Ep. 83 – Petey Dat Boi Part DeTwo

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Stav is gone.

He's gone in Baltimore.

Stav is in

Baltimore with his beautiful family.

His gorgeous

fucking sexy ass mom, dude.

Oh, my God.

We saw her the other day.

We saw her.

We had sex with her.

We fucked Stav's mom.

It was like weird.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to, but she was like, you know, please.

Yeah, she was like, come over here, my bitch.

That's the only fucking word she knows in English.

Yeah, my bitch.

Yeah, she's like, she goes, she goes, my pussy might not be that good, but breakfast?

Oh, the breakfast.

The breakfast.

Avocados, if you're nasty.

Obviously.

Yeah.

You know, she was like, she saw me and she was like, ooh, the ways

I could disappoint him sexually.

You know, I'm trying to go to a pumpkin patch, you know?

Yeah, that's true.

I'm trying to.

I'm trying to, I can't remember.

It was pretty cute that, like, when we

were talking about we dropped Savov on the way back to New York after DC, after the show.

Shout out to everyone who came to the show.

We're very sorry that the sound person fucked up the board recording and on us.

This is not actually an excuse that we're making.

Yeah, no, it's legitimately, this was someone else's fault this time.

And it really sucks because it was a really great show.

This is a great show.

And we had a video recording that we were going to sync up with the sound.

And apparently, the sound from the video isn't any good to use either.

But maybe we're going to try to cut it into clips and put it on Patreon for you guys

if that's possible.

Jason's working on it.

We'll figure it out.

Also, I just put the Real Ass Dude podcast I was on this week with me and Tim Dylan.

Wow.

And Louis

Gay Gomez.

Wow, the three queers of comedy.

The three gayest.

What?

The three.

That'd be a fun character, Louis Gay Gomez.

He's like, what's up, dude?

You want to come back to my place?

God.

No, I got fidget spinners.

You can jump them in my ass.

Fidget spinner butt plugs.

Yeah.

Have you seen those?

Are those real?

Yeah, bro.

Fidget spinner butt plugs?

Yeah.

Damn.

I'm fucking like the little spumpy asshole.

Yeah.

So

filling in for style, we got PD, the boy, the bro here.

Yo, yo, yo.

What's good?

Yeah, it's good to have you back, dude.

Great to have you back.

You guys, your fans are

different, bro.

Like this.

Yeah.

Different range.

Racism.

It's spectrum.

It's not a range.

That's what I mean.

You got all the words, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I met fucking redneck type of dudes, and I met like collegiate motherfuckers.

Oh, okay.

Coindexter dudes like, yo, you come down.

Get the fuck out of here.

It's a big tank.

Tent crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, it's good to have you back.

How's Stav's mom look?

Does she look

shape-wise?

Yeah, she's like Stav, you know?

Stav, a little bit more hair, tombstone body.

She's got like kind of Asiatic eyes, I'd say.

Yeah, she's a little bit of a pair.

Stav's gonna be mad that we discussed his mom on this.

Well, she apologized to him when we got home.

It's so clear that Stav is like her angel, beautiful boy and she apologized to him because she's like stavaros i'm so sorry that i have not been cooking for your for your arrival like i've been cleaning all day and i'm very sorry you don't have hot food for your arrival and yeah and like literally there was a stack and i'm not exaggerating of 500 cookies yeah like just mad cookies i guess she was making for christmas it was like enough it was like it was like she makes all the shit for every starbucks in manhattan that's crazy like there was a truck that was gonna going to pull up and load it up.

Did you have any of them?

No.

No, I had a cold, so I was like, I don't want to take anything that's got sugar in it.

Yeah, I had some of the cookies.

Also, I just don't fuck with sweets.

I'm not a big sweethead.

No, you're right, Amber.

I do fuck with sweets, but that's when I'm off the rails.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I'm trying to, if I'm like,

any semblance of a diet, I'm not, that's like the one thing I'm not going to do.

I went out to the diner last night with Ian and some other folks, and everybody got milkshakes.

And

I had sweet potato fries.

Okay.

You know, not bad.

Nice, healthy.

I dipped them in Hollandaise sauce.

Yeah.

A nice, healthy meal.

Yeah, nice healthy meal.

Sweet potato fries, vegetable.

Yeah, yeah.

Milkshakes, bro.

Milkshakes, dude.

I can't say I really ever indulge in a milkshake.

Yeah, I know.

It's decadent, dude.

You got to be a real piece of shit to enjoy milkshakes.

It's a fucking vibe.

And then when I started comedy.

I got a metal cup next to it with more milkshakes.

Yeah, yeah.

When I started comedy, one of my first friends in comedy was this guy that was 10 years older than me.

So I was like 16, 17.

He was like 26, 27, but already fat and bald, and he had to move back in with his parents.

And he's a fucking loser.

I mean, I was friends with him, but, you know, objectively, the guy's like, life sucked.

And we went out to one diner.

We got real high either before or after a show.

We went up at some diner.

And

he like, I look over and he got a milkshake.

And he's

Man, fuck this.

I'm just like 30 years old, and I'm fucking drinking ice cream,

which is what a milkshake is.

You're just drinking ice cream.

A lot of people don't consider that, and that's why I've never been able to order a milkshake since then because now I always think of it as drinking ice cream.

It's really impressive to me that Starbucks has been able to market like milkshakes for breakfast to people, like very successfully.

You see, people getting some more stuff like that.

Starbucks has great.

Yeah, Starbucks has great breakfast sandwiches.

Do they?

Yeah, the Gouda bacon one.

I want to actually pitch an

ad campaign to Starbucks.

They're like, look, we know our coffee is kind of shitty, but the breakfast?

What do you get?

I've never had one.

I'm never getting the Starbucks breakfast.

What's that?

What do you get there?

At Starbucks?

It's just like a fucking sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich.

The sausage, egg, and cheese is good.

The bacon, egg, and cheese thing is good.

Yeah, they got that, but they make you, it's like

the Gouda cheddar and fucking.

Yeah, it's got a gay ass.

Yeah, yeah.

They have to to gay up the name.

So you're like, you know what?

I need more than just a breakfast sandwich.

I'm going to get a John Legend CD, too.

Because a focus group said that people are more likely to buy a John Legend CD.

Yeah, man, there's always like a new Vanessa Carlton that just dropped every time I saw it.

Now, Vanessa Carlton is named after the siblings from the Fresh Prince of Bell Air.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Vanessa Carlton.

That's her deal.

It is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She was engineered by some record executives.

Less successful than

Jeffrey

Tatiana Ali, which I don't know.

Sorry.

I couldn't really riff that out.

Go ahead, riff it out, dude.

I'm here for you.

Stop's not here, so I don't know.

Jeffrey, Butler, Tatiana Ali.

We had such a good trip in D.C., I don't feel the need to be spiteful towards my friends anyway.

What the fuck, bro?

How long were you guys there, man?

Just one night.

Just one night.

It was really like...

The Christmas Eve?

It was so good.

Yeah.

I'm really bummed we can't like put it on Patreon because it was like yeah, it was so cool.

I don't know you know, to be honest with you, I don't know how good the show itself was.

It's just there were so many people there.

It was a good show.

Yeah,

it was so fun.

Yeah.

It was fun for us.

I got really drunk and kind of sassy a little bit.

Yeah, the thing with the live shows is I was feeling sassy.

The couple of times I've done live shows, there's like a kind of a need to either repeat things that we've said already just because there's dead air and we want to get a laugh or just straight up do stand-up bits like during the podcast.

Like you're doing panel on like.

Yeah, yeah, which is like kind of a shitty move, I'd say.

So, I mean, if you like the podcast, the live show

is like going to be a little bit different.

But, and I don't know how it would sound just to upload.

I mean, I'm sure it'd be fine.

Yeah.

Like overthinking it.

Yo, you got diehards, man.

They want to hear you shit, bro.

Special shout-out to the guy that the entire show was just shouting, African guy.

Yeah, that was

he wanted us to do the African guy, but real bad.

Yeah, it was like a free bird.

The last time you were here, we talked about Monte Carlo's briefly.

You had a 1980 or a 79?

78.

78.

Oh, okay, yeah.

But

that's the first year of the smaller platform, right?

Yeah, it was like a three

something.

I don't fucking remember.

Yeah, three something.

This is 77 down the block.

Oh, for real?

I don't know if you saw it on the block.

Those are longer, I think.

Yeah, 70 the 73 to se we talked about this, I'm f sure.

The 73 to 77 Monte Carlos are.

They're like boats.

They're fucking great.

Those are badass cars, dude.

Yeah.

They got a caprice around my way, like a probably like the same year, 78 to 80.

Yeah, those are great.

Old Caprices?

Fucking great.

The headlights kind of have like a

they loop around a bit.

You know, they kind of got like you can see where how the bubble the bubble caprices, I copied that styling later.

And like that chrome well some of them have like that fucking big ass chrome cover.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I like caprices too.

They got the two doors.

You know what I like that era the most is those like Botel Rivieras.

Like the 70 like 73.

Oh, I know what you're talking about.

73 Rivieras.

With the fucking nice glass, the back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's Botel?

Boat tail.

Boatel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those are fucking silent.

Those cars were made out of steel.

They like weighed like 4,000 pounds.

Yeah, they're really heavy.

They're like really big.

I love the fucking way that the engine sits in there and then the front, like the front of the actual car,

so much room.

And it's just like, you know,

you could put like an 18-cylinder block in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's cool, dude.

Yeah.

Let's get into cars.

Me and Peter are already into cars.

You guys are...

No, I mean like acquiring historic cars like Seinfeld or

I always wanted one of those fucking the shits from Cobra.

Remember the shit with Slystone?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you have?

Like three Mercury?

Yeah, Mercury, yeah.

Yeah, those are cool.

You know who has one of those?

I think Jesse James has like a custom Mercury.

Oh, yeah, he probably has one.

Those shits are nuts with the fucking chop the roof.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Whose idea was it?

Imagine who the fuck's idea was like, yo, coming up for four inches.

Yeah, yeah.

My windows are too big.

Yeah.

Cut them in half.

Cobra's a great movie, dude.

Yeah, hell yeah.

I fucking love that shit.

They try to say my man was a rapist.

You You seen that?

Yeah.

Why?

Shit broke my heart, man.

I followed his brother on.

No, I believe it.

And it wasn't that he was a rapist.

It was that he made the girl fuck his body.

He ran a gang.

We call that a gangster in the Bronx.

Yeah, a rapist?

That's what they call it.

No, no, no, no.

I thought gangsters were gangsters.

There was rapists.

Oh, like, so he was like, his man was in the closet.

He was like, yo, yo,

would you ever let my man fuck?

And then he was like, ear.

Then he came out.

And then he comes up and fucks her.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

That's what me and Nick and Stove do.

Yeah, we all share each other's women.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking like picking up.

You want to be a girl that listens to this show?

You better be ready to get sexed in by the crew.

That's true.

Yo, the bloods do that shit.

Did you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every gang does that.

Every gang sexes women in.

You think there were some lonely dudes that were like, yo, dude, we need to start a gang, bro.

And if we can get enough of us.

Well, I like the idea of a guy that's like, he wants to join a gang, but he doesn't want to get jumped in because he's a pussy.

So he's like, how about you just sex me?

And then it's like, it's like those movies.

It's like those movies where it's like where

like a chimp wants to play baseball.

And they're like, a chimp can't play baseball.

And the umpire looks in the rule book and he's like, actually, there's nothing in the rules that says a chimp can't play baseball.

And they do that with like a guy getting sexed into the blood.

According to the crypt bylaws,

a man can be sexed into the crip, and then they all have to fuck him.

And then put cigarettes out in his shoulder.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, man.

That sounds pretty

cool.

Like, that's a prank that, you know, those stupid pranks that they do and, like, somebody will punch him in the face, or like, something crazy will happen, but, like, they'll walk next to somebody and hold a stranger's hand or some shit.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to see that.

Like, I'd like to see a dude just be like, yo, I'm ready, yo.

Yeah.

Like, are you ready to get jumped in?

He's like, no, wait.

don't, you guys can fuck me in.

That shit would be fucking great, bro.

Just to see how they'd react.

Yeah, that would be a good thing.

You think they kill him?

That should be the next season of Impractical Joker.

Because they got to join a gang, but Saul has to suck off

a fucking OG.

Yo,

he has to spell the crip alphabet on the guy's ass all his time.

Yeah, have you ever heard of Superhead?

This chick that was like in the rap scene back in the 90s?

No.

Who gave him the best blitz?

Yeah, she had the the best BJs.

So there was a dude.

Nancy Reagan.

Did she?

She didn't have teeth.

Yeah, yeah, apparently she was the blowjob queen of holidays.

She didn't have teeth.

Yeah.

Oh, you mean back in the day, Dave?

Yeah, back in the day, Nancy Reagan was.

Is that true?

It's true.

Nancy Reagan sucked off.

She gave the best dough.

She gave the best fucking head.

Get the fuck up.

She was known for sucking dick really well.

He wife.

And Ronald wife it?

Yeah, yeah.

Why would he wife that?

Because he's a bitch.

That's a finesse.

That's an adro head like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn.

Wow, Wow, Ronald.

Yeah, it was his second marriage, I think, right?

He probably got mopped off and left her for Nance.

How big was he

as a movie?

Was he a movie star, or was he just in a movie?

He was in a movie where he was friends with a monkey, right?

Yeah.

He was in a movie where he slaps

a dumpster and sucks off.

He has to suck off a chimp.

Yeah.

And then the planet of apes sounds like Planet of the Insultant on the movie.

What's that?

It sounds like Planet of the Apes to me.

Yeah.

That's like kind of a bitch move, though, like marrying the woman that sucked off the rest of Hollywood.

You know, that's kind of like...

I'm not sure.

Nah, it's progressive, but only if you did it now.

For him, it's a bitch move.

That shit stinks, bro.

In those days, it's kind of a bitch move.

You ever date a girl that you know fucked like a bunch of dudes that you like

you didn't know that she fucked her up?

That shit doesn't hold off.

Afterwards, and you're like, wow.

Maybe not afterwards, but it's like, you know, even before, I like don't give a shit.

But you know what?

I heard a new fucking song, a rap song that promoted like, I don't care if she was with somebody.

Oh, yeah, I heard that song.

Louisi Vert.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That shit made me feel good about that though.

Yeah, because that shit, the only reason you would care is because, like, you're insecure about your own shit.

Yeah.

You know, super insecure.

Right.

And then the comics are funnier than me and more successful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, fuck.

Yeah, the song was like, he's, like, proud if she

used to be.

And he's like, I don't care.

I don't care.

I just want to, I want to kiss in the mouth.

I was like,

I think society's headed in the right direction.

But I do think that was a bitch move around a ray.

It was a bitch move around.

Wait, what did Irv Gotti do with Superhead?

Oh, no, he was like how she used to always want to be in the video, and he was like, Yo, get the fuck out of here, get the fuck out of here.

And then one of his homies had told him that she stole some money from him.

They hooked up and she stole some money from him.

Yeah.

And then he's like, Yo, I thought she kept coming around after he found that out.

And he's like, Yo, get the fuck out of here, bitch.

You stole money from my dude.

And she's like, Yo, Irv, I'll do whatever.

And she was like, Yo, you got sucked.

He was like, You got to suck everybody's dick here.

And then she goes,

where do you want me to start?

He's like, I tried to think of the most outrageous fucking thing because it was like mad dudes there.

So he was like, I tried to think of something that would make her be like, get the fuck out of here.

I'm done.

And like, yo, she's like, yo, she, he was like, yo, she went over there and just started sucking mad dudes there.

You know, it's funny is like, there was a, what was a porn star that tried to set the record for like getting fucked in her ass by more people than anyone else.

And so they like set up like a, like a kissing booth, but an ass fucking booth, essentially.

And it was a couple years ago and like you know they make you just do like a quick AIDS test or whatever and then you're only allowed to fuck her for like 30 seconds or maybe like 10 seconds and then that's what the Guinness people demanded

the point I'm about to make is like there's so much shit the Guinness Book of World Records will reject yeah you know they're like I'm gonna I'm gonna be the guy that fucking eats the most pennies and they're like that's not a real record and then this woman's like I'm gonna fucking set up a toll booth in front of my pussy ass

and just run a fucking easy pass right through, right through my body.

And then, you know, the maximum number of customers would be my record.

And they're like, good show.

Excellent.

Chop, chop, FX.

Videotape it for proof.

Yeah.

What made Guinness get into that game?

The beer company?

I want to call them up and just be like, I think my son is the most retarded boy in the world.

You got to see this fucking retard I got in my garage.

Set somebody down here.

Oh, God.

I'm just like, yo, he's got to set up.

The world's most retarded person.

He drools all day.

Yeah.

And he's got a garden hose in his ass and mouth.

And he's fucking shitting through it.

That was.

Yo, was Guinness?

Was that fucking Guinness beer, though?

I think so.

No, no, is it?

I don't think so.

No, I think it was.

Mr.

Alec Guinness, Obi Wan Kenobi?

Yeah, it was Alec Guinness.

I think it was Guinness Beer.

All that shit came about like in the Ringland brother days, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, like freak shows and stuff.

But Peep T.

Barnum had a fucking store in New York, I think, like his oddity store.

Yeah.

And,

you know, he had like all these different exhibits and shit.

And one of the

one of them was one of them was What Is It?

Which was literally a retarded black guy that

they put in a gorilla costume.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he looked like a fucking, like a

microcephaly or whatever.

He was a fucking pinhead, but

they just put him in a gorilla costume.

Jesus Christ.

What?

These are the current terms for this.

No, I'm not reacting to you.

I'm just reacting to the

time that C.T.

Barnum came out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The what is it?

You know, like, they didn't even bother coming up with the story.

They're like, this is fucked up, isn't it?

What were they thinking?

The amusement is for you to just come here and try to figure it out.

Yeah, right.

And so, like, you think, like, man, people used to be fucked up that they thought that was like an animal.

But there's an account from this guy,

George Templeton Strong, who was like a journalist.

Oh, yeah, this was in that.

It was in the Ken Burns documentary about New York.

And fucking, they have, in that documentary, they have an excerpt from him where he's like, they had an exhibit called The What Is It, you know, which they claim is some sort of inbred chimpanzee or something.

But it's clearly just an idiotic Negro dwarf from the Carolinas.

You know what I'm like?

And it's like, oh, yeah, nobody fell for that.

They all knew.

It's like, this is just a retarded person.

We all knew.

Yeah.

We all fucking knew.

Idiotic Negro dwarf

From one of the Carolinas.

That's hilarious.

Oh, God.

That's like the pizza-faced dude on the train.

He would have totally made a living back then.

Yeah.

He wouldn't have been begging for money.

There's like a dude.

You ever see the dude?

His whole fucking face has melted off?

No.

There's a lot of that.

I feel like when I used to come to New York when I was like

acid or some shit like that.

You would see guys that blew themselves up in meta accidents.

That's the coolest shit I think is being in New York as a kid.

You just see fucking home.

You smell shit.

You see shit.

That sounds cool.

cool yeah that sounds like good for children because then you go back to life like i don't fucking care yeah i see the fucking dude with no face i told this story before but the most new york i saw was on canal street and it was a chinese woman with her like four-year-old chinese son

broad daylight 11 a.m like a wednesday and his pants were pulled down and she was holding his dick and helping him piss all over the sidewalk

she was holding his dick for him and he was using his hands to lift his shirt up.

And it was like.

What was she like bent down?

Yeah, she was like crouching and holding his penis.

She was riding his dick.

How big was a baby Chinese kid's dick?

I mean, huge.

You know what I'm saying?

Chinese people, they got Benjamin Button dicks.

Nick and I yesterday.

That's why it doesn't.

Yeah.

You go see a grown Chinese man's penis is very small, but that's because they age in reverse.

They got the final stage.

They got the final stage penis.

We got dinner dinner last night and we saw some shit that was just like we couldn't even laugh at because it was just like, it was like, all right, this is too much.

But it was like a hipster Japanese guy with a ponytail wearing a yarmulke and seat seat.

He was like, and seatsy, like the strings, you know, like the that Orthodox Jewish people.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The fucking two-hand flag football dress.

Yeah, it was a fucking yeah, so it's a Japanese guy dressing like a Hasid.

He's not Hasidic or whatever.

And it was like

in a non- non-What if his mother.

Well, he was with like another Japanese guy who's like, my vibe is like the 70s.

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

They all had like weirdos.

Yeah, they all had like, you know,

this is like my wave that I'm going to like.

Yeah.

I mean, Japanese people are the trendiest, you know, the most fashion forward.

Like, all the women there look like women that you could win in a drag race.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

They all have that look.

But this guy was like, the thing that he was doing was so funny that you know it couldn't be funny.

It was just we were just looking at it and we're like yeah, and then he goes to leave and he puts a fedora on

and he puts on like a fedora with a feather in it.

He brought multiple looks to the soup restaurant.

Yeah, man.

He said, I gotta have different styles throughout my.

That's some New York shit, though.

You can't do that in Japan.

They're fucking.

What's that?

I mean, I think you can do that in Japan.

Was it Yakaku?

What is it?

You got a fucking

Harakiri.

Harikiri.

Harikari.

No, I was saying to Adam, there was one time I was in Montreal, and I was in the French quarter, and I saw a woman walking a pig, you know, like you would have seen that.

Like you would a dog.

And I was like, oh, shit.

I want to go see what's going on.

So I walk up, and then she's like kneeing the fucking pig in its ass and like trying to push it.

And she's like, sorry, he's having a real hard time right now.

And I look down, and the pig's dick is out.

I never even knew pigs had dicks.

They do.

And you know what's funny?

Is it retractable?

It looks like they're ticked.

It's like a corkscrew.

It does.

It looks like somebody made a joke, and they're like, what's a pig's dick?

It's not how duck dicks are.

Duck dicks are like scorching darks.

Duck dicks are like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're like scorpion from Moral Constitution.

Get over here.

Yeah, they could throw them out, like catch bitches and spiders.

Why are they back in?

I watched a video of a woman getting fucked by a pig

when I was younger.

And she had to wear a burlap sack on her back

because the pig would chew the skin off her back if she didn't have the sack on her.

That's the Marv Albert shit right there.

They're the most like humans of any animal.

You're son.

Corkscrew dick.

Yeah, no, pigs, it's like kind of fucked up.

We eat them.

But people used to, I remember back in the day, they used to be like, yo, son, you can't fuck with pigs.

You can only eat pork because they don't sweat, son.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

don't they don't get diseases or some shit?

They're super intelligent.

Yeah.

Aren't they like their immune system's crazy, isn't it?

I don't know about that.

All I know is that when you let one fuck a woman, you got to put a burlap down.

And that's the extent of my zoology knowledge about fucking pigs.

The tenacity and the bestiality.

You fuck with it, son?

You ever watch that just for shits and gigs?

Yeah.

Well, I used to go to E-Fucked all the time.

Oh, yeah, me too.

What the fuck is that?

E-Fucked was like porn bloopers.

Yeah, porn bloopers.

Yeah, shit going wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like

disasters on set.

Well, anyway, so I'm in the French quarter, and this pig, this woman's like pushing this pig, trying to get it to leave.

And its dick is out, and she's like, he's having a real hard time.

And the pig is coming out of its dick, and then also shitting.

So it's a shitting and coming pig.

She's in like French Canada.

It's too much.

And it's too much.

It's like, this would be so funny to me if it, like, I mean, but it just seems like a fake joke, so I couldn't even laugh at it.

I'm like, that.

What kind of lady was it?

Just some crazy emeralds.

I don't fucking know any details.

Because the coming and shitting.

You can't remember.

I don't, yeah, exactly.

knowledge of.

I was there with my girlfriend at the time, and I'm like, are you seeing this?

That's too much.

Yeah, but she was just kind of like, like, I know this is something you appreciate.

What was she just in the street?

Like, what was she just, like, walking down the fucking in the middle of the road?

Girlfriend?

No, no, the fucking shit.

Oh, oh, the woman.

Yeah, no, it's like the French quarter.

So there's a little park area where,

you know, like French people that don't bathe practice circus tricks, you know, bring their pig in.

Freak shows, which is an anonymous.

So you're saying that's the the Canadian hipster fucking Williamsburg.

Yeah, being French, yeah.

Cool.

Yeah, that's their version of, you know, somebody that used to be punk.

You ever see someone with a cat on a leash?

Yeah.

Yeah, I hate that.

That's fucking weird.

Yeah.

My dog is.

I wanted to kill my dog a couple weeks ago because I usually take her out with a muzzle because she could kill.

Like, she's a pit.

Oh, nice.

She was abused and stuff and whatever.

she can snap, you know.

She's not, she's very friendly in the house.

You know, it's funny.

I was laughing the other day when people talk about how they rescued a pit bull.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I guess the implication there is, like, so from, like, black people.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you see that documentary?

That's the fucked-up part.

It's like, I'm just like thinking of how many black people.

I don't know if any of them have ever had a rescue pit.

They always take pride in, like, yo, I paid

this much for this pit.

Right, yeah.

No, you only did it to me.

But you only rescue pit bulls from black people.

It's not like you're rescuing them from like the Vietnam War.

You know, do you see that documentary?

The iPhone Factory.

The Michael Vick dog documentary?

Yeah, yeah.

That is the funniest thing.

That is so funny because it's the funniest thing.

They send them to Arizona to like a spa for dogs.

They're like, some organizations sending them to like...

It's a documentary that is legitimately only for white people.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, it's about these brave white people that save these beautiful creatures from these heinous like African monsters.

You know, it's like, and you see these like like, retarded white families, like, with their, like, dog that's, like, so clearly fucked up from, like, whatever the shit Michael Vick was doing, like, in

Virginia Beach or whatever.

Yeah, I remember a news story about somebody had a they got a pit bull, and then they had an infant, and they're like, the pit bull is fine around the infant.

And then they hear this, like, blood-curdling fucking scream from the other room.

No, and they go in there, and the pit bull is running around, and the baby is being dragged behind it, like, ass to ass.

And what had happened was the pit bull fucked the baby in the ass, and then it's called a dog knot.

But on a dog's dick at the base, there's like a thick bulb that locks into

the female dog's pussy.

And then

dogs don't really like nut at the end, they kind of just are constantly nutting while they're fucking or whatever.

Nice.

So they get stuck in the pussy, and then they just continue nutting, and then that's why dogs get stuck together.

You know, if you see dogs finish fucking and and they're like stuck together.

So that happened to this couple's baby.

And the baby's just being dragged behind the pit bull by its ass because the dog's coming and caught.

Yeah, and it's like,

yeah, I guess you

gotta watch out.

Yeah, you gotta fucking be careful with those rescues.

You can't believe your babies with the pitch button.

I bet you they didn't warn you about that at the

yoga and dog rescue cupcake shop that you got your fucking,

you know, I don't know.

I just, yeah, yeah, I basically just got her off of the street.

Why?

How?

My friend had a pit, and he was like walking his pit, and then some dude on his block on green, like, not in bedside, like, closer to Bushwick, I guess.

And

this dude was like, yeah, I just was breeding this dog at my grandma's house and like handhaver.

She's just at puppies.

I can't have her.

I think he said,

I don't know.

I wasn't there.

But yeah, so then he, like, he was like, yeah, we got to find a home for this dog in the next three days.

Otherwise, they're going to take her away.

Caldwich, I'll just do it.

Look at a year and a half.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

That's what the fuck is that?

They bred her in her first heat.

So, like, literally, she got her first period.

And they're like, all right, time to time a nut in that puss.

Time to get some monster to like rape her.

How big is it?

Is it a big original?

She's like, kind of a little bit smaller for a pit.

She's really cool.

But yeah, she's traumatized.

Like, out on the street, she's like traumatized.

Anyway, but like there was a street condom out.

What?

Like, I took her out late at night.

Street condoms?

I don't make her wear a muzzle.

And then there was a, we just came up on a street condom.

Who knows?

This is for the moment.

Yo, you made that shit sound like it's such a fucking thing.

I understand.

I guess these homeless people are.

Half the time I don't use condoms.

And I don't understand who these responsible bugs are.

You've never thrown a condom out of the window.

We got to play it safe.

Pardon me, madam.

Dude, I've thrown condoms out of the window before out of the out of a window

or just put them in the that's a curveball or if you're in your car you throw the condom out the window no you just leave it on the floor of your car next to all the cheeseburger wrappers and the gun

anyway she got her she started chewing on it and i literally had to like

i had to pry a bums a bums condom out of my dog's mouth i'm like i'm gonna fucking kill this like i really that was like the least love i ever had for my dog i was like i'm gonna fucking kill this dog.

This shit is a little bit more.

You can't be saving them hoes.

That's like a really, yeah.

It's like, you don't deserve a nice, quiet life that I can't.

You probably give her nice food.

I give her nice food from Costco.

I treat her right.

Yeah.

She repays her.

I used to date this dog.

She's like, Uptown Girl was.

Yeah, exactly.

I used to date this chick that

was from home.

She only gave her dog fucking bottled water, dude.

Oh, really?

That's fucked up.

What kind of dog was it?

It was a fucking mutt, dude.

But like, she treated this fucking dog like it was like, oh my God.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

I think it'd be funny to like go broke, not have any money, but I still have like a macaw.

That's your last, like, no.

That's your last asset left.

Yeah, yeah.

The erotic bird.

She's trying to take Benjamin.

I'll never let them take you, Benjamin.

Just a motionless bird staring back at me.

She has no concept of who I am.

You're trying to guard me, Benjamin.

You stay away from him.

He's my beautiful blue Macaulay.

He's my best friend.

Oh, I love that.

Yeah, that'd be kind of cool.

We can get into exotic birds this year.

You know, I fuck with birds, right?

My first girlfriend had a Senegalese parrot named Patty.

Senegalese.

And that was actually the origin of African Guy Voice.

She had a parrot, like a

Senegal parrot.

And so, like, he didn't speak really, but he was very surly because she had gone on vacation at some point.

And they're very smart animals.

So, you go on vacation, then they think you've abandoned it.

You come back three weeks later, the parrot's like, I'm not fucking friends with you anymore.

And so, it would just hated everyone.

And, like, you know, you go up to its cage and it would scream at you and try and bite your fingers.

And so, I would go up to the cage and I'd, you know, put my finger in it and let, you know, try to bite me.

And then I would do like a voice of him, but he was from Africa, you know, because he's from Senegal.

So I'd be like, get away from my cage.

Get away from it.

Do not come to my cage.

And,

you know, she would like laugh at me like the voice.

And she was like, you just ruined my parrot now.

You can't appreciate my parrot.

Look at him without hearing my voice.

Do not put your finger in my cage.

What the fuck are you doing?

Well, because if you do not bring me a cracker,

because

you do not understand, is that all I want in this world is a cracker.

And you do not bring it to me.

Yo.

Birds live mad long.

Yeah, they shouldn't give it away to some Mexican family.

Oh, fuck.

I was like, you know, they turned him into like Momo Fungu or something.

They're not keeping that as a bird.

Yeah,

either they hate him or somebody's Appalita thinks he's Jesus.

But

she's afraid of him and respects him at the the same time.

There was that in Bushwick, like when I lived in Bushwick.

That chicken factory?

That chicken live kill factory, like in the middle of a neighborhood.

Where would you say by Rich?

By what's it?

Yeah, yeah, on like

Myrtle and Knickerbocker.

Yeah, I know what that is.

They just have like a fucking slaughterhouse in the middle of like a fucking...

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's just like you, and like it smells like fucking shit from like all the chickens shitting everywhere and getting murdered by Mexicans.

Yeah, it smells like salmonella.

My last day, like like I lived in Bushwig 10 months and I was like, I need to get the fuck out.

I feel like I'm the only person that's not 22 years old here.

Yeah, this is crazy.

And my last day, I'm like moving like on the subway.

I had like did three like suitcase shifts on the subway to my new spot because I was broke as fuck.

And I'm like talking on the phone to my mom and I'm like carrying like pulling two bags behind me and I just see it was like American beauty.

I just see this like chicken feather like floating in the air.

I'm like tracking it.

I'm kind of like not even like like it's just like grabbed my attention, and then all of a sudden, it just like whoosh, like, flies into my mouth.

And I, like, I like hung up.

I just, like, started, like, trying to throw up.

It was like one of the grossest experiences of my entire life.

I'm like, I'm never coming back to this neighborhood again.

Let me just go.

That shit sucks.

Yeah, I was like spitting it out.

I was like, this is, this is one of the grossest things I've ever done.

Have you ever eaten a live chick?

Like, not a live chick, but like a chicken that you saw alive and then they fucking killed it.

And then fresh chicken is good.

That shit is delicious, bro.

It's the best.

Fresh any kind of animal.

Fresh kill, you know.

Not me.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's the type of pussy is like right when the life slips out of her eyes.

That's true.

You know,

you can feel her neck muscles just go stiff in her hands.

I've never tasted that before.

When it starts to, you know,

it's just barely getting cold.

You know, it's like a

gazpacho.

Exactly, like a nice lukewarm summer pussy.

Yeah.

With a nice glass of San Creole.

Yeah, that's how I fuck Joe Crump, but only in the summertime.

A nice July.

Me and Ted went up to Chopaquitic and we fucked some dead girls this summer.

How did you dig that?

Oh, it's just too hot to plug.

And a live pussy is 98 degrees during the summertime.

It's simply too hot.

It's perfectly delightful to fuck a dead pussy right in July.

There's got to be a name.

What's the name for that shit?

That accent or that?

No, the fucking act of fucking access.

Acrophilia.

Necrophilia, yeah.

When they're dead, though?

Yeah.

Is that what that is?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I thought that was the shit when you want to feel like you're about to die.

No.

It's when you have

listening to that.

That's called radio being a professional podcaster.

That's the feeling when you just want to die.

Yeah, yeah.

But then you're not, though.

What is that thing they say when you're like you're fucking about to die, you're choking yourself, and then you're like, oh, autoerotic asphyxiation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But no, I don't know the name for it when, like, the name for like a death erection.

But I don't, because like sometimes people, when they get hanged, they'll get hard and nut while they're being hanged.

And I don't know.

That's why it's not so much.

I don't know if that's like a limbic response to death or if it's a.

Oh, because you're making that fucking

nut.

Yeah, I don't know if it's like if it's if it's if it's like, you know, something that just happens because that's the way the body's set set up, or if, like, that's people, they're being hanged and they're like, oh, shit, I'm going to die.

And they're like, oh, this is really hot.

Like, they didn't know that that was the thing they were into until they're being executed.

And they're like, yeah, fuck it.

I'll guess I'll just come in my pants in front of all of France.

Everyone in France is going to see my pants.

What about the people that shit when they die?

What is that?

Everyone does.

It says your asshole gets loose.

So you're saying the guy that comes fucking shits also?

Yes, usually.

There was like a whole South Park episode with the Walmart, remember?

The Walmart episode.

Oh, yeah.

I'm taking over the town.

Yeah.

Isn't that kind of what the pig was doing, but he wasn't dying?

Kind of.

Yeah, that's maybe what the lady was like.

He was having a hard time.

Was it shitting on its own balls like that picture?

Or did that pig in the picture have?

It's just crazy that you go out of this world the way you came in, you know?

Shitting.

Just completely submerged in your mom's pussy.

I was about to say, I'm with the pussy.

Yeah.

Just fucking the shit out of your mom.

That's how we all die.

That would be nice if that's the way out is just you just go up and up.

You have to go.

You have to.

Sorry, mom.

Fetal position.

Mom, I'm coming back.

Yeah, I'm dying.

It's my time.

Open up, bitch.

It's time for me to go home.

Would you go shoulder first or would you go head first, foot first?

If I had to go back into my mom's pussy, would you go?

Tongue first.

I think I would.

Yeah, head first.

Head first.

I pinched.

You put her on like a turtleneck.

I think I'd go in Timberlands first, bro.

Tim's first.

Tim's first.

Hang her upside down and just jump in her.

Just in the Bronx way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd hang her upside down, jump in her.

Yeah.

That uptown rebirth.

Oh, fuck.

Tim's first.

That's what I would do.

I'd go Yankee fitted last.

Yeah, that's going to be a good

slow burn for me.

What is that?

An ice cream bowl?

No.

No, it's an orange with some cloves in it.

Hey, wintertime favorite.

What is that?

You ever smell

clothes and orange?

Fuck, dude.

People love

making shit smell good.

I never grew up in a family where it was like we were like candles.

Do you know that?

You know that

little gay boy that does the Yankee candle

shoes?

I was watching a couple, like, like

30 minutes of it with my friend Ari and my girlfriend the other day and this kid loves every smell like he loves like he's got like 10 different pumpkin ones and he's like this is just incredible this got notes of spice and it's got and then there's one which was

i got more champagne taste than that yeah yeah

well i got i got my girl a um dipteek candle for christmas

yeah um

but no no so uh

then he had uh he had a candle that was like whoopee pie.

That was like the flavor.

It was like a chocolate whoopee pie.

And he's like, and it just smells, it just smells like chocolate cake.

He's like, I came home the other day and I asked my mom, I said, mama, are you making chocolate cake?

And she's like, no, you just left your whoopie pie candle burning.

It was so like, oh my god.

I can't imagine what that guy's like father's like.

He's like probably just busting so many sigs and just being like, are you talking about your gay ass candles again?

And he's like, I don't know.

Light him up.

Yeah, he's probably a nice guy.

He's probably like, I don't know.

He's probably from South Africa and dealing with his gay son the best he can.

Yeah, that's probably true.

But I had a roommate that, like, I guess she passively thought that I smelled, I was like, making the apartment smell or my room smelled or something.

And she started burning just cinnamon water, just like boiling cinnamon water to just make the apartment smell.

That's supposed European that's some weird old fucking shit that's some like I think that's some like waspy kind of Christmas type of shit there was some fucking dude that me and my me and my ex we had a roommate and this fucking guy was like from some fuckingwear Europe

and first of all he would walk around like such a fucking little creepy ninja like he would just oh you'd never know he was there yeah and you just wanted to slap him every time you saw him and he would just fucking make some fucking weird he would eat just peppers bro

you ever see someone just eat a fucking pepper That's some vegan.

Like a bell pepper?

Yeah, like a fucking orange pepper.

It's like vegans.

Vegans do that.

They're like, ooh, I had a great dinner tonight.

I had an individual mushroom by itself.

Bro.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, animals don't even fucking eat that raw.

You know?

It's like a rabbit that's like, yeah, I'm just going to have this one blade of grass for dinner.

Yeah, anyways, yeah, bell pepper by itself, bro.

But your funky pussy is alright.

I trust it.

I don't mind that.

Not too funky, but like a little twang.

It's like, all right.

Yeah, like a southern bell.

Yeah,

a little personality.

I can't see.

Like the taste of her pussy is saying, y'all.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you be like a pussy somalier?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, you can like.

That's all Frenchmen.

Yeah,

they start off like they smell it.

Oh, yeah.

You do not use that spoon on the SO.

Oh, this is the best.

You have to use the smaller spoon on the SO

and then you use your lips.

You have to pump the pussy around your mouth to get the test into your nasal cavity.

Swirl it around in your mouth.

Yes, we have lost every word, but we know how to eat pussy.

Yeah, apparently Paris is just covered in dog shit.

Yeah, apparently it smells bad.

It's just fucking disgusting.

Speaking of

nothing that I just said, but we saw the new P.T.

Anderson movie.

Yeah, me and Nick saw it.

Unanimous review.

It's shit.

Which movie was it?

I just didn't care.

The Phantom Thread.

I called it The Dress Bitch, dude.

It was the guy just being bitchy.

Yeah, that was Adam's big bit.

I was calling it the dress bitch, and he tried it on everyone.

Turns out Adam's the bit bitch because nobody's.

No, no, I thought it was, you know, it's got a pretty good response.

Hey, you know, I'm not being spiteful.

That's my New Year's resolution.

Nobody's going to be able to do it.

I said it.

It's in the middle of the movie, and the whole theater gave me an applause, actually.

Yeah, that did happen.

They were like, I read on NPR that it is the dress bitch.

Yeah, Adam said dress bitch, and then some guy started yelling, African guy!

African guy!

In the theater.

African guy!

Yeah, that was great.

Yeah, I just didn't care about that movie at all.

I couldn't really connect.

Although the ending, they sort of tied up, and it's kind of funny.

The ending was, that line at the end was so funny.

It was, and we were literally the only people in the theater.

I fucking burst out laughing at that shit.

It was so weird.

That's another weird thing.

He's like, maybe we should call that doctor.

She's like, what?

You don't trust me?

He's like, no, I trust you.

You know, like, when you're in a theater and then there are laugh lines, and it's like, no, that wasn't a joke.

You know, there's like, so there are a ton of like

I saw it happen in this movie, and people, the whole like, like, fucking fresh air NPR crowd was like, oh,

I saw a fucking

I saw a fucking it in theaters and they uh

they uh there's that line where Finn Wolfard says to that girl, you know, he's like, okay, who invited Molly Ringwald?

And it was an empty theater, so luckily no one laughed, but I knew people that was that was supposed to be a huge laugh in the movie.

And I was like, I'll tell you who invited Molly Ringwald is the casting director who said, we need the next Molly Ringwald

so that we can fucking then write a joke about clearly looking for someone who looks like Molly Ringwald so we can sell this, you know, 80s.

I hate all that shit, dude.

I hate nostalgia.

Did that take place in place in the 80s?

Yeah, it takes place in the 80s.

But like, Stranger Things and all this shit.

I mean, there's some things that it works for because it's a stylistic choice.

Like, it follows where you're paying

homage to

like older shit.

Yeah, but yeah, but it stands on its own merit.

And then there's like stuff that just sucks.

Like the Ramash Jedi.

Yeah, and it's like, I mean, nostalgia is like kind of a form of sentimentality, and you couldn't get it.

Like, it's why, like, if you made a movie, like radio, you know, they're like, he's black and he's retarded, and people call him the N-word and a retard, and it's like, this is just a dumb trick.

Everyone recognizes it as such, and then therefore it's a bad movie.

But when you do it with, like, everything looks like the 80s, which is also a trick, people are like, no, it's good.

I don't get it.

Yeah, because it's like a fashion thing.

Right.

It's like people love like.

Well, it's just, that's not how storytelling works.

You can't just be like, remember this?

You know?

That's not like.

You're not doing any original work to convey an emotion.

Did you see Star Wars, Nick?

No, I didn't.

Pete, did you see it?

Nah.

I saw it.

It sucks.

Do you think it was really the last Jedi?

No, I think there's going to be more Jedis, dude.

That's the twist.

That's the twist.

No, it's.

I don't know.

I just, didn't care.

What was this?

What was this about when Yoda was born?

No, it's Yoda, but Yoda does come

ghosts.

Yoda's dead because Yoda died in the original movie.

Yoda took place before all of these.

Oh, shit.

Basically, she goes to this island where Luke Skywalker has been mastering.

No, kiddies, me, Yoda.

Master Yoda, why are you talking like that?

I don't know.

They said they would not become a ghost, so I have to talk like these.

Maser, Joda.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's, um,

yeah, well, yeah, and then Luke Skywalker is living there, and she's like, you need to come back.

And he's like, I'll never come back.

It was basically like one of those movies where they got to get, like, the retired guy back.

And he's like, I'm out of the game.

And then they show his life on the island.

He's, like, sucking, or he's, like, milking these, like, duck

penguins, like, titties and stuff, and, like, fishing.

I don't fucking care.

It's just, I didn't care.

And then there was one cool shit where they blew up a ship by going warp speed into it or whatever it's called in Star Wars.

Is it warp speed and Star Trek?

No, it's Warp Speed and Star Trek.

Hyperdrive is Star Wars.

Hyperdrive, whatever.

Which I wonder why they don't do that before.

Just go hyperdrive into other ships.

Yeah.

Japanese style.

Whatever.

And whatever.

It's not.

I'm sure people liked it.

I'm sure

smarter people than me liked it.

That shit is funny.

Nah, Nah, man, because Force Awakens sucked.

Everybody thought it was good, but it's like it wasn't as bad as the original trilogy, you know, or not the original trilogy, but the fucking episode one, two, and three.

Because those were like

just stupid as shit.

Yeah, yeah.

And then these ones are like, back to basics.

We're going to follow the format that everybody knows and loves.

But then they just make like a fucking unnecessary movie that, again, is just like

references.

I mean, but you know, they know there's dummies out there.

Yeah, I know.

You're going to make that money.

If you knew there was dummies, you're going to make your money.

It's more than dummies.

It's that Star Wars doesn't actually need to be good.

Right.

Well, it's not good.

It's not even dummies.

It's the

enthusiast.

Right, yeah.

Not even, yeah, an enthusiast.

It's like, you know, people at large.

It's like, you know, how they got away with just fucking putting bacon on everything.

And bacon is, like, not that good.

Bacon's okay, but I mean, like, you know what I'm talking about.

Like, like, two, four years ago, when everything was like, but have you had it with bacon?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And it's like,

I don't think I need to.

It's like mac and cheese when people are like, but have you had it with chicken and waffles?

Have you had it with shit in there?

With human shit.

Have you had it with cum?

Cornflake cum?

Anyways.

Any fucking ways.

Anyways.

Yeah.

But no, but you know what was good is that Rogue One movie.

I thought Rogue One was cool.

I liked that guy Ip-Man was in it.

Oh, the dude from Ip Man.

He fucks with Ip-Man.

I love Ip-Man.

I didn't watch the last one.

Was it good?

No, I saw the first one.

I haven't seen the second one.

The second one was good.

Was it?

Rug War is good because everyone dies at the end.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't really have to have an attachment to that.

Right.

I don't like that message of hope that the rest of the shit has.

Okay.

You know?

Because it's a conflict.

I'm sure the Empire is right about many things.

The Empire creates a lot of fucking jobs.

They built the fucking like a really enormous, beautiful orb planet spaceship.

Yeah, right.

And then the whole thing started.

they tell you in this original story.

They're really into infrastructure.

Yeah, that the whole thing started with like a trade federation.

So it's like

it was just all economic incentive that benefits all these, you know.

The shit I don't get is that at the end of Return of the Jedi, they have that party and they won and they get like medals and the Ewoks are dancing.

And then they just start another movie and then the fucking

stormtroopers are back, the bad guys are back, nothing has changed.

It's the same shit.

They just give them different names, and they're instead of like the

they're called the resistance instead of the

rebels or something.

You know, it's September 11th, 2001,

and it's fucking

9 o'clock at night, and somewhere in a mountainous region in

forested region in Afghanistan,

it's Osama bin Laden and

the rest of the Al-Qaeda higher-ups partying partying with a bunch of teddy bears.

They're like, you know, the teddy bears are on their laps and they're all singing

and having like a good night.

Oh, chukku, choco.

Chukku, chukku, choco.

And then Osam bin Laden's like,

They're like, Osama, you speak teddy bear?

He's like, I guess so, yes.

I guess I learned teddy bear language at some point.

Yo, is Osama still alive, bro?

Osama bin Laden?

For sure, still alive, dude.

Yeah, he's still jacking off, and he's pretending to be Seek and moved to Dearborn, Michigan.

He owns a Ford Lincoln Mercury.

Yeah,

he owns a Ford Lincoln Mercury.

That's a real car.

Dealership.

Oh, okay.

I was like, Yeah, no, but

that's a good point, Nick.

What if Osama bin Laden is the rebels?

And we are.

yeah, well, everybody recognizes that.

I know you're you're trying to rip on me for making a trite point,

but the only reason I was saying that is to create the visual of the Taliban hanging out with Ewoks, which I think is still a funny thing.

That is very funny.

No, I'm not shitting on the bit.

I appreciated it.

Just celebrating 9-11 with

little chewy.

that means so funny yeah yeah and then lando calrizzian is there too for some reason yeah just the billy d williams oh sama old buddy

i'm mad i lost my third wife to you in a pokemon

but we're still friends

there's gonna be a they're making a han solo movie now young han solo i hope they show

star wars disney is just cashing it out dude yeah Yeah.

And they just bought 20th Century Fox.

Yeah.

So that means that they're going to be able to mash up all the universes.

Yeah.

Because they just bought Fox?

Yeah, 20th Century Fox.

Yeah, so they're going to put all the, they're going to put, I don't, I don't, what is 20th Century Fox on?

Back to X-Men.

All the X-Men movies?

X-Men.

Yeah, they're going to put X-Men in

Marvel in Star Wars, and it's going to just be a real fucking

gangbang

of cool shit.

Um,

how was your Christmas, PD?

That shit was shitty, bro.

You had a bad time.

I fucking uh

hung out with some friends, fucking got drunk, broke up with my girl, you know, regular shit.

Sorry to hear that.

That's cool, it's life, you know.

Yeah, I'm glad you did.

Well, you know,

these bitches be getting too fat out here.

Yeah, it's true.

We got to get the wolf.

You said message to the girls out there.

You want to keep a man?

Maybe take it easy on Thanksgiving.

I fuck with the big girls.

I fuck with all the girls, bro.

You kidding me?

How many I do if it's like my friend's mom?

Okay,

yeah.

All right.

You know,

it's a favor, and it's not even really, you know, I mean, obviously, the sex is going to be bad, but the breakfast?

The breakfast.

You have no idea.

Fucking waffle house?

Crap.

Oh, the breakfast.

Crepe.

She makes crepe.

Throw a little Nutella on that bitch.

Avocados and disastrous.

Oh, fuck, that's so funny to me.

What did you guys do for Christmas, man?

I went to Chinese with my girl.

I had spots at the stand.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so I did shit on Christmas Eve.

Yo, why do Jews go to Chinese food and shit?

I feel like they eat pork on Christmas on the low.

They got pork on it.

They got pork on it.

365.

Sweet and sour pork?

I love that shit.

But Jewish people don't like that.

Jewish people don't like Chinese food.

Sweet and sour pork I can't order every time, but I like it every once in a while when I'm in the mood for like

you know a ball of dough covered in

children's cough syrup.

Yeah, that's all Chinese food is.

What's up with that, though?

How come you guys fucking chicken?

We like it because historically it was the only place open on Christmas was the Chinese food restaurants.

Fucking loyal.

Sometimes it'd be nice to be Jewish.

Yeah, I think like I'm jealous of Jews on Christmas because I would love to

not have to be a part of that.

Yeah, I love that.

Christmas fucking sucks, dick.

Christmas sucks.

Yeah,

every aspect of it.

It's like when you were eight, yeah, it was cool, but like five.

I was always jealous of like the waking up in the morning as early as possible and then going to the tree and there being presents.

I always thought that was really sick and that I was really sad I couldn't do that.

But now as an adult,

I don't fucking, you know.

I got a homie that did fucking Hanukkah and he fucking opened up gifts like a fucking two-timer.

On Christmas.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

that sounds pretty.

That's fucking.

You're going to hell for that shit.

Yeah, you should go straight to

bullshit

which hell though which one rikers

Muslim hell Muslim hell

is like you get fucked by 72 virgin men they fuck you they don't know I can't.

I'm

I'm gonna transition dude to Islam I've been thinking about transitioning to fucking I'm gonna be gay and Islamic gay and I'm gonna transition to gay and Muslims joining join geysis guys geysis i'm transitioning to woman and muslim and i'm gonna dress up like a scary ghost i'm transitioning into a guy that owns a blue macaw named benjamin oh yeah but doesn't have any money i actually don't really it's just me and you benjamin

halting the fucking train train station yeah yeah i love that concept of you as a

vagrant after the fall dude you probably get so much money though like with the fucking bird on your shoulder and like people are just like yo this bird needs yeah ride the train around like ladies and gentlemen gentlemen this is very embarrassing for me to do

i've recently lost all of my podcasting money i'm trying to support my blue macaw benjamin here say hello benjamin i'm not gonna lie benjamin uses a lot of cocaine benjamin is horrifically addicted to fentanyl uh so to support his addiction that's we need twenty dollars from everyone on this train i do have a solo cup filled with my own feces and urine i do not mean to throw it at at you if you cannot provide me with any kind of change, but I will.

I might slip.

It's very fast.

I might slip and fall.

I can't fucking promise anything.

You know, folks, hey, look in his eyes.

This is an eight-year-old parent.

You know, be a good option is if everything goes wrong in life and I just don't have any options to move to Florida and be one of those slip-and-fall insurance people, insurance scam people.

Yeah.

I think that'd be cool.

Well, you know, I just feel like I should be supported forever with VIGs by all the people I've personally made rich off my ripple fucking advice.

Yeah, those people should.

There's people who listen to the show who have made like tens of thousands of dollars off my investing advice.

Yeah.

I could see, I didn't know that.

I didn't know.

Like, I seen a guy the other night.

He was like, I love you.

Like, he looked like he didn't want to say it, but he couldn't hold it in any longer.

I'm telling you, you listen to the show.

Hell yeah, dude.

You listen to the show, you'll get rich, baby.

And he fucking scurried away like a fucking, like he was embarrassed of his life.

The fans are all pretty sweet when you meet them in real life.

No, there was my gay dude there, fucking gay dude.

I was chilling with him at the bar the last show.

Oh, yeah, funny moms, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

Is that his name?

What's his name?

Yeah, his name's Gay Dude.

Yeah, yeah, gay guy.

But he was super chill because, like, he dropped.

You know, when you're just talking, like, whoopa, whoop, and they're like, yeah, I'm gay.

Because it comes that moment where it's like you start talking about pussy and shit.

Like, yeah, you know how these bitches are.

He's like, oh, shit, I'm gay.

I'm like, oh, word.

That's what's up.

Yeah.

So, how is it with you and your man?

You know what I'm talking about.

And, like, same shit.

Exactly.

I mean, we have

a big tent.

Nick, we never talked about this, but speaking of homeless Nick, about that character we were doing on the train one day about a

subway entertainer who's a who's a former lounge act from Vegas who lost it all.

He's wearing like a tattered

tuxedo.

Tuxedo.

And he's just, he has just like a little amp and a little microphone.

Fly me to the moon.

How are you doing, folks?

You got a beautiful family there, sir.

That's a beautiful daughter.

You have a very beautiful daughter, my friend.

Gorgeous.

Gorgeous daughter.

We were also doing like Christian Bale.

He's like having since

he's going to have sex with a girl.

His dick's real small.

And she's like, oh, like, really?

He's like, yeah, so

I'm a character.

There's a character I'm doing coming up.

It's a guy that...

That's really a small dick.

And I'm doing it for the character.

I'm doing it for the character.

There's a character I've got to play that's got a small dick, so it's not that's not me.

I don't know if you're not.

I'm Christian Bale.

It's called Method Acting.

Yeah, alright, well, that's going to do it for tonight.

Thanks, Petey.

Yeah, that's the hour.

Thanks, Pete.

You got anything you want to plug?

Blunt Club, hop on the hood.

Blunt Club.

Check it out.

Check that out.

We got nothing.

So, yeah.

I'm at the stand a shit ton in January.

I got like eight spots at the stand in January.

Great.

Yeah.

I'm in Africa.

I'm smart over there.

Yeah.

Well, they know, they know.

The thing is, I plug the shit on the show and then people will come out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's also called getting smart over there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're a cumboy in Cape Town, South Africa, you want to get me some spots down there?

So you're going to fucking down.

You want to hit the.

Yeah, please

come out to the stand and then I guess let them know you came out because of the show.

Because the more that happens, the more they book me.

And tell them you you heard me on the show too, because I'm at the stand.

Yeah, right, right, right, right.

Tell them that PD sent you.

You know what I'm saying?

That kind of shit.

And then we're back on Funny Moms the 23rd, 24th.

I don't know the name.

All right.

Good night, everybody.

Bye.

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Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We the man to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.