Ep. 85 – fucking piece of shit computer

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What was that stuff?

You said gay mirror?

Yeah, instead of black mirror.

It's just show cool gang mirror.

It's like you

have a phone, right?

But it's connected to your fucking brain by wires now.

It's the future.

And you know, you get a text message, and all of a sudden, you have to suck a man's dick off.

That's right.

Crocky.

What a great show.

Yeah.

I watched one episode of it.

Eldis was watching it.

And literally, there's not even like a metaphor.

It's just like the whole episode is a robot.

Yeah, it's a whole episode is a robot.

It's like a robot dog on someone.

Hold on.

This fucking idiot Ian is holding a microphone that's not plugged in.

Stop.

Give him yours.

Plug this in.

Bitch.

There's like one.

You're stupid.

There you go.

All right.

Ian's talk.

Yes.

Okay.

You dumb motherfucker.

Now we're cooking with gas here, fellas.

Got something.

Thank God Ian didn't have anything to contribute to that little black mirror, Riff.

Yeah.

That would have been a fucking disaster.

Can you imagine if Ian would have ruined the Riff gay mirror?

Yeah.

That would suck.

Ian, make sure you actually talk into the microphone, too.

Yeah, why are you holding it so low, you dumb motherfucker?

I don't want to hold it in my mouth.

Pretend it's the gaping asshole of a man-woman you've purchased outside of the Philadelphia airport.

Stopping in for a trashy quickie.

A Reading Terminal.

On the way to see your father's grave.

You're like, dad, I'm so sorry.

Just come leaking out of your mouth out of the flowers.

Left by the train company.

Damn, dude, that sucks.

Imagine your dad watching from hell every time you have sex with a

man.

That's what I thought.

From train in hell.

He was just

the ghost train in hell that ran him over.

How's it feel like Winston and Ghostbusters?

How's it feel that your dad was killed by trains and now you're being bullied by an autistic man?

Who's in Detroit?

The greatest irony, dude.

That's a good black mirror episode.

That's the black mirror episode.

The fucking trains I killed my father, and now I'm being bullied by an autistic man

who's in Detroit.

And also.

It's a social commentary on trains.

And now they're bad.

Brought to you by the automotive industry.

Yeah.

How about that?

I don't know.

They seem to be really mad at apps on this show.

Yeah, there's other things to be mad at.

Yeah.

I don't think apps alone are the only fucking problem.

Yeah, there's the other problem.

And get this, dude.

Black mirror.

It's because your screen is black, but it's a mirror.

That's right.

Really?

Yep.

Whoa.

That's deep.

It's fucking deep shit, dude.

I thought it was because the show is filled with interracial situations, you know?

Sexy, erotic, interracial situations.

There was that hot ass one where it was like old ladies in the

fuck each other in a computer.

In a dystopian future, like, well, obviously, racism is not going to be a problem.

We'll have that figure.

But all the solutions we created for, like, I don't know, getting to the gym on time are going to end up killing you.

Wait, wasn't there one episode called Black Gym or something?

Or like the Black.

What if you was a gym and only black folks is like

the strongest gym in the world.

And the loudest.

The loudest gym.

They let you lift weights with your shirt off at CrossFit.

Whoa, no.

Fucking rules, dude.

Whoa.

I want to go to jail.

I want to be in fucking prison.

I just want to sit around with my shirt off, beanie.

Yeah, you would actually survive.

Pull the yard.

Oh, yeah, because I like lifting weights.

You like lifting weights.

I like playing cards.

You like to, you know, hang out with Nazis.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

You could figure it out.

I'm sure I'd be all right.

I couldn't.

I'm soft.

Ian would obviously thrive.

Yeah.

I mean, he's basically your dream.

Is that one of your maximums?

He's got, as they say, a little sugar in his blood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd volunteer to get sold for cigarettes.

Yeah, but you don't get to smoke any of the cigarettes, you know that.

No.

Oh, what a hell.

Oh, yeah, dude.

How would you earn cigarettes?

Sounds awful.

Well, let me tell you.

Well, how about this, right?

It's a future world where you have to get fucked in your ass for cigarettes.

And it's because of the iPhone.

Oh, shit.

For real.

Because everybody's downloading Candy Crush, and then you've got to get fucked in your ass

for fags.

Ooh.

That's true.

They do call cigarettes that.

Fags.

Yep.

So, Ian, it's been a while since we've had you on Come Town.

I just watched half an episode of the fourth season of Black Mirror.

I didn't know there was a third season.

Did you see the first season?

I did.

That first episode was wild.

It's great.

Yeah.

The first episode was that's

almost a trick.

The first episode in the show was great, and then everything else is shit.

Yeah, and then everything after that was just, you know, just

nonsense.

It's like, well, if your Wii was bad.

Whoa.

That was episode two.

It's like, don't,

a Wii is bad for you.

Does Mario come out of the thing and rape you?

No, I don't know.

It's the kid from Get Out, and he's

trapped in some world where, you know, he's like, I don't know, there's an economy based on fucking points in a video game system.

Like World of Warcraft or some shit?

Yeah, but it's like a whole whole underground prison.

You know, it's the same shit every fucking episode.

And then there was that one standalone episode with the lesbians.

Yes, that's the one I was talking about.

Those old ladies fuck on the internet.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're hot, too.

Those two old ladies that fuck when they're young.

They're good to go.

They're hot to trot.

I'm having a real hard time explaining.

No, no, no, no.

They're going to die, and you put your fucking brain in a computer.

And they're hot.

And then you fuck.

It's like the 50s or something, or the 80s, I guess.

And then you fuck.

Yeah, the 50s or the 80s.

very hard to discern which decade that was

it's the 80s it's the 80s but the reason I thought the 50s is because when I was this is such a retarded reason but because I just assume things um

about

fuck fuck I got it hold on

if you're going

in the past if something was in if the characters went to the past it was the 50s but because it's set in the future,

they have to go back.

They go to the 80s.

Now, watch as we blow Stav's mind by letting him know that the 80s is also the past.

But we are currently not living in the 90s.

It's a more recent past, though.

You know what I'm saying?

Stavros, who was born in 1989

and he was alive for all 10 months.

It's a more recent past.

1980s.

That's what I mean.

You guys know what the fuck I'm talking about.

You boys get it.

I don't got to explain it to you.

I mean, you do.

Yeah.

It didn't make any sense.

You said something dumb.

Anyway, you get it.

It's fine.

It's all there.

Are you vaping Ian?

When would you go back to?

If you could go back in time, what time period?

At what age would you be in that time period?

You'd be the same age now.

You get in a fucking time machine and you go back.

And you'd be like 30.

Yes, yes.

Well, I would be 20.

You'd have to explain to your dad that you're older.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd have to.

When you go back.

Could we play catch?

I don't know.

Man, what a rude-ass thing to do to Ian to be like, Ian, we're going to send you back in time right before your dad died, but actually we send him the second his dad gets hit by the train.

That'd be hilarious.

Yeah, that'd be real funny.

How about we do an episode where there's a guy whose

dad was smashed to death by a fucking train?

That'd be great.

And he's got to go back in time to fucking meet the train or whatever.

Try and stalt the train.

It's a talking trade like Thomas.

Thomas, the tank engine.

But he's too busy looking at his fucking cell phone.

And he's dead, Daws, still.

That's right.

That'd be hilarious.

That would be pretty funny.

You guys want to make that?

Yeah, yeah.

That actually would be funny.

Anytime, I guess,

I don't know.

I guess I'd do the 50s so I could be a professional athlete.

Yeah.

Because if you're just a fat guy, you could just be like a big, strong.

Everyone thought fat was strong back then.

If you lost a little weight, you could be like a, and grew a couple inches, you could be like a relief pitcher in the 80s.

Not the 80s.

I don't have the arm straight.

I have a weak arm, but I could be a football player in the 60s.

Yeah.

I could have been that.

Football players are like 230 pounds.

You know what's funny is you could have been a football player now if you had made better life choices.

No, no, I'm too bad.

You can't go back in time to do things that you could do now.

Yes, because it's easier to do them back then.

Yeah, because things weren't as

advanced.

Yeah.

It'd be like, I'm going to go back to the 30s and fuck way more.

No, it was harder to fuck.

The 20s was when to fuck.

Yeah.

You fuck flappers and shit.

I know that.

You don't know the difference between the 50s and the 80s, but you have an opinion on which.

You know the differences between 2020.

Yeah, the roaring 20s.

Everyone's fucking and sucking in speakeasies and shit.

The 30s, the depression hits.

Everyone's sad.

No one's fucking.

No, everyone's sad, so there's more fucking to be done.

Yeah, to make themselves fucking fucking fucking fucking.

Because you can't afford to go to the Nickelodeon.

So, what are you going to do?

That's how they made so many people to go to war in the 40s and 50s because everybody was fucking in the late 20s and 30s.

Yeah.

Okay.

Checks out.

I would be the guy on the train on the way to the camps.

It's like, you know, while we're in here, it's like, where the pussy at?

As long as we're all in here together,

we're the pussy year.

We're the pussy.

Where the pussy year.

We're the pussy.

Yeah, I don't know.

The 20s would be a little bit more.

They talk like that because they're from the ghetto, you know?

The ghetto genius.

Talk like that.

No, we from the hood.

Lorson.

The Warsaw Hood.

Yeah, the Warsaw Hood.

Where does the train go, though?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

I see you where the pussy at, though.

Oh, I see you.

Okay, big homie.

You looking good, kidding.

You lose that way.

Go back to the 70s.

Of course.

Yeah, because

you fit right in.

You almost, it makes, it feels like you were transported here from the 70s.

I was.

Because free love people they'd go crazy for trans

because everyone was everyone was doing crazy shit, but the technology wasn't there in the 70s, right?

But they were like,

they weren't as hot as they are today.

It was basically, it was dudes in your life.

Yeah, they were like computers in the 50s, like big, clunky

computers you want to fuck

with tight little computer.

How about this?

What if we do one where it's like the trans people have become too good?

Oh, and no one can resist them.

And it destroys society

because something they have magic pussies, oh, yes, yeah, they have robot because you go to turbo robot pussies because you go to pay to fuck them,

that's why, which is so Ian's life.

Their pussies are Wi-Fi, and their pussies are Wi-Fi

during South by Southwest.

They turn fucking homeless people into Wi-Fi hotspots.

What?

What?

They were rounding up bums and putting routers on them

and then put them in shirts that say, like, hi, my name's Clarence, and I'm a Wi-Fi hotspot.

No, no,

Were they paying them?

That's more horrifying than Black Mirror.

That's for sure.

That's the funniest thing Tech's ever done.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You know what's also a problem in South by Southwest?

A lack of bathrooms.

If maybe we could get some of those stuff.

They've got homeless people in the bathroom.

Right, yeah.

Just make them eat shit and drink piss.

And look, they have nothing to do all day.

They want that $4 a day.

That's true.

Well, $4 worth of Doritos credits.

Yeah, yeah.

You go to the Doritos tent, get a couple of those tickets.

Yeah,

$4 credits for an app called Whisper

that does nothing.

But it's pink.

It's got a cool font.

There's no R.

There's no E.

There's no E.

There's a little blue peg.

Hell yeah.

Actually, I think that is an app that's sponsored South Buy.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it was like an anonymous confession app, now that I think about it.

Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, where you could type in any confession and then it would just broadcast everybody.

So it was like an anonymous Twitter.

Wait, that post-secret?

That's basically post-secret.

Do you guys remember that shit?

Yeah, it's basically like an N-word typing system.

Yeah, good job.

It's like an N-word typing system.

I don't understand.

Nobody thought for a second that

who has any interest in that?

No.

It's fucking bathroom graffiti.

It's fucking fucking people.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like, what are you getting accomplished?

Well, how about the arrows on it, and it's and it's like

the Constitution with bathroom graffiti.

Yes.

Yes.

What about Sahara, Ian?

You had a good-ass point to make about it.

There was a new anonymous thing called Sahara that people were posting.

It was like, say whatever you've ever wanted to say about me on my Sahara.

It was so much more.

Did anybody do it?

So, how was yours?

I didn't do it.

You didn't?

No.

Fuck that.

You're on social media all the time.

Not all the time.

Constantly.

Yeah, I watched you carefully editing a photo of yourself before posting it on Instagram the other night.

Make sure you look good for all the people that can't wait to see what Ian's next post is.

They're waiting with bated breath.

I'm dying to find out what's going on in the life of a 35-year-old open-mic comedian.

33.

What's this guy?

I feel like he's about to blow up, dude.

Yeah.

He's the next

comic in New York.

I think at the end of January, I'm going to get rid of it.

You will absolutely not.

No, no, I am.

I can't.

Then why not right now?

Get rid of what?

Instagram.

Facebook and everything.

Oh, no, you're not.

I don't want to.

I think, yeah, I have to.

It's too much, man.

It fucking infuriates me.

I get so angry looking at it.

It's so stupid.

You post literally.

I know.

And then I get mad about it.

Okay.

It's not good for my mental health.

But then how are people going to see shitty pictures of you doing doing a podcast?

I'll figure it out.

By the way, you haven't taken a single picture of this.

I'm kind of a fucking idiot.

You're going to ask us for a picture of you.

So when I was younger, I used to take, I used to carry a Kodak Incematic camera around with me everywhere.

My bedroom wall had hundreds of pictures of me on the camera.

Like that little gay kid from Moonrise Kingdom?

Yes, it was you.

Taking pictures of you.

My dad's dad.

My dad got smashed by a train.

No, you faggot.

I never fucking told anyone about that.

Fucking instead of a rose.

No one talked to you with your gay-ass camera around your neck.

You didn't have anyone to tell.

You didn't have to pocket, you piece of technology.

You fucking loser.

I wasn't in Japanese tourists.

You're in Lanyard and

Instagram.

Everybody pose.

I always took pictures, and now I just do it on Instagram.

I like 19,000 pictures on my shoes.

Thanks for explaining to us how Instagram works.

You brought it up, you piece of shit.

No, I didn't.

You can bring these points up, and then I said, I didn't bring up anything under the Black Mirror.

I brought it up.

But

that's hilarious.

I used to take pictures before

phones.

My bedroom wall is covered in pictures.

The original Facebook wall.

Why?

Because I just liked it.

I had pictures of all my friends and stuff I liked.

I'd cut them out and put them on my wall, paste them up.

Oh, that's cute.

Yeah, people will come over and look and be like, did I make it on the wall?

It's actually just

a bunch of clippings from newspapers that are like another trans prostitute found dead.

It's a train yard.

smashed to death putting up my work

the trans train smasher strikes again

train yard terry strikes again well ian uh fill us in with your dating life buddy how's it going since the last time you've been here oh man

are you sucking and fucking left and right oh man someone told us a story about you shining a flashlight into a trans or maybe just a regular hooker's asshole to make sure it was clean uh that's wildly inaccurate It was

a hooker.

Wild hooker.

I'm sorry, hold on.

It was not a hooker.

That's the first time.

It was wild and accurate.

It was not a hooker.

It was a gentleman I met off Tinder

named Timothy.

It was in a one-hour rental motel room.

It was.

And I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

You know, I like to play safe.

Before we dove in, I wanted to make sure he didn't have any markings.

You know, any markings of the beast.

Oh, wow.

It was very awkward having a man on all fours while I was expecting him like a gay gynecologist.

You literally just looked into his asshole for cleanliness.

Uh-huh.

It wasn't.

Okay.

Did he pass?

I would love that if that's what they call proctologists, is gay gynecologists.

That was the name of that medical profession.

I'm an H-O-M-O-B-G-Y.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Who told you that, Evan?

I don't remember.

I think it was me.

Because you told me that.

Oh, yeah.

The flashlight thing.

I probably conflated that and the story about the hooker in the, like, whatever that hotel was near in Inglewood, near LAX.

Oh, yeah.

You got a hotel.

Yeah.

That was bad.

Who was that, Nakano Lodge?

Yeah, it was next to some abandoned, like, laundromat that I thought she was in.

And I'm, like knocking on the door, and it was the wrong one.

You were just fucking an abandoned laundromat?

I mean, I was in a bad place.

But today, I'm not living that life.

When I want to act out, I'm not sure.

This was like four weeks ago.

This was a couple days ago.

It was before I got here.

Literally, how long ago was it?

A couple months ago.

What man?

We're all works in progress, right?

Hey, whatever.

We're We're working on it.

You know.

You know.

If it ain't booze and drugs, it's fucking motel hookers.

And today I'm not doing it.

So you're clean on everything?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, man.

Is it a real struggle?

Wait, why are you quitting trans people, though?

I'm not quitting trans people.

I'm not quitting prostitutes.

That's kind of transphobic to equate trans people with your horrific alcoholism and cocaine abuse.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

No, you're wrong.

They're human beings.

They're not a prostitute.

They're fuck toys.

Yeah, they're little fuck toys.

I wind them up and fuck them.

No, because it's an act of acting out.

Like, when something goes bad or I feel a certain way, I start like going on the fucking internet or whatever, and I'm quit cutting that out because that's like some form of escapism.

And

if it wasn't that, it was I'd fucking go and use escapism.

What's that doing?

Have you ever heard of

PlayStation?

Maybe watching a movie.

No, I was going to my PlayStation, but I was like, no, I'm just going to read a book.

Yeah, you you know what I do sometimes is I play Settlers of Catan with my friends.

Yo, I'm not a bitch, man.

Yeah.

So

what's the closest thing you have to a vice now?

Coffee and cigarettes?

You still smoke cigarettes?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

And I'm planning on going to quit that, but it's fucking hard.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't quit everything at once.

I know.

You're going to have a blowout.

Oh, yeah.

I tried to do that years ago when I got out of rehab.

I was fucking working all the time.

I was working for a company, and then I was doing side jobs on the weekend, and I quit smoking, I quit coffee, I quit drinking, I quit drugs, and I fucking passed out at work, and I had to go to the hospital.

I just was like,

run up too much.

I'd pass out from exhaustion.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You quit everything, and you were just...

You opened up the business.

Yeah, so instead of just like being normal, I threw myself into work.

So I was working construction for a company, and then after work, I was doing side jobs, and on the weekend, I was tiling houses and shit.

Because you didn't want to be alone for even a second with your thoughts

before you start dreaming of beautiful

shit in the neighborhood up here, and everyone's an asshole.

You know what I mean?

Please don't, don't.

Also, nobody knows what you mean.

No one knows what you mean.

And stop using your stand-up crutches on the podcast.

Yeah.

Excuse you?

Stop making me pull out this mustache comb.

Do you do that on stage?

You pull out the mustache comb and start pulling it.

Do you never have?

No, a couple times, but no.

No.

No, but man, dude, that fucking thing in LA freaked me out, man.

Is that the last time you've been with a sex worker?

No.

What was the last time?

Some chick's living room and fucking or sister's living room in Bedstock.

How recently?

A couple months ago.

Okay.

Wait, some chick's sister's living room?

Dude, I got this.

I fucking...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Her sister was asleep in a room, and we're just like in her living room.

And fucking, I found her on the internet.

Back page.

I caught, yeah, I called her up, got a price, hung up, and then I was like, no, no, don't do this, don't do this.

So I text her.

I was like, hey, look, I'm sorry.

I have to cancel.

And she called and yelled at me.

And after like talking to her for like 20 minutes, I was like, okay, fine.

I'll come back.

She like bullied me into.

Put that coffee down.

You're a piece of shit.

Coffee's foreclosing.

That's all.

You're a piece of shit.

I was like, I'm trying to work on myself.

He was like, no, no, that's not how you treat people.

I'm going to put your number on, and people are going to know you're a scumbag.

I would love it if it was just some Jack Lemon sleazy pussy salesman that was fucking like, please, I need this save.

You don't know how bad I need to get fucked right now.

I need the $20.

You need the pussy.

Let's do it.

Let's make a deal.

Let's make this work.

Let's make some kind of deal happen here today.

So, how did that asexual encounter go then?

If you were going into it, like, reluctantly, or did you work yourself up into it?

No, I totally like mentally bullied myself into doing it.

Like, it, like, truly showed just how, like,

addictive it is and not even like.

You gotta hold the mic closer to your fucking face.

Not even like a fun thing.

Like, it wasn't fun.

It was like I was doing a job.

You know what I mean?

It sucked.

How much did that set you back?

I fucking talked her down to a cool hundo.

Talked her down to 100.

Hundo.

What was it initially?

It was like 150.

Is she real hot?

Yeah.

No.

No.

God, no.

Whoa.

She's looking shit mirror.

Tell us about Manio.

Oh, really?

That's rough.

Not that Vlad's an unattractive man, but as a woman.

Yeah.

Like Vlad with the pussies, what we're talking about.

It'd be great if they're sorry.

She calls her ass a pussy.

Oh, I see.

I see what we're dealing with here.

She also had like prideful about how clean her asshole was.

Clad's mannerisms.

What was that?

Well, how are you doing, Poppy?

You having a real good time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, if you want to fuck my ass, go ahead.

I'm fucking here.

She's just going to act outs about her parents

growing up in the Bronx.

I'm from the Bronx.

It's very good to see you, Ian.

Hey, brother, how you doing?

She kept calling me brother.

Yeah, he's got like a pastor quality to him.

He really does.

Politician, even like that kind of.

He's a funny dude.

Yep, man,

that's probably why Ian bought that woman that looked like him.

Yeah, it's weird that you want to fuck women that look like Vlad, dude.

Does he know that about you?

I didn't want to do it.

It wasn't a small outfit track.

Ian fucking like the trans version of Derrick Gaines.

Whoa, you ain't never seen a trans woman before, huh?

Whoop!

Woo!

Everybody's fucking my ass

for $30.

I asked for $100.

He juiced me down to $50.

Gonna suck my big fat Wang.

Come on, man.

Don't make fun of his bits.

That's fucked up.

That's fuck off, dude.

Fuck off.

Come on, dude.

What are you doing out of here?

Don't you have respect for the

craft?

Yeah.

I mean,

it's not making fun.

It's an homage.

A homage.

A homoage.

Whenever you make one, it's a homomage.

A homoj.

You see that movie?

Yeah, I'm off, man.

No more.

Uh-uh.

Stop doing that.

His horse calling noises.

That's Kramer.

You're just doing Kramer, by the way.

Stop those.

Ian just did an act out, everyone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You guys don't do a live feed?

Yeah, we don't.

A live feed?

Yeah, I don't like it.

No, I'll probably even forget to upload this tonight.

Yeah.

Yeah, probably.

We don't even do a regular feed.

Good.

Ah, fuck, dude.

What movie did you just see, Nick?

You said something?

I didn't see, just see something.

You said the craft, and then I was trying to figure out which direction this conversation is going to go for the next five minutes before we take a break.

Okay.

And I said, have you seen The Craft?

Yes.

No.

Later.

Feathered Stiff as a Board.

Yes.

Yeah.

Who do you think was the hottest in The Craft?

Farouza Bulk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you like her in American History?

I liked her in everything, like 10 years, 15 years ago.

Farooza Bulk.

I guess 20 years ago.

Shit.

Holy fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, now who the fuck doesn't know what time is and what decades are which?

Huh?

You motherfucker.

Literally not what happened.

Now who doesn't know the 80s from the 50s?

You, dickheads.

Just you.

And only you.

Yeah, she was so hot.

I re-watched Lost Soul, the documentary about that Richard Stanley Island of Dr.

Moreau.

It was just like a complete failure.

Oh, yeah.

With Brando?

Yeah, it's a great documentary, yeah, with Brando.

It's a funny-ass movie to watch, too.

What, the actual Island of Dr.

Moreau?

Yeah.

yeah.

But the documentary is great, but Fariza balks in it, and she just looks like shit now.

It's a shame she had to age.

I don't know why women do that shit.

Yes, I know.

They should do it.

Like, you got to stay 23.

I don't know, like, what you got in your head that you need to be fucking 42 all the time.

That's weird.

I was with her in

the water boy.

Why?

Because she didn't have a penis?

Yeah, no.

She had a fat hog.

The girl from the water boy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, she was hot as shit.

Yeah.

She looks bad now.

I mean, I was joking around.

It's messed up, man.

I mean, she looks like an older version of herself.

I would smash.

Yeah.

I think I did beat off to her in the Waterboy.

There's a thing, I think there's a.

You can see her nipples in a knee.

You can in American History X.

It's the first scene in the movie.

Yeah, that's right.

She's like riding him.

No, he's fucking.

They're fucking on the side.

Nice.

Side fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's in black and white.

Because

you can just get this, dude.

Just like real life.

Oh,

fuck.

Everything's race.

So black and white.

Black and white.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Is that Singleton?

John Singleton?

Arcane Strix?

Is it?

I think so.

Yes.

Yeah, you're beating off the black and white shit makes you smart, dude.

Yeah, it makes you artsy.

Yeah.

If you beat off the shit.

Charlie Chaplin.

Yeah.

I beat off to Charlie Chaplin, all the time.

Beat off the

man Ray's entire portfolio.

I go to the art museum and I jack off.

They're like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I'm a donor.

I'm in the golden circle.

I'm sorry that you can't appreciate art on my level.

You fucking charlatan.

Hell yeah, turtleneck.

You back to Ed Sullivan.

Look, fucking posers go to the art museum, turtleneck, fucking boat shoes.

Real men go to the museum completely nude.

I want to be as vulnerable as the artists themselves.

So true, man.

Fully hard.

So fucking true.

Shitting.

Taking an artist.

Shitting while coming.

This is beautiful.

Now I'm an artist also.

You literally could get into a museum doing shit like that.

Oh, people would be like, that's it.

If you beat off while shitting, what a commentary.

That's a joke that could be,

of course.

I'm going to.

You know what you could probably get away with?

And this is going to get a lot of people mad at me.

But you could probably probably like violently rape Marina Abramovich at gunpoint in public, and then people would be like, This is a thing she's doing.

She's like, Stop, somebody help me.

You're probably right.

It's just broad daylight.

And now that I think about it, you could probably do that with almost anybody.

Didn't they do that to you?

Did you get away with rape in general in this country?

Didn't Shia LaBeouf have a thing where he's like, come in this room

and touch me wherever you want to get someone like raped.

Huh?

Didn't that happen with Shia LaBeouf?

He says he started touching him.

He was like,

But that's

like a fucking dream.

You know, you just put a bag on your head and somebody sucks you.

Sucks you off.

And then you don't even know you're gay.

Hang out with me.

Yeah, are you harder than usual?

Yes, but you have no action.

Come enjoying the inside of this bag.

Smells like lunchables.

I had a couple of snacks in here earlier.

Yeah, you're thinking about that good lunch you had?

Coffee thing.

Nuts sucked.

Ian, do you suck trans balls?

Well, I'm a fucking gentleman, so

I'm not a fucking asshole.

That's what gentleman means.

That's what I think of.

A guy in the top hat.

Would you like a ball suck?

A guy with his monocle stuck to somebody's asshole because he's got his mouth completely wrapped around transporting.

Yeah, I ain't a rude motherfucker.

Come on, what do you think?

Sometimes they don't have balls.

They get the surgery.

Oh, really?

What's your percentage of.

Now, what's the surgery for that?

You just put like a heavy rubber band around there until they fall off?

That would probably happen.

No, that would work.

People have.

If you get like, you know, the little rubber bands they have for braces

and you stretch it out and put it around your nutsack and then let it close on your nutsack.

They fall off.

Eventually, yeah,

it'll come off the circulation and die.

Yeah, but the balls will be reabsorbed.

Being trans is so cool because you get to level up like in a video game.

Yeah, it sounds like a great bit.

Let's hear it.

Let's hear this.

Give us their little bits.

Definitely not a bit you've run it open minded.

I've never said that before, you piece of money.

Did Did you hear that little guys?

Rewind that and listen to the little laugh Ian gives himself right after he says the premise.

That's good.

Go ahead, finish.

No, it's just you get different surgeries, and you got things to look forward to.

All right, well, we're going to take a break, and we'll be back in a minute.

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Thanks.

Well, during the break, we listened to Ian's joke that he wanted to run by us, and it's terrible.

The whole apartment exploded in laughter.

Yeah.

What were you saying?

It's like trans people get to level up.

Being trans is like a video game because

shut up.

That's pretty fucked up to you know to minimize their existence like that, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't care.

Fuck you.

What?

No, it's you they uh it's not

you.

Yeah, there's tons of surgeries that's all I know.

Somebody, if you give me in

seven seconds of silence, he'll just nervously start to fill it.

Don't fucking walk out of my my bed no

it worked the other day at pine box

anyways

so what were you saying it's like a video game it's like a video game

you choose your character

i i love having nuts personally i think it's fun you know they're out there if you were born with three would you get the extra one removed fuck no yeah fuck no first of all you'd have probably more powerful loads actually you wouldn't really you would have three lazy balls.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So are you saying if you have one nut, you have a more powerful load?

Wow, maybe I can do it.

Also, the power of the load is determined by how much cum the prostate makes.

Interesting.

Balls only make the sperm.

Yeah, the prostate's where it's at.

Yeah.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

So they come up, so the sperm comes out of the nuts and goes into your ass.

Goes into your ass.

Does

it comes out of the prostate?

Yeah.

That's why there's so much cum in my ass.

Yeah.

Checking.

I go to sleep and I wake up every morning and there's a nice, fresh

venom.

Yeah.

And I guess that's my own cum.

What about the vas deference?

What's that?

Those are the tubes that carry the sperm from your testicles into your prostate.

Nice.

So how do I get a nice fat load?

How do I shoot powerful loads?

Can you do probably jack off less?

Okay.

Jack off less, and then there's there's some things you can do with your diet.

Like what?

I think it was I mean, I know pineapple makes your cum taste sweeter.

I'm talking about taste.

I'm talking about

that.

I think olives make it make your cum shoot out faster.

You ever s Ian, you ever swallow a load so big while somebody's fucking your mouth, per se?

And

they come so much that you vomit because it's too much cum and you become disgusted and it's no longer sexy.

No.

No.

When I was younger.

I've grown up a bit.

It's not really for me anymore.

Oh, you don't swallow anymore?

Nah, in my younger years.

But that's not what you're doing.

Do you not swallow anymore?

That's not what a gentleman does.

A gentleman swallows a lot.

You know what's funny?

If I'm with a trans chick, I will, but if I'm with a dude, no.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Yeah.

It's all out the window when you're having heterosexual LOL sex.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm all about it.

But when it's with a guy, I'm not a dirty bag.

When you're getting away from me, being straight.

Big asterisk.

Big addendums.

He's just like,

oh, I'm so glad I'm not gay.

Gonna go watch the game with the fellas.

Oh, fuck.

That's so gross, dude.

Yeah, dude.

I know.

I gotta say, I've mentioned like

wanting to die, you know,

in the pool.

No, it's not that.

But that sounds pretty gross.

It's because it's the whole package, you know.

It's not just like hooking up with trans prostitutes.

It's like the dad being smashed by a train.

And like the impact that had on you.

Because I feel like

if you had had a normal life,

you would just be a gay man.

Yeah, probably, yeah.

That's probably true.

Yeah, but there was so much shame and like fucking guilt and everything associated with it.

No, it's not there was.

There still is.

There currently is currently all over it.

Like, if you went into a therapist's office, they would be like, Look, I don't have time for this shit.

I want somebody with a normal problem.

You have like a Maltese that died.

I can't handle that.

You know, maybe you didn't get a fucking raise at your job.

I can't handle dad smashed by train and I get raped by half women in the fucking Econo lodge outside of LAX.

I'm only one man.

You need an army.

Yeah, a team of therapists.

Yeah.

I got him, man.

I got a whole harem.

Do you fuck your therapists?

No.

Do you want to?

No.

Have you ever had a therapist you wanted to fuck?

Yeah, this guy named Charles.

Really?

No.

I've wanted to fuck my therapist in Baltimore.

The chick therapist?

She was a chick.

How old was she?

She was maybe, I don't know, in her mid-thirties.

She had some tig ol's.

She was very cute.

She was very nice to me.

Yeah.

What were you talking about with her?

Mostly shit with about women.

Like I was trying to get over all my hang-ups.

It's all like mother stuff, too.

You ever see the movie The Prince of Tides?

No.

It's a movie about a man that fucks the therapist.

Barbara Streisand and Nick Nulty.

Nick Nulty's sister kills herself.

So Nick Nulty goes up to get her shit and he meets Streisand, who's her therapist, and then she starts counseling him sort of and then he admits to her that he was raped by prisoners when he was 10 these prisoners that like came into their house damn that's the only part of the movie I remember I remember watching it with my mom there's a scene where a boy gets raped and I was like eight or something and I'm like and it excited you I was like why are why are we watching this yeah yeah yeah she's like I don't know

interesting that sort of stuck with you honey yeah it was like it was horrific to watch I didn't know because I didn't know a man could have raped until I saw that movie.

I remember that was like the first time.

Why?

Because you blocked out memories.

What do you mean?

You were raped?

Oh, that's hilarious, dude.

Ian, that's kind of what I was doing, too, but I was being a little more subtle about it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, you have such a fucking understanding of a nuance.

You have such great communication.

Well, I didn't think stop got what it deserved, so I just thought I'd beat it over the head.

No, it's, you know, this is now, Ian, I've used this phrase before.

It's theater of the mind.

Okay, so this is for the listener.

You know, I eat something elite, let them do the math

or whatever.

I'm fucking hungry, shit, dude.

I haven't eaten shit all day.

I had food poisoning bad.

Yeah, all I've had today is

I haven't eaten either.

I had like a bunch of blueberries and a pulled pork sandwich and some brisket.

That sounds delicious.

Protein shake, but I haven't eaten.

Where'd you get that barbecue from?

This place called the Smoke Joint that delivers here.

That's like the only...

I don't know where it is, but it's great because it's like the only reasonably priced barbecue in New York.

There isn't shit.

All the barbecue here is like $40.

Yeah, you pay so goddamn much for barbecue here.

Damn, I would tear the fuck up.

I would treat barbecue like trans prostitute treats Ian's asshole right now.

Try it.

I would eat it and then fuck it.

With mild disgust.

With mild disgust, constantly reminding myself I need to do this to get bigger tits.

We got to do, we got to work the road.

I guess I'm doing

shit.

When Adam comes back, we have to plan the tour.

I'm doing that House of Blues shit.

It was fun.

Shouts out to the South Shore boys.

That was a great shit.

I'm saying I'm doing it.

I know.

I'm saying it was a good thing.

Oh, yeah.

It was fun.

Yeah, but I'm saying I'm doing it.

Bitch, I'm doing it.

February 23rd.

Nice.

At the House of Blues, where I will be doing the show this time.

Everyone go see Nick, my good friend?

No.

Everyone go see me.

I don't care about Stav's friend.

Let's make this about me again.

Yep.

We've all played that place, and I think it's very fun.

You made $32.

Well, I'm saying we've got to get in Austin.

You only made $32?

Ian did.

I made a nice amount of money.

Oh, okay.

Ian did it for free.

I didn't do a door deal.

Well, but you're subtracting the price of the women.

I had a girl get us a hotel room that night.

Stop doing that sound, man.

I know.

Ever since you told me to stop, and he's making a dumb face, by the way.

That's how much Ian hates bombing.

Yeah.

He's got so many, even in comic tricks.

You've got so many tricks.

I got a lot of so many tricks.

I don't understand.

Were we supposed to be impressed by that?

That a 33-year-old man had normal sex.

Girl,

check this out.

Boobs felt like sand.

How was it?

Were you disgusted feeling a pussy?

Yeah, I powered through.

Is it too loose for you, pussy?

Yeah, because you fuck asshole all the time.

No, I mean, I just like it all, dude.

I don't know.

She's like, what's wrong?

And he's like, I don't know.

It's just not the same.

Could you put some shit in there, baby?

Can I shit in your pussy really quick?

I went skydiving.

No, but I love you.

And then she runs out.

Not again.

Dude, I went skydiving, and before we jumped out, the guy was like, we like to tell jokes to kind of make everyone loosen up before you jump out of the plane.

This guy goes, how do you get a gay dude to fuck a chick?

No.

Shove shit in her pussy.

We're like, that's the last joke we hear before we die.

That was the joke?

That was the joke.

That the instructor?

And he goes,

how many gay guys fitted a bar?

Four on each stool.

We're like, oh.

I've heard that one.

Who does it matter?

That's a bad job.

I got to be on a tandem skydive with this guy.

That doesn't mean you have to be.

You signed up for it knowing you'd be strapped to another man.

Yeah, but I didn't know he was going to be telling all his stuff.

That is wild that the instructor said that shit.

He was like,

he was in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

Hell yeah.

Which makes sense.

Well, we're living here in Allentown.

How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman?

Well, Well, you take a shit in her pussy.

Four gay guys, one bar stool.

Now we're going skydiving with Ian.

And he's hoping the guy fucks his ass.

And then the parachute doesn't open.

And he gets to die with a dick in his ass.

Well, we're living here in Allen Town.

That was beautiful.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

Shout out to BJ, the fucking king.

Billy Joel.

You, I've taken a hard 180 on sweet, beautiful Alexa Ray Joel.

Hell yeah.

Is she your girl now?

Yeah, follow her on Instagram.

She's cute as hell, dude.

Wow.

I was absolutely wrong.

We dated her.

You didn't think she was hot?

I remember seeing her like 15 years or 10 years ago or whatever, and she just, it was a girl, Billy Joel.

Right, right.

And she does still look hot.

She does still look like him, but she's figured it out, you know?

And she seems well adjusted, too, for being Billy Joel's daughter.

That's how Eminem's daughter is.

She's well adjusted.

Seems it.

She's hot, too.

What do you mean she seems it?

She's, you know, from our talks.

What information are you basing that off on?

I read some fucking old.

Eminem is Ian's favorite rapper because his name describes Ian's favorite sexual orientation on Craigslist.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

I was a mouthful, but you got it out at just the right time.

Yeah.

You ever look up Craigslist in like different towns?

It is spooky.

No.

No, I don't even look up Craigslist in the town I live in.

No?

No.

I always do it for shits and giggles.

Right, shits and giggles.

You've never

met up anyone.

Craigslist.

No, I never have.

Shits and giggles is

a gay clown that Ian pays to rape him.

That's a great one.

But hold on.

Craigslist scares you, but regular sex with prostitutes off of back paper.

Well, that scares me too, but Craigslist is like a different tier of prostitutes.

It's a different world we live in

and where you come from.

Shits and giggles.

Yeah.

Hey, Ian, it's me.

Oh, build a free fucking baggage.

I've got a magic trick.

I've got the seltzer bottle filled with coconut.

He just keeps pulling scarves out of Ian's ass.

Tied tied together multicolored conversation.

It says Abracadabra.

Yep.

That's the clown.

That's what the clown does.

That's right, a clown.

Abracadabra.

Fucking hell.

I'm disgusting.

Nah, dude, you're not.

I mean, you are, but yeah, enough of that.

Yeah.

For other things of your life.

Man, coffee doesn't work on me anymore, man.

How many cups are you up to a day?

I've actually cut it way back down.

I didn't have coffee for...

for, well, that's not true.

You know what it is?

I went fucking nuts yesterday.

I went to Dunkin' Donuts like four times.

You love going to Duncan.

Dude, Duncan's great.

Getting that almond, that toasted almond.

Yeah, and I love seeing those Indian guys.

They always have such a great attitude.

Like, I placed my order yesterday, and I was like, let me get a toasted almond.

I was like, you know what?

Never mind.

Let me get a regular medium hot coffee with just cream, no sugar.

And he goes, oh, do you want toasted almond?

I'm not going to do it.

He's like, come on, it is my favorite one.

I know it's good.

He's like, you are afraid.

He's like, you cannot handle the toasted almond.

I'm like, I like your style.

Thank you.

You fucking Muslim piece of shit.

That's right.

You fucking.

You did 9-11 and you have the audacity to tell me I got the wrong fucking cup of coffee.

In my mind, I died in those towers.

A hero and not a guy that fucking works for Stamps.com

answering the phone at Stamps.com.

I'm a first responder

in my mind.

I don't live this bullshit existence living with my mom in Rego Park.

Hey, man, don't shit on Rego Park.

You know, they got good stuff.

Apologies to Rego Park.

Come on, man.

Don't take down Rego Park.

Beautiful Rego Park.

Beautiful ass Regal Park.

I love those places where

they're like, well, this place is going to be a shithole, so let's not put any thought into the name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The fucking, you know, Placeville.

I love Placeville.

Middletown.

Yeah.

Middleton is a weird one.

Middletown and Middleton's.

Yeah, that one's bullshit.

Yep.

What's another gay name for the town?

I like Main Street.

It's the Main Street.

State Road.

That's good.

I like those little towns with the little, like,

village main streets.

Are you laughing so as you're doing some?

No, I'm having your immediate 180 on the on little towns.

No, I like them.

I do like a nice main street, though.

You know, there's only there's eight stores in the whole town, but they're all there within a couple of years.

Yeah, it's all antique shops.

So somehow, like, they get all the necessities in an antique shop.

Yep.

And all those places.

All those small towns.

There's always one micro brewery.

Yeah.

There's one bar where all the people with tattoos go to hang out in that town.

Yeah.

I mean, you probably get sucked off of that bar, man.

You know?

No, not my turn.

An American Legion?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

VFW hall.

What's the difference between that and a VFW?

Well, one's for veterans, and the American Legion's for, like, I guess people that were friends of friends of veterans.

I've been to an American Legion hall.

Like, you're allowed in?

My ska band?

Yeah, somebody had to bring me, but

yeah, it's fucking, it's stupid.

Your ska band.

What was it called?

Sock full of pennies?

Yeah, ma'am.

P-E-N-N-O-Y-Z.

Oh, shit.

Sock full of penis.

Yeah, that's right.

You know that spells penis, right?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude.

That's why we spelled it.

No, it isn't.

Some people say penis.

Don't pretend that's the reason why.

I joined the band after they named it.

Not my problem.

Sock full of penis.

Not my problem.

It's named after the socks you beat off in.

Hey, man, we ruled the Legion Hall.

Ian used to, he got, that was his nickname because

he used to like to suck off guys through a tube sock.

Through a tube sock.

You have to work even harder to suck the cum through the netting.

Through the fabric.

Well, it's not gay if it's through a sock.

Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like fucking

when you're on deck and you warm up, you put the weight on the bat.

Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.

So you put the sock on the dick, so you have to

really

work hard to get that sweet load from a woman's penis.

Now, Ian, edit this out if you're not comfortable, but didn't you tell me you fucked like the mascot in high school or something like that?

No, you fucking retailed.

No, it was the school dog.

Yeah.

No, seriously, didn't you?

No, I didn't fuck the mascot.

Yeah, no, he's what he says.

He beat off to the Philly fanatic.

Yeah,

the Philly fanatic raped you raped your ass with his nose.

He put his fucking nose in your ass?

He shot a shotgun auto cannon in my ass.

Fuck.

You think you take a whole t-shirt cannon in your ass?

One day.

It's enough practice.

So, are you thinking about settling down Ian?

You know, what do you think, man?

You can't live this.

You're 40 years old.

You can't be living this life forever, man.

Ain't going to have this hairline forever, man.

Yeah, you're going to have this beautiful hair.

This beautiful head of hair.

Ain't gonna have this.

You look like Krusty the clown.

Yeah, I know.

I need a haircut.

Yeah, that's the problem.

Is that you have too much haircut?

Yeah, it's just the wrong haircut.

That's the problem.

All right.

Yeah, I mean, eventually one day, but I don't want to right now.

What, settle down?

Yeah.

The nice,

you know, Jewish trans girl.

Yeah, like a computer programmer type of trans.

Yeah.

This is the right time, man.

I mean, it's, I feel like it's being accepted more.

You're exactly, you know, you're a model husband for trans women.

Yes.

You probably will marry a trans woman.

I don't think I want to get married.

Okay.

I don't know.

Ooh, no monotony.

I'd want to settle down, but not.

I don't know.

It's not what I'm thinking about right now.

I got to be.

I'm having fun doing what I want.

I like thinking about doing mics.

You fucking fast.

Just getting on bar shows.

I just hope to fill my sister.

Just moved to New York in 1999.

Yeah.

I'm doing Rafikis next week.

Were you here during 9-11?

No, I came two years after.

Nice.

Were you?

No.

No.

No, me and Stop both moved here like 40 years ago.

No, no, I thought you lived in New York at some point.

No, no, no.

You got family in New York.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I had family here.

Yeah.

Yeah, I came in, like, yeah, I didn't even make it.

I've been here three years, almost three years.

Two and a half, three.

Yeah, I guess it's been, I don't know, thinking about it.

It's been here a little bit.

Almost five, yeah?

Yeah, because you were here a while before I was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I moved back in 2012.

Man, time flies.

I know.

It is a fucking time.

I've lived in New York longer than I, like, I think of myself as like an Austin guy, you know, because that's where my career started happening.

But I was only in Austin like,

you know, not long.

Total.

Yeah.

Because it was when you were like young as shit.

I mean, when we met, you were what, 20.

We were what?

How old were we?

20?

I was 23, 24.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it couldn't have been that long.

Yeah.

Damn, dude.

That's That's wild.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Well, at least I'm not 33.

Yeah.

I'm also famous.

That helps.

But, Ian, you're becoming famous by being part of the Cometown family.

Yeah, that's right.

I always wanted a real family.

That's right.

Don't you go dying on me?

No promises.

Yeah.

I'm going to keep living a beautiful life.

And then me and Stop just, as a joke, go get smashed by trains.

It would be a funny bit.

Yeah.

Relive my shit.

We'd have to get much closer.

And then I would consider it.

Why don't you get really close to Adam, actually?

Yeah.

Two birds, one stone.

Yeah, it would be funny if Adam got smashed by a train.

Or by like a Hot Wheels car.

I feel like that could also happen.

He's got the proportions to get smashed by a micro-machine.

He gets trapped in, what are those things called?

Kinects?

They were like the fancy

Lego.

What the fuck were those Kneys?

They were similar to Legos.

It was like a built-in

track.

What was the thing that

you built like a fucking

Ferris wheel or whatever?

Those were Kinects.

Lego.

Oh, Kinect.

KNEX, yeah.

They were better than Legos because they were easier.

Were they?

Yeah, sort of.

I mean, there was less ways they could fit together.

It was mostly like...

What was too fucking stupid?

It was a few Legos and Kinects.

I remember I couldn't figure out Legos, but Kinects I didn't have any problem with.

Yeah, people were building like Death Stars and shit and like big, like crazy shit with Legos.

Yeah, how the fuck do you do that?

I have no idea.

No, you make the gun and you put the guns.

Exactly.

You pointed at other kids until they take a gun.

You make the gun.

And then they take the Legos away from the game.

Or you make a dick.

You make a crude ass, blocky ass dick, and that's it.

You find peach-colored Legos.

Yeah.

Shit ruled.

Damn.

That's how you do it.

You make the penis.

Oh, yeah.

All right, we got eight minutes left, fellas.

What are we going to talk about?

Ian, you're gay.

I feel like we've honestly, we've done a pretty good job job calling Ian gay for 50 minutes straight.

We could go eight more.

I believe in you.

Nah, nah, we're gonna talk about politics.

Oh, how about this shit?

Did you see that fucking they're making a Zach Brath is making a podcasting TV show?

What?

And it's about, he's just, he's, I saw the trailer, it's so fucking funny.

I hope Zach Brath makes a noose and puts it around his neck.

Dude, it's so fucking little dickhead looking.

He's like, he's a guy who's got a good career, two kids, and a wife, and he quits it all to start podcasting.

And his wife's like, we have everything tied up in this.

This has to work.

Imagine being such a fucking rich moron that you think anyone does this out of passion.

Right, right, right.

We did it because we were like bored and gonna kill ourselves.

Like, we were so depressed.

And it was like, I guess we'll do a gay ass podcast.

No one's like, this is gonna be it.

People need to hear me talk.

And it's like, he just wants to do a podcast.

I don't know.

He's like recording his family.

All right, so he does a podcast.

Then what?

Where's it going to go?

I don't know, man.

He joins Gas Digital and says the N-word.

Yeah.

We got fucking Zach Braff on.

We're going to make him fight a woman.

It's like crashing.

That would be funny if he did every big podcast.

He's like on Rogan.

We'd have him here.

Zach, open invite.

Yeah, Zach, if you want to talk to real, just men down in the fucking podcast minds.

That's right.

That's right.

The salt of the earth, the guys that are really earning their calluses holding these mics.

Yep.

Once you come on down to the Come Town Studios

at the top of the Empire Series.

That's right, that's right.

We've overtaken,

we bought it from Cumio.

Oh, yeah.

Compound media is no more.

We've surpassed them.

That's right.

Both in revenue and in racism.

I don't know.

They're doing their part for the second part.

Yeah, they're really working hard.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know about that.

I'm going to outdo them.

All right, man.

Say a couple of things.

I believe in you.

Ian, you say it because you're not technically a host.

Yeah, you're not on the show.

Ooh, I can get away.

Whatever I want.

Wait, do we want to be giving a platform to violence?

No.

Let's silence Ian.

Yeah.

Let's unplug his mic for the last five minutes.

I just cut Ian's mic, and it's because he was saying the N-word.

So if you're out there listening, make sure you know.

I was trying to call your cat.

Yeah.

Hey, man.

Yeah, Yeah, the worst kind of cat calling.

Calling a cat the N-word?

That's what I thought everyone was mad about.

I should just change the name of my cat.

I had no idea it had to do with talking to people in public, which I don't do anyway.

So I will go back to calling my cat the N-word.

Thank you.

Have you ever cat called anyone?

Ian, I feel like you have as a joke,

but you were being serious also.

No, as it when I was younger, like as a joke around my friends, like make them laugh.

You would suck the cocks, yeah.

I would just like jerk I would do it as a teenager, for sure.

Yeah, as a teenager, but then like you get to a certain point, you're like, oh, this is fucking bad.

Like, this is making someone feel weird.

You know, I have friends of mine that do it, and I'm like, you got to stop.

Fuck.

Out of curiosity, what race are these guys?

Ah, the fun kind.

The musical kind.

What?

Gay?

Give me that ass.

Are you trying to say jazz?

No, it's just the reason you don't do it is not because it makes people feel bad.

I think, like,

sometimes it makes people feel good.

I mean, there's a certain type of it that's shitty, obviously.

Yeah, there's that.

You don't do it because it's fucking like

you're an adult and you're, you know, you should be leaving the house to go do whatever you're fucking.

You shouldn't be yelling at

me.

I mean, I never did it because i'm a good ass guy yeah and not because i was a pussy when everyone else was cat calling yeah so i mean that's the only reason you do it is because you are a pussy and you live in fear and like you want to impress your black friends right right right

yeah sound familiar yeah

no i never did it no it's yes no i remember i remember specifically one time when i was like 15 and I was like,

hey, what's up?

To like some girl.

And she was like, hey, and she came over and talked to me.

And I was like, oh, I got to go.

You're fucking a bitch.

Leave me alone.

Yeah.

It was too much.

I have to go cumbing my pants in the bathroom.

I did it like drunk leaving a party in college.

I was like, hey, the love doctor called.

She was like, what?

I was like, never mind.

The love doctor called.

Made my friends laugh.

I was like, oh, wait, you didn't go to college?

Yeah, you went to NYU, dude.

You're looking at an NYU fucking graduate.

You graduated?

They fucking made a mistake.

Wow.

How much debt do you have?

You know, enough for me to try to suck people off to make some money.

That's true.

But

you spend money on that.

Yeah.

It's a horrible process.

Hey, man, you got to spend money to make money.

Spend money to make money.

Little capital.

You're trying to start your dick sucking business.

You know, you're doing a little research.

Yeah.

A little R D

research and Dick Suckle.

Dick Suckle.

So I had a buddy that got mad at a girl in a drink because he's like, hey,

I like your coat.

And she ignored him.

He's like, what's your problem?

I was like, you're fucking a stranger talking to someone.

You don't know the kind of day they had?

He's like, no, man, it's fucked up.

You don't know what kind of day they had?

Yeah, dude.

Sometimes you don't know if you talk to someone and they're fucking angry they had a bad day, they just found something bad out you know.

I don't know.

I don't think it should be wrong to fucking say to somebody, hey, I like your jacket.

No, but then to get mad at them for not responding, that's wrong.

That's fucked up.

Oh, I didn't hear that part.

I was thinking about something else.

What was it?

What was it?

I don't know if I should have dinner or not.

I'm hungry, dude.

I'm hungry, too.

I know.

I'm all fucking bloated.

I started cycling creatine again.

Oh, shit.

And it just fucked my whole stomach's all fucked up.

Isn't that bad?

How's your calf?

Yeah.

No, my calf's fucked up, too.

Dog, you got it.

I told you about the dangers of exercise, man.

Man, fuck that.

I'll be fine.

You just troll that exercise.

That's exercise the way I treat hookers.

You just can't stop.

Yeah, it's good to exercise.

It makes you feel good or something.

Yeah, that's way more of a healthy thing.

I'm not saying it's an addictive behavior.

I'm not equating the two behaviors.

I feel good, dude.

I'm like happy for the first time in like two years.

I'm doing spots again.

Yeah, doing spots again.

I'm not fat anymore.

I got fucking fat as shit, and then I was just letting myself, you know, have my fancy writing jobs.

I'm miserable.

Yeah, man.

You seem really happy like you're in a good place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm kinder to people unless they're, you know.

On your podcast?

Yeah, right.

That's what's important.

The only reason for you to be happy is so you can share it with others.

Yes.

Bitch ass.

You do not say.

You are a gay mother.

You are a gay bitch.

To say this to my face.

That is the one we will rip and rob.

The one who is happy.

Yeah.

Here he comes.

Welcome to Africa.

I hope you enjoyed your flight.

My name is Mr.

Johnson.

I will be showing you to your mosquito net that you will be living in for the next six months.

This is the one the president stays in.

The president is in jail for eating people.

All right, well, that's going to do it.

Thanks, folks.

Good night.

Goodbye.

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