Ep. 120 – R2-MeToo

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Having sex.

What is this for?

Wednesday next week.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Nick and I were talking about something really fucking gay earlier.

Don't

you have to fucking broaden it?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

I'm a journalist.

They were talking about Adam's penis.

Thank you.

You can't.

We were having a debate.

I said it's okay.

Nick says enormous.

No, he did not.

Yes, he did.

He said he could be.

Yeah, if you got pictures of Bobby's cock, go ahead and send it to me.

Send those over.

Yeah, just go ahead and be over.

Oh, how you doing, Star Ross?

You boys need anything?

All right,

go ahead and send me those pictures of Bobby's Cock.

Hey, you know what Bobby's Cock looks like?

Just go ahead and fod him to me.

I'm going to fod him to my email.

Ah, fuck.

We are here getting sucked off, eating butt.

Super excited about the new Star Wars movie.

Uh-huh.

It hasn't been announced yet, but boy, am I excited.

It's going to be awesome.

I can't wait.

Finally, all the answers.

To find out, Lando is actually the smartest Jedi.

Yeah, Lando's been a Jedi this whole time.

He's been controlling everyone.

It's a game of chess.

You know, when people are really good at chess, they play themselves.

That's what Lando was doing with Darth Vader and Luke the whole time.

How about Blando Calgizian?

He's like, I'm just a boring guy, but I do like to come.

That's great.

He's wearing a sweater bag.

He lives in Cloud City.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah, dude.

Weed.

I fucking love it, dude.

I love smoking weed.

I actually am addicted to weeding.

Psych.

I had a lot of fun doing weed with you.

Cleveland.

In Cleveland.

Yeah.

Laughing about our friend getting

a girl reading an article.

Someone being groped.

She wasn't groped.

Oh, she wasn't?

No, it was just the guy asked her out for her number, and then she gave it to him.

Whoa, she did?

And And then he kept calling her, asking for dates, some Middle Eastern.

Yeah, trademark, Moroccan persistent.

Maybe I think it said that he asked for a hug.

But they met

a hug-at-type.

Well, today we are mourning the death of Bert

Kreischer.

No, predicting he'll be dead by the time this airs.

The number one party animal of stand-up comedy.

All of his stories are 100% true, without question.

Those all actually happen.

Because there's no such thing as a comedian that would lie on stage

and make a story.

Not for a laugh.

Never would a comedian just make a story up entirely.

You ever meet people like that that just wholesale fabricate like completely?

It's crazy.

I mean, you embellish a little bit, but like

embellishing is what life's all about.

And Bill Bella checking it.

It would be so easy to be.

Someone move their phone from the cords.

It would be so easy to just be a comedian that just...

It's complete bullshit.

Be a storyteller.

There was a comic back in DC who doesn't do stand-up anymore, but one time I was like, he got off stage and I was like, dude, that's a crazy story.

He's like, yeah, it completely didn't happen.

Talking about getting in Gabe.

Gabe, yeah.

Gabe used to do that.

Yeah, yeah.

That story about getting in a car accident with Busy Bone.

The go-the-go-around joke?

Where he's on the bicycle.

No, that happened.

He did get a DUI.

No, he made up that story about getting an

car accident with Busy Bone.

I think he added Busy Bone for no reason.

Yeah, it was just maybe a normal oomph for a little punchline.

He just added a member.

He was a biggest part of the story, which is just

like that guy.

That guy really liked cocaine.

Yeah, yeah, and gambling.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He was up here for a minute.

I went to a baseball game with him after he quit comedy.

We went to a Yankee game.

What is this, a fuse?

No, that's a jewel pod for a jewel.

Were you guys doing a quitting comedy together maybe?

No,

it was after Cometown Scott.

I mean, when you'd see him, it would be like November 20th, and he would be drenched in sweat.

Yeah, yeah.

It'd be freezing cold outside.

What's up, man?

Just sweating pretty much.

Yeah, yeah.

Think about getting back together with my ex, dude.

I'm not sure, though.

He was constantly thinking about getting back together there.

He truly did love Coca-Cola.

Yeah, and...

But he, like, Loki, like, had, like, great finance jobs, so he'd go completely broke and then, like, live, like, like, complete like psycho like modesty for like a couple months, like make all the money back and then leave it again.

He had an apartment like down the street.

Well, he was like over in

Bushwick.

No, he was in the East Village.

He was in a fucking spot like

a couple blocks away from pianos or some shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, in Alphabet City?

No,

I'm trying to think what that area is.

That's the lower east side.

Pianos?

Yeah, it's like Allen and Delancey-ish.

Lower East, baby.

It's Lower East.

Yeah.

Yeah, Gabe is a good one.

Welcome to the Lower East Side.

Yeah, hello, it's the Lower East Side.

Welcome to Lower East Side in New York.

Traditional accent of the Lower East Side.

Yeah, I just love being a bohemian poet.

You know me, I love being a fucking kike landlord.

That's my whole thing: I wake up, eat pastrami, yell at some black people who owe me rent,

put on my stupid fucking hat.

Yeah.

Can you imagine?

God damn, I love wearing this dumbass fucking hat.

Yeah, well, I love it.

Sucking a baby's penis.

Wearing knickerboggers.

I love the little curly shits off the side of my head, yeah.

Yeah, dude.

It's like little Rory Rogers curly fries.

Oh, damn, I'm trying to eat them again.

I keep forgetting they ain't fries.

Damn.

You ever do that?

Eat part of your body because you forget it's you?

I do that all the time, man.

I thought my fucking thumb was a hush puppy.

My fucking fat-ass Jewish thumb.

Yeah, I'm a fucking Jew.

Yeah, I'm a fucking Jew bastard.

I know shit about fucking nothing but money.

You know?

Fuck, I love lighting my fucking big-ass candle.

I got nine candles in one.

That was a deal down at the family dollar.

Oh, yeah.

I said,

let me get nine candles, but pay for one.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I just like to walk into the 99 cents store, see if I could talk them down a couple cents.

Yeah, how about this?

87 cents.

I cannot, my friend, is

Same year I was born.

I got that number tattooed on my neck.

Yeah.

Everybody knows how personal it is to me, the year I was born.

Yeah, I got that and a crab with the Maryland flag.

Even though I am a Jewish man from the Lower East Side.

Buildings in the Lower East Side.

I got the natty bow guy on my fucking nuts.

I got the natty bow guy and he's winking at a coin.

My friend Danny moved into this shitty building that was just first like renovated to rent out to white people in on Bushwick Ave, but like f like right by that cemetery, the Jackie Robinson Parkway, like way down the ave.

It's about a cemetery and it's just for gay guys.

Just for guys who have ball seams.

Okay.

Does everyone have a ball seam?

Yeah, of course.

And then I do you have a ball seam, Adam?

Of course.

Down the air.

I thought some people didn't.

Some people just have one nice round nut.

Asian people don't have it.

I bet you some people have one big ass nut.

Mm-hmm.

That would be pretty funny.

You bet me.

I bet.

You want to bet?

Nah, no, I think I bet that's right.

Yeah, thanks.

No, they were like born with one nut?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I mean, guys with one big ass nut with two nuts swimming, but in it, but there's no seam.

He means a seamless sack.

Seamless sack.

Is that what seamless means?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Every delivery guy does not have a nut.

That'd be great if they started the company Seamless and

didn't buy the website.

So they're like, it's it's seamless.

You can order food on it.

And then they started with all the branding and shit and everything.

It's like they already got the license.

And then they check, and seamless.com is some guy who doesn't have a ball seam, and he's just posting pictures of his balls and assholes for other

middle-aged closeted guys to jack off to.

So much of the internet was that, like, in 1997, half the websites were like, the Pepsi, Bart Simpson experience.

And it's like, go online to Exxon's website where you can play games with other fourth graders.

Yeah, right.

You can enter a chat room that's filled with other kids for sure

on the Nabisco website.

And then it was like, you know, guys that love to like

fuck the menus from Panda Express.

It's like these weird gay niche angel fire websites.

Oh, yeah.

We're part of the, you know, inserting nails into your urethra web ring.

Damn.

Was that a ring?

Yeah, there's a ring.

And there's guys that wore light jeans pulled all the way up to their fucking rib cage.

Just bulge gays.

Gays that are always thinking about how can I accentuate my bulge?

Wasn't there like a wet jeans subculture?

Creaming my jeans, baby.

Creamingmyjeans.com.

I know it very fondly.

Was it men creaming their jeans or women?

CreamingmyJeans.com.

It's men creaming in, coming in specifically Levi's 501s.

Yeah, 501s.

Yeah.

Hell yes.

Yeah, there's also Bearback Exchange, which was that's where I learned the term paused up.

Nice.

Well, that was a big moment for me.

These were big websites for me when I was a kid, dude.

Just nine years old.

Yeah.

Just fucking looking at goatee and sending it to people.

Now, Bearback Exchange was just gay guys having gay sex with no condom?

Well, no, it was like you could bring in like, you know, Donkey Kong Country or like, you know, your Bone Thugs in Harmony CD.

In exchange, man, would fuck your ass without a condom.

Ah, that that was your form of payment.

It was bartering, like the Native Americans.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Was that Buffalo Exchange?

Is that how it got started?

Was it originally Bearback Exchange?

A couple of Buffalo Soldiers.

You just go in, you bring your old quicksilver teas, and then you get fucked in the air.

Fucked in the air.

Yeah.

And then they rebranded because

they were like, we should just take money for these.

For the clothes.

Where were the Buffalo Soldiers?

Black people hired to kill Native Americans?

Yeah, they were like black mercenaries.

They were regular guys.

Yeah, but they were more Rusta.

They're dreadlocked for Rusta.

Buffalo Soldier is an extremely gay name for such a homophobic culture.

Were they actual Jamaicans or just Bob Marley had a song?

I think he had a song just called Buffalo Soldier.

But I think Buffalo Soldiers were black men that signed up to kill all the Native Americans.

I think that which, if you look at the history books, not a single white man ever harmed the Native Americans.

That is true.

It's entirely free blacks who also own slaves.

Stormprint.com.

Who bought slaves from the Jews.

That's very funny.

That's a good joke.

Anyway, so.

Look, man, read your fucking Howard's in.

It's right in the people's history.

You can't believe it.

Right before they talk about how racist Woodrow Wilson is.

The white people's history.

Oh, anyways, Danny moved into this Hasid, like shitty,

just opened apartment.

And they were basically taping tiles to the walls.

And I'd get to his house.

I was like, can I get a glass of water?

He's like, oh, yeah,

the cabinet's right there.

I i literally just opened the cabinet and like the door just flies back i just like ripped off the entire door

yeah it was just so shit i don't think it was fixed for like four months like they you know those chased guys like wouldn't do anything for them yeah

i know that is a type of like i mean is it racist to be like i don't want a hazidic landlord they're the worst landlords they seem just yeah like

polish landlords are pretty bad from what i understand in green point my friends live there

people are pretty good greek gold group landlords aren't bad my first landlord in New York was a Dominican guy who also owned a pawn shop that you needed to buzz in to get into it, like to get into the business.

Yeah.

Did you ever get anything nice?

Do you ever do a little buffalo exchange?

No, he didn't.

When rent was due, would you ever do anything?

He didn't let me get any.

Yeah, he sold a lot of chains with Jesus Pieces.

He had basically just a Jesus Piece store

on Knickerbocker.

You guys are out of town?

You guys are.

I'm out of town on Saturday.

Are you back Monday?

I'm back on Wednesday morning.

Ah, fuck.

Nick,

are you back on Monday or no?

Yeah, but then I got to go to

Boston.

To Boys Town.

To Boystown.

I think Mara Wilson is sub-tweeting my ex-girlfriend.

What?

How would you do that?

They were real ex-girlfriend.

Yeah.

They were.

You got to stop doing that kind of shit.

Damn, bro.

Can we stop it?

Stop it.

Stop it.

No, no, no.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Okay.

I mean, the most like,

you know,

the people that would do anything about it already know who

my ex-girlfriend is, so it doesn't fucking matter.

Anyways, don't fuck with my ex-girlfriend.

Majizilda.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about that?

And

she can jack off dicks with her mom.

I don't know.

How about this?

Fuck Merrow Wilson.

I don't need to sub-tweet anything.

Nice.

You're a fucking idiot.

Matilda sucked.

Matilda was good.

I know.

Miracle on 34th Street sucked.

I didn't see that, but I did like Matilda a lot.

I identified with that fat kid that ate all the cake.

Yeah.

That was my favorite guy.

In Matilda?

Mm-hmm.

What was it?

It was like a mean lesbian.

Yeah, some fat, some fat.

Runstable or something.

Yep.

Who

trunchable.

Trunchable.

In elementary school, Eldis played her in a production of Matilda.

A boy.

Yeah, yeah.

He did a cross-defending.

Yep.

That rocks.

And he nailed it.

He knocked it out of the park.

Because he was tall, probably, in it.

Yeah, pudgy, fat.

He looked like a lesbian.

He looked like a big old tight.

He did.

And listen, too many people make that joke.

Like, now every straight comic, every straight male comic that wears flannel says, I look like a lesbian.

But Eldis legitimately has the body type of a big, like, butch lesbian.

He's got women's hips and he dresses like a man, and that's pretty much what you need.

That's the combination.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's got a couple of nice little pair of titties on him.

Yeah, I fucking know.

Would you fuck Eldis?

No way.

Me neither.

It's disgusting.

Fucking pudding, man.

Disgusting.

Yeah.

Gross.

You have a better version of fat than him.

Yes, but he just has to be tall and has hands.

Actually, he has a better version of fat.

He's got a better body for sure.

He just lucked in.

Like I've said before.

No, but he's like pear-shaped.

His body shapes.

You're in a better shape.

I have a funnier, nicer.

I'm very taut as a fan of that.

Yeah, your skin is tight.

His skin is loose.

Exactly, exactly.

Yeah.

Yep.

You get a little squeeze of my cheeks.

He's more like jiggly than you are.

You're sort of just bursting.

Puff my dick.

Yeah, I am.

I'm bursting at the seams because I'm fucking horny, dude.

My nuts, my seamed up nuts.

Yeah, exactly.

You don't only have cum in your nuts.

It's in your stomach, ass.

It's everywhere.

And then when you blast, I'm not just, yeah, I'm not fat.

I just have a lot of jizz.

Old faithful.

Throughout my whole.

Oh, yeah.

The girls jump up like a yeah, like a geyser, basically.

Peter North style cum shots.

What's the biggest cum shot you've ever done in your life?

Do you remember?

I don't know.

I guess it could be about a lot of people.

Oh, so do you want to take back what you said?

Can we?

No, I still don't like.

I don't know.

There seems to be nothing wrong with her.

I don't really know her, but I like Matilda.

Don't fucking take Matilda's side on this, dude.

Bro, I don't know, man.

She's not going to suck your dick with her mind.

She's a bunch of books rubbing your dick.

She's a floating books.

Danny DeVito's like, get him off.

Do it, Matilda.

Get him off.

Just a fucking fucking fleshlight.

She jacks my cotton off.

What if Darth Vader was in the closet, right?

I'm listening.

But then he used Sith magic to jack men off, but because he wasn't touching them, he was like, it's not gay.

Right?

He can choke guys.

Why can't he jack them off?

He chokes them and he does the thing with his hand.

So he can do this though.

But what I'm saying is, as long as he only uses his mind and not his hand to pantomime it, it's not gay.

All right.

They're at like a Sith council meeting and his hand is under the table.

No one sees him jacking

the guy.

If he can do it with his mind, which I believe he's powerful enough to do.

He is.

He's one of the most powerful

Sith lords in in Sith Lord.

She's sub-tweeting

brilliant, sensitive, warm, funny, accomplished women who have

podcast boyfriends.

Oh.

But she goes, Brilliant, sensitive, warm, funny, accomplished woman.

Have you met my boyfriend?

Jester's degrunting, fanged, drooling, Minnie Eldritch abomination wearing only a t-shirt that says jizz.

Woman, he has a podcast.

Felix has a girlfriend?

Yeah.

First of all, Felix does.

His girlfriend is gaming.

That's true.

Yeah,

his girlfriend is four.

Married to the game, no mistress.

What the fuck is Minnie Eldritch?

What is that a reference to?

Is that some sort of Tolkien-esque kind of Eldritch?

Maybe.

I don't know.

Eldritch?

Sounds like a black guy from the 70s.

Yeah, it's wearing only a t-shirt that says jit.

I don't have any shirts.

Like a black guy with mutton chops.

I only have racist t-shirts.

I have a podcast with cum in the name, but I don't know.

I don't think she's talking about you, man.

Relax.

Yeah, and then she says, you have a degree in social work and run a feminist website.

Why are you with an actual monster?

Yeah, I mean, that sounds good.

Because I felt good.

I don't know what he's going to tell you.

You idiot.

Yeah, because he can.

Damn, he's got you, dude.

Well, I just don't like her.

Take all the people because she just sucks.

Umara?

Yeah.

Dude, don't talk about her.

Are we good friends with Matilda like that?

Yeah, she's always had garbage takes.

Yeah.

But she gives a fuck about her takes.

She's Matilda.

That's all she had to do.

Yeah.

That's the thing, dude.

I don't need to hear what anyone thinks about anything.

If you did a thing I love, that's it.

You're in for the rest of my life.

That's right.

Well, I'm there for the most part, but it's fun to engage in these.

That's true.

Yeah.

These things.

This will get back to her probably.

Oh, hopefully.

I'm sure it will.

This is the free episode Wednesday, the 12th.

Matilda, if you're listening to this, I think.

The 12th.

You can move things with your mind.

Yeah.

Let me know.

Yeah, Matilda, if you're so smart, why don't you use your fucking mind to rebuild the Twin Towers?

You selfish people.

How about just stop it from crashing in in the fucking first place?

Yeah.

Why don't you do that?

Yeah, Isis agrees.

How about

a miracle on Wall Street.

It's about a little girl that stood up to that bull or whatever.

And then everybody fucked it.

Give me some of that good bull pussy.

Give me some of that capitalist fucking thing.

Did they end up doing that statue of the little girl at the bull?

What do you mean?

Did they end up doing it?

Yeah, they did it.

They did it.

It's there.

You saw pictures of it.

Well, I thought that they ended up not doing it.

It's either there or it's not.

Well, I thought that someone said they were going to do it, but then they had to do it.

And what did you see?

An artist right now?

I don't hang out on walls.

You and I'm in the fucking street.

You're trying to steal being stupid for me and stop.

No, I am stupid.

No, you fucking stop.

Yeah, look, that's how you know he's doing it.

No, you fucking piece of shit.

So, if I ever know something, the way I present it is

the way I present it.

I start being nice to him.

He loses his edge on.

Don't start.

And then he's trying to steal being dumb.

Don't start.

First of all, I hold down.

Don't start being nice to me.

You've always been such a kind gentleman.

Listen.

Second of all, don't come from my fucking corner, dude.

Okay?

I'm the dumb one here.

Please, I have said some of the dumbest things that I've ever said.

Stop saying, but I do it lovely.

Alignment charts.

Stav, dumb, good.

Me, dumb, bad.

You, bad, good.

Dumb, smart.

Evil, smart?

That's true.

That's true.

I'll take that.

Chaotic, smart, bad.

What do those alignment charts mean?

I don't fucking know.

I don't know.

I think it's some mini Eldritch thing.

I saw one recently.

Hey, Eldritch.

Get your ass in here.

Nick Eldritch.

Black Eldritch.

You're in the middle of it.

Eldritch is a black mechanic from the 70s, as far as I'm concerned.

Eldridge Speaker.

Eldritch, fix my motherfucking spark plugs.

Dude, I fucking, I was on the road.

You got sport oil all over your damn sidebunch.

I was on the road with this comic from Texas.

Oh, yeah, I found it.

And you know what?

Let me let me tell let me tell this story after I

think about my underwear for a second.

Actually, I think about gambling.

I think about my underwear in about 20 minutes, exactly.

Right now, I'm thinking about gambling.

And I'm thinking about gambling at BetTSI.com.

That's right.

Bet the DSI.

Betthsi.com, what can you say about them, folks?

Number one, they're a website.

That's definitely

in, for sure.

They got a website, they got a mobile app that, from what I am to be made to understood, is very easy to use.

Yep.

You know, you're out there, you're one of these guys.

You know how I use the app?

You're not one of those guys.

Oh, yeah.

From the last

regular guy.

Yeah, when I play backjacked,

you go all the way up to 23 because there's an extra card.

Yeah, 22?

Hit me.

And then they're like, I'm sorry, you busted with 20.

It's like, actually, I busted about 20 minutes ago when the waitress walked by.

But I'll have you know that when I play backjack, I get to go up to 22.

And then the pit boss comes over.

He's like, he's fucking right.

That's the chromosome rule.

After Rainman,

after they stole a rainbow.

No, when Rainman came in, they had to change the rules so we didn't get any more Rainman in here.

But then the the different kind of Rainmans figured it out.

Anyways, that's kind of what like that's like a uh an illustration of what's going on at Bet DSI.

Absolutely.

Those kind of situations it isn't they don't have blackjack, but you don't have blackjack gamble on sports.

Sports games.

And you know what?

They got great customer service.

So call them up twenty-four-seven, demand they add blackjack.

Demand that you say, well, first of all, motherfucker, do you feel lucky?

You gotta ask yourself, do you feel lucky?

And then, you know, place bets on shit like was Mara Wilson sub-tweeting.

That's right.

Off the board.

Yeah.

10 to 1.

Yeah, they got a good, they've been paying out winners for a long time.

Long ass time.

Long ass time.

Probably as long as the company's been around.

Yeah, I would say so.

If I have to assume something.

That's right.

And they got a great app.

Easy to use.

Mobile interface.

Easy ass use.

Bet, play, motherfucking win.

It's fucking easy.

Listen, take the Ravens, man.

Over the Bengals, Thursday night football.

We're doing this a little early, so the line isn't out yet.

Oh, it's next week, yeah.

But I will say we will not lose to the bumass Bengals.

The bingels.

Fuck the Bengals.

Ravens at home?

Ravens at.

At TD Bank?

No, it's not TD Bank.

What's it called?

MT Bank.

M T Bank.

Yeah, take them and also

I don't fucking know.

Bet against the Raiders every game.

Yes,

my beloved Raiders

traded away their best player.

So

Bet DSI.

Bet DSI.

Come 120.

And you get 120%.

Let me find.

I got to find the.

Because

I fucked it up one time.

They got mad at me.

All right.

Because it's come 125 or 120.

Sorry.

Okay, yeah.

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And you get 120% bonus on your initial deposit.

Damn.

See, look, I mean, look, this is the kind of stuff that Bet DSI will do for you.

You know, you don't need to remember things.

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But as long as you use Come 120.

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And we're back.

And we're

back.

We're back.

And I have a hard penis.

Yeah, I'm sort of excited.

You guys don't care about football at all, right?

No, but I did want to tell that story, but I was on the road with that comic from Texas.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Tell the story.

And yeah, he said the fucking funniest goddamn thing.

So we were driving.

We were going out to like Midland, Texas.

So we're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

And he was talking about his timing belt snapped in the middle of like West Texas.

And he pulled over into a garage.

And

like, they didn't have a way to, you know, put his car.

I don't know.

They couldn't replace the timing belt there.

So they're like, well, you can get it towed to the next town over.

And there's this guy, and he calls the guy like N-word Charlie.

Jesus.

Yeah.

And he's like, just go there.

And he does it even a way where he's like, ask for N-word Charlie.

And he's like,

I can't share that.

So this gas station there.

Yeah, yeah.

And he's like, I can't do that.

That's his fucking name.

He's like, no, it's okay.

He calls himself that.

Oh, my God.

You know, that's his.

It's unbelievable.

It's from

a Mark Twain, bro.

They're really big Twain.

I would just love it if he got that ten.

He's like, yeah, I'm looking for Charlie.

And they're like, who are you talking about?

And then the black guy comes up.

He's like, well,

I mean, I'm might, but that's not my name exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

What kind of which Charlie?

There's only one.

Chocolate, Charlie.

It's like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

They're like, I didn't want to call you the other thing.

And then he says it.

And he's like, oh, so chocolate's okay, huh?

You think just because I'm a boob, that you can call me chocolate?

The wild world of West Texas.

Damn.

That seems, that West Texas seems horrible.

It's actually nice, too.

Isn't it just a ton of like it's just dry?

Desert

completely empty.

It's so open and empty that you get claustrophobic.

That's all the fucking sanity because you're trapped by nothing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because there's nothing that's all around.

There's a lot more Mexican people in West Texas, right?

I don't know.

There's no

people in West Texas.

You said more than in East Texas.

Maybe I'm wrong.

I'm wrong.

I'm wrong.

I don't know why I said that.

Dude, you're trying to be dumber than me, man.

And watch it.

You can see this guy's moves from a mile away.

I'm going to say some smart shit.

Let me think about some smart shit.

You want to position yourself to be the dumb one.

Unbelievable.

Let me try to do some smartphone.

I'm going to try to

do it.

And liking titties.

And being fat as shit.

Let me try.

You will not take any of that for me.

I'm the wildly insecure, angry one.

That's my role.

Nick, you're the smart one.

See, what are you trying to do?

He is smart.

He's not smart, man.

He's very smart.

We're all dumb.

You think you're smart.

Nick is kind of smart only because other people are dumb as shit, and I'm dumb.

I'm smart at like UPN from 1996.

And he has facts.

But man knows facts.

But through months of abuse from you guys, I've realized that I'm not smart.

Stop it.

You guys,

you win, I lose.

I'm dumb.

First of all, yes, you do lose.

I'm dumb.

And you have a little penis?

The last time?

Okay, no, first of all,

do you have a little penis?

Yeah, the smartest.

You're the one with the smallest dick.

That was three.

That's not true.

Either you're smart and you have a good dick, or you're dumb and you have a little penis.

So which one is it?

I'm smart and I have a good dick.

Yeah, bitch, you're fucking smart.

Except you're dumb and your dick is small, but you can't say it, motherfucker.

I'm smart and my dick is small.

The old switcheroo.

God damn it, Zob, you've outsmarted me.

You might recognize that player

from the end of The Sting, 1973.

Robert Shaw's like, Buaj, my dick look like this.

In this version, he was Australia.

Uh-huh.

Also, he was the one that did it.

The Sting is a movie where Paul Newman and Robert Redford trick Robert Shaw into putting a B into his penis.

He's like, okay, I guess I'll put a B in my dick.

He's like Irish.

What is that?

I don't remember.

Loyal Donegan.

Is that the character's name?

I don't know, but

Loyal Donnegan.

I don't remember.

But salute to them for having

such a good prank.

And by the way, that wasn't smart.

That was street smart.

Look, this is the play, Mac.

What you do is you put the Vig in the napkin.

The napkin over the Vig.

And then you put that in your pocket.

you shake his hand twice, you go outside, you wait for the trolley car.

When the trolley car comes, you hop on, hop right back off real quick, go back inside, kiss your broad on the lips, then you present the guy with the scam.

What's the scam?

It's a bumblebee, and they say, listen, pal, I got $500 in my pocket, and you can have it as long as you put this bee in your dick.

What?

That's a lot of money.

Well, that's a lot of money.

I guess I should put this bee.

And then it stings him.

And of course, I mean, you already gave him the $500, but it's pretty funny.

No, it's the cigar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is that song called?

Yeah, The Entertainer.

Scott Joplin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Paul Newman.

He's got a little cigar.

Well, Robert, we're all out of fucking money, but that guy got a B in his dick.

Just another beautiful day here in Chicago.

Good grift, dude.

Great grift.

And then you beat the shit out of him and take the 500 back.

Well,

time to go mourn the loss of your black friend that died in the first half of the movie and we didn't really care about it too much.

Oh, damn, I forgot about that.

Yeah.

You even played him.

Charlie Murphy?

No.

Roger Jones.

James Earl Jones' dad, I think.

Whoa.

Nice.

Richard Jones.

Who the fuck is actually?

Jenny Jones.

John Jones.

Who Jenny?

Jenny Jones.

She was hotter than Ricky Lake.

Her weight used to fluctuate.

Yeah, Jenny Jones,

she had big titties, right?

I don't remember the titties.

I remember she was blonde.

I think I would pound out Jenny Jones.

She had yellow hair.

Robert Earl Jones.

They had the same middle name.

Or Earl Jones is their last name.

Yeah.

Ooh, that's cool.

Robert

Mufasa Jones.

Mufasa is a good-ass name.

Sick name.

Would you guys think it was weird if I named my son Mufasa?

Yes.

Cindy Friedland.

You are African.

Yeah, there you go.

It makes sense.

It's a nod to the prairies.

Exactly.

The savannah.

That you grew up on.

Yeah.

It was a nod to when I watched my father die

before my eyes as a youth.

What a great voice.

I wish I sounded like

James Earl Jones.

I know.

Is he alive?

Yeah.

He's still kicking.

Who's Lacey Green?

I don't know, but she sounds like a porn star.

Lacey's a real porn star name.

Lacey Peterson?

Scott Peterson's wife.

Is that her name?

Lacey?

I don't know.

My man, Scott, chopped that bitch up, huh?

Dyed his shit orange instead of hair.

Bleached his hair.

Dyed his shit orange instead of badge up here.

I'll catch you, motherfuckers.

He did, like, the classic middle school move, which was like you ask your dad if you can get bleach tips, and then your dad's like, what are you gay?

And then you're like, never mind.

And then you take hydrogen peroxide and you try to bleach your hair yourself and it just turns orange.

I've never bleached it.

I've never heard of that in my life.

And I don't know anyone that

Adam had his visor upside down.

In middle school, yeah, he had his razor scooter around.

Upside down, quicksilver visors, bleach tips, spiky hair.

Bro, that was like the razor look.

The razor scooter was not stable enough for me.

Yeah, I got one with Jonas.

Jonas coming.

Me and Stav were a couple of big boys.

I literally had a lot of fun.

It was not so fat.

What is he doing taking guests

while we're doing the show?

He's working, dude.

He knows we're doing the show.

No respect.

Dude, it's so funny.

Usually we go a couple days in between, but for scheduling, we had to record back to back.

And I remember last night I was like, ugh, I have to fucking do the podcast again tomorrow.

All right, sorry.

Jonah is here now.

Hey, Jonah.

Good to see you.

Jonah, don't you have something to say?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, do it, do it, do it.

Oh, you can't put me on the spot like that.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, my friend Jonah just came over, and Nick's been doing a really good job.

Yeah, I really won't be able to do it if he's here.

Damn, go in the other room, Jonah.

No, I mean, I know he's in the other room.

No, he's gone, dude.

He went to the window.

He went to the street.

The Joe List has been fucked up, too.

I can't look.

Here we go.

He closes.

I'll use List as a test.

Okay, I can't do it.

You do it, and then Jonah will, on Mike, just say one thing.

We'll see how close it is.

I'm telling you,

I'm not feeling right now.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm retiring retiring from impressions.

What are you talking about?

You're a master of impressions.

For me to perform at this caliber is a disgrace to myself and the sport.

Or something like that.

Isn't that what Tyson said?

He said he's like.

That last fight, he just quit.

Yeah, he was like some fat white guy that barely bought it.

Just some Irish guy

at Palma Shelter.

He was an Irish guy, right?

Yeah.

I said, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, just some big Irish retard, and he just gave up.

And he was like, for me to lose to a fighter this calibre is like disrespectful to myself and the sports.

He's right.

He's right.

He's disrespectful to himself in the sport.

He was one of the greatest champions of all time.

Lenny Threw.

And he burned out when he was 22.

Well, he went to jail for raping and beating a woman.

Which should make you better at boxing.

In the prime of his career.

I'm sorry.

For any other career, I would say, yeah, that probably didn't help.

But if you go to jail for rape, there's no way you didn't become better at boxing.

You're just doing push-ups.

I don't know.

I think that if you're Mike Tyson, you're going to jail and you're like the heavyweight.

Not only does it make you better at boxing, it makes you better at rape.

That's true.

He probably did.

Yeah.

And Mr.

Tyson, for raping, we sentence you to seven years in prison, which will either make you worse at rape or much, much better at it.

Very good at it.

Or either you'll regret your decision to rape or become a master of rape.

Quite possibly the greatest rapist of all time.

Big fan of your work, by the way.

Whose fan?

The rapes, I mean.

The rapes, not boxing.

I like that he's going to some colonial British prison.

Yeah,

the judge is wearing a wig.

No, I just thought you had to start talking like this when you became a judge.

I used to always think that I was born on the day he lost.

I was born.

To who?

Buster Douglas?

Buster Douglas.

It was on February 11th, and one of my

family friend told this incredible story about watching the fight and hearing that I was being born at the same time.

And then I looked it up, and it was actually 1990, not 1989.

Yeah.

So we just completely.

It was a lie.

And I was fucking, I was robbed of this beautiful memory.

See, that's the difference between you and me.

I would just keep telling that lie.

That's true.

Because someone told it to me once, so it sounded plausible.

I would make it even more fantastic.

Yeah, yeah.

My mother

in Tokyo, his face hit the mat.

Yeah.

I popped out of the mat.

Oh, it was in in Tokyo.

I popped out of that pussa Duch Leo.

Oh, I can't wait, boys, by the way.

To go to Fukio?

Yeah, to go to Fukuyo and box you.

Don't tell people we're going to Japan, man.

I don't want people coming up.

I don't want these Japanese people coming up to me.

Swarming us?

Yeah.

Well, my idea is.

What if the podcast is like the number one thing in Japan?

We had no idea.

Yeah.

We just moved there.

Like that band Anvil.

Have you seen that documentary?

They let me like cut a fat pig's throat at the festival.

Oh, yeah, those really fat pigs.

Yeah.

there's that's their south by, dude.

Yeah,

yeah, it's in Taiwan, but that's their south by

I can't wait to eat sushi.

There's this documentary called Anvil about this Canadian band who were like complete metal band, and there were complete washouts, and they're like, Yeah, just one more tour, one more tour, and they're, you know, they're like, there's no reason to keep doing this.

And then they get to Japan, and like the whole time, they were just huge there.

They had no idea.

It's crazy.

And they're like playing a stadium.

It's like, you want to cry at the the end of it.

It's like.

You know, I was singing earlier, Panic, Where the Dicks Go.

Yeah, that's right.

Damn, which one is there?

I can't remember them.

Vegas Legends.

Closing the goddamn door, dude.

Oh, yeah.

I chimed in with the haven't you people ever heard of?

Sucking a goddamn dick.

Yeah.

Letting me suck your cock, please.

Very fucking gay.

Vegas Legends.

Where the dicks?

Vegas Legends.

All the peens.

Where did all the dicks go?

Holy shit, where are the dicks?

Yeah, it's fun, huh?

When we were senior, me like it, gay sex.

Me like

gay sex.

Me like it, gay sex.

Okay, Adam, you're not pretty.

Me like sex.

Me like hole.

Thank you, Stoppers.

Come on, dude.

I just want to be a part of something.

I wish I could do a Keith Aviation precious.

I like butthole.

I like Mankome.

I was saying that earlier.

The Navy.

Yeah, Navy.

The Navy.

Navy.

Accelerate your life.

It's not bad.

That's good.

Yeah.

People would know what you're talking about.

Ass to ass.

Ass to ass.

That sucked that dick snowball.

What does he say?

What does he say?

It ain't going to.

I ain't taking it out for Air Cinderella.

Yeah.

That's a great one.

What's the line that he says to Connolly, though?

Keith David.

I don't remember.

Requiem for a dream.

Is he still alive?

Requiem.

R.I.P.

Burt.

Do you remember the

RB?

The RB star from England, Craig David?

Huh?

Do you remember Craig David?

No.

Can You Feel Me?

Can You Fill Me In?

No.

You don't remember that song?

Was that about his ass?

Yes.

He says, I know it's pretty, baby, but I didn't take it out for you.

About his dick.

That rules.

That movie is not

as good as I remember it was.

I've never fully seen it.

I've seen the ass movie movie.

When you see it,

when you're like 15, you're like, wow, this is amazing.

So many cuts, ask to ask.

This is the greatest movie ever.

Then you watch it again, you're like, oh, it's not actually that.

But Black Broads don't know nothing about no head.

Wait, that's not true, Keith.

I don't know why.

Maybe that's what I do with superhead crowds.

Yeah.

How do you do Keith David?

You had it the first time.

Navy.

Accelerate your life.

I don't know.

I can't do it.

That's good.

No.

That's close.

It's close.

Do the take it out for air thing again?

I know it's pretty, baby, but I didn't take it out for air.

Yeah,

it's good.

It's gravelly.

At the end, it's pretty good.

You can't go as deep, though.

You don't have his vocal range.

I didn't take it out for air.

Yeah, I can't do it.

You lost it.

He's got like

an elocution.

Yes, he does.

You know, he sounds right.

He does.

That's why he was the voice of the Navy.

Yeah.

Navy, suck another man's penis.

On a boat.

Suck off a man on a boat.

Bum, bum, but I'm not a bum bum bum.

I'm a sucking.

Remember those Marines commercials where it's like the Marine is like on a chessboard fighting a dragon?

No, the fire

monster.

Yeah, there's like a lava monster.

It's right.

And he's climbing that, like, that, like,

it's like, looks like a tower, but it's like made out of rocks and shit.

The U.S.

Marines, are you seven years old?

Do you think this kind of shit is cool?

Hopefully, in seven years, you'll know that this is what you want to do with your life.

God damn.

Imagine.

What?

There had to have been a couple guys that think that that got into the Marines for

that dragon.

Yeah.

I got into this to kill a dragon.

I thought I was going to kill a dragon.

There was probably, I actually think you're right.

I think they thought that sword, they were going to fight magical guys.

That sword shit.

Nothing about being a Marine has anything to do with swords.

And they got those little fucking bitch-ass uniforms, white pants.

At the end of that commercial, The Feud, The Proud of the Marine, he like flips the sword up to his shoulder.

And it's like, have you ever tried to do it?

I constantly tried to do that as a kid.

Yeah, Adam would play with his baton in his room and try to do all of the moves that the pretty navy man did in the commercial.

I had a place or his baton collection.

Oh, I had like a I had a lightsaber.

Yeah.

Oh, lightsabers.

Yeah.

Mom, Dad, I'm going to be in the parade.

I mean, it's the shitty one.

You know the expensive one that made the noise?

Yeah.

Of course.

Yeah, my parents wouldn't give me that shit.

What's like a...

There was like a better lightsaber that you could get at Toys R Us.

The one that didn't fold out.

There was one that was just a sword the whole time.

And you turned it on.

It was like zing-oing.

Yeah, it made the lightsaber noises.

And then there was one that was just like that just extended.

You would just flip it out.

I remember as every little kid, I would someone cries.

As a little kid, I would fantasize that when I was older, they would know how to make lightsabers.

and that I would just be able to have access to one.

Like, they would let me just have a laser sword.

Yeah.

Do you remember that?

I wanted to be Luke Skywalker.

Remember that movie, Johnny Pneumonic?

The Kiana movie?

Yeah, that's right.

Do you remember that thing, that like rope thing that they'd cut people's heads off with in that movie?

It was like a lightsaber rope, and then you'd just go behind someone and then wrap it around their neck and just slice their head off.

Yeah, I want to cut somebody's head off.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

With what?

I don't know, a machete, maybe.

Really sharp, or would you hack the the shit off?

Dull as hell, baby.

Yeah.

A couple whacks.

I want to cut someone's head off with a souvenir baseball bat.

That would be fucking hurt if that happened.

There used to be a minor league team in Vegas, and I used to.

Called the Vegas Gay Adams?

No, they were called the Vegas Stars.

Now they're called the 51s

after Area 51.

Yeah.

They're the Mets.

The Mets AAA team.

That's pretty cool.

But they were the Dodgers AAA team for a while.

Anyway, do they have green animals?

They had a mini-bat night, and people were throwing them on the field, and they had to stop it.

How many did you sneak out in your ass?

Did they still do that thing at Red Wings games where they...

The squid?

Yeah, an octopus.

I think they still do that.

Nice.

Damn, they're gonna be able to do that.

They throw an octopus.

It's a good octopus.

That's a good thing.

Octopus is delicious.

No, it's the dangerous ones.

Oh, fuck.

The evil ones.

They're smart.

They're like

they escape.

Yeah, I don't fucking put them in.

I don't fuck with them.

They have octopi, dude.

They don't have bones.

You know what I think is cool though?

Because they're sort of like birds in a way.

There's a beak.

A big type of hermit crab.

They're related to hermit crabs.

They're called robber crabs that break into people's houses and steal their pots and pans because they like shiny things.

Is that real?

Yeah.

That rocks.

Yeah, and they're enormous.

How big?

Here, I'll pull one up.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Imagine just finding one of those motherfuckers in your kitchen, dude.

I know.

They're enormous.

They're terrifying.

Can you shoot it?

What does its meat taste like?

Does it taste like crab?

Probably, but I mean, look at the size of this fucking thing.

Ooh, I hate that thing.

I know.

That scares me, dude.

I know.

Look how fucking big that crab is, dude.

No, fuck that.

They're enormous.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

I do not want anything.

Yeah, they're like giant spiders, basically.

That's really scary.

I know.

Look at this.

Fuck.

Look up what its meat tastes like.

I don't think they taste very good.

Well, who knows?

You won't know until you look it up.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not looking it up.

I want to see a picture of one stealing pots and pans.

Alright.

Well, I'm going to just wonder.

I'm just going to assume it's like crap at a little gaming.

Like, oh, her pots and pans are gone.

I guess a Chinese family must be naming their kid.

What an awesome joke that was.

I love that joke.

Throw him down the stairs, baby.

Shut up.

Well,

if you got parents, they probably wear underwear.

Yep.

That that, no, that's fact.

That's factual.

Probably, yeah.

No, you're right.

Yeah.

And with the holidays coming up, you probably want to.

Yeah, it's holiday season.

And that means it's underwear season, baby.

It's getting cold out there, folks.

Cold on your wear out.

Another pair of underwear for your mom and dad.

You got to wrap your mom's pussy up and beautiful underwear.

Your mom's stinky pussy.

It's because of you.

You stunk it up when you came out.

A lot of people don't know this, but if you listen to pussy.

You were probably taking dumps in your mom's pussy throughout the pregnancy.

And that's why your mom needs Mac Weldon underwear.

I don't know about you guys, but.

Because your mom's got a bunch of turds up.

Baby turds for

25 years.

Listen, ladies, if you've got a fella in your life, he probably needs underwear.

But more importantly, you need to go to MacWeldon.com and get some men's underwear to deal with your turreted-up pussy.

They believe in smart design,

premium shopping, and simple fabrics.

I think you kind of fucked that one up, but it's fine.

They got

simple minds, simple clothes.

As a mentally handicapped man,

we did that for the last screen.

The last screen featured heavily

in the rain men of different kinds.

Yeah,

definitely need to wear more underwear.

God damn it, Ray.

Did you shit yourself again?

You're lucky you've made me $200,000 over the weekend.

Also, we're brothers, Charlie.

Don't forget that we're brothers with each other.

I don't give a shit.

How does that move?

Actually, let's finish the read.

Yeah.

We should all watch Rain Man together after this.

I'm going to take a nap, dude.

I feel like shit.

I'm going to go to the gym, probably.

Nice.

And while I'm at the gym, I'll be wearing my Mac welding underwear, which is good for any kind of.

I'll be napping with them, I'll be there.

Yeah, you can nap and wear Mac welding underwear.

You can get dressed with it on.

You can get head.

You can get

a penis in the underwear and demand that she sucks you off through.

That's how good this shit is.

The calm will seep through the seams.

You could do what I do, which is wear one pair of Mac welding underwear and then

second pair on the ball.

No, that's not awesome.

And then data guy, that's not what I wear.

That's Mac welding underwear.

That's homophobic.

It's not homophobic.

It's phonophone.

Saying that's what you do.

I'm not afraid of it.

I'm not a pussy.

First of all, I'll never be afraid of

any gay man.

They're all pussies, you ask me.

Okay.

So, yeah, guys, Mac Weldon.

I think

that's a good idea.

Mac Weldon underwear.

Smart Design, Premium Fabric, Simple Shopping.

I've used the website myself.

Very easy to use.

You go on there, click, bet, win.

You check them out.

You got the wrong one.

I know.

I'm sorry.

It was a bit, man.

Yeah, no, it's not a bit.

I really do love their underwear, you know.

Especially

their silver line of underwear and shirts, which are naturally antimicrobial, which means if you've got a small dick and you put them on, your dick is gone.

It'll burn your dick off.

It'll burn your small dick off.

No, it will know.

That's not true.

It'll make it bigger.

Well, Adam knows personally.

Yeah, I don't know.

I wear two pairs of Mac weldons at the same time.

Your dick double as big?

No, because the outer Mac weldons function as short.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I actually have an Audi pussy.

You have an Audi pussy.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Anyways.

When you buy underwear for your Audi pussy, what promo code do you use?

I use promo code C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

You get twenty-five percent off or tw sorry, twenty-five dollar.

What the fuck was it?

God damn, I hate remembering numbers.

Anyways, use promo code Come Town.

I'm sure you guys are all at the website right now.

Yeah, of course.

Why wouldn't you be, you gay bastards?

And you get twenty and then you tell you what, if you don't like the underwear Oh, yeah, you get a f you just keep them and they'll refund you.

Yeah, they refund you the money, money, but you keep the underwear.

Just call them up.

Use promo code Come Town.

And

shit.

It's just, it's so hard to search the mail.

I know the promo code is definitely C-U-M T-O-W.

Yeah, it's almost certainly C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

All right, here we go.

All right.

Damn, my fucking.

Zay, go to MacWell.com, get 20% off.

Not $25.

20% off.

20% off your order using promo code COMTONCUM

T-O-W-N.

And we're back.

Damn, bitch.

We're fucking back.

Me lucky get six.

Me lucky gay sex.

I love that song, dude.

Oh, yeah.

I can't wait for summer to be over.

I fucking hate the summer.

No, dude, I want to get.

Now that I'm.

Oh, by the way, I'm back in shoes.

Today was.

Oh, yeah.

Yesterday was my first day out of the boot.

I'm limping like a bitch, but I'm out there, dude.

We should go to the aqueduct soon when the ponies start racing again.

Is it out of the podcast?

One of the beach.

I think so.

I think they do it on April and then again in fall.

I would love to bet on the ponies.

Actually, a friend of a friend I hear is a hell of a handicapper.

Oh, yeah.

And apparently it's you got to go to the races with this fellow because he knows what he's doing.

Yeah, we'll make some money.

What's his name?

I'm not going to say his name on the pod, but we should go with this.

You're not going to say his name.

It's a man.

Yeah, that's right.

What's his name, man?

You and this guy hanging out?

Me and this horse handy cat

going to the ponies.

Yeah, yeah, what's his name?

Yeah, howdy.

Yeah,

dude.

Has he got a man's name?

Yeah, dude.

So, anyway, what were you saying?

Dude, I've never even met a guy.

I don't know any guy.

That's crazy, though.

Yeah, that's crazy.

What are their names?

Yeah, what are the names of the name?

What's the guy's name?

Oh, yeah.

You haven't met guys?

It feels good.

I genuinely mean this.

I bet it does feel good.

It feels good like we're back to normal a little bit.

It feels like we're back to normal a little bit.

Yeah.

What's normal?

What's normal's name?

What's normal is you calling me a home.

What's his name?

Calling me a human being.

What's that guy normal's name?

Oh, man.

Out of context, what's his name?

Oh, fuck.

I can't wait for people to say that to me for years and years.

Yeah, I'm sure you're going to be the one that people are saying that to.

You will.

Why?

Who's going to say it to you?

What's his name?

Yeah, is a guy going to tell you that?

What's his name?

I don't know.

I don't know.

What's the name of of the man?

You guys, you guys are a riot.

Let me tell you.

You guys.

You guys are.

Crack me up.

It's like, whose line is it anyway?

But it's what's his name anyway?

And it's an improv show where they just keep calling Ryan Styles gay.

Ryan, you're gay?

Yeah.

All right, the next game coming up.

Wayne Brady, you're gay.

Oh, damn.

Colin Mockery.

Colin Mockery.

Fucking queer.

Oh, thanks, Drew.

I used to think Colin Mockery was hilarious.

Yeah, I bet you when I was a guy.

I always hated that shit.

When I was a guy, when I was a kid.

Whose line is it anyway?

Yeah.

I didn't like it.

I thought it was fun.

I just knew it.

I mean, it was so clear that it was scripted.

Was it?

Yeah.

I guess you're probably right now.

It probably wasn't.

Why wouldn't they just.

Because I thought it was like magic.

No, there are a ton of people that can do these that can do improv.

Yeah, and you can edit around the bad jokes.

Yeah.

That's true.

They probably did like an hour and they only killed it.

They probably did an hour and they made it 22 minutes.

What's his name anyway?

But it was British.

Remember, there was like a British one?

Yeah.

And then it was Drew Carey?

Yeah.

And then it was Greg Proups.

Fucking J.P.

McDade told me Greg Prouves says a joke on one of his albums or some special from like 10 years ago where the punchline is he goes, Logic Train, voo, and like pretends like a train is passing over somebody.

That's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my dreams.

Greg Proup's whole like brand is that he's very smart.

Yeah, that he reads a newspaper occasionally.

He's a very smart man.

Yeah.

Yeah, is he funny?

No, of course not.

I don't think I've ever heard his.

No one who makes that facial expression has ever been funny in their entire lives.

Anybody that like tints their fucking eyebrows and then raises one of them.

and like does that sort of like boyo-yoing with your head

come on, yeah,

2003.

Damn, that was already 22 years ago.

What the fuck?

You can give him a pass for that.

No,

you can pass on to my camera.

Speaking French, yeah.

Oh, that sucks.

relationship America's having with Iraq right now.

Oh god.

Yeah, there was some

misunderstood about the whole conflict from the very beginning.

What is it great?

What's his name?

How

did our oil

get underneath their sand?

You've done it again.

It's our oil.

We have a lot of money.

I'm so mad he didn't get me too.

By like a six-year-old.

I always thought his voice was more like stoner.

I thought he had more of like a Callie Stoner affect.

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, I think he's just like a.

When I was a kid, I used to think Norm was a stoner.

Because he...

Yeah, I used to think he was a drunk, and he's never drank, apparently.

Well, he's been sober for like 22 years or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He used to smoke mad sigs, apparently.

Swisi Gorillos.

Swisher Sweets.

You ever smoked those?

Oh, hell yeah.

No, we used to smoke black at Miles in high school.

Oh, there's a Mark Norman video on here recommended for you

mark norman it's south by southwest i like sex with mac man yeah you ever uh you ever like gay sex did we

did we do we definitely we've done we've tried cruising joe on nine different audiences and no one likes it no they do that's not true i think people like cruising joe oh cruising joe might have gotten might have gotten uh deleted from that one episode i think cruising joe got deleted from the last episode no because it was right at the beginning i think was it?

Who cares?

Yeah, it's.

I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, it's...

You go to the bathroom?

I love going to the bathroom.

I love having such a bad thing.

I go to a lot of these hotels lately, and they have a handicap stall in there, as I like to call it, the master bedroom.

It's great.

You ever go in this?

There's so much room.

Really?

Just stretch out.

Feel like the king of France.

Like Dominic Strauss-Connolly.

Dominic Strauss Connolly never works on anyone but us.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it's such a stupid reference.

Yeah, those handicap stars really make it feel like that Dominic Strauss-Kahn thing.

In there, you can do whatever you want.

A woman from Sierra Leone comes in, tries to clean it up, you rape her.

Jesus Christ.

DSK, dude.

Yeah.

Oh, Cruising Joe's also into women?

No.

No.

He's just into the Dominic Strauss-Kahn references.

I would like to do Greg Proops, but all he can do is Dominic Strauss-Kahn references.

Yeah, it's good to be here in Montreal.

I have a question for you.

You think,

is it possible that the woman who Dominic Strauss-Kahn quote unquote raped is

lying?

Just a tad, maybe?

That's right, Greg Proves,

who really cares about Dominic Strauss-Kahn.

Salute to Greggie Proud.

Damn, he looks old in every video.

Yeah,

I feel like he's been old since we were children.

Yeah, he's got to be like 82 years old.

78 years old.

Burt Reynolds age.

Hey, it's me, Bert Reynolds.

R.I.P.

Squirrel.

Squirting Bert.

Hey, it's me, Bert.

You know what I really feel bad for is

that Dominic Struss contest.

No, that's not very good.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I have to spend a lot more time with that.

Yeah,

RIP to the legend.

That's true.

My man probably stuffed some

premiere vintage hole.

Yeah.

Back in the day.

He beat some women, too.

Other countries.

That sucks.

I didn't know that.

I think he beat Lonnie Anderson.

How did our oil end up underneath their land?

Fucking.

I hate that motherfucker.

Yeah, he's ancient.

How old is he?

He's 73 years old.

No, he's not.

Yeah, but your dick is.

Did you know Doug Benson?

Doug Benson is 78 years old?

Yeah.

Doug Benson is really old.

Fuck, man.

I gotta take it.

I feel like I'm getting actually sick.

Oh,

he was also Bob the Builder.

What?

Yeah.

Greg Proops?

Yeah, Greg Proops.

The voice?

Dude, he's been doing comedy since 1982.

What?

Jesus Christ.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah.

Wow.

What?

That's insane.

That's such a weird time.

That's so crazy.

No, that was a boom, dude.

Now, who's in that cohort?

What are we talking about?

Starting in 82.

82 is like Bill Hicks, Dice,

Barry Sobel, Legends.

Barry Sobel.

No, I mean, that's like the Tim Allen fucking, you know, that's like those are Howie Mandel.

Damn.

Yeah.

The only people that predate that really are probably like Seinfeld, Letterman, Leno.

Right.

Seinfeld's kind of in between those two things, probably.

Robert Klein?

No, Seinfeld started in like the mid to late 70s.

When was Robert Klein?

Same thing.

In the 20s?

No, he was.

Robert Klein's so fucking goddamn old.

He is old as fuck.

He's alive.

What's funny is how long those, like, the legendary black comedians were doing comedy.

Like, Red Fox and Dick Gregory and

that one that was like...

Pig meat?

Yeah, that, like, gay-looking one.

Oh, um,

fuck.

Flip Wilson?

No, not Flip Wilson.

He had.

Who looked gay?

Nah, he has.

Adam Friedland?

Yeah, Adam Friedland.

Nah, it was a guy.

I can't remember his name.

Penis?

Joe?

Carmichael something.

Gerard.

What?

Oh, nice.

Just entitling up for you, because you said you're feeling bad.

I am.

It's the kind of stuff I do for most.

Thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

What's his name?

What's his name?

Stavoros.

Oh, God.

I'm going to hear a lot of that.

Oh, that's six months.

That's six months.

Me like it gay sex.

Well, look, while Nick looks up for this guy, I want to let you guys know that this weekend you can see me in Lafayette, Louisiana on the 14th Friday, and then I'll be in New Orleans, Louisiana on the 15th.

I'm looking to eat some damn po-boys.

Hey, it's me, Bert Reynolds.

My Bert Br-Bert Brandon's here.

I'm dead.

Norm used to do him on Celebrity Jeopardy.

Yeah.

I don't know if I can do him.

He's He's hard.

Like my dick?

There I am.

It's me, Bert Reynolds.

No, it's not.

It's me, Bert.

That sucks.

That sounds like Paulie.

He's me, Bert.

Boy, you ain't don't stop.

But his voice is deeper.

It's me to Winnabs.

If you're in Chicago, the 21st of the 20th.

Mark Wahlberg and Ellen DeGeneres hilariously create commercial for his new car dealership.

At the Lincoln Lodge.

Welcome to Wahlberg Chevrolet.

I'm here with a dyke.

I'm here with a real-life lesbian.

Folks, I know this is against God in the church, but you got to treat everyone as equals, unless they're Vietnamese.

Ah, Mark.

Fuck, dude.

I have this fucking spot tonight.

I got a new movie coming out, Mile 22.

We saw 8 Mile and we said,

let's go three times that at least.

Someone's informing me that it's less than three times that.

Guess who has to go back to the gym?

Because the brain is a muscle.

Do you guys ever play Game 24?

What's that?

That shit we had to make all the numbers equal 24 somehow.

You got four numbers?

Game 24.

Ooh, I like that.

So let's do it right now.

6.

12.

18.

No.

No, that's not 24.

That's my turn.

So now it's your turn.

Now it's your turn.

Now you say enough numbers.

You have to say two numbers, and they have to be 24.

No, that's not.

6 and 12 is not 24.

I know, but that was my turn.

Now I add to that.

Or you could divide or multiply.

No,

you have to say two numbers, and they have to make 24.

No, yours didn't make 24.

I know, that was my turn.

What do you mean that was your turn?

I went and it didn't make me.

No, there's four numbers.

Okay, he tried.

Now you go.

Now you try.

All right, two and twelve.

No.

Two and twelve is 14.

That's good.

No, you multiply, and it's 24.

No, it's the end of your turn.

No, you said two and, which means plus.

No, there you go.

Me.

12 and 12.

The number of guys is five.

What are their names?

Come on.

Come on.

That's how you play 24, guys.

You trap Adam.

Come on.

Yep.

You walk.

Now, let me ask you this.

You can take it back if you just put this B in your dick.

Well, we did it again, boys.

You put a B inside of your dick.

The sting.

The sting.

My penis.

Two men.

Three hours, 17 weeks to trick a man into putting a bee in his dick.

What the fuck is this?

This came up when I googled 24 the game.

Oh, nice.

There's a PlayStation 2 game about the show 24.

That makes sense.

Imagine what kind of weird Republican child you'd have to be to play the 24 game for PlayStation 2.

I don't know.

I fucked with that first

season of 24.

That shit was pretty tight.

I remember.

It was very like Bush.

Alberto Gonzalez is right for wanting to torture the A-Raps.

I'm Jack Bower and I'm gay.

He's got a real breathy voice.

I wish I could do him too.

Yeah.

Smoke Kiefer.

Listen, I'm gay.

Shout out to Donald, his dad.

You can see his ass in

Animal House.

Yeah.

He grabs cereal or something.

Or maybe that's the girl's ass.

Shout out to the

Google Donald Sutherland's ass.

Oh, God.

We're really not even trying.

Hey, I'm trying.

This is a good app.

Yeah, do a Google.

Did you mean Donald Sutherland's ass?

Yes.

Yes, you did.

No, here we go.

Data Lounge, baby.

Donald Sutherland sounds like a real asshole.

Go to Donald Sutherland.

Marketing as an actor, but what a jerk.

Let's see the responses.

Kiefer should be great for the Greer, but Buck

Donaldson is a real Beth.

What a piece of shit.

Wow, what a joke.

Why aren't these gay guys saying they want to fuck him?

I don't know.

All right, let me plug these fucking dates.

Does he have a Mr.

Skin profile?

Yeah, he does.

Is it only chicks on Mr.

Skin?

Nah, there's good hogs on there.

There's guys.

There's premium hog on there.

Oh, here we go.

A tweet from my estranged friend, Jeb Lund.

Donald Sutherland's butt has had a pretty solid film career.

Animal House, Don't Look Now.

Just some really A-list ass work.

Nice.

That's a stranged friend.

I haven't talked to Jeb in a while.

Well, you're not on Twitter.

That's true.

Who's Jeb?

I don't know.

Another person that probably doesn't want to be associated with me anymore.

He's a Twitter guy.

Donald Sutherland talks about revealing his bare bottom in his latest film.

Nice.

He's still doing that shit?

Or is that an article from like 1982?

If you're in Chicago on the 21st and the 22nd, I will be there at the Lincoln Lodge.

If you are in Detroit, I'm there Sunday the 23rd.

Please buy tickets that.

And if you're in Denver, we're doing this a little ahead of time, So I think I will be doing a show in Denver September 30th, Sunday.

Go to stavi.biz for all info.

By the time you are hearing this, it'll be on, if it's happening, I'll have it on my website, and I'll probably have plugged it on Instagram and stuff.

So,

yeah.

New Orleans this weekend, the 14th, 14th the 15th, Lafayette on the 14th, New Orleans on the 15th, Chicago 21st to 22nd, and then I'm in motherfucking Denver, oh, and Detroit on the 23rd, then Denver on the 30th.

So come out if your nuts are really fat and nice and juicy.

And if they're not, keep your little shriveled up nuts at home.

We also have a funny mom's on the 24th, and we'll be in Australia, Sydney, the 23rd of October,

Melbourne, the 26th.

If you Google Donald Sutherland's ass, you just get a picture, a bunch of pictures of Kiefer Sutherland.

That's hilarious.

I know.

Take that.

Take that Kweefer.

You guys like what I said, how I said his name.

Yeah, you rested him.

Look at this cool headshot.

It's him hiding from being gay.

Don't look at me.

Nobody look at me.

I'm not gay.

Yeah, we're good.

Are we good?

Yeah, we've done over an hour.

Yeah, we've done too much podcasting today.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so it's been fun.

Guys,

what else?

You say Funny Mom's on the 24th?

Not at all, baby.

Connor O'Malley is going to be there.

A couple other people.

All right.

Who else is going to be there, Adam?

Me?

What's his name?

What's his name?

Oh.

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