Ep. 98 – Adam’s birthday

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I usually do this, start with a straight bar because I think it's a great exercise,

both for building strength, but also for keeping

the mobility in the biceps, you know.

You have to have good flexibility to be able to do it.

And then after that, I usually start in the bottom of the rack,

making five to ten reps in each, and increasing the weight until I fail to hit six, seven reps.

So, Magnus, what's all the time?

You're listening to the Real Ass Dude podcast.

I'm Louis J.

Gomez,

joined by Zach Amico, the Puerto Rican sniper,

and my girlfriend, Kim Something.

Hi.

Shut up, bitch.

I'm just kidding.

We were laughing.

Me and Kim were laughing earlier.

I was beating her in public.

I guess.

I don't know.

I was good.

That was some good satire on our part.

Yeah, it was.

Taking down some rivals, dude.

Yeah.

We spoke truth to power.

A real powerful podcast.

Hey, big boys, big arms, big muscles.

Should we do easy lift?

Should we do Cumfest the same weekend as Skankfest?

Yeah, yeah.

We were supposed to get a Skankfest offer, and then we didn't.

Nice.

Wow.

Wow, that's fucking that's war, dude.

Wow, Rescinded.

How dare they?

Come Fest.

What weekend is Skank Fest?

You heard it here first, folks.

We're doing Cum Fest, sponsored by Monster Energy, whatever weekend Skankfest is.

And that botulism cold brew coffee company.

We're going to skip the coffee and just give you botulism straight up.

The creek is going to catch on fire and a bunch of people are going to burn to death.

And that's how

the

that's the end of it.

I did the live

podfest.

No, no, no.

You listen.

I know.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was abysmal.

What's that?

Are you opening my mail?

I'm opening my mail, you fucking.

Oh, Adam, here's your chance to open his mail.

Don't open my mail.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're going to get stabbed.

Stop.

Ow.

Don't wield knives.

Oh, fuck.

Icy, lick that up.

How many times do I have to ask you not to wield knives in my house?

Well,

what are you opening, man?

The check for Mac Weldon.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Nice.

$4 million.

Yeah.

You were going to get a cut until you so rudely pulled my mail away from me.

Now you're going to get cut.

You know what I mean?

Get a little slice.

Dude, do not slice me.

Do not, are you threatening to circumcise me because I gave Adam your mail?

Yeah.

Do not do that.

Nothing gives me more of a thrill than breaking a federal law.

I got to change

my address.

Oh, yeah.

New address.

Shit.

Yeah, my bank.

Oh, yeah.

You could just do that online.

No, you can't.

You have to go into the branch and

the bank.

I thought you meant like forwarding.

No, I already did all that.

Anyways, so

let's get into it.

Of course.

Black Panther surpasses Titanic in the box office.

Dude, that's right.

And you know what?

I'm just going to say it, dude.

This is bullshit.

Of course it is.

This is fucking bullshit.

I mean, look, the representation is fine.

Yeah.

Do not do better than Titanic.

Not Titanic.

Don't disrespect.

Never be the James Cameron movie.

That's white greatness right there.

Well, it's women.

White excellence.

It's slut.

It's white women.

It's slut excellence.

Yeah.

You know, Rhodes fucked so good she got the do you have to call Judge Mathis your black excellency

when you're in court?

Him and Judge Joe Brown.

Look, I already explained, your Black Excellency, that

the rent, we agreed it was a verb.

We had a verbal contract.

I love people do that.

All those small claim shows, they think we had a verbal contract.

A verbal contract, yeah.

Yeah.

Which means someone lied to me.

Judge Mathis is in the Black Panther.

He's.

Really?

Yeah, he's the head of the Supreme Court.

I used to be a Black Panther, and now I'm a judge.

Was he a Black Panther, actually?

Judge Mathis?

No, he was a criminal.

He was in a gang.

Yeah, so he was a Black Panther.

A hoodlum.

Take that.

Right, guys?

Yeah.

That terrorist organization.

Right?

So, what happens in Black Panther?

It's the Hutus and the Tootsies.

And they're like squaring off.

Living it up in the Hotel Rahunda.

Hotel Wakanda.

Such a dark-ass place.

Such a dark-ass place.

What was the guy's name in it?

Don Cheadle.

Please bring me my Swisher Sweets.

Yeah.

He said, we haven't had that spirit here since, I don't know, 1975.

When that app came out where you can change people's races, and then they took that option away after three days because they were like, this is just a blackface app.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Someone did me, and I looked a lot like Don Cheadle.

I saw that picture.

I looked like Den Check.

I thought ugly.

I looked like Don Cheadle.

You look like an ugly black guy.

Don Cheadle's a movie star boogie with a lot of charisma.

You look like an ugly guy, an ugly black guy with a fucked-up Junos.

But Don Cheadle has sort of.

Yes, he does.

If you look closer, now you kind of look like Morgan Freeman playing a sharecropper.

Yeah, the one that's ratting out the other sharecroppers for trying to free themselves from that

fucked up economic situation.

Yeah, that's true.

That's the look in your eyes.

Morgan Freeman has like stuff on his face, right?

Yeah.

Didn't he fuck his daughter or stepdaught or granddaughter or something?

He fucked his daughter and his stepdaughter.

He's the greatest actor.

And seriously, though, because Woody Allen's getting it big time for his Jewish crimes.

Morgan Freeman had sex with his whole family.

Seriously, didn't he do something like something weird?

I thought he did, for real.

This isn't ringing the bell to either, you motherfucker.

No, I don't remember that at all.

I think he fucked.

Yeah, he fucked someone bad.

He fucked someone bad?

Someone that he should not have fucked.

Whoa.

Yeah, you're right.

You're not wrong.

Thank you.

There was a weird thing he did where he slid it into a

younger.

Yeah.

And we just let him get a pass because he's got that good voice.

Incredible voice.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's fucking people I'm not related to.

The first time I saw my stepdaughter, I knew I was going to fuck her.

Well now, Miss Dufran,

why don't you come over here and take a seat right on my couch?

Why do they call you red?

Well, take a look at it.

Oh, that is red.

It's pretty red.

A black ass dick, the reddest dickhead you've ever seen in your life.

This is how Santa Claus finds his way into Mrs.

Claus's pussy.

My cock

he has to do that because the women he fucks still believe in Santa Claus.

There's no way he can relate to them.

The first time I had sex with my daughter, I knew

it's just, it's like a different Shawshank that's just for sex offenders.

That morning we cleaned the roof, and because we did such a good job, the warden brought us all a bunch of frosty child pornography.

Nothing like a

nice cool glass of suds while masturbating the child pornography on the roof of the

home for the criminally pedophilic

Shawshank, Alabama.

Criminally pedophilic.

Yeah, not me.

I'm not a criminally.

I'm not criminally pedophilic.

Did you get away with it?

I dabble pedophilic with me.

The hobbyist.

I'm a hobbyist, pedophilic.

Yeah, so you know what?

Adam, why aren't the Jews sort of like, hey, you guys are taking our guy down?

We should take down the ball.

What about you, Freeman?

Yeah.

Because we're natural criminal defense attorneys.

That's true.

You're making too much money keeping him out of the home for the money.

We're not trying to take the money out of our pockets.

How about a movie in a little defense racket?

How about a movie where Sean Penn's character from Carluto's Way, Kleinfeld, is roommates with Sean Penn's character from I.M.

Sam?

Yes.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

That's the one where he has like an afro, right?

He looks like Carluto.

Yeah, he plays.

He looks like Phil.

He looks like Phil.

He's playing Phil, basically.

It's Sean Penn being like, oh, boy, Carlito, I'm on a real jam here.

It's like, why didn't they just hire a Jewish actor?

This doesn't make any sense.

I thought he nailed it.

It was very anti-Semitic, which is, I'm guessing what they were going for.

Yeah, I mean,

the movie is an Italian playing a Puerto Rican and then like an Irish guy playing a Jew.

Right.

And he already had Pacino play a Cuban in another movie.

In Starface.

Yeah, I love that line in Carluto's way when he's like, he's like, I just know that if they catch my Puerto Rican ass

1287th Street,

fuck my Puerto Rican ass.

I think that's right around the time where

I think that's right around the time where he got bad, like where he just screamed.

I remember seeing Carlito's Way when I was a teenager, and I was like, awesome.

Of course.

It's boobs, scuns.

Carlito's Way was in there in the boy John Leguizamo.

It was on HBO a lot.

I straight up love John Leguizamo.

Me too, man.

Yeah, me too.

When he shows up in John Wick, the first time I saw it, hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

I love John Legwizzamo.

That little ass mustache.

Salute.

I met him on a player.

Is that punk?

Look, I work with your father, all right?

I don't know you.

That movie's the best movie.

My favorite movie is Kill Bill, and my second favorite movie is John Wick.

Yeah.

Really?

I thought your favorite movie was Ice Cream.

It's not God.

Some favorite movie is the Let's All Go to the Lobby to Get Ourselves a Snack video.

Yeah.

This is going to be

clapping loudly.

Did you cry when you were a little kid watching Willy Wonka when the kid fell in the chocolate river?

Yeah, I wore

it.

You know how cops have that blue armband?

Yeah, yeah.

I wore one of those for that guy

for Augustus.

For your fallen brother.

Yep.

Your fallen German brother.

Also, you know, it was a big moment for me when Fat Bastard was on the screen.

I cried.

You felt that?

That was representation.

Did you think that that was like Fat Face, though?

Because he was wearing a suit?

No, it was just not.

You know, it was a start.

It was a start.

It wasn't perfect.

Yeah.

Kind of like Apu, how Indians feel about Apu.

Yeah.

They're like, how one specific Indian feels about Apu.

Did something happen with Apu?

They addressed it in one of the news.

I don't know what it was.

What did they say?

I don't know.

I didn't watch.

Apparently, it was like Lisa was like, fuck, fuck Hindus.

And then she sucked off a cow.

Yeah.

Marge, did you know Apu is a black man now?

Oh, homie, that's great.

Yeah, he's a black man and he's president.

Welcome to season 30, everybody.

He was born a woman, though.

He's trans black man.

Yeah, were they going to kill the character?

Because

Tim Dillon texted me and

he showed me something that Hari had said about, like, you know, they shouldn't kill off a poo, that he should be competing with Mr.

Burns.

What?

Oh, as like a billionaire?

As a billionaire.

Oh, cool.

That's awesome.

That's a good solution.

But keep the white guy voicing him.

Isn't that the central problem?

That's the only problem, isn't that?

No,

the problem is that the show isn't called the Apu Show, and it's about Apu's life as a stand-up comedian that's also a millionaire, but he's also kind of allowed to say the N-word.

And like, because he's he's a brown guy.

So Kanye on the table saying the N-word, casually on the table.

Exactly the same.

Right.

Parents make both eas easy, you know, two hundred thousand dollars a year.

It's doctors.

Uh-huh.

Fucking.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Oh, that was the problem.

I thought it was was because it was Hank Azari who was doing the voice.

No, Hank Azaria is not even in the documentary.

Really?

No.

Nice.

Yeah, I think he refused to be in it.

Good.

Good for you.

You know what?

Hank was Grayton?

His net worth came Polly.

His net worth has got to be like $60 million.

Who?

Hankery.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Hank Azari.

Hank Azari.

Everybody in The Simpsons is rich as hell, right?

He's so funny in the birdcage, too, where he plays.

Their house boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot that was.

Holy shit.

I love that movie.

He's amazing.

I think the only movie that Dan Castellanetta is in that I can think of is he's just sitting in a lawyer's office in War of the Roses.

He's just sitting there reacting to

whatever the lawyers.

The lawyers just, yeah.

Boy, that's terrible.

You ever see that movie?

No, what is that?

About a divorce or something?

Yeah, I think it's Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner.

I think so.

Kathleen Turner, Ben's aunt.

Ben's aunt, yeah.

When she had her fastball.

Yeah.

And then titties was looking right.

Yeah, they have a marriage, and the marriage is nice at first, then it gets bad, and then they destroy their house together.

Do they fuck at the end?

Neither of them will.

He won't sign the divorce papers or something, or they just hate each other.

Yeah, I should watch that.

I like movies about divorce where white people's lives are getting destroyed.

Kramer vs.

Kramer vs.

Kramer.

Kramer vs.

Kramer is a great movie.

Yeah, it is a good movie.

What, you want the orange juice?

What, your mom didn't make your mom made orange juice different than this?

I'm sorry that this isn't the orange juice the way you wanted it.

I'm not a good father for you.

Is that what you're saying to me, you little faggot?

That's what happens in the man.

He pulls his dick out or whatever.

Didn't he get me too?

Yeah.

Who, Dustin Hoffman?

Yeah, yeah.

You pretend to be Rain Man.

Yeah,

definitely a nice pair of 30 sperm.

Definitely a nice.

Please suck my penis.

Suck this.

I got 32 sperms in your push in your mouth.

Can I rape you?

Please let me rape you.

Yeah, very good nipples.

I got very good nipples.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Very brown asshole.

Very, very bright.

You got a very brown asshole.

I want to tongue your asshole.

That was like.

Damn, that is the best.

That was when I was going to do that for an hour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman.

Can a retarded man get head from strangers?

What the hell is wrong with you, Bray?

Brain man.

Brain man.

New line since presents a touching story story about a retarded man that just wants to get his dick sucked.

Definitely a nice power lips on that bitch over there, Ray.

Definitely a nice.

No, his name is Ray.

Yeah, whatever.

It doesn't matter.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, can I suck that woman's tits?

God damn it, Ray.

I didn't bring you to Vegas to fuck whores.

Yes, you did.

Oh, right.

I did.

Brain man.

There's no other plot.

He's just takes a retarded guy to fuck a whore whore in Vegas.

That's definitely some good pussy.

Duff a layer.

Oh, shit.

I love Brain Man.

Damn, that's a good.

Yeah, because if you pretend you're retarded, you can just plead criminally pedophilic.

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

She's eight.

I didn't know she was eight, Charlie.

Are you kidding me?

Numbers are the only thing you understand.

God damn it, Ray.

You love counting and fucking.

How the hell did you fuck this up?

That definitely got my dick too hard.

Definitely was too horny.

God damn.

We should start our own movie studio where we make Brain Man.

We make Brain Man happen.

We just take turns playing Dustin Hoffman.

It's just different actors.

It's like that Mitchell and Weblook sketch where the two actors can't decide who gets to be Sherlock Holmes and who gets to be Watson.

Oh, that's hilarious.

And so, like, every time the camera changes, they've switched.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's hilarious.

Damn, that was basically the bit I was going for in my head.

Yeah.

No, that's funny.

They're funnier than you, and it's a good show.

Yeah, they're not funnier.

Mitchell and Weblook is better than Peep Show.

I know that you can't really compare.

I disagree.

Of course, you disagree.

Well, what's a sketch show?

What's a sitcom?

I was literally just saying you you can't really compare the two because they're different genres, but Mitchell and Weblook is funnier.

I don't know.

Peep show, I think, is a masterpiece.

Yeah.

It is good as hell.

It's so funny.

I got something funny for you right here.

What's that?

Motherfucking clown-ass dick.

You got that.

Clown ass dick.

I got that Morgan Freebie big-ass shoes on my

balls.

Your balls have big ass shoes.

You have that Patch Adams nose at the end of your dick.

A lot of big red dick episode.

Definitely a red dick.

The first time I saw it, bro.

Wow, Prazo.

Why are you in here?

When did you get in?

Yeah, when Brain Man came into the prison, I knew I was going to fuck him.

What's your name?

Candy Duframe?

Definitely a good nickname for me.

Holy fuck.

The strawberry name.

Yeah, folks, that's why you play the games for Candy Dufran.

Wow.

That's what you do it for, man.

The Strawberry Short Shank Prison.

The Strawberry Short Shank Redemption.

Come on in here.

There's some good pussy over here.

When Candy Dufrane first came into Charles.

It wasn't until he was raped by the sisters.

Yeah, the sisters.

The gay villains.

The gay villains.

Perfect metaphor for sisters.

Wasn't it Dustin Hoffman kind of set up in Me Too though?

It wasn't like it happened like 50 years ago and he said like hi or he grabbed a woman.

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean he was just like a literal fucking celebrity just getting easy pussy and you know he'd cross the line once or twice.

Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again.

No man has ever been guilty of it.

Yep.

Very true.

Damn.

I got a piss.

I should have thought about this before.

That's fun.

Before

the show is okay, 11 minutes till break time.

Oh, break time.

Yeah, we're taking a little lunch break on this episode.

Last fucking fish cake.

I brought some sandwiches.

What kind?

Ham and Swiss.

That's pretty standard.

I like ham and Swiss.

I like ham and Swiss.

That's a good, that's a good thing.

You did some hard work all fucking morning long.

You take a lunch sandwich.

It's like a little bitch-ass English tea sandwich, dude.

I like it.

You know what I'm getting?

Now that I got a kitchen that's clean.

Yeah, your own kitchen.

Yeah, dude.

I've been having hibiscus tea.

I can already feel my blood pressure dropping.

I haven't been checking it because my new thing now is not checking.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Why check?

Yeah.

Just either live or die.

Right.

Your choice is yours.

In front of you is a retarded man's penis.

Inside of his penis is the key to the shackles around your ankles.

What part of his penis?

But there's a video camera taping you, and if you suck his dick, you'll go to jail for sucking a retarded guy's dick.

The worst crime of all.

Definitely get the key out of my head.

Peter,

in your life, you neglected your son with Down syndrome to go fuck prostitutes.

Now,

you have to play a game.

Live or die, the choice is yours.

Saw 17

coming to theaters this summer.

Black Saw.

I know you all don't want to play a game.

Woo!

Ooga.

For the all-female reboot of Saw.

Rihanna.

I'm trans.

In front of you is my dick.

Cut it off or die.

Replace it with a pussy.

Dr.

Spencer, in your life, you refused to cut off my dick.

But now you can either cut off my dick or be snapped to death by rat traps.

I've never seen a Saw movie.

Oh, the first one was fun.

I mean, the first three are like, you know, okay.

Danny Glover's in like two, right?

They're like Final Destiny.

Danny Glover's in Saw?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, no.

I'm not doing Danny Glover.

That's more of the voices of Jigsaw.

No, I know, I know.

Suck my dick or die.

So, and because his name's Jigsaw, we all know what Black Saw's name would be.

Oh, yeah, of course.

I'm not going to do it.

Yeah, but we all, you all know what we're going to get at here.

Of course, it's Scrimshaw.

Yeah, it's Scrimshaw.

Now, the end of the movie, when I reveal my true name, it's Scrimshaw.

What's Jigsaw's deal?

He's just cancer.

He's a clown.

He's a guy that had cancer, and he wants to get back to people that don't appreciate their lives.

Oh, damn.

Because he's dying of cancer.

Damn, bro.

Does one person live at the end of each one?

Yeah, I think most of it.

There's always somebody

that makes it or whatever shit.

Yeah.

Damn.

Your dick is stuck inside of a teletubby.

You can cut it off or continue fucking the doll.

Saw 18.

I mean, I guess I'll just fuck the doll.

I don't really want to fuck it, but I mean, I don't want to knock off it.

Oh, fuck.

Inside of your son's ass, I've inserted a flashlight.

It's technically not gay.

He's passed out.

He wakes up in 12 minutes.

Interesting question.

Is that pedophilia?

Pedophilia.

Fucking a flashlight inside of Childhood.

In front of you is a half Indian, half-Japanese comedian who's going to do an hour and a half of stand-up comedy about the new Samsung Galaxy.

Unless you kill yourself with the gun in front of you.

Live or die.

The choice is yours.

Can't I just kill Lanan?

Oh, no, you can't.

Well, why not?

The gun's killable.

That's cheating.

No, don't do that part.

Get out of this room anyway you can, except using that door next to you.

I couldn't figure out a way to lock it.

So don't go through that door because look, I've got nine of these rooms.

There's ghosts in there.

I don't know.

There's a

yeah, there's a time.

I can't tell you what's in there, but it's bad.

Trust me.

It's really bad.

You think the circular saw attached to your anus with barbed wire is bad?

You're really not going to like this in that room.

So don't go through there.

It's a Jambaju.

It's like Banera Bread.

Damn, sauce sounds awesome.

I can't wait to watch it.

Yeah, dude.

I can't wait to go to Panera Brad.

I love Panera.

I haven't been to Panera.

Whenever I hang out with my dad, that's the go-to.

Yeah,

that was one of Venisha's videos.

He was like, you want to go over to Panera Brad?

Yeah, because the parents think it's nice.

You got to lift your dad up out of Panera, dude.

Venisha's done with Panera.

I'd take her to good restaurants now.

My dad doesn't.

My dad comes home from work and goes to sleep in the evening.

I know, dude, dude, but that's why you got to be a nice little,

you know, you got to get him back in, dude.

Start doing Coke with your dad.

Yeah.

You know, take him to a strip club.

Let him fuck a retarded.

A blip club.

A blip club.

Tip club.

Yeah.

Strip.

Strip club.

Strip poker.

Big poker.

Big him back.

Definitely.

I definitely want to play strip poker while we're here, right?

No, they get naked.

Yeah.

I'm already naked.

Everybody's like, look how big his dick is.

It's like, he's retarded.

I do feel like retarded people have bigger dicks, man.

Yeah.

You feel that way.

I feel that way more.

Yeah, I feel that way too.

Well, it's because they're always hard.

True.

It's true.

That is true.

Their dicks are never go limp.

They never go limp.

Just imagine if you were that easily excited.

That's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just seeing a toothpaste commercial would probably do it for a retarded guy.

Blade smiling.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Those brilliant white teeth

sparkling.

Just waiting to be destroyed with Reese's.

Norman used to have some joke about how much harder it is to fuck a retarded girl in the mouth because it's filled with candy.

That wasn't the joke, but the punchline revolved around, you know, because her mouth is filled with candy.

Which was so funny to me.

R.I.P.

Norman.

There was a guy.

Oh, I didn't realize he died.

Yeah, his birthday's coming up.

How old is he going getting?

Someone older than you, probably like 90 something.

He's like 90.

Yeah, he's got to be like 93 years old.

He's vaping, though.

He's so old that his birthday is actually on the Georgian calendar.

It's not even

10 months.

Oh, cool.

So he can be younger.

Metric months.

Damn, it's fucked up.

There's different calendars.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's really fucked up.

It's so funny that the Chinese are at like year 9,000 and they still are like, yo, you spit in dull.

Like 7,000.

Yeah, they should be in the future.

They don't have basic shit.

Yeah, where's their flying cars and like fucking silver jumpsuits and shit?

All Chinese people should have the same bull cut, which I guess half of that.

They're halfway there.

That's the only one they have done so far.

Yeah.

Food should be pellets.

Yeah.

You know, like the Jets.

You all have a water bottle you suck off of.

You're staying in hamster cages.

You should have a sexy robot made you can run through all day long.

Yeah.

I saw Ernest today.

Oh, yeah.

You went to Amber's new apartment.

Yeah, to get my mail.

And how's Ernest looking?

You know, he's like making his way around the place.

He seems depressed.

He's figuring it out.

He misses, yeah.

He misses his old, you know.

Yeah.

He had a place, right?

Yeah, it's his place.

He was happy with Ernest's place.

That's where he thought he was going to die on it.

Tuesday on it.

It's actually incredible he didn't die in that apartment.

It'd be great if Ernest had a bar.

Yeah.

It would be cool.

Cat bartender.

Yeah.

A little bow tie on his head.

Yeah, yeah.

Have a vest.

That would be awesome.

He's knocking things over.

R.I.P., Ernest.

Are you going to get a...

You should get a fucking cat, dude.

No, I'm not going to.

Now that I have a nice fucking place, I'm never going to do anything to

have hair all over the place.

Yeah, like have friends over.

Yeah, I'll have friends over.

We should do some kind of pay-per-view thing.

Yeah.

Fuck.

I think they canceled Canelo Glove.

They did.

That sucks, dude.

Fucking Canelo.

He was taking steroids.

Instead of tainted meat.

He's a motherfucker, dude.

Well, of course he was going to do steroids.

He got his fucking nuts whipped by Triple G.

Well, it was a tie, wasn't it?

Yeah, but

he got fucked up.

Yeah, he got fucked up.

And he just, like, wasn't strong enough.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the shit.

Of course, he did steroids.

Although, it'd be nice.

I mean, if all the multiple boxers have said it's tainted meat in Mexico, shouldn't everybody be jacked?

In Mexico.

Wait, they're tainting the meat with fucking steroids.

They were saying it's steroids.

They got steroids with me in Mexico.

Yeah, but like, he's like.

Fellas, we've got to take a trip down to Mexico to Juana.

Yeah, he's a fan of the family.

He's from Tijuana.

I think.

I don't know where he's from.

He's from

Baja.

Baja, California.

I'm worried about doing steroids because of the heart thing.

You're worried about it because you are doing steroids.

Well, you're considering it?

I mean, I've done a little bit.

I did one cycle just to wake up.

When you were younger?

No.

No, like over the last couple of months.

Three days ago.

You did a cycle?

Yeah, what do you think of Jack?

I did it.

I went to the gym.

Some guy gave it to you?

Yeah, you just go up to a guy and be like, what's you got?

Is she the most Italian-looking guy?

No,

I didn't do steroids.

My old gym, there used to be some WAP trainer that would fucking offer steroids to.

He's like, I got GHB.

He's like, for you personally, I would recommend.

Yeah.

I sell two things.

The date rape drug has steroids.

Steroids and crack cocaine.

Listen, we should go to Mexico, though.

I heard that you can do GHB recreationally if you don't drink.

Me and Adam were talking about going to Greece.

Yeah, yeah.

We want to go to Greece.

Of course.

I said me and Adam.

Wait, you're going to go without me?

You're going to go to Greece with me?

Well, we're our band.

Yeah, we're in a band.

We have to do band.

Let me be in the tambourine guy.

No, you got to get a full drum kit.

I'll buy a full drum kit.

Actually, if you got a drum kit, we should start the horse band.

I mean, I would be so idea how to play the instrument.

I mean,

I can't play anything.

You already need to start your first band.

Let's do it, dude.

Let's go.

Get drums.

I'm going to buy something else.

I'll buy a bassoon.

Get drums.

No,

get a sack.

What is a bassoon got a reed?

You can't play a reeded instrument.

Why not?

Get a trumpet.

Did you do band in high school?

Dude, I have no musical ability whatsoever.

We need drums, dude.

There's got to be some kind of pretty good.

Do you have to take some sort of art selective?

Okay, here's what I'll do.

I'll get one of those really simple kids.

Drums are easy, dude.

I'll get the drum kit.

We'll keep it at your apartment.

I'll come over and play the drums, teach it.

We will keep it at your apartment.

I don't have

your biggest place.

I could do it in my second room here.

That Adams place is very good, right?

We could do a little studio.

My apartment is probably bigger than this, but this living room is much bigger bigger than mine.

Yeah.

Your living room's small, but your bedroom is big.

My bigger bedroom.

We'll play jumps in your bedroom.

All right.

Well, we're going to take a break, and then we'll be back in a minute.

Wait, no, we don't have to take a break.

I'll just.

Hey, guys, what kind of underwear are you, bro?

I'll play it to piss.

Oh, right, I do.

But fuck it.

Let me just.

Just do your pants.

Guys,

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Bullshit.

Just dump them off.

Just fucking shit so hard they explode.

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All right, thanks.

And we're back.

You know, I have to piss because that's like the

pressure.

You know what?

Fuck it.

Let's just go.

No, we're going.

Everybody has to piss.

Hand me the cake.

No, I want the cake.

Can I have like a little piece of cake?

You're just trying to do all the things that I'm doing.

No, this cake is mine, bitch.

I had the cake for copying.

Yeah, he's copying me.

No, I have to piss.

No, I have to use the cake.

See, now I go to take a drink and he copies me.

God damn.

It's like that.

I need another lacroix.

Hold on a second.

Okay.

All right, I have to piss.

So I'm alone right now on the show?

All right.

So this is what everyone wanted.

This is what the fans have been writing in for.

Finally, the Adam Friedland moment on the show.

This is where I can tell my true feelings.

You just kicked my fucking dog food over.

Anyway, why'd you leave my fridge open?

And you brought the whole cake out?

Whose Lacroix is this?

I don't know.

They all dented up?

That's not mine.

Stop.

This one was mine.

Was that one mine?

That was yours.

Anyway.

We're back.

Sorry about the dog food.

I'm sure the dog will eat it off the floor.

I don't eat it off the

Yo, but don't leave the fridge open, dude.

No, sorry.

And you brought the whole cake.

I was worried that the show was going to go bad without me, so I had to rush back over here.

Well, bitch, look who's back and look who has two lacrosse.

And no, it's not.

This is the dental one.

Oh, how did it get over here?

Well, give me the new one.

Why'd you get the cake?

This who has two lacrosse and the rest of the cake, bitch.

I don't care.

While you were in the bathroom trying to find your tiny penny.

This is all the cake I want.

I don't want a whole cake.

Yeah, well, I want the whole fucking cake and I'm going to go.

It's no no competition.

Because it's my birthday.

It's my birthday.

It's the cake his girlfriend's.

When it's my friend's birthday, it's my birthday, as the saying goes.

That's the old expression we all know and love.

What's yours is mine.

That's so true.

Sue Casa S.

Mi Casa.

I want to start becoming one of those birthday month girls.

You are one of those birthday month girls.

I dated a birthday month girl, and she was a fucking nightmare.

Yeah, yeah.

They're the words.

Huh?

What'd you do for the birthday month?

Mostly got yelled at.

It's my fucking birthday.

It's like, no, it's

actually three and a half weeks from now.

One time I dumped a girl like three weeks before Valentine's Day, and she's like, Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

Are you going to reuse to me?

That's the thing, man.

It's like, fucking, when you get to an adult time, move so fast, there's literally no time you can break.

There's like three days out of the year you can break up with that.

Yeah, yeah, it's true.

I was like, actually, Martin Luther King Day is sooner than Valentine's Day, technically.

It's fucking Bastille Day.

You asshole.

You're going to break up with me on Arbor Day.

You know, I love fucking trees.

You motherfucking.

You really love trees?

Afro man.

You know what I'm talking about?

So true, man.

He was going to do all those things and then he got high.

Afro man loves trees, brother.

I was going to suck a dick, but then I got high.

I was going to

live life as a homosexual man.

But then I got hungry.

I was gonna be happy for the first time.

That was in eighth grade.

I was like, this is the coolest song.

That was definitely in the,

what was the movie we were talking about?

Carlito's Way Zone.

You listen to Afro Man, you follow Carlito's Way.

You know what I'm saying?

Damn,

play Crazy Taxi.

Crazy Taxi was delicious.

This is delectable.

I know.

It's a good cake.

I had plenty of it.

Yeah, Dodge.

You're not making me jealous of it.

You made it really nice.

I love having the entire cake to myself.

You don't give a fuck.

You're just eating Adam's cake.

No, that cream cheese frosting.

And you're putting your fingers all over the fucking plate like an asshole.

You know what makes it better?

Is that there's more of it.

I don't give a fuck.

I had plenty.

God damn.

Shout out to Dasha for making a good ass cake.

It's good in a way that you couldn't tell if you only had a tiny piece.

That's absolutely untrue.

And I had a big-ass piece, by the way, motherfucker.

Oh, you thought I had a little piece?

Yeah.

Yeah, right, bitch.

This has got carrots in it.

It's a carrot cake, but it has coconut and it's a tropical.

Yeah, I tasted the pineapple.

I think I just ate some pineapple.

Yeah, it's very nice.

It's very tropical.

It's refreshing.

Kind of a tropical carrot cake.

God damn.

I love it.

It's basically like eating fruit.

I love sweets.

I've been watching, you know, I've been watching a lot of

is Beyond Belief Fact or Fiction with Jonathan Frakes.

Was that like one of those Ripleys, believe it or not?

Yeah, yeah.

But it's like, you know, he comes out and then he'll set up one of these vignettes.

And you have to guess whether or not the story has real.

The show is great.

The first season was hosted by

James Brolin,

and then they replaced him with Jonathan Freaks.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's wild.

Yeah.

But it's like every one, every like, you know, he has this room that he's in.

Yes.

And they set up all the short movies or whatever with him describing the thing, but there's something related to the story in the room.

Like an object.

So there's one that was

like a dessert case from a diner.

And then Jonathan Freaks comes out into camera.

He's like, dessert, the final meal, or is it

Josh Sumpton Skirelli?

You know, like, found out the hard way that eating dessert might not be so sweet after all.

He just died of diabetes in old age.

And then they play the, you know, the movie or whatever.

And it's in, it's like, is that possible?

Two men engaged in a homosexual relationship

or Jonathan Frakes.

This is fact or fact.

Fact or fact.

Yeah, that was a fucking good ass.

That was a good ass TV show.

I feel like that was in the WB late-night rotation, right?

Yeah.

Sort of after

Star Trek Voyager.

After the Steve Harvey show.

Steve Harvey show.

Jonathan Frakes rules.

I don't know who he is.

He's Commander Riker from Star Trek.

Oh, yes.

Oh, it's all coming together now.

I did love that shit.

He's the Barack Obama of the Star Trek universe.

It is true, dude.

You're not wrong by saying that.

No, it's a smart saber.

In what sense is that?

Is he that?

Because everybody likes him.

Everyone likes him.

Even though he's a warmonger.

Yeah.

Even though he droned a fucking

Klingon wedding.

That episode where he has to go on the Klingon ship.

They have to trade officers.

And then

he mutinies the

Klingon ship, but to save everybody.

And it's like, damn, Riker's cool as shit.

And he's smarter than everybody.

Yeah, and he's named after the prison, Riker's Island.

Yeah.

Imagine, you know, like a Star Trek nerd getting charged with child pornography crime.

They're like, we're sentencing you to 12 months on Riker's Island.

He's like, oh, boy,

this is going to be great.

And then he gets there, and there's some black guys like, you know, like, this is a motherfucker that was

a baby rapist.

And then he's like, I'm like a lawyer and prosper.

Tries to get the death grip on him and gets raped immediately.

Rikers.

Oh, fuck.

I wish that wasn't so funny that I couldn't do the bit.

It's so dweebishly funny.

Oh, boy.

Rikers Island.

Oh, man.

I love

just being raped.

What?

This is better being a holodeck.

Yeah.

I better not not be really getting raped.

You can call me Data.

Shut up.

Your name's Claire.

Very logical.

Yeah, what was I going to say?

I woke up.

I had that birthday party on Friday night that week.

Yeah, tell us about your birthday.

Sounded fun.

No,

my friend ruined it.

Ruined the party.

It must have been cool

have all your friends that you love.

No, I was killed.

One because Stav

couldn't be there.

And you, you know, had to leave early.

And then my worst friend showed up and then just started hitting my girlfriend and abusing my dog.

Nice.

And yeah, we had to ask him to leave.

It was really depressing.

Anyway, so

but the next day I woke up really hungover and then we watched this the I guess it's the newest episode of Law and Order S SVU, V

but it was a dramatic turn for Mr.

Will Sasso from Matt TV.

I love that they do that.

They just have comedians beating this shit.

I saw one where Jim Gaffigan killed his wife or some shit.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was two comedians in that one.

Jim Gavigan and somebody.

I can't remember who else.

It was really fucking weird.

I was pretty stoned, and it seemed like Will Sasso was playing for comedy.

Yeah.

It didn't seem like he was doing the dramatic parts a little too dramatic, and it seemed like maybe he was just not taking it completely seriously.

But it was a wild app.

Wild app.

What did Will Sasso do?

How about this?

Will Fatso?

Will Fatso, yeah.

Has anyone thought of that?

Staff has.

Probably you.

Staff has a list of fat, bald guys on his enemies.

Why do I have that?

That's not what I'm like at all.

You're like, I'm not competing with the same for the same cake.

Yes, you are.

You wish you had the cake, and you're competing with Will Sasso.

The cake is right here.

I can have it.

You cannot have it.

I have plenty of cake.

Your hands are too fat to grip the cake.

If anything, my hands have adapted to be specifically for cake and cake-related cake.

So they're too robust.

That's right.

I have robusto-ass hands.

No, dude.

My hands are fucking formulated for snacking, my friend.

Yeah.

Damn, I want wings now.

You should have like a tube that protrudes from your mouth to suck up crumbs.

I don't really want like an anteater.

I should evolve.

That'd be cool.

My nose should turn into a fucking trunk for crumbs.

And for eating puss.

Oh, yeah, you got that long ass click tickle.

So we're supposed to believe evolution is real.

Yet, look at me.

472 pounds.

Why come I don't have a trunk?

Because I clearly, I've never been able to climb a tree in my life.

I don't eat bananas or any type of fruit.

I eat nothing but candy and Cinnabon.

Well, I've believed personally that I identify more with the elephant.

Big old pussy lip ears.

Oh yeah.

You just want to fuck those sexy ass ears.

They're the coolest animals, man.

Girl elephants eat each other's pussies with the fish.

You know what I think the coolest animal are?

That's it.

It's women.

That's right, ladies.

I respect you.

Thank you, Nick.

And consider you animals.

That's fucked up that people criticize us for, you know,

making problematic jokes, misogyny.

Do people not criticize us for that?

I don't think they really do either.

They criticize us for

ironic racism.

Is Is that it?

I don't know.

Who cares?

I don't know.

I so get used to being a Strasserite

all the time.

Oh, Strasserite.

Yeah.

Strasser, what?

He's like racist, but he believes in universal health care.

It means racist, but chill.

Chill racist.

Like, he still blazes.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So basically, just

that guy's between us and libertarians is a straucer guy, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Elephants are also cool because they jack off by slamming their dicks against their stomachs really hard.

Hell yes.

It's really cool.

Really?

Like they just whip their cockshots.

If you look on YouTube, it's pretty cool.

When they get out of the shower, that's how I dry off.

Really?

Did you ever do that move?

I used to love doing that when I was like a a teenager, just whipping my

junk back and forth in a funny way.

Who doesn't like fucking doing the old helicopter?

Yeah, yeah.

No, no.

No hands.

You use your hips to just smack it between your ass and your stomach.

Sometimes it would hit my nuts, though, and that would be.

Yeah, you do that.

You let your nuts fly around.

I I don't like my nuts.

Make that awful noise.

I do that.

I wear basketball shorts and then smack my nuts.

That is a horrible noise.

It's like a fucking

way to intimidate people.

I like an ape.

Yeah, I like going side to side.

Just having it hit your thigh.

Yeah, yeah.

Front, back, side to side.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

It's a good way to attract women.

Yep.

You pull your dick out, you pull your cock out, you start slapping it around.

These are Brooklyn dating tips.

This is how you date.

That's how I get

it.

Definitely come over here.

Definitely take a look at this.

Do you see this?

Definitely, definitely, definitely whipping my dick around.

The nice thing about being uncircumcised is that if I whip my dick around, there's a nice breeze and my dick will just inflate like a balloon.

You should have that like.

You gotta like those chairs.

You know those chairs?

Gay Jack Nicholson.

It's Jack Nicholson who fucks retarded guys.

Oh, yeah, what would he be like?

Ray, why don't you come over here and add up all these inches with your ass?

Definitely, definitely.

Technically, that still is a type of gay Jack Nicholson.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to add the part I like is the part where you're mentally retarded.

He's gay for retards.

I was thinking fucking retarded women.

Yeah, if you could do me a favor and struggle to get halfway through the alphabet,

just teaches me.

Definitely can do that.

Definitely can do that for us.

Don't know past K.

Definitely can't do one at K.

A,

B,

C,

D.

Oh, yeah, brother.

Oh, there's no, that's what we call a refillable Jack Nicholson type of.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, that's a plug and play.

Like your ass.

That's what we call your ass also, actually.

A real plug and play.

Plug and play.

I wouldn't mind plugging and playing down there at the home for disabled adults, if you know what I mean.

They don't have any locks on the outsides of the doors because they can't figure out the knobs, so there's no reason for.

You can just waltz right in and take your pick of the litter.

They're a bunch of unsupervised cards, people.

That's how it used to be, dude, back in the 60s.

Milling around the building they can't get in or out of.

They just put them in a room and they'd be like, All right, shit yourselves.

Figure it out.

Go ahead and play with your shit.

You know, all you need is a fence, really.

Now we know the answer is to just put them in minimum wage positions where you don't actually have to pay them any money, money.

And then you put one or two in the commercials, and that's more humane.

It's true.

So use them for slave labor.

That's right.

Well, my groceries aren't going to be poorly bagged themselves.

Yeah.

I'm saying.

What other industries.

I feel like I see a lot of mentally challenged grocers,

like baggers.

How about President of the United States?

Oh,

shit.

Oh, crap.

Now we're really going to get in trouble.

Finally, let's get into it, guys.

Now we're really going to get in trouble.

So now,

and how about fucking.

Yeah, how about Downseld Trump?

Does anyone call it that yet?

Hashtag resist.

It's fucking sick.

Oh, yeah.

What about fucking Trump?

Helen DeGeneres releases her nude slur for Donald, Downzel Trump.

Yeah, because he's a fucking retard, huh?

Great.

Dernaled Trump.

Yeah.

What about, oh, since we're in the politics corner,

our boy, our favorite politician, Mark Zuckerberg, Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan.

Paul Ryan.

He's retiring.

Because my man with the stash, pussy-eating iron stash, got him scared, dude.

Is that why?

I don't know, but

I think that's a good idea.

It's cool that he's retiring.

He doesn't want to get blamed for

who cares.

Anyway, it would be great if Trump does like a night-al-long knives on the FBI.

He just murders 100 people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would not be chill, man.

I wouldn't be chill.

It'd be cool if it would be funny.

It's funny if that happened to the FBI.

Yeah, that's true.

That is true.

It is so funny that Democrats are like, how dare they talk shit about the FBI?

Yeah, yeah, they're like pro-FBI.

FBI.

Trying to get MLK to kill himself.

Yeah, they tried to entrap pedophiles.

They insect female bodies.

Yeah.

Okay, now I'm going to piss.

All right.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Dude, whoa, watch it, man.

Whoa, Madon.

Woof, Madon.

Yeah.

So, politics, Corner, because that's going to be the real politics corner.

Mark Zuckerberg spoke before Congress yesterday.

Talk to him, Adam.

How would you feel about it?

How do I feel about it?

Yeah, shit.

I feel like it's anti-Semitism gone mad.

That's right.

Go off, Queen.

All types of discrimination are illegal now, especially post-me too, except for one.

Anti-Semitism.

It's the last technically legal written into the law.

Where the fuck are the Winkelwaoss twins or whatever?

Yeah, the Winkelwaos twins, exactly.

Who are clearly their grandmother

didn't do anything wrong between the years 1931 and 1945.

Two perfect blonde twins.

Oh, just on a rowboat together, sucking each other off.

Yeah, fuck.

Killing gypsies.

Did you you see someone dennis miller

someone did you see that dennis miller tweet salute to dennis miller dennis miller uh tweeted um

he said the the winklevoss twins haven't been this happy since they went on a double date with the barbie twins

got them

which were i think i believe they were like two girls that were twins with fake tits in like 1993 they were kind of oh are those real i thought that was he was just talking about the dull barbie No, I think that they were like kind of like porny-looking.

Nice.

They were famous for about six months in the early 90s.

Do you ever have a phase where you beat off to like real fake-looking bitches?

Of course.

That's the first kind of girl that you think is hot.

Yeah, but still.

Yeah, like Janet Jameson and Pamela Anderson.

But like later in life, did you ever

return?

Oh, like return, like for old school sakes?

Shrill time sorry.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

I'm past that now.

But I did.

Nick, what about you?

About what?

Did you ever beat off to like big, fake, plastic titty-looking Barbie doll bitch?

I tried jagging after Stormy Daniels a couple weeks ago.

Out of civic pride.

Yeah.

Out of civic duty.

I'm sure her numbers on Pornhub skyrocket because I did the same thing.

Stormy Daniels.

That can't be her real name.

Yeah.

That's got to be.

No, just like Tom Cruise.

That's her real name, man.

The more I think about it, because you said that last year.

I didn't put enough time in on Downzel Trump.

You want to hit that for a couple of minutes?

Yeah, let's play that.

Let's just tap that video.

Okay, let's see here.

Yeah, yeah.

Huge.

Big wee.

Big wee.

Big we.

We're going to walk her up.

All right.

Let me figure out the voice.

Because when I tell you, everyone's going to love it.

Everybody is going to be, oh, it's going to be beautiful.

Nick's doing a great

mannerism to Trump with a retarded voice.

He's got a little chance.

It's going to be beautiful.

That's better.

Yeah, you're there.

We're getting there.

It's very close.

Yeah, okay.

Very close.

Let me tell you.

It's going to be the best type of combination between two impressions that anyone's ever done.

What about what are the Mexicans?

What are they bringing?

A Hispanic,

retarded Donald Trump.

No, no, no, no.

I'm just asking you.

He's prompting me.

Oh, I thought you were asking me to get broke as hell No, no, no, no, no.

And be a fucking artist.

That would be wild.

Quetipo deep.

No, no, too much.

Too much.

Too far.

You're barely.

Yeah.

We're Icarus right now, dude.

We flew too close to the motherfucking sun, dude.

To the orange

big Cheeto in the sky.

Yeah.

Gotta eat.

I'll tell you, here we go.

We gotta get these goddamn Mexicans out of the country bringing their city candy in there.

That's right.

That's what I was thinking.

It's the worst fucking candy out there.

That's what I tried to say.

No, sorry.

I think you were trying to sell it.

The bad candy.

The chickola.

I like it.

The beans, they make you go, you fought?

That's pretty funny.

Yeah, I woke up from that.

That is a funny thing to happen.

You know.

Yeah, that's cool.

We're going to build that wall.

Buego, put a Buego.

Tell us about how girls treat you when you're famous.

What's that like?

Oh, you could do anything.

You can do whatever you want.

Yeah.

Grab them by the pussy all the way up here.

So yeah, grabbing by the pussy, and then he's grabbing the tits.

Donald?

Wait, what?

Do they like them shitting your pussy?

I guess.

I don't know.

I don't even want to be doing this.

I didn't mean it when I said we didn't spend enough time on that.

I think it's good that we let it run.

That's really going to take him down.

Yeah, he's Comtown calls him a retard.

How funny would be if he does?

Like, he hears it somehow, and then he kills himself, and then all the everybody has to apologize to me.

I know.

It's like the scene at the end of Star Wars where they're giving us like sashes.

Ewoks are dancing.

We beat Trump

by calling him retard.

I can't wait for that to happen.

Yeah, those hell-bent girls have to, like, you know, I don't know,

burn all their podcasting equipment

because they call them a literal fucked shit.

But they can't say retarded.

It's not on Twitter anymore, but someone did like a list.

They're like, all right, here's a list of non-problematic insults.

And it was all, it was like.

Shit, baby.

Yeah, it was horrible.

Yeah, it was so embarrassing.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's funny because all that like piss baby and shit baby, literal human garbage, it all became like trite immediately, and it's like just being used by people that are dorks.

Yeah, nine years later.

Yeah, right.

I mean, it's like on par with like ass clown, you know, like going around saying that shit in that.

Ass clown, I feel like

it's a homophobic kind of thing, no?

Yeah.

Like you get real funny in your ass.

Your ass.

It's a real circus in that sense.

One of the Greek words for gay guy, like a derisive is bisoglendi, which means butt pirate, no, no, which means uh behind party

to party from behind, partying his ass, yeah, which is actually pretty it also means mullet, huh?

It also means molot, bisoglendis, yeah, yeah, yeah.

In Greece, the only guys who are allowed to have mullets are gay guy, gay guy, or just a straight guy that gets fucked in the ass once.

Uh-huh.

Business up front, party in the back.

That would also be like an assless business suit.

That's right.

Can you imagine?

That would be awesome.

Just a fucking Armani power suit that you turn around.

Just mesh.

It's mesh in the actual.

Yeah, it's just cut out completely.

This is the commercial for that, the guy at the office.

Just turning somebody's card and then walking away.

You should put that in like an SNL package.

That's hilarious.

But this is in the front, party in the back.

We do things a little different around here.

Oh, yeah.

We're a fun office.

Cowboy boots, power suit, assless.

Mm-hmm.

Asshole just fucking feeling that breeze.

Top hat.

Yeah.

A top hat with a glory hole in it.

So you just squat in between your two friends, then one of them sixes cock through the hat and then the other guy sucks it off.

So the hole is in the f top of the top hat.

Yeah, something like that.

Okay.

We'll figure out the we'll figure out the

kid.

I don't have fucking time.

I've been podcasting 25 years.

I don't have time to do every single fucking bit.

We'll get AutoCAD up.

We'll draw some fucking, we'll draw some prototypes.

He's gonna hurt you, Payman and Rock.

He's gonna suck you off permanent rock.

He's got this Apollo guy.

He's got HIV.

You get in the ring with him.

It's a death sentence.

But as long as he doesn't mix blood with me.

No, it's in his sweat too, Rock.

I'm telling you.

Don't use the toilet jeeps after queers, Rock.

I don't know how you even know about this, Bick.

It's 1977.

I got a bad feeling, Rock.

I got a bad feeling about these fairies, Rock.

I'm in one of them buyers' clubs, Rock.

Look at me.

I'm 34 years old.

Hell yeah.

Salute to that guy who's got a great name and he fucked a lot.

We discussed him already.

Yeah, Burgess Meredith.

Burgess Meredith.

Hell yeah.

I don't even know where you got that information.

It's out there.

Apparently, he fucked a lot.

If that's all you know about Burgess Meredith,

then you have access to that information.

I bet you if you look it up, just like the Morgan Freeman thing, it's true.

Yeah.

Morgan fucked a lot.

First time I met Burgess Meredith, I could tell he fucked a lot.

This guy fucks.

This man has a lot of sex.

Fuck, dude.

I ate this cake, and it's kind of slowing me down here.

Yeah, yeah.

I've been slow all day.

Because I can't have caffeine anymore.

I've been drinking fucking hibiscus tea.

Like all the tea.

It's like flowers.

Yeah, yeah.

You're drinking flour.

How's that feel?

I'm becoming so pissed right now.

Good for my blood pressure.

Drink a cup of hot flour.

Drink a cup of hot daisies.

P-I-S-E.

Hey, hey, Nick.

Did your boyfriend get you that?

Oh,

yeah.

I wish he did.

Sicky, sicky, nah.

You got him, dude.

My boyfriend didn't give me anything.

What about this song?

My penis.

I just fucked a man with my penis.

Like Maria.

You know?

Yeah.

That was pretty good.

Yeah, you know.

I like that one.

There hasn't been a good song in a while, I don't feel.

From us?

Yeah.

No, I didn't.

No, that's

Achy Breaky Heart.

Oh, yeah, but you know what?

I my sucky fucky dick.

I have a higher standard, I think.

No, I'm serious.

There's only one or two a year that really get me, and I feel like

Sucky Fucky Dick or whatever we said was really good.

I thought Stob's

the Werewolves in London.

What happened to Dunkaroos?

Dunkaroos?

They're not there.

They're

not there.

Bring them back.

Where the fuck are Dunkaroos?

They still are.

You're just in the fucking gym drinking fucking flowers and shit.

You're not in the Dunkaroo universe.

I'm very much in there.

He's there to get it.

It's the Dunkarooniverse.

I'm in the Dunkiness.

That's Kevin Smith's production company.

The Dunkarooniverse.

What should my company be called, guys?

View Dunkaroo.

Scotty Baby Enterprises.

It's so funny that Kevin Smith had a huge heart attack.

Did he?

Yeah, he almost died.

Was it honing his life clips the last two weeks?

His fucking heart just almost completely blew up.

He's like, madam, I mean, that makes so much sense.

Well, he lost weight.

Yeah.

He looks better.

I mean, he looks like somebody that lost weight, but is fat.

That's true, Stop.

It's dangerous to lose the weight.

But Stav's promising.

Stop lost.

You used to be like 100 pounds bigger, and you kind of cinched up.

Yeah, you were like 340, right?

I was close to 100 pounds fatter than this, yeah.

Wow.

Well,

yeah.

340.

Yeah.

Probably my absolute highest, yes.

Wow.

Yeah.

I sort of remember that.

I was fattish.

Dude, I was looking for some old picture through Facebook, and I was just scrolling.

It was horrific stuff, dude.

Like, I was wearing, I was wearing, like, all my dress pants were just sweatpants that, like, those fake fat guy, all they all have elastic waistbands.

Elastic, yeah, but it's khakis.

Oh, man.

And I was just like, I was wearing some mistake shirts.

I was wearing those

just packed to the brim, dude.

Yeah.

It was horrible.

Yeah, it was funny how fat you were.

I know.

My friend Brendan used to laugh at me.

You had a waddle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you had a waddle.

You were walking.

We were all hanging out, and you were walking back to your car, and like Brennan was driving me somewhere, and he pointed.

He was like, holy shit.

Yeah, fuck Brennan.

He was bald.

Yeah.

And fucking ugly.

Fuck that piece of shit.

Yeah, well, yeah, but you were waddling.

Yeah, whatever, man.

He can suck my nuts.

You're also bald.

Nah, I got plenty of hair.

I could grow it out any fucking day now, pal.

Yeah.

And it would look good.

Well, we've reached the end of our allotted time,

this time allotment, yeah.

So I'll leave you guys with this.

Remember that show Seven Days on UPN?

No.

What was that about?

It was about a time machine that can only go back in time seven days.

Oh, was that?

Yes.

Yeah.

It was not Anthony Lepaglia.

It was like John Lepaglia that was one of his

Lepalia brothers or whatever the fuck played him.

That was late in the UPN game.

Yeah, I tried going back to find that show because I remember enjoying it.

That and Sentinel, and I couldn't find either of them.

But

that'll have to be how this one.

When's the next show?

Oh, and so thank you.

Thanks, everyone, who comes to Funny Moms.

We're going to start doing 8 o'clock.

We're actually starting at 8, not Doors at 8.

We'll probably get, I guess, say, Doors at 8.

I guess people have jobs and stuff, and it's better for the show to end at 8 o'clock.

To the 23rd.

So far, we've booked Mateo Lane and Tim Dylan.

We say people are going to come, and then our friends cancel on us.

Sorry, but it'll be a good show.

People cancel a lot.

It happens all the time.

But we think they're coming.

And I don't know.

Do you have anything else?

Head to cancel.

That's like a Chinese person.

So yeah, Tim, Dylan, Mateo, Lane.

I'm trying to see if anyone else is poke.

Whatever.

Yeah.

What day is that?

The 23rd?

23rd.

23rd.

23rd.

All right.

23rd of the month.

23rd.

Okay.

All right.

Bye.

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