Ep. 88 – Finally Real Boys

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Welcome to the new

professional audio edited

version

of Come Town.

We figured out the audio finally.

It's perfect!

I spent a bunch of time learning how to

now you just broke it by screaming, I think.

Oh, did I?

Yeah, I tried to make it seem like

that was the bit we were doing.

Yeah,

I mean

you're in the gay place now.

What is this place?

Some kind of.

Some kind of cave?

Everything smells like shit in here.

You're inside of a man's ass.

This is the gay place.

But I'm not gay.

Oh, you are now.

Where's my wife?

You're all gone, Richard.

It's just you now.

You and every gay man.

Well, it's not fair.

I only suck one deck and it was in the Navy.

I did what my country asked for me.

There's no excuses in the gay place.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, well, I should probably

turn the volume down.

Hopefully that doesn't destroy the recording.

Do you think it did?

Should we pause and listen?

listen?

Yeah, you know what?

We can do that now that we're using a computer to record the podcast.

And

I guess there's going to be some overlap, but I did pause and re-record.

It sounds fine.

We're good to go.

The new professional setup.

Hell yeah, dude.

So hopefully

I'm not.

The problem with this is now I have a computer in front of me.

So my impulse is to use it on Reddit.

Let's get on Chatterbait.

Right, right, right, right.

Let's see who's jacking off on chatterbait.

Yeah, probably.

It's funny, you go to chatterbait and they rank it by

biggest pussy.

By biggest pussy, yeah.

No, by audience size.

Yeah, by audience size.

How much Adam you can figure out?

Adams spent a lot of time on Chatterbait.

Yeah, I like the ones where not a lot of people are watching.

You're a hipster.

You're a beat-off hipster.

Yeah, I like just

an old woman with

savvy titties.

I like nipples to knees.

That's my favorite thing.

That long-ass areola.

Ooh, yeah.

The areola is the center part, right?

Yeah.

I like it when the titties look like tubes.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah.

Just two penises.

I was laughing today about my wife asking me to get my tube tied.

She doesn't get pregnant.

Very strong doctor.

Tie my dick in a knot like the end of a balloon.

Mutilated balloon.

Yeah, I got my tube tied

so that my wife doesn't get pregnant.

Just a bunch of

cum build-up.

It's a reversible procedure.

Yeah.

I piss in my own face now.

Anyway, so on Chatterbait, right, they rank it by

the number of views.

The other night there was on the first page of like 70-year-old woman.

No, really?

Well, like an old just

haggard, no, methy-looking bitch.

Was it a glitch?

No, and she was just furiously masturbating.

I'm like, I gotta see what's going on.

So I clicked on it and she's just masturbating.

And the description, you know, it's like whatever they have at the top.

It's like the description of what they're doing.

And it just said, watching my man jacket.

So there was a guy beating off, and she was looking at him?

I guess.

Nice.

Yeah.

And that was a lot of people were.

Was she getting a lot of tokens?

Most of them are like Russian sex slaves.

Or like a

Colombian 13-year-olds in a warehouse.

Yeah.

With triple Z tits.

Oh, damn.

Titty's so big, her bra looks like it's asleep.

A sleeping cartoon.

And they don't really do much to dress the setup.

My girlfriend, Titty's So Big, her bra size look like a black man's report card.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I'm being texted.

Another thing, having the computer open, all my text messages coming out.

Oh, just turn it around.

Turn it.

No, because I got it.

I'm the producer now.

So I got to.

By the way, this means I'm taking even more money.

now that I'm producing.

No, that's what you're doing.

That's what you were supposed to be taking money for.

You said you were going to produce it from the beginning.

Yeah.

Well, now I am.

So,

what do the texts say?

Read them live on air.

It's gossip about a friend of ours.

I don't want to say who, but let's just say he's from Puerto Rico.

Oh, fuck.

See, Ricky Martin.

You guys have been.

Put that back, Adam.

Yeah, put that back in there.

Don't ever take that out again.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I wasn't playing.

You got to stop with the fidgeting.

We got to get you a fidget.

It helps me focus.

Yeah, get

it.

Why don't you play with my face?

Yeah, play with your dick.

Play with my dick.

Play with my own day off.

You know that's all you want.

That's all, Adam.

That's what he's dying for.

Tug all my foreskin out of

the way.

To get his fucking paws and a nice lip-smacking cock.

Adam, do you just lick your lips and look at my cock?

No, that was you making the lips.

You just did that sound.

No, Nick did that.

Don't say that, though.

Did you just lick his lips and look at my cock?

Anyway, so it doesn't matter that the show is going to be bad in terms of like content because it sounds like now we sound crisp.

That's what we're going for in 2018: being the best sounding podcast.

No bits.

No bits.

Just people.

This is going to be ASMR.

I might start an ASMR channel.

My cock.

Yeah, and it's all shit like that.

My fucking little cock.

My dad molested me.

I got fucked in the ass, but I was molested.

My mom put a strap on on and fucked my ass.

Yeah.

Do you think there's that kind of molestation?

I don't know.

I don't know what ASMR is.

Yeah, that's basically it.

It's that and like people flicking

a secret molestation recording.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's some lady who eats vegetables very loud, and I don't get the appeal of that.

That's nice.

Doug Sponny?

Yeah, actually.

It's like, what's up?

It's like a black lady with with very pink lipstick, and she's eating cucumbers loud as fuck.

Have you ever seen that video, the grapefruit video?

Of course.

Classic.

Yeah, that glog, gla, glogl, gloglog.

The way she sounds when she's sucking that dildo.

Oh, that would have been awesome to get away.

That's ASMR to me.

That's my ASMR.

That's my version of ASMR.

Put the fucking grapefruit on.

Yeah, the grapefruit lady.

God damn.

Have you ever had a blowjob that furious?

Yeah, of course.

Everybody has.

I have.

What about you, Adam?

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, that's a no.

No, not that fear.

Come on, not with a bitch.

No.

Tim wants me to bull-top him.

No, clearly.

No, that's not what he wants.

It's physically.

He wants to molest you like he's like a fucking little league coach.

Yeah, yeah.

Giving you pointers.

Absolutely.

No, he was saying he wanted to have like a sleepover scenario.

Yeah, and suck your cock.

Where he's like, come on, dude.

Yeah, and he's like the father of the boy you're sleeping over

well in that case that's the sleepover scenario well in that case I'm not doing it I thought it was friends at a sleepover and someone pretending to be my friend sounds enticing enough

all it takes is friendship for you to get your cock sucked by a man all it takes is friendship for me to do a whole lot all you need is friendship but but you get your cocksucked by a man um

so you guys still on that chatterbait heavy i i don't beat off what we like i like it because you don't have to tip it's just suggested.

That's right.

I'll be honest with you guys.

I'm a little nervous with this.

This

computer thing is making it harder for me to just do the show.

I don't trust that it's not going to fuck up.

We'll get that.

I guess we'll just we'll go and if it fucks up it fucks up.

Yeah.

What how do you think it's gonna fuck up?

Either stop recording or something.

Once you add

like a red light or something, right?

Once you add no, I can see that it's recording, but like once you add an additional like the the zoom works fine.

The zoom is never fucked up unless unless i've like fucked up by not replacing the batteries right or having the wrong input set

um i've recorded shit on laptops before not in logic but in audition where like it just crashes it just yeah it gets fucked up dude i used to do all those like prank phone calls and i had one where i kept best buy on the line for 45 minutes and you lost an old man i it was like the probably the best prank call i've ever done in my life

where i had some like squad guy i kept calling him gook squad oh hell yeah.

They're like, sir, that's not what it's called.

Fuck yes.

When are you going to send one of your gook squads?

Yeah, I was like, are you one of the gooks?

They're like, excuse me.

Dude, it was perfect.

It was like that bad.

It was like the holy grail of.

That's your grandfather's ass.

That's a prank call.

No, you don't even need to fucking hit it that hard over there.

No, you're just saying gook.

Yeah, that's it.

The bit is that it's a confused old man.

Not that he's like outwardly racist.

He just didn't.

He doesn't.

In his mind, it would be reasonable that it would be called that.

So he doesn't get it, but he's like, I guess, I don't know.

I mean, things used to be called things like that.

I guess it's not out of the realm of possibilities.

Damn, and it just crazy.

So, yeah, I had I had this guy on fucking on the phone and I was like,

I was like, my family got me this computer to help me listen to pod there's a Nazi podcast I want to listen to.

And I was like, which button do you press to listen to the podcast?

And I was like, they were like, well, I don't know, sir.

You know, they were describing how to get on Internet Explorer.

And I was like, well, there's a button here that says ESC.

What is that?

Like, uh,

well, like, on the keyboard?

I'm like, yeah, they're like, that's the escape key.

And I'm like, okay.

Well, will that

let me listen to

the podcast?

And they're like, no.

I'm like, okay.

Well, there's a button here that says F1.

What does that do?

And then I got to like F4 before the guy's like, sir, I'm not going to explain every key on the QR.

He's like, losing his fucking mind.

Of course.

I got off the phone and I was like, perfect.

I ruined that guy's day.

That minimum wage guy.

They make pretty good money at Geek Squad.

They get like $11, $12 in a week.

Wow.

Holy shit.

They get to ride around around on those VWs.

That's what I made at Sherwilli.

I made a fat $11.

Because I put on the form $11 an hour.

And

it was supposed to be $10, and I just put $11.

Yeah, I never used to sit down.

You apply for some bullshit job.

They're like, how much money do you want to make an hour?

And it's like,

well, a million dollars an hour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I put $15 an hour, and they're like, no.

They don't even give me that option.

Yeah.

Fucking insult.

But then the lady just asked me, so what are we starting you at?

And the guy told me 10 and I just said 11 and no one checked.

Instead of name,

yeah.

Instead of name, it should just be, what would you like to be called?

Yeah.

And then they're like, all right, well, we only have Richard name tags.

So

I guess you're dick now.

You already got a dicky.

I'd like to be King Hardcock, please.

Yeah.

Refer to me as King Hardcock.

Anyways.

Yeah, dude.

And then I went, I played back that fucking recording.

And it was like

all static and shit.

So I'm pissed.

But you were

on your bad.

I call up Toshiba Tech Support, and I'm like,

why is this recording fucked up?

And they're like, I don't know, something happened in the thing.

And I'm like, well, I'm trying to make my Nazi podcast.

You know, this recording was for the Nazi podcast and it's fucked up.

And they're like, well, I don't know what to do.

I'm like, is there a button I can press to fix it?

And they're like, probably not.

I'm like, well, what is this ESC key?

Damn, dude.

For the love of the game.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah,

I haven't done a prank call in quite some time.

Yeah.

But

I don't know.

Maybe I'll get back in there.

Remember when Paul Hooper was saying that he went to jail for prank calling 911?

He's like, he's a guy.

We talk about sobriety or whatever.

I love Hooper.

He's great.

And he's been sober for a while.

He's like, yeah, I went to jail pretty bad a couple years ago.

He was like, what are we going to jail for?

He's like,

I was just really drunk.

I called in a bomb threat to 911.

he told them he was gonna blow up 911 I don't know yeah something like that that rules man yeah dude it's funny some people are hilarious because it's like you know they're like

they already did all this yeah so they're super reasonable then you hear the shit they did and you're like what yeah

you shit in a lady's mouth like what the fuck is going on here yeah a lady was asleep on the train and you just put a little bit of shit on her nose the event story about the snake is the funniest it's It's still the funniest.

What story about the snake?

About how him and his friend.

Oh, he told you about it on the podcast.

No, I don't think he did it on the podcast.

I think he told me once.

Oh, what's the story?

He has a bit about it.

Is it a bit?

Yeah.

So it's from his act.

What's this?

Something like.

Let's do our friends' jokes.

No, no, he bought a snake with Coke money.

That's a good way to have a for-profit show

just repeat bits from

underpaid comedian friends as our own content.

Evan's jacked, though.

Yeah, that's like a sober guy thing, too, right?

Evan's not only jacked, he's lean now, too.

Oh, he lost.

Because Evan was fat before, and that was a thing.

He was fat.

And you can't say that.

But he just falls.

People who don't go to the gym don't understand what it means to be fat.

They see somebody with big arms and they're like, oh, that guy's in shape.

But Evan was disgusting.

He wasn't disgusting.

He was

completely straight up.

Yeah, Nick is fucking Nick is about to get on a straight eating disorder shit.

Yeah, Nick is like on those websites.

Not my own.

Look, there's the only problem with eating disorders is if they affect you.

If you employ them to hurt other people.

Nick's about to go on those pro-anorexia websites where he convinces other 12-year-olds to keep, don't eat.

Just don't do it.

You'll look hot.

Dude, now that we got pro audio editing, I can just throw, I can put in some Silver Chair in the background.

Oh,

zero.

What Silver Chair?

The Australian band.

Pro-anorexia band.

Yeah, the guy that had to quit because the lead singer had anorexia.

What amazing guy!

Yeah, he always used to confuse Silverchair and Jane's addiction.

I don't know why.

Really?

I used to confuse them and

you know what she was addicted to?

Fucking cock.

Yeah,

my cock.

No.

Just in general.

No, my cock.

Pericuomo.

Perry is Mario Cuomo's brother.

No, no.

Peri Como is like a singer.

Yeah, that's he was

a Silverchair.

Perry, I don't know, but I think he was Greek from Jane's Addiction.

I think so.

No, this is him, yeah.

Perry Como.

Also known as Mr.

C, was an American singer and television personality during a career spanning more than half a century.

He recorded exclusively for RCA Victor for 44 years after signing with the label in 1943 and then went on to start the band Silver Chair.

Perry Como was like a Frank Sinatra kind of guy.

He was an anorexic

como on the Berry Como show.

A pro-anorexia American bandstand.

It was on in the 60s.

That's why, you know, morbid obesity became a problem in the 70s when we had some more fat-style singers.

But would you, for fuck's sake.

Sorry, I'm going to stop playing.

Stop fidgeting.

I'll stop playing.

Again, you can fidget with my dick if you need to fidget with somebody.

I don't want to fidget with your dick.

It's going to ruin the dynamic of the pod.

No, it won't.

Yes, it will.

You've never touched a foreskin.

You know, man, as I get closer to 30, quick reminder that Adam is almost 31 years old, by the way.

Yeah, Adam's an old bitch.

Dude, that's so old.

I'm still clinging on to my youth.

I'm the youngest one.

I'm 28.

That's why you're the idealistic one.

The world hasn't beaten me.

It's crazy.

I'm the cynic.

When this podcast started, I was 17 years old.

And I was 16.

And Adam was 30 years old.

I was 30.

Adam was 30 years old.

Still hadn't hit puberty yet, though.

Me and Stavros were more advanced than Adam in terms of pubes and coming.

And

lowness of nuts.

I don't know.

I'm just going to nut and tell my girlfriend, I think.

Are you?

You're trying to have a baby?

Yeah, 31.

I have to have kids, right?

Is that the rule?

If you have a kid, we're going to fire you.

Damn.

The second half of my life is going to be a fucking disaster, dude.

You think so?

Oh, yeah.

I do not have the personality for.

I'm like an insane narcissist.

There's no way I can deal with it.

For a kid and stuff?

For myself.

First of all, it would be

do not let Nick have a kid.

Highly irresponsible of me to have a child.

That would be wild.

But yeah, I'm going to be getting like fake teeth and shit and tanning and like fucking hair plugs that start halfway down my forehead.

What's that guy's name, George?

I'm going to be one of those guys that's in his like 70s dating like, I don't know, like a 31-year-old Filipino woman.

Yeah, you're going to be like Liberace, dude.

You're going to get women that look like you.

You're going to make them get flashlights.

Let's exercise.

They look like you with abs.

Look like you right now.

You know what you'd look cool with?

Like Pauly wings, you know, like the

gray hair kind of.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm hoping I just sort of age gracefully into one of those sort of like disgusting, cursed, jockey Irish men.

You know, yeah.

You get old, you start wearing newsy caps.

Yeah, that's fine.

Just spitting all the time.

Yeah, you always have a newspaper.

Have a newsie cap.

What?

You always have a newspaper under your arm.

You look cold all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know what to do.

Get into that.

horse betting on horses.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

I think I'm going to get into betting soon.

I think I'm really going to get back into gambling.

Yeah, yeah.

I need a couple videos.

Didn't we try to pick basketball picks on our podcast and we got everyone wrong?

Yeah, we got everything wrong, I think.

We got to do picks on, or you guys got to do it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We got Super Bowl.

We got some.

We got it on lock.

We'll do that in a fucking minute.

I got some inside info, actually, on the page.

Do you have some tips?

I got some insights.

Insider trading.

Some things.

You fucked Gronk.

Gronk ruined your asshole.

You fucked Gronk for the fans.

If you guys want to do your picks now, and then we can just do the read at 30 minutes, because it's technically still mid-roll if we're at mid-roll.

What do we have to pick?

I haven't even looked at anything.

No, we'll do the promo.

We'll stop recording.

Start recording again.

Yeah.

We're addicted to pausing now that we can't do it.

I love pausing.

I love pausing, dude.

Yeah.

Check this shit out.

And we're back.

And we're back.

I just, we watched every single episode of Who's the Boss?

Yep, yep, and it's

the audience at home.

It sounds like you know, we were gone for

not even gone.

That's the magic

ends with me saying, Check this out, and then immediately cuts to me.

And we're back, and we're back.

And we watched every episode of

Perfect Strangers, or whatever I said.

I mean, who's the boss?

Did you hear that?

We'll go to the tape and then we'll find out what I think.

Hold on, pause.

Go back.

Who do you think is the boss?

Did you see the Yep.

We've talked about this before.

Diane Bitch.

We've talked about this, and then I think I brought up Elisa Milano's titties, and then we talked about the vampire movie.

She was a child.

Yeah, in the middle of the day.

The vampire movie where you could see her titties.

Is it Kiss of Vampire or Biggest Kiss?

I think Biggest Kiss.

Now, Kiss of the Vampire.

Which is the one with Nicholas Cage?

Maybe Kiss of the Vampire.

Maybe that's Kiss.

I don't know.

But all I know is on iHeadVideos.com.

Beat off to that.

White.

That was like a very early.

She was also in the Joey Botafuco movie.

Yeah, Yeah, this is literally the conversation we had the last time.

We have no music.

Shall we pause?

Let's listen back to every episode of Hometown.

That would be horrible, dude.

Oh, my God.

That would be brutal.

I'd feel awful.

No more sucking off my gay ass.

Nice.

Thanks, man.

That's my little fucking gay dick.

R.I.P.

Neil Young.

Is he dead?

He will be by the time this air.

No, are we going to kill him?

Those are the predictions.

Those are my picks.

You can bet on that on Pet

Sock.

Yeah, Bet Dick Suck International.

All right, well, don't talk shit about the sponsor.

I mean, wait until we do the read.

I don't.

Don't want to fuck up the contract.

That's not.

So this is our big State of the Union episode.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck.

That's happening tonight, right?

Damn.

We should have fucking watched it.

The stars are out.

Oh, did you watch the the Grammys?

I watched like five minutes.

Yeah.

Oh, one.

Bruno Mars.

Bruno Mars won like everything else.

Oh, shit.

We were talking about Bruno Jadena Mars or whatever the fuck.

Yep, that's right.

We were talking about it.

I think I was doing.

All right, I'm sorry.

I was doing Bruno Jidena and no one appreciated.

You were doing genius of that.

We were doing Bruno Jaidena and also Miguel.

Yeah.

Hey, this is Bruno Jidena.

See, now you can appreciate it.

Hey, you're listening to Bruno Giant, aka the classic man.

We were ending the show.

He just started doing that bit for like six minutes.

I don't know why that.

It still says very funny.

I don't know what makes it so much Bruno Jiden.

Michael Jackson one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or a guy named Bruno Jidena.

Yeah, Bruno Bill.

Well, that was officially the Come Town Bump.

So that set him over the.

That's why he got all the trophies.

Yeah, we recorded that on Saturday.

He's a very bouncy man.

Bruno?

Yeah, I think he's like 5'2 also.

He's a short guy.

So he's Adam's height.

That's not true.

He's your height.

No, he's your height.

We've already made this clear.

If you're taller than you, I'm stronger than you.

If you're dick's height, you're not taller than me.

Bruno,

you're debatably stronger than me.

I could literally fucking crush your head into a million pieces.

You could crush it, how?

With my fucking hands, dude.

That's not true.

I'll put it between.

I will crush your fucking.

We're going to do a thigh crushing.

I would lie my way out of it.

You know what those big shit is?

We're going to do do the final episode of this show is we're going to do it Legion of Skanks style.

We have a bunch of interns from

towns in New Jersey that Bruce Springsteen would be embarrassed of

that are all way too fucking drunk and high, videotaping me putting your fucking head between my hands and squeezing it as hard as I can.

Oh, you would do it that style.

Until

you're fucking, until blood comes out of your eye sockets and those.

I'm going to kill you on the final episode.

That would be cool.

If you can't crush my skull with your barriers.

And I can.

If you can't,

if I fucking can, dude.

I hate to be this guy, but

I fucking can't.

The bone in my skull, which is hard.

It's a hard bone.

Yeah, I'll crush it, dude.

I got a hard.

I got a hard bone you can crush.

And there's a plate in there, too, so you can't crush it.

Where do you have a plate in your skull?

I got a plate right here.

A collectible plate?

Yeah, it's cool.

A commemorative plate.

It's a salvation army.

It's an Israel commemorative plate installed in his brain.

It's for the Jewish National

Do you really have a plate in your head?

No.

Oh, that'd be cool.

Do people do that?

Some people do.

Of course, people do that.

We thought there was something cool and interesting about you, but no.

There is cool and interesting stuff about me.

Name one thing.

I had a lot of stress in my house growing up.

That sucks.

Adam had a rough childhood.

Sometimes his dad would have a couple of glasses of wine and raise his voice.

We've all heard about Adam's terrible childhood.

His father, who says things loudly.

Oh, he says some things.

You've got to stop making background noise.

On the table, especially.

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

It's all right.

I mean, you can fidget, just do it off the table.

I'm going to fidget here.

There's a way to fidget without making noise.

Maybe if there was some soft flesh, you could run your fingers.

I'm not going to jack you off.

No, don't jack me off, but play with my foreskin a little bit.

Aren't you curious to think what a foreskin feels like?

No.

You've never felt one.

I was in gym class.

I saw them.

Did you?

I stared at them.

Yeah.

And you look at your look.

Yes, looks fucked up.

Yeah.

The German kid that Adam was that hated because of his programming, his Hasbara programming, and then also had just a forbidden sexual desire towards

and for I slept in a German

Adam's sexual awakening was in that shower when him and that German boy compared dick sizes and they argued about whether whether or not the foreskin counts.

Oh, it counts.

Oh, no.

It definitely counts, first of all.

And also,

you document, dude.

You don't measure.

It definitely counts.

Here's the thing.

You can stretch out your foreskin.

Here's what I do.

Check this out.

Look, I'm wearing a beanie right now.

I'm actually six foot three.

Hey, man, stretching it out.

The beanie's not part of your body, pal.

It's a foreskin.

Yes, it is.

No, that's borrowed inches.

That's close.

No, dude,

it gives you an extra optical inch.

If you shave your pubes and have a foreskin, wow.

Because it looks like you have a three-inch stick.

It doesn't look like no.

No.

Do you shave your pubes?

No, I don't.

I trim.

I don't really.

You don't trim?

You're a wild boy.

I keep my shit real clean.

Ooh.

Yeah.

I go.

I got it.

Like number two.

Well, look at my fucking mustache.

Look at the amount of work I put into that.

Yeah.

Well, who knows, man?

You can have a wild thicket of pubes down there.

No, sometimes I'll let it go, but it's like it just gets sweaty and fucking uncomfortable.

Do you take a razor to it?

No, I use

clippers with like a number three guard

on top, and then I

clean up the base.

And I actually have been using that Phillips Nerlco.

This is an official.

Yeah, the One Blade.

But I used a One Blade.

I might have to.

I put you onto that.

You do?

Yo, that sounds good.

You do shave your balls.

I've never shaved my balls before until I started using the Phillips Neralco One Blade stuff.

That could work.

It's $30.

It's available on Amazon Prime now, so it can be at your house in two hours.

Yeah, you can have a shaver.

You can have smooth balls just like

a small ball smooth brain.

I'm about to literally buy it right now of him.

By the time I go home, I will get it and I will shave my hands.

Dude, it's nice.

If you like getting your fucking nuts sucked, I love it.

I don't really?

Nah, because it's like

they always sort of like bite your ball a little bit.

It doesn't really like

too hard.

Yeah, a ball's not supposed to go in somebody's mouth.

Oh, I couldn't disagree more.

You can't.

Yeah, no, no.

I don't want affirm suction, but I want to.

You get a sloppy hand job

during a ball suck?

How about a nice broad tongue lick?

A broad tongue lick on your nuts, and then lick them off all the way to your cock gone.

Yeah, I mean, geez, Louise.

There's nothing better than that.

Anyways, you should be fucking trimming your shit if people are going down.

Sucking your nuts.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I mean, you should just in general.

I keep it pretty tight.

It's hygiene.

No, that's not true.

It is.

No, we're evolutionarily supposed to have bigger.

Oh, yeah, we're evolutionary.

Yeah.

No deodorant.

I'm caveman style, dude.

I'm paleo,

whoa, whoa.

Ball sac.

Your balls are

paleo warriors.

My nuts are very much in the 21st century.

I don't know.

I just, I think that, like,

if you have hair and the person you're having sex with has hair, it's less friction.

It's evolutionarily, that's how it's makes sex more comfortable.

I want to get,

I want to go to like one of those rock and roll barber shops

and get a fucking and get a hot shave on my nuts.

Just go to Floyd's 99 and get there to put that in.

Get to it wrap it in a towel.

Exactly.

Wrap my nuts in a towel.

Mario.

And then use one of those fucking old-fashioned blades and just give my shit, get my shit so scary.

That's so scary.

Hold it from the top of the foreskin and then

there's a great visual.

You guys have stray hairs on your shaft too.

Not really.

Yeah, not that much.

Well, I get some, I get like around the base, and sometimes I'll wax that shit off.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

You wax really?

You got a lazy cock?

Yeah, yeah.

Where'd you get wax from?

You just get it at Target.

They got shit that, like, you just, it heats up, you rub your hands together.

Get the fuck out of here.

Because you used to shave that shit, and it's painful when it grows back.

You wax it, it doesn't come back from the bottom of it.

Do you wax your gooch?

No, that would be excruciating.

I feel like a gooch should be hairless.

No, you take maybe like a half inch of hair off the base with like wax strips.

It's like,

why do you do it?

Seriously.

Dick looks better?

No, it's just, you know what it is?

I get folliculitis.

Folliculitis.

Well, whatever.

Folliculitis.

My follicles get infected.

Folliculitis.

Yeah.

Well, follic my fucking dick, bagging.

I don't give a shit what it's called.

Damn, folliculitis.

If I don't maintain that shit, like, you know, because what I'll do is I'll fuck and then I won't bathe for like three days.

Oh, yeah, I love that.

And then it's like, oh, well, now it looks like my dick's about to fall off.

Yeah.

I told you guys how Eldis got a yeast infection on his dick, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think Shudd also gets folliculitis, and his dick just looks fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I've never, thank God, that's, you know, I have an olive-oily, smooth cock.

Yeah.

I've never, I've never had a venereal disease, knock on wood.

No, I've had so many dick problems.

Really?

Yeah.

I've had like, I've had, I've had like hematomas and shit.

Oh, what the fuck is that?

Where it's like just blood that built up underneath the skin.

Yeah, like severe pain.

From what?

From jacking off too furiously?

Yeah, just fucking like, just going nuts.

Salute.

I get a little.

I mean, that's.

Mother man loves beating off.

Yeah, dude.

You get drunk.

You fucking just be just shit out of it.

You just yank your fucking cock like a lawnmower that works start.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's being fucked up and then just like not being like and jacking off fucked up.

Coke cug, the coke.

Yeah, I'm like fucking fucking while real drunk and like my dick won't stay hard, so I'll like just squeeze the shit out of it.

Oh, buddy, of course.

I know all about putting the hand at the base.

Stop because that's over, baby.

And then like you wake up the next morning and then there's your dick looks like it just lost a fight.

in Street Fighter.

I just tape my dick up like it's a boxer's hands at the base of the face.

My dick looks like, like, cut me.

You just lost his doll scene.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was weird how there was, like, only, like, maybe, like, 12 or 15 girls at that DC show we did.

Was it weird?

Yeah, exactly.

See, I don't think about shit like that.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought that was weird.

It's like, oh, well, that means that.

Oh, no, I was just making a joke about how we were talking about our penises.

Oh, okay.

No, because you were doing that at the live show.

You're like, oh, there's no girls here.

I'd like more girls in our fan base.

That would be nice.

I think, oh, what the fuck does it matter?

I think it would be nice, you know, just.

But that's like, it's an extension of that, like, when you'd post something on Facebook and somebody would be like, only three women like this.

No.

No, it's the exact same thing.

That's what you're doing by being like, oh,

more girls there.

Why?

So you can try to fuck them.

That's

the one valid, that's the only valid reason you're allowed.

That's really

one reason.

We should have a show that appeals to everybody.

Fuck you.

Go right for BuzzFeed or something.

This is a serious show.

Right.

Now, anyway.

About men's issues,

such as folliculitis on your fucking dick.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

We're going to take a break and have a message from our sponsor, and we'll be back.

I love pausing.

Pausing is great.

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And Adam and Stav, do you have picks for this week?

Take the damn Eagles.

Fuck the Patriots.

That's our picks.

Eagles plus six.

The line might have moved a little bit, but take the damn Eagles.

For everything that's good in the world, they're going to win.

The Patriots are too hot.

Adam, what do you think?

Let's go, Eagles.

Let's go, Big Dick, Nick, Foles.

That's right.

Let's go.

Rocky Elizabeth.

I'll have a Rocky Balboa.

We'll drink a tall glass of Wooder.

Philadelphia.

That's right, baby.

Gino, speak English.

Yeah, speak fucking English.

Sounds good.

And I guess we can just go right back into the episode.

Damn.

That's the beauty of the professional audience.

I was hoping we'd do a little pause.

I love pausing, but sometimes

sometimes it's edging.

Now I can't wait till the next time we pause.

Are you getting into edging?

No, I've never edged in my life.

The goal is to come.

I love coming.

I like to edge with food.

Sometimes I put just the tip of a little smoky.

Oh, yeah, I got a little smoky.

You put the tip in.

You get a very little smoky.

I didn't know they made smokies even littler.

A little or Smokey.

I don't edge, but I

have fucked and tried not to come, which is sort of de facto edging.

I remember when I was a kid, I found a little can of Gerber's Vienna sausage in the garage, and I was eating them.

I don't know what garage.

I don't know why they were in the garage.

Gerber is like the baby?

The baby food, yeah.

But they made Vienna sausages.

They had little Vienna sausages.

Those were baby dicks.

They were just in the garage for

that.

Nice.

In a jar?

Yeah, pickled sounds nice motherfucker i'll eat anything i don't give a shit i feel like edging is is like uh something that's done only by the very wealthy i'm an i'm actually an edge fund manager yeah

i teach rich people how to not come

they call it they i have the world's biggest choda called the big short coming out

or i'm an edge fund manager that predicted that

nothing really but during 2008 I did a lot of jacking yeah yeah yeah and not coming yeah so stay tuned for a nice period piece from 10 years ago where everybody's got candy bar phones but then they dress mostly the same

slightly shittier haircut

snake you know

yeah playing snake on the phone do you find that when you beat off and don't come for a while the load is thicker it's not thicker there's more of it there's more yeah for sure when i haven't when i when i for whatever reason when i when i'm busting at home yeah i'm just in the privacy of whatever when i'm doing some personal busting sessions my dick never gets hard all the way.

Okay, fair.

I never get hardjacking off all the way.

I don't know how people get hard outside of fucking.

Yeah.

I need to be in the pussy to reach final form.

I get my dick 85% of the way there, and once we're in,

then we're really.

I'll wake up in the middle of the night with a boner.

I sleep hard, you know.

Yeah.

During the day.

Sometimes in the morning I'll wake up.

In the morning, absolutely.

But only if I fall asleep on my stomach, which is a rarity.

I'm a stomach sleeper.

Because there's like pressure on the dick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a stomach sleeper.

You are.

No, I mean, I wake up at like 7 a.m., immediately bang out 50 push-ups, start punching holes in the drywall.

I get my fucking day going.

I was looking at Mark Wahlberg's Instagram today, and he had his last post.

He was like, Every morning I wake up at 3 a.m.

and I work out for two hours.

3 a.m.

That's nighttime.

You're not waking up.

Even four would be semi-acceptable.

Three is the last hour of the night.

It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he goes to bed at 7 p.m.

and wakes up to drink fucking protein shakes.

Well, that's the fucking hour, isn't it?

Wasn't there like a study that came out like a year ago that's like our ancestors used to wake up in the middle of the night and to stay awake for an hour?

This is a study.

What study was this?

Bro, look the shit up.

It was out there, man.

I'm serious.

People would wake up in the middle of the night, and they didn't say it, but the clear implication was that's the fucking hour.

You'd wake up in the middle of the night, stay up for an hour.

What do you think's going on there?

It's the fuck sesh hour.

I like that.

I like waking up in the middle of the night, having sex with someone who's, you know, having sex with Aldous.

Yeah, just fuck Eldis in the air.

He's in Aldous's room.

Yeah.

He's so, he's in such a deep slumber because of all the fucking ice cream he ate.

His blood is running so thick and viscous, he has no idea what's going on.

Speaking of viscous, no, what I was saying, when I busted home

on a personal basis,

always just it looks like

the little amount of wood glue you get with an IKEA bread.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

That little like

toothpaste for a pygmy.

Yes, of course.

Well, that's because you're very efficient when you're jerking off.

What's your ritual?

What's your jack-off ritual?

Can I say something to you?

I have not been jacking off recently.

Oh, to make sex better.

To make sex better.

To have more power.

Braggy.

Bragger.

I think I'm coming towards the end of that.

I don't know.

I feel like beating the girl.

I've been jacking off a lot.

Well, your girls in

girls are cross-legged.

Yeah, I mean, I have a little nice ritual.

Hit me with it.

Circle of candles.

Sit in the middle of the circle, cross-legged.

Put on pure moods.

Okay.

The Native American circles.

In the end, you distinguish every candle by putting it in your ass.

Yes.

One by one.

Put them all out.

Squat on top.

Yeah, coming crystal.

No, I place a yoni egg in my asshole.

And just like your grandma.

Stretch out on your own.

One of those

pussy stronger, yoni eggs?

Yeah, I think so.

His grandma beats off with it.

My grandma did at dinner mention that she knew what I think it'd be very funny if like a woman put a yoni egg in her pussy and then you fuck her, but like somehow you don't realize it's in there and then afterwards she squeezes it out and she's like, this is yours.

You're going to have to take care of this.

Like one of those Kinder chocolate eggs that has a little prize in the middle.

Oh, yeah.

This is just

like, oh, I can't hang out tonight, guys.

I got to go sit on my egg.

Yeah,

this girl I've been seeing, she laid an egg.

She's actually seeing some other guy now, some Puerto Rican guy.

So I got to go.

I guess I got to sit on the egg while she.

Damn.

Is that what happens to birds?

Yeah, dude.

The bird girls go out and birds.

It happens

to penguins.

Whoa.

Flightless birds, the men take the role of being the caretaker.

Whoa, while the wife's out there getting fucking bad.

That's why I call them dickless birds.

Cucks.

Yeah.

Eagles don't do that shit.

Eagles soar, dude.

Yeah, fly eagles fly.

They're in the fucking sky.

That's why, as an American,

as a tier one operator, I fucking love bald eagles because they cheat on their wives.

And they fly.

Using Viagra.

They cheat on their wives.

The most American shit you can do, baby.

Wow, Bill Hicks himself over here, dude.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm getting into political comedy.

Yeah.

They were getting.

They know that bald eagles don't fuck.

Why?

Because I've tried Viagra.

The best.

Tom Myers' classic I've tried Viagra bit.

Why don't you just say I've smoked pot instead of I've tried pot?

How do you have to say it in the worst way possible?

How could you fuck up lying about

having smoked pot?

Fuck up for yourself.

I've tried pot.

Calling it pot.

Pot is awesome.

Pot is hilarious.

I've experienced pot.

How is that set 11 years old?

And we're still laughing at it.

Is it really 11 years old, dude?

It's 11 years old.

2007.

What?

Obama wasn't even present.

George Bush.

I was in high school.

I was present.

I was in a senior in high school.

George Bush was present when that set was recorded.

Adam, what year of high school were you in?

That was during the primaries.

I was in college.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Pretty old.

Yeah, I was already doing college.

I was a few years older than you.

I knew who Tom Myers was.

I had no idea who Tom Myers was.

I was intimately familiar with you.

Those were the years you had ahead of me, dude.

That was the jump.

Yeah.

That's why I'm so much more successful now.

That's right.

That's why I get spots all the time

I had a fun spot on Claire's show last night.

Yes, I've done that show.

Claire, what's her name?

Parker?

Yes.

Yeah.

She was in our video.

Yeah, I forget her name because she had too many names.

Did she?

I think she wasn't.

She filled out a W-9 and she's got too many names.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

W-9.

She has a lot of names.

The one that acted on her.

She has like four middle names.

She probably only has two, but

I remember being like, what the fuck is why?

At least maybe she's like, she went to church or something.

Yeah, I don't know.

Could be.

Oh, she's like, you know,

I forget where she's from, but Claire's cool.

I fuck with Claire.

Yeah, Claire's great.

Yeah.

Too many names, though.

Too many names.

Guess what?

You're canceled, bitch.

Catholics have a lot of names.

Yeah, I think so.

My dad's got two middle names.

He does?

Yeah.

Like a family name and then a middle name.

Francis Fuckley.

I never really even asked him about it.

That's cool.

Every Greek person's middle name is their dad's name.

Ooh.

So, my son will be named.

You know, like

Scandinavians, like Norwegians didn't have last names until like 1910.

Well, that's cool.

They were just Zven and shit.

Well, they had to make like a law demanding that people have last names.

Because your name would just be like Richard Ben's son.

Oh, is that why?

Oh, that's why all their last names are.

Daniel's son?

Yeah.

Simonson.

Daniel Simonson.

Yeah.

That's another funny guy.

Well, that's like your Hebrew Hebrew name is your name.

No, it's not like

son of your father.

I don't think it's like that.

So it's Adam, son of, and then my name is.

No, I don't think so.

That's what a Hebrew name is.

I don't think that's like what Hebrew names are.

That's what it is, dude.

I have a Hebrew name and I have an English one.

He has a Heblue name, too.

It's just this call sign on the ham radio that he has in his little PT cruiser that he goes around leading truckers in.

You had to buy a gayer car than your normal car to go suck dick in of course

you want to be respectable

do you remember that episode of cops where no they pulled over the truck it's like nine million episodes

no they pulled story time's over for you oh god damn it they pull over the truck and the truck driver is just in full full-on drag oh and he's like drunk and belligerent it was like the truck it's like an 18-wheeler sounds transphobic to me what are you implying that trans women can't drive trucks.

The cop is like, the cop's like, all right, I'm going to ask you to go back in your car and change, right?

Which is pretty transphobic.

And then he comes out and he's hammered still.

And he's wearing like...

Yeah, was he supposed to not be drunk?

No, no, I get it.

I get it.

Because he was forced to degender himself.

And then he goes back in the truck and he just comes out wearing like a pair of cut-off jean shorts where literally like the bottom half of his ass is showing and just like a small tiny like tank top with a little belly coming out.

It's It's so funny.

It's still got the makeup on.

Was it cops is the one where there was that episode where they pull up and the guy's like drunk passed out in the bed of a pickup truck and he like wakes up and I guess he had like shit himself and then he just he's like they're shining a light in his face and he just smears shit all over his face.

Trying to like open his eyes.

I mean, I don't know.

It sounds possible though.

Yeah.

That was a great show.

It was great.

It was real, right?

Or was it fake?

Didn't somebody

say that it was fake or something?

No.

I mean it was real.

Probably produced a little bit, but

they were definitely real cops.

Yeah, and those are real cases.

Like, what do you think?

Those people are actors?

Like, methy people beating the shit out of each other?

No, man.

No, yeah, I guess that makes sense.

You dumb motherfucker.

Anyway, but that clip of cops is very funny.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Would you have fucked him?

Of course.

Was he hot for a space?

Was he hot?

No, no, no.

He looked like shit.

Yeah.

That sucks.

It's cool that he was, that, that she was.

You don't know that it was a shit.

That they were driving the truck.

Why was it called?

18 Wheels.

You think it's a big-ass truck.

You know, in other countries what they call that?

A Pentechnicon?

Do you know that?

Call what?

A truck?

A Pantechnicon?

Yeah.

That's a cool ass name, but I don't believe you.

Yeah, that's what they call like 18-wheelers.

Where?

Like England and shit.

Just England?

Well, that's what they called it.

They told me in South Africa.

South Africa.

A Pentechnicon?

Pennsylvania's making up dumb shit to say to you, so you come back here and repeat it.

I think that's

probably it.

A Pantechnicon?

Yeah.

It's called a fucking lorry.

A lorry in England.

A Hugh Lorry.

A Lorry is like a pickup.

He's named after the guy who's in house.

Their finest actor.

A Ute is a pickup.

A Ute?

Yeah.

With a Utah.

This is making this shit up.

No, no.

Maybe it's right.

Maybe I made this up.

Nah, it's a named Lori after Hugh Laurie from House.

Very good, dude.

I just wanted to make sure that was on on the record.

He was actually English.

He was British.

You guys didn't know that because he was that good of an actor.

Yeah.

I remember when I found out, I saw a minority report, and then I found out Colin Farrell was on it.

Van Technicon, a large van for transporting.

A van, yeah.

What the fuck is that?

Which is a lorry, basically.

No, a lorry is a truck.

No, a lorry's Hugh Laurie.

A lorry is...

Named after the guy from House.

As a tribute.

Whatever.

Yeah, you need to look this up to be wrong about it.

I wasn't wrong.

Yeah, you were.

You know what?

I want craft macaroni and cheese with some tuna fish and hot sauce.

Ugh, tuna fish.

What the fuck?

It is kind of a nice man.

I've had it before.

What?

Yeah, it is.

You throw a little tuna.

It's like coffee.

It's cool.

It's gross, bro.

That's jail.

I am really hungry, right?

You want fucking ra uh ramen?

You want ramen with fucking crushed up Cheetos in it?

I do want ramen.

And then cigarettes that's been out of that's been in someone's ass.

Oh, I love cigarettes.

Yeah, that sounds like France to me.

You know, France, they call that meal of suck Dick McConnell.

They call that pan breakfast.

Yeah.

Anyways, what else do we got going on, boys?

We got our big

State of the Union for.

Oh, no, we also have a show.

Oh, yeah.

We got our big show at Caroline's coming up, guys, which is the 15th of February.

My birthday's coming up.

Stav's birthday is right before it.

And for the fans in attendance, you will get to see Nick and I give Stav his birthday presents.

And let me tell you,

we've been hyping them up.

What are these, man?

We've been hyping them up.

I don't know if maybe it deserves a hype.

I think it probably does.

I think they're good presents.

I think they're funny.

I think they're both funny gifts.

And it's two gifts.

We're not even splitting a gift.

We're being real good friends.

I don't think you're being good friends on it.

We are, dude.

We are.

And the audience and you are going to like it.

I don't think I am.

And it's going to be good for us.

And

I'm going to like it.

I'm going to the fucking dentist.

I'm going to the fucking dentist tomorrow.

I'm nervous, dude.

I'm scared of the dentist.

I don't fuck with the dentist.

They're going to fix your shit up, dude.

I hope so.

But I can't have insurance.

What the fuck?

It's pretty expensive.

Dentits.

You know what I'm saying?

Dentits?

Yeah.

They put titties in your mouth to clean your teeth.

I love that idea.

I love that.

Dude, that sounds great.

Dude, I remember I had a period where I was like 21, and I was like going to sleep.

I would drink a bunch of chocolate milk before going to sleep, and I wouldn't brush my teeth.

And I was like, well, it's got milk in there.

I used to say,

I got like six cavities.

I was doing that like every night for like six months.

Does milk have a high sugar content?

Oh, yeah.

Chocolate milk does.

Regular milk does.

It does, right?

It's got a shit ton of sugar in it.

Lactose.

But it's got lactose in it, which is like only in milk.

So it's a different type of sugar.

I don't really know how any of that shit works.

Yeah.

I just know that to be jacked, you need to drink a gallon of

Mark Ripito.

Have you guys ever had any horror?

Yes, Coach.

Yes, Coach, Rip.

The guys on the starting strength forum are so funny.

Typically, the guy that's like got into exercising at 47 years old.

He's been like a fucking

network engineer since 1992.

Awful body.

Three divorces.

Last one to a woman who did not speak any English at all.

And they're like, I'm an athlete now.

I squat 315 pounds at a body weight of 375 pounds.

I am an athlete.

They're fattish shit, but they just have big traps for some reason.

My fingers have rolls.

I'm an athlete.

I'm a 52-year-old athlete.

And

Coach Rip has taught me.

You go on there, and somebody will ask a completely reasonable question.

They'll be like, oh, can I squat like high bar instead of doing low bar?

Like, you're not doing a fucking program.

You can fucking shit and do what you fuck want.

Like, that's how it's like, he's like, you know, that focus group that said that people trust people who curse more?

And then, like, a month later, like, Tom Perez was like, he's full of shit.

You know, like, the Democrats were like,

everyone's cussing.

You remember that?

Yeah.

Like, that's kind of how Ripito comes off with all that.

Like, he's always just, like, he's the guy that cusses.

That's how you know.

There's no bullshit.

He's so authentic.

He can't help cusses.

Yeah.

Right.

When you don't squat the right way.

I don't care, dude.

It makes me like.

I give people straight up the advice they need to hear.

Number one, pay me more money.

That's good advice.

Number two,

never, ever let people know your true intentions.

You know what I'm saying?

Cruel intentions.

The decepticality of

the mindset of decepticality.

I think you could be like that inarticulate and get a show on Infowars.

100%.

The thing is, is that a lot of these so-called liberal groups per se

don't

understand the

intellectual locality of

a man of my

brain stature?

Dude, I was at the fucking 24-hour Best Buy the other night buying an external hard drive.

Nice.

And that is

the best place in New York.

Yeah.

I'm telling you, dude, for fucking people watching, you get some fucking weirdos in there.

Middle of the night.

Middle of the night.

What time were you there?

There is some kind of midnight release for like a Dragon Ball Z thing.

there's all

these people in line, people who I'm going to call dorks, even though they're like maybe one notch above myself on the dorks scale.

That's fine.

You call anyone beneath you.

Yeah, I've gone to plenty of midnight releases myself.

For what?

Like just other games that have come out.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

Not Grand Theft Auto, maybe one of the Call of Duties.

Bioshock 2, I think I was doing all the release for.

Okay.

It's not an event.

You just go buy it, you pre-order it, and it's like, you know, I'm

going to get it.

Yeah, you might as well just go pick it up.

I'm a gamma game nerd like you.

It's 24 hours.

The one at Union Square?

Yes, 24 hours.

Anyway, so I'm in line buying the external hard drive, and this woman next to me who

she's there

with her like camo shorts son.

Oh, she's looking just like Stav.

Stop didn't shave his face and tried to grow out whatever.

He was not fucking

spelling.

And the woman's like, Yeah, my daughter has this

horrible habit of breaking the space bars.

so they're buying like a new keyboard at two o'clock in the morning or whatever and the fucking uh this like like the the best buy employee who's like he's got like some kind of a hispanic accent he's like uh he's like well yeah it's actually the most used key so it it makes sense that they would like break you know that would happen and then this fucking doofus like white guy with like forearm tattoos who also works there he's like uh actually i think the return key would be the most used key oh hell yeah and then the other guy goes the other guy goes Well, no, he's like, when you write a sentence, think about how many times you hit space in between every word.

He's like, yeah, but to start the sentence, you got to fucking

hit enter.

Awesome.

So

you can't even begin the sentence unless you're writing.

So neither one of them has actual.

Mind-numbing conversations.

They're just guessing.

Well, first of all, you also use the space.

Obviously, the space book way more than the return.

The return is making it debate.

But that's how fucked up his head is.

To start the sentence, you get return.

Which, A, you don't.

Right.

That's just not not true.

That's not true at all.

Anyways, he goes, Yeah, he's like, But, you know, and then the Hispanic guy's just trying to be nice to him.

So he's like, Oh, yeah, that's interesting.

I guess we will have to look it up at some point, you know.

And then the fucking white trash moron looks at the family and he goes, Yeah, we always get into these,

you know, these little brain wars.

Did you mean arguments?

Did you just call arguments

Brain wars.

That fucking rock.

Oh, fuck, yeah, dude.

Shout out.

Union Square Best Buy.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Brain Warrior.

Yeah, we always get into these

brain wars.

God damn, dude.

Yeah.

Well,

fuck.

What do you got coming up, boys?

I'm just having says and says.

Yeah, we got our fucking big show.

Please come out to that February 15th at Carolines.

And then we're back at Come On Everybody on the 20, whatever, the 4th Monday.

Uh-huh.

And then I will be at, I will be in Philadelphia in March, the 17th.

That's a little bit of a ways away.

But,

you know, and it's my birthday, February 11th.

So we're going to be getting buck wild.

I'm going to have, I'm going to get Korean barbecue and get a massage.

And maybe take mushrooms.

I might go get Korean barbecues tonight.

Damn, for real.

Yeah.

Yeah, after this, I might go to K-Town.

Why?

Do you just feel like it?

Yeah, I haven't had it in a while.

I've been talking about it.

I want to go into the city anyways.

I figured we got enough time left for me to get Macy's and buy another track suit and some gloves.

Very nice.

You're going for another track suit.

I'm going to be track suited out to come spring.

I got a fucking problem.

I love it.

Tracksuit problem?

I ain't a problem, bitch.

Which one you got?

It sounds like you got a solution to me.

You got a track suit.

You get the tree foil.

I can't stop purchasing.

Oh, I have that.

Oh, yeah, just don't buy stuff.

I mean, I wish.

Find something else to do.

Like, But that's the thing, is people are like, oh, you go to therapy or whatever.

That's just like $100 a session.

Yeah, that's spending more time.

For $100, I could have half of a tracksuit.

You can't go to just one therapy session.

You've got to go to at least two.

I think way more.

By the time I've figured out whatever my problems are, I could have purchased 600 literally hundreds of tracksuits.

Well, most people.

Actually, you know what?

You're kind of making me rethink going to therapy.

Of course.

It's a fucking purchase, dude.

You're buying shit.

Damn.

Retail therapy works, dude.

You could have

skip fucking therapy this week and just go buy a PlayStation game.

Damn, that'll be good.

There's this shit called Monster Hunter that I think people are into.

I have no idea what it is.

What's the other game that everyone's addicted to right now?

Grand Theft Auto Stops P-Night.

What kind of fucking question is that?

Grand Theft Auto Stops P-Night.

Fortnite?

Yeah, that's the game everyone's not heard of.

I don't know what it is.

You don't see the memes and kids talking about it, punching each other and stuff.

No, I'm I'm not sure.

I'm not on the internet like that, like you are, Bishop.

You got to talk into the microphone.

Sorry, my I would love to delete your memory card, Adam.

My cousin deleted my memory card for Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 when it was an Activision game and they were about to drop the new Spider-Man vision game.

So if you beat the whole game,

they let a couple of Indian guys make it, and it's not as good as it used to be.

Hell yes.

Good ass riff.

Good ass riff alert.

Hell yeah.

You are entering the good ass riff zone.

Welcome to the zone, baby.

I'm gay.

What is this place?

My god,

why is everybody so racist in here?

It's a good ass riff zone.

It's a good riff zone.

Only good riffs are allowed in me.

But

I don't know what riffing is.

I sound like this because I have autism.

Ooh, ooh.

Yeah.

Wow, that sounds scary.

It does sound scary.

Damn, I have autism.

I'm glad we have that as an option to do that.

Dude, I can't wait to get a fucking, just a fucking, some different shit, dude.

Voice modulators.

Yeah, sound effects.

I was actually going to get.

A board.

There's like a.

Who is your daddy and what does he do?

I don't want to know.

Not a soundboard.

Well,

I can make soundboards.

pretty easily.

I have the ability to make soundboards and just plug the iPad in and fucking.

We got to sell StaviBot, dude.

Yeah, I gotta.

Once that new computer comes, I'll fucking take a look at it and figure out why it's not running anymore and then put that on the App Store for people.

I emailed a shirt guy today, so we should have t-shirts.

Fuck yes.

Yeah, I'll get a quote on that.

And then

I got a website going.

We can compare quickly.

The shirts you got are nice, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We should talk.

He's a good one.

Yeah.

We'll do that.

Okay.

Well,

we've done enough for this episode.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

With a computer, you mean?

Yeah, it was definitely fucking distracting.

I feel like this was hard for you.

Should we hire

a lady with big hands?

Incorrect.

To be the producer?

We don't need to hire anybody to do anything.

We'll probably just go back to using the Zoom

because

this doesn't really, I mean, it saves me a little bit of time.

Yeah, but not even that much.

Yeah,

not really worth it.

But thanks for listening, everybody, and have a good night.

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