Ep. 108 – Sorry

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All right, and here we are.

Come town classic, baby.

Come town classical.

Guess what that means?

You already know.

You already know.

Adam is doing some kind of errand.

Yeah, Adam's on the phone having a conversation,

probably with another man.

Oh, you know that shit's gay.

I've never spoken to a man on the phone, dude.

So I talk to his secretary, and then his secretary talks to me, or vice versa.

I fell down the stairs and broke the other SD card.

Oh.

You didn't break it.

You lost it.

No, I didn't lose it.

I was physically injured.

Nick lost it like a day.

I was running home.

That's why I'll put the podcast in the middle of the day.

That's why this shit is late.

Nick's dumbass lost the SD card.

He just had it loose in his wallet and it fell out on the street somewhere.

I was running home.

For days.

It was raining and I was running home.

We recorded it on Tuesday.

And for some reason, he kept the SD card in his wallet instead of putting it in the card.

Or am I supposed to put it in my room, which is a fucking mess, and lose it in there?

By the computer.

I keep it where I keep everything precious to me.

Pictures of my wife.

Do you have my baby pictures in there?

Pictures of my wife and myself that I've glued together.

Me and Julia.

My beautiful wife, Julia Vinns.

God damn.

So, yes, we had, honestly, probably the best episode we've ever done in our lives was slated to go out Wednesday.

Yeah.

Here we are doing a...

Whatever.

This one actually will be better, dude.

I'm excited for it.

Yeah, are you?

I'm too old up, dude.

I'm about to throw up from drinking too much tea.

I haven't eaten yet because of my intermittent fasting.

Yeah, I haven't eaten either.

Ooh.

But you don't do tea or coffee?

I do a little water, lemon water.

Lemon water?

Actually, it's over there.

I want to get it, but I'm too old.

Yeah, you should get back into Crystal Light.

I was reminiscing on my fat boy days.

I used to love Crystal Light, bro.

It's like, it's like

it's so funny because I remember drinking Crystal Light when I was just fat as shit.

And you're like, please work.

Yes, dude.

do you think the answer is like a different type of snack

dude i remember throwing on just getting a orange flavored crystal light poured it in a big ass container and then playing madden like 08 for like 12 hours a day yeah and be like this is i'm gonna lose weight in like sophomore like sophomore year or i guess yeah yeah yeah no not even madden 08 madden 04.

Yeah, I was a sophomore in high school, just a fat little kid.

My crystal light era was younger than that because I was really only fat in like maybe like sixth, seventh, eighth grade.

Mostly just seventh.

I mean, I guess I was fat for a while, but I got pretty goddamn fat in seventh grade, which also funniest I've ever been in my life.

It's so funny how like that relationship.

The bigger you get, the funnier you are.

It's a different kind of humor.

You know, you big into Pratt Falls.

Yeah.

You know, I was

so much fun.

Yeah.

Being the little fat guy.

I mean, that has undeniably warped my brain.

Breaking chairs and shit.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

The biggest laugh I've ever gotten

is when I sat on it.

It was already broken, but it didn't matter.

The fix was in, dude.

When a bad guy breaks a chair, best laugh you'll ever get in your life.

It's funny because I was like bigger when I was a kid, and then I became small, and it's weird to make the two

work in your head.

Yeah, it is weird.

You grow up, you're able to push, shove people around.

It's fun.

You can't throw your weight around a little bit.

You can't, dude.

I remember when I was, there was a, there was some.

Yeah, yeah.

Now people can just pick me up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know how often I just get picked up?

Dude, there was a friend came to the show last night.

She picked me up after.

Ooh, she picked you up?

Four or five feet off the ground.

Did she scarecrow you?

Well, I don't know what that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got

a girl's shoulders and she sucks your dick.

Yeah.

Like you're a scarecrow.

Yeah.

She's a fucking tree.

What are you doing, scarecrow?

Stop that.

Stop doing that to me.

Well, we got a decent bit to talk about.

I'm starting a new segment of the show called Owning the Trolls, where if you're still on the phone, you can step out, please.

You can step out of the room, please.

While we're doing the podcast, please step out of the room.

He might be getting actual serious, he might be an actual serious phone call.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, I don't have serious phone calls.

That's right.

Nothing.

Nothing's precious to you.

I don't have goofball phone calls with my other soundboard friends.

Oh, yeah.

If you call me up and you want to discuss business, you better have that Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard on deck.

Do a little bit of business.

Who is your daddy?

What does he do?

A little bit of...

It's a learning computer.

I'm a copy asshole.

My name is Detective John Kimball.

That honestly, damn.

That

was one of the most fucking...

If you don't know about that.

Get the fuck off.

Yeah, right.

Log off right now.

That's what I'm saying.

But you got a little.

Sarah's texting me a bunch.

A little text message.

Sarah's texting me way too fucking much.

Yes.

That'll happen.

She'll do a bunch of meth.

Yeah.

Not real meth, but you know, amphetamines.

Jewish meth.

Jewish meth Adderall.

Yeah.

Yeah, new segment called Owning the Trolls.

Time to Own'em.

You know what?

Once again, the Opi and Anthony subreddit thinks that they can sneak in criticisms of me and my friends without being.

Unbelievable.

They think I'm not going to see that.

And guess what, guys?

These fucking morons think I'm not going to.

I don't have a Google alert set up for everything that they say.

Every single word.

And I'll see it.

And I'll know.

Your worst nightmare.

Time to own them.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, guess what, idiots?

Unlike what you wanted, we read everything you read about us.

Every single word.

And we think about it a lot.

I got to think about it and get back at you.

Yeah, here we go.

You are ready?

Actually, I had to go to the gym.

I was so mad.

At first, I teared up.

Yeah.

And then

I got real upset.

You're welcome, Adam.

You're ready.

We're owning the trolls.

Owning the trolls.

What trolls?

I don't know if you saw it, but Opie and Anthony,

not some kind words to say about Stavros.

I don't believe that fucking shit.

And I don't care.

I don't fucking care.

The guy posted his name is Rapist with HIV.

Now, look, I don't know people's cultures.

That very well may be his name.

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know where you're from.

He might be from Africa.

But it seems like that's a joke.

That seems like that's like a joke name to me.

It's fucked up to begin with.

That's number one.

To have a joke name.

Tell us who you are.

Just use your name.

Use your real name.

They're fucking cowards, man.

It is.

Keyboard.

Anyone who uses the internet for any reason is a coward.

That's the thing I've noticed.

If you dial up, well, you're about to get dialed down by my knuckles.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

If we ever meet in real life and you happen to be be smaller than me,

by some off chance.

At least 20 pounds smaller, we're fucking you up.

Yeah, 20 pounds, you got that.

If you're fucking three or four inches shorter than me and you got some kind of disability, you bet your ass I'm going to kick your ass.

Otherwise, I'm above physical violence.

In that instance,

you're being childish.

I'm going to be the bigger man and decline to fight you.

Rapist with HIV.

Absolutely correct.

What did he say about Saud?

He said he's a fat hack and he laughs at everything I say.

It's fucked up.

I've never laughed once on this podcast.

That's Adam.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do that laugh.

That's me.

Can I do that laugh?

Yeah, go ahead.

Is that it?

Yeah, it sounds gayer than usual, but yeah, that's it.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Yeah.

And they're saying he lost his tooth from eating.

It's like he didn't lose his tooth.

That is true.

He lost it from a chicken.

Well, he lost it from not brushing his tooth.

That was the final straw, but yes, it was years of neglect.

Thank you very much that led up to it.

And poor dental care.

That's exactly right.

He has terrible hygiene.

He doesn't have an ether.

Yeah, way to show you know a bunch of stuff about

teeth.

Yeah.

Good job.

Yeah.

Nice job being understanding mouth stuff.

No, no, it's true.

Rapists with AIDS does.

Maybe if you didn't spend all your time

being so negative on the internet,

unlike me, you would know that

teeth have multiple.

There's many reasons.

Are we calling out all the trolls right now?

Every single troll.

Okay.

This is what the show is now.

The segment called Owning the Trolls.

Fucking, I had a fun run in yesterday.

You want to talk shit?

I don't want to talk shit.

My friends, guess what?

Not in my Bobby's world, baby.

But up, but

why don't we get our producer?

Oh, that's the other.

I want to bring up that.

I guess it was like months ago, but I didn't even see it.

That is a podcast called

What Are These Podcasts?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You said to them.

They review podcasts.

Which is a hilarious thing.

They listen to ours.

And it's these two, like, I guess, I'm assuming, like, Gen X or Midwest guys.

They're like 48-year-olds.

Yeah, from what I can get, like, you can hear the soft hits under their flannel shirt and their curved-brim, you know, baseball caps, just waiting to make pearl jam and Klingon references.

And they've reviewed, they reviewed our show.

And

if every episode of the show could just be chopped up and add their commentary to it, that would be the best podcast.

To just listen to them

saying the most retarded shit, them clipping it.

So even stuff that in context sounds retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You take even that away.

Yeah.

And it's like, I'm trying to go to the bathroom in my ass.

And they're like, 200,000 people download this show.

I don't understand it.

There's no theme music.

My favorite part is this is a new stinger I've spent hours crafting to explain my anger at this show.

For $0.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, for zero dollars.

Because it's all about money, to you, right?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know why I'm passing that.

Yeah, I don't know if we'd be doing this if we made zero dollars.

I would.

I think

I did comedy for zero dollars for

25 years.

That is true.

That's true.

25.

Yeah.

I enjoy podcasts.

Starting at four.

I enjoy being a broadcast.

It is a good.

I don't resent the audience.

Unless it's rapists with HIV and these unkind words.

Apparently, a lot of our white nationalist fans in Identity Europa think that the bug joke is a reference to the term for a Jewish man being a bug man.

And

yesterday I called one of them a loser on Twitter

and then was inundated with bugman jokes because they thought that it was Nick sending them a clue that he is actually a white nationalist.

He has infiltrated leftist, I guess this is a leftist podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Leftist podcasting circles.

Me and Adam were going to do a leftist podcast.

Yeah, that would be crazy if that was the reality.

Yeah, that'd be so funny.

If you were sending clues.

Well, that schizophrenic guy on the subreddit, that's what his whole thing was, that Nick was sending him clues and he was going to compile a supercut of all the clues that Nick was sending him, which I really wanted him to make.

Has it been made?

I think they drove him out of the Reddit.

I think everyone made fun of him.

Well, we're owning the trolls now, so let's get a nice own on them right now.

So, ready-go.

I did shout out Identity Europa a couple of weeks ago, but

it's a comedy program.

So, I was doing what Identity Europa is, but Pan Europa, that little coffee shop up by Stand Up New York.

Is that good?

I love that place.

Get a black and white cookie, a nice piece of pizza pie.

I'm not a big black and white cookie fan.

Yeah, me either.

Something about the mixing.

I do like that they're apart.

Yeah, that's a message for you.

Just remember that.

Yeah, and they were originated.

I much prefer sugar cookies, so I'm going to write and transmission.

The black and white cookie was originated in the Jewish deli culture, and obviously it's the Jewish conspiracy to promote miscegenation between and mixing between the races in order for Jews to maintain their power and influence over the banks.

It is smart.

The Jews are smart about that.

And they want everyone else's mix.

And they stay back.

Well, that guy's just insane.

This rapist with

HIV guy seems like

pretty level headed, and he's just mean-spirited.

To say that Stavros, to make fun of his hair

and his teeth, say I'm fat and hot.

How dare you?

And I mentioned that.

How absolutely dare you.

How dare you?

How absolutely dare you.

That is baseless.

It is.

I am not fat.

I do not have a missing tooth.

I am not bald.

I have plenty of hair.

I choose to cut it short.

That's on the record.

But yeah, I mean, so anyway, I feel like we really owned him pretty good, Nick, wouldn't you say?

This show does so much good work for so many retarded kids.

We do charity work pretty much the rest of our black people listen to this show and they forget that the police are just out there waiting to kill them.

It is true.

This is the only

refuge

that black people have listening to Come Town.

Yeah.

And the Opi and Anthony subreddit is trying to take that away from them.

It's so fucked up.

Because they worship and honor Anthony Kumia,

who, from my understanding, they love

and agree with.

Dude, it's so funny.

You were so right about it.

They literally hate everyone.

It's like, why do you listen to this?

Honestly, that's what the entire internet should be.

I think there's honor.

I love it so much.

It's like,

you go there, and there's like,

they just scrutinize absolutely everything Jim Norton does.

They're like, look what fucking shrimp dummy tried to eat a sandwich on his porch the other day.

I mean, our fans sort of do that.

Do you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, they like dissect my girlfriend's Instagram stories and then dissect.

Interesting.

What is that?

Oh, Bug Talk.

Yeah.

Oh, that was the thing that was lost on the episode talking about that Korean woman pleading to Donald Trump to tell Kim Jong-un to

yeah, because she was like, Well, I live in North Korea, I had to eat dragonflies.

It's like, how do you have to eat that?

That seems, I am a rich man, and I don't think there's a way.

If today, if I went out and I said, I want to eat a dragonfly,

I live in New York City.

Yeah, I couldn't make that happen for myself.

You got to eat dragonfly.

It's exotic.

Why don't we look at it that way?

You know how much protein bugs have?

You know how much jacked you get chasing down down dragonflies with your fucking mouth open?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's probably easier.

You just grab them right out of the air with chopsticks.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Can you imagine how dope she would be at chopsticks if she can do that?

She can.

That's

unbelievable.

Yeah, I mean, it does.

I guess North Korea does make sense because if you have like

an authoritarian regime, right, that you need to protect.

Yes, of course.

And you live in a country where everyone knows karate,

you should imprison and starve.

Yes.

It's not like America where you can just do it and expect people to go back to playing their Tamagotchis or

going on their razor scooters.

Of course.

They're too busy buying visors and the D-Daz slides.

Oh, yeah.

You know, playing with glow sticks and going to raves.

Absolutely.

Candy necklaces.

Candy necklaces.

You know, they can't.

Listen, babe.

You know, because cha-chi.

Yeah.

Listen, chat.

What does he say that?

Yeah, yeah.

George Chiller.

what's his name?

Dennis Miller says it.

Yeah.

Listen, babe.

These kids out here going to raves.

Yeah, hell yeah.

We're in Hollister.

Yeah.

You think,

oh, it's cool to,

you know, your friends watching Run Lolarone on VHS.

That's a good movie.

It is a good movie.

I'm just trying to think what would be.

90s records.

So specific to 1999.

Listening to Out of Touch.

How bizarre.

Yeah.

Now that's what I call music too.

Oh, hell yeah.

yeah i was a big now boy oh yeah were you yeah i was big into

i was a big cowboy too yeah just out on the range you know what

that's what i call music all chaps are assless you know that right there's no such thing as assed chaps i like an ass are just pants so it's redundant you're taking issue with what about what about chaps what about dichless champ chaps Do those exist?

Do they?

I don't know.

I want dichless chaps.

Now that I think about it, I don't know what chaps are.

They're cowboy set riding.

What was my favorite song, Adam?

Go How?

It was Mandy Moore's Candy.

I did like that song.

Yeah, yeah.

I was a big Mandy Moore guy.

I know I brought this up before, but once a year, I remember that there was a fat man named Jonathan Candy.

And he died.

R.I.P.

to a real one.

That is Jonathan.

John Candy.

You say John Candy, don't think about it.

But Jonathan.

Like,

imagine he's not famous.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like going into the DMV to apply for a license, looking like that.

And they're like, what's your name, sir?

He's like, Jonathan Candy.

And they're like, we will call the police.

If you think it's funny to give a fake name to the DMV people,

my name is actually Jonathan Candy.

Trying to open a bank account.

Damn.

That's his real name.

That'd be hilarious if he changed it for Hollywood.

Yeah.

I'm going to change my name to Stevie Hamburgers.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Okay, Stevie.

Stevie Hamburgers.

It's got to be Americanized.

I can't be Stop Hamburgers.

Yeah.

Stevie Hamburgers.

Yeah, why didn't your family change their name in Ellis Island?

We have too much respect for our.

Do they have to come in through Ellis Island?

They should bring Ellis Island back.

Yeah, my family came over at Ellis Island in 82.

Yeah.

So did mine, yeah.

82.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Same year.

That's weird.

Yeah, really weird.

Maybe we were standing next to each other in line.

Yeah, at Ellis Island.

You're like, our sons will never be friends.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, my family, my dad was like, I'll show you.

My family is very anti-Semitic.

Really?

They should bring back Ellis Island just for the renaming or not learning people's names.

That is, yeah, yeah.

Well, my name is.

I love that you could get a job in 1880 as the guy that writes down things and you just don't know how to spell or read.

Yeah.

All right, Miller.

They were like, they changed everyone's name at Ellis Island.

How do we know that wasn't just one guy that was bad at his job?

Probably.

Maybe it was a black woman.

They did it to my family, too.

I'm not sure.

They're like, what's your name?

Yeah.

Like, Lubushnemir.

They're like,

your name's Smith now.

I got to take a phone call.

That happened to me yesterday at Home Depot.

Yeah, you were in the Himalayan.

I saw you last night.

Oh, my God, dude.

Well, first of all, I went to IKEA to get that medicine cabinet.

Yeah.

Did you get it?

So it's like pick and pull or whatever.

You could just get.

First of all,

all of the medicine cabinets were like special order except for that one.

It's really nice, dude.

I was very happy with it.

Yeah, well, they were going to don't let people know that I'm buying the same medicine cabinets.

Thanks.

We have matching medicine.

Don't let people know that we're getting getting medicine.

I just want to let identity Europa know that.

Yeah, so I went to get like all of them.

And so it's like, um, well, because you know, those are special order.

You can't just, somebody got to place an order for you.

And it's like, what do you mean, somebody?

You're wearing an Ikea shirt.

Yeah.

They're like, I mean, I guess I could do it.

It's like, yeah, so let's do it.

Okay.

And then, okay, babe.

And then, so

the guy's like, yeah, he's the guy who's like, the guy was like, yeah, I'll just, I mean, I don't know where the computer is.

And it's like, what do you mean?

There's just like every single fucking step of the process.

It's bolted to the floor.

What the fuck?

And then you're like at the customer.

He goes as us.

No, we're in the bathroom area.

And then another guy comes up and he's like, look here, go right here.

And the computer literally right behind him.

And he's like, man,

I didn't even think to look, babe.

Around?

You didn't think to look around

for a computer?

Then he places the order.

And then, because I described which cap mirror I wanted, they had no idea what it was.

And so, like,

you know, I'm like wandering around waiting for him to figure this shit out.

And then I find the one I want, and it's just down in the self-serve area.

I'm like, perfect.

So I'll just go get it.

He's like, oh, so I should cancel the order then?

I'm like, yeah.

And it's like

he was like upset.

Yeah.

He did work.

You can't believe.

You understand how an hourly fucking job is.

You're just going to go wander.

Well, they get paid on commission in Ikea, dude.

Oh, do they?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're hot salespeople.

Yeah.

So I go down and then push units.

It's aisle 20, bin 19, right?

So I go to aisle 20, or 21, bin 19.

Yes.

And it's like,

they're just like boxed up.

It's on a palette.

And

it's not even high off the ground.

It's like, you know, eye level.

It's right there.

But it's a whole palette.

It's all like saran wrap.

So I was like,

sorry, I got an email from Hollywood Handbook.

He says, Hollywood Handbook was wondering if Comtown would want to do some kind of plug promo trade trade with them.

We just did it.

Marketing Gear World.

Yeah, I guess.

Listen to Hollywood Hamburg.

I have no fucking idea what it is, but everyone says it's funny.

Yo, Joe has his name.

What's his name?

Who?

The guy from Hollywood Hamburg.

Harvey Weinstein.

No.

That other guy.

It's pretty funny.

Bill Irwin?

Yeah.

You know what else?

What other podcasts I listened to?

I was driving up here was Dough Boys.

That's just funny, dude.

Yeah.

It's all about Nick and Shit.

Nick does that podcast.

I literally do not listen to any podcasts.

It's funny.

I don't listen to Doughboys.

And I feel like.

What?

I don't listen to Dobo.

No, Nick Weiger.

Oh.

Nick Weiger, yeah.

Well, anyways, let me go back to complaining about this

black people.

We're trying to be New York broadcasters.

You're right.

I just,

I'm trying to get her in the good graces of the Anthony Coomia

subreddit.

Yeah,

R/slash/Antony Kumia fans.

Oof.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Not even the Opio.

The guys that were too racist for R, Opie, and Anthony.

They got driven out.

Yeah, go ahead.

Complain about these blacks.

Anyway, so it's Isle 21, bin 19, like I was saying.

Like you were saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm on the edge of my seat.

Anyways, so it's just on, I go up to the lady and I say, you know, all right, well, now everybody's on their phone.

No, no, I'm listening.

No, no, I just got.

What are you looking at here?

I just got a text from Jonah.

No, the Washington Post.

What did it say?

The Post notes, 13 bald eagles were found.

Adam's reading an article about

bald eagles

going missing.

No, I had a text that I just looked at.

Your background is a picture of your dog and your girlfriend?

Yeah.

My background is a picture of Ian bombing.

Yeah, you always go irony.

Receive's got that.

Receive's got Deb in the background.

Yeah, I know.

Do you guys want to go to

party tonight?

We got to go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go play Laser Tag?

I think they canceled Laser Tag.

What?

That's what Deb said.

Good.

I wanted to go play Laser Tag.

I think they're just doing a bar.

But I will be inviting it.

Honestly, good.

They should cancel.

I will be inviting

David the beer nerd to the party.

And every party.

Do you hang out with him a lot?

No.

But it was really funny, dude, Nick.

You missed it.

But he was sitting in the front row.

And Stop and I were standing behind him, and he was playing games on his phone.

He was playing like Candy Crush or something.

He was playing games on his phone.

David.

David who?

Eisenberg.

Oh.

Yeah, he was playing games on his phone in the front row of funny

It was a pretty funny visual, but whatever.

I don't understand this offer.

Like a promo swap.

We just did it.

We just did it.

We just plugged it off.

But like, what a bizarre transactional thing to

do.

What do you mean, whatever?

Don't be a coward.

I'm not sure.

Join with me on.

I don't give a fuck.

Okay.

I just don't care.

I think it's fine if we do that.

I know.

I think it's fine, too.

I mean, I've never

mutually decide to publicly like each other without.

I don't know.

It just seems.

I heard that it's a very good podcast.

Yes.

I hear it.

Aside from that, everyone says that it's a very funny podcast.

And I'm sure it is.

I've never listened, but I've seen it.

If I'm going to plug any podcast, I'm going to plug the Low Post podcast, Zach Lowe.

He does an excellent job.

He does.

But anyway, going back to Doughboys, yeah, they they went to Golden Corral and just talked about it for an hour, and it seems great.

Yeah, they go to like different shitty restaurants, right?

Can we just start?

Can that become the show?

Dude, I've been saying for years I want to take your ass to fucking Chinese buffet.

Let's go with a little bit of a shit.

Let's get our little leather daddy outfits on, get kicked out of Chinese buffet for being too gay.

I would love to do that.

He's so do not, you can't be so gay.

You can't keep doing gay shit at Chinese buffet.

You're sucking my nipples.

Just emptying the soft serve machine into my own ass.

I love that that is an element of Chinese buffet.

That was the thing they were complaining about on that what are these podcasts.

They're like, every joke is just something going into somebody's ass.

Yeah, they played like a five-second clip of my podcast where I just talked about.

Yeah.

And they were like, yeah, this.

It is so funny.

It's like, well, you can imagine what their stand-up would be.

And it's Adam on stage doing that thing where he just says a word a million times.

He says poo-poo-cocka.

Which is like, just objectively, it's bullshit.

There's not any real way to do standards.

I think it's very funny.

We don't, yeah.

We don't.

That brings down the house.

Anyway, so

yeah, the other thing they were like, okay, first of all, they don't say their names at the beginning of the podcast.

They don't say, hey, they don't say welcome to the podcast.

You have no idea who these guys are.

What's going on?

And then they're like, and my guest today, Andy.

And the guy's like, yeah, I'm back.

Who is this?

Both of these guys sound like they've been waiting for something to do since Blockbuster claused.

Oh, those guys, those guys rules us.

Yeah, so you did a stop laugh super cut.

Uh-huh.

It sounded better than the soundboard, yeah.

It sounded pretty good.

I mean, to be fair, I like, I do feel bad for people like that.

They're like, I followed all the rules and I'm still not successful.

Yeah.

And they're like, because we're kind of like the Homer Simpson or Frank Grimes, I guess.

They don't have a song.

They got mad we didn't have a song at the beginning of the game, which we did.

Guess what?

I didn't want to get sued.

Here's a song.

Suck on my dick because I'm gay.

Nice, dude.

Let me fuck your asshole.

What do you guys think of that one?

I think it's pretty good.

I like it.

Anyway, bin 10, box 19.

Let's go back to Ikea.

Oh, yeah.

I'll 21, bin 19.

Okay, babe?

Yes, babe.

You got to be drunker than

fucking Constantinople on

when Hannibal's having a chat with Queen Elizabeth

in the bathroom of the Louvre.

Yeah.

Yeah, oh, I love that.

I love when people have those kinds of things.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

He sucks so much.

Oh, you remember when he did Monday night football?

He was like, that reminds me of Charlemagne and the magnetic card.

I'll tell you something.

Does she?

I love when he was like, hey, on Tuesday, I'm going to have some mean-ass jokes about about Michelle Wolfe.

And she never just never did it.

She's like, give me five days to write these jokes about a ginger.

Who is really hard to make fun of, by the way.

Just hilarious.

Her voice alone.

It's like, come on, Dennis.

Yeah.

Write some roasties.

Yeah, she looks like a salamander that was trying to eat red pubes.

There you go.

That's better than anything he's ever done.

You know, she reminds me of

shots.

Michelle, you're going down.

And Netflix, the entire organization.

So why are you worried about shots being fired, Stop?

I like Michelle Wolfe.

Yeah, but

I'm not worried about shots.

I like ruining relationships.

Firing guns blindly.

You can shoot shots anywhere except for at good people.

Just without recklessly shooting off.

Fine.

Fuck you.

Hollywood Handbook.

How about that?

Would that make you feel better?

I didn't say fuck Hollywood Handbook.

Stop, that's fucking Honda.

You just said it.

You have fucking listened to.

Stop saying it.

Suck my fucking dick, Hollywood Handbook.

There we go.

That's

the Fuckleywood suck book.

Yeah.

How about that?

You fucking gay motherfuckers.

is uck, my dick, unless you're actually gay.

I didn't mean it as hate speech.

Yeah, is that a gay show?

We should be careful.

It probably is.

I don't know.

I mean, they are following.

I'm trying to be in the next Star Wars movie.

I can't be seen

saying homophobic things.

If I'm trying to be R2, I'm trying to replace R2D2 as one of the robots, but I still look like a man.

Yeah.

I think that'd be good.

There go.

You're body painted as R2D2.

You're fully naked.

You just have white paint on the top.

Hard R D2.

Hard R D 2.

Yeah, yeah.

Beep, beep,

beep.

They're like R2.

Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

They're like, Lando, I am so sorry.

Beep!

A hard R D2.

Yeah,

that's a really fucked up thing, you know.

I would be willing to bet

that you.

We're not at 30 minutes.

Yeah, we are.

No, I got a timer on my phone.

We're literally at 30 minutes.

Four minutes.

Three, two,

one.

Guess who likes gambling?

What would you be willing to bet, Stop?

And then where would you bet?

Well, if I was willing to, if I had to bet that Nick is, if he's going to be in the next Star Wars, I would bet no.

And I would bet at betdsi.com.

The motherfucking most premier ass fucking website for betting in the universe.

Yeah.

Wouldn't you say, Nick?

I wouldn't say the most motherfucking.

I wouldn't disrespect that.

I wouldn't disrespect a website that's been in business for over 20 years.

Wow, I didn't even know websites could be that old.

Yeah, they can be that old.

Do they do good-ass payouts?

They do good-ass payouts.

And they've got an easy-to-use mobile app.

A mobile interface.

Play, bet, win, easy-to-use.

It's fun.

You guys have used it yourself.

Oh, yeah.

Most recently to gamble on the World Cup, which is either happening now or over or something.

It's never going to stop.

And

Stavi's number one lock of the century, bet the Russians to win.

Putin is fixing this shit, bro.

How much money have you won off that?

I've won one big bet on the Cavs, like $200.

But I lost a little more on the Sixers.

Ooh, the house always.

That's what I'm saying.

Adam, what have you bet and won?

I bet

for Iran to win game one and won $1.3 million.

And it's not just sports.

You can bet on,

like, how many times is Donald Trump going to, how many goofball things is Donald Trump going to say while he's genociding those children?

So you can have fun.

Just stuff like that.

We all need some levity right now.

Yeah, they'll offer live in-game wagering, you know?

So you can, I don't know, you know.

Yeah, in the middle of the game, you know.

Go ahead.

Maybe you can hedge your shit.

Maybe you're a procrastinator.

Yes.

You know?

You're trying to get a little juice on one quarter.

Maybe it's boring.

What do you guys picks is?

Pixies.

I just picked the Russians for real.

That is my real pick.

I legit think.

That's That's your real pick.

No, I don't think they will.

I think they will, dude.

Every time a dictator gets a fucking World Cup, they always win.

Mussolini.

I'm winning through the groups.

Yeah, that is true.

Mussolini won.

And then in Argentina.

Argentina won.

Yeah.

I'm going to bet on it.

I always bet on America.

America's not in it, but in the cup.

You can see it.

I'm betting on America anytime.

That's cool.

I like that.

I like that.

That's the movie.

You want my picks?

Yes.

Bet on America.

Yes.

Hell yeah.

America is a team.

The dream team.

We send it all from all of our top soccer teams.

Yeah.

DC United.

The U.S.

Soccer Bulls.

FC FC.

Those should be our team, right?

The U.S.

soccer player.

I guess the teams don't have names.

Yeah, it's just.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a national team.

It's a national team.

There's the New York Red Bulls.

There's FC

Dallas.

Dallas.

There's Real Salt Lake.

That's the funniest one.

What the fuck?

Real Salt Lake.

There's no buckets

over there.

I think in Salt Lake, there's actually a vibrant immigrant community.

Anyway, there is.

What does Real mean?

Royal?

It means Royal.

Yeah.

Real Madrid is the

Queen's team.

They're also the racist team.

Can you imagine the Queen of Spain?

They used to throw good ass paella pussy.

Anyways, you go to betsi.com, use promo code CUM25, capital C, lowercase UM25.

You get 25% on your deposit, an extra $200.

Start betting today, make some money.

Make some fucking scratch, bitch.

Come 25.

And yeah, I guess we get to talk about

these immigrant kids.

Yeah, we had some good takes before.

They're free, dude.

They're free now?

Yeah, Trump's sending them from the baby concentration camps to the regular ones.

Trump said that

the only way this is going to end is if the Democrats fucking

change the law.

The law that they made, by the way.

Yep.

Which is good.

It was Obama's idea.

It's good.

It was good.

It's good.

Well, Obama did have detentions.

I think I really wasn't.

Well, he deported more people than any president.

Every

combined.

Yeah, for sure.

But the difference was that.

He was the infrastructure for Trump.

He wasn't, I know, Obama wasn't separating the kids.

And I think you study the Holocaust, any other atrocity in history, and nobody has a problem with the gas chambers or the prisons.

No.

The problem is that they separated the children from their parents.

Yeah.

Universally.

Exactly.

And so, like, no one is saying don't imprison families.

Sure.

No one's saying.

No one's saying that.

Which it would be unreasonable to expect us not to just immediately throw people in chicken wire jails that used to be Walmarts.

Yeah.

You know, just let the kids get raped with their parents.

Yes, while their parents watch, help them.

While their parents watch.

Don't separate the family.

That's true.

My family.

Sir,

good.

Sir,

my president, sir.

45.

Sir, yeah.

45.

Mr.

Cheese Doodle and G.

I feel like if you say sir like that,

there should immediately be a very tiny knife that's inserted into your angle.

And you should get hold of it.

Real quick, just to remind you that you're not, you know, Sir Thomas Moore or

whatever you think this exchange may have.

I will die for

your right to win, sir.

Get it fucking, you know.

You should lose.

How much self-awareness do you have that you think is, oh, sir?

Like that guy with the, the, you said Corey Lewandowski.

The guy was like, yeah, where he's like.

He's like, we have a girl with Down syndrome that's been separated from her parents and abortion.

Which, like,

you know, the separations are bad.

It's bad.

It's a bad situation.

I understand why, like, you think, like, oh, and she's retarded.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, Lewandowski being like, womp, womp, womp, womp.

Wild shit.

It is wild, but I mean, it's like, oh, can you believe the guy that got kicked out of the campaign for like beating a woman a year ago and punching her in her pocket?

Yeah.

It's like saying womp, womp.

Well, the thing is, now that he's been kicked out of the campaign for beating a woman, he's now been hired by CNN, and he was like a Harvard fellow.

It's like, oh, yeah, it doesn't end your career at all.

My say they got Harvard Fellows.

How about Harvard Fellows?

Yeah.

The Harvard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no association with Harvard University.

It's a gentleman's club.

We just out here in Cambridge.

We rented out a storefront

with insurance money.

It's a place where you can chill, smoke cigars, play PlayStation 2.

That's right.

Yes, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Madden 07 with Michael Vick.

Remember that year?

Dude, he was an ostophop.

He was unstoppable.

Oh, that's another fun.

Wasn't that on the last one that we got lost?

That was like the Executives Club or whatever that you were going to do?

The Executive.

Do you remember that?

No.

It was just some fake thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was a good riff.

It was like a birch box for entrepreneurs.

Oh, yeah.

Nick is fucking stupid.

The Something Society.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was a good riff.

Damn, it's a shame we lost that episode.

We actually, yeah, the one we lost was a pretty good one.

That's the best one we lost.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if it was bad.

I mean, it was definitely...

I was trying to hype up.

It was probably a 6.8 out of 10.

That's great for me.

6.9.

Come on.

Yeah, 6.8.

Nice.

Come on, DC.

Well, I guess let's go.

Let's get some riffs going.

Wet naps.

These are on the table.

You know, I don't understand.

What is this?

Yes, you want to put a diaper on your face?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, enjoy the wings.

You can feed yourself, stuff your gullet like you're

Igor

Strabimov at the Council of 18.

You know,

you just marched from the Volga River all the way to the Louvre.

Come on.

Yeah, and then.

And what do you got?

Then you're having your wings down in Constantinople.

The Battle of Hermopolis just happened.

Oh, yeah, you know what I want?

I want to rub a diaper on my face.

And that's what a wet nap is, folks.

Got him.

Also, it sounds very similar to a racial slur.

It'd be funny if, like, he just didn't know shit and all the references are just like schizophrenic rambling, which is basically what it is.

Yeah.

Does it matter that he knows anything?

Is he smart?

Like, why the fuck does he know all that shit?

He, like, read a couple books.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, also, in the last episode, I said Einstein wasn't smart.

Oh, yeah, that was my bad.

That was good.

He stole it all from a Greek guy.

Yeah.

Fuck Einstein.

He was not that smart.

Yeah, that's a very good idea.

He just knew math.

He just knew math well.

Well, he didn't get good grades in school, right?

Yeah, that was just, we'll do a quick take recap.

Yeah.

The pictures of the immigrant kids crying.

Adam said it was good.

I went pro, Nick went con.

So for all the identity Ev Ropa, guys.

My feelings is, how do we know that's not a shitty kid?

Oh, that was true.

That was a good take.

Yeah, because, I mean, children cry all the time.

Yeah.

For all I know, that kid could have been demanding to run the concentration camp.

Yeah.

And his dad was like,

it's snack time.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, so

crying child doesn't do much for me.

Good point.

You have to take what happened.

Oh, yeah, Chris Hardwick.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

The text messages came out.

Has changed.

What were the texts?

I didn't see it.

Something happened with that.

Fuck Chris Hardwick.

There was some development.

Honestly who could do that?

I'm sure I had that job.

I can't recall.

The nerd is going to suck my dick.

Irreplaceable.

Who's not that talented?

Who could do that job of talking about a show after the show?

Oh, hold on.

Anyways, I think he's innocent.

I don't know any of the details.

Oh, I agree.

He's innocent.

You know what, folks?

I just got to say, immigrant kids dying good.

This Chris Hardchuck guy.

You know, I've been a fan of his for years.

I listened to every show on the faggist podcast.

I think he's great.

There's no way he would do something like this.

This guy who I definitely know.

We're on my nerves.

Didn't have something of Chris Tardwick?

Oh, yeah, Chris Tardwick.

That was a good riff.

Welcome to APM.

That was a good riff.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He doesn't know the letters.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, he doesn't know the letters?

We're talking dead on A.

Oh, yeah.

You're watching Talking Dead on AMC.

Is that right?

Yeah, man.

My memory's shit.

That was a good episode.

Yeah, it was two days ago.

Yeah.

God damn it.

Hey, man, it's all right.

No, this sucks, dude.

Yeah, no, it's I hate losing episodes.

I'm sure there's no one that's pissed off about us, you know, being well.

Let me tell you: if you find a fucking like little Samsung SD card anywhere in the New York Metro and you want to pop that bitch into your fucking computer,

you have a secret episode, hidden.

Actually, you know what?

I intentionally lost it, and now there's a scavenger hunt in New York to find the missing SD card with the hidden come town episode where I did Chris Tardwick.

It was a groundbreaking bit.

It's certainly not just the same fucking Down syndrome guy I've done a million times.

Because here's the big joke.

He doesn't know how to read.

He's like,

get this.

That retarded guy character is illiterate.

Damn.

You are watching a master at work.

I guess whites are dying.

Good.

Fuck them.

White people?

Yeah, white people.

What do you mean they're dying?

Well, the population of white people has declined for the first time, where it's statistically significant now.

Interesting.

Sort of like how

they're just not having

immortal words of he who shall not be named because.

No, the guy I bullied into becoming a librarian.

Oh.

White genocide.

I can't wait.

Well, maybe, maybe it'll be good.

Is it because we're fucking white?

Like, don't you feel like we owe it to the world?

No, no, it's literally there's been like a huge uptick in

like interracial crime and like white people are just being murdered in numbers.

What?

What are you talking about?

No, I mean, I just read the New York Times article.

It said that low, low fertility rates, and then also that there's like a huge number of black-on-white killings.

Jesus Christ, dude.

Come on.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

It's right here in the New York Times article.

It says it right here.

I mean,

you can't make this stuff.

I heard Dayton, Ohio is just a war zone.

You can't go outside.

No, on average,

six zombies.

He's reading directly from the bottom of the street.

Every six minutes, a white person is killed by a black 13-year-old.

And he says,

this is to change the demographics as he pulls the trigger.

As he pulls the trigger of the gun that only he's allowed to have by law now.

Because

we took all the white people's guns away.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Did you see that Trump threw Starburst at Angela Merkel?

What a king.

That's pretty funny.

You know, sometimes

concentration camps, but then sometimes he's funny.

Thank you for the Starburst.

It is so funny that he's just eating Starburst in like an official ass government world meeting.

Angela Merkel.

Official ass government world.

Angela Merkel, how about Angela Urkel?

She's a fucking nerd.

Should we tell him that

I did that?

Did you do it?

Yeah.

And not only did I do it, but I just did a Steve Urkel impression like two seconds ago prior to you saying that.

Well, I wasn't.

So you didn't listen to.

I did not listen.

I mean,

I do.

Did I do that?

That'd be fun.

Like if Steve Urkel did the Holocaust.

Exactly.

Did I do that?

That'd be a fun episode of Family Matters.

He goes, he does a time machine.

Did I do that?

Yeah.

Erkel finds out that the Jewish guy that owns the house that the Winslows live in is raising their rent.

And he's like, I'll help you, Lara.

I'm like, Steve's experiment went terribly wrong.

I like the idea that before that, the Holocaust had never happened.

So the first half of Family Matters is in a world where there's way more Jews.

There's no World War II.

It just never happened at all.

The second half is our universe as we know it.

Shouts out to Steve Urkel, Stefan Orkel.

Steve O'Erkel.

Yeah, I love it.

That's good.

I love it.

I'm going to suck a dog's dig.

I'm going to staple my nuts to my leg.

Lara, look.

There's a rocket dildo in my ass.

I love you, Lara.

Womp, womp.

So what is the story?

A girl with Down syndrome got separated from her family?

Yeah, I think so.

And

I think one of the fathers that lost his kids got committed suicide.

I mean, I don't understand how the fuck you, like,

work for I.

I don't understand.

It's unbelievable.

I really just don't fucking understand that.

It's just

like if you want, like.

But, like, what, like,

if you want to

torture animals, I don't understand.

Yeah, but the regular cops are racist to begin with.

That's right.

It's the more racist.

No joke.

Do you have to be physically thinking?

How the fuck are you doing that job?

Physically.

No, no, no.

I mean, how the fuck are you doing that job and not having like a severe fucking crisis?

You think we're not being- We want to be in a Gestapo.

You think we want to be in the street?

Nobody wants to be.

I just don't get it.

I don't fucking think about it.

There are people that want to be.

There's no way you don't have any kind of like historical context.

You don't understand.

There are a ton of people that don't have that context or that think.

Yeah, that are racist.

They think it is good.

It's a funny thing.

They think it's hilarious.

Yeah, somebody was posting shit of like someone from Baltimore posted a thing where it's like, can you believe what we're doing?

And then there were people that were like, yeah, I see.

I don't see a...

The only problem I see is that, you know, they're still breathing.

Wait, what's the story with they took immigrant kids that were separated and brought them to New York City?

Yeah.

And like dropped them off in the Bronx.

Yeah.

Like an orphan.

And De Blasio's like, what the fuck are you doing?

Like, what do we do with these?

It's straight up steal it.

It is kidnapping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is kidnapping.

It rocks.

Yeah, it's really dope.

This is wild, dude.

And then there was that cop.

We brought this up in the last episode.

There was that cop in Texas that was raping four-year-old Mexicans and then telling the parents that he was going to deport them if they snitched.

And aren't these people like asylum seekers?

Isn't there some kind of

Diddler Texas Ranger?

That's Chuck Norris.

Just ranging Ranger.

He's like, four-year-olds.

Hey, listen,

I got to stop in this daycare center real quick.

And he's pulling

his Dodge Ram truck.

I wish I knew anything else about the Walker, Texas Ranger.

There's no way I can

walk that thing.

There was a black guy.

Child Walker.

Child

Walker.

Haley Joe Osmond was on it, and he had AIDS.

There's that famous Conan clip where he's like, I have AIDS, Walker.

Remember that?

Walker, Texas

Stranger Danger.

Underage.

Walker, Texas, Stranger Danger.

Walker, Texas.

That's not bad.

That's not bad.

Underage?

Walker, Texas, underager.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Got him.

Okay.

So, yeah, take that, that guy that's a rapist.

Yeah, and he, you should see a picture of this guy.

Yeah.

I guess that's why everything's bigger in Texas, because when it's in a child's hand, he's like 600 pounds.

What's the deal with pedophiles being 600 pounds?

What do you mean?

There's like a, like, I'd say half the time.

Stop, you want to feel this?

No, no, it's not all fat people.

But half the time.

When you see a mugshot of a pedophile, they're like 900 pounds.

Remember when we were doing Bobby Kelly's podcast and and was John Morse was there?

And like, you told some story about showing your dick to a kid, and he didn't realize that you were talking about you also as a child.

Yeah, I was a little kid, yeah.

And like, that guy was about to beat you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was so funny.

He was like,

he was about to get up out of that chair and fucking just throttle him to look in his eyes.

And I wouldn't have stopped him either.

That's a big dude.

First of all, imagine telling a story for laughter

about being a grown man who shows a child your penis.

Exactly.

Looking like you.

And it's like, this is your budding comedy career.

You go on, you know what, dude?

And you're like, I showed my penis to a child.

What?

I thought it was funny.

Yeah, I was trying.

No, the story was I was trying to convince.

Yeah, this guy looks at the stop.

He's like, you showed your fucking dick to a kid?

And he, like, I swear to God, dude.

It was like, I mean, if he had not been able to clarify immediately, he's like, no, I was also five.

That would have been it for you.

It would have been lights out.

Nah, I would have fucked his ass.

Nah, you wouldn't have done shit.

I would have fucked him up.

You would have done shit.

See,

that's not the kind of fight you can win.

You can't say I showed my penis to a child and beat somebody in a fight.

If he wins the fight, then I think he's.

Well, he had just told a story about his baby daughter being in the hospital, and then I followed it up with, I showed my dick to a kid.

Whatever, man.

Sometimes you got to do what you got to do.

Yeah.

And that's being a child and trying to get a kid to show each other, show you his dick.

Because my mom told me not to show anyone my privates.

Right.

I had a whole period of being like a four-year-old Flasher.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

What the fuck else were we talking about?

Hmm.

I feel like I really...

I really thought we'd get more mileage out of the Starburst thing, you know?

Oh, the Starburst thing.

Wait.

What did he do?

Hold on.

Should we go back to that Down syndrome girl that was separated from her family and do an impression of her?

No, I don't

do that.

But how about this?

We can do an impression of her father, and the ice agents tell him what has to be done to get his daughter back.

Yeah.

Hey,

all right, we're going to let our only female ice agent

interrogate this man.

Have you seen that porn?

We've talked about this before.

There's like a porn where it's like sort of.

Oh, I saw Hereditary, by the way.

Yeah, what'd you think?

I liked it.

I disagree with your do you thought you thought it was scary well nothing really scares me yeah yeah i don't have fear in my heart like you do i used to get scared i i got scared of movies

there's not a fucking shred of worry or fear i fear nothing no in fact i will confront every each and every member of the open anthony suburb

Don't you dare.

And by the way, guys, we are not mad at anything.

We just think it's fucking funny.

Yeah.

No, I am pissed.

are you i think it's just funny i'm really mad dude and you know what here you probably didn't consider this i cried myself to sleep like

hope you're happy

maybe is that what you wanted is that what you guys wanted me to me to have a moment where i thought maybe i don't deserve four hundred thousand dollars a year is that the feeling you wanted to inspire in me because guess what that's what it did you hurt his feelings you hurt my feelings

oh Nick, you're not on Twitter, but there's this Twitter account called The Racism Dog.

Yeah, I saw it.

It got in trouble because it barked at a story about a black woman committing a hate crime as if it were racist.

And people are like, that's not racism.

And then

they deleted the account because it's too much emotional labor.

Yeah, I think that did so.

They did a post about how they were taking

tweeting and going wolf

to do a lot of things.

That's too much emotional labor.

To do some self-care.

What a fucking loser.

Which, anytime someone says self-care and they're not talking about jacking off, like, fuck off.

I love to jack off.

No, they're talking about like recovering from their narcissistic injury where they take two days to be like, you know what?

Those people are wrong.

I am better than everyone else.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Also, what did you do?

What the fuck?

You literally just would go woof.

It sucked.

That account sucked dick.

All accounts suck.

There's nothing good on Twitter.

I think

there's some porn sauce that shows it.

NYC Guido voice is good.

God rest his soul.

Thank you.

Yeah, I like the porn sauce that show their titties more.

Yeah, I like that they can just show that clips of the fucking.

I love that.

I'm proud of Twitter for not censoring nipples and stuff.

Are you?

You're proud of them?

I'm very proud of you.

Displaying pornography.

Yeah.

I'm proud of that company for peddling pornography.

What do you mean, peddling?

That's what they're doing.

They're peddling it.

They're not.

I don't think they're doing that.

That's what you are, dude.

You're a peddler.

I love the phrase.

I'm a monger, not a peddler.

Pedaling is good.

I'm a monger of goods.

The diddle pedaler.

I'm a mongrel of goods.

You want to mongrel this this dick?

Yeah, of course.

Do you guys want to see the John Gotti movie after this?

Hell yeah.

No, not after this.

Oh, I got to run home.

I'm going to see it with Matt and Will.

No, I can't.

But we should watch it.

We should watch it.

Matt and Will and I have started a movie club recently.

You guys should start.

Why don't you brag?

Because you just said that was you, Matt, and Will, that we weren't invited.

No, I'm trying to get you guys for the invitation.

I said we're not invited.

I'm saying you guys can join the movie.

Thanks, bro.

That's really nice of you.

Please, please.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Adam.

Apparently, the John Gotti movie is a piece of shit.

Oh, I can't wait to see it.

I do really want to see it.

I was thinking if we have to double up, we should do an episode, then watch the movie, then do another episode.

We should go watch the movie, then come back and do an episode.

I have to do work today.

I can't.

What do you have to do?

Chop vegetables?

No.

Put them in the freezer.

I'm actually a comedian who has dates that he has to prepare for.

I have to go to the next one.

When are you going to prepare?

Yeah, we have spots.

You forget that.

We have spots at three people.

Me and Stop both.

I'm headlining shows now.

Me and Stop both do spots.

We do comedy.

I'm in Seattle.

I'm in Portland.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I do comedy.

We go out and we do comedy spots.

We don't just say poo-poo caca over and over again for the same seven minutes we've been doing for the five years we've been in New York.

Whatever, dude.

So that's what I have to do.

I get it.

I mean, you're fucking

professional comedian.

Lenny fucking Bruce.

Lenny Bruce.

I am Lenny Bruce.

That's my hero.

Lenny Bruce Willis.

Ooh, that's good.

Yeah.

What about Lenny Bruce Bruce?

Lenny Bruce Bruce?

Oh, my God.

That's

amazing.

Gold mine.

Well done, dude.

That might.

Oh, man.

It's a shame.

I'm too tired to riff that out.

That would be both pretty hungry.

That would be the fucking best.

Yeah.

That was the other.

Somebody complaining about you on the Reddit.

They're like, stop fucking ends every episode early, or he starts talking about what he needs to eat, or that he's hungry.

I mean, that's pretty fair.

I am.

Every 45 minutes in, I start getting hungry.

Yeah.

Okay, wait, hold on.

Lenny Bruce Bruce.

No, you can't let that one die, but just a reference.

Here we go.

Oh, shit.

I don't know any Lenny Bruce.

I know.

Lenny Bruce sucks.

Yeah.

Yeah, his words.

He said cocksucker.

That's what got him in trouble.

Yeah, you go to jail for his words.

Lenny Bruce is one of the most overrated comedians of all time.

Yeah, he sucks.

I mean, he's not good at comic, but it was important to go to jail for cussing.

That's pretty cool.

I've gone to jail for cussing.

No.

Yes.

For being gay.

But also cussing.

While doing it.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, that feels good.

Well, you fuck my ass at this time.

Chucky Superfluent.

I was saying

F-word while cussing.

While having gay sex in public.

Yeah, I don't know a single Lenny Bruce.

Maybe we go the opposite way, where it's like a Bruce Bruce bit, but told like a very self-serious Jew.

Yeah.

You know?

What's a Bruce Bruce bit?

Yeah, everybody's got an uncle that laughs without cracking a smile.

Now everybody's got an uncle that laughs.

I can't do a Lenny Bruce impression either.

Me neither.

It's like when I was like in

18, I would listen to it and be like, yeah, this is the good shit.

I mean, I listened to a shit ton of Bill Hicks when I was that age, but Lenny Bruce.

Lenny Bruce never did that for me.

No, I didn't like most of it.

I was like, I was like, shouldn't these people be locking arms and protesting cemeteries?

It's like Bill Hicks is almost indistinguishable from Tom Meyer.

Well, Tom is not bottles himself out of the business.

Of course he does, but there's nothing.

There's nothing funny about Bill Hicks anymore.

Yeah.

I'm sure he's got something.

I mean, he has a limited body of work.

The guy died when he was like 33 or whatever.

Yeah.

LeMay got some serious ass cancer, right?

Out of nowhere?

He got got, dude.

Yeah.

You think the government got him?

Good thing that we're going to have to make truth blocks.

There's zero chance of that happening to us.

One of us is probably going to hear it.

I mean,

it's probably me.

I had a tumor in my jaw.

Thank God it was benign.

No, no, I mean, I think that there's some psychosocial.

He's going to kill you.

You think?

No.

Dude, I'm starting to get paranoid.

About what?

You think someone's going to murder him?

No one cares that much about you, Adam.

I don't know, dude.

They really don't.

I don't know.

They care just enough to mock you, but not enough to kill you.

I don't know.

You think someone's going to kill you?

How would they do it?

They go sit next to me in the movies.

All right.

Let's just stare at me the entire movie.

This is boring.

We've got to get some riffs going here.

The new urban power brokers, business day,

New York Times.

What are that?

What are those?

What are that?

What are that?

What are that?

I don't know.

I get from this illustration, it looks like Amazon's making robots to destroy Newark.

Oh, fuck.

We can't let that happen.

Nah, that'd be pretty sweet, dude.

If you saw robots destroying Newark?

I love the people that, like, the people that move this shithole towns like Newark or Trenton or whatever.

They're like, this place is going to

come up.

After people are done gentrifying New York City, which still has.

25, 30 years years to go.

I mean, it's never going to happen.

You're talking about all five boroughs?

I mean, Manhattan's pretty much entirely gentrified.

Sure.

Manhattan.

Well, no.

I mean, there's some spots on our east side.

Yeah, but those are like

Harlem.

Yeah.

Oh, the neighborhoods filled with black people are insignificant to you.

In terms of, like, the.

In terms of the people are worthless.

No, no, square mile.

That they're insignificant.

No, no, I'm just talking about

square footage.

I hope all of our black listeners that need this show to to overcome

aren't put off by Adam's egregious racism.

I know you're just pandering to the opening Anthony subreddit.

I know.

Definitely.

I'm trying to become the aunt of the show, their favorite

one.

I love Anthony Cumio.

Do you?

What about that other thing we were doing, cruising?

There was an article about cruising.

Yeah, let's not go to the paper.

What's going on in your life, Adam?

You love talking about it.

I don't.

I don't want to talk about it.

You carried some bags the other day?

Shut the fuck up.

Did you guys do anything for fun?

You've been telling us about this bag?

How hard the bags were to carry?

I'm never talking about my life again.

What kind of bag?

What?

What kind of bag was it?

What are you talking about?

You carried some bags of gravel.

Oh, that's cool.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I kept telling about it.

I've been

hard for four days.

Damn, bro.

I don't know.

What bags did you think I was talking about that you were upset?

I just, I don't know, dude.

I'm just.

Is there a bag that you carried like some very

little shit?

Should we get back into TI-83s?

Yeah,

you ever played Phoenix on those?

Yeah, Apple.

That game rules all the time.

Did you guys ever play Math does?

Of course.

Yeah.

I used to cheat all the time.

You know what game I loved?

Fall down.

Yeah, Fall Down was good.

Fall down was

too much for me, though.

I loved Phoenix, though, dude.

Yeah.

Little barrel road.

Wait, Fall Down was too much for you?

It was so simple.

Yeah, too simple overloads me.

When you have such a fucking complex mind, dealing with the very simple can

short-circuit it.

You know what I mean?

Remember that skiing game for Windows 95?

Which one?

Downhill or whatever it was called.

That was good, too.

What was it called?

There was like a Yeti.

Free ski.

Free ski, I think.

How about Windows 90 guys and it's guys only?

Yeah, there's 90 guys.

We had a couple of good guys only

lost episodes.

Oh, fuck.

Instead of Ray Rice, it's Ray Geis.

And he rides the Fellivator.

The Felivator, yes.

Take the stairs, bitch.

God damn it.

I'm so mad we lost that episode.

I was so excited for this one because I thought it was going to be be good, and now it's a goddamn shithole because I'm fucking mad about that bitch at IKEA that wouldn't get the goddamn forklift to take that back.

Yeah, we never finished it.

So we're back in.

So I go up to the information desk, and they're wearing blue shirts at the information desk, and I'm like, yeah,

I need to get a thing.

And then they go,

oh, you need to talk to somebody in a yellow shirt.

And it's like,

what is this fucking distinction?

I don't understand why they have different shirts for different roles.

What the fuck is the point of the information desk set?

So I find a lady in a yellow shirt, and I'm like, hey, I need something taken down.

She's like, what do you mean you need something taken down?

I'm like, I don't know how to make it any more fucking clean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I really don't.

Yes.

And then, you know, she's like, well,

nothing be coming down or whatever.

And this other guy comes up.

I'm like, all right, this is what I need.

And then show him.

I'm like, so whatever the fuck needs to happen, that I get this.

And then the guy like,

yeah, the guy sees that I'm like losing my temper.

And he's like, he's like, I'll take care of it.

I'll take care of it.

And he walks over.

I'm like, that.

He's like, oh, okay.

Well,

see,

those won't come down until tomorrow.

And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he was like, if they don't have them on the floor, then they're sold out.

I'm like, you have inventory.

It's right there.

I'm pointing at it.

You won't sell it to me because you won't get a fucking, you won't have somebody take that pallet down.

He's like, yeah, that's not going to happen until tomorrow.

Unbelievable shit.

Yeah.

They list they have inventory on the website.

It doesn't say sold out.

And it's all the way in fucking Red Hook, which for our non-Brooklyn listeners, very difficult to get.

They're that far away.

With public transit, impossible.

Are we going to take an Uber?

I'm just trying to buy a fucking medicine cabinet.

Same one as Adams.

Yeah.

No.

Copy.

Not copy.

Copy.

You saw my idea.

Not copy.

Someone as my medicine.

It was a bit, actually.

It was not a bit.

It was a bit.

I have a different one.

I have a bit of penis.

You listen to it.

Yeah, I thought you were going to say that.

You can't suck my whole penis.

Oh, I guess I should say a couple people in the Reddit are saying that if you find Adams commercial, you get to replace him on the show.

I have not made that promise.

I do love the bit.

It is very funny.

I don't know.

Don't find Adams commercial.

Don't find Adams commercial.

Yeah.

You don't get to replace him,

but you do get to suck me off.

Yeah.

They're going to do it, though.

Well, introducing a new segment on the show I like to call titty talk.

Titty talk.

I love it.

I'm here for it.

Let's go.

Fellas, you know what I like to see is a big old pair of tits.

Yes, brother.

Go off.

I'm with you.

Seeing them move around, the shape of them.

Now, do you like

what?

How heavy a hanging titty do you like?

Do you like them high and tight?

To the knees.

To the knees.

You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, yes.

National Geographic.

I want to see that bulge in your pants.

I want to see a woman.

No bulge in her pants because her tits don't hang that low.

Trash.

Trash titties.

You're not being invited to Wife Central.

I want to the bedroom.

I want your titties in your pussy.

It's like, you better

keep your name out of my asshole.

Keep my name out your ass.

Keep my name.

Keep my name out of your fucking asshole.

Keep my name out your ass.

That was on the last episode, too.

It was.

God damn it, dude.

Look, somebody please.

Please find that SQ.

This always happens.

Anytime we fucking lose an episode, it's good, and we go to replace it, and it's just absolute dog shit.

No, this is fine.

I was okay for the first 30 minutes, but everything after that,

Mama Mia.

I guess it was, you know, people would just stop listening to it.

Yeah, hopefully.

Give me some shit up front.

People were like, I think, concerned after the premium.

As they should be.

They were like sending me messages, like, make sure news.

You stick okay.

Yeah.

What is it?

Because you sounded depressed.

I am depressed.

And then, like, I've been depressed the whole fucking time.

Yeah, nothing has changed, guys.

Everything's the same.

Everything's oppa gangnam style.

You know what I'm talking about?

Everything's feeling gangnam style.

What happened to that guy?

Cy?

Cy.

He had a second song with Snoop Dogg.

What the fuck is this?

This is an art section.

First of all, what the fuck is going on with the art section?

Yeah, these ridiculous.

There's one in here that's like, gay sex used to be illicit.

Now it's art.

Cruising.

Yeah, cruising.

Getting fucked in your ass by strangers in the park.

Also, Robert Mapplethorpe made pictures of that shit 30 years ago.

Right.

It was art.

It was art.

Now it's a product.

Yeah.

It was art back when it was subversive.

Now it's something that you can go to college for.

Being gay.

Grab a degree and getting my ass stuffed.

Old question mark?

You mean fabulous on Instagram.

And then it's this Lynn Slater, this 200-year-old bitch.

I'm not 20.

I don't want to be 20, but I'm really freaking cool.

That's what I think about when I'm posting a photo.

Sounds gay.

It sounds stupid.

Of course, you want to be 20.

Nobody wants to be 78 years old.

It would be so much better to be young than old.

Yeah.

I have no problem with my diminishing status in society and the fact that I'm going to die soon.

That's why I have an Instagram account where I take pictures of myself all the time.

This is just what every fucking millennial is going to turn into.

This is just some wild fucking narcissist born in the Nazi era.

Everyone will be like this.

You think so?

Yes.

Are you up?

70 is the new.

No, it's a funny thing.

You're railing against selfie culture right now.

Is that what you're doing?

Selfie culture.

What are you talking about?

Some old bitch on Instagram.

He's mad at her.

You leave the room.

You're not paying attention.

I didn't leave the room.

I got water.

You left the room.

Functionally, look, I know it's all the same.

This is an open floor plan.

I know, but this is still the living room.

This is not.

This is the room.

Once you cross the fridge, you're in a different room.

This is the breakfast nook, and that is the kitchen.

Once you cross the fridge,

you're in the fucking kitchen space.

No worries, man.

I got you.

We're the property brothers over here.

Dory Jacobson, 83.

You don't have to be perfect to have confidence.

You can still show your cleavage without being told to cover up.

This is a 94-year-old.

That sounds disgusting.

She said 84.

I would see some old titties.

Yeah.

I receive a lot of happy messages saying, please live longer.

I want to get older like you.

You know who didn't?

Anthony Bourdain.

He had the right idea.

Okay, bed.

That's cool.

Yes.

Yes.

That's right.

Go ahead, Chachi.

Okay, what is Chachi?

He says it.

I think it might be from that show, Joni Loves Chachi.

What is there was a showing people.

That was just two seasons.

Yeah, it was a spin-off of Happy Days.

I think it was a spin-off of Charles in Charge.

No, no, no.

Charles in Charge, totally different show starring the same guy.

Scott Gayo.

Scott Gayo.

Scott Gayo.

Yes.

Scott Gayo is in a PAX television series where he plays the Doctor that moves to New York.

Really?

What's it called?

I don't know.

PAX?

Is that one of those weird, like, like bunny ears channels?

You get for free?

You mean the Playboy channel?

Like, 11th attention fun.

Okay, what do we got here?

What do we got here?

We got a Grade A idiot false.

Yeah, you fucking idiot.

You mean the Playboy channel?

bitch?

No, Pax Television was like the

PAX Television was like the best television station of all time, dude.

I was just talking about this last night.

Just at people.

Oh, you know what?

I was in the West Village.

I went to that Cafe Reggio or whatever.

That's where you get all your weed, dude.

You smoke Reggie.

I smoke head.

No, you don't smoke heads.

You smoke mids, bitch.

Why is it called a head shop, right?

Anyway, you're at Cafe Reggio.

Guess who walks in?

I'll give you 20 guesses as to which celebrity walks.

He for Sutherland.

No.

Donald Sutherland.

No.

Sy from Gangnam Saul?

No.

Here, but you want maybe we'll.

Annette Benning.

You know what?

I'm going to.

Annette Benning.

No, let's ask that genie that can guess whoever you're thinking about because he is kind of an obscure celebrity.

Okay.

Pull up that genie.

I don't know what that is.

The genie that guesses celebrities.

Do you know what that is, Adam?

I have no idea.

Guesses

who

you are thinking.

The Akinator.

Akinator.

You ever use this shit?

Never, no.

What is this shit?

Hello, I'm an Akinator.

Look, okay.

So we're gonna.

This thing's great.

Okay, great.

Okay.

Is your character's gender female?

So, no.

Okay, so is your character real?

Yes.

Does your character create music?

No.

Oh, this is twenty questions.

Yeah.

Is your character a YouTuber?

No.

Is your character more than 40 years old?

Let me look him up.

Don't look.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he is.

Steve Buscemi.

No.

That's not obscure.

Let me see if you guys can guess him before.

He's not a YouTuber, so.

Frankie Munes?

No.

Close, though.

Dewey from from

Brian Crasson.

No, but close.

Oh, oh, Jesse Pinkman.

Yeah, he is older than 40 years old.

Did your character die?

No.

Did your character live in sports?

No.

Is your character an actor?

Yes.

Does your character mostly play in comedies?

Alec Baldwin?

That's super famous.

Kaylee Baldwin.

Does your character do unboxing videos?

No.

Is your character over 60?

No.

Does your character relate to Marvel?

No.

Does your character link to potatoes?

No.

Does your character wear a sweater?

No.

Mr.

Rogers.

Was your character on a popular TV show?

Yes.

Does your character use guns?

No.

Does your character appear in Yanderi simulator?

No.

What?

Does your character like sweets?

No.

What?

Does your character enter the competition on TV?

No.

Damn.

This shit's fucking.

Has your character ever played the lead role in a movie?

I gotta see if he's that's kind of a weird.

Oh.

Don't look.

I just looked.

You looked already, didn't you?

Yeah.

God damn it.

Fuck.

Keep talking, everybody.

Is it...

I'm gonna pretend I didn't see it.

I know the people at home are

on the edge of it.

I didn't see it, but I'm going to guess like I didn't.

I did see it, but I'm going to guess like I didn't to keep the momentum.

He was on a TV show.

Yeah.

He's on the TV show Grounded for Life.

It's Kevin Corrigan from Grounded for Life.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's in the Departed.

He's in The Departed.

He's in a bunch of shit.

I was just watching.

I think he's ever been on TV.

Say no.

I want to see if it gets it.

That guy's funny.

He is funny.

He does do comedies.

He does do comedies, but not primarily.

I'm going to say no.

Okay.

No.

What's new?

Does your character train with others?

No.

Does your character from a kids' show?

No.

Does your character appear in the first season of a show?

Yes.

Nice.

Does your character have a son?

I don't know.

I keep having to go back to the Wikipedia.

I may have found the one guy this fucking thing can't guess.

He's Puerto Rican and Irish.

Whoa, really?

Why does it ask that?

Why doesn't it just go immediately to race?

Is he Puerto Rican and Irish?

I guess, you know, they probably had to, like, because of PC bullshit, this thing can't ask the hard-hitting questions anymore.

Black.

Yeah.

Is this guy liking?

Character of a fucking

shit.

Genie, stop being so racist.

That was also funny you said on the last episode.

No, he just said it right now.

Oh, yeah.

I dream of Genie.

No, no, no, no.

When Nick said that.

Yeah.

Well, it got Peter Dinklage.

I am wrong.

Yes.

Damn, this shit sucks.

No, yeah.

It's your character.

You can ask it.

This guy guessed me.

Somebody did me and it guessed me.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

But it can't get this fucking person.

It can't get Kevin from the show.

An actual famous person.

Yeah, yeah.

Is there your character in a TV show that already ended?

Is your character already played a high school student?

Probably not.

Does your character drive a mech?

No.

What?

Does your character fall into holes a lot?

No.

What the fuck?

Does your character have dark hair?

Yes.

Is your character white?

Yes.

Here we go.

Now we're talking.

Is your character from

the real shit?

Has your character played a TV show that takes place in New York?

Yes.

Was your character once human?

Yes.

No.

He's not on Friends.

No, he's not on Law and Order.

Is your character said to be a hot guy?

Probably not.

Does your character ride a unicycle?

No.

Is your character make an advertising?

No.

Has your character been a lawyer?

Probably not.

Is your character sing on a stage?

Don't know.

Is your character Republican-minded?

Don't know.

Is your character from Firefly?

No.

There you go.

Does your character have roommates?

No.

Does your character tall?

No.

Is your character from Top Gun?

No.

Does your character have a strong fascination for guns?

Jeremy Piven.

No.

He also plays.

Is your character American?

Yes.

Is your character slightly overweight?

Probably not.

Is your character linked with video games?

No.

Is your character nerdy?

No.

Is your character associated with comedy?

Yes.

Is your character wear a headset?

No.

Is your character an urban legend?

No.

Is your character an Aries?

I don't.

This thing has never been this bad.

I've like

picked birthday

March 27th.

That's Aries.

Is it?

Uh-oh.

You know the Zodiacs?

Because I'm Aries.

You're fucking gay.

Fuck you.

You're gay.

Hold on.

That might be the link, though.

Is your character associated with the Terminator film franchise?

No.

I don't know.

Does your character drink a lot?

I don't know.

Is your character a stand-up comedian?

No.

Is your character from Drake and Josh.

No.

It's your character from a Broadway show.

He probably does Broadway, right?

Every one of these New York guys does Broadway.

I mean, the parted result.

Who cares, dude?

Fuck this guy.

The genie song.

I'm sorry.

Do you want to direct the show?

Yes, I would like to pluck my dates.

Okay.

Keep working on him, though.

Let's see if we ever get him.

Yeah, keep going.

So tomorrow, I'll be in Rhode Island.

Middletown, Rhode Island, which I thought I was going to be in Providence.

Apparently, it's some bullshit-ass

redneck part of Rhode Island.

But hey, come out anyway.

It's going to be a nice, fun show.

And then next week, I'm in Seattle the 28th, Thursday at Laughs.

Please get tickets for that motherfucker.

I'm in Portland on the 3rd at the Funhouse Lounge.

And then we also have Funny Moms the 25th coming up this Monday.

Nice lineup.

Tim Dylan, Claire O'Kane, Ronnie Chang from the Daily Show.

I believe that's it.

So did it get it, Nick?

No, I'm at 78 questions now.

So this thing sucks.

Yeah.

This genie sucks.

Well, you try it, pick a fucking different one.

A different person?

A different person, and it's surprisingly accurate.

Really?

But I can't guess Kevin Corrigan from Grounded for Life.

Do Claire Danes.

It'll be easy.

Your character is not one of the most popular characters.

Did it tap out?

It gave up?

Will it ask you who you were talking about?

I gave up now.

Will it ask you or no?

No.

Damn, you stumped the genie.

I stumped the genie.

Good for you, bro.

And that's, you know what?

A lot of people may say I'm bad at podcasting.

And that this show is aimless for mental retards.

And that we don't have theme music or jokes.

We don't say welcome.

There's no plan.

We don't say welcome.

But guess what, Andy?

We just stumped the thing.

Yeah, that fucking dumbass genie.

That stupid genie.

That MySpace quiz

that I just stumped.

Man, I wish we hadn't lost that episode.

Yeah, it was a good episode.

It was good, whatever.

There'll be more episodes.

There'll be more good ones.

That's why.

Hopefully, at some point.

Well, sorry, everybody.

That ought to do it, gang.

Thank you for listening.

And, you know, be on the lookout for that little SD card somewhere in the subway of New York City.

Come out to Funny Moms.

Come out to see me.

Goodbye, everyone.

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