Ep. 109 – Maggets and Terds

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All right.

Here we are, everyone.

Yeah.

Back in the motherfucking trap.

Two episodes back to back.

We ran out of scheme pretty hard on the last.

Well, you got your burrito and your burrito, my coffee.

That's not coffee.

It's coffee.

It literally does not taste like coffee.

It's coffee.

There's no tea bag in it.

We've got Flabby Tits Flanagan.

What's up?

Literally, that's a nice lane.

It's a good nickname.

We got Flab Tits Flanagan.

My nice cup of milk.

We got fat.

Nick's drinking a whole thing of whole milk.

We're just drinking a whole thing of milk.

Whole ass.

I do a whole show like this.

Yeah, that's good.

This is how we get people.

We're trying to figure out ways to get people to stop listening and paying for this podcast.

It's gone on too long.

Yeah.

We don't get what it is.

I can see that.

I can see it in your eyes.

I want to die so bad.

Yeah.

Because that's the thing, man.

All these people, they move here to do comedy, right?

And then it doesn't work out.

Yeah.

And then they like.

Finally, you can start your life.

Well, they have relationships and shit, right?

Or they figure out how to enjoy their 30s as dog walkers.

Yeah.

And we can't do it.

We've been robbed of that.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Stolen from us.

Yeah, success is.

We have a poverty of the heart.

Yeah.

People don't understand what it's like.

It's a poverty of the heart, but a bounty of the whole.

Yeah.

Because we're all getting fucked in.

In our asses.

Well, if they saw this stupid shit Adam was buying with their money.

Yeah.

It's fucking fish pants.

I didn't buy that.

If they saw that, they would definitely check it out.

Justin China.

I was at Coney Island yesterday eating an Italian ice and paying $16 for a Ferris wheel that I rode as a grown man.

And I was laughing at this fat guy singing Billy Joel karaoke while watching the fireworks.

And I just thought, my life sucks.

I have like the worst life.

That guy is the best life.

That guy is the best life.

How is the people watching at Coney?

It's always top-notch.

How does go people watching?

Well, we'll see.

How is the penis watching everywhere you go every time?

What are you talking about?

You watch people's penises.

My eyes are closed.

Shout out to that guy, by the way.

So they do fireworks at Coney Island, I guess, on Friday nights.

Oh, every Friday night?

It's not just like a 4th of July thing?

Well, it's not 4th of July.

That's true.

It's close though.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it's a couple weeks away, but I'm just fucking busy.

It's the 22nd of June.

Who does fireworks for no reason?

You just walked by some black kids in Coney Island.

Yeah,

right.

We're about to scare some folk.

I did get Greek people do.

Go ahead.

Yeah, well, so there's a bunch of crowd of people waiting for the fireworks to start, but then some radio station had like karaoke set up.

So there's this guy wearing like the best outfit, which is hoodie, jean shorts.

Yes.

You know, tall T.

Kevin Smith outfit.

Kevin Smith outfit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just looking like absolute shit.

Yeah.

Singing, We Didn't Didn't Start the Fire.

And then I didn't know there was fireworks, so it looked like there was like a thousand people watching.

This one guy

do Billy Gill karaoke.

Poorly.

Just poorly.

Yeah.

He's fucking

good.

He's like,

Lenny Bruce and Lester Banks, we didn't start the fire.

You got to give him credit.

That's a hard-ass song to do with Kara.

It's easy.

It's easy.

Suck my dick.

Makes my ball ass literally.

Yeah, because

if you know the words, it's easy because everybody's just waiting on you to nail the technical aspects of it.

You don't have to sing the songs or something.

But who actually knows the words?

You know what's a fucking hard song to sing at karaoke?

Purple Rain.

Because there's not that many.

It's all in the how you say Purple Rain.

No, but then there's that.

I didn't immediately say that.

It's a very hard song.

The verse part is hard.

It's a very hard song.

Easy song.

We didn't start the fire.

Even easier songs.

Oh, because no one even knows what you're fucking saying to the words.

You can say random people's names.

No, you can say the names.

You just memorize the names.

And if people are like, wow, he knows all the names, then you don't have to really be good at singing.

You just be good at listing things.

End of the World As We Know at REM, same deal.

Yep.

I have the

interest as penis in this.

That's great.

It starts with a hurricane.

Earthquakes.

Lenny Bruce is not afraid.

Lenny Bruce is not afraid.

Oh, they also shout out Lenny Bruce.

Yes.

And Lester Banger.

I don't know if they do.

In fact, when I said Lenny Bruce and Lester Bang,

you were thinking of the world.

Well, I was trying to do the song badly.

Hey, dude, I think you're losing listeners.

No,

you would be surprised.

We did

a crossword puzzle for 40 minutes.

Hold on.

Last week.

What's happening is I am that guy singing Billy Joel, and the fireworks are my inevitable suicide.

That's what people think about.

It was camping out for a nice spot.

Wow, all these people think I'm a good comedian.

In my Kevin Smith outfit, fucking up all the lyrics

and speaking improperly.

We Didn't Start the Fire was actually the first rap song.

That's true.

Yeah.

And End of the World as We Know is the second rap song.

Why are you always trying to take things away from black people on this show?

I've been spending a lot of time online and learning facts.

Real true facts.

It'd be funny if you become alt-right, and that's how the show.

That would be funny.

Yeah, dude.

I told you, I already am.

Dasha gets you into like Russian nationalism or whatever.

Oh,

I'm a total Russophile now.

I've started jacking off to Russian poetry.

They are the cool.

You know, it's funny I shit on Russians, but if I were Russian, I would probably be.

Dude, I actually

Russian.

They're angry-ass people.

The Russians.

That's the best type of person.

Yeah, yeah.

They're completely amoral.

They're amoral.

Yeah, they're liars.

They're fucking liars.

They literally don't.

Your great-grandma was a piece of shit.

They only keep it up here.

Keep it up here.

They smile based on

rules.

They have like rules as to when you smile.

It's not just like a a fucking natural reaction to that.

What are some of the rules?

I don't know.

Like if you're trying to lie to somebody.

Yeah, that's the only time they're ever smiling.

The Google rules to smiling.

Hold on, hold on.

I think my plan is.

Do we have another cord for this or no?

You can look down there.

The cord is at the mic.

Shake this out.

Shake it out.

Shake it out.

I think my plan is if Dosh and I break up, I'm just going to get a mail order that looks exactly like her.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

From Russia.

Yeah, that's healthy.

Yeah, I'll just Skype her in.

I'll spend a ton of money on her.

Skype wife.

Skype wife.

Get her all the time.

She's hanging out with Sid and Tiffany from Twitter.

Get some of that Skype pussy.

Who's Sid and Tiffany?

I don't know.

Just some girls.

Two girls.

You probably know Tiffany.

You probably follow her.

Tiffany was at my birthday party.

She's Leon's long-term girlfriend.

They dated for a very long time.

I thought they broke up.

He broke up with her.

Whoa, Penny.

Why are we saying what?

Is this gossiping?

Because that's not what happened.

Because they didn't date very long, and I think she broke up with him.

But the real story is, they dated for a very long time and and he dumped her ass.

Whoa, that's fucked up.

She got super dumped by him and she's still upset about it.

She's stupid.

Talking about random

weird, weird drama.

Doing like TMZ for lessons.

Like a very narrow

Twitter

TMZ.

Yeah.

So she's uh she's real upset.

She was spotted canoodling.

Yeah.

Her name is Sid.

She uh no, Tiffany is the one.

There's a girl.

Tiffany implied that maybe her mom is a male order, Brian.

Now, I don't know if she's in

confidence, but

Nick is literally physically incapable of doing it.

Nick is being a messy bitch right now.

You can't keep a secret tell me secrets.

And then you have like a platform.

That's pretty fair.

Nick doesn't seem like the kind of guy you tell shit to.

That's true.

That's true.

And somehow I have told him

to tell him everything.

I don't know why you keep literally.

Look at his eyes.

An unflinching, funny steady hand.

He just has too much fun fucking with people.

The FBI probably were investigating me.

They were like, oh, there's no way this guy wouldn't just blurt it out if he was part of ISIS.

Oh, yeah, that's the best defense.

He would be gossiping with people about it.

Sorry, I just switched with Justin so that I can hear whenever the mic is fucking up.

Okay, cool.

Stavio, the ones and twos, bitch.

Super

good call.

Is your hand fucking hot as hell?

Yeah, he's got hot hands.

You have hot hands.

You know what Stav actually found a way because he does food food prep he eats all day long

so instead of like having to he just microwaves his hands at the beginning of the day

keep them hot

and then he just holds the pop-tarts and hot pockets you give me a room temp hot

though he cooks all the food in his hands that's right you give me a room temp hot dog i'll fucking warm that boy right up that's right with my sweaty ass pony you ever eat a cold hot dog though i never have actually not bad

not bad my aunt used to make me do it really she used to make you well she not she didn't like hold me down and force me to eat a

shove it down your mouth.

She used to force me to titty fuck you with a cold hot dog.

No, she would just be like, you should eat a cold hot dog.

I'm like dumb enough to listen to anything.

Yeah, you should fucking take those little shorts off and eat a cold hot dog.

Was it like a molestation?

She's a nice lady.

Did you ever get molested?

No, unfortunately.

What's the most

you've ever been?

Dude, I don't think I've ever even come close to being molested.

Really?

Were you an ugly child?

I was fat.

I wouldn't say I was ugly.

Yeah.

Imagine being fat and getting molested.

Yeah.

I don't think Stav has to imagine the sexy kind of fat.

This guy would hold him down and pour Hershey's syrup on him.

Yeah,

he was a beer.

He wouldn't touch him directly.

He would just throw chocolates at Stav's.

Dude, I feel like fat kids get molested all the time.

I think they're probably gullible.

They're probably easier to get with the candy.

Well, that was just

offer candy to a normal kid.

They're like, I don't want it.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe it's a special occasion.

Yeah.

A fat kid, you could lure him in with bread.

Hey, check this out.

It's the end piece.

No, that would not work.

No, it would.

It would.

I want to tell you something.

I don't mind the end piece.

Why do people hate the end piece?

I would not get molested for an end piece.

And not white bread.

I wouldn't either.

No, not white bread, dude.

A baguette.

I said a baguette.

Yeah, dude.

Like they say, you can scoop all the bread.

I'm back in the bag.

Cheesecake bagel.

Cheesecake factory bread.

Bread cheese soup Bowl.

Yes, bitch.

I just went to Lucha Lucha and shout out to Lucha Lucha, our favorite bread.

The guy thanked me for shouting.

Well, he said thanks to the podcast in general.

Shout out to Lucha Lucha.

Which guy was Matt's friend?

Matt's friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did he give you a free burrito?

No, he offered a discount and I rejected the free discount.

Wow, Nick, Man of Principles.

Man of honor.

You rejected the fat.

If anyone will give us proper dial discounts, I will be very happy.

There's no reason I should eat for free in an establishment

because I'm a hero.

Because you're our hero.

Because I'm an iron.

But what if you need to molest a kid later and you need a burrito?

Oh.

Why would you need a burrito?

To put it in his ass.

Okay.

To warm it up.

That's a different way you could cook food.

Either my hands or a young boy's ass.

Yeah.

That's how they got the convection.

That was the first convection oven.

A young boy's ass.

It's tighter than

your ass and warmer.

Used to be a common conventional.

Remember that kid,

who's the fat, like, Laotian kid?

Used to live here.

Used to, I mean, I'm sure he still does.

He's from New York, but he used to have Lawson.

Lawson.

Weren't you, like, boys with him?

We were friends with him.

Yeah, boys with him.

I was boys with Bryson.

Me and Bryson were tight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you were boys with Lawson.

I remember that.

No, dude.

Bryson.

Oh, yeah.

Lawson was Bryson and Lawson.

He was close with Lawson.

Dude, I saw Lawson.

Yeah, you and Lawson were both friends.

I was like driving.

Bryson and Lawson.

I was driving at a mall in

New Jersey and this fat Hawaiian looking kid came out of the woods.

I think it might have been Lawson.

Out of the woods?

Yeah.

Dude, I was with my girlfriend and I was like, I think that's Lawson.

He was doing a mic at the moment.

He was doing a bringer mic at 4 p.m.

In the woods of Jersey.

Well, he had a joke that was pretty funny about how

he's like, history's fucked up.

He's like, I was reading

Socrates.

He would take...

Yeah, but it was just too many words.

Boys.

Instead of just fucking boys, he would press their thighs together and he would fuck in between their thighs and they're

in Greek for that and that was Socrates

that was a funny joke

when I saw him do that Abraham Lincoln apparently fucked thigh pussy as well did he had like a best friend and he fucked his thigh pussy yeah and that's how you were gay that's how you were gay back then which is like guys just fuck each other in the ass you know what I mean if you're gonna fuck each other's thighs well maybe they didn't know about ass fucking I feel like you could put it together I feel like you do a little experimentation.

I remember him wear that hat if he was already tall.

Yeah, I agree.

Those hats were not.

That's cocky.

It's fucked up.

Dude, isn't his wife like the ugliest?

She was crazy.

She was literally the ugliest.

She was the ugliest bitch.

She was one of the ugliest bitches, yeah.

Martha Jones Lincoln.

That's not her name.

Something like that.

Isn't it Mary Todd?

Mary Todd.

Mary Kate Nashley.

Mary Kate Nashley.

Lincoln.

Yeah, he is.

Yeah, dude.

I mean, who wouldn't fuck their friend's thighs?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Justin's got a picture of this ugly ass fucking

grandma-faced bitch.

Dude, you don't want to read this.

Oh, yeah, she's not that bad.

That's kind of plain.

She's not hitched.

She's probably got a nice spot.

I bet she had the she's got bad ass.

She's got a toy bar.

Everyone says she had a bad pussy.

That's in every history book.

Yeah, yeah.

Mary Todd Lincoln's got that garbage cunt.

She was singing up that Ford's theater with her.

Oh, yeah.

She got a fat ass, though.

No, no, no, no.

That is all her.

That's all ass.

That's all her.

Nothing.

No, that's all ass, dude.

You got a bad eye for ass.

Damn.

Yeah.

You put her ass on the money.

You know what I'm saying?

Replace his face with the face.

Dude, yeah, people face

cheeks.

Feminism's next goal.

Replacing Abraham Lincoln's face with his wife's ass.

There's got to be a monument that should just be her ass.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I agree.

Yeah, they said they put him on the five.

Dude, I don't know, man.

She's like, in some pictures, she could get it, but

in some pictures, she looks like.

Who's on the dime?

Eisenhower?

Oof.

But that's an old-ass bitch version of her.

He's on the penny, right?

Lincoln?

No, the penny's Lincoln.

Eisenhower's on the dime.

Oh, yes, he is.

Yeah.

Dude, it'd be funny.

Shouts out to our friend.

Lincoln was on the dime because his wife's ass is a dime.

Shouts out to Eisenhower, a bald.

Yeah, who did they put on the voodoo stand?

Barack Obama?

There you go.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's not bad.

Check this out.

Why don't we put him on a fucking bus transfer?

What is Facebook?

A subway token.

Do they still have those?

Yeah, just Philly.

They do have subway tokens.

They should make a $70 bill and put Barack Obama on it, and then make a $71 bill and put Donald Trump on it.

It's more.

It's more money.

That'd be fun.

It would be funny to get Donald Trump on it.

It would be cool if Trump started destroying things and making them about himself.

Yeah.

Like destroying.

I was like just replacing the Washington Monument.

It was a tattoo of him shaking hands with Hulk Hogan.

We were friends.

We've just never met.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Terry Bolea, what's his name?

Yeah, Terry Boleya.

Terry Boleya, yeah, 100%.

Hell yeah.

Who's that?

Italian?

Yeah, dude.

They both want to fuck their daughter so bad.

That show was so funny.

The Hulk Hogan reality show was just this

ploy to make people think that he's a good dad.

A lot of him being tough but fair.

It was like the whole show.

But you want to take the Corvette up on my dead body.

Homework first, pal.

We built this house on love.

Due to respect.

And then he's like just fucking his daughter's like 12-year-old friends.

As soon as the cameras stop rolling, he's like injecting them with steroids.

He's like, Make your pussy tighter.

I got something to help.

He's like, you can put this D-ball in your pussy.

You can seize up on them.

He had a strong pussy.

Dude, he had a fucking segue at one point.

He would like to argue with his wife and then ride away on a segue.

That's funny.

That's the most disrespectful fucking thing you possibly did.

To cheat on your wife on a segue.

Dude, he was just fucking, he had a girl on a segue.

Somebody saw you getting Roadhead.

Oh, that wasn't me.

You're on the Segway.

You're in the Palisades Mall on the Segue getting Roadhead.

Dude, I got to get a picture of Hulk Hogan on his segue.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

What was the name of his friend who he cucked?

Bubba, the love of the

love sponge.

Bubba was in on it.

Planning, you're like a wrestling guy, huh?

Yeah.

I am a wrestling fan, but I'm not like a.

Yeah,

you're not a bitch about it.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think you are.

Who's your favorite one?

Right now?

Yeah, yeah.

Shinsuke Nakamura.

A Japanese?

Japanese, yeah, a Japanese, yeah.

Dizzy good.

Shinsuke Nakumuraru.

Yeah, he's good.

Yeah, he's good.

He doesn't do flips.

No, he doesn't do a lot of flips, flips, but he like kicks people in the balls a lot.

No, he has no rules.

He's an Eddie Guerrero.

No rules.

Well, he's not like Eddie Guerrero.

Eddie Guerrero is Mexican.

God rest his soul.

Cheat to win, dude.

I miss him so much.

Yeah.

Everybody laughing today, like cut.

I cut just all the context out of this George Carlin day.

Limey frog.

squarehead, kraut, jerry, hun, chink, jap, nip, slope, slope head, zip, zipperhead, kuke, heep, seed, pipe, merkey,

dago, guinea,

ginzo.

He never drops an endball.

He does it before, but I took that part out.

I googled Pulk Hogan on a segue, and I got a nice gif.

Is it called GIF of Hussein Bolt being run down by a Segway?

No, that's perfect.

It's Hussain Bolt.

No, it's not Hussain Bolt.

Ooh, you said Hussein.

Yeah, Hussein Bolt, the fast terrorist.

Saddam Hussein was not a terrorist.

He was a strong man that led his country through a lot of struggle.

Despite the West's fucking interference, he made shit.

This is a fucked-up state and made it a pretty okay place to live for a lot of people.

This is a Bathist podcast.

Bubble Bathists.

Yeah, Bubble Bathists.

That's not talking about gay,

gay, Sunni socialist.

Wasn't there a guy named Chemical Ali?

Yeah.

He's part of the Chemical Brothers.

He's really into Him.

He did IDM.

I used to listen to IDM when I was in a hospital.

What's IDM?

Intelligent Dance Music.

What?

It's the gayest name for any type of socialist genre.

Yeah.

What is an artist?

It's like Apex Twin.

Adam got broken up

by a DJ, so now he has to shit on his favorite type of music.

That's why he's been so depressed the last 10 years, is because she took his heart.

Intelligent

intelligent dick munching.

That's what you do.

Nick's being quiet right now, but he also really used to like IDM, too.

I still do.

I still like Apex Twin.

Really?

Yeah, me too.

What are those songs?

You fucking bitch.

Won't you say dance?

What is it?

It means for white people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It means like there's no way that Hispanics could dance to this.

Make your girlfriend cheat on it.

You can't work to it.

Yeah.

Latino guys can't steal your girlfriend to it.

That makes it intelligent.

I don't want to hear any fucking flamenco.

There's too much computer.

Yes.

There are too many computer noises.

You don't know how to fuck your wife.

That's right.

You don't.

Computers confuse me.

Anything that you can use to read.

I do not know how to read.

I only know how to fucking dance.

What's an Apex Twin song?

They have Sandstorm by DeRude.

Is that it?

My favorite.

My favorite Apex Twin album is

Selected Ambient.

That's everybody's favorite.

Yeah, yeah.

The first top one.

The first one is the best.

I mean, it's like almost perfect.

It's really good.

Can you beatbox it right now?

No.

Okay.

Lewis bullied some homeless man into the beatboxing of the skang swinger there one time.

Jesus, and I was laughing at him, and then the guy was like, got mad at me, and like,

not that he wanted to fight, but it's like he was like, No, I'm oh boy, laugh at me, and it's like, all right, all right.

And then Lewis is like egging him on.

It's like, Lewis, I'm not gonna fight a homeless man

for your podcast, I'm not gonna do that.

Meet up a guy that lives outside

as a comedy bit,

goddamn, Yeah.

And then the guy went to the bathroom and Lewis starts going through his backpack.

I'm like, please don't do that.

And he's like, what has he got in here?

And of course it's like napkins to wipe his ass with.

Shit's outside.

The essentials.

Because he lives outside.

He's like, it's just all fucking napkins.

And it's like, yeah, I'm sure it's just napkins.

He's homeless.

Yeah, take that motherfucker down a couple notches, Lewis.

Yeah.

Lewis.

Fucking bitch.

Why don't you punch down to the homeless?

The homeless guy that's squatting on the floor taking a shit.

How about the combless?

And it's a guy with a bad haircut.

That's good.

Oh, I like that.

So, Justin, we had you on the show because Nick,

one of the organizations that he hates the most is the United Parcel Service.

Oh, really?

That makes two of them.

No, I actually don't have beef with UPS.

It's more the USPS.

The United States Postal Service.

Yeah, completely different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, are they your rivals?

Dude, I don't even know how.

I know we're losing a lot of business to FedEx, but that just means I have to work less, which is sick.

Getting headaches.

Getting headaches.

Getting head express.

Dude, but FedEx is like not union.

If you like bring it up, they have Secret Service guys coming out of a truck.

Mark my words.

I'm going to tell you this right now.

I guarantee you, next two years, FedEx will go back to being Federal Express, and they're going to change all the logos to the retro logo.

You think so?

I guarantee you, they'll fucking guaranteed.

Easy money.

I will bet.

In fact,

how would you bet?

Has it been 30 minutes?

No.

Oh, 22, 50.

We'll wait eight minutes and I'll tell you what.

And then he'll tell you how he would bet.

Fuck, this mic keeps fucking up.

Why do you hate USPS so much?

Do we really not have another cord?

You can look, dude.

We need to buy another cord.

Do they not get your packages to you on time?

Yeah.

My friend just is texting me because she accidentally had sex during her fertility window that she tracks using this fertility app.

Oh, that shit is bullshit.

This period tracker app.

Did she get raw dogs?

Yeah, she got raw dogs.

She got fucked out.

Did she get her fucking pussy podcast?

Yeah,

she just power washed last night.

Dude, who goes to Nick in a situation like this?

Who's like, yo, you know who I should reach out to?

Nick Muller.

Who's going to be podcasting to a quarter million people right now?

Who can talk me?

Who this

Yeah, I mean, the guy with the devil in his eyes.

When something bad happens to somebody, his eyes light up.

Yeah, I don't know why these women.

Dude, one time I saw a guy get hit by a car and Nick's eyes lit up and he actually showed personality for five minutes.

When did we see someone get hit by a car?

I was just fucking around.

We did it.

I was about to say that.

I'd be sick.

But I did see you the day

you saw the dog get his head stuck in a window.

You were glowing.

Yeah, it was great.

Dude, you could fucking...

He was on 8th Avenue, but you could see him from 5th.

Yep, the dog got its head caught in a revolving door.

His little dog, it got stuck in the back.

Yeah, I was taking a video.

I was trying to sell it to the news.

Now, imagine, imagine.

Oh, because I was going to your show that day.

Okay.

And I walked past Nick, and, you know, I mean,

and then I had to explain to my girlfriend who Nick was when he was like, dude, he just like casual, like,

dude, we see him on the street and he's like, yeah, man, I got this fucking dog, got his head stuck in a revolving door.

I'm going to sell it to the news.

I mean, dude, what do you say in that situation?

Good luck selling that video to the news.

I mean,

I could probably have gotten a couple thousand dollars.

Yeah, you're like J.

Gyllenhausen.

Well, you sell them to different news outlets, but you get fucking $25 here, $50 there, a couple different outlets.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's big news.

People love $4,000, you think you'd make.

$25 at a pop.

$25 a pop.

Good luck selling that story to the news.

It's all the local New York news stations, all 500 of them.

Coming up next, a dog with his head caught in a revolving door.

Look at this dumbass, bitch-ass dog.

And if you thought we had any more information on that, we don't.

Dude, and how retarded I am when he told me he was going to sell it to the news.

For a second, I was like, that's not a bad idea.

It's not a bad idea.

I don't know,

an hour later, I was like, yo, what the fuck?

I don't think it's a bad idea.

I think it's a good idea.

It's just a very sinister idea.

Yeah, you're capitalizing on the suffering of a people.

Shut up.

What?

Oh, I think there's a union job going on in your backyard right now.

Maybe we should close the window.

No, maybe we shouldn't, motherfucker.

Maybe you should close your legs and stop riding that chair like

a fucking Sibian.

Maybe you should move to a neighborhood you belong in.

Yeah, that's right.

South Williamsville.

Dude, those guys.

That's a little Brooklyn joke for you guys.

I biked down to Coney Island yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of Jews.

They keep Ocean Jesus.

Yeah, they just keep going all the way down there.

That is just going to be Israel.

They do?

Yeah, they go way down there.

All the way down.

But like off of Oceania,

Syrian Jews.

There's Syrian Jews?

Russian Jews.

Yeah, yeah.

There's like all types of

fucked up type of Jews down there.

Yeah.

Do they have big titties?

I was upset.

I went to get food at this restaurant

and it ended up being just composed of bullshit.

Yeah, go ahead.

Answer the door, Adam.

We got a little surprise

knocking on the door.

Guess what?

This is a fucking USP ass guy.

Yeah.

Adam just did the jerking off a guy's cock into his mouth motion.

Yeah, and then he said five minutes, I think.

He's like, give me a half hour.

Who was it?

It was Max's buddy Davis, who actually listens to the show.

But he listens to Cometown.

Apparently, he told me at 1.5 speed.

And he said that your Stav's laugh is...

Just insane.

Demonic.

It sounds great.

I'm going to do some extra high-pitched quick ones for you because it's 1.5.

Let's do a comedy pocket that's like predicated on timing and jokes.

At 1.5, yeah, yeah.

Just because you want to get all the info.

You want to get all the facts.

That's like how you play an emulator for like a fucking video game of like a slow RPG.

I got some emulators.

You can get one right now.

I know I could, but.

Dude, they're harder to find because Nintendo keeps taking everything down.

They're easy.

You just got to torrent all the shit.

I thought you got that shit sent to you from Ukraine.

Dude, there's one.

I do.

I have that.

I got this.

You'll like this.

So I got this thing from Ukraine.

It's like an N64 cartridge with an SD card slot on it.

Oh, yeah.

I know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

And it has every game on it.

Yep.

Yeah.

That rules.

It rules, but you get bored of it after like two hours.

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah, no, it is honestly like, dude, I have all the emulators.

I have a computer hooked up to my fucking TV in the living room.

Yeah, I used to have that set up.

Yeah, yeah, with the HDMI.

Yeah.

And I have all the emulators on there, but you're like, dude, I'm going to play so much Super Nintendo.

Then you realize how annoying the games are and how hard they are.

The only one I was like,

jumping and shooting.

Because I used to have a call center job, so I'd bring my laptop in and I had like a USB SNES controller.

Yeah, I have one of those too.

The only game I played consistently for more than like now,

Earthbound.

Earthbound, I like play two or three.

And that's a game you play on one half speed.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that the worm game?

No, that's Earthworm G.

That's Earthworm G.

Earthbound is like an RPG.

Yeah.

It's basically like Pokemon.

That wasn't.

It wasn't popular in America until like a year ago.

What kind of Pokemon do you catch?

You don't catch any Pokemon.

Well, then how's it like?

It just looks like

you just walk around.

All those games have the same look.

It's like you've got to get it.

Yeah, it's like Final Fantasy.

So

who do you fight with?

You're in a crew of

guys.

You have a crew of your boys.

Nice.

And you go around these.

And then you run into monsters and shit.

And then it's like the same kind of shit.

It's like that.

Dude, it's too much like real life.

You know, how we just

fucking attack Boston's on the street.

We just found that dog that got his head pedophile yeah i'm just a regular jewish guy

like kill him

let's kill this pedophile

like i'm just a jewish man i don't think that's a very funny job i think it's a very funny job that funny

what do you think what are these pants you got to get one of those acidic jewish pants these are my pictures that cameron would wear you know what i'm talking about they are really nice you do look like an auschwitz prisoner yeah they they are literally the boy with the striped pajamas that's too much you can't have those out there it looks like

what's the boy with the striped pajamas he looks He makes a friend through the fence.

He makes a friend.

There's a hole in the wall, and this man sticks part of himself through a round.

It's like

befriends the

bullish guy that puts his dick through the hole.

Can you wear a chain link fence?

He looks like you were going to a Halloween party as Beetlejuice, but then you got into a fight with your girlfriend.

That's my favorite shit.

You had to wash the makeup off.

Literally, my favorite shit in the world is like at 2 a.m.

Having sex with a man.

Seeing couples getting into fights

in couples' costumes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that is actually pretty funny.

Like seeing a depressed guy wearing a dress and stuff.

Yeah.

Doing those like gender switches.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, babe.

Seeing Mrs.

Potato Head take a piss behind a car.

Yeah, domestic dispute as a power range.

Damn, dude, this fucking shit keeps fucking up.

It keeps fucking up.

Yeah, the wires are fucking fire.

These are

shout out to these pants.

They are very comfortable.

They are the Uniqlo Easy Pants.

But they are

Adam's boy pussy.

More like uniquely gay.

God is that.

Yeah, that got too much of a laugh.

I thought that was too loud for my shit for a laugh.

I laugh at your shit for real.

And when you go do it all the time,

you get a punch.

You get the fist.

I'm going to start punching Adam.

You punched him on the last one.

I did punch him on the last one.

In the premium episode.

I do think we should start hitting.

On the premium episode, we should start hitting hitting more.

Patreon.com/slash come town.

Please subscribe to Premium to hear the break.

Can you hear the punch?

No, it isn't.

You sort of can, I think.

No, this is the regular.

Oh, this is a regular.

Oh, this isn't a premium episode.

I bet you.

I would bet.

I bet you this is the regular episode.

This is not a premium episode.

I want you to go erase that Lawson story

and move it to a premium.

The one about him walking behind the mall.

That's a premium episode.

Justin, we've burned so many bridges on this show.

No, no, I'm not talking about the bridge burning.

I'm just talking about Jeff Bridges.

I'm not talking about Bridges.

Just Madison County.

Oh, my God.

What a piece of shit that was.

The Two Bridges neighborhood.

Yeah, you said your family listens to this podcast.

Bridges Over the River Kawai.

No, they don't listen to this.

Bridget Nielsen's

pussy.

Bridge.

Do you remember the episode where we were watching that movie and stuff?

It was freaking out.

Bridge Kawhi originally.

Yeah, they've ruined that movie for me forever.

I guess I never even considered that.

It's just sucks.

I love that movie.

I love that movie.

What movie?

Bridge of the Bridge of Mario Kwai?

I've never seen it.

Just about a guy there's Ali Winnis.

Alec Guinness is this British officer and his platoon is

ordered to surrender to the Japanese.

So he's in a POW camp and he like followed the orders to surrender even though he didn't want to.

And then he's in the camp and then the Commandant's trying to make the officers do labor and he's like...

Look at the fucking rules in the Geneva Convention or whatever.

I don't have to do manual labor.

I'm an officer.

He's like, You can't make me do, you know, it's a war crime to make me do labor.

And so he won't, like, order his men to work, and they won't work because he won't order them to work.

Right.

And then so the Japanese guy, like, beats him and torches him, and he realizes he can't do it until eventually he says, like, okay, you won't have to work.

Order your men to work.

And then they do work.

And it's like this triumphant moment.

But, like, still the entire, his entire platoon is, like, or

doing slave labor.

Yeah, whatever, whatever the organizational.

His triumph is that he doesn't have to be

working

himself on that.

Oh, wait, so he's supposed to be the hero in the movie?

Yeah,

then

they built the Japanese a bridge, and then he's like, we're going to build a proper British bridge, and this is going to be great British engineering,

and then it gets blown up.

Spoiler.

Which it should have gotten blown up, yeah.

Yeah, and which they should have sabotaged it themselves.

Place bets on

how the bridge would blow up.

That'd be a good thing.

What do for us.

So, anyways, we should bet on how soon it's going to be FedEx.

They do the thing I said earlier.

Okay.

And where would you?

We should bet on that at betdsi.com, everybody.

Wow.

Wow.

Justin, are you a gambler?

No.

You should be.

You should go to BetDSI.

In fact, when you said no, I heard a hint of yes in there.

Wouldn't you?

It almost sounds like you are a gambler and you've used betdsi.com.

Haven't you?

They're easy to use mobile.

Every day.

Every day.

Every day, yeah.

Every day, dude.

Look, we have a guy on the podcast.

Nobody knows who he is.

Turns out he uses Bet DS

because it's that easy.

Play, bet, win.

You download their app, you have a good time.

They offer live in-game wagering.

So you can change your bet.

Let's say you bet $2 million,

which we do every day.

The Broncos are going to win the Super Bowl, right?

And then it's

fourth quarter, Super Bowl, right?

Yeah.

Fourth down.

Whoa.

180 yards to go.

Wow.

They're in the parking lot.

180 yards to go.

And

it's the Cowboys and the

Broncos.

They're not even in there.

And you say, I'm going to change my payment.

You can change your mind.

You can change your mind, then switch your $2 million

with the same odds.

If I am to understand what live in game wages are.

That's not correct, but it doesn't matter.

Go to betthesi.com.com.

Betthesi.com, check it out.

Use promo code CUM25, capital C lowercase UM25 to get 25% plus on your your deposit plus 200%

or $200

extra dollars to bet on whatever you fucking like because it doesn't even have to be sports.

It doesn't even have to be sports.

Be like that FedEx thing I said earlier.

Yeah, I would bet if my if I ever stretch my dick hole out, I stop doing the dick hole exercises.

But I gotta do them again.

Your shit got tight again?

My shit's tight as fuck.

Flanagan, you gotta fucking

tight.

No, I don't have a foreskin.

I'm gonna call my foreskin my dick pussy.

Wait, what are you guys' picks?

You gotta give me picks.

Okay, so I it's working with Russia, dude.

And I'm going, I've decided I'm putting all my weight behind Team Mexico because their team nickname is L-Tree.

And you know what that reminds me of?

Smoking weed.

Smoking weed.

And like I said, Russia, because it's all fixed.

Putin's going to win.

It's Putin's year.

So get those picks hot.

Yeah.

World Cup picks.

And you know what?

It really makes watching sporting events way more fun.

That's the thing.

I will already believe it.

It makes watching sporting events way more fun.

So once again, go to betdsi.com.

Use promo code

capital C lowercase um 25.

And I'm sorry, you get a free $25 wager.

Damn, bitch.

And then 200% extra bonus when you do it.

Deposit, you fucking.

That's come 25.

Get your free wager and start winning today.

Today, motherfuckers.

I'll tell you what else happened today.

What's that?

What happened?

I don't remember.

You got a burrito?

I'll tell you what happened.

I got a burrito.

How was it?

Yeah.

Was it good?

Yeah, what kind of burrito did you get?

It's a California burrito, they call it.

It's got fries, it's got French fries in it.

Oh, sick.

San Diego.

You ever been to California?

No.

Yeah, it sucks.

Where's the most exotic place you've ever been?

The Bahamas.

Nice.

I went on a cruise with my family.

Dude, I fucking.

This one.

Was a cruise fun?

You fuck on the cruise.

No, no.

I was like 17.

You can fuck on a cruise.

I think about going on a cruise.

I don't know.

I don't know how to go on a cruise.

Dude, this fucking guy gave me a bracelet, right?

Uh-huh.

Ooh.

And you know, like, you're like,

you're like a 90-day American retard.

Yeah.

And I'm like, yo, it's a nice bracelet.

Then he asked me for a tip, and I was like, I don't have any money.

He just like ripped the bracelet off me.

Hell, I do have a beautiful bracelet for you.

What kind of guy was it?

Jamaican.

A Bahamian.

Yeah.

How do you say somebody from

Bahamian?

Yeah, Jamaican.

Jamaican.

Dude, whatever his voice sounded, Jamaican.

Yeah, patois.

Yeah, yeah.

A little bit of a patois.

A little bit of a bati boy.

Used to be a comic that would give this joke about how he's like, yeah, I use my patois.

He would always say, use my patois.

Like it wasn't an accent that some people just have.

But what is it?

There's a voice that you would affect.

Yeah.

Huh?

What you talking about, brood boy?

It's like,

you hear me now.

We're going to star up my asshole and let them brood boys fuck it.

that's a patois so the bahamas huh with the whole fam with the fam yeah man nice dude they are too relaxed about like stingrays and shit

like you're like swimming and they're like there's a stingray under you and they're just like yeah that thing could kill you and you're like why the fuck am i here yeah yeah yeah but a lot of things could kill you that's true that's a good point dude the stingrays if they don't they can't kill you they killed steve iron with like a freak accident

yeah they only kill you if your dick is really really the thing went like directly into that part which was like like never happened.

He was also probably doing some dumb shit, too.

Of course, he was

sliding his cock.

Yeah, yeah,

he's definitely fucked an animal.

We're getting a little slippery here.

Shout out to his old daughter, Anthony Reddit.

Yeah, she's got huge tips.

I would love to say this up.

No, you're not supposed to be.

Bindy?

Yeah, Bindy.

Dude, isn't his son like the crocodile hunter?

Cindy, but it's Cindy.

I call her Bindy because she's Bindy's and now she's F's.

Does she have big tits?

For real, though?

Yeah, she does.

Is she 18 and plus?

Shooters.

She's got big old hoots.

She's 18?

So his son is the crocodile hunter?

Nah, his daughter.

His son's crocodile Dundee.

Yep.

His daughter's a hunter.

She puts on the khaki shit now.

Really?

His son does that shit, too.

Really?

Yeah.

Come on.

Do some original shit.

Yeah, dude.

Who wants to hit the hunter?

Get into the family of alligator hunters?

Look at what an ugly child she was, too.

Nah, I mean, she's kind of cute.

That's an ugly child.

She looks like a fucking ape.

Why are you saying baby?

Yeah, dude, that's not even from Google.

That's saved on his phone.

That's the background of my phone.

Because I believe in progress.

She's kind of ugly.

Let's see, current Bindy.

The ugliest of children can grow up to be a child.

I'm trying to smash Dindy.

Bindy's kind of thick, dude.

If anyone knows Bindy, tell her I said what's up.

Bindy's like,

I mean, look at that.

They got to do an episode where she gets fucking catcalled by the crocodile.

She's a crocodile wearing like fucking

just like a big linen suit and spats and shit.

A fedora.

Got gators on it.

Doesn't make sense.

Yeah, I killed my own friend.

I killed my own friend for datator.

I killed my.

You know how many gators I killed?

Gator, please.

Come on, oh yeah.

Give me some of that human pussy.

I hate these gators.

These dark ass gators.

Come on, these dark-skinned

dark-ass gators.

gab-skinned alligator.

Dark-ass gab.

Hey, little mama.

Why don't you come over here?

Feed me up.

Oh, yeah, she's 19.

Nice.

Dude, I want to say I didn't say anything crazy.

All I said was they got to get the crocodiles.

Oh, yeah.

I both said she had big tits, that she was ugly as a child, and I did that African-American alligator that doesn't like

the self-racism.

Yeah.

The self-racism.

I'm the black.

Yeah, these dark-ass motherfucking gators.

Boom and all my shit.

I'll try to have a nice Sunday, dude.

Don't be afraid of all the shit.

That's a fucking UCB class character.

You got to leave.

Dude, I'm going to fucking sign up for classes at UCB.

Always go back on.

Dude, you got to like write a sketch, Puerto Rican alligator.

Oh, Derm.

She does it.

Okay.

That's enough.

So I'll give you, can I give you

a character and then a location?

You can't give me shit.

No, no, go ahead.

Let me give you a logo.

Oh, to do a joke.

You're at.

The character is you are a librarian.

Yeah.

And you are at the zoo.

All right.

Let me go ahead.

Let's hear it.

Where are them motherfucking books at?

Why are these motherfucking animals here?

I only like books.

Where are these motherfucking books at, man?

I thought this was a library.

A library.

This is like a library.

This is like a library for a girl.

I can't, man.

Where's the motherfucking library at, man?

I don't need to say fuck with all these motherfucking animals.

You see me?

I'll tell you something.

You need to put your animals in alphabetical order.

But you would have to do that with a friend.

Look, if any of you have the money and time to sign up for UCB, if we could just flood UCB with people

earning

the class boys.

Dude, they got to all wear alligator costumes.

Every fucking spin.

And UCB for whatever, they don't understand why they're getting all these people signing up.

Doing that on the only character that they do.

Man, what?

This ain't even my motherfucking time machine.

Shit.

Motherfucker.

I'm trying to have, man, why not?

My time machine got to be at Cadillac El Dorado.

You know what I'm saying?

Talking about

a Fleawood Brawl

going through time and shit.

I give you the time right now.

Look at Dereko.

That's the time right now.

Time machine with wrens.

Yeah.

They go to time right now.

The big hand, the little hand.

Like, okay, this one is Donald Trump being indicted for

by Mueller for stealing the election.

Go.

Man, I ain't steal shit.

That's me.

Dark-ass Donald.

Here I come.

What, you like my hair?

Don't touch it.

Don't be touched.

Just slap me.

Yeah, yeah.

You better not be touching my dark ass hair.

This weave.

Yeah, and then you pay so much money for the classes that they can't kick you out.

They probably couldn't kick you out for being that level of racist, as long as you didn't say anything like that.

No, that's just your comedic style.

I'm just doing that's a voice.

Okay, let's try a different character.

It's racist.

I'm seeing a lot of

overlap in a lot of your characters.

It's racist to assume that's a black voice.

Right, it could just be Donald Trump.

Or a white person that talks like that.

You could just think that's how Donald Trump sounds.

I do.

You could be confusing Donald Trump with iced tea.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that's right.

First, you got to steal the election.

You got to colloo with the rough.

First, you gotta.

Oh, shit.

I think.

Put your phone away, Adam.

Damn.

Damn, damn, damn, damn.

Phone check.

So, Justin, did any wild shit ever happen in your childhood?

In your...

Yeah, dude, that was.

All right, well, we've got to burn down on black guys.

Tell us about New Jersey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wild shit happened in the world.

You ever get raped?

Yeah.

You ever been massive?

No, man.

I was never a massive.

Where in New Jersey are you from?

Serreville.

Serreville.

What kind of place is it?

More like Servixville.

Just like a suburban.

North Jersey?

Central.

Central.

Yeah.

I don't understand because North Jersey means right outside New York.

Central Jersey means 30 minutes outside of New York.

And South Jersey is just like north of Philadelphia.

Then you got all this extra New Jersey that goes like way south.

What the fuck is this?

Is this it, Nick?

So true.

Dude, there's like a big argument on it right now on Facebook.

Look, somebody found an SD card on the train.

Plug that shit in.

See what's on there.

Nothing wild ever happened to me.

Go through people's files.

How many times do I need to say this?

No, there was never a race where I was like the only white kid in my high school for like, I got kicked out of high school as a freshman.

I was like, for being white.

Yeah, no, no.

Can you believe that?

There was a lot of white people in my first high school.

Listen to this, folks.

We have a young man here who's been kicked out of the business.

Kicked out of his school.

The first shit is that you had to go to school with blacks.

Yeah, well,

first was punished.

Are you saying it's not a punishment?

Who was punished for not being dark enough?

They said, get this light-skinned boy.

Why'd you get kicked out?

Dude, I fucking hugged a teacher.

What?

Like, as a joke, I like fucking, he kicked me out and he kept kicking me out.

And I went back and I was like, yo, let's just patch this up.

And he hugged.

And I hugged him as, like, a joke.

He, like, pushed me to the ground and filed sexual harassment.

What?

Dude, the worst part is...

The worst part.

It's a a fucking true story.

Yeah, he looks like the fucking penguin from Batman, too.

That's like the worst part.

There's like mad teachers.

Yeah.

All the other characters.

The regular ass penguins.

Can you imagine being such a loser that you're around 14 and 15 year olds and then you like you're terrified of them touching you?

Yeah, I was like also, I wasn't like strong enough to like hold him.

That guy went sexually cash.

I don't want to be a victim blamer.

I don't want to be a victim blamer, but I definitely couldn't have taken that pussy, you know.

He would have had to have given it.

Yeah, honestly.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

What was he wearing, though?

Break down that outfit for us.

All right, so he was a wood shop teacher.

Oh, he shouldn't have been wearing that.

Hey, dude, I'm like, dude, this fucking wood shop.

Show me how to fucking work with wood, you know?

He had to

run his cocks in the scroll saw after that.

He fucking just cut it off real quick.

Dude, just what would you picture a fucking wood shop teacher in?

Like, dickies you buy from Walmart.

Sure, yep.

Button-up shirt you buy from Walmart.

The shittier dickies that they have at Walmart.

Yeah, yeah.

What is that shit called?

What?

Yeah, they have like a work.

They're called genuine shitties.

Chico's.

There's like a workwear thing.

Isn't that the brand Chico?

No, dude, they actually do have a...

Dickies has a shittier type of dickies

that they sell at Walmart called genuine dickies.

Oh, interesting.

That's how you know something's not genuine when they have to play genuine in front of the door.

Walmart had two, like the Walmart house brand was like starter for a couple years.

I don't know if starter became cool again, but it's sort of getting it.

They fell off hard and were just like, you could buy starter shit at Walmart.

I have a good character.

Yeah, okay.

Guy who doesn't realize that starter is not hot anymore and it's still rocking it.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

I would love to watch it.

And he's like, shit, man.

He looked at me like I was going to do it.

This motherfucker's not cool as hell.

I'm not here wearing Avarex

and Anichi.

I got my Anichi on.

Those are my favorite kind of stuff.

I got my side pole denim.

Which people?

No, when they just wear it.

That's the only people wearing Avarax anymore.

No, I'm talking about

just still wearing the fucking Pele Pele sweatsuits.

Yeah, or like the fucking, you got to buy it at Foreman Mills.

If you go into the deepest section of a Foreman Mills, you could still find jeans with the NBA logos.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

NBA shorts.

Those are coming back.

Seriously.

Those rule.

Yeah, the people are just fans of the league.

Like, not even a team.

I love sport.

Dude, that's the same thing.

I'm wearing NBA shorts.

You got to get the patches.

I do need the patches.

You got to sew some fucking patches on those shorts.

Well, once you fuck, the way you get those is you get a patch for every player of every team that you fucked.

So once I start fucking more players.

Should we start a motorcycle club?

Who's fuckable on the Nets?

You should start on the Nets.

Jeremy Lynn.

Jeremy Lynn.

Dwight Howard got bought out, right?

Yeah, he's not on the team.

Yeah, dude.

He was on the team for like a day.

Wait, so Joe,

can we we go back to them

kicking you out for hugging some people?

So you were 13?

Yeah, what year are you a freshman in high school?

14.

14, 15.

I think I was like 24.

Oh, so you were.

Did you fail ever?

I was 13.

Wait, and then they say you were to a black school?

Well, it wasn't a black school necessarily.

It was an alternative school.

It was like a reform.

What's called for sexual hugs?

Seriously, for hugging?

Yeah, yeah.

They took it that damn.

I used to eat my teacher's pussies, and I didn't get any punishments.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, dude, I don't believe that.

I didn't see any conviction in your ass.

Look at this guy.

Hell yeah.

That guy rocked.

But we sucked our penis.

Yeah, somebody pointed out his.

It looks like his dick is completely hard, too.

That's the thrill of performance.

Hell yeah, dude.

I get stiff as fuck every set I do.

Every open mic, I come in my jeans.

Oh, wait.

Breaking news.

Chris Chan has had some sort of public meltdown.

Oh, no.

Who?

Chris Chan.

Transwoman, I guess.

He's on the ground at some convention.

At Otacon.

Security is at Too Many Games convention.

I don't know what that is.

But he's on the ground.

This is.

Justin's showing us a picture of a guy having a hard-ass day.

Who is that?

I'm not going to tell you.

You're not going to say his name.

Jesus fucking Christ.

It just showed up on my Facebook feed.

Just a picture of a guy with a heart on it.

Caroline.

You should comment.

You should comment.

When you love comedy too much.

When that you shit hit.

what's going on nick what are you playing it's it's still chris having a meltdown he's just lying on the floor and refusing to meet me yeah or it's they come on they

oh yeah they i forgot he's trans now

i'm naming all my kids they i don't want to fuck up his pronouns so i guess he's she

want to suck a man's dick the guy who drinks come on camera yeah well bottoms up.

Show that video, right?

Oh, God.

Yeah, you showed it.

Drinking cum with Phantan.

That's so funny.

Like, this people

posting this, like, oh, he's having a public meltdown.

It's like, yeah, this video should start in 2003.

This public meltdown has been happening when he was bullied into being a girl.

Yeah, yeah.

That's tough.

Yeah.

Wasn't he just like even a good-looking guy, sort of, at some point?

Yeah.

Somebody responds, why LMAO?

This isn't funny.

Yes, it is.

Sorry, but it is.

It is funny.

It's sad, but also good to hopefully see this kind of behavior from him end.

We know it won't, but we can hope.

Why do you give a shit?

We can't hope.

Just stop pretending like you're not laughing at these people.

Because I fucking hate.

Like, people that don't have the courage to sit there and gawk at somebody that they enjoy the humility.

He's very funny.

You'll be like, no, I care about him.

Yeah.

You're laughing at bb every single person that enjoy 100 because he's retarded because he's oh nick you remember that guy what was his name ed jimenez who is that david

david jimenez austin yeah i was trying to dude i didn't have your number the other day i was trying to text you because i was trying to tell somebody about like this guy and i couldn't like figure out his name

dude jimenez he pops up sometimes in like law and order episodes and you'll just see it's like a cop in the background just like yeah dude he's got like the fucking most intense eyes yeah really I mean, he looks like you think I got fucking shark eyes.

This guy's yeah, dude, he's like, if Nick was like eight times more retarded in the eyes,

do you think he's done anything despicable to anyone?

No, he's got like murder eyes, though.

Everything about him is bizarre.

You don't think he's done anything?

I think he's done something weird.

Because he would do comedy, and I always got the impression from him that he didn't know why he was doing comedy.

It just always seemed like, well, that's what you do.

You grow up, you get a job.

Go to a mic.

What were his bits like?

It was just like.

Oh, you're saying he thought he got hired as a comedian and just had to do it?

Yeah.

It's like he just

went to school for HVAC.

He explains that he's doing comedy the same way he would explain why he's went to the grocery store that day.

Or like the DMV.

I had to go pick up groceries.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess I had to just do an open mic.

Is he here?

Is he here in Austin?

He was here.

That's how I knew him.

He was here.

What were his jokes?

Do you remember anything?

No, he would, like, mumble through everything.

He would always talk about being like a background actor.

Hell yeah.

And how like he doesn't understand why he does comedy because background acting pays so much better.

Which comedy pays zero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could be a bum that asks for money on the train, and that pays better than comedy.

Yeah, dude, but he would like sit at the fucking pit.

He would always do the pit mic, and you know how they have, like, those fucking, like,

what do they call those?

Like the stadium seating where you like

he would like always like set up the chair like slightly outside of the spotlight and he would just rant but it would look so crazy because he would never be in the spotlight

and rant

yes 100%

open mic at Kickback Coffee in Austin and he goes on stage and he puts like a stool down and he's got he puts his notes on the stool then he goes up uh

I saw

a story about a high school basketball game where one team beat the other team 100 or nothing.

And

they fired the coach of the team that won because he wouldn't apologize to the coach that lost.

I mean, I just think I think they should have fired the coach that lost.

He goes,

let's see what we got here.

And just goes back to his his notes.

And that was like the joke.

And I thought it was like, yeah, and that guy's like, I thought he was being ironic.

Yeah, I thought it was like a joke.

I'm like, oh, this guy's pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah, pretty good bitch.

But then that guy was like, I need to move.

Talk to him.

Yeah, right.

And it's just all that.

You know, he's like, I remember one time he's like doing a thing.

He's like, I saw this bus go by.

He describes a party bus.

And he's like, and I thought, damn, I'd like to be on in there.

Why?

What are none of the buses I get on like that?

It's like, not even.

comedy is David.

Haminas.

What's this?

Yeah, they can hear it.

Hello.

Oh, he sounds like a

duel.

We used to get picked on for being gay at school,

even though I'm not.

Later, find out that the bully dies in a car crash, and I'm ecstatic.

It's fucking right.

Yeah.

Was it very popular in school?

That was a zero joke.

That was the jokes, you did.

They're just like a joke.

You keep waiting for him to say

he just thinks jokes are just setups.

I just gotta laugh.

This is the funniest person in Austin contest.

He actually beat Nick this year.

Second place.

To Dubai.

At some point, I'm going to need a boat.

That and a lot of determination.

May even invest in a hovercraft.

Oh, nice.

He just walked off this

bit and then walked to the left until he was not visible in the

The joke, if you didn't hear it, was I was thinking about going to Dubai, but I'll probably need a boat at some point and a whole lot of determination.

I'll probably just invest in a hovercraft and then written down, hovercraft impersonation,

walk off stage.

Wow,

that's fucking psyched.

Yeah, no,

he's completely unhitched.

Should we keep watching?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep going.

I mean, I'm not in charge.

I'm into it.

No, Sav doesn't want to watch.

Saf has something else he wants to talk about.

Patrick Swayze cannot leave his shirt on.

It's a disorder.

Hold on.

He's doing a bit about how Patrick Swayze can't leave his shirt on.

Isn't there that other guy who always takes his shirt off?

Like he couldn't do like a more fucking Karen actor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Patrick Swayze in 2015.

He was already dead, I believe.

He was dead?

Damn, that Patrick Swayze.

Swayze's dead, right?

He can't keep it.

A lot of people think he died from cancer, but actually, it's a cold.

He got a cold.

God damn, dude.

No, that's the answer.

I'm going to be making a pot.

He's going to come back as a ghost.

I'm going to be making a pot.

The Everly Brothers is going to come on.

Oh, no.

This is wild.

The best part is when he walks out of frame

every day.

One year at the funniest person in the Austin contest, he ran out of material about three minutes into his set.

And he's like,

where was I?

There's 300 people in there.

How'd he get in?

You just paid $25.

Oh, really?

Ran out of material.

And

he goes,

it's been

said

that, and people already know he's stalling.

So people are already kind of laughing, and he's like getting this confidence.

He's like, it's been said that

Reagan liked dirty jokes, and,

you know, and then people are already laughing.

Yeah, yeah.

And so one day there was a Secret Service

went to his office and he says,

sir, did you heard one about the elephant and the pig?

And he says, No, it was, you know, would not tell it to me.

So it's like a meta joke.

I'm going to tell you a joke.

And he goes, Street jokes?

Can't even think of a street joke.

Because there's a, you know, well, there's

an elephant, and he's fucking this pig.

And the elephant's like, oh, yeah.

You know, he's fucking the pig from behind.

The pig's like, oh, yeah.

And the elephant's like, yeah.

And then

you hear,

stop that.

You know, and then the pig's like, oh, keep going.

And the elephant's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you hear, stop that.

And it's like, well, are you saying that?

Doesn't know where.

And then out from the shadows

steps a panda.

And the panda looks at the pig and the elephant goes, why?

And he says, says, the panda says, because that's my wife.

And then, like, standing ovation.

Like, people just, you can hear the video got taken down, but people were clapping for like, why did it get taken down?

15 seconds.

It says, man.

Dude, I just like that.

I like that he comes out of the shadows.

Up from the shadows.

I actually used to have a shirt with David Jimenez's face on it.

I printed out one of his Facebook shirts with a picture of him, and it said up from the shadow.

And people are like, Is that a band?

And I'd be like, Yeah, it's a band.

I love that joke because it's like, who is speaking?

Is it the Secret Service agent that's saying these things to Reagan?

And this is

saying

Reagan's being told a dirty joke,

either to or by the Secret Service agent.

I feel bad because now I didn't realize how many people are going to go watch this stand up clip for sure.

Yeah.

Comment on it.

You know, whatever.

Oh, he was on America's Got Talent.

Oh, was he?

Hell yeah.

Holy shit.

Yeah, I do think I have a gift for comedy.

I'm a funny guy.

I can make people laugh.

Let's talk about jazz for a minute.

Hell yeah.

Oh, they're giving him the crickets.

They're going to cricket.

Yeah.

Does he even get on stage?

Howard Stern, a guy who has midgets fuck each other on his TV show, just shook his head.

Did he immediately get ex'ed?

He got ex'ed immediately.

But he also.

We're having a contest.

See who's the ugliest woman Harvey Weinstein wouldn't fuck.

He doesn't think.

The worst part is he

put that clip up.

Oh, really?

Yeah, dude.

He's an insane person.

He has these videos, these like sketch videos that he made that are just absolute nonsense.

Just like no.

Yo, it's an acting reel.

It's just an extra.

Yeah, I mean, it's like.

It's an acting reel.

Just him standing in different places.

Dude, this guy can fucking stand anywhere.

Different costumes.

He's completely schizophrenic.

It's like the ramblings of just a guy sitting at McDonald's because he has no place else to go.

Does he live here?

He lives here?

He's doing comedy.

Yeah, he lived here.

I remember I went into an open mic one time and I just saw him standing there and I like freaked out and I had to run outside and call Jake.

I was like, You're never gonna guess who I just fucking saw.

He showed up to a taping of Comedy Knockout.

Whoa.

When I was there, I was like, sometimes the writers have to like hang out on

stage, I guess, to like pitch out shit, I guess, in between rounds.

And I look up, and David's sitting there in the fucking audience.

And I'm like, holy shit, holy shit.

And everyone's like, what's going on?

And I was like, there's this guy.

He's crazy.

Like, do we need to remove him?

I'm like, no.

No, no, no.

No, just life.

Just me played all of his videos.

You're also like,

I don't know.

That would happen to you.

What?

You would know this guy, David Jimenez.

He would be like a lunatic, and then he would just show up everywhere you are for the rest of your life.

It's like God is just giving you people to bully.

It's like, we need this.

Yeah, I guess it is like that.

That way,

for that reason, I shouldn't feel bad about the things I do.

Yeah, it's the Lord.

It's divine intervention.

No, you should feel bad.

No.

You should definitely take it out on yourself in some way.

You're not wrong.

You're certainly not wrong.

Well,

you know,

let's go back to the Justin well.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Can we do one more David Jimenez video?

Sure.

Because there's a 10-second video named Shades, and the thumbnail of the video is just him wearing sunglasses.

So we've got to see if there's what's going on in this video.

Guys, gotta get ready.

Going outside, gotta have your shades

because it's exactly what you wanted it to be.

Oh.

So he took off his shades and there were swimming pool goggles on underneath.

That was the thing.

That actually is pretty funny.

That was funny.

But I don't get it.

You have to

wear shades because it's exactly what you wanted it to be.

Yeah, the words make no sense.

The sight gag.

The sight gag, that's kind of funny.

You know,

that could be now.

Hold on.

You put the sunglasses on.

It's a nice day.

Did I say I have sunglasses on?

Because it's exactly what you want.

That makes sense.

I think you wanted it to be a nice day out.

To wear su your sunglasses.

So you could wear your sun your sun goggles.

Which has fucking goggles, though.

Swimmers?

You know?

Yeah.

You don't strike me as a big swimmer.

No, I had a when I grew up, the house I grew up in had a swimming pool in the backyard.

Really?

Big swimmer.

Ooh, really?

It's a big swimmer.

About the ocean.

Is it like a lap swim thing?

Just like a regular pool?

It's just a regular pool.

In-ground pool.

Ooh, inground.

In your grandparents' house.

But there's, you know, you can't swim in that.

You just sit in those.

No, no, no, you think it's above.

You're thinking above ground.

Yeah.

I mean, even in-ground, they're not like...

No, what are you talking about?

A pool?

No, they're not oval-shaped.

It's like...

You can't do Olympic lap swimming.

It's not an Olympic swimming pool, but it's like the same shape.

It's like rectangular.

It's got a low end and a deep end.

Yeah,

there's an end that you fucking jump into.

Interesting.

Okay.

So

when you search David Jimenez actor, Harvey Weinstein's picture comes up.

Oh, you raped him.

That's a good point.

Maybe.

I feel like some funny

Jersey trashy shit must have happened in that pool.

Or was that before you?

Oh, I fucked it.

Why do you keep trying to get stories about him being molested?

Did you fuck

froggy style in that pool?

I don't think I've ever ever fucked.

I've had sex in the pool, but

she hasn't fucked in a pool, though.

I haven't.

You haven't?

And it's like.

And then I'll be fucking fucking fucking.

You probably float to the top.

That's why.

Stop trying to fuck, and they both just.

Yeah,

she just uses my body as a floating device.

Remember you complain about that fat girl trying to get you to come over?

That, like, I got a pool.

Who's coming?

What was that story?

It was outside a sock bar.

Tell that story.

Tell the story about that.

It's her name, too.

I don't remember, but there was a woman who kept trying to get everyone to come over to her pool.

Just a fat girl that wanted everyone to come over to the pool.

And then when it would become a little bit more than a hundred pool in Brooklyn?

Nah, it was in Baltimore.

Oh, in Baltimore.

And then when it became clear, like,

everyone was like, yeah, yeah.

And then when all of her hot friends bailed, everyone was like, nah, we can't come this way.

Damn, I forgot about that.

I would love to hit a pool.

I'm reading through his tweets now.

Yeah, dude, pools are fucking sick.

Yeah, dude, I'm sorry

I got Nick started on this David Jimenez.

How about after this, we all go down to the New York City Departments of Parks and Recreation.

We all get ourselves a nice little pool pass for the rest of the year.

It's open, right?

They are open.

Yeah.

It's $200 for the year.

You get access to every pool in New York City.

My grandma still has the same pool.

Yeah.

Should we go to the business?

Should we go down to New Jersey?

I'm not going to

do it.

I'm not going to fucking New Jersey.

He wants us to go to Six Flags Great Adventure.

How far is it?

45 minutes.

Not Six Flags.

Six Flags.

It's closer than six flags.

Six flags, great adventure, 45 minutes by bus.

Fuck that.

Leaving directly from Penn Station.

I'm not doing that.

Board Authority.

Dude, if you got to

be six fags.

It'd be nice.

Got us.

We are.

It's us twice.

Not me, dude.

Nah, you specifically.

You're.

Well, if I was fags, I'd be like 13 of them.

Fucking six.

Yeah.

I don't know about that.

Yeah, Nick is actually just 13 fags in a raincoat.

Whole goddamn stack of faggots.

I'm sorry, Michael.

What character is this?

Oh, it's a black guy who's made out of faggots.

You're supposed to be a bank teller.

So I don't know if

we don't need anything more than just a regular bank teller.

Play it straight.

Go, man, I don't work no damn bank.

I'm a black man made out of faggots.

Now put me on the Mod team.

Put my multiple faggot ass on the Mod team before I bust a faggot

just drag him out

they're like look he does this but he's the only person here who hasn't raped anybody

put him on the mod team

damn let's join ucb guys that's what we should do with the money yeah infiltrate infiltrate dude i'm getting i i want to be

i'm trying to get into being sneaky this year oh yeah yeah what are some of your sneaky goals um hiding things in people's assholes while they're asleep Just little, like make little plastic bullet-shaped things that you can twist open.

And you put little messages in there.

So I would wake up and find something in my head.

And you're like, I don't feel well.

And then you would shit out something that looked like a magic marker.

And it would be like, Dear Stagris, you're beautiful.

One day you're going to have it all.

Dude, why wouldn't he feel well, though?

Yeah.

Wouldn't my ass just kind of hurt?

No,

you'd be physically sick from me shoving something up your ass.

You would get get way poisoning in reverse.

Make sure that your psyche gives you a psychosomatic response.

You know you've been violated.

Even if you've been GHB'd out.

Nah, that's sneaky.

Yeah.

It is very sneaky.

Do you guys want to get into doing the date rape drug recreationally?

Yeah.

Yes.

I didn't know you could do that.

People, you could do it.

Gay guys listen to intelligent dance music and take some fucking shit, dude.

Gay guys do it because you don't get the calories of alcohol.

So if you just take it without without drinking, also if you get raped, who cares?

Yeah.

I agree.

Just have a good time.

Yeah, I went out and I got violently raped behind the alley.

Who gives a shit?

Dude, we should make retarded dance music.

I'm on music.

We should set David Human as his comedy to dance music.

Retarded dance music.

Retarded dance music is pretty funny.

Buh, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, b, ba, ba, ba.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

You see what this podcast is?

He's just

giving Nick something that you wouldn't say to say.

Yeah, bait as I am.

But yeah, how can I bait Nick into saying what I wouldn't say to Nick?

I don't give a shit.

I'll say anything.

It's the adult version of making that one kid eat things.

Al Sharpton looks like Earthworm Jim without a suit.

I know, it's crazy.

He's so thin.

He looks terrible.

He looks like an anorexic seven-year-old.

And because he used to be fat, like 20 years ago.

He was

just bat.

Yeah, he had like a perm.

Yeah.

He was crooked.

Isn't that a video of him fighting on the Downey Jr.

show?

No, I haven't seen that.

You know, old white guys still don't know that black people also hate Al Sharpton.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they don't know that.

I thought they all loved Al Sharpton.

Every single one of them.

No, dude, everybody hates Al Sharpton.

I like Al Sharpton.

I like him, too.

Al Sharpton's actually a pretty nice guy, swell guy.

He's done a lot for his community.

I think it's cool that he rhymes.

He makes things rhyme.

He was the only one right about Tawana Brawley.

But what would he sound like in an aim?

He made a career off of it.

Yeah, yeah.

Who's Tawana Brawley?

He's made a career off of it.

Who's Taurana Brawley?

She said she got raped by the DA and the prosecutor and then the sheriff's office.

She's like, like, cut all her clothes off and hid in a dumpster and said, I got raped and thrown in this dumpster.

And they're like, who raped you?

And she was like,

the mayor.

was all the way to the top.

Yeah, yeah.

And he was fuck.

And he was like, not dude, didn't John Elway, didn't he like fuck Cartman's mom in like the first season of Salem?

Cartman, yeah.

Yeah,

he was rumored to possibly be Cartman's father.

Soccer pride versus political drama.

That's the headline on Fox 5.

Coming up next, we've got a video of a dog with his head.

its head stuck in a man's ass.

Now, that's a video you could sell.

Coming up next, we got a video of a toucan with its nose stuck in a man's ass.

Yes.

Meet the man who shoves exotic birds' faces into his asshole.

His name's Brian.

He's 42 years old, and he doesn't have a job.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

It's just something about those.

It just feels so good, man.

I don't know what to tell you.

You're motherfucking

the UCB Improv School of Duck Ducks and Blue Bob.

Brian is a white American, but he talks like this after being ejected from the improv classes.

Surprisingly, not for the voices.

They said I couldn't put a bird in my damn ass.

I shot that damn bird in my fucking ass.

Radio paid for by Fox 5 News.

Fox 5.

I'm trying to fuck a local newscaster.

That seems like some good pussy.

Some that good local newscaster.

Oh, yeah.

Keep going.

Fuck my ass.

Continue to fuck me.

I'm almost there.

A little bit harder, not that hard.

Close enough.

I don't know if you're capable of it.

Please choke me instead.

Yes.

I would love that shit, dude.

Get some of that pancake makeup all over my dick and nuts.

A local woman is passing off period blood as feces.

No,

she's a steven.

She's a huckster.

I swear to God, that's just shit.

When you promise, you promised men that you had a hysterectomy so that they'll blast inside of you.

But you're 42 unmarried, uncharitable.

Just trying to get them to blast inside of you.

Yeah, right there, that lady.

Come on.

Yeah.

I love being blasted inside.

How about you?

I do too, Ken.

I love being inside.

You know, it's crazy.

The first time I got blasted inside, it felt bad because I was being raped.

Sorry, I'm just trying to match your lips.

Do people fucking watch the news?

What?

Do people look blasted?

On Time, that is the most flanagan sentence.

Do people fucking watch the news?

Who fucking deal?

Who's like watching this?

Who's watching the news?

That's probably the only reason broadcast television still exists is because people watch local news.

One of my favorite stories about Justin.

I bet you the ratings aren't that good.

About me?

About you via Nick is that there was a female comedian on stage at an open mic.

And you just turned to Nick.

He said, what?

She's just going to move here to have opinions?

Wait, was she talking about New York, probably?

No, she was talking about men.

It was 2013.

She's powerful now, so she could probably.

She's a pretty powerful comedian.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she ended up doing well for herself with those opinions.

Yeah.

I hate when people, I used to hate when people had opinions.

They used to just bother me, you know?

Like, who cares about your fucking...

It's just like such a.

But

at the very core, isn't having an opinion like very entitled of somebody?

Just have a fucking opinion.

I'm with you, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

Fucking news.

I don't want to have your opinion.

Open mine.

Yeah, yeah.

Isn't this an opinion?

Let's hear your crazy fucking story.

This is an opinion.

This isn't an objective fact.

What?

That having an opinion makes you feel like.

Oh, check in.

Why do you got to fucking ruin everything?

I just walked out.

Also, again, another opinion.

What?

That I ruin everything.

He said, why do you have to?

Yeah, that was a question.

But in Bengali, that's opinion.

No, it's a question.

Oh, man.

I was going on this strong rant about opinions, and then you had to come in and let me know that it was a fucking opinion.

Strong rant, also an opinion.

Yeah.

So you're making a

pretty meaningful subjective judgment about the rant itself.

You could have just said, I was going on a rant about opinions, and you had to throw a wrench in there.

Instead, you said strong rant.

In fact, I think you're full of opinions.

You know what they say?

Opinions are like assholes.

Everybody has multiple.

Planning.

I want to multiply.

Planning formats.

I've got hundreds of them.

Opinions are a lot like

if you listen to

my random,

I used to think having opinions was a lot of fun.

Now you have opinions.

No, no.

Well, now I just don't care about what people say anymore.

Opinions are like assholes.

You can have them turned into a vagina.

So you can use the women's bathroom a target.

Yep.

I don't think I've eaten your ass turned into a pussy.

I don't think you're answering people eat their asses.

Your asshole turned into a pussy.

There are many different types of SRS.

Dude, I got to give him credit.

It does seem easier to turn an ass into a pussy than a dick.

You're right.

We do have to give him credit.

That is smart.

That is smart.

Yeah.

And then you turn the dick into an asshole?

Dude, Nick would be a good contract.

We always find the easier way to do the job.

You've got to be a good surgeon.

Dude, bring the background.

I want to check out my drywall pussy.

It's actually a very simple procedure to switch the anal tract and the urethra.

Yeah, you can cut out pieces of the colon and then just sew the remaining parts.

Yeah, yeah, you just shorten the rectum and then you make a vagina out of what was inside the asshole.

Nice.

Honestly, you go to a Home Depot, it's like probably under $100.

Hey, you need a van?

Yeah, probably we could rent one for the surgery.

Some day laborers, hanging out.

We just want them to watch.

We swani ze scalpo.

We rent a day labor

van to perform.

As a nurse, yeah.

An illegal ass to push surgery.

Yeah, we want to see if they can keep quiet.

Oh, very experimental, yeah.

I think you did a very good job, Supernova.

Thanks, dude, Carlos.

Here's $12.

You've done six excellent hours.

Okay, go get yourself something nice, a nice treat down at the 7-Eleven.

Maybe you're slurpey or something for you and your friends.

You and your little Tent City friends?

Oh, man.

Well, boys, I'm really looking forward to having all this food that Max has.

I'm really looking forward to blowing my nose and

falling asleep.

Are you going to come to the party?

I guess I'm already here.

Nice.

It's 7 o'clock.

We're podcasting for

you that Max told her.

that you're not allowed to invite anyone's off.

Okay.

And he was too much of a coward to tell you that.

Well, I'm inviting

people.

I don't give a fuck.

All right.

Who are you going to invite?

Elis.

A bunch of big old boys.

Big old boys.

Guess what?

They only said that because they don't want you inviting your fat friends.

I love you.

Eat all the food.

Do you have fat friends?

Yeah, dude.

One of my best friends is fat.

He's Elvis.

Elvis.

My guy.

My roommate, and we live together now.

Oh, really?

He's very fat.

Yeah.

Is he fat?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Dude, what do you guys just do together?

That's like a fucking classic team, right?

You were at four.

And was that during the Elvis?

Were you guys both fat at four?

The rock ability?

Did you just look at each other and be like, this is going to work?

We weren't that fat, but we were big.

We were big as shit.

But yeah, we've been fat.

We've been codependent fat boys our whole lives.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

It's fun.

Yeah.

That's like a movie.

You guys should marry sisters.

You ever talk about that?

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, you should marry Adam and his sister.

Yeah.

You guys should take a photo of each other wearing diaper.

Picture like you and another fat.

Does he look like you?

No, no, he's tall.

We've described

on the podcast as the red and yellow Eminem.

That's kind of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Even the shapes, too.

Like, he's the kind of fat, like, he's got oblong and

he's got a woman's ass.

That's a fucking crazy story to have.

Well, it's not a crazy story.

Go ahead.

My mom made me, I have a twin sister.

My mom made us like Halloween costumes.

It was funny when you were on stage and you were like, I guess I'm a feminist because I got a twin sister and everybody laughed.

You didn't understand it was because people put together some poor girl that has some.

Yeah, yeah.

No,

I usually do do a line acknowledging that.

Yeah, no, it's a smart.

We have a smart audience.

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of people listening to the show are very smart, very intellectual individuals.

Yeah.

I don't like to call them.

Lawyers and stuff.

Lawyers, doctors, surgeons, doctors.

I thought they were going to be like fucking alt-rights.

Finance for some reason.

Madness and magicians.

I just think everybody on the internet is like an alt-right maniac.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, most people aren't anything in real life.

And then they get online and they yeah yeah put that stupid avatar next to their name and they they become these opinion people that you hate

so anyway uh my mom made us these eminem costumes and she made me the fucking green mm the sexy woman the sexy minem

there's a picture of me as the sexy woman no hold on isn't the brown one the sexy one no the brown one's the brown one

the brown one's that bitch knows how to read yeah yeah the green one's the one that sucks good dick that's right yeah yeah remember the brown one's like i'm not naked she's got glasses on yeah that's fucked up.

She's a fucking prude.

Or maybe the green one has glasses.

I can't remember.

The green one has glasses.

No, the green one doesn't read.

She's too busy sucking dick.

So true.

That's the type of reading.

That's true.

Is there a deviant art category for the green Eminem?

For sure.

Is there?

Of course.

I'm sure.

That's probably hentai for the green MM.

Extend all the way up the Eminem.

Is this just a green circle with a big pussy on it?

Dude, how is this not fucking provocative?

Ooh, I'm hard.

Let me see.

She's unzizing.

Is that you in your costume?

Yeah.

You're a little boy.

Dude, there's a picture of the Eminem taking off her candy shell.

Hmm.

That makes me horny.

I want to fuck a candy.

If you just fucking fucking draws this.

If you want to fuck one candy, what candy would you fuck?

Oh,

definitely a race's fast break.

It's not a candy.

It's a mascot.

Pink Starburst because it looks like the inside of a PSC.

Here we go.

Is the MM is she and then the red one says no idiot.

That's her shell.

Trust me.

And then the brown MM is going, what is that green slut doing implying that the green one is nude here?

Oh, but she's got a fat ass.

She does have a fat ass.

Why did they?

Why did they?

Can you see her pussy?

Yeah, but yo, why did they like draw like beads of sweat coming off of chocolate?

Like, we didn't know she was naked without the beads of sweat.

Yeah.

You can't really tell what's going on with your pussy here, though.

Here's a subway sandwich bonded and ready to be raped.

Going to be a sandwich for a subway.

Dude, Deviant, what is going on with Deviant?

Oh, I thought this was just fucking

images.

No, did we already do that bit about the fucking sun?

Oh, let me see that one.

She's got a pussy.

Oh, yeah.

It's chunk.

Wait, hold on.

Wait, why does she have white legs?

Okay, so.

Why did they fucking whitewash the female M ⁇ M?

She's wearing boots.

That's pretty good.

Yo, hold on.

Let me read that caption.

Well, I'm reading the caption now.

It's on a website that says Thai penis whitening fad drives social media nuts.

I don't know if it's a related image for that.

Well, it's part of a video.

Describe the image to our viewers, to our listeners that can't see it.

It's the green MM with her legs up and she's getting drunk off chocolate milk.

And you can see her pussy, an asshole.

And her pussy has an additional M on it.

Oh, does it?

Let me see that.

That's just the one on the stomach.

That's quite the fucking pubic hair.

Nice.

I'll let you know it's an MM pussy.

Dude, it's a green flashlight tucked underneath the bed.

I've seen that one.

I've seen that one.

That's good.

Dude,

I'm just going to Google image certs, MM, Saxi.

Yeah, that's good shit.

Damn, my dick is hard.

We really have been podcasting, huh?

Dude, why is...

I just fucking Googled Eminem Sexy and got like five pictures of Rod Stewart.

Does Rod Stewart like fuck Eminem's?

I think so.

It's a pretty well-tread.

I got something nice and well-tread for you.

What's that?

Your ass.

Your daddy's butthole.

Okay, gang, listen.

I'm just going to plug my dates now.

We'll probably keep Googling MMs for a a while, but I am tomorrow.

If you're listening to this, I'm in Seattle.

It laughs.

So come out to that.

We should be almost selling out, hopefully.

And then I'm in Portland on the 3rd, July 3rd.

I do that as a bit.

I've been doing that as a bit for like seven years.

It's a pretzel raping.

It's the orange MM being raped by a pretzel.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Maybe someone heard your bit and somebody stole my fucking bit.

Well, that's it's in the

Cummins, right?

Optist.

Creative Cummins.

Oh, yeah, the creative.

The creative.

God damn it, this fucking piece of shit.

Keeps cutting the fuck out.

I keep going, we need a nut in you fucking wire, dude.

Yeah.

Sucky, my dick.

Because I'm gay.

Never have anything.

Oh, shit.

What is that?

It's the red MM

coming chocolate into the green MM and the yellow M ⁇ M is waiting to drink it.

Hell yes.

Well,

that's pretty good.

That's pretty good shit, man.

Oh, fuck.

That one's good.

Yeah, so, guys, just

go ahead and Google that.

Justin, would you like to plug yourself?

No,

I don't think I have anything.

Just your social media, anything?

Oh, Justin.

I don't even know my fucking Twitter handle.

Justin Flanman with a dash, an underscore between Flan and Man on Twitter.

Hit up the Flan Man.

And also on Instagram, I'm A.O.I.FucksWithThemGummy Bears.

So find A.Y.O.I.FucksWith Them Gummy Bears.

Yeah, I think we'll probably just keep Googling these for a while.

Yeah, this is a good thing to look for.

I'm definitely not into it sexually.

I just want to look at DeviantArt for hours.

For bits.

Yeah, for bits.

For fucking bits.

Eminem pornography.

Is bronies still a thing, or is they all

graduate to something?

Into that documentary, I think.

Yeah, they're all racist now.

All the alt-right people

are also bronies.

That's pretty interesting.

What?

Alt-right people used to be bronies or some shit, apparently.

Damn, I just want to eat.

I'm tired of it.

Okay, so in the podcast, you're the producer.

That's true.

I am the producer.

You're in charge of the choo-choo train these days, Stavros.

That's right.

Well, gang.

All pressures off for me.

I am now second chair on the podcast.

That's right.

It's the Stavros pig.

Why is Nick not the producer anymore?

Because I'm done with this shit.

I'm producing.

I'm coming up with caboose every time.

I like how unsuccessful Nick wants to be.

Yeah, it's true.

Success is like a burden to Nick.

It is.

He's raping Rabbit.

No, shut up.

So this is Rabbit.

He's making money for

nothing.

rabbit from Winnie the Pooh and Tigger fucking but Tigger is Jesus Christ.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Yeah, and he's riding Rabbit's cock like a rodeo

Where are you finding all these images?

Google his fucking this is oh, this is just my camera roll

There's this YouTube channel I found it was this autistic guy that was into dragons and like but also he's autistic so like fire alarms and antique elevator equipment and so like you would have nine videos of like old fire alarm systems that he was going through.

And then there would be one video, like, this is my dildo collection.

He's like, oh, this one's a dog.

This one's a dragon.

And it's like a dragon.

It's a dragon tail.

It's a different kind of dildo.

He's got a dragon tail, and he's holding it up to the camera.

And first of all, his nails are disgusting.

They've never been cut.

They're covered in dirt.

And they're all an asshole.

Yeah.

And then the dildo has shit.

No.

Because he's been shoving this dragon dildo up his ass.

He's like, oh, this one's pretty good.

And then the next video is like, this is a T-16.

Did you just fucking kept watching?

Yeah.

This is a TH16 alarm system.

Nick's like, yeah, there's fucking shit on his dildo.

Of course I kept watching, dude.

And the next season.

I need to know how dark people get.

Oh, yeah.

Very dark.

There was this guy I found whose fetish was like wearing diapers and being his profile was like Jetstar 94 or something.

Dude, this one's a fucking dolphin.

I went looking for him again.

I couldn't find him.

But his thing was, he would, you know, I had videos of him, like, he's like, okay, I'm filling my diaper.

And then he would sit there.

I understand.

Shut up, Siri.

He's like, I'm

like, I'm filling my diaper now.

And he would stand there and just piss and shit himself in the diaper.

And then his whole thing, he's like, I really want to cast.

He really wanted to get a doctor to put one of his arms in a cast because he was like, like the idea of being enclosed.

Of course, no doctor's going to do that.

Yeah, who fucking make your own cast.

In one video, he has a cast because he clearly went out.

He fucking makes with his fucking arms just to get a cast.

Who fucking buys a wolf kill, though?

Shaped like a wolf's dick.

I'll give you an answer to that.

First of all, I already explained to you.

Yeah.

I was just googling images.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then, yeah.

And then in one of the videos, he's got the cast on in the background.

You can see his wall, and there's just madman scrollings all over.

Oh, fucking man.

He's like, oh, my God.

Just shitting and pissing himself and breaking his arms and legs.

And he has the impulse to be like, I'm going to put this on YouTube.

Yo, Nick, Nick.

He's still like, oh, yeah, I'm going to connect with people.

I just found a pig-shaped penis dildo sex toy.

But then also, there's a diagram of like what

the pig's fucking

body parts next to.

He's got a nose and mouth.

Yeah.

In case you've ever been eating a Jamaican stew and thought, I want to fuck this.

Well, gang, thank you for listening.

That's the episode.

Now, how do you get this off your fucking search history?

Nah, dude, that's there forever.

I'm always

incognito mode.

So please send us any

dildos.

Why, what does that do?

Send those to Justin Flanagan, Flanman.

The government can still see it.

And

if you have any sweet-ass pics of the green Eminem with their titties and pussy out, please send those to

come town at iCloud.com.

Thank you.

That is our show.

Second mouth.

Fucking fucking a day.

You know, it's not my personal email.

It's a show email.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's what I said.

So when it's filled with shit and I don't see like the offer for okay, don't send it to that one.

Send it to adamfriedland82 at gmail.com.

Well, it's I use it for like customer service issues.

People have like a fucking problem.

Okay.

Well, don't send it there.

Yeah.

Anyway, I hope this, my mic cutting out the whole time wasn't too annoying.

But like I said, it's quantity over quality before, and we gave you plenty of quantity.

So, thanks a lot.

Bye, guys.

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