Ep. 89 – Tai Bo

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Okay, I figured it out.

I know why people were complaining they wanted a loud type of episode.

Oh,

hell yeah.

And I gave them something smooth and velvety.

I thought, you know what?

We're going to go subtle.

Like my dick.

And everybody

filled their pants about the episode not being too loud, which is usually a problem.

Yes.

I've always felt that the show is way too fucking loud.

And I wanted a nice something smooth.

Yeah.

Dulcid.

Like a

AR-15

AS with ASMR.

Oh, ASMR.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we've been talking about that.

Yeah, that's my man, ASMR.

That boy, quiet as hell.

Y'all know ASMR?

Yo, my head be tingling when ASMR be talking.

Yeah, that girl, y'all ever listen to ASMR?

No, who's she?

Man, who's ASMR?

Samar?

Man, shoot, I didn't pay attention for a damn week.

I don't even know who this damn Aya girl is.

Yeah, you know Aya Samar.

A.S.

Samar.

Yeah.

Yeah, she used to be in

Three Cousins.

The female group, Three Cousins.

And it was three women that were unrelated, but their last name was Cousins.

Uh-oh.

I thought her last name was Samore.

It is.

Oh, okay.

Her name is A.S.

Samore.

A.

Ya Samore Cousins.

ASS Samar.

What's that?

ASS.

Yeah.

That's not bad.

Like ass.

When you fuck somebody in the ass and.

Mr.

Ass.

Mr.

Ass.

ASMR is supposed to make your head tingle, right?

That's what people say.

Spine, I think, too.

Ooh, your spine.

I get it when I get shampooed at the

really?

Well, that's just a great feeling.

It feels incredible.

I know, because I get shampooed all the time.

Yeah.

um

i don't get

i i don't i i insist that they don't touch my head when i go to the barbershop interesting just scissors just the metal no yeah no hand-to-hand yeah you fucking the scissors have contact the scissors have handles on them first of all stop interrupting me

second of all i will describe the process that takes place at the barber shop continue number one first of all Barbershop quartet is mandatory in the barbershop.

Absolutely.

I don't know why the fuck you think you can get away with having a haircutting business if there aren't men singing.

I want some harmonizing males.

Absolutely.

One better have a deep-ass voice.

One better sound very loud.

Back when we knew what to do with gay men.

Exactly.

You got a job pouring soda pop

down at the pop stand, and you sang songs and you fucking hung out with my bored-ass wife while

I'm at the missile-making factory.

Getting my hair cut by a guy that,

a fellow G.I.

We're both in middle management, making the modern-day equivalent of $82 million a year, a modest Christian living.

1950s America.

That's right.

So cryptocurrencies and the regular stock market are crashing.

Yep.

That's right.

I want to talk about old gay guys.

I hope Adam did actually

quote unquote buy the dip like he thought he was doing.

Oh, I'm buying the dip on the market and on the crypto.

I bought dip.

I bought stock in dip.

Skull.

Skull.

Yeah.

That's right.

I did come in by the coping hat.

he's asleep.

That's crazy.

That's what I call investing.

That's what I call buying the dip.

I was wearing a vest when I did it, my tactical weight vest.

Because by yourself, you can get pretty deep, but when you have the vest really weighing you down, you dip your dick as far and dubbed.

You get your dick all the way in there, baby.

You feel stomach.

That weighted vest pushes my pelvic bone all the way down your fucking throat.

That's right.

He can feel a little stomach acid on the tip of his cup.

You're fantasizing about wearing no, this is something that actually

investing, you fucking idiot.

You moron.

I've never

been capable of fantasizing.

You're having an erotic.

Anyone that sits around reading books like your secret.

I don't read it.

You do magical thinking at home.

Not me, though.

I accomplish.

I don't ever visualize.

When Nick dreams.

It's static from an old TV.

You know, just.

Yeah, it's the national anthem and then static.

I remember in school.

They played this video that explained to us what like dyslexia was or something.

And it was like, it's like a TV, but all the wires are crossed.

I'm like, so that's what it's like in a retarded kid's brain?

No, please don't use this to bully the retarded kids.

Yeah, that's what they told you.

You weren't the only one getting that speech alone in a fucking room.

Yeah,

I love bullying Disabled.

Disabled.

I was just saying earlier today, you know, I remember 10 years ago I thought intellectually disabled wouldn't catch on, but now it's kind of, it's, it works.

You know, it works better than mentally retarded.

Yeah.

You were saying that you didn't think people would start using that term?

Intellectually disabled?

Yeah.

I mean, it sounds like

it was that just a diss you made up that caught on as the PC term.

No.

No, that's not.

That's not a good diss.

It's too serious.

Mentally retarded is a much better diss.

Intellectually disabled diss of all time.

Intellectually disabled just sounds like you're stupid, which

I guess sort of is what we're talking about here.

Yeah, maybe you are.

Yeah, no, I just didn't think that the people would actually say intellectually disabled.

That's going to start being well, it would sound like after time it would sound like it was bad, you know, like special became.

It will, though, eventually.

No, it hasn't.

I don't think it will.

No, it's going to suck.

They're going to do something else.

Maybe we've finally found the word.

Because it's not fun.

Well, wait, isn't disabled bad?

Oh, no, handicapped is bad.

I was watching videos of this Down syndrome guy that enters powerlifting competitions.

Oh, yeah, and he wins all of them.

Like places.

You know, he gets in like third or whatever.

Isn't that fair?

That's kind of like taking steroids.

I mean, imagine how much that.

No, they're not actually stronger.

Down syndrome people have like horrific core strength.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I think their limbs work the same, but yeah, they don't have very good core strength.

Why is that?

I don't know.

It's part of the disease.

Whoa,

really?

What if they did some Billy Blanks Tybo?

Maybe their dad was shooting Billy Blanks.

That's what happened.

Tybo is

in you, man.

I'm spotting you.

You're pushing me up the mountain.

Tybo, come on, baby.

We got it.

Ty, are we doing Asian?

Tybo is when the Down syndrome guy misspells something on the the computer.

There it is.

We always believed in you, Nick.

You always had it in you, man.

Well done.

I did a time.

I did it, Tai Bow.

That's really good.

Listen, man, when you look down, there were two sets of footprints.

Yeah, because I was lifting your feet while I was fucking you in the ass on the beach.

Or one set of footprints.

You get it, man.

I get it.

Yeah, that makes sense to me.

So he did good in the weightlifting competition?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, he comes in in like

third or whatever.

He places every time.

Which, can you imagine you're like a you take powerlifting pretty seriously?

You show up and you're like, you got your dumb little rubber suit on.

Hello, Bill.

You're fucking smelling salts, and you know, you're listening to a Trey U.

And you're fucking your SRT raptor out in the parking lot, and you're like,

I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to prove that

that black guy that's fucking my wife now isn't better than me.

I'm going to do it once and for all.

And then you get in there, and then it's like, oh, it looks like Down Syndrome Mikey is making an appearance today.

And you're like, God damn it.

Every time that Down Syndrome man

takes the only thing I have away from me

is squatting weights, that mentally retarded character.

That ID.

Yeah, what about my Dick Dastardly is that Down syndrome guy?

Dick Downstreet.

Dick Downstardly?

Who's Dick Dastardly?

I don't know.

Dick Dastardly is that cartoon character that ties up women and puts them on the train track.

Oh, yeah, the curly mustache.

If you use that as a verb, that's me when I have sex.

I dick dastardly.

Dick Downwardly.

Yeah.

Downward Dick.

Downward dick.

That's my favorite

yoga position.

Oh, yeah.

It's just my cock is down.

is hard but down.

I push it down.

That sex position where it's just like the pogo stick type of thing,

it's very funny.

Like, I can't take myself seriously.

So you mean you're laying completely horizontal and your dick is just straight vertical?

No, you're like, you're like up and then.

Oh, they're bouncing on your cock like a pogo stick.

No, no, they're like kind of on the mattress and then you're sort of

doing that.

Pogo stick.

Well, yeah, why would you just do that?

I was watching porn the other day.

You're doing

cowboy.

Not cowgirl, cowboy.

It's like, yeah, it's like the girl's ass is in the air.

She's grabbing your hips and moving you in.

The girl's ass is in the air, and then your penis is facing downward.

We need to do a check-in on Adam's weight.

What are you weighing these days?

I think I'm weighing.

109.

No, I think I'm weighing more than we're doing.

97 pounds.

No, no.

I think I'm weighing the most I've ever weighed.

Which is?

Probably like 148.

Oh, damn, dude.

Yeah, which is around the same as the fat one.

I'm 157 now.

I mean, seven pounds from that box of teddy grams.

Yeah, well, there you go.

Yeah, I got pretty fucking lean last week, though.

Hey, man.

I'm going to get back.

It's all about looking at your abs for yourself.

Yeah.

And not quite beating off, but wishing you were a roused person.

Oh, I beat off looking at my abs in the mirror.

You beat off in the mirror?

Only when I have abs.

Yeah, absolutely.

Same.

I mean, why not?

You know, I'm a businessman now.

And that's what businessmen do.

They all look at their abs and beat off in the mirror.

And then they get other businessmen with abs to come over.

I think that's what Occupy is about, is to get them to stop doing that.

We've got to make these guys stop doing that thing where they jack off to themselves.

Destroying the business.

A guy who only

thinks businessmen are just from

American Psycho or whatever.

Not American Psycho.

Is that the one?

That part is.

How about American Taibo, and it's about a retarded guy.

It's about one Taibo that changed course history.

Don't just stare at it, eat it.

He's like two prostitutes, and one of them's got a bunch of Swedish fish.

Don't just stare at it, eat it.

Instead of business cards, it's his Pokemon cards.

Yeah.

You know, he's got a really good Pokemon deck.

If you excuse me, I have to go return some videotapes.

He's just, he's got that guy sitting on his couch while he's describing why Raffy's great.

Well, when Raffy first released this album, it was kind of

down tempo, and many people didn't understand it.

But if you really listen to Raffy's works, it's not about the wheels on the bus so much as it is about the bus itself.

American Taebo.

Based on the coloring book by Brady Sinellis.

Based on the Chuck Pollinik coloring book, American Tieball.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Sign me up for that shit.

Ah, damn, boys.

So, you know, we talked about Dow Jones.

What are your financial hot takes, Nick?

How about Downs Jones?

There we go.

It's like a cool black guy with Downs.

Yep, yep, yep.

How y'all doing?

What y'all talking about?

Finance?

Oh, there you go.

It's Downs Jones.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

Downs Jones down six points in Mario Party today.

His favorite game.

Ain't nothing, baby.

We're coming back, baby.

You know it.

Ain't anything, Slick.

So he's also a 70s black retard or Down syndrome guy.

He's like older.

Cool.

Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Got a nice voice.

What's going on, Jack?

Oh, I like that girl.

She's foxy.

She's so foxy to me.

It would be funny to teach a bunch of intellectually disabled people old slang.

Yeah, that would be funny.

You know,

and then they're just talking amongst them, and everyone's confused.

It's like, is that part of the disease?

Are they behind like 30 years on slang?

You could probably convince someone of that.

I'm sure that's what people would think, that it's part of the disease.

Or part of the thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I hear that.

That makes sense to me.

You know what I'm saying, man?

Uh-huh.

That would be pretty.

It kind of sets them back.

When I started smoking weed again, I got high the other night.

I watched another Steve Harvey special.

Very nice.

Which I've done before.

I used to do that.

That was my old move when I would get highs: watch Steve Harvey specials.

Are they on Netflix?

I don't know.

They're on YouTube.

Okay.

But,

yeah, no, I was watching one that was shot in 2001, and he's dressed in a yellow Zoot suit.

So it's like six years after the mask came out.

Absolutely.

So there's no way that

nobody stopped him and was like, Steve, you look like the mask.

Well, he said somebody stopped Steve.

Somebody stop Steve.

somebody stop Steve he's like p-a-r-t-y

well you shouldn't be somebody needs to lock these kids up now he has this fucking hilarious bit on on that special where he's like he's like uh men ain't shit and women need a man this here's what you got to do is you got to assemble a man he's like you're going to get four different type men he's like the first type of man you're going to get is a gay man

and he's like because he wants to listen to all your stories yeah he'll listen to all your stories.

And he goes, because he'll sit there and listen to you all day because he's just trying to, you know, pick up a couple of traits so he can go downtown and get a man of his own.

Incredible.

Gay men need to hang out with women to copy

to go downtown.

Fuck yeah, that rules.

Yeah.

That's a great understanding of gay men.

Who are the other three guys?

It's an old man.

An old man.

I forget what the third one was, and and then the last one is uh a mandingo type yes to fuck you to blow your back out and right yeah exactly

interesting you know so he's like you get the maningo comes and fucks you the other guy the other guy takes care of your kids he's like oh you get a nice guy you get a nice guy to take care of your kids you get the fucking old guy to pay for you know the night out the maningo fucks you and then the punchline the big punchline at the end is and then you call up that sissy and tell them all about it oh no

which honestly, structurally, great joke.

It is, yeah.

The whole fucking thing is like perfectly done.

It's like it harkens back to a time where stand-up actually took effort, and it's not like hearing sissy, though, is like, that's when they like

catches me off guard.

Yeah, because it's, it's, that's 1950s.

It's like

you call up that Nancy boy.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

That's you, Adam.

He's talking about you and Nancy.

Yeah, you're the sissy boy.

I don't like listening to anyone's, anything.

That's true.

Let alone problems.

You don't even listen listen to other sentences coming out of the mouths of people.

I'm doing a podcast with.

I listen, guys.

I've listened attentively because I've been playing with this bottle opener in mind.

It's something to fidget with.

It's helped me folks.

Man,

I stopped by the Victor Enoch's flagship store.

Yeah, we went there before.

The what?

Yeah.

With Zoho.

The Swiss Army knife stores.

I was with an associate of mine who was in the market for a knife.

So we went to the Victoria.

No.

We went to the Victor Enoch store to purchase a knife.

And I said, these are got a lifetime warranty on them, right?

And they were like, yes, we don't actually service them here, but we can send it off for you.

To Switzerland?

And yeah, they mailed my fucking knife off.

To the fucking Alps, baby.

To have it remachined.

Beautiful.

Which is like, I didn't think I'd be one of those guys that would go get his knives remached.

But here I am.

But now

I keep panicking and thinking I've lost my keys because I don't have the weight of that knife in my pocket.

Oh, so you keep the knife on deck.

He's always got it.

I always carry a blade on me.

Tybo is a.

No,

I was doing Will Keith.

Okay.

You know that big fat guy that has the sword videos?

Oh, yeah.

He calls the swords and says he's blades.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy rules.

Well, the most important part of the blade is when you open a new blade.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, that rocks.

Wait,

who needed a knife?

An associate of mine.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

What are you doing with the associates?

I got a lot of people that I talk to, spend time with, do favors for me.

That's not true, dude.

You got me in stock.

No, I got hookups.

Yeah.

I got all kinds of deals.

Oh, yeah,

you got a guy at the Apple store, right?

No, he quit the Apple Store.

Where is he working now?

He sells.

He hits the one guy.

He actually sent me his resume to be a producer on the show.

So obviously he's not doing too well.

Like I said, he's got to either be a gay guy, which we have, or someone with big tits.

What's that?

The two kinds of producers.

Gay guy, you make fun of a girl.

Yeah, you seem like a nice guy.

We'll see how much people hate that.

I think I got it figured out this time.

Okay, nice.

I listened back to it.

It sounds fine.

We all listen to it.

It sounds fine.

We all listen to it.

Well, it sounds fine.

And maybe a little bit quieter quieter than the other ones, but everything.

A little quieter than the one last week.

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

Perfect.

I want to go a little bit quieter.

Yes, yes.

You know, I think that might help.

A little bit softer now.

Smooth, like we mentioned in the beginning.

Smooth absolute

dulcet.

What does dulcet mean?

I've heard that.

Brain.

It's just a dulcet tones.

Yeah, it's just a word people use that no one knows to mean.

But does it mean like quiet?

I think it means quiet or smooth squeezing or something.

I know it's good.

Yeah, like a lullaby is dulcet, maybe.

I mean, I'm not going to look that shit up.

Yeah, I don't, I don't mean neither.

Fuck it.

Fuck it, baby.

But I do want to know, actually, now that I say it.

I'm horny.

You want Adam, just like you all?

Yeah.

Adam, get to work.

I'm horny.

Tybo.

Do they have...

They have gay people in their community?

Yes, of course.

We've been over this.

You're one of them.

You're gay and retarded.

That's fine.

I had a friend who used to teach at a school for the

intellectually disabled.

I rewatched that video that Pia Glenn made of

Pia Glenn's Black Weekend update where she goes in on me.

Oh, I don't remember that.

No.

Oh, yeah.

She's like, there's a writer on Thought Catalog named Nicole Mullen, which is really Nick Mullin.

Awesome.

Posts this goofy-ass picture.

I mean, it's a really funny segment.

Oh, really?

She gets you good.

She doesn't, really.

It's not, it's not.

I mean, it's like, it's like, this is just a fucking white man doing like bass-level comedy.

It's like, yep.

You got us, baby.

She's like, it's not, and it's not funny.

It's like, makes me laugh.

I don't know.

I don't know what to say.

Pia.

Yeah, Pia.

Pia in my mouth.

Pia Glenn.

She's Salman Rushdie's ex-girlfriend.

Oh, nice.

Oh, nice.

Salman gets lays the pipe, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's funny as hell.

He's Salman Rushdie.

That might be my sex idol.

Because if Salman,

I want to be the number one fat, bald guy.

Yeah, just the ugly as shit bald guy.

It's like, yeah, girl, you know.

Man, these Muslims is trying to kill my ass.

And I'm like, he's so dangerous.

Oh, my God.

Oh, do I need to get a fatwa?

Oh my God.

I need a fatwa.

I need a fatwa.

He's so dangerous.

Muslims want to kill him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

you know, I drew Muhammad.

I'm about to draw Muhammad.

I was just going to say that.

I'm about to draw Muhammad right now.

If they'll get me pussy, I'm going to get an Etcha sketch.

But you need to get the whole country of Iran to want to kill you.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You got to write some satanic verses, baby.

Will I get to fuck a Hadirani guy?

The Satanic hook.

The Satanic Chorus.

I would love to.

Yeah.

That sounds great.

Is that what he did?

He did some satanic shit?

He wrote a book called The Satanic.

The Satanic Verses.

Oh, nice.

And it's about the devil?

Yeah.

No, it's about how Muslims.

Muslims are the devil.

Oh, damn.

Something like that.

Okay.

Yep.

Damn, I really like that.

How they use their hand to wipe their ass.

One hand and one to eat.

Which I think is a good system, actually.

Well, I mean, you know, I mean, is that as that's not as bad as the French who just don't wipe at all?

Yep.

Yep, that's right.

That's why you have hair on your ass because the hair wipes your ass.

Why would that

take the poop out?

It's to me it is better to leave it in because,

you know, it's a style.

It looks good when you have your ass cheeks completely covered in diarrhea.

I went to uh MetroGraph the other night.

To see what?

Lola.

What is that?

Like an old movie?

Yeah.

It sounds like a movie in the 50s about a slut.

It is.

Really?

It's not Lolita.

No, it's not Lolita.

I didn't your favorite movie.

I didn't say the name of the movie wrong.

Yeah.

You might have forgot that.

Lolita, the part that I see you watch every time I come.

You're always watching a couple specific scenes from that movie, Adam.

Every time I come into your home, it's kind of weird.

It's a scene with Dustin Hoffman's penis.

Yeah,

you're just slow motion.

Putting the part where you see his cock.

You've actually edited so that you don't see a woman anywhere.

Whatever, man.

You're watching that.

Maybe it's not Lolita, but.

And actually, sometimes it's just you just Google Dustin Hoffman's penis.

Yeah.

Sometimes.

That's what I drew it.

That's what I thought.

His penis isn't in that movie.

Yeah.

His penis isn't in that movie.

The point is,

you look at Dustin Hoffman's penis a lot when I come into your apartment.

Yeah.

He's a good actor.

Dust him Hoffman.

That's when

Adam fills his bug mouth with a bunch of dust.

Does the grapefruit trick.

Yeah, I got him pretty good, Dan.

Tybo.

Tybo.

He's popping up.

All right, tonight on Rose Battle, what everyone's been fucking waiting for, Louis J.

Gomez will battle a man with Down syndrome.

Who will win?

Honestly, we all pretty much know the answer immediately.

But who's going to win in the fucking boxing match/slash spelling bee afterwards?

We also know who will win now.

That'd be cool if Tybo is an insult comment.

I mean, how far away are we from that?

From having a battle,

it's awesome at gross battles.

Yeah.

Oh, he'd crush.

You dumb bitch.

He just calls himself the Puerto Rican rattlesnake because he lives under a rock with his cowilla and he makes a bunch of noise.

Thank you.

Last joke.

Damn.

What else, boys?

What else is going on in damn current events?

You know, the Super Bowl?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hell of a Philadelphia.

Did you watch it?

I watched, yeah, actually, I I was shooting Pool, but it was on.

Oh, nice.

It was an entertaining game.

It was a good entry.

It was really good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was at Amsterdam.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I watched it.

Yeah, I loved it.

Yeah.

They ate dogs.

They ate horseshit.

Philly.

Philly fans ate horseshit to celebrate, I guess.

Yeah, that rules.

What?

I don't know.

There's a video of like on Rod Street.

There's horseshit.

They were like flipping over cars, and there was pandemonium, and then some dude in a Donovan McNabb jersey, they were like, do it, do it.

His face is just in the horseshit, that he just

eats it very delicately, and then everyone's joined.

I mean, that's better than people were expecting hate crimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So if all we got was somebody eating horse shit, that's a, that's great.

No, the racist team lost, you know?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

I mean, that was the narrative everyone put in.

Yeah, no, fuck, fuck that.

And Tom Brady lost

and

it was a win for all POCs.

Well, they already said they're not going to the White House.

All of them?

All of them as a team are like fucked up.

I like that.

Because they got Chris Long.

Shouts out to Chris Long.

He fought.

As his name for retarded people is people of colored pencils.

People of coloring books.

Well, he's a person of coloring books.

That's where we go after intellectually disabled POCBs.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah, that was really cool.

And

the one come town-related aspect of the game that was really just the background was, of course, the fact that Tom Brady was outed as a sun kisser on the lip surface.

He's gay with his.

So I was kind of torn because on one hand, I don't want New England to win.

Right, but on the other hand, we got to support

someone being gay with their dad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, and he's been gay with his dad.

He's kissed his dad on the list.

And Belichick kissed his daughter on the list.

That doesn't count.

That's not being gay with your dad.

Well, that was just hot.

That was just some sexy shit.

That was too normative for us.

Oh, yeah.

Also, I watched Two Bills.

It's a documentary about Bill Belichick when he was younger.

And Bill Parcels.

Bill Parcells.

Yeah, the 30 for 30.

Bill Parcells has just an awesome, like, he's so fat in like a fucking like lunch lady way yep uh

and and uh bill or bill parcels and bill belich just has no personality he looks awesome though he's wearing like short shorts in the 70s it kind of rules yeah it's nice to see you know fat old guys how they used to be sexy um heads up motherfuckers i just uh

I just said okay to this guy to print this order off.

So I got t-shirts coming, at least one design.

So I guess I'll be up front.

I bought a domain name and the plan is to just put a storefront on there because I don't think there's no reason to have a fucking website.

There's been some sort of dispute going on between the Reddit people about a Discord server, which I don't know.

What's that mean?

I don't know what it is.

It's like a way for people who

like the show to chat with each other.

So

somebody told me to set one up through Patreon because Patreon has some kind of integration, but I guess what that would mean is that people would have to pay money to just talk to the show.

Yeah, talk to other people who like the show.

Yeah, what if they don't subscribe to the channel?

Yeah, yeah, so that's a waste.

So, just for the URL, what it's going to be is like

if you subscribe to the Patreon, you'll be able to log in and you get like free shipping and like $5 off like merch orders.

Cool, that's cool.

Yeah,

very generous.

And then at some point, no, it's just business, you fucking idiot.

I think it's very generous.

I would make back the calling you a good guy.

I would make back the fucking percentage point as soon as the second month rolls out.

It's not personal, it's business, man.

Sorry, Nick.

I think you're a good guy, and you can't change my mind about that.

Okay?

shut up adam's home address is

to be disclosed to subscribe to the patreon if you're a not a subscriber you get adam's home address

premium subscribers figure out where i lay my head every night yeah i'm excited about this boys voucher me tell everyone how nice it's a good ass shirt the shirt looks really good we're very proud yeah it's just one right now but i'm so what i'm gonna do is and i'll say this if you hit me up on instagram for now once i get the shirts in until I can set up the storefront, because it's going to cost, I guess, a decent amount of money to just have that storefront set up from the guy I talked to.

If you want a shirt, I'll put the design on Instagram and then we'll just do PayPal for now.

But if you are a premium subscriber, hold off until I can set up the storefront so you can get the discount.

Okay.

Yeah.

That sounds fair.

That's fine.

And also, while we're doing this right now, we have a show at Caroline's on the 15th, which I'm not sure how well we've gotten the word out about it.

Oh, yeah, we really need to promote that because we've only sold like four tickets.

Have we?

I think so.

I don't know.

I haven't checked.

Yeah.

So next week on Thursday, we're doing a live come town at Carolines on Broadway, and we're going to be doing the full hour 15 or whatever, just the three of us on stage.

So it won't be like Funny Moms, where it's us fucking around at the beginning for 20 minutes and then stand up.

It's just going to be us doing a live podcast.

Based on the one in D.C., it went really well.

Yeah, please come out.

Please come out.

And if you haven't been to Carolina's before, it's pretty cool to see a show there.

Yeah, I'm going to email them now and figure out where our ticket sales are at.

We're going to take a quick break, and we'll be back in a second.

To have sex.

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Let's roll, baby.

Let's roll right into the episode.

And not to toot our own horns, and we won't mention the company unless you motherfucking pay us, but our Super Bowl picks were correct.

Yes.

I hope you made some money on the Eagles.

I also made that pick to people in DMs.

Oh, really?

People come to me with gambling questions because

of my crypto calls.

Really?

Yeah.

And then, yeah, we were right about the amount of Trump tweets.

We were right about the concussion.

All the prop eds we got.

We were right.

Make sure you actually actually talk into the microphone.

I'm talking into the microphone.

No, you were looking at Stob and holding the microphone to your cheek.

But my mouth was speaking into the microphone.

I got something about to hold up to your cheek, Adam.

Do you want to know what it is?

I'm not going to tell you.

But it's my penis.

You just told him.

You told him.

Ah, but no, it's a misdirected text in my balls.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, so Frasier's dad died, guys.

Oh, shit.

You got me, dude.

That's right.

John Mahoney.

I didn't know he was British.

Did you know he was British?

Yeah, of course.

I didn't know that.

That's crazy.

And his sons weren't British.

Yeah, even

hence acting, you fucking idiot.

That's wild, though, bro.

He didn't seem British at all.

Because even McNulty,

McNulty, he seems British.

You know, I kind of know he's not from Baltimore.

Well, his accent on the wire is terrible.

Yeah, it's not very bad.

But even an episode where he has to do an episode.

Where he does the Baltimore accent.

He does, but it sounds

like he has to do a British accent on a sting.

He does that too.

I forgot what we're talking about.

We're talking about a different episode.

When he does the murder, when he's faking the murderer, he you calm down, Adam.

Yeah, sorry.

I know you thought you knew something, and you could have corrected someone.

I've seen

guys.

Actually, you've seen a show called The Liar, and it's the self-facing camera on your phone

when

you were looking at yourself and your phone while watching a different TV show.

And if anyone's interested in watching that show, it's going to be on Showtime.

When you walk through the garden, you will encounter a bug.

Yeah, he does a horrible, like Glenn Bernie-ish, over-the-top Baltimore accent.

He definitely worked with a dialect code.

And then he does, but he does do the British.

That's funny.

Man, my name is Dialect.

Yeah, I work in the major motion Bicycle industry.

Did you hear about this fucking FEMA contractor?

FEMA awarded

$150 million contract to some lady that's like divine inspirations LLC.

I'm sure she spent spent most of the money on scented candles and bath bombs.

Yeah, they ordered like 3.5 million meals.

Yeah, 30 million meals and she made...

30 million meals.

Yeah, 30 million meals and she delivered like 20,000.

50,000.

Yeah.

That's a disaster.

And like probably nothing's going to happen.

Like Puerto Rico's just going to keep getting fucked.

Yeah.

And she's just going to like not have to pay the money back or something.

I don't know.

It's still fucked there, I think.

Oh, yeah.

They're real fucked.

Well, the meal the the problem is that they're so fucking picky with the meals.

It's true.

They would only eat like Mofungu and

Macaulay chicken wings.

Macaw wings?

Deep-fried Macaulings?

Yeah.

Man, I need my fucking $20,000 dinner, man.

You gotta kill these delicious fruity birds.

The hurricane?

She make it so I cannot eat my pretty birds.

I want to eat the spicy pretty bars but i can't

well i had no idea that was the biggest problem

right now yeah i got my finger on the pulse i know what's going on down there in puerto chico where i had my summer vacation this year that's right last year i was you know i was wearing that pan in my hat while nude in my bedroom the other day of course and i thought what a nice little trip that was yeah to puerto rico smoking some cigars yeah you enjoy every time i've asked you how it was you said you just did not enjoy yourself yeah but it's now i've spent some time away.

You know what I mean?

Now you're like, oh, it was a great trip.

Yeah,

I like looking back on things when you can't remember the pain.

Yeah.

Being dark.

It is funny because it's like understanding your dark past.

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

The heart, the struggle I went through and being forced to go to Puerto Rico for

a birthday.

It is funny because if we think about when we met and became friends, it's like funny stories we've told.

Both of us were probably

one of the worst parts of our lives.

That's true.

We were so depressed.

You were like 650 pounds.

I was fat as shit.

I was ordering wine at sidebar to prevent myself from drinking.

The wine had dust in it.

Yeah, it was horrible.

They were like not even sure they had it.

Yeah.

They were like, oh, yeah, I mean, I guess if you want to drink this.

Right.

But now we look back fondly.

Yeah, life is good.

If you think my dick doesn't work now,

you should have seen when I was fat.

Even though it was worse then.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought it just got worse as you got.

Oh, really?

Your dick,

the fatter I get, the worse my dick is.

Are you sure that's how it works?

For sure.

For sure.

No, it's circulation.

Yeah, it's a circulation problem.

And then when I hit the stationary, that's why I'm going to get a stationary bike in my

bedroom.

That's why my new thing now is smirculation.

You know what I'm saying?

I like to smile at my dick until it gets hard.

I like to give my dick a little grimace.

Oh, a grimace.

Just get it back soft.

That's right.

Okay, yeah.

I'm going to get a little bike for my balls.

My balls are the feet.

And my dick is the head.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

I would like it if my dick and balls could walk like the keep-on-trucking guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, man.

That'd be a cool look.

That would be an awesome look.

Just put your balls on a table and just fucking start wandering.

That would be fucking cool.

I also watched a bunch of movies this weekend.

I watched the Sopranos episode last night where Tony takes Meadow to college.

That's the best episode.

I don't know if it's the best, but it's a great episode.

That's considered the best episode by a lot of people.

Adam is opinion source.com.

He pays $15 a month to get opinions told to him by other people.

Wait, is that the one where he stays at the hotel and has like dreams and shit?

What happens in that one?

He sees the guy.

Those episodes are great, though.

He sees a snitch.

He sees

a guy and then he kills him.

That is a really fucking drink.

Meadow asks him if he's in the mob.

Yeah.

But Meadow knows what's up.

No, but she likes to go.

Meadows known what's up.

I know you're in the mob.

And he's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

And he's like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

whatever.

I love that speech Meadow gives

when it's somebody's funeral.

How about Meadow Socrano, right?

Like

S-O-C-R-A-Y-O-N-O.

Okay.

And she has down sentence.

What about Meadow Socrano?

How about

Tony's Socrano?

Okay.

It's the same premise.

I haven't figured that out.

Christopher.

Christopher.

Christopher.

Tone.

I don't have any more jelly beans.

What the fuck is the matter with you, Tony?

Tom, stop eating off my twins.

Tom, I've been going to therapy.

Come, I've been going to speech pathology.

Tony's Socrano.

Tony, you want me to drive you to the bouncy house?

You want me to drive you to Discovery Zone, Tony?

The Chuck E.

Cheese.

I watched Heat, which I had never seen.

What?

How have you never seen Heat?

It rules.

You haven't seen anything.

It was crazy.

Last night I was like, I just typed in like best thrillers of all time.

And then I look at the list, and it's like, I've seen every single one of these movies.

What are some movies?

Well, like the Hitchcock movies?

Yeah, there's Hitchcock movies on there, but then there's like other shit.

It's just, you know, I mean, that's like.

Is heat considered a thriller?

No.

It's an action.

It's a caper.

Ooh, caper.

I like caper's.

Yeah.

Well, Caper Berry.

I love Caper.

God, I don't know what Caper Berry is, but I watch.

But yeah, it was

Charlize is in that, right?

She's so hot in that.

Charlize Theron?

No, she's not.

No, no.

Who plays the fucking wife, Val Kilmer's wife?

Ashley Judd.

Ashley Judd.

Ashley Judd.

She's a fucking.

Yo, Val Kilmer's looking good as hell.

In that movie?

I forget because he's fat as hell and looks terrible now.

Yeah.

But he, I think he's sick.

He's sick?

Oh, damn.

Sorry, man.

He's one of my faves.

Apparently, he's a real asshole.

Of course.

Is he?

Yeah.

He tweets some funny shit every once in a while.

But that's a good ass.

De Niro's.

And Pacino just goes between being awesome and then being hilarious.

They did a movie a couple years ago.

They were like...

We're back together again.

And then it was one of the worst movies.

Yeah, yeah, I remember that.

I believe I was working at Blockbuster at the time.

Yeah.

It was a wonderful movie.

And you're a Blockbuster guy, and you haven't seen any movies?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the best part about Blockbuster.

You can talk to the Blockbuster guy about movies if you'd seen fucking everything.

I watched a lot of.

I hadn't seen anything going in.

Yeah, you're like, yeah, see, my thing is more the candy.

Yeah,

no, I saw a bunch of Scorsese movies that I hadn't seen.

Like what?

King of Comedy.

King of Comedy.

Oh, my God.

I love that.

You watched Bringing Out the Dead?

Not this time.

Did you watch Bringing Out the Dead?

No.

You fucking impatient.

I watched History of Violence.

It just doesn't hold up.

It doesn't hold up.

I loved it when I was a teenager.

It wasn't as good as I remembered.

Yeah.

I watched History of Violence.

It is nice to get a glimpse of an old type of New York that doesn't really exist anymore.

Yeah, like the fucking...

Where was it?

Like Hell's Kitchen?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like Midtown Manhattan.

Yeah.

95.

Just

crackheads and trannies.

Even in 95, it was that bad?

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Up until like the late 90s, like early.

My aunts lived in Hell's Kitchen my whole life.

I remember like going to visit.

I was just there.

It's pretty cool now.

It's like, yeah, do you remember?

He's more like Prostitutes Water.

What's that?

Mark Anthony's character in that movie.

He was like the local drug addict.

Yeah, yeah.

Does it get impaled on the thing at the end?

I forget what happens to him, but he's just constantly covered in shit

the entire movie.

And then you watch it and you realize, oh my god, that's that's Mark Anthony.

But how about let's talk about history of violence because I saw that too.

That's good.

I got to say, Vigo, there's a scene in there where he really eats pussy big time.

Yeah.

And salute to any movie that shows that kind of gravity.

I love when

the gay son of the mob boss in Eastern Promises is like, you fucker.

You fucker funny.

He's like watching Vigo.

No Eastern Promises.

Spoilers, guys.

I haven't seen it yet.

Man, I could re-watch both of those movies.

Let's watch Eastern Promises sometime.

Yeah.

Bro, I got the projector going.

You did History of Violence?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

History of Violence and Eastern Promises.

It's kind of like a little,

they're like companion films almost, yeah, Cronenberg, Vigo, Double Feech, yeah, down and do it.

Vigo was good as hell on that shit, dude.

Yeah,

and then I watched John Wick also, the first and John Wick is like a hard dick-ass version of uh a history of violence if you think about it.

How about John Lick?

And it's this John, and he's got a big lollipop, and he's always looking on, and he's like, Well, you see my dog,

he's all

got Down syndrome.

No, it's just

Keanu, like in real life, he's a child.

Who stole my twice a goal?

He's like, fancies himself an intellectual?

No, he's a cool dude.

Oh, so the Adam Friedland disease.

No, no, no, because the joke about him was that he was retarded.

Yeah, he fancies himself an intellectual.

No, I think Keanu rocks.

Yeah, he does rock, but like the joke about him.

He's a nice guy.

His life is also tragic.

Everyone he's ever loved has been like fucking died.

He kind of is John Wick.

Same with Kelsey Grammar.

Yeah, but Kelsey Grammer seems like a dickhead.

Yeah, he's a horrible person.

Including Mahoney.

The Frasier curse.

The Frasier curse, dude.

That lady with big tits, that blonde lady, his wife.

Yeah.

His ex-wife.

They call that the Gone with the Wind curse.

Everyone who was in the movie Gone with the Wind is dead.

It's crazy.

How weird.

Holy shit.

She's fucking insane, dude.

Everyone in Third Man is now dead.

What the fuck?

Everyone in Birth of a Nation is now dead.

The first movie.

That wasn't the first movie.

Wasn't that like one of the first ones?

People say it's like one of the first

great movies.

Which is wild to put that on the...

I feel like you should get disqualified.

Because it's racist.

How about a movie called Burp of a Nation, right?

And it's a documentary about micro-breweries

for people who like bullshit like that.

But then it's also racist.

I mean, yeah.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

A lot of micro-brewery guys look like racists.

There's a sequel to Making a Murderer called Blaming a Black Guy.

Stephen Avery finally figures out the solution to his problem.

That would be good.

There's a painting in the Met someone saw me recently.

People want to take down because the artist, I guess from like the 1800s or whatever, is a pedophile.

Oh, come on.

The subject is a baby.

Well, then we can't even have geometry.

They were all back to measure little boys' constants.

To figure out how to fuck it.

Right.

There's a conversation of which little boy's asshole matches your penis.

Exactly.

That's why they learned not the Pythagorean theorem, the other.

That's why you got to respect the art.

What's the circle one?

Which one?

Is it Walt Whitman?

Yeah, that's another guy who fucked kids.

Yeah, you can't read any Walt Whitman.

No, it's not a Walt Whitman.

Leaves are his dick, and wind is a boy's ass.

If you go back and read all that.

No, Leaves of Grass was about Smoky Wind.

Did you see this thing about

Fleetwood Mac?

Some people were mad that Fleetwood Mac, apparently all the band members got paid the same, which is like initially people were like, oh, that's gender equality.

But then it was like, well, Stevie Nicks was the star of the band.

Yeah, so she should have gotten way more money.

Yeah, the bassist got as much as Stevie Nicks.

I'm wrong.

It was a painting of a young woman with her legs sort of exposed and her panties, like the crotch of her panties.

Everything is Balthus.

Every medieval.

Well, first of all, what does pedophile even mean back then?

Yeah, because you got to just fucking 11.

It means someone who fucks.

It was early 20th century.

It had the same meaning back then.

But you know what I mean?

Didn't everyone fuck kids?

Like, weren't you getting married at 11?

Anyway, the Met has refused.

It's about a show.

Instead of married with children, it's married to children.

You're really on today, man.

And then what happened?

Pow, Wis Have Sex.

It's a kid that's trying to get fucked, Dora.

It's the pedophile that molested Blank kick it hard.

I forgot about that.

Someone else.

Sex owl.

Oh, yeah.

That's a great story.

It's a great story about my friend being assaulted.

Yeah, it was really

married to children

about a lazy pedophile

who's grown complacent now that his wife is 14.

Yep.

Well, I wanted to talk more about that FEMA contractor.

This story is so funny.

Let's talk more about it, man.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I did mention it, and then we kind of moved on.

You can go back.

I just saw movies, and I wanted to talk about them.

I also saw Kill Bill again.

It's my favorite movie, I think.

Yeah.

I love Kill Bill.

Your favorite movie out of the world.

I think so, yeah.

Why not?

Although, now Tarantino's...

He said that...

What did he say?

Roman Polanski.

That girl wanted to...

He didn't rape her.

But he had sex with her.

That's tough.

I don't know.

I didn't read the thing, but that's just not a good.

Why even make a comment, even if you believe that?

I don't.

Yeah, I don't know.

You're coming through on his

own.

I think it changes whether, like, Kill Bill was good or not.

It doesn't make you feel a little weird.

No.

Listen to this.

Doug Schifter, a New York livery driver, said he killed himself to illuminate how ride-hailing services have devastated taxi workers financially.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, it's like that.

He killed himself.

Couldn't you have just written a blog?

Yeah, man.

What a drama queen.

I mean, it would like.

That sucks.

Yeah.

I don't like that guy killed himself.

I'll be honest, guys.

That's kind of fucked up.

Because a lift, lift, made him kill himself?

Yes.

Last Spring by Ravi Desai, a middle-aged woman without a driver's license and thus an unlikely leader.

What if the podcast is just me reading the New York Times?

Is that illegal?

No, I don't think so.

I feel like it would be illegal for me to just read it.

You have to change every fourth word.

Oh.

So try it.

It's a gray lady.

It's a paper of record.

Last ass spring by Ravi Desai, a middle-ass aged woman without a driver's ass license and thus an unlikely leader for thousands of mostly male-ass drivers in the world's largest ass market for hired ass vehicles.

Dog, a loophole, baby.

Let's make our own newspaper.

Dog.

That's New York Times.

Comes down Times, dude.

It was a New Jack Times.

New Jack Times.

Just put

the New York ass Times.

New York ass Times.

Who's ready for the World Ass News

delivered an emotional testimony in front of New York Ass City's Taxi and Limousine Commission about the mounting existential dissolve in her field?

The executive ass director of the New York Taxi Workers Workers Alliance missed decide been a labor activist.

We should do that for real.

What?

Kill ourselves in front of City Hall?

Yeah, that'd be cool.

I feel like that's the goal for any white man, is to kill yourself in front of City Hall.

They've taken everything from us.

Just say they've taken everything from us and let them figure out what you mean.

You know?

I love that Simpsons episode where Homer becomes a sanitation commissioner.

I don't remember that one.

That is a great episode.

What happens in that one?

How does he get it?

Well, he gets into a fight with the trash men initially because they put a bunch of like he didn't want to take the trash out and they take it out and then

like they don't they just pass by him and he yells at them and then they he gets into a fight with them.

Nice.

They won't pick up his trash anymore.

And then Marge forges his signature to write an apology letter to the sanitation.

Hell yeah.

And then he gets into it with the sanitation.

That might be a later episode too because I think Steve Martin guest stars

as the

sanitation's director.

As the real sanitation guy, but it has that musical number.

Can't somebody else do it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Isn't the mob?

Isn't the mobile phone?

No, Homer starts letting other cities dump their trash in the city, and then the entire city erupts in garbage.

Oh, I remember that, yeah.

And there's a wall of garbage.

No, it just boils up from under the and then they just move the town.

They move the entire town

like five miles down the road.

That's cool.

We should do that with a different planet, huh, boys?

Huh?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's what Elon Musk is trying to do.

Yeah.

That guy sucks, right?

He's selling flamethrowers now.

Although, that's cool.

I don't really have a problem with Elon Musk, with the people that idolize him are fucking weird.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're lame ass.

Didn't he like fire a secretary or something because she asked for a raise?

He's like a libertarian, sort of.

Yeah, I think he's against unions, maybe.

No, she asked for a raise, and then he was like, How about you just take a week off?

Let me see what you'd actually do.

and then like there was no change in his productivity he was like oh yeah you're i guess you shouldn't even have been working here damn whoa that's cold-blooded dude yeah obviously secretaries aren't supposed to do anything yeah you just look cute for the for the boss pick up the phone that's all

what an asshole you know you get pregnant you get an abortion like this like mad men that's what secretaries do yeah should we get one of those a madmen style secretary um

i'm trying to think of a show called Madmen, but it's got Don Diaper in it.

Down Draper?

Down Draper.

Down Draper.

Can I ask you something?

Why do you smoke?

No, hold on.

Can I ask you something?

Why do you eat butterfingers?

I don't know.

I guess that's what we ate during the war.

I just like it.

You just like it.

That's perfect.

Thank you.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah.

That's good.

Yeah.

But anyway, I don't know.

Fuck Elon Musk, I guess.

Shouldn't we have cooler shit by now?

It was cool when he got the rocket to land right side up.

That was pretty cool.

I don't remember that.

That's the coolest thing I think he's done.

He got a rocket, instead of just

falling.

Oh, that's kind of cool.

Upon re-entry to land like like star wars i would just like rich guys to pay to give poor people more money that's kind of my stance i think he yeah i i don't know enough about it but i i think i'm like jeff bezos and his fucked up eye fuck that guy how about jeff jeff beats off that's good that's cool i like that i'd like that guy more than jeff bezos how about bef jayzoff jeff bezos jeff jayzoff jeff jayzoff yeah he's a cool cousin that beats off

he's always always felt inferior to his jacking off cousin.

That's why he became so successful.

Amazoff, you know.

Yeah, yeah, Glamazon.

He's a gamer.

When I shop so hard, I come.

That's when I am is off.

What about the Winter Olympics?

Are we excited about those?

Did Claire invite you to that Winter Olympics opening

ceremony party that starts at 6 a.m.?

Yeah, I think it was a bid on Facebook.

Oh, was it?

She sent me a personal message saying, like, hey, I'm having a.

I was like, what the hell is that?

I don't know.

I don't think she's like a fucking job.

I don't really read Facebook.

But you don't have Facebook, so how else would you read it?

She's on Instagram.

She messaged me.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you don't have a Facebook.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm not shitting on Claire, but like, who the fuck gives a shit about the winter Olympics?

I assume it's a bit, but maybe she used to ice skate or something.

She seems like she could or went skiing or something.

Yeah.

I'm just

skiing once.

I'm just excited for Pyongchang to finally have its moment in the spotlight.

Pyongyang?

Pyong Chang.

What's What's that?

Is where the Winter Olympics are.

Is it pronounced Chang or Yang?

Pyongyang is the capital of North Korea.

Pyong

is where the Winter Olympics is.

In South Korea?

Where's Pyongchang?

In South Korea.

South Korea.

Speaking of it, SpaceX has launched into space the world's most powerful rocket, the Falcon Heavy, named after Jonah Falcon, Elon Musk's personal idol.

It's carrying a cherry red sports car as its payload.

That is the gayest thing I've ever heard.

He sent a car into space.

Yeah, a red sports car.

That's so stupid.

Yeah, so some alien's going to find it and be like, this must be a gift.

So he's a classic

alien dybo.

No, that's just what they

because they don't have as much oxygen on other planets.

That makes sense.

They need the chromosomes in their lungs, so they have extra of them.

So Elon Musk is just a nerd who's trying to be cool, is really what it comes down to.

I guess he's a billionaire that's trying to live in space off other people's hormones.

And then live for like 400 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn.

He definitely is getting some weird injections.

Okay, yeah, we're at 137 for Carolines ticket sales.

That's not bad.

That's not bad.

But we should.

We should do more.

What's it?

300.

Should we do a flyer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We should do a flyer.

I know we are nine days out.

Yeah, maybe we should.

I'll figure that out today.

Okay, there you go.

Show a little initiative.

Yeah, thanks.

You know?

Yeah.

Start pulling your weight around here?

No, I mean, I'll just find someone else to do it.

Yeah.

But, yeah, I'll.

I'll make the flyer and I'll put it out today.

Why?

Because I know how to fucking do that kind of thing.

I know how to do it.

You can't draw, you're a fucking idiot.

Are you drawing it?

I'll draw.

I'll draw it.

He's drawing.

He's going to draw.

I know how to draw.

Okay.

Nixon, when he gets in his little fucking

send you guys, but this guy

took some pictures in D.C.

that are very nice.

Nice.

Let's see him.

Adam just loves pictures of himself.

He's a fucking person.

I don't love pictures of himself.

He's like, wow, these pictures are so nice.

It's just pictures of him.

It's not of me.

It's of us.

Me and you are eating saltines in the background 15 feet away.

That's not true.

It's Adam with a fat guy and a different guy with a mustache.

It's like, guys, look how good we look.

Adam just completely zoomed in on his own face.

I'm not, that's not true.

Wow.

What a great picture of us.

They are nice pictures of us.

I'll show them to you.

I want to see them, too, man.

You asshole.

You guys look cute.

Thanks, man.

And I look cute, too.

And guess what?

That was a fun trip.

I want to go on another trip.

We got to.

We got to book shows on the road.

I'm working on it.

I got Austin coming up.

We got to talk about it.

We got to figure out this Carolines thing because if we don't sell our Carolines, we're fucked.

I'm looking at

venues in Austin.

I got Matt Beardens helping me out.

Bro, we're not fucked.

We won't be fucked.

We're not going to be fucked.

$137 a week out is fine.

We'll get it going.

We'll get it payoff.

Well, what were we at with Black Hat like a week out?

We're at like 300.

Yeah, but we've been promoting it for fucking a month in advance.

Guys, you got to come out.

February 15th.

There's no funny moms ever again, actually.

Unless we sell out.

Unless we sell out.

There's no funny moms next week, just the show at Carolines, and then we'll be back

at Come On Everybody.

Until 27th, I believe.

No, we won't be unless we sell out.

Unless we sell out.

Yeah, if we don't sell out

fucking kill ourselves.

Yeah, we're going to kill Adam.

Yeah, we got to sell out this one.

And we're all going to do it.

We're all definitely going to kill ourselves.

Adam's going to go first.

Read to it.

I'm not going to go first, but we are going to do it.

Because I believe you guys, but I just want you guys to know.

No, you're going first.

I'm going to kill myself in front of City Hall, and then the New York Times has to write an article about it.

And then we'll sell out the next one for sure.

Yeah.

They're like, this guy killed himself because nobody came to his show at Caroline's.

Yeah.

So please don't do that, guys.

New York Ass Times.

Yeah, you you know how the pot is when Nick is clearly reading his phone and me and Adam are just going back and forth?

Imagine that's what just the pot is if we don't sell out Carolines and Nick kills himself.

Yeah, it's just going to be me and Stav going back and forth.

I mean, you're lucky that I'm not at 8% body fat yet because obviously I can't kill myself until

I might spend my last Patreon check on liposuction.

Oh, yeah.

That's good.

You can bring the body fat down.

That would be cool.

If you got liposuction, that would be really funny, actually.

Where would you get it suction from?

Lower back and lower stomach.

Is that where you possess fat?

That's where everybody does, yeah.

Lower back?

That's the first place you gain weight.

You know, like this area, the love handler.

Oh, yeah, the love handler.

Yeah, yeah.

Muffin tops.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the first place you gain weight, last place you lose it.

Oh, interesting.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, unless you have

too much estrogen in your bloodstream.

In which case, you get breasts and hip fat, leg fat.

I've never gained weight on my legs ever.

Really?

Never once.

No, it's never fucking happened to me once in my fucking life.

A little chicken leg assistant.

Yeah, I'm a chicken leg, too.

No, I don't have chicken legs.

I'm what they call a chicken head, actually.

You give

a chicken head.

Pork, pork, chicken, chicken.

Pork, pork.

I'm a real chicken hood rat.

The beautiful chicken.

We cannot have her anymore because of the hurricane.

She tagged that beautiful chicken.

And she killed her.

How about this?

So FEMA paid $5 each for those meals.

Yeah, probably.

It was an enormous contract.

What about this for a good time?

That's insane.

Just send McDonald's.

Yes.

It's cheaper.

Just fucking contract it out to McDonald's.

$5.50 each for those meals.

I don't know if it was landed or whatever.

It's like this stupid combination of like, all right, we're going to have something bloated and huge like the government deal with disaster relief, which like the government should be doing.

But then we're going to contract this all out to fake tiny companies.

She's a tiny brown

and her 11 employees.

Two black ladies that zero employees like trumpets do we know if she's black she uh 100

first of all all you need to say is government contractor and then you know no dude what the fuck I mean a lot of them my dad works for like a contractor and the entire office is all just

you know who yeah

I don't know if most of government contractors are black people is true I don't know I feel like the federal government their federal government is filled with black people well yeah but those are actually people who live in DC yeah yeah but like but like government contractors are like yeah they're also when I I think government contractors, consulting, like

consulting, yeah, yeah.

Like, yeah.

Fucking, what are those other companies?

Deloitte.

Deloitte?

Yeah.

Just thieves.

Just like fucking.

They don't do shit.

They do nothing.

Ernst ⁇ Young, I think, is another one.

I was talking to my friend that...

They can suck my fat nuts.

I was working at Deloitte or McKinsey.

And like missile companies.

Yeah.

Boeing.

That's a plane, right?

Sure.

What's the Raytheon?

Is that?

Raytheon, yeah.

They made a Tomahawk cruise missile.

Oh, I thought that was the person on Twitter that was.

Yeah, Juana del Raytheon.

Dude, fuck that.

That was the...

It's so funny.

I thought it was funny.

How much these fucking idiots just consume themselves.

It's really funny.

I feel like you don't really hear much about the alt-right anymore because it's kind of unnecessary.

You can just let the left destroy itself.

That shit at Barnes ⁇ Noble with Rose McGowan.

We have Rose McGowan screaming at that trans woman who's dragged out, screaming

shut the fuck up, screaming cis het white fucking race, you know, racism or whatever.

And then it turns out that the trans woman raped children.

Yeah, yeah, we talked about that.

Yeah.

On the last one, but yeah.

That's wild.

But before, you get it's kind of like being baptized.

She's also been like so

like raped and fucking diddled in Hollywood for so many years.

She's like literally just a crazy person at this point.

Rose McGowan.

Rose McGowan?

Yeah, yeah.

Last time we talked about it, you said all trans people are bad at him, if I I recall correctly.

No, I didn't.

You said you're a TERF.

No.

You literally said I'm a terf.

I did not say that.

You said TERFs are right.

No, I would not say that.

I said they were hot.

I said that's a hot kind of water.

Yes, yeah, you said it.

And I said males are hot.

Yeah, they have long necks, I think.

To drink water.

Yeah, I don't know why.

Yeah, no, that's how they evolved.

You get closer to puddle.

So you start with a little ass-necked lady.

No.

I think that it's just different, but trans women probably have a harder life than cis women.

Yeah.

But you can't say that they have the same experience.

No, I agree with that.

Yeah.

That's all I was saying.

But yeah, the left will cannibalize itself, and we're fucked.

That's why this is now officially back to being a popular.

Are we all right again?

Hell yeah, dude.

Dude, those are.

The clown prince.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Nick's putting on his makeup.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Friends, let me tell you.

Mad that that bit was only on a premium episode.

Oh, that's a great bit.

Well, if you want to subscribe to premium, you could hear Nick's great pastor, the hot topic pastor that just saw the dark night.

Yeah, that was a really good.

I'm sure someone will steal it and put it on YouTube for sure.

Which, honestly, I prefer.

That drives listeners to the show.

Yeah.

As if people just put the fucking, the only parts of the show that are funny on YouTube.

It makes the whole show seem funny.

Yeah.

They figured out a way to cut out Adam's microphone.

Yeah.

Yeah, they can do that.

There is technology for that.

All right.

Well, we're going to wrap it up.

Carolines, February 15th, please come out.

Yes.

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