Ep. 86 – Go Back to Africa

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Hard.

Check, check, hard.

Check, check.

Check, check.

Make

pussy to win.

Check.

Check.

I'm all about

dribble, gobble, pussy, check.

Getting good levels now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, because everybody complained about the professionalism of our podcast.

I guess, something like that.

We should get a fucking producer, dude.

No, we shouldn't.

Yeah, some guy we make fun of.

Scott Super Storch.

Oh, super producer Scott Storch?

Of course.

Yeah.

We got the money now.

We should hire Storch.

He's trying to work.

He's broke.

No, no, he's doing a comeback now.

I follow him on Instagram.

Yeah, of course he'd say that on his Instagram.

No, he's like working with big rappers.

Because they all fucking owe him

cocaine.

No, he's not into Coke or yachts anymore.

He's got his priorities.

But he does smoke weed in the mall now.

Nice.

That's like his new thing.

Like those guys at IKEA.

He's like, I'm at Saks.

Yeah, I love those guys at IKEA.

Hell yeah.

The grandpa and like the

like five 15-year-olds that he hangs out with and wears the same t-shirt as.

That's pretty tight.

Yeah, that's great.

Is this the podcast or reach second line?

No, it started.

Oh, nice.

It did?

It did?

Hell yeah.

Oh, shit.

I love pussy.

Well, hey, guys, I'm back.

Adam's back, everyone.

I'm back from Africa coming in with a more global perspective.

More worldly perspective?

Yeah, Yeah, it's really great to get out of this country.

What do you think about that, Nick?

Nick doesn't like vacation.

Yeah, I'm not much of a vacation.

What's going on, man?

You're trying to set a timer, so.

Oh, I see.

He's stressed out about going to the gym.

Nah, that's just a bunch of shit.

Then I get a spot after.

Yeah, I'm warmed up today.

We're at the stand tonight.

They're at the station.

No one will hear this plug because

we're going right after the show, and we won't post it.

Yeah.

This will go up when at midnight?

Probably.

Probably in like a couple weeks.

Yeah, probably tomorrow afternoon.

Late tomorrow night.

When people are freaking out.

I was getting messages in Africa about like, where the fuck is the podcast, you fucking bug piece of shit.

Yeah, dude.

It was Adam's fault, guys.

I'm at dinner with my parents right now.

It was Adam's fault.

He stopped.

He tried to hack Nick's computer.

Yeah.

So they put in some malware.

Yeah.

I tried buying that new iMac again.

What What happened?

Your card did not.

Micro Center had it for $1,000 off.

He told me, yeah.

Yeah.

So even if you bought it, you could sell it immediately and make like $500.

Did you buy it?

No, I called and they said, because the problem is my card, I can't spend more than $3,500.

That's hilarious.

Yeah.

And I can't get a credit card because my credit is shit.

Really?

Yeah.

I think you could probably get a credit card at this point.

I tried today.

You tried today?

Yeah, my credit's fucked up.

I don't know what the fuck it is, but you're a bank guy, dude?

No.

You need me to come through in a nice suit.

No, I just.

My client, Nicholas, would like a credit card, please.

I can't, I can't.

I have a secure credit card with a $500 limit.

Like a fucking teenager.

Yeah, you have to do it.

Like a rich 12-year-old.

You have to pay them the money first, and then that's your credit limit, is the amount of money that you give them up front.

What's a bank account, basically?

It's a bank account with a deposit, and then you still get charged interest.

You like pay them to.

It's a fucking scam.

How's that the only credit?

That's how you and like ex-cons get their credit back.

I don't know what the fuck happened to my credit that it's such shit.

I mean, I have.

Did you have some electric bills from Texas that you didn't pay for?

I didn't.

I fucking paid them.

There was like some

shady like collections agency that said I owed, but as soon as I disputed it, they removed it from my credit report.

There's got to be a credit czar that can help you with this.

I'm not really worried about it, but anyways, they said I could pay with a check, and I went to go pay with a check, and then I get there, and they're like, oh, you can't pay with a check.

I'm sorry, dude.

Hey, listen.

You ever need to buy a computer?

Call your boy.

I'll come through with the Chase fucking

Sapphire rewards.

No, no, let me come through.

What's your credit limit?

It's big.

It's good, yeah.

What is it?

What do you got?

I know mine.

What's yours?

10.

Well, then mine's more than that, because I've had it longer than you.

What do you mean?

I've had the card longer than you.

I'm a Chase Sapphire.

Do they upped it for you?

Yeah.

How often do they up it?

I don't know.

I just got it for South Africa because if you buy flights on it, they give you

triple points, my dear.

Yeah, absolutely.

Or quadruple points.

Something like that.

Double points for restaurants.

Yeah.

And you got to spend.

Listen, guys, we're talking about rich people problems right now.

Well,

I got that card when I was broke as shit.

I lied about how much money I was making.

I lied too.

And I got it when I was broke as shit so that I could get those rewards and go to Greece.

I've been declined for every fucking card I've ever applied for.

How's that possible?

I don't know.

He's mean on the phone.

No, but I apply.

That's what he needs to do.

No, it's because I have

job history.

I've never had a loan.

Never had any credit whatsoever, huh?

Yeah.

I guess my credit's okay from student loans because I pay those every month.

I have really good credit.

I don't know how the fuck it happened.

Probably because the banks all fear and respect me.

Don't they know that you're an immigrant, though?

You should have bad credit.

That's why.

I go in, and I'm like, ever since my family came here from Ellis Island.

Yeah, you're wearing the newsboy cap?

I'm wearing a little newsboy cap.

You look like Fival.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fival goes

to the pussy store.

What's wrong, buddy?

You seem down.

Michael's exhausted.

No, I haven't been sleeping well.

Oh, no.

I was getting some melatonin or something.

I don't know what it is, but I can't get more than like three or four hours of sleep.

Really?

Same here, but that's just because I'm gelagged as fuck right now.

I shipped my tooth yesterday.

Uh-huh.

Which one?

This is in the front.

It's barely noticeable.

Did we get insurance any of us for this year?

I don't have insurance.

I don't know.

None of us did it.

I don't have insurance.

What are we going to do?

I'm going to a dentist in Jersey.

My friend's uncle's a dentist, and I'm hoping he'll hook it up and give me a fix up this fucked up tooth.

I think there's a hole at the top of it now.

I think my $40 root canal is starting to fill it.

Yeah, I don't think filling your tooth with caulk would be

a good solution.

I went to the accountant today.

I'm all paid up.

No, no.

No taxes?

Well,

I did all the estimated payments, so I should be all right.

Oh, are those due?

Fuck.

I I should get it.

Did you make any payments at all this year?

I've been making payments.

To the state and

yeah, then you're fine.

Yeah.

No, I did not.

I'm about to get fucked up.

You're going to get fucked in the ass.

Big time.

But it's not.

I'm not going to.

There's no penalty.

I thought there would be.

There's a little bit of a penalty.

No, no, there's no penalty for individuals.

They recommend you make quarterly payments, but there's no penalty.

Whatever, man.

Who cares?

All right, so Bitch.

No, there's absolutely.

No, there's no penalty.

I talked to an accountant.

If you just don't pay anything, I mean,

if you make quarterly estimated payments,

you, by definition, have a business if you're getting paid as an independent contractor.

Sole proprietor.

Sure.

So, yeah, you have.

If you're getting them 1099s, my bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So

if you made a bunch of money last year and you owed estimated quarterlies last year, and then the next year you're projected to make the same amount and you don't make those payments, then

there will be a penalty.

You can avoid it if you

make some kind of payment.

I mean, it's not that big of a deal.

well, I don't understand, but you get $10.99.

I'll just figure it out on April.

Let's put it this way:

you made $50,000 off just the podcast last year.

Did I?

Yeah.

Nice.

More than that, actually.

But don't tell them that.

So

if you didn't pay anything on that, you're going to get fucked up.

Oh, my God.

Gawk.

Gawk.

That's Uncle Sam's red, white, and blue cock.

Off the break, you owe like

15% on that.

And

the shaft shaft is white.

Yeah, yeah,

I think I can cover it.

He dipped his cock in raspberry sauce.

It's kind of, yeah, whatever.

And white is the regular color of his dick.

So let's talk about...

Balls are blue because he hasn't fucked you yet, but he will fuck you.

I'm getting scared, guys.

I don't want to go 15th.

Are they going to throw me to jail?

Yeah, you're going to the Jew jail.

That would be so sick if I went to jail and then had to do with possibly snipers through the...

through the phone.

I don't go to jail so I don't have to do CrossFit anymore.

You know what I'm going to favor CrossFit?

Jail is just one big CrossFit.

I love those gyms that are like

boot camp for fucking accountants or whatever, and it's like someone will scream at you because you're too much of a piece of shit to do push-ups on your own.

You, a man with zero fucking willpower that

can never change anything you're about to do.

Are you talking about me specifically?

I'll spend money until...

I would love to spend money until my problems are solved.

I have no willpower whatsoever.

When I was at home with my little brother, he would put me through fun-ass workouts, and I was down, but I can't do it myself.

Does it smell like cat shit?

Yeah, the cat shit is shit on the floor right next to me.

Yeah, I see it.

Oh, fuck.

Right under the Christmas tree, which is still up.

Yeah.

Well, we got the Christmas tree late, so

it's well, that's it'll be fine.

That's like a nice little present.

The Christmas tree will be fine until probably leave it up until like April, May.

On 420.

We'll come out, we'll smoke the whole Christmas tree.

Yeah, dude.

I believe it was Phyllis.

You should.

so Adam, what do you think?

We're thinking about replacing you with Ian.

What do you think?

I think we're done with Ian.

I've never been enough of Ian.

Yeah.

Why would you replace?

I thought we were the guy.

Maybe somebody else then.

Ian's too tragic of a figure to conceive.

Are you guys mean to him?

His life is.

The fun part about being mean to me is that my life has been kind of not that bad.

No, there's a lot of.

No, it's fun to make.

Ian's life has actually been hard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you're still just because you're, you know, your life is is good.

You and Ian look very similar.

No, you're both

big noses.

Yeah.

First of all, I'm the most attractive person on the podcast.

If

that's established, if Ian could, if you could grow a mustache, you would look exactly like Ian.

Unfortunately, you lack the testosterone to be able to grow any kind of facial hair.

You have a better facial hair.

You have to keep better.

You have three pubes that grow sparsely out of your face.

Ian has

like a young girl's vagina.

All right.

You have like an 11-year-old's vagina on your face.

It's great to be back.

It's great to be back.

You do have some pussy cheeks.

You do have some young pussy cheeks.

Yeah, okay.

I do not look like what yet.

You try to cover up your acne scars or the beard, but you'll never be able to do it.

No, actually, I can get my acne scars fixed.

It's called a process called microdermabrasion.

Really?

Yeah.

If I go to a dermatologist

through your tiny skin.

Microdermabrasion.

That's how they fix your dick skin?

That's how they fix

my scarring, my small amount of scarring from acne.

Do you have dick acne scars?

How about micro sperm abrasion where we make fun of your small dick?

That's good.

Are we bad?

Is this mean?

Is Nick in a bad...

You were in a great place before I left.

And now the man runs three errands and it's all about it.

No, you asked us to make fun of you.

You just said it's better to make fun of me than Ian's.

I didn't say please make me.

You said please make fun of me.

I said it's meaner to make fun of Ian.

No, you're not.

I was being gracious.

You were worried that you might lose your spot on the show, so you directed us to make fun of you.

I'm not worried that I'll lose my spot on the show.

Also, this is in response to your arrogance.

What arrogance?

Oh, fuck off.

You brought this on yourself.

You're good for me.

Life is good.

You're a black hole of arrogance.

I'm a fucking, I'm a god among men.

I never said fun of me is hilarious because in reality, I have it all.

I don't have it all.

That's what you said.

I started going on lavish trips to Africa with my family.

It wasn't really.

Paying for everyone.

Yeah.

You paid for your whole family's flight.

I did not.

You guys were staying in a palatial estate built by slaves, by the way.

How is that my grandmother's?

Built by slaves.

It wasn't built by slaves.

There was no slavery there.

Yes, there was.

There was something called apartheid.

Yep.

Get it right.

Which your grandfather did the books for.

My grandfather was not an accountant.

He did the books for apartheid.

No, he didn't.

Like a certain company, we know.

Yeah.

A company that was not owned by Jews, funnily enough.

Yes, it was.

Jews did the Holocaust.

That's not fucking bad.

That's why we need to kill them.

That's right.

They do shit.

They did the Holocaust.

Like, save the other Jews.

Right, exactly.

Well, the good ones that they killed, they replaced.

The Jews that live now aren't the Jews that existed before the Holocaust.

The Jews that died in the Holocaust were the good Jews.

Interesting.

And these new people are interlopes.

Oh, this is good.

They're imposters.

That's good theory.

You actually are pro-Jew here.

You're just anti the new Jew imposters.

Right, exactly.

That perpetrated the Holocaust.

He's anti-survived.

He's the people that died in the Holocaust.

No, no, he loves survivors.

Shut the fuck up.

You're pro-Parishers.

All the people that died in the Holocaust were black.

They were those black, the black Israelites.

Oh, they black Israelites.

Yeah.

Wow.

I didn't know that.

So are all the people who are in the colours.

Of course you didn't know that, you fucking idiot.

Are all the Holocaust pictures like photo negatives?

Are they photo negatives?

What the fuck?

What?

Are all the pictures from the Holocaust the photo negatives then?

Well, that's why those guys all look so sinewy

and low body fat.

The truth is, they have that fast twitch muscle.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, they're really thin.

They're not.

Those are all just jacked children.

Jesus Christ.

This is just very low body fat.

Good at dunking children.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Well, that's, I mean, I love learning new fucking facts.

And I was not aware of that.

I love saying them.

I love saying facts to people.

I got to say, I will say, I'm Chet, you know, I will admit when I was wrong.

I've been saying Jews were the victims of the Holocaust this whole time, but now I know they did it.

Yeah, this guy on the bus explained the whole thing to me.

Was he a professor?

I miss getting bus advice.

That's probably the best part about being a teenager: getting advice from people on the bus.

They were trying to molest you secretly.

Yeah.

Now, I just remember

there was like this fucking old black guy one time that was like, just telling me something about he's like thing is man is a pussy comes and goes you know but money

same thing

and it's like

it's like is that I don't understand what the point you're making yeah there was no third thing yeah there was no but this thing yeah

God

is always there yeah I love the guys that are vulgar and try and like turn you to God at the end

oh yeah I like those guys yeah they say cuss words that roommate I had when I was living in that SRO had that black guy that would come over and they would do Bible study together at night.

Yes,

the black guy would use the N-word while discussing the Bible.

I love it.

That's great stuff, man.

Have you seen the pastor that curses?

That's good.

He's like a fat black guy.

Is that like Christian Rock?

It's so much better than Christian Rock.

It's just like some fat black guy, and he's like, and he does a response video to people.

Like, why is the pastor talking that way?

Is there Christian anime?

Ooh.

That's got to exist.

That's good.

Is the hero Jesus every time?

No, it's allegorical.

I would watch Christian anime with like St.

John the Baptist, and he's got big eyes.

How long do you think it takes before Brandon Wardell is talking about Christian anime?

Now that we've seen five minutes, yeah, interesting.

What did he do, Honey?

I blew the kids the other day.

Yeah, no, but he texted me because

someone was like, Come Town did this.

He was like, Did you guys do this?

I was like, Yeah, and he took it down.

Oh, cool.

Interesting.

Yeah, very interesting.

I mean,

it is a very hard, nuanced-ass joke to come come up with.

Like, my dick.

It's a smart joke.

My dick is hard.

Nuanced.

Is that another word for small?

New ass.

No.

New assed.

No.

Hard and nuanced.

My dick is really nuanced.

My dick is nuanced.

It's really nice.

My dick is subtle.

That's the way to talk about your small dick.

Saying it's a very subtle dick.

It's not for.

Listen, if you're one of these fucking, you know, low-culture, big dick-loving whores, you're not going to go for my dick.

Yeah, yeah.

But if you're smart and you understand art,

you know,

you've read

a lot of books of

a good author.

Yeah, you've read.

I can't think of one.

Dr.

Seuss.

Tolstoy.

Tolstoy.

Yeah,

who wrote The Giver.

My friend's favorite book.

That guy's good, bro.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, you've read The Giver.

Ralph

Ellison.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ralph all those guys.

No, no.

No, no, we know you.

Yeah.

I just want to tell the story.

You could tell the story.

Nah, I don't want it.

Who's what?

Walter Strawsky, the comedian.

His favorite books on Facebook

are like One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and The Giver.

The Giver was like where it topped out.

And I got to say, The Giver is like sixth grade reading low.

Oh, shit, bro.

It was like assigned reading up until the age you can have sex.

And he hit like 12, and he's like, yo, I'm done.

Yeah, I'm not reading that.

I'm not reading the jacket.

You know, yo.

I'm about to fuck these whores.

I'm about to get, I'm about to be responsible for somebody's first abortion, yo.

But yeah, if you're one of those ladies,

check out my subtle ass dick.

I like that euphemism for

about.

It's It's like some old man that

colors are.

Yeah, the big thing is the kid sees colors.

But it's about sex.

It's like the same thing as Pleasantville, right?

I think they kill old people or something.

It's the same thing as Pleasantville.

So like the old man molests the young boy.

Right, that's how he sees color.

Yeah.

Every time someone comes in your ass, you see.

Right, the mom in Pleasantville comes, she like jacks off, and then she can see colors.

Jacking off is the secret to colors.

That's why if you're colorblind, if you get molested, fixes it right up.

That's a good point.

If Pleasantville meant anything.

If you, yeah.

It's people,

you know, people think you put on those weird little glasses and that fixes it.

Nope.

What glasses?

There's glasses that make you not colorblind.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Or at least there's a viral video that I saw that did that.

Was it Square, the aspect rage?

Like, was it like one of those Facebook

games?

And And like, up top, it said, like, you won't believe it.

Yeah, yeah, like, there's the bottom is like a bunch of fire emojis.

Yeah.

100.

So, what happens if we see put those on?

Do we get extra color?

Hmm?

Because you know, there's more colors that our brain can't even fuck with.

Yeah.

There's like fucking starfish and other kinds of animals that see wild animals.

Do starfish see anything?

They don't have eyes.

Well, there's like an aquatic thing or something.

There's something that would catch you off guard.

A shrimp, says Amber.

A shrimp.

Shrimp shrimp so they can see other colors?

You can see some fucked up animals can't see.

Slash green, slash, pink shit.

The same thing as noises you can't hear.

It's just

a spectrum of frequencies.

How does that happen, dude?

What do you mean?

And also, there's people who are.

X-rays are technically.

I know, so someone can see X-rays.

Ultraviolet light.

Fuck yeah.

Infrared light.

It's all just.

Snakes see infrared, right?

Yeah.

That's tight.

Vipers.

They're sick.

They're like,

I'm not a rattlesnake anymore.

You're a viper?

You're a viper.

Puerto Rican Viper?

Cool, dude.

It's the same thing, but more tracksuits.

Puerto Rican Viper.

Sav and I accidentally bought the same tracksuit without telling each other.

It's pretty cool.

I want to get that Nike.

There's a Nike one that I like.

I'm thinking.

Is it

taped on the side?

Taped?

Yeah, that's what these are called.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's called tape.

I like it.

You got the same one, but

it's green.

I got too many Adidas tracksuits.

Yeah.

I just bought the pants for these.

Oh, you're going to see me just dripping sauce in that Hunter Green shit soon, baby.

I really like the green one.

Well, you mean literally?

Yes, marinara will be

coming off my lips when you see me.

The way you christen the tracksuit is by having a big Italian dinner and then hitting your wife.

I have to get married.

I saw a Chinese guy beating his wife outside of Best Buy this morning.

This morning?

This morning, yeah.

What?

Wow.

Well, at first I thought it was two.

I stopped next.

I thought it was two Chinese men.

So I stopped.

Let the fellas figure it out.

As soon as people realized it was a woman, they were like, what are you doing?

Because he wasn't swinging at her.

He was just sort of shaking her around.

People are like, stop.

And then she took off.

She threw a smoke bomb down.

Well, it was funny.

There wasn't

so clear and she disappeared.

There was a moment of like,

you know,

this is just how they settle disputes.

Yeah, it's cultural.

What do you think?

Karate?

Yeah, they love fighting.

They love combat.

That's right.

Before you break it up,

as long as they're the same belt in China, you could do domestic disputes.

But if she's a yellow belt, he's a blue belt.

Yeah, that's unfair.

Also, I don't know what she did.

Maybe she's like fucked up and had a daughter or something.

I read today.

I would be pissed.

The discrepancy.

My Chinese wife had a daughter.

I saw

60 million.

I think what you're talking about is a viral video that Russ Green reposted.

I think it was Russ Green.

He didn't read shit.

60 million.

Damn, China.

No, it's not.

Instead of killing your daughters, you got a place you can send them.

Adam's house.

That's a charity where he adopts every little Chinese girl.

He raises them for good honorable reasons.

Oh, don't worry about that.

There's 60 million more men than women, which is like...

What are they going to do now?

Start fucking.

Just put them in the army, dude.

Make them super soldiers.

We're fucked, dude.

Yes, no, they would just be regular soldiers.

Nah, dude.

No, but they're horny, dude.

They don't come from NOFAP.

Yeah, those guys are going to be fucking so horned up because they've never fucked.

They've never fucked.

That they're going to become super soldiers, and then China is going to really fucking run.

Or make them do the fusion dance from Dragon Ball Z What is that?

Where two guys become one even more powerful guy.

Oh it's called

gay sex.

It's called the fusion dance.

It's called gay sex also It's called yeah gay sex.

It's that one guy's dick is in it.

He's just on his back with his dick inside of him and he's shooting a gun.

It's just like

don't ruin the end of Call Me By Your Name for people if you haven't seen it.

They fucking go super sick.

Did you see it?

Did you see it, guys?

I saw it.

I thought it was good.

I'm not interested.

No one cares what you thought.

I'm not interested.

Did you think it was good?

Homosexual.

You loved it.

Nick loved it.

Well, actually, I know that because Joshua was telling me, he's like, yeah, Nick's been texting me about calling me by your name because he doesn't want to admit to you and stopped and he loved it.

I said it on the podcast.

Did you?

Of course, you don't pay attention to anybody.

I haven't been here for three weeks.

No, you didn't see it when I was going.

Yeah, I did.

I think

you didn't seen it.

You definitely saw it after New Year's.

Yeah.

Yeah, I thought it was pretty good.

So wait, wait, wait.

For real, though, what are they going to start bussing in different kinds of Asians?

I don't know what they're going to do.

Are they going to start bussing in Taiwanese?

Are they going to invade other countries?

They love buses.

It's true.

They'll just

use the Atlantic City buses.

Oh, fuck.

Maybe they'll do a program where they trade the fucking wisdom.

You get an old American wife if they lose enough money.

Remember that Atlantic City bus that crashed in Queens last year?

Did you watch that video?

I do not remember that.

I remember that.

It was going like 60 miles per hour and like a 30.

I think we were doing the podcast at that point.

And it was like

hit

an underpass or something, right?

No, it hit a flush.

It was a metro bus.

Oh, right, right.

Yeah.

The driver died, but no one else.

I can't imagine that.

No, a couple of people died.

I can't imagine, like, six people died.

I can't imagine

taking a bus to Atlantic City, and that's how you die.

Yeah.

That's got to be a problem.

Those people are better off

than the life they were living.

One of the guys that died was like...

Some like Ukrainian guy.

It was like it's like a couple weeks after his 60th birthday or something.

And it was his first day.

He was like, I'm going to go on morning walks for exercise.

And it was like his first day going out for exercise.

And again,

the dangers of exercise.

The dangers of exercise, brother.

God damn it.

Blam.

Adam West Batman

visuals.

You get fucking

early death.

You get it.

Your child's an orphan.

Meet the same fate as Ian's father.

Come on.

He's not here.

I know.

It's so sad.

I know it is.

It is is pretty sad, yeah.

Get smashed.

Getting smashed like pianos, like a fucking Looney Tune.

Yeah.

I think I made that piano accordion joke.

Piano accordion.

You know, accordion.

I used to think piano because they got the keys.

You know, it's like a foldable piano is what an accordion is.

Did they used to drop anvils?

Like, was that a thing that people did in real life?

No.

No, I just think it was the heaviest thing.

Yeah, they're just heavy as shit.

They didn't drop them out of planes or something, like, before bombs were invented.

Yeah, what they used to do is drop them.

Drop heavy, heavy things.

Yeah, they definitely invented planes before bombs.

Did they?

Yeah, no, they didn't.

Yeah,

you're for sure right.

Sorry, I didn't know.

Somehow they skipped explosives and went right to internal combustion engines and the ability to fly.

It makes sense to me.

I love flight, dude.

If I could fly, I would be like nice.

What about you guys?

I smoked loud on the plane.

Did you?

Back from South Africa.

On the plane?

Yeah.

You had that little pipe.

I had the pen.

What would you do if they pulled you over?

Take me back to Africa?

Take you back to Africa.

Whatever, dude.

Did you stay?

Yeah, political prisoner.

How come you didn't get me a mask?

Like, I asked.

Did you ask?

I have an extra mask if you want to.

It's on record.

I asked for a mask.

Okay, I got you

on a mask.

I got a mask that turns you green.

I thought that

from the accountant's office today.

What'd you get?

Stole a bunch of

Snickers minis from

the banks.

Thanks, bro.

Yeah.

I got you on a mask.

What the fuck?

What about me?

I got you on a

textile men's,

what do you call it?

Sarong.

Like a Zulu men's sarong.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

100.

I forgot to bring it.

I was going to bring it actually for you.

Fuck.

That'd be awesome.

I missed you guys, dude.

That trip was too long.

I was with my family for too long.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was like

going on family vacation at 30 is like not.

You shouldn't do it.

Of course not.

Why the fuck would you?

That was a wild.

It was fun.

I mean, it was a really cool place to go, but I saw you fucked some penguins.

Dude, I hung out with penguins.

Are those the penguins from the cereal box?

Puffins.

They were African penguins, though.

I don't know if they were from

Puffins.

The Fruit Loops.

Yeah, they had a whole Club Penguin.

Yeah, no, that was amazing.

I wonder if you put like a toucan around a bunch of penguins if the penguins would assume the toucan is gay.

A gay.

Yeah, because

he's too flashy.

It's so incredible to see how.

Like, don't let the toucan around the children.

We can't let two cans be teachers.

For Christ's sake.

They shouldn't be allowed to have their own eggs.

It's incredible

to see how retarded they are at walking and how incredible they are at swimming.

Penguins?

Yeah.

They like walk so slow and stupid and then when they get

you with watching you try to podcast and then also after that watching you try to be gay.

Yeah, I know.

I'm not comfortable being gay yet.

I know I'm a you dive into a man's mind.

You made a podcast.

No, no, he meant the other way.

He meant the other way.

Clearly.

No, he did not.

But yeah, we should, I mean, it would have been tight if we went on the

African.

But here's what we should do.

Why are you saying fucking Africa?

Here's what we should do.

We should book a fucking trip.

We should do a show in London and maybe even Amsterdam.

And then we go to Greece.

That's a fucking big dick maneuver.

Dosha.

He put a lot of thought into this.

I just thought of this today.

I was talking to George.

He's like, let's go.

You were like, people want us to go to George.

Why is George involved?

No, I'm just talking to George.

I'm thinking out loud because he wants to go to Greece.

And I'm like, hey, you know, it'll be fucking tight.

Yeah.

Get the boys.

And listen, come over to Greece, meet the fucking.

We go Easton, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, yeah,

York, Pennsylvania.

Trenton.

Yeah.

Trenton, New Jersey.

Yeah.

That's the capital.

York, Harrisburg.

Oh, I'm going to go to the one town.

Wolfsborough.

Scranton.

Scranton.

Oh, yeah.

Get my dick sucked.

We do.

We tour the entire United States.

Tam is there.

Yeah.

She's still there.

The whole United States.

Where's the baby?

Where's Pittsburgh?

State College.

The suburbs of Philadelphia.

Where's the little league?

Where's the little league?

Sherryville, New Jersey.

Princeton.

Voorhees, New Jersey.

Where's the Little League

World Series?

Isn't it in Cooperstown?

In your bedroom.

I thought so.

In front of the camera on the tripod.

I deserve that.

I deserve that.

You've got to be more careful.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

With your pedophilic tendencies.

Because now everyone knows you fuck the whole Little League World Series, both teams.

It's in Pennsylvania, I'm pretty sure.

Isn't it in Cooperstown?

No.

I think it's somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Bro, all I'm saying is, let's go get some bangers and mash.

Okay.

In Lundress.

In London.

In London.

In London Town.

Towney.

Let's fucking put on one of those big hats.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's pants those guys.

Those guys have to fuck in that outfit, right?

For sure.

The Buckingham Palace cards?

They get to take that hat home, don't they?

Or do they have to check in at the palace?

The Marge Simpson hats?

You're not allowed to keep it after

you're done with your service.

Why not?

You know, it's like an M16.

You have to give it back.

I used to think, for the longest time, I thought that if you were in the army, you got to keep all your guns after you had to.

Yo, honestly.

Like into adulthood, I thought.

Can I be honest?

It's like, well, what's the fucking point of joining the army then if you don't get to keep the machine gun at the end?

That's funny because I never thought about it enough to realize you don't get to keep the guns.

But you get to keep the uniform, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you keep the uniform.

Then they probably keep the hat.

The fucking Buckingham.

Those hats seem expensive.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're like eight of those Jew hats stacked up.

I know.

And those are expensive.

I wonder how much one of those big fucking hats cost.

What do you think they're made of?

Fur?

Ooh, fuck.

Really?

What do you think?

I mean, I guess it's the feathers.

It's the fucking.

It's the Queen's guards.

They gotta be fucking decked out.

I guess so.

I have no respect for the Royals.

Shut up, bitch.

I don't.

That's my political position.

Shut up with your fucking DSA political opinions.

No, I'm not in the DSA anymore.

I quit.

I got a girlfriend.

I think you give a fuck about royals.

I got a girlfriend.

I don't need a girl.

I'm in the Burger King Kids Club.

Do you remember that there was like a black kid that had the visor?

Like the guy from Star Trek?

I've talked about this 800 times.

Yeah, never mind.

DJ Kid.

Or was it the white kid that had the vision?

And there's no further visit.

He's like from the future.

Yeah, we've talked about this.

What the fuck is this?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, we're halfway through, so we're going to take a break here and we'll be back in a minute.

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Yep, that's right.

Take Blake Bortles and the Jags and take

the Vikings.

Oh, these are your picks?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

See that?

Sure.

I think those are the fashion picks.

I take Patriots and I take.

No, fuck.

Who's playing the.

You can't go against Blake.

You can't go against Bortles Mania, dude.

He, like, what?

He threw like 100 and fucking haters.

Haters.

These are all things things you should bet on on the website that just

we just talked about.

That maybe

just me just talked about.

I don't know yet.

Yeah, probably too.

Yeah.

Here's a little secret about radio:

which is not what I'm doing, by the way.

Yes.

Sometimes

things are said in different orders.

Yeah.

The magic, a sleight of hand.

We haven't even, the first episode you guys have already of this podcast ever,

we haven't even recorded it yet.

You've listened to it already, but it's pretty cool, dude.

Yeah, this was recorded

in 2014.

We record this podcast at CERN.

They use that fucking time machine that they built.

Every episode costs $86 billion.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's why we're not really making any money.

It seems like the Patreon's doing well, but we're barely covering our expenses.

Yeah, between

the particle accelerator and the throne.

Gran Turismo racing wheel.

And constantly getting reconstructive surgery on Adam's asshole after he gets fucked every weekend by huge-ass dicks.

That's true.

I can't be shitting my pants constantly on a podcast.

I don't have any.

I need to get it tightened.

I don't have any betting advice because I guess

the bottom is falling out on crypto.

Yeah, yeah.

Nick, are you going to issue an official apology?

I didn't, no, because I never told people.

I said, anybody who asked me, anybody who asked me after Ripple went past a dollar, I said, don't buy.

Because no one ever said it was supposed to be worth more than a dollar.

But, yeah, because Tim Dylan asked me, and I told him exactly that.

And the same thing with Racine.

Racine seems like he put his whole life straight into it.

$3, when it hit $3, I said on Instagram, you should get out before

the whole thing collapses.

I like you pretending like you know anything about cryptocurrency.

Yeah, you got to buy anything that happens in the market.

You got to buy the dip.

That's what's going on right now.

It's dipping.

Fuck crypto.

I don't give a fuck.

I never gave a fuck.

I never gave a fuck.

But Racine is getting into investments right now, and it's really funny.

Yeah, it is.

We were at Costco, him and me, and he was talking about how he really likes Fila tracksuits.

And he's like, Yeah, you know, like, we should probably invest in Fila.

Like, I think that was his hot tip because they're coming back.

Yeah.

I like the people who confuse shopping with investing.

Yeah, exactly.

Yo, that's one of me.

I have no fucking idea what investing is.

Yeah.

And I'm keeping it that way.

All my money is in a brown paper bag under my fucking mattress, the way it should be.

Yeah, a way to tell the federal government that it's.

Yeah, dude, maybe it's called

a red hair.

The federal government tomorrow, what both of you made last year.

That's my job.

Can you you tell him love?

No, because then I owe that fucking.

Whatever, man.

So be a pal about it.

Just be a pal to us.

No.

Be a pal to us.

Whatever.

Nick, where would you be without us?

We're your best friends.

Be a pal about it, baby.

Learn how to deduct things.

I deduct all the time.

I deduct my pride constantly.

You don't have any pride.

No, I deducted it.

He's talking about

going to those Korean jack-off salons in Chinatown and having his ego stroked as deducting his pride.

Yeah, he does that off the forest.

First of all, you know, when he said he got a happy ending, it was just so we wouldn't be like, You're good at podcasting.

Yeah, you're not the worst one on Clark.

And you know what?

You know what?

I had a small tear go down my cheek when that beautiful angel.

That's a hand finished on your face.

Yeah, that wasn't tears.

A man was squirting on you.

Cute guys.

Yeah.

And squirts.

No, it was diarrhea.

It was diarrhea.

It was clear diarrhea.

Yeah, he's an anal squirt.

He's got a crystal Pepsi of shit.

He puts a little caro syrup in his ass, and then he just squirts it out.

Fuck.

Yeah, I mean, I want to invest.

I want to take down the Anglos,

you know?

What are those?

That's non-ethnic words.

The British?

No, no, no.

That's people like Nick.

Oh, yeah.

That's the man.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a Mediterranean American.

Yeah.

I'm an Eastern European.

Nah, we don't want, we're not interested in having you in the coalition.

What do you mean?

I'm not Anglo?

Yeah, but you know what you are i'm technically not anglo nah but you are irish yeah what is that it's everyone

british is albernian nah man everyone it's not european

you know

anglos white guys why don't you just identify with bald people yeah why why does well it's just because i have i'm just having bald

glasses and bad teeth and overweight you mean people you mean people who what was the last one overweight with bad teeth and uh

yeah well first number one i choose to cut my hair short.

Number two, sure, this is some unfortunate.

You look like a Truth.com ad about candy.

Is that the cigarette?

Here's the truth.

It's delicious.

That's the truth you need to know about candy.

Truth.com always tried to make it sound cool not to smoke cigarettes.

They get like rap kind of people.

It is cool not to smoke cigarettes.

That's swung back around, I think.

Yeah, I guess so.

You're a bitch if you smoke cigarettes.

It's cool to smoke now.

No, it's not cool to smoke in the 90s.

No, I don't think it's cool.

Now it's cool cool again.

A lot of people in New York smoke cigarettes.

How about this?

It's cool.

Because their posers are.

It's two months out of the year that I'm smoking.

Yeah, yeah.

It's cool when I'm on cocaine and drunk as shit.

That time it's cool.

But other than that, it's not.

You taste bad.

You know, your mouth tastes bad when you smoke ciggies.

Yeah, that's true.

You know?

Yeah.

Fuck.

Sorry, boy.

I should have drank some BCAAs during the break.

Jesus Christ.

Drinked my creatine during the break.

Big cock,

ass.

Ass.

Ass ass.

Big cock ass.

Here's a debate that's never been settled.

Do people have two asses or one?

You have one ass.

I have one ass.

No.

Two ass cheeks.

You have two cheeks.

But each one is an ass.

The whole cheeks comprise an ass.

If you have two holes, then you have two asses.

I never understood that expression.

I'm going to do it half-assed because that applies to so few things.

Half-assed means one cheek or half of two cheeks.

How would the dog wear pants?

Yes.

How would the dog

see?

No, I mean, what are you doing half?

How do you use your ass for that you could only use half of sitting in a chair?

Is that like a

harder than just regular?

Is that like plumbers?

You're going to do like a plumber because half his ass is hanging out.

They work very hard.

Yeah, they're not working, gentlemen.

No, I don't think so.

You try a day in their

work.

If you watch a plumber work, they don't work very hard.

They They don't work hard.

Do you think they know?

And they'll come very easy job.

They'll come out, they'll be like, oh, this is a fucking, you know, this is a diagnostic.

It's going to cost you $90.

Yeah, like, imagine you go into the world of like home repair.

You can do HVAC, you can be a carpenter.

You got it hangs drywall, and then you choose, like, well, I'm going to fix shit.

I'm going to, the tubes.

I mean, that sucks.

Shit tube.

I love getting some shit.

I love getting some shit square.

I love getting my shitty ass tube.

Getting my shit tube sucked all the time.

I'm a nuanced ass tube.

I got a nuanced ass tube, baby.

You know what's fun?

Calling not pussy, not only maybe, maybe it's really good pussy.

Not only is it square, it's cube.

Getting some cube.

Wow, that's three-dimensional.

Three-dimensional pussy, dude.

I love getting cube.

A tesseract hole.

Okay.

What's a tesseract?

I don't know.

Some kind of theoretical shape.

Okay.

Is it?

Yeah.

I thought that was from Marvel.

Tesseract.

What are you talking about?

No, it's a shape that has like four dimensions.

Four, yeah.

Dessera means four.

No, well, I watched Thor on the plane, and that's what Loki was trying to steal.

That's what Teresa means in Greek?

Desera.

Four.

Yeah.

So it's like.

That's the fourth

fourth dimension.

Beautiful daughter will be four for you.

Beautiful daughter.

That's what you name your daughter.

If she's ugly, she's four.

You let everyone know she's a four.

Oh, okay.

Tessera.

Yeah.

Desera.

No, Teresa, that's a different.

The R is in place of the S.

I think Tereza is a Greek you're right word name but i don't know what it means

teresa yeah i don't know what the that's a greek name is

i must

be greek yeah a lot are i guess i have a greek name i guess yeah nico yeah nico nicolaos aios nicolaos which in greek saint nick

is not santa claus it's saint basil

saint vasilios and they're both just turks saint basil is a turk that gives you presents so St.

Nick.

They're all fucking Turks.

A lot of saints are like Turks.

Oh, that's why Santa Claus has a turban.

That's right.

Yeah.

Whoa.

That's right.

Yeah.

Any other words you guys want to know in Greek?

How do you say Jew?

Evreos.

Evreos?

Evreos.

Man, this sucks.

I hate chipping my teeth.

How'd you chip it?

On a guy's dick that That was really hard?

On a barbell.

On a what?

On a barbell?

It's a gayer animal.

It's even gayer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You chipped your teeth in a barbell and CrossFit?

Oh, yeah.

Did you say to the audience that you're a CrossFit guy?

He's been talking about before you left.

Sorry, I did.

I know these things that you want to giddily laugh at like a fucking faggot.

I'm not laughing.

And you don't have to.

So we already did all that.

You don't have to gay bash,

Joe.

I've been gone.

I've been in Africa.

Stay sharp, man.

I've been an ex-stay sharp.

I've been a political refugee from this country and this government.

You should have been in Africa shadow podcasting.

How do you feel about Trump saying he weighs less than you?

Yeah.

How do you feel about that?

It's not true.

It's not true, right?

Does that piss you off?

How much does he weigh?

He said he weighs like 238 and he's 6'3.

No shot.

Which is like Tim Tebow.

No chance.

Tim Tebow is like 238.

How about him fucking the porn star from 40-year-old virgin?

I can't believe that.

It looks like he might just be mostly loose skinny.

No, he's fat.

No, he's fatter than that.

He eats McDonald's all the time.

My man is a little bit more.

He's got like a terrible diet.

238.

Sometimes fat people can be deceptively light.

I'm the opposite.

They don't have any muscle tone?

I'm the opposite because I have.

Because you've been fat your whole life.

I have large legs.

I'm very strong.

Your body's ossified.

I'm very strong.

No, that's not what's going on.

But you're very weak, though.

My upper body is weak.

My lower body is very strong.

But even for a weak, it is weaker than my lower body, but I'm still a formidable opponent.

In the ring.

In the ring.

That's right.

In the upper body.

In the onion ring, maybe.

Savannah and

I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm just eating as many onion rings as possible.

I don't like onion rings that much.

I fucking love onion rings, dude.

I don't like when they're too onion-y.

What?

Not enough batter, you mean?

I like more batter.

I like a thin shit.

Onions really are a thing that shouldn't be fried.

100%.

They don't work.

It makes no sense.

But I do love onions, and I love breading.

I love breading.

I think you go to Long John Silver's and they give you the extra trash, like the extra

shit from the deep fryer.

I've never in my life been to a Long John Silver's.

Oh, yeah.

You've got to get the biscuits.

You got to get the hush puppies.

Do they have LJ Harris?

Long John Silvers has the best fries.

No, no, that's Red Lobster.

It's got the biscuits, the cheddar biscuits.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, you fucking idiot.

Sorry.

I confused both of them.

Fuck.

Long John Silvers has the best fries.

Really?

Ooh.

Followed closely by Roy Rogers' curly fries.

I'm not a curly fry guy.

Oh, come on.

I'm a fucking traditionalist.

I love curly fries.

I like a nice fucking hand-cut, plain-ass squirrel fries.

I remember as a kid, you would have curly fries occasionally, and I wouldn't remember where they were or how I had access to them.

Cafeteria.

But anytime you would see regular fries, you'd be like, man, what about those special fries?

Yeah.

You did that one time.

I will give you that.

It did feel special.

Even me, not a huge curly fry fan,

I'd like to throw it in every once in a while.

They used to have them in my school cafeteria, and I used to fucking get stoked.

Lucky for you, man.

We had fat wedges in my school cafeteria.

Shouts out the Poly Potato Polytechnic Institute.

Yeah.

They were okay, but too potato-y for me.

Same way, you know, I like a thin, I want it crispy on all sides.

I like it uniform.

I don't like irregularities in my fries.

What makes a good fry is you cut the fries and then freeze them.

and then de-fry them after they've been frozen.

Interesting.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know about that.

I like a nice thing.

That's the way to do it.

No, you got to freeze them for it.

Greek style.

Greek restaurants have shit that's kind of.

You know, I just said I don't like the regularity, but sometimes I do like a hand.

If it's very fresh, I like it.

Not a wedge.

I just like it with a little fucking, you know, it's alive.

You know, it's not a machine, a human being.

You can feel

like it.

You can feel the energy transfer.

No, they're in-and-out burger.

They make the fries there.

They have a machine that slices the potatoes.

Okay.

And then they fry them there.

They don't get get them from like a frozen bath.

Okay.

That's why people.

That's one of the reasons why people freak out for In-N-Out burgers.

I see.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like In-N-Out.

I could, you know, but it's nothing wild.

It's not amazing.

Yeah, it's a regular-ass burger.

You know what I was saying the other day?

Red Robin.

Great burgers.

Reasonably priced.

Never been to Red Robin burgers.

We should go.

I'll go to Red Robin's burger.

We should find a red.

I have Red Robinson.

There's got to be one in Queens.

It's a suburban current.

It's possible that there's not one in Queens.

I feel like there's one near me, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, Queens is the place that has all those kind of chains.

Bro, Queens rules, it's like I'm in Astoria, and then it's like 10 minutes one way, you're like, oh, I'm just in the motherfucking city.

And then 10 minutes the other way, it's like you're in the suburbs.

There's a Home Depot, there's a guitar center, a best buy, all like a big-ass parking lot, close as shit to me.

It's weird that guitars would warrant their own center.

You know?

Yeah.

Well, they do so much more than just guitars.

But they know that that's the flashy name that's going to get people in.

Yeah, I love going there and playing with that DJ equipment because it's like you spend five minutes with it and you're like, oh, yeah, anyone could could be a DJ.

Well, so every comic now is DJ.

Who?

Everyone, Brandon.

No, I'm just saying, like, a lot of comics like DJ.

Okay, name, name two other than Brandon.

Will Winner is always DJing.

Oh, like shows.

Yeah, like friends will like, and it's, you know, is he even a comic anymore, though?

Because I only see him DJing stuff.

I think he's on shows.

I think he's on shows.

Yeah.

I don't fucking know, man.

They just do.

There's more.

There you go.

The fucking

Aziz?

Yeah, Aziz, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

He does a nice, cool, he does this really cool V technique with a turntable.

Scratching.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He does a scratch.

He's got the claw scratch.

That's how he learned how to finger, was DJing.

Yeah, man.

I didn't understand that part.

He puts his fingers in the mouth and then the pussy.

He puts his fingers in her throat in a V.

He just doesn't know how to fuck.

That's that article?

Mostly that's the takeaway.

That sucks.

Adam does everything in that article except with three fingers.

No, that's not true.

It is.

I'm a good lover.

No, you're not.

I think I'm a good lover.

Nope.

We actually did a survey while you were gone.

Dasha told me to go to the middle.

You just had a mic, Dasha.

Why would she say Joyce?

You had Joyce on the board?

Yeah, no, we called her.

We were all getting brunch.

Us, Dasha, Joyce, and Sammy.

Someone told me after the show in D.C., they're like, dude, great show.

By the way, your ex-girlfriend sucks.

He's like, she spends all day just calling people racist on Facebook.

Did they know her or something?

Yeah, I guess they know her from DC.

Yeah, cool.

Well, don't talk about me and Nick's friend Joyce like that.

I'm still very close with Joyce.

Yeah, we talk me.

Nick still follows her on Instagram.

He's like, dude, you should see this piece of shit post you just did.

Come on, man.

Don't say that.

I don't want that to get back to my dear friend Joyce.

Yeah, dude.

You know how much explainer we're going to have to do with the brunch me and Nick have with Joyce every weekend?

You go down to DC to me?

Sometimes she comes here, sometimes we do.

We do fire her.

Sometimes we meet.

We fire out.

Sometimes we meet in Philly.

She's giving us DJing lessons so we can be like all the other comedians.

Damn.

Every other comedian.

There's a couple more, man, that I'm fucking blanking on.

But yeah, a lot of guys do it.

Courtney will DJ sometimes.

Farrington?

Yeah.

Does he?

The homie Farrington.

I'm imagining him DJing shirtless Bane mask.

Yes.

My man is JJ.

The dead mouse mask with the Bane mask.

Ooh, on top.

On the little mouse knob.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

you're like DJ Joker Mickey.

There's definitely a guy in Greece called DJ Joker Mickey.

Who's ready to listen to music?

Everybody, take your pussy out.

Nick, are you going to be one of those?

One of the good guys take their pussy out.

Are you going to get into like Bane mask workouts?

No, that's just those air restrictions.

No, No, I'd smoke cigarettes, dude.

Dude, you need to smoke cigars until it pulls up.

You need to do that just to protect your teeth.

You need the bane mask.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, if you're a kid.

Are you going to start lifting weights with a mouth guard in?

Nah, I'm just going to chip all my fucking teeth.

I chip a tooth like every six months.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

When was the last time?

On a graveyard.

I was really hard dick?

Yeah.

I don't think that's possible, Stop.

Well, maybe.

I think it would have to be really hard.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

No, just eating and shit.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like I would have chipped the tooth eating if it was possible.

Yeah, he eats all the time.

I do.

And hard stuff.

Yeah.

I'll eat things quick.

Maybe just grind your shit down.

You have short teeth.

Powerful.

Powerful.

I have powerful teeth.

Powerful teeth.

It's like the way shorter guys can squat more.

My teeth just

come down harder.

There's

not a lot of potential energy.

You do have weird short teeth.

They look like little fingers.

I do have powerful teeth, yes.

Because it's like the transfer from potential to kinetic energy less of it is lost with my that sounds like some smart type shit right with my fucking condensed my i have dense teeth they're denser i got that they're compact except for the one the gray one it's not gray it's kind of a hue it's kind of a gray it's like a little tombstone yeah look man i'm gonna get it replaced with a gold tooth relax that would be that's gonna be really sick i am gonna do that i'm gonna get a gold tooth on the bottom one of my one of my gums has like receded all the way to the bottom of my mouth and one of my teeth and it's probably going to have to come out, I think.

Yeah.

And I'm going gold tooth.

That's a good idea

that I had first.

No, I've been having it for years.

I've been keeping an eye on this tooth.

No chance.

Yeah.

I've been a gold tooth boy.

My mom had gold teeth when I was growing up because that's just what they like in Bulgaria, they just replaced them with fucking teeth.

Well, everybody's parents has fucking unless your parents have

full fillings and shit.

Yeah,

whatever, yeah, the silver shit is.

Lil V had a full gold ass fucking fish when our parents were kids.

And And when I saw that, I was like, nice.

I need that.

Well, those last longer.

The metal ones last longer.

Hell yeah.

If you get the resin ones, they don't tell you that, but you need to get them replaced in like fucking eight years.

Yeah, you get 10 years, I think, max.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

I got to get a fucking.

So, anyway, I got high hopes for

my friend's uncle, who is a dentist in Jersey City.

I will be going there in a couple weeks.

He's very busy.

He's packed.

I think that's a good sign.

That means he's highly talented.

And hopefully, I'm going to be out here looking beautiful, gleaming.

I'm going to get a gold ball.

That's not bad.

I'm going to have one of my balls removed and replaced with gold.

Would it weigh?

Well, then, man, that's pretty heavy, though.

Yeah.

Well, I guess.

Yeah, but you mean the inside the testicle, you wouldn't even be able to see it?

Well, I'm going to get my sack replaced with a clear one.

Oh, that's good.

They sell them at

one of those Indian cell phone accessory places.

My friend, come here, please.

I will give you clear balls.

So everyone can see the electronics inside their balls.

Look at my penis and balls.

They are clear.

Oh, the cock, too, is clear.

It was like one of those little earthquakes.

You see all the wires and stuff?

Look, I don't want to come off racist here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every Indian guy's got a clear dick.

I read the Aziz article.

Very true, yeah.

He had a move called

the PlayStation controller where his dick was clear and you could see the circuit boards and whatever it was kind of like a purple tint yeah that shit was cool his weird fucking that was the N64 you're thinking of capacitor filled dick

you know yep the fuck his fucking his iMac dick that's what I call my dick his generation one iMac dick

she did everything short damn girl you want to see my wires

how do you want me to fuck you with these wires

she did everything short of saying he has a tiny penis in that article that would have been awesome if she did it was really embarrassing Yeah.

And it wasn't sexual assault.

He got flamed.

Yeah.

No, it was not sexual assault.

But I think people are now saying that it wasn't.

We already covered this in the last

it just wasn't chill, but it wasn't sexual assault.

Yeah, I know you want to come in here thinking that these takes haven't been expressed.

No, but we all right.

Well, we very much.

What happened today in the news?

See, I'm not

a genius.

I'm slacking.

What happened today?

I'm slacking it.

I didn't read the news.

I did nothing.

I went to an accountant.

I feel like shit.

Yeah.

What?

Are you sick?

No, I just.

I have something's wrong.

Like, I just can't sleep.

I don't know what the fuck it is, but I can't get to bed till like

four o'clock in the morning.

Damn, bro.

And then I wake up at, like, seven.

You got to chief a little ganja.

I guess.

I don't know what it is, but I just.

Or do melatonin or something.

I just wake up and then I'm fucking up.

Are you anxious about something?

No, I've been good lately, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, things I've been.

Is there something on the horizon that you're worried about?

No.

Everything's actually there's a lot of things I'm excited about.

Right.

Maybe I'm just allergic to being happy.

Dude, no joke,

I don't know how to be.

I'm kind of happy, and I'm just creating problems that don't exist.

Well,

it might be that I use depression to go to sleep for so long.

Yeah, it is a good sleep aid.

Yeah.

I was in bed the first year I was here, I would sleep for 12 hours.

No, yeah, at nighttime, I'm like still in a good mood, which is usually reserved for the morning.

So it's like,

you know,

I'm like, well, maybe maybe got some writing done or you know read or work on stuff or clean my room like there's just more shit i want to do but i don't feel manic either like in fact i like i kind of came off that i was like manic a couple weeks ago i feel

like a month ago yeah

and then i kind of crashed after that

by the way you should just go to a therapist also no sounds like you should just probably just go feels wrong to me instinctively why are you you're so proud i'm not proud it's just

yeah it's it has nothing to do with fucking problems.

No, he's dumb.

He's a fucking idiot who doesn't think it's good to go to therapy.

You sound like a Chinese parent that they don't trust

Western medicine or something.

I mean,

yeah, I guess.

It's not medicine.

It's talk therapy.

It is medicine.

They're doctors.

They went to medical school.

Not all of them.

Yeah, but it's not.

There's no guarantee.

No, I don't want to sit there and just talk to somebody that's like, this is why you do that.

And I go, huh.

Well, I guess now I have a thing to be insecure about, about having like a personality flaw.

That's not the point.

No.

That's not the point.

Yeah, the point is, is I don't think it'll do anything.

And also, like, my problems are fucking manageable.

It's not like I'm, you know, like, things are fine.

You're very, you're, we're not saying you're not, like, you know, very.

No, you should go to therapy.

So, I mean, everyone would do better off, I think, going home.

I think, yeah, you're probably right.

I don't like the idea

that, you know, everyone should just, well, like, what is that?

Everyone should just go to therapy.

I think it's pretty fucking true.

Like, everyone has fucked up shit about them.

No, everybody should have values that they embrace and derive some sort of mental stability from that.

Like, religion?

Yeah.

Yeah, but has that worked for you?

Yes.

But you were just telling us how you don't feel like stable.

And you don't understand anything.

I did not say it.

And you were just saying how you feel.

I said I can't sleep.

And you were manic two weeks ago.

Yeah, well, that's like an example of that, right?

You can't process happiness.

You can't.

Nah, it really is probably just like exercising too much and then fucking not eating enough.

I have something you can eat.

Yeah, because I've been doing those CrossFit classes, which I'm not used to.

It's like a hot dog.

To justify

the money I spent on fucking CrossFit.

And I'd never do any cardio.

So just even the

eating enough food?

No, I'm eating enough, I'd say.

There's something you can eat.

He's talking about his penis.

Do you actually want Nick to eat your penis off of your body?

I didn't say that.

Yeah, you did.

It's kind of like a popsicle.

Yeah.

It's kind of like a warm popsicle.

It's cold and shriveled.

With a tiny little joke inside.

Very funny.

His penis is humorous.

Humorous, yeah.

It's a good humor.

Good humor, you know?

Yeah, don't ever try to beat me to the punch.

You'll lose every fucking time.

I can beat you.

I've beaten you.

You've never beaten me.

I've beaten you.

No, first of all, you've never written a joke in your life.

I've written jokes.

You don't know how to write jokes.

All you can do is tell stories on stage.

Why do you have to be mean?

Because you're going after me.

For what?

I'm defending last year.

He said,

I'm a mentally retarded person.

I need to go to a doctor.

You do.

You are.

I do.

You do are, and you do.

I'm not insecure.

Here you are.

Oh, who's attacking me now again?

You.

You're insecure that we told you that it might be.

You are the one attacking me.

You're doing it.

Dude, I rewatched Big Lebowski again last night.

Walter is such a funny character.

This is like shit.

Probably the first 15 times I watched that movie, there was new shit I would notice that I didn't see before.

But like, there's a part part I didn't even like when they go to see the kid who sold

the iron lung dad, and they're just at the door, and the look on John Goodman's face when he's like smiling at the housekeeper, and he's like, Is he, and he just has, like, the most saccharine bullshit smile on his face.

Like, his level of like comedic acting is

unfucking.

John Goodman Wolves.

He's like the funniest fucking guy.

And it's crazy that he's just like a guy that wanted to be a serious actor, and he's capable of being that funny.

He could have been, yeah, so, I mean, he could have been the funniest guy of his generation.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but the Supreme Court has ruled numerous times against prior restraint.

Walter, this isn't a fucking First Amendment issue, man.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Oh, man, what a great character.

Shout out John Millius.

Who's John Millius?

He's the guy that Walter Saabchak's based on.

Oh.

Really?

Yeah, you didn't know that?

No, I didn't know that.

Look at John Millius.

Yeah, they look exactly the same.

Who's John Millius?

Was he in Vietnam?

You know, I think John Millius is probably one of those guys that wanted to go to Vietnam and couldn't be because he was like fat.

So he had to dedicate his life to stealing Valor or getting as close as he can.

You know who's worse than the guys that just straight up steal Valor?

Is the guy that's like using the military alphabet or whatever?

And he's like, I, of course, myself never served, but I have the utmost respect for those people.

You know, like getting as close as they can.

At least steal valor.

At least be like a fucking weird sociopath.

Yeah.

Not like a loser.

Yeah.

Unlike me.

John Millius is

a writer and a director who's probably the only conservative that was left in Hollywood after like, I don't know,

the 70s.

What did he make?

Conan the Barbarian.

He co-wrote Apocalypse Now.

He wrote the speech in

Jaws about the USS Indianapolis.

Red Dawn wrote that.

Hell yeah, dude.

Damn.

Yeah, John Millius is the fucking man.

That's good conservative art right there, baby.

Who are the conservatives?

I guess him and James Woods?

Yeah, James Woods.

Bruce Willis.

John Bruce Willis.

There used to be a lot more.

John Bruce Williams isn't a conservative so much as he is a Zionist.

But, I mean, I think he's pretty progressive.

Yeah, because I think Chabad got him off of drugs.

Yeah.

Even though he's not Jewish.

Yeah, that's strange.

I wonder if he wants to fuck his daughter.

I would.

Yeah.

Well, she got them DSLs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She got them big.

She's got a baboon's ass right on her face.

She doesn't look look

as good anymore, right?

Yeah, after the mastectomy.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

That kind of

ruined her in a way.

No, didn't she get new tits?

You mean fake tits?

Well, I don't think they're fake.

And fire.

You're going to jail, bitch.

Throw that bitch in jail.

Going to jail for getting fake tits.

You're watching TMZ.

Yeah, we spotted this bitch who had breast cancer coming out.

They're not even doing celebrities.

This bitch had breast cancer.

She had to get fake tits.

Harvey Levine, or whatever the fuck his name is, is like, ooh.

That guy's like 75 years old.

Yeah.

He looks good.

Him and Samsi Kanye go to the sea.

He's gay.

Yeah, that's why he's like, he's like sperm injections into the brain.

That's good.

He's one of those 10-year-old boys, sperm injections.

Oh, people.

They have Dominican boys who had puberty at nine shipped in to collect their young cum to inject directly into Harvey.

Anyone named Harvey is probably a sex raider.

That's true, yeah.

Well, he was the he was like the

Keitel, probably.

No, he did like the interviews after the People's Court.

That's what Harvey Levin

remember?

I don't.

Like after the trial, he'd be like, I don't feel the settlement.

Oh, yeah, that is done, done.

Yeah, Harvey Levin was the.

I didn't know that.

I guess the reporter.

Adam's got a coffee table book about every Jewish person ever.

So he knows all these things.

It's a very high high stack.

That's so funny to be in that kind of entertainment where it's like you don't even have any skills or

want to make dreams.

Or like want to make art.

You just like want to be.

Wasn't he a radio guy?

No, he was a lawyer.

Anytime there's a piece of shit in entertainment,

the story is they were a radio guy.

Right, right.

He was a lawyer.

They were like a morning radio guy that would do like, oh, I guess some dumb bitch got breast cancer.

It's still not.

It hasn't been 30 minutes, so chill.

I don't know why you're freaking out.

I got to host the 8 o'clock.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have been fucking late to the show there, pal.

You assholes are supposed to start without me.

Oh, I did.

No, we said 5:30.

Yeah,

I said we should do it, the three of us.

Yeah, because I love you.

Thanks, man.

I don't know.

Well, okay.

That's what I said.

Anyway, so, yeah, he was a lawyer.

I want a rice cake with some peanut butter and honey on top.

See, that's not enough calories.

No, that's just a snack that I want right now.

It's a nice snack.

That is a very nice snack.

I went to Smoke Joint again the other night.

Oh, nice.

Shout out Smoke Joint.

Where in a story?

Fort Green.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That barbecue place.

That place is good.

You know, I was ordering from there, and I forgot that I had actually been there because it was just a barbecue place I had been to.

But they're so fucking reasonably priced for good barbecue.

It's not bad.

It's insane because it's like cheaper than it would be in Texas even.

Really?

I'm like, yeah, and there's a premium on barbecue here.

Beef prices are like fucking through the roof.

It's across the street from that biggie mural.

You know what it is?

Tourists take Instagrams of their brisket is like kind of like too fatty.

The cuts have like way too much fat in them.

So maybe you like...

I love that shit.

Well, I don't like eating.

I love a fatty brisket.

I love fatty brisket, but I don't like just eating fat with no fucking meat.

That is where you and me differ, my friend.

I love a nice fat globule of fat.

Just

fucking eat that shit up.

Yeah, I like, you know.

Sex with men.

Yeah.

I like to have sex.

Well, Well, I'm sorry for being tired on this one, folks, but what are you going to do?

Sometimes you chip your teeth, you can't sleep.

I've had a full day therapy, work, here,

stand.

I've got to go do comedy now.

I actually worked for a real day.

Yeah.

Feels strange.

I had a fucking real day.

You know what it was?

I was up late last night going through all those expenses for the last quarter.

So that kept me up.

And then once I've been doing math for hours, I'm like...

Your brain hurts.

You get a headache.

It won't go away.

Yeah, yeah, every time I do a single math problem, I get my head.

I might have to do that.

I had that.

I remember as a kid, like math and like gym felt the same.

It was like exhausting.

You just tuckered out.

You just do math.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bro, every time I tried to read as a little kid, I would fall asleep.

I loved reading.

I used to read a lot as a kid.

I loved reading,

but I hated doing math.

I hate math, too.

I hate math because there's

a specific answer, and you can be wrong.

Whereas everything else is wrong.

Yes, that's true.

You can be like, how do you know that's not the answer?

Yeah,

fucking bitch teacher.

Yeah, liberal arts are all about your feelings on things.

Math is all about if you get one step wrong, the whole thing's wrong.

I actually feel like you should jerk me off.

Is that your feeling?

Those are my feelings.

Well, I disagree.

Yeah.

Well, that's going to do it for this episode.

And, you know, if you guys want, start a petition to have Ian brought back.

I think we all know what the variable is.

Why are you doing that?

All things considered,

if you want to talk about doing the math.

Are we still, this is like a joke from like

2x.

February of last year.

I think it's a year old.

It's not a joke.

I was getting kicked off the podcast.

That wasn't a joke.

You were kicked off the podcast.

No, this is aan came on.

And then Ian came on, right?

He auditioned.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, now it's been 30 minutes.

So

we can go.

Stay tuned, guys.

If you hated this, we're saving all the jokes for the premium.

If you want a better show, make sure to pay us money

to hear the same kind of bullshit.

But there's double it.

There's more of it.

There's more bullshit.

There's twice as much bullshit.

Yeah.

100% more bull.

All right.

Good night.

Good night.

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