Ep. 117 – Gasia Sargento

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CTNC's 21 Plus.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to Come Town.

Fuck, you're Krinkling.

Keep the shit.

Keep the fucking mic thing.

We got Krinkle Stevens over here.

How does it sound?

U.S.

Ambassador Krinkle Stevens.

Who's the actual guy?

Chris Stevens.

He was killed in Benghazi.

Yeah,

he was a homosexual.

He was a homosexual.

He was meeting with his Libyan lover in secret after.

He was doing cocaine with Obama in the library.

He was in limo?

Yeah, Obama accidentally sucked his dick too hard and killed him.

And so they had to.

Obama's caught a couple bodies that way.

It's true.

I suck dick too hard.

I sucked the life out of his dick.

Just thinking about Obama with like top hat and monocle guys sucking them off in a limo.

So if like Netflix has some contract with Obama, the Obamas are going to get shows.

And then they just have just some reality show where, you know, another one of these reality shows where it's a contest to see how gay you can be.

Like drag race or, you know, cooking or whatever.

Cooking, cooking's cool.

And not, I mean, being gay is cool.

The only non-gay things to do are lift weights and then listen to gays

is acidic air raid siren.

Lifting weights is so gay.

That's cool.

Because you want to become more of a man.

Yeah, a more perfect male.

No, you're trying to add mass to a male's body.

Yeah, there's nothing straighter than being a slob.

That's right, dude.

That's what I say.

I'm straighter than my dick.

Seriously, if you go to Chelsea and you see like real fancy, like David Barton, Jim Gays, those guys are like incredible.

They're Adonis.

Of course.

Yeah.

They run 4440s.

You better hope they don't revolt, dude.

I know.

We were falling.

They live forever.

They do.

Because they don't have the stress of women aging them to take

medicine, even though they don't need it.

A lot of them don't have HIV, but they get the pills anyway.

They do it for lifting, which will make you live until you're like 200 years old.

And it makes you powerful in the gym.

Yeah.

Because your white blood cells are dark.

Your entire tech industry is all homosexuals.

They took over the world from the Catholics, I guess, in 1970.

These are all the same thing.

Whenever they came up with fucking AOL online.

No, they spun off a segment of the Catholic Church.

I want to have a show where I'm a conspiracy theorist that does even no research into that world.

Everything is just a wild-ass speculation based on nothing, not even prior conspiracies.

I love that.

Just a stream of consciousness.

Uh-huh.

You know what I mean?

Guess what, dude?

Zoos?

That's some shit to fucking.

You want to hear some gay shit?

Animal crackers.

They had to change the box and take the pictures of the animals in cages off the box.

Was that that bad?

It made people sad.

It's cruel to animals.

I mean, what's the big deal?

They got the line in the field.

Who's really hurt by that?

Who's hurt by what?

Who's hurt by the animals in cages?

That's the question.

Yeah, there's still animals in cages.

It's just the pictures.

The pictures.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I don't see the reason to to be mad at that.

When's the last time you went to the corner?

I don't see the reason to be mad at the original box.

I know, I don't care either way.

I'm not mad at either one.

It's not even a figure.

I just don't care.

It's a drawing.

Yeah, yeah.

It's an incredibly retarded thing to get upset.

I just don't care either way.

Whether they're in the cage or something.

And then the game is the transition you're taking.

This isn't like a...

This is completely.

Because I understand sort of what you're trying to say, which is like, no, I'm not trying to say anything.

What you're trying to say is like, well, why would you get mad at them doing that?

Which is like, I understand that argument talked about like, you know, misgendering trans people or whatever.

Like, yeah, if a trans person asked me to say she, then I'll say she because it's not a battle.

Somebody already picked this battle.

Somebody started a campaign to get the fucking animals changed.

I know, but I don't give a fuck.

Well, that's what he's commenting on.

But also the practice position to have.

The practice position of the position is like, you shouldn't be mad about them changing the animals, which is a position to have.

I just honestly don't care if the animal is in a fucking tundra or whatever.

If it's in a picture,

if it was initially that they were in a picture on a field, I wouldn't be like, these animals should be in cages.

I know.

That's not the problem that I was having.

I know.

I mean, I get it.

Why change it?

But I also don't give a fuck that they changed it, I guess.

I'm the ultimate guy who doesn't care, bitch.

Anyway, guys,

back to the business.

Oh, here's something I forgot to do.

Aretha Franklin passed to a window?

And I wanted to do it.

I wanted to do it.

Aretha Franklin?

Yeah.

Well, I wanted to do a

stunning trip.

That's a weird thing for you to be mad.

No, it's not.

Someone sent me, my friend said,

doesn't care about things.

Me still.

You clearly care.

You're upset.

You care the most.

You're mad that Aretha Franklin's died and you want them to change all of her albums to make her white.

I do want that.

Well, you stepped on my point.

Did you see the Jim Carrey?

Oh, you're talking about the Jim Carrey thing?

Yeah, that was what I was saying.

No, no, I'm trying to get my own.

Jim Carrey did a painting of her.

She was basically white in the panting.

Hell yeah.

It was pretty funny.

It would be funny if he painted her as the mask.

Somebody, stop me.

I just wanted to get my tribute out, and it is as follows: S-U-C-K-M-Y dick.

Find out how big my dick is.

Suck my penis, suck my penis, suck my penis, suck my penis, suck my penis.

R-E-S-E-N-I-N-S, suck my penis.

Suck my penis.

S-U-C-K-A-M-Y-D-S.

It spells wrong.

Throwing a little E for old English.

That was like when we first began French.

Yeah, yeah.

S-U-C-K-M-Y.

That's how it's written in Chaucer.

Exactly.

Oh, yeah.

That was a fun.

That's a foundational bit.

Honestly, without that bit, does Comptown ever happen?

No.

Probably not, dude.

Absolutely not.

And that was the genesis.

That's where it all started.

You're crinkling again, you little slut.

Sorry.

It's a beautiful day to suck dick.

I'm gay.

It's a beautiful day to suck dick.

I'm gay.

Won't you suck my.

Won't you suck my penis?

That one got me pretty good, too.

That's a good one, man.

Good morning, boys and girls.

Or is it afternoon?

I don't know.

What time does Mr.

Rogers?

I think it's after school.

Yeah.

He comes in, he's out, he comes from work, takes his shoes off.

I've been from my job at the Being Gay store.

I've been sucking off the policeman, the only other man who lives in this town.

Yeah.

Two adult men.

I hated that documentary so much.

Dude, why?

Did you see it?

No.

I'll see it.

I saw the trailer and it was incredibly beautiful.

I just fuck with Mr.

Rogers, dude.

He seems like a good guy.

He was a good guy.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I like his vibes.

He didn't fuck kids.

Is that why you're mad at him?

No.

No, I just don't trust him.

What do you think he was up to?

Man, people that are on their P's and Q's to that extent, you can't trust him.

Real people fuck up.

Some people are just nerds.

Real people fuck up bad.

You know?

Yeah.

He did have a fucking couple DUIs.

Did he have DUIs?

I was going to say, I was literally just about to say, if Mr.

Rogers also had like seven DUIs, then I'd be like, this guy's great.

He's a human.

Yeah, this is a human.

A real hero.

It just seems like he has secrets that haven't been found out and will never be found out.

I know it's hard to fathom because we're all fucking pieces of shit, but some people are good people that just don't do bad in the world.

Name one.

None of them.

Not Mr.

Rogers.

Besides Mr.

Rogers, name one.

Oh, fuck.

I don't know.

Literally, Oprah is.

No, Oprah's definitely bad.

Oprah definitely does some good stuff.

Yeah, dude, she was good.

She was at court for, what was it?

The

I don't even want to.

Oprah's got something going on.

Oprah's got nothing, dude.

I'm telling you.

She's a goddamn person.

Oprah started Dr.

Phil, dude.

That's evil.

That guy sucks.

Oh, so she's responsible for cashing me outside.

God made man in his image.

Oprah is responsible for cashing me outside, which is good.

You're crinkling, bro.

Here, we got to switch mics so that I can listen to it.

All right.

Won't you suck my penis?

Okay.

It's a beautiful day to be gay.

I'm gay.

Because I am gay.

Because I'm a homosexual.

Because I am very gay.

All right.

So, what's up, dude?

Trump's going to fucking Cohen Sang Like a Little Bird.

We're going to talk about that.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Shout out to Manafort.

He didn't snitch.

He's the real Melvin story.

Manafort is like, he's cool.

I just love his style.

I love his suit.

Do you see the Ostrich?

The Ostrich suit?

He's like a Shatner, like Robert Goulet mix.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's a 70s guy.

Yes, he's a a 70s switch.

He's like a lounge.

He's a guy that just wants to go see magic shows at 40 years old.

Yeah, yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, we're on Kwalutes.

I'm going to take my wife to go see the amazing John.

Was he the one that

did some shit with Crimea or whatever the fuck?

Yeah, yeah.

Or was that someone else?

Yeah, it was there.

Who was that?

And Bernie Sanders.

Tyler Perry's Crimea's.

Crimea goes to jail.

Yeah, but it's cool that he laundered all that money through expensive clothing.

It's funny that it's like lucky that Tyler Perry is a black man instead of like a white guy that made his career off dressing up like a fat black lady.

Yeah, I wonder if the suit is latex.

Can you get away with it?

James Gordon.

This is the fire and rain guy.

He's like, and another thing I like to do is dress up like a big fat black lady and get myself into hilarious scenarios.

If you came tonight expecting fire and rain, I do apologize.

I'll be doing

Medea Goes to jail.

Medea goes to jail.

The plot is.

Diary of a mad black woman.

Was it

fire and rain?

I don't know what James Taylor sounds like.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

I've seen fire and rain.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain.

Is he fat?

No.

No, he's bald.

I've seen men bend over and expose the rat.

And I've seen my dick at real hot

and I always thought that I'd see you coming my ass.

That's good, man.

I don't know that song, but you don't know Fire and Rage?

No, I like those vibes.

Yeah.

No, James Taylor's all right.

Nice, dude.

He's fine.

Yeah.

You know, Eldis really.

It's when

the singer-songwriter was king for a while.

It went away.

Yeah.

There's a while where...

How about the dinger-dong rider?

Hell yeah.

He's like a guy that tells jokes, but he also just sits on guys' cocks.

Okay.

I like that.

Pumpkins.

I'm a dinger dong rider.

Oh, a singer-starrider.

No, no, no.

I'm a comedian, but I also am gay for pay.

Dinger dong rider.

Mmm.

Why the dinger?

Because, you know, that means dingers.

What about zinger dong rider?

Zinger dong rider.

Yeah,

there we go.

All right.

And I just had an image in my head of a carousel.

What are those called?

Merry-go-round, but it's you going up and down on a guy's cock.

It's a carousel.

Is that?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, carousel.

Carousel had like the horses.

Yeah, you baby.

Need my ass.

He's got a mirror.

He's just looking over his shoulder.

Is this the other James Taylor single, the big one?

Go to Carolina.

Is that him?

Oh, yeah, Carolina in my mind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In my mind, I'm going to care.

Isn't that just Georgia?

Didn't he steal Ray Charles' song?

No, that's Georgia.

Georgia?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

He just picked a different state and stole the song.

Well, it's two states.

Who was first?

There's a north and a south.

Yeah, but so he's got

first.

He's got Ray there, dude.

Who did it first?

That's two states.

I would imagine Ray did.

How about Jim Croce's Medea?

That's another white guy.

Yeah, Jim Crochy.

You know that?

Operator.

Big bad Leroy Brown.

Baddest man in the whole damn town.

Okay.

Been in a junkyard dog.

You know that song?

Yeah, yeah.

It was like his one song that he died.

Oh, Oh, shit.

No, no, no.

He had an operator.

Why don't you help me place this call?

I'll see the number on the matchbook.

I don't think they know this.

That song's a really, really good story.

Jim Croacher's songs used to tell stories.

They did, man.

Jim Croach used to be.

He wanted

to be awesome.

He looks tight.

I love that guy, dude.

That's a mischievous ass match.

That song's about how he's trying to call his ex, and the only she's out in California fucking some guy.

Damn.

And the only contact he has for her is on this matchbook

for that edit, but it's faded.

He kind of looks like DeVito.

Yeah, he does.

Yeah.

Yeah, he looks like mean.

He looks like evil DeVito.

Yeah, we gotta have DeVito.

And he's just trying to call her to tell her that he's fine.

Okay.

So he's clearly still.

That's hilarious.

Yeah.

I just want to go.

I know my ex-girlfriend's getting dicked down.

And then he died in the airport.

In the TJI Fridays.

In the Cinnabon.

Yeah, at a Chili's to go.

Oh, yeah, no, he died at a plane.

Oh, no.

During takeoff.

Oh, shouts out to French.

If a plane's going to crash, it usually happens within a minute of takeoff.

What?

Yeah, so anytime the plane takes off, I count out a minute in my head.

Good cross almighty.

I didn't know that.

Now I'm going to be anxious as fuck.

Unless you got old Sully Sullenberger flying the plane.

Right.

Do you think he could be a pilot?

Of course, dude.

Did you see that movie with Denzel where he's doing like Coke?

Coke and like

Latino pussy?

That's what I would be doing.

I'd be

drinking for like 15 hours between flights.

Yeah.

And just do a couple bumps before my flight.

Yeah, that's true.

I could do this.

I could do this.

Actually, when you're in the air, it's mostly automated, right?

Yeah, but you basically only have to take off and land.

Muslims can be pilots.

I could of course.

Some filthy Muslim can fly a plane.

Some dirty Arab.

You're not allowed to get mad at it.

I love those guys that are like, it's not racist.

I found the black guy who did something wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm allowed to say whatever I want about him.

Google Alert for justified black crimes.

I love how Norm calls people dirty Arabs.

No concept to the fact that you can't do that anymore.

You know, you just got to be, it's got to make sense.

I mean, they are dusty.

It's a sandy place.

Sure.

Africa in the Middle East.

Yeah.

I mean dirt.

I guess, yes, dirt.

That's a ton of stuff.

I don't know.

I'm moving to Morocco, dude.

I'm going to sit and keep talking about that.

Have you ever been to Morocco?

Never.

It looks really nice.

I kind of want to go on vacation.

Should we go to Morocco?

Yeah, dude.

To Marrakech

or Fez.

Fez.

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of food they got over there?

Dates.

Great food.

Tagine, have you ever had that before?

That chicken stew kind of shit?

Is it like Indian food almost?

No, no, no.

They don't have alcohol, so the food's got to be balanced.

They don't have alcohol.

No.

It's a Muslim country.

No Muslims.

You could probably drink at resorts and stuff there.

Yeah, Muslims don't drink.

That's why they're pissed off, dude.

God damn it.

How the fuck do we have?

Why do we have to?

Because we've been recording at yours and we brought record from yours.

This has been a problem before.

Why didn't we buy another one?

This is our first episode back at mine since.

That's true.

It feels good to be out of my home.

I was going to kill myself, dude.

We're slightly unprepared.

We're sorry about it.

I'm going to kill myself, too.

I'm glad the summer of death is coming to an end.

I can't wait for fall, dude.

Fall is the best in New York.

Winter is the goddamn best.

I hate it.

I love the way it just fucking

freezes off the pussies of this city like warts back to your shitty home in fucking Florida.

When I first moved, my first winter here was horrific.

I was just, I stayed in my apartment and just watched

in those apartments with no heat.

I wake up in the middle of the night, I could see my breath.

I just remember just being like, this rules goddamn deal.

What do you actually enjoy?

I don't understand.

I believe you enjoyed that.

Yeah.

Sirens.

Silence.

The sound of sirens.

The sound of sirens.

Yeah.

Herodotus.

Yeah, dude.

It feels good to be out of my apartment.

My foot hurts a little bit.

I got to go to my doctor and know how much exactly I can get out and about, but I can't stay in that fucking apartment.

I'm going to kill myself, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

You got to get out, dude.

You got to get out of here.

You can't keep doing mushrooms.

Experience the world.

The last time I took mushrooms, I just, like, it wasn't even fun.

I just sat on my porch and thought about how sad I was going to be when my mom died.

It was not a good trip.

Mushrooms are too emotional for me.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to do acid, maybe.

I just laugh about bust when I'm on acid.

Bustrooms?

Bustrooms.

I like that.

You just come straight up for like six hours.

I was laughing about the chief bustice of the Supreme Court.

Oh, yeah.

That's the guy who comes and must

have a little cup under their desk after everything.

The majority decision is thus.

Disappears into the road like a turtle.

Yeah, the robe just is being knocked out to the sides like two cartoons.

Like a dust cloud.

Is he sucking his own dick in this scenario?

Okay, nice.

Under there, like an 1800s photographer.

Sucking his own cock.

Hell yeah.

Who else?

We got Slauberts.

We got

Ruth Masturbator Ginsburg.

Masturbator Ginsburg.

We got

Sonia.

Give Head Mayor.

Suck Diknia.

Blow.

Fuck.

It's cool we just have a black guy named Clarence on the Supreme Court.

Clarence.

What did Clarence Thomas do?

He put like his pubes on a Coke can or something?

He raised a woman.

Did he actually rape?

No, he didn't.

Did he put his pube somewhere?

Yeah, yeah, on.

I think it was like a Diet Coke can for him.

Is that his move?

I feel like that's his big move.

Would you get the fair Mathis thing?

I think it's like me, too, also.

By Anita Hill.

She's taking down all the black judges.

He's bulletproof.

I mean, the Supreme Court should be Judge Mathis, Judge Joker.

The divorce court bitch.

Judge Alex.

Remember Judge Alex?

Yeah, Judge Alex, who's a cop and a lawyer and a judge.

He's fucking Judge Dredd, dude.

I am the law.

Judge Alex ruled, though.

He was the most chill of all the judges.

Because he was like 27 years old.

Yeah, he was.

How'd he get all those degrees?

He was strong.

He was like the doogie hauser of being a cop.

Judge Alex was a 13-year-old.

Judge Alex was Jack, dude.

Was he?

Yeah.

He was a good-looking man.

Was he on People's Court?

It was just called Judge Alex.

He was just called Judge Alex.

You fucking idiot.

I used to do a bit about it.

There was a show called Texas Justice, which is small claims, but you get the death penalty.

Only if you're retarded.

Yeah.

Damn.

Are we due for a new judge show?

Should we revitalize the medium?

I mean, that was all network television was for like 10 years.

Have you guys watched daytime TV anytime soon?

I haven't.

No, because they changed all the channels.

When they went to those digital antennas, there's now all these like upstart channels that are like laugh.io.

It's like, what the fuck is that?

Now, it's just a website name?

And it's all like Little House on the Prairie and 1970s late night talk shows.

Yeah, it's fucking

strange love in Spanish.

Do you remember

when we were in LA?

I was played by Who's the Boss?

What is this now?

That sounds good to me.

We watched Richard Pryor on Carson on one of those channels when we were at Jamil's.

That's right.

It was so

meandering.

It was strange.

Late night talk shows are the set.

It's so funny to be like, he was the king of late night.

And it was just like an okay show.

Like, it wasn't really like, there weren't that many jokes, it was just like a conversation.

Yeah, yeah, it was fun to watch, but it was like, damn, yeah, the things people respect are bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like in the first season of SNO, you could almost bet that if something's good, it's probably bad.

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Who's, you know,

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That's right.

Washing his hands.

He's washing his hands.

Does he do that to him?

Does America have talent?

No.

No.

Can you say the N-word on America's Got Talent?

You can.

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Yeah.

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I'm sorry that it means I party.

That's right.

That's why you're mad at me for partying and having a good time.

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Oh, what?

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There's,

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The Premier League is back.

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Bet the Lynx.

I feel like they're always good.

Or the LA.

Minnesota Lynx.

Yeah.

Those are my picks.

They got some big bitches this year.

They got some XXL.

What if you thought the WNBA was the NBA for white people?

Someone did that joke?

Probably.

Yeah, yeah.

It sounds like it.

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Yeah.

I used to love that insult.

Yeah, I'm putting you through college 50 cents at a time.

That was a good one, though.

Yeah.

And it's like, man, mom, I do not need to go to college.

especially if these are my jeans you know i'm not gonna accomplish anything yeah mom stop people for 50 for god's sakes drive a master suit

charge ten dollars minimum you're a chemical engineer

who is the jack robinson button basketball ass huh the jackie like the first

black guy i don't know that must have been mind-blowing like all those like short short, like white guys, and then just

the first one just completely wrecking everyone.

That had to have been so disappointing.

But that just goes to show you how quickly they let black people.

Like, it's not like Jackie Robinson, where it took a while.

It was like, the moment a black guy played, they were like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

We got to have these guys.

Like, this is crazy.

They're way better.

We don't even know the guy's name.

By the time he put, like, at halftime, they had signed three other black players after the first black player played in the NBA.

That is funny how much better black people are at basketball.

Yeah.

It's so much better.

Like, statistically, there's no argument about it.

Right.

Because it's got to be a measure of something.

Yeah, for sure.

It's like a specific kind of

spatial intelligence.

Like, just athletic and like spatial intelligence.

Like, LeBron's a fucking genius.

Like, he just under, like, the best basketball players just have a special kind of like intelligence.

Yeah, it's so funny.

It's just like, that's the kind of thing racists just have quit on.

You'll never hear it.

I think a lot of of race realists accept that and then they use it to like fuel other arguments.

They're like, clearly black people are like better at sports because they have like a different set of advantages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or there is selective criminality, so they're dumber than us.

So we need to be putting them in cages to play sports for our entertainment.

Yeah, that's probably

their stance.

I mean, of course it is.

Like, that's obviously the argument that you would fucking make.

Yeah.

You pivot to it quick.

Yeah.

But anyway.

About them Chinese getting mad at

affirmative action.

Did they?

In what sense?

Well, it's because, I mean, Chinese would naturally take over all the schools.

Yeah.

Because.

Oh, they sued the colleges?

They got what they call a celestial brain.

Yeah.

Better at numbers because it's dealing with the gravity of the planets and it's aligned with the stars.

Numbers just come down into their head by divine right.

It's a mandate from heaven that they should solve these math problems.

I thought I read something somewhere where it's like they do teach Chinese people a different method of mathematics early on.

Could be, I mean, I have no fucking idea.

Like a different kind of way to multiply.

Considering the construction of their language might lend it

to mathematical thinking.

But I have no idea.

I mean,

they just work harder.

Like a Chinese parent will beat the fuck out of you if you don't do your homework.

Or learn Suzuki Penny.

I mean, they're not even allowed to wear shoes in the fucking house.

I know.

Which I was thinking about.

We should probably take our shoes off when we go into our house.

Oh, dude, no, you go mud room.

No.

Mudroom.

You want a mud room?

That's like a Midwest thing, right?

Yeah, you have a room with...

No, I was looking at homes upstate.

I was thinking about buying a bunch of acreage upstate.

Nice.

That'd be cool.

All those houses have mud rooms because they got trails.

That's pretty tight.

You got a little room where you take your fucking.

Okay.

I'm willing to accept a mud room.

Yeah, yeah.

I just feel like shoes are dirty as fuck.

They're out on the street.

It shouldn't be in my bedroom.

You know, that's a place for love making.

Beautiful love making.

Talk about glove making.

You know, you get really into being a glove manufacturing.

Listening to Come Town podcast.

It's evolved from fucking to just taking regular things and making them into fucking.

Just saying another word.

A one-two one-two punch puts Trump back on his heels.

How about a one-two punch puts Trump back on his deals?

It's about the book, Art of Deals.

No.

We'll be back after these messages.

Just come down next year as 400 live reads.

That'd be kind of fun.

As I read one headline, I'm like, ooh, pleading guilty, Cohen implicates president.

How about

bleeding

Wilty?

Wilty, his dick Wilts.

Go off King?

Go off King.

Cohen.

Instead of Michael Cohen, it's Michael Cohen Brothers.

Inside Lewin's asshole.

There we go.

Did they do Inside Lewin Davis?

Yes.

Okay.

Inside Lewin's asshole.

Inside out Lewin Davis, and it's about feelings.

We'll be back after this.

We'll be back after these messages.

That's good.

We should do that every five minutes.

Do you need CBD oil to make your dick bigger?

That sounds awesome.

Yes, I do.

The CBD oil, it's a crock, right?

I feel a little chilled out when I take it.

But that's like placebo.

Yeah, it's placebo, dude.

Because CBD oil does not work if you've been smoking weed your entire life.

They don't tell you that.

Because weed already has a shit ton of CBD oil in it.

So if you just, if you're like, you've never smoked before, maybe it'll have some effect.

But if you...

Really?

Well, I've never taken it in my life.

I was taking it when I was getting wound up a couple weeks ago and

I wasn't able to control it.

I was like smoking a lot of CBD oil and it did nothing.

Really?

It did absolutely fucking nothing.

I swear to God I feel a little buzzed, but maybe it's just all psychosuckmatic.

Maybe I should give it to my mom then.

She's never had weed.

My mom came out to the show in Baltimore, by the way.

She sat through the little fetish.

She loved it.

She loved it.

I even did a joke about doing cocaine.

And then I was like, mom, I swear I'm not doing it anymore.

Which I'm not.

She was laughing?

Yeah, she was having a good time.

Did she understand all of it?

Yeah, my mom speaks good English, man.

I wish my parents didn't speak english then i could truly be free my dad doesn't speak english but i don't really speak to him anymore so he can suck my

dick um but yeah we had a beautiful time out in b more uh-huh my little brother selled sold some paintings um shouts out to everyone that came out to be more we never told the story of uh

of the waitress oh yeah

that fucking rule yeah i bet you couldn't tell i got my my hair done because i'm a grandma now yeah she was like owning me too Yeah, she really was.

She's like, you can just ask to sit down.

Yeah.

So we went to a diner after the Autobar show, which was a fucking

Greek town, the classic, the diner of my youth, the Boulevard diner over on Eastern Avenue.

And we had just the most

dundalk trash ass, like, just lived up to the hype waitress.

She got cornrows to celebrate the birth of her granddaughter.

She's like 41 years old, by the way.

She eats cigarette butts.

And she was like, she was like, yeah.

So, you know, my co-worker, she's a Mexican woman, you know, she's from Honduras.

She was just like,

that is

two different countries.

She's a Mexican woman, you know, she's from Honduras.

She took one look at it.

She said that a black girl do that.

And I was like, come on, don't come at me with this race stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She could tell I was playing in the room.

Like, we were all like, she could tell our face was like, if we like laughed immediately.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The woman I work with, she's Mexican.

She was expecting us to be like, Damn!

You got Mexicans.

Mexicans.

I was also wearing that t-shirt with my face on it, and I said RIP, and I went over to the Wawa next door, and there was a man named Stavros working there, and he's just this gay Baltimore guy working in the night shift at Wawa.

He's like, Is that a relative of yours that died?

It does look like your brother died.

I'm shocked that there was another Stavros there, though, man.

Yeah,

There's a gay Baltimore guy at the

hotel downtown.

I can't remember which one it was.

Hyatt or something.

In Baltimore.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the guy

is clearly just has never had another gay friend.

He's not connected.

He's not in the community.

He's not connected to the gay community in any way.

He's just a gay guy.

A gay free agent.

Loose agent.

He's like wearing a suit that doesn't fit at all.

And I mean, and he looks like he manages a national tire and battery.

Hell yeah.

You know, just shitty fucking Hank Hill haircut.

And he's like,

well, we're all out of the king-size bedrooms, but we do have a double queen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, you know, just typing speaking.

It is funny to just see the, like, yeah, the gay guys that have no connection to the game.

Yeah, so they don't know how to be gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't know like the right way to.

Yeah.

They got one part down real good.

You know, they can figure that part down.

Well, maybe he doesn't even know he's gay.

yeah

i have a friend who i grew up with who like just lives with his like old elderly ass grandparents and like sneaks men in and gets fucked in the ass like

it's probably same guy yeah maybe yeah

and uh the his grandmother confronted his brother about it and he was like i know what kind of i know what he is

Which, by the way, just a little, another slice of Greek town, when I bought the house, when I signed the papers, my neighbor just like popped in, and

he popped in to warn me that my other neighbor was gay.

Okay.

He's just like wanting to let me know.

Oh, that's why the property values

are so agreeable.

And he was like, and he's like, good guy, though, but you know.

Just so you know.

Just watch your back.

Next door, you have one.

Yeah.

Damn, I love being a damn homeowner.

I bought a big ass fucking fluffy ass couch.

That was a comfy couch, wasn't it?

Yeah, sort of.

It kept separating underneath my ass.

Yeah, we have to, there was a latch that we didn't do.

We figured that out after you left.

I hate that when a sectional separates.

Yeah.

I used to fuck on one, and it would always separate.

What'd you do about it?

You just have to move.

You got to nail that together or something.

I don't know.

Yeah, we got the little latch going.

I don't plan to fuck on that couch.

I plan to fuck in my bed, but it's very comfy.

And I bought a 70-inch television.

It's going to be funny when you can't fuck anymore from destroying your body.

I will always be able to fuck, dude.

Yeah.

I will find a way.

Even if I'm doing weird shit,

I'm just finger-bombing.

Like in Patrice's last special, he talks about how

he just puts his chin in his girl's pussy and eats her out while she

plays with his nipples.

And it's like, hey, man, if that's where I'm at at 40, that's fine, but I'm going to be fucking, believe me.

Yeah.

So, ladies, I'll always find a way to pleasure you romantically.

Yeah.

If you're so inclined, as to come

play with my little nuts.

No, you don't do that.

Yeah, that's what that's the plan.

I know you're planning on fucking, but uh.

Have you ever tried heroin?

Just get them addicted to heroin instead.

Yeah, okay.

And then they'll be great girlfriends.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, they'll be subservient.

They'll just, no, you know.

Yeah, I love getting people addicted to drugs.

Make sure not talk to their family.

That does sound pretty good.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

That's the ultimate control.

That's a good way to be in relationships with people.

Weinstein accuser denies having sex with a man accusing her of assault.

Damn.

It's all a web of lies.

He's your argento.

Yeah, yeah.

She completely denied it.

And she said that it was Anthony Bourdain, the late Anthony Bourdain's idea to pay him off.

Oh,

not only did she.

Tony's in heaven eating dumplings right now, and this motherfucker.

She threw a dead guy under the bus.

Well, Anthony Bourdain was Jewish, right?

No, he wasn't Jewish.

You sure?

I mean, I'm pretty.

They probably sent him to hell just in case.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He definitely had enough Jewish friends.

Yeah, he's definitely in

Dan, some sort of

ex-hell or something.

What do you think heaven's like, dude?

I think there's a good pussy.

It'd be great if she's lying about having sex with a kid.

About not having sex with him?

Yeah.

No,

yeah, if she did have sex with him, because there's pictures.

There's pictures.

There's a picture of them in bed after, not of her, like

sucking his dick.

They're in bed?

There's a picture of them allegedly in the hotel room afterwards.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Like, taking a selfie.

After.

Like, I think they were shirtless in bed.

Yeah, I mean, the Times is.

I mean, she probably says shit without verifying it.

Can you see her titties in that picture?

I don't know anymore.

The failing New York Times.

I don't know.

Go off, King.

Do some fucking criticism.

Do some of that.

I read the fucking worst op-ed in the Times last night before I went to bed.

That was that guy, Frank Bruni.

I don't know.

And it was like,

Melania Trump has the opportunity to be the greatest,

the greatest first lady of all time.

I immediately checked out on that one.

I read the whole thing, and it was the last paragraph was insane.

Yeah, it's because she's a cold bitch.

It's like, who gives a shit?

Melania's clearly been owning Trump with side eyes.

I think it's just more this fucking liberal fantasy nonsense where.

Well, Milani's a good person.

Well, you know, they did the same thing as a bad person.

You know, Michelle's just sucking Obama's cock right now.

She's just like, oh, yeah, that they have this beautiful love.

Right, yeah.

They just love the idea of like the drama and sexual tension between the first lady and the president or whatever.

Yeah, those people don't fuck in their personal life.

Right, right.

That Hall of Fame.

You know, Eleanor Roosevelt was just giving the pussy up to FDR.

Like, Michelle is rolling off Barack with cum dripping out of her opened pussy.

And she whispers in her ear, my turn.

Oh, yeah, the my turn thing.

That was a Hall of Fame tweet.

That was brutal.

Yeah, that's amazing.

That was one of the worst.

Yeah, yeah.

God, I want to throw up.

Just imagine just fetishizing

the president fucking his wife.

And his wife fucking, but the act of it happening inside the skull of some fucking limp wristed shithead.

Baby boom loser.

Some woman that's never come.

Like, hasn't come at all.

God damn it.

Yeah.

That Care bears woman you know that just getting

a hard taking missionary for like 10 years barack was giving her that bbc

and he was like this is our resistance michelle this is us resisting trump i will say i would watch them have sex they're good looking couple for their age you'd watch anybody have sex that's not true i wouldn't watch

your greek heritage that is just i like melania because i think she's a bad person i don't want to

be a person

i think she's like, she looks good, and she's a bad person.

She's about that money.

She came over from Eastern Europe.

She married some fat loser.

He accidentally became the president.

Good for her.

Get paid, girl.

Why does it have to be anything more than that?

That the president's wife is a whore.

I mean, it doesn't matter.

Who cares?

I don't care.

Yeah.

There's so much other shit going on for people to fixate on that.

Finally, a first lady with some class.

Yeah, but the last paragraph of that, like, Melania Trump thing was like, Melania, go and visit LeBron James's school.

Go have mimosas with Angela Merkel.

Go have a pajama party with Hillary Clinton.

What the?

It's like, why is this being printed?

This is favorite dream.

This is a fever dream.

This is a, like, from a demented person in an insane asylum.

Yeah.

A psycho, even.

A twisted psycho.

Melania.

A joker, if you will.

Go suck off a podcast.

Also, just vice article.

A fucking fat one.

Just lesbians with pussy blood on.

Oh, yeah.

I saw that.

That was brutal.

This is actually a statement about.

It's like, no, it's not.

Having sex on your period.

It's fucking literally weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, but people are.

This is brave.

People are disgusted by women's bodies or whatever.

And it's like, they aren't, but they should be if it's being, you know, a woman with period blood clown makeup

published in a fucking newspaper.

Yeah.

Anyways.

But having said that, we will still fuck if you're on your period.

You know what those women needs do?

They need to put some underwear on.

Exactly.

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So true.

When you're watching the new Red Dead Redemption Trail, get that cock sweat.

Absolutely, dude.

You just can't wait to tie up those bitches and fucking throw them on the train.

Show them on the train tracks, baby.

Scalp some fucking

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Got it done at MacWeldon.com.

They got the great crew necks, fucking all kinds of shit.

All kinds of shit, you fucking idiots.

You know, if you're like one of the like a like a rich white guy or one of those cool black guys who can wear their clothes, you know, maybe a Chinese.

Probably.

Yeah, I would say definitely a Chinese.

I'd say, as long as you're not Indian, you can wear my clothes.

Come on.

Come on.

Most Indians can't.

We're going to lose our sponsors.

Yeah, Mac Weldon, they do allow Indians to use their website.

Mac Weldon, Weldon, you don't know what's now featuring an Indians allowed website.

And if you're thinking Native American, think the opposite.

If you're thinking South Asian, think the opposite.

You're in the races.

They've got a big banner on their website now that says, now dot and feather.

MacWeldon.feather.com.

That's right.

And listen, you get, listen, one of the fucking pairs is too drenched in pussyblood and you don't really like it.

It's got a silver eye on it.

The silver line.

And guess what?

You can keep it, and it'll be fucking funny.

You're messing up the read here, dude.

We were kind of on point.

I was saying stuff that they like about Indian people.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

They wanted him to say that.

That was like the copy.

We need the copy.

You're right.

You know, I don't have the ability to do it.

You're not freestyling this.

Yeah, no.

Nick is so calculated this show is

improv.

Yeah, no, actually.

I spend hours at home crafting

your rants.

Practicing my rants in the mirror, you know, completely nude.

Yep.

We rehearsed three hours before every time you're in the middle of the day.

I just put my back plastic, put my back to the mirror, and I tuck my head between my knees and I stare directly into my asshole.

And I say things like, what if instead of Jim Croce, it's Jim.

And then I just

Ho Chi Minh.

Jim Hochi Min.

Yeah, Jim Hochi Min.

It was me and me.

And then I just spray shit all over my own face.

And you know what?

It wouldn't work if I was wearing Mac Weldon underwear and they're silver-lined.

That's right.

That's really antimicrobial underwear and shirts that suck all the stink off of you, so you don't have to wash them, I guess.

You never have to shower.

You never have to shower, never have to wash the clothes.

And if you don't like them, you can call them up and complain, and they'll refund you.

You know, they'll give you your fucking money back, and you can keep the underwear.

They probably don't want them back because you've

hummed in them.

That makes sense that they wouldn't want the underwear back.

Yeah.

It seems like they're just being nice guys, but honestly, if you were working on the

background and MacWalden, you're like, great, thanks for that.

No, there's a certain type of guy that wants that job.

There's a certain type of person that there's kind of a waiting.

And we're pleased to announce Adam's new job.

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I can't remember for sure.

In that range.

But it's pretty significant because those underwear are hella expensive.

Yep.

Let me tell you, folks.

No, no, no.

Stop.

Stop that.

Read over.

Read over, everyone.

Please go to MacWeldon.com.

Some of the most expensive underwearworks.

No, no, no.

Shut up.

Now they're reasonably priced.

They're the underwear of kings and shaws.

If you're like me and you're used to just buying underwear at Dollar General,

I used to get all my clothes at Dollar General.

I had a beer where it was just like, yeah, why don't you just shop at Dollar General?

I love that.

Get pajama pants.

You get fucking 35

on it all the time.

Stewie with middle fingers.

I used to get, when I first moved, I would get my underwear at the fucking, there's like a discount store in Queens where all the like fucked up clothing they just sell.

Phallus.

Phallus Co.

Yep.

I don't remember what the fuck it was.

D3 or some shit.

Oh, yeah,

D3, yeah.

Yeah.

Or D2.

D squared.

D squared maybe?

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, and the underwear was just the ball, like the cock section was so long.

It was just like

the wind seam was so fucking low.

It looked like just fucking baggy ass.

Fuck it.

I don't know.

It just looked like you're wearing a big-ass diaper, basically.

Great deals.

Great deals.

Plenty of nut room.

But not as good as Mac Weldon.

But you guys, I can't believe it took us so long to bring it up, but of course we got to talk about the VMAs.

I know we all watch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, clearly.

I don't know what you think VMA stands for.

When did the vagina monologue?

I was just going to say that.

Just a couple of bitches on stage.

Just a couple of

who's

fucked up.

My shit is all retorted down there.

I got my fucking cunt wrecked.

I did that.

I already did the, I don't know if I stole it from somebody, but the Leno

vagina monologues.

Have you thinking about that?

The clip?

Have you ever been like the fuck?

What is it?

Like a little button.

When did that start?

Was it just like women talking about it?

I think it was like a 90s thing.

That seems pretty amazing.

That seems like a 90s thing.

Yeah.

You know?

When I first started sending,

I did a joke about an all-men's vagina monologues.

But I think that joke has been maybe done 50,000 times.

Maybe, I don't know.

And I think it has been done also.

Like a gay men's vagina monologue.

Like actually popular.

Barred college or something.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure it's happened.

Damn, I guess there's some men that never see pussies in their lives.

No, no, those guys all like just like closed.

Well, maybe they don't see it because their eyes are closed so hard.

But there are people that have never seen a pussy.

You know what I mean?

There are straight men that have never seen it.

Yeah, that's true.

That's even worse.

That is worse.

You know what we're talking about?

Do you think there are gay guys that like sniff underwear?

That seems horrible.

There's a man's underwear.

Straight guys that do that too.

But they sniff women's underwear because they want to see it.

I told you guys there was that Dan Savage call-in that I heard one time where the guy was like, Dan, I was just wondering every time I go down on my boyfriend and I smell his asshole, I get a little bit high from the shit smell.

And I just want to know, is that like a thing?

Do guys do that to get high?

My man just loves ass that much.

Dan Savage is like, No, yeah, that's what he was.

He's like, No, not at all.

He's like, That's disgusting.

That's fucking gross.

The mummy just has a shit fetish, probably.

Yeah.

You want to talk about a friend of the show, the 95-year-old Nazi that just got deported.

Oh, yeah.

That shit was so funny, dude.

Dude, where am I going to have Nitzel on Sundays?

Ice was bad.

Yeah.

That's like one of those, like, when the cops will murder 15 black kids, and then there's like a video out of like, you know, Hattiesburg.

Look at this sergeant doing a nene.

The nene with an infant black.

We found a black hat

with a black seed, and one of our officers did a gang sign at it to prove that officers are not nice.

Or even service, his service weapon went off three times during the nene, but it had nothing to do with it.

Or even when a white guy gets killed at a traffic stop, and they're like, see, guess what?

We do it to everybody.

Yeah, no, it was so funny.

Nick and I were watching the video of like the local news video of them like wheeling out that corpse of that Nazi.

He was like just clearly like five minutes away from dying.

It was like this big victory.

But some guy in the local news, like you just hear him in the background be like, sir, are you a Nazi?

Yeah, it's just like this.

Fuck the Jews.

No, no.

If you're going to do it, go out.

He couldn't speak or couldn't communicate or anything.

But if I was him, I'd be throwing up middle fingers.

I'd be saying, Highland, you're getting deported anyway.

Who cares?

Go out like a fucking G if if that's what you do.

No, that guy clearly had no control of his bot.

He was a vegetable.

Yeah.

They're literally just like sending.

It would be great if they were really not.

He was like, hell yes, I did it, and I do it again.

I love the Holocaust.

I love doing the Holocaust.

You ain't going to make me apologize.

Queens, baby.

You ain't my real dad.

Look, ain't no such thing as halfway crooks.

Holocaust, baby.

That's how Queens do it.

Queens get live, live, baby.

Queens Bridge in the motherfucking house.

QBO.

She's just rapping the

black guys that have to be like, man, he's right.

He's right.

You know, he's represented on anything.

They may have done the Holocaust, but he made Queens look good.

That's how Queens used to be.

Harboring Nazis and shit.

That's like

the last sign that Queens has been gentrified is that they're getting rid of the Nazi war criminals.

Damn, I used to remember when the neighborhood was.

That juice shop used to be a guy that poured boiling water on twins' brains in Dakao.

Now it's a motherfucking Robex.

Damn, these hipsters are changing our neighborhood.

God damn it.

It is hilarious that he ended up in Queens.

It's pretty fucking

diverse neighborhood, you know?

Queens is super diverse.

Yeah.

You got Nazis, you got Nazis,

Pakistani, a lot of hookahs.

Dominican and Arab style too.

Dominicans love hookah.

Oh, yeah.

Hookah.

Everyone that's beige colored, I feel like, loves hookahs.

No matter where you're from, you know?

Drake probably loves hookah.

Drake still loves hookah.

He still takes hookah selfies.

Yeah, that's just so embarrassing.

Being beige, dude.

That's what it is.

I guess so.

Drake's got...

That's got...

Who do you think's got the best?

If you could be one guy, Drake's got a pretty good life.

Even after that gigantic L he took.

Like, it's like literally 30 seconds later, people were like, oh, yo,

it's a new challenge.

Yeah.

No one gave a fuck about that.

Also, like, what was the big deal of that?

That he had a kid?

I mean, it's pretty funny.

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

He was lying about having a kid.

Okay.

It's pretty funny.

It's not like...

And now the kid's gone.

Like, we haven't heard about him at all.

Drake had a secret child.

He wasn't lying.

He never said, I don't have a kid.

He just didn't say, I have a kid.

Yeah, I guess.

Whatever, man.

He got to fuck Rihanna, even though he fucked it up.

That's a pretty cool the one that got away.

There's no cooler the one that got away than Rihanna.

I know.

LeBron fucked Rihanna.

Yeah, Rihanna loves LeBron.

Actually, you know what?

LeBron's the best guy, probably.

He's the coolest guy to be.

I don't understand how people have that got away situations.

What do you mean?

You know, that people can get that in their head.

What that happens.

Oh, yeah, it's a narcissistic impulse to be like, oh, yeah, I could have had.

No, how you can't frame a thing where it's like, oh, it didn't work out, obviously, for some reason.

It's not like, oh, if I had just done this differently.

You know?

Yeah, I'm definitely a regretting-ass motherfucker.

I always think about that.

Well, your dad, your dad.

I'm just saying that girl in 1981 or something.

He copped dome twice for his life.

Yeah, I've been thinking about her a lot.

My dad was like, he had to go to therapy because I feel bad.

Because he couldn't stop thinking about some woman from 30 years.

Damn.

Well, that's what it is, dude.

I think that's the whole thing.

It's also a marker of a certain stage in your life where you're thinking about your life in those terms.

Yeah.

Well, he said he's like, you know, he's like, I was just having a midlife crisis.

It's like you're 70 years old.

Yeah, yeah.

You're having a right at the end of your life.

No, I'm going to make it 140, dude.

I'm going to make it to 140.

I don't know.

I think about you.

I mean, I feel like I always regret everything.

I've never.

I mean, mean, the only reason I don't have a one that got away is because I feel like I all of them got away?

Well, yeah, I just fucked up every relationship.

Well, because they were too fast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I especially

have a lot of stuff.

I was like, I said, I was too fat.

I can't get over that.

It's disgusting.

I can't believe how.

No, they've all been dime pieces.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

I'm the fat one in the room.

No, I have like the opposite thing where it's like everyone I've dated, as soon as I get like a year away.

I mean, most of the time it's like just a month or so.

Yeah.

You get like a year out, it's like, what the fuck?

Oh, that's a fucking date.

That happens to me too.

I guess, I don't know.

I'd like to be, I feel like I'm finally mature enough to be like legitimate friends with exes.

There was one, the first one, I would like, we would call each other after every breakup.

But then after a while, I was like, you know, within five minutes and talking to each other on the phone.

I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't know.

I'm still friends with like almost everyone I've dated.

We're like still on the other side.

I can't do that.

Yeah.

But,

yeah, it's like, I mean, never would I like smash again.

Yeah, one of, I mean, maybe smash, but not like, yeah, never date.

Date again, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because it's like once you go through the breakup, like

all like you, that's really the most vulnerable part of a relationship.

That's when people really see, because that's you at your worst, right, right, right, for sure.

If somebody like breaks up with you, oh, I hate that.

I hate that someone has seen me touching it.

Yeah, well, you know,

crying in my car.

These are all the times I cheated on you and you didn't fucking know about it.

How about that?

I take that bitch.

Right, yeah.

And then if they get over that and they're like, yeah, you know, people have flaws or whatever.

It's kind of like

it's almost a better relationship to be like broken up with somebody than to even be with them.

I'm really scared that there are just some psycho emails I've sent out there.

Dude, there is nothing more pathetic

than that.

And they're not going away.

I mean, there are no.

There is nothing more pathetic than that email after they've stopped answering your text.

She'll always have

that fucking dirt.

Just wanted you to know a couple things and I'll leave you alone.

14-point breakdown.

I'd have known better than to do that.

I've got it where I type them up in Microsoft Word and it's like, wait 30 minutes, read it back to yourself, realize how fucking stupid this looks, and then delete it.

When I got fired from that job that I got at Vox, I was just drafting psychotic manifestos and then reading them and then like, all right, I think the first paragraph needs to be sent to the

Switch with the fourth paragraph.

Oh, yeah, I would edit them and everything.

Yeah, just psycho shit.

I said about half of them.

Half of them, I know.

A lot of them, yeah, are probably in drafts.

I sent a couple dudes.

Oh, God, I want to kill myself.

Yeah, they're horrible.

They're so embarrassing.

They're so bad.

What is it?

We should read one of them on the screen.

No, absolutely not.

Those die with me.

Give it a gist.

I mean, the thesis is always like, this is why I'm the greatest guy you will ever date, and you are a fucking psycho bitch.

No, was always like, mine was always like that, but then at the end, like, but also, maybe, if, like, you want to get back to the city, oh, yeah, like, you're always psycho, and then at the end, it's like, I love you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's give us a shot again.

I can't stop remembering the good times.

I'll always have them.

God damn it.

She's a fucking mediocre religious.

I know.

She wasn't good.

Just like smoked too much weed, like, didn't really do much.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You're just sad as shit.

I mean, the last, like, yeah, I remember the breakup.

It's tough when a breakup aligns with a horrible time in your life.

Sure.

You know what I mean?

Like, when I first moved to New York, going through a breakup was just like, yeah, me to double-check.

Double depression.

It's like, you just go crazy.

The best was when we met, and we were both gotten just fucking dumped.

Dumped shit.

Yes.

And it was like, you know, wings and drinks.

Yeah, Nick drunk driving me to eat 40 wings at 2 a.m.

Dude, I remember it.

Googling who serves food and beer at 2 a.m.

That was, yeah.

That's like the key foundation to a friendship.

It's just

having a break.

A horrible moment.

Yeah, a horrible moment

in your lives that you shared.

You hit me up.

I was like going through a breakup when I moved here, and you hit me up.

You're like, yo, come to the city and get lunch.

We got lunch.

And I was just ranting at you about it.

I was like, just like losing my mind.

You were not listening.

Yeah, I was like, he's clearly not listening, but I'm just like, I'm ranting.

And then I go home, and then a couple hours later, you upload on Facebook a new Nicole article.

And it's like, actually, the people that dump the people are the real heroes.

Those are the truths.

It's going to of like, oh, god damn it, he was listening.

Part of his brain was mining.

Yeah, there was just some like some straight part of his brain that was like, well, you know, it's funny because it's like, obviously, you can have like empathy for people that they got broken up with, but it's like the only kind of healthy emotional pain, I think, is like the end of a relationship.

Oh, yeah.

It's not like the grief that's attached with death.

It's just something that didn't fucking work out.

Right, right.

It's something everybody goes through.

And you personalize it so that

when you're out of it and you just witness witness someone else go through it, I guess it's like I can be kind of envious sometimes because it's like, oh, it'd be nice to like

to feel that way.

Yeah.

How would it be justified instead of like, you feel everything?

Everything's going great.

I want to put a gun in my mouth.

Right.

There's a reason to be depressed.

Yeah, I know.

It's beyond that.

But yeah, no, it's like

it's sort of like palate cleanse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you can kind of, your life just sort of snakes around.

But you feel at that moment, you feel like this is the worst any human being on earth has ever felt.

No, this is a lot of people.

And then like a couple of people about it, even when I'm in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's like, ah, yeah, this is like.

And then you realize everyone goes through it.

It's nice.

You're not special at all.

There's nothing unique about what's going on.

It adds the right kind of emotional depth to your life that in a weird way, it's kind of like, oh, this makes everything worth it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Interesting.

And then you get out of it and then you're just bored and still want to feel it.

You're bored.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then you're like, hmm, what other woman's life will I be ruining?

And then

she ruins mine.

They just waste six months.

Yeah, yeah.

They don't care at all.

Yeah, it's probably pretty funny.

That's always fun.

You probably look back like, wasn't that hilarious?

You didn't think about that one that got away from you.

Sometimes they date somebody that you actually likes, and then they laugh in bed about how fat you were and how

shitty your dick was.

I don't know.

I always persevere.

You're like, what a loser.

I don't know what I was thinking.

And the guy's like, yeah, that's pretty funny.

No, no women I've dated have done that.

No, absolutely not.

No chance.

Look at this gay Instagram account he's got going on.

They all fuck with the vision.

Absolutely not.

You're both gay.

And actually, it's your ex-girlfriend that do that about you, actually.

Yeah.

They say you're.

My ex-girlfriend's at bed with somebody, and they're like, yeah, and he had this

just disgusting.

No, not his friend.

It was weird because I almost felt like I was fucking him.

He would tell me about things Stop had said right.

Yeah,

no, that's not what they do.

He'd have his finger in my ass.

Stop said the funniest thing about Muslims.

All right, well, that's the podcast for today.

Is that it?

Yep.

Oh, let's plug some shit.

Please, guys, so we're adding a show in Boston.

We're

adding a 6 p.m.

stand-up show.

And if that sells out too, we might even add a late show.

So please come see us.

Cleveland, that has not sold out yet.

Please sell that motherfucker out.

Cleveland on the 2nd.

And then on the 3rd, we are in Boston.

6 p.m.

6 p.m.

stand-up show and an 8 p.m.

live pod, and we might add a late one if those sell out too.

I will be in Cleveland or in Connecticut at the Fairfield Comedy Club on Friday, the 7th of September.

Oh, and tomorrow, the 23rd, I'm in D.C.

The Overachiever Show at the Comedy Loft.

Please buy tickets to that.

If you missed my other DMV dates, Funny Moms on the 27th, Funny Mom's on the 27th, please come out to that.

And then I'm also in New Orleans and Lafayette on the 14th and 15th, and Chicago, the 21st and the 22nd.

Guys, please keep buying tickets to those.

We're adding a third show in Chicago.

I'd like to add a fourth one and really sell the motherfucker out.

Where are you doing?

Lincoln Lodge?

Lincoln Lodge up.

Er, no, no, no.

Yes, Lincoln Lodge.

And then on the 23rd, I'm in Detroit at something called Ant Hill or some bullshit.

I don't know.

Just check it out.

It's on my fucking website.

Stavi.biz.

Thank you very much.

So, yeah, come out to see us at all those dates.

But more importantly, right now, like I said, Cleveland on the second, Boston on the third, the Cleveland-Boston tour.

All right, that should do it for us, gang.

Bye.

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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