Ep. 99 – Comb Town

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Werewolves of being gay.

That doesn't even make sense.

Werewolves being gay.

Yeah, it does.

It's perfect.

And his hair was perfect.

Dr.

Doctor, suck me the dick.

I got a.

All right, put your tooth in.

We got to do this show.

Bad case of being

gay.

Oh, that's good.

Doctor Doctor, suck me the dick.

I got a bad case of being

gay.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, that is a pretty good one.

Oh, fuck.

Adam, get over here, you fucking slut.

Just a dick-suck, boy.

Born and raised in South Detroit.

Is there a South Detroit or is that just Windsor?

I don't know.

I thought...

Is that Adam?

We're doing the podcast, by the way.

Oh, it started, Adam.

Yeah, we already started.

So maybe you want to talk into the microphone instead of feeding your dog banana bread and kissing it on the lips?

Dogs don't have lips.

They have pussy lips.

They got pussy lips.

She does lips.

That's what I meant.

She wiped her ass the other day.

What?

Like, she pooped, and then we stopped and like a couple of times.

The dog scooted.

Yeah, she like

wiped her ass all the time.

Yeah, dogs do that when they have worms, you fucking idiot.

I've never seen her.

The dog isn't wiping its ass.

It's itching its asshole because it has worms.

No, because she had a dingleberry.

Because you're a bad mother, dude.

No, she had a dingleberry.

Because you're a bad lesbian mother.

There is some woman on Vice that's like, I guess, like gender non-conforming.

She has a little ass mustache.

She looks exactly like Adam.

Yeah.

Same glasses, same hair.

Oh, yeah.

Someone showed me a picture of her.

Yeah, I do look a lot like her.

Exactly like her.

She's from that band Latique Ray, right?

Oh, is she?

Somebody sent me a picture one time, and it was just some guy.

It was like

Portland, Maine's Pride Day or whatever.

And there was some guy that looked exactly like me.

Like, not,

it was me.

There's no, like, no,

like, this guy kind of looks like me.

He looked exactly fucking like me.

And just gay as shit, spinning around a lamppost.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh, my God.

If someone has that, please send it to me.

It's like so unsettling when you see somebody that looks like you.

Yeah, oh, oh, yeah.

I hate it.

Yeah.

I know.

It's like dogs get pissed off when they see a mirror.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

I look a lot like Sandy.

Somebody sent me a picture of a little girl with cancer that looked just like you.

Like me?

Yeah.

A little fat girl with cancer.

Well, she had chemo, so her hair was all gone.

Well, what the fuck?

I have hair, though.

That's a big difference.

That's the number one problem.

Looking just like me.

She didn't have hair.

Yeah, she looked just like John Wimp.

Yeah, I get mad whenever I watch fucking Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, dude, because I'm like, is that me from high school?

Yeah.

Is that young me?

Yeah, you're the phone booth.

One man, a rectangle.

I wish I was a rectangle.

That would be cool.

Just fucking erect anal.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sick.

You know, where you fuck, you destroy a woman's asshole.

Yep, with your brick-shaped cock.

That's what I really want, is a guy who will completely destroy my asshole.

His rectangular dick.

What about sexagon?

Sexagon?

As a shape, instead of like UFC, UFC, like getting the sexagon.

Yeah, yeah.

That's that one we talk about all the time with the gay guys.

What do you think's going to happen when UFC goes away?

It'll never go away.

Yeah, it's just going to get bigger and bigger.

No, it won't.

It's fun to win, though.

Yeah, people won't, but isn't it the fastest growing sport in America?

Yeah, but, you know, what goes up must come down.

Yeah, good point, Nick.

I guess what do I think will happen?

Ripple's about to blow up again.

It's already starting to.

Go down.

No, go up.

Are you going to buy?

Did you buy?

No.

No.

I can't buy these things because I suggest them on the show.

Oh, yeah, because you'll get, what, sued by the FDIC?

Yeah, this is.

Yes, the FDIC.

The government sues you when you commit a crime.

No way.

How would that be a crime?

Because you talk about your cum podcast.

This isn't a fucking financial exit.

What is it?

SEC?

What, like, we, we're no, that's like a violation of SEC rules.

If you're like backing a cryptocurrency for no other reason other than you're like invested in it,

or in any kind of

security or whatever, I think so.

Any of the advice they give on CNBC, like mad money.

It's so easy to break the law when it comes to like investing rules.

I get people who message me all the time.

It's like, hey, my friend worked at Facebook and they said that they're having a really good quarter, so you might want to invest in it.

And it's like, yeah, that's illegal.

You can't do that.

That's what they got Martha on.

Either that or

having a perfect pussy.

Ms.

Dewin, you're under arrest.

It's just got like beautiful drapes.

It's got a pussy looks like.

It's gorgeous.

So tasty.

It's a little piece of vial here and there.

You know, damn.

She nailed it.

Yeah.

The carpets match the drapes perfectly.

Yeah.

Gorgeous.

Let me ask you this.

Do the carpets match the rapes?

In what sense?

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's just a question I like to ask maybe.

Let me ask you.

Does the carpet, she's like crying on the train.

Does the carpet wash the rape?

Oh my god.

They're like, what are you talking about?

It doesn't even make any sense.

It's just mean.

It's just a mean thing to say to a stranger.

She's having a tough day.

Yeah.

I've been doing a lot of rape jokes on stage lately

because it's safe again.

Is it?

Yeah, me too.

It's over.

Oh, really?

It's officially done, guys.

Yeah.

We're back to now that the Harvey Weinstein trial is over, he's been convicted.

We can finally move on.

What do you think Harvey Weinstein is doing right now?

He's in Mexico having sex.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sexico.

He went to France, I know that, for sex rehab.

Oh, nice.

The best place to stop learning how to have sex.

They sex in your dog to sex rehab.

My dog's a pussy doesn't work.

She's a good boy.

Yeah, she is a good boy.

Wow, dude.

Misgendering the fucking dog much.

My dog met Racine's new dog, the puppy, at my birthday party.

What happened?

She was playing very excitedly, and then I think she lunged, and they were like, oh!

Yeah, because that dog's expensive.

Yeah, you're fine.

$3,000.

Yeah, that's so stupid.

Mine was free for streaked.

You got an iMac dog.

I know.

Yeah.

Mercine's fucking moving on the weekends.

Yeah.

No, I got this dog with one night of money.

Yeah, I had to do 15 weekends to be able to afford this dog.

Deb's happy.

Yeah, you know, I mean, she's a dumb bitch, but

I love her.

You know, what can hey?

She wanted a dog, so I said,

Yeah, I guess.

You know,

I'm going to be a dumb bitch and buy a dog.

What a beautiful old-school couple, man.

Yeah, they're great.

We'll never work through their problems.

We'll just argue that.

Same exact race, you know.

Yeah, just the man will

be.

The wife spends the money irresponsibly.

I can't wait till Mrs.

has a gumar.

Yeah.

He's going to.

Not soon, but

Mike, who definitely listens to podcasts, he loves the podcast.

Stops betting on when you're going to cheat on.

I believe he will at some point because it's tradition.

The same reason he bought her the $3,000 dog, because he wanted it.

You know, it's like the Italians do seven fishes, they'll just do seven bitches.

Christmas Eve, seven bitches.

I remember, yeah, when you turn 13, you get to lick the seven pussies with the men.

On Christmas Eve.

That's the part.

Son, come over here.

We're going to lick your mama's pussy.

I'm going to.

This is your bumitstrus.

We're going to bend your mother over and you're going to suck her from behind.

Papa, I don't want to.

Don't be a faggot.

Come on, what's your old man?

Grandmothers there, too.

All the women in the family get their pussies eat.

Shut up, grandma.

Jimmy's becoming a man today.

Get that old fucked-up pussy out of here.

Gusty old

feast of the seven bitches.

I love traditional Italian culture, ma'am.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Mamma Mia.

Mama Mia.

That's

your dick got too hard.

Yeah, if your dick gets hard while eating out your mom,

that's a mama mia.

Two more weeks of spring.

Then the probability of a hung jury in your grandfather's murder case goes up.

You have to hum the godfather theme while you're eating your mom's clip.

Let's get the vibrations make her go wild.

Do as much of the alphabet as you remember on her pussy.

Yeah.

That's actually the only thing from Italy that came over that Italian Americans kept.

You too.

It's going down on your mom.

Oh, yeah.

The pasta, they fuck up.

None of those dishes.

They don't use garlic in Italy.

That's crazy you told me that.

Yeah.

Garlic's good as hook.

Nobody believes me when I tell them that.

I don't believe it.

They don't also.

Because Greeks use garlic.

I think they use garlic.

They also don't mix meat and pasta.

I believe that.

Yeah.

Because good Italian restaurants, they always serve it to you on the side, the pischetti.

Yeah, there are different kinds of Italian cuisine.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up, dude.

With the fucking tone you said that.

Like you're an expert, motherfucker.

I'm not an expert.

How dare you?

I'm not saying that there's no cups.

Other guys, there's actually different.

Shut fuck you, dude.

All right.

Pasta, you're going to fucking lecture me on pasta, Adam?

When you say gay shit, when you say gay fast.

I know if you put the pasta in with the meat, it's as bad as if you put the meat into your mother's pussy

and it's a sacred tradition of eating a pussy.

Yeah.

Well, that's seven bitches.

You can't.

You do not put spaghetti at your mother's pussy.

She will get a yeast infection, which is not supposed to happen until the fall for the mother's pussy bread festival.

When you make the bread of the mother.

They actually didn't invent eating your mom's pussy.

They did

the Chinese.

Marco Polo brought that back.

Well, that's where the game Marco Polo came.

Yeah, yeah.

Chinese people, they couldn't see anything and they were going around accidentally eating their mom's pussy.

They go, Marco!

Marko!

Marko!

Marco!

Yeah.

Yeah, these are all true.

These are all

real information.

Oh, fuck.

So, wait, so yeah, spaghetti is just Lomain, right?

The waffle is.

Yeah, yeah.

So that makes sense because

Greek food is so much different than Italian food, they must have stolen it.

You know?

Pizza almost a little bit makes sense because it's a flatbread, a pizza.

You know what I mean?

A pizza.

Pita and stuff.

Two completely different things that they sound the same.

No, no.

Fuck.

There's a similar.

It is similar because all Mediterranean food is like flatbreads in a different way.

Chinese people stole the concept of dragons from the band Imagine Dragons.

Did they?

Yeah, because they were the first people to imagine them.

The band was.

The band was.

Oh, okay.

Damn.

Damn.

Wow, that's great.

I like that it's open-ended, too, with Imagine Dragons.

Because it's like Imagine Dragons doing what?

Yeah, like just imagine kissing each other.

Just the constantly holding hands.

Yep.

Having gay sex.

Tony the Tiger

and a cartoon dragon in a bench pressing competition with each other.

They're both sweaty and nude.

That's good.

Yeah.

I bet you could find a lot of people Imagining Dragons on TV.

Damian R, yeah.

Is that what you're referring to?

Is it that kind of imagining?

Maybe it's just having a.

The original name of the band was fantasizing about Bowser.

They met on it.

Yeah,

and then Sony BME was like, maybe you should

change the name.

Yeah, cut out all the references to sucking Bowser's cock that you put in every single song.

Ah, man, you suits don't get it, man.

Man, this is our art.

This is our deviant art.

Deviant artist, man.

Fuck yeah, dude.

What do you you think Bowser's dick looks like?

It's on Nick's business card.

Oh, that's right.

We've all seen it.

Bowser's Dick.

That's right.

He's uncut.

I forgot about how good those business cards are.

Those were great business cards, man.

Did it just say autism on it?

Yeah, yeah.

The way Bowser's just sort of leaning on that desk with his face.

It's not really overtly sexual.

He's just kind of presenting and like he's proud more than he's.

He wants to have us to be out of his band.

He's wearing like a vest.

Yes, he is.

God damn.

That's some good deviant art, man.

Yeah.

Chill out, I see.

You fucking bitch.

Yeah, I want a deviant art of gravedigger, fucking Bowser doggy style.

Yes.

The monster truck.

Mm-hmm.

Ass digger.

Mm-hmm.

What is your dog doing?

Why is she snarling at you?

She's begging.

I'll tell my girl.

No, cock.

No, she's like, when she associates us as sitting at the table with us eating, and then she wants us to get food.

No, we're making money, you dumb bitch.

Yeah, we're making

it.

This is business, you fucking

dog whore.

Go to Dodge.

Yeah, get over there.

There's nothing for you here.

That's why, from now on, Adam.

From now on, Adam, to not fuck up the podcast, start eating on the floor.

Yeah, you gotta start eating on the floor.

You gotta start eating out of a dog food bowl.

Yeah, start eating out of the dog food bowl.

Pour a little fucking some of your fucking different kind of Italian cuisine that you know so much about.

Yeah, you know, start eating that out of the fucking dog bowl.

Okay, that's fine.

You know, your northern Italian fucking cuisines.

I think this girl told me her ex-boyfriend would make her drink piss out of a dog food bowl.

And it's like, yeah, don't tell me that.

Don't tell me things.

I don't need to know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I always.

Oh, cool.

Please tell me in detail the one time a guy made you come real the hardest.

It wasn't me.

I'd love to hear that story.

What, from the food bowl?

Yeah, from the food bowl.

No,

this was like a culture thing.

Oh, Italian.

Yeah, yeah, he was Uzbek.

You have the drink.

Because it is Christmas.

I'm not being mean.

It's Christmas.

There's a place.

He's crying while she's doing it.

I'm so sorry.

Please come back, father.

Please come back to the family.

I make her drink tea.

How much do you hate your mother if you make a woman drink piss out of a dog bowl?

I think this much.

No,

I think you can really love your mother and make a woman do that.

Drink piss out of a dog bowl?

Of course, I think you can really love your mother too much

I love two things my mother and being a vagina the two of them

Let's go to let's just rattle off every ethnic voice.

Okay, let's go through all of them.

Okay

No, we've already done most of them Catalan

Catalan hey

hey, here I am.

I'm Joey Catalano.

Whoa.

That's good.

That is good.

I'm from a region of Spain.

I'm not exactly which for sure which one

White Spanish people.

Spain.

Of Spain.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm fucking gay.

They talk like that because the prince had a lisp and then they didn't want to make him feel bad.

That's kind of, is that an urban.

That's one of those things I hear that I believe.

And if you think about it for a second, it's stupid as shit.

Right, like on the back of those voodoo chips where it said that they accidentally mixed all the flavors together.

I was like, damn, for real?

Wow, that's crazy.

Lucky for me that that happened because I love these flavors.

Those are good chips.

Yeah, they are.

They are good.

Damn.

Jalapeno, the jalapeno.

Zaps, dude.

Zaps makes fire too.

Zaps.

Zaps is good.

Probably Zaps is best, then Utz, and then Pringles.

No, no.

That's a wild ranking.

No.

No, it's not.

Yeah.

What am I missing here?

Lays?

Shit.

What about Lays cancels off my dick?

But yeah.

What about all those brands of like kettle core?

Are you the kettle chips?

Maybe if you're some sort of fancy, high-falutino, they have those street homes.

Is it zaps?

The Wall Street ones.

yeah those famous wall street guys that never rape women those wall streets have sex with men

one of these fancy chip eating

wall street queers

you know all those marys down on wall street

that would be awesome dude if they were all gay everyone was gay on wall street yeah i like stocks and fancy chips

wait isn't zaps uh new orleans aren't they kettle whatever i think so yeah or is it the same that's where you rank rank number one.

Ergo.

You are gay.

The Matrix.

Nice.

Thank you.

Yeah.

He uses a lot of those Latin words, doesn't he?

In the Matrix.

He doesn't say ergo.

Ergo.

I think it's just the architect that says that.

Yeah, I know.

That's that guy.

Doesn't he say things like that?

Who's the architect?

Doesn't he use other Latin words?

Some guy in a room.

And who is the black lady, the omen, or some shit?

She was the

what was she?

She was something like that.

The oracle.

The oracle.

Yeah, I was in her with an O beat.

You should have known that.

That's how I agree.

She taught Morpheus how to eat corn.

Wow.

I'm remembering the Matrix.

No, like

one.

This is from memory.

I'm remembering.

Wait, what was her deal?

She was like...

She taught Morpheus how to eat corn, and because of that, you know, they bring all his friends.

He's like, you got to meet this bitch.

She was telling me how to suck chicken marrow out of the bone.

Oh, yeah.

She was telling me

those pigeon ladies in the park.

But how she's hiding in the Matrix?

No, she's a program.

She's a program.

Oh, she is a program.

Yeah, she's a program to trick.

Because basically, they tell you at the end of the third movie that

the best one.

I don't saw the first one.

That

Neo isn't really the one.

Mr.

Smith, Agent Smith.

What?

Yeah.

I mean,

in terms of Agent Smith being

the thing that's different.

Because the one is something that's programmed into the Matrix.

They do these cycles where, because people operate on an understanding that they need some kind of hope or whatever.

Oh, damn.

So there's no hope the Matrix wins?

So the agents, or the machines have, like, six times destroyed Zion and then killed everybody in, like, you know, they keep two people and then start the resistance again.

Damn, really?

Yeah, so the Oracle is part of this system of control to like

keep these people thinking.

That sounds good.

That happens in the third one?

Yeah, that happens in the third one.

Yeah, it sounds like a good eyes, right?

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, but Agent Smith, they didn't.

Agent Smith is like the program that decides he's not going to do whatever.

I thought he's a virus, right?

Sort of.

Isn't that what he's supposed to do?

Oh, so Agent Smith is the good guy?

He's supposed to be like the antichrist.

Like, he's like the opposite of.

Everything's

going to be a good thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So wait, they don't win at the end?

No, they die.

They do win at the end because Neo makes a deal with the machines because they can't.

Agent Smith took over the Matrix at the end of the third one, and he's like just doing whatever the fuck he wants to do.

Oh, he's just getting sucked off to the dictated whores.

They put like that'd be cool.

They put, yeah, Neo makes a deal where he goes into the Matrix to destroy Agent Smith because they can only cancel each other out.

Oh, fuck.

And then if he does.

And he sacrifices himself to

Zion.

Yeah, then the machines will stop.

Yeah.

He's just approaching Zion.

Hell yeah, dude.

Attacking Zion.

Good for.

I kind of thought he was supposed to be sort of Jesus, like he was resurrected.

That is Jesus.

Jesus dies for our sins.

But Jesus was a program in the Matrix.

Jesus died.

He fought the devil.

Those were the Jews.

Oh, he fought the devil.

He fought the devil.

Is that what he was doing when he was in the cave?

Yep.

He was fucking up all the Jews in a man cave.

Reading the chive.

He had a 65-inch flat screen.

Oh, yeah.

PS4.

Wings for the big game.

He had the VR.

Mary Magdalene tried to come in.

He was like, bitch, get out of here.

This is for the moment.

Is there part of Christianity that...

So is part of Christianity thinking that Jesus died a virgin?

Yeah.

He never fucked, right?

He never had sex, never fucked up in the Bible.

Which is why I had to say that.

But

is there a type of Christianity that's like, no,

Harry Magdalene.

Yeah.

Harry Magdalene.

He was going to fuck her, but her pussy was too hairy, dude.

She was too hairy.

And he was like, I'm out.

And then wax that shit, bitch.

He's like, damn, what are you gay?

And then he gave her pussy alopecia, and all the hair fell off.

Yeah.

And then he fucked her.

Because he has that power.

He's God.

Yeah.

That's tight.

You can give all women alopecia just on their pussies.

I think that thing in Africa where they think if you have sex with a virgin, it gets rid of AIDS.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the funniest thing.

Yeah.

Well, it's really sad.

It's really chill for those virgins.

It's really sad if you're a baby.

A double rape?

It's very funny, too.

It is funny that that.

Some things can be both sad and I'm able to laugh at them.

Yes.

Conceptually, it's maybe funny.

No, it is.

Shut up.

You know it's funny.

Yeah, stop pretending like you care.

It's fucked up.

You sure are.

I care.

You know what?

I know for a fact.

That's right.

I know for a fact.

We're talking to an African-American right now.

You personally turned down.

I'm from the dark continent.

We got offered to do a show for the victims of AIDS in Africa, and you said, no, we're not doing it.

Well, not until I couldn't vet the organization to make sure that the money was going to the African American American.

My close personal friend, Bono, sent me a private message on alt.irish

and said,

Oi, Bob,

that is me, Bono.

Do you want to come play my Motorola Razor Festival down?

Hell yeah, I do.

Well, the reason Adam was against that is because once South Africa started their racist campaign against white farm landowners.

Oh, yeah, the white gentleman.

That was Zimbabwe, wasn't it?

Was it?

No, they're saying it's happening in South Africa.

No, like Alex Jones is like really like

they're killing white people all over South Africa.

Now, I don't know if we can get Uve Bol because it's like he wants too much money to come here.

How much does he want?

I don't know.

He's like, I

don't know if I well, he fucking.

Yeah, I said I was like, he's like, oh, you go, if you pay for my flight, I'll come.

And I'm like, all right, great.

And then he's like, well, I'll need a hotel, too.

And I was like, well, I was like, how about this?

I'll give you a thousand bucks.

You spend it however you want.

Yeah, that's more than enough.

That's more than enlightening hotel.

I was like, well, hotels are kind of expensive.

He's like, flight will be $1,300.

I'm like, from where?

From LA.

Are you taking a fucking hot air balloon?

No, he's coming from Vancouver.

Oh, it's not $1,300.

Yeah, there's no way to search for this.

No way.

And then he was like, we can just, I mean, he's open to do Skype, but I don't want to do fucking Skype.

No.

You know?

I'm with you.

Yeah.

And I guess his priority right now is trying to fight Alex Jones.

Well, we can make that.

Are they having a beef?

No, I don't know.

I don't really pay attention.

Damn, dude, I wanted Uve in the mix, dude.

We'll get him here.

Well, maybe.

I mean, fuck it.

Maybe we'll we'll just spend the money and get Uve Bull here.

Maybe next time he's in New York or something?

Yeah,

he said if we wait till fall, because he'll be in Toronto more in the fall.

All right.

We should just go to Toronto.

I was saying we should just go to Vancouver.

Vancouver is a beautiful city.

Yeah.

Slam Cougar.

Slam Cougar.

Slam Cooner.

Slam Pooner.

Slam Cougar.

That would be funny.

It's like Van Cougar.

And it's a.

Van Wilder?

No, it's an older woman with a van that goes around Belastine.

Whoa.

But she's a total cougar.

Yeah.

She's a cougar.

As long as she's hot.

I don't see it.

That'd be funny, like a man referring to himself as a cougar.

Yeah.

Yeah, I fuck like an 11-year-old girl.

I'm a cougar, dude.

Yep, total cougar.

It's like, John, I don't think you understand.

Yep.

I'm here to make that pussy pick.

Erin's like, good for him.

There he is.

He's in leopard print.

He's got his nails done.

He's molesting.

He's really rebounded.

He's really rebounded from that divorce he's doing great we're so happy for him he's wearing tube like club skirts oh yeah tube club skirts what are those called tube club skirts like you know tube tops like tube tops like the girls wear the clubs anyway i got a tube top for you right here why don't you give my tube top pal

do you want to give my tube top adam

Your tube top?

Give my tube top.

Is there a disease where you could be born without a dickhead?

I would assume so.

Yeah, look at that up.

You're just...

I mean, there's probably guys with very

ambiguous genitalia, right?

Not the same thing.

He's talking...

People have pussies and like dick-shaped clips.

Is that what her map is?

Medhealth.org, or the first result, when you type in penis without glands, the first result.

My friend says he does not have a penis cap.

Exclamation point.

I love penis caps.

My wife's a doctor, and she's pretty much seen hurt at all, and she can't ever recall hearing about someone being born without a glance.

Is that what your head is called?

A glands?

Yeah.

Wow.

Really?

Dude, Nick is so smart, and he acts dumb.

He knows all the stuff that we don't know.

He just has random.

I'm dumb and I act smart.

Yeah, that's literally what Nick says.

I'm dumb and I act smart.

What do you mean I'm so smart?

I'm sitting here googling.

No, he's not.

You know the medical

term for a dickhead.

I know a lot of stuff.

I know

he's not an anatomy.

Yeah.

He knows random facts

from doing at-home

doing my own surgeries on homeless surgeries.

Should we open a fucking homeless shelter and then try and make Frankensteins?

Oh, yeah.

Well, we should just open an abortion shelter.

Nice.

Because, you know, once the government takes that right away from women,

privatize it.

What if we privatize abortions?

That's how we get Republicans on board.

We make our own little private fucking abortion clinics.

Yeah.

Okay.

No government.

And then we get to keep all the fucking

beautiful baby juice that makes you stronger.

Stem cells yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah and then we inject stem cells directly into our cocks and we really give like women like kind of a luxury spa experience

yep yep so cucumbers on your eye yep facials yep yep yep you know yep yep maybe a little bit of sedative help you sleep oh yeah oh they'll be sedatives

you wake up confused

don't worry about what happened while you're here's one but that looks like oh

what the come on that let me see where is that even from?

They took that off someone's body?

No, that's still on their body.

Let me see.

Wait, what do you mean that's on their body?

If you know there's like a blanket.

Yeah, they're doing surgery.

They're cutting his dicks off.

That's a weird ass-looking dick, dude.

That looks like a hot dog.

That looks like a normal dick with just no top.

That's what's weird about it.

I don't know.

It looks really small to me.

Yeah.

Well, the top's missing.

I wouldn't mind to be able to be removed.

I want a little hand on the side of my dick that goes, hello.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The top comes on and off.

Steve Ming.

is

like a little newsboy cap.

No, like a top hat.

It's like a jacket.

Honestly, that's kind of what my dick looks like sometimes because my dick because my foreskin doesn't go all the way back.

It doesn't go all the way back.

So you've never seen the bottom of the helmet.

I have sometimes.

You never just like pull as hard as you can.

I never do that, but sometimes when I'm fucking, it happens.

Uh-huh.

When I'm really getting in there, get in those shits.

What about the whole cleaning aspect of it?

Yeah, my dick's clean.

But like, if you can't get in under the ridge, like under the helmet.

Nothing gets in, brother.

Nothing gets in.

Nothing gets in the house.

It's airtight.

Airtight.

What is going on?

I don't even know.

Oh my god, is that?

It looks like they're putting a rod in that guy's cock.

They're doing some kind of surgery on this guy's dick.

Oh, man.

Imagine getting dick surgery.

Yeah, semi-rigid penile prosthesis as a salvage.

Oh, they literally are putting a rod in his cock.

Yeah, semi-rigid penile prosthesis is a salvage management of idiopathic, ischemic, stuttering priapism.

What is salvage?

They got it off of the ship.

Yeah, a stuttering priapism, I guess, is when you're like,

my dick is too hot.

My dick won't

stop being hard.

That's crazy.

Man,

that's not what priapism is, though, is it?

Yeah, it's really dick stays hard for too long.

Whoa, 24-7, 365, you come through with that hard pipe, and that's a fucking problem.

That's not a problem.

That sounds awesome, dude.

Look at how much surgery, dude.

Can we stop looking at dicks getting cut open, please?

There's like 12 guys looking on that dick.

I don't want to look at that.

That's like an operating theater full of like 15 doctors.

That is so cut open.

Yeah, that dick is splayed the hell out.

Oh, fuck.

God damn.

Teenager

undergoes world's first penis reduction surgery.

Oh, dude, come on.

Stop reading my medical records.

First of all, you're not a teenager.

I was.

I was at one point.

Bitch.

I can confirm that.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, no problem.

Dunked on you, man.

Slam.

Dunked.

Sham a.

Come on, man.

Stop looking at Cox.

I'm looking at surgery pictures, first of all.

He's a medical

enthusiast.

Yeah, I am a medical enthusiast.

Yeah.

I'm into all kinds of weird surgeries.

Like, what else?

What are some of your favorite surgeries?

Having your balls replaced with eyes.

Holy fuck, dude.

Can you imagine how much better sex is?

Yeah, you know, just to see an asshole coming closer and further away, just inches away from an asshole.

You keep getting scared.

I don't want to go with that ass.

Oh,

I think there's no surprise.

I told you guys about that abortionist that Max sent me, that Wikipedia article.

Clear throat, man.

Yeah, some dude in Philly.

Tell him how to do his throat.

Tell this bitch how to do his damn throat.

Yeah, about the abortionist.

He was just like,

babies were being, he was like a DIY abortionist.

Oh, nice.

He

killed like hundreds of people.

He killed babies.

Yeah, and like didn't clean up.

Like, there's just

fetuses on the floor.

Kermit something in Philly.

Yeah.

Kermit the frog.

I can find it on what you're doing.

Kermit the frog.

Kermit the frog.

What about what were you saying?

He killed a bunch of babies after

live births.

Like he just like

what's up, Mac?

go ahead and slap me

Listen to Jack

I ain't got time for no yip yap

whatever old black guys say I don't know yeah yeah my art teacher I told you guys my art teacher was named Mac Daly oh really what a good ass name dude he's an old black guy old awesome black dude wore silk shirts good mustache balding minifro

the king dude mac daly

Sorry, I'm trying to find something here.

What is it?

You'll see in a second.

Talk about something else for a second.

Okay.

God damn it.

My roommates say we have to clean up better.

And you know what?

I don't really want to, man.

Wait, Christina's gone?

Christina's gone.

It's all guys.

It's all broken.

Christina's been gone for a while, dude.

So, yeah, so what do you need to do?

Her new place is nice.

Yeah.

I mean, the bedroom is.

Wait, when did you go?

I went in through the window.

You got a ladder.

She lives on a sixth floor.

There's a man in a superhero costume.

It's a diaper and cape.

Was she there?

No.

Not yet.

But she will be,

said the spider to the fly.

Let me see your penis, said the spider to the fly.

So you're in third grade.

I'm a cougar, said the spider to the fly.

That's so funny.

I mean, like, yeah, it's like the

okay.

Here we go.

This is break time.

Okay.

So, guys, if you're wearing underwear right now, you know, good to see you.

I'm not.

I'm free bowling.

Oh, are you?

But I wish I was.

You know what kind I wish I need to have my shit contained, you know, because I got what you call a wild-style hog.

It likes to wiggle and wave around.

That movie Wild Hogs with John Chabol.

It's about guys whose dicks have stuttering priapism.

It's really hard to ride a motorcycle, but they figure it out.

Their stuttering priapism prevents it.

Anyway, so if you got wild hogs stuttering cryopism, what you need is a good pair of underwear.

And that's why Mac Weldon is there for you, because they make better underwear than whatever you're wearing right now.

They believe in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

You can go online, go ahead and type in MacWeldon.com with your fucking stupid dick.

With your hard ass colour,

check out their website.

See how easy it is to shop.

I've shopped on there.

I typed in everything with my penis.

It was a lot easier than doing it on

the Oshkosh website where they specifically requested I not type things in with my penis.

But how can they?

They know.

Because I videotape it it and

I send them a VHS cassette.

You're wearing a train conductor hat?

I am.

Choo-choo!

Anyways,

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They have a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which means they eliminate odor.

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They're good for working out, going to work, going out on dates, just everything in everyday life.

So go to MacWeldon.com and get 20% off using promo code COMTOWN.

That's C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

MacWeldon.com, thanks, guys.

And we are back.

We're back, bitch.

How about that movie We're Back, but it's We're Black and it's Black Dinosaurs.

Yeah, cool.

Was We're Back About Dinosaurs?

Yeah.

I don't remember that movie.

You don't?

I remember Jurassic Park.

No, we're back.

It was an animated movie.

It was great.

Never saw it.

It's about dinosaurs.

Land Before Time?

Yeah, this guy, he's got a time machine, and he brings dinosaurs to the future so that they can go to the Museum of Natural History or something.

And watch their dead relatives look at their dead relatives.

Yeah, basically.

And then they meet up with this kid that's like, I guess it lives on a boat in the East River.

Oh, wait.

It's like a spaceship.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good-ass movie.

Yeah, the movie rules.

John Goodman is the

wrestler.

Yeah, is it T-Rex?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

They're friends with those kids and you're like, I used to watch that movie over and over again.

I watch that all the time.

Yeah, I just don't remember the plot at all.

Anyway, so it's that, but it's we're black.

I like that, yeah.

Cool.

They're like, wow, dinosaurs.

And he's like, shut up.

That's the thing

people do be saying.

Shut up.

Where are the white women at, right?

That's what the dinosaurs say.

I like the big white.

Don't you feel like dinosaurs, the TV show, The Dad at least was black?

The dad was John Goodman, too.

Yeah, no, that was just Roseanne, but that was Roseanne.

Yeah, but he was.

Is John Goodman in the new one?

Roseanne, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Shout out to Roseanne.

I watched the new one.

It seemed like they tried to cram like five episodes into the first episode.

Yeah, so much was happening.

Yeah.

Was it funny?

It was just too much going on.

Yeah.

You know what?

It's like bad.

Yeah, it wasn't bad, but it's like shows aren't good anymore.

Like, sitcoms, people.

Multi-cams.

In the 1970s and the 1990s, there was a bunch of really good sitcoms.

And then outside of that, there hasn't been anything ever that's good.

Yeah, I heard

nothing good.

I heard Gerard Carmichael's show is good, and it's pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, I tried watching it.

It's like there's something, I mean, the original Roseanne, you go back and watch the new Roseanne, and then go pick any episode from the first three seasons or four seasons of Roseanne and watch that, and you're like, oh, this is like an amateurish attempt at making a TV show in comparison to how the show used to be.

The original one.

Yeah, well, there's something so fucking bizarre about it because it's like you're just aware that it's not the same fucking thing.

It's just like it's too old.

It's weird.

It's like, I don't know.

Is it?

I was never clear.

John Goodman's neck looks like a pussy now.

Yeah, yeah.

He looks old as shit.

Yeah.

And you know Roseanne's a crazy dumb bitch.

Like we all know that.

Yeah.

You know?

Isn't he playing that farm or some shit?

How about Nozanne?

And it's about, it's more about how she's Jewish.

She is half Jewish.

She is Jewish.

And it's, but, you know, she's like, Dan,

when are you going to eat my pussy for the six fishes?

Perhaps just five fishes this year?

All these fishes get together.

Oh, that's maybe too many fishes.

Seven fishes.

What a whoa, whoa, whoosh.

What am I?

King David.

Whoa, whoa, four.

I'm Solomon over here.

What a woo am I that I need all these fishes?

Maybe two, three at most.

Okay, four,

I see your point.

But four.

But is, let me ask you this: is three not the same as four?

If you're talking about eating

by the third fish, you're full.

After that, you're just becoming more full.

So we'll do, we'll call it, we'll split the difference, call it two fishes.

And

actually, we'll just serve one Swedish fish.

That'll be dinner for tonight.

And then we'll split the bill.

So we don't have to renew it.

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you 13 cents.

You go down to the candy store, you get a Swedish fish, you cook it up back there in your shamooch frying pan you got back there, and you bring it to me.

Thank you.

I will be eating my napkin.

I've eaten all the

software.

I ate the tablecloth, and the table is yours.

The table scarf is in a chair

in the middle of the restaurant.

Clearly, the table is under his shirt.

I think I'm full.

I should not be expected to pay.

Knives are falling out of his fucking boots.

Well, I've had a very good meal, but you know, sometimes his food takes too long to come out, so we'll call it even.

I won't pay anything.

And please, may I have some of the mints from the register?

Fill my pocket with the mints.

And I will be taking all of these to go menus to make hats for my children.

Ah, the traditional Jewish feast of the two fishes, of the one Swedish fish.

We try and steal as much from a chili's as possible.

Yeah, you guys can laugh all you want, but these traditions have been passed down for hundreds of years.

They've kept your people strong.

They've kept us together.

Of all the stereotypes of all the races, Jews meet cheap is the funniest.

It's so good.

It is really funny.

It's the fucking funniest.

The sad part is like, not the sad part, but that generation is nearly dead.

Yeah, well, yeah.

If someone had done a little better logistical work, it would have taken a lot of time.

Yeah, they would have all been dead by 1945.

Yeah, that's true.

It would have been a lot quicker.

My grandma used to

invite me and my sister over for dinner and buy one steak, like a filet.

Hell yeah.

And then pull it out of the oven and be like, whoa, you should have seen the size of it when I put it in.

That's right, sister women.

The little shriveled cock comes down.

It's so small.

She's like, you know, meat shrinks when you cook it.

I'm sorry.

We have like two slices of meat.

I've got a carrot.

What is that?

Eucalyptus?

What is that?

Lavender?

Lavender?

This

thing?

Lilac?

No, it's

different.

Dash, but no, I don't know.

Dasha.

Dasha, can I have some coffee?

What kind of flour is this?

What kind of flour is it?

Just, it looks nice.

They're nice flowers.

You got banana bread here, but how about bandana bread?

Yeah, like for for essays, it's like, hey, man, what kind of bread do you want to make?

Poochico?

What'd you call?

What'd you call me?

I got some bread for you right here, SA.

You know?

Bandana bread?

Yeah, that's

Adam.

Adam has banana bread.

Hey, give me a job.

I'll cut you.

I know people

listening don't know this, but Adam bakes banana bread.

I did break it.

By the way, in a cast iron.

I did it in stop style in the cast iron.

Everyone mocked me when I said multiple cakes.

Yeah, you were making yourself multiple cakes.

But guess what, motherfuckers?

We all enjoy the delicious cast iron banana bread, didn't we?

Multiple cakes.

Multiple cakes.

Different sizes, you know?

Some for guests, some you can freeze.

You should keep nice.

It's nothing like a personal pancake.

Just believe it.

What about Alex Jones getting sued for by the Sandy Hook parents?

That's pretty tight.

Why did that take so long?

Well, he folded pretty fast when

during the Pizzagate, when what's his name?

Podesta.

Podesta sued him.

Oh, he did sue him.

And then he apologized.

Oh, nice.

I would like to apologize to John Podesta.

Well, that's crazy because that's probably the one that's.

You're saying it's wrong that he raped all those children that he raped.

Like, Podesta probably is a rapist, right?

His brother, right?

Oh, for sure.

Without any

fear of a lawsuit,

I can say without a doubt that Tony Podesta has a secret prison in his basement.

And in a pizza restaurant.

And in a pizza restaurant.

Yeah.

But yeah, people molest children for sure.

But the Sandy Hook thing, it's crazy you could just make fun of people whose children were murdered and it took this long to get sued.

I like Dan Schneider's out, but like no real, there's no real consequences for any of this shit.

Like Brian Singer was quote-unquote done and now he's just in Dubai raping children, doing whatever the fuck he wants.

He's off of that Freddie Mercury movie.

Oh, yeah.

That was the beginning of the end for him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The gay, which would have been a child molester's dream.

Yeah.

It's like, why are there so many scenes of Freddy as a child?

As a little boy.

In India?

He's from India.

Why is the first half of the movie about his penis as a six-year-old?

Well, dude, if there's no justice, maybe these pedophiles, there needs to be vigilante justice.

Yeah, like a vagantant.

Should we become superheroes?

I'm trying to be a vagilante.

You know what I'm saying?

A vagilante?

that's where you have sex to make the world take i'm trying to be a i'm trying to be a back bat man

where i blow women's backs out instead of batman yeah i'm trying to be

fuckquaman yeah where you have sex with water i fuck a whale

where i come in a bathtub we've talked about this before

they suck each other's blow holes yeah dolphins rock dude they rock they have no dolphins suck each other's dicks yeah they're gay they rape each other and shit.

Do they rape?

I think so.

Really?

I think so.

If they're smart, then there's going to be bad guys.

There's going to be bad dolphins.

And they're going to be rapists.

I guess Brian Singer's back in LA now.

Really?

Yeah.

Dude.

Yeah, there are zero consequences.

It's on Instagram.

Here's a picture of him with two other pedophiles.

Oh, damn.

They look like pedophiles.

Yeah.

Especially that guy in the middle.

I mean, both the guy, the guy on the left.

I love Brian Singer's haircut.

It's like what I had in seventh grade.

Yeah, same with the glasses, too.

And the glasses.

and the sexual attraction to other seventh graders, uh, yeah, yeah.

This is a funny thing for Brian Singer to put on his Instagram.

It's a picture of Freddie Mercury, and it says, I wonder what he'd say about all this.

He would say, it's cool to rape children

as a gay man.

I remember watching the Behind the Music for Queen when I was a kid, and then I was like very confused.

They were like, Freddie went went to Milwaukee and discovered the bathhouse scene in Milwaukee.

Really?

But it's just like a weird place to.

I didn't know there was gay guys out of Milwaukee in Milwaukee.

This guy's had multiple accusations from people accusing him of sexual assault.

He's currently being sued for it.

I mean, like, there's no way Brian Singer is innocent.

Yeah.

There's just no way.

Right.

All this shit.

And it's all these fucking assholes like defending him on Instagram.

And then he's just, this is his life.

Oahu, Hawaii, hanging out.

You know?

yeah you could just rape if you're rich fuck this world although the most famous gay guy from milwaukee going back to that prince of course was jeffrey dahmer oh right yeah

you know that sob and i were talking about this the other day but you know that story of like what that like chinese boy who's murdering like ran away like got away and went up to the cops and was like there's this guy this guy's trying to kill me oh yeah with dahmer and then dahmer

and then dahmer was like that's my boyfriend that's my boyfriend and then the cops were like oh you you girls you girls girls go ahead and have fun.

That's crazy that the guy got out.

Yeah, he got, yeah,

he thought he was safe.

Running up to the police, like, Dr.

Jones, Dr.

Jones.

Dude, imagine how much it sucked getting murdered if you're that guy.

It double, like, it just sucks in general, but you were like,

Jake Dahmer throws him in the dungeon and then locks the door and then puts on the curb your enthusiasm

for raping over that.

They just came out with a young, not just, but a couple months ago, a young Dahmer movie.

Everyone gets a young and they fuck movie.

Well, he's kind of sexy.

He was hot.

He looked good.

I hope they do that for me.

They make a body.

The young Mullin.

Young Mullen, and then it's just

apartment,

just playing PlayStation.

It's two hours of Battlefield

so I can unlock.

I can unlock

a new cape.

Yeah, a new type of skin for

the

MP18.

That's what it's all about.

Fall camo.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Should I become a fucking Twitch streamer?

Those people keep telling me I should Twitch streamer.

You don't have to do video games on it.

Now I think it's just live streaming.

I'd do it.

I'd

say play Super Nintendo emulators on my computer.

That'd be fun.

I'm about to be a Twitch streamer, dude.

And I'm just going to lose it every game.

That's going to be my thing.

I'm going to be bad at it.

How do you monetize Twitch?

Like, people are making all this this money you sell whoever watches you you sell them your underwear you gotta be a hot

panties yeah no they're like gamers that are really you have to be good at it you have to be good at you can either be a male that's good at gaming i mean the only way it would work for us is if we're like riffing the whole time right and that's just doing the podcast yeah i can't do that while gaming while gaming i like to embrace being mad

yeah

you know and you that's funny too because they always get in trouble for saying that like bad racism they always get in trouble for it yeah i mean they're bound to it was so funny when that PewDiePie video came out and it's like, how is that the first time this has happened?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't understand how this is happening.

Anytime you get killed on like a game, a racial story is bound to come out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where's PewDiePie?

So PewDiePie is, was he American or British?

He's American.

Swedish.

Swedish?

Swedish.

But he sounds American.

He sounds weird.

I know the big one now is that guy.

I remember they had him at the Barnes Noble in Union Square like four years ago.

It's like this PewDiePie.

And I'm like, is this some like alt-lit fucking retard?

Yeah.

I had no idea he was a YouTube gamer.

And it's like,

why is he here?

Why is he at a bookstore?

Like, it's viz.

I went to the Almo Draft House last night, and they had some guy signing shit.

I saw a quiet place.

Oh, I wanted to see that.

What is that?

It's like a horror thriller movie or something.

Oh, it's the office.

It's the office.

It's the preaching gym.

Yeah.

The sucked office.

The sucked office.

Cool.

Hell yeah.

I would love the sucked office.

I would love to beat off the Pam sucking a guy.

The beat office.

The beat office.

Pam, Angela.

Rashida Jones.

Every woman on the show.

Sexy.

Except the one.

Except the one.

We all know the one.

Phyllis.

That one that looks like a rotting eggplant.

No, you know, but that

bitch.

Yeah, it's Phyllis.

Mindy Kaling.

No, Mindy Kaling looks like a regular eggplant.

Instead of rotting eggplant.

Angela.

No,

come on.

The fat one.

No,

Phyllis.

No, that's the old bitch.

The one that with the f dog face.

Oh, the redhead.

Yeah, the one that looks like a bully from Arthur.

Yeah, yeah.

Nah, man.

Her whole thing is

like a drunk.

But she's a drunk, so, you know, she gets drunk.

The character gets drunk, sucks you off at an office party with a a lampshade over your head and your ties real loose.

You know, that sounds pretty good to me.

True dot, yeah.

No, so I saw a quiet Oscar.

I should say it's not as good as people are pretending it is.

I really

are saying it's like amazing, and it's not, it's really not.

Yeah, it's signs, it's the same exact movie.

Oh, damn, dude.

So it's a place where

you make noise, then these monsters will eat you.

Oh, so you have to be quiet.

But guess what their weakness is?

Water?

Nope.

Oxygen?

Loud noises.

Oh.

Like a screeching.

Yeah, it's like feedback.

The deaf girl's hearing aid blows up their heads or whatever.

So they just go, oh, damn.

But the hearing aid to this microphone,

the sound of feedback will blow up their heads.

And it's like, there's zero chance that nobody figured that out.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, what about guns, too?

Could they?

Yeah, eventually the guns, yeah, but they're mostly impervious to guns.

Guns also work because they screech at it and then they just blow the thing's head off with a shotgun.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But don't guns make loud noises?

It's like they didn't, they were like, we're not even going to bother really with an explanation or like where these things came from.

We're not going to worry about like the technical aspects or like the obvious flaws as to why this one noise, you know, does it.

But then there's nothing to

justify that.

You know, I mean, like, I don't care about this family, really.

They never really talk.

Are they sexy?

They're too sexy too.

I guess, but it's mostly Krasinski.

Emily Blunt.

It's mostly Krasinski.

They're together in real life, right?

Like sad puppy faces the whole time.

But you know, that's his go-to family.

Because Dwight did something retarded.

Good for him figuring out a way to both to make dumb faces and get paid twice.

Yeah, it's just this.

It's all

this look, the whole movie.

He does the voiceover on like half of the commercials on TA.

He's so rich.

He's rich as fuck.

Should we fucking him and John Hamm.

John Hamm does a lot of voiceover.

John Ham's got a good-ass voice, though.

Yeah.

Great voice.

He's got a better voice than Jim.

Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

John Ham.

Yeah.

That's not how he sounds.

John Ham.

I did him.

I'm John Hamm.

I think I did John Ham.

Do it.

I want to

get a redheads titties for

the world of Coke.

Why would you have sex with a man?

That's good.

That's good.

Yeah.

Why would you insert your dick into another man's ass?

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

He's not as good as mine, but it's close.

Why is he friends with a lot of guys?

Why would a person be?

He just was.

Did he do stand-up?

I think he just liked comedy.

Did he just hang out?

Like, before he was famous, he was like, he played poker with Doug Benson and shit.

It's so weird.

He used to play strip poker with Doug Benson.

And he fucked my ass.

Wait, he did?

He fucked your own ass?

Yes.

John?

I don't know.

If I listen to him, I'm pretty sure I can do that.

That was pretty good.

That was pretty good.

It was a little too deep.

It's a little like Bill from the fucking...

What's that shit?

Bill Buffalo Bill.

you're a little too deep no it sounded like a little you're a little too deep

with your little Greek ass

of the lambs the fucking Ken Levine is that his name no you sounded a little bit like no country for old men

oh yeah Javier

Vicky why would you

be gay

I can't do him anymore all right that that's another guy heads or tails yeah I'm gay this

This is your lucky dollop of semen.

Don't put it in your pocket where it will become just more semen

with all the other semen you keep in your pocket.

Which it is.

Hell yeah.

But I don't have any cum in my pocket.

Yeah.

I don't know.

There's people that only kind of have a distinct voice, and they're the hardest to do.

Yeah.

Like them.

Like that Michael Shannon thing I was trying to do.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You did

Dustin Hoffman really well.

Yeah, but that's an people have like impressions are easy to do when someone's broken them.

What about

impression a million times?

Everyone can do it.

Ahem.

Suck me off, man.

Yeah.

Oh, definitely.

That's the same thing as brain man.

Brain man.

Yeah, dude.

Nothing wrong with a little going back to the good stuff.

One guy trying to get his dick sucked.

Yeah.

This fall, a retarded man tries to have sex.

What's another one?

I am Sam, maybe a daughter trying to get a retarded dad

pussy to calm him down.

These shoes wide up.

Radio.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Cuba.

Gooding.

Penis.

Junior's already a pretty retarded name.

Yeah.

Penis Gooding Jr.

There you go.

Penis Gooding Jr.

Cuba.

Puba.

Cuba.

Puba.

Pussy Eating Jr.

Yes, he hasn't been in anything in a long time, I feel like.

Kubring Jr.?

Yeah.

Yeah, not really.

What's up with Kuba?

What's he?

What's he got?

Him and John Krasinski are married.

Really?

Yeah.

Have you seen that movie with him and Horatio Sands where they actually go on a gay boat cruise?

Yes, I was just going to bring that up.

Yeah, it's really good.

Who's that sexy-ass Latina woman that was in like every movie for a while?

Yeah, she was in it.

Yeah.

She was in everything for like

six years.

Yeah, yeah.

She was hot as she was.

She was so hot.

Yeah.

She was getting like all of Catherine Zeta Jones' roles when she became like a serious actress.

It's

so sexy.

No.

Before Ava,

there was like a weird period where this woman was the hot Latina.

No.

Fuck.

I beat off to her so much.

I don't remember her name, though.

That's a story of my life, dude.

Because I beat off to you so much.

But now I can't remember your name.

That'd be funny, like a singer-songwriter that would just write songs about women he jacked off.

Like a James Teller on Facebook.

And now I forgot what your Instagram name was.

Ever since you got married, changed your name.

Ever since I saw you with that picture of that black fella, and suddenly I couldn't beat off to your summer vacation from two years ago, and we never met.

You were suggested follow

two girls deep that I also lurked with my friend Brian.

One of you was tagged in a picture with my friend Brian from the Sherwin Williams.

And I found you.

You know, it's like scrolling through.

When I go to write music, it's like, what is love?

you know, because there's a lot of different kinds of love.

There's love you have for a child or a parent or a wife.

And then there's the kind of love you have for a woman who you've never met before that you just masturbate to

her Instagram pictures in the bathroom at Chevy's while you're on a date with a bunch of fat ones.

And you can't do any better.

So you go, you just listen to that dumb bitch talk about some deal she got at Michael's on hands.

And you just, you say, fuck my life.

And you go in the bathroom, you pull up Instagram.

You just beat your fucking dick off right there in that single stall bathroom.

You're like, my question was about your tour for next summer.

Oh, yeah.

We'll be in Peoria

July 15th.

I guess it's just about being an artist, you know.

Remember watching those interviews with

the fucking, what's his goddamn name?

The Brooks.

Ronnie Brooks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He just made absolutely no sense.

Yeah, talking about that.

No, Kicks Brooks.

Ronnie Dunn.

Ronnie Dunn.

Ronnie Dunn.

Yeah, yeah.

We've got to do it.

Brooks and Dunn.

You're just mad because you didn't see the video.

No, I don't give a fuck at all, but you've mentioned it like five times.

He was just naming different cities.

They were like, what is

Nashville?

Where does your music come from?

He's like, well, I'll tell you, San Antonio is.

You think I spent a lot of time in Texas.

You're going to go Oklahoma.

Yeah.

Maybe El Paso.

You know, but always, you know, I mean, you got Arizona.

Just mentally.

Let's start our band.

We talked about it.

You got to get a drum kid.

I got to get tambourine.

I got to get an amp, too.

I'm going to get a little tambourine.

Tambourine, you'll be a Jim Blossom's cover band.

I'm going to be the little tambourine.

You can be the least singer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what?

How's.

Just a fat ass stock dancing around a stage with a tambourine.

Hey, Jeffy.

I got a question.

When you want to suck my little dick.

What is that?

I don't remember that song, Tambourine.

Hey, Tambourine, man, play a song for me.

What song can someone play with just a tambourine?

Yeah, get him.

Yeah.

Fuck you, Bob Dylan.

Tell that fucking piece of shit.

How about Slob Knob Dylan?

Oh,

got him, dude.

The worst thing in the world.

The worst kind of busker in New York City is like the guy at the G, the LG stop on Lorimer Metropolitan.

Your mic's fucking up.

And that clearly moved to New York to, like, be Bob Dylan.

Yeah, yeah.

And then he's just, like, busking on the subway.

He's got that hope in his eyes, like, he's going to make it.

He's wearing a fucking like suede leather jacket.

That's so sad.

Yeah.

It's about Fob Dylan, you know, and it's like a fresh officer.

The Fob Dylan Asian person.

I was thinking it's a guy who can get you into any

wild horses.

That's

the ruling.

Yeah, but it's he also did it.

Wouldn't it be Wired Horses?

Yeah, Wardy.

Wired, wired horse.

Hell yeah, take that, you freaky.

Nobody ever comes to your restaurant anymore

because they found out you were serving rat.

I don't believe any of them do that, man.

Panda Express got caught doing it.

Rat?

Rat?

Yeah, or cats or something.

No, Panda Express.

Panda Express.

A giant corporate entity.

Panda Express is like a McDonald's.

It's just like frozen shit.

Panda Express.

There's like 22 different locations.

They had like no way.

No way.

I'm going to look it up right now.

Where's my phone?

I like

the Dick Express.

What the hell?

Shut up, Siri.

Oh, that's hilarious.

No, I didn't say Siri.

Thought I said, Where am I?

Oh, no.

That's a question you can ask Siri.

What is my name?

That's another one.

Panda X.

How big is my dick, Siri?

Panda X.

How big is my dick?

Oh, never mind.

It won't tell me.

Here we go.

Let's go.

11 things you might not know about Panda Express.

Yeah, they don't serve.

Here we go.

Fact check.

Cat and Chinese food.

Fact check.

Totally 100% true.

Snopes.

Alright.

Do Chinese serve cat fuck.

That's Chinese people, not the nice, proud American and Mexican people working at

Panda Express.

Panda Express sucks, dude.

Yeah, it's not bad.

No, it sucks.

Go to any Chinese restaurant.

It's better.

Well, what if you're in a neighborhood?

My mom used to say that when I was a kid.

She's like,

you know, cats have been missing around the neighborhood.

So, first of all, what do you mean cats have been missing?

Yeah, do you keep tabs on all these strains?

You don't have friends.

The cats are going to the Chinese.

Well, hold on now.

Snopes is not saying that no Chinese restaurants do this.

See?

See?

And that shows

you that Snopes is incorrect because we know for a fact that there is no way the Chinese people.

I know.

I thought that it was dog, not cat.

Same shit, cat.

Dogs are meatier, you know?

Yeah.

They got more.

It's raining cats and dog bone.

There was some racist joke where it was like, it's raining.

I told him it was raining cats and dogs, and he went out, I don't know, with a grocery bag or something like that.

Someone can figure that out.

Do you remember that movie about that

Jewish kid that went to go play football at Notre Dame?

Brandon Fraser?

With Brandon Fraser.

Judy?

What was the?

Was it Judy?

Is the name of the movie?

Yeah.

But they were like, yeah, the Air Force said there was gold in the skies.

Judy, you're too cheap to play football.

And then they got in a fight.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He's too cheap to play football.

Then, when they do the coin toss at the beginning, he's always stealing.

Grabs out of the air and just fucking runs.

Judy, no.

Look, someone put a stopwatch on that boy's 40.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they timed him after he stole it.

That's how they discovered it

in the coin toss.

Someone stole it and ran.

And that old Newt Rockney says, boy, I saw you running with that penny.

So what they started doing was just putting a shiny quarter to touch at the end zone, handing him the ball.

I love that, dude.

The kid is too Jewish to put ball in Notre Dame.

Why did you bring that up?

Because that was the same

kind of joke.

Yeah.

Whatever.

When have you been the most?

Has there ever been like real anti-Semitism that you have?

That doesn't exist.

No, there's no such thing as anti-Semitism.

I'm serious.

It doesn't exist.

There's not a moment in a cult that says the.

Not in America.

I mean, if you live in France, maybe,

then that's like an issue.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck, they got picked up on the mic.

Oh, fuck.

Nick said that anti-Semitism doesn't exist in America.

And then Siri said, you seem very certain.

Oh, dude.

These Jews have Apple now, too.

That's what I mean.

That's literally how much power they have.

My technology,

the panopticon of Apple's fucking

surveillance.

That's not one of our companies.

Yeah,

they're all your companies.

Ever see those anti-BDS things that are like, oh, you want to boycott Israel?

Better stop drinking water.

Y'all better not wear those glasses anymore.

Yeah, you can't use

Pentium chips.

Oh, you like BDS?

Well,

that air you're breathing.

We've

trademarked it.

How's BDS doing?

Good, bad?

Are they still trying to make it look good?

I don't think, I mean, I don't think

squeeze there?

No.

Did you see those type of stuff?

Did you see those pictures of like they're like those like

those sniper sort of perches?

Yo, did they

kill a journalist or some shit?

Yeah, they killed journalists.

Yeah.

There's like in outside of Gaza, there's like a sniper perch, and like these like just regular Israeli people went to go sit up there and like watch the Palestinians getting shot.

Jesus Christ.

Fucked up.

And then the New York Times is like, Donald Trump disrespected a hot dog stand clerk by wiping his mouth.

You know,

why are we reading this story?

Well,

one article, like, Israel does what it has to.

I don't think that the Times is as much of an apologist for Israel.

The Times isn't, I mean, in the grand scheme of things,

as bad as they could be.

But, I mean, the coverage is always,

as aggressive and critical as they got was probably like two years ago.

And then for the most part, it goes like, especially with Trump, like it's ignored.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Well, the other thing is, like, there's a lot of questions surrounding Syria about like whether they did this just for Israel, kind of.

What, the gassing?

No, like, chemical bombing.

No,

no, no, no bombing Syria.

Probably.

Who knows?

I don't know.

I don't care anymore about being smart.

I already did my I-24 interview.

Is that the Israeli television?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

That guy emailed me.

Philip?

I got emailing back.

He's the man.

Anyway, guys.

This podcast is brought to you by Tates Cookies.

Oh, hell yeah.

Really?

Can you give me Tates?

From Southampton, George.

I'm going to start doing free advertising for companies in the hopes that they'll send me free shit.

So if you know anybody that works at Tates, let them know that they got a huge shout-out from

Comtown.

Tell them to send me free cookies.

Okamoto condoms.

The best condoms.

Really?

No, I just bought a bunch of Japanese condoms?

Yeah, tiny Japanese condoms.

Okamoto.

So they make small ones?

They're not that good, actually, but I got them on sale at Amazon, and me and my friend, it became a meme.

So I want to be sponsored by Okamoto.

And they're pink, so it's pretty funny.

That's hilarious.

Your dick is pink as hell when you put it in.

Big, pink dick.

Big pink honking ass cock.

That's tight.

Why don't you suck me off?

I'm gay.

I'm trying to think of a company I really respect that I want to give a shout out to.

I guess Yeezy Shoes.

Funions.

If I can get free Funions, that's pretty cool.

That's not bad.

Why do you use condom stuff?

You know, they do nothing, right?

What the fuck?

They protect against STIs.

It's a complete waste of time.

That is insane.

You had herpes.

I went to get tested a couple weeks ago at the New York City clinic, and they have like in the lobby, they have like all these videos that are made by the city about microphones.

All these is this better?

Yeah, something like that.

All these videos that are made by the city to like in like educate people on sex things, but they're like made for different demographics.

So there's like a gay Spanish one,

there's like a lesbian English one, and they show all the videos.

But the gay Spanish one was hilarious'cause there was she's like big fat drag queen, she's like singing about prep.

Iraq.

No, I love the the stock ad where they like the

print ads for prep that are, they just use stock photography.

So it'll be like a black woman that thinks she's going to be like,

you know, featured an ad for a community college.

And it's like, you probably have HIV.

You got to get your fat pussy checked.

They're marketing it to straight people now, too.

Yeah, of course they are because they probably got shit for, yeah, they want to sell more, but it's also, it's like, that's how HIV became such a problem is they pretended like it was just a gay problem.

Well, they didn't address it because it's just a gay problem, yeah, right.

And then when it hurt one little straight boy, they're like, everyone can get it.

And then there's like a disparity in the,

I mean, you should treat it as a little straight boy, you should treat it as a kid, a kid who uh Elton Jones sang about Ryan or uh Ryan White, Ryan Dunn, Ryan Ash, Ryan Dunn, Ryan Dunn and A.

Yeah, from Jackass.

That's why, hey, I'm jackass, and this is don't use a condom.

So April's sleeping right now.

I'm going to hit her raw while she's asleep.

Well, no, it's like, because people got upset because, you know, you want to say HIV is like a gay thing, but it's like the transmission rates are higher if you're having fucking anal sex.

Same thing with like intravenous drug users, and then it does disproportionately affect like the black community.

So like,

there's no reason why you shouldn't pay attention to those issues and like just say, hey, heads up, if you're in like a high-risk group, you should pay more attention.

Of course, of course.

So by saying like, oh, it's like a problem that everyone deals with, it kind of you're not paying enough attention or

notifying the right people you're all lives mattering aids basically yes essentially in in the in an effort to like not make people feel discriminated so what you're saying is that if there's a woman that's HIV positive and you fuck her

raw no condom you did literally the number is you is a one in a thousand chance

so EZE was gay probably most likely no didn't suggest inject him with AIDS now if you have that would happen.

Yeah, if you have, like, let's say, if you have like herpes and you have open sores and you fuck a woman who is HIV positive, the numbers skyrocket because you have like, you know, an open wound.

Right.

Otherwise, yeah.

I mean, it's like.

Well, also, if you have a foreskin, because foreskin skin is

meat is like more absorbent of AIDS juice.

Yeah, that's why Stav has

a skill.

He's certainly not going to go to the gym.

Right.

So he's got to lose weight one way or the other.

That's why I use condoms because I'm not losing my skin.

Yeah.

And also, I don't want other

STDs.

I'm not trying to get gonorrhea.

Yeah.

I'm Will Keith here for AIDS awareness.

I have my braids.

And I'm trying to get AIDS.

Okay.

Well,

we're out of time here.

I feel like there's something else I wanted to talk about.

Oh, Gundams.

Yeah.

What do you think about Gundams?

Premature.

Premature blackulation.

Blackulation.

I don't know.

That was kind of in the moment earlier.

That was good.

Yeah, just getting it on camera is good.

Yeah, getting it on camera.

Damn, dude.

I'm so aware of what's going on and the words that are coming out of your mouth.

I don't give a fuck.

Yeah.

My nuts are too heavy.

Yeah.

I got to get back to designing t-shirts.

I finally figured out what was wrong with my tablet.

What was it?

There's too much other men's.

If you're listening out there and you have an Apple computer and you have a Wacom tablet, and there's an issue with sort strokes

causing some kind of jitter, you got to set the double-click distance to off, and then it stops doing it.

Oh, because it thinks you're double-clicking.

Yeah, that was the problem.

That was the fucking problem.

That's why I only do those long strokes.

You know what?

I wish I could do a Joey Pants impression.

Oh, yeah.

Joey Pantigliano.

Pantigliano?

Yeah, yeah.

That would be.

Yeah.

Listen, tone.

No, I got to work that.

That is close.

Hey.

Tone.

listen, yeah, yeah, tone.

That's crazy.

I could get there, you know.

I'll figure it out.

I'll spend a lot of private time.

Say, she was uh, say, uh,

trying an impression that I haven't figured out yet is probably the most humiliating thing.

That's good.

It's hard, it's hard to do that.

We'll name her after you.

Oh, it's me, Barack Obama.

I'm uh Ryan Shaw,

and I'm gay.

I don't know why that's so funny.

Just doing

Ryan has Obama, but he's also gay.

Oh, man.

I can't wait for it to be goddamn summer.

I'm going to get one of those too.

You want to go over to Home Depot with me after this, Adam?

I got to get some whole saws, and I was thinking about getting one of those little hibachi girls.

Oh,

I got to clean the house.

No, you don't.

Clean the house.

You can clean my apartment instead.

I'm not trying to clean your apartment.

There's a bunch of sawdust everywhere.

But

I will go over.

Did you get a rug?

I chose one.

Yeah?

Is it nice?

Yeah, it's the one upstairs.

Which one?

The red one?

The very bottom.

No, the very bottom Persian one.

The big one.

Ooh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know which one.

That's Sagura.

I have a shot.

Okay.

We're actually going to have that router table sent here.

Max, give me the okay on that.

The router.

You're going to set it up in the backyard?

Yeah, maybe you're downstairs in the basement where you tight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can cut some

potatoes and rabbits.

I need to make shelves, hanging shelves.

Yeah.

We'll talk about it.

I want shelves too.

No, let's talk about it now.

This is also a woodworking podcast.

Okay, yeah.

Well, I got all these books.

Dasha brought all these books.

Yeah.

Because she's a fucking nerd, dude.

Speed reader.

How to date somebody that's got a small dick

for nerds.

How to fake cum.

Because your boyfriend's got a small

bust quick.

Clit-like dick.

A clit-like dick.

He's so wet.

Constantly coming during sex.

A slow, steady stream.

Enveloping your little ass dick.

Yeah.

We also have Funny Moms on the 23rd.

Funny Moms on the 23rd.

Yes.

And we're trying to, we kind of want to just do kind of an impromptu show in Baltimore the first weekend.

First weekend in May.

Somebody sent me free tickets to go see the orchestra at Carnegie Hall.

Whoa, how many tickets?

Just two.

Oh, okay.

You're going with.

I was going to bring you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know I like cultivation.

Of course.

Yeah.

I mean, I know you didn't want to go.

Oh, I love the orchestras.

I love orchestras.

Yeah, me and Adam are going to the orchestra.

I'm going to go with like that.

Look, I love that.

Don't pretend like this didn't happen, but just today I privately invited you to Chinese Buffet, just the two of us.

That's true.

I know the different hangs.

Me and Adam go to the orchestra and we play catch together.

You and me, we go to Chinese Buffet and we go to Indian Buffet.

Different kinds.

You're right, man.

No, you're right about that.

I do want to get a catch going, too.

Yeah, let's do that today.

Let's just go to fucking Model.

Let's go to Models.

Let's go to Model's right now and get gloves.

Let's go to Modells.

I mean, it's fucking figured out.

Yeah, shit.

I'm trying to throw it.

It's not that nice today.

It's not that nice around today, but if we will be smacking it.

It will be.

I don't want to waste the good day going and getting gloves.

I lost my glove last night.

Baseball's gay, dude.

No, but having a catch.

Having a catch is fucking fun as shit.

You guys who like your father.

You know what's a lot of fun is you get a bunch of tennis balls and you get like four or five people and you just home run derby.

That I'm on board with.

That I'm on board with.

I'm in there.

We should get a home run derby.

I love smacking smacking big dongs.

Let's get a home run derby gone.

Yeah, are there fields at Von King?

Yep.

Yeah.

There's one.

Let's do it.

Yeah, just kick all the little black kids off there on a nice.

They're not playing baseball.

They're not playing baseball.

They're not playing baseball.

They're playing that stupid game where you have to hit a racquetball with your hand against a wall.

Kick the little Dominican kids out.

No.

Well, I'm going to put them to work.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I'm going to start them training.

Spring training, boys.

You guys got this baseball thing in your blood.

You got to appreciate it.

Yeah.

What you have.

So, anyway, if you have a venue with like 300 seats,

gotta go to home.

All right, Scott, I think that's it.

I gotta go to home.

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