Ep. 115 – dont remember

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And we're off.

Hello and welcome to Cometown.

It is I, Stop Rose Hackers, along with Adam Gridland and Nicholas Malin.

Here I am.

We're all having sex.

Yeah.

We're sitting in my living room.

I've just gotten back from the doctor.

We're getting a little sunlight.

We're not in my bed.

What episode do you think this is?

120?

120.

Too many.

This is.

It's fucking insane, dude.

It's too many.

Fuck, Adam.

You're coming.

It's so funny how.

Yeah, no, this is going on way too long.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It should have been a month.

It should have been a month, and then we gave up on it.

It really is like

every other idea we ever have.

Right, exactly.

Like when me and you had that night with Tommy, where we're like, let's write a TV show.

Oh, yeah.

I still think that a couple of things we came up with, we were on a lot of code also.

Yeah, and Tommy disappeared into the bathroom for like an hour.

It was literally more than that, dude.

It was like an hour ago.

He thought he went home and then he emerged from the bathroom and he was like, hey, what's up?

It's like,

what do you mean, what's up?

You've been gone for

more than rush hour.

We saw you at 9 p.m.

That was also the night where Nick said, Do you have a blow guy?

And Tommy said, No, but I fucked a train he wants.

Yeah, respect.

Yeah.

We're all here

reminiscing about times we did drugs.

Yeah.

I just got my diagnosis back finally.

Oh, yeah.

My shit popped straight off.

My tendon, my plantar fascia tore right off my heel bone.

So I'm supposed to.

Did that shit fix itself?

I don't know, man.

I'm supposed to go to physical therapy and shit.

I got to stay off for another two weeks, but I feel like I can't stand that.

Tank Fest destroyed the show.

It really did.

It really did.

We should sue Lewis.

I also got food poisoning that night.

Yeah.

I got poisoned.

Nick's brain got poisoned.

My fucking foot.

I feel like I got injured.

I got my fucking foot off, dude.

Yeah, just getting rid of it.

Odds are, I'm going to fucking get it.

You know, I'm probably going to get diabetes.

So I'm getting ahead of the amputation.

I'm probably going to get diabetes.

None of my family has diabetes.

Really?

Yeah.

It's supposed to get like a sweet tooth.

It just doesn't really affect me.

You saw I came over the other night and ate all those Reese's pieces.

Reese's pizza.

You do eat literally.

Anytime Adam has any sweet snack.

Can't stop.

You actually have eaten probably more of Adam's sweet snacks than I have, which people wouldn't have.

I love candy.

I love candy.

And I'm not afraid to admit that.

See, Nick is growing.

Yeah.

He's accepting parts of the world.

Don't worry, guys.

He's not growing.

Nothing is tricky.

Nothing's going to fucking happen.

I'm still going to be

upset.

Your life's still bad.

You'll find the shit.

You're shaking off the handle at my friends and lashing out at people

and having weird obsessions every once in a while.

Don't ever change, poppy.

Yeah.

We also, Nick and I had a revelation on the way here.

What's that?

But that we sort of need faith in our lives.

Like religious faith?

Yeah, like we sh should join sort of a community.

Yeah, we're going to join the Church of Scientology.

Oh, yeah.

Because ultimately...

Yes.

We're never going to be able to control this fandom.

It's too late.

No.

All the wheels have come off.

Too powerful.

They're going to kill us.

But the Church of Scientology can kill them.

Exactly for us.

Yeah.

Yes.

They're our fucking shield.

Yeah.

We're going to just be in the Sea Org.

We're going to get the costumes.

They bring me into that room where like uh where they have to like tell them your deepest secrets or whatever i'm like i tell people i'm 5'8 but i'm actually 5'7

and they're like you're in

and then they just go murder people

yeah dude they provide the shield they protect their own yeah and then we can we if we wanted to we could be gay like travolta we can we can really flourish with that kind of uh yeah you know my theory is they made travolta be be gay he had too much power interesting that makes sense he was too beautiful he was good.

They made him bald and they made him gay.

Yeah.

Yep.

And then they made him.

I'm ahead of the curve.

They made him jack off.

Yeah.

Which, by the way, I think I want plugs, dude.

Yeah, you see?

I've been researching what Brian on the last episode of

Brian Erlacher's plugs.

Someone DM'd me.

Thank you to the good Samaritan that DM'd me.

It costs about 12 grand to get what Brian Ehrlicher had done.

I'll squirrel that money away.

Yeah, why not?

And I'll take a trip to Chicago.

I'll come back with a fucking.

Let's go at the same time.

I'll get that surgery where they shatter your legs.

No,

you can get pretty tall.

Yeah.

People get there's like Chinese guys that write apps and then they do it.

I was reading like there was a forum for people to do the surgery.

Hell yes.

And

do the cracker bones.

It's so funny.

There's a guy that's like, you can't walk through the body.

He's like, he's like, it's the most unbearable pain I've ever felt in my life.

He's just like in a hotel room, just like crying out to the heavens because his bones have been shattered

and fucking stretched.

And then it's like, well, my girlfriend broke up with me because she didn't understand it.

Yeah, it's stupid.

It's stupid as shit.

But how much taller can you get?

You can get like three inches?

Yeah, three inches.

Whoa, okay.

And how long do you have to do that?

Imagine how much people would respect me if I was just a surprise.

Okay.

Yeah, no.

It's months.

They shatter your legs and then slowly stretch them out as new bone fills in.

And it's just like it's like having braces.

You just have to lie on the floor of a hotel room and down Oxycontin and scream.

Here's what I'm saying.

We do it at the same time.

Yeah.

Okay.

We get a suite, a beautiful hotel suite.

And

we go to China and we don't do OxyContin.

We go to fucking, we take in the culture.

We do opium dens.

We get those long little Chinese ponytails

with the little ribbon at the bottom.

And then what's, you know, we're getting fucked up Chinese ladies to suck us off.

Yeah.

where you know Adam will go out and get us dumplings.

Uh-huh.

I like this idea, dude.

It's a great idea because we can keep podcasting through this, through this unbearable pain, yeah.

No, I mean, we'll keep podcasting through everything, yeah, of course.

The podcast will never end,

but what I'm saying is we should

tragic.

We should hole up in the fucking, where should we go?

Shanghai, Beijing, yeah, Penny.

How about Bangai?

Bangai?

Yeah, oh, yeah, there you go.

You still got it.

What elective surgery will you get while we're getting our legs straight?

We were laughing earlier today about some sort of like

summit between Trump and Xi Jinping or whatever.

And like Xi Jinping will be like,

And then the translator is like, There will be many moons before we have peace between the Empire of China and the United States.

And then Trump just goes, That's what Xi said.

And then

slam dung.

No matter what he says, you just say that's what she said.

Ultimate own.

That is a good own.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That would be fucking good, dude.

Yeah.

They should do.

He should do that.

Yeah,

that's what she said, or he's like, no,

just no.

Yeah.

I know you are, but what am I?

Gay.

Sounds gay.

Yeah, that's good, dude.

That's good diplomacy.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Now Now I'm just thinking about myself 5'10 with a fucking full head of hair.

Yeah.

How much fucking teeth?

Bro, I need to disappear for a year and come back 5'10, hair, teeth,

everything.

You gotta go to one of these.

Everything.

Looking like a normal ass guy.

Just tanny.

Just not somebody that's insanely lucky.

Yeah.

He's a normal looking guy.

Yeah, I know.

That's the glow up for me.

It's just not a fucked up guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I look like out of context.

Walking boot, toothless, fatty shit.

God damn it.

I used to want to be able to just put my brain in, like, a robot.

Yeah, I remember.

Now I know that won't work either.

Why?

When I just want to be replaced with a robot that says the same things as me.

Oh, so you will not be feeling anything.

I'm dead.

It's kind of like fucking.

A soundboard.

It's basically what I want to...

My final form.

That's basically fucking a woman with a strap-on.

You wear the strap-on.

That's true.

The robot would be the strap-on, and

as your dick disintegrates

and goes to Valhalla.

Well, we're all going to have to wear strap-ons once this climate change thing happens.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I don't know if that's going to be a good idea.

I thought I could

calm Nick down from his own anxiety about his own life, and I was like, you should read that thing.

I of course did not, but what happened?

Oh, yeah.

New York Times magazine.

Yeah, it's

I mean, I just skimmed the article.

It's great, but you know, I mean, it's huge.

Damn.

And that's actually a lot of fun.

That's what she said.

Yeah.

And

my dick.

And so fucking

we're going to do it.

Yeah, I can't remember any detail.

No, I was trying to pull

any.

I was trying to extract any detail that I could possibly remember from the article.

And I didn't remember any of the

guy with weird hair named like Scarfarelli or something.

Pomerani.

Pomerance.

Okay.

Scarfarelli's a better.

There's a guy named Pomerance or something.

Okay.

Yeah.

And the world.

Did you have a Pomeranian?

No.

No.

Pomerance.

Pomerance the Pomeranian would be a cute guy.

They did put in the article that he was.

He was 6'4.

Well, anyways, we've we've known about climate change since 1896 or something.

Nice.

Damn.

And we knew that fossil fuels were destroying the world.

In 1979, there was an opportunity to be like, okay, well, we can do something right now to change this, and no one did anything.

And now it's like the damage is irreparable.

The temperature is going to rise by like one or two degrees Celsius or something in the next 40 years, which means that there's

like Europe's in like permanent drought.

That's fucked.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, the entire, like, uh, Boston and Miami don't exist.

Where should we move?

New York City, baby.

West Virginia.

Are we going to be underwater?

Countryman.

So if Miami's going to be underwater, then

is Tallahassee going to be where all the Cuban bitches are?

Yeah, dude, they're just going to go inland.

You know what I'm saying?

We go.

Dr.

Tallahassee, he can just go roaming Badlands for pussy.

He's just got like pieces of a broken robot.

He's trying to trade to some mutant, guy with two heads.

We've got Cuban horse.

Don't sell him the Cuban horse.

Shut up.

Just like a two-headed mutant.

It's going through the desert.

Here, I've got this bopper.

Can I get some Cuban pussy?

You've got like this biomechanical arm, but all the fingers are just kebab skewers.

Yeah.

God damn.

That shit.

That shit would rock.

Yeah, dude.

I got like a Trans Am, you know, just driving through the desert.

Yeah, Mad Max style.

Mad Max style.

I love that.

Yeah.

just

going to the ends of the earth, and it's like, I'm trying to find the last of the posts about me.

I have to destroy all of them.

It's my purpose in this life.

Seek out and destroy all of the posts.

Hell yeah, dude.

That'd be cool, dude.

I can't wait for the dystopian future.

Yeah, I've been playing a game that's sort of a dystopian.

Horizon Zero Dawn.

You guys are

going to get rules, dude.

I bet it would look sick on my TV.

It would.

I've been playing God of War.

Yeah.

It's great.

You know, it's funny.

I went to the gym today, and it's like,

in times of despair, I should look more to the good King Felix for his.

I mean, it really is like gym, gaming, autism.

Don't fuck with it.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the formula, bitch.

Do not fuck with it.

Do you need pussy?

If you wade out into the dangerous waters of emotional maturity, you're going to drown, especially a guy like me.

Oh, yes.

You don't want

gaming?

No mirrors.

You don't want to look at yourself emotionally or physically.

Absolutely not.

Not at all.

No.

Snacks, gaming, gym.

Yes, bitch.

It's got it down to a science of this.

Just your body looking like absolute shit.

No one can tell how much you can lift.

But you're strong.

You're strong.

And you're not going to get any fights because you still are a bitch.

Right.

You're still a coward.

You won't ever defend yourself.

But take a look at my fucking KD ratio in Battlefield 1.

Who's a pussy now?

Why don't you spend 11 hours a day gaming?

That's right.

Just gaming over and over and over again until you really think you're in World War I.

You're a Russian woman that's saving Russia from.

Until you choke Armenian you think is from the fucking Ottoman Empire.

You just have a flashback.

By the way, did you see that fucking

Sasha Baron Cook?

I just watched the latest one, dude.

The latest one wasn't.

Was that the one where they put the guy in a turban to be Muslim?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It was fucking unbelievable.

He's playing a little flute to get the snake out.

He's like, what have you been eating?

He's like, I just had hummus.

I'm a Muslim man.

I was just here trying to summon this snake and eating hummus.

Dude, the sultan hat and the fucking sultan hat, little fat white guy, is such a good fucking hat.

Thanks, dude.

Thanks.

Yeah, man, I know you wrote that.

That's it.

I'm just going to start saying anytime that show comes up.

Oh, thanks, man.

Thanks, yeah.

Excuse me?

Yeah, it's like when people come up to you after the show, and so many people are just, you know, all pla good set or whatever.

Doesn't you know, they don't mean it, they're just being nice to you.

You know, oh, thanks, thanks.

And then someone will come up to like just be like, Where's the bathroom?

Or you know, they'll like

a neutral comment.

You'll be like, oh, thank you.

Oh, now I really feel like an asshole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, thank you, man.

Yeah, yeah.

I was saying last night, or the wor what's even worse is when they quote the other comics joke to you,

which happens so much.

To you?

You would never consider that it happens, yeah, a good amount, but it's like you you would think that would be impossible.

But it fucking, it's like, dude, that thing you said about your wife is so good.

Yeah.

Fuck, man.

Yeah.

Somebody eating pussy for you.

You know I don't know.

That thing you said about

everyone thinking you've been in jail because you're a black man.

And yeah, you have been in jail.

Nick was, when we were, he was sad in D.C., we like completely did not appreciate the fact that Dark Mark was featuring on two of the shows that we were on.

Hell yeah.

We completely missed out.

Dark Mark, baby.

Shout out to you.

Yeah.

Mark's funny.

Yeah.

Fuck.

You know, is it?

I think I realized I'm more anti-Semitic than I thought because I was watching a religious chopped and I was vehemently rooting against the religion.

Yeah, I just fucked some Jewish girls.

You do.

Honestly, I do.

I'll be honest with you.

That kind of solved it for me.

Being anti-Semitic?

Just smash some J-Birds and it just

go right away.

It has no idea.

Do you know anything?

Yeah, right.

For Jewish girls.

Yeah, no, that's the opposite

you can't.

They're awful.

It's like having sex with your mother.

Which is the ultimate, actually.

Which is hot.

Yeah, that's sick.

Yeah.

It's like, it's like.

It probably makes you feel disgusted with yourself.

But yeah, you fuck Jewish girls.

It's like.

Have I fucked Jewish girls?

They like to suck dick.

I think I've only fucked one or two Jewish girls.

Sorry, the recorder fucked up.

The recorder fucked up.

We put it in Adam's ass.

But I have never.

I can't really.

I had a big crush on a Jewish girl my freshman year of college.

And by the time I actually finally like hooked up with her and I was I was so shocked that she wanted to fuck she had a vagina yeah she had a pussy because they teach us yep the circumcision Gentiles yeah the females dude honestly the boys and the girls get circumcised yeah I blew it so hard because I had never fucked it was I was 19 I had not fucked yet and I just did not think it was possible this girl would want to fuck me so she like got almost naked and I didn't I thought I was gonna go home we went to like the movies or some shit

went to like a shitty diner.

I really blew it on this date.

This really was like me realizing I have to get my shit together.

And I just got into the bed, just fully clothed, just in like my khakis,

like my fucking, I had some stupid, like, I just even stupider back then.

I had like a graphics tee, but uh, on top of a long-sleeve white tee, you remember that look?

Oh, yeah, the long-sleeve white tee with like a bucket.

And I just like pawed at her pussy and like didn't really, she was just totally, she was like, you can do more.

And I was like,

No problem.

And I was just so nervous.

And like, fucking tragic.

It was so, I was also fat as shit.

I was like 325.

Damn.

It was like at the top of my fatness, horrible, stringy hair, right before I was like, all right, I'm bald.

Am I kidding?

It was honestly the low point of my life.

And she started dating.

She actually started dating a Jewish guy from Detroit, and I'll never forgive him.

Some guy named Aaron.

I lost my virginity to a Jewish girl at obviously at camp, at summer camp.

And I sat next to her at a wedding

like two years ago with her, and on the other side of her was her husband.

We were like put at the same table.

I had never met him before, but he was like Middle Eastern, like Persian Jew.

But he looked exactly like Tiger Woods.

I can't, I couldn't get over it.

There's Persian Jews that look like Tiger Woods.

And then she's like, How's everything going?

I was like, oh, it's pretty good.

Pretty good.

Like, me and my friends just started a pod.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

And then I was like, I told some guys who were like, what's it called?

I know.

What's it called?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

And And then her husband's like, I was like, oh, what do you do?

He's like, I'm at Ernst ⁇ Young.

Just rich as fuck.

And I was like, just something came over me.

I was just like, do people tell you you look like Tiger Woods?

Like, almost exactly like Tiger Woods?

And he's like, yeah, all the time.

Of course they tell him, Adam.

What the fuck?

Fuck you.

Whatever, dude.

She got a titty reduction and a rhinoplastic.

That's it, man.

I'm sure I've said this before.

I support a woman's right to choose.

It should be against the law.

That you should be in jail for getting aggress reductions.

Slap it on the face.

Every ounce of titty meat you chop off, that's a fucking year in jail.

You should be thrown in fucking jail, dude.

It's murder.

I don't understand how you can't do that.

Titty reductions are murders.

It's murder.

Look, abortion.

Go crazy.

No, you're killing a very important part of my soul.

Yeah.

The part that gets horny when I look at titties.

I'm telling you.

You're robbing me of a part of titty meat I can't get horny to.

I was hanging out with Jake the other day, and like, I don't know, I just felt like shit or whatever.

And then,

like, just some woman walked by with this just outrageous ass that we saw at the same time.

It was like, nice.

You know,

it's like a sunset or whatever.

Yeah, of course.

What you're doing when you get a breast reduction is you're

destroying the sun.

Yes.

Yes.

One of the seven beautiful.

You're taking, you're nuking the skies, taking it away from all of the

the radiance of your painful,

problematic breasts that are probably ruining your life.

But also, they got braces.

They got back braces.

They got all sorts of stuff.

We're going to get you like

that.

Talk to us.

Okay, here's what we're saying.

We're getting one of those little rolling medicine cabinets that you're going to rest them on.

If you're thinking about getting a breast production, please come to us first.

We will cover the costs for you to maintain your team.

Get them made bigger.

Yes.

Actually, yes, that's that's

what we will do.

We will get you in point.

Just imagine that doctor that's like, oh, breast reduction.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

I fucked up.

Yeah, no, surgery would work.

Well, we're out of anesthetic, so I guess maybe you should leave.

Just let me get it.

It just takes his phone out, starts taking pictures.

Yeah, yeah.

Before you make any decisions,

why don't we see how you look with this fucking filter?

Have you guys ever sexted with a Diagram filter?

No, a Doctor?

Have you?

Yeah, dude.

I always put my dick on toaster.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Valencia.

No, I meant the little like Snapchat stolen ones, like the little dog.

Oh, like the cat.

Yeah.

Oh, I found out recently why girls do the dog.

Because it makes your eyes bigger.

It makes your face look less fat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All those filters do that shit.

Yeah, yeah.

They have big-ass eyes.

I mean, I'm still, I don't use Snapchat at all.

I don't send Snapchat.

Instagram video does it.

But goddamn, if I don't enjoy the shit out of putting myself in African and Indian men's faces with the facewap thing.

That's just for you.

And it's just for me.

I just sit there for hours.

That's Martin Luther King.

When do you bring me these coconuts?

Because it's not.

This is my house.

You cannot just talk to myself.

Hours.

How dare you do this to me?

For no one.

For no one.

You're not recording it.

You're just looking at it.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like, you know, it's things like that.

It's like, yeah, I don't need fucking therapy most of the time.

No.

You know, I have my own resources.

That's right.

That's right.

I just need a bunch of bananas.

Put an Indian guy's face on me.

Where are the gels?

Show me where the gels have gone to.

Are they in the bathroom?

If there are gels in the bathroom, I want to go in there too.

Don't worry, I have been videotaping that.

I have been cleaning my penis all day in preparation to meet the Geralds.

And I cannot wait.

The one thing I cannot wait for is to meet the Geralds in the bathroom with my very clean penis.

It is so very clean for you.

Hell yeah, dude.

I just watched A Little More Dragon Ball.

Yeah.

The original Dragon Ball series.

Getting into that shit.

And it's hilarious.

I wish I could just regress into childhood.

Well, dude, because I've been so depressed that I just am watching things that make me feel comfortable.

I did that too.

I was in a comedy condo

when I thought I had like syphilis or something.

I had this like horrific sore on my dick.

Nice.

Just like a monster.

It was like a nickel or dime size.

It was a pretty fucking big.

Open wound.

Pus coming out of it.

Half my dick was like purple.

Hell yeah.

And I went to Plan Paranoid and they were like,

oh, you got symptoms?

And she like yells at across the room.

I think I told this story already.

But I was like, yeah.

And she's like, well, you got to make an appointment.

And I had to go on the week and do like a week in Appleton.

And yeah, I just spent like the whole week in that comedy.

Also, bombing the entire week.

Just having horrible fucking sex.

Because you think

that's the Ryan Stout.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just doing terrible and then like nursing this dick wound with oil of oregano in the bathroom.

Just like a picture of oil of oregano dropping on this

like purple, swollen, just like a bunch of stuff.

Just fucked up.

Yeah.

Just really like a rotten rotten Twinkie, basically.

Just all like pussy.

Yes, hell yeah.

And then I sat in bed and I watched Iron Giant, which I hadn't seen before.

And it was like, why don't I do this all the time?

Yeah, dude.

But I've tried and I can't.

It doesn't work for me.

Well, if you haven't seen it, it's big.

Because what you're doing when you see the old shit is just like making you...

You're literally just going back when you were a little kid, watching Saturday Morning.

Yeah, well, that shit just fucked me up.

I dated this girl and she put on like all dogs go to heaven one time.

And it's like, first of all,

you're 30 years old

don't do that that's just it's weird it's like it weirds me out that kind of shit weirds me out yeah yeah and uh yeah it's like I haven't thought about it in a long time so whatever feelings it elicits are like

like uncomfortable you know like there's no I don't like feel good about watching shit like that even they like remember when we would go over to like Romaine's house and watch the Simpsons yeah that would do that shit to me really yeah like old Simpsons episodes

you know what it has like a

kind of weird emotional wave no I'm with you because I think they have their fucking holding like fucking memory.

Specific ones hold specific things.

Like certain movies you'll just throw on.

I feel great.

I'll watch Hercules right now.

I'll watch Milan right now.

Up I can get into, but up I saw as an adult.

Yeah.

Up is good as shit.

Up I smoked a fucking fat dubster on the way to White Marsh Mall.

Me and my cousin just went together.

It was like one of the nice little cousin dates we had.

Oh, yeah, it's always nice.

And

I started crying.

I was stoned to shit.

Oh, yeah, well, we should take a bet on

whether you'll cry at the end of this episode.

Okay.

Best way to do that, betthsi.com.

Thanks.

Thank you.

We got to stop introing it that way because when you hear gambling, it's like it was an organic thing like two or three times.

Yeah.

Now it's just painfully obvious.

Betthsi.com, they've been in business over 20 years with a history of paying out winners, and they got

great winners.

Easy-to-use mobile interface.

Even though we gave everyone some losers

last time.

Sorry.

Yeah, don't, whatever we'll pick things sincerely, in earnest.

And then you do the opposite of that.

Yes, the Costanza method.

Right, exactly.

Did we steal from Seinfeld again?

Have I done it?

Probably.

Costanza, that was an episode where George does everything against his better judgment, like against judgment, and his life starts going great.

Yeah, place bets on how often we're going to steal Seinfeld bets on the show at betsi.com.

They got an easy-to-use mobile app, PlayBetWin.

Check it out.

And they offer live in-game wagering.

Damn.

So I'm still not exactly.

I don't know what that means.

That means like, let's say you fucking, let's say, you know, you bet the, let's see, a football game, you bet the Patriots to win plus seven, and then they're fucking losing or whatever, then you could just, you could bet

the team they were playing to win the second half and try and like

cover your fucking bases, basically.

So it's just like it's some fun or you can also do fun shit like will some guy score you know 20 points in the third quarter or some shit like that.

I only bet on injuries personally.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Will someone have a horrific concussion or blow out a knee?

Blow out a knee.

Yeah.

Tear their plantar fascia heroically and still continue the game on.

I think they do probably have injury bets.

I don't think they do actually.

They don't?

No.

Well anyways, you don't accept our explanation of what that is.

You can call up their customer service, which is available 24-7, 365 days a week.

Wow.

You know, call them up.

Tell them you're going to kill yourself.

They're there 24-7, and they have to say something.

And those guys are going to reach out and get something back

from somebody.

Why not?

And those guys are in the good old US of A, those customer services.

We don't know that, actually.

So

if you get some cologne-drenched Indian man that's just waiting for his business.

Just know that he can hear the X-Bodies.

He's got an hour shift at the call center where he makes makes one rupee a day to end so he can go, you know, collect the girls, the blind girls that sing for money.

Over here, girls.

I will take him back to the orphanage.

What's up, girlfriend?

Yeah, call up that guy.

Complain to him about whatever.

24-7, 365 days a week with betsi.com.

And if I tell you what, we had to change the promo code because people were winning too much, not really based on our predictions, but because you're better at gambling.

Just off our good vibes.

Yeah, so if you want to go there, you can use promo code CUM120.

You get 120% bonus on your initial deposit.

That is opposed to the old promo code of COME25, which they had to change it around a bit.

They'll still honor the old one, I think, for a little bit if you call customer service or something.

Yes, we will give it to you the old one.

Yeah, but for now, it's promo code CUM120.

And they had to do that because they were losing money.

Yeah, always.

You broke the bank, dude.

Always a good sign when a company's losing money.

Always, you know, that's something, hey, that's something you can bet on.

Bet on whether Methusi will be around in two weeks.

That's a perfect thing.

You can bet on that.

Check it out.

And then what do we got coming up?

I guess some UFC shit.

Didn't that shit just happen?

Yeah, it already happened.

But you guys got anything?

And we gave you losers.

This is the worst time, honestly, for sports, but I don't know.

Bet on the WNBA.

Bet on the Las Vegas Aces because they're Adam's hometown.

Yeah, yeah, you know, I go hard for the Las Vegas Aces.

Vegas braces and it's 12-year-old girls.

No,

no.

Aces are helping.

What's up, sweetie?

You working?

You working, sweetheart?

Yeah, me and my brother Tony, we're here from Staten Island for the weekend, looking to have a good time.

We're here for a cup stacking convention, sir.

Excuse me.

We came to see tiny in New York.

We don't.

My daughter is not working.

This is why we came to see tiny New York, to avoid you.

To avoid having my daughter solicited for sex.

I told you that.

So bet on that.

Bet on, you know, whether or not your daughter will be solicited for sex in Vegas on betthesi.com.

And we're back.

I told you, we went, my grandparents were visiting us when I was a kid.

We got to blow my nose, everyone.

We went to the Caesars Palace, like the forum shopping center.

They had like Nike Town there and stuff.

You take your grandparents when you're there.

This woman like taps my dad on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear.

And I'm like, and then he like walks back to us and then

my grandpa was like, oh,

what was that about?

My dad just really loudly goes, she's a prostitute.

It was a prostitute.

Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

It was a prostitute.

What if your dad disappeared?

He was asking me to pay her for sex.

What What if your dad disappeared for 10 minutes, went to the bathroom, and just smiled the whole way back?

I would be fine with that.

I'll go a little strange, Adam.

Sex work is labor or something, or I don't know.

We hate to go too DSA on you guys.

Dick suck.

Yeah.

Dick suck, Adam.

Would you consider yourself a chex worker?

Like checks worker?

Yes, yeah.

If you get the muddy buddies chex mix, dude, I'll do whatever you want for me.

Remain that money buddies chex mix.

Yeah.

They're at the chex mix sex worker.

The chex mix Chex Worker, and it's like a little Chex guy with eyes and a bunch of holes, and they're just all being fucked.

And he's like, I never get soggy.

You can fill me with cum, and I never get soggy.

It's jit.

It's right.

It's just a bunch of like cows, and the butters are like nine dicks, and they're fucking the Chex Mix Chex worker.

And he's like, Look how non-soggy.

Piss all over me.

These are all little assholes.

Yeah.

Hey, kids, check out new Chex.

Just some cow with nine cocks.

Soaking that piece of cereal in combo.

Hell yes, nigga.

I love that, dude.

I like that he's a man, too, you know?

Because everyone thinks sex workers are.

I still got love for the riff game.

Yeah, dude.

It's still in my heart.

It's still there, dude.

You can't take it away from me.

You gotta riff hard, dude.

You gotta riff hard.

Riff hard.

I'm gonna be, I was telling her, I'm gonna be the Tanya Harding of riffing.

Okay.

You know?

Yeah.

People can't handle my etiquette.

You know?

Yeah, you're too.

You may lash out at people and commit, just be really horrific to them.

Consider murder and then

get talked down to just crippling.

You're denying that.

Right.

Your technical scores are high, but your artistic scores are always way low.

Very, very fucking low.

What's the triple axle of almost saying the N-word?

I think it's a Negro-colored and

what's one more?

Come on, you can do better than that.

You're right.

I

You could have done better than that, I could have, man.

African American.

I don't know, man.

Now my confidence is shot, dude.

So you are Tanya, dude.

People don't want to fucking.

A lot of people don't know this because they're listening to the show, but I'm actually wearing a dress right now.

Yeah, it's true.

I'm dressed exactly like Tanya Harmon.

Sort of rhinestone numbers.

It's just a big blue dress.

You know, and I've got as poofy as hair and pink crimps.

Your hair is crimped.

Yeah, Harley Quinn makeup.

You got a bad attitude.

Oh, yeah.

You're dancing to original motion picture soundtrack from

with the Suicide Squad.

That's what your ice dancing is about.

A lot of people also don't know that Nick's mom is at every recording of the podcast putting cigarettes out.

She's

smoking.

Calling him a warm-up.

Cutting myself with the ice skates.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

If your mom was just

in the room for every app.

Do

the thing about the juice?

Yeah.

Come on.

Say more juice.

Come on, man.

Talk about the Jews.

You know, it's so funny.

It's like the, you know, like, I'll get like messages from people.

And it's like, especially over the last couple of years, it's like been so easy for people to see things on like su a superficial level and be like, well, these people are Nazis, so they're bad.

And these people are leftists, so they're good.

It's like, it's bullshit.

I mean,

like, just very Nazis are the good.

Politics, it's not that they're good, it's just that, like, politics mostly online are like superficial.

Yeah.

But I'll get like, I'd be like messaging people like, hey, man, like, hope you're all right.

By the way, all of the Jews in your life are trying to convince you to take medicine.

And it's like,

you can't help, but, like, you know, sort of be moved by the concern or whatever.

Very nice.

But it's like,

okay, well, I'll try it.

I'll keep that in mind.

If exercise and eating right doesn't work, I'll try and eliminate all the Jews.

Yeah.

It might help.

Yeah.

It might help.

Oh, Oh, fuck.

But yeah, honestly, when I was watching that rabbi just fucking

being too Jewish on chop, it made me annoyed.

There was a

guy's grocery games Jr.

I watched.

Okay.

And one of the kids was wearing a yarmulke.

And he's like, I want to be a chef, but I only cook kosher with you.

Yep, yep.

This guy only did kosher with him.

And I was like, I was actively rooting against him.

Yeah, I did.

There was something about him.

I'm a huge fan of Guy.

Yeah.

I guess you know what it is.

It feels like they're all trying to be funny because there's been so many Jewish comedians.

I feel like they're trying too hard to be funny.

Like, I'm like, stop doing that Woody Allen impression.

There were, there used to be, you don't see it anymore.

I feel like it was a thing like 15 years ago.

But there were these like theatrical Jewish guys that would get into comedy.

Awful.

There was a guy I just told Adam about him the other day.

I'm not even going to say his name or whatever.

Because I'm done with that kind of thing.

Harassment.

Google it.

Honestly, you know, it's

it's behind you.

Yeah.

Anyways, it's

going to be great.

I'll continue to figure it out.

Like the one side that's done is.

I just have to accept the fact that I'm a bad person and I harass people because it's funny to me.

You are.

Who cares?

Right.

I guess it's not going to change at this point.

We're bad people, man.

It's not.

We're entertaining, at least, and we try and curb how bad we are.

If we can be a little less bad than we were yesterday, man, that's all.

Nope.

Nope.

I was having a crisis about it every couple of years.

All right, that's fine.

Anyway, whatever.

So this guy, Lee.

I mean, that is his name.

Liam?

No, it was a guy, Leo, but he would do comics.

He fucking, you know, he would go on stage and he's like, and here we are on this earth, and people are doing things,

you know, and it's like, shut up.

What is this fucking stupid comment?

Yeah, it was like so embarrassing to watch.

Yeah, just some like New Paltz or White Plains, like, you know, Jewish kid.

Go to theater school.

Right, exactly.

And he's like, and now I do comedy, you know, and it's like, it's just, I fucking hated that guy.

And me and my friend Brandon, I used to bring my friend Brandon to open mics.

And we were leaving one time.

My friend Brendan was like, yeah, that fucking guy Leo is a fucking loser.

That guy sucks dick, dude.

He should fucking kill himself.

And he's like, he was right behind us.

He's like walking down the street and this man with this

stupid fucking like burying the pain smile on his face, like, you know, having to listen to

a 17-year-old boy.

yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, just shit all early.

Yeah, yeah,

fuck me.

But yeah, there was a, I remember there's like, there used to be more guys like that, the theatrical Jewish guy.

It feels like they're overdoing the voice, too.

For sure.

I don't like to date, I like to date women.

Yes, you know, but I'll take what I can get.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know,

she just suck.

No, no, that's just all they are.

That's so good.

That's exactly what they're like.

They do be like that.

They be like that, dog.

Fuck you.

Yeah, that's awful.

Yeah.

Yeah,

that tick is kind of gone for me.

Stand-up now.

The LA thing is, they're still doing that, right?

What?

The da-da-da.

Oh,

I don't know.

I mean, I haven't been to Los Angeles in forever, so I don't know.

And like the over-generalization about

what L.A.

comics versus New York comics are.

I mean, there's there's like there's a lot of overlap, but no, I think it's, I do think there's something to it.

There is, there is, they're more, there's less punchlines, and there's more like just stories about seeing a minor celebrity.

Yeah, something happened to stand up where you could get, I mean, this is like, we've already discussed all this bullshit, but you could just get away with

just mannerisms and stuff.

And like, so that's a thing, you know, yeah, so that's the thing, yeah, that's a thing.

And a big thing, like, seven years ago or whatever,

a lot lot of people, you know, they would be like,

I'm not very good at dating because I have social anxiety.

Yeah.

This robot arm, like, singing.

Singing.

Singing punchlines, baby.

I don't know how emotions work.

They would do this, like, weird robot arm thing that I don't know what.

It was definitely out there, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The only good comedy is about.

It's funny because it's like Live at the Purple Onion is probably currently the most influential stand-up comedy.

The characters.

Yeah, this is a character I'm working on, but everything about it, I mean, you still see the damage that special did to stand-up.

And, like, I mean.

Well, he just did one-liners, right?

He did one-liners, but so many characters.

And it was so funny.

It was so great.

Yeah, it was a great special.

And he's a great artist because he just moved on the way.

Yeah, now he's an actor.

Yeah, yeah.

And shouts out to him.

Zacky G has just, like, actually has fucking didn't sell out, like, wouldn't do shit for Nike because there's wet shop guys.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's a good dude.

He's like one of those rich guys guys that drives a shitty car.

Yeah, I fuck with him.

He also told a story about Greek discrimination in the South where his uncle.

They're from Creek.

I will not be a shitty car rich guy.

No, you're not going to be able to get it.

You're going to be Jay Leno.

Oh, yeah.

I would love that, dude.

We were laughing about Jay Leno killing himself

and turning all those cars on.

Turning 2,000 cars on.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

Yeah, I'll see you all later.

Goodbye, cool world.

though,

doesn't he jump?

Life really sucked.

You know who all sucks?

Monocle Winsby, huh?

Is Jay Leno's bottle log while he's killing himself?

Oh, dude, this gas really smells bad.

You know what it smells like?

Is the Connolly Rice's puffy?

You know that?

Bad, that probably.

Didn't we also have a different Jay Leno?

Oh, yes, rapist Jay Leno.

Well, what about this guy?

Hello, Bob, Bob.

Day Renault.

Oh, hey, right.

Yeah, me, Day Renault.

Wow,

Monica Rewinski.

Jay Renault, baby.

Rapist Jay Leno, suicidal Jay Rena.

Jay Leno and Chinese Jay Reno.

Yeah.

Dab.

Yeah, that's good.

Jay Leno was basically just

stole Seinfeld's already kind of whatever idea for a show.

He just drives people around in his cars.

There's no coffee.

Just eliminated the coffee.

I think that there was probably a time where Jay Leno felt like Seinfeld was copying him by being a car guy.

So I think he's copying back.

Interesting.

Because he's like, car, it's my thing.

Yeah.

How is it true going to take all my cars?

Were you saying that joke of Jerry Seinfeld is doing that?

Oh, yeah.

His new opener is like...

This is the worst joke anyway.

I'm probably butchering it.

Where'd you hear it?

I saw some video of him in the last two years, and his opener is like,

so

what do you say when you get a cab?

You say you catch.

You catch a cab.

Oh, I saw that.

You cat.

Yeah, yeah.

Take a lift, catch a cab.

You catch.

Yeah.

And then what about Uber?

What do you say?

And then people are like,

you know, you call an uber.

You.

Yeah.

You know, he's like, you know, you don't say call Nuber.

What do you say?

And he's like, going around the room.

Does he say take?

And he's like, you take.

You take the Uber.

And it's like, people say take a cat.

Like, it's not that easy.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

It doesn't make any sense.

No, no, no, that's not.

And my favorite thing about Seinfeld now is that he's like...

Him and like, I guess he's been influenced by like Chris Rock and like a lot of other comics.

Like, he's like really upset about PC culture.

And he's like, I won't even do colleges anymore because of the PC culture.

But it's like, what about your act?

It's not politically correct.

I know.

Like, how are you in any way, shape, or form a victim of

the fucking thoughts?

Also, it is weird that he just dated a 17-year-old with big-ass titties.

Yeah, yeah, she's a shit.

And everyone's just, like, cool with that.

She had big-ass titties.

But she was a child.

You're like 40, right?

No, no, it was at the height of sign five.

I mean, like, that's like season eight.

That's the thing where it's like,

you don't know that you're not going to be doing that.

That's true.

It'll be weird if I do it too, though.

Yeah.

Because it's like a lot of guys, you know,

you're in like, when you're like 23, 24, you're like, how are you going to be forty to date a 22-year-old?

Bro, 17, though?

Yeah.

I wouldn't date a 22-year-old.

I know I wouldn't do that.

I mean, like, I 20s, yeah.

I've usually dated women either my age or older.

Yeah, yeah.

But, yeah, it's like, I, I, I, I can understand why somebody would.

Yeah, okay, I can understand.

Especially, especially for, like, you know, just some fucking, like, weird celebrity that's, like, full of himself and wants to, like, hang on to his youth.

Yeah.

But it's still 17.

She was literally in high school.

And he completely got the pass.

Completely.

No one was like.

It was the 90s.

It's not enough of a rape thing to talk about.

Did he get a pass, though?

I mean, like, everybody talks about it.

I don't think it was that big a deal.

We're talking about it right now, still 20 years ago.

Yeah, but it's like we're talking about it as a thing that no one really talks about.

I remember people talking.

I feel like I remember people talking about it.

Maybe.

Yeah.

It was like, I think he was like, it was like season seven.

Yeah.

It was like.

Nice.

It wasn't like he was enough to come to the comic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God damn, bro.

Shoshana.

And he straight up date her, like, would bring her to like.

Yeah, he'd fly her out.

Damn.

She was like, I think from a very wealthy family, like

Jewish.

What's Shoshana up to these days?

She's married to a,

I believe, the husband, or she, she's a philanthropist, nice, which just means that she has a rich husband, Shoshana.

Yeah, what about

a throat lanthropist?

What about Shauna?

Remember that?

That doo-wop,

yeah, doo-wop revival.

Yeah, hell yeah.

When did they try to make that happen in the 80s?

Yeah, I think so.

Shauna Nairobi job.

Shanana.

What a fucking loser you have to be.

So gay.

It really is.

Imagine like working on your fucking hot rod in your garage spin like this.

This is 1994.

This is cool.

This is

Star Trek Voyager,

which I have watched a lot of.

The character like Tom Paris is he's like just obsessed with the 50s.

He's like, you just wrote this for the fucking boomer retards.

Oh, yeah.

For sure.

Which, obviously.

Yeah.

But, like, it doesn't make any sense why this guy from 300 years in the future would be obsessed with a particular decade.

Right, right, in the 20th century.

And like us being like, you were in 80s.

Yeah, 1740.

And explaining the difference between this type of covered weapon

and like a push cart.

Damn, you're so right.

There was

I love 80s.

The 1740s.

Oh, you're really into like, you know, depending mode?

No, no, no.

I'm into 1780s.

Well, he dates the Klingon bitch, and there's an episode where he's on the holodeck working on his Camaro.

He has a fake Camaro everywhere.

Jesus Christ.

And then she comes in, she's like, Camaro, and he's like,

it's Camaro.

Like, of course, you wouldn't know what that is, you fucking nerd.

Yeah, yeah.

It's from 300 years ago.

And he's like, this thing, 0 to 60, you know,

13.4 seconds or whatever.

You're on a spaceship.

Yeah, right.

You're literally traveling fast.

It's the speed of light.

Yeah.

Damn.

In fact, in one episode, you traveled so fast that you turned into a lizard.

Whoa.

Which is another thing I know about Star Trek later.

That's pretty cool.

They got my man Peace Dew coming back for another Star Trek.

Yeah.

Is he?

Yeah.

He's the best.

Lieutenant Wolf, suck my dick.

Come on, you fucking homo.

Fuck my ass.

Come on and fuck me.

I'm smoking weed.

He smokes weed, too.

Yeah.

My man loves ladies.

People got mad at him because he's like dating like a 40-year-old and he's like 280 years old.

Yeah, yeah.

Is he gay or straight?

No, he's straight, but it was like, I mean, him and Ian, what's his name?

Ian's the gay one, right?

Yeah, but they probably

best friends.

They probably bumped a couple poor.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You're both actors.

It's theater.

It's good theater.

Yeah, if you're doing it in character as Macbeth.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That is just a fantastic show.

It's show business.

We're all gay.

Yeah, yeah.

We have to be.

We're all secretly gay.

We're all getting sexy.

That's the way it has to be.

What do you think getting into the fucking academy is, dude?

I mean, fuck your ass.

Jumail Nanjiani got his ass fucked.

You want

to do with this.

You got to put in the work.

Dude, I'm in for Scientology.

Yeah.

I agree.

I'm telling you, it's the best possible infrastructure for all of our needs.

Kind of.

Honestly, I do believe that.

They help you address past trauma.

I love that.

They help you.

But don't they not believe in psychology at all?

Like, they do it for you.

They do it for you.

Oh, they got their own in-house.

They'll suck all the thetans out of it.

They also operate as part of a system.

So the emphasis on yourself kind of diminishes.

Granted, they are taking some people and torturing them.

And it's like, you kind of hope that that doesn't happen to you.

But you can deal with torture.

You know, being complicit in

an act of torture.

Some guy you don't know getting his nuts shocked.

Who cares?

Who cares?

You're an adult.

It's not a child.

It's an adult.

Yeah.

You're right.

You get a cool

sea captain costume.

Shouts out to L.

Ron, dude.

Yeah, just two years later, me

walking on stage, holding hands with David Miscavige.

Yeah, yeah.

And we've stopped.

We're all dressed like Captain Crunch.

We've stopped possessing the ability to blink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We did it.

We saved ourselves from the show.

Dude, if they give us the chance.

I feel great.

If they give us that Chinese fucking leg therapy and I get my hair back, I don't know.

Dude, David Miscavige, dude, we'll ride motorcycles with him.

Who's he?

I'm sorry.

He's like the head.

He took over for L.

Ron Hubbard and he's a psycho.

Nice.

He's out of his his mind crazy.

He ruins people's lives.

But ours, I think, he, you know,

make ours better.

Yeah.

Shout out to Tom Cruise.

Will Will.

Damn.

And he's 5'1, a man after my hundred years.

Well, he is.

Yeah, yeah.

He's not 5'1.

He's 5'1'1.

I mean, that makes so much sense, dude.

The leader of a cult being 5'1, of course he is.

Yeah.

He's not 5'1.

Yes, motherfucker.

Of course he is.

Look, you have Dave Miscovich Height, 5'1.

Oh, my God.

Who else is 5'1?

Literally no one.

Children?

Danny DeVito.

Damn, my man is shorter than my dick.

And he has so much power.

He's kind of jacked, too.

Damn, dude.

This is it.

This is the nail in the coffin for us, Jordan Scientology.

A powerful short man for you.

I gotta do it, dude.

I gotta fucking do it.

Oh, wait, hold on.

It says he's 5'3 on celebheights.com.

No, that's not.

Celebheights.com is one of my favorite websites.

Because there's all these people being like, no fucking way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

C-5'7.

Yeah.

5'6 and three-quarters.

I met him and I made a point of following him around until he took his shoes off.

And I ran up and did a back-to-back selfie.

Did you see, Nick, that

Osam bin Laden's son got married to Muhammad Atta's daughter?

Respect.

No.

Yeah, and he's vowing to avenge his father.

He is?

Yeah.

Damn.

He's going to get.

Yo, what about Saudi Arabia being like, yo, Canada, don't fuck around.

Because we'll 9-11 you, too.

What did they say?

No.

Did you see that shit?

No.

You really didn't see that?

I hope so, dude.

Dude, Canada.

Maybe I should move to Canada and bring it into my heart and then just await the next 9-11 that'll fix everything for me.

That's what I'm doing.

Become a firefighter.

New global tragedy, yeah.

And then you save some people.

I could grow the mustache now.

I couldn't when I was 13.

And the planes went into those towers.

Mm-hmm.

I tried as hard as I could to grow that until I could be a firefighter.

I tried too, but not during the 9-11 when United 93 with Nicholas Cage came out.

Everyone had a mustache in that movie.

Every single guy.

Yeah.

Well, no, wait, I'm thinking of WTC.

WTC.

Oh, maybe that was Nicholas Cage.

That one had every.

Everyone had a mustache.

Everyone had a mustache.

I wanted to edit it and put mustaches on the women.

I thought that would be fun.

Shouts out, Nikki Cage.

Speaking of putting shit on women, why don't you put some underwear on your bitch?

It's a Mac Weldon underwear.

You know,

MacWeldon.com.

Some of the most comfortable fucking underwear you'll ever wear in your life.

Absolutely.

You know?

Hey, look.

You get found in a closet somewhere, belt around your neck,

mostly nude, humiliating.

That's right.

What a just end to

sort of a mean-spirited life.

No one will have any.

Printed out Reddit comments on paper.

Just burned into your skin.

Just etched into your flesh.

The names of posters.

Keep giving yourself sticking pokes.

Just drafted letters trying to appeal to them in every which way.

Threaten,

sympathy.

Listen, I'm just like you.

Virginia.

Yeah.

Anything you can do to reach these people and explain that you don't deserve this death you're inflicting upon yourself.

Pretty fucking embarrassing to imagine, but they find your body with a pair of MacWalt and underwear on.

You look great.

You look awesome.

And you know what?

They're naturally antimicrobial, so they'll suck the smell of death and sin off Yeah, that's true.

You're limp and cold.

Yeah.

You're limp but rigamortist cock.

Right, exactly.

Hard but soft.

Hard but soft.

Which is, you know, that's kind of what this show is about.

Poetic, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's about being hard but soft in death.

Yeah, a perfect metaphor for us is limp ass dead guys' dicks.

The perfect metaphor for us is the pooping your pants.

You know what?

I've been like, now that my dick doesn't work anymore, it kind of feels like I've I've been sort of imagining it like

a baseball manager, you know?

Yeah.

Like back in the day, maybe he was a decent utility player, and like he's not particularly good at his job, but

he still has a little bit of a love for the game.

Yeah.

So you still dress the same?

Yeah.

You still put a condom on your soft cock.

They still dress like Moses.

Moses just stands there and chews and spits.

Spits sunflower seeds into a girl's pussy while

your son fucks her.

Wonders why he's not already dead.

Anyways, Mac Weldon Underwear is perfect underwear to wear.

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Anti-microshoes.

The silver line.

We've got other shit to say about it.

Oh, shit.

Don't feel good.

They feel good.

Yeah, while you're killing yourself or coaching Little League Baseball, you know,

just so that bitch adheres to the custody agreement.

It's the only fucking way she will.

Because she knows you're not drinking if you're out there.

You can wear doing MacWaldon underwear.

That's right.

And they got other shit too.

Listen.

Like some duffel bag thing, I think I saw on there.

There's this.

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Crew necks.

Everybody loves a crew neck.

That's the only thing I look good in.

A crew neck.

Yeah.

Well, as opposed to, what, a V-neck?

You know, a hoodie.

Oh, okay.

Of course.

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A crew neck sweatshirt.

Especially those Mac Weldon crew necks.

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And we're back nice

yeah dude the doctor today caught a mean whiff of my nuts dude i didn't mean to but he had to take a because i have to get he's like okay let me smell your balls

yep that's torn fashion yep you're exactly that is your fit's broken yeah yeah yeah it smells like you've smells like teen spirit

um

yeah i got um

i just figured i'd go in he'd tell me the mri but he wanted to do like a MR guy

Mr.

Guy He wanted to do I have to get special insoles for my feet because they're so fucking you have to wear lifts I do yeah give me a little extra fucking

not a bad idea totally worth it dude

and so he like kneeled down by my nuts and I just he caught a whiff of my just hospital balls I felt bad for the guy dude Wow.

Yeah.

Because you haven't been showering on this.

I shower usually, but this time I was running late.

I woke up.

It was an early morning thing.

I was like, I'll just shower afterwards.

Also, showering one foot is pretty treacherous.

It's treacherous, actually.

I shower with one foot and I lean up against the wall.

Yeah, you should get a railing, like a hand railing.

Really for a hand.

I want a little fucking stool that can sit on like an old guy.

No, you know what you should get is like a...

You know those commercials for old people that can't use stairs, so they have that chair that goes like

we already talked about.

Two episodes ago, we said we should get it for his apartment that just goes along every wall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no stairs in here.

Yeah, we did.

Now I forgot.

It just slides around.

Have you guys ever had like a fucking real debilitating ass injury?

No, never.

Break anything?

Like, only flus.

I've never broken any flues.

Really?

Never.

Yeah.

I got shingles.

I think I cracked a rib one time.

I like fell over drumming.

There's nothing you can do for that.

Yeah, I didn't go to the hospital because anytime I breathed in, it was a sharp pain.

It was like that for like a couple of months.

I bruised a rib.

Yeah.

Maybe that was what it was.

But yeah, I've never, I don't think I've ever broken anything.

No, I don't think I've ever.

I tried to lay out on a fucking, I was playing

squash with my boy George.

Squash.

And I laid out like a champion.

Dude, I get injured playing sports.

I got too much heart.

Squash is so fun.

It is actually really fun.

Yeah.

Damn.

Fuck.

But it fucks my shoulder.

How about squasha, and it's your girlfriend?

It's my girlfriend playing.

But she's

one foot four, and the aspect ratio is thrown off.

Oh.

Because she's like,

you just do like a pitch shift on her voice and then echo it.

Yeah.

And then it's squash.

Oh, because she's all the way in the back of the squash thing.

No, no, no.

It's the same person.

Oh, she's squashed.

She's down.

Yeah, she's down.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

DK mode.

Okay, all right.

I was still thinking literally.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

I'm just reaching for anything here.

Maybe

squash.

I don't know.

The guy that owns that Come Town collection.

Oh, yeah.

Which, you know, like.

I've said it before, you know, if you want to use the show in any way, the branding, try and make money for yourself, like, please do it.

And, like,

that guy has plenty of products, you know, like he's going to do the fucking work.

He's selling the merch, so buy from him, you know.

Great, you know, yeah, yeah.

He had a sweatshirt that's uh,

it just says Dasha.

That's it.

Yeah, you can't do that.

Why can't you do that?

It's funny.

That's insane.

I mean, it is insane.

She's not part of the shit.

She's not worth it.

She's just a woman.

Well, it's also just her name.

Yeah.

It's just her.

Yeah, it's like in a just red letters.

Yeah.

That's funny.

She should get that money, though.

Dash is not doing as good as we are.

Yeah, but she didn't do any work.

That's just her name.

It's her existence that he's.

Without her, you can't sell your shirts.

You're in the DSA.

You understand how it works.

People get paid for the work that they do.

Nah, dude.

The guy made the shirts.

He came up with the design.

He put them on there.

I don't know, man.

I don't, you know,

give Dosh a little piece of that.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Share the wealth, DSA style.

You know what I'm saying?

Medicare.

Medicare for balls.

She was like, did you make fun of me for believing in the moon on your last episode?

Oh, yeah.

I was like, yeah, so what?

It's my life, too.

I can make fun of you.

Fuck you, bitch.

She's like, yeah, people are.

I'm going to get for believing in the moon.

People are now making fun of me about that.

I was like,

making fun of you about what, the moon?

Because she believes in the moon.

Yeah, she believes in the moon.

She's like, you do understand that women's menstrual cycles are connected to the lunar cycle.

Yeah, dude, that's a crock of horse shit if you ask me.

It sounds ridiculous to me, too.

Oh, the moon up there.

It seems like it happens once a month, and so does the moon.

Yeah, so every 28 days.

The tides.

The moon ever only comes out every 28 days.

What is your pussy control?

The tides, too?

You know what I'm saying?

There's a light inside the moon that turns dark, and then it shades itself.

And on the back, the dark side, the dark side of the moon,

I took acid and just sat on my porch.

Did I tell you guys that?

It's pretty fun.

Yeah.

I'm getting real into the psychedelic.

It's crazy that there was a time when, like, people just didn't know what the moon was, and then somebody was was like, I guess it's like a guy.

I guess that's probably like a guy that is

the boss of me.

He hates the sun.

Him and the sun don't fuck me.

They're not sure.

They were brothers.

Everyone's like, write this shit down.

This guy sounds like a scientist to me.

That was science.

It was just a high-ass theory.

Yeah, right.

We should fucking get stoned and shit and just make like

what we think science is.

That's what we should do.

A show that's a natural phenomenon, and I'll get stoned or on mushrooms.

Actually, you have to ask that one.

You should write that up and try and pitch it as a show.

The fucking moron explaining.

I mean, it's a good idea.

I think that's every vice show.

Is that someone smokes weed and then does something.

Yeah, that's fine.

We can do our own vice show, dude.

We'll pitch it to them.

Yeah, Vice, get at us.

There's got to be some fucking somebody that was like,

I don't know, didn't quit Vice even after they were raping or whatever.

What was Vice doing?

Some bad shit?

It's so weird that, like, if Gavin McGinnis didn't get fired, he wouldn't be doing any of this shit, would he?

Probably not.

Yeah.

He wouldn't give a shit about

the culture.

Man, the fucking Proud Boys are so stupid looking.

Oh, and that's what I'm saying.

Like that guy with the fucking

ninja turtle, the fat guy?

Yeah, I saw that.

Like,

what are their beliefs?

I don't get it.

They have to protect

white culture.

Proud boys are racist.

They're like no fap, too.

Oh, damn.

I can't get down with that, bro.

Either you support all races or you beat off.

Okay?

And that's where I'm starting the conversation.

That seems dangerous, that no-fap shit.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, have you not beat off for a while?

You're crazy.

You're impulsive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You think you want to get married, but you just have to beat off.

I beat off yesterday, and I just came all over the floor, and then we're going to have to sleep.

Like the hardwood?

That is some dirty shit.

I just didn't care.

Dude, some girl I was hooked up with like, I don't know, a couple years ago, would just like she'd be like, Yeah, you just come on the

shit.

You just come on the sheets.

I felt like I was already, I was already at a place,

I was already in a place where like my dick, quote-unquote, didn't get hard while beating off, but it's like, now,

it's crazy, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll come back, dude.

There's something going on.

Maybe

just like an emotional thing.

As a guy who's had a lot of ups and downs with my little ass dick, I can tell you, dude, you're due for a nice day.

i was watching

nice and stiff i was watching porn earlier today nice with some brasers video

and the guy porn guy i forgot what the stupid setup was oh no it was some guy he's like

uh

he has to come in and fuck someone's wife because he has low sperm count

and they so he's like yeah so we're getting this doctor d to come in this guy comes in and he's like he's like you're not even a doctor he's like

i i'm not lying to you this guy was a great actor.

Like, he had comic chops.

Like, porn actors are really unfortunate.

Really bad.

This guy was, like, actually, like, could be like a comedic actor.

Until the point where he's like, yeah, I've got like a massive Willie.

And then he, like, pulled it out.

And then they started fucking.

Was he British?

Were they British?

Both of the guys were British.

It was a good idea.

You were watching two guys have sperm.

Yeah.

So to increase your sperm count, I have to fuck you and your ass.

I don't know.

I don't even go look at porn anymore because like Chatterbait kind of I haven't looked.

I haven't watched a browser's very

contrived porn thing in a long time.

Porn should be.

Yeah.

And it's like, you know.

No, I'll still.

I'm back.

I was off porn.

I'm back in with a vengeance.

Dude, I found out.

I am beating off so much.

No, something about it being live is like.

I like it because there's a connection.

It's a real person.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And we're together.

I imagine us together.

Yeah.

I'm a different person.

That's why I like sending a dick pic.

It's like, I know someone looked at my dick, and that makes me feel like it.

But it is sad sometimes when you're watching Chatterbait and they're in like Columbia or whatever, and you can tell they're just in, like, some fucking warehouse somewhere, like in Chatterbait cubicles.

Does that actually bother you?

It is kind of.

I mean, I jack off to it, obviously.

But afterwards, all right, that's all I want.

Respect.

No, I mean, I found out recently, actually, that this porn star I used to watch all the time

got AIDS.

Whoa.

Dasha told me actually.

What was his name?

Her name was Naomi.

What was his name?

Naomi Russell.

Frank.

And oh, Naomi?

That guy with a big ass?

With a huge ass.

No!

Oh, really?

Isn't that so sad?

Damn, bro.

Yeah, in college, I used to jack off.

That is shit.

You get AIDS all the time.

It's like, you know, blowing out her elbow or whatever.

I was really sad with that.

You had a child for surgery and then you're back to business.

Yeah, yeah, it's true.

That other girl killed herself earlier this year, August 8th.

That was very sad.

Because the Libs bullied her.

Really?

The Care Lords.

Did they?

Yeah.

No, I mean, she was just like,

she just said, like,

she tweeted that she was pissed off that they wanted her to do a scene with a guy that did gay porn as well.

And I guess in terms of

STV transmissions, you're at a higher risk if you're doing it with someone that has sex with men and women.

Yeah.

Even professionally.

Yeah.

So she was trying to say, like.

It is funny how much that shit lines up with just like sin.

Homophobia.

Because it's like Christianity was taking L's for like 400 years.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, science, they were getting their asshole licked.

Science,

yeah, yeah.

Just dunking it.

Dunk it.

Yeah.

And then, you know, AIDS rolls around in the 1980s.

And it's like, you know, and from the back of the pack, here comes, you know, like, God hates bags.

And like, just this photo finish in 1989 when they're like, actually, it's because you're gay and you're an intravenous druggie user.

Oh, damn, they really, yeah.

They all die.

AIDS was all died.

Like, damn.

Every single, like, every cool-ass gay guy.

So many dudes die.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you lived in New York in 1981 and you were gay, all your friends died.

You know what?

And considering that, it's like, you can't say we didn't do anything to prevent climate change.

People have a carbon footprint.

Those nightclubs generate a lot of pollution.

Yeah, it's true.

It was a very good policy.

You know know how fucking they made?

Letting hundreds of thousands of people die.

You know how much water goes into making the body glitter?

It's unbelievable, dude.

It's true.

Yeah, so if you think Reagan didn't do anything for the environment, letting gay guys die of AIDS

was Reagan.

You know what I'm saying?

Magnum opus.

Anyway, that board started.

I just want to get to a place where I'm giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.

And that's what I have to believe about this world: is that

in his actions,

there was a heart of gold.

May have been gilded, but Dragan.

Yep.

The Gipper.

The guy cared about this planet, you know, or whatever the fuck his name was.

What was his nickname?

The Gipper?

The Gipper.

You said it and then said, what was his nickname?

That was a real Adam move, but I didn't know if that was real.

Yeah, I would game-recognized game.

I didn't really

know.

I just didn't remember if that was his nickname.

The Gipper?

Why did they call him that, though?

That's what I don't know.

Because he played

his teeth removed in prison.

Yeah, that's a better reason.

He played a famous Notre Dame football coach in a movie, Newt Rockne.

And his name was

said in the famous speech, Win one for the Gipper.

And that was himself?

In the movie.

In the movie, he said that, and then people started calling him the Gipper when he became the first person.

So in the movie, it still doesn't have an explanation.

In the movie, he just calls himself the Gipper that?

No, I think that's his nickname or something.

So he's like, come on, guys, win it for me.

That's kind of a bullshit speech.

Well, it's also his nickname still doesn't have an origin.

It's still just like, ah, it's a thing he said one time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm sure it has an origin.

No, this is like when George tried to be T-Bone.

And then they called him Coco.

I'm T-Bone.

Yeah, I'm Candy Lipsbomb.

In many ways, he hires an African woman named Coco so that they can't call him Coco anymore.

I don't remember that.

That was a fucking hilarious episode.

George gets in his head that he wants his nickname to be T-Bone.

That's a good estimate.

So he's like eating a T-bone steak.

He gave somebody else a nickname.

And then, yeah, and then they start calling him Coco.

It gets like hot child.

I can't remember.

So it makes a point of bringing around this African woman named Coco.

He's like, you can't have two Coco's.

Yeah.

And then I think they start calling her T-Bone.

Is that me?

He's like, I'm T-Bone.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a good one.

George Rules, man.

God.

Shouts out to him.

Almost getting to fucked Marissa Dome.

That gave me so much hope as a child.

In that movie.

Marissa Dome Get.

That show.

Yes.

That show was like mind-blowing.

Just seeing those ugly Jewish men fucking.

Clarissa explains it all, but it's Clarissa gives brains it all.

Oh, yeah.

She just sucks everybody's dick.

That's really good.

Including Ferguson, her brother.

Was that her brother?

She sucks all Ferguson.

I've never seen that show.

I think Ferguson's the neighbor.

Was it the neighbor?

Yeah.

What about Full House, but it's Full Ass.

Ferguson named after Ferguson, Missouri?

Yes.

As a tribute.

He was the actor who did it in Blackface.

Imagine how, like, if, like, by chance, SNL wrote the character Turd Ferguson after those riots.

How fucking mad people would be.

It just dropped the riots happened and then.

Yeah, Turd Ferguson.

I mean, obviously it wouldn't happen that way, but

what if, you know?

What if is a good question.

What if is a question that produces all the comedy we do on this show?

Yeah, for example, what if

I don't know, we

filled that Coke bottle full of diarrhea,

and we threw it at

a blind a mola, a molotov, a mola, mola, molotov, shitatov,

cockatov, no, it's got shit in it, so it's a

shit a

molestation,

What would a Molotov cocktail?

A fuckatail?

It's got filled with shit.

Shit, filled with shit.

It's Russian.

John Ramsey used to have a joke about Russian history and diarrhea.

It was a very good joke.

Maybe let's look that up, and maybe there's a pun in there somewhere.

It's a fuck.

Fuck.

Okay.

Number two.

No.

Molotov.

Pooh.

There's shit.

There's Poo, there's crap.

Paul Blart Molotov talk.

Paul Blart Molokop.

It's a different direction.

But I like it.

No idea is bad.

Yeah, I'm just trying to get

shit up on the board.

Yeah, put something on the board, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Throw it up.

Throw it up.

Look, this is what being a comedy writer is.

I want another fucking staff job.

I miss that shit.

Just getting fat as hell off snacks, saying dumb shit.

You were happy making so much money.

You know what?

It was funny.

I was thinking about that the other day.

It's like, I looked at pictures of myself, and I look like absolute shit.

Yeah.

And I'm happy.

You didn't look that bad, man.

Oh, dude.

You didn't look that bad.

You just had like love.

You just have body dysmorphia.

I had body dysmorphic.

I was literally 50 pounds heavier than I am now.

Yeah, I guess you're all right.

Maybe you were fat.

I don't fucking know.

No, I was fat as shit.

But

yeah, it's like, no, you just do that.

You just make yourself a piece of shit.

And like the inside matches the outside.

It's great.

And you feel good.

You feel great.

Dude, honestly, heaven, I was thinking about this.

Heaven would literally be just on this couch getting seamless and you just don't get that fat.

And then a girl would come over once every three weeks.

But if I could just hang out with my boys.

Porta Potty Tav cocktail.

Porta Potty Top.

Potty Tov cocktail.

Potty Tav is the different

cocktail.

I can do better than that.

Yeah.

Let's keep talking.

Yeah, dude.

I think just heaven would be just eating shit and playing video games.

But you don't feel bad.

That's the problem with that lifestyle.

So you just get fat as shit and you feel horrible.

But the actual times you're doing it feels awesome, dude.

Yeah.

I would like to be a horse or something.

Just a wild horse.

Just running around in a fucking field.

You know, because I can't actually run.

I'm not built for it.

But if I could gallop, I would love to.

Oh, it would be so triumphant.

We should ride a horse.

Just a winged horse.

That would be riding horse.

Pegasus?

That's what's in my heart.

I could be that.

It'd be amazing.

Just come up over a Vista with your winged-ass horse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'd be awesome.

And then you could do battle.

Wild horses are

horses were brought to North America domesticated.

Yeah.

So they are

feral, previously domestic animals that have adapted.

Oh, it's like a piece of meat you already defrosted and you put back in the freezer.

Exactly.

I think.

It is.

Have you ever been to the house?

Where's a wild horse from?

Tazatique Island?

Nah.

Where's a wild horse from?

By Ocean City, Maryland?

Nah.

Horses are for European.

Where, though?

Spain.

Spain?

Arabian horses.

Arabian.

Arabian horse.

So is that

Saudi Arabia?

I think all of Europe.

I don't know.

I have no fucking idea.

I know an Arabian horse is a type of horse.

Yeah.

Sounds cool.

You know that.

The only way you can ride is

Red Dead Redemption, which the sequel is coming out, which is funny.

There's a couple of people that are like, come on, dog, you got to just hang out at least until Red Dead Redemption 2.

And it's like, damn, yeah.

It is a good point.

I do.

What is it?

It's like Clint Eastwood video game.

It's good, dude.

It's like Grand Theft Auto, but with horses.

No, yeah, it's good as shit.

It's really good.

Western.

Yeah, so Western.

The theme is like, he's like the last cowboy, basically.

He's like, lives in this town where industrialization is coming.

So they're like, just, you know, he's got to kill off the old members of his gang, but it's like these.

And then you scalp Indians.

We just got to fucking scalp motherfuckers.

I don't remember scalping.

I think you do.

Do you?

Yeah, it's funny.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

It's like wild.

You're like, wow.

No, that game, that game is.

Can you R-A-P-E in it?

Yeah.

Oh, whoa.

No, because you cannot.

I remember there was an Xbox achievement for tying a woman up and putting her in the train tracks.

Oh, the old villain, man.

Dude, I got high in my apartment.

So, like, the last area in the game is this, like,

industrialized town or whatever.

There's like a car and the train comes through and stuff.

And

there's like a saloon where there's like a poker game going on.

And one of the people playing the poker game is like one of those like,

I guess, like, Boxer Rebellion style Chinese guys.

Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, like a Celestial or whatever.

And I switched to the

just fists and I shoved him.

And you can shove people.

And I shoved them all the way out of the saloon to the edge of town and down a cliff.

And it took like an hour to do it.

But it was like so satisfying to shove that Chinese guy all the way to the edge of the town.

You didn't want to shoot him?

Yeah, no, I thought it would be funny.

I thought it would be funnier.

Why didn't he stick up for himself?

It's not built into his AI.

Sometimes they do.

Sometimes they fight you, and other times you can just keep shoving them.

But he was just a stoic.

He just sat there taking it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of beautiful.

It is beautiful.

You know what else will be beautiful?

Chilling.

Seeing our friend Nicholas Mullen at Caroline.

Awesome.

This weekend.

This weekend, folks.

Go see Nick tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

It'll be Wednesday.

Tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday night.

That's right.

Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday.

Go support our boy.

We all want to hit the road together and alone doing stand-up.

So buy tickets.

That's big for us.

We'll also be in Baltimore the next Sunday.

This is Sunday.

This Sunday.

This Sunday, the 12th, at the Auto Bar.

Please buy tickets to that.

I will also be, please buy tickets to these.

I'm in Charlottesville on the 17th.

If you're in Virginia or surrounding areas, please buy tickets to that.

And I'm in Baltimore doing a fun-ass show with my little brother George at Judgy, Art by Judgy, D-Z-O-D-Z-I-E.

He's doing a gallery opening of his awesome weird, fucked-up paintings.

And I am doing a stand-up show at 8 o'clock.

And we're also just going to hang out and get fucked up on the 18th at my friend's brewery, suspended brewery, suspended brewery companies.

Come out to that.

And then I'm back in Philly on the 19th.

Good, good comedy theater.

I'm trying to sell out three shows again.

I'm not flaking this time.

I'll be there in a damn walking boot.

So those are the ones coming up.

And then we are together as a unit back again in Cleveland on the 2nd.

Live pod 4:20 p.m.

as part of the Accidental Comedy Festival.

Shouts out, Ramon.

And then we are in Boston on the 3rd

as part of the Boston Comedy Festival.

We're doing a live one there, and I will be in Fairfield, Connecticut on the 7th.

So, yeah, everybody.

And then more dates coming up after that.

But those are the big ones coming up

right now.

And then you go to stavi.biz, S-T-A-V-V-Y.biz.

I have my dates, and then also live Cometown, links to live cometown ones, so if you want to get those.

Oh, and funny moms on

is scheduled for the 13th.

It's not going to be happening.

We have to cancel it this week because we're going to be in Baltimore.

Yeah, we're going to be out of town.

I'm going to stay in Baltimore to get a fucking second.

Dobbs's going to be out of town.

Nick's going to be in LA, so we have to cancel it, but we will be back

on the 20th.

What is it?

I want to say the 27th.

The 27th.

The 27th, yes.

Okay.

So, the next Funny Moms is the 27th.

Sorry that we had to cancel it.

It kind of came up.

We realized this yesterday.

But

yeah, we'll see you on the 27th.

And if not, we'll see you in Baltimore.

If not, we'll see you at Carolines.

Yes, bitch.

Come out.

Come out and come get your nuts sucked.

Thank you, everybody.

Goodbye, everyone.

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