Ep. 95 – Ideal Podcast Hours

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Which, as you know, is not allowed in chorus.

No.

Yeah, we're good.

We're already recording.

I'm doing this thing where I cheat a couple of minutes out of the podcast by starting it early and then include all the

sounded shit levels and shit.

I only have to do 40 minutes of content, 20 minutes of bullshit.

That's what the premium is for.

People get to hear the soundtrack going, check.

That's right.

Check.

I'm gay.

That's right.

This is not a premium, though oh we blew off the premium this week we tried to record it but stop was too fucked up on percocet yeah nick came over here and i was fucked up dude yeah i was on an edible i was on like three perkies and i was just fucking do you still have that recording anywhere that'd be a funny that'd be a funny recording to show people you just sound like you're mid-stroke bro it was yeah i don't even remember what i said yeah i was so fucking you didn't really say anything that was the problem you're just moaning i'd say something and you would just go damn

And it was like 15 minutes of me doing like riffs about Wario, I guess.

Just talking about Wario for 15 minutes.

We were, dude.

That's come alive.

$30,000 a month.

Me being like, yo, what's Wario's deal?

Damn.

Damn, that shit's crazy, dude.

Just scratching yourself in a Percocet frenzy.

Do that happen?

When I used to take them, you would get itchy.

That's what happened.

Yeah, bro.

Dude, I was getting itchy as fuck.

Yeah.

I thought the infection was spreading to the rest of my body.

No, it's just opium.

I knew these two junkies that dated each other.

This guy, Brian, this girl, Val.

Yeah.

And Brian one time.

He was like...

Great junkie name.

Val.

Val's a solid.

Yeah, yeah.

Whether they're with Crystal.

Crystal's a great name.

Crystal's a great trash name.

Brian one time was like,

dude, there's nothing better than when you're like just getting really fucked up and you just scratch each other.

It's like, Jesus, no, yeah.

There's literally everything

in your bullshit fucking heroin relationship.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Which is great because it's like that heroin is the only thing keeping you together.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

People are completely in

just a cold, a cold, sober morning where you're just fucking trying to kick heroin.

You wake up, you see the pockmark face you just fucked the night before.

No, there's no blood in your fucking fingernails.

There's no reality reality in which two people who detox from heroin are also like we we just figured out we have so much in common sober like we thought we was just good robbing our families together but we love wes anderson we had no idea right i thought it was just because val and really into settlers of catane

after we kicked a heroin addiction i did a comedy show once and that game has some hold on people because i was doing a comedy show i'm like i'm a fat guy screaming yeah and not one of them looked up like from that game Like in the back, there was some hipster bar, and like the back of it, they were playing that game, and it had like a cult-like

people looking at it.

They were in it.

You know, it's funny.

I was going over to Adam's house and playing it, and we were doing blow every time we played Catan, and it got me back into Catan.

Yeah, and then a couple weeks ago, get you back into most things, yeah.

We went over there and tried to play Catan sober, and I'm like, all right, this game sucks, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I was just frustrated that I wasn't, you know, good at Catan and fucked up or not on Coke.

Right.

I was staying with somebody in LA, and they were like doing a role-playing game and it was kind of weird these are people that are like comedy writers that make like hundreds of several hundreds of thousands of dollars and like hey can you not come home tonight and i'm like oh yeah what do you some orgy some la

they're like no we have like a role call of cthulhu role-playing game

i'm like you're like in your mid-30s i'm like what do you what do you what yeah

justin tried to offer that the chapo guy he was like yeah yeah we thought it would be cool to do like a call of cthulhu uh episode of come town i was like yeah no we're not doing that it would be funny to he's like He's like, we did it with Chapo, and it's great.

I'm like, yeah, we're not doing that.

It would be funny for how much interest in doing a role-playing.

Do you know they would spend so much time trying to get it together, and we would just be like, this shit is fucking gay.

I roll to pull my cock out and have an orc suck it.

And how many times me asking the guy that, do you think it would take for a while?

Of all the lame, gay bullshit I've been into in my life, I'm glad that I never went down the dark paths of anime or role-playing.

And what was funny about the role-playing game is he's like, listen, he's like, if you do come home, just don't like call it out i'm like what he's like we're just we're really into it so like if you happen to come home just like you know like don't ask what it is i'm like i know what it is like i'm not gonna yeah yeah yeah that's brutal yeah it's interesting it's weird man that's oh that's tough but that's weird because you're like this is what you're doing but it there's an element of it like i i have thought like oh maybe this shit isn't fucking horrible but it is it's like it's just before before they had video games.

Yeah.

It's like you create, it's basically you write a whole video game, and then you pick out some fucking characters, and then you like roll dice.

Yeah, do that instead of anime, same thing.

It's like, this should be, I mean, it's like,

it's art, you know, the story evolved.

I should be able to enjoy it on some level.

Look at that.

And then you watch it on anime.

And you can just never get over the fact that you're watching anime.

Miko-san.

Right.

Sakisaki, my pusaru.

Yeah, how much of anime is just poor?

Like, how much of what percentage of people are?

Timadu.

Timaru, let me see your kakaru.

It's a hot ass boy doing this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there is?

Of course.

Sucking on a cop.

Bom, bom, bom.

To suck them is my realtest.

To fuck them is my cause.

Fill your butt with jizz.

That's what I lie.

Anyways, welcome to Cometown.

Yeah, that's the opening.

Oh, thank you.

We got Tim Dylan in them fucking traps.

I'm back.

Really sad Adam's not here.

Sorry, buddy.

Yeah, sorry.

I like Adam too.

I'm very sad.

I'm more sad than you are than you.

Sorry, we're, yeah, I know.

Sorry, we're not in Adam.

He's the eye candy.

I know.

You know?

What about this?

I'm doing a nice little stretch right now.

You're trying.

You're working it.

I'm working it.

I appreciate that you're working it.

Yeah, Adam's got that tone, you know, small kind of compact nature.

I'm kind of stretching out, though, so I look lean.

You're selling it, you know.

Car.

You're used car salesman selling it hard over there.

I'm just giving you a little gut of the side sight of the app.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, there's some good dick up under Ren's body, dude.

There's some good dick up under here, boy.

Yeah, from the ninth ward, Stavros Alkeis is dead.

You sit outside a barbecue like that to make it more authentic.

I got a good dick here, boy.

It's like, ooh, I'm going to get those burnt ends.

Just some cop is like, we got to go tell that Cajun guy who keeps advertising his dick to shut his mouth.

We got one of the parades today.

This could be a real issue.

Not all of his eye had nobody.

I'm just out here slinging dick box.

How are they gonna know if I don't tell him?

I give you a little taste for free, officer.

He keeps taking his tooth out and tonguing it at the girl.

That's a great move, dude.

Yeah.

It's the first I've met.

Oh man, you are just trash.

Bro, my body's fucked.

I'm dying.

Yeah, man, you are fucking garbage now.

I know, dude.

I mean, What's great about me and Stav, though, is we have the bodies.

We fit in anywhere in America.

Exactly.

Immediately.

Exactly.

No matter what class.

I really can't leave Brooklyn.

You really can't.

You're a suspect.

Me and Stav.

You put us in the middle of a Walmart in Kentucky.

We're good.

Beautiful.

We're part of the community.

100%, dude.

100%.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's nice.

That's the thing of like my whole life.

My body just completely, completely disintegrating is like fitting because

this is what I've been preparing for, you know?

I've never gotten an advantage because of my body or how good I look.

No, I'm going to be just a fucking fat head on like a tank, one of those Futurama tanks.

I'm preparing for that.

What sucked is I was a hot kid and I was like an actor and I remembered what being a hot kid felt like.

And then

around 11, you start getting fat and you're like, oh, I'll never get back to that ever.

No.

Man, it's like a rough.

Because you can't take advantage of it when you're a fucking kid.

You're not fucking.

You're just sitting in an audition with three other kids.

As a child actor, you're right.

That's true.

If my parents were smarter, they would have fucking hit me out.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, when you're, because you see, there are people that are good looking as kids, but

pre-puberty, they hit 11 or 12, it starts to go down.

I wasn't a darling until I was like 23.

That's better.

Yeah, for sure.

I was actually probably, I was a pretty cute kid, but I had a lot of self-esteem.

And then when I started getting fat and normal,

I was like, oh, this sucks.

No one should look at it the way I think I deserve to be treated.

Yeah, being fat as shit

in ages like, I don't know, maybe 10 to 14 should be mandatory

for, I think, anybody that wants to pursue any kind of creative.

Yeah, it makes you probably a better person.

You're more

humble.

You know,

you have empathy.

I don't know.

It made me.

Yeah.

No.

It turned me into a monster.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I just, I don't like Nick was keeping school.

It turned me into like a fucking cynical.

The world still owes him from that.

So you're Adam fan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's something something about being fat and knowing why you're fat.

Like, I was fat, but then eating.

And there's something about being fat and not feeling like just being

not knowing yet?

No, but being fat and being like, oh, yeah, I'm the problem.

Like, I just, I love, I fucking eat.

See, I remember those beautiful.

I'm with you now for sure, but I remember those beautiful days when you didn't know.

I didn't put it together.

I was like, maybe dousing this.

grilled cheese and extra butter.

Right.

And I was maybe going downstairs and melting another thing of butter in the microwave and dipping my grill in the bottom.

Doesn't everyone get

twisty bread from Domino's and dunk it in the industrial oil in the bot?

Doesn't everyone do that?

Why would people not do that?

Those beautiful days when you don't know that's the issue.

That was the best fat because you didn't know.

You're like, oh, it's freewheeling.

You're like, I'll just grow out of this.

Yeah, eventually.

Yeah, I called it baby fat until I was 17.

I just got to shed my baby fat.

I'll just be able to handle this general Tao's chicken.

Yeah.

But it's also, I mean, it's hard to make smart food choices.

Yeah.

You know, it's like you just don't know shit.

You know, it's tough.

Yeah, my dad, my dad.

You want to think, like, oh, I'll have one salad and I'll just like, I'll go, I'll go run nine miles today.

Right, right, right.

And make myself hate running so much with all of this exercise I did in one day that I just never

exercise.

I was like, exercise again.

Yeah.

Oh, exercising sucks.

There's always a panic

that when you order food, there won't be enough.

If you're a fat person, there's always a panic.

Yes.

You're on Grubhub's seedless.

You're like, if you're fucking, if you, if you, if you still have that.

Let's go.

Yeah, I get it.

I only

have to.

Why not?

Just to be safe.

Yeah.

I only just this year started not finishing everything on my plate.

Right.

Because it's like, you know, like, well, this costs money.

I spent the money on it.

I got to eat all this fucking food.

You know, it's like, there's no way I can't.

The garnish is being eaten as well.

Right, right, right, right, right.

I'm eating this plastic flour from the silverware is coming home with me.

The salt and pepper shake.

I'm tilting it down.

Yeah.

I've zipped up the tablecloth into the zipper.

I got ketchup packets in my pockets.

They're just bursting.

No, I know that feeling.

I still feel that.

That's how I feel about sex also.

Yeah.

Because it's like, you got to eat all the pussy.

You got to eat all the pussy.

There's some good pussy up there, boy.

Hey, boy, I got some good pussy up on that stomach, boy.

This is a fat woman sitting next to me doing the same thing.

Pierre.

Pierre, stop threatening those women.

Pierre, stop pulling your tooth out and threatening those women with pussy eating.

Hey, I ain't nothing wrong with this song.

You're never going in there.

Pierre St.

Pierre.

Pierre St.

Pierre.

All right, they have plenty of good pussy out here, boy.

I'll tell you that much.

Hey, ladies, you want some bar poison?

Ain't nothing like a crawdad.

I'm not allowing Shreepor anymore of all that pussy out there eating out the Katrina.

They're trying to reason with you?

All those women need a place to live.

I brought them in my shack.

I ate all that pussy right up.

You're like, Pierre, don't you care about tourism?

Don't you understand how this makes us look?

Yeah, Pierre.

Just at least don't do it outside of the cigar shop.

My Peppa had this cigar shop.

He was slinging dick out here for a generation, boy.

I'll tell you, ain't moving me just because the stone came.

Plenty of dick out here, boy.

Plenty of dick out here for everybody, Salge.

Here at St.

Pierre's a great character.

Love here in St.

Pierre.

He'd be amazing.

This is what SNL would be if they knew what they were doing.

Yeah, yeah.

If they would fucking hire us.

All right, Lauren.

So

it's a pussy-eating Cajun that's ruining the tourism industry of post-Katrina, New Orleans.

That this Pierre Saint Pierre.

Just long going on.

No.

Oh, well, you're going to come.

Come on down here.

I'm going to play that pussy like a trumpet.

I'm going to have a dirge all the way up, your asshole to your pussy crack.

I'm going to march the whole funeral from the tip of your ass crack to the top of that pussy.

David Seidman, do you have any interest in writing this?

Tremay 2, baby.

Sorry.

Saint Pierre St.

Pierre.

I never knew what Tremay was about.

I couldn't get into it.

It was just.

It should just be called Not the Wire.

Right.

It's just.

The Wire with trumpets instead of guns.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

No, thanks.

I didn't get it.

No.

Too many parades.

No, there's got to be drug dealing involved.

Molly Klein was going off on the wire the other day.

The lesbians.

About what?

I just like how fucking people dislike or like it.

Or like white people like it.

Is she a comedian or writer?

No, she's an insane person that dresses like a writer.

Great.

Yeah.

No, not even a Thinkpiece writer.

Just someone that sits on Twitter and like does.

Oh, really?

Does, yeah, like doesn't even make it to the piece.

Media criticism.

Oh, is that Red Catch?

Yeah, she's insane.

She has like schizophrenia.

Yeah, I would imagine it's probably not great.

She hates Amber.

I like her because she goes to insult people, and she's like, she's like, you know, one of those nerds you'd make fun of as a kid?

Yeah.

And then they'd finally lose their temper, and they'd be like, you'd be like, oh, yeah, well, you're this.

And the thing they said was like, so pathetic.

It's the worst thing ever.

Yeah, what did you say to Amber?

She called their amber ass ass frost.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

Like, what'd you say something like that?

It's like, oh, you should be beaten.

You know, like,

you should be allowed to be clubbed repeatedly.

No, she's going off on the wire saying that it's like

white people like the show because there's not a single 12-year-old black kid on the show that isn't shown as a gun-toting drug dealer.

What?

Yeah.

And it's completely false.

First of all, are there?

First of all, you didn't watch the watch.

What show are you watching?

Those are the people you feel the only sympathy for.

You realize how hopeless their situation is.

It's a show about how the police are bad and how the people running drugs are kind of normal.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, well, it's a show about how

the problem is, the scope of the problem is so huge, and that it's really every element of society.

It's kind of like my business.

Right.

And all of these different interests.

It is like Pierre Saint-Pierre in a sense.

There's so many different interlocking systems of

black boy.

Them young black boy ain't had no change, man.

It's just them racism.

Two of Treme is about the tourism industry in New Orleans and how it's incredibly hamstrung by the Cajun pigs, Pierre Saint-Pierre, the pussy-eating pig of the Gold Coast.

Yeah, when you watch The Wire,

you know,

go to that dig out here.

You're like, we're fucked.

You know, you watch The Wire, you're like, oh, there's no easy fix to

anything, which is, you know, you're like, this is a fucked system.

But then every once in a while, a couple of kids who are gangbangers get out of it.

I mean, the answer is young people paying lip service to leftist politics and accruing their own wealth and forgetting about it when they turn 35.

I think that makes sense.

Becoming liberals and, you know, moving out of Brooklyn, getting a house in the suburbs.

You forget all about the podcast.

I think

a good improv strategy.

People are going to be so ashamed of themselves that they used to listen to us.

I feel like they'll take it out every now and then.

You know how suburban yuppies will take out a joint sometime?

They're going to bring out an episode of Cometown.

They're going to be like, listen to this one.

And it's just Nick Killing's some crazy Asian accent.

You know, it's just like five yuppies in the suburbs like, all right, come on, let's go.

What do you got?

We got Come Town.

Oh, wow.

Can you imagine what a fucking train wreck I'm going to be at that point?

Oh, that would be amazing.

It's going to be amazing.

It's just covered in plastic surgery.

Yeah.

Looking like Sandy Kenyon with like a

Rachel haircut.

I'm having

90 pounds.

I just got to lose five more pounds.

Stay young forever.

You keep going to the hospital.

They're like, there's nothing wrong with you.

You're like, I need another operation.

Make my elbows jacked.

My elbows aren't.

There's not enough definition in my fucking bows.

God damn, I am not looking forward to anything happening after this moment right now.

Yeah.

Nothing good's coming.

Nothing good's coming.

No, dude, no, it sucks.

There's nothing good coming

for anyone.

I don't get the vibe that anyone we know is

going to a good place.

Yeah, of course not.

Even wildly successful people.

I'm just like, oh, it's going to end bad.

It's just what kind of bad.

Right.

Just for being, if you were a positive influence in my life, nothing good will come of it.

There's 10 sober comedians I know right now where I work out what the relapse is going to be in my head.

I'm like, what will it be?

How will it happen?

Will they get more than one or will they just OD in a fucking red roof in?

How does it work?

Oh, yeah, it's gonna be bad.

Yeah, yeah, because that's the thing: is like I've been pretty good at staying sober, but it's also like things have just been getting progressively better for me in the last five years.

And it's like, if I was, if I had spent the last five years walking dogs in Brooklyn, yeah, absolutely no way I wouldn't have started drinking again.

Well, yeah, but hanging out with Jake Flores every day and like getting drunk and playing fucking boards.

Drinking is tough, man, because it's like everywhere, it's all over the place, and you just, it feels still so much like the right move.

Absolutely.

In our society, just grab a drink, quick drink.

Doing a line of blow is still like, well, maybe I should.

Yeah, this is a little.

Right, right, right.

You feel like an asshole.

You take a fucking drink.

You're like, yeah, this is great.

It's what I should be doing.

And there's something beautiful about an extra day.

That's why it's over.

That's why it's so the next day.

It's a beautiful.

I love that.

That's why it's a perkado.

It's a beautiful fall off the wagon.

Oh, yeah.

It's because it's like you have that first drink, you get a little bit of a buzz, and you're like, oh, yeah, this is what being a human being feels like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is how I should feel all the time.

Yeah.

I mean, that's how I feel about food.

Yeah.

That's how I feel about that.

There's a feeling you get when you eat that's like, I don't know what it is, but it's just this feeling of like,

all right, I'm going to make it.

My heart.

I'm going to survive.

I feel like my heart's getting a boner when that's happening.

And in some ways, it's hardening.

It is, in some ways, the cholesterol.

There's something going on there where you're like, the best comedy writing I ever did was while I was hungover.

Second best comedy writing I ever did while I was drunk as shit and, you know, also high.

I don't know about that.

I bet you some of the third best is after a murder, I hit someone with my car.

I watched them die.

I went right to the writer's room.

Six sketches, all amazing.

Yeah.

That's where I came up with Pierre Saint-Pierre.

Yeah.

Because I raped a five-year-old

during Katrina.

I said, what if there is a character who had a dick that he would offer from underneath his guns?

And they were like, oh, yeah.

Oh, Pierre Saint-Pierre.

It's fun.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I need to do a Pierre Saint-Pierre photo series immediately, dude.

That's amazing.

I'm picturing Pierre St.

Pierre.

It is you.

The teeth is gone.

No teeth.

Yeah.

There's nothing needs to be added to it.

Not even really a change of venue.

This is as close to New Orleans as you need to be.

They're going to make the effect of it.

Just maybe a king cake next to you.

Like one of those tri-color cakes.

Right.

Some crawdad shells.

Oh, yeah.

You sucked dry.

Yep.

New Orleans got some of the best and worst food in the world.

You know, it's like something you eat will be amazing.

And then they're like, we got spider.

It's like, wait a minute.

He's like, what am I eating?

Deep-fried gasoline.

You're like, wait a minute.

This can't be.

We got bread pudding, rock pudding, possum tail gumball, boy.

Just like a big old spaghetti.

Those menus are real confusing.

You order the wrong thing.

Can I get the peach cobbler and the turd?

That's a tuddeau.

That's twice.

Oh, so it's not shit.

Nah, it's human shit.

No, okay.

That came straight off a tugboat.

Man, all the tugboat boys out there, they take a big old dump on the deck and they come in, they put it back on the table, and we heat it up a little bit.

We've been serving about 90 years.

Everybody's been in business 95 years.

You go to every place.

You say like 95 years.

You used to be black people weren't allowed to look at the turd.

Black man came in there and looked at the turd.

Oh, they put his ass in jail.

Over my mama, it was a witch.

She was a real witch.

We hung her right in the courtyard.

We've been here 116 years.

They let high yellow boys come in here and look at the turd if they was good at peanut enough.

But I mean,

you better be pretty damn good at that peony.

Come in here and look at the turd.

Talking about eating the turd, boy.

You better look like a banana.

They do a travel video.

There's your travel video.

Soul lights.

And I'm about to peel you and suck you off.

Matter of fact, we did suck off home the more.

It's always funny when you see like a travel video of just like a hot blonde chick get kind of uncomfortable in one of these like New Orleans, like real like swamp type of situations.

It's always the same chick who's really thin, hot.

Like it's so exciting to be here.

And then it's like a chef who's just standing a little too close.

Yeah.

Sneering at her.

The moment the cameras are off, she's in danger.

Yeah, a guy with like a bunch of scars all over his face and Popeye tattoos.

He learned everything at Angola.

Oh, fuck.

Great city, though.

I love your rooms, dude.

Yeah, it's Angola.

Angola, beautiful.

Good place to be.

Guys, don't worry.

I have plenty of topics for us to discuss.

For example, I was watching an old episode of Family Feud.

How old are we tired?

Very old.

Richard Dawson.

Whoa, what is that?

What year is that?

That's like late 70s.

Gotcha.

This motherfucker is straight up.

vietnam feud yeah yeah yeah yeah what did we not have any hand in the gulf of tonkin bay

uh

this motherfucker is just straight up kissing women on the mouth dude yeah like in the front

in front of their husbands yeah like this fucking

dad has got to watch some fucking old alcoholic literally feel these bitches up and kiss like tongue mouth kisses yeah that shit is wild dude that's that's so that's my take on family feud Yeah.

So what do you guys think about that kind of situation?

Steve Harvey.

Yeah, I was instantly imagining Steve Harvey doing that.

And what

well, they have also had some hilarious guests in the past.

They had Louis Anderson.

That's actually Pierre St.

Pierre got in here.

Remember Louis Anderson

on Steve Harvey's big break.

Louis Anderson had like a sex scandal that just went away.

Yeah, well, it was like one of those things.

No, some guy was like, hey, would just keep grabbing my dick.

Everyone's like, Will you shut up?

Yeah.

It's Louis Anderson.

Let him grab your dick.

Well, people know knew that about him.

And he had to keep his gay identity under wraps because he worked with children back in the 90s.

And that terrible animated series, Life with Louie.

I used to like it, but I was a little kid.

Is that during the Bobby's world?

He was one of those fat men you're supposed to like as a funny child.

Right.

True.

You know?

As a fat menu.

So it was pinky in the brain.

That was like a strong line.

It was great.

No, no, because Life with Louie wasn't on WB, was it?

No, but it was on

Foxbox.

Was it Fox or ABC?

I think it was Foxbox.

Okay, but it was Saturday mornings.

Yeah, well, it was Fox's cartoon programming because I remember I didn't have access to it.

I wouldn't see it very often.

It was like, I think Eek the Cat, Life with Louie.

Eek the Cat.

That was a big one.

I don't remember that.

Maybe it was

a little bit more than that.

Then it led right into cops for the kids.

That's different than Bobby's one.

WB led to Hercules and Xena.

Yeah, you're right.

Hercules and Xena.

Yes, Hercules and Xena.

I used to watch that.

That was a Saturday afternoon chess.

Yeah, Xena was such a good show.

Hercules sucked compared to Xena.

I mean, just because Xena had them titties on deck.

Oh, yeah.

Well, Gabriella was so hot, dude.

Was she a lesbian?

One of them was a lesbian.

Xena wasn't.

Lucy Lawless feels like a lesbian.

She's not, though.

She's not.

Okay, but she's not.

And then, don't you see her tits in.

She feels like she could beat Kevin Sorbo in like a domestic.

Oh, back then, for sure.

Back then, like, there's a domestic.

You go to the house.

Kevin Sorbo is a lesbian.

Yeah, he's got the haircut.

Did you see that movie that came out two years ago with him?

There's two Christian movies.

I love how he's rebranded.

Nothing's funnier than when somebody goes hard right into Christianity.

He went Greek mythology, now doing Christian mythology.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now he's like, it was really all Jesus.

Zeus, everything led to Jesus.

He's playing a different fictional character that never existed.

Never had any of those powers.

That's so funny, though.

In Greek school, that's literally what they tried to do.

Yeah.

Because they would teach us about Greek mythology.

Look at this.

They were right, they talked about Jesus coming.

They're like, Oh, there's gonna be, they just made something.

It's like, oh, the three-headed dog.

You read the Bible, you're like, oh, this is kind of this is so many of the myths.

The virgin birth is like, yeah, whatever.

But like, they literally tried to tell us, and actually, the 12 gods were like, a new god's coming that's gonna be even more powerful.

A new god's coming.

And they just wanted to, like, seem like, and we were like, yeah.

I love how they say, like, a gay guy announces a Starbucks is coming.

A new god's coming

next week.

Oh, he had some fresh meat, boy.

Yeah.

He got some good dick up under that loincloth.

We got bad news.

Pierre St.

Pierre found a new Starbucks.

Hey, boys, how y'all doing out there?

Pierre, these Yelp reviews, I'm going to read them to you.

I'm going to read them to you right now.

Shut up, boy.

You know I can't read.

I'm going to read them to you.

He's like, yeah, I'm that bad at reading.

This man's spitting my daughter.

Do you see that, Pierre?

He made oinking noises while jerking off.

Oh, don't don't stop now, girl.

I don't know.

The air around him was viscous.

I don't even know.

It's like a face car.

It's humid out here, boy.

It's pH.

I got though.

Yeah, it's like somebody putting people

like a fry the deep fryer in a bowling alley.

That's what it's like around Spears in Pierre at all times.

Just smells like canola oil in the air.

He's the real yellow king from True Detective.

He invaded cash on the bottom.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah.

Kevin Sorbo.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I love his rebrand, man.

It fucking rules.

There's nowhere to go.

That's the other thing.

When you get to that point, you kind of have to.

What are you going to do?

Well, Zena, to her credit, she was in,

fuck, wedding crashes.

She was like the hot Milfy mom and whatever.

Yeah, but you get that check.

You're like, Sorbo's, like, you get in that Christian freak arena.

Those people

pay you.

You probably make more money than being kind of like a, being like, do, doing a fucking self-aware

cameo in a lot of stuff.

No, you got to be like, you're right, that's okay.

We're doing another Christmas carol where Kevin Sorbo plays screws.

I would love to have Kevin Sorbo on the show, man.

That's a dream.

By the way, I'm sure it's attainable.

You're acting like it's not attainable.

Bro, can we debate Sorbo when you're going to be able to do it?

I'm pretty sure it's literally an email and a Southwest flight away.

Bro, whatever the cost is, if you know Kevin Sorbo, I will do whatever it takes to get him on the show.

Yeah, just tell him it's a Christian podcast.

Yeah.

You just tell him to be like, we for Christian United Ministries.

Town.

Town.

There's a town of them, sir.

They're all together.

Yeah, dude.

Salute to Sorbo.

I mean,

the fucking production value on those shows was basically pornography.

It was basically softcore porn.

They always had like a, every scene was the same.

It would be like a bunch of of peasants with jugs who would get knocked over and then there'd just be a fight and Lawless's tits were like hanging out.

And it was like that was every scene.

Literally every scene.

Every scene would show up, try to fuck every other person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's that?

Wasn't he a famous guy?

Yeah, it's Sam Raimi's brother.

I'm pretty sure.

Wasn't

that successful, right?

Yeah.

Did I just, who's the guy from Evil Dead?

Sam Raimi.

No, right?

Bruce Campbell.

Bruce Campbell.

Was he ever in Cena?

I feel like he was.

No, he was on a show called Jack of All Trades.

It was part of that programming block.

I'm sure he guessed.

His knowledge is amazing.

I'm sure he guest-starred on-wise.

Yeah, they did a lot of

cross-promotion.

They really did.

Oh, they did.

Honestly, I loved it.

Oh, it's great.

I could not get enough.

Dude, it was great.

And then wrestling, like wrestling was also part of it.

Smackdown.

Yeah, yeah.

That was my only exposure.

I remember everyone liked wrestling.

I didn't have cable growing up, so like I would have to pretend to know.

Yeah, yeah.

You must have.

That was so many conversations you had as a kid, just pretending to know what everyone else.

I pretended.

No idea what AOL and Passenger is.

I didn't know.

I had never seen South Park until I was like 22 years old.

Right, but you had no idea.

I was like, you know, nine years ago.

I didn't have Cable.

I had no Nickelodeon.

That was fucking brutal.

Everybody was talking about Nickelodeon.

Every fucking thing.

My go-to would always be like, can you believe they killed Kenny again?

That was what I had to fucking talk about.

I knew

let's jerk each other off.

I had to

talk about fucking cartoons.

I remember when

South Park came out, I didn't know it was a cartoon, and people would talk about it, and I had just zero context for what this show is

or what's going on.

Yeah, yeah, no idea.

I just, you bastard.

Can we talk about The Simpsons?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I had The Simpsons locked a load.

The Xerokefali, that's what Pete's dad used to call them, which meant the knuckleheads.

The knuckleheads.

Or

I guess typically the translation was, or more accurately, the dry heads.

Interesting.

Dry head was a real.

It meant you're dumb.

Why didn't he just call them The Simpsons?

What was the need for the...

Because he's a fucking Greek encrypted

Greek fucking villager.

He hated him.

Yeah.

He only watched Xena to see his hero.

Yeah, he was the one who...

Bro, this guy hated.

Here's how much of a backwoods villager he was.

I think I talked about this on the show.

So Eldis, my roommate, you haven't met.

I don't know if you met him, Tim.

He's Albanian.

And a certain subset of dumb Greek villagers, Albanians are like to be spit upon.

You know what I mean?

They're like treated the way like Turks are.

Yeah, no, because they're like, because they're lower than us.

Turks, we hate because of the Ottoman Empire.

Right, they cuffed us.

Gotcha.

But Albanians are like,

it's how like

people.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, undocumented workers and shit like that.

Right.

They would treat them like second-class citizens.

It's how in Long Island we view women, minorities,

exactly.

People that don't own homes, people that don't have SUVs.

Yes, exactly.

This guy made Eldis, we've grown up together.

We've been friends since preschool.

Me,

my friend Pete, and my friend Eldis.

And Pete's dad, the villager, he made Eldis wait outside.

He wouldn't let him in his home.

So he wouldn't let an Albanian child in his home.

And we could play

outside in the yard.

Like, I was inside watching Eldis.

Dude, but that's what what I respect about Greek people.

They commit hard.

Oh, yeah.

Hard.

Like, I don't think there's any deathbed

retraction.

He was right now being in his home.

Yeah,

but then Eldis was like, Frank.

Keep being friends with this guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Elvis is like, this guy's different.

He's going to change the whole thing.

I mean, obviously, we were sad about it.

We were like, dude, sorry.

Like, you can come to my house.

Like, my brand's very progressive.

It's always interesting, those friendships that are formed.

I used to work in Long Island with this guy who was like this disgusting racist.

And he would would like say to me, he'd be like, he was this guy who talked like this, Italian guy.

He'd go, my daughter comes to the house with a couple of black kids.

My wife looks at me.

I'm like, what are we going to fucking do?

I'm just horrified.

Like, what do you mean?

What are you going to do?

I'm like, I'm like,

by the way, 2007, like he said, I was horrified in the office.

I'm like, what do you mean?

I thought I didn't hear part of the story.

I'm like, oh, was it a rape?

Like, what do you mean?

What are you going to do?

He's like, what are we going to do?

And I said to my wife, and my wife sat my daughters down.

And she was like, if you ever do that again, we'd throw you out in the street.

I'm like, oh, so you'd make your kids homeless if they bring home black.

Like, I'm like, what is this?

Yeah, good.

But this is a guy,

this is a guy in fairness who went.

It was a homeless shelter.

Right.

When my boss walked in one day with a yellow tie, this guy looked at my boss and went, you look like a piece of mustard.

So he also could have been slightly retarded.

You know what I mean?

Like a piece of mustard.

You look like a piece of mustard.

Pierre's causing issues outside of the convention center.

We got a big weekend.

We can't handle this.

Yeah, that guy could.

I mean, that's the other thing.

Being stupid as shit in white.

Yeah.

I mean, so many of the most racist people are just like probably retarded people.

And not only just like because they've been able to get a lot of people.

And especially in Long Island, they have jobs.

Like they have money.

Like their ignorance has been rewarded

with, they've been able to like do okay.

So they're like, why challenge this mindset?

But it's like when you when you like meet somebody who's like that cartoonishly racist, you're almost you want to, your first instinct's to laugh.

You're like, this is a joke, right?

Like, what are we going to do?

What are you going to do?

Yeah, well, black kids in Detrify.

I was like, wait, what?

I'm like, wait a minute.

What do you say?

When I grew up, I had black friends in Spanish.

I'm like, what do you mean?

It was bad, man.

What are we going to do Is the best?

What are we going to do?

This emergency you fucking caused on our life.

And he's like, My wife sat it down.

And she told him, You'll be out of this house if you do this again.

I'm like, Do this again?

Bring kids to the driveway?

I can't recall ever meeting somebody that's just because it's always been couched with, like, I'm not racist.

I just think the nations are

separate and they should be genocided.

You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's never, it's never like, yeah, yeah.

They're worse than us.

Yeah, right, right, right.

It's like it's worse than us.

I don't, I'm not apologizing for it.

It's other than online, I guess.

Right.

Well, Greek people, like, I think I've already talked about this fucking piece of shit,

was it a restaurant?

It's just a fucking

piece of shit guy.

I mean, just a horrible racist.

Pierre St.

Peter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One for everybody.

Harambe, Babopoulos.

I think I've already talked about him.

Constantine.

His biggest, one of the biggest quotes I remember this guy saying, and it was like, what was he?

A speaker?

Yeah, this guy.

A discreet guy?

Discreet guy.

He was my friend's dad.

Oh, okay.

My friend's dad.

I thought he had a platform.

No, no, no, no.

He's a fucking plumber.

He's a fucking shitty.

He's a failing plumber.

He runs Athens Plumbing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think

I told this story where this kid, George's birthday, his dad was

giving advice, and he was like, listen to me, boys.

The two worst things a man can be is a gambler and a faggot.

Everyone's lagging.

What's the point?

Thank you, Bob.

Excuse me.

Hold on, Starbros.

Where does he stop making sense?

Because I gotta be honest,

I've gambled and sucked some dick, and he's gotta be a better rogue.

You know?

This is the kind of guy he loved basketball, and his sons were horrible at basketball.

And it was like,

How can you even claim that

black people are inferior when you watch basketball?

Yeah, these people aren't big on logic.

Yeah, I know, but it's like he was just such a piece of shit.

And one of the most racist ones.

Well, to be fair, I mean, at least he puts him above faggots and gamblers.

He does have a hierarchy.

I mean, you're making this guy out to sound pretty faggot.

And by the way, that's because you know somehow he got fucked over gambling and someone like grabbed his dick.

It's so weird, those two groups of people.

You know, he's like, there are two things in life you should never be.

A faggot and a short order cook.

Be a chef.

Don't work at the diner.

It's like, wait a minute.

What are you?

What personal thing?

They cannot talk down to you.

Big chef.

They said, bye.

Where are my ex?

Fuck you.

That's where you're at.

How about that?

Yeah, dude.

He was a fucking, just a piece of dog shit.

But it's these fucking horrible immigrants that, like, nothing goes well for them.

Yeah.

They come to a new country.

It's bad.

Yeah.

So all they take it out on is their fucking wives and just say, you you know, as it should be.

You just say Mexican wife.

Why do you get married?

That and the tax benefit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, if you make enough money, you don't have to get married.

They'll keep making new PlayStations.

That's true.

That's true.

You don't need a wife.

I want to, yeah, I wonder if I want a wife, dude.

I want to settle down.

You know, you want a lady?

No, I mean, do you see yourself as a suburban dude?

Like, because I see myself.

You see yourself as a suburban guy?

Eventually, getting out of the city.

Not anytime soon, but eventually I kind of want the idea of that bobby life, just kind of being 40 minutes away.

That's kind of nice.

I just pray that I will have the courage to kill myself at some point.

Okay.

Well, hey.

Well, hey,

hey, dude, no problem.

You won't have the courage.

There'll be a point where you want to, but you won't do it.

None of that appeals to you having a house, a porch.

No, it makes me, it gives me like anxiety.

Really?

There's an element of it that gives me anxiety, but because I think of that as quitting in a way.

Like, I can't wait to quit.

Like, what I mean is, like, it's like...

I think it's starting.

But that's like that's like that's like oh i've done it i've achieved something and it's like the idea that i can move it kind of semi-retire sounds nice in the same way well yeah it's not happening forever the accumulation of like things gives me anxiety because you have more to lose i i like had like uh

uh like a breakdown almost when i was like 21 before i moved to la because i had my own apartment and i would like temp here and there but i made enough money to like yeah you know pay for all my shit and i like put everything i wanted in my apartment and like fucked with me.

I'm like, I gotta get.

And I just sold everything.

I had a when I was 21, I had a house I bought with a scam mortgage for $700,000.

I had a Chevy Suburban.

It was a 44-gallon tank, $4 thing to fill up, filling it up with credit cards and stuff.

And I really, I always remembered, like, when I was 21, I go, I'll just go bankrupt.

Like, my friends would be like, How are you going to afford all this?

And I would just be high and be like, I'll just go bankrupt.

So it's like, to me, I'm like, there's no debtor's prison, Cock.

Live.

Go out there and live.

Right, right.

Right.

Like, I know, yeah, I'm gonna lose it.

That's my attitude.

It's like,

of course, I'm gonna lose it.

I respect that.

Yeah, it's, and that's what I mean by quitting.

It just feels like I,

it's like when I, I don't want that pressure of like, oh, I'm gonna lose this thing.

It's gonna be at the point where it's like, I have it, it's done.

No, I agree with you.

Listen, as I get older, I don't think like that anymore.

Of course, but I'm like, you know, I was fucking, I was also fucking on drugs.

On drugs.

At the end of the day, it's like that.

That's kind of like the way I think a lot of people think.

That's when you start meeting like people that are successful in business.

You're kind of like, oh, you start talking to them.

Some of them are insane.

They're like genuinely psychotic.

Oh, you don't give a fuck about anything.

You're just like, you're a machine that will move in one direction no matter what happens without thinking about anything.

That's the best way to be.

These are the people that like money.

Well, that's like, why do you need $2 billion?

You know what I mean?

Why do you need your next billion?

It's like, those are the people that you can do.

When I met that CEO, dude, I won't say what network, but it was like every minute of his day is accounted for.

And every question I asked him, I got like this like, like very direct, very short answer that was very like, he didn't, he was, he could have been wrong.

He didn't care.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He didn't care about being right or wrong.

It was just like, boom, that's why.

That's why it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell me it's not.

I'm like, all right, right, right, right.

Yeah, I mean, I can't fucking, I can't relate to that shit.

I don't know, though.

I don't know what the, what the dream like.

end like a retirement thing is i'd like to get the next thing i want to get to is an apartment that's like all mine whatever where it's set up up the way I want.

That it's like, that's my home for the next like 10 years.

I want that next stage.

But the thing is, I keep, I worry about

what's next because it's like, fuck, my whole life of like, all I want to do is be a working comedian.

Nah, because

it's here and it's

scared.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I don't want to say who it is, but we know a guy.

He's got a very fucking nice apartment, you know, has that career that you want and like.

internally tortured.

Yeah, that's everyone we know.

Back up.

We know a guy.

We know all of the guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's most people.

I've tried to keep it as vague as possible.

No, of course.

But, like, yeah, I mean, that's still.

He's talking about himself.

I am.

Oh, okay.

No, no, no.

Okay.

No, I'll cosign that.

But that's the thing is, is like, yeah, everybody's fucked.

But I mean, I'm also trying to want to work on that.

But that's what I mean.

I want to get to the point where I'm happy in that thing.

Because I feel like I'm almost happy here.

I mean, if I didn't think I was going to die, I'd be pretty happy.

I just always like to do shit.

And that's like, so me, I'm like things that I haven't been successful at.

I want to try to learn how to do them.

Heterosexuality, is that heterosexuality?

I know, I could, I could get a fatty

curvy Greek bitch, nice-looking, dark hair,

go out to fucking Taverna.

Oh, now

you speak my language.

Oh, yeah, man.

I would skip those literally.

I suck on tits.

They're like a food.

I don't care, you know.

Yeah, it does nothing for you.

Nothing, no chill runs.

I would marry if I could fuck dudes on the side and I had to marry a woman for money or a house.

I mean, I would do it.

Like, if a chick, I'd be like, straight up, like, listen, I'm going to fuck dudes.

Yeah, there's a suburban life for you.

Yeah, that's a suburban life.

I would have been happy in the 40s, 50s.

Yeah.

Soccer coach.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, listen.

I mean, come on.

The guy.

There's nothing better.

I've been in the closet and hooked up with people.

I've been out of the closet.

Nothing's better than being in the closet hooking up with people.

I mean, I know that that's probably going to not make people happy, but I will say that's hotter.

Dishaffishing.

That's hot.

It is.

Lying is hot.

Anybody who's like, this is so hot.

My parents are so supportive.

I'm like,

I get soft.

I'm like, I want a guy who shows up with a black eye.

And he's like, my father fucking punched me because he caught me jacking it to fucking whatever.

And I'm like, come on in here, boy.

I got some good dick up on the hamburger.

What's your father's?

My son's been fucking that Cajun pig outside of the 7-Eleven.

I don't have a problem with them being gay, but don't fuck Pierre St.

Pierre.

Like, son, you're fucking Pierre Saint-Pierre.

You're destroying this city.

Our family has been disgraced.

We're not like that, you're clothing a dick, boy.

I taste the weed of the kingcake, boy.

I'll tell you that much.

Put them beignet up in my mouth.

I'll put a crawfish up.

You fucking.

Yeah.

You're like the son's trying to sneak up the stairs.

Yeah.

That dad's like, come here a second.

It's like, is this powdered sugar held onto your face with cum?

Oh, fuck.

But you're saying dishonesty is hot.

Sorry.

I mean, it's just hot.

It is really hot.

It's only hot to.

That's the thing that kind of sucks about fucking as an adult versus a teenager.

As a teenager, you're not supposed to be fucking.

All the fucking you're doing is happening in places where you would be arrested if you got caught doing it.

Yes, I know from all the sex I had.

Well, you know, it's like, I don't know, as an adult, it's like, what, are we going to fuck in my apartment that I pay for consensually?

It sounds like bullshit to me.

But isn't it also possible that all three of us and a lot of the people we fuck have horrible problems with intimacy?

That we find things that are weird hot.

You know what I mean?

I find a lot of the prostitutes that I'm with are

together.

I think they are.

I would disagree with you.

I think they're pretty.

They have goals.

They almost learned English.

I want to be a music manager.

Sure.

Whatever you say.

Good to meet you.

You know.

I will go back to Russia to meet my dear parents.

I was on a a website once where a kid goes, what about like a kid goes, like, he goes,

he goes, he was like, I'm in Russia.

He's like, all I experience is violence, and I want to get out of Russia.

And I'm like, oh, okay.

Good luck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know what you think

this is.

Are you going to beat off on cam or not?

Yeah.

When you say I was on a website,

I've seen a lot of websites.

Yeah, you know.

Whatever you're describing, does it sound like a signal?

No, it was seeking.

It's seeking arrangements, arrangements, which is like, oh, it's like a sugar daddy baby website where it's like, you, and I go on it and I'm like, hey, you want to have a nice dinner?

And they're like, yeah, what about a monthly allowance?

I'm like, hey, how about a fucking shellfish tower?

Right.

And you enjoy it.

You suck off.

You know, so I could stop taking Ray Cump out and I could pick out some fucking NYU student who just wants a ribeye.

And one kid messaged me.

He's like, and one kid messaged me.

He's like, I want to leave Russia.

I'm like, well, this is,

this is a very, yeah, this is different.

This seems odd.

I'm trying to trade fucking Blowjobs for Porter houses.

Yeah, but essentially that website is a form of prostitution.

Yeah, it's just enough of a middleman.

Yeah, I had a girl that does it on my podcast where she was talking about like,

you know, oh, I'm on an allowance, all these guys, they do this, that, and the other thing for me.

And then you're like, you're like, oh, no, this is just, you're just fucking awesome.

You're a whore,

which is nice.

Yeah, sweet woman.

Love her.

Yeah.

Great lady.

Should I go on Seeking Arrangement?

I tried to post one of myself when I was.

You know what it is?

Here's the thing with that website.

I don't really use it a lot, but it's like, it's just fun.

Like, here's the the thing: you on Seeking Arrangement, you become a nine.

I'm a nine because like all these 75-year-olds.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, you're like the nine on Seeking Arrangement.

My friend's just a good-looking dude.

He goes on, it doesn't give anyone anything and just fucks.

Whoa, interesting.

Yeah, he just fucks, you know.

Oh, I like this idea.

Yeah, I'm gonna get on.

I'm gonna get boys that I can be like, I want a harem of girls.

I mean, I refuse to believe there's any website where Stav is a nine.

Come on, you know what?

It is.

He's a set.

Listen,

you know,

it's a fucking, you know.

First of all, I'm cute as hell.

Okay.

When they make a toothless dating website, I'm going to be a good person.

The only difference between you and Pierre Saint-Pierre is the accent.

Pierre's a very charming guy.

He's a pillar.

He's a pillar of his community.

I love the idea of like local

town meetings discussing.

Like they have a blackboard with issues, and they're like post-Katrina cleanup, education, Pierre Saint-Pierre.

Like he's the third thing that has to be addressed.

What's that third thing?

So yeah, I can't read, but I got bad feelings about it.

Yeah.

Y'all got about Pierre St.

Pierre.

Now you know the rules.

Keep my name out

unless you want to put my dick inside of it.

Is there any way we can all like crowdfund a Coleman tent to place over him?

Ain't no thing going on Pierre.

He'll just shout out to Tat.

We've tried.

Nothing will stop him.

We had two weeks where we were constantly feeding him cotton candy to keep his mouth shut.

He made the poisonous strong.

It only made him stronger.

Nothing's worse.

He made a poisonous cotton candy.

Yeah.

St.

Pierre.

Last time we saw him, he was eating blood out of a turtle shell.

That was his life.

All the mice in the area are dead after feeding on his droppings.

That classic Cajun meal.

Bloody turtle.

They have some like a

knife.

Hot sauce and like a turtle.

You eat it and your stomach's burning.

You're like, some of the food down there is so hot.

You're like, what is the point of this?

Like, where does this

weed for quitman, boy?

Oh, this turret isn't spicy enough.

That ain't no cash.

That is so funny.

You're like, turdo.

Todeau.

That's to-do.

Ain't no black that I eat no tad-do.

Only black, I have a third or two with magic yonf.

I was in New Orleans a couple years ago with

Ariel Elias and

I think Scotland Green.

We went to some restaurant that had just opened up.

It was there.

Literally, they had opened up like an hour prior.

Right.

Wait, was I there?

Maybe.

Was that health?

And we lied to get Ariel's dog into the restaurant.

We said she had like a disability or something so we could bring the dog in.

Yeah, I think I was there.

We went to brunch.

We went to brunch, and that waiter who had like just gotten out of prison, who like told us.

Yes, I was there.

I was there.

Yeah.

It was an over-the-top.

It was like a cheesy, over-the-top jazz-themed place.

Yes, it was.

But it was called like jazz, right, right, right.

It was horrible.

It was like worse food, yeah.

But I just remember that waiter that was like, you know, one of those guys who's so happy to not be in jail anymore, but you're just worried about not pissing them off.

Right, right, right.

You know, so fucking high strong.

Very on edge.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's like, that's a funny

idea of that is crazy because that's the worst job.

So to get out of jail, service industry and become.

And then you're like, from jail, yeah, yeah.

Dealing with people.

They're just complaining about about fucking everything.

Yeah, you survive.

That's how you quickly get sent back to prison.

Right.

I mean, that's interacting with the public.

Is there anyone worse and more drunk with power than a restaurant manager?

The number one job is.

Like a cheesecake factor.

Yes.

You get out of prison.

You should immediately get a job at the firewood place where they have to just split.

Hell yeah.

There's nothing worse than like a manager at like an Applebee's on a busy Saturday night where they're like, oh, yeah.

They're acting like it's a rocket launch.

Everybody's got those buzzing, beeping things, and they're walking around.

They're like, I need you now.

I need you.

You're in this section.

And it's like, you want to just stop them and be like, your life is horrible.

This is so bad.

Yeah.

He just has a fucking double whiskey eat afterwards.

He's like, did it again.

After the day, he's sitting at the bar like a knob and fat.

Exactly.

He's like, man, Friday night half price apps.

We did it again.

We did it again.

That's the big loser thing that they say after they've done something.

They're like, did it again, boys?

See you next week.

I worked at a GameStop.

It was a seasonal employee to GameStop.

I was outside in the back having a cigarette with the manager and the assistant manager.

And then, like, maybe two other guys that worked there were all just smoking.

And the manager was like,

I just want to let you guys know.

We did $1.1 million in sales over the last two months.

And the fucking assistant manager is exhaling a cigarette and like shaking his fists in the air, like,

we fucking did it.

You don't see any of that money.

Yeah, who cares?

First of all, we're not salesmen here.

Right, right.

There's no bear.

Nobody's like, yeah, you know what?

I think I will get the new Grand Theft Auto because I like the way that autistic guy wiped the cheese off his shirt long enough for me to hand him $60.

I feel comfortable doing business here in this game.

Right, right, right.

Edward.

Make me feel at home.

I'm like,

with the 37-year-old man wearing a legend of cell phone.

I watched it cap.

Dude, I watched a cell phone.

I had a cell phone salesman at Sprint in a Long Island Strip Mall Sprint store.

Yeah, beautiful.

The store was just closing.

I come in and I'm like, dude, I need a phone.

I'm just like, I need a new phone.

This is like bells start going off.

This is like, he gets like $70.

If he takes this whole transaction from beginning to end, he gets to a point where he has to call up Sprint to like get some agreement waived or some bullshit, you know?

It's not going through.

Like, they keep hanging up on him.

And he's like, he's got his head in his hands.

I could feel it.

He's so angry.

And he's like, he's like, I'm really sorry, man.

I'm sitting there like an hour now i gotta make a train though i'm like i gotta get on a train and like he's just like uh

so he's the last time and then the person just he like picks up you can see him pick up real angry and he's like all right and and and the person we're gonna put you on hold he's like no and then they do it again and he gets disconnected and he's just like had in his hands he just looks at me he's like he's like uh and he just starts writing on this piece of like paper.

I'm like, what are you doing?

He's like, this is my name.

He goes, if you ever come back here, we'll try to make this happen.

I'm very sorry.

And he just hands me his name written on a piece of paper.

Like, if I come back to that, like, oh, I'm sorry.

And it was just like, and it was just such a sad shit.

Because listen, I was a broke-down salesperson, but at least like in real estate, you think, like, if I sell something, I'm going to turn it around.

This guy's literally, because sales is all equally hard.

Like, I can walk out of that cell phone store just like you could walk out of a $600,000 house.

The thing is, if you buy that house, I make $30,000.

If I buy that, that guy gets pizza for two days.

You

That's how I used to be a cell phone guy.

Oh, my God.

This is a terrible fucking job.

It's a rough one, man.

Yeah.

And you like helping people.

Like, I like buying a phone, and I buy the fucking shitty, expensive charger because I'm like, fuck it.

Why not?

Right, right.

But then if you can't even sell it to me, it's like, oh, God.

Yeah.

It's brutal.

It's rough.

What a fucking horrible existence that guy lives.

It's tough.

God, even like my roommates have to go to the bathroom.

But what's worse is to be a retail manager.

Yeah.

Because the retail managers delude themselves into thinking they're those guys while they make $23,000 a year.

Right, right.

You know, and it's like that's a much where there's no bonus.

Yeah, you make more than that, right?

No.

You'd be like the fucking manager to like a shoe store or some shit.

Yeah, probably like $25,000 a year.

Really?

Yeah, nothing.

You don't even make $35K a year?

Nope.

Well, you make $35K selling Oxies in the parking lot.

You ain't living off shoe store.

If you're managing like a Suncoast video, you're probably getting like $25,000.

Dude,

my mother, when I was an actor as a little kid, one of the guys, guys, clearly a pedophile director of these shows I was in, this guy named Scott, who came up to me once.

He's like, Scott St.

Scott.

Scott's, he came up to me once.

I was like, 10.

He's like,

there's some good cook on the hand.

He was the manager of a Suncoast video.

So every, I always thought like the manager of every Suncoast was just a pedophile.

No, I'm like, every time I was in the mall, I would walk by Suncoast and be like, and that's where the pedophiles were.

So

it's a very pedophilic store.

Yes.

It's like, yeah, we're going to go black leather and

then there's like a poster of child rape den look.

Yes, yes.

It's a poster of like fucking some 10-year-old kid from some pirate movie with a shirt off.

And then just a fat, greasy manager who's like, do you want any help?

Let's talk about that.

That's rough.

Imagine working in a movie.

Your people, just the idea of like working in a store in a mall is a rough thing.

Yeah.

That's a rough one.

I mean, it's rough, dude.

That's every day.

It's funny if it's like something you do for six six months or something.

Like, I kind of want to get a stupid job as a bit, but then I'm like, damn, that's someone's life.

No, you can't do that.

Dude, I wanted to go to the Florida Project Hotel and just do like an Instagram video.

My friend's like, what?

My friend calls me and goes, because I was like down here in Orlando.

He's like, people live, like, that's a real thing.

And I'm like, oh, you're right.

Then I realized, I'm like, what a piece of shit like I would be to go to that and be like, hey, look at me.

I'm ironically doing this.

I'm not sure.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, you're so right.

I don't even know why I thought that would have been okay.

Yeah.

Because our lives are so taken away from reality.

Which is also always trying to be a fucking goofball.

We're trying to be funny all the time.

You realize that, like, oh, this is inhumane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my bad.

I'm doing an Instagram live video where I urinate on a homeless person.

And I go, drink the soda.

Drink the soda.

So they don't want but hell.

What's the problem with nail?

Sorry, I'm a comedian.

Somebody pithing on me.

It's not that I don't have any empathy and I'll do anything for a joke.

After that next town meeting, they're like, he's a YouTube star now?

You're fucking kidding me.

Are you serious?

He has a Patreon.

Pierre St.

Pierre has a Patreon.

That's a good thoda.

Pierre liked that thorough.

Support Pierre.

Pierre St.

Pierre.

$5 a month.

Pussy eating.

$5 a month.

I'll send you a bottle of my pussy.

Patriots say the pussy eating.

Pierre St.

Pierre.

I'll get older, pussy, dripping out of my tongue, and I'll bottle it.

This is a a show.

The only angel with red wings.

Can we write Pierce?

That would be a great animated series.

Pierre Saint-Pierre, the pussy-eating saints.

Just a group of Cunnalingus Parish.

Yeah.

They don't know what to do with them.

They keep trying to throw them out.

We needed somebody to suck the swamp water out of every woman's cunt.

This man, the only man brave enough to suck that

BP-tainted swamp water out of every coont in New York.

New Orleans.

Ain't no problem with little crude oil in a paint of pussy.

That's actually my favorite type of lube.

My favorite thing to do is scrub the clit off of a little toothbrush.

You know, like it's a baby seagull.

You gotta suck all that swamp water out there and then brush down that clit like a hurt seagull.

Oh, I love the pussy.

I love to clean up and help the puth.

Yeah, so

they caught the Austin.

Oh, yes.

Well, didn't he kill himself?

He blew himself up.

Young white dude.

Way to be consistent.

Yeah, I've read coverage of it and it was like, they haven't released any more information other than his age and that he was white.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, he had like a dumb haircut.

Well, it's like, of course, we knew he was white.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

He's a neo-Nazi white supremacist guy, right?

I mean, you're blowing up black people.

He's blowing up prominent black families.

And that is terrorism.

He's trying to affect, like, can't call a street shooter terrorist because they're not trying to affect political change.

But, like, a guy like this, terrorist.

Yeah.

Call him a terrorist.

And the New York Times, like, don't write a fucking article about, like, well, the plant closed down and many young men were disaffected.

It's like, don't do that shit.

The New York Times, did they do that?

They've done that with a few white supremacists.

They've done it with this guy.

They keep going up.

They've done it.

They keep doing this where it's.

It's like pieces about white supremacy.

Yeah, they keep doing it where it's kind of annoying.

And I'm not even one of these dudes who's like, I'm not always on war footing, but it's like, stop writing about like, well, the GM plant went under.

And what was this guy going to do except get into Nazism?

It was the logical course, you know.

You know, jobs fleed from to the city.

And, you know, there was anxiety.

So, you know, Mein Kampf would be the next logical step.

Absolutely.

He was balding anyway.

He decided,

got to go bald completely.

Right, right.

What matches with this?

Yeah.

There was a sale on Doc Martins that same day.

Right.

Too many fucking

factors came together.

There was another fire bombing, though.

Yeah, wait a minute.

After this guy died?

I think so.

He's a copycat bomber?

Yeah, so someone else is doing it, too.

Damn, that sucks, dude.

Yeah.

What if he was a fucking plant, dude?

Stay woke on that shit.

Oh, I don't know.

You know, they blew him up.

He's a martyr.

You know?

I wish I knew how to make bombs.

Alex Jones would be on tonight, be like, this is clearly a pattern.

This guy has nothing to do with this.

This is an actor.

It's the globalists.

This is an actor.

This dates aversion.

God forbid an actual actor ever commits a.

Oh, God, forget it.

Alex Jones and Matt LeBlanc loses.

Shoots up a school.

You can see him in the background of this scene in front of him.

You see what this is?

Yo, you know, Matt LeBlanc's got his own fucking sitcom again?

Does he?

He's on CBS, just gray-haired with some ugly lady.

According to that, that's got to be.

You got to be going into work every day, just going, well, you know, this is found.

I'll take the check, but you know what I mean?

That's found.

When you go to LA and you have meetings on those, like the big studios, you see all these people doing these shitty shows and nobody watches, they're all walking around in the death knell.

Like, they all know no one's watching.

I mean, shout out to LeBlanc for getting another check.

Did you know what I mean?

It's funny how money entertainment industry can be sort of a trap because they pay you so much money to not realize that you're wasting your life.

Right.

Because it's so close to

doing the thing you want to do,

which is to have some sort of like creative recognition from your peers, you know, or to like make something that's actually good.

That you think is good.

But you can make something that exists in the same building as something that's good.

But you get paid $11,000 a week to produce.

And it's like, you know,

who's going to the bathroom?

A reality show.

We put cameras in people's bathrooms after they get an appointment with Beat Squad.

Yeah, no, it's like, it's like sort of a crossroad between drama and reality.

It's potentially.

It's always funny when the people you meet with a production company, they tell you the other things they produce, and they're embarrassed.

They're like, well, I was at a meeting, and a guy goes like this.

He's like this.

He's looking down.

He goes,

he goes, we do,

you know, we do a lot of things.

You know, Cedric's barbershop battle.

A lot of things.

We do a lot of things.

I'm like, wait, hold on.

What?

He's like,

Cedric's a barbarous.

You know, you got barbers, Cedric.

It's funny.

It's a battle.

What?

Are the barbers battling?

Who does the best?

I don't know anything about him.

I imagine that that is.

Yeah, no, we do a show called Steve Harvey's Giant Suit Off.

Two middle-aged black guys come in and they see who has the dumber suit.

Yeah.

We're real proud of what we've been up to.

We're real proud of our current line of shows.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, that's going to do it for today.

I feel like we're just getting rolling.

Yeah.

Well, thank you, Tim, for coming on.

Thank you for having me.

As always, you're two good people.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let's plug a show.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got to plug up tomorrow, Boston.

Second show added, right?

Second show added, and I forgot to promote it really too hard.

So I think we only sold like 60 tickets or so.

That's not bad for the second show, though.

What's the total capacity there?

I don't know because they told me it was 100.

Yeah.

And then we sold 180.

All right.

So we got to sell 180 tickets.

So if you guys want to come to that second show, that would be great.

Thanks.

And then also we have Funny Moms on the 26th.

That's this Monday coming up.

Tim will be on a future one.

He's not on that one.

He's on, I think, the, who knows, the 16th.

Anyway.

Let me know.

You already know.

Let Let me know when I'm talking about it.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm joking.

No, every time something comes up, I'm going to do it.

I'm very excited to do it.

And I believe that's it.

So please come to Funny Moms on the 26th, guys, and go see Nick in Boston.

That was a fucking great, great fucking show.

You guys are going to have a ton of fun.

So, and again, sorry I couldn't make it to Philly, guys.

I was really fucked up.

But I'm going to reschedule soon and I want to come out there.

You just go to TimDillonComedy.com.

Please come out to live dates.

Yeah, go see Tim.

He's so fucking funny.

Thanks.

Thanks, guys.

What if Juliet got a second chance at life after Romeo and Juliet, created by the Emmy-winning writer from Schitt's Creek and Pop Music's number one hitmaker, playing October 7th through 12th at the San Jose Center for the Performing Arts?