at my joke.

It's not my joke.

You missed it earlier.

It's not my joke.

It's not my joke.

I said to Stav.

I was like, oh, I didn't realize that laughable thing was a podcast app and not

the size of your dick.

He got that.

I said that to him.

He got him.

Earlier, I said that.

You said it better earlier.

I did.

Kind of jumbled in.

Well,

you don't even have to be there.

You can kind of appreciate it.

Should we tell Saab about all the bits that we did on the show when he was in Ohio?

Oh, yeah.

What did you guys do?

We talked to some girl that says you raped her.

Yeah, we had her on.

She was crying most of the time.

That didn't happen.

We had some girl that says you sexually assaulted her.

That's not true.

She said that it wasn't a physical sexual assault, but she was.

That I was creepy.

That it was

traumatized.

She had a Stavish Golden Angels tattoo on her pussy, and I asked to see it with my tongue.

How do you get a tattoo on your pussy?

Yeah, a thing I like to do as a nerd is to just walk down the street, punch a woman in the face, and rip her clothes off, and say, I was looking for Pluto.

And when people question me, I go, I'm a scientist.

Yeah, I have a beaker.

I put a beaker in a girl's pussy, and I'm like, I'm doing an experiment.

I'm doing science, you fucking dumb bitch.

Your last time, I'm a scientist.

I'm a fucking scientist.

You can't get mad at me.

I love having gay sex.

Mario.

Shardy.

Damn, my head.

Mario Shardy?

My head hurts.

What's wrong, bro?

Yeah, man.

I barely slept last night.

That's why I sound like I'm fucking stoned on this episode.

Yeah, dude.

I'll be better for you people next time.

I just thought Sava's back.

It's going to be easier.

I don't have to talk.

Well, we've been playing Mario Party for six hours.

No, I'm so sorry.

Mario Party is 30 years.

Dude, that's...

Jeez, Lee.

I can't imagine.

It is exhausting.

It's not that much, BF.

How stick.

I have to talk for an hour.

At least half the time.

They probably did at least 75% of the talking.

Yep.

That's 25%.

It would be funny.

It would be really funny to see a breakdown of how many minutes per

episode we had.

I've had some straw.

I don't think I've had single digits.

You might have.

There have been some.

I've flirted with it.

Yeah, you can't count laughter either.

Yeah.

Are you laughing and repeating something that somebody said?

I've never repeated anything anyone else has said.

That's 90% of your jokes on the shit.

What do you mean, repeating?

Just being like, you know,

a good punchline, then being like,

that's not true.

I have a lot of jokes on the show.

Okay.

The one where I called myself a bug who eats dust.

No, that wasn't you.

The one where I called myself a baby who likes baby things.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

Oh, shut up.

Alright, new topic of discussion.

Okay.

Ready?

Set.

Russia.

Russia!

most beautiful women in the world not including Eleanor of course

Are they going to invade Poland and turn them into sex slaves?

Apple can.

Yes, and we should nuke them right now.

We should use them.

Honestly, I got to say, Putin had a good-ass year, man.

Yeah.

He's just getting to do whatever the fuck he wants.

Yeah, let's go.

Power rankings.

Putin really nailed it.

Putin's up there.

And it's pretty funny that you can just fuck up a guy with a bone saw and everyone's like, ah, whatever.

The Saudis straight up.

Didn't the Saudis just admit they did 9-11?

Yeah, they did do 9-11.

That shit is fucking hard.

Yeah, and then they told Canada that they'd fucked them up.

Shouts out to Saudi Arabia.

Yeah, and also, fuck that Canada guy.

I don't like him at all.

Dude, Trudeau.

Yeah, he's a fucking loser.

Yeah, anybody though.

Anybody's ethnically French is trash.

I agree.

Is he a Quebecois?

Of course.

That's fucking trash.

His dad was Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.

How about his name was Pierre?

Yeah, of course.

That's a fucking dumbass name.

How about a

French name?

Minister.

Oh, crime minister.

And it's like a dark priest.

Oh, shit.

And what he does is he has sex with children.

Okay.

About 30% of the Catholics.

Yeah.

Is Venom any good?

I kind of want to watch Venom.

I saw the tongue.

It looks disgusting.

The reviews of it make it seem like it's bad, but then I think the reviews just think it's bad because it's just like a dumb movie and not like that Marvel bullshit where it's like, Yeah, should the government be spying on people?

Oh, yeah, he's like a moral.

He's kind of like a spider.

Like, what the fuck?

Yeah, who gives a shit?

Why does it need to be relevant?

Well, he's like a bad, he's he's like an alien, I thought.

There's an Eminem, there's an Eminem soundtrack, which is Eminem does all the songs that tells you everything you need to know.

Is that for real?

No, but he's got a song on it that's

you get by an alien, and now I'm gay alien for man.

Eminem did say he's on Grindr.

Yeah.

And now I'm on Grinder.

Yeah.

And now I'm on Grindr.

I think he's by.

No way.

Everyone would know that.

I'm not even fucking kidding, dude.

I'm for real.

Eminem is gay?

He said something about like, he says he uses...

This was like...

six months ago.

To find like people to blaze with me?

No, he's like, he's like, I use all the dating apps.

I use Tinder.

I use Grinder.

That's a quote from Eminem.

Maybe he's joking no i think he's

i know eminem says he uses gay dating app

you know what i wonder this is from a year ago i see i couldn't use the dating apps for a while because my penis isn't working but then i went to bluechew.com

and they sent me medicine that makes custom medicine custom medicine from bluechew.com that makes my dick

work just like it did when it sucked when it just regular sucked yeah exactly.

If you have a fucked up dick like me and Nick, it'll make your dick just kind of adequate again.

Yeah.

With a lot of hemming and hawing.

You can actually fuck.

He was making a joke.

Eminem's not gay.

He was making a joke.

Yeah, right.

Apologize.

A spokesman said that it was a joke.

No, he's gay.

That would fucking rule, dude.

That would explain the little gay-ass beard he's got now.

It looks like a gay man's beard.

Oh, cool.

Just leave now adam you motherfucker

oh you suck ass dude all i wanted was a little fucking support on my his gay no we're doing blue chipman's beard what do you mean are we doing whatever adam go away you you literally heard me say it you're just walking away i'm not walking away i was just getting more water i gotta find a fucking copy this is so it's so funny i was so excited to have them as a sponsor because it's like oh this is something like I actually well listen you want me to speak from the heart man you know what's been nice is like taking those dick pills and like like not even fucking or beating off.

Just like having a hard-ass dick out of nowhere.

Right, because I'm a drug addict, so like just taking a pill and having something happen is like an event.

Yeah.

You know, and I get something out of that.

It's like, even if you don't need dick pills, you should probably go to bluechew.com and buy them anyways.

It's fun.

Because it's like drinking non-alcoholic beer if you have like an opiate problem or whatever.

Just make sure you lie about having another drug issue on the intake form.

Because they do, like, they do.

You do need an actual prescription.

Medical.

There is a doctor on there.

So

they're 100% legal advice.

No.

I think you have to be careful because it's a medicine company.

Yeah, no, you should be careful.

Listen,

it's not shoes.

Let me say this.

It's not boots from Chicago.

Let us say this.

Do not lie

on the thing to get dick pills.

Do not

do that stance if you have some kind of heart condition or they ask you about other use of drugs do not lie to get the dick pills

if you have high blood pressure do not lie about that

me and nick certainly have not done that i have we have never done

any such thing

and we will not we will not we do not want our lives in fact i'm on the record as saying that i have never done cocaine no nor do i have heart issues.

Right.

I do not see stars when I stand up.

And neither do I as of recently.

I do not have to hold on to the wall every time I sneeze because everything goes dark for a second.

I have not taken so many dick pills, the vision in my left eye starts to flicker.

That is for sure.

Yeah.

I have not taken an entire quote-unquote month's supply

just to see what happens.

And neither should you.

Yeah.

It's all this shit is by a doctor, but no waiting in line or any of that fucking little bit.

No waiting in line.

None of that embarrassing pharmacy line where they go.

They're like, whoa.

Sir, next, are these your dick pills?

A guy with a little last dick that doesn't get hard.

Your prescription is ready.

Excuse me.

The small penised man standing next to the hot woman

who was going to fuck him until I said this?

Yeah, yeah, with the woman whose tits that have a tattoo on them that says, Anyone is allowed to fuck me as long as they don't need dick pills, your dick pills are ready.

That's a thing of the past, that's a thing of the past.

Which used to happen to me six times a fucking day.

Yeah, now you can take the dick pills, hang out in the pharmacy,

and then you'd be like, Oh, yeah, I'm not here for dick pills, I don't need stuff like that.

What's your name?

Yeah, my name's Richard.

My last name is actually

so yeah, that's the best part.

And look,

seeing as how you don't do any of that, you just take one dose, it gets your dick nice and hard.

It's good for you, it's good for your fucking partner.

She's going to be coming all over that fucking suddenly hard dick.

And thank you for saying partner, soft, too.

I also said she, but she or he, he or she, he or she will be getting stuffed right, whether it's the bung hole or the pussy, or yeah, the mouth.

Maybe you use his nuts like a fucking fleshlight you wrap his nuts around your hard-ass dick and fuck that and it's chewable so they work faster than pills yep yeah straight into your blood the same active ingredients as viagra and sialis which is glad to fil and some other shit so that's good yeah that's the good stuff

and you can take it on a full or empty stomach because they're chewable yep and if you're like stav and you don't have teeth you can just suck on them plenty of teeth but

sometimes i suck on them for the flavor stav is literally incapable of taking his chewable dick pills anymore.

It was just dissolve in my mouth because he's too fat for teeth.

It ships directly to your door in discreet packaging.

No doctor visit, no awkward conversation.

I put them in my smoothies.

They give you confidence in bed every time.

You and your partner will love it.

Because, you know, confidence is everything, fellas.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes when I'm on a job interview to feel more confident, I take four blue chews.

And my dick is hard as shit coming through my khakis.

And that gives me the confidence to be

the deli guy at Keith.

There's two paths to confidence.

You're either somebody that's been gifted in life, and you live a blissful, delusional existence, as somebody that just has things, or you accept complete, utter, and total defeat.

You're somebody whose dick doesn't work.

People don't fucking like you.

You're going to die anyways.

And then you sink into that.

And then that's where real confidence comes from.

That's acceptance.

It's better than the natural confidence, right?

Exactly, because then you can fuck the kind of women that don't care that you're taking

the kinds of women who, whether you were hard or not, truly doesn't even matter, doesn't matter.

You're not going to fulfill them sexually or emotionally.

You're just kind of wasting time.

They've never

been better if you were paying them.

If you'd be

you'd feel less guilty, you would feel better.

Yeah, yeah, you would feel guilty

than if it weren't just some kind of mutual defeat.

Where you're both doing an impression of happier people.

Acting like you don't have problems.

Oh, shit.

Acting like you're not thinking about some terrible things while you're inside of her.

I think of tragedies.

I think you just embarrassments.

Oh, I just think of self.

Is that what you think, Nick?

I think you think, look how cool I am.

You know what I'm thinking?

Having sex.

I'm Adam.

Sometimes I do think that.

Look how cool I am.

It is.

You haven't thought that before?

I'm thinking, damn, nice.

Like, I love looking at titties.

Sometimes I think this is the ultimate.

See, that's the thing.

I don't think while I fuck.

It's the best.

You're an animal.

I overthink for my whole life.

And I'm just finally the pussy.

I'm smelling pussy juice in the air

when it mists up and turns into vapor and it hits my nostrils.

I'm not doing bits.

I'm not thinking about it.

I have the same exact thoughts I have in the shower.

It's like

an identical.

Oh, fuck.

Because you have a loofah in your ass both times?

No, I don't actually wash myself in the shower.

I just stand there.

I just go through my enemies list in my brain.

And I think to myself, damn it, I would love to.

Be in the kind of shower that doesn't have water that comes out of the faucet.

The gas comes out.

When I'm having sex, I feel like an animal.

and nothing turns me into more of a fucking girl.

Nothing turns me into a fucking ape like Blue Chew.

I attacked a pussy like a silver bag.

I used to say gorillas have small dicks because that way you can tell women you have a gorilla dick.

And then when they see it and they're angry, you're allowed to beat them to death.

Because you already explained that you're a gorilla.

Yeah, I mean, you already have the gorilla.

I like that.

That's what Tomovich.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I don't know about you.

Go ahead, do the bit, Adam.

You said it a second before.

Go ahead, do it.

I'm not stealing anything.

No, go ahead.

No, I'm done.

Go ahead, do it.

Nothing.

Go ahead.

Bluechew.com/slash.

Mike Cernovich has a book about

being like an ape.

Which I haven't read.

Oh, he's got a book, huh?

It looks like we got a regular Matilda over here.

Matilda was the smartest girl?

Bluechew.com/slash town.

Yeah, no, that's the other one.

You go to bluechew.com, you get your first order for you, and you use promo code code COMETOWN.

Nice.

Salute to them.

All capital letters, you just pay the five bucks for shipping.

And so that's like, that's just, that's tight, actually, because it's like fucking...

It's free medicine, bro.

Yeah, it's a medicine.

It's expensive.

We don't want free Medicaid.

Yeah, this is Medicaid for you.

And from what I understand from Angry Women Online,

is that dick pills are covered by something, I think.

Yeah, old guys can get dick pills.

Angry women?

Yeah, old guys can get dick pills.

You can't get.

Well, that's a defense of like, you know, birth control being in.

You see, people get into arguments about, like, employers shouldn't have to pay for birth control, you slut, or whatever.

But they pay for dick pills.

And women are like, I need the birth control for more than just fucking a billion.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

I'm going to fuck a billion dollars.

Am I going to fuck 100 guys as soon as I break up with some awesome guy?

Who?

I don't know, some guy.

What chick are you talking about, dude?

I'm just doing a general big chicken.

No, he's talking about somebody in particular.

He was thinking of them and he was a little bit more.

He sounded like someone in particular.

I'm literally not.

He was.

Dude, he totally was

who he was thinking about.

No.

Just say her name.

Some woman materialized.

Say her daughter.

Who's the woman that hurt you?

Matilda Mullen.

My daughter.

I would love to be the dad and Matilda.

There's a dad in the wing.

Fucking dad.

Dane DeVito, man.

What the fuck?

I thought she's an orphan.

Damn.

I'm going to get married to your daughters.

You're so fucking dumb, Adam.

Would you?

You're so fucking stupid.

I'm kidding, man.

Just chill out.

We're joking.

God damn it, dude.

You're honestly making kind of weird stuff.

Maybe you should take a chill pill or Blue Chew Chill Pill.

That's what I call them.

A Netflix and Chill Pill.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

That's pretty clever.

Maybe you should put that on the website, you fucking assholes.

Oh, I think I'm about to.

You should put that on bluechew.com, Netflix and chill pill, and then you fucking pay me money, even though you already give me dick pills for free.

I think I'm about to get your birthday present, Nick.

You got me a birthday present?

Well, I haven't gotten it yet, but I just think I just got an email.

I'm about to get it.

You're a sweetheart.

Nice.

It's from Star Vanda.

Oh, yeah.

You'll see it when you'll like it, man.

You'll like it.

It's a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.

Yes, it is.

I knew it.

It's a borders.

To Borders, books, and music.

Anyway,

I remember.

I guess we're done, right?

With the comepods.

Bluechew.com and use get your first order free when you

use promo code COMETOWN.

Just pay $5 shipping.

Again, that's B-L-E-U-C-H-E-W.com.

That's probably important to say.

That's not true.

No, it's B-L-U-E.

Yeah.

C-H-E-W.

You said E-U.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, folks.

I have trouble reading and remembering.

Nick on the way over here claimed he didn't know the difference between left and right.

I literally don't.

Neither literally nor politically.

There's literally the horseshoe theory.

And you know what that theory is?

That if you want to get lucky,

sometimes you got to rape.

I don't think that's it.

That's the horseshoe theory.

I think it's something about same extremes ending up being the same or something like that.

So you mean you throw a horseshoe at a woman's head and have sex with them?

Is that the theory you're talking about?

When I was a kid,

there was a retarded kid that had a hammer and he was about to come down on my head with it real hard but a teacher stopped him at the last second and i always think that like he could have made me like him

he's like a vampire yeah retarded people could be vampires a retarded guy with a hammer yeah is essentially a vampire a werewolf and i you know i just i always think about that it's like what if that retarded kid had used his power to Make me also retarded.

If he bit you?

No, man.

No, the hammer.

I know you have to leave the room every five minutes yeah you've been going a lot along a way a lot man i'm sorry guys no you aren't dude you're never sorry you don't know

what's wrong what's wrong big guy just having a rough day

you know tomorrow's another day how was your pokeball

it's in the fridge good i'm glad to hear that what do you mean i'm worried about you getting fucking bacteria i do

the pokeball i'm serious about that see

what are you talking about dude i we ate raw fish all the time in Japan.

Yeah, but that's the good shit.

That's the radioactive shit.

It killed all the bacteria.

The Fukushima.

All the Fukushima got the fucking bacteria dead.

The Fukushima.

And if you put enough radioactive fish around your cock, it'll grow

and start glowing.

What a gay song, dude.

Radioactive?

No, this Mario Party song.

I'm so much cooler than this game, dude.

That's why I like playing it to prove how much cooler I am than the game for babies.

You got so mad when when someone stole your ally, dude.

I did.

So, what are your Christmas resolutions, guys?

Or New Year's resolutions?

Grow my cock a couple inches somehow.

To grow your cock?

Yeah, jelk.

Jelk.

Jelking.

I think maybe pescatarian.

Nah, fuck that.

Why not?

I don't know, man.

You should do it.

Stop.

Why don't you just be vegan?

I tried.

I ate too many potato chips and potatoes in general.

Yeah.

How long do you try to be vegan for?

Like two and a half weeks.

Really?

This year?

Yeah, much earlier.

No.

I fed Stav a vegan brownie earlier.

It was good.

Nick thinks a vegan brownie is just his shit.

Yeah.

I ate his shit out of his ass.

If you're vegan, the only kind of food.

No.

Ah, dude, you're so gay.

I ate your shit.

No.

Because I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm like, oh, my my turds.

Your windows open or I'm popping.

Gay guys are going to reach into your ass and steal your turds.

Dude, I don't know.

I'm willing to admit that maybe I might be inching towards leaving the category of regular obese

and getting dangerously close to actually being morbidly obese.

I have gotten much faster.

I'm already morbidly obese, though.

I'm at the edge of regular obese and flirting with morbidly obese.

You weigh more than LeBron.

Yes, but I'm also more powerful.

That's not true, though.

LeBron's 6'9.

I'm more dense than him, dude.

Yeah.

His weight is spread out over 60%.

Yeah, dude, it's like Wario versus Waluigi.

Who's more powerful?

Definitely Wario.

Wario.

Because he's squatter?

He's squat.

He squats.

Stav's got a lower center of gravity than

anyone.

You'd think LeBron could be.

He's got fat.

LeBron's must.

Stav's built like a manhole colour.

Thank you, Nick.

Uh-huh.

You know how hard those are to fucking pick up.

You can't tackle one.

They're already on the ground.

Exactly.

You want to see me on all fours, dude?

Just coming at you like I.

What are we laughing about?

You running to the stage to collect a medal, and

you can't go up the stairs.

You destroy

like a street shark.

What was the context of that?

I don't remember, man.

Dude, I was laughing so hard.

Remember that ramen restaurant?

Oh, yeah.

And hitting on that girl.

Oh, yeah.

Damn, you got the iPhone, too.

That's crazy.

That's, yeah, yeah.

No, I love just fucking down.

I'm like always downloading apps and stuff.

I'm on my phone

constantly.

Always.

I'm a tech head.

I can't get enough.

Do you have a phone?

You have a phone?

Oh, yeah, you do.

That's how we started.

Damn, maybe I should, maybe we should, like, use our phones together sometime.

Maybe text each other.

No, I'm just, no, I'm just kidding.

But what's your number, though?

Oh, no, I'm cool.

I'm all right.

Sometimes I just

start crying.

I'm good.

I'm good.

No, I'm good.

I'm fucking good.

Bitch, I said.

I said I'm good.

Now, do you want to get out of here or what?

Do you want to fuck?

Stop talking to this fucking asshole.

This guy.

And pay attention to me.

Yeah.

He's my butta, then.

Maybe I should fuck him, too.

Just kidding.

He's cute, though.

He's cute.

He's cute.

He's cute.

I'll fuck him if it makes you think I'm cool.

I think he's fucking cute.

I think he's cute.

I'm kidding.

I mean, I don't mean it.

I don't know why.

Please let me fuck you, please.

Can I please have sex with you?

It'll prove I'm not gay.

I just want to prove I'm not gay.

I'm just out here.

I'm just out here tonight trying to prove I'm not gay.

I gay trying to fuck girls, and I end up fucking them.

Girls, fucking their brothers.

Girls, it's just like, oh of course

just dumb

do you think guys ever cried his way into pussy you have done it you literally

bus yeah you liar oh yeah you

literally have cried my way into pussy

i deserved it i really deserved it that time you didn't i really did just that time though no and then you some crazy bitch that was walking her dog or something no not homeless girl that she was looking for shelter to take advantage of her.

That girl's like, I'm living outside right now.

She wasn't like, do you want to come into my apartment?

You literally brought a homeless girl.

This man brought a woman with nowhere to go and limited options to his place.

No, no.

She had a home.

That's what they call a smooth criminal.

Then I rape joke, posty.

And I did a little rape joke into a postie.

And I was fucking

setting up.

I was doing a bit hits.

I fucking

be a hitch.

I love that Louis C.K.

is trying to have a comeback every like two and a half weeks.

And it fails.

And it feels worse every time.

What did he do recently?

I missed it.

It's like, God, I don't know what I just don't know.

That girl yelled at him at the cellar.

Oh, yeah.

And then there was like nine outlets that were like, she's a badass, badass queen.

She's our girl boss, badass.

And we fucking love her.

And she's our fucking hero.

It's also smart.

They're like, where did you get it?

She got her tab covered at the cellar.

That's where did that's the thing.

Oh, yeah, but it doesn't even need to be Louis C.K.

You can go there and object to Ian Fidance.

Actually, if you live in New York, literally a shit.

If you live in New York, find out what night Ian is at the comedy cellar, go there,

and then fucking complain when he just talks about having sex with trans people.

And you can just eat for free at the comedy cellar whenever the fuck you're going to be.

Yeah, they cover your tab.

They cover your tab.

Honestly, go to the comedy cellar, get the wings, complain about Ian, have a nice night out of the fire.

Get a picture for free.

Yeah.

Get a couple pictures of brood.

Yeah, just the show show's starting.

It's a whole bunch of families from Wisconsin.

It's like, everybody, just let a trans person fuck you in the ass.

Boom chocolate.

What are you guys doing?

Just kidding.

How are you guys doing?

Please.

Can I fuck your brother?

Fuck that's Ian.

That guy is so Ian.

I bet you Ian has literally tried to fuck a woman and ended up fucking at least a male friend of hers.

Well, that's going to do it, fellas.

That's the show.

Remember, go to patreon.com/slash come town, click report.

No, don't do that.

Subscribe.

If Sargon of Akkad isn't allowed to keep his magic tricks for racist kids,

whoever the fuck that is,

whatever he does.

How do you think that's a good thing?

Is this your card?

Yeah.

And it's just a king that says the N-word on it.

This is not hubris.

I'm being 100% accurate.

We are the modern-day Mark Twain.

We are Mark Twain.

Yeah.

This show is Mark Twain.

Satire.

Suck Mule Cockmullin.

So if you want to

cancel Cometown, you better be ready to cancel Mark Twain.

Yeah.

Author of The Sandbot,

How to Lose Gold Raspbles.

Yep.

10 Things I Hate About.

The Secret.

The Game.

Oh, yeah.

He didn't write the game.

He wrote the game.

He was getting pussy on Louisiana steamboats steamboats by calling bitches.

Dukes of hazard.

He used to do that.

Yeah, we're a lot like, you know, how Mel Brooks dressed up like Nazis,

right?

Pizza was written.

Black Knight was written by Mark Twain.

Dark Knight.

Originally, Black Knight with Black Knight.

I mean, they changed the name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It had a real Sargon name.

Let's just call it Black Jim.

Let's just call it Sargon Night.

Thank you to everyone who came out to see me in Ohio this past weekend.

I'm coming to Pittsburgh on the 11th,

Buffalo, January 12th, the next night.

And then I'm in Phoenix on January 19th.

And L.A.

is a little bit more than 100%.

It's P-H-E-O-N-I-S.

Phoenix.

Phonics.

Phoenix.

So please buy tickets.

All that shit.

Go to stavi.biz.

Pittsburgh.

Buffalo.

Phoenix.

L.A.

I'm also going to Harrisburg before Buffalo, Schenectady, after Buffalo.

All that shit.

There's other dates.

I remember typing Phoenix into the computer like nine times, P-H-E-O-N-I-X, and it kept telling me it was wrong, and I was like, no, bitch!

Screaming in my computer.

Like, that doesn't make any sense.

Phoe Enix.

You dumb bitch.

No, I'm smart.

Yeah, you are, dude.

I know that about you, dude.

You ever see that movie, The Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes?

No.

No.

It's

Kurt Russell, and he he gets struck by lightning in the computer room at his college, and he's smart.

Like the computer.

Oh, nice.

Cool.

That sounds like a worst version of how high we were.

How about

the computer that wore alligator shoes?

You know, like

and middle-aged.

Yeah, like

bigger than Magic Tommy.

And he's like, Bitch, bring that pussy over here.

Let me do some math on it.

Why don't you let me crunch some numbers?

That's why I call when you slide this in there, crunch them numbers up.

Well, that's what that guy, John Nash, did.

He did math on pussy.

Yeah, John Smash.

John Smash.

Who's John Nash?

A beautiful mind.

A beautiful mind, dude.

He fucked.

A beautiful behind, dude.

Not really.

He was gay, too.

He was?

He fucked in bathrooms.

He would go crazy.

He had schizophrenia, so you would have a schizophrenic episode and then have sex with men.

Yeah, that's what a finance.

A real finance situation is.

He goes finance in some bathrooms.

Dirty financing is just having unprotected gay sex

with a man who has diarrhea, maybe.

Anyway, I'll workshop that one.

Ian took some huge L on Twitter a couple weeks ago.

Yeah, that girl.

Yeah, that girl's Dash's friend.

That's so, it was so funny.

She dragged him.

Ian could be dragged every tweet.

I mean, every tweet is just

the worst.

Yeah, he's the worst

by far.

I wonder, real quick.

He takes every position.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, right.

He's like, it's the liberals and the conservatives, man.

Let's see.

But we're all losing our minds over here, brother.

That's the thing is, like, he's like the classic shitty comedian.

Like Lewis Black?

Yeah, well, no,

like, have you ever considered that everybody's wrong?

Except me, of course.

I'm not elevated beyond this discussion that I have not thought about or haven't yet for a second.

Looked into

beyond, like, I'm going to try and write a joke about this.

I can't.

Well, I guess I'll just be better than it.

Well, he hasn't tweeted anything.

He's just been retweeting.

Yeah, because he got owned by that girl, Kristen.

Let's see what the last thing he tweeted was.

Hey, gang, listen, we're all racial.

The human racial.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my fucking.

That's just the last thing he tweeted.

I wasn't even looking for a bad one.

I saw something.

That's a really good

black and white headshot of an old white guy with a white beard.

He says, Friend, there's only one gender, the human gender.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

This is the next one.

Again, I'm not even trying to pick bad ones.

Hannah Gadsby made a speech about good men calling out bad men, but they themselves not being good.

Already beautiful for start.

It's time to be honest.

I shit with door open.

Sometimes I steal flowers from the cemetery.

I hit other people's kids on subway, but I do not catcall.

So deep down, I good man, Hannah.

He doesn't do any of this.

That's not a point.

And he doesn't do those things.

He doesn't steal flowers from the cemetery.

To what?

He goes to a cemetery.

That's so fucking stupid, man.

That's him.

That's his idea of like bad things.

Dude, he does it.

Every time he tweets, he thinks he's Bukowski.

He's awesome.

Like, he thinks he's like a subversive artist.

He's so good.

Yeah.

Like a drug guy.

The pen one is the best.

That one.

Republicans are only supposed to attack women with pen and legislation.

Pen and legislation?

Pen and legislation.

Fucking.

Disaster.

That's so classic dumb.

But now our fans are fucking trying to sound smart.

But now our fans are going to.

No, they're not.

Whatever they are.

This is the whole thing.

That's like.

Ian is the king of taking L's, dude.

Yeah, he's the best at it.

He's the best.

He's successful by losing.

He's like an absolute fucking tragedy.

Everything about that guy is a fucking disaster.

And it was set in motion 25 years ago.

It's not his.

In a certain train yard, where I'm not going to say what happened.

Shut up.

But yeah, that's just like, that's Ian's thing, and that's great.

I love him.

Well, everyone.

I love him too.

He's hilarious, too.

As a hang, he's the best.

So that's our show, everyone.

Right.

We'll suck you off later.

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