Ep. 82 – Im just one man

Having sex.

I had a dream last night that

we recorded like 30 minutes of an episode and it was going great and I looked down and I hadn't enabled any of the tracks on the recorder.

Oh my god.

Which I guess is a nightmare, but not because it went bad, but because now I have dreams about podcasts.

Yeah, he has that horrible thing.

Which is the real nightmare.

I had a dream the other night that I was shaving my mustache off and crying

while Anya was playing.

Like a woman with breast cancer shaving her head.

That's fucking weird, dude.

I had another dream, too, the same night about like a live-action Garfield TV show.

They just had some morbidly obese man that they painted like Garfield, but he was still nude, so you could see his penis the entire time.

And it was on like, you know, ABC Family.

That sounds like a good-ass show.

Let's do it.

I'll be Garfield.

Well, it's funny because it's like, I like to think of myself as like I'm like good at comedy, and it's the thing I put effort into and have to come up with, but it's just that my brain is broken on a fundamental level.

Yeah, you have some kind of fucked up.

Right, it's just more like symptoms of

comedy is just one way that your brain is fucked up.

The things that should,

one way your brain is operating in a way it shouldn't.

All comedy is, is like you say something unexpected.

Yeah.

And

that'll do it for my humble brag session of the show.

So we're humble brag that you dreamt about, shaving your mustache and crying.

Yeah, yeah.

That's like Jiro dreams of sushi.

Yeah, yeah.

Stop telling me.

My man go to sleep, and he's dreaming about sushi.

And he dreaming about sushi.

Mama, hold up.

All right.

Joining us on this episode is the wonderful,

always insightful.

Big titty amber.

Big titty.

Fat old titty amber.

Jumbo yum yum amber.

Yeah.

Booters.

She writes a lot about her breasts.

And I don't know, a couple of ladies' magazines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good housekeeping.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cat fancy.

Cat fancy.

I'm talking about my kids.

How to breastfeed your cats.

I think the cat fancy was like, why isn't there a magazine for autistic gay men?

Where is my magazine?

Okay, this is good.

The different types of autism.

Trains, standard issue.

Yeah, straight.

The good autism.

Horses.

The good horses.

Is girl version of that.

Knitting.

Knitting.

There's a knitting autism for girls.

And cat fancy, gay autists.

Yeah.

What about lesbian autists?

Cat fancy.

No.

Other lesbians.

They're autistic about

other lesbians.

Okay.

I think they're autistic about frowning and smoking cigarettes.

It was so funny.

There's like some lesbians that live down the block.

And they were like unloading their car or whatever.

And it was like,

I don't know what kind of car it was, but it was like, like it would look like if subaru was like let's make a an even more subarooy super right right right you know it was like an aztec or something yeah this big shoe

had a vagina on it right exactly there was like leg hair on the wheel

was it that um that that asian woman with the mullet no it's it was oh i love her she has a physique like danny devito

i haven't seen her but they were unloading they were unloading the car and like

and this isn't going to have like a good payoff.

But they just, you know, they look like white, like Portland, Maine lesbians.

Right.

And I was like, I bet I'm going to get up there, and the license plate is going to be like a

Lilith.

Yeah, well, like Vermont or something.

And I walk past, and like, of course, it's a Vermont.

But that type of New England lesbo.

Oh, yeah.

I think I told this story, but I dropped my cousin off at a lesbian Burning Man potluck.

And I am not kidding.

There was six Subarus parked in the driveway.

It was like, I was like, Olga, what the fuck, man?

Come on.

This is.

She's like, no, you got me.

This is really good.

This is really funny.

Well, they're good cars.

It's not like they're bad cars.

Yeah.

I like that they were like, we're going to make shit.

It's a Japanese company, and they're like, we're going to make cars for Australians.

Australians.

Yeah, you're right.

Subaru sounds Japanese.

Yeah.

And then all they did was do cars for women that dress like Australians.

Oh, yeah.

Lesbians look like they're in the outbacks.

The khaki.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A a lot of tackle

vests,

short shorts.

Damn, I never thought of Subaru's Japanese.

Subaru.

Well, now you can hear.

It's obvious, but you remember the commercials coming out.

Yeah, they're all funny.

Now you can hear my traditional lesbian accent.

A little bit about me.

I grew up in Vermont.

He's a lesbian.

Eat me, pussy.

Yeah.

My

throw neck steakhouse.

Out.

Eat out back.

Yeah, there we go.

You almost got it.

You almost got it.

Yeah.

Eat out.

Back.

Steakhouse.

That's it.

I like it.

Ah, fuck.

I don't dream anymore because I've been 30 days in a row.

I have been high as shit at bedtime.

I've been eating edibles like they're fucking regular candies.

Shouts out to the cumboy that gave your boy a couple.

He gave me Muddy Buddy edibles, dude.

Yeah.

In Boston.

Shouts out to everyone who came out of Boston, by the way.

And the South Shore Boys.

What's up?

Those chocolates?

No, it's like.

You got poppers in in there so you can raw dog.

Oh,

after you eat them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're high, and your ass is just fucking dilated because it's like you're giving birth.

Right.

I take the medicine that they give men and women that are dilating.

Suck takes poppers and then his ass opens up like Porky Pig is about to come out.

The whole pig I ate comes out.

That's all, folks.

24-hour grocery market through Grubhub that you can order groceries from.

No.

There's one on Grubhub, and they also deliver beer, poppers, and whippets.

Poppers?

Wait, Whippets aren't Whippets illegal?

I guess not.

No, they're just like whipped cream chargers, and they sell them one at a time.

Yeah.

I seamless chips the other day.

Is CO2 illegal?

Nitrous is, you can't, you need a license or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to be racing.

Oh, by the way,

we just make that shit, right?

Yeah.

For the comeboys that,

this is coming out on Wednesday, but on Friday we have a freak show in DC.

in the lot outside the Come Town show.

I will have a nitrous tank, and I'll be selling balloons.

So if anyone wants to get

them, I went to Starscape one time,

and it's just a bunch of guys outside going, balloons, balloons, balloons, balloons.

I got balloons.

He wants balloons, yeah.

He wants to get fucked up off balloon.

I think it would be really cool if like when we.

No, I didn't take them already.

I just sound like this.

This one kid in my neighborhood,

I remember going to his fucking house, and

he got addicted to heroin or whatever.

He's been in rehab a bunch of times.

I want to hang out with that guy.

I went into his house.

I was friends with his older brother, and I was just hanging there, and I just saw 12 cans of whipped cream, and I was like, hell yes.

Tell him to fucking eat.

I didn't think about the whippet factor at all.

And all it was is.

I thought it was an IA party.

Yeah.

And it was an ice cream.

And I just ate.

I just sucked off all this flat whipped cream because they had taken all the whippets out.

I like how this story started with some guy that fucked up and got addicted to heroin.

And then the ending is

your horrific topping addiction.

Yeah, I'm just snorting sprinkles.

Yeah.

Nah, they had a deep fryer in the basement, and there was a bunch of shit left over in the basket.

And I was sucking on that while they were.

The oil.

That sounds good.

They were sucking Freon out of the back of the fridge while I was eating sour cream that was about to expire out of the front.

Symbiotic relationship, man.

Dude.

Yeah, they're barnacles, and you're the whale.

I do want to get a hold of Oedipus, though.

I kind of want to get some barnacles for my body.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I think that would be cool.

Right.

People are like, what the fuck is that?

I'm like, I'm helping the environment.

That's right.

Is that what barnacles do?

Yeah, they suck your dick and exchange.

In exchange, the shark gets to have barnacles on it.

Oh, no, I didn't know that.

That sounds good.

Yeah.

That sounds good.

Yeah, it's like a tapeworm.

They make you beautiful.

So, if you put a couple barnacles on your nuts, it could suck your dick.

That's true.

Yeah.

Well, let's get barnacles, boys.

Go down to the docks.

It could just suck the cum straight from your nuts.

Would it feel like you're ejaculating?

No.

Yes.

Well, then I'm back in.

I changed my mind.

Boom, boo, boo, boom, boom, boom.

Science rules.

There's got to be like very primitive animals that are just basically a mouth that you could get to suck.

Like a clam?

Yeah, like there's got to be species of clams.

Oh, you've seen that video of the chimp opening the frog.

Fucks the frog's mouth.

That's different.

That's rape.

You saw that thing that came out this morning?

That's why all those Pepe guys, they embrace the frog because the chimp is black people, obviously.

With that frog.

They're like, this is how it is.

It's a metaphor.

That video started it off.

Like, this is how I feel in in life.

I feel like that frog being

mouth fucked by my natural enemy, the chimp.

That fucking chimp went to town on that frog's mouth.

Well, I like that.

The chimp looks like it barely gives a shit about what it's doing.

Yeah.

And the frog

masturbates with glee.

Me.

Nick is all smiles.

Right.

And he combs his hair, he takes a shower.

Anytime you hear musicals coming out of my room, you know what's going on.

Turn the beat around.

Yeah, I listen to Gloria Stefan when I track off.

Choreographed.

I would smash Gloria Stefan.

Current day?

Current day.

Oh, Miami Sound Machine?

My eyebrows are raised.

You know what I mean?

Interested.

That's what eyebrow raising means, right?

I don't know how to use my eyebrows.

Two raises in quick succession is you're up to something.

Yeah.

Right?

Let's see how long we can do this instead of actually talking.

This is going to be our best episode.

All right.

Okay.

Wow.

No, no.

This is the episode where we only communicate with eyebrows.

Terrible.

Suck my dick around.

Suck me.

Man from the back side.

That's good.

Yeah.

Did you see a picture of Mark Maron wearing the pith helmet?

Oh, yeah.

Everybody was questioning, you know, when when I said mailmen wear pith helmets.

People are like, what the fuck are you talking about?

And you were like, taking the bitch.

He dresses like Babar.

I told you.

What was Marin doing?

Exciting new project?

I don't know.

He's a real mailman?

Yeah.

He got a job as a mailman.

I've never cared what Mark Marin is doing.

He's delivering Me Too letters to powerful men in Hollywood.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck, dude.

TJ Miller, speaking of.

Jay Moore?

TJ Miller.

Oh, T.J.

Miller, yeah.

TJ Miller's story dropped today.

He he beat he beat and raped, didn't he?

Yeah, well, he like violated consent within the context of the relationship.

I mean, the real bad thing is the beating.

Yeah, yeah, so he beat the shit out of a woman, yeah.

Fuck TJ Miller, yeah, that's some bullshit, yeah, yeah, you heard it here, fuck first.

Yeah, I don't know why I even brought it up.

I was like, well, maybe we could say something funny about it.

Nah, probably not.

That sounds pretty bad.

Yeah, You're all excited about it.

You're like, oh, here's it.

And I'm like,

this, I'm like reading it to you.

You're like, oh.

Right.

Well, I was hoping it would be something where he did like a bad improv bit, like in the direction of a production assistant.

Yeah.

He pulled his dick out as a bit on stage.

He slapped a woman around and knocked one of her teeth out.

And you're like, oh, that's not funny.

Yikes, that's not funny.

When are we going to get Bobby Leeson toy?

He's a funny guy.

He resorts to that material.

Yeah, yeah.

He's a better comic than me.

What about Bobby Lee, whose clothes are used to be pulling his dick out and putting on the audience's shoulder?

Yeah, but he would do it to men, which is okay.

I'm still firmly in the camp of men can't be sexually assaulted.

It's funny when men get raped.

Straight men cannot be sexually assaulted.

Okay.

Or sexually harassed.

But gay men can.

Yeah.

By other gay men?

Or by straight guys or or by women.

Mainly by women.

Oh, yeah.

You know how that goes.

Yeah.

They're really, whatever.

Is that an issue you could do?

Am I the only one?

And this is probably, somebody probably already does this as like a hack bit, but I think about it.

Like, when you hear sex predator, you'd think about predator from the word predator.

Yeah, yeah.

The word predator is.

So it's like, it's like the worst thing.

It's like a black guy with dreads, but his face is a vagina with teeth.

Oh, and he sucks your dick with that pussy mouth and it rips and it fucks it up.

All teeth.

That's brutal.

I would hate to have that happen to me.

Yeah.

Did you guys ever see Teeth?

That movie with the girl has teeth in her pussy?

I didn't see it because that was like the first of the movies that was like, I felt like

necessitated by a thing people were talking about online.

That's a good point.

Yeah.

I feel like it made the rounds.

Yeah, I would say that.

I'm sure it was good.

I mean, there's plenty of movies that are good, but like, they just, it was like this, like that, you know, the fucking piss pig granddad movie that's coming out.

There's a piss pig granddad movie.

What?

Yeah.

Really?

Who's gonna?

Is it Joanna?

You don't remember that off of it?

No, yeah, like before he even got back from Syria, it was like Jake Gyllenholt.

They like optioned his life without asking him.

Yeah.

He's not gonna see his dime.

He's not seeing Syria.

But Jake Gyllenholt was like, yeah, playing him.

He risked his legal freedom by doing that.

I mean, like, there was just some serious concerns about the future.

And it's Jake Gyllenholt.

Just be thinking

if you go to Syria to murder ISIS, you should at least

get to see the set of the Avengers.

You'll get to hang out in Hollywood.

It'd be more fun.

That would be like a story.

I also do a movie without asking him, but the story is

about that happening.

The movie.

So it's a story about a guy who goes to Syria to fight ISIS, you know, and then somebody starts making a movie about his life and he gets mad, so he goes to Hollywood where he's raped by Brian Singer.

as a grown man.

It's called the piss pig granddad story.

He's like, none of that happened to me.

I'm like, you don't understand that tant.

And you just go back to shooting Arabs.

Let me

be this.

You ever hear the expression, send for a poet?

That's me.

That's my role.

You know, I do poetry.

I've never heard that expression.

Yeah, what is that?

You ever heard send for a poet?

No.

Amber probably has.

Yeah, you've heard that.

All right.

Wow.

It reminded me of.

Well, that's another.

I'm the expression guy.

Like asking a poet to write something nice for you?

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

Okay.

So if I wanted to seduce a woman, I would send for a poet to write a poem.

A Serrano de Bergerac.

That's what you want.

Yeah.

The guy with the big nose.

Yeah, so you.

Adam is the guy.

Adam is like,

tell her, like, pretend like the movies she likes are dumb, but then

say actual dumb movies that make you sound smart.

Yeah, that's true.

Give three arbitrary facts about where she's from.

Uh-huh.

Tell her that McGruber was the best movie in the last 20 years.

McGruber is really 20 years.

Yeah, yeah.

It is.

I do fuck with Mr.

George.

I really think it is.

Yeah.

You think that's the best movie of the last 20 years?

I think it's maybe the best comedy.

I haven't seen Macruber, but Tropic Thunder is like way up there for me.

I think McGrubert's best comedy to come out in the last 20 years.

Yeah.

Like scripted comedy.

I think Borat and Jackass are also very funny.

You know what I liked a lot as far as comedy in the last 10 years?

Remember Clown, the Danish movie?

Yeah, yeah.

Clown.

With a K?

Yeah.

No, I don't remember.

I don't know.

Clown or whatever.

Clown.

Yeah.

It's about this guy who wants to prove to his girlfriend that he can handle a serious relationship, so he takes his nephew on a road trip with his horny friend.

But, you know,

the boy doesn't grow or change at all.

He's just sort of there while they're exposing him to all this sex shit.

It's really funny.

That's pretty good.

I'm going to check it out.

It was on Netflix for a while.

So So it's a grown man and his horny friend?

Yeah, and it's Danish, so you got to read.

So you feel smarter at the end.

Oh, I don't want to read.

Fuck that shit.

Fuck reading.

Reading can suck my dick.

It's like, I've actually been reading.

I'm reading The Bronx is Burning right now, and I've also read

that.

You've been reading it for like four and a half months.

No.

I've been reading it for two weeks.

However long it's been.

Do not come to Amber's defense.

Thank you, Amber.

I have been reading Breaks of the Game

of Death.

It's like imagining Stav in in bed, and he's like turning the page, and it's just you look down, and then it's just barbecue sauce and chocolate.

The full page.

It's completely blacked out.

Oh, shucks.

It's missing pages.

It's so hard to read.

Yeah, I have to buy the book.

I have to buy the book four times.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I'm missing the last chapter.

Man, I kept feeling like I had just was leaking shit out of my head.

Yeah, you kept saying that last night.

And then I would run into the bathroom and

check, and I wasn't shitting myself, but I just had this sensation that I was shitting myself.

Yeah, you kept running to the bathroom.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Is it cocaine?

It might have been a cocaine.

Caucayena always.

You know what I'm talking about?

We all are kind of backsliding here.

We're having bad stations shitting himself.

Yeah, dude.

We're all doing a lot of drugs right now, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I just want to die.

I hope I die soon.

You need to buy something new.

It would be such a good thing.

I already bought all the shit.

The wheel was kind of the end of the road where it's like.

You bought a wheel.

Yeah, this is excess.

You bought the wheel.

You bought the fucking weight vest.

What else, man?

Guns?

This bank won't

buy a computer.

Yeah, the bank.

I tried to buy that new iMac, and they were like, that's too expensive.

I'm like, you don't get to make that choice.

Actually, we do.

What?

Yeah, the bank isn't allowed to buy an iMac.

Allowed to

buy $3,500.

They're like, you're not allowed to spend more than $3,500.

I'm like, like, that's not how the bank works anymore.

It's our money.

It's never happened before.

I'm sorry.

The people that go to this bank don't have anything.

Right, right, right.

Well, I bank it amalgamated, so they assign you a Puerto Rican girlfriend that gets mad at you for buying it.

Uh-uh, puppy,

you are not buying that shit.

You are not bringing that into my house.

Like, you don't live here.

I would love.

Dude, if a bank assigned you a Puerto Rican girlfriend,

I can only see you in between noon and 2:30 p.m.

on Monday through Wednesday.

The only hours you're open.

Man, the banks get really fucking bold with their hours, don't they?

Oh, they're just insane, yeah.

And then it takes like days to, even when they are open, it's like, oh, that won't process for another seven.

The amount of money is terrible.

A bank on a Saturday is open for about an hour and a half.

It's like 11.30 to

9 to 12 usually.

Yeah.

I feel like I always miss it if I have to go to the bank on a Saturday.

Sometimes I'll go to the branch I go to in Union Square and there'll just be a thing.

It's like, we're closed today.

There's just no reason.

Just like a fucking note in the window.

If anything gets an email?

Note to our customers.

We will be closed November 6th for closed.

We're just closing.

Closing day.

Yeah, the ramen place by me closes sometimes.

Yeah, that's like a bank.

It's a bank for me.

I use it more than my bank, honestly.

I have gone to that ramen place more often than I've gone to my bank.

I was refused ramen last night.

Maybe we should get swords.

I want I would get a sword

to bring just to

bring to the ramen place.

I would love to cut up lines with a fucking sword.

Fuck yes, dude.

And then a broadsword to take the lines off of.

You're using a guitar to cut up the lines on your big music story.

And then he made me do lines off his sword.

That's cool, man.

He never asked for anything sexual, but it's the most violated and dirty I've ever felt in my life.

He made me do lines while playing Call of Duty and saying that.

You have a gay guy that does lines off dildos by himself at home.

Hell yeah.

That's cool.

It never goes soft.

One day.

One day it'll be a guy's cock.

Me and Adam were laughing last night.

And by me and Adam, I mean me at his house, and I told him about it.

He's like, you know, like the Freddie Mercury movie, the scene where he's like dying of AIDS and he's on his deathbed and like Brian May's there.

He starts like, he's like, I feel okay, I think.

He starts like coughing up, just calm.

He looks at the napkin.

Looks at the napkin and he sees it, and he's like, it's fine.

Freddie, what is that?

Yeah, yeah.

That better be blood.

The doctor.

It better not be Jizz.

That's how you know you have terminal AIDS.

Yeah, it's good to laugh at these things.

I think I mentioned it, but I saw Behind the Candelabra.

Yeah.

And Michael Douglas' character, Liberace,

died of AIDS in that as well.

Yeah, that's true.

That is true.

He looked really bad.

Liberace had a hairpiece.

Would you be able to

live out as

who is that?

The McCarthy lawyer?

Roy Cohn.

Roy Cohn, yeah.

That would be a fun movie.

Well, Al Pacino plays him in Angels.

That's America.

Yes, he does.

And he's fucking sick.

That's right.

I forgot so.

Never mind.

But then I forget that that is already a movie.

Yeah, like a woman.

I know it's not a movie, but he's in a fucking heralded movie.

Dude, they got Roy Cohen.

Oh, I thought, you know what I thought this was?

I thought this was a new cryptocurrency.

What is it?

It should be.

It's like somebody just posted

Nig X instead of Nigga, and it's a non-gender binary version of Niga.

It's the gender-neutral,

no,

dude.

That's too much.

Oh, I love it.

That's like the Latin X of the N-word.

It's already gender-neutral, though.

Yeah, I think so.

No, it's not.

You can call it.

It's like bitches for women.

And I don't mean to be culturally appropriative.

Yeah, don't culturally appropriate.

I don't want to.

Yeah.

But no, I mean,

yeah, it's not.

N-words and bitches.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what it is?

It's gender-neutral in the same way like guys is.

Right.

Where it's like.

Which is not gender-neutral, and if you say it, it's offensive.

I've learned that.

Right, but it's

like everyone pretends like the N-word is offensive when it's like, no, I'm talking about men and women.

The whole race is the problem.

I called a trans person dude, a trans woman.

But I say dude to like...

Everyone.

Yeah, I call Amber dude.

Right.

That's what I mean.

Like, I say you guys all the time.

Yeah, and I say the N-word to trans people all the time also.

Flora is doing that bit about how y'all is the only truly gender-neutral pronoun.

No, people are, it's not even a bit.

People, like, use that inactive.

It's stupid.

It's like you

don't say y'all.

Well, you heard it here first, folks.

Samber thinks Jake is a bad comedian.

He's a hack.

Yes.

Take that, Jake.

Poor Jake and his new weird haircut.

He's got a haircut?

No, he's just been growing his hair out.

He's like Charlie Manson.

Oh, yeah, it's so thin.

Jake, join us, brother.

Yeah.

Join our ranks.

Yeah.

You should get a piece, dude.

I'm going to get a piece someday.

Well, Jake's been shitty as long as I've known him.

It receded all the way to the back of his head and on his temples, but then it still stayed in the middle without like

the penis.

No, not the penis.

I don't.

You know, when like

a bald guy's head, he gets the same thing.

I've heard you do this bit, A, to me.

It's not a bit, dude.

It's just a description of a way that male pattern baldness works.

You say, oh, he has the penis.

And you say this way you think is going to be funny.

I'm not saying it in a funny way.

I'm just describing.

Klaus Nomi, that guy's just long.

Yeah, he does.

He does have the Klaus.

Klaus Nomi, fine.

Is that the penis?

No, he's another age.

Who's Klaus Nomi?

He was like,

he's like a clown, yeah.

He's like Bowie but American, sort of.

No, he's German.

He's German.

Klaus Nomi.

Fine, fine, fine, fine.

He's German.

He'd come out of like the East Village.

Yeah, yeah.

He was like a New York-based guy.

And he used to, he was a soprano.

He used to sing.

He was in the Sopranos?

He was in the Soprano.

Yeah.

He was like.

Was he the guy in the woods that they had to hunt down?

The piney

great episode.

Yeah, no, and he was really gay.

Oh, yeah.

Unlike Bowie, who tried to be gay and then couldn't do it.

Didn't he fuck Mick Jagger?

I don't think it was Mick Jagger.

David Bowie fucked children.

He was a pedophile.

David Jagger.

They all were fucked up.

David Bowie said he was gay, and then they asked him about it years later, and he was like, oh, yeah, that was a bit.

He was like, miss me with that gay shit.

I tried to fuck a guy, and it just sucked.

No, he said he definitely had sex with men.

Yeah, he's like, I was like a closet heterosexual.

That's a lot of fun.

No, he's like, I tried it on with men, but honestly, it really didn't take.

I love pussy.

But he definitely had sex with a lot of

pussy.

I heard there was a rape story coming out about Michael Stipe, and that would really upset me if that's true.

Yeah, you're a Hera Loki R.E.M.

fan.

I'm not a Loki.

I love R.E.M.

I would be upset if Michael Stipe was a boy rapist.

That would suck.

Yeah.

What are their songs?

Losing My Religion.

That's right.

They have a lot of penis.

Yeah.

That's my favorite album.

That's good.

I like Out of Time more than

Eponymous.

I was never really into them.

I didn't know how to say Eponymous until like 10 years after having first read it.

There were words I just avoided.

That stopped.

I remember that used used to happen to me when I was reading, but now that I don't read, I know how to pronounce it.

It's so funny how often the Chapo guys say words wrong.

Oh, God, Felix.

Because they read too much.

Well, Will, too.

Will say that's the other thing.

Will say rather

than a person.

He says that

a Boston Brahmin.

Well, it's funny because none of those guys had ever spoken out loud until the podcast.

They only communicated.

How about Rustine's party?

How about Rustine's party?

It was so funny.

Isn't he at a party and we show up and somebody let the Chapo guys be in control of the the TV?

I don't think you'd even let them.

Felix just grabbed it.

Oh, we're watching Iranian parliament fist fights.

All these people are like, what the fuck is going on?

Can we put on Mariah Carey Christmas?

No, we have to watch

Yemeni train crashes

on Live League.

It was on mute.

We could listen to Mariah Carey and watch it.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

That's true.

Definitely not the typical Christmas party vibe.

Damn, I didn't get any pizza either.

Mike and Deborah were just making food the entire time.

I didn't see them.

I felt bad for this.

This is why this country never had a sophisticated military.

You know who I felt bad for is Oliver.

It was his birthday.

Little dog.

The little doggy.

My brother just adopted a dog.

What kind?

Little husky mix.

She's cute as shit.

She's little.

A girl dog?

Girl dog.

Girl dogs are better.

She's got ice blue eyes.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah, she's cute as shit.

I don't know what he's going to name her yet.

Any suggestions for my brother's dog's name, guys?

Stavros.

Stavros.

But it's a girl.

Maybe like Athena, like a Greek goddess.

My mom named her cats Melina and Aleki, which is two pretty

Greek Aleki.

Ailiki.

Aleki.

Ailiki, your penis.

Two pretty

penis.

Aleki.

What?

No, it's pussy.

What do do you mean?

My dog was named after an Egyptian goddess.

Yep.

Of blowing up the birds.

The dog was named after the caliphate.

The dog, the

dog,

in a different kind of caliphate called The Dick He Ate.

The dick he ate?

Yeah, that's true.

You ate a dick.

Yeah, that's true.

Adam, how's Hanukkah going, buddy?

I've gotten.

I got a book for my girlfriend.

Oh, that's cute.

That's the only Hanukkah gift I've gotten.

It's called Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man.

Steve Harvey.

I would like to read that book, actually.

Oh, no.

I was like in Borders one day just thumbing through it for a while, just like weeping to myself in the aisle.

Maybe we should read it at the live show.

We should read a chunk

of the Steve Harvey series.

Yeah,

I think that's where we should try out our eyebrow communication.

Oh, yeah, because finally people will be in impressed.

The reason it didn't kill is because no one could see us.

Oh, no, I think it probably did kill.

I think it was killing in the middle.

We don't know.

There's no way you could.

Oh, yeah, Nick just found out about the pipecast theme.

No, you know what?

I knew about it when you first did it, and I've forgotten about it.

Yeah.

And then hearing it again.

It's great.

It's catchy.

It's catchy.

It's art.

It's not illegal to use the song.

It's right up there with Where Everybody Knows Your Name.

Yeah.

One of the most iconic theme songs.

Where Everybody Sucks Your Day.

No, it's Where Everybody Knows You're Gay.

Yeah.

Show called Queers.

That's right.

And that's, first of all, that I would even have to explain that to you.

Yeah.

It still breaks my heart.

It's very surface level.

There's Gay Ted Dancing.

I'm still laughing about straight Fraser.

Coming around at the time.

Regular Fraser.

Gay Ross.

Niles.

Why don't you come over here and suck my penis, Niles?

Oh, but Fraser, I don't know if that's right.

That sounds exactly like the

guys, what are you doing?

Yeah, stop sucking each other off.

You're really about an impression.

Yeah, that's a bad thing.

Irf, Irf, I'm the gay ass dog.

Earf.

The dog wasn't gay.

Shut up, man.

Oh, suck.

That's cool.

Eden, you've got a little penis.

There's a show called Suck Bone, and it's about a dog that reads gay porn and then goes into the gay porn.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Little Jack Dan, or Jack Russell's Terrier.

Suck about it.

Who's Jack Russell?

He's the only guy in history to get a dog named after.

No, there's King Charles.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, but he's a king.

Jack Russell is just some guy that's like, yeah, I came up with this.

Check this out.

Boom.

A little dog.

That's what Wishbone was.

The mask.

Yeah, Jack Russell.

Jack Russell would be a good name for, like, I don't know, one of those subscription box services for retarded man.

Yeah, I just got my Jack Russell box.

It's a tiny dog, a wooden condom.

You know?

Got a lot of splinters.

Have you guys ever used non-latex condoms, like a lamb's wool condom?

No, I never have.

Do you have a latex allergy?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Wow, shit.

A polyurethane, that's like a wood wood finish.

They break.

No, it's like skateboard wheels and

bowling balls.

Damn, bro.

They break.

Might as well just raw dog.

Honestly, pulling out is just as effective as condoms.

Just as safe.

In terms of contraception, it's just as effective.

Not in terms of SCDO with it.

That's true.

It's 100% true.

Look it up.

Well, it's not just as effective.

It has the same failure.

The busting inside is just as effective.

No, it's not.

It's

blowing a fat fucking load all over the back wall.

It's over a certain age, Jack.

It's sticking your dick into the cervix and coming into the cell.

Condoms suck, dude.

That is a fact of not in terms of how they feel because they feel like shit, but condoms suck in terms.

They break all the fucking time.

I mean, you know, you know, I bust inside

when wearing a condom.

Yeah, but that's because you have women's cum and it won't mix with the eggs.

You have to meet a really masculine woman that has sperm eggs.

Yeah,

I did a lot of shot putters.

Yeah.

I did go into

one of the tweets someone used as evidence of your misogyny?

What's that?

You're telling me one of the tweets that someone used as evidence of your misogyny was like.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I had pointed when people were going off about like, here's hard evidence.

This guy's a piece of shit.

And one of them was like, it was a tweet where I was like, it's fucked up that women have eggs like spiders.

That's what you can't do.

You can't trust them.

It's like, yeah, he literally thinks women are spiders.

That is a good point.

Well, you're literal human garbage.

Women are fucking spiders, man.

Sorry, Claire's asking for the link to

the web series.

I didn't realize it was out.

Everyone looked at the editing on the Patreon, but I guess it fucked up.

Everyone, the web series is out.

What do you mean?

She was in it.

Oh, Claire.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

That's probably, you know, we put out some hot content, and I think you're really going to be surprised by the level of

attention to detail, professionalism,

tenacity,

oh, tenacity, all right.

Fuck, man.

There's no way you can solve it.

I think I'm going to go home for a whole week.

I think I'm going to be home for a week.

What are we going to do by recording?

I'm going to go into Africa, dude.

Oh, fuck.

Whatever.

Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bum.

Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.

No, I'm doing Toto.

You're not allowed to sing it.

You're not allowed to sing it.

Only me and Stav are allowed to sing Toto.

So that band is named after.

You have to be in Africa, dude.

I don't give a shit, dude.

Yeah.

After you go to Africa,

if you dare bless the reins while you're there.

Bless the reins.

If you bless those reins, you better tow the fucking line and back off Toto.

I'm doing.

Those are the only two Toto songs I know.

I wish I knew more so I could continue.

They wrote Human Nature by Michael Jackson.

Nuh.

Yeah, well, it's human nature for you to

Rosanna.

Rosanna.

Yeah.

Human nature.

Had Rosanna Arquette in the video.

Human sex.

Oh, really?

With boys.

Tell them that it's human nature.

I actually don't like having sex with boys.

Right?

I don't know enough Toto to like them or not like that.

Are they named after the dog from Wizard of Oz?

They are.

Africa's alright.

That's a great song.

Something about it seems off, though.

I don't know what it is.

Yeah, I don't know.

That's how Toto is.

You know what I don't like about

that song?

It's like, and this is going to sound stupid because it is.

But

lyrically

and

just the way the music sounds, like, thematically, they don't align.

You know what I mean?

The way the song makes you feel, it's got sort of like a melancholy tone, but the lyrics themselves aren't.

Right.

It fucks with my head.

I know what you mean.

There's songs like that that it's like a real fucking upbeat melody and it's about killing yourself or whatever.

Yeah, I understand because there's like an irony there.

But when it's like a melancholy song and it's just about like, you know,

we have lyrics.

Yeah, exactly.

They should have, you know, it's like somebody came up with a good song and then like the songwriter.

They phoned it in.

Yeah, right.

They were just like, yeah,

you know, good times and lollipops and rainbows.

And that song makes me cry.

Puppy dogs and sticking your dick inside of a flashlight looks like a a pussy.

Loves that song.

Yeah.

Frank Sinatra.

Yeah.

When I was 17,

I sucked on a man's day.

Just kidding, I would never fucking do that.

Don't look at me that way.

You fucking piece of shit.

I've never been gay.

When I was 17.

Sinatra had a nice run, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, you know, it's so crazy.

It's so crazy.

It's like,

I know, you know, Sinatra's in man heaven right now, looking down at all this Me Too stuff and being like, thank God.

Thank God we're here in the man cave.

Yep.

Him and all the fucking all those guys raped big time.

Oh, of course.

It's him.

Man Heaven is him.

Winston Churchill.

Abe Ruth.

Adolf Hitler.

Okay.

Saddam Hussein.

Peter Shea, Hitler was

a bit fetted, though.

Yeah, he was.

Yeah, Hitler's too gay to be in Manhattan.

Yeah, didn't he get his nuts blown off in World War II?

Adam Carolla is up there.

A lot of people don't know this, but Adam Carolla died after they canceled the man show.

And this new guy is an imposter.

He's doing a poster.

You know who the new Adam Carolla is?

The guy that used to be Andrew W.K.

They cycle to be Andrew W.K., you have to become Adam Hulk.

Makes sense.

He became like a super duper reactionary, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's like a real libertarian.

And has

no career, really?

No, he actually does well.

Yeah, his podcast is pretty cool.

He's actually

big audience then.

No, no, he was actually

on the top.

He was probably on the first wave of self-funding or shit.

Even though he doesn't, like, him and Jimmy Human will probably never talk.

Like, the trajectory of the future.

Well, even when the man shows on the table.

I would love to see them resentful.

We still fight each other.

Even when the man show was on, Kimmel was like, you know, like, this is all stupid.

I don't like these.

He's like, I don't want to say I resent my audience, but he's like, I'm not a frat guy.

It's like, this is just a performance for the show.

And he's like, from where we're sitting.

It's like the same thing we have.

Right, right, right.

We're intellectual.

We make nothing but racist and rape jokes, but when our audience does it, it's wrong of them.

Yeah, because we make money off of it.

It's somehow different.

It's complex.

It's very foolish.

It shouldn't be judged based on our words.

That's right.

It is a really weird thing, though, to

see clips of the man show now, and you're like, how was that on TV?

The one with Andy Milanova.

It's like, oh, this is offensive, but it's like, God, this is so dumb.

The boy.

Yeah.

It wasn't Andy.

There's also, Jimmy Kimmel just, there was a bit where he's Carl Malone and he just didn't

have a body.

Not black face.

They fucking brown his ass out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He has black muscles.

That's the dream.

Black muscles, dude.

That's what I want.

I mean, like, I know it sounds racist, but if we could just harvest them for their bodies and give us their bodies and then fix the skin.

That's me, too.

You know, I could have their heads surgically removed and placed on a black man's body.

Yeah.

And then we, you know, make his skin the right color.

That's right.

That's right.

You know, but we did it without hurting them.

Mm-hmm.

It's humane.

Yeah.

We could sew all of their heads together into like a big rag.

Basketball.

You're kind of getting like park muscle workout guy physique now.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, because you're a pull-up guy now?

Yeah, you're a pull-up guy now.

There's a guy like a block away from me where I walk my dog who just is an outdoor workout man.

The outdoor workout guys are the best when they wear no shirt, gloves, beanie.

Yeah,

beanie, gloves, no shirt.

And then Bluetooth speaks.

I don't understand the gloves.

It's like, why don't you want callister?

Shirt and pull it up.

That's cool.

So it's like a hood.

Oh, yeah.

That's like a porn thing they do, too, where they take a t-shirt and they put it behind the bag.

There's a porn thing.

I see

people on the train doing that, like wearing it like in a baya or something.

It's very weird.

Like it's like a, they drape it, and it's like, why are your arms still in the sleeves?

The outdoor work I got recently got one of those Bane masks.

Those like

breath suppression or whatever, oxygen.

I wear those to beat off.

Yeah, yeah.

So when I'm making it.

I think you're your own heavy breathing.

Yeah, yeah.

But a couple weeks ago, I saw him doing sprints up and down the block on green with his girlfriend piggybacking on him.

And then she like fell off a couple times.

Oh, that dude.

Yeah, that dude.

Yeah, that guy.

He yelled at her.

He yelled at her for not holding off.

For falling off.

He's jacked.

Really?

He's insanely jacked.

Damn.

Does he have a job otherwise?

Daily Mail.

Photos show inside the derailed Amtrak train.

Oh, my God.

He was making his girlfriend.

I just saw that thing, and it's like, God, everything we have in this country is expensive and will kill you.

Well, I just love that the Daily Mail is like a train derailed.

I guess what people want to see is

the inside of the train where blood is splattering on

the fucking dying car.

No, it's the real expensive one, I guess, because it's that one that people take to Seattle to Portland.

Yeah, it's the V's amount of time.

All of them are the real expensive ones.

Amtrak's a fucking

particular one.

Because I don't think Amtrak has ever been profitable.

Really?

Yeah, it's subsidized by the federal government.

Yeah, it's subsidized by the government.

And it still costs that much?

Yep.

They just don't pay.

Well, they don't have any competitor, but also there's no central control, so there's no price.

So it's like

the worst of both.

It's too expensive, if you ask me.

The problem with the trains is that

they roll off the tracks and kill people.

That's really a large problem.

Well, it's all antiquated technology.

Like you could have high-speed rail that would work, but it has to go through like, you know, there's all this like, there's so much more red tape with trains because it literally goes through places.

You have to use eminent domain to

build the fucking tracks.

You can't upgrade.

You have to rip all that shit out.

I told you about when

a X jumped the turnstile and had to

pay the fine in the office and he goes in and

the walls are covered in posters of Japanese and German bullet trains.

Because these people dream of living in a world where the trains are good.

It was so sad.

I think we should just go back to making the Chinese building.

You You know, it was probably a better train?

The one to Auschwitz.

You think so?

Yeah.

No, that was.

In terms of service and reliability.

Show me one story of one of the Holocaust trains derailing and killing people.

I think it happened a lot.

Never.

No?

Never once.

They made sure all of those people got to where they were going safely to be.

To be killed.

Oh, no, no.

No accident will kill these fucking Jews.

What a tragedy.

400 Jews dead in a train accident.

This is horrible.

You fucking bitch.

Don't go out.

Stay there, you dumb fucking bitch cat.

That's how you talk to an animal.

It feels me.

It senses me as the alpha.

Dude, Adam, I got.

Where's your boy?

Didn't you have a friend that had dick pills?

I needed some dick pills, dude.

We got dick pills when we went to Mexico, but he lives in Connecticut.

I need the plug on some dick pills, man.

Just go to Mexico.

You can get mad, Cialis.

I can't go to Mexico.

Mexican Cialis.

Order them from the City of Canada.

This is one of the guys that died.

Really?

Yeah.

For real?

That guy died in the middle of the day.

I was filtered through Vanuatu, a small island nation although once their volcano erupted and i couldn't order birth control

wait this is one of the guys that died so you know he definitely was on that train for

he was a recreation spectral yeah spectral

reasons of the spectrum well this is this is huge amber i can get island dick pills my friends

i think they have those

when like the internet was

yeah they've got like a sexual health section and that's where i get my okay great when the internet was all dial-up, my friend accidentally was like watching porn when he was like 13 or something, and it accidentally went through Vanuatu, and his parents got a bill for like $5,000.

Whoa.

Yeah, yeah.

Damn.

Yeah.

Yeah, I gotta, I gotta, you know, my penis needs some fucking...

a jolt of you're 28 years old stuff hey man what are you fucking 28 years old what do you want i've been putting together some it's just a little something to get me going dude once my cock gets hard, it will never stop being hard.

That's my guess.

You know, it's like you start, you prime the pump.

Somebody broke that boy dick.

I want a perpetually hard dick.

What is that?

Priapism?

Is that what that's called?

Yeah.

It's named after

a Greek guy whose dick was always hard and it was a laughing stock.

I would just tape it to my leg, and then when I have to fuck, take the tape off.

Hard dick, ready to go.

Do you go 12 o'clock?

I go

when it's hard.

I go.

You're talking about one plane.

There's two planes here.

11.

Yeah.

I don't go 12 o'clock anymore.

You mean straight up?

I don't go anywhere.

Go straight out.

I just go forward.

Forward.

I go forward to the left and a little up.

What stav stav goes cuckoo clock because his penis is hidden in layers of fat.

And when he's hard, a little door opens and comes out and dances around for a second and goes back into his shitty body.

I have a cuckoo cock.

I go up and to the left.

Up and to the left.

Up and to the left.

Do not forget your fallen king.

JFK, Oliver Stone.

Beautiful.

Thanks.

I wish I remembered more of that monologue.

Yeah, I don't remember any of that movie.

It's a good movie.

That movie is good.

Yeah.

I said it first, so

I heard it.

That was a tie.

It was not a tie.

It was not a tie.

I would count that as a tie.

But I think I had told Nick previously that I thought it was a good movie.

Checkmate, I never listened to a single fucking thing you said.

Actually, you were like, let me write that down so I can remember.

I've never written anything, Moffy.

You think I'm foolish enough to keep a record of anything that happens in my life?

No, so true.

That's what got Nixon, dude.

Yeah.

I don't keep no damn records.

That's what got the Nazis, dude.

Really?

The record-keeping?

Yeah, they were like, oh, we we think this is fine.

And then they opened up a media.

Yeah, I wonder who

he put those records.

IBM.

Come on, you fucking imbecile.

Oh, sorry.

Shit.

Wait, it's a fact.

It's a historical fact.

God damn it.

I think it was Hewlett-Packard.

Yeah, it was HP.

That's how we save ourselves.

Blame it on a different

corporation that actually was not complicit at all.

I heard it was the

gateway.

Remember that this shit was cows?

Yeah.

What was that about?

Cow computers?

Cow computers?

I did, but what was it about?

I did.

I'm not kidding.

I did actually love it.

Mohamed, can I dress up like a cow?

No, Stavros.

You cannot dress like a cow.

I know funny if you get that AIDS cancer and you just look like a big old cow.

What?

AIDS cancer.

Caposi sarcoma.

It makes you black and white?

No, you get lesions that kind of look like cow spots.

I don't think think I'm going to get cows.

That would be very good.

I don't think I'm going to get AIDS.

Yeah.

You're probably low risk for AIDS.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's probably incredibly low.

And now you don't have sex.

Stop got AIDS from a trolley breight crawler.

Somehow.

He managed.

From a way.

He managed to get a gummy form of AIDS.

I put it into my dick hole.

I sound with those little gummy worms, dude.

Would you suck gummy worms out of a man's penis?

You're so.

Another one of these

hypotheticals make no sense.

And then, and then you can.

Yes, would you?

Would you?

What if the man had AIDS?

Yesterday, Saab asked me, would you fuck a woman that's like got a hot body but has an old woman's face?

Yeah, would you?

I mean, I would.

I would, yeah.

I mean, would I?

Yeah.

Fine, yeah.

Okay.

Well, answer the fucking question.

Don't make it all feel about it.

No, but the stop move would be if you had said no, and then he's like, what if she had both an old woman's face and an old woman's body?

That's not how it's wonderful.

It's just, you don't understand incentive.

Yeah, like, what is that?

Well, would you suck the gummy bears out of a fucking guy's dick?

No, okay.

Me neither.

What if it was a flavorless plan going to be transamorous?

Huh?

How's your, like,

oh, yeah, there's a woman that Stop.

Stop has a big old crush and trans woman.

No, I don't.

I would fuck one, though, if she was hot.

You can't say who it is for business reasons.

I would fuck a hot trans woman.

I'm on record of saying that.

Because I'm a liberal.

That's record.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what Hillary said, Jamie Electron.

I'm a progressive transition.

Sure, I could arrest the bankers, but would that make men fuck trans women?

No!

You know, excuse me for being open-minded.

Yeah.

Unlike you two fucking bigots.

I bigot is funny because it almost feels like you're saying another word.

You know the one.

Yeah, we all know.

Yeah.

Nothing but a bunch of bigots holding hands,

kissing each other.

Last thing I want is some fucking bigot marrying my daughter.

If my daughter brings home some fucking bigot, I'm

smacking him.

I was thinking gay, but it works for that one, too.

Oh, yeah.

It works for anyone.

Just say bigot.

If my son brings all some fucking bigot, fucking him and his ass.

Not my household.

This is a bigot Asian household.

Ah, fuck.

Yeah, so if you're a sexy trans woman, I'll DM the kid.

You know, let's solve this problem once and for all together, sexually.

But you have to bring dick pills for both of us, I guess.

Yeah, look, if you're a trans woman,

you're a trans woman, your dick better not work better than mine.

You know, if we're going to have any kind of romantic relationship.

That's true.

That has a whole wrinkle to it that I didn't, you know.

Yeah.

You got to worry about who's got the nicer dick.

It's probably going to be about you.

You never have to worry about wrinkles because you just expand.

That's right.

I'm smooth.

Yeah.

Well, you guys will look horrible.

I would say taut rather than smooth.

Both taut and smooth.

They go hand in hand.

No, it's like kind of like an over-inflated kitty brain.

No, I would say both taut and smooth.

Yeah.

No, definitely not swollen.

Definitely taut and smooth.

Yeah.

I was grabbing your love handles the other night at the show

just for fun to feel you from behind.

And it felt good, didn't it?

It would, yeah.

Actually, I kind of understood why that guy said he would fuck your ass.

You know, he's not gay.

If you went to Japan.

Some guy DM'd me and he was like, I would fuck you.

I don't remember exactly what he said, but he was like,

I would fuck you so bad.

Hit me up if you're ever in Tokyo.

So I'm not going to do that.

We should all go to Tokyo so that guy can have sex with you.

I can get brought into a drifting gang.

I would go to Tokyo.

We should do a show in Tokyo.

I would love to go to Tokyo.

Let's do it.

Now that we've got money, we should do international shows.

Why not?

I would love to go to Tokyo to entertain.

You know what we should do?

Look, if we got Australian fans.

We can go to Australian.

If we got Australian fans, if you're an Australian fan listening, please harass

Melbourne.

Yes, Melbourne.

Melbourne Comedy Festival?

Yeah.

Please harass them.

Send in bomb threats.

And ask them to book Nick and Stavros

from Come Town.

What are you talking about?

They don't allow Jews in Australia.

Yes, they do.

Yes, they do.

They have some Jews there.

They have in City.

I'm trying to go to Melbourne.

Get my no Porosht in Melbourne.

In Tasmania, Jews are not allowed.

That is true.

Oh, really?

But the rest of the country, it's totally chill.

Yeah, they already got enough devils in Tasmania.

Yeah.

That's their language.

That's good.

I'm gay.

I was at the Six Flags

in California.

Yeah, they had a trans Tasmanian devil.

Lucy is gay.

Yeah, you sent me the picture.

You were so excited.

I was.

The Transmania.

He fucks her, right?

That's his wife.

Huh?

Taz's wife.

It was never explained.

I think, yeah, he has a wife.

Well, there was a spin-off.

You know, they're tiny, they're tuny.

They're all a bit

away.

Looney.

So they're all fucking each other.

Canadian money.

Yeah.

Nice.

Now do the bit.

Say it, Adam.

Say it.

It's so weird that their money is like the loony shit.

Shut up.

I mean, like, wait,

did they not know that loonies you exploit?

Say it.

Say it.

I just beat you.

I think you have to say it.

What's going on up there in Canada with the money?

Okay, that's my question.

There he is.

All right.

I talked to my Canadian friend the other day, and I'm like, hey, Pierre, let me get a dollar.

And he's like, don't you mean

a loony?

No, they have dollars.

Oh, they have dollars.

You fucking idiot.

I don't know.

Loonies are their coins or some shit.

I'm talking to my friend Pierre from Canada the other day, and I'm like, hey, hey, motherfucker, let me

get a little bit of a bunch of people.

I'm going to stink on it.

Slap my ham.

Give me a dollar.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

That's the bit, dude.

That's a little thing from my act.

Yeah.

Proud of you.

I was, you know, the classic Dan Ninan bit yesterday.

Nick kept doing.

Yeah, we started doing like Dan Ninan, but is Jade to kiss.

I don't even know how we got to that.

That That was fucking good.

Oh, I wonder if Cocaine had anything to do with that.

No, we were at that line of thinking.

That would be a great sketch, dude.

Jada kissed Dan Ninan.

No, that was that QB.

I love fucking just burying myself up my own fucking nose.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Damn.

Yeah.

Yeah, did you hear last year about the bombing in Chelsea?

It was a bombing, but I actually heard it was somebody trying to charge the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone.

All right, good crowd already.

Literally waiting for OJ material.

Yeah.

Yeah, did you hear OJ Simpson raped and murdered his wife?

But I heard, actually, I heard a rumor that it was somebody trying to charge the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone.

It's pretty good.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck, fuck, dude.

Yeah, because you can do it with any tragedy, and it becomes very funny.

Apparently, two plans.

I said tragedy.

Damn, I want a pastry, dude.

Yeah.

I want a coffee.

I love pastry.

Are you talking about ramen?

Fuck.

I want a chocolate croissant.

I want to live.

I want to just...

Let's all move to

French Riviera, you know, hang out at cafes, eat pastries.

Let's get a gondola.

Avoid the war effort.

Gondolas are fascists.

I love it.

A gondola.

Let's get his gondola.

Who's going to steer it?

Mateo?

Maybe.

You can bring Matteo along.

Setting off?

Yeah.

Just have him speak all his different languages and use his sexy, his strong, sexy body to steer our photograph.

Oh, that would fucking

easy.

It is fucking annoying.

I got in pretty good shape a couple years ago, and I remember seeing Mateo out there.

Well, I remember seeing him out, and Mateo was not, like, swole in any way, shape, or something.

Two years ago, he was like, I should go back to the gym.

I saw him a fucking month later, and he put on like 40 pounds.

Yeah, he's like,

of muscle.

His sister's like a bodybuilder.

Yeah, I know.

She like

he had a sister.

He just did steroids.

No, he didn't do steroids.

Well, are you saying Mateo's on steroids?

No, if you drink cum, there's so much testosterone.

No, I guess his like sister like helped him out.

Careful with the steroids.

Made a

nutrition plan for him or something.

Yeah, but still.

But it was literally like a month later.

I saw him at Moon Tower, and I was like, what the f?

Yeah.

Yeah, you have a bad body, dude.

Yeah, I know.

I wish I had a bodybuilder sister that I also had sex with.

I wish I had an incestuous relationship with my big, strong Russian sister.

You do?

Julia Vince acknowledged me on Instagram.

I saw that.

On your birthday.

Yeah.

I threatened to fight some man from Zanzibar for hitting on her.

She liked it.

That's all Russians know, dude.

Yeah.

That's how you win a Russian World Championship.

I like it when they hit other men for me.

You should kill someone and send them to the game.

You should get married somewhere.

Julia could beat up both of us.

Me and Zanzibar, you know, Tommy.

She can't beat it.

Zanzibar, Tommy.

What?

Maybe she can't fight.

You know, maybe she's just the muscles just for show, not for go.

The pinnacle of Legion of Skanks will be the episode where Lewis fights Julia Vince Vince

in the studio.

Dude, I will take any challenge.

Yo, gosh, tune in next week.

I'm going to be fighting Nick Mullen's wife.

Come on.

Legion of Skanks 2020.

Would Lewis, if a woman challenged him to a fight, he'd have to accept?

He's a grand traditional fighter.

Those are his rules.

Yeah, Andy Kaufman.

We should have a woman fight Adam.

That would be actually awesome.

We should have Adam turn into a woman and then fight his sister.

I wouldn't fight my sister.

Yeah, she'd fuck you up.

No, I'd kick her ass.

Yeah.

I remember seeing one time one of my friends growing up, like, he always had like a nice relationship with his sister.

But then one time there was like a dispute over the TV and he like just beat the shit out of her in front of us.

She's like crying.

He like kneaded her in the stomach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she was like on the ground crying.

We were like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

And, but they were siblings, so it was like.

You can do that.

You have to tell my sister when she's like,

you're allowed to beat the shit out of for sure.

You are definitely allowed to beat the shit out of your sister.

No, you're not.

Not like a brother.

Yeah, I remember when we were being sexy.

I was through puberty, like, all in one night.

And I also

be like, really shitty to him and like push him around.

And he, like, I, I grabbed him, like, around the neck, like, in, like, a headlock to, like, nooggy him or whatever.

And he, like, suddenly, like, moved his whole body forward and, like, flipped me over his shoulder.

Oh, hell yeah.

And I landed on a glass tabletop that just just shattered.

That rules.

And he was like 15.

He had like gone through puberty like six hours ago all at once.

And he was like,

I am so sorry.

Like he had no idea it had happened or whatever.

I'm like, it's okay.

We have to clean up the glass.

You can only fight your sister if she's an older sister.

If you're an older brother and you have a younger sister, you can't

protect them.

You can't fight them.

I think you shouldn't beat the shit out of people that are smaller and weaker.

I used to tell my sister, I wish she was a boy so I could get better at fighting.

fighting.

I would not have, yeah.

Well, yeah, I shouldn't like hit women in general.

Like, even if a woman was bigger than me, I wouldn't hit her.

But if you're 13 and she's a big fan of the fight.

It would have to be like a monstrously huge woman.

I know that there's no way I could win the fight at all.

Right, right, right, right, right.

I'm doing this for honor, for glory.

Throw yourself at her like a pebble waiting to be smacked down.

Right, exactly.

My friend Lulu is like an enormous.

Lulu has like physically defended me from other women throwing punches at my face.

Lulu is a bruiser name, too.

She had no choice.

Lulu sounds like a gorilla with a little hat on.

Yeah, they taught her something.

I mean, that's basically, yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck.

I want to fight women.

You ever punched a woman?

No, what the fuck?

I was kidding.

Why would I punch a woman?

Neither have I.

You ever punched anybody?

I've punched my body.

You've never punched anybody in your life.

I've punched.

No, your hands would be broken if that happened.

That's not true.

I've punched you.

You'd be permanently.

Here, punch my fist.

I have punched.

Punch my fist right now as hard as you can.

I don't want to punch your fist.

Punch my fist right now.

I'm not going to punch knuckles.

Do it.

Do it.

I don't want to play blurry.

You're in control of the collision here.

You can decide to make it.

Just tap it.

No, you don't punch.

A fist isn't a place you punch.

Tap it, bitch.

No, you punch a stomach, you punch a chin, you punch a.

Go ahead, punch my face right now.

Way out.

I don't want to punch it.

I don't want to do that.

Adam, you don't understand.

There would be like a whole week week of him not making fun of you.

No, no, that's not true.

It's going to get worse.

Okay, no, it's going to get worse.

Punch him, bitch.

I'm not going to punch him.

I'm going to get a week out of it.

If you could make contact.

You make contact.

I won't move my head at all.

Punch him, bitch.

I would only punch you for honor.

I only punch for honor.

I swore an oath, okay?

I swore an oath at a certain point in my life that I would only use violence for honor, okay?

To be good, and this is not an honorable use of violence.

It's honored every week on this podcast.

No, I have a tremendous amount of honor.

I have a tremendous amount of honor.

No one honors you at all.

A lot of people honor me.

No, honor this dick.

I have like six friends.

Honor this dick in a nice fucking Chabot way.

You have more friends than anyone I know.

Yeah, you do.

I don't have any friends.

You should have gone to the bottom of the family.

You have me and Sav.

I know.

That's literally my only friends.

I'm not friends with anyone from Jewish summer camp.

They all think actually

literally are.

No, I'm friends with two people from camp, and one of them went to a wedding where there's a a bunch of people from Jewish summer camp that was there this weekend, and they all think that Cometown is an anti-Semitic podcast.

It is.

It is.

I'd say we have it clear.

That's the best scenario.

We have certain anti-Semitic podcasts.

Which is honestly the best possible scenario for me.

I like your New Jersey friends.

To keep these people out of the world.

Like a time capsule.

Those are like college friends.

They're like

the same age as us, but they're like Jews from 50 years ago.

New Jersey is like a time capsule.

They have like some kind of old world quality about them.

Like that guy that walked in, he's like, Zelda dropped her cell phone.

Hello to you, too.

Oh, yeah, Sammy.

Does he have dick pills?

Sammy was the one with the dick pills.

All right, tell Sammy, say what's up.

Is he the one that he gave me?

No, wait, the other one gave me an edible.

Those are really nice people.

Oh, they're good edibles.

That's the next step.

That's what Stop needs.

I need that, dude.

He has some brownies to get you hard.

I'm just walking around.

My cock is like dripping out of my fucking clothes.

Yeah.

Holy shit, that would be awesome.

No, I mean, I think that.

Oh, my God.

If someone can make that, please.

Please.

No, but it totally rules that these people I don't want to have in my life at all and are super annoying think I'm anti-Semitic now.

Yeah, you are anti-Semitic.

I know.

Do not grab my cock.

Stop.

Touch his penis.

Suck it.

Stop.

Just touch his penis.

Suck my man on the penis.

I'm ready to go now.

You might be pretty hard.

Yeah.

Did you guys used to get boners in the car on the way to school?

Like every morning?

Not every morning.

Oh, I used to get them like.

No,

what I remember is

getting hard right before the period would end.

And I'm like, God damn.

And you can't get up.

Yeah, you can't get up.

Like, I didn't know that you weren't supposed to wear only basketball shorts and sweatpants until I was 27 years old.

You could actually, like, sort of hold your shit down.

I do remember going to the grocery store with my dad one time and I i was in the car and we got there and i was like i'm just gonna wait in the car because i was like just like oh basically cumming

because i started thinking about like just a pair of tits i yeah yeah yeah maybe an hour earlier you started thinking about an art girl's armpit in your heart as shit it wasn't even that dude it wasn't even thinking about sex stuff just boners used to just fucking out of nowhere i'm so glad that doesn't happen anymore that sucked yeah no i think that's funny no it's like you have literally no control over your own body i don't know know what that is.

It also seems like terrible for our current political.

Yeah.

You should be able to just sort of exist in a cocoon until you're like 26 and then you come out.

You should be a person.

And then, yeah, that would be the ideal situation.

Being a parent teenager must really fucking suck.

Yeah.

They're gross and imagine if you had a roommate that left cum everywhere and you weren't allowed to bring it up because it would embarrass them.

Yeah, that is what living living with elders is like.

Have you seen my cum?

Do you know where my cum is?

Being a parent does suck, dick, though.

It's like a job that you fucking,

but you lose money.

How about that?

You know,

just reading, I'm reading responses to this TJ Miller thing.

I might.

Yeah.

Any hot takes?

TJ Miller not only fucks clowns, but he's also a transphobic asshole whom I want nothing more than to strangle with my bare hands.

He fucks clowns as a criticism?

I don't know what that means.

What the fuck does that mean?

Yeah, they're calling the woman who said

they're calling

the abused victim a clown.

That's fine.

Is he someone that just hates T.J.

Miller?

That's fucked up.

I'm not going to get a full opinion on

the alleged violence he committed.

Didn't he have a brain tumor?

Is he going to use that as the excuse?

Did he?

Yeah, he

collapsed during a pitch meeting.

No, he was doing the Yogi Bear movie in Australia.

Oh, shit.

And

brain tumor.

That's the worst sentence I've ever heard.

Yeah, yeah.

He almost died.

No, he does

have a physical brain damage.

Fuck.

But I don't know.

I mean, it's like you look at those guys with CTE, and it's like, yeah, they murdered their whole family.

And then they're like, oh, yeah, I guess it's bad to

when you mess with someone's brain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They might do weird shit.

When they get

thousands of concussions.

Well, should I get lobotomized?

I think that would be good for the show.

Electric shock.

You should get a vasectomy.

Yeah.

Actually, electric shock.

For the show.

You might be a good candidate for it.

Really?

Does that really fix your shock?

They still do it.

They fix chronic depression sometimes, and they literally don't know why.

What?

They just zap your shit.

Yeah, but you should.

I mean, that's what medicine was until yesterday.

Leeches and electric shocks.

I would get electric shock.

I think I would like that life, you know, to be just committed to a mental institution in the 60s.

Just catatonic?

Yeah, just have my brain fried by doctors.

You would like that?

Yeah, I think that would be a nice life.

I mean, I'm not sure what those excess rates are, but like for people who have chronic depression, not mania or anything else,

electroshock therapy has had like surprisingly good results.

Yeah.

And now, of course, they can like knock you out, I guess, so it doesn't, you're not in horrible.

Well, masturbating for women was originally invented to help hysteria.

Hysteria.

I think we should bring that back.

Doctors used to finger like finger women.

Yeah.

That's cool.

The first vibrators were

like.

They were cool.

They were

whatever.

They were medical.

They were considered medical tools.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just imagine like a doctor in the 1800s coming home and the wife's like, you know, like, your dinner's cold.

And it's like,

I have been eating pussy for like nine hours.

I don't need this shit right now.

I've been at my pussy eating job

that I had to learn how to read to do.

You're going to come at me with this nonsense.

That'd be a pretty sweet job.

Oh, yeah.

Just get like getting to eat out.

57-year-old women

who just drown all their children

in the town bathtub.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

What a dream.

Sounds good to me.

Damn.

Well, folks.

No, that's right.

Yeah, go for it.

People love eating on when we eat on mic.

Oh, yeah.

I'm holding the mic away.

Yeah, I know.

You do that even when you're speaking.

Got a rash.

I know.

Brac out.

I'm going to go to Star Wars.

But again, guys, if you're around the DC metropolitan area.

Oh, yeah.

And then again, I guess we forgot to do it, but we should be plugging the Patreon into

the beginning of the episode.

Last week, I think, was the first time we did it since we've never mentioned that.

Yeah, if you listen to the show regularly, there's a bonus episode every week

on patreon.com slash Cometown.

Really good.

Maybe me and Adam should post the bonuses.

Yeah, you should on Twitter.

Yeah.

But we had a lot of new sign-ups because people just didn't know about it.

Anyways, you guys are fun.

Thanks.