Ep. 118 – Louis SeemsGay

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We're live.

We're live.

Welcome to Come Town.

The wins levels sound.

Stop.

How do the levels sound?

They sound pretty good.

How does

my new XLR cable sound?

No, you're a touch under five.

Nick and I are a touch above five.

Who gives a fuck?

Just keep your mouths on the fucking mics.

I'm going to do that.

Don't worry.

Yeah, we all know about the inches, but where are the levels at?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're like 5.1 inches each.

Above average, Stav's.

Humble, brag.

No, I'm at 5.

Slightly below.

5.6, too.

If I had to guess.

I put on a little weight.

It kind of fucked up.

You know, it kind of stole that music.

So it's like insane techno music playing, and Stav's got this laser measurement system.

Robotic arms descending on his crotch.

He's doing weird science on his technology.

I want every sex men theme played.

Stop's dick measured by computers.

I want every single morsel of dick that I can get credit for.

I'm not giving up a single fucking iota.

So, guys, welcome to.

What I do is I, first of all, I got into foreskin regrowth stuff.

You stretch your foreskin way out.

Welcome, brother.

But the sensitivity never returns.

It never does.

I love research.

I twisted my dick 180 degrees and then sewed the tip of my dick onto the...

where it meets my balls.

So my dick forms a Mobia strip.

And that way, you know, a woman's like, what what the fuck is that?

I'm like, bitch, it's technically infinity inches.

Ooh.

It continues forever.

What is Mobius?

A Mobius strip is a...

A classic circle dick.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm doing sixth-grade geometry right now.

Like an infinity scarf?

I don't know what an infinity scarf.

Oh, yeah.

The infinity scarf is probably a Mobius strip.

Yeah, this is a Mobius strip.

It's just a circle?

Nick is demonstrating with cardboard what a Mobius strip is.

So you take that, you fold that,

and then looks kind of like a a circle.

It's not a circle.

So

there's only one side that that's true.

But it continues forever.

I see.

Yeah.

Okay, nice.

Well, can't it be a small Mobius strip, though, even if it continues forever?

Yes.

So you have a little ass Mobius strip.

Yep.

It continues forever.

No, but it's small.

You said they could be small.

I said the Mobius strip.

I got you, bro.

Listen, man.

Facts don't care about your motherfucking feelings, pal.

Neither do my feel my feelings don't care about facts.

Yeah, that's true.

That way they trump facts.

They go beyond it.

And my feeling is that you're wrong.

Well, the fact is you have a little ass Mobius strict dick.

I would like to host public debates just for the complete morals.

It's about like redistricting some town in Indiana.

It's just me and you.

It's like people that come out to the town all like,

actually, your dick is on this call.

Oh, I thought

there's all these townspeople that are like, but my son still doesn't have

lunch paid for.

Sir, you'll get a minute, please.

After we resolve this issue,

the problem is that my balls are so big.

So my dick is little, my dick is medium-sized.

My balls are gigantic.

I think it was.

This is the true fall of the Roman Empire.

It's the public forum.

Debates about whose dick was worse.

What if you had, like, you got, like, Noam Chomsky and like Zizek, and then we were the moderators, and then we asked them, like, if you sewed your dick into a Mobius strip, would it be

infinity length, or would it be very small?

Yes, you know, and then they would be like,

crazy.

I can't understand.

I want to ask him that thing about shitting hamburgers.

If you shit out a perfect hamburger, would you eat it?

What did you say about God being a cupcake that you fuck and then you eat?

What I said was you could do whatever you wanted if you were God.

Yeah.

You can can make a piece of cake that sucks your dick, and then you eat it, and it doesn't taste like semen.

Like the 50 Cent song.

Because you're God.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what that song's about.

Which 50 Cent song?

If I Could Be God.

Oh, yeah.

A girl, I'm going to turn you into a birthday cake that sucks dicks.

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

Well, if I could be God.

Everyone knows that song.

I'm more familiar with I Smell Pussy.

I think it's coming from you, Adam.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

The pussy song?

That's what that song is.

No, I think that your smell pussy emanating.

I think it's coming from you.

Speaking of which, ladies, you don't need to clean yourselves that often.

You know, your pussy.

This is an interesting thing.

You know, a non-a pussy that doesn't smell like anything,

you need to fuck your pH levels up a bit.

Okay.

Once you just put some fun dip powder in there.

So you want a real skunked-out pussy.

I like a French onion.

He did.

I like a French onion style pussy.

Okay.

With a little strip of cheese you pull off of blocking the whole

That melted fucking gouda covering the clit.

That is so.

When's the last time you had French onion soup?

I'm not a big fan of it.

It's been a while.

I had a really good one the other day.

Where?

And it really reminded me of if it's good, it's good.

This place by

freedom onion soup?

Yeah.

Yeah.

First fucking frogs.

The pulitipod.

Fuck, fuck the French.

So are we going to book our flights?

Macron.

We'll book the flights at some point.

Macron can suck my hard cock.

Macro, macrosteno, and just macro for short means long in Greek.

Macro.

Macro, exactly.

Yeah, like small.

Yeah, and I guess it means large in English too.

Macron might have a big dick.

But then micro

means small.

Micro.

Yeah, micro.

It's the same in English.

Both of those words are the same.

But what I'm saying is, I think about macron having a big dick.

Yeah.

Or a little bit of dick.

Because he fucked his teacher.

Yeah, which is kind of a teacher.

And then he wife for teacher, baby.

Respect to him.

He wifed his French teacher.

Ooh,

respect revoked.

You can't be wifing up that old bitch, dude.

She's an old bitch.

Although, he probably gets pussy.

French people legally have to get side pussy.

French people fuck a lot.

Yeah.

It's weird that

they're such miserable people.

I bet you they're having a nice time.

No.

French people don't enjoy life.

I'm trying to think of it.

Some of them probably do.

They're party French people.

Yeah, they party, but they don't enjoy life.

They just have nice, they have very nice lives that they hate.

They have existentialism.

I mean, I know what that's.

We all know what that's like.

It's basically what our lives are like.

Yeah, we're basically French people.

We're French, dude.

I'm on the road.

You can't be successful enough.

This is a

French-style podcast, yeah.

Baguette.

That guy, you know that guy, Eric, that I'm friends with.

He did a study abroad in France.

And

France, sick.

He used to get in arguments.

Adam gets mad that I do better impressions of

Eric than you.

No, I do a better.

Eric, I do a better Jonah.

I do a better Ari.

You do a better Jonah.

I do a better Ari.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Let's have an Ari.

Jonah's probably going to arrive while we're doing it.

Your Ari is just a copy of mine.

Well, I brought it to you.

I will close my eyes.

I will close my eyes.

You can hear from what side of the room it's coming from.

No, I've got headphones on.

I don't like these competitions.

First of all,

I already said that.

I am the master of this podcast.

I will decide who wins the competition.

Okay, I'll do Eric.

Right now, Adam's in the lead because I'm getting a little too much lip from you, Nick.

So go ahead.

Thank you, Savros.

Go ahead.

This is Eric.

These are biased there.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Round one.

It has nothing to do with the fucking impression.

Yes, it does.

You just admitted that you're fucking biased.

So

we're going to do an impression competition.

This is an impression competition of two people that no one knows who they are.

No one listening has any idea.

Save for like the guys that hang out in the DJ booth at Funny Mobs.

Yes.

So now we're going to do it.

No, no, Eric does it, but we're not talking about Eric.

We're not doing Eric.

You can do Eric.

I can't do Jonah.

Jonah's hard and okay,

so you already see Jones.

I see Jonah.

Okay.

I've been doing Eric for like 10 years.

Go, Eric.

How long have you been doing Ari?

Ari for more than that.

Ari and I have been.

How about how long have you been

doing him?

Doing impression.

How long have you been doing it?

Listen, guys.

How long have you been an impression of him?

Listen.

I've been doing an impression of him since we were maybe 14 or 15.

Okay.

I rejected him.

I don't, listen.

I've never once.

I see the line of questioning you're going down, and what you're trying to do is logic your way to this win.

You got to get in the booth and voice your way to this win.

Okay, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Blind test.

Blind test.

Here's Eric.

Okay, so there was this bitch.

Okay.

In Spokane.

Hold on, I'm bringing some static.

Move your phone.

What do you mean?

Move your phone.

Okay, so there's this bitch in Spokane, Washington, who was, she was a white, she's a white bitch, but

she was head of the NWACP.

Okay.

Yeah.

Next.

Okay.

Dude, Adam is such a bitch.

Oh, damn.

That's pretty good.

Adam's impression is the worst fucking impression.

I ever heard.

This storm's peace, dude.

Dude, Adam Adam has the fucking, literally the worst fucking impression of me.

See, the only problem is that you're bleeding into a different impression that you do, which shall remain nameless.

But I'm going to give this one to Nick.

Wait, who is the other one?

What was the other one to Nick?

What was the other impression?

Who?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, they have similar voices.

Yeah.

I don't accept that.

I don't know.

Next one, I'm the master.

It doesn't matter what you fucking accept.

And

this is Ari.

Also, you can say Aaron Berg's name.

You're right.

Aaron's not going to get his feelings hurt that I do an impression of him.

Everyone does an impression of him.

You're right.

We all do his voice.

I mean, it's like, don't tell Lewis we're doing his voice.

Look, I'm in master mode.

I'm not in come town.

So you're saying that he did an Aaron Berg impression.

I didn't impress him.

Stop, you should quietly mouth things to me more often.

Yeah, that interaction.

I like that interaction.

Like, is there going to be chocolate?

Will there be chocolates?

Will there be chocolates?

Okay, next one, please.

Adam has the shittiest impression of Ari.

No.

No, that's not it at all.

No, it is.

When I was a kid, people used to say that my dad was a pornographer, but he actually owns a business that does medical device instructional videos.

That's terrible.

No, it's he does medical device.

Too close to call.

Too close to call Florida.

Florida.

Hanging Chad.

Hanging Chad.

So Nick Winson.

Supreme Court.

Two to one.

You seated him.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

That was the Lewis Gomez versus Ryan O'Neill impressions fights.

Did Lewis wreck him?

Shouts out to Lewis.

Lewis won.

And you know what?

I'm not going to take a single thing away from that man.

I didn't expect to make fun of him for wearing a shirt and said that it was an embarrassing fight to watch.

Hilarious that he did wear a shirt.

It's so funny because

he got in pretty good shape.

He didn't wear a shirt.

He wore like a rash guard yeah like they no i mean it literally looked boogie boarding it looked like a company that it like a startup that makes shirts for fat kids that are afraid of the pool yeah yeah yeah i got flashbacks i got fat kids

a rash guard yeah yeah but i mean hey look i i i i legitimately feel bad for not believing in him

but he triumphed i mean i that ryan guy like sucked yeah didn't he have like an mma guy train him he did yeah

lewis knows fighters like he knows fighters i I was under the impression that that Ryan guy trained, it did this shit all the time.

That's what I thought, too.

Yeah.

And then, I mean, you look at him and tell him that, oh, he took karate in like 1993.

Right, right, right.

Yeah.

I saw it.

Actually, there was the same day, there was another celebrity,

a micro-celebrity fight, which was Logan Paul.

Your dick.

Your dick fighting your face.

Versus my micro, a micro fighter.

Versus some.

Hey, get out of here, chowder head.

Versus some boys.

Settle down, boys.

Let's not hate each other again.

Shut up, asshole.

Shut up, you fucking faggot.

We could have been a pussy if it weren't for you.

You've seen my ball.

You know how much harder it is to make money having to be friends with two other guys?

We could have just fucked for cash and jewels.

Adam's dick mad he couldn't sell his theoretical pussy.

Could you get jewelry for your dick?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Me and Saab are talking about getting chains and rings and shit.

For your dick.

Well, for our

bodies.

I want a chain for sure.

I have a chain.

I've been wearing a chain.

Yeah, but you don't pull it off.

Yeah, you actually do wear a chain.

You got the little earrings.

I have an earring and a chain.

I'm a jewelry guy now.

That's really the only thing the podcast has changed about me.

Yeah.

I've become a jewelry guy.

I want a chain really bad.

If anyone knows where to get a good chain and you can't do it.

Somebody sent me a Tony the Tiger chain.

That's cool.

You know what?

I still have yet to regret giving my address out to to people.

Everything I receive is such a pleasant surprise.

I would if I didn't live with other people.

The only thing I feel bad about receiving is somebody sent me, they're like, hey, you know, like, I know you like reading and stuff.

Here's like a novelette I wrote.

And it's like, you're like,

well, I'm sure it's.

I'm not sure you're gay, but I'm sure it's good.

I just like don't have time to read 50 pages of.

Some guy's bringing his copy of Call Me By Your Name to have you sign tonight at your mom's.

I'm too busy rereading Call Me by Your Name.

No, he is.

He said, can Nick sign it?

I was like, of course.

Sure.

Oh, okay.

And then someone else asked if we could sign the Choppo book, and I said, no.

How about Call Me By Your Train?

And it's about two autistic guys that fuck each other.

Fall in love.

Two autistic guys that run a train

each other.

Do you think that train hobos in the 20s in the 30s

were like autistic guys that like you know that was like the they just didn't know they had autistic guys everything had gears and machinery the way trains do oh everything was steampunk back then.

So they were to, in fact, they were probably cool guys.

They might have been gay guys that just wanted to suck and fuck on those trains.

Train hobos had to have been, there had to have been a disproportionate amount of autistic guys.

No, I think gay guys.

And I'm basing that strictly off of.

You think it's gay guys?

I'm basing that strictly off of Mad Men, where Sal

said before he died, John McCain's brain tumor didn't cause him to just act out in very public homosexual displays.

How funny would that have been?

I know that's not how brain tumor is.

Goddamn cool.

Just bring me that goddamn dick and get rid of my mouth.

All right, Peter, the Maverick, man.

Yeah.

You know?

The fucking true Maverick.

Look,

you don't have to agree with the fact that the guy, you know, wanted to drag us into war with every country in the world and kill a bunch of people.

But you do have to expect that he was a war hero.

You have to respect that he crashes some fucking plane

and

got captured.

Look, man, that's the only part I can relate to is like being bad at doing your job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean,

he just didn't.

That's what I meant by war hero.

The only part of him I identify with is the bad at flying.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I couldn't fly a plane.

Yeah, but he got to fly because his dad owned, was like an admiral.

His dad owned the army.

He owned the navy.

Something like that.

His dad was the boss of the army.

Yeah, yeah.

I will give him credit for not getting released or whatever, but whatever.

Here's what I was thinking.

What if he gets to heaven and the juiciest pussy of all time is there, but you have to reach above your head to get it?

And he can't, and he can't.

You think he'll still be paralyzed?

Yeah, no, no, he wouldn't.

But what you know what else would be funny?

If everyone's saying, like, Aretha Franklin is in heaven and shit.

What if he gets there, all those fucking North Vietnamese guys?

No, what it happened?

Of course.

He missed

the 72 virgins for his contributions to global jihad.

It turns out heaven's real.

But then the Muslim God is like, no, you've actually really helped.

You've actually done a lot for Jihad, believe it or not.

He's like, fuck it.

Just give me the goddamn pussy.

Give me that bread.

And they're all Vietnamese ladyboys.

Yeah, secret VC.

Spies.

The good shit.

Yeah, the good shit.

Let's be at cunt.

Let's beat the Viet Kunt.

So I do want to say in these trying times, if anyone has a picture of his daughter's titties,

I will of course.

Megan?

Yeah, they're pretty big.

She's busted, dude.

Dude, she's nasty.

Say what you will about her father's foreign policy, but I will not.

I will not have you fucking disrespect how big that lady's titties are.

You see her get owned by Joy Behar on the shit?

That was awesome.

That was so funny.

I wanted to suck off Joy right then and there.

Yeah.

I used to think it was very funny when Fred Armison did Joy Behar.

How about instead of Joy Behar, it's Boy Behar.

Yeah.

It's guys only.

Okay.

And see, it's still a woman named Joy Behar.

But only men can fuck her?

Yeah.

This pussy's just for the fellas.

Oh, shit.

Where are we at?

I forgot to keep track of that.

Oh, we are at.

Can you see Adam?

I can't see.

17.

17 inches of a dick.

A little timerino here.

Time, timer, timer, timer, timer.

So you ever set the stopwatch on your phone and you forget to turn it off and then you check it days later and you're like, fuck, I'm just dying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's been 182 hours.

Yeah, and you've done

nothing, dude.

Yeah, nothing.

I've cycled through the same four problems in my head that there's no solution to, really.

Yeah.

Well, there's the final solution.

The final, yeah.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The final countdown.

Another thing that happened

is some guy got got it.

Some guy shot up a fucking Madden tournament.

Yeah.

Sounds like he was...

Super Madden.

Sounds like he was a pretty mad guy.

Do you you ever watch Rage Quit Comps compilations on YouTube?

He could have been better as a guy driving a John Madden bus through a crowd.

That's true.

That would have been the ultimate.

If it was John Madden shooting up the John Madden tournament, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, John Madden.

You goddamn nerds.

Somebody drove a John Madden bus through Bastille then.

Madden's confused.

He's trying to get to that game in London.

He just ended up killing people.

What the fuck they do with Bastille?

They rushed the prison.

Is that correct?

Yeah, they stormed the Bastille.

Is that the prison?

The Bastille?

Yeah, the Bastille is the prison where they kept all of the

French Revolution people in there for sure.

Something like that.

I don't know.

My only knowledge of the French Revolution comes from Tale of Two Cities.

And my only knowledge of Tale of Two Cities comes from Tale of Two Kitties, the Garfield Bastille.

So, from my understanding,

the Dover represents the original Garfield, whereas Calais is obviously the imposter Garfield.

Yes.

It's all because all the rich Garfields were hiding all the lasagna.

And then the fucking Odies did some other shit.

I'm not even familiar with Tale of Two Kitties.

I don't even know.

Is that a real movie?

Oh, you haven't read the novelization of Garfield?

Was that a real movie?

Yeah, dude.

You don't remember?

Was Dill Murray in it?

I know he was in the first one.

Tale of.

No, I think it was Lorenzo Music.

That's the guy's name?

No, you know what?

That's who played Garfield on the animated series.

Lorenzo Music?

What?

That's a cool ass name, dude.

Wow, Nick.

Did he play music?

Get your phone away from me.

No, I'm looking up the fucking Garfield, Tale of Two Kitties, 2006 British American family comedy film written by the Cohen brothers, actually.

That's what they, yeah, literally written by Joel Cohen, who's a different guy.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why Bill Murray said he agreed to it because he thought it was a Cohen brothers movie.

It's so fucking funny.

It's a sequel 2004 film Garfield.

Some other guy named Joel Cohn is.

Did Bill Murray fuck Scarlett Johansson in that movie in Japan?

No, they're friends.

Damn.

Yeah, Bill Murray's in it.

But that would be tight.

Bob Hoskins is in it.

Damn.

Man, he made some Super Mario fakes, dude.

The Super Mario movie is so fucking funny.

I haven't seen it.

Such a piece of shit.

It's hilarious because they went to some coked-out 80s screenwriter and was like, look, can you adapt this game?

And the guy's like,

All right, yeah, yeah,

what is a game?

You know, like, he's an Italian plumber, and he's got to fight this turtle.

He's like, Yeah, it's enough.

I'll figure it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, Yeah, it's a lizard dimension, and you know, Dennis Hopper is like, He's Bowser, right?

He's Bowser.

We're playing Mario Tennis.

Yeah, shit's tight, dude.

Yeah, I've been whooping Eldis's ass in Mario Tennis.

Yeah, I just bought a couple more controllers for the Switch boys.

You should come over and play doubles.

Yeah, you know what we should play is

poker, yeah, a gambling.

Maybe we can gamble on it.

Gamble at betdsi.com.

Bet DSAI, the premier sports betting, sports book website.

Yeah, they've been in business over 20 years, paying out winners.

They got an easy-to-use,

fun mobile app.

Oh, I love that.

That's as opposed to the regular kind of app.

That suck dick.

I get on them and I'm like, ah.

Dude, what the fuck is this?

I need a mobile app.

I don't need something I have to sit down and use.

The computer?

You have to hop your phone and use both hands.

I'm on the go constantly.

Always on the go.

I need a mobile app.

Always gambling on beddsi.com.

They got easy to use 24-7, 365 days a week, 366 if you're lucky.

Oh, yeah.

Leapier.

Leapier.

That's

that's

you got it.

I don't know.

I can't think of anything leapier.

No, I don't know.

You kill you.

That's your kill yourself.

Take a jump off.

Yep.

Might as well jump.

Might as well jump.

Suck.

Van Halen.

Yeah.

so yeah you can bet on other shit too you know in-game motherfucking

transhalin also good yeah bet on that at betsi.com

the concept of transhaling

call up the customer service dude 24-7 365 days a week you say how about trans hail

And he's like, yes.

And then you ask them for the promo code.

No, I did get a little bit of pushback for them because I said the the promo code wrong again.

Oh, so maybe it's not my fault, right?

They changed it on me.

So, we have any picks, Stav?

Let's see here.

Yeah, you know, here's my pick.

I think you were just about to say it.

In the motherfucking U.S.

Open, fucking

Tsitsipas.

Titsipas?

I don't know how you fucking say his name, alright?

But there's a Greek fucking tennis player.

Put your whole fucking, put your money on that motherfucker.

Isn't that that guy, Kyrgyos, or whatever?

No, he's not Greek.

He's Australian.

He's ethnically Greek, lives in Australia.

This guy is fucking...

Tsitsipas is fucking Greek, bro.

Got the little Greek flag next to his name.

Same thing.

Shits's pants?

Yeah, yeah.

Shitsi's pants.

I don't know what his fucking first name is.

I think it's Stitch.

Yeah, definitely bet on this guy who Stav doesn't know his first name.

Yes, bet on him, dude.

His name is Stavre.

Bro, you got to bet on this guy.

His name's, I don't know, something.

Stephanos.

Stefanos Tsitsipas.

Okay.

Who's that boy?

You're betting on him to win it all?

For the whole motherfucking thing.

He's going to win the whole tournament.

What's he ranked?

He's ranked 15th.

15th?

Not bad.

Not bad.

Not bad.

Good money.

Good odds on that motherfucker.

For me, I don't think you can bet on it, but there is a tournament on Twitter for the worst online fan base, most annoying fan base.

Oh, yeah, I saw that.

And I saw that our fans made it through the first round.

I want to make it the whole goddamn way through.

We're going up against Chris Hardwick, which is tough.

None of us have raped or whatever he did, but.

Did he rape?

I don't know.

He did something bad.

Yeah.

Some bad shit.

I believe in you boys.

Allegedly, but he held that girl at gunpoint when she was eight, and and he fucked her mouth and ass

in front of a Comic-Con panel.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, this is allegedly alleged.

This is already a month ago, so I don't remember all the details.

Yeah, yeah.

Something along that.

He did that a month ago?

Yeah.

And he got his job back?

Yeah, that's what got him back.

He just repeatedly fucked him out and then just blew a giant load all over her face.

And he said, how's that for a meltdown?

Yeah.

Oh, the meltdown.

Yeah, I get that.

Meltdown comics.

Yeah, I've got a comic book for you right here.

And he had a book of pictures of her nude as an infant.

Oh, my God.

Held together with his own comic.

That's really terrible.

He was the bound with his own semen.

Did we ever finish this read?

What?

Oh, yeah.

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So yes, do that every time.

Yeah, and I think it was weird that they wanted us to say all that stuff about Chris Hardwick, but

legally they did not ask us to do that.

But you know what?

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outside of the promo code, which is affiliate.

We also have little S dicks.

But this is me, Stop

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Yeah.

I didn't understand why that broke me out.

I just like talking in dumb voices like this.

Yeah.

Yeah, so anyways, steps on us.

I was watching Michael Winslow videos the other day.

And there's one where he's on like the local news and some shit.

And the woman's like, now, the other night on Jim.

Then, first of all,

any like...

All of daytime network television, every single one of those people on there is just drunk out of their minds.

Oh, yeah.

On loot, like just pain pills.

So fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, the midday news.

Yeah.

That's a rough one.

Just like a woman who, like, one of her eyes is shut all the way.

And she's like, and we'll be back with the Pilates cats in a minute.

But first, Michael Winslow, who you may recognize from the Police Academy movies.

The interview is fucking hilarious.

First of all, he's dressed like a Lego man.

Like a Lego for a Poor Child where they just assembled him out of other Lego bands.

Respect.

The bright orange shirt.

He's like pirate pants.

Bright orange shirt and a bowler hat hell yeah this uh like like he's never seen anyone put on clothes yeah how old like an alien doing he's got to be in his 50s or 60s he's older the 50s yeah he's probably in his like late 60s yeah i just think so i mean 60s yeah yeah but at least he got him in his like early 80s right yeah well good yeah whatever whatever yeah net worth google that

he's not that rich dude he's doing gigs with irwin well yeah she's like she's talking about she's talking about like uh yo last night on uh jimmy fallon we saw you do an impression of jimi hendrix's guitar can you do that for us and he goes 59 yeah well done now yeah he goes uh

uh you did an impression of jimi hendrix guitar can you do that for us and he goes no

he just wouldn't do anything he saves that for this for the stage he wouldn't do anything

the only sound effect he does while he's on there is a chicken which is

anyone can do that anyone can do the chicken There's nothing that differentiates Michael Winslow.

And then she's asking him, She's like, Do you have any advice for younger people trying to get into this?

And there's not even a name for it.

Sound effects.

And the only advice should be do something.

I mean, there's only one Michael Winslow.

Yeah.

It's not like there's a whole industry of people that make sound effects.

Right.

And even he's obsolete.

Granted, I haven't looked into it yet.

She was like, and can we look for you in anything?

And he's like, I swear to fucking God.

He goes, well, you know, I can't promise anything, but there are rumors about a Police Academy 8.

Oh,

no.

That's miserable.

Didn't Gutenberg retire from acting?

Isn't Gutenberg dead?

No, no.

No, he's not dead.

He was funny as shit.

Oh, Rick Moranis retired from acting.

Yeah, because his wife died or whatever.

Gutenberg, he did a hilarious thing on Party Down.

Oh, I remember that.

Where he was like...

Oh, Gutenberg's kind of ripped now.

He's ripped.

Yeah, he's a good-looking guy.

Yeah, yeah, he looks good.

Yeah, he's still got his hair.

He was like the most famous guy of all time for like three years.

He had a run.

It's so weird.

He had a run.

And then it just didn't happen.

I was always a Steve Carrot.

You think it was because Tom Hanks just came through and was cuter than him?

I don't know.

I thought he was incredibly charismatic, funny.

But basically, they're in the same lane.

Yeah, I guess so.

You know what I mean?

Tom Hanks fucked that fish, and everyone's like, oh, I mean, it is weird that Tom Hanks was as successful as he is.

Because it's not,

he's so milquetoast.

He's so boring, and he's not in anything that's really particularly good.

Where does that come from?

Milk toast?

I don't know.

No, it's not that.

Not a fan of that.

No, what is the best?

What is the best Tom Hanks movie?

Saving Pride Ryan?

Yeah.

Yeah, but that doesn't really count.

The one where he focuses on the story.

No, Saving Pride Ryan counts.

Daryl Hannah.

All right.

Say not Saving Product Run.

No, no, he's actually

that scene at the end of Captain Phillips where he doesn't realize at first that he's been rescued and that it hits him.

It's good acting.

He's a good actor.

It is good acting.

He's a good actor.

He does kind of.

It is pretty good.

Oh, Castaway.

Castaway is, he acts real hard.

That whole movie is just him.

And then Forrest Gump.

Forrest Gump sucks.

The terminal.

Sully.

Green Mile.

Philadelphia.

Yeah, what's this guy?

He does a couple of

bullshit.

A couple of fucking airport movies.

Green Mile.

8 Meg Ryan's Pussy or something.

Philadelphia,

he acts good in that.

Sleepless in Seattle.

That's a fucking great one.

That's a good one.

The Cloud Atlas.

Damn, remember how stupid that movie was?

That movie was a piece of shit.

That came out.

They have like Chinese versions of themselves.

They're wearing like prosthetics.

I didn't lose it.

There was all this movie.

That movie,

The Golden Compass, and then like Sky Captain in the World of Tomorrow.

No, there was all these.

There's movies that have titles where it's like, oh, I'll never see this.

What's the shit about the guy and the tiger on the boat?

That was Pie.

I used to confuse that with Cloud Atlas.

I read The Golden Compass.

I was like, oh, I was like,

hell yeah.

I read The Golden Compass as a little kid.

shit was good, dude.

You get some shit called a damon or some shit, a Matt Damon.

It's like a little I remember reading uh, like

it was like Stormfront or something when Golden Compass came out.

Yeah, there was like an article about uh, not an article, like a post on the forum.

Oh, do you mean you were reading?

I thought that was like the name of another book, but you mean the racist one.

Oh, the racist, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

No, I found it, I found a thread on it was either Stormfront or like Vanguard News Network or something, where somebody was complaining about uh the golden compass,

It was the golden compass or something.

It's one of those types of movies.

Yeah.

And how they, and I think I've told this story on the podcast before, how they enjoyed it aside from the quote N-word centaurs.

Like, as a racist, the fact that the black people in the movie are half-animal should actually be like, you'd think that's like them meeting you halfway.

This guy's just imagining his girlfriend being fucked by a literal horse.

Oh, fuck, dude.

That's so funny.

You know what?

I'm looking at Tom Hanks.

I take back what I said.

He's got quite the career here.

Oh, he's crushed it.

A League of Their Own.

Yeah, Tom Hanks rules, and he's very good.

No, I don't like Tom Hanks.

Who's your favorite actor?

My favorite actor of all time?

Like Maine.

Paul Newman.

All right, that's a good ass choice.

Paul Newman's the best actor.

That's a good choice.

Was he ever in Turner and Hooch, though, where he co-starred with a fucking dog?

Remember Cop and a Half?

I don't.

Burt Reynolds and some little black kid.

The little kid got to be a cop?

Yeah, Burt Reynolds has to like take some black.

You don't remember Cop and a Half?

No.

That was like one of my favorite movies when I was a little kid.

I don't remember that.

It's just some piece of shit Burt Reynolds comedy.

Yeah, yeah.

When nothing's funny.

There's not a single good comedy.

I would watch it over and over and over again.

I watched, there's a cop movie with Jay Leno and

it's got 15% on Brolly Tomatoes.

Have you seen that cop movie with Jay Leno and Mr.

Miyagi?

No.

And it takes place in Detroit?

That rules.

Psycho.

It's on HBO Go right now.

Look at this picture of Burt Reynolds.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Holy shit.

He's wearing rose-colored sunglasses.

Clearly fucked up.

Oh, man.

Remember that story about him posing nude in Playgirl because he thought it was for women?

Yeah, he got pissed off that gay guys for Jackie Optim.

What the hell is this?

I thought it was supposed to be women Jack and Optim.

There was a cop and a half new recruit in 2017.

What the fuck?

With Lou Diamond Phillips.

They thought that they needed to reboot cop and a half.

15% on Rotten Tomatoes.

No one remembers it.

From when?

From like 1993.

You know what we should watch?

There's a dice movie, The Adventures of Ford Fairlaw.

Yeah, I've never seen it.

I want to watch it.

I think it's on something.

I think I almost watched it, but

I was with company that was was like, no, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I would love to watch the dice movie.

Day of the Laughter Died is amazing.

It's my favorite comedy album of all time.

Easily.

It's so good.

I've listened to it the most, more than any other comedy album.

Listen to this fucking movie.

Hit me with it.

Devin Butler is an eight-year-old boy who lives in Tampa and dreams of being a cop.

He watches police TV shows, knows police procedures, and plays cops and robbers with his friend.

He killed his own father.

One day, while snooping around in a warehouse, hell yeah.

Already.

Yes.

What?

No one does that.

He witnesses a murder.

He goes to the police who want the information, but he refuses to give it unless they make him a cop.

What?

Well, we have no other choice but to make him a cop.

There's nothing in the rule book that says they then team him with veteran cop and child hater, Detective Nick McKenna.

Oh, he hates children.

Dude, the only scene I remember.

Classic conflict.

The only scene I remember in that movie is when

they have a sword fight.

So they both pulled the eight-year-old boy and Burt Reynolds as a grown man pull their cocks out and sword fight with their piss streams.

Wait, really?

In the movie, yes.

Hell yes.

That's hilarious.

Burt Reynolds is trying to piss, and the child comes in and goes, sword fight, and then they start sword fighting.

So Burt Reynolds looks at this child's penis and pisses on him.

Yeah.

What a good-ass movie.

Detective Nick McKenna, and they team up in a comic series of events to find the killer and take down a drug kingpin who ordered the hit.

They eventually come to a mutual understanding in order to bring the killer to justice.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, dude, Cop and a Half and Problem Child.

Problem Child, I did for you.

Oh, yeah, I saw that in a million.

John Ritter just getting owned by this little ass kid.

Yeah.

That movie, 4% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Problem Child.

What?

Yeah.

I thought that was a great movie.

Of course, dude.

All the movies you loved as a kid were awful.

Damn.

Yeah, I like the movie.

Because they're incredibly simple.

And it's just like 80 minutes of, you know, like, somebody stuck my dick in my ass.

That's like, yeah, laxative prank.

I think it gets to be president.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Every one of those movies had a thing where

someone accidentally had laxative.

I was like, all these liberals that are like, how am I going to explain Trump to my son or whatever?

And it's like,

Trump as president would make an excellent early 90s children's movie.

It's true.

They're like, he's bad, but they can't stop him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now he has control of the nukes.

What's he doing with it?

Cheating on his wife and eating candy.

This summer.

Problem Child 4.

Problem present.

Ronald Plump, dude.

Yeah.

Ronald Plump.

Ronald Plump.

They defeated him with logic and reason and jacked old men.

Yeah.

That you definitely don't want to fuck your ass, hold you down and fuck your ass.

Yeah, those two twin brothers.

They just look like Ken dolls.

They fuck each other.

I forgot Michael Richards was in Problem Child.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He was hilarious.

He's a great physical comedian.

I'm going to

teach you some words.

Let's hit the laugh factory, Problem Child.

Did those clips of Seinfeld when they would?

When they edited

the bloopers where you get mad at them?

You get mad?

Yeah, yeah.

Like somebody would, like, you know, laugh during a scene and be like, trying to be a fucking professional here for once.

I love the edit.

I've said this before, but I love the edit when when there's like an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer's on the news.

And they're like, oh my God, it's Kramer.

And then they splice in the, he's a, and they're like, oh, Kramer.

It's just so good, man.

Did you see that edit of Friends Without the Laugh Track where it's just Ross beating up a woman?

He's like, the girls take a self-defense class, and then he feels like he masculated because he can't fight.

Hell yeah.

And so at the end, like, he has to, like, he fights a woman to prove that he's strong.

But there's no laugh track, so it's just, like, that rule.

The one where it's, like, Ross showing up and he's explaining how he, like, accidentally, like, tried to have sex with a 14-year-old or something.

What?

But they edited the laugh track out, so it's just Ross being like, I didn't know she was 14.

No one lie on it.

Or something like that.

Yeah, Ross is a pedophile.

That's how I feel about what we just said about all those shitty movies.

Because I used to love friends, dude.

When I was like a little kid, I was like, hell yeah, this is my shit.

When I was like 10, I was like, can't wait to be a cool adult.

I can't wait to have friends, dude.

Yeah.

I watched that show and just fantasized about someone talking to me.

I wanted to go to a, I was like, dude, at a coffee shop?

It's just going to be cool as fuck.

Yeah, yeah.

When I'm in a coffee shop.

I remember seeing office space when I was in like sixth grade.

I'm like, man, I can't wait to have a job.

These are my own apartment where I drink two beers before passing out.

You know, I'll be honest.

When I was like 20, 21 and I worked in a fucking shitty call center and like came home and drank myself to sleep.

It was all right.

It wasn't bad.

It was pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah, because why it was pretty good was because you were just like.

You're dumb.

Exactly.

You're like not, you're between childhood and actually, you're putting off real responsibility.

So it's just like getting to be a big-ass kid.

Yeah.

That was why it's the best.

Getting in like eight hours of Call of Duty.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Yeah.

Damn.

And feeling good about it.

But then, but the older I become, the more childish I become, you know, more playful.

The more childish.

Your penis gets.

Got a child.

Yeah, I got a childish ass penis.

I tell this bitch, my shit ain't small.

It's childish.

That might be my favorite character.

What's that guy's name?

Lorenzo?

Yeah, Lorenzo with the child's face.

I tell this bitch, look, a.m., wake up.

I drink my Nescafe espresso.

All right.

Head on down to the nail salon.

Get my shit.

French man again.

Get my shit beautied up.

All right.

Then I go have a little lunch.

The samples at the Costco.

They can't kick me out.

They cannot.

My face is too beautiful.

They don't know the difference between me and my auntie.

I walk right in there.

Same hair, too.

Yeah.

I do the

same ass haircut.

You know?

Uh-huh.

And they say, Andre 3,000, sorry for the confusion, ma'am.

And I say, that's all right.

I go have two hot pockets.

They're on display.

Those are mine.

I'm getting the first ones.

Clean my hands off, go back to the nail salon.

Wash my hands.

And from that point on, we're talking 10:30, 10.30, 11 a.m.

is fucking bitches till midnight.

I got a whole system set up.

I know that whole transit system, I ride the 43 bus to Yolanda's house.

Fuck that bitch with my childish-ass penis.

She don't even wake up.

That's how I like it.

Say, oh, stay asleep, bitch.

That's right.

She's like, oh, who is that?

I'm like, shut up.

Go back to sleep.

It's my auntie.

Yeah.

She ain't waking up from the dick.

She's waking up because she smelled the hot the Costco on me.

Waking up.

She's going to smell them Faberge eggs and the trampolines, them Kirkland brand jeans.

You know, I said, she's like, what is that?

Is that 200 batteries for $8.99?

I say, shut up, bitch.

Go back to sleep.

I'm being childish.

Childish ass Lorenzo.

Lorenzo, go over to my auntie's house.

Ooh, you know,

I saw a hilarious name that could have been Lorenzo's actual name.

There's a quarterback on Florida State named DeAndre Francois.

Remember, we saw that truck, Greg War?

Oh, yeah.

Greg War, yeah.

Bonjour, where are the bitches?

Buses out the pussy.

Wide up.

Oh, Nick, are you timing?

No, where are we at?

41.

Oh, damn.

You know what that means, baby?

Yeah.

It's time to shit your underwear right off your fucking body.

Whatever you're wearing, take it off, throw it away.

We got better underwear for you.

We got Mac Weldon underwater.

Mac fucking welding.

Macweldon.com.

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No matter how childish your penis is.

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You know what I'm saying?

No, and that's the wrong one.

For a long time, I didn't wear underwear.

Oh, Lorenzo.

Lorenzo, you're a Mac Weldon user?

That's right.

It's silky smooth like butter.

I got a baby dick and a baby's mind.

Smooth like a baby, dicked like a baby.

Now, does your dick smell like Costco?

My dick don't smell like shit, baby, because Macwell and they got a line of natural, I don't want to do the voice on

silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which means that they

swarm odor.

It's like a little

bacon soda.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

A little bacon soda box

in the cooch.

Oh, yeah.

That's what you do.

Put a little arm and hammer right in that pussy.

Oh,

you get your bitch put the arm and hammer up in it.

Do volcano experiments that fresh pussy.

That's right.

Put some vinegar down there.

Fourth grade science fair.

Yeah.

Yeah, and they got great shirts, hoodies, duffel bags, socks.

Most comfortable shit you'll ever fucking wear in your life.

I guarantee it.

You're going to like the way you look.

What if you don't like the underwear?

Yeah.

What happens if you don't like it?

Did somebody say McDonald's?

Did that even

wildly violated copyright laws?

Just completely.

We love MacBook.

Shit.

You can return your shit too.

Yeah, you go to Macwell.com.

You can't return it.

You check them out.

No, if you call them up and complain, so you don't want to

get your money back, but they let you keep the underwear because nobody wants to clean your shit.

You do do it.

it.

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You dirty, you nasty ass off the fucking underwear.

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Check them out.

MacWeldon.com.

They've been with us the whole fucking goddamn time.

Salute to MacWaldon.

Only ride or die.

Think about all the sponsors we've lost on this show.

Yep.

We lost.

That's right.

Yep.

The new Adventist Church.

Kraft.

Macaroni.

Caliber.

Caliber.

McDonnell Douglas Airplanes.

Blackwater.

Keterboro Private Airport.

There used to be a

Westboro Baptist Church.

They stopped advertising way too early.

They should have

given us some time.

Just let it rock for a couple of days.

Just because I said I'd suck George Carlin's dick,

that I'd go to hell and suck his dick if it meant we could have

his wife back.

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to figure out what else we can't say on TV, man.

Yeah, that's why I want him back.

You know,

seven racial slurs you're not allowed to say on TV,

jink,

jigabooing,

dude.

That clip of him going through all the racial slurs.

Oh, I put it on Instagram.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just edit out the punchline and the setup, and it's the funniest thing in the world.

That's just five minutes of him just being like, kike, honky.

And people like, woo!

Like applauding.

That is good as hell.

He's up there with McCain right now.

You know, it's funny.

When I started comedy, George Carlin was like a god.

Like, there was nothing, you couldn't be more than George Carlin in my mind.

I thought George Carlin was the fucking guy.

And then I go back and watch it now, and it's like, this is so stupid.

I mean, it's still, a lot of it's still really good.

A lot of it's really.

But all that fucking wordplay nonsense.

Yeah.

Download your megabytes.

I hate that shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I do.

I actually like his first album, like Class Clown.

I love that.

The old Carlin, like the old clips of him on the Tonight Show, when he's like jokey, he looks kind of like a normal guy.

It's like before he became like a hippie grandpa kind of look.

Yeah, yeah.

He was great.

Yeah.

I was always a Richard Pryor guy when I was like, I always thought he was.

Yeah, Pryor too.

Yeah.

Pryor and Carlin kind of occupied the same space if I had.

Yeah.

But then, yeah, my casual comedy interests are pretty stupid.

I thought Jim Brewer was like my favorite.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've said that before.

Dude, Jim Brewer hardcore.

I thought he was hilarious.

I thought Pablo Francisco was hilarious.

I remember being like 14, being like, that's going to be me, man.

A guy that talks about weed.

Yeah.

Carlos Mencia's first half hour I really liked.

Was that the one that ends with that him trying to have that like solemn note where he's like, because sometimes then he just walks.

I think it was.

Yeah, yeah.

Jesus Christ.

And I was like, damn, Carlos.

Really?

I mean, I was like, I thought that was

11.

I like Dane Cook, that first one.

The first The first Dane Cook was great.

It was a black Tank Talk.

It was hilarious.

The Black Tank Talk.

Yeah, it was a big Dane Cook.

He was using the space so well, dude.

He was all over that.

I never liked Dane Cook, but I was already kind of like a comedy snob.

Oh, I wasn't.

I was like, yeah, I was like 12 years old.

Yeah, we were young as shit back then.

Yeah, I know.

I was already kind of a snob.

Yeah, that Paulo Francisco special discussion.

I saw it a million times.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it was great.

And you had to do it on TV.

You know what I miss?

Liking stand-up comedy.

Oh, yeah.

Being able to watch it, really.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I used to watch comedy and listen to it not all the time.

I can't do it anymore.

Because, you know, I don't want to be influenced.

My art has to be pure, dude.

Yeah.

My stuff about how I don't fuck that good,

I don't want anybody else to do it.

No one else in the game is doing that.

Stop.

Stop.

You're on your Marco Polo shit, dude.

Well, it's just, it's like

a part of me is like, oh, well, is it because that I've been in comedy so long now that I'm jaded, that like stuff I see I like judge it more harshly or whatever but then I go back and watch older shit and it's like oh no comedy used to be better comedy was easily yes dude I went back I went I was like trying to sit down and watch old Steve Harvey shit to laugh at it to make fun of it and it's like this man is a a genius he's he is so much better at comedy at stand-up comedy than like anyone we're fucking friends with what the king special

no his like independent specials i don't think I've seen too many of them.

Dude, Steve Harvey is not to be.

I mean, he's like a buffoon.

He's an idiot.

It's silly.

And then the premises are

the premises or whatever.

Yeah, I mean, that shoot, like,

send me to a rack, I'll kill the children.

That's funny, though.

It's funny, but then his execution of that bid is also so much better than most people.

Well, he's performing.

Yeah, yeah.

He's performing, but he's like, it's fucking funny, dude.

Yeah.

It's really funny.

I think Cat Williams is really funny.

Cat Williams is great.

He's amazing.

Cat Williams is fucking good.

His last special was pretty fucking good.

Seriously.

Like,

white people voting this year in line like they got a secret.

Oh, that act out.

That act out is fucking so good.

He does that step forward.

I mean, the physicality does it.

He does that.

But he starts.

I watch a couple back-to-back.

He does a couple of the act outs every time.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And that's his go-to.

I don't give a fuck.

You want the greatest hits, baby?

Of course.

Yeah.

I mean, he does do.

He's sweating the set.

He does do 15 minutes, 15 minutes on Jacksonville at the beginning of the news special.

That is like, how the hell does this guy know so much about Jacksonville?

He's not even from there.

No, comedy kind of hit a stride again in like the probably mid to late 90s.

And

wasn't that like kind of the dark era?

But that was after

in terms of business, but

who was funny?

I wouldn't say no.

But I also do feel like there is, like,

I don't know, really old shit.

It's kind of like watching the NBA or like old sports.

sports yeah yeah they're not as good yeah it's just like there's not as many laughs per minute there's not as much old shit and i think probably there is an there's probably an era that was like more contemporary yeah but compared to i mean look at the state comedy's in and it's like nanette is the most popular oh true yeah that sucks dick yeah yeah yeah

well it's a weird i mean comedy is so bad now that it's just moved away from comedy which for like sand whatever dude comedy's not i don't think comedy is important so well stand-up comedy that's what i'm fucking talking about yeah i'm not i don't mean comedy at large but I mean,

no, that's also true.

They don't make comedy movies anymore.

They're not profitable.

They don't make them anymore.

Like the last major studio, like, comedy.

I haven't watched Drew Michaels' thing yet.

He just had an HBO special thing.

Yeah, but there's no audience.

Oh, he's alone?

It's him.

It's like shots of him up close, and then, you know.

That's weird.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I haven't seen it.

I mean, I'm friends with him.

Isn't it an actor?

Alex Drew, and he's a good comic, but that seems weird.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, what's her name did that?

Maria Banford did that for her cat.

No, no, she did that.

For her parents.

That was good, actually.

But it's like a different song.

It's like, how is this the evolution of comedy instead of just writing more jokes?

Right.

Yeah.

Well, that's what I mean.

It's like, it's just, that's just not the same thing with Nanette, where it's just like, I mean, this could be good, but it's not a stand-up comic.

Like, it is, I don't know.

And where are you going?

I have to piss.

Adam has to piss everyone.

Apologize, Adam.

Sorry.

He refuses.

Anyway, man.

Yeah, it's like, I don't know.

There is an impulse always with anything to be like, well, everything's been done already, but it's not true.

I mean,

that's never fucking true.

Yeah.

It's standing on a stage and talking.

There's infinite fucking possibilities.

For sure.

Do it to an audience and make them laugh.

Just be funny, yeah.

Yeah.

And I mean, that's how I feel.

I don't overthink the shit.

I don't either.

I try not to think.

You don't even, yeah, think things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Forget overthink.

But, like, I just want to get on stage and do what's funny to me and whatever.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah.

I don't really give a fuck where I stand.

I'm not really trying to, like, I mean, I'm not trying to be, you know, I'm not trying be reductive, but I'm also not like, oh, I have to be cutting edge or whatever.

I'm just, I'm a fucking idiot who talks about shit that makes me feel bad, and then hopefully I find a joke in it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't really.

No, that's all comedy is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I and I don't find it to be a higher art form.

I think it's stupid.

No, it's not a higher art form.

It's barely art.

It's barely art.

Yeah, yeah.

But if I can.

Some people sometimes...

On a very rare occasion can do something and you're like, oh, that's good.

That's that makes me like think about how, you know, being alive or whatever.

Louie's had like a couple of jokes and specials where I've been like, oh, that's like,

that's on a different level.

And I'd like to maybe have one.

My goal is to be in the same way.

But you have to be like in your

40s to.

It comes with life experience and to get gravitas or whatever.

But

yeah,

I think it's totally fine.

I mean,

Cameron Esposito's,

she did a thing called Rape Jokes, and there weren't any rape jokes in it.

Some kind of giant totem.

That's going to be my life's work.

Okay.

Like a Tower of Babel.

Yes, some giant tower.

How tall?

It's got to be taller than the World Trade Center, obviously.

You'd want to go.

It would be unfinished.

You would keep wanting to

go higher and higher.

Would it just be a collection of shit?

You just like

pots and

various items.

Garbage.

Garbage tower.

You're hot gluing it together.

It tumbles.

You're like...

What's Babel?

That's not Sodom and Gomorrah.

It contains all of the languages, and then it was destroyed by God because he didn't want...

And he spread

everyone around the world and gave them different languages.

He didn't want people talking to each other, snitching on each other?

I think they were trying to get up to see him or something.

Be like, fuck.

With different languages?

I don't really remember.

So one floor was like Chinese and one floor was like Chinese.

No, no, everyone spoke the same language before they did it, I think.

And then I think God got mad and was like.

So if you're racist, you actually hate God.

Dude, God gets mad a lot.

He really did.

Old Testament God, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's my God, baby.

It would be fucking fire.

The Jewish shit set motherfuckers on fire and shit.

Yeah, the bitchy God.

Kill like babies just left and right.

Yeah.

That shit that he did to whatever the fuck Abraham or whatever.

Made him kill his son.

Well, he had to get real close to killing his son.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then he was like, sigh.

And then he's like, you know what, God?

This

mysterious voice in the sky that I've been talking to, I will kill my son for you.

He shouldn't have done that.

He's a bad father.

And that's supposed to be

an example of what faith is.

Yeah.

Murdering the son that you waited for for 75 years.

And

plenty of women in Texas have drowned all four of their kids and then had to go to jail for that.

But they had the same exact

story

that God was telling them.

What's the difference?

let them free.

Yeah,

they are prophets.

Yeah.

If they're God doesn't promise you go to jail.

What?

God doesn't promise it you won't go to jail.

That's true.

Abraham gets locked up at the end of that story.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, damn, that's fucked up, man.

You're going to sacrifice your son.

I watched this talk about women mothers killing their kids and shit.

I watched

the season finale of Sharp Objects.

You guys watch that?

No.

As an inflated man, is that something that scares you?

Yeah, I'm like, I don't want to go.

Popped.

I literally, when I was a child, thought you could do that to fat people.

That you could pop them and they'd fly around the room.

That would be funny.

Which balloons don't even do.

There was that Monty Python sketch about the fat guy in the restaurant, and he's like, Monsieur, do you want dessert?

And then he eats the wafer cookie and he explodes.

Explodes.

That's pretty funny.

I used to think that was really good.

One of those guys was gay, and he fucked a bunch of guys.

Yeah, which guy was gay?

The guy with the pipe.

The British guy.

Yeah.

The guy with the pipe.

Yeah, yeah.

The little guy.

The quiet one.

I watched a documentary and they told some story about seeing him just fuck a guy.

What's his name?

Graham?

I don't know.

Something.

He would just go out and get dick.

Graham Norton.

Graham Norton.

Yeah, it's Graham Norton.

Dude, you know Graham Norton's gay?

Remember when the Graham Norton show came out?

No, of course he's gay.

He's the gayest guy of all time.

The Graham Norton show came out, and like, I didn't know who he was because I'm American.

Yeah, it was on BBC America.

It was on Comedy Central.

It was on CW or some shit.

What?

I think so.

I don't remember.

He had that fucked up, like, Northern Irish accent, too.

It's like, what the fuck kind of accent is that?

The clips sometimes are on

Facebook, and it's a pretty good show.

Yeah, they have a lot of fun on that.

Yeah, it's a fun time.

You know, Russell Crowe, apparently.

Do you know the guy that played Superman was from England?

Henry Cavill?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he sucked.

Yeah, but he was in the new Mission Impossible.

He's the worst actor of all time.

He met Russell Crowe when he was like a little ass kid.

And he said, I want to be a Batman.

Something like that.

And then they met up later.

Or they were on the same movie.

And he was like, Russell, remember that kid from you fucking talked to?

And he's like, yeah.

He's like, it was fucking me, dude.

Yeah, there's a Graham Norton effect.

It sounds pretty tiny.

I mean, it was cool.

If you had watched it, it'd be like, it was nice.

Well, what's his name?

Griezmann from the French soccer team met Zidane after they won the World Cup in 98.

And he said, I'm going to win the World Cup.

And then they just won.

I mean, probably so many kids said it.

I'm sure.

Still pretty cool.

But he did that.

Anyways, the first time I saw Graham Norton, I didn't know who Graham Norton was because, you know, I'm not British or whatever.

Yeah.

And it was like,

what the fuck is this?

They presented him as if, like, you should know who Graham Norton is.

Of course.

Like, it was a big get.

They did the same thing with James Cordon.

Yeah, that was weird because it was like, what was even his current?

Like, what was he here?

He's like, not going away.

He'll never go away.

He was the fattest man in England.

No, he was like a musical theater guy.

Remember that fat guy that had pictures of the queen?

The suit?

I love that guy.

The unit?

That was the best picture of the year.

That guy rules.

The absolute unit.

He's like a fridge.

Yeah.

Oh,

was that the origin of absolute unit?

Yeah, it was that picture.

That guy was a unit.

Yeah, this lad is absolute unit.

The material that it would take to make that suit is unbelievable.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, let's look him up again.

So many fucking.

So many homeless families could have tents for that guy's suit.

It's amazing.

Who is he?

What's his

lord of Yonkinshire?

This is why you got to ruin shit by getting too much information.

Yeah, it's true.

You're just smiling and

that's how the Jews ruined religion for themselves.

Well, they invented.

Yeah, but then they had to find out that God didn't exist.

Now everybody hates them.

Yeah.

If they just

stayed in their lane.

How did they find out?

By killing Jesus?

By learning how to read.

They all had to learn how to read because

Judaism requires literacy.

Oh, fuck.

So, when you read, you're like, well, that's why the Jews are hated is because

it was like the only group of people that required literacy.

Oh, so it's all nerds.

Well, it's all nerds.

They all went into finance or banking because they knew how to read.

And then, you know,

they would adopt usury, which they're allowed to engage in as long as it's towards non-Jews.

So then they would just steal everyone's money, or sorry, take everyone's money.

Wasn't some shit like it was like, you know, people didn't thought it was bullshit to the shit.

Jews got the Enlightenment like a hundred years after Europe got it.

At least, like, Eastern European Jews.

They, like, the Enlightenment was like in the 1700s, and then the bulk of Ashkenazi.

The Enlightenment, what's that?

That's what I call taking a shit.

No.

You know, because I go in and enlighten myself after dropping a fucking fat load.

No, yeah, a bunch of people realized there was no God before Jews did.

No, I don't think so.

No, the Jews kind of always knew there wasn't God.

As soon as Christianity was born, the Jews thought, okay, we need another game plan.

So obviously, we accept that God doesn't exist.

We're going to go into banking.

Which, A, a lot of them just hid

them hidden.

Which is fine.

The majority of them went into banking and they controlled the world's financials.

That's not true.

That's not.

They all wanted Jesus to be like some big dick guy with a sword that was going to chop off Caesar's head.

The Jews did?

Yeah, right?

Isn't that why they don't fuck with.

Isn't that what they were looking for in the Messiah?

So they just suggested.

No, they thought Jesus was going to be Jewish instead of Christian.

But he showed up.

He wasn't Christian.

There was no such thing as Christian.

He showed up and he's like, I'm Christian.

I'm a Christian.

I'm mean.

I am a mean.

That's like you saying, I'm mullion.

No, it's not like, it's nothing like saying that.

Anyways, the Jews couldn't stand that Messiah turned out to be a Christian.

This Gentile is going to tell me what to do.

Is there any way we can screw him over with interest rates?

No, they were just trying to, you know, they lightly suggested to Pontius Pilate they might want to do something about it.

I've heard he's been saying some things.

They suggested

the money lenders.

I like to imagine Jesus walking into the temple like an 80s movie bully, like flipping over cafeteria tables.

Yeah.

Like, oh,

what's up, Fogel?

Trying to have your luncheon in here?

Not on my watch.

Yeah,

all of Adam's friends.

I think he made a tremendous mess.

My lunch.

One individual pickle with the side of a salt packet.

My favorite lunch to eat.

What the fuck is gefilta fish?

I feel like that was the go-to punchline for Jewish food.

Bullshit white fish.

It's just like it's maybe

a composite of three different fishes that are kind of ground up like a hamburger and then molded into a loaf.

Oh, that sounds gross.

So it's a fish loaf?

It tastes pretty good.

Sounds bad.

It's not bad.

But

it was a big joke in Rush Hour, obviously.

Maybe that's why.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I love it.

Filthy fish.

That movie, by the way, holds up.

What the hell is a filthy fish?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was a good.

Can you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

You understand the words.

You all don't stop.

Great joke.

Hold up, baby.

Solid joke, dude.

Speaking of Jackie Chan, we will be in Japan.

That's right.

We're going to Japan.

We're visiting the land of Jackie Chan.

The dojo he grew up in.

I got this Japanese haircut, and I really think it's really embarrassing.

What makes you think it's a Japanese haircut?

It's a good haircut.

It was all Japanese people that were at the hairdresser.

Oh, is that?

So I've always had white trash haircuts?

Yeah.

No, I haven't been shut up.

No, dude.

It looks fine.

Shut up, dude.

But it looks, I feel like it looks kind of super Saiyan right now.

Well, I think the answer is to continue looking at yourself in the mirror and fishing for composting haircuts.

Yeah, maybe

we should do that.

I do look in the mirror on the podcast.

I focus on the job I hate and don't want anymore.

We'll be free soon, man.

I know.

Anyway, so yeah, guys.

What's the plan?

Good luck.

What's the play?

What's more money?

Fully realized.

No, we got to figure that out.

So yeah, we're thinking, we actually are going to go to Japan horse.

When we go to Japan before or after Australia, before that'll be a nice little fun boys trip, it's going to be like kind of us trying to save the marriage.

And maybe like we'll have some momentum from it for a couple weeks afterwards, and then we'll just slow down to

the pace of our normal lives.

Whatever, man.

I'm eating sushi.

I'm eating ramen.

I'm eating fucking yellow.

I'm going to eat so much food when I'm there.

Before we go to Japan, though, we will be in the Tory.

We'll be in Cleveland on this fucking Sunday.

Is it not sold out?

I don't know.

I got to check the numbers.

But I don't need to.

In fact, it's not sold out.

They would have said something.

So please buy tickets to that.

We are in Hilarities on the 2nd

in Cleveland.

Sunday.

Sunday, 4.20.

So please buy those tickets.

You find that on my website.

And then the next day, on Monday, we are in Boston.

We are doing a live podcast at 8 o'clock at Laugh Boston.

That is sold out, though, so now there's a 6 o'clock stand-up show if you want to come see that.

I posted the link for the tickets, but I'll post it again.

And I also put it's also on stavi.biz, S-T-A-V-I-N-B.

Also, there's Funny Moms the next Monday, which I will not be there because it is

on the 10th.

I will not be there, but Nick and Stav.

Why aren't you going to be there?

It is the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah.

Really?

Are you really not going to be there?

I'm gonna go see my folks.

Oh, okay.

That's nice.

That's cute.

Damn.

I also.

You wanna get into Jewish holidays.

You can, man.

They're pretty bad for the most part.

Yeah.

They're not very

San Gennaro's coming up.

That's a better holiday.

Fuck, goddamn.

I love San Gennaro.

Let me plug my ditch real quick.

I'm in Connecticut on the 7th at the Fairfield Comedy Club, Friday, the 7th.

Please buy ticks of that.

And then I'm in New Orleans on the 14th.

I'm sorry, on the 15th, and Lafayette, Louisiana, on the 14th.

So please buy those motherfucking tickets.

And then finally, Chicago.

I am at the Lincoln Lodge on the 21st and the 22nd.

And then the 23rd, I'm in Detroit doing a fucking hour.

That's an early show.

You driving out there?

No, taking the plane.

How far is the drive to Detroit?

It's fucking dark.

Dude, I drove me and Lewis and Dave out there.

You were doing Coke, though.

That's true.

That doesn't mean that I didn't drive there.

You did drive.

He did drive.

You had some help along the way.

Yeah.

And then we're in Australia in Sydney, the 23rd.

Melbourne, the 26th.

Brisbane, the 28th.

So buy tickets to those motherfuckers, too.

And I guess there's two different shows.

It's going to be a podcast and a stand-up show.

Yeah, when they sell out, we'll do a stand-up show after the live pod.

So

if you missed your chance to watch us do the live pod, come watch us do stand-up or do both.

We're probably never coming back to Australia again for the rest of our lives.

I'm going to go once a year.

Damn, we need some fucking zannies for the plane, dude.

Dude, we're going to get Xannies.

Mail them to Nick or Adam, whose both addresses have been said on the podcast.

Stav's address?

No.

Do not say it.

Send it over because it's one of those weird bullshit Queens addresses where they got two numbers with a dash.

What the fuck are they thinking of?

I don't know what's going on in Queens.

I like Queens, man.

I like Astoria.

I'm hiding Nazis, weird addresses.

You know what?

I am more mad about the addresses in Queens than harboring a Nazi.

Nick and I have a little Queens

date night at the end of this month.

When I will be in Shakespeare.

When Stav is out of town.

Oh, yeah.

We're gonna go see Paul Simon.

We're gonna see his final concert ever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Neil Simon died today, by the way.

He died yesterday.

Are they related?

No.

Well,

probably.

They're both part of the same global concern.

R.I.P.

to Neil Simon, R.I.P.

to John McKean.

That's right.

Just kidding.

R.I.P.

Those guys that got got at the Madden tournament.

I was pretty fucked up.

Yeah, it's been a week of RIP.

That guy was from Baltimore, the shooter.

Yeah.

David Katz.

Represent.

Dude, are you proud?

Shout out to Baltimore.

Are you proud of him?

All right, guys.

We'll be back.

Bye.

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