Ep. 133 – grandma’s boy

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All right.

All right.

Here we are at C-U-M T-O-W-N dot com.

You're the nation's number one premier destination for ordering sex with some young married.

I don't know if we actually have, we don't have that domain.

Which one?

Comtown.com?

Probably not.

No.

We do have come.town.

That's a good one to have.

Yeah.

We're here in the Pad Nick bought Mario Party.

That's right.

Yeah, we got a Switch and we got a Mario Party going.

A lot of people are complaining about me playing Red Dead Redemption on the show.

And I hear you.

I saw all the people deleting their subscriptions.

I saw the feedback.

I got the emails.

You win.

I'll play Mario Party instead.

And now, if you guys were mad that only Nick was playing video games, guess what?

Don't worry, because now all three of us are playing Mario Party.

We're all playing Mario Party.

Now, this is interesting.

There's actually been 11 Mario Parties.

Really?

Yeah, this is the 11th Mario Party.

And if you play Mario Party 9 and then Mario Party 11, you get to play as the Towers.

If you delete your Type 1, you get to be Muhammad bin Sa'.

What the fuck was Mario?

You delete your save file.

First, you play Mario Party 9, you put that in the Switch, and then you unload it, and then put in 11.

And then you delete your save file for Smash, and then reload the save file, and then you get to play as the Twin Towers.

Really?

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah.

What were the hijackers' names?

Muhammad Atta.

Atta.

Muhammad Atta.

That's a cool name.

Who evolves into Muhammad Ataba?

Ahamed Rex Atta.

Yeah, Muhammad Atata.

I'm the fat little.

Check this out.

You got special dice you can roll.

That's right, bitch.

And I'm rolling them right now.

So suck this fat hog.

I'm Monty the Mole.

Star's playing as Monty Mole, who looks surprisingly like Starlight.

A lot like Steve.

Then it's me.

Except for the two front teeth.

He's only got one front tooth.

Thank you, bitch.

Is that one?

Yes.

Yeah, it's one tooth.

Adam is.

We're playing a game for babies because Adam doesn't know how to count between one and two.

It's difficult for me.

Ooh, Wario's got a

special block, bitch.

Do you roll it out of your ass?

Negative two.

Haha, you dumb bastard.

You dumb bastard.

Oh, now we're playing a game.

A mini-game.

Yep, so this is what you have to look forward to for the rest of Don't Wake Wiggler.

That's a good game.

I got another one on the tip of my tongue.

Oh, Fuzzy Flight School, how apt for 9-11.

Are we playing?

No, this is just practice.

Oh, what?

You got to move this shit around?

Fuck that.

I want to do buttons, dude.

Yeah, I'm more of a button.

Okay, so I thought this would be a good idea.

This is a horrible idea.

This is going to destroy the show.

Yeah.

Way more than Red Dead Redemption did.

Alright, let's just play this one minimum game.

We'll play this one mini-game and then we'll get to work.

And then after that, we log in.

We clock in.

We punch in the clock.

We start pun clock punching up in here.

We punch in the clock and we suck off the cock.

It's getting hot in here, so I'm going to take out my cock.

I am taking out my cock just to cool it off.

My cock is fucking hot.

Just uh

taking it out.

Fifties guy in like uh Birmingham, Alabama, and he's just washing his dick and balls in the blacks only mountain.

She's like, oh, it's hot today out there, isn't it?

Boy, I tell you what, Clayo, it certainly is.

Just scorch you.

It is.

Just a fucking

family waiting in line.

A black family patiently waiting in line.

Like suits.

All of them are wearing suits.

He's in overalls.

They're like, you go, yes, sir, Massim.

It just, the sign says colors slash white penis

fountain.

Just the sheriff washing his asshole.

Sheriff is just bedeting his asshole in the black hole.

Boy, I tell you, it is a scorcher out there.

What the fuck?

Adam, press SL and SR, bitch.

Oh.

We're waiting on you.

I didn't realize.

Sorry.

Yeah, I bet you didn't, dude.

We're all fucking busy here, dude.

We gotta finish.

If we don't finish this, we can't punch in.

We can't punch the clock in.

We can't have the JSX.

Hello, my name is JSEX Sindal.

Oh, fuck!

God damn it.

Yeah, no, this is sucks.

This game sucks, dick.

This game sucks, dude.

Fuck this.

This is fucking fucking sucks.

Shit's fucking gay, dude.

Yeah.

Fuck you, but fuck.

Damn, I got one life left, and my ass just got fucking obliterated.

Fuck.

Oh, did Adam's gas

by being juicy?

Yoshi.

I was just cheating the whole time.

Alright, it's over.

The game's over.

Adam won.

This game sucks.

What do you mean?

I won.

No, it's over.

It clearly is a glitch in the control game.

The game is broken.

Yeah.

But, you know, because the game is for babies.

I got plus eight.

This seems fucking gay, dude.

It makes sense to the baby and win the baby.

I got plus eight coins.

Yeah, I bet you did, man.

I bet you know exactly how many coins you have.

I have 14 coins.

Alright, this is over.

Fuck you.

You clearly cheated.

You clearly programmed the box.

Yeah.

That's what Adam does.

He programs box instead of smashing it.

Yeah, which is what me and the boy.

He's like, ooh, baby, you mind if I write a computer program for your vagina?

Not gay.xo.

Yeah, how's it going, baby?

Oh, oh, fuck.

I should also say real quick before we get cooking.

I was supposed to be in Indianapolis this Thursday.

India.

And I can't make it.

The India of the Midwest.

The India of the Midwest.

You all see him from Indianapolis.

That's right.

I was supposed to be doing a show exclusively for stretchy-armed, bald motherfuckers.

I can't make it.

Had a death in the fam.

We'll still be in Columbus the next night, this Friday.

We'll still be in Cincinnati on Saturday and Cleveland.

So, sorry about that, Indy.

I'm going to make it up, but had some shit I have to take.

I got to go to a fucking funeral on Thursday, unfortunately.

So, anyway, just wanted to clear that up.

Everybody should have already gotten their refunds.

We'll get them in three to five business days.

It's already been processed, but if you have a problem, holler at me, and I I will be there soon.

I'm also coming to Pittsburgh and Buffalo and all this other shit.

Stopvy.biz, the But the Breakfast tour has kicked off.

Phoenix, I'm there the 18th.

Yes.

LA the 2nd.

All these dates.

Please go to stopby.biz

and buy them shits for.

But yeah, I'm coming.

I'm coming at cities, and I'm sorry I had to cancel Indianapolis.

So, now, Adam, are you still playing this gay game, dude?

No, I'm not playing.

Okay, turn off.

Just turn the TV off.

Why?

No, I like it.

Like it's Stop's turn now.

It's my turn.

So yeah, maybe we should keep playing, actually, now that I think about it.

Monty the mole, baby, the big dig savage, the Chinese-looking rodent.

Yeah, plus one coin, a suck me.

But I stay put, which is nice.

Yeah, this game sucks.

Now that's not my turn.

I just decided.

Yeah, we're going to see what happens on my turn.

Let Nick do his turn, and then maybe me one more turn, and then we

should turn it off right after mine.

My man rolled six.

Well, his dice only got sixes and lose two coins coins on it.

Oh, that's a pretty big dick.

Wow, who are you?

That's a pretty big dick.

Ooh, the bee, the sexy bee.

I'd love to fuck that bee, dude.

Although her nose is a little too big.

But that fucking caboose.

Yeah.

That bitch is round, bro.

This one pays for itself.

The Coinado.

You know, I was having a conversation yesterday.

What are your fellows' thoughts on invaginated nipples?

You ever hear of such a thing?

Is that the inside nipples?

It is.

Every once in a while, I do like those as a change of pace.

It's like, what's going?

What are you doing in there?

I like a puffy inside nipple sometimes, but it's got to be puffy.

They pop out like King Friday on.

Wait, what are they?

What are inside nipples?

They indent.

You've never seen a nipple like that?

They're invaginated.

Were the titty?

They're called invaginated.

The inside titty.

The real inside titty, which is the areola?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

You know how it usually comes out like a little, like the tip of a little slim gym?

Those are dented in.

Because you got to get your gay-ass picture taken.

Oh, shit.

Oh, this is Nick's.

Slaparazzi.

My

This is what I do with my dick.

Look at me.

Damn, dude.

I'm in that pic.

Yeah.

Oh, you just slap each other and then take fucking pictures?

All right, let's play this one real quick.

This game is fucking.

After that, we're done, though.

Yeah, after this game, for sure.

After this game, we're fucking done.

Woo, Yoshi.

Yoshi right in the front, like a fucking bitch ass bitch.

What can I say?

The camera loves, man.

The camera loves this hard-ass dick, actually.

Damn, look at me looking cute as fuck.

I love getting getting my pictures taken.

Me too.

Fuck you.

We're not even playing.

Adam, you dumb bitch.

Press SNL L-N-R, bitch.

I didn't realize we weren't playing.

Sorry.

After this, we're done, though.

For everyone wondering.

Fuck what?

I knew this guy that was like...

We'd go hang out at his place like in.

Yes, I'm right in the front, you fucking idiots.

In my dick?

When we were in our like in my late teens or whatever.

Uh-huh.

Fuck.

And what would happen then?

And I would get like drunk and play Mario Party in the basement or whatever.

And I remember turning like 21 or maybe just 20.

Yeah, no, I was like 19.

I guess I had moved away.

And it was like, oh, okay, this is, you can't keep doing this forever.

This is fucking embarrassing.

And then,

and now I'm still, now I'm 30.

Yeah.

And I'm still doing it, but now I'm just spending my money instead of his parents' money.

Right.

And also wasting other people, like the people who

pay for their time.

Now I'm getting paid to do it.

now i've i've turned it i wasn't even in that one at all i've turned it into a job turn my

a hard job that i get tired of doing

all right we gotta fucking stop doing this now that i won since i won it's time to stop

yeah that's about the way it goes bitch monty mole

the cutest actually bitch you're wario he's fatter than monty no he isn't yes he's just italian no

if you took wario's No, hold on.

I'm not a fat.

I'm a cow.

I'm fucking.

What was that?

Guido tweet you had?

Athletic?

I'm a natural athlete.

I've always been a natural athlete.

Which, you know, I know you're mocking fat Italians, but I am a natural athlete.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess you do also say that.

It's like a Mediterranean thing.

It is.

It truly is.

Morbidly obese, completely out of shape.

Minutes from a heart attack.

Held together.

Yeah, but that's because of the dick pills, not because of.

Held together with scar tissue and blood clots.

That's right.

And don't forget wing stop fucking barbecue sales.

I bitch love taking dick pills.

Yeah.

Yeah, we don't even have a read coming.

I was going to say, I didn't think we had them this month.

Nope, yep, none this month.

Yeah, listen, we love taking all kinds of dick pills, actually, so fuck you.

Take that, you motherfuckers.

Pay if you want us to say your name, bitch.

Except thank you for also, you know, whatever.

Yeah, right.

Can you turn it off, man?

It's embarrassing.

Yeah, we should turn this off.

I can't.

I'm not as talented as you guys at talking and playing at the same time.

Yeah, or not for immersive.

So, what should I get?

Tennis?

Oh, I love that shit, too.

On Wii Mario Tennis, or on

the evening.

Looking through Amazon for things to purchase for the Nintendo Wii, and then we'll just talk about them on the show.

You think Wii or that's

whatever is.

Is this a Switch?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I have a nice fucking Switch.

I just got smashed, too.

Yeah.

And I can't wait.

I haven't played it yet because I've been, you know, busy.

I've been traveling.

Shouts out to everyone that came out to DC too.

That shit fucking rocked.

Yeah, we already mentioned that, I think, didn't we?

No, we just

talked about it before the show.

It was fucking tight.

But now, alas, back to reality.

Back to this fucking job.

Punching the fuck up.

Rod, rewatch Saving Private Ryan again.

Oh, yeah.

What side were you rooting for?

The here, not the Waffen-SS, but the German soldiers who were just in the regular conscripted army.

The regular guys.

Because they were just caught up in the rough.

That shit does suck.

Yeah.

Well, no, I think I'm sure the only real villain in the movie is the Jewish character.

The witch?

Mellish?

Coward?

Mellish?

No, he's not a coward.

He's the guy that can't fight.

No, this guy's not Jewish.

Oh,

he's a translator.

Oh, the Brooklyn guy is Jewish, no?

Adam Goldberg plays the Jewish character, Fish, who gets stabbed by the Nazi.

Oh, because he saves him, right?

No, no, no.

The other guy doesn't save him.

The other guy just hears him being stabbed upstairs and doesn't go home.

Damn.

He just sits in the hallway.

What?

That's fucked up, dude.

Which is an allegory for how the Western world failed to act and didn't save their Jewish friends in time.

That is true.

They did sit on their hands for quite a long time.

Yeah.

FDR, dude, that motherfucker was shady.

You know how Bush you know how Bush did 9-11?

FDR did Pearl Harbor.

You think so?

Yep.

Yeah, FDR definitely is an excuse to lock up the Chinese.

Yep.

So jealous how they fucking flexed their how high they could kick with their karate.

You think a man in a fucking wheelchair wants to see that old time?

Yeah, he's a total hater.

He doesn't.

So guess what?

Every fucking Chinese and Japanese motherfucker

get get into these fucking camps.

Chinese, dirty knees.

Look at these.

Don't touch these.

Chinese, Japanese.

Dirty knees.

Dirty knees.

Look at these.

Look at these.

Yeah.

And it was like you made.

Don't touch these to me.

Don't touch these.

Definitely had a problem.

Because you had a grabbing problem.

Not even.

There was no rhyme involved.

The women just told Nick.

Just bear me.

Don't touch these.

We ain't kindergarten frowning, like Nick.

Stop touching their poses.

a baby with a hard ass dick frowning

Nick don't touch their pussies

but I want to

touch your fucking

pussy

no and listen okay you can touch it but what do we say about sharing

okay you'd have to let all the other little boys touch a girl's pussy when you touched it

that would be fucked up if that's how sex worked yeah like I fuck well that's probably how it happens a lot of the time is I fuck someone and then sex workers.

Yeah, we fuck them.

You guys get them asking for me.

I'm a sloppy second.

No.

I'm a sex worker.

Yeah.

Sex worker

work and I have sex.

I worked that pussy over.

I'm a sex worker.

I'll spend all my day in the sex factory.

I love Lucy.

That I love Lucy chocolate scene, but it's me eating too many pussies.

Lucy, why are you covered in car?

Ricky, that's none of your business.

i'm a sex worker ricky

and you have to respect it as a real job that dumb bitch who lives next door talked me into it ethel that dumb whore ethel yeah

good have you tried watching that show

have you tried watching that show before tried watching bits and pieces She's really annoying.

Yeah.

No, it's not a good thing.

I didn't like how annoying.

It's like all this shit are like one of the greatest shows of all time.

It's like, bitch, there were four shows.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, I'm sure it was better than Guess the Number.

Tonight, journalist

George Brockmeyer the 15th will be competing against Rosemary Clooney.

And guess that number?

That literally is dealer-no-deal, though.

That is what dealer-no deal is.

It's people opening briefcases with numbers.

Writer for National Report,

George Meyerstein.

Thanks for joining us.

Crowd class.

There was a fucking show that was guess who's lying.

What was that shit called?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some guy just pretended to be something he wasn't.

Of course, the man who needs no introduction, Bruce Chain Smith.

Like, hello.

It's as close as you could get to being.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A confirmed bachelor, Mr.

Chainsmith.

Prolific bachelor, Mr.

George Christmas.

You just can't put the ladies away, can you, Georgie?

And good afternoon, Georgie boy.

Georgie, when are you ever going to settle down with one of these dames?

Yeah, when I get tired of dancing,

and all the girls are like, oh,

they have no concept in homosexuality.

And he's the prettiest guy because he's gayish shit.

He's gorgeous.

He's wearing

drink blush.

Okay, today's top question: Ape rabble rouser Martin Luther King Jr.

recently given a speech,

Washington, D.C.

Wait, this happened in 1960s.

Yeah, that's how old the show is.

No, that sounds more like a fucking 40s or 50s show.

Well, I don't know.

Whenever I Love Lucy.

Yeah, yeah.

That was the 50s.

Yeah.

Like the idea that

when Martin Luther King's alive and they're like,

call him an ape on television.

I guess that did happen.

Yeah.

Probably.

Yeah, probably.

King of the jungle.

Yeah.

King, king of what?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, they got it.

They got what?

They got

Trump Brothers at

the Atlantic Terminal.

Great, let's do it.

Let's skip our show and go to the Best Buy at the Atlantic Terminal.

Tell you what, I'll hit over to the Best Buy while you guys get the show started.

I'll go get the game and bring it back here and play it.

Okay.

Okay.

And then when the show's over, you guys let me know.

This sounds like a good plan.

He's still coming.

Should we start or what?

Lucy, Desi definitely fucked around.

Desi Arnaz or something?

Desires.

How about this?

Desi,

what, like, Desi fuck his wife, or is this guy a closet case?

That's good.

Yeah, I like that.

Desi, also a type of.

Yeah, Desi R word instead of Desi Arnaz.

I found he's like some sort of Puerto Rican type of thing.

He's Cuban.

He's Cuban.

Lucy.

And she's like, she's like, ah, and here we go.

Two plus two equals four.

Lucy, you've got some explaining to do.

That's really good.

If it's two,

how does two twos make four?

Songs just like, I love Lucy, I love Michael,

I love Kitty,

I love chocolate.

Just him going around

telling everything he loves them.

I love Mr.

Lamb.

I love couch.

Just playing music horrifically, just leading the band completely.

He's in a band.

He's the band.

a bandler.

He plays Triangle and the Kazoo All-Stars.

Desi R-word, everyone.

It's just him playing.

The Kazoo R-Stars.

He's coming home from work, like he's just all tired.

He comes through the door and then just takes his helmet off and throws it on the couch.

It's so funny that Twitter account that was like Come Town Character Generator.

Oh, yeah, perfect.

Yeah, retard Desi Art.

He was right.

Oh, I mean, Russian.

Spend that

left.

Just roll with some of them on there.

Some of them are good.

Some of them are, I could spend a lot of time with.

Yeah, absolutely.

Some of them look fun.

Yeah.

Retarded Wharf.

Yeah.

Was that on there?

It was on there.

Oh, that's great.

Irish Sesame Street.

I like Irish Sesame Street.

Yeah.

We should just have a wheel, you know, of like two different things, spin the wheel

and then try to do it.

Yeah.

That should be our TV show.

People think

that if you can identify how a system works, that that means that the system is bad.

What do you mean?

What?

Us.

He's talking about us.

Oh, I don't think

I mean, I don't think that's why we're bad.

Look, it's all building blocks.

So, yeah, you figured out the fundamentals of the show.

How hard do you think it would be to get a lady in the 50s to cheat on her husband?

Very easy.

They did it all the time.

Did you ever see that show Revolutionary Road?

Didn't you get like Revolution Road or Revolutionary Road?

Yeah, it's not good.

It's not good.

But it's all about how, like, you know, the men went to work and then the women were like

Prisoners and Horny.

Is that based on a book?

It seems like it.

It's one of those movies that seems like it was based on a book that was probably good, but the movie sucked ass.

Yeah.

Actually, no, it is based on a book because

someone...

A friend of mine read it and said, Wait, is that the one Tom Hanks is in?

No, that's Road to Perdition.

That is.

A friend of mine read it and said said that there's this one character that's going to get nominated for best supporting actor before they even

put it in development.

And then that was the Michael Pick or Michael Sheen character.

Yeah.

Who's only in that one scene?

Everybody's sitting around in the house having gay sex with each other.

Yeah, yeah.

Not realizing that it's madness.

I'm crazy because I have gay sex.

What's his deal?

He was good at math and then he went crazy.

He was in the hospital for having gay sex.

That is what happened to me.

I was going to sit here in a research lab all day long when I could be out having gay sex in bathrooms on the New Jersey turnpike.

That's literally what happened to that code-breaking guy that invented computer shots.

Oh, that gay guy.

He got arrested when he was a girl.

Oh, not him.

He was another gay guy.

John Nash, yeah.

No, no, the code-breaker, the Benedict

Tumperbacks.

They cut his cock off.

They erased him from history.

They forgot.

They chemically castrated him.

They cut his cock off and then they gave him tits.

Yeah.

As a punishment.

Like Iran.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is fucked up.

They would turn you into a girl if you were gay, and if they found out you were doing karate, they'd fucking surgically take away.

Make you check,

give you a bowl haircut and shit.

Do you think they, was it just Japanese in internment camps, or did they racistly get some Korean camps?

Oh, there had to have been a couple of Japanese people.

Yeah, some mistakes.

Yeah, yeah.

There's no way.

I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy.

You got the wrong guy.

There's no way they just did that correctly in the fucking 40s.

Yeah, that was not done delicately.

It wasn't like a.

Damn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And what's his favorite?

He's just some poor Chinese guy that was like, you know what?

Today's the day I try sushi.

They run around rounding everything.

They just kick down the door of the restaurant.

He's like, no, I live in Chinatown.

I just come

and do something different.

It's been General Souls every day for 35 years.

It is literally General Toe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Shouts out to the Jenny.

I think General Toe is actually like a Jewish guy, right?

No.

Like it's an American.

Nice try.

You saw that document?

I didn't watch it.

Of course, I saw the documentary.

What's the truth behind it?

Just some random fucking guy.

Just some guy made it.

Yeah.

Well, there isn't any General So,

there's no General Soul.

It's actually, if you listen to them say it, they're saying Genital's chicken.

Oh, Genital's chicken.

Genitas.

Genital Shit.

Oh, Janito's chicken.

Janito's chicken.

I can listen to them say.

Listen carefully.

They have never once, I've never, ever heard a Chinese person say General So's chicken.

That's right.

They go, oh, General's chicken?

Fuck, they're making you eat rooster cock.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just small.

That's what a Chinese man's penis looks like.

Really?

Wow.

Like the general sews chicken.

They spread the rumor that it was small.

When the truth is, it's actually delicious.

Delicious little nuggets?

Right, because they don't want us eating their cocks.

So, oh, and when they have too many guys in China, they chop their cocks off to sell them here.

China found out that they have these abnormally delicious cocks.

And then, like Westerners, you know, they were building boats to go all over the world eating anything that didn't taste like dirt.

Right.

And they were like, go to heavens, Matthew, eat this Chinaman's balls.

That's delicious.

Call it Panda Express.

And then the Chinese

started a rumor that their dicks are small so no one would ever look at them.

Like they're glorious penises.

And they're bad if there's too many pieces of

censor on Asian pornography.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They cannot find out

that it's actually

the richest pieces of chicken.

Derishes rid of fried chicken a dick

and the sticky sweet sauce.

Yep.

Yeah, they call them honey glaze.

Yeah.

So, oh, so the sauce, the sauce is always on there.

Yeah, they always call call it sauce.

It's like six or seven stacked up nuggets just there.

They're naturally pretty with the cock sauced up.

Yeah.

And I'll tell you what.

What's that?

Never mind.

I'll tell you in four minutes.

No, tell me.

Can't wait.

Damn.

That would be awesome.

I would 100%

Smash Brothers and super black people.

Super black people.

Yep.

Let's hear you out.

And what do you think?

Is that just the NIV?

You're of the Florida.

You're super black people.

Melee.

It's just Black Friday videos.

Change store here.

Apparently, this was the biggest Black Friday of all motherfucking time.

Really?

I would have assumed not because people shop online now.

But I think online, accounting for.

Counting for online, yeah.

Well, that makes sense then.

Let me ask you this.

Do they ever get around to counting the crows?

Right.

You know?

I was just talking about this last night with Dasha.

Because I always thought it was county crows.

The county crows?

Like there was a county with a lot of crows in it.

Then I found out it was counting crows.

And I was like, that's a way worse than that.

Mr.

Jones's dick.

Tasting

his penis.

Tasting

really good.

I want to suck his penis

and get fucked by it.

I'm Mr.

Gay sex.

Oh, Oh, is that the killers?

That's Mr.

Bright's side.

You can't don't don't.

Why'd you go?

Why'd you go into Ode Joy?

No, they rip off O to Joy, and that's all.

She was sucking my dick and calling my ass.

And my dick is real small, and I'm fucking gay.

I'm fucking gay as you.

It was only a dick.

It was only a dick.

It was only a dick.

fucking my ass.

Sucking his tips.

And I'm fucking my dad.

I'm gay.

I'll never be straight again.

Man, this penis hurts my ass.

I just wanna come my pants.

I am fucking gay.

I'm Mr.

Gay.

Come on, Adam.

But I thought bright side gay guy.

No, man.

I'm Mr.

Gay Sex.

I'm Mr.

Gay Sex.

It's over now.

Okay, sorry.

But anyway, I think it's fucked up.

You guys shouldn't make fun of that band because they're the band of my city.

Las Vegas, Nevada.

Aren't they Mormon?

The lead singer is, I think, Mormon.

Them and Panic at the Disco.

Please show respect to Panic at the Disco.

Where'd the dicks go?

He was just sucking a bunch of dicks.

That's that guy from Panic.

Where'd the dicks go?

Yeah, I don't know Panic at the Disco song off the top of my head.

That's the one

door.

Sugar with sucking off penis.

No, that's a.

And now I'm having fucking gay sugar.

Sucking on a fucking penis.

That's a

sucking on dick.

Peter fucking with that game.

I am gay.

I fuck me.

So I get this Donkey Kong country game.

Yes.

Get them all.

Get by.

Get every video game if your dick is big.

Purchase every single goddamn one now.

I haven't heard anything about Donkey Kong, but it's probably fun.

The Switch is some good shit, man.

Yeah.

I'm a big motherfucking fan of the damn Switch.

I want to buy a big-ass TV for just my room now.

I've decided.

That's what I did.

I know I got jealous.

But I want a swinging ass wall mount.

I want to swing that shit around.

I think that looks tacky.

Yeah, but I don't give a fuck, bro.

I also don't have the kind of space you have to play with.

It looks like a dentist's office.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm about to root canal that pussy.

That's what I'll tell the girls.

Maybe I'll get a dental chair, too.

You're about to fuck girls and then like watch gay porn on your

stay hard.

Not stay hard.

What is this shit?

Don't worry about what's on the switch it's not yes i'm talking like cardboard boxes what's that the shit for the switch that's like cardboard boxes i don't know it's some shit that they can build shit or something it's like circuits i think or some shit

trash yeah it's like you build controllers i think

or like a robot exoskeleton out of cardboard or some shit like that what i think so you got this pro controller i got a knockoff i didn't pay 60 what's the pro controller for just like you you it feels more substantial in your hand.

For playing what?

Like Smash?

Smash, Mario Kart, Mario Tennis, whatever you want.

Do they have sports games on Switch?

You play like 2K on Switch?

Fuck that, dude.

I mean, you're multi-platform.

First of all, I got every motherfucking.

They have so many goddamn accessories for this.

Look, there's a Pokeball.

Throw it at the TV.

Just break your TV.

Yeah.

Now, I guess their strategy for this is just go like way too many accessories.

Yeah, which is good.

I'll do good for them, dude.

I used to have all the accessories for NES, dude.

I had the Duck Hunter gun.

Do you have that glove?

You have the power glove?

I didn't have the power glove.

I didn't either.

So I guess I just lied.

But I did have the mouse for Mario Paint.

I did, too.

Which was sick.

And I used to make beats on Mario Paint.

Make songs on there.

Stuff like that.

Is that the kind of beats you would do?

Shout out to Mario Paint girl.

Not about myself.

One of the only people we support on.

That's right.

One of the only artists we support.

Yeah.

Her shit's great.

I'm Adam.

I'm gay.

Kevin Kaye.

It's just Adam wearing like tight.

Seven-year-old Adam.

And then, like, just an extremely tall black woman comes up and grabs his cross.

She goes, His penis is so small.

It's like, Calvin Klein jails for clothes.

Just like slag and white,

6'8 Caribbean woman.

His dick's so small.

Toppless, but you can't see your titties.

The camera just zooming in and out.

That's a great commercial, man.

They should hire you to art direct.

Yeah.

Well, I've been laughing.

I'm going to start my own clothing line called Gay Sex Milan.

I saw some of the first box sites.

They look good.

Yeah, it's just, you know, like women walking up and down a catwalk real quick, lights flashing, zooming in and out on the catwalk.

And then just like a 40-year-old man with like a $10,000 haircut and like, you know, fancy designer frames, sitting like this, you know, with his legs crossed over completely in a chair at the far end of like a stage.

And he goes, Gay Sex Milan.

It's all clothes for women too.

Gay sex melancholy.

I love it.

I love it.

Gay.

Sex.

I've just been laughing about, and I don't know if I've mentioned on the show, I've told you guys about it before, but Terminator, but it's Arnold, and he's like, come with me if you want to be gay.

Come with me if I'm gay.

Come with me if you want to be gay.

Come be gay if you want to have gay sex.

Hardbrain is a Sybean to it.

It is a fucking machine.

In the future, you cannot be gay.

My brain is a T1816 flashlight.

It is shaped like a man's ass, though.

Don't worry.

I've been reprogrammed to give you a pleasure, John Connor.

This John Connor is like, listen, I'm just sending myself back a gay sex robot.

We're going to die anyway.

I might as well be gay as shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Beautiful.

In the future, your son finds out that he's gay.

He sent me back in the press

to explain it to him now.

He's just crying, getting his big son.

He's a giant bodybuilder.

What was it?

Was John Connor his own dad or something?

No.

No.

No, he's not his own dad.

The bodyguard from the first movie fucks Sarah Connor and becomes his dad.

Oh, the Twitchy guy or whatever?

Yeah, his friend is his dad.

Oh, right.

That doesn't make any fucking sense.

That's tight.

If one of you guys were my dad, we are both your dad.

Well, the fact that he's his own dad proves that, like, no matter what, all of those events will happen.

So, no matter what, you know, the movie is always somebody going back in time, but then the shit still happens anyways because nothing ever changes.

Oh, unless he kills himself.

Well, you can't, yeah.

Maybe he should kill himself.

The only Terminator I remember is the one with that German bitch, that big-titted Austrian girl.

Oh, yeah.

Christina.

Ricci.

No, it's Christina Hendrix.

No.

No, it's Chris.

Damn, I want to.

I want Christina Hendrix.

Christana Loken.

Oh, yeah, I definitely look.

I love Christian.

Which one was that?

Cheese one?

No.

Yeah, that was the weird one that it was like, remember when all TVs were like fucked up, like, and everything looked fake, like, smoothing or whatever the fuck that shit's called?

What?

Remember when, like, movies looked horrible on TVs for a while?

Um,

Do you know what I'm saying?

Damn.

Is that her?

I think so.

Nah, that's fake.

That's fake.

We're looking at her titties.

No, this is from Terminator 3.

That's cool.

I'm in on that.

Yeah.

You know what I was looking at yesterday?

Ooh, hell yes.

What's that?

A man's penis.

This picture.

And then you're inches from your face right now.

You were going to cycle.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Holding up a frame.

A watercolor painting of a man's penis that took you away.

No, it wasn't.

No, shut up.

Please, shut up.

Please shut up.

Please shut up.

Kisses it and puts it next to his bed.

No,

that's not what I was looking at yesterday.

What was it, Adam?

The picture of Amanda Seiferid from The Fappening.

Well, I'll tell you what, you can bet on whatever he's saying at betthesi.com.

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They got an easy-to-use mobile playing interface, also known as an app.

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Oh, yes.

You can pretty much fucking gamble anywhere you goddamn.

Men's bathrooms, women's bathrooms.

The family bathroom.

You know who's in there?

Carl Winslow and Steve Urkel.

That's right.

That's what goes on in there.

Or little league teams.

Because sometimes the family, you can choose your own family.

You just hear from the staff, did I do that?

Go home, Steve.

Did I make you come?

Anyways, they're in there.

Betting on BetTheSide.com.

Bet the SI offers live in.

Damn.

Is that her tit for real?

I think it it is.

Whoa.

Let me see.

No.

Nope.

I hate that.

In Blood Rain.

Yeah.

Her tits are in Blood Rain?

Nice.

Yeah, Adam's not allowed to see any of these hits.

Holy shit.

What happened to this woman?

Adam's only allowed to go to betsi.com and try out their live in-game wagering.

Yeah.

And if he bets correctly, maybe he can see these titties of this woman that was in that one Terminator movie that sucked dick.

But right now.

Which one?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, what else do they say?

Sarah Connor was James Cameron's.

By the way, if I told you, motherfuckers,

I told you, motherfuckers, take the Ravens, and we almost beat the bitch-ass Chiefs.

They covered, so you would have won, bitch.

Almost.

You know what?

I'd say the problem was lack of defense.

No, actually, we didn't have to be.

Actually, I said defense wins championship.

Defense wins championships.

We heard it here first.

Anyways, I always say that.

Bit DSI offers odds on pretty much everything else,

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And here's what we're going to be betting on this week.

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We are actually going to be offering through the Augur crypto betting service.

You can bet as we will Twitch stream us playing Mario Party.

Ooh, that's good.

With a rotating cast of characters, including Ian Fidance, Bonnie McFarlane, Bill Burr, David Cross, David Chappelle, Dave Chappelle will be fancy.

Billy Crystal,

Ted Dancing, in Blackface.

Gregory will be here.

Gregory will resurrect him.

We'll be playing Warrior Party.

Yeah.

Mort Saul.

Is he still on?

Dick Benjamin.

Is that only?

George Christmas.

George Christmas.

Up to bat.

Georgie Christmas.

Becoming the best.

Georgie Christmas.

Yeah, so Bet DSI.

Yeah, betsi.com.

No, we actually should do that.

I agree.

Yeah, play Mario Part Setup.

Mario Part, you can gamble on who's going to win with only 15% of the pot going to us.

Yeah, you will gamble by give it a actually it'll be through our Venmo's.

So

send money to Stav69 on Venmo.

Here's how it works.

You bet $20.

Let's say you want it's four of us playing it's me adam stav and ian and you think stav's going to win it all you can bet twenty dollars on stav fifteen percent of your bet fifteen dollars goes to me and adam and stav and five goes to the pot and then someone else bets you know somebody says oh i think ian's gonna win they spend twenty dollars the fifteen distributed to us five five five the other five goes in the pot Turns out Adam wins, no one bet on it, the additional $10, that goes right to us.

That goes right to us directly.

I agree to that that's right and if it looks like actually we're losing whatever would sometimes the games just shut off

some of them will have power failures and in that point there's no refund

so listen bet with us but if you know if you want to definitely be paid out you bet with bet DSI because they pay out winners or you can go to Cometown Mario Party Bets dot com

or again just donate dire or not donate, but pay directly into my Venmo, and I'll make sure the money gets.

Actually, yeah, if you don't know, we do a premium episode every week at patreon.com/slash Cometown.

And if you sign up, you are guaranteed entry into the Mario Party sweepstakes,

which are the details of the camera.

Which is something that is real and we will do.

Yeah.

The details

will be announced shortly.

Just some of the details.

The details will be announced Adams dickedly.

Yeah.

I I love, dude, love the Patreons where it's like, if I reach $100, I promise I will draw myself as

Knuckles the Academy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those are goals.

I will clean out my garage.

Yeah.

What's the promo code?

Promo code.

So if you're looking to be in the sports book, which is where...

You love the sports book.

So when you sign up, make sure to use promo code COME120.

We're talking about Betty Aside now, just to be clear, everyone.

C-U-M-120, so they know we sent you.

And when you sign up, you've got some options.

You can just play and cash out, or you can take the bonus bucks, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you play at the table.

I love it.

You know, that's like getting, let you kiss the dice.

Maybe smell a little piece of that Fine Vegas pussy

before you lose any on the crap stables.

That's the secret.

That's why Caesars are so good.

Uh-huh.

There's a bunch of bitches that they just get to dice in their pussies.

Welcome you get to touch the bitches casino.

That was actually a casino where you get to touch the bitches.

That was actually my father's job for some time.

Just touching bitches.

But being a dice pussy holder?

He would suck the dice out of women's pussies with his ass.

Yeah, that's just what it's like growing up in Vegas.

Crazy, you know?

It's crazy.

Did you know Siegfried and Roy?

I knew their house.

What about Siegfried?

I knew where it was.

Are you sure you didn't grow up in Mas Gegas, which is Spanish for more gay guys,

please?

Well, yeah.

Which is where you're from.

Are you sure?

Mas Gegas.

I'm not sure.

No.

No.

Yeah, I bet you're not.

Well, let's get a casino comp up front before you play to the table.

It has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash.

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I love the fucking sports book.

If you use promo code CUM120, up to $1,000, you're going to give you 60% bonus cash, which would turn $1,000 into $1,600 to play with, like my penis.

So once again, that's betthesi.com.

Come 120.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the fucking show.

Let's start the mumbo show.

Welcome to Come Town.

My penis.

Yeah, so Christina Lokin's

Twitter image is her breastfeeding her infant.

Nice.

Is a titty out there?

No.

No, fuck.

Sucking on the sexy through the bikini top.

Yo, respect to that guy.

I respect any baby that sucks titties.

It looks like this bitch's tits got smaller after the pregnancy.

Boo!

Can you imagine being her?

Boo!

I would kill myself if I were to be able to do that.

I would, yeah.

What the fuck?

Why is that guy's penis out, man?

I don't like this video.

Size, that looks exactly like your dick.

It is not.

It does not look exactly like your dick.

I think that guy's dick might be bigger than yours.

No, actually, it's not.

It's smaller.

Thank you.

No, Adam.

Is that guy's dick the same size as Stav's?

I actually would say that Stav's dick is bigger than you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

And I'm not being like, thank you.

I'm just being honest.

You're being an objective warrior for truth.

I've seen your dick.

Thanks, man.

Your dick is surprisingly not as bad as you make it sound.

Thanks, man.

I keep expectations.

I'm not saying it's good.

It's not good.

But no, I really don't want to see this guy's dick anymore, man.

Honestly, Breaks it now.

We are free of the frogs and

is that Boris Johnson?

We are free of the Belgians and

Wops.

But it's Greg.

Wops?

Yeah.

Who did he send that to?

I don't know, but what an awful dick to have.

That's a bad.

Yeah, that's a really rough dick.

Yeah.

At least my dick is smooth.

So your dad's taking the divorce well.

Why has he got a willy pouch?

That's one of the replies of this.

What do you guys think about it?

You're back on Twitter, huh?

You're loving it.

You're back in.

I am.

You're posting.

For now.

Bobby Kelly would like to FaceTime.

I can't do it now.

Sorry, Robert.

FaceTime him into the pod, dude.

Okay.

We're doing Come Town, Bobby.

Bobby, we're recording the show.

Yeah.

I'll let my kids coming on the show.

Oh, you're always invited.

Open invite.

Yeah.

Come tomorrow.

Tune your volume up.

How you doing?

Good.

We were just looking at a guy's penis on the internet.

It was really small.

Yeah, I got a Dyson.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm all about gear.

Bobby, you're a tech guy?

Bobby, what do you think about this?

We have voted for Bricksit, Bricksit, Bricksit.

We have voted for Bricksit, Bricksit now.

Is that working?

Can you you see the man's penis that we were looking at?

Can you see this guy's dick?

Hey, what do you guys think about this?

Oh, hey, Max.

Yes, Bobby's.

Hey, Max.

What do you think about that?

Merry Christmas, buddy.

Yeah, that is adorable.

Well.

Oh, no, sorry.

Max almost made his podcast debut on Comtown.

Hey, hey, Maxie.

Bobby's

Bobby's FaceTiming with Stob, and his son just thinks he's taking a selfie.

Hey, buddy.

Good to see you.

Wow, we've had a child on Come Town, guys.

All right, well, tell that baby we got to do our job.

All right.

He has a dog holiday hat.

Sorry.

All right.

I'll call you back soon, buddy.

Bobby, come on the show.

All right.

All right.

Bye, dude.

Bye, buddy.

Oh, my beautiful father, Robert Kelly.

Yeah.

Damn, I missed that guy.

Yeah, I bet you guys are pretty jealous.

Oh, who's just calling me?

Barack Obama?

I'm gay.

Let me be clear.

I'm Ryan Shuttle.

And I'm gay.

And I am Barack Obama.

Obama, not Ryan.

I'm recording the podcast.

Who's calling me now?

The ghost of Senator John McCain?

I just wanted to say I'm very disappointed that they're letting Muslims up here in

heaven, which I fought for,

lost the use of my arms fighting for heaven.

And

to see it just go to shit like this,

frankly, quite disappointing.

You think John McCain's mad?

Bush is just plowing Barbara in front of him in heaven?

Just driving his wheelchair into her posterior.

Yeah, they got that wheelchair fucking decked out with little fucking dildos on each handle.

You think in heaven?

He's just bending over, he's driving the dildos in like a battering ram.

You think in heaven you go back to like the hottest version of you or you're just like cold, dying, gross.

I think you get to choose.

You get to choose?

You get to switch back and forth.

So actually, you get to be a baby and you get to fuck women because you're like, I'm an adult.

I want to be a baby.

But I'm a baby.

And I get to eat pussy as a baby.

That'd be pretty funny.

I mean, there's no concept of consent in heaven.

No.

No, no, no.

They can't resist the baby.

You can't.

That's the thing.

A baby can't rape.

If you think about it.

I guess you can.

So that's a loophole in heaven.

You choose your baby.

You choose your baby form.

And then you get to fuck as many, as much pussy as you want.

I get that.

I guess.

That makes sense.

Baby's fucking grown away.

That is a hilarious.

Announcement.

Friend of the show,

Kevin Hart.

is backed out of the Oscars.

Oh, yes.

We're a pro Kevin Hart.

We're a pro-Nick Cannon.

Absolutely.

Have Nick Cannon host him, actually.

Dude, I'm a bit.

I'm on the record of saying I've always been a Nick Cannon.

Milo got kicked off Patreon stuff.

You probably think that's pretty good.

Do I?

Yeah, fuck Milo.

I don't care.

Adam, you're probably on board with that happening, too.

With who?

Milo.

What did he do?

Did he, like, do something violent?

Yeah, he was

being sassy.

Oh, he was being too gay?

No, he literally, they didn't cite anything that he did wrong.

It's just that he's associated with the Proud Boys.

Well, no, then I'm against that.

Okay.

And Gavin got kicked off YouTube today.

But the Proud Boys have been labeled as like, I mean, it's a matter of opinion, but yeah, the SPLC.

Listen, first of all, Milo is a countryman, okay?

And my Greek blood runs thicker than anything.

What's his name, dude?

Milo Yiannopoulos.

All right?

Milo Yannis Popoulos.

Milo Yiannis Popoulos.

That's it.

That's it.

Black Populist.

Everybody's me, Milo Yiannis

That's so funny.

Milo Yannis Popoulos.

What are Yanis?

I don't even honestly know what Milo.

I just know he's a troll.

What are even his beliefs?

He was like alt-light.

Yeah.

I think that was the movement he was associated with.

Yeah, no, I don't even remember.

I mean, I can't.

I just knew him being a gay troll.

No, he'd be like, you know, like trans people, disgusting.

Yeah, he's, you know, like, yeah,

anti-trans stuff.

Like, I'm not calling you, but

anti-pronoun.

he hates Palestinians.

Oh, okay.

He wanted to be like a gay and culture.

Yeah, which is kind of a thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

That's it.

No Palestine.

It's just for Jews.

And then he's like, I can say it.

I get fucked in the ass by black guys.

Which is a pretty funny rhetorical strategy.

He married a black guy.

Did he?

Yeah.

So he's getting his ass cheeks worked over.

Even though I think he was against gay marriage, too.

So I don't know how that happens.

Those guys are hilarious.

He's like, gay people getting married.

He's like, What's next?

They're gonna adopt dogs and be like straight people.

It's disgusting.

I was laughing the other day about like, you know, like some like a WAP comedian being like,

They got women turning into men, men turning into women now.

You got gay guys wearing ladies' clothes.

It's like, what's next?

Gay women?

Or do you put on a fucking button-down shirt?

What do they got next?

Boots?

We have a gay woman next.

You kissing a fucking other woman, but you got, but you're not wearing lipstick neither.

Come on, the fuck is this shit?

He just

can't even conceive of it.

She's 40.

She got her fucking short hair.

Oh, maybe you cut your hair short.

What she got next?

A gay woman, perhaps?

Folks, I mean, we're living in strange times.

And I'll tell you, when my daughter looks at me,

my beautiful, my beautiful fucking daughter.

What do we got?

Fucking.

But yeah,

we will be hosting the Oscars now, the three of us.

Nice.

Kathy Griffin said that a woman should host it.

What?

Really?

She came out and said that she was

facing federal charges for doing a bad joke.

That picture.

How much, yeah, how much, like, it's how fucked up it is that she got in trouble for telling a bad joke.

But then also that Kevin Hart is bad for

easily tweeted years ago.

Okay.

And that, yeah, it's time for a girl's chance to host the Oscars.

I mean, there could be a way to do that.

Didn't Who Goldberg do it?

Literally, who gives a shit?

Yeah.

It should be someone named Oscar.

That's true.

That would make a lot of fun.

Oscar from the Orchestra.

Oscar de La Hoya.

Oscar de la Hoya.

Oscar Fuentes.

Oscar.

Meyer, just the car.

Yeah, just have that on stage.

The Oscar Meyer Renaobile game?

Yeah.

I knew there's a guy

that I lived two doors down

growing up.

Oscar's a good name.

Named Oscar, and I tried to see his son's penis when I was four.

Yeah.

You tried to see his son's penis?

Yeah.

What do you mean you tried?

Stav's parents.

His family didn't have much money, so you'd have to go to school dressed only in Venetian blinds.

He would stand in the middle of the street peering through his blinds costume at this man's son's penis.

So maybe that guy, maybe that guy could be

Oscar.

That guy could host the Oscars.

Just as an I'm sorry for what you did.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

I mean, I didn't see it tried, man.

We should tell Dan Ninan he can host the Oscars if he gets bottom surgery.

Reach out to him as the Academy.

If he gets a pussy.

And be like, look, we want you, but we want a woman.

And

Dan will get surgery.

That should be like a shrewd Hollywood move of Dance is to come out as a winner and trans.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because then he's like, you know, then he'll be like, think he'll be more in demand or something.

A lot of people remember the trans movement from Call Me Caitlin.

I say call me whatever you want as long as you don't do it on my Samsung Galaxy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What is the nine God up to these days, dude?

Oh, he's crushing it, dude.

He did a dentist's son's birthday,

5,000 a night, a Silla

lounge.

Yeah.

Somebody pointed out to me in the mentions, but they're like, yeah, what is the Acela lounge?

It's like just another room.

The train station sucks.

It's not like the United Club area.

Right.

It's like he's like the Admiral Club.

Yeah, the Delta Sky Lounge.

Nah, they have a little spot where you, but yeah, it's just cordoned off.

It's just a bench that's cordoned off.

Oh, it's not even a lounge.

No.

No.

There's some fake walls, I think.

I think so.

But it sucks, Dick.

I mean, it's still in fucking Penn Station.

Hanging out in Penn Station in the lounge.

I'm actually, I think I'm anti-trains now again.

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know.

I love taking the trains.

Trains and Brains.

Trains and Brains, baby.

They call me the Midnight Zombie.

Really?

Yeah.

What are you sucking?

Midnight Cruiser?

What song is that?

Midnight Cruiser.

Oh.

I've never heard it.

Steely Dan.

Sucky Dick.

Yeah.

How about that?

That that would be a good band.

Sucky Dick?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

What are some other Steely Dan songs?

Oh, fuck.

There's that one.

Something about the kids are all right.

Is that?

Someone fucked me, then they ate my asshole filled with calm.

There you go.

I will never have sex with a woman, just a man.

Dirty work.

Oh, yeah, I don't remember how that goes.

Everybody's sucking off my piece of money.

Oh, yeah.

Got a piece of my cock.

Did they make a Star Fox for Switch?

No, but they fucking should.

Damn, Star Fox rocked.

Yeah.

I suck dick at it.

I'm really not that good at video games.

Yeah.

I'm probably better than you are, but.

No, I'm better than you, but

you're good at first-person shooters, aren't you?

Yeah, that's the only thing I really play, though.

I'm good at sports games.

I just play like 2K and Madden.

No, you suck, bitch.

You play 2G.

2G.

That is true.

Being gay.

Be gay sports.

Being gay.

I'm being gay.

I'm being gay.

Yeah, I missed the days where I was good at sports games, but my little brother's just so much better at them.

I just don't have the finesse, dude.

Really?

I don't have it in my fingertips.

Some people are built for things.

I was literally never good at them.

I thought it was okay at Madden until it went online.

Then the first time I ever played them.

Yeah, you just got beat.

It's like, oh, I don't even know how to play the game.

You got your pussy hole absolutely worked over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's all those people do, man.

I know.

But it was like a meeting.

They love it.

In fact, I've been bad at most games when I first started.

I got better at first-person shooters because I would just play them online all the time.

Right.

But the first time I try to play anything online, I'm usually terrible at it.

Did you ever play Rocket League, the soccer car game?

No.

It's like you play soccer, but

it's four cars.

Sounds like it's for babies.

No, it's not.

That game sort of sucks, dick.

Sounds like it's for babies.

I think it's pretty pretty.

Adam coming through with the fucking baby games immediately.

Do you ever play the game where Lego Ninjago is for adults?

Do you guys know that?

Do you ever play the game where there's like Lego Indiana Jones?

There's a farm.

Yeah.

Did you ever play the Star Wars one?

There's like a thing like so you press a button and it goes moo and you have to pick which animal says it.

Yeah, that sounds cool.

Adam, have you ever played that game?

Which game?

It's a game where you press a button and it does a sound.

Yeah, you pull a cord and it spins around.

You have to pick which animal.

Oh, yeah, the cow goes moo.

Yeah, yeah.

That's kind of that seems the kind of stuff you'd like.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good game.

Or, like, maybe you get a shape and there's like a hole.

Uh-huh.

And sometimes you have to put you have to decide which shape goes into the hole.

That's, you know,

that can get complicated.

That seems pretty stimulating.

Like the way you stimulate my

glands.

Yeah, I play.

I mean, I play more mature stuff than that.

Wall ball.

Someone fucked me.

Smear the queer.

Wall ball is for Chinese guys, man.

Damn, it was so funny.

We were just playing a game called Smear the Queer.

I don't remember that game.

You never played Smear the Queer?

It was like everyone had to tackle one person who was the designated queer.

That's why I got tackled all the time.

It would be funny if it was like instead of of smear the queer, but it was like it was smearing, like slandering the queer.

Yeah.

Or talking shit about smear the queer.

I heard smear the queer.

And you have to like cover them and get it.

The queer is.

How about that?

Shmear the queer, huh, boys?

How about queer the queer?

Fuck it.

Fuck that kid.

It's so psycho.

Kids, you're crazy.

Hey, Michael, how was school?

It was pretty fun.

We all got together and tried to sex out the gay kid.

What?

Yeah, we all sucked his dick and fucked him, but he's gay.

You kids, back in my day, we went steady with each other.

Two gay guys would go steady.

I get into too much heavy petting.

My friend was telling me last night

that in middle school, he asked the gay black kid to be his Valentine, and the kid said yes.

And he's like, no, hell no, I'm not going to be your Valentine.

You're gay.

And then his three like gang member cousins like saw him at a McDonald's and like tried to kick his ass.

And then the McDonald's people kicked them out of the store.

And then he had to run away from them into a blockbuster.

They followed him in.

They were like throwing DVDs on the ground and stuff.

Wow, you never get our gay cousin hopes up like that.

It is kind of nice.

Yeah, it was very nice.

That they stuck up for their cousin like that.

Yeah.

I mean, that is very mean to do to the gay kid.

It's totally mean.

Although expected for, you know, a certain age demographic.

No, that's like,

that's too far.

I don't know.

Beating him up?

No, no.

I mean, no, not beating him up.

Telling a gay kid, do you want to go to prom?

Yeah, yeah.

And then being like, psyched.

I think it was like psych queer.

Do you want to be my Valentine or something?

And he was like, what?

And he's like, never mind.

He's like, psych, you're gay or something.

Yeah, it's mean.

It's a very mean thing.

Is your friend gay?

No, he's not gay.

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah, I'm pretty sure.

He's definitely gay.

I think your friend's gay.

No, no, no, no.

He's not gay.

It is pretty mean, dude.

No,

the guy's gay.

Let's ask him out and then say psych

and then beat him up.

I was nominated for

that.

Yeah, exactly.

I think as a prank, I was nominated for junior prom king against

one dude who was like a

drug dealer and another dude who was a gay black guy.

And the gay black guy just whacked.

Yeah.

That's I lost.

He got king, and he was just like crying and stuff.

I lost Mr.

Polly the award.

The simple simple award.

For Polly Emmery?

No.

Yeah, Mr.

Prolly.

I didn't do enough food.

Who at Monday?

Mr.

Polly O'String Cheese.

Who ate the most live parents?

The award for Mr.

String Cheese.

It's his only name on the ballot is stopped.

His mom's a problem with him holding his hand.

I'm crying and eating two string cheeses while it's going on.

Stavros are

just running the stairs to the stage, break is just

smashing through the stage like a street shark.

Your feet are like where the rest of the room is.

Just barreling through the floorboards.

Just do the street shark.

You guys said I could never do it.

And the teacher's like, why the fuck is it so balancing?

Yeah, it's just technically so fat.

He's retarded.

And we had to do it.

We'd lose our funding.

just holding your hand.

You're running up the end,

just crying and eating string cheese.

No, Mr.

Polly was the coolest kid in school, and I lost it to a gay black man as well.

Yeah.

Although I think he was in the closet, but the guy responded like he just won Miss America.

He was like crying.

Yeah.

Someone, I think his friend gave him flowers.

How about I felt good for him?

Say it again, Nick.

Piss America.

And there she is.

Miss Piss America.

She has sex monkey style.

What's monkey style?

I don't know.

Hanging from a tree.

Okay.

I would love it if I could wrap my dick around a tree branch and then eat pussy upside down like a monkey would.

Mmm, yes, absolutely.

That would be awesome.

Yep.

With a tail?

I'm sorry.

Would you have a tail like that?

Yeah.

No,

would it be your legs or your tail that you're on the tree?

I forget already.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, that would be cool.

I was never able to climb a tree in my life.

Yeah.

Even as a youth, I was too scared of heights

and fat.

Yeah.

I hated climbing fences.

You know what?

I loved climbing shit as a kid.

I was definitely a climber.

I'd go to the tops of fucking trees.

I'd be like, Nick, get down.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I'm not making you.

You're not letting me touch little girls' pussies.

I'm staying up here.

This is my house.

Shut up.

But I want to touch their pussies.

Stop touching their pussies.

Yeah, I could not do that shit.

Yeah.

I could not climb.

Yeah, because of gravity?

No, because my

I didn't want to.

His penis is too small.

It was too big, actually.

No, it's too small.

A little baby penis.

The doctor's like looking at your penis through a magnifying glass and he's like,

he's never going to be able to climb trees.

Your mom is like crying.

Check again.

That's what my dad just said.

The doctor's like, I'm going to write you a prescription.

And it's just like, straight cheese.

The idea of you just smashing through the stage.

All the steps break as you step on each one.

You just go right back down to the ground level.

It's just right here, like belly level, just smashing through all the boards.

Thank you, everyone.

I'm so happy.

Mom, I did it.

There you go, Mr.

Stavres.

Did I?

Not a girl?

Did either of your parents ever have you in karate?

Very briefly, I took a couple taekwondo classes,

but it was pretty fucking boring.

Yeah.

That was my thing.

I remember, like, begging to go to kung fu

and then going, like, twice.

Yeah, and being like, what the fuck weren't we smashing

boards?

I just stayed in the back and like fucked around on the punching bag and they wanted to do like dances.

Well, I'm not doing that.

Yeah, dude, the first couple of fucking classes are all just like going height and just fucking stretching and basically.

Yeah, that shit sucks.

You get to throw like two kicks.

Right.

Fuck that.

Fuck fuck classes if anything.

I'm doing that shit straight on.

What is that?

Yeah, it's much more fun to just go pick fights with the retarded kids.

Yeah, because they can can fight.

They're strong as hell, dude.

And you can ding their fucking head off the curb.

You don't have to worry about it.

Pops right back up.

So true.

You might actually even out their head shape.

Yeah.

Did you guys know any kids with fucked up, like, dented heads?

Dented heads?

Yeah, I knew a couple of those motherfuckers with weird little oblong ass heads.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, there's people with like weird-shaped heads, but...

They had a fucking ass.

I don't know about like a dent.

I got a friend who's got a square ass head, and then I found out it was because he was born in the USSR, and he wasn't given a pillow when he was like a baby.

And so, like, the

like he was sleeping on a hard surface, and it just flattened out the back of his head.

I felt so bad.

Lego ass head, motherfucker.

I felt so bad for making fun of him.

Like, look at your big ass, dumb-ass head.

And then I found out it was because literally

they didn't have that shit in Lithuania.

Pillows for babies.

Just because Adam's penis was too small.

Yeah.

That is so true, actually.

Now that I think about it.

Now that we think about it.

That is so fucking true.

Did you buy an extra

card for this?

No, I didn't.

I need to, because I already ran out of space because I've been downloading so much fucking shit.

Do you download the games?

I just go buy them.

I've downloaded a couple games, yeah.

Dude, the fucking the PS4, like, even buying the CDs.

You still have to download them.

It's still, like, it ran out of a terabyte.

No, you're out of a terabyte?

I just got a terabyte one, too.

Yeah, no, I have like seven games, and it's like out of space.

That sucks so much fucking kony.

Well, fucking Gran Turismo takes up like 150 games because it's all like photorealistic for the Italian countryside.

Yeah.

Damn.

Maybe you should move to Italy.

Should I?

Yeah.

Suck Dickily.

I can't wait to be.

Like, I hope I get to be a Porsche millionaire at some point.

Yeah, dude.

Or you could be like Joey in that episode of Friends.

Which up.

He just buys a Porsche jacket

and tells girls he has a Porsche.

We could do that right now.

I don't give a shit about telling girls I have a Porsche.

I want an actual Porsche.

It's the ultimate

rich guy car.

The Porsche?

Yeah.

Nah, dude.

There's cooler cars in that shit.

Nah, that's for rich assholes.

No, dude, what about

what are rappers whipping these days?

I don't know.

They were obsessed with Maybachs for a while, which is a bit of a damage.

No, it's not Maybachs now.

The name is

what's a wraith?

I don't know.

A Rolls-Royce?

Maybe.

Rolls-Royce's are dumb.

They're just like living rooms that you can do.

I like that shit.

Yeah, I want that shit.

I want to be comfy, bitch.

They're like just a really nice living room.

Yeah.

There's a British guy that comes with it and sucks your cock.

You remember who?

I had to babysit a Rolls-Royce

for like one of those

Charboy jobs.

Yeah, yeah.

Was it cool?

Oh, it is a Wraith.

It's a Rolls-Royce Wraith.

Rolls-Royce Wraith.

What is that?

It's their

performance car, right?

Yeah, it's a $400,000.

The $400,000 Rolls-Royce Wraith is a car with no rivals.

You hear that, Adam?

Does that sound like a fucking living room to you, you fucking bitch?

Sounds like a nice living room.

In the doors, they got

the Wraith has it.

The Phantom has it where it's like in the doors, there's

umbrellas.

Yeah, I just said that.

Yeah,

they like pop out.

It comes with custom umbrellas.

That rules.

Yeah, sick.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Life.

Anyways, no, Porsche.

Porsche is a better rich guy car.

It's more of a performance vehicle.

Yeah, it's like that.

That's like the rich guy car where you just like, you know, you think your daughter's a slut.

Like a pod daughter or whatever.

Yes, of course.

You know, you want to fuck her friends real bad.

Yeah, you still do drugs.

That's sexy.

They're like, they're like, Mr.

Mullin's so funny, or whatever.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty

fucking hanging out in the basement or something.

I don't come down there.

All right, Sarah.

Don't tell your mom.

Winking at her and shit.

I'm thinking about that.

My wife's drunk.

She's watching everything happen.

Just watching me just clearly flirt with the child from the

island kitchen, just downing whine.

I look at her and I'm like, what?

What the fuck is it now?

Oh, my full.

What the fuck did you?

You know what I'm saying?

Why don't you go upstairs to the fucking and sit on the balcony I fucking bought us, huh?

You fucking whore.

Why don't you go upstairs and sit on that fucking cot I bought for you?

That fucking cot I bought with the hard work, the pussy food on this fucking table.

The hard work I do every fucking day.

I leave this fucking house and I do the fucking work.

Tony, you've been home all day hitting on a child.

Every fucking day I go out and I do fucking work.

Did Meadow have any hot ass friends?

No, just David Chase's daughter.

Yeah, she was busted.

I would love to smash Meadow.

Hunter.

Hunter?

Let me get some of that.

She looks like shit.

Let me

fuck women at Meadow, dude.

You know what I'm saying?

She's so hot.

Meadows, all right.

Hunter's Scarangulo.

No, Scangarelli or something.

Yeah.

Bitch, but

what is it?

Scandarello.

Scangarello.

Sanginaro?

Sangrangelo.

Sangrangelo.

San Frangelico.

Yeah.

Look how busted she is.

She looks just like David Chase.

Yeah.

That is a tough guy to look like as a woman.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, my God.

But at the same time,

you know what I'm saying?

I would let her do the hokey pokey on my Pricadoro.

You put my left nut in, you put my left knot in, you put my left knot out, you suck my left knot in, and you

then put my dick inside your mouth, you suck my little penis, and I come back.

Meadow Soprano quit movies to be a mom.

I just think her career wasn't going that good.

She was on Maxim, I remember.

Yeah, she'll always be on my hot 100.

There's some nice fakes of meadow.

Deep fakes?

Not even deep.

She quit before the deep fake era.

I remember she was like, you know, pregnant meadow, I would smash.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, she's got some.

Honestly.

Yeah, she's got some big-ass pregnant detonas.

Damn.

My favorite meadow is right after.

We're going to play Mario Party and the pornography.

Let me see.

Oh, yeah, let's see.

Let me see.

My favorite meadow is right after Jackie Jr.

dies.

Yeah.

And she just becomes a bitch.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she like she snaps at that woman who's that girl clearly talking about

because here's the thing that's clear with the Sopranos.

Meadow is actually.

What is that?

Meadow is actually Tony's heir.

She's the one that should have been his heir.

That's definitely cocaine.

It's either cocaine or Molly or something.

I don't know what's doing on the floor over there.

It came out of Adam's ass.

Nah, if it was cocaine and the bag was empty, the bag would be torn open.

That's true.

You should just do it for fun.

You put my left balls in, right?

I'm just gonna say my full dates.

I think this is this is this is Molly or something.

Molly, did you do a little Molly before funny moms?

Maybe, yeah.

Imagine how bad comedy would be if the performers were doing Molly.

Yeah, I think that's so funny that you said that, dude.

What do you think would happen?

Dude, imagine if that would be.

Can you imagine that?

What?

Dude, what do you think

would happen?

It would be sort of like,

Dude.

Can you imagine?

Shut up.

Just throw it in.

Would you share any of my other ideas?

No, no, no, no.

What are some other ideas?

Dude, can you imagine if the performers were on the

drugs?

No, but Molly specifically.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Coke makes sense.

Being drunk makes sense for comics to struggle with those things.

Even being high makes sense, but being on Molly.

I can't.

I honestly can't imagine it.

That's too fucked up.

No, dude, I'm just trying to imagine if the performers are on drugs, dude.

Not any drugs.

That is so crazy.

That would be fucked up, I think, actually.

It's so crazy to imagine that, dude.

That is such a...

Like, how would you even come up with a wild scenario like that to imagine it?

And just not even say anything about it.

The implication alone is already so funny that you don't need to say anything about it.

I think, in general, people on drugs when they shouldn't be.

Now, that's some funny stuff.

That is hilarious.

Can you imagine if, like,

what are you.

I don't even understand what you're making fun of.

Molly.

We're not making fun of anything.

We're talking about what a good comedic premise this is.

What a hilarious observation.

Yeah, hilarious, what-if hypothetical.

Can you imagine if the comedians throw me awful comedy?

No, I know.

You're right.

You're right.

And it's fair.

It was bullshit, but it is just funny to just key in on something.

I know, I know, I know.

It is funny.

I get how this works.

You suck my hard-ass dick.

You suck my hardest.

Stop, where are you going to be on

the breakfast tour?

The butt the breakfast tour, baby.

I hear some good things.

And we're selling calendars, baby.

So buy the fucking stavi baby calendar.

It's out there.

Stavi.biz, my website.

They're beautiful calendars.

You're going to love them.

They're flying like hotcakes.

We've sold over 100 already, so keep them coming.

I'm in fucking Columbus this Friday.

Sorry again about Indy.

I'm in Cincinnati this Saturday the 15th and Cleveland on the 16th.

I'm thinking about maybe doing a benefit show for my family friend that recently lost his mother in Baltimore on the 20th.

I don't know where I am.

I can't find my mom.

Yeah, yeah.

She's just out of my mind.

It's Desi R word.

My friend Desi R word.

He's a 40-year-old guy wandering around the mall.

Somebody help me find her.

So there might be a show in Baltimore on the 22nd.

I will post about that soon.

But for now, come see your boy in fucking Pittsburgh on the 11th, Buffalo on the 12th, Schenectady on the 13th.

Oh, and also Lancaster on the 10th on the way to Pittsburgh.

And then big show, Phoenix.

I'm motherfucking coming on the 19th.

Please buy your tickets.

It's a big-ass venue.

Our analytics say people listen in Phoenix.

I'm going to be fucked if people don't show up to that show.

So please come.

And then LA, we're going to add a second show.

Buy your tickets now.

I need like 10 more people to buy.

And they said that'll be enough to buy a second show, to start a second show.

So do that shit, baby, boys and girls.

That's on the 2nd.

And I'm in San Diego on the 27th before that.

Stavi.biz for the Butt the Breakfast Tour.

Come on out, you fucking slobs.

And then this is the last Funny Moms of the Year.

We're also

probably going to be in D.C.

in March with all the boys.

So that's something to look forward to.

We'll finalize all the details there.

We'll likely be part of the Underground Comedy Festival doing a live podcast and a stand-up show.

So get your little dick holes.

Get a very nice venue.

Get your little dick holes wet.

Probably coming back to the motherfucking black cat.

Also, Funny Moms will be back.

We'll be returning January 14th.

Nice.

So have a happy holiday season, everyone.

Have a holiday.

Happy holidays.

Suck my little day.

Suck a man's day.

We wish you a figgy pudding.

We suck you a hard ass peen.

We wish you a figgy pudding.

Yeah, they say that in that song.

Do they?

We should record the song when I come back from Cleveland.

We should record an album.

I wrote my song already.

Shut up, dude.

You heard it.

Shut up, bitch.

All right.

You guys want dinner?

I'm fucking hungry as shit.

I ate too many Oreos.

Yeah.

Let's just get tacos.

I always get tacos.

I'm too tired to do the show.

Come on.

We have to do the show.

It's a good show.

It's a good lineup.

Bonnie McFarlane, JP McDade, Nick Naney.

None of you will be able to go to it because it's happening.

This is coming out after the show.

But I am very excited about it.

It's going to be really fun.

I'm too tired.

So, if you didn't come to this one, you'd probably feel like an asshole, you dumb piece of shit.

Yeah, asshole.

Ooh, what the who is that?

I don't know.

I'm on some Twitter page called UK Slags and Sluts.

UK slags and sluts.

We probably talked about this on Come Time before, but

that fucking

genre of porn, dogging.

Have you ever watched that?

No.

Where it's just British women being driven to a field and being fucked?

Hell yes.

This bitch just pulled up.

Let me see.

No, man.

Come on, chill out.

The show's coming.

All right, guys.

Well, that's the show.

Can I see?

Wait, what's dogging?

Dogging is like just go to a field and fuck a bitch in a field.

That doesn't sound like enough.

It doesn't make any sense.

That doesn't sound like enough.

Why is it called dogging?

I know.

But it's only British, I think.

Maybe I'm completely wrong.

That's what I'm just going to say.

My name is Jean-Raw.

Jean-Raw?

Genre.

My name is Jean-Raw.

Oh, Jean-Raw.

My name is Genre category.

Man, I tried to fucking change my flight to like, and Delta has, like, a bereavement policy if there's like a death.

And

at first, it was like, like, I got a really like nice Asian gay man, and then he was like, okay, this all sounds good, we're gonna figure it all out.

And he's like, I just need to transfer you to my supervisor for the final steps.

And it was an old black lady, and I was like, I'm fucked.

There's no, and then it didn't happen.

They're like, oh, no, we can't do that.

It's just

once you hear, once you hear an aged black lady customer service trying to do something like

extra.

Not me.

You just need to know the code words.

What are they?

You say.

No, no, you got to be like.

No, yeah, I haven't even talked about saving Private Ryan.

Oh, yeah.

What was that?

Not very good.

Not good.

It's like a lot of bad performances.

I remember it being very good.

Yeah, but you were like 13 when you were in.

Yeah, I know.

It's just like Gladiator.

I mean, there's a lot of dumb shit.

No, Gladiators are.

First and foremost, it's like, you know, they're all just like...

Yeah.

But from Brooklyn, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Worse than Bandit Brothers is.

But then, then, yeah, Ed Burns is in it, and he's the Brooklyn guy.

And in case you didn't realize he was from Brooklyn, he's wearing a jacket that says Brooklyn, New York on it.

No, yeah, yeah.

I remember that.

Yeah.

That sucks.

It's very stupid.

Fuck that.

I watched Boogie Knights again.

It's fucking rules still.

Best movie of all time, dude.

The best.

That's the movie corner, everyone.

All right.

I saw, oh, I saw the favorite.

Incredible.

Five stars.

I think that's the show.

The favorites.

Yeah.

This fall, let your home smell as good as it looks.

Pura's app-controlled diffusers bring you premium scents from brands like Nest New York, Capri Blue, and Anthropology.

From Spice Pumpkin to Whitewoods, your fall favorites are just a tap away.

It's home fragrance that feels as elevated as it smells, and right now, it's the perfect time to stock up.

Visit Pura.com and bring home the best scents of the season.

Today, we're exploring deep in the North American wilderness among nature's wildest plants, animals, and

cows.

Uh, you're actually on an Organic Valley dairy farm, where nutritious, delicious, organic food gets its start.

But there's so much nature.

Exactly.

Organic Valley's small family farms protect the land and the plants and animals that call it home.

Extraordinary.

Sure is.

Organic Valley, protecting where your food comes from.

Learn more about their delicious dairy at ov.coop.