Ep. 97 – Another delay

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I love my penis.

Yes.

Coming out of the gate strong.

Hold on.

Hold on.

This mic's fucked up.

Uh-oh.

Is it?

Yeah, it's every episode.

This is what happened.

This is what happened last time.

Stops, the mic cut out.

We should get new XLRs.

You should get a new pair of lips.

They zip shut.

Sexy.

Hands on your hips and zip your lips.

We got home monitor rules going today.

Six.

I got a website to tell you about that he's a www.yourgat.com no shit god he beat you to it and his is better every single time no you're gay.com is better than zipit.com yeah i love to i love to have same sex marriage

you would love to watch i love to have i love the same sex marriage

i love to have the same sex

safe sex or same sex please let me have the same sex

wow i'm glad you're doing better after she sucks your thing.

She's all my thing so bad.

Now I have

your ass.

Did she foe my head?

But now I have a

marriage the same sex.

Wow.

Wow, rape day labor.

You're doing a lot better.

Things are going good for me

because I got fired from the parking lot.

You can get fired from the hooking lot.

But now my husband take care of me.

Oh, that's awesome, man.

I got fired for complaining about that lady

that raped you.

Yes.

Oh, there is a code of silence in the Home Depot parking lot.

They said I violated the chod.

There was a choda silence.

The chode of silence.

That's what I call my dick.

Oh, damn.

I wanted that to be my dick's name.

No.

No, the chod of silence is my dick's name.

God damn.

It would be cool if your dick made made like a little, just a small little noise when you come.

Just a little.

It does.

Like a

little puff.

I sing like the weekend every time I come.

How about can mine be Chode Black Entertainment?

Sure.

Like Code Black?

What's Code Black?

How about Mountain Dew Chode Red?

Chod Red.

Mountain Dew, Chod Red.

You have a Chod and you only have seven days and what's every phrase ever with code in it?

Yeah, yeah.

We're about to get down to rap.

My great-grandfather in World War II?

Yeah, it's like Chodbreaker.

Yeah,

Neo goes into the control room when Cypher is looking at the Matrix, and he's like, do you always look at it in Chod?

He's like, yeah, that's the only way to look at the Matrix.

You know, it works for the construct, but all I see is blonde chode, redhead chode, brunette chode.

I like the idea of just little chods on the screen.

They're all wearing little business suits and shit.

Little fat cocks.

With blonde wigs on.

That's why I do chode switching whenever I'm talking to black women.

My dick gets a little bit hard whenever I talk to them.

But very wide.

That makes a lot of sense, man.

That's awesome.

Oh, fuck, boys.

So I guess I should address this.

What?

There's a controversy surrounding...

A question as to whether or not I'm posting shirtless pictures.

I'm not posting them.

I am sexting with women and gay men.

Yes.

And which I will not stop doing.

Wait, someone leaked a shirtless pig of yours?

Where?

One of our gay fans.

I'm not going to.

This motherfucker does gay guys shirtless pigs.

Of course I do.

Well, they give sad feedback.

There's nothing wrong with sexting with gay guys.

Look, I'm in a committed relationship.

It's dangerous to sext women.

I won't do that.

But I'll text other guys about how I don't want to fuck them or whatever.

And

how I would do it if I had to.

Here are lats.

Because that's called being a good boyfriend.

You're right, yeah.

If someone had your family poisoned and the antidote was in a gay man's dick, how would you get it out?

Right.

Doing those kind of hypotheticals with other guys with the same problem I have.

Wait, so you said a dick pic to a gay.

Oh, I didn't say a dick pic.

No, what is it?

Just everybody's mad.

Yeah, everybody's mad about my dad.

That you're strong now.

People like that.

Honestly, I'm humiliated because it was a progress photo.

I'm not done yet.

If you're mad now, wait until I get under 10%, you fucking idiot.

It's like showing the painting half-painted.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People like their clowns

to look like shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not me, dude.

They don't like it.

It sucks that we're all beautiful as fuck.

Yeah, that's

everyone gets on our asses for looking

good and having proportional nose sizes to the rest of their face.

And, yeah.

Yeah, dude, that was a gay-ass pic.

I think I saw it.

I thought you did post it.

Well, you posted it on.

I wouldn't post a full-on shirtless picture.

Is it on Twitter?

Yeah.

I want to see.

I feel like someone tagged all of us in it.

Yeah.

Well, that was funny that text exchange with you and Evan, where you just, he's like, that's.

Oh, we exchanged shirts.

That's a real show.

Why?

Why work out if you're not going to send nude pictures to your friends to compare body checks?

To fuck women.

To fuck hotter women.

Fuck that.

I don't care.

I don't give a shit what women think.

What the fuck do women know?

They're like, what's a dumbbell and a barbell?

Can you just get out of the way?

Not Julia, though.

Julia is wine.

She's the only one who understands.

Julia is so hot, dude.

It would be like fucking an animal, you know?

Jaguar.

Yeah, like if there was a pig or something, you know, you're on a farm for months or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

The first couple of days, it's just a pig, and then after weeks go by, you forget your wife, and then you're like,

what's that pig up to?

Yeah.

I just want to hang out with it for a sec.

Yeah, that kind of happened to me, except instead of a farm, it's my room.

And instead of a pig, it's my Instagram feed.

It's just filled with Russian people with weird bodies.

I'm trying to think if I've been beating off to anyone strange lately.

I don't beat off to Julia.

Yeah, you do.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you just first of all,

no, I need massive amounts of pornography, nine screens, the Mortal Kombat team playing

on an inversion table.

You know, I got to be upside down.

Yes, yeah.

On ketamine.

That's hot.

Yeah.

You can't jack off on ketamine, right?

I can do whatever I want.

But like, you, most people can, you can't tell me what I'm allowed to do with my body.

I'm not telling you.

My body, my choice.

Dude, I'm glad my body, my choice.

I'm feeling good.

My body, my choice.

He's right about that.

Yeah, dude.

You know what?

I figure I'm going to be dead in probably two years.

Consider.

Dead of what?

I don't know, man.

I got to do something about this hard thing.

I wake up in the middle of my night and I I have like chest pains and my heart's pounding and I'm sweating and it's like, oh, yeah, this has just been happening.

And I haven't really thought about it.

So I've been eating a lot of dark trout.

Someone DM'd me to say that we should tell you to stop doing cocaine.

And I said that you're not doing cocaine.

They're like, yeah, Nick's doing everything to lower his blood pressure except for stopping doing massive amounts of cocaine.

Yeah.

And I

people think we do cocaine all the time.

People think that we're a whole lot of things.

That's the thing is, and and

you can't really deny it because as soon as you deny doing cocaine, then you become a cocaine actor.

Right, exactly.

So you kind of just have to,

you have to just let people think that you're doing blow constantly when really you're only doing it once every couple of days.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I, for real, that's the one thing I have, I think I'm not going to do anymore because I am, it does fuck your heart up.

And I don't know that I could be rolling the dice.

Yeah, you got more.

You got to.

It's either fucking cheese steaks or cocaine.

I was surprised.

the restraint you showed with that birthday cake at

Kaylee's birthday party the other night.

Oh, yeah, how was that?

I was sick.

It was fun.

Nah, it wasn't.

It wasn't fun.

Nah, it was.

No one was there.

Sorry, I'm about to sneeze.

Fuck.

God damn it.

You look Chinese right before you sneeze.

Yeah.

That's like a thing about you.

Yeah, why did you do that with your eyes?

Why'd you hold the eyes?

Why did you put the eyes thing?

Why'd you put on that rice fatty hat?

Yeah, that Raiden hat.

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, I've watched Mortal Kombat again the other day.

Oh, crazy.

Where they introduce him to Raiden, and they're like, Raiden.

And he looks up, and it's just the least Chinese person in the world.

It's a northern European guy from underneath that hat.

It might as well just be a man in blackface.

It's that offensive that that guy is wearing that fucking

high-hat symbol looks up and is just fucking,

you have to understand the power you have.

Wait, who is it who plays Raiden?

It's Christopher Lambert with this weird Down syndrome lisp.

Hell yes.

Because he's like Belgian or some shit.

He's Belgian.

And he's also still the reason I got banned from Facebook.

Oh, because of his nuts.

Because, yeah, stupid French balls.

Wait, he's Highlander, right?

I feel like it's like French people are constantly trying to prove they have genitals.

You know, because they're true.

Most of them don't.

That's true.

Most of them are smooth.

Yeah.

JCVD is always doing the splits.

Well, then why do they smell so bad if they don't have nuts in the bottom of the bus?

The Belgians are just French.

Nope.

Half of them aren't.

They're Flemish.

Half of them speak like Dutch, right?

They're Flemish.

Yeah, they're Flemish.

Flemish.

Dutch is the waffles and clogs and shit.

Yeah, windmills.

Tulips.

Yeah.

French fries.

I got tulips right here.

Oh, they got good ass fucking mayo.

And you know, of course, you're forgetting 420.

Smoke weed.

Every institution.

Yeah.

I think I'm going to go to MSM and just.

Smoke weed because I'm gay.

I told you last time you went.

Why are you?

I don't know why I didn't, but it didn't grab me at at that point.

If you're going to pay for the best, pay for the best.

Yeah, you know, not like

in the United States, something legal, someone who knows.

This should be like a whole escape room thing, like in addition to prostitute.

Why do I keep hearing

because you interrupt people when they didn't explain what the concept is, and then you don't ever hear what an escape room is.

I was just adding to what you were saying.

Were you?

Yeah, continue.

Yeah, somebody over here loves adding.

I love to add.

Cue the change-dropping sound effect.

So, what's going on?

What's going on with the escape room here, Nick?

It's like a thing you pay for.

What was he getting at?

Oh, oh, yeah.

So, hold on, my account just got back to me with the penalty for the anyway.

Yeah, so the joke, the shitty joke I was going to make.

There's.

Why don't you read the email that you're getting about your finances?

Yeah, okay.

So, the.

Nick was very worried about the health care penalty he was getting for.

Shared responsibility.

Multiply line four by 695.

If

2085 or more, enter 2085.

Of course.

So line 4 by 695 for each month.

Cool.

Yeah, the maximum penalty is 2085.

So I don't know how he got

to

$2,442.

One of life's great mysteries.

Well, you should email him back back on the podcast.

I don't know.

Sorry.

This is just.

Anyways, yeah, escape room plus.

You hire the prostitute, but you also get to, you know, it's Liam Neeson's daughter, so you have to figure out how to kidnap her.

You run around the house.

Yeah, it's like a fun cool.

Yeah, yeah.

I like that.

I would, yeah.

I would just like to fuck her and then.

And then just leave.

Yeah.

Leave or maybe we can hang out, watch a movie.

Oh, that's the girlfriend.

GFE.

I'd like to have GFE.

How do you feel about on like

prostitute list postings on the internet, they call ASICs Greek when they say no Greek?

I love it.

You like that?

That's cool.

That's fucking ethnic pride as far as I'm concerned.

Did you think at first that it just meant no Greeks?

Like, that you weren't.

No, I knew.

Also, Greek pregnancy

is when you fuck someone in the ass.

And then it trickles.

And the jitism...

trickles from their asshole to their pussy.

Well, speaking of the YouTube shooter lady, which is how all me and my brothers and every Greek person ever was conceived.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, where I come from, that's called the New Jersey Turnpike.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

It's where you do all different types of sex stuff.

Is the Gooch the Turnpike?

It's

the Turnpike is sort of the avenue between the asshole and the pussy.

Interesting.

Yeah.

You give her, you know, a nice Tennessee pile driver.

You give her, you know, kind of the smoking dragon.

What's the smoking dragon?

It's where you are getting hit and right before you bust, you jam it right in her throat so she coughs

the cum comes down her nose.

Like a dragon

having smoke come out of its mouth.

That sounds awesome.

Yeah, that sounds pretty cool.

I thought it was when you kill a Komodo dragon and she puts the skin on and you fuck her.

Yeah.

You know, and then you set her on fire.

And it smokes.

I'd love to fuck a lizard, bitch.

Anyway, Nick, how's your emails going?

It's good.

I just got to email him back because, I mean, I'm not going to pay an extra $400 for a penalty.

That would be egregious.

I mean, it is egregious.

Sorry, this just came up, but I mean, it's like, this is blatantly fucking incorrect.

Yeah, it probably can't wait $45.

I don't know.

I mean, no, it really can't.

I mean, it's like the shit needs to be filed.

I emailed this off.

Like, you know, you pay somebody a bunch of money to do something and something as basic as filling out a fucking worksheet.

Hey, man.

Yeah.

I'm not the customer service person.

Yeah.

Well, you said read the email and get mad about it on the show.

Those are your exact words.

You're right.

Because we know that your anger is good for your heart.

It's to fuel.

There's nothing I can do about it.

I've been drinking like, I've been drinking tea to try and like, but then I get pissed off at how long it takes to seep.

And then I'm like burning my lips on hot water.

I'm just fucking mad.

I just, um,

I just watched the Sopranos, The Sopranos app, where the, where Janice goes to anger management.

Uh-huh.

Oh, that's awesome.

She's in the group therapy, and she's like anger management, starring Jack Nicholson and Adam Springer.

Adam Salmon, great flick.

Why are you so mad?

I'm not mad.

You're mad.

Hanukkah.

Wow, that could have been your trailer.

Here I am.

It's me.

Mad Jack here for anger management, starring me and

Ben Goldfarb, whatever his name is.

Yeah, I love seeing him in his civilians these days where he's just wearing like

loose-fitting workout clothes.

Best vine of all time is not the best, but a top vine is him and Justin Bieber just meeting on the street.

Oh, yeah.

Dapping each other up.

I was trying to work on a character for stand-up, gay Jack Nicholson.

Did we ever do that on the show?

I don't think so.

Let it run.

Let it run.

Let that run.

Have any of you ever heard of gay sex?

Yes.

You put your dick in the asshole, Chief.

You get your dick hard and you put it in an asshole.

There's that great Norm McDonald's sketch.

It's like the first two gay guys.

And it's Norm and Will Farrell and Norman.

And he's like, hey, why don't we try it?

And Norm's like, hey, why don't we try this?

And Will Farrell's just like, ah!

Stop!

And he's like, oh, this is pretty good.

And

it's like, it's rape,

gay sex.

Yeah, that

CD feels so good.

Sticking dick right up there in the man's ass.

Oh, yeah.

I'm gay Al Pacino.

Who are

the scent of a man?

The scent of a man's ass.

yeah,

you know, this is a really open-ended bit,

yeah, dude.

Really, anyone, that's the beauty of it, dude.

Honestly, let's stop recording and put that in like a packet because that's refillable.

You know what I mean?

Send that foul in, how about and then at the end at the end, they say, Gabe from New York, it's Saturday night.

Yes, wow, it's a play on the classics, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, wow.

I would love to just turn in an SNL packet that's like, that's like, hey, everybody, thanks for coming to my press conference.

First, I just wanted to say I'm gay and I'm a baby.

I'm gay and I love to go to the bathroom in my pants.

President, drug.

How could you say that?

Oh, because I'm stupid and I'm bad at being president.

I'm a gay idiot and I'm bad and I'm really stupid and I love being skewered by

kids who went to Harvard.

I love being skewered by them.

Damn, dude.

Should we go to Harvard?

We should.

We should.

Should we go to Harvard?

Shoulder the Lampoon, you know?

And like, the stars.

Show them lampoons.

The slampoon.

The slam.

We've made that joke before.

I know that.

That might be my favorite joke.

Yeah, take that, SNL.

Yeah.

Take that, everyone, that went to the Harvard Lampoon School of...

The Cometown Slampoons.

Yeah, yeah.

We should start a competing magazine.

The Cometown Slampoon.

Yeah, and people would actually read that shit.

It would just be shit.

Not just look at the pictures.

Yeah, it would just be picture titties.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They'd read those pictures.

But it would be like captions were like nice.

I bet

he's like a guy that gets mad magazine.

He thinks it's for guys that are pissed off.

He's like, what is this?

This is just all fucking jokes.

He just tears it up on the subway.

Wow.

He has a heart attack.

Pretty good.

He's happy, though.

That's what he wanted out of it.

Was to be mad.

Yeah, I guess it worked.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I'm going to start a gym called Pissed Gym.

Mm-hmm.

It's got for guys that are pissed off.

Oh, yeah.

You come in here, you better be fucking pissed.

That's Gold's Gym, isn't it?

Is everyone Gold's Gym pissed?

No, they're happy.

Or is that the Dundalk one?

The Dundalk Gold's Gym is horrible.

Gold's Gym is a little aggressive.

Yeah.

It could be kind of intimidating.

Yeah, a lot of lunks.

No, thank you.

I like going to a gym where they got a lunk alarm.

Yeah.

Rear, rear.

No heavy lifting.

Yeah.

Only you just do get the elliptical.

Dude, I went to fucking Planet Fitness and I was like, I want to go to Planet Fitness and like loudly and very visibly and smellily shit myself in the Smith machine.

That'd be cool.

And then when they come over to clean up the mess and get mad at me, you know,

well, what happened to the no judgment zone?

So it looks like somebody owes me $10.

You fucking bring, you have sex with a child in a planet fitness.

It's like, whoa, hey, no judgment.

Yeah, uh, sir, can you please stop jagging off the child porn on the Boflex?

Well,

I guess you could just call me the Aaron Brockovich of Planet Fitness.

I've discovered a flaw in the system.

What's that movie, Erin Brockovich, about some dumb bitch that figures out water's bad?

Yeah, but she's got big

slut.

She's got nice cans.

Yeah,

that's That's got to be

the funniest Hollywood pairing.

Her two tits.

Julia Robertson tits.

One of them's black and the other one's.

No.

She's married to Lyle Lovett, isn't she?

She was.

I don't know if she still is.

Yeah.

He's cool, dude.

I like

it.

He looks like there was a fire at the wax music.

He's got a fucked up Adam's Apple.

Yeah, I like that he's an ugly guy with a hot girlfriend.

Ugly guy, big Adams Apple, big nose.

Yeah.

You like those kind of guys, Adam?

Yeah, yeah.

A lot.

A lot.

Yeah.

Because I don't respect him.

Straighten up and stop being gay.

Straighten up and stop being gay.

I've never heard his being gay.

I like what he's doing.

That's his number one hit.

Straighten up and start being gay.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good.

I support the message, certainly, behind it.

Yeah, I confuse him and that guy, Chris Isaac.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're very similar.

He acts and stuff.

What does Lyle Lovett in?

He's in like a bunch of David Lynch movies.

He's kind of creepy.

Yeah.

When he acts.

He's like, you think he fucks good?

You think he fucked Julia Roberts good?

No,

she actually has.

Julia Slobberts.

Negative 32.

You know what the runaway bride was doing?

She was running away to suck dick.

Yeah.

To this ocean's five and a half.

Oh, yeah, dude.

That's me skinny dipping.

To this ocean's five and a half.

It's just you like winking at George Clooney and smiling at Matt Damon, nude.

The cho to silence.

Ocean's, yeah.

What was the last one they did?

13?

Did they have a 13?

Now they're doing lady oceans.

Yeah, ocean's eight.

I felt like that's they don't get as many.

I feel like they've been fucking saying that for a while.

Yeah.

I think Rihanna is one of them.

Hey, Ocean's hate.

What are they going to get?

Three-quarters of the fucking score is the men?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Three-fifths, actually.

Yeah, dude.

They're all black.

Yeah.

Now, Ocean's Eight is four women walk into a casino and they cry until someone gives them funny.

They pull their fucking tits out and stand next to some high roller until he just gives them money.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

The perfect cry.

Yeah.

That's Sharon Stone's character in Casino.

Yeah.

Which I just watched the first two-thirds of recently.

Fatal Attraction.

It's such a good movie.

Yeah.

We're talking about Fatal Attraction.

No,

Joe Petchy gets slopped off a lot in that movie.

Michael Douglas.

Yeah, he grabs women's heads and he shoves them on his dick.

And that is

how I learned how to get him.

Michael Touglass, and he's incapable of jacking off.

I just want to jack off, but I can't.

Michael Douglas stars as himself in Michael Touglass.

God damn it, if there's one thing I want to do, it's to make love to my own dick, but I can't.

I can't can't make love to my own penis.

Is that why he has to fuck Glenn close?

Michael Douglas has never referred to his dick as anything other than his penis.

Other than my penis.

Yeah, I can't wait to put my penis in your vagina.

Nothing he says ever sounds hot.

Like, oh, you're so sexy.

I can't wait to insert my penis

into your love-making vagina hole.

Your labia majority.

You know, Catherine Zeta's a great pull.

She's a good one.

And by the way, and by the way.

After she got sword fucked by Zorro, no thanks, baby.

Yep.

You know her pussy's just all cut up from that blade.

Big Z.

Right above her pussy's just there.

Her plate is chopped off in front of the scene.

Terrence just mutilated her.

I fucked her up with my blade.

She got bladed out.

Lil Keith, yeah.

I used to fuck Catherine Zeta Jones.

A lot of of people wonder why my voice sounds like this.

It's because I went down on Kevin Zeta Jones and got mouth cancer.

I got pussy eating cancer from Kevin Zeta Jones.

Yeah, that's true.

That's why I fucked up with my blade.

Just sweet Michael Douglas, by the way.

Just sweet Will Keith.

Did he also get pussy eating cancer?

Probably.

That's why he looks like that.

He has a speech impediment.

That guy rules.

Imagine being that unfuckable and being like, well, time to live my life publicly on the internet.

Time to make videos of my sword collection.

Do you think, how many times in his life do you think that guy's fucked?

Zero.

Absolutely zero.

He's never had.

Not a single time ever.

I really don't.

There's probably some renovations.

There's probably way more virgins than you think there are.

No, really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's probably way more people that haven't fucked.

I don't know.

You think?

Yeah.

I don't know.

How many people in the world have you?

There's probably more people that haven't fucked and there's more people that have murdered than you think.

Ooh, I like this tape.

Well, you think more people...

Definitely more people haven't fucked than murdered.

I think one in every 20 people is

murdered?

Yeah.

How many people have fucked?

I was talking about getting a gun the other day.

Well, I guess I should keep that.

New York City, you can't fuck around with that.

I know.

That's why I want to see it.

You get Plaxicoed.

Yeah.

What's Plaxico?

Plaxico.

Plaxico Burris.

This

NFL wide receiver who shot himself in the leg at a club and then went to jail.

He got a ton, like, what, four years?

For shooting himself.

Shooting himself, yeah.

What a cell phone!

Yeah, epic.

Um, yeah, the uh, the gun laws really suck here, but apparently, we can go up to Vermont and get guns real easy.

Oh, nice, dude, yeah, Bernie style, yeah, Bernie's a big fan of guns, right?

Well, they try to say that, Bernie fucks with

the I saw him with his shirt off, fucking shooting two ARs, one on each hand, sucking a gun off,

a gay R-15, yes, whatever.

Have they heard that you say that, and then

that should an air horn goes off in the south, and they all have to kill themselves.

That should be the gun reform legislation is that you just change the name to the gay R-50.

I wish I could write for Will and Grace.

Will and Grace is basically this show.

Really?

Jack is like the same as us.

You're Jack.

You're Jack.

Adam's Jack.

Adam's also Will.

You're Adam's Grace.

Yep.

So Will and Grace is.

I'm a guy that fucks Megan Malally's big-ass titties.

Yeah, dude, I would titty fuck her.

Ron Swanson.

I'm Ron Swanson.

If you want my personal opinion.

Dude, can I be honest with you?

I would also titty fuck her.

If I'm being completely honest,

she would get titty fucked.

Absolutely, 100%.

I would love her.

I give her my motions five and three-quarters in her titties.

Her big old whoopee cushion tits.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Making noise, farting.

Sitting on her tits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's just laying her tit on a chair.

I did a really good visual joke, guys.

You missed it.

I'm sorry.

Her voice in real life isn't like on Will and Grace, right?

No, but it's not.

I think she puts that on on for Will and Grace.

I think it's kind of like that.

It's kind of like.

Should we do video content?

Because I really feel like that whole tit on

it.

What have you been doing, Sav?

Eating soy?

No.

The food?

No.

Is that why you have breasts?

No.

You do have breasts now.

Because they're beautiful and luxurious.

You can tell it's you lost weight, but it's not coming off your breasts.

I don't think I lost weight.

I think I'm exactly the same.

You're just growing bigger breasts?

Yeah,

I've been hitting the bench.

Thanks for noticing, guys.

I've been just fucking.

I did like seven push-ups the other day.

Yeah, that's not the bench.

On a bench?

On a bench.

I was sitting on a park bench doing it.

You were just pushing up air.

You were flat on your back pushing up.

Yeah, sitting on the bench where?

Outside of the

ice cream and salty cream.

No!

No!

I told you not to say it.

Outside of Big Gay ice cream, which is a real place.

It's pretty good.

Take it back.

It is actually really good.

They got this one thing.

That salty.

Oh, my God.

That Dolce Deleche salty.

Oh, the salty pimp.

Salty pimp.

I don't don't like that one as much as I like American Glob, I believe, which is their like pretzel, no, which is their pretzel and chocolate.

Pretzel, chocolate, peanut butter, which is my shit.

Yeah, and some money.

You shit that out, huh?

You shit that out?

Your shit.

And my shit.

Dude, if that happened, I would eat my own ass.

I would figure out how to do it.

Would you eat your own shit if you shit out like hamburgers and fucking

curly fries?

We could just get regular hamburgers that weren't Israeli asset.

I was like, you don't need ever need that.

You don't need those ass hamburgers.

You don't save money.

Does it taste like ass at all?

That's not the kind of way

from your business.

You could currently save money by eating out of the garbage.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Okay, but do they taste like regular hamburgers?

Like, what are we talking about?

Are they shit covered?

No, they come out.

No, but they came out of your ass.

Do they come out wrapped in something?

They come out in a woman.

I do love cheeseburger wrappers.

Unwrapping a cheeseburger, that's such a good feeling.

It's so much better than every other feeling in life.

Yeah.

I agree.

I can't wait till you get fat again.

I'm not going to get fat.

At some point, you will.

I'm too goth to get fat.

You will at some point get very fat.

Nah.

You have one more at least in you.

Nah, I'm done.

Maybe you're old or something.

I'm not going to make it to old.

No.

TikTok.

Your next big breakup, you're going to get fat as shit, dude.

Yep.

I'm not going to get fat.

Yeah, you are.

And he's never going to break up.

The next big breakup.

I also don't.

I'm not one of those guys who gets fat when they break up.

I get fat when I'm in a relationship.

Yeah, me too.

I don't get fat, but I just don't.

After getting broken up,

I get jacked when I'm ramping up to break up with somebody.

Yeah.

When you're about to go back on that market, all I know is you will get fat.

My thing now is, no, you know what it is?

It's because I'm old enough now to have the patience to go to the gym.

Because I was impatient when I was younger, but now I'm like, I mean, I could do bonsai and stuff.

Oh, sure.

You're your bonsai girl.

Yeah, yeah, by the day.

I've learned a lot of Zen garden.

I've learned patience.

You've been doing bonsai twice.

Total into a bonsai tree twice.

Didn't you fuck your bonsai tree up?

Yeah, most of them are dead.

I ripped one of their heads off, but

I got angry.

And you ate it.

Well, I signed the lease on a new apartment today.

Oh, you signed the lease?

I didn't know.

Oh, yeah.

Everything's done, dude.

It's done.

Really?

Everything is fucked up.

You're changing the locks tonight.

I'm moving tomorrow.

What?

Oh, no way.

Yeah, dude, because I just wanted to get it over with.

I thought you were moving 5-1.

Do you want that sofa downstairs?

It's really nice.

There's not enough room for it.

Are you sure?

You should measure it.

No, I'm going to get the smaller version of the ones we already have.

Come on, get something nice.

Talk to Matt.

I already got the fucking Ottoman.

I want the couch that matches it.

Because if I'm an Ottoman, you're going to get a couch.

Don't piss me off.

An Ottoman is such a smaller version.

It's a $270 Ottoman that I get.

No, you didn't.

No, you didn't.

I did to match the fucking.

Because I didn't think this was right, literally days before I thought I was going to have to fucking move.

We can make it nice, Nick.

We can make your fucking nice.

You can fucking make yourself quiet.

What do you mean?

You can make myself quiet.

And let me handle it.

He's right about that, Adam.

No, no.

Nick, please, when it comes to aesthetics and interior decor, I've got the right amount of energy.

You've got the right friends.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

No,

the couch is the only thing that I just want that to.

Because

I measured everything based on replacing the couch with the one that I have.

So that aspect doesn't change.

Everything else is fine.

Which Ottoman?

Wait, it matches the black leather couch you have right now?

That, yeah, that chocolate ottoman I have.

I haven't been over to your motherfucker.

That Turkish man before.

That's a long time, actually.

Yeah, that's true.

An Ottoman Turk?

Yeah.

Well, that's offensive to stop.

No, no, I'm happy.

Fuck those fucking people.

Oh, you put your feet on them.

It's a gay Turkish.

It's a fish in their ass.

Cyrus Oz Turk.

Mm-hmm.

Fuck him.

He's bent over on all fours.

I'm like,

I'm big toe in his ass every day as disrespect.

Yo, I remember one time in college, I heard these like four kids talking this language.

I dated this girl who would tell me about her ex-boyfriend putting his foot in her pussy to disrespect her and how hot that was.

I just can't imagine a toenail in your pussy.

Yeah, yeah, it's disgusting.

It's disgusting.

She sucked.

Yeah, that's just, I mean, you get athlete's foot in your pussy.

Imagine getting like a kind of fungus and using shit.

I don't know.

I'm a little bit.

Have you ever had your toes licked in like a

woman wanting to get degraded manner?

Well, my dog licks my feet every day.

And yes, it is sexual.

Yeah, no, the best is

because I don't really give a shit.

I'm not a very sexual person.

I'm more about power.

That's why you're a rapist.

Right.

It's not about sex.

It's about molestation and sex.

That's why you're an active rapist.

Yeah.

That's why I fuck kids.

It's not really about

the sex, really, so much as it is about having sex with children.

Because honestly, they have so much more power over their little asses.

When it comes down to it, kids are very bad at having sex.

Not the best.

It's not about sex.

It's about power.

That's why I hook women up to a car battery.

That's why you have sex at AC Delco

with a girl.

At AC Delco.

Is that the battery place?

What battery place?

A store that's all batteries?

Yeah.

What's that?

AC Delco is like an aftermarket parts company for like spark plugs.

Is that what it is?

Well, that works.

They make like radiators and shit for Toyotas.

I'm saying that's a work.

That was a work.

That was a work.

That's an L.

Do not put that in my L connect.

You meant Napa, I think.

Napa, that's what I meant.

Napa auto parts.

Yeah.

That's what I mean.

Is that where you fuck them?

Yeah, Napa auto parts.

It's where white people drink wine.

All right, I'm done riffing.

You go for it.

Yeah, I'm about to take a Napa after listening to Adam's great race.

Oh, shit, dude.

A couple people, I got to say, also were pretty offended by my Muhammad the Prophet impression in the last episode.

I don't remember.

I just want to apologize.

Do it again because it's too late, dude.

Once you get a fatwa, that's it.

What did you do?

I'm trying to.

Yo, shout out to Muslims for

inventing the public pylon.

You know, that's true.

Yeah, fat culture.

That kind of came up with

that.

Muslims came up with that shit.

And, you know, it seemed like a bad idea when Muslims were blowing people up for doing things like drawing a cartoon.

But now that that seems to be the best way to handle anything, you know, you don't like something, you get people fired.

That's a good point.

Yeah, I guess

shout out.

Muslims get the shout-out of the week.

Real ass Jews.

She's the real-ass Jews of the week.

Shout out to

Najar

Agarab.

I don't know if I'm remembering her name correctly.

Oh, no, shout out to YouTube.

Can we talk about this?

This is Queen.

We got to talk about it.

Yeah, I don't know if

she got represented.

Nurture Moore Female

Mass Shooter of the Sports Boys.

She's the one joke I got.

Take a look at her.

She looks like a guess who character.

That's good.

That bitch's face is fucked up.

It's long.

No, it's got a long ass nose.

It's pinched.

You know what I would say?

It's still smash.

It's like, is your character a mass shooter, folks?

I'm going to just wait until these hot riffs hit the stand.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm actually not on the show.

I'm going to be running these bits by Patrick at the comic store.

Outside.

Next to the Rich Voss merch table.

It's just hats.

Yeah.

It's just a collection of Perry Cuomo style hats.

Yeah.

Yeah,

the shooter, apparently what she she was mad about was she posted like a workout video, and then YouTube age-protected it as 18 plus, and she got real pissed.

Honestly, I can

speed off to some of those workout vids.

Some of those are just pornography.

Maybe.

You know what I mean?

Haven't you seen girls with big-ass butts and titties just squatting and shit?

Yeah, but you can get that on Instagram.

I don't have to go on YouTube.

How about jerkout vids?

Yes.

I agree.

Suzanne Powder's fine, smooth body and her male skull.

There's nothing better than that.

To fuck a woman, to jack off to a fully clothed woman that looks like Bart Simpson.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I want.

That's my shit, dude.

Yeah.

A woman wearing a.

Remember in the beginning of the episode we were talking about sending men your shirtless pics?

Yeah.

There's a nice case being made.

I can't believe that gay guy doxed you like that after sending him such a...

That's not a dox saying.

Well, I mean,

that's personal.

If I'm sending my chest to a gay guy, I hope that he doesn't put it all all over the web.

Hey, hope that there's some sort of innate understanding of the game.

That's part of the game.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is all Nick conspiracy.

This is how he posts these pictures.

He's created a gay man who leaked it.

He's leaking it himself.

She's a little drama queen.

How do you like my progress?

Like my last.

They're not a fan of the game.

This is some 3D chess bullshit.

Yeah, yeah.

You think I'm on?

This is why people are like, oh, Donald Trump knows what he's doing.

Yeah.

Nope.

You're the Donald Trump of sex domestic.

I have no idea.

I'm a man that stumbled ass backwards backwards into a Gran Turismo racing wheel.

And I don't, outside of that, I don't really have a plan.

See, dude, he's playing it down.

Yep.

That's what he's doing.

We're going to see more leaks.

Oh, I'll show you playing it down.

Oh, nice.

Oh, no.

He's at Taibo.

He's playing it down.

Tybo.

Sean Penn.

The most touching movie of the year.

Types.

Playing it down.

Starring Sean Penn.

Everybody, I want to thank you for coming to my community feeder production of Rent.

My name is

Scooter Shamwalk.

I'm the first

open redown syndrome play director.

I'm completely out of the

cookie class.

Oh, whatever.

I'm giving up on that one.

I mean, yeah, that was barely.

That was good.

I had a friend that

did like theater.

It's like, okay, I did some edits.

So instead of 5,21, the minute song, we're not doing that.

We're going to go six minutes.

One.

Yeah.

That's a number I think more people can comprehend.

Actually, it's just colors.

No numbers.

We just say colors that we like.

Ever show you guys

Beryl Howard Kalen?

No.

Oh, my God.

It was like one of my favorite videos on the internet, like 10 years ago.

So in 1993,

there was this center in Palatine, Illinois, for like mentally disabled adults where they had like a little town they could live in and they learned like life skills or whatever.

And they had like an A V program, I guess, where they would like tape shows and then they would put the shows on public access, which huge mistake

shouldn't have done that.

So, some beautiful man,

some

guy who I would aspire to be in the early 90s, had the insight to

tape

this 30-minute broadcast of the Meryl Howard Kalin show,

which is this obese, mentally disabled man who has his own cooking show.

Fuck yeah.

And he, like, in like this completely unsanitary fashion, he prepares like a salad while handling raw chicken.

Yeah, you know, and makes like the most disgusting meal.

It's like a chicken with jell-o.

Yeah.

And nice.

But the whole time he's like, because he wants to be like a TV chef, you know?

Of course.

So he's like doing impressions.

But then it's extremely dated because it's like from 1992.

He's like, I'm Raquel Welch.

Look at me.

The idea,

like just like imagining that a retarded guy now would know who Raquel Welch is.

Yeah, that's funny.

And then do an impression of her.

It's just so funny.

You know, he's like doing French gourmet and Julia Child.

You know, it's really funny.

Check it out.

I was just going to say, I was trying to.

He died, actually.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

People looked up his family.

They were harassing his family.

Hell yes.

The internet rocks.

Got it.

I was in college.

I knew this girl who went to Georgetown, who was in the theater department.

She was directing a play, and I was trying to fuck with her.

So I was like, Yeah, I'll go to your play.

And it was about homelessness and insanity.

Mr.

Freedwood, what if I told you about trying to fuck my actress?

No, so they got.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.

Skittles.

They got a, they got like.

I had to bust my ass off to become a teacher at this school after not even being able to attend it.

They got a real not to have some faggot like you

come in here and try to sell you the drama department.

Mr.

Skittles.

Mr.

Skittles, please.

That's a little much.

Yeah, anyway, but they.

Sorry for being dramatic.

I'm done.

I'm done.

So, what happened to Adam?

They did a play, but they were like, we don't want to have someone play a crazy homeless person.

So, they got a real street person to be in the play.

And they had to cancel it the first night because the guy had a meltdown on stage.

He just started yelling about it.

He's like, fuck, fuck.

You know, like punching himself in the face.

They just put in the random return.

They're like, oh my God.

That's it.

That's it, Eric.

Wean into the moment.

And that was.

Really explore the character here.

And it was so funny because before the play, like her and her.

Don't stop to play.

He's having a boyfriend.

This is real acting.

This is what Buando talked about.

Her and like the co-director gave this fucking self-righteous, like, oh, this is about representation.

Like, we're just trying to tell stories that aren't being told.

Cancel the play, like, opening up.

An acting coach who played a retarded guy back in the 70s, and he was so committed to method acting that he became retarded and couldn't fix himself after.

So now he just has to teach acting because he's...

Yep.

Well, a little bit about myself.

I went to Julia de Juilliard Conservatory, and then in 1973, I was in a commercial production of A My Summit.

And since then, I've never been the same.

Unfortunately, sometimes you give so much of yourself to your art that you're never able to return.

Sometimes you say so much ironic was

stuff that you cross that threshold and your soul can never be saved.

And you might as well just become full was

not that this is what's happened to me or really anyone involved in it.

It's just an example of something that maybe could happen to somebody, theoretically.

Oh, fuck.

I like the idea that maybe he gets like a a lobotomized for the role.

Yeah.

He takes some of his brain out.

Fuck that, dog.

I only get lotopamized.

You know what I'm saying?

Ain't nobody stinking a dick in my brain.

You mean someone fucks your ear?

Someone fucks your brain.

Doctor.

Lobotomy.

The doctor said he's going to stick his dick in my brain.

I told him, fuck no.

You can cut my brain out any way you want, but you are not sticking your dick in there.

So true.

Anyway, so I still got the cancer.

Damn, they used to really fucking...

There was like no, they used to try and fix people from being retarded, right?

Like they used to like

storing them in an attic, you know, and like

yelling at them.

They fucked up, dude.

Now we make them.

That's what jails were originally.

Before they invented crimes, it was just like, what do do we do with all these retarded people?

They're like, lock them up.

Yeah.

I mean, that's still sort of what they were.

Yeah, in Texas.

Yeah.

In Tejas.

Spartans.

Spartans used to just kill anyone that was deformed anyway.

They'd put them in the woods.

Yeah.

A retarded baby, they just drop him in the middle of the fucking woods.

They'd offer myself fucking deer or stuff.

That's badass.

I wish that had happened to me.

That's how.

Yeah, dude.

I would love to be like a Mowgli kind of little boy.

He would get eaten so quick.

No way, dude.

I make friends with the baby.

No way, Bri.

No, I would make it out there on my own.

I would never survive.

Yeah.

Blue would fuck you.

You didn't have a rite of passage ceremony like I did at my bar mitzvah.

You don't know what happened.

What's a Greek bar mitzvah?

We don't have one, unfortunately.

Do Greek churches do confirmations?

My Big Fat Greek Bar Mitzvah?

That'd be a fun movie.

Yeah, we should do it.

Let's shoot it right now.

I never saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

It's a modern cinema classic.

Maybe I should watch that.

The

The Yaya Sisterhood.

That movie.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

The Traveling Pants.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

That also has a movie.

And

the Joy Love Club.

I'm going to watch all the movies I haven't seen.

It's only those four movies.

That's it.

Yeah.

I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with my cousin, and we started.

It was on.

Crying and holding each other.

And then we were like 20 minutes in, we realized it was Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

And then we both looked at each other.

We're like, I just like movies, dude.

Let's just see what happens.

You watched it all?

Yeah, we watched the whole thing.

What's the deal with that?

It has magical pants everywhere.

We pray, love.

No, they're just such tight boy.

They're such, like, such a crew.

I thought they were magical pants.

No, I think they fit everyone.

It's sort of a.

No, yeah, well, yeah, they fit.

Like, one's got like a huge ass.

What's her name?

America Ferreira.

Who's this?

I'm hooking up with Jerry Ferreira from Entourage.

I was hooking up with this dumpy girl for a while.

Nice.

I really hated her.

That's cool.

And

she,

one time, she was like, she was like, but she bought tickets to Europe on a whim.

She's like, I'm doing it.

I'm going to Europe.

And I was like, why are they making a movie about you called Eat, Cry, Eat?

That's good.

And then she cried.

That's a great burn and very cruel.

It was mean.

It's nice.

But hey, I was drunk.

You know, what do you want from me?

What am I supposed to be a saint over here?

Yeah, you're right.

Everybody has flaws.

Anyways, you know what?

I didn't mean to be that mean, but I thought of the burn in my head, and it was right when that movie came out.

Yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong, the burn is unbelievable.

Yeah, it was

too good.

I apologized immediately after.

I'm like, look, you have to understand, you can't let something like that.

Beautiful mind.

Right.

You're allowed to buy tickets to Europe on a whim.

I'm going to have to say things.

You were just visualizing.

I have to call you fat and sad.

Even though I'm going to fuck you

90 minutes after that.

Sure.

Did you smash?

Yeah.

Dude, all the gay men are just so turned on right now by that star.

They shouldn't be treated bad by you.

Yeah, right.

Your big muscles.

I love our gay face.

I don't have big muscles.

I'm just cut.

I got like a little otter thing going on.

Otter.

No.

And Xavier Bear.

Definitely.

No, you're like a little kung.

You're like a kung fu panda.

A kung fu panda.

No, I wish.

That's a fat Asian guy, dude.

You're a little kung fu.

Is that what gay people call fat Asian guys?

I would assume so, yeah.

Is that in their community?

Yeah, I mean, why do they get all they get really fun names?

I know.

They get to just.

I was trying to do a bit about this, but Sean Donnelly basically has the same bit.

But his angle is that, like, if you're gay and you're fat, you get to be a bear.

But it's not even true.

Like, a very fat guy, they just call a chub.

And it's like, everyone else gets a chance.

It's like a chub chaser.

Everyone gets otter.

Everyone gets like fucking wolf and shit.

And then if you're just fat, they're like, just.

Is that what I am?

I'm a wolf.

No, you're a twing.

You're a twink.

That's what I'm saying.

You're

a thousand percent a twink.

That's not true.

You haven't seen me without my shirt on recently.

Yes, we have.

I look pretty fucking shit.

You look terrible.

You're getting all soft, too.

You look like you belong in diapers.

Oh, shut up.

If any of the gay guys that I send those pictures to leak that on the internet, I'm going to be really

balls.

See, I won't.

Do what my

will, dude.

In fact, you know what?

I appreciate the move.

I like it.

Exactly.

The power move.

It's all about power for Nick.

Now he's turned on by the gay guy.

I don't really know how to operate unless people are fucking with me.

Yeah, dude, just things could be nice.

I can't deal with sincerity.

What was I going to say?

So you're a chub and not a bear?

I'm a little bit of a bad.

How do you become a bear?

I'm a cub, I would say.

You don't have enough hairless bear.

A cub is a hairless bear.

Not just a smaller bear.

I don't know the exact.

I just, I don't feel like I'm a bear.

I'm not hairy enough.

Nick, you've been shaving your chest?

No, I've never shaved my chest.

Are you going to get into that when you get to your ideal?

No.

No.

It's really uncomfortable.

I did it one time, and when it grows back, it's like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's worse than sunburn.

Are you going to be doing the like the bronzer kind of thing, like Mr.

Olympia kind of stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

Going around in speedos and stuff.

That's the funniest part of that

weightlifting competitions is that they're all in blackface.

Yeah, that's where they do that.

Weightlifting competitions.

You know exactly what you're talking about.

Powerlifting, just smearing fucking bronzer on.

No, you're fucking fucking fucking retarded Kazakh guy.

Oh, not weightlifting.

You know what I mean?

Like, Mr.

Olympia, bodybuilding.

Not weightlifting.

Whatever.

Yeah, before all the weightlifting competitions, they put on their geared speed-ups.

That's cool.

That would be awesome because those guys are fat as shit, dude.

Yeah.

That would be so funny to just see this fucking, just some fat Japanese guy.

Yeah.

You should get into bronzer.

You should have like an unfortunate.

No, my next move after this is I become a Yokozuno.

Did you see this phone?

Somebody sent it to you.

What?

What was it?

It's literally just a video of a guy lifting weights.

It's a woman lifting.

Oh, it's a woman.

Okay.

Is she not?

Yeah.

Are you going to do the Tom of Finland thing in your living room?

Yeah, that, and I told Stop, the other edition is taxidermy.

I hate that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I hate that idea.

You should have like heads.

Well,

I want to get like

maximum

commissioned.

Like, you get like...

Like a zebra or a horse or something or a lion, but it's the head, and then you stretch the skin over like a man skeleton's body with just a huge penis.

Okay, I'm back in.

That's cool.

Yeah, that rules.

Just, you know, he's like scratching.

Yeah.

Just pause up.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

But it's hard, but it's hanging.

Yeah.

But also like breasts.

Like

three pairs of tits.

Three tits.

Three pairs.

Six tits.

Three luscious tits with a big ass.

The ultimate animal gender.

Or like the three tits from.

Or maybe I could get a taxidermied Julia Vinns for my apartment.

Completely nude.

You just want someone in Russia.

I mean, it's not that expensive to have a hit taken out in Russia.

Yeah, don't kill her skin, dude.

I wouldn't kill Julia.

Well, he wants the killer to be close enough.

Literally.

Oh, you murdered that vagina.

Yeah, right.

Get a little Zorro in that pussy.

Just a little seed.

If you guys could steal powers from one person, prepare to have your pussy destroyed.

By Will Keith, De Bruisman.

If you could steal someone's essence, like Space Jam style,

you take some talent that someone has and you put it into your body, what would it be?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Probably some app guy.

So you just make apps.

Yeah, it would be nice to just have a billion dollars right now and then check out.

I guess.

I mean, I'm so close to you with your time.

Yeah, you basically kill myself.

Kill yourself?

Work out?

Yeah.

Get a sailboat, learn how to sail, like at least out in the middle of the ocean and blow my brains out.

Okay.

That'd be pretty funny.

You could get into like.

Can you FaceTime me while while you're about to do it?

Yeah.

If I had a lot of money, I'd try to get into like.

Oh, before that, I would wait till next Halloween because I want to do it's my costume.

Oh, yeah.

What's your Halloween costume?

But it's trans blue, but then also with the Joker makeup.

Oh, cool.

It's Joker Trans Blue.

Oh, yeah, dude.

That's a good ass idea.

That's a good ass idea.

Everyone will get it.

Sense ass breaking idea.

Everyone will know exactly what I'm doing.

Just go to parties I wasn't invited to.

You're just in a bear costume and have

what's going on exactly with the Joker.

Just walk around Bushwick until I find a door that's unlocked.

I'm like going to a party.

I'm not too stoked about my Halloween costume.

H-ween.

Yeah.

Dasha has a couples idea.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Where you go as Dasha?

She wants to go as Woody Allen as her ex-boyfriend.

That would rock.

If I went as Sun Yee and she went as Woody Allen, that would rock.

No, if she wants to do like a Marie Antoinette kind of like gay French kind of thing,

I think that'd be kind of embarrassing.

Yeah, you kind of do look like a marquee already.

Yeah.

Yeah, thank you.

You have like the Marquis.

You're like the guy in the French court that they would all fuck his ass when the women were busy.

The jester.

You want to know how I got these scars?

Uh-huh.

From getting fucked in the ass by the Marquis.

marquee.

Yeah.

I had a mole removed.

No, yeah, I don't know if I'm convinced that I want to do that.

What are you going to do?

Something with Eldis?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Maybe we'll just be the Eminem.

Dude, that's a great costume.

You really should.

Yeah.

Oh, you know what?

I want to do this year and I didn't do is Joelle Santana and Cameron.

You know what's funny is whenever you go to a Halloween

Halloween party, there's always like some grown man who's like 32 years old in like an Army man costume.

Yeah.

And it's like, just don't do a costume.

Yeah.

That's stealing.

That's

like six years old.

All right, this is broken up.

Does he paint his hair green, his face green and shit?

Like,

all the way?

No, that's the Hulk.

That's not an Army man.

No, like, he means like a

Gile, Army Man, like figurine.

Stop, you should be guile for Halloween.

You should just dye.

No, hold on.

Just dye the little amount of hair you have.

And then you get to attack.

And the bottoms.

Yeah, that would be kind of fun.

That would be hilarious.

So it's like, who are you exactly?

Oh, my God.

What do you mean?

I'm nailing it.

That's actually really funny.

They just jacked people and make people and then get offended.

That's so funny.

I saw a guy at a bar a couple years ago, and he was already kind of jacked.

But then he had

already kind of jacked, and he already had a receding hairline.

Nice.

Like, it was already pretty far back in his head, but he had fake muscles on on top of his muscles, and then he shaved his receding hairline back so you could tell that it was like shaved to be more receding.

And I was like, Are you supposed to be Jason Satham?

And he's like, Yeah.

I was like, That's the funniest.

Just barely

yourself.

Yeah, he was, he already, yeah, right.

It just like added to what he already was.

I should just wear like a black suit and be like, I'm fucking John Wick, dude.

Just a black suit.

Like, what?

A fat guy in an ill-fitting suit.

Like, nah, dude, I'm fucking.

Just grow a shitty beard, a shitty patchy beard.

That's so funny.

Yeah, that's that opens up a whole like every action movie, every like, yeah

That's perfect.

I'm John Wicking John Wick dude grow my hair out

as long as I can

I'm John Wicking Fat homeless guy who found a suit in the fucking thrift store

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

That would be so awesome.

I think you should do that, honestly.

Oh shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm John.

I'm John Wick, bro.

Maybe I'll grow my hair out for Halloween dude.

Figure something out.

No, man, I was laughing so hard.

We were at the bar the other night, and Stav was all high.

And that was like fucking like Werewolves of London or something is playing.

Yeah, yeah.

And Stav's like...

He's like

singing along.

And then he goes to play air instruments, but he can't decide which instrument he wants to drums or guitars.

He's doing drums with one hand and then like the neck of the guitar with the other

fucking rules.

Wow, that's cool.

Yeah, I've been getting very high again.

Yeah, you were so fucked up the other night.

What are you?

You're eating weed again?

No, not yet, but we're going to get there soon.

Somebody ate all my weed.

Yeah, I'm not eating stems and shit.

They're at least edibles.

Sorry, dude.

I was pretty hungry.

No, I'm just smoking vape pens a lot.

Oh, okay.

I'm back on weed after a six-month to nine-month absence.

I think I'm going to stop after this weekend.

I smoke heady indicas.

Oh, indicas?

After my birthday party?

Perhaps.

Oh, yeah, guys, I'm having a birthday party on Saturday night.

Why are you saying that?

They don't know where it is.

I'm just bragging.

Yeah, they probably.

I'm throwing myself a surprise party.

Enough people that we sort of know listen to this show that now you've opened yourself up to some horrible shit now.

Yeah, I was just kidding.

I'm not actually drunk.

I know exactly who I'm thinking of.

Should we say his address?

Do you want to give it a drink?

Don't say my fucking address.

I won't.

I'm just.

Two.

Shut up.

One.

Shut the fuck up.

It was a joke about the birthday party and about those two numbers.

Yeah.

Those are both jokes.

Please.

You really fucked up.

That's on you, pal.

Yeah.

I mean, Nick, also.

I'm John Wake.

I'm John Wake.

John Wake, dude.

What are you talking about?

Got a little fake toy gun in your black suit.

You would look so bad.

I just look like a fucking car salesman in a black and white suit.

I look like a missionary.

Just

stringy ass, fucking Krusty the Clown here.

No wig.

Grow out my hair.

Grow out my patchy beard.

I like that look for you, though.

You should go long, bald pony.

You've been talking about it.

That's definitely going to happen at some point in my life.

I'm just not ready yet.

God damn it.

That's funny.

This year, I think I'm doing enough.

This spring, it's 230.

No, we could say that to be like, oh,

or a dude with this mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and say, I'm Tom Selick.

Yeah, I'm Tom Hardy, an inception.

Jimming Blazer.

Yeah, I'm Bronson.

No, Bronson's bald, dude.

Oh, yeah, but I'm balder than muscle.

We need facial hair, hair, and jacked.

That's the secret to this costume, I think.

Oh, fuck.

And like a different race would be nice, too.

Yeah.

To really like make it stupid as shit.

I might be Raiden this year.

That's not bad.

Yeah.

Maybe I should be.

Maybe we should do Sonya characters.

Yeah, if you're Sonia, you already have the physique for it.

Yeah, I could do Sonia.

Yeah, dude.

Just get a green one-piece bikini, your nuts just hanging out of it.

Because it's very high weight.

You can basically see your bush.

I can get a stick out one side, balls out the other.

And then I go trick-or-treating.

That's so funny.

An adult man going trick-or-treating exposed to you guys as Sonia.

I could get like a Sailor Moon costume and go as

going around as Luigi, but with your dick pulled through the zipper.

Trick-or-treating.

That works for anybody.

What is this?

You're like, I'm Waluigi.

The weird Luigi.

He's bad Luigi.

Oh, fuck.

Wow, Halloween is...

We're really got a lot of people.

Only six months away.

I've never thought about Halloween

in advance before we can.

We'll go with Steve Harvey for Halloween.

Yeah.

Ooh, we should be the first kid.

We should be the original king.

Cedric, of course.

I would be.

Not Bernie Mac.

I would be Bernie Mac.

You're D.L.

Hughley.

No, I wouldn't be.

You're clearly D.L.

Hughley.

How about we do like the Chase?

Make love for Hughley.

Down low.

Oh, Down Low.

Do people say he's gay?

The gay, the black, gay, homosexual underworld.

DL?

I don't know.

If he was, choosing the name DL, pretty bold.

Pretty brave.

Or it's a good bat signal for other guys.

How about P Smell Hughley?

Mm-hmm.

He smells like P.

Sleeve.

P.

Smell Hughley?

Yeah.

I like that idea.

That sounds a little bit like I like that a lot, actually, personally.

It sounds like what?

Like DL.

It sounds like it.

Yeah, P.

Smell Hughie.

Pea Smell, yeah.

Yeah.

There's one thing I hate is how bad I smell.

I don't even remember his stand-up.

Yeah, it's not good.

No.

He's definitely the worst one.

Yeah.

Although, Cedric.

No, the order goes Bernie Mac, one, Cedric, two, Martin Lawrence, Martin Lawrence.

He's not even a fan of it.

Chris Rock.

Oh, we're just, I thought we were ranking Brad.

Barack, Barack Obama,

Trayvon Martin, Michael Jordan.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

W.E.B.

Du Bois.

Trinia, the trans woman from

Orange is

Darth Vader's voice.

Uncle Ben from the Uncle Ben

Rice.

Grimace from McDonald's.

It's true.

You've never heard Grimace talk.

I used to do a joke about how McDonald's gets way too excited about Black History Month.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, and it's like, I mean, not to do the bit, but, you know, it's like suddenly the hamburgler's just been shot by the police.

Grimace has lips all of a sudden.

Which I thought that was such a good line: Grimace has lips all of a sudden, because you imagine Grimace with like lips, just big purple lips.

And it's like, what?

Well, that's too much.

That's just blackface.

Yeah.

Because if you give Grimace a lip.

I guess the joke would never work, even though I don't know.

I still don't understand comedy.

Yeah.

My understanding of it is you go on stage and say the most racist things you can think of, and then people laugh at it.

But sometimes it doesn't work.

It's interesting, you know, makes you understand the nuances of art.

Dude, that's so good.

Anyways,

back to the drama teacher that has Down syndrome.

Because he went too deep method.

He's Meisner, yeah.

Adam, you should do a Meisner method action.

How about the crystal method acting?

Oh, that's cool.

Like that.

Trip hop kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah.

Get busy, child.

I guess you didn't know.

Did they do Smack My Bitch Up with that?

No, that's the Prodigy.

That's the Prodigy.

You fucking idiot.

Dude, sorry, I don't know enough about

CM.

You're so not cool.

Is that idea?

You don't listen to cool music.

All you know about is ideal.

Me and my Romanian friends listen to

my bitch.

Take my bitch.

Yeah, really cool tunes, man.

One thing I love is to listen to really cool tunes where too much cologne and beaches.

You got to love beaches.

I've never had sex.

Yeah, I like that.

I like the Numa Numa Yay song.

That's the one.

Suck my fucking dick.

Yeah, that one.

Suck my little fucking dick.

fucking dick.

I fuck my father.

Eat his little fucking dick.

I think it's about time to wrap this up.

It's about that time.

Are we going to mozzy on?

One thing I like about toddlers

is that preschoolers is.

Yeah.

That's the thing I love about these old-ass women.

I'm younger than them, and I fuck them.

Outside the nursing home,

the older they get,

the harder my dick gets.

You know what I'm saying?

People are like, are you talking to me?

Who's he talking to in that scene?

Two other guys.

Two other guys.

Yeah.

I thought it was just people walking by on the street.

Yeah, Ben Affleck's a bully in that.

He tries to paddle somebody.

Why are people talking so much about Ben Affleck and like shitting on him?

Because he has a bad back to him.

What's going on with Ben Affleck in escape rooms?

What is this?

People keep talking about.

No, no, don't go into my act.

What the hell is this that people are talking about?

I don't know.

Adam Friedland here.

You're listening to the Adam Friedland radio show.

Folks, let me ask you this.

Escape rooms.

Nobody knows what the expense are.

Hold on a second.

Nobody knows.

Hold on a second.

Okay.

All right.

Nobody knows what the expenses are.

I know you're worked up.

I'm sorry.

I'll let you finish.

Hold on a second.

That's not me talking this question.

That's like the majority of talk radio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's posing a question 19 different ways with 45 seconds and dead air in between.

Obamacare.

That's what they're calling it.

That's That's not what I'm calling it.

That's what they chose

to call this.

It rules, dude.

Now, really, is that?

Tell me, is that?

No, really, I want you to tell me.

I'm sorry, I'm getting worked up.

I'm getting a little worked up over here.

I'm a little upset.

I'll be honest with you.

Honesty is always something I have a feeling.

Because, like most people, I've worked hard

to be where I'm at in life.

Swollen prostate.

I've got five hairs left on my head.

I'm addicted to OxyContin.

I'm addicted to it.

I had knee surgery in 1987, and I've been doing the equivalent of seven bags of heroin and back pain pills since then.

So, what I'm saying is, I'm a patriot, and I deserve to get the military discount at the movie theater.

So, when you pass a piece of legislation that says that I have to pay for some retarded kids' anti-choking medicine, I'm sorry, but it makes me pissed off.

And if if you're pissed off, I want you to call in in the next 45 minutes.

We've got two tickets to go see Rush at the Lincoln Center.

We're going to go see Rush together, and we're going to scream at them for their bullshit Canadian ideas

about free health care.

Hi, Adam.

Longtime caller.

Is it true that all those kids are not only crisis actors, but they're gay?

I'll take my call off the air.

Thank you.

You know, I don't really like the term crisis actor.

You know?

Why?

Because it makes it sound more fun than it is.

I like movies.

You know, I like crisis.

I'm having a midlife crisis right now.

I bought a Porsche, and I ran up $30,000

in credit card debt for NZite pills.

Basically, every email I got about regaining the erections I thought I had back in high school.

Hi, Adam.

Are you ever going to

offer refunds on all the NZITs that you personally sponsored for the last six months?

You gave us your guarantee.

This show doesn't sell anything.

Any endorsements that I've done, I'm not responsible for.

And I think that the 35-minute disclaimer at the end of the episode

make it clear that that's not my responsibility.

You're listening to the faggot in the morning.

Oh, dude, I want to be a.m.

1070, Long Island's fucking radio station.

The only radio station in Long Island.

Fuck.

Did we talk about that shooter enough?

What did she do?

Oh, yeah.

It was a lady, and

she also said that 8% of anal sex cases result in pregnancy.

That's true.

Which I agree with.

If your juice is strong enough, it'll swim through your ass, up into your mouth, jump out, jump into the pussy.

So that's right, gay men.

Get look again.

Yeah.

Double check.

You know, we should, we should let.

The scientists tried to tell you it can't happen.

Okay.

That's why it's like that's like a there's like a pregnant gay guy with like a little tattoo of a bumblebee on his lower back.

And he's like, the scientist said he shouldn't be able to fly.

What if the next Jesus, what if the Messiah is

a baby that comes out of a gay man's

immaculate fucking conception baby.

Because everybody else was saying Mary probably just got fucked.

Right.

Right.

But now there's no way.

Yeah.

No way.

That's what God should do.

This is a

lot of Tom Myers bit.

Nah, dude.

Tom, Tommy.

Tom, Tommy.

Go ahead and take that one.

Get him on the show.

Yeah, we should.

I was trying to get him booked for Skanks Fest, but Lewis is like, I don't know who that is.

And it's like, well, look into it.

Lewis, come on.

Yeah.

You're missing a beautiful golden opportunity.

Yeah.

I mean, Skanks Fest headlining Tom Myers would be the funniest thing.

Unbelievable.

That'd be incredible.

He tagged me in like a memories thing.

I guess

that thing happened five years ago.

Yeah.

It's so funny.

We're going to be like dying before we know it.

It'll be the end of our lives and be like, remember a couple weeks ago we went to that Tom Iris thing?

Remember, what was that?

Like six months ago?

I'm like, shit, I'm 62.

Tom's been dead for 12 years.

Tom's been dead for 30 years.

Tom, remember, he died in that bong hit transplant.

And that's the show, folks.

Right.

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