Ep. 84 – Tube Town

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Is the coffee ready?

Yeah, it is.

Shout out to Blackass Africa, the darkest continent.

That's where I am right now.

When this episode drops.

We're pre-recording this episode.

Adam has died in his flight to the Trans Valve while he's getting his valve transed off by a fucking witch doctor.

Oh, yeah.

In Africa, what they do is they take a picture of your dick and it falls.

It steals it.

Oh, shit.

They steal your dick's soul.

They steal your dick's soul.

Does your dick have a separate soul?

Have you ever seen that movie, All Dicks Go to Heaven?

I have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dom Delouise.

It's about that dick that can talk to little girls.

And so it uses a little girl's power to talk to other dicks to win the dick races.

But then his old business partner, Carface, who's a pit bull,

wears a little vest.

Is that what happens in All Dogs Go to Heaven?

They talk to a little girl?

What's All Dogs Go to Heaven?

I'm sorry.

All dicks dicks go to heaven.

I was just making that.

That's not a real movie.

I was making up a movie, like a fake movie called All Dicks Go to Heaven.

Okay.

Wow, really?

You just made that up?

You just that sounds a lot like all dogs go to heaven.

What's all dogs go to heaven?

It's another movie I think Stop's making up.

It's this movie about it's like a guy gets a bunch of dogs in a circle and he fucks them in the ass.

Yeah, all dogs go to heaven is uh

no, I had actually had a tweet a couple years ago.

I was like, yeah, you could say all dogs go to heaven when I'm in the mood to eat pussy.

That's really good, bro.

That's really good.

Not a lot of fat on that one.

Yeah, yeah.

Streamlined.

Twitter kept me sharp.

That's good.

Back when Twitter was good in 2012 and it was just for jokes.

It really was just for jokes.

Imagine one of these media faggot.

I'm sorry, media geniuses.

Just getting bullied.

It would have been awesome.

Well, trying to compete.

Because none of them are funny.

Not even.

They just say things that other people said were funny and then just, you know, move the format around.

100%.

Yeah, like,

Mueller, more like Mueller,

my uncle's a model, by the way, you know, which is a drill.

Yeah, it really is this weird thing where it's like someone writes a joke and then you just get to keep doing it with different punchlines.

Like, what the fuck?

That's not what jokes are.

That's like half of the

game.

That's the jokes happen.

So there's like one format and then everyone takes a crack at at it.

Right, it started with memes and then it just became how everyone tweets now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure.

Except me.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

What race is this, motherfucker?

My ass, half.

I got a half Japanese ass, half Indian ass.

That's Def Ninen.

That's me doing what we were just criticizing earlier.

It's not bad, though.

I like it.

It's good when you do it.

This motherfucker getting his goddamn sushi at the 7-Eleven.

My man said they got a graze donut.

Oh, yeah.

You know?

Oh, yeah.

My man said it's the galaxy.

He was just trying to charge his motherfucking Sans Galaxy SE.

Salm with his half-Indian ass.

Salm song.

My damn salm song.

Salmon?

Yeah, Salmon.

They say Salmon.

They do.

They wink, wink, do.

Those half Indians, half Japanese.

Yep.

Oh, fuck, boys.

You know what I'm saying?

We all have pussy, half penis, if you think about it.

Very true.

Ain't a goddamn man out there that ain't half pussy, half penis.

Very fucking true.

Now, I don't mean to over-intellectualize on that ass, but that's some deep-ass shit.

PGCountycomedy.com.

We're running shows at strip clubs, baby.

We all share one minivan.

We got the same V.O.

Running the whole east side of the Belway, baby.

19 spots a night.

We're getting in three fights.

Those are the best.

Dude, I fucking used to love those guys.

Yeah, oh, they were great.

That was the best crew.

I never did one of their shows.

What was the place?

It was one in College Park.

No, no, no.

What was the place?

No, because they used to have shows

deep down into PG County.

Yeah, wild shit.

Wild deep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The parts of PG County that are like fucked up.

Not like Upper Marlborough and shit.

Oh, yeah, Upper Marlborough is that.

That's like right outside.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's nah, it's like a little further north, but

nearby.

And then Irwin would fucking partner up with them too.

That was the best shit.

Yeah, yeah.

And just go to like Calvert County for some reason.

Just straight up, like, hick shit.

And you just take these fucking hood motherfuckers.

It was awesome.

And they would love it because they were just they were just being racist.

Like for them, it was like watching Blackface.

Like they would just, oh, it was awesome.

They're like, that's what they're all like.

Yeah.

Damn.

Good fucking time.

No, I used to love.

I used to really fuck with Lawrence Owens heavy.

He was like my favorite comic in D.C.

Oh, we've talked about Lawrence a nice amount.

Yeah, I remember one time he's like, everybody got their deficiencies, man.

You know, it sounds like he's going to do, like, he's going to make some point.

And he's like, like, you know, for instance, retarded people.

Yeah, and then just 20 minutes about being retarded.

Yeah, they're doing like cross-eyes with the glass.

Yeah.

I mean, that was a big part.

One guy was so fucking goddamn funny.

He really was.

You can't be no thug with glasses on.

You know, coming up like, you know, he's like cross-eyed, putting the glasses on.

He's like, this motherfucker right here.

I'm supposed to kill this motherfucker.

He uses the N-word.

I didn't want to.

Yes, yes.

It has a great effect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a great comedic effect.

I mean, it's so much of that

just being able to use the N-word.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a great bet, dude.

Yep.

What a champ.

Someone had a joke about

what if a retarded guy was a barber.

I think that was the setup.

Yeah.

And it's just he fucks your hair off.

I think that was the whole thing.

Right.

It's so funny that there's all this diversity shit in comedy.

And they're like, we need more Indian women or whatever in shows.

And it's like,

first of all, black men are hands down the funniest people in the world.

Oh, yeah.

They're the best at comedy.

Here's like the average black guy is probably just an average black man living his life is a better better comedian than 90% of like oh yeah white men trying to do stand-ups.

Oh my god.

So many stand-ups who like, if anything goes wrong, they're just telling a script of like okay jokes they've written over 10 years.

Like there's a guy just on the corner here that

off the top of the dome piece.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just talking about.

I was on the bus one time when I was a teenager and these three black teens are making this black lady cry.

This male black lady.

She's wearing like sandals, just fat middle-aged lady.

And she's just quietly sitting there with tears streaming down her face.

And they're like, this bitch looked like Trek 3.

Look at her rotten grape toes.

And like, just Brosinger for no reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And every line was great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's really good stuff.

Yeah.

I think, like, compared her to when you take a shit and the water splash up and kiss your asshole.

That was a big trope, actually.

Dookie water splashing.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

They brought that up somehow.

Oh, yeah.

So funny.

I could never be that funny.

No, dude.

Anyways, yeah.

So

there's no real advantage to being a black guy in stand-up in terms of capitalizing on that diversity.

No, not anymore.

You're right, yeah.

No, never.

It was never like

because there was always because black men are actually funny, so they do stand-ups.

There was always enough of them.

You know, it wasn't like an Indian guy whose parents were millionaire doctors who, you know, doesn't know how to write a joke, so he has to

make a movie about.

well, it's like they're the best ones at the show, they don't get any of that benefit, and then they leave the show, and then they're just murdered by the police.

Yeah, yeah, it's real tough.

It is, it's like the worst kind of person to be, but you're the most talented, so I guess that's the trade-off.

You get those cool, sinewy muscles, oh, yeah, you know, sinewy is right, partner.

Yeah, yeah, just I would love, I love watching just you know, their

the arm bend at the elbow.

That's what I'm talking about.

Just looking at the fucking tendons.

Move them bones for me.

That's right.

Good set, but let me see those fucking arms, Chief.

I want to see your fucking fingers articulate.

You know, let me see what your forearm does when you pick up a pencil.

Yeah, yeah.

Twirl that shit, bitch.

Fuck, man.

2018, boys.

We're about to kiss it on the dick.

It's New Year's Eve, yes.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning for New Year's resolution.

No offense, but it would be funny if you died.

It would be funny.

Nick and Sav have both been leaving notes in my locker that say go back to Africa.

So that's true.

That's funny that you're calling Dash's Pussy your locker.

Yeah, and our dick's notes.

And go back to Africa, come

or the other way around.

I hope you guys take care of my girls while

your wife and your ISIS and

your wife and your

girlfriend.

Yeah.

My wife, my dog.

Yeah, we'll take care of them all right.

I mean, whatever.

Oh, we'll take care of them.

That dog that lives in your house, and then also the pit bull.

Hey,

there he is.

That dumb bitch.

Why did she schedule her trip so that she's going to be here while you're not here?

She's just like the flights

to have sex with other men in turn flying Adams home is like way too expensive.

That's Adam's king.

The cheapest one was on Friday.

They're going to Skype while she fucks other men

in his clothes.

Really good comedian that's at Adams a house while he's gone.

What do you mean?

Yeah, really good comedy.

The type of guys that are very good at comedy.

Some sinewy ass.

Very sinewy.

Imagine, like, I get home early from the trip and Godfrey

is just fucking fedunking.

Doing the Jason Statham impression that you stole from him.

He does statham?

He does.

He does like a perfect statham.

He does a really good Cosby, too.

Yeah.

Well, the Cosby is just cartoonish.

He's going to do that.

He's going to do a pretty good Cosby to your girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah.

He's going to drug her and make her.

Whoa, I didn't didn't say that.

That's weird about the wet hair

aspect of Cosby.

Yeah, that's the weird part.

I mean, it's all terrible, but the wet hair detail is very, very

erased in the

worst detail is the one where he's black.

I'm being honest.

Yeah, I mean, it's true.

But it makes this a Class A felony.

I'm going to get back into my heritage.

Stav and I were talking about.

Yeah.

My sad.

I'm going to be.

Gay.

Yeah, gay heritage.

Nicely done, my friend.

Thanks, man.

Perfectly executed.

Or should I say sexicuted?

I'm what they call the sniper of the show.

I'm like the Zachamiko of the show.

Yeah.

Laying the cut.

Tew, tew, tew, tew, tew.

Here's Zachamiko.

They call him the sniper.

Make you laugh so hard, you might need a diaper.

Ugh.

Was that

brutal?

I think our fans got

that rap.

I don't think fans of Lewis like the rap.

The rap's horrible.

Lewis has horrible taste.

I mean, there's no way around that.

I love Lewis.

He's a wallet chain.

He's got the worst taste of all time.

He's a wallet chain of a guy.

Yeah.

No, he's not even

a wallet chain, man.

You got a wrong read on Lewis.

It's not wallet chain.

It's just across the board the worst thing.

It's literally fidget spinners and tech decks.

It's the shit they sell at the register at the wallet chain store.

Yeah, yeah.

One day I'll be able to afford a wallet chain.

Until then, a fucking ring with a skull on it.

And wasn't he he in like a fucking emo band in like high school too?

So it's like not even like.

Was he?

Oh, yeah.

He was like a drummer and he was like, wear it, would wear eyeliner and shit like that?

That's cool.

It's pretty cool.

I want to have.

It's crazy we haven't had him on.

I want to have a black eyeliner.

You know what I mean?

Could've come on.

I think that's what people say.

That's what it's called when guys have eyeliner.

It'd be pretty cool to get your dick head tattooed so it's in blackface.

Your dick head?

Yeah, yeah.

Just like the helmet?

The helmet?

Yeah, they're all black with a little smile.

Would you want it completely black or like a dark shoe?

Shoe polish, dark, baby.

Shoe polished dark.

Would you like a.

Now, what's the lips?

The head, the little opening?

No, you have to.

Do you tattoo those?

No, no, no.

It's just on the top.

It faces you.

But wouldn't you want to make that open?

Why not make that the lips?

Put a couple big red, you know what I'm saying?

Googly.

Nice big red circle around there.

Maybe.

That's the lips.

That'd be cool.

I don't know.

I've already lost interest in this idea.

Anyway, I think that there's like a color.

What color is your dick?

How pink is it?

My dick is, it has a freckle.

It's pink.

It's pretty pink, right?

Yeah.

I would guess you both have pretty pink dicks.

I have a pink dick.

My looks like you, actually.

It's probably the same color as you.

That's not like stav?

Like Mediterranean.

And then my dick gets it.

It's darker.

It's one darker.

You have a dark dick.

I have a dark dick.

Most people have a dick that's a little darker than the rest.

No, a lot of white guys pink up.

Very pink.

My friend Doug had a very pink dick.

Did he?

I mean, his nose got if your nose is pink, pink,

you know, if like an Irish guy gets red around his cheeks, he's got a pink dick.

Huh?

I don't get red, but I'm like definitely, I have a green tint to me.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

To your penis?

No, to my face and body.

Yeah, like a Coke bottle tint.

Sort of, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Like I'm made out of

old copper.

Or you're dying.

You're like the statue of liberty.

Yeah.

Could we make that bitch bronze?

Dude, so in the mister, hold on.

Yeah, just clean that bitch up.

That's what I was saying the other day.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Yeah.

So you take a cab around, right?

And they have that taxi TV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then these ads now are like, the ninja turtles are fucking out on the streets to fucking do ninja turtle bullshit.

New York City?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like an ad for like New York City featuring the turtles.

And it's like, oh, the cool things you could do in the city.

Tell them, Mikey.

And then fucking Michelangelo's like, yeah, you can,

you know, whatever.

And then the commercial ends, and it's like, you might even meet that special lady.

And then there's a picture of like the Statue of Liberty.

and then it goes like it says, I love you, Libby, with like hearts on it.

And they're like, Love you, Libby, and it's like, and there's an implication that the ninja turtles fuck the statue of liberty, yeah, yeah, they do, which I did not know their hideout is in her pussy, actually.

If you lift

her sewer, if you no, no, no, the sewer is a metaphor for her pussy, her pussy, yeah, that's good, French, French, yeah, stinky pussy, yeah, they do, there's that is true, I want to go there to sample just hi everybody, I'm Dan Ninan.

You know, a lot of people don't know that the Statue of Liberty, her pussy, is the Sewers.

Yep.

Because she's from France.

They have very stinky pussies.

All right, good crowd already.

Yo, isn't he going to be in that?

Did we talk about that already?

How they're doing another conservative meetup and Dan Ninan's back in the booth.

Oh, yeah.

They announced that when we were on the way down to D.C., yeah, it's Cernovich.

That's so funny that that's Gavin, the son of the Koch brothers, is going to be there.

Wyatt, not Gavin.

Wyatt.

Gavin McGinnis.

And Gavin McGinnis, yeah, sorry.

Apparently, Gavin McGinnis came to our show in D.C.

Funny Mobs?

Funny mobs, yeah.

When?

When?

I don't know.

That's what Amber said.

Amber said he popped his head in, looked around, and then left.

Interesting.

Cool.

Maybe

he wanted to suck us off.

Maybe.

Would you let him?

No.

No.

I wouldn't either.

Dude, you're so bad at hypotheticals.

I'm just asking.

When Gavin McGinnis.

Shoot or shoot, man.

Shoot or shoot.

They're not all going to be great, but

I got a hypothetical for you.

Okay, but you're a fucking O for 47.

Would you let Vice

Founder and

traditional marriage advocate?

He's also a no-fap guy.

He doesn't jack off.

Anti-masculine.

He's like, I only fuck my wife.

Okay.

I respect that.

I don't.

I don't know.

That's pathetic.

I don't know if I could handle that.

Only fucking Gavin's wife.

Yeah, I know.

I only fuck her like two times a month.

I only fuck her here and there, but you're right.

You're right.

You know, you're right.

You got to check off in between.

It's pathetic.

My bad.

I retract my opinion, my earlier opinion.

I do think

if you beat off less, you have more sexual force.

I wish I could retract my dick all the way into my body.

Stop, what's that like to be able to retract your dick?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Do you want me to ask Adam?

Sure, ask Adam.

Adam?

What's that like?

You guys could reach a consensus.

It's cool.

Between the two of you.

I mean, the only person that we know definitely has a retractable dick is Ernest, and he's sleeping.

I can wake him up.

Ernest.

Ernest, show us your cocks, Ernest.

What's it like?

What's it like having a retractable penis?

No, stop, really, though.

What is it?

It's nice, you know.

It's like not, you don't have that much danger, you know.

Like, if you're in an escalator and you fall, you don't have to worry about your dick getting caught in between the teeth.

It's tactical.

I wish it's tactical.

It's my choice.

I was like fucking my dick went back in my hand.

Like an antenna, like a rainbow.

They've made like the Hannibal Lecter, like teeth sucking noise.

That would be perfect.

Remember, like, what the fuck was that?

I'm like, oh, I'm a.

I have to leave.

I got to go.

Just completely hard.

It goes into your whole stomach.

I got to get back to the hospital.

If you had a retractable dick, you could definitely dress like Winnie the Pooh, no bottoms.

Right?

Now, what about your balls?

Do those retract as well?

Oh, it would look pretty bad if it was just balls.

Just balls, no dick?

That's brutal.

That's a bad, yeah.

That's a bad look.

What do you think?

What do you say, Nick?

Would your balls retract as well?

Yeah, but then they make like a slide whistle noise.

No, no.

You don't want the dick goes, the dick goes in, it goes whoop, boop, and then the balls pop.

The balls pop.

Oh, the balls go.

Yeah, yeah, right.

That's really good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be cool.

This girl's like, I fucked this clown last night.

This is where she squeezes your ass so a a little water comes out.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the clown.

Little seltzer.

He puts his dick in, and then he goes to pull it out, and he can't, and she's, like, screaming, and then he, like, rips his dick out, and it, like, completely destroys her vagina, but his dick has been twisted into a giraffe.

That's cool.

I was thinking he pulls his dick out, and then eight little clowns come out of her pussy, too.

Yeah, that'd be good.

That'd be good.

That was like the first Your Mama joke.

Your mama's pussy so loose.

It's like a fucking clown.

Clown car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good joke.

That is a good joke.

I stand by that one.

A lot of those.

He pulls out a handkerchief that keeps changing colors.

I just kid saying your mom, mom is so fat when she sits around the house.

She sits around the house.

I didn't even know what that meant.

I didn't understand

involved in that joke.

Well, what happened is that.

I thought you were just saying the same thing twice.

Well, what happened is that's so on delivery.

That joke is all delivery.

And it's like the first kid would get it, and then someone would just steal it.

And then, because of like,

you know, just fucking societal pressure, everyone would laugh, laugh, even though it was repeated.

Yeah, because it sounded like a joke.

Yeah, yeah.

It was the same sort of thing.

Well, no, they wouldn't even do it.

They wouldn't even ask.

That's why people laugh at Adam's stand-up.

Right.

He's got the rhythm down.

Because he says things in a way that

signals that you're supposed to laugh at it.

I had sex.

I've never seen that.

Something nice.

He does that.

He does.

I don't acknowledge that.

And then we had

sex.

He has to say it in an impish, you know, pseudo-coy voice.

Joe Coi.

Yeah, Joe Coy.

A Joe Coi voice.

He is a big influence.

Yeah, for sure.

Joe Coi.

Adam, when we first met, when we were at RFD, I remember you were just basically just doing Joe Coi.

I did.

I was shaved.

A lot of Filipinos were showing up to my show.

Very loyal.

The fuck?

Yeah, that's right.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

That show is so good.

They would start every show.

For the reference, for the listener, there was an open mic in D.C.

And it was a hot show at the time.

That was hot.

It was popping.

That had only one rule, and that was shut the fuck up.

And the reason was because after 9 p.m., that room would get so drunk.

Yeah.

That the audience, they'd be getting in fights with the comics.

Well, but not even, though,

it would just be a little chatty, which what happens at comedy shows, and the host would just

start every show yelling, shut the fuck up, for seven straight minutes in a crowd.

It was awesome.

It's really a momentum killer, I gotta say.

And then they do like 30 minutes of mistake comments.

Salute, salute to Ralph.

Suck my fat cock.

Maybe they should have yelled that.

I love Picket My Nose.

I love it too.

Did you ever eat him as a chest?

I did.

I was a booger eater for a long time.

And sometimes, you know what?

I sometimes.

No.

That's fucking gross.

I'll admit it.

Are you serious?

I'll admit it.

Sometimes I've been known to eat a booger.

Because it reminds you of cum and like.

Yeah, yeah.

I like the.

No, no, I kind of like.

You said yeah.

We don't have to go into it.

Wait, what?

What do you mean you kind of like?

I like a drier, like a kind of a crispy.

Oh, my God.

That is fucking disgusting.

That's straight up the first time I've been this disgusted in a while.

I don't think it's that disgusting.

That's fucking gross as shit.

I'm proud of you for gross as

really fucking.

Yeah, hold on.

You wipe your ass with hotels.

No, hold on.

I act like I have respect for advice.

Thank you.

You eat crispy.

You have a preference for the sugars you eat.

Listen, I know that people are listening to me.

That's fucked up, dude.

I'm not afraid.

That's fucked up.

I'm not afraid.

Straight up, I don't like that.

Come on, coming out, Red, dude.

I'm proud of you.

You eat Krispy Boogers too, bitch?

No.

That's just gross.

I like a Krispy sometimes.

Not all the time, but

I used to eat boogers a lot as a kid.

Yeah, you pick your nose and you wipe it on the bottom of your shoe, and then you walk into somebody's shoes.

I do it on socks.

I pick my nose and I wipe it on the soprano.

Okay, look, I'm fine with all this.

On my leg, like

I'm a snot rocket guy.

I'll fucking.

I'll get it on my face.

You don't understand what it's like having the schnauz.

It's a big responsibility.

A lot of this kind of curve in upkeep.

Adam, you ever eat your own shit?

See, for some reason, I mean, no, that's how you use it.

But because it's so fucking out, like, I know he's not lying.

That's the fucking thing.

That's what's really.

You could say you eat your dad's.

No, I have a girlfriend now.

I don't care anymore.

What the fuck?

I don't care.

Seriously, I'm proud of you.

That's so good.

I don't have to.

I actually don't look a lot nicer and i think it's because i'm i'm lounging yeah yeah that's a good thing to do

i usually do the podcast hunched over you know it's really nice to do it like lounging back you know baking back sucking yeah well

hey we work hard bicking back bucking penis we deserve to relax oh yeah while doing the only job we do

although i gotta say i was working all day today getting my reel together i'm trying to be hollywood halcus

you know i'm trying to get on televisio who the fuck was asking you for a reel Fucking

Sumner Redstone?

Damn.

Whoa,

dude.

Shit, dude.

He called me personally.

Dude, apparently, if you fuck him, you have a bad one.

I know.

I fucked him.

You were ready, did?

I don't know if it was him or just a different old guy

that I saw, but just to be safe.

Did he look like...

Just to be safe, I suck off every old guy that I see.

Did he look like he was a

third-degree burns at a certain point?

Yep.

Yep.

Had no teeth in.

Sumner Redstone.

Couldn't see.

Yep.

He was kind of screaming, telling me to stop.

He's worth like $5 billion.

That's pretty cool.

I think I'm going to be hosting New Year's Rock and Eve next year.

I'm taking that shit off.

Dick Clark?

No, Carson.

I'm going to shoot.

Is Dick Clark dead?

Yeah, he's dead.

If not, I'm going to kill him.

He should be dead.

If he's not dead, I will murder him.

And then I'm going to kill Seacrest and Carson Daly.

Do you think Seacrest goes home?

You think he's happy?

Yeah.

You ever think about that?

You think he's happy?

Yo, what about Ryan Dunkelman or whatever the fuck his name was?

That guy.

He definitely killed himself.

That guy.

That guy tucked.

Well, I love that he was like, this shit's gay.

I want to go back to being a comic.

And then it's like, yeah, I guess you're not very good at comedy.

Right, right, right.

Was that what it was?

He quit American Idol?

They didn't just like.

Yeah, he was a comic, and then, yeah, he wanted to go do stand up again.

Because Seacrest was like a radio guy.

Yeah, Seacrest, all he's ever wanted to do is be this guy.

Yeah.

He wants to be a host, which is hilarious.

Yeah.

That's what you wanted to do.

That's a job that shouldn't exist anymore.

That's like a job from the 20s.

It's like a guy who presented a presenter.

I want to be be a sensei.

Huh?

That's my dream job.

Sensei has been a job for thousands of years, though.

Yeah.

That's a very historical job.

That's true.

So is DJ, though.

DJ has been a job for about

during the Edo period.

DJs were some of the most respected members of the Japanese community.

They have the same hair as samurais.

It makes sense.

Got the little top button, dude.

Yeah.

But back then, they just used to,

you know, they would just sort of like tap on rice paper.

That was the only instrument.

That's how how you DJ.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

That little fucked-up guitar.

Oh, that shit.

Bang, bang, the fucked-up guitar.

I like that.

You guys know the fuck I'm talking about.

The little backed-up Asian guitar.

I like the.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, they play that.

I like the bow version of that.

Yeah, but you know what?

It's a real version.

Of course, I know they play it in restaurants, and it's like, wow, this makes the food taste good.

Oh, in a restaurant.

Here's a trick.

You're going to play any Chinese-ass song in the world.

Yeah.

You go to a piano and only play the black keys.

Oh.

Is it Chinese sounding?

You pick any, just hit the black keys, any black keys in succession.

That's not true.

Because there's that song you could play with your knuckles.

On the black keys.

I got a song I could play with my knuckles on your mom's fucking face.

That's right.

What is that, you?

This song's called I'm About to Come.

It's called Sweet Chin Music.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember that?

That was Shawn Michaels.

Yeah, Shawn Michaels.

That was confusing to me, too, as a kid.

I didn't get why it was music.

Yeah, it's sweet.

And why it's sweet.

It looked like he was just kicking someone out.

I loved Shawn Michaels, dude.

That was my guy.

His whole thing was that he also got late cool.

He fucked.

Yeah, that was cool.

He fucked.

I thought that was cool.

I know I'm sexy.

Yeah.

I got the moves.

Drive the girls wild.

There's hubbaloo.

New Year's is starting now, guys.

Hell yeah.

Wait, you know what Lewis did on Legion of Skanks this week?

It was one of the funniest things.

What?

He timed out the podcast so that he could tell his fans tonight while they're pre-gaming, getting ready for

the ball drop, that they could time the beginning of this week's episode of LOS, and then at the end, there would be a countdown that would correspond to the best.

So

someone's getting the Legion of Skanks synced up to have New Year's alone in the fucking house.

Is that the first time?

Before he kills his parents.

Yeah.

That's what he does in a 1201.

The funniest part about Legion of Skanks this week is when Lewis is going off about some woman he wants to fight.

Oh, it was about 40 minutes on the podcast where Nick and I didn't open our mouths because he's just shouting about a woman he wants to fight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who was it?

Some fucking woman from the Bronx, some Puerto Rican bitch.

Nice.

No, no, no.

She was a Puerto Rican porn star that was on a podcast, on Bobby's podcast.

Oh,

she does a bunch of, I saw, he was tweeting about her that threatened to fight him.

Yeah, well, Lewis was saying he's going to fight this woman, and as he's going off defending his own honor against the Puerto Rican porn star from the Bronx,

Big Jay looks over.

He's Dominican.

She's Dominican.

He's Puerto Rican.

All right.

Well, Big Jay looks over and he goes, Lewis, is that cum on your pants?

And Lewis has got a big cum stain with his sweatpants.

And he just ignores it and moves on.

What the fuck?

He didn't come on his pants in fucking public.

He had a cum stain on the front of his face.

What the fuck that, dude?

No one disrespects me.

Dude, I don't give a fuck, dude.

God damn, this is the nastiest fucking cunt I've ever seen in my entire fucking rules.

He wants to fuck her or he does not want to fuck her.

I clearly is going to get married to the city.

I think in their culture, that's courtship ritual.

Beating the shit out of each other.

Yep.

A slice.

This is great.

This is definitely not distracting at all.

Should we stop for a second?

No, no, we're good.

Fuck our listeners, dude.

I know.

That's new.

They're enjoying this, too.

Adam, tell us more about your trip to Vapetown.

Both look great, by the way.

To South Africa?

Look at what you're doing.

That's nice.

We go there.

Seven.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A black widow, for sure.

Yeah.

Black widow vibes.

Are you guys dressing up for New Year's, guys?

I'm dressed up.

Bob's wearing his tracksuit, but I'm not dressed up at all.

I'm just wearing a hoodie.

Nick, what are you doing?

I guess I could put on the same tracksuit that you have on.

I need to go home and get my

blue one.

You don't have a fucking

blue one, too.

I have a blue one.

I told you.

I got it from Adam Works.

Don't you listen to your friend?

Shame that car for not dressing like that fucking Home Depot dress.

Well, now I'm just, now I'm

just jealous that you guys have a thing.

Yeah, as you should be.

That's fun.

As the show was designed to create.

That's a good picture, too.

Smiling in the same tracks you had and being sad as shit.

Yeah, we'll take that.

Dumbass Nautica fucking sweater.

Banana cream outfit.

Dude, this is a cool Nautica.

Shut up.

This is a cool Zip Nautica pullover.

You look like Diet Cum.

I don't look like Diet Cummins.

Oh, yeah.

Fat-free cum.

That's right, dude.

Yeah, you don't even have the nutrients that cum has, motherfucker.

Flavorless cum.

You just, yeah, you don't even have the good shit.

Yeah, well, girls like Diet Cum.

Is that so?

Yeah, they like it.

Nice.

For the aspartane or whatever.

Let's go to the polls real quick.

No, they don't.

Wrong, you're gay.

We asked 90% of viewers if they felt

the thing Adam said is right or if he's gay.

And they all said.

Now to play us out, that fucked up guitar.

Bang bong, bang, bang, bong.

I like that.

Dude, I'm fucking

one of the hardest I've ever laughed on YouTube.

It's like a YouTube video.

It's like the world's oldest instrument.

World oldest instrument, world oldest song.

It's some Egyptian lute or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the song is like, you know, that kind of shit.

Like, bong, bong.

Bing, bang.

And the first comment is from some guy that was like, How the fuck did they record this?

What a fucking idiot, dude.

Oh, man, that shit got me so so good.

How the fuck did they record this?

That is some good shit, baby.

I basically buy them.

Oh, fuck.

Well, New Year's Resis, guys, mine's the same as always.

What's that?

To lose weight?

Double.

Fuck, no.

Double the bread, double the head.

Yeah.

Always.

And I gotta say, this year I actually achieved double the head.

Dude, the bread's being doubled.

By the way, I guess we should luck again.

If you don't subscribe to the premium episodes of Cometown, if you go to patreon.com slash Cometown, you get an extra episode every week.

Except for last week when I just uploaded Real Ass Podcast because it was fucking Christmas.

Well, because the sound guy gave me a break.

The sound guy.

We did have an episode for them.

We did have an episode.

It got fucked up, but you shouldn't.

I mean, people got really mad.

One day we didn't release the Christmas episode.

Not with my family.

Yeah.

I'm sitting at home.

I was very religious guy.

Sitting at home waiting to go do spots at the stand.

Could have easily recorded something with adam and another guy yeah

we did with pd

or the freeway pd

he was a good fill-in pity that boy yeah he did well pity that brow um

pity that brow so yeah new year's resolution uh i think double the bread double the head baby that's the motto that's the motto every year

I think maybe I challenge everyone to double their bread and their head.

That they give and receive, by the way.

Yeah, that's what Tony Robbins says.

Exactly.

He's like, you got to nut more and you got to make more fucking money.

That's right.

Dude, we should be able to get it.

So you start the don't be a bitch system.

Yes.

No, that's not Tony Robbins.

That's us.

That's who we do.

I'm going to be a motivational speaker.

Double the bread, double the head.

I like that.

You got to put a whole window.

I like how that's all a motivational speaker is.

Somebody goes on stage and they're like, make millions of dollars.

Become super rich and be happy also.

And be rich.

Get a hot wife.

Yeah.

Make sure you're watching.

Buy an island, a boat.

A real thick tube.

Yeah, yeah.

Hog Hog out that tube for us.

Thicked up.

Thick up your tube.

Have a big duck.

I'm a swollen tube millionaire individual.

I love getting my tube soaked.

This is what I like to call the tube system.

Soak my tube, bitch.

Dude, that's fucking 2018 rest.

No one's going to understand.

Say tube as much as you can.

Suck this tube.

Yes.

Tube dicks are tubes now, everyone.

That's my New Year's.

Every pussy is square.

Yes, yes, I love getting square.

So, if you guys are listening, this is the square and tube challenge.

Try for this entire year.

I love getting my tube soaked in some square.

Pussy as square,

penis as tube for one year.

And if you make it through 2018 doing that, we're going to give you a special surprise 2019.

That's right.

But you got to prove it to us.

That's right.

I think that

my New Year's resolution is to set more healthy boundaries in my life and my personal shut up, bitch.

Like, what kind of boundaries?

Just creating a more

no one gives a fuck.

Boundaries are gay, and so are you.

You know, I was saying today earlier.

Do you know when people say borderline retarded?

What side of the border is it?

South of the border.

Mexicans.

Mexicans.

that's where we need to build a wall

in between retarded and not retarded

on the border and we're going to make the retarded kids pay for it

wasn't that a song give me your twix

i want the monetary value of your twicks

i think that um

i think that's a good idea to wall off the retarded

that's what they used to make sure people can't go that's why houses had attics okay and god forbid you had a retarded kid.

You could send him as close to God as possible and shut that door.

Feed him fish heads like the evil Bart.

Yeah, that's why people thought, that's why the whole idea of ghosts, people are like, they believed in ghosts.

He's like, no, that's your older brother with Down syndrome.

He's been trapped under that sheet for three years.

He can't figure out how to get it off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm hearing chains coming from the basement.

Your father's like,

Winston, you stay away from the basement.

That's where we keep the ice.

Leonard.

Your brother Leonard.

Powerful.

He was unfortunately born on the Mexican side of the border.

The Mexican side of the retarded border.

Well, I'm going to miss miss you guys.

Yeah,

it's going to be tough when you leave.

You can't do any of the cool voices.

I'm going to do the voice.

That's the language.

You're going to get there.

You get there.

I'm going to tell them.

I just love

it.

White-ass Dutch people move to Africa and they're like,

we're making up a language.

What are we going to call it?

Oh, let's call it African.

Yeah.

Off-ready Klanza.

But we're going to throw an extra A in that motherfucker.

Yeah.

To make you feel more black.

Yeah.

Like Klanza.

Yeah, we're going to throw a fucking apostrophe in there.

It's called La Afrika.

La Afrikaans.

Oh, fuck.

So that's Dutch.

Dutch people are the ones that moved there?

Yeah, it was English and Dutch.

And the Dutch were the ones.

Yeah, the Boers were Dutch.

Yeah, there was a war between the Dutch and the English.

There were two of them.

Called the Boer Wars, yeah.

The Boer Wars.

And actually, the first concentration camps in the world were the British throwing the Boers.

And Adam's family invented.

No,

we were neither.

We were Jewish.

We were from Eastern Europe.

You were biding your time.

You were like,

these aren't good enough for us.

We weren't in South Africa at that time for the Boer Wars.

But anyway, and then the British, once.

You were overseas financing them?

I think the British are coming, dude.

Once they left, then the Offrey Connors took over and then they established the apartheid regime.

Why'd the British leave?

Because it was like a colony and they

liberated or they gave it independence.

Like when my grandfather fought in World War II, he lived in South Africa, but he was fighting for the British.

For the British?

Yeah, yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah, because it was part of

a colony.

So that's a little history for all of the come town people.

That's pretty cool.

That's a pretty cool history that doesn't mention black people once.

Well, no, that's the history of the white.

the white people there.

I bet the black people in South Africa were getting treated very chilly.

No, no, no?

No, those guys that were in the concentration camps then left the concentration camps and then were mean to other people.

It's just a series of things.

I'm pretty stoked about.

It's wild that that just raided a white country.

What?

Like, what the fuck?

Isn't that the only one that's like mostly white now?

Well, it's not mostly white.

Or whatever.

Rhodesia was white, too.

Oh, really?

Not mostly white.

It's not mostly white.

But have a size.

Rhodesia was like a white country.

No,

it's still majority black.

I mean that's why it was an apartheid because a minority controlled yeah this is what I mean by a white country I mean like whites control Rhodesia

white ruled yeah yeah yeah same with South Africa I mean like other parts of Africa there's like do you ever think about wouldn't it be cool to go back in time and have a bunch of fucking guns and get to just like just just kill a race yeah yeah yeah

yeah exactly yeah that'd be really no not you know like you'd be like a freedom fighter and shit oh you'd be like what's up The black people in Zimbabwe, let's fuck these Rhodesian motherfuckers up.

Yeah, that shit was fucked up.

But, like, the people, like, Mugabe.

That's a very, like, young Uyghur fantasy to have.

Yeah.

Or not just black people, but anybody who's even the Jews.

I'm their hero.

My dad got in trouble for...

I mean, that's why we had to go eventually.

Was because when he was in high school, he thought that he was like a hippie.

And he went to go do like a humanitarian relief project in Swaziland.

And then the secret police found out about it.

Did he like washed it?

Yeah, he was like put on like a potential like political enemies list.

That's crazy because as soon as he got to America, he became really racist.

Yeah.

He was really woke back there.

Then he came to America.

No, my dad was like, as we don't know.

He thought OJ was innocent.

That's awesome.

He was like the only white guy that thought OJ was innocent.

Yeah.

Your dad was rioting.

He was like so stoked when OJ was

just a South African man living in Las Vegas being stoked about OJ getting off for killing his wife and her boyfriend you know that rock is really strange yeah

um that rock

off but yeah it's gonna be weird but i'm gonna get you guys presents you know nice i'll get you some sick shit like what i want a mask dude i want

i want the mask from the mask give me actually give me like a whole i'll get you some zulu kind of shit give me like a shit ton of masks and put them up on my wall yeah yeah yeah i want like six or seven that's a certain type of rich make sure you bring me back a lot.

Seven masks.

I don't want anything.

If you come back with nine masks or less.

I'm sort of bringing an extra suitcase to like for presents.

A masks.

Masks present.

I want every fucking one that they make.

I'm not.

Look, I'm a completionist.

Well, there's one.

Oh, you want every mask that's ever been made in South Africa?

There's one I'm really trying to keep a...

That is right.

I'm trying to keep an eye out for this one mask that I want to bring back that makes you really good at swing music.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, swing revival music.

It makes you stop being a pussy with Cameron Diaz.

Yeah, it makes you stop.

You get to fuck Cameron Diaz.

It makes you get to fuck Cameron Diaz.

You have a big green, stretchy dick, too.

Yeah, yeah.

You could do like cartoon.

Yo,

they never addressed that, but if his dick behaves like the rest of the mask body physics, the physics of his dick, he could stretch out his dick as big as he wants.

Yeah, that's true.

It's sort of like the end of the Michael Jordan space channel.

He's like,

he realizes he's in a cartoon.

He stretches his cock through the fucking

into Cameron Diaz's pussy.

Yeah.

While the Monsters are trying to stop him.

It's too big and you have to fuck guys.

And then you're like, F-A-G-G-Y?

Because I got him.

Smoking.

Do you think that movie holds up?

I haven't seen it in like 20 years.

It probably does.

I used to watch that movie like every single time.

I loved it so much.

I had the first like 15 minutes memorized.

That's crazy.

That's the worst part of the movie.

He's just getting a rental car and getting into an accident and getting a loaner.

Yeah, your car is fucked up.

The loner.

And then I remember asking my mom if we'd get a loner

when our car got fucked up.

She's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

I learned that word from the mask.

From the mask.

I thought it was.

And we just went to some bootleg Greek people.

There's no fucking loner.

Well, if I can find that mask in Africa, I will definitely bring that up.

That would be awesome.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

What was the end of that movie?

Did he throw it out in a Zoot suit?

I'll fucking do it.

Should we get into Zoot suits this year?

I'm not wearing a Zoot suit.

I'm a tracksuit guy.

Yeah.

I'm a classic man.

Well, I guess if you guys are going to be tracksuit-coordinated guys, I might just get into my own thing.

Yeah, he's just doing Zoot suits.

Me and Stav are like long-ass feathers.

You're not allowed to be on it.

That would be good.

On the wrestling team?

Me and Stavre are on a wrestling team.

Well, you're going to need someone in my wake.

I have a singlet.

I could put it on right now.

Maybe I'll go to Will's.

Maybe that's what you should do.

That's a good look, bro.

No joke.

That's a good look.

A singlet with a tracksuit on it?

A singlet, yes.

No, I'm not even fucking around.

I might do that.

That rocks.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I will.

I'm going to start.

I signed up for CrossFit today, so I'm going to start going to CrossFit.

You see a singlet?

Yeah.

Isn't it a nice to pee?

That's awesome.

You got to take your shirt off to pee?

Whatever, man.

There's no shirt.

I mean, you're

just slide the tank.

Or you slide your cock out the bottom.

What the fuck?

You just slide your fucking shoulders through the

top of the.

No, dude.

Yeah, I mean, it's a little bit more complicated than pulling your dick out of sweatpants.

Not by that much.

Right, not by that.

What sports exist where you could pee and poop while you're doing the sport?

Skiing.

Skiing.

You piss.

Cross-country.

Olympic swimming.

Lap swimming.

That's right.

Water polo.

It's cheating.

It makes you faster.

Yeah, that's how Phelps won every race.

He was a piss.

He shit the whole time.

He was shitting.

Every time he did that little fucking

trail.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they CGI'd it out, but he shit every film.

Dude, that's Baltimore legend right there.

You should pay a little respect for him.

Pay homage.

Oh, I know.

I remember his house in Fells Point.

I used to look at it.

I think that's the house he sucked off that trans woman or whatever.

What happened?

I don't remember.

Look, dude, you got to get 10,000 calories one way or the other.

That's right.

You can't keep eating Pop-Tarts every morning.

It's true,

he has to eat like a whole Denny's menu to keep up with transcum.

And none of that diet shit like

what you are.

I thought that he was married.

Not diet comes.

Yeah.

That's why not a lot of swimmers or

cyclists are married to the pool.

He is married.

You guys remember Boomer?

Sorry about being on the wrong side of the borderline.

Jesus.

Oh, yeah.

He's got a little bit.

Did you see that movie?

There was a movie.

He enjoyed a couple bacon.

That's what happens if your mom eats too many tacos.

He's a producer whose dream was for Michael Phelps to play Tarzan because of his proportions.

Like, he has a really short lower torso and like broad chest and really long arms.

And he set up this like meeting with him, like a general meeting, and he was going to pitch it to him.

And he said, within five minutes, he's like, yeah, I realize this guy is a total fucking goon.

Yeah.

Completely retarded.

Of course, he's gotten it.

And there's absolutely no way I could ever have him in a movie.

What happened is the guy tried to suck Phelps off, clearly.

Yeah.

And he wasn't.

He was like, please come into my limousine.

Just watch me jerk off.

Please.

Let me suck you off.

Please.

Please.

Please.

My favorite character in the Larry Sanders show is Hank's agent, the like 99-year-old guy.

Like Jewish agent.

Yo, shout out to Larry Sanders show.

That show is good.

I've been watching the fuck out of it right now.

I love that.

I've been going through it again.

It really holds up really nicely.

Yep, it holds up the way you do my name.

The Bernie Sanders show.

You ever think about that?

That's a good one, too.

How about Horny Sanders?

Horny Sanders.

Yeah, you said this the other day.

Yeah.

Oh, I love getting pussy.

What?

You have to save some pussy for everybody else.

Woo!

Horny.

Horny would have won.

Yeah.

I'm mad we didn't do that.

Damn.

How did we miss Horny Sandy?

Months ago.

I know.

Dude, that would have killed during the primaries.

Yeah.

That's that kind of smart political

shit that got us on top.

Trevor, Trevor, if you're listening, and I know you are, sign us.

Someone sent me

Trevor Noah, you fucking idiot.

I saw someone tweet out like a bit that Trevor Noah did, I guess,

like a couple of years ago about South African miners.

Sioux Africa.

He did like a bit on stage about he's like,

he's like, yeah, people are like, why don't we use TX or rubber bullets?

Like, when does that ever work?

He's like, we need to read.

Like, basically, the whole thing was about how he thought that they should kill those people protesting.

Protesting what?

Like

poor conditions in a mine.

In South Africa?

And people are uncomfortably laughing.

No, they're like, uh.

Are you sure he's not being a comedian?

Yeah.

No, he wasn't, no, he wasn't saying it with any like shred of like, oh, like, I'm just, like, obviously this is reprehensible.

But how would you know?

You're not good at comedy.

Yeah,

you kind of listen.

You kind of get it.

You're an alien concept to you.

That's not true.

I understand what not.

Sometimes people say what they're saying is actually the opposite.

It's something called Sargon.

No, you should.

I'll play it for you guys afterwards.

It's like, it's really weird all right bye later later um

that sounds boring clown car chasm

i do get that because that's where you live you fucking bitch

inside a clown car yeah that'd be tight if we got it with your best friends bozo and noodles noodles don't give don't give yourself nicknames that's right you gotta be given a nickname you fucking idiot

um bitch i got i was in one of those facebook groups those anti-obama facebook groups yeah yeah yeah and there was some of your finest work some guy from like Louisiana or something, like something bled so.

And I was like, Your family is actually French clowns that came over to Louisiana.

And he's like, How dare you say that to me?

You know, and I was like, Everyone in your town has a Ford F-150 except you, who drives around a little tiny car with his family.

And he's like, come say that to my face.

My favorite thing you used to do in those Facebook groups was just like, after a couple exchanges, you would just tell the guy you fucked his wife.

These fucking retards would never stop engaging you.

It was awesome.

Tell people you fucked their wife or their mom.

It's as funny as me.

It works every time.

I know, every fucking time.

It's so foolproof.

Foolproof.

Oh, fuck.

That shit's awesome.

I love telling people I fucking fucking.

I fuck their wife, dude.

No, but seriously, I did fuck you, mom.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fucked your girlfriend, Adam.

Yeah, we all fucked her up.

I'm sure you had to find out.

First of all, mid-bit.

You can't get cucked if you tell your friends they can fuck your girlfriend.

No, it was before you told us we couldn't fucking.

No, I told you guys immediately once we decided we were BFGF.

No.

I said, just in case I have a girlfriend, just in case you fuck her.

We already fucked her.

She's allowed to fuck her.

We'd already fucked her.

We had already fucked her.

Before the permission was given.

We did.

No, that's.

In fact, as soon as you gave permission, I had to call her and let her down easy that the fucking would no longer continue because now it wasn't against the law.

That's not true.

I only fuck illegally.

That's right.

You know,

five-year-olds or yet.

I'm not even.

I fucking, it disgusts me the idea of having sex with a child.

It fucking really makes me want to throw up.

The law.

You want to fucking make something illegal, dude?

Look, I tell them,

it's a plant.

You make it illegal, you make it illegal.

How are you going to make a plant illegal?

A little boy's penis is a flower.

It's in the earth.

It comes from the earth.

It comes from the earth.

It's from the earth, man.

I mean, I certainly covered in dirt when I'm done with it.

It is natural, honestly.

How can you ban a little boy's body?

It comes out of the body.

It's from the air.

How can you ban a five-year-old penis?

Yeah, it's unnatural.

This is one of our smartest boys.

Bati Boys.

Yeah, Batty Boys.

A Batty Boy.

Batty Moore Maryland.

That's true.

It was named after gay Jamaican guys.

I was laughing earlier about the idea about,

you know, somebody doesn't know what a a centipede is,

you tell them it's a pedophile that's fucked over 100 kids.

And then they're like, what's a millipede?

And you're like, that's Stevens.

You don't even want to know.

Yeah.

Damn.

So

people getting caught for rape is over now, huh?

No, it's going to be.

No, it's over.

It seems like it's over.

Dude, Papa John ended it by just quitting over racism.

By not being

a word.

Yeah, I guess.

But definitely people are still fucking children in Hollywood, right?

Oh, yeah.

By the way, if you start your Legion of Skanks episode at 9:56 and 55 seconds p.m., you can count down to 2018 with the Skanks.

Nice.

Imagine the guy doing that, just stumbling out of his rubber-covered room

where his elderly parents are.

Ma, Lewis said that we were poor.

Ma, can you help me?

Can you help me do the clock?

My I don't know the clock, but I won't want Lewis.

I won't want my Lewis shit.

Oh, yes.

Lewis called me.

He said it's already midnight.

No, not tonight.

Tonight, Lewis said not tonight.

Only good boys get to have breakfast with Lewis.

He said, if I don't go bathroom in my parents all day, I can watch Lewis for

for New Year.

Well,

that's funny.

It's really funny.

Fuck, dude.

A Legion of fucking retards.

A Legion of Tards.

No, no.

Stop.

I'm going to go pet the cat backwards.

Do you want your Legion of Skanks

bottle opener for Christmas or not?

That fucking thing, dude?

That giant bottle opener that like attached to a wall.

And even in the demo that they had on their website, it fucked up the wall.

Like there were fucking four fucking holes that they had clearly

fucking caused.

We want to give a shout out to our sponsor this week, Galocking Mittens.

They're mittens that lock so you don't scratch your eyes out while trying to use the bathroom.

This is great.

This is great for our fans.

When your mom's helping you go to the bathroom,

you don't accidentally

pull all your own eyeballs out.

Mom, Lewis, I said, get the mittens for me.

Mom, can you get me the Lewis mittens?

Not now, scooter.

Now, now.

Scooter, no.

Real Real-ass dudes don't eat the cat shit, scooter.

Oh, I'll try to be a real-ass dude.

Stop putting your penis in the pencil sharpener, scooter, if you're a real-ass dude.

You're a bitch.

That's it.

No more fucking nilla wafers for you.

Okay, so like if a woman challenges Lewis to a fight, he'll accept.

Yeah.

If a mentally challenged person

challenges him to a fight, he'll fight.

He'll fight like a that's the only challenge that Lewis respects, yeah, is the mental challenge,

yeah.

To a game of Connect 4, yeah, Lewis, Lewis getting 23 and me done to prove he has more chromosomes than a retard

on the next legion of skins.

Where's that fucking tube, dude?

I'll spitting it.

Yeah, it's like chess.

There's no way that retard has more chromosomes than me.

I'll kick his fucking ass and take those chromosomes away from him.

Tube and square, dude.

tube and square my friend i love getting square with my tube just slipping my tube into the square i love soaking my tube in some square

and she had a wet square yeah dude oh fuck the edges dude they were sharp

the edges of a square

i love a bitch with a sharp ass pussy just fucking edges my tube up you know

oh man I love it.

Just make fun of Lewis's show for having a retarded audience.

Then we go right back into the tube bit.

Call him like.

Calling dicks tubes.

Whatever, dude.

That's smart.

That's smart, dude.

Whatever.

I'm like Lewis' dumbass show from fucking retard

where you can hear all about different names for your tube.

Different places you can stick that tube and soak it up.

And a nice edgy pussy.

You know, I like pussies.

90 degrees, 90 degrees, 90 degrees.

Oh, yeah, 90 degrees.

2017, man.

Edge my shit up.

All right, that's going to do it.

We're going to cut it a little short tonight.

Good episode.

We got to go to a New Year's party at Big Dick Willie's house.

Oh, yeah.

He's made fud for the whole fam.

I can't wait to see you.

We got to socialize.

If you want to hit the Chapo Trap House subreddit and call out Will for culturally appropriating FUB,

for his white-ass friends, or just hit the Chapo subreddit and call people gay.

Yeah, do that.

Yeah, I actually rather do that.

It'd be pretty funny.

I'm sure that happens.

Oh, for sure.

You guys are gay.

Scooter?

Yeah, yeah.

Mom,

boys,

stop eating the Glade plug-in, scooter.

We smell good.

Lewis said I could.

They smell like vanilla.

My look, I got comb on my pants just like Lewis.

Just like Louis Gomez, my hero.

Our shit is smart, dude.

Yeah, it's a smart show.

Guys, thanks for listening to our smart ass show.

Thanks, Brad.

Good night.

Good night.

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