Ep. 107 – Rubiks tube

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And

we're all.

Welcome to motherfucking Come Town.

It's me, Hard Dick Halkius, with my friends.

My name is Rebecca Jewish from the Heckbent podcast.

We've got Becky Jewish.

Yeah.

Adam Friedlands.

Other Jewish women.

The other Jewish woman.

Actually, let me talk.

We just want to give a really hecky ass shout to Robert De Niro,

who this week said what we were all thinking.

F Donald Trump.

F-U-C-K.

That's right.

We're going to say it.

Let's start the F-word countdown.

I'm just playing with the levels.

You know, I'm still on the fucking, I'm still the super.

On the boards.

I'm still on the boards.

Look a little too high.

Because I tell you now,

they should be at five.

They shouldn't be higher than that.

Which ones?

All of them.

And yours should be a little bit below.

It might sound quiet to you, but it's going to fucking clip when you start yelling.

And then when I edit it, it sounds like shit.

Okay, well, there we go, everyone.

We've got it now.

All right, can I go back to doing that Jewish girl?

Yeah, do it.

I don't know.

I lost it.

Rebecca's my.

I started thinking about the technic.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go ahead, technique.

Technical aspect.

Becky?

I can't, man.

It's so hard for me to get into character.

I've been teaching Adam how to act.

He's in a commercial this week.

No, I'm not.

We're not going to say what it is.

Yeah, we're not going to say that it's for.

We're not going to.

Don't worry.

We know the consequences of.

Everyone knows that we're all commercial actors.

It's true.

Luckily, me and you were good at our craft and we can blend in, whereas Stav can basically only play the seven-up dot and Coca-Cola.

Kool-Aid, man.

Yeah, yeah, dude.

I'm waiting for that reboot for that polar bear.

Like a gritty, like that'd be tight.

Yeah, dude.

Global warming, so my fur's all yellow and fucked up.

That's right.

Yeah, he can't lose weight.

He's lost all his hair.

He lost all my hair.

Because the polar caps have all melted, so now he's a nude bear.

That's right, that's right.

And all I need, and my fucking son's about to die.

I'm really thinking about it.

Damn, I'm about to die, but all I want is some sweet Coca-Cola for Christmas.

On the way out.

Let me get a Coke on the bottom.

It'd be cool if the zoo opened for Christmas and then they force-fed the polar bears Coca-Cola so the children could watch and open up their presents as

a hose that was jammed down the nostril of

Canute, the baby polar bear.

You remember Canute?

There was a baby polar bear named Knut.

I do not.

No.

It was like 10 years ago.

It was like this, like, everybody's obsessed with this cute baby polar bear or whatever.

And I was dating this girl that really loved that bear, and I told her it died.

Cool.

I was drunk, and I was going to do something vindictive.

She was like, oh, no.

And then like a week later, it died.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Was it in captivity or just in captivity?

Okay.

Yeah, Canute.

Let me look that.

Whoa, dude.

You fucking called it.

I did.

You cursed that fucking person.

That's just like one of those things that happens in life where you're like, maybe I am psychic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to do that shit with green lights and red lights when I was a child.

Yeah.

You thought you could.

Canute.

Yeah, December, March 2011 was the orphan polar bear born in captivity.

Orphan?

Yeah, rejected by his mother at birth.

He was raised by zookeepers.

Damn, what a fucking loser.

Yeah, he was the first polar bear cub to survive past infancy at the Berlin Zoo in more than 30 years.

Yes, we will help him.

Yeah, we will fall.

The Germans

have killed every baby bear.

Where's the timer at?

I guess we forget it.

Oh, yeah, we gotta do that thing.

Shut up.

What thing, dude?

Nothing.

We don't have ads.

We just sometimes talk about products.

I can't believe that guy fucking messaged me.

He's like, yo, do you really have to do the ads on the free episode?

Bitch, it's a free fucking episode.

This is a suck, Mike.

It really fucking ruins the show.

Shut the fuck up.

I've started having to fast forward with you.

Oh, no.

You have to use your fucking pudgy ass fingers to hit that 15-second mark, bitch.

Yeah, sorry, your mom's fingers were too busy massaging my prostate

with their fingers.

Rubbing every part of my dick and ass for you.

Fast forwards to do the fucking ads for you.

Yeah, you know whose mom is?

It's the nurse that played the nurse from

that movie where Stiffler gets his fingers, his ass fingered.

That's who your mom is.

Your mom is.

And guess what?

She's reprising the role right now.

She's got her fingers in all three of our asses, pal.

Euro trip, right?

Europe no, no, no, Road Trip.

Road trip.

The original.

The original.

Was Euro Trip a

sequel.

It was a spiritual sequel.

Yeah.

I don't think it had any of the same characters, but it was.

Yeah, that girl Harriet the Spy was in it, and she flashed people.

Oh, you can see Harriet the Spy's titties?

I don't think you see the titties.

I think you see her naked back, but for me, that was all I did.

I just see that.

I was trying to see Harriet's titties.

The stand wants me to make a video promoting the new

stand on.

When I'm not going to do that.

You can do it.

That seems lame to me, and I'm not doing it.

So I'll just shout out the new one.

First of all, don't try to convince me to do some sort of stupid fucking promo, Stavros.

I'm not going to do it.

Come on, man.

Just do it for the stand.

No.

They book us all the time.

I know.

They're a great club.

It's a great club.

I'm not going to do a fucking video.

I can't win imbecile.

That's the crime.

Yeah, so do your video.

We're separate people with different careers.

It jeopardizes my career to say I'm not doing a scripted video.

I've said numerous times it's a fucking good club.

I don't know who that video is.

Who doesn't know me?

And they're like, that guy looks trustworthy.

They're going to see a video of me saying, come on.

Oh, wait till you see how I'm dressed tonight, dude.

Yeah.

I'm going to shit all black Hawaiian.

Yeah, we're going to funny moms after this, guys.

Yeah, we got a fun night ahead of us.

Anyways, the new one's on like 16th.

It's wherever the fucking brother shout out to.

The brother Jimmy's is now.

It'll open up probably in, I don't know,

two to five years.

Whenever they get the stench of barbecue out of that news.

I hope they they never do, dude.

I'm just going to fucking.

Yeah.

I hope there's ribs left over when they open the club.

Yeah.

I guess, anyway, so yeah, the stand's closing.

Great club.

They're moving to wherever that brother change is.

On 16th and I think like Irving.

Yeah.

So not far.

That's such a good club for the people on this podcast to do stand-up.

Yeah, it's great.

I think it's like, yeah, it's been so nice for everyone that's a serious

stand-up comedian.

I didn't tell you guys, but Patrick from the stand sent me a message

that said that when the new club opens up, he wants me to go to a 5 p.m.

bringer mic.

A laughing Buddhist.

That's awesome, dude.

I would literally come.

I would pay to see you do a microphone.

I remember there was a microphone.

I remember going to.

I was supporting my friends when they were.

I went to one of those.

I went to one of those.

Just because when I first moved there, Patrick was like, You can do the paid mics, but you don't have to pay for them.

It's like, perfect.

I can do those early afternoon mics.

So I went to one of them.

I didn't even bother going up.

It was like sitting there and some guy bombs because it's just other people.

Yeah, yeah.

And then he gets off stage, and then whoever the like round bitch that was running the fucking open mic is gets on stage and she goes, Yeah, just something you should know is you never ever want to get off stage before you see the light because you don't know what's going on in the club or what's happening.

And like, it's like this is a chance to learn the

technical aspects of comedy, which is like you can literally be an abject, fucking

incompetent

heroin addict, yes, and still do stand-up comedy if you're funny.

Yeah, sure.

Artie goes on stage and bombs

and he's on drugs.

He's probably going back to prison.

He fucking just tweeted.

He's like, he's like, I'm probably going back to prison.

And he's like, just said it.

He doesn't fucking, there's no, like, there's no degree of professionalism required.

He's back on drugs?

It's the only thing that fucking matters.

If you think you're going to become a professional comedian, because, like, well,

I'll tell you one thing about that guy.

He did exactly five minutes.

Yeah.

At my second mic

ever, I got someone threatened to beat me up.

The guy that was hosting it, you remember that guy?

Yes,

already got, he had like a ten-year sentence like suspended or something, but he's on probation for like a long time, like four years or something.

For like DUIs or something?

A while.

He got pulled over like a year and a half ago with like fucking 80 bags of heroin.

Yeah, in a parking garage or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Those old Sterns where he talks about the arrests are like something.

I was just reading about it because I did.

I was reading through our subreddit, which is a treat, by the way.

Yeah, come on.

And then I went to what?

You can't do that, bro.

Why not?

It's just, you'll see bad things and it'll make you sad.

No, I actually enjoy it.

Yeah, they like you.

I don't know.

Even when they don't, I don't care.

It's funny.

Yeah.

The Opie and Anthony one, though, I took a trip over to.

That one is beautiful.

Oh, yeah.

It is the funniest thing in the entire fucking world.

Because it's them just like, you know, any woman or something.

Just say even remotely related to the show.

No, because they don't.

I don't, I can't really tell, but like, they're not as racist as Ant is.

And they kind of make fun of him for being racist.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I thought they hate Opie.

They hate everyone except Colin Quinn.

Really?

Yes.

Literally fucking.

They hate

every single person related to the show, Colin Quinn, and then Patrice, who's like dead.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, they hate that's so fucking funny.

They hate fucking all of them except Colin.

Respects to Colin Quinn.

Well, I was reading it, I was like, I was laughing so hard.

And you get to like page four, and there was like one post on the Reddit that was, does anyone here actually like Opi and Anthony?

There's the people being like, No, not really.

I mean, Opi and Anthony is not a show.

Yeah, it's not a show, yeah.

Yeah, so wait, people are still posting on that shit, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like where they

talk to their friends.

Yeah, yes, okay, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, if you have friends, I never got into forums, man.

I don't understand either.

I just use the internet to jack off.

I mean, I'm sure there's people that post on the Come Town subreddit that don't even listen to the show anymore.

That sounds good.

That they're just friends with other people.

Yeah, there's this misconception that it's like the only people that exist to be fans of the show, and that's not really how things work at all.

I used to read it, like, a couple of months ago because there was one guy that was just amazing.

But I think he got he quit or got kicked off.

Is this you trying to plug your own secret account on that?

No, no, no, no, no, that wasn't.

He had the best takes about us and who was the best who secretly.

Quite the opposite.

Quite the opposite.

But he

somebody told me that anytime there was a negative post about you, there would always be exactly one flag.

There's just some gay guy defending me online.

Yeah, it is a gay guy.

Yeah, that's what it was.

Well, you're right.

Technically, you're right.

This guy was like, no, this guy was like,

he would talk about like

the clues.

Change this up.

He would talk about clues that Nick would send him.

I don't have a fucking Reddit account.

My girlfriend has a Reddit account.

Oh, really?

And she posts on the Click on Subscribe.

Did you hear that, Dasha?

It's your fault.

Yeah.

You flag shit.

She would never do that.

No, she'd probably encourage people to do that.

She's a shit poster.

Yeah.

No, he used to talk about like clues that Nick was sending him and stuff.

Oh, that's good.

Like in the episodes.

That's good.

Nick was doing that.

He was doing that.

Yeah.

The guy was right, whoever he was.

If you put the clues together, you get a job at the CIA.

It's a national treasure type situation.

That's the saddest part about schizophrenia: realizing you're not actually working for the CIA.

You've just been like collecting your own feces for months.

Yeah, you just spent thousands on red yarn.

I've been eating shit

for months.

And I'm not James Bond.

That's heartbreaking.

We knew this kid in college that lost it right after college.

And he, I guess, someone came because he was posting some crazy stuff.

I'll tell you who came.

Somebody.

No, like the police came after that guy's mother.

But Ari, Ari had to like trip sit him, like waiting for his parents to pick him up.

And he was just smoking like fat blunts and watching belly.

Hell yeah.

and then just turning to Ari and being like, This is what it's all about.

This is what the game is all about.

Like, this is what you don't understand.

Like, this is what my life is like.

And, like, yeah, he thought the government was trying to kill him and stuff.

Yeah.

And then his mom and dad picked him up.

What's he up to now?

I don't know.

Probably that guy from that threesome story about Erwin.

You know, that story?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So that guy was bipolar and he had like some huge freak out.

Oh my god.

You know, they had.

During the threesome?

No, no, no.

This was like he held down Irwin and fucking months later.

Months later.

They were living in like College Park, and he fucking, they had like a backyard.

The backyard had like bamboo, like a bamboo fence.

And so the guy went nuts and then like thought it was a jungle or something.

And the guy was enormous.

He was like 6'8 and fucking was back there with like an axe and

a headband on.

And his roommate was like terrified because he was being threatened by him the whole time.

Jesus Christ.

That is funny.

Hilarious.

What do you even do if a nude 6'8 man with an axe tries to kill you?

enjoy the ride.

Life is a ride.

Life is a highway, baby.

I get my ass fucked up.

I'm really annoyed with all these people that are like

just in awe of.

Are you listening to Cometown in the other room?

What the fuck?

Just listen to this one.

Yeah.

We're in here.

We're turning on this.

Are you sick of this?

This is acoustic.

I'm about to go in on these animals.

He's about to go off.

Oh, yeah.

Why, dude?

Bourdain.

Just go in.

Bourdain's fine, but just all the people that have turned this into, like, you know.

Like, Bowie.

It's become Bowie.

No, it's not bad.

No, it's people talking about their own depression.

Not their own.

No, that's not even where I was going.

Go with, go with it.

But just all of these,

like this, like,

just travel.

You know, like those people.

The fucking, like, the answer to depression is like spending the money that most people don't want to be judged.

Yeah, they're depressed.

Exactly.

Being judged for people who are not going to be able to do it.

And then, like,

posting the phone number for the suicide hotline on Twitter.

Like, people that want to kill themselves can't Google the suicide hotline.

Right.

It's like they're not going to go to your shitty-ass Twitter account to pay for

the success rate of the suicide hotline has to be exactly zero.

I would assume.

There's no way that calling movie phone prevents you from ending your phone.

Do you want to kill yourself?

Everything about that.

I wrote a sketch when I was 19.

Oh, you showed it to me.

It's called the Suicide Hotline.

He gets like a black lady.

One time we were on the screen.

He's like, I think I'm going to kill myself.

And then she's like, I don't.

I said, aren't you going to listen to me?

No.

You call in, don't say,

I say, don't do it.

That's it.

Can I help you?

Do you have any more questions?

Can I talk to a manager?

Thank you.

And then you get to the bottom.

That was the escalation.

Yeah, it escalates.

Talk to the manager, and the manager's just trying to sell him direct TV.

Okay, before you kill yourself,

I need those credit card numbers.

I'm just going to ask you, what do you have?

What do you have to do?

What was the hold music?

What was the whole music?

Jump.

Oh, jump by band.

That's good.

I thought it was third eye blind.

Yeah, I used to be a.

Go ahead and shot.

I was a.

One time in my life, you know, I did a thing one time, ever.

I wrote a sketch once.

Yeah.

I was 19.

You've done other stuff.

You did all that Nicole stuff when you were.

That's true.

This podcast is just going to turn into reminding me of things that I've done.

Whatever, man.

This shit is funny.

Yeah, people like that.

Speaking of people who have done things,

Liam, if you're out there and you haven't killed yourself yet.

Please don't, dude.

Yeah, or at least make it clear that it's

Adam's fault.

Put that in the note.

Don't jump.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

I guess people are worried about him.

Damn, that would suck if he actually killed himself.

That'd be kind of fucking little dickhead if you ask me.

Yeah.

Don't insult him on the I would know with killing him.

Especially considering that's one of the reasons he's doing it.

He doesn't have a little dick, does he?

Yeah, tragically small.

I think he has a strong, powerful ass.

He has a dwarf's penis.

Can't they sometimes be a penny?

I hoe.

I hoe.

A dwarf's penis.

I just imagine it chopping up little trees and shit.

Following around Snow White with little fucking birds.

Yeah.

Well, Lee and Buddy,

yeah.

We miss you.

I think that's illegal to do in Canada, too.

To have a small dick.

To kill yourself, yeah.

Oh, like if you attempt suicide, you have to go to jail.

Yeah, you go to Canadian jail.

Oh, Canadian joke.

Made out of milk moose.

Made out of paper mache.

Oh, no.

Based on trailer bark boys, Canadian jail.

Yeah, you just play floor hockey.

Yeah, that's kind of tight.

You sell weed.

You know, if you jerk off a moose, it comes maple syrup.

Does it?

That's how you get it.

Yeah.

That's what.

Get away from the tap.

All right, so you saw Hereditary?

I did.

And you had a little performance you prepared for us.

Yeah, you started with It's Not Even Scary, which is hilarious.

I didn't think it was scary.

Damn, you and i got stoned i got stoned for it which i haven't been doing you're afraid of everything i am i was actually mostly afraid of this guy that was sitting in our row he's a weirdo kept looking at me and dasha

and then okay it's done it's over he kept looking at you yeah like the entire movie You think he wanted to fuck you, Adam?

I thought that maybe he liked Come Town or something, and then Dasha was like, maybe it's just a regular crazy person.

I was like, oh, thank God.

Why do you say anything?

You know who would have?

I know.

Louis Jay Gomez.

Yeah.

Louis Jay Gomez would be like, yo, what the fuck are you looking at?

Ejected from that movie.

And then spent nine episodes of his podcast discussing it.

It was weird.

Yeah.

I went to pee after the movie.

You don't look at a guy when he's with his chick, bro.

Yeah.

That's disrespectful.

First of all, it's not my fault.

I showed up at the movie 35 minutes late and then sat on that man's lap.

Bro, if I wasn't supposed to sit on your lap, they wouldn't have sold me a ticket.

So, okay, they didn't sell me a ticket, but still, no one was looking when I walked in.

Yeah, I didn't think it was scary.

Didn't have a lot of jumps.

Yeah.

What a gay review.

That sucks.

That's great.

I'm not really, I don't know a lot about

genre films.

Pardon me, though.

Fuck up.

I said scary movies and they got mad at me.

Genre films doesn't mean scary movies.

I think that's what they call them.

But it's not horror.

People get mad if you call it horror.

Interesting.

There's a whole thing about hereditary isn't horror or it is horror.

And the fucking horror

arguing about it.

You know, a movie sucked that came out a couple years ago, Mommy Dearest.

Not Mommy Dean.

What was that?

Or something.

Sucky fucking.

No, that like Viennese movie.

It was like...

It's about little sausage.

It was a Vienna movie?

Yeah, it's like an Austrian horror movie.

Oh, the only Vienna

movie I know is

on the ski slopes.

No, it's about the woman.

She's got her face all fucked.

She faces like cover.

Not Babaduke.

That's Australia.

God damn it, motherfucker.

I know what Babadoke is.

That's not it.

Is that scary?

Friday the 30th.

Babaduke's great.

Is it Friday the 13th?

Maybe

if you like those kind of movies, you'd like Hereditary.

I was way more scared of the Johnsons.

I wasn't scared, but I was like, actively felt horrible.

Warning because you wanted to fuck your dad?

Of course.

Yeah.

Of course.

No.

You were worried you might see men having sex the way it's supposed to be performed.

Between a son and a father.

Violently, instead of the delicate way you commit copulation.

Yeah, of course.

It has to converge.

Like you're rolling out phyllo.

I have to be on the Italian Riviera and there has to be a beautiful sunset and I have to be shaking slightly and he has to hold me close to his hairy chest.

Beat off in a peach and eat it.

Yeah, exactly.

They did that in that movie, right?

They did.

In the game movie?

Yeah, yeah.

They did do that.

The game movie that you like your dad.

Suck me like your dad.

One of them was old movie.

It was my favorite movie last year.

Yeah.

This is a very good movie.

Army Hammers, I think, like the one guy's like 18 and he's like 25 or something.

Yeah.

Army Hammer's older than that.

Army Hammer's got to be like 34 years old.

Yeah.

I think in the movie he's like in his 20s.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

And you can boy pussy.

Yeah, you can tell because when they take their pants off, the older man has nicer underwear.

In fact, it reminds me of

Mac Weldon underwear.

Whoa, really?

You should purchase at MacWeldon.com.

That's awesome.

It's a very simple, easy, quick, fun shopping experience.

If you're a gay man that's having

a younger gay man.

As a gay man myself.

When I go on my European vacations to commit pederasty,

I love going to macweldon.com and checking out their smart designs and premium fabrics.

Damn, all that gay sex must make your dick smell bad.

It smells pretty fucking bad.

Luckily, they have a line of silver, naturally antimicrobial shirts and underwear,

which will suck all that odor right out of you, and you blend right in with the rest of the French people.

Now, what if you're used to fucking with all kinds of secret gay underwear and you don't actually like the Mac Weldons?

Well, I'll tell you what, if you don't like the underwear, you can complain and they'll refund you.

Whoa.

You can keep the underwear, no questions asked, but you won't because they're the most comfortable pair of underwear you'll ever have in your life.

And not only do they look good, they perform well too.

So you wear them to the gym, to the movie theater, you know, both the regular kind, the kind you're allowed to get a heart on.

Check them out.

Go to macweldon.com and use promo code COMETON, C-U-M-T-O-W-N to get 20% off your order.

Hell yeah.

Check him out.

He'll be cornholing young lads in no time.

You know who I feel bad for?

Pee-wee Herman.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

Because he sort of had a comeback with Mystery Men, but then it didn't stick.

Nope.

He's always like, I feel like every six years he's in something.

Wasn't he in?

He was in Blow.

Remember that?

Yeah, he wasn't.

That was weird.

That was post-arrest.

We should get him in something.

You know what I mean?

We should get him on this podcast.

We get him on this podcast.

That would rule.

We're doing an Uve Peewee episode.

That would ride.

That'd be great.

Cometown Takes Vancouver.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

You should literally go.

I feel bad for that guy.

We should go to Vancouver and then San Francisco.

I was talking the other day about that scene in Taxi Driver where he takes Candace Bergen on a date to a porn movie theater.

And he's like,

what's the matter?

Like, a lot of couples do this.

This is like normal.

One of the first things.

Yeah.

Travis.

Well, actually, I did

a movie review

of a movie I liked is the day before I saw First Reform, which is the new Paul Schrader movie.

Paul's here.

Not Paul.

No, no, no.

But it is sort of like a companion to Taxi Driver.

But it's different because the guy doesn't do terrorism because he gets laid at the end.

Hell yeah.

Spoilers.

That's the sorry.

Whoa, yeah, you actually did.

Taxi Driver, he doesn't get laid, and then he goes on a killing spree.

And this movie.

How about a movie called Black Seat Driver?

And instead of a taxi, it's a Blackseat.

Okay, he keeps trying to get you to listen to his mixtape the whole time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trying to sell you little.

Why don't they call it Ubers at?

Blackseed.

Blackseed?

Not all.

Oh, Black Sea out.

Instead of Banksy, Blacksy.

Yeah, it is so funny taking an Uber or a Lyft in a place that's not New York because you're just so adjusted to the names here that it's like

an African guy.

Yeah, your Lyft driver, Richard, will be here in a minute.

Richard?

He's like, how you doing, brother?

It's like, now you got to talk to Richard.

Yeah, exactly.

Just dumb damn speaking.

That shit fucking sucks.

Yeah, when we were in LA, like, every time that week, everyone was trying to talk.

I know.

We were like, well, L.A., it should be like, I feel like everyone's in fucking.

Yeah, you just want to go where you're going.

It's the worst when I'm talking to, like, you're, when I was in Grand Haven, I had the fucking whole conversation about a guy's, like, small business plan.

Yeah.

Well, it's so funny.

It's to realize how many people are named a booba car.

Like, there's a country there where it's like, Senegal.

Name Abuba Car, and and they're like,

okay, yeah, John Bob is your name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, you'd be arrested for giving a fake name to the police.

You ever read the reviews on there?

It's fucking cringe-worthy.

Oh,

of like people like on Uber, you can review your driver, and then you can see that.

Oh, that's nothing but drunk white women.

Yeah, yeah, there's no way anyone is sleeping.

Yeah, yeah.

It's always like Deborah saying, Thank you so much for fucking, you don't even fucking know.

My phone was lost, but you didn't even fucking because I didn't even, my shoes shoes were

shoe blocks because it's

first of all my fucking birthday month

for starters.

It's fucking Virgo season.

Do you know who my dad is?

Did you seriously say that to me?

Did you seriously just say that to me?

No, I don't.

Brian, come back.

I'm getting this man fired.

Damn.

What kind of reviews are you looking at, Adam?

Sometimes there was one I saw which made me want to throw up, which was like, thanks for sharing your culture.

Here's a woman's pussy.

No, she was like, thanks for sharing your culture with us.

Oh, my God.

Which is like, oh, my God.

I love just getting in Abubakar's.

Toyota Shambhar is playing Grabbal like a bongo.

Thanks for telling me about Darfur.

How do you do that?

So I go to Lyft and then I go to what?

You go when you...

I think it's on Uber.

Lyft probably should do it too.

Why not?

It's the same shit.

It's just as bad.

No, they're a rape company.

They rape more.

They raped.

No, no, they did a whole commercial.

It's not raping anymore.

I love it.

No more.

Now it's a three-strike policy on rape.

I love those fool us once.

These commercials that Facebook have.

It's like, yeah, you sold all your data to Chinese terrorists.

You know what?

Facebook is about friendship.

Remember your gay uncle was in a band?

It's really social.

It's crazy that Chechens have your social security number now.

Yeah.

Yeah, the new, the Uber one that's like that, though, we're sorry sorry at is, I guess they replaced the guy who's like raping women who he worked with, like the old CEO, or he was

sexually assaulting or some shit.

And then they hired some Indian dude.

And he's like, this is the new Uber.

Please, I do not know.

No, no.

I am just some Indian man.

I am just a man from India.

I do not have this position.

I am just some Indian dude.

Yeah, they just plucked up a random guy off the street of a hybrid.

In my country, I was the best at shoplifting bananas.

I was not one of the doctors who come here and they have a shit job.

I was a banana shoplifter.

Please do not make me do this job.

Oh, fuck.

Wells Fargo's got a fucking

commercials, too.

Yeah.

What were they doing?

They were like...

They were creating a bunch of fraudulent accounts and just fucking up people's credit.

Jesus Christ, man.

Yeah.

And then it's just no penalties whatsoever.

No one goes to jail.

There's zero fucking accountability.

A bunch of mid-level managers were fired and they were like kind of forced into doing that shit because of like quotas or whatever.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

And then

the federal government will make a display of like, we're really going to stick it to them.

They're getting a $100 fine.

$100,000 fine.

Yeah.

That immediately just gets passed on to the customers.

Of course.

This shit happens all the time.

Like Verizon will just get dinged for deceptive practices or whatever, and then it just shows up on your bill.

It just immediately gets distributed to everyone's bill.

The company doesn't pay for it at all.

What a fucking gay ass system.

Yeah.

This shit sucks dick.

Good thing we're rich, though.

Yeah.

You know, I don't even use Verizon, dude.

We got Secret Podcaster phone company.

That's true.

I do love that Lewis is still on like cricket mobile.

Yeah, yeah.

It's so funny.

Lewis has like Boost Mobile.

Lewis has Nextel i830, and he's told, he still has chirps.

Yeah, dude, it's the best phone.

It's the hottest phone.

Everyone at the bus tells me I'm the hottest.

What were those Next Cell phones that you could just like walkie-talkie?

It was all of them.

Yeah.

That was all of them?

It was with Nextel phones.

It was for like people on construction sites or something, right?

Sort of.

I mean, it was kind of like more of an urban thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Was it?

Yeah.

It was so the government couldn't hear your chirps when you sell drinks.

Well, because the two-way was unlimited, yeah, but I remember black people loved the two-way, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, like, you could like, and then they love screaming at the phone,

they had to ban that on the bus.

What?

The people like chirp, chirp

on Metro bus, they had to like made a no fucking screaming at the phone.

Nah, where you at?

Where you at?

Which was the commercial, though.

That was the boost

commercial.

That rules.

Yeah.

But yeah, the 8.30 was like the hot one, and then the 930 came out, and that was like damn Nextel i930.

What's Nextel up to these days?

They went out of business, they got bought by Sprint.

Yeah, that's right.

They did get bought by Sprint.

Because Nextel used, so there's the

tower technology is like GSM and CDMA.

It was like different competing technology.

Basically, the whole rest of the world uses GSM, which is like the SIM card.

JSEX machine.

Jig sex machine.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's like SIM cards that have a tower technology.

In the US, there was like competing technologies.

There was CDMA, CDMA, GSM, and then some other shit.

Gotcha.

And then eventually towards like Blu-ray and HD discs or something.

Yeah, yeah, sort of.

And then towards the middle of like the last decade, all that was left was like GSM, CDMA, and iDEN.

And Next Cell was like the only iDen network.

And iDAN allowed you to do like the two-way like worldwide fucking church trip.

Worldwide?

Yeah.

You could be talking to some motherfucker in Mumbai Mumbai with me.

I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Where are you at?

I am over here doing rape.

I am on the bus.

Oh, damn.

You can still buy a 930.

Dude, for hundreds of years.

Look how shitty this $100.

Look how shitty this phone is.

Oh, dude, but that was the best.

You gave me that shit when I was in 11th or 9th grade?

That was the hundred years.

Was that stylist, dude?

No, it's not Stylist.

It's Plant of Shell.

No,

there was no internet whatsoever.

I remember when the StarTack phones came out, I thought it was sick.

That was in 1993.

Was it 93?

StarTack phones?

Probably like.

Those flip phones that look like Star Trek?

I always thought that they were just the same as Star Trek.

They came out in the early 90s.

They had them around for a while.

My friend's mom had a Star Tack.

Yeah.

I had a hand-me-down.

Did you ever see your kids?

96.

No.

They had to move to Australia real suddenly because his dad was doing some taxes.

Star Tex.

Oh, those are like shit.

Yeah.

Star Tech suck.

No, Star Tax were good, dude.

They were the the last Tri-Band phone left, if I remember.

Which Tri-Band?

So they have different frequencies that the phones can use on the towers.

And StarTax used all three before one of them got phased out.

So you have a slightly better reception.

Okay.

Yeah, this is now an

antique cell phone.

You know so much about cell phones.

I used to sell this shit.

Yeah.

But still, I feel like a salesman.

I still feel like no one else knew that you were selling.

Like the other fucking, the Bangladeshis.

Of course not.

Do the Peruvian guys I work with

armando

armando armando and this guy who's and he's like a funny guy this big fat

yeah oh those

loser yeah that guy's a fucking loser

who sent you that video of what the guy with down syndrome having sex with that car yeah oh my god that was so funny that was your moment is end dude

Yeah, you were so happy.

This man was fucking a bumper straight up.

He was just fucking the car.

And I love where was his dick going?

I love that he's like the height of the car.

He's not a bend over.

He's just got his fucking like.

It was perfectly aligned.

Yeah, it did look like he was meant to fuck that car.

Yeah, right.

God damn.

That's so fun.

He was just fucking.

And it's like, that doesn't feel good.

Yeah.

Of course not.

Your dick is between metal.

Just a metal bumper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just fucking metal.

I guess, well, and there's a woman in a hijab walking past in the back.

So, you know, it's like Saudi Arabia where women aren't allowed to drive.

Yeah.

So it's so funny imagining like you're a woman, you're banned by the government from touching a vehicle.

And then this mentally retarded man is just having sex with a car in broad daylight.

My favorite is when the guy.

And like the only emotion you can summon is like, thank God he's not raping me, which he's allowed to do.

Yeah.

Thank God he's just fucking that car that I'm not allowed to touch.

Don't try and teach him to read.

I saw a guy fucking outside in DC in an alley and

a woman like over a hood of a car.

Nice.

And I turned around and looked and he's like, can I get some fucking privacy, dude?

I was like, yeah, absolutely.

Go for it, dude.

She didn't seem like it was.

It seems like it was consensual.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although, I don't know what I would have done.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You saw a man raping a woman.

You don't know what you would have done.

You would have been like, nice.

I would have called someone or you wouldn't have just stopped that from happening.

Of course, I would have.

I don't know what I would have done.

I don't know.

Like, do I have to punch him?

Yes, absolutely.

If you see a fucking man raping, shout out in public.

You go fucking beat the shit out of me.

So that was like, honestly, like, legitimately, that is why I was looking.

Because, like, I saw two people having sex at first, and I looked again.

I was like, oh,

to make sure, to know if you walk away or fleet, run, scared.

I was wearing flip-flops.

I don't know what I would have.

Dear God.

I don't know what you're supposed to.

Do I throw a rock at his head?

Don't fucking stop it immediately.

So you throw it out.

Do something.

Don't let somebody rape somebody in a different alley.

I wasn't going to let him, but my first thought was that I was wearing flip-flops.

And I was like, I don't know how

to combat.

You know, she's

officer.

I'm sorry.

My feet, they would bear

that girl's like in her victim support group.

And they're like, and some guy came by, but unfortunately he was wearing flip-flops.

So I understood why he just walked away and did nothing while I was being raped in an alley.

I'm just saying, I didn't hear that.

He had the wrong.

Those weren't stopping rape shoes, obviously.

He wasn't wearing a nice rape-stoppy shoe like a New Balance or a Converse.

He had flip-flops.

Can you blame him?

In a lot of ways, he was raped also.

I was the victim.

The arches of his feet were getting raped.

Thank you.

No.

We're both victims, me and that man.

I wish I could meet him so I could thank him and maybe ask him out.

She thought it was cute for sure.

No, I just didn't know what.

Holy shit, what my attacker?

No, I don't know how I would have put.

Do I get a pipe?

Do I yell raised?

There's fucking pants around his ankle.

He was a matter of music.

So you can't pants him.

Exactly.

No, you put a thumb in his ass.

Exactly, like when my dog was fighting.

I put a stick in his ass.

That's right.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was pretty good, Adam.

I gotta say that.

Well, I didn't mean it that way, but I'm glad I provided enough

inspiration for,

you know, I know what my role is in this.

Yeah, that's why you wouldn't stop a rape.

I didn't say I wasn't gonna stop a rape.

I just said I don't know what I would do.

You're like, ma'am, I'm sorry.

In four years, I'm gonna be on a podcast, and

we need two and a half minutes out of this.

So,

yeah, I would have fucking killed him.

I would have beheaded him on the spot with my samurai sword.

Yeah, but legitimately, that woman was getting raped.

So,

just

no, just playing, though.

Um,

JP, remember, JP is just playing McDade?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn.

Sorry, I'm reading 10-year-old phone reviews now.

Like, every time we got this world, what was so you think

the Next Hill 9-11 or whatever was the best one?

Uh, the 9-30, that was just the one I remember being the big one.

Because

it was the

pre-smartphone.

What was the best phone?

Pre-smartphone?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I guess the Razor was probably a hot phone.

I mean, it was hot.

That was the best selling.

Sidekick, T-Mobile, Sidekick.

Yes, those were my fucking shit.

Is Nokia out of business too?

Nokia is not out of business.

No, they're still in the mix.

They even made a smartphone recently, remember?

Did they?

They made a big deal of it.

It was

a good camera and shit.

I mean, it didn't work, but

I think they made like a bunch of.

It was like customizable or some shit.

Or maybe I'm confusing, but yeah.

I don't fucking care.

Fuck.

Yeah, I mean, the big thing was like those phones that had those like heavy as shit cameras on them.

Remember that?

No.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The LG did have the sidekick did have the big, a pretty big camera, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But it wasn't like a good camera.

Blackberries were hot.

People used to.

Blackberries for sure.

Blackberry Pearl was real popular.

Eldest had one of those.

Pearl?

Yeah.

And he lost the ball.

It was a little ball, so he just couldn't really use it.

Yeah.

Was that on the storm that came after that?

I don't remember.

Yeah.

You could talk to girls that had other Blackberries on BBN.

Blackberry Messenger.

PBN.

Yeah.

BBC, like a little dark clit.

You know what I'm saying?

A little dark-ass clit.

Where them little dark-ass clit girls.

Where the dark clits at?

You up in the club.

I see your dark little clit.

I need that

black hole type clit.

It disappears in that bitch.

Clip.

Right.

Yo, clerk.

Damn, where your clerk at?

Where your clerk at?

Chirp, chirp.

Let me see your clerk.

Show me that clerk, right.

Yilp.

Yes, the hottest G-Funk track.

Clerp, clerp.

Let me see your clerk.

Clerk, clerk.

Clerp, clerp, chip, clerp.

Like, yeah, Marcus, this ain't even language anymore.

You've become too west coast.

My dirt got real horror.

My dick gird hoard.

Hoard at clerk.

Dirk ass clerk.

Have you seen Fruit Vale Station?

I haven't.

No.

The police killing.

I know how it ends, so I didn't want to

Oakland.

Maybe I should watch Fruit Vale Station on 4K UHD Blu-ray.

You can do that?

I think it's on.

I think that is one of the cool.

Well, Michael B.

Jordan does like an East Bay accent

where he goes like, hoard.

He's like, she's a real horde out here.

It's horrid.

Yeah.

My penis is horrid.

Yeah, Britt.

My penis has become too hard.

My penis is getting horrid.

My dick is too hard.

And when I saw how hoard my penis become,

I knew I was going to cry.

My mama told me my dick ain't supposed to get that whore.

And I praise the Lord every day that my dick got unhoard from that.

Because your dick could get too hard.

Where was this?

What's the content?

I don't know.

It's a guy from Oakland.

It's a guy from Oakland whose dick has gotten too hard.

My mama's crying and praying for me,

saying, baby, please make your dick not that hoard.

And I said, Mama, I'm trying, mama.

Damn.

Yeah.

Look at this advertisement for a Motorola phone.

They chose that image.

That's a nice little fat kid with

Stavros.

I was way cuter than

the copsicle.

No, fuck you, dude.

I was a cute-ass kid.

Were you?

I peaked as a baby, dude.

I was cute as fuck.

You're still a baby in the world.

No, I was.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes.

I'm a grandmain.

Damn.

So what else has happened?

I feel like it's been a slow couple of days.

I feel like we've been having last episode.

I've been record a shit ton of episodes.

Whatever this new schedule we're doing, it feels like we're doing episodes every day.

Well, no, it just feels like we're doing them well before they come out.

So it doesn't.

Previously, we were doing it.

You know what it is?

Because we do the episode, and then when I upload it, I have to.

In my mind, I'm doing a podcast.

So I'm spending way more time on the podcast than I'd like to, which is now four hours a week instead of three precious two hours.

Cut it down to

enough free time to go to the library.

Enough free time to place a couple of bets.

Yeah, that much.

We have a website called betdsi.com.

Online.

You can place bets on what DSI stands for.

Nobody has any fucking idea because there's some weird German company, I think.

Who knows?

But I'll tell you who knows, they do.

And you can go ask them by going to their website.

I'm sure it's on there because they've been around for 20 years with a

pretty solid track record of paying people out on time.

That's right.

You play, bet, win.

They got an easy-to-use mobile betting interface.

It's an app you download on your phone.

It makes betting fun and simple.

They offer live in-game wagering.

So you can make bets as the game's going on.

It's not just sitting there waiting to lose money.

You can actively find new ways to lose money.

I've used it myself a couple of times.

I'm not going to disclose what I bet on because a lot of it is private and personal.

You guys, you got some.

I mean, a lot of people have been praising Savanai for predicting that the triple crown,

that horse would win the triple crown, which is something I've been saying for months.

Yeah, yeah.

Shouting it from the rooftop.

Raped Beth was the name of the horse.

Raped Beth.

Yeah, she was running

past.

And it's raped Beth in the front.

Raped Beth by a leg.

It's actually a boy horse.

Real unfortunate name.

What's coming up?

So then we got the World Cup coming up.

Ooh.

So you know I'm going Tim Iran.

Nigeria, baby.

Nigeria, every time.

On the Golden Eagles.

Nigeria's

new uniforms, the Super Eagles.

That's such a good name.

Their new uniforms are so sick.

And they sold out in like five minutes online.

I really want to get one of their home jerseys.

Anyway.

So bet on whether Adam will be able to get one.

I would make them in girls.

So we're going to go.

We're going to be betting.

You know I'm going to go.

On betsi.com.

Bet dsi.

On betsi.com.

You know I'm going Iran

or Saudi Arabia, who's also in the world.

How about Laudi Arabia?

You know what I'm talking about?

Smoke that lounge.

You come here, bitch.

We'll get you fucking smoked up.

Can't drink alcohol.

You can't drive.

You can't be retarded.

You can fuck a car.

Yep.

Laudi Arabia.

That's right.

Laudi Arabia.

Getting fucked up and fucking the core.

It's the Oakland in the Middle East.

We're here live in Oakland, Saudi Arabia.

And

we have endurance syndrome and fucking the core.

Just listen to vocorder music.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you know me.

I'm a coward.

I can't take a side, so I'm going SUNY and Shiite in this World Cup.

You're betting for both.

I'm betting.

I'm taking both.

I'm betting.

I'm betsi.com.

Yeah.

What promo code should people use to what's it?

Yeah, come C-U-M-25.

Capital C, lowercase U-M, 2-5.

And you get 25.

You get 20.

Plus a 200%

deposit match on your deposit, bonus on your deposit.

So go ahead and check it out, betthsi.com.

Play, bet, win, do it.

Spend that money.

You know,

they listen to these, they listen to these

endorsements.

Spend that motherfucking money.

So if you don't fucking do it, guess who gets an angry email from some guy that Lewis is friends with?

That doesn't sound like the kind of guy you want to email.

Yeah.

He just learned how to email.

From some guy that Lewis knows from jail.

He's punching a computer.

That would be a funny.

Yeah, he just has, instead of keyboards, it's a punching bag, and each different spots represent a different letter.

That would be cool.

That would be fucking tight, dude.

I would play Mavis Beacon again.

Remember that shit?

Wasn't that like the typing?

Yeah.

Like they taught you how to do it.

Yeah, but now it's a

punching bag.

Mavis Beacon.

I have no idea what that is.

You never played that little game it's supposed to teach you how to type.

I think I just learned how to type.

I don't remember a game teaching me how to type.

In school, did they have those?

No.

Really?

No, I remember.

In sixth grade, we had typing class.

My mom had a typewriter and I learned how to type on

old school.

Yeah, yeah, damn, Williamsburg.

Those weird fucked-ups.

No, no, no.

It was an electronic typewriter.

So you put a floppy disk in it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, is that like what

was a word processor?

It was fucking weird.

Do you remember this?

Yeah.

Like, they weren't computers, but they weren't typewriters.

Yeah, well, yeah, it's just, it was basically like it's a typewriter.

You could print on it, and then it had like an LED display, and it would show you just like the line you just

make corrections.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

And then you can save it to like a floppy disk file.

That's pretty fun.

I remember doing homework on that thing.

Damn, nice.

I think it's buzzing again.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay, man.

That's why I'm all the ones in motherfucking twos.

Yeah, dude, I used to fuck around with Mavis Beacon.

That shit was fun.

Math Blaster.

Yep.

Oh, Math Blaster rules.

Oregon Trail.

Fuck, I love Math Blaster.

I like my game too.

Educational.

Science Blaster, maybe?

I think there was a.

It was in the Math Blaster family.

It's like

you have sort of a superhero, but kind of a little dickhead one.

Yeah, Nick, any big E3 announcements you've been

going on?

Is it E3 right now?

It's E3 right now.

Stop's the gamer.

I didn't realize Fortnite.

Stav's free.

Yeah.

Oh, I should have been playing Fortnite this whole time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought I had to go to the store and purchase it.

No, it's free.

Some guy has yelled at me at the fucking stand.

I was talking to Momro.

No, no.

I was talking to Monroe, and I was like, yeah, I was thinking about going and buying got award, and the guy was like, let me ask you something.

And he's like, do you, what's what platform do you play?

And Monroe's immediately like, Oh, he works for PlayStation, you know.

And so, and then this guy's like, He's like, Why don't you just download them?

Like, because then you can't sell them afterwards, it costs the same exact amount, and you get less.

And he's like, You don't have to go to the store.

I'm like, You can't sell them afterwards.

You don't have to go to the store, it takes up the same amount of space on the PlayStation, you can't sell them afterwards.

You can just download them onto the, you don't have to go anywhere, you can't sell them.

What's his angle?

Like, what does he have to say?

It's clearly better for PlayStation, it's better for PlayStation because then they just continue to make money off new game sales, and then they don't have have to print the fucking.

Was it a Japanese guy speaking in AAVE to you?

No, it was the opposite.

Was a black guy talking like a Japanese person?

Why do you not

buy it?

Download it.

It's a little bit of a ghost dog.

Oh, okay.

Oh, of course.

I mean, that's exactly who works for PlayStation.

Yeah, yeah, he's the anime.

He's a bunch of black anime.

He's a bunch of ghost dogs.

Bunch and ghost dogs.

I don't know why I haven't been calling those guys that for the last 25 years.

That's honestly the best, most succinct description.

Motherfucking ghost dog.

But apparently they're changing some game.

I don't fucking know.

No, okay, so you tried to make fun of me.

I didn't even know it was E3.

Why don't you go ahead and tell me what

JS gaming homework is?

They're changing one of the game.

I'm sorry, I was doing man shit.

They're changing one of the games to be Battle Royale format, and people are...

What is Battle Royale?

It's like Fortnite.

That's what Fortnite is.

So

everyone fights until there's one guy left.

Yeah, but there's no lives.

It's like you just die.

You die, and then you wait for the next game.

I see, I like Team Deathmatch more than anything.

Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah.

Team Deathmatch is fun.

I've been getting back into Battlefield 1.

I would play Halo back in the day.

That shit was fun.

I guess I should probably get Battlefield 5.

I still got to get God of War.

Yeah, there's a new one, right?

Yeah.

Motherfucking Kratos, right?

Yeah.

Dude, the first two God of War games were so fucking good.

Man,

is it a story game?

Some games are so good, I think back to them, and it makes me want to smoke weed.

That's how I'm like,

like Mass Effect.

I didn't play the new Mass Effect either.

That first Mass Effect was amazing.

Never played what is that, like spaceships?

Yeah, it's space.

Space.

Yeah, the plot is like you're this, like, I mean, it's like sort of a it's all like open-ended in the decisions you make in the game.

Like, oh, nice.

Oh, that's the one where you can fuck too, right?

You can fuck in it, yeah.

The spaceships, you can fuck the spaceships.

Like that guy fucking the car.

Yeah, you can buy.

Yeah, your character has Down syndrome.

Do you proceed?

Excellent choice, Commander.

Thank you very much.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

And it's like all this cool, like, John Carpenter music the whole time.

Oh, cool.

Down's effect would be a good game.

Do you shoot guns and shit?

Yeah, you have guns and magic and shit.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, it's a cool game.

I love it.

I don't think I can go back to that.

I think somebody described it as a space opera, which I think sounds kind of gay.

Yeah, it is gay, but you get high and just look at space.

I mean, yeah, that sounds cool, bro.

Yeah, dude.

I fucking

play the first Mass Effect.

I might play that shit.

I don't know if Andromeda is good or not, but the First Mass Effect was like.

I'll play that shit.

I played that.

Catch me Twitch streaming Mass Effect soon, guys.

Twitch.tv.

Yeah, they probably have some sort of remastered collection.

It's all three of the first games.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, I think Mass Effect 2 I played through most of.

3 I never played, and then Andromeda I haven't played yet either.

Are these online games or story?

No, they're all, yeah.

Mass Effect was like mostly offline.

I mean, there might have have been online elements, but it was like it was like a hundred hours of gameplay.

I played Uncharted when Ari gave me his PS4 a couple months ago, and I like did not jack off for four days.

I just like played like 20 hours a day.

That's the thing, man.

They were

like, there's all these good games that came out in the last 10, 15 years that I just didn't play.

It's amazing.

The cutscenes are so good nowadays.

I haven't played games.

I played the first Uncharted because they have some collection.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So I played the first one.

I guess I played four or something.

You said that.

I said that already.

Yeah, I said

you just said it, though.

Yeah, but I said it months ago.

Nah, but I just said it.

I don't give a fuck.

It's cool, dude.

You're like fucking Indiana Jones and shit, and it looks like a movie.

And it's like, I would check my

watch and think it was like 10 p.m.

and it was like 4:30 a.m.

So you just like climb walls and shit?

That was my one complaint.

I played through Uncharted puzzles.

And it's like the puzzles are too easy.

The game is not

difficult in any way.

I mean, it's like fun, I guess.

But it's like barely any more fun than Lego Indiana Jones was.

Well, you just keep Lego Indiana Jones was one of the best games I've ever played.

I used to get just debilitated at my fucking call center job and they let me work from home.

I would like start drinking at 10 a.m.

Hell yes, dude.

The highest shit.

Yes.

And then just sit there and play Lego Indiana Jones while like troubleshooting old people fully problems.

What a fucking non-hat.

I played the person you must have been to get.

The email still isn't working.

I'm like, what do you gotta?

Oh, the lock is on the other side.

Huh?

No, you know what?

We're going to go ahead and just restart your computer again.

The fourth time I want to do it.

Yeah, they put it in the code.

It takes four restarts to reboot the whole mainframe.

Oh, hell yeah.

Nice.

I got the.

Oh, nothing.

There's like this Mowgli kid that helps you.

And I thought he was dead, but

he's back.

No, it has nothing to do with your computer.

You're a hair of Lego Indiana Jones.

It's Indiana Jones, Jones, but it's like it's a little Lego guy.

It's great.

You can't die.

I am so high right now.

Did anybody ever ask you if you were on drugs or drunk?

No, people would be like, Are you okay?

Or

are you still there?

Are you still there?

Because I would like just pass out.

God damn, that fucking rules.

Yeah.

No, it was funny too because I remember when I started working at home, I was like, now I can go to bed whenever the fuck I want because I don't have to go into work.

and then like the first day I try I stayed up like just getting obliterated till like 345 in the morning and then I was like on the phones at six Jesus and so like I like you know my alarm goes off and I just like drag the headset onto my head and I'm like lying in bed and I log in the calls come in I'm like nah

I can't

I can't speak

God damn, it's so funny they didn't fire you.

They didn't fire anybody at that place.

They were so desperate.

The turnover rate was so astronomically high because it is the worst job in the entire world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to have the same conversation over and over again, trying to solve a very simple problem, but it's through

the hands and eyes of an incompetent person.

Right, right, right.

So, I mean, it is like torture in a way.

Yeah.

Imagine if you had to like speak, but everything was delayed by 30 minutes.

Damn.

And you had to account for that.

That would suck.

That's what it felt like.

How much did it pay?

Well, it topped out at $11 an hour, which not, you know, working from home, and then it's also Texas, and there's no income tax.

Ooh, hell yeah.

So state income tax.

There's no state income tax.

So, I mean, I made pretty good money there towards the end.

And then I was like living with Cuba, so my rent was like $320 a month.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, $3.20 a month.

And the bills were pretty cheap.

And then, you know, my paycheck was probably like $750 every two weeks or whatever.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, whatever fuck it is.

It was a fun life, bro.

Yeah, I mean I saved up like a pretty significant amount of money before moving to LA

when I lived in Austin just from doing that job.

Because I wouldn't even,

you know, my roommate would be like months late on rent and then just get like a check.

Yeah, yeah.

And then he would hand me cash for all his back rent and I would just put that in like my drawer and not

even the bank.

I just, you know, I had like thousands of dollars in like back rent and shit.

IRS didn't have to know about.

I mean, it's like I'm not writing off my rental money.

The IRS don't even got to know, baby.

Well, they wouldn't.

The IRS has no clue.

Doesn't benefit.

It's not income.

No motherfucking idea.

The guy thinks he's cheating the government, but he just doesn't.

He's not dimming anything.

Yeah, I tell them my whole income, they don't even got to know about the deductions.

Yeah, the guy IRS got no idea what I've been spending, my business expenses.

That's how they get you, baby.

Yeah.

$200,000, zero deductions.

Yeah, I paid $140,000 to get income tax message.

They ain't tracking me, though.

I'm off the fucking grid.

I'm off the grid, paying $682,000 in income tax vessel.

But they ain't got to know.

You ever see that

Riddler guy, but with like money on his hands?

Yes, of course.

He's Matthew Lesko.

Yeah, he lived in DC.

Yeah, you see him driving around.

He had a car

with the crest.

Yeah,

yeah.

What was his whole thing about getting money for free or something?

Yeah, something like that.

I don't know.

I remember the infomercials.

Yeah.

There's no way that's real.

I mean, he afforded the suit.

Yeah, he got the suit.

That's custom.

That's custom.

Steve Harvey's suit.

I don't know, man.

Made Steve Harvey jealous.

He's from Bethesda, I think.

Yeah.

Matthew Lesko.

Yeah.

What does he do?

I don't remember what this is.

Is it?

I think it's you get money from government programs that people don't know exist.

Yeah, I know, but I don't know.

Damn, I need to eat.

I need nutrients in my body.

I'm hungry, too.

It's called welfare.

You're right.

I was going to call you out on it, but I wasn't sure.

It's question marks.

It's not dollar signs.

Oh, he literally wears a Riddler suit.

I thought it was dollar signs.

No, it's question marks.

You're right.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was pretty sure it was question marks.

Wow.

Well, this one really petered out.

This episode really is just about Adam.

Yeah, but that's good enough, man.

You got something that good.

You could take the rest of the episode off.

I just want to clarify that I would have helped the woman.

I just didn't know what

form of combat.

Work two hours a week.

It's fair that we take a break.

I mean, when Adam says he doesn't know, no, this is important.

You're right.

No, I didn't

say that.

To clarify, I did not say that I wouldn't have stopped the rape.

I said that I don't know

what form of action I would would have taken.

Wrong.

Dude, the thing is, I'm just nutrient-depleted because I got jacked as fuck today.

Why are you just doing arms?

Why don't you do titty and smallening

exercises?

I do titties too, man.

You can't and smallen

with

lifting weights, bro.

You just make

a bigger, dude.

Did you go back to the gym since I took you there and showed you how to lift weights?

I have not been back since that day.

No.

I felt bad for you.

You should have seen the way that old woman was looking at you.

Oh, okay.

You know, we don't have to feel like

can keep some things private.

What?

There's an old woman?

There's a lot of things about me that we don't keep private on the show, but this is something that I prefer.

Okay, I'm just going to say something.

No, I mean, look, I'm your friend, I can't.

I hope you're not going to be able to do that.

You need people to know what I max out at.

I was not going to say anything.

Okay, well, and that old lady was impressed by me.

She said, you're making a change.

And I can see that

she wants to use the same weights as you.

There was this thing, like, someone made fun of someone in a gym online recently, and a bunch of bodybuilders are like, it's whack to make fun of someone making a change in their it is, yeah, yeah, it is, it absolutely is.

It is what's because you know who does that kind of shit?

It's like people that have been like working out for six months that have made one minor change and they're not going to continue with it.

Yeah, I mean, it's fucking stupid.

If you're like trying to shame somebody because they're what, two weeks behind you on starting strength or some bullshit, you're a fucking asshole.

And you're probably not going to continue to go to the gym because whatever like issue makes you hate yourself that you have to like, you know, shame a retarded man fucking the car.

Shame some poor disabled man who just wants to have sex with vehicles.

We're not shaming him, we're celebrating him.

I am celebrating him.

He's probably the freest man in Saudi Arabia.

What if that's what's going on?

Imagine you live in, like, I mean, there's so many funny things about that.

Yeah.

To be like, if that's your car and you're

walking, yeah.

Yeah.

You're coming out of bed and it's clearly not his car.

He's not driving that.

Of course it's not his car.

That's what Nick's saying.

Okay.

Because that's a situation where it's like, I don't know what I would do.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

Not somebody being raped.

If I walked out and a retarded man was having somebody.

I know exactly what I would do.

Really, that's like one of those questions a blade runner would ask you.

No, you leave him alone.

I don't know.

You leave the Chipotle.

A mentally retarded man has his pants down and he's fucking the hood of your car.

I kill him.

Do you ever see a guy jacking off on the train?

Never.

Never?

No.

I've never seen it here, but I saw it in DC.

Wait, wait, hold on, though.

I do want to figure out what do we do?

You let him finish.

It's a crazy thing.

You let him come on your car.

Probably just get in the car and start it and slowly put it in reverse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just pull it away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just don't say.

Try to back out of that part of the car.

What if you burn his cock,

the engine gets hot?

Yeah.

And now are you liable for his cockpit?

I don't know.

What do you do?

Shoe him?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shoot him.

You get a rolled-up newspaper.

Go on, shoot, shoot him.

Get out of here.

If he comes, you put his nose in it.

I tell you, that's what I hate about first days of summer.

You come outside and retard boyfriend the truck every goddamn year.

I was down at the O'Reilly Auto Parks picking up some turtle wax for my Chevrolet.

I come out.

Lo and behold, some boy with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Got a fucking 14 and a half inch pecker jammed right up in the grill.

Smegmut.

I don't even know how that's going to feel good for him.

The goddamn thing's got to be 115 degrees.

It's covered in bird shit.

I mean, I know he's retarded, but nobody's that retarded.

Friends.

You never know what he likes.

You never know what he likes, Kyle.

It's so funny, too, because you see that and you're like, oh, that's why we used to just kill these people.

Because, I mean, that's what happens if

you don't have special education.

They just wander around in Adidas shorts, fucking people's cars.

Yeah.

They probably fucked a lot of things that were weird, like in fucking

tribal days.

Yeah, exactly.

Imagine you're like, you know, in like the fucking medieval times, one of those guys is just fucking the public gallows.

And they're like, we have to kill people in that later.

We got to just put this guy out in the woods.

You think of the people who are going to be able to do that?

No, no, they were accepted members of the community.

The idiot.

The village idiot.

They were part of the town.

They were just like, that's the retard.

If you were in the gallows, did you get your ass fucked while you were in the gallows?

By the village idiot.

By the village idiot.

That's when they paid him.

I think you mean the stocks.

The stocks, yeah.

The gallows is a bit of a paper.

If you're pilloried, yeah, did you get your ass fucked?

Maybe.

Yeah.

Damn, I bet you you did.

That sucks.

By old.

Getting buggered by the British.

You're getting buggered.

Buggered out big time.

Yeah.

I mean, I just, I still, I keep thinking back to that video.

Yeah.

And he has a cell phone, too.

He's looking at porn, probably, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, my favorite is the look on his eyes when he's discovered because he's not.

I don't think there was shame.

I think it was like he's annoyed that someone is fucking interrupting him.

Yeah.

You know,

he doesn't even look annoyed.

He's just like matter of factly, like, oh, somebody's looking at him.

Yeah, yeah.

Because, you know, when people probably look at him like that all the time because he's disabled and he probably gets mocked.

He doesn't like, he's like, oh boy, somebody's giving me a hard time about my disability again.

That's the look on his face.

Like, oh, great.

Is this guy going to make fun of me for no reason?

God damn.

Yeah, that is truly a precious fucking video, though.

Yeah, it was funny this morning when you text us and you're like, I'm fucking pissed off.

I'm in a bad mood.

I got to go watch that video.

I mean, it was the best.

I woke up to that and it was beautiful.

Yeah.

I saw it yesterday.

Fuck, dude.

I sent it to everyone I know last night.

Like everyone.

You were over here when you saw it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Were you guys up to?

Speaking of, if you're the guy that sent that to me, go ahead and post it on the subreddit.

I think the full video is the full video is on Live Leak.

Is that, oh, it's a live leak video?

There's a full vid the guy took.

No.

There's a fuller vid?

Yeah.

So I sent it to Karen, and Karen was like, did you film this?

Yeah, because it's like a file.

You said it has like a video for a text or whatever.

Right.

Yeah,

I took this video.

It was in Williamsburg.

You know how hipsters are.

I wouldn't be surprised if I saw some retarded

hosseed kid fucking something, though.

I really wouldn't.

Well, I think they fuck each other.

And they get diddled.

Definitely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah, that whole community screams molestation.

Oh, yeah.

They're so like private, you know?

Yeah.

Some of the fucking kids.

Yeah.

Oh, for sure.

But I mean, like.

They have their own cops and their own firefighters.

That's so funny.

Police force.

They'll deal with the colours.

And it's also like that in Boston, too.

Yeah.

They have their own cops.

Yeah.

And schools.

Very, very much a molesting.

Yeah.

Boston Public.

Boston Public.

Oh, yeah.

You remember that show?

Yeah.

William Shatner, right?

Nope.

No, that was Boston Legal.

Boston Legal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One of the Bostons.

Boston Public was

not Chi McBride.

The other guy that's like him.

Maybe it was Chi McBride.

It was that bald black guy.

I think it's Chi McBride.

Is that his name?

I confused Chi McBride and Malik Yoba, who was on New York Undercover.

Chee McBride, Jerry Ryan, Anthony Healed.

Yep.

Who else was on that show?

Jerry Ryan was married to an Illinois congressman or governor.

Yeah, we just got a divorce because he was taking her to sex clubs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's so hot.

She was

so fucking hot, too.

She's so hot.

Back in the day.

She made off so much to her.

Goddamn, dude.

Just picture her where you can see her nipples through a shirt.

I could probably crank it off right now to one of those.

Let's just do it.

Because when you're in elementary school, she has the world's biggest hits.

Oh, yeah.

Which are now, as a grown man, dog shit.

Yeah.

Oh, come on.

Half the size of the snow.

But you got to be packing some

Hindenburg.

Double H's.

You know, the average bra size in America is 34 double D?

Average?

Average titty size in the age.

There's like a lot of fattest shit.

I guess, yeah.

That throws it off.

Yeah.

So you have Stav to thank for that.

We need to ask.

It's like a lot of moms that can't even reach the steering wheel.

They just drive with their tits.

Let's see.

Jerry Ryan.

Yeah.

I bet she's fat as shit.

I mean, how old is she now?

Probably a million years old.

I'll marry her right now.

Jerry, if you're listening.

Yeah.

I'm going to look at her.

I mean, I'll have sex with her for old time's sake.

I'll make that clear as it's happening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen to me, you sharp bitch.

You sharp ass bitch.

Yeah, look how fucking hot she was, dude.

Oh, good God.

Mama Mia.

Jerry, let me get a whole bunch of people.

Now, this is the part of the podcast where we just look at female celebrities from 1995 and then react.

I guess you just turn into like one of these middle-aged guys.

It's like, God, what a beautiful woman that is.

This guy's like, you're like humiliated by as a teenager.

Yeah.

This is definitely something.

You know who I've, oh, that Raquel Welsh.

Yeah, dude.

I don't mind being one of those guys too.

I want to Who were the girls of that era?

We are those guys.

I want to be young forever.

We're old.

Live fast, die young.

I can't believe I'm turning 30.

I was supposed to be dead by now, dude.

A guy's penis.

No, you're going to make it, dude.

I'm not.

A guy's penis.

I want to suck.

A guy's penis.

You know what we should do?

We should rape Jeremy.

No, no.

Okay.

We should get it.

I thought I was just going along with the boys.

I don't want to say this on.

Maybe I shouldn't say it on the pod.

Maybe I should just talk to Stop about this.

Okay.

no, it's too late.

You got to say it now.

I think we should get you that hot air balloon ride, buddy, for your 30th birthday.

That is good.

Damn.

I would still smash Jerry.

Bringing her to sex clubs, huh?

Damn.

How much would you want to bend in that fucking sex club?

She's just fucking so uncomfortable.

Stop, give us a little hypothetical about the sex club.

If I'm in that damn sex club, number one, I'm pulling out the fucking hoggaroo.

That's step one.

Fully clothed, pull my cock out.

It's soft.

Through the zipper.

Fedora.

It's soft.

Too small fedora.

Little fedora on my head and showed exposed.

Dressed like a Puerto Rican cab driver.

Peanut side.

What you say, you want puppy?

Like, yeah, I talk like that.

I do when I'm in this club.

You know I talk like this.

So, yeah, so he's shaking his hand.

We're shaking hands.

Hi.

I'm whatever.

I'm.

I'm whatever.

Congressman.

I'm Congressman Bill Ryan.

I'm Congressman Stavresa.

That was close to a Tatoro.

Maybe I can do Taturo if I can work back from Jesus.

Oh, yeah, from the bowling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do it?

I'll work on that.

I don't know.

It was just that.

Don't mess it with the Jesus.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dude.

Maybe I could work back from...

No, I can't.

I don't know.

To Barton Fink?

To Barton Fink from there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Figure it out.

Yeah, so they're introducing me.

I have my dick out.

I found out I could do the old guy from Big Lebowski.

Oh, yeah, the wheelchair.

Yeah.

The other Lebowski.

I'm supposed to suck your dick, Mr.

Lebowski.

That guy wasn't Lebowski?

No, his name is also Lebowski.

That's why they come up with me.

Every time somebody's dick gets sucked in this fair city,

bro, I'm supposed to suck your dick.

Was that guy in any other movies?

Probably.

He was

in training day.

He was the guy, the cop that's leading Ethan Hawk.

Ethan Hawk.

No, no, the guy training Ethan Hawk.

Isn't that the guy?

Denzel Washington.

Oh, you're right.

It's Denzel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I always

fucking mix those those guy.

The fat wheelchair guy, Lebowski.

And Denzel, yeah.

He was great in fences, that guy.

This guy's a spinal dude.

Spinal tap.

This guy's a gold bricker.

I wish I could do an impression of everybody.

That would be awesome.

That's a super powerful.

Some people can do that.

Some people can.

Name one person.

Frank Caliendo.

Frank Caliendo, right?

You're right.

Man of a thousand voices.

I'm sorry.

It sucks because if you get really good at impressions, you don't have to write jokes anymore.

Yeah.

Which is really all any comedian wants, is to not have to write write jokes.

It's just be like, well, I got to do an hour.

Like, oh, who likes Ray Romano?

Here I come.

You know, oh, Dubra.

Yeah, that's all you got to do.

If it's good enough, show me your fucking pussy.

That's good.

Keep doing that.

Keep going.

Who remembers Stephen Collins from Seventh Heaven?

You just do that big pedophile hour.

Dad.

All the famous pedophiles.

Are you accusing Ray Romano of pedophilia right now?

On the record.

Everybody loves Ray except the kids.

The child actors that play his sons and daughters.

Nobody's going to believe you.

Nobody's going to believe this happened.

You can fucking cry all you want.

Nobody's going to believe it.

What's the show?

Whose name is on the show?

Hey, look, look.

If I'm not all the way hard, you're not getting in the fucking movie.

It's hard.

If I bust before I'm all the way hard, you bet your ass.

You're going to be in a fucking dumpster in Los Felix in two hours.

I'm going to slit your fucking throat and dump you behind a Chinese restaurant, you fucking prick.

Get my dick card.

Don't make me cum soft.

Don't make me fucking cum soft.

That's it.

Hell yeah, dude.

Threatening pedophile Ray Ramana.

Oh, I don't know, Raymond.

Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, I don't have to.

I never sucked dick before.

Listen to me, you fucking idiot.

I got 15 guys who can play my brother.

Get my fucking dickhard right now.

Oh, okay, Raymond.

You've got to love that guy.

He's tearfully recounting that story in the future.

Franklin

Club.

Frank Caliendo doing that

in a general with NBC.

And he's like, so that's the show.

Just like an hour later.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone's terrified.

Yeah, yeah.

Boom, I'm John Madden, and I'm getting my dick sucked by Ray Ram.

That's good.

I would pay so much money for that.

Caliando was on Mad TV.

He was towards the end.

But that kind of launched him, though, isn't it?

It did.

And then he had Frank TV after that.

Yeah.

Oh, Frank TV.

With the friend of the show, Mike McRae was on.

Ah.

You guys fuck with Mike?

You know Mike?

I don't think I know Mike.

Mike's very funny.

Very talented impressionist, also.

Nice.

He's the one that does that Michael Douglas joke.

Oh, did you, did you fuck my wife or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know that joke.

He does this impression of Michael Douglas or whatever.

I don't want to just do his baseball.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look it up, folks.

Mike McRae.

Joke about it.

It's a good baseball name.

Is it?

Does he play baseball?

Sounds like a bitch.

He doesn't, bitch.

He doesn't play baseball.

I'm calorie deficient.

I'm nutrient deficient.

Yeah, me salmon.

But I've been eating like pastries all day long.

I'm hungry.

I got to put together some kind of gym plan.

I've had so many fucking goddamn chores.

I know.

I've been able to go to the gym, been chored up.

Yeah,

once this.

I'll go back.

Once I get a fucking couch, I'm done making those speaker stands and those bookshelves.

I'll be able to

lift.

Go back to lift weights, Twitch streaming, really put more effort into this fucking show so I'm not coming here tired because I've been uprooting comic books all night.

Is that what you've been doing?

No, I've never read a comic book.

Other than Spawn, I've never read a comic book.

And disappointed to reread Spawn and find out that it's complete shit.

Really?

Yeah, because I probably read it when you were 13, right?

Younger than that.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I was like probably eight.

Is he black in the comic?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

I only saw the show.

Oh, the HBO show?

Yeah.

There was an HBO

show?

Yeah.

The HBO show.

I saw the movie.

I saw the movie in New Orleans.

I used to be really into the HBO Friday Night Line.

The HBO show starts off with

Todd McFarlane, and he's like drawing spawn in this

warehouse.

He's wearing a fucking mask suit.

And he's like, zooms in.

He's like, stop for a second.

You've just been killed.

Boom.

Your whole life flashes before your eyes.

You got one second to make a choice.

Do you do the choice?

Or do you not do the choice?

He's like, maybe you want to do a couple more takes.

Dude, that's a really

talented family, though.

The McFarlane's.

Yeah, Bonnie McFarlane, Seth McClintock,

old McFarlane.

Old McFarlane had a farm.

You know, that stew

was originally.

There you go.

Suck off little kids.

Take it away.

Stop running.

Suck off little kids.

Suck off little kids.

the bottom.

Old McDonald had a farm, and most of it was illegal.

And on that farm, he had a boy who had Down syndrome.

And he fucked a car, and he fucked the car, and he fucked the car.

And Bingo, what?

Bingo was his name.

Was old McFarlane and Bingo the same song?

People told McDonald.

Old McDonald and Bingo, the same song.

They did that.

Half those songs.

Which is Bingo.

Yeah, yeah.

Happy birthday and Twinkle Twinkle are the same.

What?

No,

twinkle, little star.

And what?

Happy birthday to you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the alphabet and twinkle twinkle are the same, you fucking asshole.

Well, everyone knows that, you fucking idiot.

Happy birthday.

That's what I meant.

Not happy birthday.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, you little

agent for the suck my penis.

Shout out to anyone out there who remembers the macarena.

Oh, suck my penis.

Shout out if you remember Doug.

Yeah, yell as loud as you can wherever you are.

Just yell.

Just scream.

Scream.

The top of your lungs.

Shout out if you remember the electric slide.

Yeah.

Yep.

You've got a penis.

Mr.

Tiny.

Little tiny ass.

And you suck that penis.

God, I hope I die soon.

Yeah, you will, man.

I will.

I know.

I believe in you.

I know.

I know.

Liam, I'm coming, buddy.

Damn.

I hope he's not dead.

Yeah.

I'd be upset if Liam was dead.

Yeah, me too.

I don't want anyone to do that.

Only because I like to think of myself as a hero that saves people.

Not because I'd actually be upset about his death.

Yeah, yeah.

He would insult me by killing himself.

He was well-meaning.

No, he wasn't.

Yes, he was.

He sent your family pictures of your dick.

He sent my sister pictures of her own breasts.

Yeah.

But that was from her Instagram.

That's a weird move, man.

Yeah, I guess that's...

I guess I would be happy.

I support that move.

You guess you'd be happy with that.

I guess I'd be happy.

I don't know what I'd do.

If I had the ability to stop living.

It's okay to take pleasure in the death of people that you consider to be slight enemies or inconveniences.

No.

Look, dude, we're powerful men.

You need to start looking like it.

You got to whack some of our animals.

I would be lying if I said that I've never paid to have someone killed.

That would be an untrue statement

if I were to say that.

On his Hillary shit.

Nick's on his Hillary Clinton shit.

Of course.

Look, the only reason I'm obsessed with all these private island psychopaths is because I want to be one of them, of course.

That is, yeah.

You know what the biggest private island is?

The fucking earth.

Uh-huh.

One day that shit's going to be mine.

Yep.

Damn, bro.

Adolf Hitler.

Chicken soup for the artist's soul.

He was just trying to fuck kids.

Private compound to get sucked off.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, listen, gang, I think that's going to do our show.

Is it?

I think so.

You think so?

Let's get dinner and then go.

I feel like we're getting into it now.

We've been doing it.

It's an hour 20, I think.

Hour 15.

Yeah, but I feel like we got some energy now.

Now that I'm like, I'll do it for the live show.

I've been getting hungry for like 15 minutes.

But let's keep going.

You want to go?

No, no, it's fucking seven, dude.

Show's at eight.

Shout out to Liam, though.

All right.

Do a couple more minutes.

No, it's okay.

We can go eat.

We got a live show.

No, let's.

All right, listen.

I'm going to plug my dates and then we can keep.

And then I'm going to start cooking.

Oh, yeah.

But further side,

August 12th, Auto Bar.

Yes.

What is the Boston date?

September.

Look right now.

Yeah.

Cleveland.

Cleveland, then Boston.

Yeah.

Two days away.

Doing the Cleveland-Boston tour.

And Adam is going to post the ticket links on Twitter.

So Estavros.

I'm not on Twitter.

I have no way of doing that.

Yes.

Are the ticket links live for those shows?

They're going to be in both of their bios.

Yeah, Lincoln bio.

Yeah.

Okay.

We'll post that shit.

Nicole PostgreScript.

Australia's grandma.

Third week of October.

And yes, and I am going to be in Rhode Island, Middleport, or some bullshit, Friday the 22nd.

I might add.

I might do a secret show in Austin in a couple weeks.

So the 22nd, please buy those tickets to Rhode Island.

And then if you are in Seattle and Portland, Seattle, I'll be there on the 28th at Laughs Comedy Club.

That's at 8:30.

Please buy the tickets.

Those are up.

Those are my bio.

And also, I will be in Portland July 3rd at the Funhouse Lounge.

So come through, come get sucked off.

Rhode Island is a little bit more than 100%.

No black people are.

Seattle, Portland, everyone else.

Stop said that.

Everyone is alive.

No, Stav said that Black people are not allowed to do that.

He's been doing it as, like, he thinks it's fun, like, the funny thing is.

I'm just crying because just the suggestion of something so racist

broke my heart.

My golden heart.

And it's weird because you really dislike black people but love sports.

You know,

it's like strange.

That is strange.

You like the yelling at them aspect.

Yeah, I'm a sports fan.

My ultimate goal is to be a lot of fun.

Whereas I love black people, but only because I want to harvest them for their power.

I'm going to have a whole team of black people that I love so much that they do everything for me.

That's what that movie, Get Out, was about.

It was about people that loved black people.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, also, Twitch, Twitch.tv Stavbey Baby.

I think I'm going to start doing a regular schedule.

I think I'm going to do Tuesday nights will be my big dick gaming session, and then I'm thinking I'll do Monday meal prep.

Where we'll just fucking Monday morning, I'm fucking marinating.

I'm going to have a couch soon, and once I have that couch, Stav's going to come over.

Yeah, we're going to game like

Warriors from my place.

Ooh, it's going to be nice.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude.

So that's, yeah, that's it.

Those are my plugs.

Also, I'm on You Know What Dude.

I am too.

I am too.

So check us out me and Stav yesterday.

No, I think they pre-record those, so it might be later.

Oh, all right.

Well, then something else.

Yeah.

Either we already own You Know What Dudes, or we're coming up soon.

Yeah, you know what?

I will do that secret show in Austin.

If you want to DM me venue suggestions, I know a couple of places that I'm going to reach out to.

It's kind of a last-minute thing.

thing, but uh, you'd be able to do it, yeah, something small,

yeah, something small, do like 100, 150 people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And nothing is happening in my career, especially nothing that you Adam is in a commercial

commercial.

Please do some research.

Adam's in a commercial, please don't ruin it the same way he ruined my commercial.

I didn't ruin your commercial.

You kind of did post about it immediately, to be fair.

You posted first.

No, you posted

first.

You texted everyone immediately.

You immediately posted it.

You opened the floodgates, so then I figured, why not?

Yeah.

Which is fine.

You just didn't think, you know.

Also, but I should address, because in reading the subreddit, I see that people were claiming that I was bitching about something that was my own fault.

I tried to manage exposure with that commercial as much as possible.

I knew it would probably be a problem.

But,

you know, whatever.

Things happen.

I would rather have the show than be a fucking commercial actor, and you can't double dip.

So it's like, I'm not even.

Things happen, but just point of fucking argument, they specifically mentioned the subreddit and asked me to delete it.

So it is absolutely your fault.

The subreddit was 100% the problem.

I have numerous emails and I got calls about specifically

the come town subreddit.

And it'll probably be a lot better.

So that was the issue.

It was not me or anything I've said on the podcast or even any tweets that I had.

There was not a single tweet cited other than the ones that you posted on the subreddit that they complained about.

Yeah, so look out for the subreddit ruining my commercial acting career pretty soon.

And you know what, boys?

Go for it, right?

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

Nick, shut the fuck up,

no, we're not in this together.

No, we're not.

We are a family.

And the way families show love is by controlling and destroying every aspect of your life.

We're not a family.

It's a natural impulse.

No, if you listen to the show, I'm your father and your son.

No.

If you listen to the show, we really appreciate it.

We created you and you until you're in the show.

No, no, no.

We appreciate it if you listen to the show, but we're also, you know, we're human beings, too.

Yes, you are.

All right, so just be cool.

I'm going to quit the podcast and start posting on the Reddit and just try to become the best guy on the Reddit.

That would be incredible.

That's the new goal.

It's like when Marlow takes his corners.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Start over on the Reddit.

Just quit the show, become an anonymous person, get a sex change, and then work my way back onto the podcast from the subreddit.

Yeah, dude, I end up fucking you.

We end up putting you on.

I don't give a shit.

I'm about my corners.

Well, watch out for that, guys.

In about three years, me, Adam, and Racine will

have Nick on, and we'll rape, have sex with him.

We'll get that woman that I saved in that album.

Yeah, there's just nothing to do in Lancaster.

I just moved to Lancaster.

You're going to move to Lancaster?

I'm divorced.

I'm three-quarters Chinese, one-eighth Jewish, and

19.

I'm mostly mango seeds and flip-flops.

Please don't harass any of our past guests.

I'm not harassing anything.

Don't harass me.

I'm feeling salty now.

You are feeling salty.

Got the boy all salty.

Bring that energy to the fucking live show, baby.

In an hour, if you're listening to this,

we're going to be

going up Wednesday.

So

if you can travel back in time, in an hour will be a come on everybody.

All right, I think that's it.

Yeah.

Bye.

Thanks, guys, for listening.

Goodbye.

Here I want to go, Bennigans.

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