Ep. 119 – Brendan Gayer

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Recording.

On or off, we're going.

We just had a really good riff that we missed because Adam was doing the levels and he didn't press record, everyone.

No one told me to press record.

You don't have the killer instinct to do levels, man.

Yeah.

Unlike me.

So here we are, everyone.

This is the Wednesday episode.

Okay.

Wednesday ep.

We got Nick hasn't spoken yet, but he is here.

We have a special guest.

He's looking at his phone.

I ought to see the timer.

And we have our good buddy Brennan Ayer.

Yeah, man.

I always worry about saying your last name.

Everyone worries about it.

You know what the problem is?

It's tricky, man.

One syllable.

That's hard.

I want to say irie.

That's the problem.

Iri.

Here's the thing, man.

People used to get it because they used to make people read

Jane Eyre in school.

The decline of

Western civilization.

Well, see, one other person has asked me that in history.

And that person was also an idiot.

Glad to see it.

It's a fictional character.

So, no.

I agree.

We are not related.

Do you have any relation to Jane's addiction?

That is my aunt.

Yeah.

What about Airbud?

Airbud.

Airbud is my Twitter handle, which I thought was so clever.

No one can spell my fucking name.

So it doesn't matter.

There's no, they're like, good puns.

Dude, you know what's funny?

We'll never follow.

I'm going to go to the Air and Space Museum for the please.

I do.

I have a lifetime membership.

Just anything involving

Air Jordan.

You don't have to care.

Dude, you know what's so funny about your Twitter handle?

I swear to God, like, I know how to say your name, and I read your Twitter handle.

I rebud.

That's the thing.

I was so proud when when I thought of it.

Like, listen to this, and I don't even like puns.

Like, if I hear a comedian do a pun, I'm like, what a piece of shit.

But it was the only pun I ever thought of.

So I'm like, this is great.

Nobody's ever got it.

Not one person has ever been like, hey, bud, that's pretty good.

You had to literally explain to me right now.

I got it immediately.

Yeah.

And hey, stop showing off, dude.

You're good at Nick.

We get it.

You love wordplay, dude.

No, I don't even love words.

It's just blue-collar.

No, you're an idiot.

You don't know how to read it.

You don't know how to read.

Well, I will say, I never have listened to Come Town.

I love all you guys, but I've never listened because I don't really listen to comedy podcasts

because we do it, and it's like, I don't care.

I listened to the last episode on the way over here, and I was sitting in my car like, Stav, what the fuck, man?

You don't know what a Mobius dick is?

I'm so mad.

I had no idea what it was.

It's not that complicated.

I still don't know.

The formula for the show is he doesn't know anything.

Yeah.

We don't really know anything either.

Hold on.

Is it kind of like an eight, but 3D?

I've been thinking about it more.

8, but 3D.

Right?

Do you know what I mean?

This is what it is.

And Nick was, I heard Nick

making it out of, I heard him making it out of cardboard on the episode.

It's a strip.

It's a circular strip, but there's a twist in it.

An eight but 3D.

That's what I mean.

I guess that's right.

Yeah, I guess that's right.

Yeah, a Mobio strip is like an S with three lines and three lines.

Super S.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

I love it.

A 3D S or a 3D 8.

All right, so now that we got that under our belts, we can move on with the next topic of conversation,

which is,

did you guys see Bill Clinton checking out Ariana Grande at Aretha Franklin's funeral?

That's what I have to bring to the table.

No.

He was horny for her.

No,

didn't see it.

Brendan?

I don't know.

I'm horny for everything, man.

I saw in the coffee shop where I write,

I didn't, I'm only saying this because I don't know anything about Ariana.

Let's jump into just being horny in general, man.

Yeah, man.

Fucking, so this

little gay guy comes in.

Can I just ask you real quick?

So you say you write in a coffee shop.

Yeah.

Assuming you mean stand-up.

Yes.

Do you ever worry that people think you're writing poetry?

Yeah.

Well,

here's the thing.

I write, because I'm in Park Slope now.

I write and there's a woman there writing poetry.

Oh, shit.

And she will give me these looks like we're on the same level.

We're both pieces of shit.

Yeah.

We both suck in the same way.

And I'm like, we're lady, we're not on the same level.

I don't know what you're doing, you know, and it's a little embarrassing.

But I can't write at home because if I'm at home,

I'll just like do stuff.

Yeah, of course.

I can't do the coffee shop, especially like, because then you just stare at girls.

Well, that's what I do.

Or little gay girls.

But in between,

in between, I'll write.

Well, but here's the thing, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this little gay guy comes in.

Well, Nick, you got to coffee shop?

Why are you trying to go after me?

Because I said you couldn't read?

No.

You saved that shit for him.

Don't ever fucking come out and read that gay guy bullshit.

Yeah, Nick can dish it, but he can't take it.

No, it's because it's not true.

First of all, don't even try with

Nick's

on edge.

Nick's on.

I can 100% take it.

Adam's whole career is taking it.

I can take a punch.

You love it.

That's why I'm on the show.

I grew up

my entire life just people insulting me.

And probably I deserved it most of the time.

I'm sorry, Dev, you lost some mass.

Is that why you're calling you little?

No, he's doing two a day.

No, no, no.

I just don't understand where you're coming at me.

Are you doing so upset?

Yeah, I wasn't doing it.

Lifting or what?

Yeah, party.

Well, only because my schedule was fucked up.

Normally I just do like five days.

Yeah.

You look good.

Oh, thanks, man.

You look good.

I had food poisoning this week, so lost.

That's a good way to get slimmed down.

I threw up about nine pounds of water weight at jiu-jitsu yesterday.

Yeah.

I need it.

I need it.

I really balked up.

Jiu-Jitsu?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a white belt, so don't.

Hell yeah.

Oh, so you're just starting to...

No, no, I've been a white belt for two and a a half years.

You fight kids like Kramer style?

No, no, I fight.

I mainly fight my friend Augie Lutz.

Also a white belt.

Also a white belt.

Yeah.

We both feel like we're on the verge of blue, but hard to say.

We train with

our trainer is the same guy that trained Lewis to fight Ryan O'Neal.

Oh, nice.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, Diego.

He's a comedian.

He's a good fighter.

Damn, where is that in Williamsburg MMA?

It's in Greenpoint, but it's called Williamsburg MMA.

It's fun, man.

I really like it.

I want to do MMA, dude.

Yeah, dude, go to Diego.

He's great.

He's great.

I think you should avoid physical activity.

Well, yeah, not for a couple years.

Yeah.

2022.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a

strong comeback trail.

A couple years.

A couple years.

I'll probably be ready

in four or five years.

You might be post-activity at this point.

Maybe, dude, honestly.

I'm going to get those little belts that they had, like they

told women in the 30s, if you just have those little belts on your love handles that go, like, yeah, oh, the shaky belt,

the buffer, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get that, dude.

Or just

get one for you and Aldous

Play Mario tennis.

We're working out.

I thought this cute girl was like kind of like eyeing me on the street, which I don't know why I would think that.

Yeah, but really, she was giving me a

laser fat loss brochure.

Damn, that's devastating.

You know what I mean?

I was like, oh, cool, man.

She's looking at it.

I like to imagine

laser fat loss is just they pay a guy to follow you around the city from like 50 feet away and he just points the laser

kits.

There's just always a dot on your kit.

And you're like, what the fuck?

And you're just constantly aware of you.

Gross, sweaty kit.

You're like, I should do something about this.

You reach for like a sandwich, it's just in your eyes like a cat.

That's good, dude.

So, tell us about this gay guy that looked like a little bit of a drink.

Oh, okay.

So, I'm in the cobby shop.

So, Nick's doppelgangers.

No, no, no, smaller than Nick.

Smaller than Nick.

And he's got these tight, like, little tight, flimsy shorts on.

His dick is like eight and a half inches long.

Whoa.

Huge.

He's like a little guy.

Little guy.

Huge dick.

I could not look.

Like, what the fuck, dude?

You know, like, I wanted to be like, nice dick.

Also, there's a laser pointer.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, I'm going.

The laser pointer guy's distracted.

He's like, what?

I guess I lost my tits.

He's like, oh, sorry, I was busy.

This guy's cocked.

And, like, I'm at the age, I guess, where, like, I'm not gay, but like, a huge dick like horns me up.

Where I'm like, because I'm like, that guy's fucking somebody with that dick.

And then I'm like, well, I'm thinking of fucking now.

Yes.

And so then he's standing there.

And then this beautiful woman, it's a very thin coffee shop.

She walks out of the bathroom, skirt accidentally tucked into her thong incredible and i'm just sitting there like this is a you want to match them you want to watch them fuck yeah yeah well i want everyone sexed up in here this is too much i got to go home and jerk off you got to pull your dick in jack off at the coffee shop that you should i i thought of a like a area like a zone in a city where you can just where you can just jack off but i think

jacking off but the problem would be it would just be dudes in there you know what i mean but it would be like i would train for men

yeah it would quickly just devolve into homos men having gay sex in there

yeah yeah just hobos fucking where it's like this isn't my dream this isn't what i had in mind

that's very funny oh fuck

you could be a poet i mean i don't don't think it's the wrong way but you'd be like a cool now you got a little gray going you got the beard you know what i mean salt and pepper yeah you'd be an author you kind of look like a like are you happy that

bald?

Well, here's the thing, man.

Let me stop right there.

Yes, you are.

No,

hold on.

I was.

I was.

But I was having lunch with my friend Andrew Collin, and we were talking about something, and I go, man, hey, man, at least we both got a full head of hair.

And he looks at me like,

like, he gives me this crazy look.

I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

I got a full head of hair.

And he was like, all right, if you say you got a full head of hair, I'm going to go, what the fuck are you talking about?

And he goes, bend over, and he takes a picture of the crown of my head.

I'm going bald, man.

No.

Yeah, I didn't know it.

I'm 36.

You're fine, dude.

Yeah.

Right?

I'm all right.

No, your hair is where your hair should be.

Yeah, it looks good.

No, it's not, Andrew.

Yeah,

by 36, everyone's going to have some kind of crown on it.

I mean, not everybody, but

the guys that keep all their hair look fucking weird.

Like, John Kasich has, like, little boy hair.

Yeah.

Yeah, something's weird.

Yeah, it looks weird.

You both have good hair, though.

You do.

You guys have great hair.

We're like just around 30.

Yeah.

I mean, my hair will probably stand out.

how are you just around 30 you probably stand up

37 years yeah yeah yeah

you were seven years old boy claudeville family

like i'll talk to guys on the road they're like oh nick mullen yeah i remember a show i did with him in 89.

yeah he was burnt out at road dog by like well i'm still i've been in the entertainment industry long enough that i know that you used to just lie about your age right so you just keep doing that forever i'm 47.

no reason anybody needs to know that

i've only this year started lying about my age and by accident yeah because i just like you get into your mid-30s you forget you you forget so like people ask me and i'm like i'm 34.

yeah and it's like i'm 36 but it's like what

yeah time just goes faster and faster yeah i just think i'm 27 i'm 29.

yeah no reason i talked i said i talked to my dad on the phone and He said the most like depressing shit because he's like 70-ish now.

And he's like,

he's like, you know it's weird i think back on my life and it's like you know like four or five time like moments or something and then it's like whoop that's oh i guess i'm just gonna die

he's like you know 10 15 20 years just long

you know like so

five moments

and most of them are like yeah most of them are like not getting pussy like missing out on fucking

getting into a disputed aims over having a receipt and trying to do a return and then having the police called on him

and then being able to prove that he only had three beers, so he's allowed to go.

He's allowed to go.

That's so funny, but it's true, man, because if I look back on my life, like, okay, encapsulate my life, it's like, I don't know, I had

one breakup that was important.

I went to school once.

There's not a lot there, man.

There's not a lot.

Especially when we do comedy, it's like, oh, most of my life is at shitty bars and horrible shows.

Right.

That's what most of my life has been spent doing.

Yeah.

And then getting high.

And then, like, just wasting days.

Yeah.

Which is actually pretty fun, honestly.

It's a good life.

Yeah, it's not bad.

It's a good life.

I'm sad that, like, now I'm starting to realize, like, now I've realized I am going to die.

So I'm like, oh, I guess I should.

do something.

Like now, I can't do it with the freedom that I used to just like.

Now, when you say you realize you're going to die, do you mean like an existential sort of way, or do you mean that your death is imminent because of your physical?

Medically, it feels.

yeah my body's sending me signals and it's like look

get your affairs in order you don't mean you're gonna die someday you mean that in the next six seven months I don't know not six seven but eight years you know I feel like I got a good decade in me you know what I mean

no this is ridiculous

no it's funny because it's like I I used to live with Chris Cubis and I was 20 and he was 30 so he was like your age okay and he was like always about all this like I got 10 years left bullshit and like laughing it up we'd be drinking together until like you know five o'clock in the morning and then when it became like i got five years left he's like oh shit yeah yeah he's like that takes care of himself now i mean he got like a girlfriend that doesn't let him like do that shit anymore i'm assuming he had like a stomach parasite though oh yeah he had like ulcers he like lost a hundred pounds yeah yeah he does because i remember that yeah he had one of those yeah the bunch of those he had like ulcers because i remember he had to start eating bugs

he had to eat like like chicken livers and rice or whatever because of his old he had to be on some ulcer diet i remember he lost a bunch of weight and everyone's like chris you look good and it's like you know he's not doing anything.

He's dying.

He's on a good tapeworm.

Bro, I would pay good money for a tapeworm.

You can get a tapeworm.

Just go to, you eat Indian girls' diarrhea.

Yeah.

No, I'm serious.

This is a thing.

In India, they get like harvest female worms from Indian girls.

Really?

I think.

I don't know.

I was friends with this

Indian girl in college who like freshman year wore like a hijab and then she like took it off, let her freak flag fly, started doing like molly and rape

Yeah, and we had like a dinner party one night and it was like oh, this is our first like adult dinner party We were all like 19 or whatever

you were a sweater.

Yeah, yeah, you're pretending

Somebody made risotto

Like robain lettuce like lazily cut up with like Italian dressing on it

And then she like in the middle of the dinner party went to the bathroom and my friend Dennis went in after her she and she went for like 15 20 minutes My friend Dennis went in after her, and he just walked out immediately, and his eyes are watering.

He's like, dude, I can't explain what's going on in there right now.

And then I was like, oh, it can't be that bad.

I was like, I need a piss.

It can't be that bad.

And I went in and I was like, Jesus Christ, this is like, this is the Holocaust in a smell.

It was like the worst thing I've ever loved.

And literally, I feel like.

Which the Holocaust probably smelled pretty fucking bad.

It had to have.

And I feel really bad about this in retrospect, but you were like, I took a bigger shit.

You just went out in brown face and you were wearing her shit on your face.

Guess who I am?

She took a dump so bad that everyone stopped hanging out with her.

Everyone like cut her out of our lives.

It was like, it was actually, it was the worst smell I've ever smelled in my child.

I feel like so bad, but like no one wanted to hang with her anymore.

She shit her way out of a friend group.

It's one of those like smells that's like a returning smell.

Like you get it for like a year.

It's like somewhere like the particles are in your nostrils.

It was like, it was do you have any kind of can you know?

Are we talking rotten eggs?

Are we talking like it was like the smell was three-dimensional.

It was like it would enter your body and like, yeah, everyone's eyes started like watering and crying.

It would enter your eyes.

It would enter like any every single like, it felt like it was like enveloping you and like choking you.

It was so fast.

I also like it.

It smelled like a

Vietnam veterans cast

that

he got in Vietnam and it's 2018.

Like a Civil War medical tent.

Yeah, like an AJF.

Just a guy taking it.

Here's what I like.

I liked the preamble to the story because I thought it was going to have more to do with the story when you were like, she had a hijab, but then she lost it.

She got crazy.

She was going to rapes.

And I'm like, oh, this is going to be great.

This is cool.

Maybe that's like where the hijab came from in that culture.

Women were just taking these awful shits.

And they're like, we got to do something about this.

I feel really good.

They go into the bathroom an hour and 45-minute long process to discourage them from doing so.

Do you think I've been thinking about this because I like to read like historical novels kind of.

Did everyone's pussy smell terrible

until like

still everybody's everything smells?

Yeah, everything's everything smell smelling.

And everyone was uncircumcised.

You know how gnarly those force was.

Just everything was probably worth it.

No, bro.

You took a bath every three years.

Yeah, man.

Like, it was like, yeah, a bath was a luxury.

There was no toilet paper.

Jesus.

Yeah, people used their hands and leads.

And I'm pretty sure in Europe, people just straight up perfumed and shit.

Like, they didn't even take baths.

Hell yeah.

Homer Simpson style.

The Egyptians had perfume, too.

Nice.

How did an old-timey prostitute, like say you're in the any old-time really?

A frontier bitch.

Say you're you're in the frontier.

No, no, no, you're in a saloon.

Yeah, how were they not getting pregnant all the time?

Yeah, I don't get pregnant.

They probably had ways to like do abortions, yeah, they had, but you can't just rely on like an abortion every week, you know what I mean?

Yeah, you could die.

If you're doing, like, if you're fucking like, I don't know, 40 dudes a week, yeah, like you're gonna get pregnant almost every week.

It's funny, I remember on, it was like guns, germs, and steel, they were like, and now for the germs episode, frontier pussy,

like with different types of, you know, like

Street Walker versus like the Madam, you know, and the whole spectrum of different...

Yeah, they had like prophylactics or whatever.

Oh, really?

Yeah,

she's flattering.

Sheep flatters.

They had weird condoms and shit.

But also Jimmy has.

Also, I feel like, I mean,

the life expectancy probably wasn't great of a fucking Old West whore.

You know what I mean?

They probably got diseases and shit.

And worst case scenario, it's just like, all right, well, you're not going to be a whore anymore.

We're going to find a new one or something.

Or maybe your price just drops down.

Well, that was like, what was that movie, Unforgiven, where

the whore got her face cut up and she had to

become the girl who swept the hallway.

And it was like, she's still fucking hotter.

Yeah.

She just got cuts on her face.

Like, you could charge extra for that.

For sure.

Yeah.

It's an experience.

An immersive experience.

We'll give you a knife.

We'll put blood.

Fake blood on her.

And you can pretend you cut her up and then you get to fuck her.

I want to fuck the Joker.

I want to fuck the Joker girl.

Let me fuck the Nurse Joker.

Oh, yeah.

Harvey Dent.

There's a really funny GIF I saw online of Harvey Dent in the hospital bed when like half his face is burned off and Nurse Joker walks in and he's like wearing the mask.

He takes the mask off and Harvey Dent's like, holy shit, it's the Joker.

But he couldn't tell like before he took it.

It's so clear that it's the Joker.

Yeah, he couldn't tell like until he took the mask off.

It's very funny.

Yeah, it's some shit they just didn't think of when they wrote the thing.

It's like he'd know it was the Joker.

Obviously, it's the fucking Joker.

His green hair is like clearly the Joker.

Yeah, like they see Too-Faced and they're like, is that Too-Face?

Or like, hold on.

One.

Two.

I think it is.

I think that's Kamish.

I think we got Too-Face here.

I don't know if the mask really adds up here.

So funny.

God damn.

Oh, damn.

You write.

I feel like I haven't been writing at all, dude.

I've just been in my home.

Betting on things, maybe?

Yeah, I've been betting so much.

My gambling problem's gotten really bad.

You gamble?

Are you a gambler?

I'm a big gambler.

And what's great is that there's a really good, reliable site that you can gamble on.

Do they have like half an half?

They do have an app, actually.

Wait, what's the name of the website?

Bet DSI.com.

It's probably important that you say that part.

Yeah, I gamble almost

completely

on betdsi.com.

No, No, I don't know the read.

Nick has to do it.

Even better.

Keep doing

that.

Gamble on stav knowing.

Come on, stop.

How parts of the copy is supposed to be.

Let's do the staff, bet DSI read.

100%.

And, Brent, here's the thing, man.

What's great about it is that they have an easy-to-use mobile app.

You know, most sites don't have that kind of shit, but I'm always on my phone gambling.

You know what I mean?

I'm out there getting Wild West pussy.

I'm not near laptops, so it's just a gamble.

And I gamble on whether I get some kind of weird gonorrhea gonorrhea or not.

They pay out winners.

I'll tell you that much, pal.

That's what I look for in the gambling.

The basic tenets of gambling.

They have, whoo, like I said, live in-game wagering.

So, you know.

You didn't say that.

I didn't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So sometimes you make a bet and you're losing at halftime.

And you're like, let me hedge

me and get it on the back end.

Yeah.

So I like to do that quite a nice amount.

And,

you know, there's maybe, you got, Nick, do you ever use BetDSI.com?

No, I don't.

I find gambling to be immoral.

If you're going to do it, if you're going to, you know, break God's laws, I would recommend doing it at BetDSI.com.

That's right, yes, yes.

So last week's.

In fact,

most of the people who,

if you use BetDSI.com, I guarantee you the Catholic Church will grant you a

yeah, I don't know.

Where are they going?

Where they get the city?

No, where you buy the

indulgence.

You'll get an indulgence.

Only website where indulgences are guaranteed by the Catholic Church.

That's right.

I will say this, and I don't want to interrupt your read, but there's no read.

We're just talking about sites known as this.

I've never met a man betting on football who wasn't an Irish cat.

Literally.

Never.

Not a single one.

You didn't know enough degenerate Greek pieces of trash in my neighborhood.

Plenty of fucking Greek marriages have ended over people betting too much on the Ravens.

Dude, all my friends would just bet on their favorite teams.

You go bankrupt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, people in Cleveland bet on the Browns.

Yeah.

And it's like, guys,

they never have won.

They've never won one.

We're one in 31.

What are you doing?

It's like, well,

I got to bet the favorite.

Anyways, if you go to betsi.com and use promo code COM120, that's capital C lowercase UM120.

They'll match your deposit 120% bonus.

So put in $100, you get $220 to gamble with.

Check it out.

Nice.

Do you have any picks?

Well, how did that seat see positive?

He may have lost.

He may have lost immediately after I said to take him for the whole tournament.

But, you know, we're going to go

the good money, Serena.

Bet on Serena, baby.

She's back.

They don't let

she's got a tutu.

She's not allowed to wear clothes anymore.

Yeah, she's going to have titties out, whole pussy army.

She has to wear a coconut bra and put a bone through her nose.

That's a new rule.

Grass skirt.

Grass skirt.

So that's who I'm betting on: is Serena Williams for the open.

And then coming up next week,

soon we're going to have real football picks.

So that'll actually be fun.

Yeah.

But yes, Come 120, my favorite website, Bet DSI.

That's just me and you talking, Brendan, this week.

Yeah, that's not a rating.

You rated it in on a seat.

That's just two heavy gamblers talking it out.

The first year I became a full-time stand-up, I had no idea, which

I clearly should have had an idea, but I had no idea that nobody was taking taxes on that.

Oh, that sucks.

So, no idea whatsoever.

And that's on me.

You got totally.

You got to be on top of that.

Of course.

But you should assume.

So tax time came.

I owed $8,000.

I wasn't making that much.

So I owed $8,000, which isn't crazy.

Yeah, until you learn how to do a Schedule C and knock all that fucking money down.

Yeah.

It's so daunting.

It really is.

This idea that you can fuck up, make $20,000 to barely live off of.

Right.

And then the federal government's like,

$30,000.

We need $7,000 of that.

And then the state needs an additional three.

So I owed $8,000.

And

I went, I was home home in Cleveland at the time.

I took 200 bucks.

I went to the horseshoe casino.

Oh, yes.

And I was like, this is my only chance, man.

It's the only way.

And I won fucking $6,700

playing blackjack.

My man got a system.

And you owe taxes on all those gambling winners.

Yeah, no, no, no, no.

I think because if it's not

up to $10,000, they don't report it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, if you withdraw money from a casino, they have to report above $10,000.

So, yeah, I do technically

pay taxes on it.

And you paid those.

Do you remember when you paid that?

Yeah, I did.

I paid those.

Yeah,

because I do know a lot of IRS guys

come town.

Actually, a couple.

That's insane.

So I would be surprised if the FBI hasn't listed at least an episode of the show.

Someone at the FBI.

I suspect them of having sort of, and I'm always over the top with what I think their capabilities are.

I've personally been under investigation, and so is Jake Flores.

Yeah, and it was like around the time Jake was on the show, so I would not be surprised.

I suspect them of having like auto-listeners on almost every podcast that comes out, like searching for keywords and shit.

That's what I would expect.

I could be wrong, but yeah,

get our numbers up.

You already said hijab.

I read a great article recently about, and I totally believed it, and I'm not a conspiracy guy,

a rigged witch hunt.

But it was about about how

Osama bin Laden was

a prisoner in Pakistan under house arrest.

Oh, yeah.

And

it explained a lot where they were like, yeah,

why was he just in this house in Pakistan?

It doesn't make sense.

Pakistan doesn't give a shit.

Yeah, the idea was Pakistan was holding on to him

to

use him as a bargaining chip with the U.S., waiting for the time to be right.

That's why when we went in, there was no guards, there was no no guns,

there was no opposition.

It was just him in a fucking room.

Wait, so the United States is in collusion with Pakistan?

No, so what happened was Pakistan was holding him.

They're holding him, yeah.

Why does that mean there's no like guns?

But then a guy,

because he was under arrest.

But there were guns.

There weren't.

No.

No, I mean he had a gun.

No, that was all that

in this article, at least, that was all a lie.

You're saying article, do you mean just blog that you read?

No, it was just a lot of people.

I love the way the conspiracy theories work is like, look, this all fits the facts, except for a couple of we're going to call lies.

Well, no, a couple of details are going to change, but then it works.

But I'm not a big conspiracy theory guy.

This was by a,

I forget the guy's name.

He broke the Mylai.

Jesse Venturi.

He broke the My Lai massacre story in Vietnam.

So he's

credible, but also a little shaky.

Like he's fucked up a few times.

So it's hard to say.

Like he's done some pretty credible stories, but also has lied sometimes.

So it's hard to say.

So

what this story is saying is there were no guns.

There was no

opposition.

The plan was to kill him, take him to a mountainous region in between Pakistan and Afghanistan, and say we killed him there.

But then one of the helicopters crashed and changed everything.

Oh, shit.

So it became an issue of that life.

That whole operation was so funny.

Like, they waited with like 10 helicopters and crashed once.

And then they dumped them in the ocean.

Yeah, they landed like so far away from the compound.

It was like a complete mess of operation.

No, it was a mess of an operation.

It was a mess.

Well, wasn't Abbottabad also that was like a military, there were like military barracks.

They're close.

Well, it's their down the west point, basically.

Right.

Yeah.

He's in the same town.

That's part of the theory as to why they had him under house arrest.

I sort of

plausible to me.

Pakistan definitely

was

talking about.

They know Sama.

Like they know

Pakistan's position was to back the Taliban like leading up to 9-11 and the United States just followed in lockstep because like we're like allied with Pakistan or whatever.

But

I mean I have no fucking idea.

Like what I think I know is that Pakistan needs Afghanistan to always like whoever's in charge in Afghanistan needs to either be in control by Pakistan or subject to their will to a certain extent because they can't be flanked by somebody who is allied with India.

Yeah, exactly.

So,

like, Pakistan just blindly propped up the Taliban, and the Taliban was like harboring and helping train al-Qaeda, like, leading up to 9-11.

And then after that, like, you know, the United States is like, oh, well, we have this war on Al-Qaeda, and by extension, the Taliban of Pakistan would be like, oh,

yeah, sure, we'll help you.

Because on top of that, we were dumping a ton of money into Pakistan.

So they needed to be like.

Yes.

There was plenty of private military contracts and shit that that necessitated like a foreign policy that was appeasing whatever Pakistan wanted to do.

But there was like, was it the Battle of Toribor or whatever, there was something where in the first couple of months in the war in Afghanistan, like they only sent in like special forces basically, and they like surgically removed most of like al-Qaeda.

Well, they had Osama bin Laden at Toribor, but then he escaped.

And well, also, I think it was at Toribor, like Pakistan, they like negotiated to have a couple of like Pakistani agents that were working with the Taliban removed from

Toribora prior to whatever invasion.

And then Pakistan just sent in and took out thousands of fighters.

Yeah, thousands of people they brought back.

The other thing that

you don't hear about as much because it's considered a failure because Osama bin Laden escaped,

I'm pretty sure, I could be wrong, but I'm I think

recklessly, brother.

I think that the Battle of Tora Bora essentially crippled Al-Qaeda.

Like, we killed,

a lot of fighters died.

Like, a lot, like, pretty much everyone who was in that compound except

Osama bin Laden kind of got got, I'm pretty sure.

How did he escape?

Um, also, wasn't he just like it was like a comfortable-ass little McMansion-type place, wasn't it?

He had like

where he was, yeah.

He had porn, he had like DVDs, I think he had duplicates my car.

They say that,

let's put it this way: it's it was as nice as Anders Brevik's prison, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Norwegian guy who had PlayStation.

Yeah,

they say that, but it was like nice for a house in Pakistan.

Like, if you see pictures of it, you'd be like,

I don't really want to live there.

You know, who really is the biggest victim in Osama getting got that weekend?

Was Seth Myers.

It was the fucking correspondence dinner that he was hosting.

And Obama was just sitting there.

They had already killed him.

Someone whispered to him.

They already knew, and he was just sitting there like hanging out at the correspondence dinner, knowing that tomorrow no one is going to give a shit about anything.

He should have pulled his dick out at the correspondence dinner.

It would have gotten buried by

any die.

Yeah.

So poor Seth, dude.

I hope, hey, prayers up for Seth.

We hope you bounce back, man.

That guy, man.

I got to say.

Seth Myers, right?

I did his show.

Yeah.

Fucking really nice, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He went out of his way to be nice.

It's so funny if you were like, pretty sure he fucks kids.

Yeah.

I just got to say it.

Listen, I did the show.

I got to be honest.

I think I saw him fucking a kid

at the show.

Yeah, at the show.

At the show.

He was doing it at his desk, and everyone was watching him.

And he was going, just a second.

The entire auditorium was filled.

It was undoing.

I'll be out in a minute.

Like, we don't have anywhere to go.

You're right in front of us.

I'll be out of just

cleaning up.

We can see yourself.

You're on television.

You're alive

on TV.

I'll be out in a minute.

It's not that big of a desk.

We had a meeting for my podcast, The Rad Dude Cast.

We had a meeting.

Oh, yeah, listen to the Rad Dude Cast, everyone.

Some true hard dick warriors.

You, DeVito, and Stone, right?

We had a meeting talking about the podcast.

And Stone is just coming off a writing gig where he's in this super PC,

like fucking, you know, know

liberal like worried about every word

writing deal yeah and so he's like

so so so so he's sitting there and we're having this meeting he goes I don't know man we've just said some crazy stuff on the podcast like I don't want it to come back and wreck our career maybe we gotta like dial it back a little bit.

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

I just think maybe

like let's be careful.

We start recording within fucking 45 seconds.

He's talking how turned on he is by the Thai boys stuck in the cave.

Greg, we just had a fucking meeting.

And he goes, I got a boner so hard, it's pushing up on the bottom of my throat and breaking my teeth for these Thai boys.

He's the funniest dude in the world.

He's really funny.

He's insane.

It's a fucking insane part.

I was at some show at UCB, and I guess he was on the lineup, and he comes into the green room frantic or whatever.

He's like, Who's up next?

Is it Adam Savine?

And Anthony's like, No, it's not a name you've heard once in your life.

It's not even remotely close to anyone on the lineup, anyone who does comedy.

Who is

it's just this name you just materialized in your head?

Who's that?

Is it Adam Savine?

Remember Rune 5?

I don't know.

Adam Devine?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

It's tough to tell with Greg sometimes where he's getting things from.

No, it's impossible.

You run a podcast with him.

He's like, oh, we got a caller on the line.

And it's like, you don't have a phone up, man.

I don't know what you're talking about.

He's just trying to do a bit.

He's like looking you guys in the eyes like this thing you guys

But

when I was listening to the

Come Town on the way over here, I was like, this is perfect because you guys are talking about

McCain.

And we had

a bit, a character bit we didn't get to last Rad Dudecast that you guys fucking brought up.

And I was like, this is perfect because we were going to do John McCain in heaven, but he's real mad because all the Vietnamese guys that tortured him are also in heaven.

And then you guys brought that up, and I was like, this is fucking perfect.

He's like, what's fucking Charlie Wynn doing here?

That guy broke my arm 37 times.

Yeah, he's just fucking Marilyn Monroe.

This is everyone John McCain ever jacked off to as a kid.

Man, they really, a lot of people fucked Marilyn Monroe.

Like, it was pretty rude what like

a bunch of like Frank Sinatra and a bunch of guys did to them.

Damagia.

Yeah.

It was rude of them.

I think they rapeed

I think they raped her.

Did they rape her?

I mean, some guy told me that.

Arthur Miller,

the president?

Yeah.

I think so.

Some guy told you Joe DiMaggio raped Marilyn Raymond.

No, that it was.

It was.

Wait, hey, buddy, come here.

Let him in.

You got a minute.

I got to tell you something.

How old was this guy?

He was at Yankee Stadium in center field, middle of the game.

It was Sinatra and somebody else.

Sinatra raped Marilyn.

Just continue.

I want to hear you out on this.

I mean, that's all I got.

Okay.

You know.

I was just at the hotel where Kennedy used to fuck her, the Carlisle Hotel.

Really?

Did you ask for the

it is also the hotel where Woody Allen does his jazz performance once a week.

Were you there?

No, I wasn't there.

He was trying out for the band.

I can't play anything.

I was like Woody Allen and a bunch of guys.

I'm really into

the ethic, the ethos.

I really like what you guys are all about.

And that's jazz music, baby.

No, I saw, I asked, I was like, how could you go, how can you see it?

And they said,

see what?

No, how can you go see Woody Allen play jazz?

Oh, I thought you meant fucking John F.

V.

Maryland.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah.

They have like a collection of like

tunnels.

and like secret passages for powerful men to have sex with women.

Yeah.

Because he had an apartment at the Carlisle when he was president.

It was called the New York White House.

And he used to fuck her.

Like, after she sang.

Why were you at the Carlisle?

Because I was like having dinner on the Upper East Side, and we walked past it.

We walked in.

Because there's that, like, famous bar that, like, that guy illustrated on all cheers.

No, the Madeline, the cat.

Cheers.

Was Cheers the bar?

Cheers.

Was Norm there?

Was everybody knows your name?

Norm.

Ted Danson.

Coach.

Coach, yeah.

No, anyway, but

I was like, how can you see Woody Allen?

They're like, oh, yeah, it's like $200 a person.

So basically, like, if you hate Woody Allen,

it's expensive enough to prohibit anyone that hates Woody Allen to buy a ticket for the stars and be like, you suck, you pedophile, you know, so it's like, you have to be a Woody Allen.

That's crazy, man.

I feel like there's better

jazz musicians

to pay.

It's $200 to see Woody Allen play the clarinet.

Yeah, you're there to see

a guy in a bucket hat.

Jazz is only a thing you pretend to like.

Yeah, no one actually likes jazz.

Yeah.

The only good songs are like that one, like I think David Brew.

What the fuck is that guy's name?

Brube.

Brubeck's song.

David Brenner.

Take Five.

That's a great song.

It's the only good jazz song.

You like that track that slaps.

There's that other one I like that's, what's it called?

That Time I Fucked My Daughter.

Yeah.

The Woody Band original.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Breathing on her pussy through the panties.

Bam!

That friend, that friend we did the impression contest with, my friend Eric, one time when we were in college, and someone was watching like Manhattan or Annie Hall or something, and he just walks in the living room of the house we're living at, and he sees the TV and he's just like what the fuck are they talking about why are they talking so much i don't understand why these jews are talking so much he's like really upset about how much dialogue there was it was very funny

what are they talking about

they're kind of like uh

they're like plays yeah you know they're more of plays

talk yeah i don't quite it's like the show gilmore girls no one talks like that in real life yeah yeah i i never seen gilmore girls but eldest loves it It's so fast.

It's supposed to be a good show.

Doing dialogue, like just rapids.

Yeah, it's apparently.

It's a good show to wear underwear to.

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I watch Gilmore Girls.

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Are you tired of all these places?

You buy underwear, some guy puts it on, walks it over to your house, you have to wear his fucking nut sweat.

I hate that middleman bullshit.

My mailman is a weird guy.

My mailman puts on.

Every time I order underwear from anywhere but Mac Weldon, my mailman wears it.

My mailman does it to my girlfriend, but not me.

It's weird.

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oh yeah yeah i don't know what the fuck i don't know what the fuck microbes

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If you're anyone else, also buy Mac Weldon.

But here's the thing, like, real big dicks, man, and buy Mac Weldon.

Absolutely.

Thanks, Chris.

Thanks, bro.

Real big dicks, they don't gain that much in erection form, I've noticed.

Yeah, but they still sweat.

I heard they get

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Oh, sure, yeah, absolutely.

You're going to need the magic woman.

I want that anti-microbial.

Antimicrobial silver package.

Don't get me wrong.

That guy, I think that guy.

Let's not discourage our big dick friends from buying back one mother.

I certainly don't want it.

Look, big dicks, small dicks, any kind of dick, ladies' dick.

You know, you're a trans woman out there that's kept her girl penis.

That's right.

I did a riff on a show in Brooklyn last night that

wasn't funny, but went especially bad in Brooklyn, where I said I'm trying to get my dick sucked by a trans woman so that I can go back to calling them trannies.

And

it didn't hit.

No, but everyone was very mad.

Even if you do get your dick sucked by them, you still can't, like, there's people that try that, and they do that bit to the point where they actually go get their dick sucked by trannies, and they still get in trouble for sale.

That's the thing.

So, what I, it turned out to be, it was a real, and then I, lately, I've been into digging myself a big hole at the beginning of my set.

So then I said, fuck you, you all be sorry when I'm getting my dick sucked by a tranny.

And that didn't go over well either.

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Hey, man, I don't think this underwear is antimicrobial.

I don't know.

We're taking our bets on the bottom.

This is a German company.

We don't wear underwear.

We just shit directly into our pants.

Anyways, yeah, MacWeldon.com, check them out.

And we're back to digging ourselves into a hole.

But Tranny, it's one letter off.

I don't, two, if you'd kind of dumped it, but still, I don't quite

it's weird to me yeah I don't can't say it it does sound fun well it's only five letters off from the n-word you can't say that

that is true words basically

only four letters

if you use the n you save the n put it save the name

and you could do if you wanted to do sort of a a y instead of an i you could try that you know

see if that works for you wait there's that that that weird swedish store in times Square

that's already called that.

Is any?

No, it's like N-Y-G-A-R-D.

Oh, Nygaard?

Yeah.

I've spent many days waiting for an opportunity to take a picture of that sign.

It's Times Square.

There's always somebody watching you that knows exactly what you're doing.

Elmo walks up to you and he's like, that's a good bit, dude.

Yeah.

I'm the real Elmo.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to fuck you up.

And then I'm going to molest you.

Hermo thinks taking pictures of words that sound like slurs is not cool.

Except, I'm sorry I made that joke about Elmo molesting you.

He has been exonerated for molesting that one guy.

I saw Elmo getting arrested once, and it was a big one.

Shout out to Keith Ellison for raping and beating his girlfriend.

Yo, that article pissed me off.

Conservatives are so, they just, they're so good at this.

And like.

Contra-trolling?

And yeah, well, and liberals have like no way to handle it.

They don't know how to deal with it.

They have to be like, let's not jump to conclusions here, but we should hear this woman out.

Like, no one has the spine to just be like, no, this bitch is insane.

She's a fucking lying, insane bitch.

And they just can't do it.

Yeah, so now I guess Keith Ellison got, if you didn't know, he got me too'd basically for having a messy relationship with her.

He dated this woman who's got like

emotional problems or whatever.

It didn't work out, and they broke up, and he was letting her stay at her house.

He was letting her, until she could find her own place, he let her stay at her house.

And then she's just being like a fucking layabout or whatever, not doing anything.

So he comes in the bedroom one time, and she's just laying on the bed.

He's like, hey, could you take the trash out if you're not going to like have a job or do anything?

She just ignored him.

And I guess there's some kind of dispute where she says he pulled her off the bed, which

pull that bitch off the bed.

It's your fucking house.

She's not cleaning shit.

You know, I mean, you're like, there's no relationship between them anymore.

At least take out the fucking garbage.

And then people are like, well, that's domestic abuse.

He beat her.

That kind of stuff.

Well, no, what they're calling it is they're calling it narcissist abuse.

She's calling it that.

She called called it narcissist abuse.

What the fuck does that mean?

Like a psychological classification of anything.

It's just something that started online.

Yeah.

And they're like trying to

a new type of abuse.

Well, yeah, then the New York Times has to be like, is emotional abuse the new aspect of the Me Too movement?

And it's like, if you want it to be me.

Go ahead, let it.

Look, I will throw as much gas on this fire as I can.

Yeah.

At this point, fuck it.

That's where it gets scary, where it's like, oh, just being a bad boyfriend is me too.

Like, because then it's like, well,

who amongst us?

Who's innocent?

Yeah, yeah.

Who's innocent?

Can you get me too for cheating on someone?

Yeah.

Yes.

For not sending texts back.

Yeah.

Me too for being insensitive.

Is that what?

Damn, that's wild.

I mean, it's so, it's, it's really insane.

But granted, the Democratic Party has not asked him to step down.

Oh, really?

No, no.

And the article did make some attempts to be like kind of measured, but like, to be honest, it wasn't like it shouldn't have been published.

Like it was like

she said that, oh, she has video of the event, and then she said that she would she didn't have to be afraid of the money.

It's not a victim's responsibility to prove their claims.

And then she said that her email and her face was a little bit more.

No, she was not just gestured.

No, no, I mean it is.

No, no, I don't.

I mean, you should have evidence.

And then she claimed that she was hacked by Keith Ellison and he deleted all the evidence.

So basically she was just clearly hacked by Keith Ellison.

Yeah, the world-famous hacker Keith Ellison.

The

chair.

So, Nick, do you think it's like, because I remember your thing has always been like, Republicans are just going to use this against as a weapon?

Yeah, as weapon.

Yeah, of course.

Do you think she's like on some payroll or some shit?

No, she just.

I know.

It seems like she's just crazy.

Yeah, and she's mad.

She got broken up with.

She's going to do crazy shit.

Because crazy people have always existed and they've always done shit like this.

Right, right, right.

Like everybody knows, everybody who's dated people is fucked up and accidentally fucked somebody nuts at one point in their life.

At one point.

Yeah.

Or at least.

Yeah.

At fucking least.

Almost exclusive.

The people that have sex are the crazy ones.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pretty much.

Yeah, I'm a crazy boy, dude.

Yeah.

Brennan, you must have a lot of sex, bro.

You and Nick, the craziest ones

on the pod.

I have fucked very few

legally sane people.

Yeah.

Very few.

I got on one hand.

Yeah.

I think me too, yeah, as well.

I tried to fuck a lady in the mental hospital.

Hell yeah, dude.

Is it like camp?

Do people like hook up?

The good mental hospital I was in was fucking tight, man.

The food was good.

They had cake at every meal because they're just like,

you guys are pieces of shit.

Like, you don't have anything.

You're just real bad.

You have cake every time.

I've always wanted to be put into one of those tuberculosis sanatoriums.

Oh, well, this is.

Just to die on the side of a mountain or something.

What I kept telling the guy.

That's all I kept telling them in there.

When I was at the height of my depression, I was like, find me an asylum.

I don't want to go out.

Just find me a place where I can sit in a chair and like read books and fucking

look around.

I don't know if there's a pool that'd be nice.

But I don't want to leave.

Yeah, I want to sit under a blanket next to some like, you know, continental, stately British man

who's in the RAM and now his eyeballs are being eaten out by worms.

Yeah.

Splendid weather.

Little dying.

Let him have his pipe.

Yeah, man, that's all I wanted.

But yeah, the Real Mental Institute was good, man.

It was fun in there.

I tried to fuck a girl in there, and she was not having it.

You could fuck, though.

That was all I was doing.

I mean, it wasn't.

No, no, there wasn't rules that said you can fuck.

Fucking A-O-K.

Just a guy.

Explicit rules that you cannot fuck.

Respect, brother.

No man's going to get his nut off no matter what.

But yeah, I tried to fuck, and she was more religious than I thought,

but based on her tits.

That'd be funny.

Were the condoms in the mental institutions just little straitjackets?

Yeah,

I was going to have to go.

No condoms.

There were no condoms provided.

And then I'd get her pregnant and sue the mental hospital.

Hell yeah, dude.

I was crazy, dude.

This is on you.

This is you.

You start fucking a girl in the mental hospital and then you're like dating her and you catch feelings and then she breaks up with you for the head doctor.

Yeah.

And then the head doctor is like, look, we talked about this, man.

It's like, I understand you're upset, but these things happen.

You know, you just got to move on.

You just got to find some peace with yourself because you're not a bad guy.

It's not your fault.

These people just have more to offer than you.

Like being the head doctor.

I'm not crazy.

You're a crazy person.

What did you expect?

You don't think there's guys out there that I'm jealous of?

That I look at them and I say,

why am I not them?

You know, obviously not in this hospital.

I'm the best one.

I'm the king of the fucking mountain in here.

But in the real world, which you don't have access to anymore, is there a law?

Which you're not allowed out.

And if you were to be allowed out on a day pass, I have to sign it.

Hypothetically, you know, there was a a there was an

NFL player in there with me, and it was the best because

I can't say, yeah, it's like that's like real important shit for sure.

For sure,

but

the rules were out the window for that guy.

What if you were like, yeah, there was a guy in there, I can't say who it was because, you know, NDAs and stuff, but he's a famous parody musician.

He's an accordion, he plays accordion every afternoon.

It's pretty strange.

No, I really can't, I really can't talk about it.

Full name, Albert.

We called him Kookie Al.

Kookie Bert.

But this dude, like, clearly had just had a setup through the team in the hospital.

Like, because he would just leave and go

have barbecues with his family and then come back.

And we'd all be like,

what the fuck happened, man?

That guy just went to his pool for three hours.

He's a millionaire.

Yeah,

he like CTE'd out.

I don't want to say too much, but it was definitely

playing football doesn't help your brain.

And a lot of those guys have painkiller issues.

Oh, yeah.

Like pretty heavy painkiller issues.

And they don't even know.

Kind of all of them have painkiller issues.

They cover that up a little bit, but it's just like it's like candy.

And the NFL is so fucked up that they like test harder for weed than the NFL.

That's what's crazy.

That's what's crazy is they won't leave them the fuck alone on weed.

Like the NBA leaves you alone about weed.

Yeah, they all.

All those guys smoke weed.

And it's against the rules, but they don't test for it.

Of course.

And the NFL should be the exact same, but they test for weed all the time.

And nobody's testing for painkillers because they need painkillers, you know, because they're legal.

But they're all fucking just hooked on that shit because it hurts.

Playing in the NFL hurts really bad.

My fucking shoulder still hurts from high school football.

Yeah.

From one year of high school football.

Dude, those guys are fucking.

But if the trade-off is, you get to be addicted to painkillers.

That's worth it.

Yeah, it's a good situation.

Anything you can do to find

an excuse to be addicted to painkillers.

That is pretty tight.

One of the guys on the Browns got cut just now for insider trading.

Yeah, the Browns are idiots, man.

If only he added his wife.

It's so easy to commit insider trading.

Yeah, I know.

People fuck up and do it all the time.

All the time.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Icy shouldn't be able to do that.

Well, that's what's frustrating because it's like,

it's hard to know.

For a guy who's not necessarily super educated on the process,

if just some friend of yours calls you and it's like, hey, invest in this stock, you don't know.

I would do it in a second.

Yeah, you don't know it's against

a lot of SEC rules aren't like super intuitive.

Yeah.

And a lot of them aren't in the case.

I think

a lot of people, they hear about investing as a kid, and then they come up with pump and dump scams on their own.

They're like, oh, yeah, if I just go online and tell people like this company's great, I can get people to buy the stocks after I buy it and i just sell it when the price goes up right right you know and then it's like oh yeah no that's like a serious fucking crime and like you can't do that you know there was i think there was one case with like a kid who was like 15 who was just doing that and made like way too much fucking money and eventually the sec caught him yeah off like you know just pumping and dumping penny stocks i think they said that

people are surprised it is like a little fishy that the sec like pursued it because there's a lot of white collar crime that's like way worse yeah well it sounds like he made like a 1.2 million.

He made a lot of money.

And the Browns are idiots.

I mean, I'm a huge Browns fan, but I hate the Browns

owner and draft day.

Kevin Costner.

I hate it.

Was that your favorite movie?

Of all time.

Actually, I also Water World.

Yes.

Two parts.

Another cleaner.

Two parts.

But the Browns are idiots because that guy's been under investigation for like two months.

And they picked him up and paid him a lot of money.

And we're like, oh, we thought he was.

And they were like, we thought he was the victim.

And it's like, well, then you didn't investigate because you could have made like two phone calls and known he wasn't the victim.

The victim of insider trading.

Yeah,

the victim of insider trading is every other investor.

He's the stock market.

That's a NASDAQ.

Yeah, we're investigating him for child pornography.

They're like, oh, I thought maybe there were pictures of him as a child.

That you found out about.

I always thought it was funny.

Like, remember, like, Catch Me If You Can?

Yeah.

That guy, like, the FBI.

Frank Abigail.

Yeah, Frank Abigail.

The FBI, he eventually worked for the FBI after he served his time.

But, like, you never get that with a pedophile.

No, we used to.

I think we did that on the show.

Or, like, I used to say I tried to do a stand-up bit about that, about the world's best pedophile.

Yeah, there's never a guy where we're like, pick him up, get him in the FBI.

This guy knows what's going to be a rock.

There's a four-year-old, Robin Banks, and we need someone to fuck her.

We need someone to lure her into

an Oldsmobile 88

with nothing but a pocket full of butterscotch candy.

She's just been in a cell, his hair and fingernails are super long.

Why don't more?

I can't believe Morton.

There was a movie, it was called Black Hat, and it had, I think, Thor in it.

Yeah, he was, yes.

Yeah, Thor was in it, and he's jacked because the actor is huge.

And to explain why a hacker was jacked, it's so he didn't get raped in prison.

That's what they came up with.

They're like, why is this guy strong?

It's like, oh, so it's not, so he doesn't get sodomized by the other prisoner.

In fact, he got so jacked, too, figured, well, why don't I give raping a try?

Why don't I give it a whirl?

I mean, I did all these pull-ups.

I might as well get some boy pussy out of it.

I think the first bit I ever did, and I dropped it because it's kind of hacky, but the first bit I ever did was about

how they say, like,

don't drop the soap, like in prison.

And it was like a guy coming out of prison being like, guys,

it's not even soap-related.

That's funny.

That's a great joke.

You can do whatever you want with the soap.

They're going to fuck you.

That's funny, dude.

Yeah, you should bring that.

That's a great joke.

Yeah, yeah, that's a great joke.

That's a good fact.

What was I going to do?

Oh, I can't believe more people didn't forge checks on that.

Catch me if you can guy.

Like, I had to write a check recently.

It's just a note that you're like, yeah, here's, it's an IOU, basically.

It's so fucking checks are dumb as shit, dude.

That's what I'm saying.

Well, but you need to check.

But here's the thing: there's numbers on them.

You need to, like, he knew, he figured it all out.

You know, he had the little.

Do you think he really used those little stickers for the planes?

Yeah, yeah.

This is like

a montage of staff trying to forge checks.

Just like in this

jewelry

thing,

and then he's just

shitting and pissing himself, and then looking at a book called Reading for Dummies.

Nothing is happening.

We'll push it to the limit, please.

It's like a grand

zillion dollars.

There's chocolate on the chair.

And then him just getting stuck underneath the sneeze guard of Bob Evans.

They just have to get the fire department to remove him from the buffet line of Bob Evans.

The check never gets forced.

They're like, sir, this is just barbecue sauce.

This is just a flattened, dried piece of barbecue sauce.

He's like, $1 million.

They're like, this is the post office.

You're like, isn't that the bank?

They're like, no, it's similar hours and attitudes, but completely different spots.

And then at the end, he's like, catch me if you can.

They're like, we got you.

You've been caught.

I've been watching the world.

You're in a wheelchair.

You didn't pay your father.

I don't think you did any crime.

We're just worried about you.

Dude, I I don't know.

I think that's a good scheme.

You guys say it like it's ridiculous.

Javier, we're going to Cleveland this weekend.

Should we go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

I wouldn't, unless you like, you know, what's you know, what this is what it is.

I'll tell you exactly what it is.

A bunch of guys with prostate cancer, pretending they were cool or 40 years ago.

Yeah, pretty much.

But this is what it is, and it's a little bit interesting.

It's a costume museum.

Yeah, that's what it's like.

There's very few

exhibits beyond your, you will see

all of your favorite rock and roll bands costumes.

So that part of it's interesting.

But other than that, you're not going to see much more than that.

So I don't know.

You just want something to maybe shit on when we do

a live podcast.

I would go to Sokolowski's.

It's like a Polish delicatessen,

where they've got fucking crazy,

what do you call them?

Pickles?

No, what are those little Lithuanian

pierogies?

Like, pierogies.

It's just like a cafeteria-style lunch joint.

Cleveland's very Eastern European.

Nice.

So,

yeah, Sokolowski's deli is good.

If you like corned beef, I'd go to Slyman's.

Best corned beef sandwich in the country, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

It's really good.

Slyman's.

Stew little hines.

The club's great.

Are you guys going to be at

Hilarities is great.

Have you ever come to Hilarity's?

No.

The room's great.

Especially if I don't know what your following is like in Cleveland.

If it's full, because it's a huge room.

It's a huge room.

It's got a balcony.

But if it's like

the balcony doesn't need to be packed, but if the room's packed, it's fucking hot.

Like, it's a great room.

I'm sorry.

The club's fun.

The people are nice.

Owned by Greek.

Shouts out, Nick.

Yeah, Nick is great.

Nick, oh, that's right.

You'll get along.

Have you ever met?

I've been there.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, you'll love Hilaria.

I love fucking Hilarities.

Yeah, yeah, it's a fun club.

Yeah, I I don't know what they're doing for the festival, but they usually put you up at a pretty nice hotel.

Yeah, we're in some hotel.

The hyat's nice.

It's like across the street.

We also got to buy those plane tickets.

Which ones?

Australia.

Yeah.

We got access to this.

Yeah.

Suck my little penis.

Penis.

Well, hey, thanks for coming on.

This is great.

Yeah, you want to plug your podcast.

Yeah,

my podcast is kind of similar.

It'd probably be great for Cometown fans that are a little on the dumber side.

Whoa, dude.

I don't know.

Come Town is the smarter Rad Dudecast.

Bro, don't pitch yourself back.

So follow the Rad Dudecast on iTunes, subscribe, or at least give it a check out.

I do it with Greg Stone and Anthony DeVito.

And then you do premium episodes on Patreon.

We do.

We're moving away from that because we have a pretty big announcement coming up soon.

So we're moving away from Patreon.

But that's a whole complicated thing.

The show is now too racist for me.

The big announcement.

Man, I can't thank you guys enough for having me on.

Come back anytime, dude.

Greg and Anthony on the show.

Yeah, I love it.

No, I wouldn't have those two.

They can't think on their feet, you know?

Slow.

I just want to hear just whatever wild shit Greg has to say.

It's the best.

I mean, that's what our podcast is based around letting Greg talk.

I laughed about that Adam Savine thing.

I mean, this was probably four years ago.

Yeah,

and it's so funny.

It's still one of the funniest moments.

Who's next?

Adam Savine?

And he's not doing a bit.

No, no idea.

But here's the thing.

Here's the thing about Greg is you get to know him long enough and you realize like he sort of is doing bits, but he doesn't even really know it.

Like his life is.

It's in his DNA.

Yeah, like, and like I've, I've, I've always said, like, I'll always say, like, if people ask me for my favorite comedians, like, I can tell you, like, who my favorite stand-ups are, but I'll always say, my favorite, my, the funniest guy off stage to me is Greg Stone.

Yeah, he makes me laugh harder than anyone else because he's just like nuts all the time.

It's like how a butterfly doesn't know how beautiful it is.

Yeah, it's camouflage to survive.

Yeah, man.

Like, that's how Stone doesn't know the beats he's doing.

That's beautiful.

So, thanks, man.

That was beautiful.

I got to tell Greg you said that.

Yeah.

Oh, I love Stone.

All right, guys.

So, please, our show is passed all this time.

He's just going up to women, strange women.

No idea who he is.

You're worth stopping.

And he's like, Stavro said I'm a butterfly.

That's how that'll be interpreted.

So the fucking Cleveland and Boston shows just happened, actually.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Thanks for coming.

And this weekend, I am in Connecticut, the Fairfield Comedy Club on Friday the 7th.

Please come check that out.

Next weekend, I'm in Lafayette, Louisiana on the 14th, and New Orleans on the 15th.

Then I'm in Chicago on the 21st and the 22nd, And Detroit on the 23rd.

We have Funny Moms coming up on the 10th.

It'll be me and Nick, no Adam.

And then after that, Australia, I guess.

Buy tickets to us fucking going to fucking

10th.

Can you not make it?

I might be out of town yet.

So it might just be me.

Fuck.

I got to walk up and down the stage and shit.

If you need help, I'm here.

Brandon, you want to help me?

What?

10th?

You want to co-host?

I would.

Yeah,

come do the show.

Okay, yes.

The 10th?

Yeah, the 9-10.

Which has...

You serious?

For real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, oh, and also, I might be doing a show in Denver on September 30th.

So if you're in Denver, keep an eye out.

I'm trying to figure something out.

So please come out to that.

And yeah, that's it, guys.

Come see us in Australia.

Sydney, the 23rd.

Melbourne, the 26th.

Brisbane, the 28th.

So that's it for us, guys.

Thanks.

Thanks again to Brendan.

Thank you guys so much.

That was really fun.

We love you, pal.

Yeah.

All right.

Bye-bye, everybody.

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