Ep. 96 – Dan Schneider Goes Down

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Suck my father's penis.

Suck my father's penis.

Suck his sucks, suck suggestions.

Sucking on his penis.

I gotta go in earlier.

I can't remember how it went, but it's

Mario going into a cave music.

Suck my father's pen.

Sucking on his dick and his asshole until he comes in my mouth and my asshole.

Yeah, it was good, man.

When we hit it, we had lightning in the motherfucking bottle.

Yeah,

people don't know that we're constantly.

We're singer-songwriters.

I'm like John Lennon.

Yeah.

I'm more of a James Taylor.

My dick hurts.

Yeah, dude.

You keep rubbing your cock.

It hurts.

In a suggestive but medical way.

Yeah.

Like, I can clearly see the outline of your cock every time you do it.

Yeah.

But you're in pain.

Yeah, yeah.

It's kind of hard for me to see the outline, but just because it's so small.

It's too black for you.

Yeah.

That's like a fun character.

Like the black guy with a really small dick.

And the girl's like, I can't feel it.

He's like, maybe it's too dark.

It's so true.

It's too dark.

Dark, you fucking

white bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's how that bitch is.

That's okay.

It is really small.

He's fucking a white lady.

So it makes it okay to make that joke.

It's like my father's penis.

Yeah, fucking, you know, someone got mad, they posted that Ty Bow clip, and they're like, oh, here's the host of Cometown doing AAVE for three minutes.

They're like, this is literally a minstrel show.

Why can't we get socialists to disavow this?

And it's like,

they think that retarded people

are black.

Whoa.

guess what, motherfuckers?

You're the offensive ones.

We're regular level offensive, talking like retarded people.

Sure, fine.

But the fact that you think

you combine the two of them?

You know what I'm saying?

Great, great.

A pint name cookies.

That's me.

I'm a pint name cookies.

I was eating cookies.

I got Down syndrome, but that don't stop me from getting Down syndrome.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, dude.

A pin.

Well, so thank you.

They're the little Keebler ones, too.

Yeah.

The M ⁇ A.

It's D-D-O-W-N-S.

The double-D stands for an extra dose of damn chromosomes.

So thank you to At Stalin.

Didn't do anything wrong for a great suggestion.

Black retard character.

Thank you.

Thank you for comedy professor guy with

statue in his avatar.

That's how you know somebody's going to be chill as shit.

A picture of some

young Lennon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

fucking nerds.

Yeah.

Do you see Paul McCartney was marching in that march for John Lennon?

Oh, because he's a victim of gun violence?

He got shot.

Maybe John Lennon shouldn't have said that he was bigger than Jesus.

I mean, I'm,

you know, I've never, ever had a problem with John Lennon being murdered.

He deserved it 100%.

Yeah, he disrespected our Lord and says, hubris of that.

No, I mean, obviously, Jesus isn't real.

But to say that you're more famous than Jesus,

it's just

you should be murdered.

Yeah, for that.

No one's allowed to be that fucking arrogant.

I mean, also, you're not.

Right.

You think you're like anybody that think anybody that thinks they're bigger bigger than first of anybody that thinks they're Jesus should be killed, probably.

They think you're a Messiah or something.

Yeah, just in case.

But to be some lunatic that's like, what if a submarine was a different color?

And then you think you're a fucking god.

Ringo.

That was a ringo song thousands.

That was the one time they let Ringo.

Maybe they should have killed Ringo.

I think so.

He's still alive.

You know, they're vegan.

Yeah, I saw that.

It was like a PETA tweet that the two Beatles that are alive are vegan.

As if

John Lennon got shot because he ate.

What happened to George Harrison?

A guy shot him too?

He got cancer.

Oh, did he?

I think, yeah.

Didn't some guy break into his house or something?

I remember this from a family guy.

I don't know what actually happened, but there was like a joke on Family Guy that implied it.

Yeah,

he was the spiritual one.

He was really into Hari Krishna or whatever.

You guys watching that nephew?

He's like a bingo star, and he's a dog.

Oh,

he's like, we're all re-revolved.

And he's retarding.

Guess what?

Is for anybody that says that Come Town doesn't do any bits for children?

You know what's great?

I'll probably be able to transition into children's entertainment.

You think so?

Yeah, after the Dan Schneider thing, you know, I mean, it's like, it's really, as long as you don't fucking free dance.

Congrats, Nick.

Yeah, free dance.

Free moment.

He got $7 million.

He got $7 million to leave Nickelodeon.

Jesus Christ.

So he got a lot of people.

He got a rape, but a child rape.

Jesus fucking Christ.

That guy is just...

I mean,

it's like you

imagine what a fat Jewish child molester looks like.

Yeah.

I don't think it's Jewish.

Schneider?

Schneider?

Yeah, that's just German.

Yeah, it could be.

It could be either or.

Yeah, it's like how Mayer isn't always,

you know.

Or Meyer, sorry.

Meyer isn't always Jewish.

Well, either way, he looks horrible and disgusting.

Let's just say he's Jewish.

I'll give it.

I'll let you I'll I'll let you say I mean culturally yes obviously he controls the entertainment industry and he rapes children

the man himself is not Jewish by chance yeah he doesn't need a fucking yarmulke when he's got those two

well congrats Nick you did it you did it man that three-week period where you didn't sleep it was worth it somebody stabbed Corey Feldman in his car well yesterday that was your fault too I'm telling you man they're like it's it's pizza gate is real you think Feldman's a rapist too?

No, he was a victim.

No, he was a victim, but I'm sure he also diddled.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got to get his mind off.

The return to the scene of the crime.

That's the cycle of violence.

Yeah.

Sex violence.

The history of violence.

Yeah.

Which I need to re-watch.

I want to watch it again, too.

With Nico Mortensen.

Yeah.

Black and black theme.

I actually re-watched it.

It was good.

It's sick.

We talked about it.

David Cronenbrand.

He's eating pussy big time in it.

That's what I like.

Yeah, he rapes his wife.

No, he does not.

Well, sort of, yeah, it's weird.

But she's into it.

Yeah, that's usually how sex for me goes.

Yeah.

You catch him, you know,

and they don't like it at first.

Like

a fish

flopping around.

And they accept their fate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get ready to be fucking grilled that evening.

Yeah.

And they're like, also make the best of this.

I was saying on the stage the other night, it's like, I feel like...

I'm sort of like a groundhog because of all the Me Too shit.

I'm like a groundhog, like, just poking his head out of the ground, like, rape joke.

Go back in, maybe?

See what I can get away with in my shadow.

Go back into your hole.

Rape Satani Phil.

Yeah.

That's who you are, dude.

Sucks a tiny Phil.

Sucks a tiny prick.

Something like that.

Do you remember that video of the Groundhog biting that mayor in the ear?

Yeah.

That was a great video.

Yeah, didn't he toss that guy?

And didn't they kill the Groundhog for that?

Pucks a tawny Phil?

They killed the Groundhog.

The mayor just took a gun out.

I was like, You don't fucking bite me, motherfucker.

Just shot him point blank.

Smashed his head in with a little ball peen hand.

I think it's fucked up that there's a Staten Island Chuck and he doesn't get more pub.

What is that?

Staten Island Chuck is a Groundhog.

Oh, he also does the Minor League.

Yeah, Minor League Groundhog.

Oh, a Staten Island version.

Yeah, Staten Island Chauhlha.

That's cool.

Did you guys know that?

What?

There's a minor league?

Staten Island Chuck is a competitor to Puxatoni Phil.

Really?

Yeah.

But no one hears about it.

He's a general.

That's the rape joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It already exists.

Yeah, if he says the N-word, then there's six more months of winter

or something.

That sounds good.

I like a nice Staten Island rodent.

About Spatsen Island.

Everybody's got Spats.

Yeah, I was.

They're like a dumb type of shoe from the 20s.

Oh, I don't know that.

You know, those shoes that are white on top.

like a bowling shoe here hold on no it might be like creepers it might be a thing you're talking about no it might be a thing that goes over

like a regular shoe

hold on like a shoe guard no i'm just gonna pull them up because you'll recognize them immediately those are spats oh yeah

donald ducks i thought those were creepers um isn't that what like uh rockability people wear no no they yeah they wear creepers but those are like platform but they're like platform versions of that yeah they're a little different.

Well, anyways, it's a cloth gator that goes over the top of the shoe.

Interesting.

You know what kind of arcane footwear I like?

I was at the stand, and Aaron Berg's like, Aaron was like,

You think I can pull off Tim's?

And it's like, yeah, everyone can wear Tims.

They're fine.

He's like, huh, really?

And we're like, yeah.

And then he shows his phone and he's got, they're like spats, Tims.

Well, no, not those, obviously.

You can't go around looking like goofy.

Yeah, you think I can pull off, you think I pull off a suit?

And it's like, yeah, sure.

And he's just like, is the ass that cut out of the suit?

It's the Riddler's suit.

It seems nice.

Ashless chaps seem like they would be very breathable, you know?

By the way, I bought overalls.

Ashless.

Ashless overalls.

No, not assless, just a little overall.

You got overballs.

I mean, overalls are technically overballs.

Overballs?

No, I like the idea that overballs.

You just think overalls are called overballs?

And people are like, why are you calling that?

It's because it goes over your balls.

They're like, yeah, but it goes over everything.

No, I want a little overall.

They're like, no, you can see my arms, motherfucker.

Stupid idiot.

That's true.

Not overall.

It's definitely over balls.

They're more over balls than they are overalls.

That's true.

They're completely over balls.

Yeah.

And that's the show.

That's a bit that we get.

No, I like the idea that it's a little overall and your cock is out where the neck is, where the head is.

It just covers your balls.

That's cool.

Like a nice little hammock.

Yeah, the balls.

I like that.

What kind of overalls?

Or actually, your balls are coming out of the bottom like feet.

Did you get seersucker overalls?

No.

Or like denim.

How do you fuck...

Are there shits?

Like Oshkosh Bagosh, like training.

You get like baby overalls?

Yeah, that's what I want.

No, I didn't, but I should.

I saw a picture of Andre 3000 wearing those, and I was like, wow, that's cool now.

Searsucker overalls?

I used to have them as a baby.

Yeah, me too.

I got a cute-ass picture of me in those, and then also in a little sailor outfit.

Yeah,

I was like draped in Oshkosh Pagosh.

Oh, yeah, that was the shit, dude.

I remember that was the first brand I wanted.

Oh, yeah.

Like, that was the first brand I used to do.

It was like cool-ass babies because

they would advertise on like Saturday morning cartoons and shit.

Apparently, I used to throw tantrums when we were at the mall to go to Jim Barreak.

Yeah, that makes sense.

They had a ball pit.

And so I wanted to play in the ball pit.

You're very tantrum.

You get to give off tantrum vibes.

I wasn't tantrum.

I was a runner, actually.

You were a tip.

I would run away at coward.

You're like, I'm going to play with the girl doll.

Your dad's like, not again.

You've had your two hours today to play with the girl

toys.

Please, just for five seconds, play with the truck.

You like touch it and start crying.

Like, it feels so wrong.

I just want to shove the easy bake oven into my pussy.

You don't have a pussy

for the last time.

It's your ass.

Call it your ass, home.

As a three-year-old, Adam called his ass his pussy.

It's my boy pussy.

My boy putty.

I have to go poo-poo out of my putty, mommy.

I have to push a dick out of my pussy.

A shit dick out of my pussy, mommy.

They're called turds.

It's your ass, and they're called turds!

Yeah, that's what happened to you.

That's true.

That was your life at the gym bore.

I never stepped foot in a damn gym bore.

I don't even know what a gym bore is.

It was the kids.

Yeah.

But they had like a play place in it, so it's like fun.

You got a play place in you.

What's that?

I don't get it.

My what?

Your heart and your mind.

The imagination in your mind.

Beautiful imagination.

I can be anywhere I want.

You got a play place every time you open a book, man.

Yeah.

I got a PlayStation.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

What's that?

I don't need to fucking

literally a PlayStation.

No, yeah.

PlayStation 4.

I have a GameCube.

I have those ads for PlayStation 2 that was like the PlayStation 9.

It was like a ball, like some gelatin ball that went into your skin.

Yeah, I remember that.

No, I don't remember.

I remember thinking that was such a cool ad.

Yeah.

Damn.

When PS2 was coming out.

They had like this ad for the PlayStation 9.

Oh, like in the way it is.

Yeah, it was like in the future, yeah.

And it's just like some ball that you hold and it like transports you.

It's like some VR shit.

Yeah.

And then there's only been two more PlayStations since then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they look exactly the same.

They look exactly the same.

The graphics are a little bit better and like they cost.

The difference is now it costs like a thousand dollars

to get all the shit.

Yeah.

Although I gotta say, man, I played a little Vice City

recently.

It looks like shit compared to

the new one.

But was that PS1?

No, it was PS2.

Did you play the Vice City HD re-release?

No,

fuck.

No, it looks just as bad.

Oh, damn.

But you could download it on the PlayStation Store.

Oh, yeah, that's probably what I have then.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it looks like shit.

Yeah, I got the Bioshock HD remake.

It looks okay.

Yeah.

But I just remember how fucking much my cock got blown out when I saw how the strippers?

How good Madden looked on PS2?

Yeah.

Shit was wild, dude.

That was a wild time.

Yeah, I thought it was incredible.

But that's the biggest jump we've made video game-wise, from PS1 to PS2.

And from, like, N64 to GameCube.

PS1 was like...

As the hardware gets older, the developers get better at, like, making things look better.

So games will continue to look better on, like, PlayStation 4.

So by the time they are done with PlayStation 4, it'll probably look pretty sick.

What about Dolphin?

Remember there's something always...

Everyone kept saying something called Dolphin was going to come out.

I think that turned into the Wii.

Oh, really?

Yeah, Nintendo Dolphin.

Or maybe it was the GameCube.

Everyone was waiting for fucking Nintendo to come drop the big ones because they had us as children and then just let Xbox and fucking PS take over.

Did Switch do well?

Has it done well?

I think so.

I don't want to play that shit, though, because I don't know.

You could do it on the train, though.

You can take it with you.

I don't want to do it.

I don't know.

Something about it doesn't look good.

Amber has one.

It looks too big.

Yeah,

she plays it portable, but like, you can plug it into the TV.

You can get one of those Supreme Cross body bags.

The thing is, it's a real hype video switch.

Video games got good enough where it's like I only need one video game.

Yeah.

Like when I played Modern Warfare 2, it was like I don't need to play anything else.

And I would just sit there playing Modern Warfare 2 all day long for like seven hours.

Well, because you can play online.

Yeah.

Battlefields like that.

And I play Grant Turismo a lot.

Yeah, you got that little wheel, dude.

You got the wheel?

It fucks up my shoulder.

Their $800 wheel?

Yeah.

Well, I have already latent shoulder issues, but using that wheel makes it worse.

It exasperates.

Now you're never going to be a fucking Formula One driver.

No, man.

That's the reason because of my fucking injuries.

Because I'm wounded.

Fuck, dude.

What's going to be your next career after this, dude?

This?

Yeah, if it's not going to be.

Nickelodeon Kids Coordinator.

Literally Dan Schneider.

I changed my name.

I demand to be, my job title be Dan Schneider.

Nick Mullen, senior Dan Schneider, Nickelodeon.

How credited is that on the shows I come up with?

Yeah, it's going to be funny how bad their shows are going to be now.

Nickelodeon's going to have like a ratings tank because that guy who fucked all the children still just produced hits.

Yeah.

So they're doing it.

He was good at it.

He was very good at his job, but he had sex with children.

Right, right.

We have to get rid of him.

And they think, like, well, no, we'll figure it out.

And then the next show is about like, it's a girl and she's on Twitter and like, you know, her and her friends are in a band together.

It's like all the same ingredients, but it just doesn't fucking work.

Right.

What if that's what makes you a good child actor?

Of course.

It definitely does.

Because it makes you more raw.

And that's what you need to be a good actor.

Yeah.

I mean, say what you want about Dan Schneider.

The man's an artist.

Yeah.

You know who else fucked weird?

Rambeau.

You know?

So true.

John Rambeau.

John John Rambeau.

I don't know.

When he was gunning down the Vietnamese.

Dan Schneider is the guy who knocked that man

that French poet that had sex with men and then quit doing poetry at like 21.

Oh, nice.

Oh, that's cool.

Didn't you still have sex with men?

Isn't that what you have to do to be a poet?

Yeah, you're not a poet unless you fuck with it.

There's no like straight guy poet except for Bruce Spring scene.

He's the only one.

Yeah, that's true.

He's the only straight guy poet poet.

I really don't fuck with poetry.

Robert Frost.

I don't like poetry sucks my dick.

Yeah, it sucks.

I give you some narrative.

You know what I'm saying?

It's like either make it a song or make it longer and make it a story.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

And then they have those bullshit poems that are basically narratives, but they just put like they put weird lines.

Yeah, they hit enter at random places.

It's like, okay, that's about how about broms, and it's like, what's up, bitch?

Let me see your pussy.

Let me see your legit crucial pussy.

Who's that Instagram girl that people were shitting on a while ago, Rupi Kapoor or something?

Oh, yeah, poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, filthy pussy

from Smell Very Bad.

I am from Smell Very Bad.

My family has come here to do party.

Have you guys watched that documentary about that sex cult, that fuck cult?

Aren't they all

cults?

No, it was like an Indian sex cult that went to Oregon or something.

And everyone's fucking dark ass nipples.

No, cool.

Oh, they were, yeah.

Somebody, you can see her nipples in one of them.

This guy named a girl named Sheila.

You can see her dark-ass nips.

But it's just some old-ass Indian guy with a long-ass beard.

He just fucked up.

Where my brown girls at?

Go off.

Yep.

Roll call.

Roll call.

Dark ass nipple, roll call.

Let's get in formation.

Show us those shit.

She got dark-ass nipples

all in there.

Hershey kisses.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Have you guys seen it, though?

It's good.

No.

No.

You should watch it so we can talk about it.

I love cult shit, though.

I love it.

I just watched the Louis Thrue Scientology movie.

Oh, it's great.

I've seen that.

I tried looking for his In America series or his dead series that he was in.

Only In America.

10 years ago.

The one that was like the Black Nationalists and the bodybuilding.

Oh, no, that's Weird Weekends.

Weird Weekends?

Yeah.

I think some of them are on Netflix, or they were on Netflix.

I went looking for it and I couldn't find it.

The Black Nationalist one is hilarious.

The Black Nationalist one is the best one.

It's so funny.

Yeah.

And what's his name?

Tom Jones.

That's the funniest line.

It's like you couldn't write a scene funnier than that.

Oh, and he's asking who's black.

Who's black?

Beethoven.

He's like, positively black.

Without question.

Yeah.

Yeah, Beethoven.

And he goes, Cleopatra.

And he goes, she looked black, but she was white.

Yeah, because she was trifling.

Cleopatra was Greek, actually.

Thank you very much.

She was trifling.

Don't take our ugly bitches of history, dude.

Was she Greek?

Yeah, she was.

She was married to Mark Anthony, wasn't she?

And then he married Jennifer Lopez.

Yeah.

Mark Anthony's got some bangers, some secret bangers.

He's one of them.

It wasn't

one of the Greeks.

She was.

Was it Mark Anthony?

Yeah, she was.

Marcus Aurelius, man.

No, no.

Mark Anthony.

She was Ptolemy.

She played him, I think.

She played Mark Anthony.

Did she?

Yeah.

In what?

No, she was like, she played.

She gave him the good pussy, and then he put the pussy on the pedestal.

Number one mistake.

Number one.

Nah, you can't be out here feeling anything for these bitches.

No, man.

I've never had an emotional woman.

Especially not these Cleopatra.

If that bitch got a pyramid,

you bet what happens to you.

You better nut and tip your hat to

strut right out that fucking door, baby.

Cleopatra's ugly as shit.

Have you seen that, like IRL?

Have you seen that, like, they found, like, her skull or some shit?

She's just like a busted-ass motherfucker.

Dude, this bitch got an ugly skull.

Oh.

You can tell what a person's face is, I guess.

Yeah.

Science is truly amazing.

Neil deGrasse Tyson, shout out to him.

He did it personally.

But yeah, everyone in history that was like hot was probably ugly as shit, dude.

It just means like they didn't smell like shit.

They weren't having diarrhea at the time, like constantly.

That's what made a hot person.

Well, yeah, they took a bath every day.

Yeah, exactly.

They had access to like, you know, linen.

Wiping their ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

They rubbed oils on their fucking filthy pussies.

Yeah, I would have smashed though.

For sure.

For sure, dude.

Just to say, like, well, there's something about that power, that powerful pussy.

Yeah, exactly.

Also, Cleopatra invented Keggles.

Like, Ayn Rand.

I didn't know that.

Ayn Rand.

She used to, she used to get dicks.

Now that's a fine bitch.

She used to get dick because she was so powerful.

And Atlas fucked.

That was the original title.

Atlas fucked.

Atlas fucked was the original.

Yeah, like.

Atlas Smashed.

Atlas Rand.

Yeah.

Ayn Rand.

He put the whole world in.

Scott runs a train.

Do you think that's like a hook for autistic guys to get into

libertarianism?

Like that she made a train book?

That's sort of like a chicken and the egg sort of thing.

Oh, is it about trains?

It is.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Well, there's one about architecture, the fountain head.

Well, not about architecture, but the guys

give me headphones.

Yeah, but she was like, she used to, she had like a cult of 24-year-old grad students that she used to keep around.

And one of the tenets of service that puss?

One of the tenets of objectivism or whatever is that there's no such thing as aesthetic beauty.

It's all intellectual.

Oh, my God.

I wonder why she came up with that.

Yeah, so this, so this old-ass name is

the wig.

She looks worse.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I'll take a lot of comparisons, but I won't take that one.

But yeah, so like Alan Greenspan was one of those guys.

Wait, yeah, he like ate her pussy.

Shut up, yeah.

Alan Greenspan, yeah, she got it.

That's the whole thing.

She got it.

She learned that she would have to suck dick so good to get her pussy.

Yeah, that's the free market, dude.

That's objectivism.

That's the free market, dude.

It's because you want to objectify

something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got to do it.

Objectify that vulnerable grad student.

Well, shouts out to her for figuring out a way to get dick.

No, no, yeah, yeah.

Despite looking fucking.

That's got to be the hardest thing in the world to be an ugly woman trying to figure out how to get dick.

You know what I'm saying?

Because everybody's like, oh, well, women could just fuck whoever they want.

And it's like...

Like, sort of, you know?

Yeah, it's like a bell curve thing.

Yeah, I think.

Oh, I saw a guy.

Because it's like, if you're ugly enough that

you can't just go out and fuck.

No, you could.

No, there's women like that that are busted enough that it's like they couldn't just

go out and be like, somebody fuck me.

They could, but it would be a horrific.

It would be like a you.

No, not like me.

It would be very cute and very charming.

But like, it's like, it's like, I'm sad because I just had sex with you.

Sorry.

That woman doesn't have the option of just making a bunch of money and being successful and then like fucking.

But on top of that, she also doesn't have the option of just raping people, which, like, men still have that.

It's like, look, I'm an ugly guy.

It's a viable option.

It's on the table.

I'm an ugly guy.

You know, it's like making a bunch of money thing to attract women didn't work.

It's like, I guess I can hold them down and fuck them.

Women don't have that choice ever.

Right.

Well, they could, I mean, Adam could probably be raped by a woman.

Yeah, probably.

A strong woman.

No, you haven't, dude.

A strong woman could hold you down and suck your cock.

I have.

So it gets hard.

Yeah.

And then slide that big, ugly pussy on top of your little ass dick.

Yeah.

That sounds good.

If you will, and you're like, fuck my putty.

Shove a shit dick in my pussy.

Someone takes like a wet rain jacket off and hangs it up backwards on the co-rack.

Just sounds like gak.

I'll be right back.

I'm going to get that cereal.

What cereal?

They don't like you eating.

No, don't eat on my dude.

But I want that cereal.

Just eat that and I want another cup of coffee, though.

Come Town is brought to you by the Puffins peanut butter cereal.

They're so good.

They're really good.

And every one you eat goes money to Africa.

It's like Tom's shoes.

It helps those

African penguins.

Yeah, they force-feed those penguins a cereal.

I saw a guy waiting for the G-Train reading Shrill by Lindy West, and he was perfect.

I mean, he looked exactly like

no, he was just like all fupa and like no facial hair and like just looked like like he

just looked like he was about to cry constantly.

It was pretty cool.

Would you could you beat him up?

Um, yeah, I think he was strangely large, though.

I think he was like 6'6.

It was weird.

So you saw

that.

He looked like sort of, you know, in that movie My Dad.

My dad will never be able to beat anybody up.

I could beat someone up.

Name a person you think you could beat up.

Baron Trump.

No, he would beat you up.

No, he wouldn't, dude.

He stole anything.

He had a gross spirit, but yeah, yeah, I could beat him up.

Oh, he does have the strength.

That's true.

Okay, I couldn't beat up Aaron Trump.

And he's got

that famous Trump will to never fit.

Yeah, he's like 10 years old and like 6'6.

He would fuck your ass up.

He's big.

My girlfriend had.

That autistic strength.

Yeah.

Yeah, you couldn't beat him up.

I could beat up

maybe.

John Leguozamo.

Do you think you'd beat up John Leguizamo?

No way.

No way.

For sure not.

I met him once.

You did?

Yeah.

I'm so jealous.

On a plane.

On a plane?

Yeah.

I told him that

the pest is my favorite movie.

I was on the way to summer camp on the East Coast.

And he was like, hey, Bell, now you're being a pest.

No, he was like, I'm trying to sleep, bro.

Nick, put your phone away, please.

I'm just paying attention.

To the porn artist.

The pest?

Are you watching porn during the show?

I'm not going to be looking at porn on my phone.

Wait, wasn't there an episode where you were looking at porn that you wouldn't let me look at?

Yeah, probably.

Actually, did I see that porn?

No, no, please.

Let me see.

I just want to feel included.

All right, I'm back.

What kind of porn was it?

Nothing.

I wasn't looking at porn.

You're a fucking liar, dude.

I'm lying.

He was looking at Julia doing bicep curls.

Dude, it started off as a joke, but

I would so fuck Julia.

At this point, you'd let her sit on your face?

Of course.

You'd let her do pull-ups.

Here's what Nick wants.

She wraps her thighs around his face.

That's a strength pussy.

She's doing pull-ups

while he's eating her punch.

She literally has chun-lee thighs.

Hold on, it has nothing to do with it.

I know you said it was more straightforward.

She's a freak.

Not even that.

It's just like, I kind of have low standards anyways.

So it's like she's got a pretty face and a flaw, which is like her weird body and the fact that she's, you know, I don't know if that's a power plant that she grew up in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And she could fuck you up.

She's going to get like

she could rape you.

Today I make another

video blog for my fans out there, at least.

Thank you for watching.

Do you guys like those videos where a woman smashes a watermelon with her thighs?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I like those.

There's one famous one where I really looked to see if the woman did any other kind of pornography and she had not.

She was a first-time amateur.

You know, when you get like a booger and your big ass titty makes its way in there from your nose and you're going to be able to do that.

Yeah, yeah, through your throat.

No, like through, did you just blow them on?

No.

No.

Maybe it's just dried shit on my mouth.

I know when I get it in my mouth because I'm eating it.

Damn, bodies are so gross.

They really are.

Everybody's bodies, like when you don't wipe for like weeks and then you get like a dreadlock in your ass.

Yep.

No one has that.

I don't know about that.

Everybody has

an experience we all do.

It only happened to me once.

And then you clean my ass crack.

You one love experience.

Yep.

I'm Bob Marley.

Yeah, when I'm the fucking Zion lion in the bathroom.

Your ass is Rasta.

Yeah.

A lion.

My turds come out and land on the seat because they're being

to go through the hammock of dreaded head.

Is my ass crack.

Your ass is homophobic for some reason.

Oh, yeah, that's the ultimate way to prevent being fucked in the ass.

Yeah, dreadlock.

Just in prison, and I'm like, I'm being bent over, and they're like, we're going to fuck this guy's ass.

And they're like, what the fuck?

And I'm like, that's right, motherfucker.

Dingleberry dreadlocks.

I've never wiped once.

Ever in my life.

Yeah, if we're ever going to go to jail, that's the first thing we do.

We stop wiping our asses.

Do you remember

very fibrous food?

I was like in a photography class in high school, and this guy was like, I think I would fill my ass with concrete.

And I remember laughing so hard at that guy's.

He's like, I would just put concrete in my ass and let her dry in there.

That's what we did to Icy to get her fixed.

You filled her pussy with concrete?

Yeah.

Cement.

Rubber cement.

For those doggy dicks, that lipstick bounces off.

Yeah.

How about bong crete?

You know what I'm talking about?

You get high on the sidewalk.

Is that what bong crete is?

Which is getting high on the sidewalk.

Nick's off that.

Nick, you didn't tell the fans.

Yeah, you're off that CBD

oil on account of my bad ticker.

Okay, interesting.

You are a little chilled out.

I saw it.

My small ticker.

No,

I didn't smoke any today.

But I haven't smoke it.

You vape it?

Yeah.

My little brother was on that shit.

Somebody gave me a pen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like a CBD pen.

Yeah.

Can you feel it?

I can't really feel it.

Yeah, I get it from.

What's that?

What'd you get it from?

Somebody had one already.

I'm going to buy one.

No, I feel too associate of mine.

I feel zoned out.

Lewis Gomez?

No.

Lewis just smokes blunts.

Yeah, that's true.

I can't imagine.

I smoke eight blunts a day.

I don't understand people that smoke weed, but then also do the CBD oil.

It bounces out.

Well, he does Adderall, too, so you can't really feel the weed that much.

Ooh, Lewis does?

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

I need it for my damn heart.

I'm trying to get my blood pressure back in line.

Is it good for blood pressure?

CBD?

Supposedly, that dark chocolate.

I'm going to get a nice little dark chocolate bar after this

and then check my blood pressure, go to the gym, and see what it says.

I went to the gym today, but I've taken longer hot showers too.

Ooh, hot showers are really?

Well, temporarily, it'll lower your blood pressure, but raise your heart rate.

Because when you see outside of your body, your blood vessels

dilate and your heart rate increases, and your blood pressure drops.

Interesting, but it might have like a rebound effect.

Ooh, what's some other good fixture?

I haven't checked in a while, but I'm guessing I have very high blood pressure because I've been eating like shit for the last two months.

Well, Nick has an app.

Yeah, I've an app using his app.

Wait, how do you measure it?

I went to the Apple store and I got one of those like blood pressure.

There's a monitor that goes on your arm.

Whoa.

And it fills up, and then it just uses Bluetooth to send the shit to your phone.

So this has been a blessing.

You get to get new tech.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Which you are reviewing on the podcast, so it's technically.

Do you want a bionic hard?

How about this?

It's a fucking medical expense because I'm hypertension, so I can write it off for that.

Can you?

You can write off medical shit?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, any medical shit.

Yeah, your tooth is taxes,

fuck.

I didn't write anything off this year.

I mean, you should let Patrick know that you had to get a series of surgeries.

That's for next year's taxes, though.

Yeah, having it this year.

Whatever.

Damn, I got to run off my medical expenses, like my penis shrinking surgery.

How much did you pay for that, though?

Four million dollars.

I thought that was

a million.

Yeah, it was so fucking heavy and dense.

Yeah, well they had to bury all the extra fat in the where they put all the ground zero trash out in Jersey.

Why the fuck doesn't your cock get fatter, man?

It's unfair.

Like if you get fat?

I've talked about this before, I think.

Why do titties get bigger when you're fatter?

They get bigger.

Why don't dicks get bigger when you're fighting?

Dicks get bigger in a shitty way, though.

I love when like a fat girl is always like, it's like, yeah, you know, because I got these big boobs, and it's like, I mean, they're resting on your giant stomach.

No.

You may be technically have big tits.

Well, here's the thing: I carry my weight.

They're like small tits sitting on top of a man's breast.

I used to have a bus driver in middle school whose tits were so big, she was just literally driving a bus with her tits.

It was incredible.

Mr.

V.

Did she ever molest you?

No, but she used to get really mad about rough housing.

Stop.

Hey, stop putting putting your fingers in Adam's boy, pussy.

No, that was not the kind of rough housing we were doing.

You just have a note from your dad that says it's an asshole.

Call it his ass.

I don't care if you finger him.

It's his man ass.

Call it his man's ass.

And if you make him eat turds, call them turds, not shit dicks.

Yeah, that my dad did do that.

He said that.

Yeah, that's something that he said.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Sarah's texting me.

Sarah Armour?

Yeah.

I just saw her yesterday on the show.

Yeah, she said she wants to hang out, but like, she wants to hang.

I'm not a schedule guy.

Yeah.

I'm not a do-things guy, you know?

You're certainly not.

Especially even when we have things to do, you don't schedule them.

Yeah.

You just

got to kind of just all show up.

Why don't you schedule me sucking your dad's dick?

That has to be spontaneous.

Put it on the Google Cal.

I will.

Didn't we have a shared Google Cal for a week or something?

Yeah, it was kind of nice.

Yeah, it was nice.

We do have some stuff cooking.

Actually, we've all persevered being lazy, and we might have some dance.

Oh, yeah, in the fall, guys.

Live dance

out

in the beautiful United States.

So look out for that if you're in some of America's beautiful

cities, largest

United States.

Is it just shit?

Yeah, because this country is shit.

Oh, I agree.

We're going to Dayton, Ohio.

The Pooh, KKK, United States.

Oh,

that's got a political message.

I see that.

Yeah.

That's good.

I mean, America with 3Ks is the dumbest shit anyone's ever.

I see.

Who just came up with that, yeah?

America.

I mean, I'm sure they didn't come up with it, but yeah.

It's like the dumbest.

It's so stupid.

I think the first time they've they've came up with it was pretty good.

Probably.

It's like the night is young.

The first time someone someone said that, that must have been cool, dude.

The night is young.

The night is young.

Yeah, cool.

You must have felt the first guy who said that.

No, if I had never heard that and someone said that to me, I would be boo.

No, that's because you don't like, you don't have a sense of remember, you don't dream to imagine.

Who said that?

I did.

You don't dream.

You don't have a sense of fucking.

So you do taxes in your dreams.

It's great when they have like a fat statue of you outside an elementary school.

You have to dream to imagine.

The Stavros Halkia school for kids that were too too stupid to get into regular special education.

No, they have to be both fat and stupid.

Thank you very much.

Seven periods of lunch.

One period of the teacher is drunk, so we're going to watch Price is right.

That sounds fucking awesome, dude.

Yeah.

I'm about to fucking make Stavros Halkia home for exceptional, exceptionally fat.

The home for the criminally retarded.

We need to bring it to the title.

We need to bring that term back.

Fuck you, Joker.

You'll never get me back.

You'll never go in your cash.

Come out of this ballpit.

How do I get out of this maze?

Oh, wouldn't you act again?

It's just a straight hallway.

Oh, fuck.

He keeps slipping on fucking 100 grand wrappers that the Joker has eaten and left.

You know?

Damn, I really want another cup of coffee.

So get it.

Cup of Joe.

Dasha.

I want one cup of coffee.

This has been a rough.

How many days without coffee?

Three days?

Three days now.

Damn.

Can you make more coffee, please?

Wow.

Wow.

Dasha.

Only if you want to coffee.

Thank you, Dasha.

Thank you, Dasha.

We're really sorry you have Adam in your life.

Sorry you have to live in this beautiful thing.

He makes you fucking do shit like this.

Yeah, after I make you a beautiful dinner and some beautiful, give you a beautiful kiss.

Yeah, Adam and his little cookbook that he got from

the Miyazatsu cooking.

I'm still mastering Japanese home cooking.

Are you?

Yeah.

It's on pause, but I'm going to.

By the end of this year, I'm going to be a master of Japanese home cooking.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am, dude.

You've never mastered anything.

Chef Morimoto said I could do it.

You've never mastered anything.

And you never will master anything in your life.

I've mastered something.

What's one thing you've mastered?

Criminal manipulation.

I mastered.

Criminal manipulation.

Like, keep a secret.

You know, don't tell your parents about it.

I can't keep secrets.

That's the one thing that's true.

Yeah, you'd be the guy molesting children, then you tell everyone.

You didn't hear it from me.

Speaking of secrets, I know that there's a son of a famous person that listens to this podcast.

Yeah.

Who is it?

I just want to say, fuck you.

Tag Romney.

Is that the retard one?

No, no, no, that's trigger.

That's trigger palin.

Yeah.

Trigger Trigger palin, right?

Yeah, I love that.

Nigo Palin.

That one is really like.

That is not.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not technically close, but it feels bad.

Yeah, it's wrong.

Yeah, it feels pretty wrong.

I didn't say it.

I just said

speech impediments.

I said Nigo Mortensen, and then you decided what to do with that.

That was Adam.

Yeah.

I was thinking like, you know, like an alternate universe Vigo Mortensen that just says, like, he's like a Darkwing Duck, Nega Duck character.

But that one, Negaduck is wild.

That's tough, too.

Especially because

I thought Darkwing Duck was black.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So they can both be black.

Yeah.

But the implication isn't that they're different races.

Nega duck is a criminal, and darkwing duck is a private investigator.

Oh, like the Chris Rock bit.

The classic.

Yeah.

You got two different types.

You got Darkwing Darkwing Ducks and Nega Ducks.

Every time a Dark Wing Duck, you want to have a good time.

They just target Nega Duck, show up.

Yep.

Now that bit makes sense to me.

Now I have something to relate to to understand the comedy stylings of Chris Rock.

I'm just annoyed that you're sitting here pretending like you watch Darkwing Duck when all of this is explained on the show.

You know, I don't remember Darkwing Duck.

I watched it.

Sorry.

I don't retain anything.

Launchpad was mentally retarded.

Launchpad was blue in the plane?

No.

No, Baloo is Baloo.

Launchpad is a different character.

But he was like his co-pilot or something.

Wow.

Launchpad McQuack.

He's the pilot on Darkwing Duck.

He's also the pilot on Tails or DuckTales.

Yeah.

I was always a little offended that they chose to make Scrooge McDuck a Scottish person, not a Jewish person.

Yeah.

Well, his name is McDuck.

I know, but he should have, you know, he was swimming.

He's been Duckowitz.

He was

Scrooge Duckberg.

Yeah.

Schmooge.

Schmoolies.

Schmooley Duckberg.

Yeah.

Oh, Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

My beautiful nephews.

Such strong boys.

Geez, Uncle Scrooge, can we have a quarter?

No!

Never.

You can have a job at my company, though, and we'll pretend like you earned it.

An unpaid internship.

Yeah.

Fucktails.

Yeah, dude.

No coffee's rough, man.

It's hard to say.

It sucks, dude.

I love it.

Honestly, it is one of the pure joys of my life.

I even had coffee too.

I don't want to sound like Mark Marin, but I wake up.

Pow!

And pow, I shat my pants.

Pow, I just came in my pants.

Pow.

We have no coffee.

What if

it's called?

Just coffee.

No, is that how I just shit?

Yeah, that's Mark Barron's one.

But what if he actually shits his pants and then he has to go do an interview with Obama with his pants full of turtles?

Remember that?

What if?

That SNL sketch, Oops, I crap my pants.

Yeah, that was hilarious.

That was such a good sketch.

That was when SNL was doing the real pure stuff.

Let's imagine that this diaper is your diaper, and this gallon of iced tea is a gallon of your feces.

That's hilarious.

Oh, that's so funny.

Yeah, the commercials in the nineties that they did were awesome.

Yeah.

The one the one where Will Farrell was just mean to dogs.

It was like a dog training thing where he was just like verbally abusing dogs.

I just remember Robert Goulet and he says the N-word as Robert Goulet.

Oh, yeah.

He says it.

I forget.

Yeah, when he does a big pop Papa,

I love it when you call me Big Papa.

Yeah, he drops.

Put your hands in there.

Yeah, and then people used to know how to have fun.

Yeah.

Before all these woke characters got on the

Schlitz Gabir.

Slitsky Beard might be my favorite.

That was incredible.

That was so fucking good.

Yeah.

And then that was like, I think, probably the first time for a lot of boys in our generation that were like, is that Gap Fat?

Yeah, Gap Fat?

Gap Fat was so that was great too.

Oh, man.

What about the ball that had like a hundred like uh the horrible side effects?

That shit was awesome too.

The wonder ball.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then just like it was just such a quick commercial, and then they just have like you know Nick's new thing is stabbing me with knives.

You were doing that at dinner the other night.

Yeah.

You're like making a point by like stabbing me in the arm.

How was dinner, boys?

I'm sorry I was in a story I got there.

No, you were there.

At pizza tree.

You ate all of the pizza.

Oh, no, yeah.

No, Nick just came over.

Hey, yeah.

I made a spaghetti bag.

I was so crazy.

I sat in my apartment all night playing Danny Boy on the piano.

That's so funny.

That is so funny.

Just to think of you alone.

Nick fucking high blood pressure on the piano.

Playing Danny Boy.

That is so funny.

Captain Shaw.

The pipes are pipes or play.

The things that happen when I spend too much time alone.

Pretty funny.

What you were sending us clips of HBO softcore ports.

Softcore ports.

alone.

Yeah, why not?

That clip was very funny.

The way he was simulating sex from behind.

So low.

Yeah, yeah.

You sit around watching softcore porn, playing Danny Boy.

You know, having a night with your hot piano.

We got to get the band together finally, dude.

I know I've been out of town, but Nick and I did buy $1,000 of music.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you guys did.

We do have to sort of.

I want to buy a really expensive tambourine.

Yeah, the angle.

I'm going to be the sexy tambourine.

I might get a real piano when Amber moves out.

Oh,

baby grand?

You could actually get them for free on Craigslist all the time because people don't want to move them.

So you just hire piano movers.

Yeah.

Because it costs money to move

in New York City.

Jonah

brought a piano into his apartment.

I think he got two guys.

Could we do it?

Who's in a walk-up?

He said it was like three dudes, and they pretty much finessed it up the stairs one stair at a time.

We could do that.

And I think one of them threw up to to run.

I've been going.

No, I mean, I had to bring that oven up the stairs, and that was, you didn't help at all.

I did help.

Yeah, Adam did nothing.

Adam did absolutely nothing.

Max helped, and I was

another oven up to the third floor a couple months ago.

It was an easy bake.

No, it was also like an oven.

It was an easy baking oven that you had any

boy pussy.

That's not true.

It did look fun that girls got to bake.

It did.

I'm going to say that.

No, for boys, they had that like.

Remember, it was like science experiments.

Yeah, where they make the bugs, you make bugs, remember that but they're like gummy bugs, yeah, yeah, gummy bugs.

I was like a mad scientist

that looked fun, yeah.

I had a little cooking

center as an infant, like as a one-year-old, they got me like a little Fisher Price cooking shit.

Yeah, that was my

shit, dude.

Yeah, and I ate all the plastic he's going to be fat.

We already know we can tell by his calves raising him fat.

Look how sad your dog looks.

My dog has depression.

She knows its owner is a bitch.

No, she has depression because she was...

She's an alpha.

She wants an alpha to look up to.

She knows I'm an alpha pack leader.

She knows

she respects me as an alpha pack leader.

She does.

She's sad that she's.

You know how I did it.

I showed her a gun the first day I had her, and I pointed it right towards her dog pussy.

I said.

We were watching the Sopranos last night when Nick came over the episode where they find out Vita's gay.

Oh, what a fucking.

And Paulie says,

Paulie says, I'm going to stick my gun right over.

He said,

basically, Pauli said that what he wanted to do was put a gun in Vito's ass.

That would treat.

I just love the way Vito's dressed at the club.

He looks like Gario.

It's so funny.

Yeah, yeah.

Gario?

Gario is gay, Wario.

Not gay Mario.

No, no, no.

Vito has the leather dad.

Gario replaces Wario as gay Mario.

Because really the opposite of Mario's whole thing is like fucking some princess.

He loves that prince pussy.

Whereas Gario wants to fuck a queen.

You know what I mean?

He is a queen.

Yeah, he wants to fuck a queen in the club.

So he's got a little leather daddy outfit.

Mostly looks exactly the same as Wario, except his hat's made out of leather.

Wario is gay.

It's just Wario.

It's Wario when he's not on the.

Yeah, Wario's.

Yeah.

You know him and why Luigi fuck.

Of course.

We're vilifying homosexuals, you know.

Because they really are like the gay body type versions of Mario and Luigi.

Well, they're body types.

They're twinkier.

No, no, Luigi.

No, no.

Wario is way twinkier than Luigi.

Luigi is more stout.

Yeah, yeah.

And Wario is fatter and rounder.

Mario is like me.

A stout, athletic.

No, no, I don't know.

And Wario is an obese mess.

Whereas me and Mario are

strong.

Halloween.

Could never be Luigi.

Why not?

He's taller than you?

No.

He's more agile.

He's too fat to be Luigi.

No, he's Luigi.

He's too fat to be Luigi.

Luigi.

No, if you guys did Mario and Luigi, he'd be so cute.

Yeah, that's fine.

If you guys did Wario and Y Luigi.

I know.

I know what you're saying.

No, he's not.

We have this conversation a lot on the show.

Yeah, it's probably me and Ellis being different kinds of things.

That one is fat and short and one is tall.

We've done the MMs.

Yeah.

There's probably a few more.

What else?

Abbott and Costello?

Sure.

That's good.

What's fat and what's a tall, and then less fat, but still fat.

Yeah.

There's nothing that really nails.

Except M and M Z.

Talking about like a magic eight ball and a lava lamp.

Okay, yeah.

Actually, I don't think it's kind of shaped like a lava lamp.

He is.

He's got a lava lamp body.

I imagine his internals are similar looking.

Oh, yeah.

They use a

kava lamp.

Bright red from all the fucking Cheetos.

Oh, people are really mad at you, Saud for saying Andre the Giant was alive during World War

I don't give a fuck.

Listen,

I've made a lot of mistakes on this show, so hey, guess what?

Suck my fucking dick.

I don't give a fuck what Andre the Giant was born.

Yeah, first of all,

facts are just things that I say.

Yeah, it's true.

It's not

real events as you believe them to have happened.

I'm the journalist.

You are the fucking peon.

Hey, how about this?

I'm doubling down.

He was fucking born during World War I.

Sucked my dick.

Yeah, in France.

In France.

Some author would drive him to school, I remember.

Yeah.

Seriously.

Oh, yeah, that is true.

That's what I'm basing this off of.

I read some fucking Facebook article.

It's like, you'll never believe who drove Andre the Giant to school.

Dr.

Seuss.

It was someone.

I don't know.

Dr.

Schultz.

Rawl Dahl.

It was Rawl Dahl.

Yeah, he drove him in a big-ass peach.

What a dumbass name.

Rawdahl autobiography where he talks about losing half his nose in a car accident.

No, no.

It's intense.

He's British, right?

Reading as a kid, yeah.

And then maybe I'm like confusing different stories.

It might have been the Andre the Giant autobiography.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I remember, yeah, he like describes his sister driving in a car, and then they used to have like plate glass for the windshields.

She hit something.

There's no seat belts.

He went through the windshield and it fucking sliced his goddamn nose off his face.

So it's just hanging on by a thread of.

Ah, fuck my.

Are you fucking kidding?

Yeah.

He has to look at his nose dangle.

Yeah, just like as a child reading that.

It was like so intense.

Fuck.

I remember, I think there was something else in there about a guy breaking his arm, and back then, like they couldn't set it, so like they just had a strong man like rip his arm off.

Oh, remember the strong man

pull on the compound fracture until the doctor could reset it.

Jesus Christ, dude.

And again, I don't remember if this was actually in the book or these were just things I imagined.

I don't think any of this happened, but yeah.

The scenarios I came up with while drawing swastikas in my textbooks.

Were you a swastika kid?

Oh, of course.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Every fucking time.

I mean, I was definitely a dick kid for sure.

I was a swastika kid for sure.

I drew dicks in every.

Everybody's drawing that S thing.

I'm like, check out this S thing.

Yep.

It's even better.

This is S thing.

Yeah.

You put two of them together.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah, Dasha drew a swastika at Bath and Beyond yesterday.

Yeah, that's what Beyond stands for.

White nationalism.

A beautiful, idyllic society with no fucking.

Oh, man.

I've been getting back into it.

I went looking for it like a month ago, and I couldn't find it.

Beyond Belief, Factor Fiction, hosted by originally James Brolin and then Jonathan Frakes.

I don't remember this.

Was that a show?

It was a show that was on, and I couldn't find it.

And then I found it like two weeks ago.

When Brolin hosted it?

James Brolin.

Who's James Brolin?

Josh Brolin's dad.

Yeah, Barbara Streisand's husband.

Double A.

You know, he was supposed to be.

He was supposed to be no country for old men.

It was supposed to be him.

Because it makes way more sense.

It's old men.

You know?

Louis?

They accidentally sent it to his son.

It was like a fucking error.

No way.

I swear to God.

Yeah, yeah.

This is something someone said.

It's also in the Andre the Giant book.

Yeah, I read it in the

Samuel Beckett.

Used to drive him to school.

See, yeah, that is who it was.

You're right.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Sam Shepard drove Hulk Hogan to school

in Vichy France.

They were both collaborators.

They were both very anti-fichy.

Fichy France is so funny that they were like, they found like, that was like the Wa Luigi of France.

they were like oh yeah we're just like the nazi french people yeah we're also gay we're still gay we love the outfits oh no that's german sorry yeah good bit sorry

i'm a gay man who likes uh uh

nazis but then not as a jews

Where did never mind?

Go ahead.

No, no, no.

No, I don't know why I was going to say.

I don't know why I was going to ask this question.

What do you want?

Where did Charles de Gaulle go?

Like, when the Nazis took over France.

His baby mama's crib.

He went to England?

Algeria.

He went to North Africa?

He went to Algeria and fucked around with some head of dark ass niggas.

Oh, yeah.

Roll call.

Get information.

Where them dark nip babies at?

Yeah.

Let me.

Because then he came back after the war, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wasn't he just in a different part of France when you

the Nazis took over all of France.

If you're the general issue of France and you lose, he has to remove his little bean can hat and hand the turd that rests on his head over to the invading leader, which is the greatest shame in France to lose your turd that you carry on your hat.

Because this turd has been passed home too many.

They have a little

furry toy poodle take a dump on their head.

And when they first get their

commission into the army, the French army.

Yes.

And if you ever lose that turd,

what happens?

That's it for you.

These curtains, baby.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

They kill you.

It's like at the REF, they have mustaches.

The REF, the Royal English Air Force.

That's how all these guys back, they all had like big-ass mustaches.

Yeah.

You join

the REF or whatever.

Dude, we could be

in that right now.

All three of us have sick-ass mustaches.

Yeah, it's mustache season for me.

I found that picture when I let my mustache get huge as shit.

Yeah, he's cool and awesome.

I'm jealous.

I have the worst facial hair of all time, but I got a little less mustache.

I kind of like how little your mustache is.

It really balances out your face.

Yeah, but I also like that.

Like your glasses.

You look like that drawing of Downs Jones.

My strong jaw.

No, yeah.

It does.

Your jaw is literally

just had part of it removed.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was too strong.

It was overgrowing.

That's how fucking masculine my jaw was.

They were like, your fucking shit is too chiseled.

We got to take a little tutor.

That's how it masculine.

Yeah, that's what Lando was.

I love titty so much.

I was growing a little titty in my jaw, jaw, dude.

Yes.

Leno was thought of as super masculine.

Yeah, just a sexy motherfucker.

Because that chin.

That giant chin.

Every bitch wanted to get chinned down by Leno.

I can't believe we're fucking fucking fucking.

Put your chin in my pussy, daddy.

Do you think Leno's got topped off a lot?

Yeah, I'm sure he fucked.

In the 70s?

Although he seems like a fucking loser.

I don't know.

Do you think he fucks cars like that guy from TLC?

He does.

He puts the exhaust pipe in his ass.

Chase and I are in a sexual relationship.

The guy with the little bear hat.

The guy that's that was fucking his car, Chase.

And yes, it is homosexual.

Somebody sent me this thing.

Apparently, people

Sarah's sending me weird messages.

So don't fucking look, dude.

You're on the clock, man.

I know I'm on the clock, but she's texting me while I'm trying to look up shit related to the show.

Somebody sent me, I guess there's like a weird deviant art thing where people draw pictures of dragons' fucking cars.

Oh, that's pretty tight.

Cool.

Yeah.

cool what like where does their dick go where does their dragon dick go um i don't know in between the seats okay

like change does it have a dragon pussy in the car yeah that's cool i don't know i mean i didn't really look into it i just thought i'd say it that'd be a cool thing to put on a dragon pussy in your car dragon fucking a car

have you guys seen that one video on the internet of the uh where they put a pocket pussy on an exhaust pipe and it looks awesome don't draw on my phone.

I'm drawing a swastika.

Why are you drawing?

They just drew a swastika on my phone.

I'll leave it.

Yeah.

All right, fair enough.

Hey, okay.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, middle school, baby.

Take a picture of this.

This is pretty funny.

I really hated swastikas.

Like, I was not a big fan of Nazis.

Well, no, swastikas was like.

You hated swastikas?

I was, because Greek, because they taught us that Nazis really fucked up.

I didn't care about Jews.

See, they taught us that.

Well, that's what they taught Jews.

Fucking you talking about.

Oh, I don't know.

I just had like a really different upbringing where I was told that Nazis were bad.

No.

No, it's like when you hear a word as a bad word and then you go to your bedroom and then you say it alone so you can feel like you're doing something bad.

Well, Nazis.

That's more like drawing a swastika.

Nazis never came to America, though.

They really fucked our asses in Greece.

Yeah, they were bad.

They fucking came through.

They really fucked shit up.

So did the CIA, brother.

That's true, they did.

Yeah.

They fucked up our fucking democratically elected socialist prime minister

and backed a fucking military coup.

A junta.

A junta.

The junta.

And

they fucked Greece up.

We should have a junta on this show where

you're trying to release him, huh?

Yeah, you can.

You got to take over.

You're not strong enough.

I don't give a shit.

I'm ready to retire anyways, baby.

I'm ready to be like, you know, sort of the coach of the show.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Emeritus, Professor Meredith.

Fuck Festival.

You got tenure.

I'm like a cut man, you know, I'm in the corner.

Yep.

I can't get in the ring anymore.

Say gook.

Just a whispering ring.

You got to say gook to him, kid.

You got to say gook into the mic.

Listen to me, kid.

You got eight more rounds here.

You got 12 more rounds here.

You got to say Nego Mortensen, kid.

I don't want to do it.

Look, they're coming at the about to turn the shit out of the shit.

It's gonna be my dad's cock.

It's gonna be lights out for you, kid, unless you fucking get in there and you say Nego Mortensen.

What if I do a Rihanna song, but it's about sucking Dick?

That's also good.

I mean, fucking, I don't know why I'm telling you.

You seem to have a pretty good grasp of what works here.

We suck Dick in a hole.

What's more

holy place?

In a whole,

Hole, full place.

I fuck.

I fucked my dad in a hopeless place.

I sucked my dad and I fucked his ass.

I sucked the dad in a hopeless place.

I held him down and I fucked his ass.

Ooh, nah, nah.

Whoopsumgay.

Whoops and gay.

Whoops some gay.

That one gets me fucking.

Fucking I was doing a really good one earlier today in my house, but I forgot it.

Yeah.

I got the Mortal Kombat one.

Oh, that's it.

Suck a penis.

And I'm a faggot.

There's so many you could throw in.

I'm a gay guy.

Sonia, Johnny Cage, Brayden.

That is.

The Mortal Kombat song is like probably

Martin Shkrill.

Sam Ha.

Hey, Bay.

Brendan Mordell.

I'm a faggot.

I'm a faggot.

The Mortal Kombat song has to be like the best example of hard style techno.

That has to be like the most famous

hard style techno song of all time.

You know what my friend told me the other day?

The song that's considered to be the best example of world music

is, no, is the Halo load screen music.

That thing apparently is

good.

That song is good, man.

I'm sorry.

I like that shit.

Somali folk song from Black Hawk.

Black Hawk Down?

That's the best song in the world.

Tom Seismor is just like murdering people.

Just a silent chopper slowly rotating in the background as all your friends die.

Do you remember when Sting?

I love when the guys at the bodega sing along to those songs.

He's like, What the fuck is going on?

You just have a stroke.

But this is what is this song?

What are the lyrics?

Do you remember the Sting song, Desert Road?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I dream of rain here.

Abrab money by Buster Ryan?

Cool.

Oh, hell yeah.

Of course.

I'll get that Abraham money.

Honeyman, man, nigga, yeah.

This is not the same, but Punjabi MC.

That was another.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then,

what's that other one?

The fuck.

I forget her now.

Come on.

All right.

Well, that's the end of the show.

Okay, good night.

Should we plug anything?

Nah, nothing to plug.

Next Money Mobs is the 9th of April.

We're going to plug it early.

Thanks for ending.

Thanks for coming.

We changed the time, the day of, and everyone.

Nicky Glazer for the next one.

Nikki Glazer's on the next one.

I think someone else is.

Oh, we got a full female show then.

Yeah.

We got a Parna, Nikki Glazer.

Don't tell them that.

We want people to come out.

Through the best comics.

We're doing lady comedy.

Yeah, so that's going to be a fucking great show then.

Aparna, Nikki Glazer, Kate Willett, really good comics.

And then actually, the next one, it's gay guys.

We got Tim Dylan and Matteo.

So.

Actually, it's gay guys.

And Adam will be there also.

And then, and then we're going to do.

So we're actually woke.

We're going to do, yeah.

We are woke.

All right.

You guys are fun.

Thank you.

Good night.

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