Ep. 76 – How do you spell halowen

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Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today to remember our friend.

Oh, shit.

Our colleague.

He made us laugh.

He made us cry.

But now he's gone.

And this is what our podcast is now.

Are you talking about the guy from the terrorist attack yesterday?

Yes.

R.I.P.

I'm talking about Nick.

Oh, is Nick dead?

He did the terrorist attack.

It's a spooky episode.

Halloween's over.

Yeah, and Christmas has just started.

Right, guys?

Yeah, Halloween was yesterday.

When's Hanukkah?

Is it one of those sneaky early Hanukkahs this year?

I don't know what it is.

Last year it was on the same day as Christmas, which I thought was

disrespectful.

I thought it was disrespectful.

How are you going to mock?

That's like OJ's birthday being on Nicole Brown Simpson's birthday.

I believe they they have the same birthday.

That's like O.J.

throwing a big party when it was Nicole's birthday.

Like the first year after she died.

Exactly, yes.

Like having a birthday.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Having a celebration.

For Ron Goldman.

How dare the fucking Jews.

I was watching that Chris Rock bit the other day.

Which one?

About O.J.

And he's like, if some guy was riding around in my car

with my wife,

That was a.

You couldn't do that, Joe.

Chris Rock does have some problematic, like some bits that

are funny as shit, but would be, he would be definitely like today, he would get, you know, tumblered big time.

Oh, yeah.

Well, now it's moved on from speech, and it's like inappropriate touching, which I feel like should have happened before.

Before we kind of squeeze it, like all this Daniel Tosh bullshit that happened, and it's like, and another thing, Harvey Weinstein raped 40 people.

It's like, okay, well, maybe I wouldn't have had to have a culture war for the last four years if you started with the rapists and then went after people.

I mean, I still wouldn't be on board with going after people.

It seems like the priorities are a little.

But you might have been tuckered out after going after the rapists.

I wouldn't have defended the rapists.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, they, the culture, like the SJWs, maybe they would have been a little tuckered out and maybe left us, let us do jokes.

Yeah.

So,

in case you guys haven't been paying attention or reading my newsletter that I send out, I will be leaving the show permanently

to be replaced by Jamie Kilstein.

Yeah.

Who's offered me a buyout, actually?

Really?

He's paying me $50,000.

I don't really think you should agree to this, Nick.

Yeah, man.

I don't know if this is a good idea.

Can we veto?

No.

Please?

You're going to make us hang out with that guy?

I'm not going to make you do shit.

You're free to sell your positions to whoever you want.

All right, I'm gonna sell to Lindy West.

God damn it, I was gonna say that.

Lindy's not bad now.

It's gonna be funny because I called the Kilstein thing

I think months ago.

Uh-huh.

Lindy's gonna have some kind of medical issue, right?

And then she's gonna get fucking lap band surgery and lose like 300 pounds.

And she's gonna be hungry.

And she's gonna turn her

very saggy back on the fat community.

That's the next one.

Should I get lap band?

Are you fat enough?

Don't you have to be a certain amount of fat?

I think I'm plenty fat.

No, if you went to the doctor, they'd be like, Yeah, but you're fucking bald and your teeth are fucked up.

Really?

Is that how that works?

If you're not going to be sexy, then only you get lap band so you're going to be able to do that.

The doctor's like, you will never be the trap.

But I'm like, doc, don't I have a thing going for me, wouldn't you say?

Yeah, I mean, what would you think about that?

You could get plugs, you could get get porcelain veneers.

Dude,

I'm going to get a bag and fix my teeth, Cardi B style, soon, dude.

Oh, yeah.

That's not like...

I mean, that's like a medical necessity.

This isn't like a cosmetic thing.

You have like a...

No, it's cosmetic.

This is a.

Is it alive or is it dead?

No, your tooth is rotting out of your fucking mouth.

No, you motherfuckers.

It's a root canal.

It's just, I got it done by some guy for $30

in Golden Ring Mall, the Golden Ring Mall.

I don't know what it is.

It's a parking lot across from a shitty mall.

There's some dentist my mom knows that just does.

If you go there and you wait all day, he'll fit you in between like paying customers and you just get like the shitty in between.

Like I was there for eight hours and he fixed it.

$30 barely covers like the toothpaste.

I know, but that's what he paid.

That's what it cost.

It was wild.

Damn.

So it looks like shit, but it was either that or the guy on the upper west side I went to quoted me $8,000 to get a total fucking implant.

Well, there's a world in between like a dentist that operates out of like an old renaissance and the dentist of the Upper West Side.

I know, but those were the only two I went to.

Did you go to dental school?

I'm scared for students, dude.

They don't know what the fuck they're doing.

No, you don't.

If there's any dentists out there, holler your boy.

You think so?

Yeah, they're millennials.

You're doing great.

You need to give them a participation trophy.

Oh, shit.

They're not millennials anymore.

Millennials aren't in college anymore.

Yeah, we're old.

What are they?

Generation Z?

Think about those kids we hired to shoot that stupid video.

They're not millennials?

I mean, they're millennials, but at the low end.

Barely.

Like, look at the fucking.

I don't have anything in common with them.

Yeah.

They speak a different language.

Mandarin Chinese.

Yeah, they were Chinese.

We hired a bunch of Chinese.

We kept eating fish heads out of the garbage.

Yeah.

Classic millennials.

Chinese millennials.

JP told me a fucking hilarious story about being in an open mic, and there was some ex-NYPD guy going up.

He was like, Yeah,

I was a 9-11 first responder, and he thought he would get applause, but it's an open mic, so no one's even paying attention.

And immediately he goes, You fucking millenniums are a bunch of cell phone computer douchebags.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

I like working with JP.

How much yeah, JP.

Love that guy.

We should get him back on the pod sometime.

That tall piece of shit.

Yeah.

Slap him around a little bit.

Set him back to earth.

He's a walking stick, that guy.

He's a walking stick.

He's a big old boy.

He's a walking lick.

This coffee tastes like shit.

What'd you make it?

Did you brew it yourself?

I mean, it's a Kurig.

I thought you had a Keurig?

I have a single cup Kurig that I have next to my bed.

So he can have coffee immediately when he wakes up.

Right.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why don't you get an espresso instead, dude?

Them shits are cool.

Those are expensive.

Really?

How much they cost?

I don't know, hundreds of dollars.

You just bought a fucking

cruising USA console basically to have in your house to play.

I mean that's like a game.

It's not an addiction first thing in the morning.

I mean it's a stupid toy that I like get to feel dumb about spending the money on.

But don't you drink that espresso feel good every night?

I already did that with the Vitamix.

I'll do one dumb purchase in each category.

For life or when does it roll over again?

I don't know.

When the podcast fails, I don't have money anymore.

No, but every year, every year, wouldn't it happen every year?

Don't you get a new dumb yeah, you need to write it off on your taxes.

It's the fiscal year.

Every fiscal year, you get a new kitchen thing.

Nah, I'm just going to have to fly a lot.

You can really work up the or rack up the write-offs by just

not knowing how to book shit through Expedia and having them select the next month for your return trip.

Oh, no.

That happens to me literally every time I use fucking Expedia.

Why, bro?

Well, they have

pick your first date, and then it's like the 18th, and then it's like, and your return trip.

trip and you're like okay the 18th to the 21st but you have to like make sure that you go and hit back on the second calendar because it's just gonna assume you're spending a month out of town.

That's never happened to me once.

It happens to me literally every single fucking time I use Expedius websites.

I use Google Fights pretty good.

Yeah, always Southwest is the cheapest one.

You track it, you see whatever, and every time you're in the future.

I just fly JetBlue exclusively.

Southwest doesn't go to South Africa though.

Oh shit, look at this.

Yeah, I just booked big time.

Yeah.

JetBlue's the best goddamn airline.

You like the blue terra chips?

Well, first of all, they let you just fucking take shit out of like that.

You can go into the fucking stewardess area and just take shit out of the fucking covers.

That makes sense to me.

Really?

Yeah, after they walk through and like, do you want a drink, sir?

Do you want a snack?

They're like, our concessions area is now open.

And you can just fucking walk, like, go into those astronaut cabinets and fucking pull out snacks.

And I just stood next to the bathroom, just eating bag after bag of chip, you know, instead of fucking words in it.

Yo, were you the only guy abusing that shit?

Of course.

And first of all, it's not abusing.

Like, you pay a premium for that service.

I suppose.

I would expect more fat people to be doing it, but they're ashamed.

Their first class is insane, too.

Jet Blue Facebook.

They have first class?

Yeah.

I thought it was a budget carrier.

It was like all

spirit.

No, their first class is like.

Southwest.

It's one seat per row that reclines all the way back.

They have the little like mesh screen.

Have you ever seen those?

Sometimes they have like a mosquito net looking

and you just go right the fuck to sleep.

They don't have one of those, but I mean it is like a full seat.

Well, yeah, a full seat that

lays completely flat.

Because

there's two people and then one person, so it's staggered.

Beautiful.

Yeah, and then also, here's a hot tip.

If you're flying JetBlue, or any airline, really, never select your seats online.

Go to do that shit.

Go to the guy upgraded.

Yeah, you just fucking don't select a seat, wait until everyone boards, and then you say, Oh, can I get a a boarding pass?

Because what happens is nobody buys those like Economy Plus seats because they're a fucking scam.

And at the end, they just have them left over.

Yeah, so you ask the guy at the desk.

Yeah, I mean, if you beget if you select a regular seat, you're completely fucking yourself over.

I mean, if you want to make sure you get a nice seat, then maybe spend the money, but like, if you're not worried about that shit anyways, just never do seat selection.

Yeah.

Unless you have, like, you know, some dumb bitch wife that you're traveling with.

She wants to sit next to you or some shit.

Which I don't do because I'm always on business trips.

You know what I mean?

Yeah,

having sex with boy prostitutes.

And also, we all made a promise to each other that we would never get married ever.

We would be together forever.

That's right.

The three of us.

I remember that promise.

Whoever gets married, would the other two kill him.

And then the other two get married.

And then the other two have to get married.

Yeah, that's true.

So we're probably going to end up killing you, Adam, because you're a fucking emotional bitch.

For sure, I'm going to get married by accident.

And we're going to ch-

I got a free track suit today.

I'm very jealous.

The same one I have.

Yeah.

It's $150 tracksuit.

I got it.

I got it 100% for free.

The Adidas Beckenbauer.

I'm finally sponsored, folks.

The moment we've all been waiting for is for me to not only get paid way too much to do the podcast, but also to get things I like for free.

We did it.

I want to get free shit, dude.

Also, somebody messaged me.

I guess a Robusto does indicate a size of cigar.

It does?

Yeah.

They were telling me, too,

you should get into high-end watches, but that's.

I hate

watches and timepieces.

Yeah, fuck that shit.

Anybody that's like a watch heads, yeah, watch heads are fucking stupid.

I want to get a nice if you got too much money, you got to spend your money on dumb shit.

Electronics.

You know what I'm saying?

You got to do whatever you can to make people who don't have the money not necessarily even really jealous of the money.

Exactly.

In my case, I just buy sneakers my mom wouldn't let me get when I was a little kid.

Yeah.

You know, I got a lot of airs.

I got the up tempos in a couple different colors.

I just bought some weird.

Adam, turn the air conditioner.

Yeah, I can't hear anything.

I bought some suck on these, succonis.

Succonis.

Succoni's suck on these.

There used to be this wigger in eighth grade that

used to call his succonis Conies, I remember.

Oh, Adam using the N-word on the podcast.

I can't believe you.

I can't believe you said that about that black guy you went to school with.

He was definitely white.

Jesus.

I saw you.

He called him Conies?

You were saying the N-word, but

you stuttered because there was a bit of cum in your mouth.

Oh, yeah, that is true.

I saw it.

Yeah,

he was trying to.

He was doing a thing where he makes a little bowl with his tongue and he holds cum in it all day.

And then he was trying to say the N-word.

It's a diet thing, is it?

You get the calories, but you get two tablespoons of cum the whole day.

Yeah, but it's really hard to keep it like in a pool.

Does it strengthen your tongue for eating guys' asses later?

No, it doesn't necessarily strengthen it.

It actually exhausts my tongue.

Yeah.

I can't really talk by the end of the day.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Well, we should have done this podcast later then, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I'm just, guys, I got to be honest with you.

I'm just focused on Major League Baseball right now.

The Yojana.

Half year for, yeah, game seven.

It's probably going to start by the time we're done with the podcast.

Yeah, everyone will know what has happened.

It'll be so funny.

Everyone will know tomorrow.

I will cry tonight from sports.

Really?

For sure.

Has a sport.

Actually, if they lose, I won't cry.

If they win, I'll probably cry.

I mean, this is like literally what I've been waiting for.

Has a sporting event ever affected you emotionally, Nick?

I don't think anything's

affected me.

When's the last time you cried?

I think we

cried.

I can't remember, even.

Yeah.

It hasn't been for like 10 years.

No, I didn't.

No, yeah.

I definitely remember being drunk and then.

No, you know when I told this story, I got drunk and watched Star Trek and cried at the opening scene.

Yep.

Definitely cried it up.

When he sacrifices his family.

I cried at something Kirk's dad.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I cried at some baby content recently.

Somebody with like his daughter.

It was so fucking cute.

I don't remember what it was.

You cried out of happy thing?

It was pretty.

Yeah, yeah.

I was crying thinking about like if I had a daughter, you know.

I almost started crying earlier today when I was watching Yasi L Puig's Instagram live story.

He's so joyous.

He's such a happy, beautiful spirit.

Happy to be out of Cuba or whatever.

Incredible.

His Instagram was my favorite Instagram right after he defected from Cuba because he was like learning American culture.

So he would like just take pictures like with stuffed animals and be like, yeah, oy like, oye minions.

Yeah, he would like take pic like take pictures with like uh animals at the zoo and stuff.

He was sort of like learning American culture through technology.

It was like really I love the shit immigrants love about America.

Like eldises elder or like they want like my my cousin Launita wanted peanut butter.

All he wanted was Jif.

They ain't got it there, dude.

Yeah, my cousins from abroad always asked for cinnamon trident.

Really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

They like big red.

No, they like cinnamon trident.

Trident.

What about Eldis's uh Eldis' cousin wants Rogane from Alba to Albania.

And Eldis won't send it to him because it's too the shipping's too expensive.

That seems like something they would want or need in Albania.

I need medicine to offset reactor juice spill on

I was exposed to reactor juice.

Please, my hair is fucked up.

My hair is so fucked up.

I need juice.

Apparently, in Albania, they had like these mountain tribes where you were allowed to be trans.

Like, you could be a woman that lived as a man.

I mean, that's like, that's not uni.

The idea that there's a gender binary is India.

Yeah, I mean, like, lots of cultures have that.

But it's like, yeah, I don't know.

There's people that live in the woods and like stick their dicks in piles of fire ants.

They always have a third gender that's, like, a guy that's too much of a pussy to fuck the fire ants.

And he gets to, like, hang out with the children, I guess, and pretend he has breasts.

Sweet.

Do those guys get fucked?

Well, certainly not by the fire ants.

Yep.

That's for the real men.

That's the good pussy.

That's fire ants.

You let a bunch of bullet ants bite your testicles and then you sit on top of a totem pole for six and a half half minutes.

It's crazy to think, but there are still tribes like Deep Amazon, Deep Congo, that have never had any contact with the outside world.

Is that real?

Yeah, there's still like tribes that have never had sex, and it's you guys.

Yeah, what?

It's true.

A tribe called Never Had Sex.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well, how could it be a tribe that you wouldn't be able to procreate?

That's my

rap group, a tribe called.

Your real work.

Mine is

Ju Tang.

Ju

Ju Tang.

Ju Tang.

Poontang clan.

Poontang clan.

That's good.

There we go.

That's good.

Because I get pussy as opposed to what you're doing.

Sure, it's not Peanut Min M?

No.

That's not your grab name.

No, it would be pretzel.

That's my favorite one.

You guys ever fuck with pretzel M's?

No.

They're delicious, dude.

They're bad.

What?

Anything that came after Peanuts could be bullshit.

Oh, the peanut butter ones are good.

Reese's PCs already filled that void.

I don't need you to

have Eminem coming around pretending like they invented Reese's PC.

They're fatter the shots.

Check this out.

MM candy flavor, and then it's just Skittles.

That I wouldn't fuck with.

You know what was pretty cool?

We were doing Blow on Halloween like three years ago, and we went to that party that had those like half-dollar-sized MMs.

Oh, I remember that.

I hate like 19 of the 20th.

That was the night that Tommy told us he just looked at

the trans.

Oh, yeah.

That was also the night that

guy fucking told that story about his friend that, you know, we're talking about those Hasidic hats, those stupid hats.

Oh, yeah, we got and this guy's like, yeah, my boy,

my boy got one of those and like they caught him and he went to, he got charged with like grand larceny or something.

Yeah.

So they cost like $5,000.

What do you mean he got one of those?

And he was like, yeah, he was like riding his bike down the street and he fucking like just plucked it off one of those guys' heads.

That's a funny idea of a Hasidic guy like running down the street after his stupid hat so good because if anyone deserves it, it's them.

If they should be hate-crimed, but like light hate crimes,

they're like pranks,

they're bad people, and they don't have a sense of humor.

Oh, they're horrible drivers, and they exploit the get me started, they exploit the system to you know

welfare and shit, yeah, but then to like personally enrich themselves and then exploit their you know the communities they live in.

Oh, for sure.

What about what about a fucking we do one of those like uh claw games, but it's a bunch of those guys with their

hats.

We steal all their hats.

No, they have to speed in it's a big it's a big one of those claw games,

and they're all in there.

How about we block it from their heads?

We reroute the G-train to a special camp where they have to go into they look like showers, but there's actually gas that comes out of the ceiling.

Whoa.

Like fun laughing gas?

Yeah.

Okay, and they they all, so that's so we teach them about laughter since they don't have a sense of humor.

We put them in that camp and they all

and we show them a like

The Ringer by Johnny Knoxville, the best comedy ever the one where he pretends he's retarded.

And we put laughing gas and then we cure them of their humorlessness.

Oh,

you know, it's a great movie?

Tropic Thunder.

I was just talking about that today.

It's a really good movie.

It's a fantastic movie.

They pulled off the blackface.

It feels a little weird when

doing blackface i think it's cool you think i thought it was funny do you guys watch any halloween movies no don't talk about whatever criterion shit you're gonna mention i watched a scary movie today yeah what's that the killing of the sacred deer i just got movie pass so i can like i've been going to i i've been going to the movies alone during the day it's really nice i re-watched jacob's ladder well half of it last night what was that jacob's ladder it's like one of my favorite horror movies i've never seen it it's like tim Tim Robbins is a

transvestite from Vietnam vet who has like flashbacks or whatever.

Oh, shit.

He's like just he's it just turns out he's in hell.

Whoa.

Which is kind of it sounds like trite and stupid, but it creates like a really depressing mood that stays with you for like weeks on end.

Damn.

You just feel like shit after watching it.

Damn.

That's sort of how I felt after I saw this movie today.

It's really stressful.

It's that Greek guy that made Dog Team.

I haven't seen any of his movies, and I feel like a bad patriot.

He's really good.

What's the first, like, what was your first Halloween costume you remember?

Dick Tracy.

Dick Tracy?

Yeah.

They got me like a yellow duster.

Did you want to be Dick Tracy?

Yeah, I thought Dick Tracy was sick.

I love Dick Tracy because of the word dick, I thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, I don't know if I thought I got it, but yeah, I did love it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I think I was like five.

Yeah, I was at four.

My parents made me a clown.

It was a little fucking cute birthday clown.

Oh, that's cute.

I looked kind of like John Wayne Gacy, actually.

It's kind of the same,

the same paint without realizing it.

But it was cute.

I was like three.

John Wayne Spacey, dude.

Uh-oh.

Same type of shit.

John Wayne, Kevin Spacey.

What about you, Nick?

I think just a skeleton.

Standard.

Yeah.

Did you go skeleton every year?

Every single year.

What was the first one that you really fucking knocked out of the park that you were like, I'm proud of this shit?

I think the first Halloween costume I wanted to be was probably Sonic when I was like

five.

Yes.

And my mom sewed a Sonic costume.

Oh, shit.

That ruler worked.

Did he look good?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it was pretty good.

I mean,

it was like

a blue sweatsuit with fins attached to it.

That's tight, though.

But yeah, no, it was pretty good.

Were you the bell of the ball?

No.

No?

I don't remember there being a ball.

You didn't go to a Halloween ball, dude?

Yeah, no, no.

It's you, and it's a bunch of older men.

And it's a bunch of little kids.

And everybody has the best costume.

I feel like Sonic in his tracksuit.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

It's a very Sonic themed track suit.

You can zoom around.

Yeah.

Eating some chili dogs.

Do you know who's a huge Sonic fan?

You know what that was code for?

It was gay code for when you pull your dick out of a man's ass.

And it's

suck.

Yeah.

That's part of the homosexual agenda that was snuck into the Sonic the Hedgehog series.

And the gold rings?

Cock rings.

You know that.

You know how Miles has two tails?

Why?

Because it represents he got fucked in his ass twice.

Okay.

So he's still new to the latch.

Damn, for real?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, his full name is

Miles.

Well, T.

It was Miles Prower, right?

And the T, which a lot of people think stands for tails.

That's That's why they call him that.

But it actually stands for trans.

Oh,

yeah, that's Sonic's friend, Trans.

Trans Powers.

What about that red one?

Who was he?

What was that?

Knuckles?

Knuckles.

Yeah.

Oh.

He had a bad attitude.

Whole fist.

That's put his whole knuckle in your ass.

Yeah, I really can't extrapolate more weird shit out of Sonic.

It was already pretty bizarre to begin with.

You know, Michael Jackson was a huge Sonic fan?

Really?

Yeah, and he wrote the closing credits to Sonic.

I want to be Sonic.

Best there ever was.

My name is Sonic.

Everyone remembers the Sonic song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone remembers the Sonic song.

Well, it didn't come

up.

You're a cartoon.

You can't molest children.

Being Sonic.

My crystal.

Jackie Chan.

Oh, hell yeah.

They approached Jackie Chan.

They're like, come up with a cartoon.

He's like, oh, what if it's just me?

Yeah.

And they're like, all right, fine.

And he's got a fat friend who's giant, and he's got an old his dad or something.

I don't remember the show at all.

I just remember it existed.

It was a good-ass show.

Yeah, it was Jackie Chan.

A precocious American niece with no Chinese speech impediment.

Oh,

sort of like the niece in Rumble and the Bronx.

That's where Adam you developed your crush on Asian girls, is from this young Chinese girl in Jackie Chan Adventures.

Yeah, yes, it is.

Moving on.

Yeah.

Wait,

but about your, what about your, I don't want to hear about your Halloween costume that you were like.

Because Sonic.

I always asked to buy like Power Ranger stuff.

I was Hercules one year.

That was pretty good.

The Kevin Sorbo one.

My parents would just put me in like

scarves of my mom's and be like, you're a fucking pirate.

Interesting.

Oh, yeah.

That was your parents' choice to go into your mom's room.

Yeah, yeah.

My parents would always force me to put

it.

It's the middle of May, and his dad's like, what the fuck is this?

He's like, I'm playing Halloween.

It's Halloween, dad.

I'm pretending it's Halloween so I can get candy.

And he's like, God save.

Why is the TV remote in your ass?

I'm playing the remote's lost.

Oh, fuck.

I was the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Oh, that's cute.

It was part of my way of trying to own being fat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As a little kid, I had I was trying to like, you know, overcome it.

I don't remember doing costume after fourth grade.

I think I fourth grade.

Yeah, fourth grade was like, I think,

and then for like the last three years I did Halloween, it was always like just black hoodie and then like a scream mask.

Right, right.

The classic, like, too old to do it, but you still want candy type of shit.

I think last year I did it was sixth grade.

I had khakis, black t-shirt, red, backwards.

Yankees fitted.

That was Fred Durst.

Yeah, I don't remember middle school.

I remember when we were young and shit, Eldis dressed up.

Your other rap name is Bre Durse.

That's good.

Oh,

is he a rapper exactly?

Yeah, of course he is.

Fred?

Fred?

Yes, of course.

It's just one of those days when you don't want to wake up.

Everybody sucks.

Everything is fucked.

You don't know why, but you want to justify.

Ripping someone's head off.

I can't qualify.

No human contact.

Are you serious, dude?

Dude, if you interact, your life is on contract.

The best bet is to stay away, motherfucker.

This is one of those days.

It's all about the he said, she said.

That flowed like wine.

I was listening to that album like two months ago.

I'm fucking.

That shit got stuck in the CD player in my car.

Ripping someone's head off.

Yeah, dude.

You don't remember the the song you did with Medicine?

Your distance.

Because right now I'm dangerous.

Right now I'm dangerous.

Yeah, that's a cool.

Fred, let's do that again, but can you not do that like Adam Sandler voice thing?

All right, I'll try.

Because right now I'm dangerous.

Put a little stank on it, Freddy boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a girl in the Break Stuff music video, some like tomboy looking bitches.

I remember

up and shakes her tits.

i remember really nice yeah yeah yeah she doesn't even have like particularly nice tits there's just something about the way she does it and like the the duration of the tits being shaked that

you can't help but think man i should track down that woman

i should find out who she is and confront her as being the woman from the limb biscuit break stuff music video everybody's in that music video who else did it i don't remember the guy from corn yeah jonathan davis

Well, they went on tour together.

They were like tour mates.

What was that tour called?

It was called something.

The corn and limp biscuits.

9/11 is never going to happen.

Yeah, yeah.

It's going to be 1999 forever tour.

Oh, yeah, weren't they in Woodstock 99?

Yeah,

everyone got raped.

Whoa, seriously?

In the mud?

I remember watching that on TV.

I was at my cousin's house.

She had just given birth.

She was a former stripper.

Nice.

Is she hot?

I guess.

Yeah, sure.

Nice.

Why not?

Tell her I said, what's up?

We're watching Woodstock 99 on TV.

Woo!

Woodstock, nothing like the spirit of Woodstock, Hendrix.

Limbisket was basically Hendrix, the new Hendrix.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I felt like it was all a bunch of bullshit bands, too.

Who else is at Woodstock 99?

It was like Vans Warped Horse shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Woodstock 99.

Yeah.

Was that Jameric why I was there, maybe?

Yeah, yeah.

yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like there's always a black, like, yeah, there's like a black band that's like.

I'm going to become an RB and act named Terdise.

And it's T-U-R-D-I-C-E with an accent.

The Family Values tour.

That was the name of the tour, yeah.

Yeah, and Ice Cube.

Ice Cube.

Incubus was on.

We don't embrace family values.

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, that was Ice Cube right before he made the

turn to just be like a dad in movie.

To be one of America's favorite comedian actors.

He was like the cool black guy that was giving them all credibility on that tour, basically.

He had to say, I'm going to pull this car over.

Yeah.

If you kids don't.

We ain't going on vacation if you can't sit down.

If y'all don't sit down down there, we ain't going on vacation.

It's like, oh, no.

Somebody left Ice Cube's brain out in the sun.

Ice Cube's son now gets to be a damn actor.

Yeah, Ice Cube Jr.

out there.

Yeah, he played Ice Cube in the movie.

What's his name?

A smaller ice cube?

Nice.

An ice cube that was made in a smaller tray.

Puddle boy.

That's good.

Hey, crushed ice.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, crushed.

Yeah,

a piece of hail from a hailstorm, maybe.

That might be big or small.

Yeah.

From a small storm.

Yeah, more like a little sleet.

Sleep.

I'd say, if you want a good deal on a car, by the way, go down to Texas, get a hailstorm-damaged vehicle.

Really?

Oh, yeah?

Well, I mean, they're fucking, like, completely fucked up.

But the engine's good.

The car's fine.

It's just got some kind of weird cosmetic thing.

Should we go get.

Remember, we talked about getting a van like a year ago?

I was talking about it.

I know we talked about a boat all the time.

Let's go down to Texas.

Let's fucking drive.

Let's take.

Let's get plane tickets down there.

We drive our van back.

Huh?

Who's with me?

Shows?

Yeah, we go to Austin.

We do some shows.

We barbecue.

We could do Atlanta.

Oh, this is a great idea, boys.

We could do Charlotte in North Carolina.

Charlotte, I had the worst show of my life.

I almost fought a banker in Charlotte.

Yeah, I was touring with Wham City.

The Queen City.

This place called Snug Harbor, and no one showed up except one insane woman that was like a fan of theirs.

She fought you?

No, there's just some fat guy that was there, and I was doing crowd work, and he was like, fuck you!

And he, like, he tried to fucking fight me.

It's pretty tight.

What's the worst you ever got, heckled?

That was pretty bad.

I mean, that guy was like.

I've had people had to be like dragged out of shows.

Yeah, me too.

Really?

That's never happened to me.

In DC, this guy was, he was just like, take your fucking shirt off, Feg.

He kept shouting at me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was in Philly and I was doing a bit about

how the Constitution is bullshit.

Oh, I remember that bit.

That was a good bit.

And then fucking some guy was like, wake up, son.

And this is like the peak of like, you know, Obama's a Muslim.

Right, right, right.

So I was like, fuck you, you old piece of shit.

And then, because I, like, I don't, like,

comedy is just, at this point, even then, yeah, comedy is just like a job.

Yeah.

So if you try to make the 20 minutes I have to work any harder, it's not going to be like, hey, we're just having fun here, sir.

You know, we're like, I'm not going to riff or whatever.

It was always like, he'd be like, fuck you.

He's an.

Just go fucking.

A hundred years ago, they'd be hanging from whatever.

Yeah, no, they dragged him out of the show.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

But I've, you know, I've had shit like that happen.

People scream and shit, and

they need to be removed.

I wanted to fight that guy, dude.

I was mad.

But you didn't.

That's how the story ends.

I was at that place.

They wouldn't let me, dude.

I I was trying.

Was that place in Petworth?

I punched a hole through the damn wall trying to get to it.

Petworth?

We'll talk about it during the break.

Oh, the break.

We'll be back.

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And we're back.

It's all about sucking, fucking, pussy.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Ah, limp biscuit.

That's what the ladies call my cock.

A limp old little biscuit.

I thought it was about when you dunk

a cookie and tea

while you're having.

Oh, that's what I thought.

Yep.

No, that's when you put your dick in a pussy soft.

A limp biscuit.

I assumed.

Yeah, that's what it was.

I've been soft dick in girls.

That's a really terrible feeling.

Oh, my God.

When you're just grabbing it at the base and pretending it's hard.

Yeah, you're trying to squeeze it into like being pipe.

Like a fucking deflated balloon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

You're trying to get the fucking stiffness at the top.

Oh, that is a terrible feeling.

I'm not a man.

Absolutely.

Just get potentially homosexual.

If you could, you would just get two popsicle sticks and splint it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, that would only ever really happen to me when I was like really fucking drunk.

Yeah, I mean, it happens when I'm drunk, yeah.

But I don't drink anymore, so that's like

you got that rock hard.

Oh, yeah, I've never had that problem as like a sober person, even when I'm like completely fucking yaked out.

Really?

Yeah, interesting.

I can get a boner

from that, but I can't, it takes me a while to come.

Yeah, takes me sometimes.

Actually, that's probably my experience with like uppers, too.

It's like, I just, it takes me, I could, I could get hard, but I can't come.

No, I remember I was taking Adderall in college for for a while like during finals and i i the boners would be 75 percenters it wouldn't be nice strong oh maybe that's trapped i'm gonna blame the atdol

yeah i've had some bad showings i think it's not good for boners i've put up some bad numbers recently yeah it's a what is it a vat vas vaso vasa

vasa vasodilator i mean whatever the one that constricts your blood vessel it fucks your cock up yeah i didn't know that yeah i think dare they prescribe me something that would fuck my my cock up?

I need all the help I can get, bro.

I just remember I'd jack off like at like 60% or 70%.

I've been jacking off kind of not at my best potential either.

I mean, I'm like, I don't care.

I don't have to show up nice for myself.

What if I get.

What if I get

yeah, I mean, that's the way of fucking

that's why you don't get better at fucking.

Why?

You treat jacking off as practice?

Yeah.

Dude, Nick's got one of those.

You practice how you play, dude.

I treat everything in my life as practice.

You know, that's what the Navy SEALs do.

Use live ammunition on the fucking training.

If somebody dies, fuck him.

He's a wash too weak.

You know, send his fucking raped body back to his family.

Because that's right.

We're fucking him after he dies.

Let a mommy and daddy know that your little Tommy didn't have what it takes to be a U.S.

Navy SEAL.

At least part of him was a U.S.

Navy SEAL.

I love how many people...

He had jizz in his ass.

I left a little signature on his body.

He got a couple of medals, if you know what I mean.

A lot of two SEAL Team 6 guys just murdered an Army Ranger in Africa.

No, chill.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I heard about that.

That's some fucking

action movie shit.

I guess it proves what we all kind of knew.

Army Rangers sort of pussies.

I'm kind of torn because I'm...

I belong to both of those groups.

Yeah.

They just hit me up whenever they need.

Well, as an international mercenary that outranks all of them.

Yeah.

International mercenary.

I used to be with the special operations group at the CIA.

But then I got promoted past that to allowed to murder anyone in the world at any time.

Yeah.

Oh, Blackwater.

No, past Blackwater.

Past Black Box.

I'm 000.

I'm Dr.

Manhattan.

I'm 0069 for England.

0069 for England.

I'm like James Bond.

What do you have to do for them?

I'm basically James Bond.

You have to just like do.

I have to fuck Halley Berry, and I have to fucking.

I'm Jeremy Piven

from Entourage?

Yeah,

he just got allegations.

I mean, that's not surprising, is it?

Well, by Lloyd.

It was Lloyd.

He spoke very rudely to me.

He raped the guy to play Lloyd

to get into character.

He raped his boy.

I don't like it.

Jeremy.

Oh, boy.

I remember

my cousin and me one time.

My uncle had like an office for a while, and he had an assistant.

And the assistant was this guy, Alvin, or something.

I forget what his name was.

And me and my cousin were like eight.

Theodore.

So we thought he was just a cool guy, you know?

Because he had like tattoos or whatever and he wore tight shirts.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And then we went on Alvin's computer one time and like, you know, like the fucking like search history comes up and it's like guys sucking each other's dick.

And we found it.

And we were like, oh,

he's fucking gay.

And we're like showing my uncle and he's like, that's none of your business.

Holy shit.

Damn, dude.

Yeah.

I told that story already about that guy, Brian, uh, in college, who had

a life-size Leonidas poster history.

Guy sucking dick, but he's not gay.

But he's not gay for the first time ever.

But he's also not gay.

There's two straight guys.

He'll bounce right back to heterosexuality after this.

I think I saw on Facebook he's married.

To a woman.

To a penis.

To a severed penis.

He's just going to have a great life where he just watches gay porn for 60 years.

Nah, he's definitely cheating on his wife with men, for sure.

Probably, yeah.

That guy gets off on not on being not gay.

Yeah, yeah.

That's like a weird orientation that people just can't like process.

It's like some people don't need to come out of the closet.

They feel better pretending like they're not gay and secretly fucking men.

That's their sexual orientation.

Yeah.

That's their sexuality.

It's called being on the down low.

And it's of, you know, I'll tell you what, it's being stolen from the black community by your friend.

That's right.

Absolutely.

He's not my friend, but yeah.

He's not your friend.

Oh, he was after

a guy that he had

an agreement with.

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.

He's my friend's roommate.

You guys would just hang out like every

time.

No, he was a total prick.

He was like, he was a huge asshole.

I mean, it was amazing.

I fucked at him and wouldn't call him back.

Also, like, my friend found, he went on his computer to use U-Porn.

And I'm like, that's weird that you're watching porn on your roommate's.

From the early days of U-Porn, I thought that's how he felt

of homemade porn was like so cool when porn first came out.

I remember jacking off to like a video of like

some like extremely thick Turkish woman taking on like some shitty cell phone video.

And it's just her walking around, but she had such a huge ass that I thought was unreal.

Yeah, homemade still is nice.

It was like 240p,

240i,

all shaky.

Can't tell where the nipple and the fucking areola

the difference.

You know, it's all one brown part.

Yep, yep, yep.

You know,

the dick looks like,

I don't know.

It's not well-defined.

You guys get it.

Have we talked about Japanese porn before in this show?

Sure.

Yes.

Yeah.

Blur the cocks out.

We got nothing else to talk about.

I beat off to a porn where it's like a cam girl fucking a delivery man, and I fell for it.

Like, I feel like it's real.

I know it's not, but she was on the other side.

I like to suspend my disbelief.

Yeah, yeah.

And she like, but but the guy was all nervous.

I kind of bought it.

You know?

That's cool, though.

Yeah, thanks, man.

That's sort of your dream when you're a delivery man.

Yeah.

Oh, some hot girl's going to want me to fuck her on cam.

And then it's like, you know, you get shot in the neck by a 13-year-old black kid.

And then you just sort of die

in the parking lot of Project Housing while trying to earn your $4.75 an hour from Papa John's.

And then your family isn't compensated by the pizza company at all because they make millions and millions of dollars to hand over to lawyers to prevent them from any kind of liability when they.

Shouts out to Papa John saying kneeling during the NFL is what caused this shitty fucking company to lose money.

Dude, what if he has to be fired as a CEO?

He's crazy.

Imagine a fucking, like, if I were a fucking shareholder and the CEO of the company, after like

an enormous loss, was an 11% fucking

wild in the stock price, goes out in public and makes a fucking comment that's

regardless of like, no matter how fucking right you are, you have to be able to analyze and say, like,

this is going to be a divisive statement

that is not good for the company.

To say anything other than, like, yeah, you know, well, we got some different things we got to try, or like, you know, the market's shifting.

It's like, delivery, I mean, everything's delivery now through seamless and we've got like a bunch of new ways that we're trying to get people excited about pizza again and to fucking go out and say oh no you know what the problem is the coons not bowing to the flag the queen flag that's the problem is they don't he's a huge drunk and he's a huge tea party guy oh yeah yeah he's the he's the like definition of a loose cannon well i mean it's it's the politics aside that's such a fucking shitty move for the head of a company yeah oh totally i love that drunk-ass picture of him at a Louisville game.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's just draped over.

Just his face is purple, like, just completely weird.

I realize today, because both the stories happen at the same time, he looks a lot like Manafort.

Oh.

They look very similar.

Yep.

You know?

Shouts out to Papadopoulos.

Yeah.

Flipping on the whole squad.

Yeah.

Oh,

it was Trump.

Just singing like my Greek brother.

He's going to bring.

See, he's a rat.

He's not actually bad.

He's an informant, dude.

Papa Dog.

He's been undercover the whole time.

I don't even know he existed.

Nobody did.

He was some like low-level.

Yeah, he's a nothing, right?

Yeah.

There's some other guy that they're talking about is flipping that I'm like, I've never heard that guy's name before.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I don't need to know their name.

Do you think anything's going to happen?

Probably not.

I mean, that Mueller indictment was rushed.

We talked about it, but there's like this huge error in it where they

name

some woman as the former president of Ukraine and she was never president.

Damn.

It's like in the indictment.

One man's got to do a little double-check in there, Mueller.

Right, which I don't know how big of an issue that is.

Hey, anybody ever did this one?

Mueller.

Oh, yeah.

Mueller.

Mueller, right, guys?

Like that movie.

Also, they got fucking Manafort on tax evasion.

Yeah,

it wasn't a lot of people.

This isn't Russian collusion.

It's a rich guy doing the same shit every fucking rich person does.

It seems like, oh, wow.

You know, he fucking snuck money into the country to spend

almost a million dollars on rugs.

That was part of it.

That's swag.

Yeah, for his fucking house.

I'd give him that one.

Whatever.

I really don't give a shit.

Yo, imagine how fucking luxurious those carpets are, though, dude.

First of all, I don't know anyone who isn't a fucking tax cheat.

You know?

Literally, everybody I fucking, not a cheat, but like.

You're always trying to get the way it's set up is you try and minimize the amount of fucking money that you pay.

Yeah, Yeah, it's a weird system where everyone's like trying to get over on the government.

Right.

Whereas if we just did a tax on,

I don't know, something else,

doesn't Huckabee.

I remember I went to a Huckabee rally as a bit in like the year 2000 or something, maybe.

And he said something about a flat tax or something.

Wait, you went to a Huckabee rally as a bit 17 years ago?

I'm sorry, not 17 years ago.

When I was in college, whatever year that was.

He was at College Park.

2008?

When Elders was at College Park.

Yeah.

And we just kind of went, like, because we thought it was funny.

You went to University of Maryland for

Ernest is getting too fat to lick his own asshole now, and he struggles.

Then he gives up.

I feel you, brother.

I feel you, my fat brother.

There was a time in my life I was too fat to comfortably wipe my ass.

Really?

Are you serious?

Yeah, I had to fucking go on a bathtub and like put my leg up Captain Morgan style and get underneath it.

That's so fat.

I know.

I was fat as shit.

That was when I was like 330.

That's so funny.

I hope you get that fat again.

No, dude.

I'm wishing it upon you.

I've been trending down steadily.

Look at this gross cat.

My dog's been eating her pussy all day long today for some reason.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Look at Ernest.

Oh, Nick just kicked the cat.

Let him lick his own ass.

Let him give himself a ring.

I'm making him do it in the other room.

I don't want him fucking licking his ass directly in front of him.

I don't respect.

I don't want to see this disgusting display of auto-homosexuality.

Would you eat your own ass if you could?

Auto-homosexuality is what Jay Leno does.

Are there women?

Fuck your cars.

Are there women in men's cars?

Yeah, if you watch that documentary about people that fuck cars, they do gender the cars.

Interesting.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's got that guy in there that fucked Airwolf.

He likes snuck into the museum where they keep Airwolf and he fucked it.

What's Airwolf?

This is a helicopter from a TV.

Whoa, really?

He fucked the TV helicopter.

You know who I want to get my dick sucked by is the magic school bus.

It has those fat lips.

Imagine how good that would feel.

It does have some big-ass lips.

Yeah.

You just fingering Miss Frizzle's red-ass pussy.

I would love to fuck up.

Miss Frizzle was hot.

You got that lizard shoved up your ass.

Dude,

making Carlos Carlos

Carlos is rubbing your back and fucking making you mojitos and table side guac while you

nine nine fingers deep in Miss Frizzle

damn I want to fuck you leave the pinky out because as a stylistic flair it's not that you can't take it but you gotta you know you hold it like a teacup that's how you finger miss frizzle pinky out that's right dude two hands like royalty yeah two hands both hands

Both pinkies.

Prayer style and one out.

One pinky out.

Putting your nuts on the bumper of the magic school bus.

Oh, yeah.

It's winter, so it's cold.

Oh, so they stick.

Yeah.

So you have to pour a little warm water on them to get them off.

Yeah, yeah.

You got a drool on your nuts, son, stick your nuts on them.

I like that a lot.

I really like that.

Oh, whoa.

Damn.

If you're out there and you're fucking horny for the magic school bus, just go ahead and jack off right at work.

If anyone comes over and asks you what you're doing,

yeah, just

show them the podcast you're listening to on your phone.

Say, I'm jacking off to the magic school bus right now.

You can't fire me.

It's actually an orientation.

That's right, baby.

It's called the white version of being on the down low.

That's where you want to fuck cartoons.

What are some other cartoons that could get it?

You know?

Herbie, the other cartoon car,

fully loaded.

Yeah.

That could get it in terms of cartoon cars.

The Larry the Cable Guy pickup truck and cars.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Most of the cast of Texas.

Yeah, some cartoon characters just sexy, you know?

Like the brave little toaster.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He doesn't want to just put your copper pick up in that little electric slot.

Fucking horse.

Got two pussies on it.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Oh, yes.

And no women, by the way.

Obviously, Velma and the other one from Scooby-Doo, we'd fuck that.

I'd fuck that lesbian from Scooby Doo Doo Doo.

But that's not, we're talking about anthropomorphic

objects.

I'd like to take two hands, right?

And then while you have one hand, you get a real tight grip on a Yago from Aladdin.

And then you position him over your dick.

And jack off the other hand to slam him down

as fast as possible.

I love that.

It's completely stuff that bird over your...

With your cock.

And a little feather flies, you know?

And he deserves

coming out of his mouth.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he deserves it.

You fucked his entire digestive system into his beak cavity.

That's what I call sex, baby.

The robot from the Jetsons.

Yeah.

You know?

I feel like she would have some kind of mechanical pussy.

Yeah.

You think the Jetsons fuck their mate?

Their robot mates?

Probably, right?

Yeah, it's their property.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

Wow.

Shove Bam Bam's bat up my ass.

Yeah.

Jam that giant fucking bat all the way up my ass.

Put the short side up and then turn around real quick and hit someone with me.

Put my legs up on the dash and drive the car with my dick.

I just slap my dick against the ground to make the car drive.

A gay guy from the Flintstones, instead of the ribs to eat them, he just gets a big ass bronosaurus dick and puts the whole thing in his ass.

oh boy yeah what are some other sexy cartoon characters um

i mean that we we would really want to fuck no the bit is when people say

you know you know some cartoon characters are hot like jessica rabbit right but then so not just

i thought we were shifting no no no okay you tommy the joke pickles you say yeah fucking yeah some cartoon characters characters are pretty hot.

Tommy Pickles is a good one.

Yeah, Grandpa Simpson.

Can you imagine just rubbing your dick all over that lumpy ass head of his?

You'd be like reading braille with your dick.

I'm trying to fuck Reptar, dude.

I don't know about you, motherfuckers.

That's double cart.

That's a cartoon in a cartoon.

Yeah.

That's double sexual.

Itchy and scratchy.

I want them to itchy my balls and stuff.

That's what I call my nuts, dude.

I got one eye itch.

I got one eye scratch.

No, fuck you, Ernest.

Ernest is drinking my water.

After licking his asshole for like 30 minutes.

Well, that's his water now.

Yeah.

I've just been alphed by Ernest.

It's going to be great when you forget and drink that water, too.

I won't do it.

Yeah, you will.

Yeah, so anyways, I just watched Jacob's Ladder again halfway through the other night.

Pretty good.

Never seen it.

You didn't even see The Twist.

No, I've seen the movie a million times.

I haven't seen shit, dude.

Yeah, that movie passed.

The next movie I'll see in theaters is probably going to be the next Star Wars movie.

I don't really have any interest in the story, but I heard they're letting people jack off in the theater to the girl.

That's 5D, dude.

Yeah.

They already have 4D, which is like, you know, they spray shit on you.

Now you get to spray shit on them.

Yeah.

Beat off.

I think we said that on the last episode.

Did we?

On 4D?

Yeah, 4D and then 5D.

Yeah, you just get rained on.

Did we say that?

Yeah, something about 4D.

Because 4D is time.

Right, but 4D movies, you just get misted and it's

smells.

Yeah.

Some sprays, Lysol or whatever.

That's so fucking retarded.

So dumb.

5D is you beat off.

It's $30 for each ticket.

I mean, that's how fucking much IMAX is.

I used to love going to IMAX to sign.

You ever go to the science?

I bet something this.

It's called Guy Max, and it's guys only.

Okay.

And what are you doing?

What do you free to do?

What are you free to do in that?

And we go into into the theater and we just check out just sweet babes.

Okay.

Wearing bikinis.

You know what gets me really turned on, fellas?

A bikini.

Women's clothes.

Oh, yeah.

Wearing them.

Put them on.

Then you look in the mirror and you say, I could be a sexy lady, too.

Would you fuck me?

I'd fuck me.

Yep.

I'd fuck me so hard.

Yes.

You don't know what pain is.

And then maybe you coax one of the other fellas to maybe, maybe, you know, play that part.

Yeah.

Maybe he fucks you.

Yeah.

Maybe they call it Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

Was he from Buffalo?

They never addressed him.

He loved chicken wings and he was from Buffalo, so it's a double reason.

Was that it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They called him Wing Stop Williams.

Shouts out to Wingstop.

Rick Ross owns it.

Buffalo Wild Wings is the funniest goddamn restaurant.

He dressed his daughter as a lemon pepper wing, by the way.

I was saying to somebody, Buffalo Wild Wings is like, imagine if you were too dumb for Dave and Busters.

Yeah, no, there's no games.

There's no games.

No, you can just watch if you couldn't figure out the games of Dave and Busters.

Don't slander BWWs, dude.

That's the quality place to go.

Dave and Buster's vibe,

but none of the.

Yeah, it's the same quality of food.

None of the mental effort it takes to navigate a Dave and Buster.

I will say there has been a shift.

The wings are smaller

at BWWs.

They used to be juicy.

Dude, I went to a wing stop one time, and there was this really big fat guy behind the counter.

And I was there with my friend Brendan, who's

one of the funniest people.

And the fat guy made the mistake of enthusiastically telling us what his favorite wings were.

Oh, no.

And

knowing Brendan well enough, I just sort of watched the gears turn in his head, knowing that he's documenting every fucking word and mannerism that this guy's putting on display so that he can make fun of it for literally months on end.

What were his favorites?

You know what?

Let's talk shop.

Yeah, I don't even remember, but I do remember laughing hysterically at my friend's impression of him.

Oh, a wind expert here.

I used to just eat the garbage outside, but then they gave me a job.

Ah, fuck, dude.

I love a nice wing.

God damn.

I was at the Arlington draft house today, and there was a guy that was way too into working at the Arlington draft.

That's always sad when you see some like.

Sherman Williams had a couple of Sherman Williams lifers.

Yeah.

Like people are just like, this is, get out, man.

He was just going around.

The worst are GameStop employees.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The people that want to work at GameStop and aren't just like, yeah, I had a kid when I was 16.

Yeah.

This is my fucking life.

What is this draft house guy like, Adam?

He was just like,

he, like, chastised an older black woman.

He's like, excuse me, they just played a commercial.

Sir, my name is chastise.

If you're going to chastise me, you better understand that that is also my name.

Le Chastise Violence.

I'm sorry, I did not mean to disrespect you.

Disrespect is my

middle name.

This is my son, disrespect.

And my other son, churlish.

Churlish.

Damn it, disrespect.

If you don't act good, we're going to turn this correct.

I'm going to turn this damn corruption.

Do you remember substitute teachers, like black substitute teachers, would always say, like, I'm going to write you up for insubordination?

That was the big one.

Every single person.

Also, what is writing up?

Is that just like an administrative referral?

Yeah, basically.

Yeah, I guess it doesn't mean anything.

Doesn't do anything.

Yeah.

Every administrative referral I got, you just go to the principal's office and they're like, yeah, don't do what they do.

Damn, I just realized that, dude.

Holy fucking worked on me my whole life.

I mean, the smartest kids were the ones that just realized that in trouble meant nothing.

Yeah, of course not.

Like, oh, why can't we do that?

Oh, we're gonna get in trouble.

They were smart.

The smartest kids were the ones that went to fucking Harvard.

The whole power structure was built on a complete lie.

Yeah, I mean, those were the kids that were like the matrix.

It's kind of the truth still, even in the outside world.

You think, like, oh, if I could go go back and if I knew the consequences were just detention or, you know, being suspended or something, I'd do whatever the fuck I want.

But the reality is, is like an adult man,

you can murder people, you can rob banks, you do whatever the fuck you want.

The worst that happens is you just go to jail.

And then you could get, you know, sexually assaulted if you're a bitch.

Yeah, exactly.

But if you learn how to bite a man's penis off,

that's real liberty.

That's real freedom.

That's what George Washington Washington wanted.

That's why he had those wooden teeth.

Yeah, when he chopped down that cherry tree,

strong as wood.

And his dad said, why the fuck did you do this?

He said, I want to suck a man's dick to death in jail.

I'm not scared.

And no way.

And that's what the fucking athletes are kneeling to.

That's the story.

Tell it.

Tell it.

And in honor of that, Papa Johns is offering a pizza, a pepperoni pizza, where

we've aligned the pepperonis to look like George Washington sucking a man's penis in jail

to represent the true freedom of Papa John's.

You know, apparently, we all we see is the old George Washington.

Young George Washington was like a sexy guy with red hair, apparently.

Apparently, old George Washington was sexy too.

What the fuck does that even mean?

No, like George Washington was like super tall for the time.

Everyone was like 5'6.

He Dubbs was laying popping up.

He was like 6'2, apparently.

Yeah.

You think think he only fucked Martha or you think he fucked someone else too?

Come on.

He was definitely, first of all, fucking slaves.

His

people that he owned, humans that he owned.

And second of all, yeah, of course.

I think that's a myth, dude.

I think that's a myth, but you know.

No, if you think about it, all black people have founding father names.

It's just Jefferson or Washington or

Hancock was just a movie, but I'm sure you could find another black guy named Hancock.

Oh, you think Hancock the superhero?

He can trace his lineage all the way back to the guy from the Constitution that signed his name big as shit.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, he was real flamboyant.

That was Hancock's other superpowers with good-ass signatures.

Yeah, it's true.

He had the most flamboyant

signature.

Sam Adams.

A lot of black guys named St.

Paulie's Girl.

Another founding father.

That's right.

Yep.

DeAndre Milwaukee's best.

You guys ever meet that guy?

He's pretty cool.

Who are the other founding fathers?

Jefferson, Washington, Benjamin Franklin,

Maximilian Robespierre.

Yep.

John Hancock.

King George.

Yeah.

He was one of them.

Come on, Adam.

This is your wheelhouse.

The founding fathers.

Bob Evans.

James Madison.

Pat Buchanan.

John Quincy Adams.

Yeah.

The McLaughlin group.

The Koch Brothers Dad.

Issue one.

Tonight on the group, Jamie Kilstein's rebranding as an alt-right guy, good or bad.

Tony Blankly, what do you have to say?

I think it's good.

Yeah, that's what he sounds like.

I think it's good in my dick small.

It's me, Tony Blankly, all the way from Britain.

Tiny Britain.

Tiny Blankly.

Tiny Blankly.

Take that bitch.

Some fucking old news guy who I don't know at all.

Yeah.

I love being stupid, man.

I'm just going to keep getting dumber every year until I die, I think.

I want them to bring back the McLaughlin group and let Sinbad host it.

I think that would be a great show.

What's he up to these days?

Who?

Sinbad.

I don't know.

Getting an earring removed by a doctor because it fused with his lobe

completely

about how it's not the 70s anymore.

I feel like he's getting what was his act about?

I don't even think I watched it.

It's literally all about the 70s, how things aren't like the 70s anymore.

Really?

What his act was?

But also, really good comic.

Yeah, he's the haven't seen any of his.

No, he's legitimately.

Watch his stand-up.

It's a million fucking times better than everything now.

I had to watch

somebody's Fallon appearance the other day.

It's like, I don't want to to go into it, but it's

just like, I have like, just stand-up isn't good anymore.

You know, it's just not good.

And I think, like, is it because I'm jaded?

Because I've, like, you know, watched a lot of stand-up, and I can go back and watch old shit, and it's great.

I think partially it is.

I mean, partially, you're probably just, like, a little overloaded by, you know, just seeing stand-up now.

But, I mean, I'm with you.

The vast majority of stuff you see is kind of fucking.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It seems like there's way more stand-up and there's no.

well, that's certainly something I've complained about.

So I guess since we redid, we're done.

We're done on time.

But

we should recap a couple of things that got

lost in the episode that was deleted.

Jamie Kilstein is back.

He is now an alt-right guy.

I was wrong.

He really didn't do anything.

When I watched the Rogan thing, I thought he said he beat a woman, but that was just a joke that didn't land or whatever.

What did he say?

He was telling some other anecdote about an African guy that.

Oh, first of all, he was making fun of African guy voice, which

stay in your lane, motherfucker.

Whoa,

no.

Let's get the fucking bats out, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's pull up on Kilstein.

He definitely doesn't pay for the Patreon, you know?

He's definitely

legally down to the bottom.

We could beat up Jamie Kilstein, right?

Of course.

Of course.

But he's got like spaghetti tattoo on it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a little underway, like 115 pounds.

Let's go fuck him up, dude.

Yeah.

For taking African guy voice.

Yeah, so

I guess there was that.

We talked about that.

The terrorist guy got angry, and then we ended up not really saying anything about the issue at all.

Terrorist attack, we had a couple of good riffs on that.

I think number one thing I pointed out was that

he was stopped.

The truck was stopped by a short bus.

Yeah, that's true.

Hats off to the driver for making the snap decision to put retarded kids in the line of fire to save the world.

And every single one of those kids also a hero.

Yeah.

Technically.

They're all wearing helmets, I think.

You know, but really, only group of people that hasn't done a mass shooting.

That's true.

It's true.

The mentally disabled.

Yeah.

And their proximity to the mentally ill, you know, they get a bad rap.

But totally peaceful.

Yeah.

In comparison.

And bad rap,

limp biscuit.

We tied it all together.

That's how you close a show.

Beautifully.

Thanks, guys.

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