Ep. 75 – The Voice Of The Left

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What's up, everybody?

You're watching Dan Carlin's Hard R History.

Today's episode,

the N-word.

Following it, part of our 37-part series on America's favorite word.

I'm Dan Carlin.

Not to be confused with George Carlin,

who I'm of a very similar, I don't know anything about Dan Carlin other than he has a show called

History.

What's that about?

The history of people getting fucked on cam.

Dick and pussy on cam.

Yeah.

Not just getting fucked.

You see the dick in the pussy.

And then Mark Twain was the first person to actually zoom in on the asshole.

Just getting fucking railed out.

Yeah.

We were live at the WNYC studios.

I'm Jad Abunrod.

And I'm Rollins.

WNYC.

Audio for nerds.

Audio for people that

wish they were still in college that they could

do homework all day long.

People that wish they still had homework.

That's so fucking true, those fucking nerds.

They wanted to fucking get grades back on their chores and shit.

Yeah, people that want to just be pet on the head by a teacher.

I remember.

Have someone to tattle to.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Not real men like us.

Yeah.

Blue-collar boys.

Fucking try and tattle on me, bitch.

Try it, bitch.

Figure out who to tattle to.

Your employer?

Guess what?

I don't have a job.

That's right.

Well, you do have a job right now.

Yes.

Don't tell anyone that I have an employer.

Yeah, I can't be fired.

I can't get fired.

I can't be fired.

They do have a window right now that they could fire you.

That's kind of probably.

Yeah.

Please, nobody call

WNYC Studios

host my show.

Please don't call WNYC Studios and demand that they take Dan Carlin's hard art history off the air.

Their new show, Dan Carlin's Hard Reason.

Would you listen to an audio series about the N-word?

If Ken Burns did it, yeah.

I'm surprised Ken Burns hasn't done the N-word yet

in the documentary.

It's a plastic black wig.

Why is this?

What's with his hair?

Jesus Christ.

I just got Ken Burns' The N-word on 4K Blu-ray.

It's 17 discs.

It's an 82-hour show, but it's great.

It's all really powerful letters home to your wife.

Yeah.

Back from the

there's so many of them here.

My dearest Virginia, I came up with the funniest words today.

Me and the boys were down at the barracks eating hardtack, just waiting for them Yankee fellas to come by and murder us all.

And I said, what if we called them this?

I can't wait to get home to your sweet lips and whisper it into your ear.

Oh, goddamn.

Yeah, this is a fucking another late night.

We're late night boys tonight, dude.

Yeah, but this mood is right when we're not eating.

Yeah, the mood is right.

I've been drinking coffee all goddamn long.

I drink a late coffee after the DW on ibuprofen.

I've been taking painkillers all day long.

I really fucked up my shoulder the other day.

Did you do snatches?

I don't know.

No.

Cleaning drinks.

I was benching and I was locking out, which is usually like the safest part of the bench press.

And then my collarbone popped.

Uh-oh.

It felt like it popped in and out.

I don't know how the fuck it happened.

Your bitch-ass body is quitting on you.

No, I think I've become too strong for bones.

Oh, no, your frame.

That's what happened.

Your frame is protesting.

It's like we need to start doing gay stuff again.

Yeah, I got a frame for you.

It's the one around your picture on the wall at the burger restaurant.

Number one customer.

Thank you for paying my son's wage.

The guy that drank all, if you drink all the grease and grease trap,

you get your own picture.

Stop having a chance.

Yeah, but sir, that actually wasn't a challenge that we have here.

And you're like, it's okay.

I brought the shirt picture.

I bring my own picture at every burger restaurant and I invent my own challenge.

Oh, fuck.

Shouts out the cheeseburger in Paradise in White Marsh, Maryland.

My picture is on that wall for eating a five-pound burger.

A five-pound burger?

That's a lot.

Wait, is that real?

Yeah, no, I'm not kidding.

You ate a five-pound burger?

It was whatever their challenge burger is, I'm pretty sure.

Any cumboys in Baltimore want to go to that?

I think it's on Honeygo Boulevard.

Cheeseburger restaurant, get us a picture of Stobb's fat ass.

Well, I mean, you think about it, it's like McDonald's has a quarter-pounder, right?

Yeah, I could eat was 20 of those.

I can eat 20 quarter pounders.

20?

When your boy is fucking, when everything's clicking on all cylinders, can I tell you what?

You're not my boy in the context of you putting five pounds of fucking, you know,

ground beef.

What's it like being in the zone like that?

Bro, me and Elton.

Tell me about it.

Tell me, I put together one of the most disgusting evenings of my life the other night.

It was so bad my dick didn't work for like two days afterwards.

Yeah, oh, it was that.

It was that.

It was that.

It was my problem.

It was that.

It was the food.

Your penis didn't work.

I was struggling

afterwards.

But I still got a lot of stuff.

What was the shit like?

The shit was

a noodle.

Dairy queenis.

That's what Stobb's got between his legs.

What is it?

A dairy queen is.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, it's a vagina

made out of ice cream.

That sounds.

Now that.

Now we're combining it.

Check this out.

It's so tight you can turn it upside down and none of the cum comes out.

There he is.

Yo, I would eat the hell out of a pussy ice cream.

But let me tell you this order.

Niggas taking a phone call.

All right, let me tell you this order.

It was fucking,

so

we get, we start with a Chinese food order.

Right.

And it's two combination platters, okay?

Shrimp and broccoli, General Sos, Jenny Soh's.

That's where the order should stop.

That's where it should stop French.

This was last week or something?

This was Saturday.

Okay.

This was Saturday.

Yeah, yeah.

So,

and then we throw on a little noodle for the table.

Okay.

Me and a little fucking large child.

Oh, you're in a restaurant.

Large chow fun.

No, it was in our home.

In your house.

But you said for the table.

Yeah, yeah.

Then the table being

chicken wings.

Okay.

What's wrong with that?

Why not?

What's wrong with these chicken wings?

And then, of course, so we eat all that.

Followed up with two pints of Ben and Jerry's.

Yes.

Okay.

I went peanut butter core.

He goes fucking, hey, hey, Dana.

Hi.

Hey.

Whoa, hello.

How's it going, man?

I I don't know you, but nice to meet you.

Hey, Alex.

We're going to broadcast for

another 40 minutes.

No, it's fine.

No, it's okay.

I was just telling everyone a disgusting thing I put in.

Our friend Dana from Cometown West.

Adam.

Los Angeles Adams here.

LA Adam.

L.A.

Adam.

No, I'm Jamel, dude.

You're Dana.

You, of course.

I'm Jamel.

You're Dan.

You're out of your mind.

Oh, come on.

Anyway, had all that Chinese food, had a fucking, had two pints of Ben and Jerry's, and then 40 minutes later, we ordered two things of chicken tenders, an egg hero

with three eggs, tomatoes, mayonnaise, cheese, chicken tenders, and fries.

He had another pint, and I had a pack of Oreos and a thing of chocolate milk.

I'm so glad that you eat so much that I can just leave the room for

five minutes and he's like, oh, a pack of Oreos, Sejuan cheese, free pizzas.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, you're welcome, you motherfucker.

He literally ate up time.

Was it.

Are your poops.

Can I?

I don't want to get too graphic.

Go ahead.

Are your poops, are they like hard?

Are they soft?

No, they're nice and soft.

They're nice and soft.

You eat fruit?

You know what I mean?

I eat a lot of fiber in my diet.

You eat fiber?

He's probably eats such greasy shit that

falls nice and smooth.

It's either nice and smooth or it's a horror show.

If you eat a lot of fat, so that's like the best kind of, you take the best shit.

It slides right out of your ass.

Fiber is bullshit in my mind.

I mean, fiber is necessary.

Fiber plus fat.

Now you're talking about a nice shit.

Because

I would consume so much fucking bran in the morning, you know, just to shit.

You're a bran flake boy?

Yeah, just

stay regular.

I would put myself in.

I used to be an extra old cereal in my mom.

I just couldn't shit.

I would eat such high protein that I just wouldn't shit.

And I need to

blow my ass out with fucking bran.

You ever have a shit?

Where

you're sitting there for like 30 minutes.

Yes.

You know, and you're like, what the fuck is going on?

That's what this shit was like.

I shit consecutively for, I would, I'm not even kidding, 12 minutes probably.

Where it was like I would shit for like 30 seconds, take a little break, and just keep shitting.

Yes.

Because normally when I'm on the toilet, I like doing like a nice little ratio of 60% chilling, 40%.

You know what I mean?

Like to have a little phone time.

Spilling shit out of your ass.

Exactly.

60% chill, 40% spill.

Yeah, no, have you ever had one one of those shits where you're sitting there for 20 minutes?

You're like, I need to shit, but nothing's coming out.

Squatty pumps.

And then some sort of squatty bro.

No, then you have some sort of like, it's like a

continuous sausage.

It's like an eight-foot continuous sausage.

I love that when it curls.

And it curls.

Unbelievable.

One time I was on vacation with my parents in Malibu, and

that was like, it hurts so bad at first.

It hurts so bad.

You have to fucking break the seal.

How about when you shit so much, like some's coming out, sticking out of the water?

You know what I mean?

No.

When you shit that.

You don't really know that.

You completely fill up the toilet and the top is sticking out.

Jesus Christ.

That's never happening.

You call that

all those

Stav's turds.

All of Stav's turds look like little statues of Stav.

Oh, that would really be.

He actually shits out tiny Buddhists.

That's how my asshole is shaped by.

It's proportional to your proportions.

I would love to shit out a little me, dude.

It's just like a public restroom and people just hear like, nice, and like, oh yeah, coming from a stall, confused as to what's going on.

Some guy admiring his fucking

self-shaped turds.

I used to have like

a fear of going to public restrooms because I had this traumatic experience.

No,

you guys, I know what you're about to do.

I was going to say, I had a traumatic experience at a public restroom when I was a kid, and you're like, you guys were going to throw rapes.

We're not going to make fun of the time you were actually I wasn't actually interested in that.

We understand some things are off limit, like the time you sucked off four guys

when real things like that happened in Las Vegas.

Okay, I was at the

rodeo finals in Las Vegas.

That's what they called your ass, the rodeo finals.

They see how long it takes Adam to come on.

Basically, like four clowns would come in and fuck my ass

and time how long.

The clowns would fuck my ass so the cowboys could get ready to fuck my my ass

while the clowns were fucking my ass.

And then the bull would fuck my ass.

The clowns would fluff my ass.

The real cowboys would have fun.

Yeah, and that's how I met Steve.

So I was at the rodeo, and

then I had sex

and then I contracted HIV, and then I had to get this medication that wasn't legal yet in America.

I lost all this weight, and then I was going all around the world.

I started a buyers club.

No, no, no.

Okay, so what happened?

I was at the rodeo like finals with my family i needed a showdeo finals because my parents got like comp tickets or something my south african dad and i were waiting for you you guys are the lowest level of jews like those are your showbiz connections this is the rodeo that was a big deal dude for like for the economy it was the fucking final it was like the national finals the rodeo and i remember also i was like eight or nine and like they were just like beating the shit out of cows like little cows like the roping uh sport like that one is like it's really brutal.

It's like baby cows.

They're like just fucking

tying up and fucking up.

So what happened in this badge?

Yeah, we were like.

It's a rodeo.

I didn't know, dude.

I was just like a little kid.

I'd never seen someone do a cow cat, like calf beating up.

My friend Mindy used to, she was a caretaker for this guy with,

what's the one where you're like retarded, your body's fucked up, but you're not really careful.

Cerebral palsy.

Yeah, he had cerebral palsy.

Yeah.

And he loves professional bull riding.

So he had all this PBR gear.

Yeah, that's what we were at, the PBR.

And

people would come up and be like, damn, is that what happened to him?

It's like, yeah,

a bull fucked him up, and now his body is tiny.

He has a giant head and a tiny, fucked-up body

from the bull.

Because a horn went through his fucking spine.

It's always funny, those still images, those high-speed cameras that capture a horn going all like when it's at the apex of a man's asshole.

Oh, yeah.

Some Spanish piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think it's really funny?

When bullfighters and their dumbass sequin fucking uniforms get gored,

the end of bullfighting is like they have to fucking stab the bull to death.

Yeah, that's why it's funny when they get killed.

Didn't you see the one where the horn goes through the guy at the bottom of the guy's chin?

Oh, yeah,

comes out his fucking mouth.

Oh, that one sucks, dude.

Fuck.

That one's good.

I'm kind of pro-bulls fucking up those guys.

Yeah, but that one's pretty brutal.

Not because I care about the animals.

I also think it's funny that the bulls get stabbed to death.

I just also like that humans are hurt.

Especially Europeans.

Nick is just happy whenever death is occurring.

It's win-win.

Some Spanish piece of shit gets his face slit open by a dangerous animal, and then they poke it to death with elongated needles.

So, what happens in this fucking bathroom?

Oh, yeah, me and my dad were in this happy.

Me and my dad were in this long-ass line.

All these dudes are wearing like tight Wranglers.

Yeah.

And they were just chugging people.

And you can see their beautiful cocks.

No, just like everyone needed to piss so bad.

Adam was really into penis outlines.

He's a kid.

That was his thing.

He was just going through the business.

At first, it was really funny because these guys, like, they were wearing these tight jeans and they had to piss so bad.

So like every dude, when he'd like undo his jeans to piss, like at the urinal, there was just this collective like sigh.

Like all of them were like, oh, fuck yeah.

But then I had to shit.

So I, like, went into the toilet, and the toilet was just, like, it looked like Chernobyl or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was like, oh, it was like one of the, I got, like, terrified.

I got like chili dog splatters.

There was like, yeah, there was, like, just fucking, yeah, like, literally chili coming out of men's ass.

Like, all on the wall.

I don't even understand how that happened.

And it just, like, I got really scared and I like ran out of there.

And it, like, fucked me up for a couple of days.

That fucked you up seeing shit in a toilet bowl.

Fucked you up.

It was not in a toilet bowl.

It was literally in every corner of the fucking stall.

And that's why you couldn't use public restrooms?

It took like another couple of years for me to be like confident.

Dude, I thought you were.

I mean, I didn't think you were going to get molested, but I thought it was going to be like something.

I just got.

It was like terrible.

It was like, you know,

in fucking train spot.

It was like.

I love shitting in public restrooms.

Oh, now I'm back on it, dude.

Yeah, I kind of like it.

Me too.

Secretly.

I'm no secret.

No, I could shit in a nasty ass restroom now, but that fucked me up.

Sometimes I like the challenge

to squat, to not sit down.

When I lived in Austin, one of my favorite things

was get real high and go to the Hyatt on like 4th Street.

The nice hotel.

And then I would shit in their bathroom.

That's nice.

That is nice.

You would drive to a fucking hotel just when I was out and about, handling my business.

Okay, yeah.

Getting fucked up.

Yeah, getting fucked up.

Getting fucked up.

Drunk driving to the Hyatt.

And this is why why we are the leading podcast of the left.

On the left.

That's right, dude.

This is why we're the number.

Jeff Stein can try and take our position away from us.

Too bad, Jeff.

I saw a picture of what you look like.

Where the fuck is your bottom half of your jaw at, my guy?

He looks like

Mars attacks,

the guy that stands up and he's like,

Do the aliens have two sexes like we do?

Depstein wants to fuck aliens.

He's that guy from Mars Attacks that wants to fuck the aliens.

Would you put that in your next article about it?

Votus on that shit.

Yeah.

Harassed by podcasts that you're forced to listen to.

You know how a podcast is the kind of medium that

really sneaks up on you?

There is more steps than fucking listening to a goddamn podcast.

I like to imagine his high school bully that still keeps track of where he lives.

He's playing Cometown say anything style over a boombox outside his bedroom window.

Just let me go to sleep.

Yeah, his high school bully was like a cripple.

Yeah, probably.

His high school bully.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I mean, it is so embarrassing that that was written.

The quote where I said, Come Town is about being gay with your dad.

how do you not do that as a music?

The newsman wrote a news article.

Imagine you're just like a casual reader of Vox.

You're an adult.

You don't pay any attention to this shit.

Like a guy you put on your reading glasses.

Like, oh, Vox is like a website.

They're like, oh, I guess there's a problem with, you know.

Harassment of Vox.

Yeah, women.

Oh, are they being touched?

Yeah, right.

Did somebody get assaulted or something?

Oh, no.

There's just a podcast called Compound.

And they're friends with a guy that took a picture next to the Bill Cosmos.

Who made a joke we're too stupid to get?

Who made such a nothing of a joke?

An nothing.

God damn it, dude.

That shit is so funny.

What a dumbass world.

Yeah.

It is 2017 crazy.

Yeah, fuck.

That is crazy.

That is crazy that that happened.

At first, I was annoyed.

Now I'm at the point where I'm like, this is...

Why are you annoyed?

Who gives a fuck?

Adam's sick.

Adam's afraid of his former employee, Vox, coming for him.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Employee.

Maddie Glacey is going to fuck your ass up.

I worked there for two and a half months, and I was sad about a girl cucking me for a DJ the entire time.

I, like, instead of doing work, like, drafted, like, this is going to be the email.

Oh,

those are the worst emails.

Just two bugs of like, oh,

laying it all out.

You're working on it.

You're getting it to draft.

You're moving paragraphs up and down.

You're like, yeah, you're like, oh, oh, maybe this one goes better as an intro paragraph than you stand up and you walk around the room.

Imagine

an alternate universe where Adam keeps the job.

He never does our show, and he's at Vox writing, it's homophobic, the Chapo won't have me on.

To clarify, Chapo Trap House is anti-gay because they won't have me, Adam Friedland, on the show.

To clarify, me and my friend, Just Stein, who kiss and hug each other at work, and they can't fire us because it would be discrimination

Every every day we get a gay cake baked for us to prove.

No, to clarify, I never worked for Vox.com.

I never worked for that website.

To clarify,

I worked for, I was a paralegal for the company that owns Vox.

Oh, shit.

Weinstein.

No, they own, like, you know, SB Nation, like the sports,

multi-platform thing.

Yeah, fuck ESPN, by the way, for canceling Big Cat and PFT show.

Yeah, those are our boys.

That's fucking bullshit.

They got canceled immediately.

Immediately.

Because just because they're the guys on Barstool.

It wasn't them.

They were doing a good show.

It's because the president of Barstool.

Because ESPN is a bunch of fucking contracts.

They found that contract.

They found that contract.

First of all, fuck that contract.

They knew how fucked they were saying that.

They made a female employee sign a contract.

But she didn't sign it.

She redlined it.

But it said, you can't be offended by jokes if you work here.

A good idea.

In their contract.

You can't be offended.

I think it was like like basically.

I'm going to start making everybody sign contracts.

Put all sorts of shit on there.

Anyone I interact with, keep getting contracted.

Before this conversation

was like, they're making wave.

I want this.

They're making wave inside this thing so that they can be harassed.

You have to say that Hillary's a bitch.

Yeah.

And I can easily.

Or you're going to jail.

Say on camera you're not with her.

I want to hear you say it.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're doing video contracts.

Yeah.

That is a new kind of business I came up with.

Bar still just casting.

He's like casting videos.

Did you?

Yeah, yeah, you just want to blog?

In the ninja costume with the machete.

Yeah.

In the middle of the desert.

Yeah.

Oi, this is the video contract that

was that guy's name?

The Beatles?

Jimmy.

What?

The ISIS guy that would kill people.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The British Jim Hijani.

Yeah, they call him like Beatles Frankie or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They all got mob names in ISIS.

He was a rapper.

Jimmy Five Prayers.

They all have Toyota pickups with like sick, like

for like desert

pre-runner kits on the trucks.

The Toyota Hilux.

Yeah.

It's the vehicle of choice.

They love him.

Store a lot of fucking heads.

I mean, they did love them before Trump defeated them.

Entirely.

R.I.P.

to ISIS.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you, Trump.

So,

is this the correspondence dinner tomorrow night?

It is.

Who's even doing it?

Are they doing it?

I think so.

It's Dennis Miller.

It's Steven Crowder.

Well, it's Dan Ninan for sure.

Dude, apparently he bombed before Shane Bane.

Of course he did.

What do you mean?

Of course he bombed.

I re-watched the Shane Bane video, and that is still one of the funniest things I've ever done.

So we're going to go back on record as saying that's a good video.

I felt I owed it to Shane to at least watch the video again, and it fucking got me so far.

A little bit about myself.

My father's from India, and my mom is from Japan.

When he snaps the guy's neck,

I would actually go on tour with Andy Grove.

Dana, have you seen this?

This guy's Shane, who listens to the show.

I guess we can't really.

She's a woman.

I don't care about Miss Jennery anymore after the...

After being a pedophile.

Yeah, right.

After that came out.

Sorry, bud.

Is that how that works?

Anymore?

You don't have to go to jail, but you just get your pronouns taken away.

I'm going to be the one that says it.

That's the AF rules.

New rules.

New no-no.

I'm going to handle it the worst way possible.

Yeah, that's the worst thing you could have possibly had.

Offending everyone.

When that girl was getting mad at him, people are like, please stop misgendering.

Yeah.

She's like, I apologize.

Well, Sadie was like, of course, this is everybody that listens to the show.

It's a pedophile.

Everyone.

And then Noah Berlatsky was like, should we really be going after someone for being a pedophile?

Suspicious that he would say that?

I don't know if I don't know.

Who among the people?

I don't beat off the children, was what he said.

Verbatim.

Yeah.

Well,

you know.

Point is the Bane video is very funny.

I took a video of

Bane coming out to that auditorium in Dark Knight

and then dubbed over it with Dan Ninan stand-up.

But with

the stadium effect.

It was good.

So it's like Bane coming out.

He's like, a little bit about me.

My father's from India.

My mom's from Japan.

Yeah.

It's very good.

Oh, someone,

shout out to the cumboy that sent me, I still haven't showed you guys this, send me Ninan's pilot script.

Oh, yeah.

And it is, it is exactly

what you, I think we should do a dramatic read.

I think we should do a whole episode.

Legally,

are we good doing that?

Why?

What?

I don't know.

It's just words on a paper.

Yeah.

He doesn't have a fucking video contract for me.

That's right.

I don't even worry about shit.

Your Honor, where's the video?

You need to be.

I don't see a fucking video of me saying shit.

Therefore, I didn't break the law.

Nick is definitely going to get in trouble for somebody and be like, I'm representing myself.

Oh, 100%.

I can't wait to get it.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You know all the fucking research that fucking he would fucking love to do?

Bring up some old-ass fucking statute that was like only applied to sailors in the 1700s.

Yeah.

No, you just like read out those like weird laws.

Oh, in Plymouth, Massachusetts, you can't ride an office.

Yeah, I get all my information from those

snaps of the music.

No, what are those like brain games they used to have that came on those like bookmark-sized cars?

I forget what those were called, but if I knew the name of those things, boy, would that put a hell of a fucking reference?

Noodle.

People would have laughed and laughed at that.

Yeah, you would have to do it.

Noodle with noodle in it.

Noodle?

We don't have a video contract.

Right.

I say anything, and you're like, this is about ramen or no, like brain.

The way your brain

is a fucking synonym.

There's some kind of kids' smart game with noodle in the city.

Was there a way to eat this thing

you mentioned?

Yo, stew it as a

perhaps a carpool.

A noodle means brain.

It's a fucking game, dude.

I'm going to look this shit up.

Game noodle.

Said, what are you dressing up for Halloween?

I think I'm going to be Uma Thurman from Kill Bill.

Oh, that's cute.

Thanks, man.

Are you going to be with the wig?

Yeah, of course, dude.

Yeah.

Are you going to be with like latex body paint?

Nick, what are you going to be?

You don't dress up, right?

I'm going to be Steven Paddock's Chinese girlfriend.

She's Filipino, Nick.

Come on.

Try to say it's offensive.

You can't.

Because,

you know, she's sort of a criminal.

It's representation.

Yeah, I guess.

I don't know.

Are you going to...

Yeah.

You're not going to do face.

I don't do Filipino face.

Oh, thank you, by the way, to everyone that came out last night to Funny Moms.

Oh, yeah.

That was a fun show.

We missed Nick.

I'm sorry I missed him.

Still be back.

I was busy taking my free Uber ride for Midtown.

Oh, they give you a car?

You get a car back at night.

That's nice.

That's nice.

Yeah.

That's the one perk.

From the gay sex factory?

From the gay.

What?

That's where you're getting fired from.

What was I going to say?

What are we going to do for Halloween?

I don't know.

I heard about a couple things.

A couple things popping.

Yeah.

I remember the one time, the summer, the Halloween I was moving into my place.

That was the best Halloween.

That was the best party of all time.

And it was the most stressful day of my fucking life.

That was the best thing.

We had bed bugs.

I had to move all my shit.

I had to get all my shit out of Christina's, fumigate it.

We both fucked up that night.

Fumigate it, and then move it in.

It was fucking.

I cried like three times.

That was the best Halloween I've ever had.

God, everyone's like, I just went to this to that mansion in Fort Green.

Can we run that back?

A three-story mansion.

Why can't we run that back?

I don't have a mansion.

You got a mansion?

Whose party was it?

I don't even fucking know.

Someone, a friend of a friend in my life.

Let's get back in there.

We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out.

What else is in the news besides us?

In the actual news.

The actual news?

Oh, man.

No, we don't have to talk about the news.

I still can't

get over how fucking stupid that article is going to look in like a year.

It looks so stupid today.

It does, but

it's going to look really fucking stupid in the future.

It's going to look so stupid in a week.

Yeah.

Honestly.

We're going to bomb North Korea's.

It's going to be like, whatever when they printed Adam's joke about fucking his father.

Well, that's not a joke.

In your case, it's not a joke.

I mean,

the joke when we say it is.

Yeah, I know.

It's a bit.

sexy.

He's deflecting.

Yeah, okay.

We all.

Oh, guys, I was in a cab today,

and I was watching taxi cabs.

Shut up,

New York City, New York City cab in New York City, Manhattan.

And I was watching Taxicab TV, Steve Harvey's show clip from his talk show.

Can I tell you guys a joke that he told?

Yeah.

I'm going to do Steve's joke, okay?

Go ahead.

I'm trying to understand millennials

because I got three of them in my house and I want them out.

Very nice.

Laugh.

Then

if anyone knows millennials, they know they like three things.

Oh, yeah.

One

is they love food from the gas station.

Yo, I'm not even fucking around.

Royal Farm Shaking is my favorite shit.

All right, but yeah,

my favorite sandwich is from Hanks, that fucking gas

But he's right because this is.

He says that.

No, no, hold on, because you're shitting on Steve Harvey.

I'm not shitting.

I'm trying to tell you.

No, I mean, he's right.

If you think about it,

there was sort of a gas station food renaissance with

some sheets and wah wah and shit that you know is that millennial there's that one place in dc that used to not be like the last stroke or whatever oh yeah on the 14th this shit is good yeah yeah it's good okay but wait no fucking news from the new york times china unveiled its new leadership with Xi Jinping more powerful than ever.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, damn.

I'm sure that's the one.

Wait, is that

the two swords?

Wait, let me finish.

He's got Jade throwing stars now.

Yo,

they put the pinpoints.

They're going to do the fucking leader of China.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Go ahead.

Shin Shin.

Pin has always got to have two names that are the same.

Yeah, Ling Ling.

Like Ling Ling, Shin Shin, Bruce Bruce.

Always got that double name thing on it.

Very nicely done.

All right, all right.

Yes.

Millennials love three things.

Gas station food.

Food from the gas station.

Number two, athletic clothes.

Again, dude.

True.

He's on to something.

And number three,

all millennials love hot sauce.

Right?

This is the setup for the joke.

The punchline is:

if you're eating

food from the gas station

and hot sauce, you're going to need to wear athletic clothes

because you're going to have to go to the bathroom a lot.

Okay.

So, I just wanted to share that joke with you guys.

I remember there's a classic Steve Harvey bit where he's talking about the difference between young people and old people.

Yeah.

And I mean, that's just like that's old Steve's whole thing.

Yeah.

But he's talking about, like, remember back in the day, you just took a piss

and you're old, and now it's urine.

You got to be urinating.

I guess.

Well, it's weird because the premise behind

the millennials joke is that every time he sees one of them, it's like, oh, Steve, here comes another millennial here to take a diarrhea everywhere

from their gas station hot sauce.

Yeah, that's a good bit.

I don't get what you're trying to criticize.

Yeah, you're mad at him for being a better comic.

Yeah.

Have you written anything even close to that good in the last six months?

Your stand-up is all just fake stories about the subway.

It's not true.

Somebody misgendering you on the subway.

Steve writes classic observational about generations.

About generations, dude.

I do joke.

That's something for everybody in there.

You know, you're young.

I had a joke about young, you're pissing everywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

You're taking it.

You're pissing yourself, laughing at Steve Harvey.

You're old.

You're urinating.

Would you guys, we should go see Steve Harvey?

I would love to.

That would rock.

How does he get all that work done?

I'm like working with somebody that I guess said they worked with somebody on Steve Harvey's show right now.

The talk show?

Yeah, and sex menu.

They were like, yeah, there's a, they were, like, telling all these, like, uh, Steve Harvey, like, these secrets about Steve Harvey or whatever from the show.

Like, and people were like, what secrets or whatever?

And, like, apparently he's, like, really just weird to women.

And it's like, oh, yeah, he's terrible.

That's not a secret.

He sexually harasses every woman on Family Cube.

And he writes books about how you should be how to be a good husband.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And he's had like four

books on how to be a good wife.

Yeah, it's like how to be a good wife.

It's like how to, yeah, act like a lady, think like a man, or some shit like that.

Which they adapted into a movie, and the movie is about people that read the book.

It's really boring.

They're just quietly reading, going, hmm, that's really good.

Good book.

Think like a man.

Yeah, man.

But how does he get it all done?

Because he does radio every day.

He has the talk show every day.

He's doing Family Feud.

Then he's doing like those talent shows.

Like Steve Harvey wants you to learn how to

pull a tablecloth out from under.

I mean, Steve Harvey's Big Break.

I think that went off the air 15 years ago.

I think that might still be on.

It was on.

Or he does one with kids now or something.

Yeah, he just stole Kids Say the Darnest Thing.

Yeah, he has like an Out with Kids show, but it's like on a stage.

I don't think it's like interconnected.

He's definitely, I mean, he's probably like.

How's he getting it all done?

How much money do you think?

I don't think so.

No?

No, I think he's just like an old, like,

confused man.

Yeah.

He's a lot older than people think he is.

And he owns a suit company, too.

Oh.

Damn.

I do want one of them suits, dude.

I almost bought a purple shot.

I'd like to do like a promo pic.

If we ever do promo picks for the podcast of us wearing like 12-button

eggplant.

I got a fucking eggplant for you, pal.

King of comedy.

What?

More like a smeg plant.

Right?

It's the plant where they make all the smag.

Yeah, smagma.

Yeah.

Whatever.

In the pun zone.

Yeah, the pun zone.

I'm glad I'm fucking skinned up.

You guys are chopped off.

Yeah.

I got more dick if you think about it.

I forgot.

I would say Blade Runner and they keep calling him a skin job.

That's what they call the replicants or whatever.

But it just, in my head, the first thing I think is like, oh, yeah, the guy's got a foreskin.

A skin job sounds like a surgery to reattach for your skin job.

It's a dystopian fusion.

We know that fake foreskins.

Where everyone's Jewish.

That's a real surgery, by the way.

To reattach?

Yeah.

Have you looked into it?

I looked into it.

Yeah.

But they said, the problem is they said you need to have like an asshole still for them to remove to put on the turtle.

Oh, that's not true.

And Adam's ass is well actually that's one of the problems the other problem is the other problem is you have to have at least one inch of penis yeah and there wasn't enough penis there to graft on I showed the doctor he's like listen you're almost there but you're not quite a weapon so sorry I was like I can get it hard dude and he's like that's not there was I remember watching you surgery on your heart

that's one of the rules of medicine no surgery on a hard dick

dude let me get it hard please

doc doc give me a chance I remember watching some like show about it's like,

it was like, I think on the BBC, it was like embarrassing people with fucked up bodies.

It's like that Mitchell and Webb look sketch about the boy with an ass for a face.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They're like, pretend that you care about these people while you just gawk at them.

But there's, yeah, the embarrassing bodies.

And they had one, it was a guy with a micro-penis.

And he was married, and he was like, I'm trying to get the surgery so I can finally have sex with my wife.

He's just never had sex.

Jesus.

Because he suffered from what's called called hidden penis syndrome.

Which I go into the body.

Yeah, it's like if you're not.

You're not even going to bother coming up with a name for it in Latin.

Just don't have a name for it.

He fucked up a little dick disorder.

He didn't do any Latin thing.

Right, exactly.

Yeah.

Like, check your fucking dictionary.

So his dick would.

What if he was?

It just retracted?

Yeah, he had like a belly button.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, dude.

Yeah, and his dick was hiding in there like a funnel spider.

Oh, no.

He's never fucked in his life.

Never fucked.

And so they go to do the surgery and they put him under.

And then the next scene is them bringing him out of surgery.

And he's like, oh,

like, where am I?

You know, they're like, yeah, like, your blood pressure or something was fucked up, so we just can't do the surgery.

So you're going to be stuck with the penis strawberry.

We actually cut you.

And he just sits there crying.

And they're like, on the next episode of Embarrassing Lives.

Here's how it ends.

Holy shit.

shit.

That's so funny.

You think that guy uses a strap-on or something to fuck his wife?

No, I think he's just divorced now.

Probably.

Damn.

Can you even beat off?

What do you just put your finger in the little hole that your dick is in?

Yeah, she sticks her clit in the hole.

Yeah, she fucks his dick with her clit.

She had a huge clit.

She had like a Joni Lawler-size clit.

R.I.P.

R.I.P.

It's too soon.

Her body's not even cold, yeah.

Her body's barely cold, man.

You met X-Pac, right?

I did.

Yeah, we talked about this.

We We made this exact same joke one episode ago.

Like, probably earlier in this episode.

No, no, no, it was one episode ago.

I remember.

Yeah.

What was it?

You were professional.

Sorry.

I called Josh Shannon.

Oh, that's what you are.

What were you going to say?

I had nothing to say.

You had nothing to say?

I really wanted to tell you guys that Steve Harvey joke I heard today.

No, that was good.

I remember one time when I went to go see if I, because

we've discussed how my foreskin is too tight.

And

I had a doctor basically jerk off my software.

It was fucked up.

Yeah, yeah.

He like pulled back the skin.

Well, here's the thing: I was seeing.

Saf suffers from almost hidden penis.

He does borderline hidden penis.

You understand, hidden penis is a spectrum.

So he's got like the Asperger's of hidden penis.

He's got chronic hidden penis.

Yeah, right.

My dick just has trouble making eye contact sometimes.

It's not that he can't fuck, it's that he can only fuck model trains in vacuums.

I've never put my penis in a vacuum

inside in a vacuum.

I think once when I was like 11.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I almost did.

Only because

Doofy does.

Hey, that's what I was going to say.

After Doofy, I did some exploring, but I got too scared at the power of the vacuum.

No, I was afraid it would suck my dick off.

Oh, if that fake retarded man likes it.

Imagine trying to write that character now.

I know.

I was just talking to someone about this shit.

He's just like.

Jeff, Jeff, get out of my room.

Jeff is a retarded guy with a boner.

There's no room for scary movie on the left.

Prominent leftist movie, scary movie.

Features a mentally retarded man who sticks his penis in a vacuum cleaner.

There's no room for scary movie.

I love that the Wayne's Brothers character is just a gay guy who, the way he fixes it is making his girlfriend dress like a girl.

He's like a football player.

Yeah, yeah.

So he can fuck her.

Dude, the world used to be so much funnier.

That was a great movie, dude.

Yeah.

All of them were fucking hilarious.

That was a scary movie 4.

That was like deep into them.

Where,

what is it?

He died right after making it.

Leslie Nielsen?

Nielsen, yeah.

He was in Scary Movie 4.

I think so, yeah.

Was you thinking of the superhero one?

No, it was either him or Lloyd Bridges or one of those old guys that used to be a serious actor that transitioned into just doing like parody movies.

Yeah, he's just falling over and hurting his penis.

His character like runs over aliens in the movie, and

then he just goes,

you know, it's like the alien's like dead on the ground, and he's like, hopefully we don't have to settle this through insurance.

And he just puts like $40.

Which is like...

Probably the funniest amount of money that you could offer somebody for running over them with your car.

Because it's like enough money that it's not so obvious of like a fuck you, but

it's sort of a significant amount.

Yeah, but you just like it's not going to cover anything.

Yeah, yeah.

It's so funny, and it's such a dumb throwaway joke.

I remember that just making me laugh.

I was a huge Leslie Nielsen fan.

All the

Naked Guns.

I don't know if I've told this story, but like the first time I

was throwing that movie onto Netflix and Chill.

Yeah, you know, which was fucking the Naked Guns.

What was that, Netflix and Chill?

Uh-huh.

Explain it to me.

So, anyway, did Brandon come up with that?

Yeah, it's a brand new one.

It's a brand new delta.

He did Netflix and Chill.

Yep.

Imagine someone having a nervous breakdown.

I'm the inventor of Netflix.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, there is some woman who's like, I came up with on Fleek, and it's on her Twitter bio, and she's got a bunch of people.

That's embarrassing.

Oh, yeah, the black lady with the eyebrows.

Yes.

Yeah.

And

she says it's a good thing.

She's got a pilot with Comedy Central.

No, you know what?

I kind of feel like she should get something for it.

It's pretty cool to come up with a thing.

Excuse me, I don't know words, and it accidentally became a thing.

Huh?

She thought it was a word, and she just said it.

She gets some credit.

They gave her the barstool slot on ESPN.

Yeah, I remember that I used to see on Twitter the woman whose son was a meme.

I don't want to blow up her son.

Oh, the baby, the little brother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And her whole thing is like mother of

the baby from a meme or whatever.

It's like that's humanity.

That's your thing?

Is exploiting your son for fortune?

The captain from Vine was very funny, though.

The little white kid.

Yeah, I don't know what he was about.

He was just,

why did they meme him so much?

Why would you want your child on the internet that much?

I feel like all those kids are going to be fucked up.

Of course, it's fucked to fucking be on the bus.

David, after dentist, is a heroin addict.

Do you see this?

He was a heroin addict already.

Already, yeah.

They're making fun of this kid on Smack.

Yeah.

The dentist is what they would call it when his dad put his dentist on.

Because he paid it by taking his gold teeth out.

Yeah.

Get him on heroin.

Oh, I got a cavity, poor guy.

What you going to say to his son?

I.

Have you guys ever fucking had, like, coming out of some shit like that?

Like, taking those

risky gigs pulled out.

I remember one time I.

Surgery to try and fix, when I was pissing too much, they poked something in my dick,

and

I came out of that.

Is it a magnifying glass?

No, yeah, it was a whole magnifying glass.

Electronic microscope, it was a giant.

No, no, you said my magnifying glass, and yes, magnifying glass was in my dick because my dick is big.

You've had something stuck in your dick?

I don't know.

There was like some kind of like thing in the blockage of my dick tubes somewhere, and they like put they stuck something in my dick to try and unblock it.

And I would, they put me under the dick.

Yep, there's a Skittle computer.

I thought maybe an MM, but I figured that would have melted.

So, as suspected, it was in fact a Skittle.

I would barely even be if it was like a nerd.

I don't know how many times we have to tell you this, Mr.

Alceus.

You can't eat candy through your penis.

So, is this going to be covered by insurance?

Or, well, no, because we warned you and you did it anyways.

Oh, fuck.

Anyway, yeah, so I was trying to eat candy.

I put a whole Twizzler in my cock and it got stuck and they had to unblock it.

And you forgot about it.

And you're like, I don't know why I can't block it.

I'm trying this new diet I'm starting my life over.

It's called Shove Candy in Your Dick instead of eating it.

Suck, this is going to turn it all around.

It's putting candy in my dick.

But yeah, I came out of that and I was fucking acting weird as shit, dude.

I was talking about fucking the nurses and shit.

My friend Josh was there.

I was embarrassed.

Wait, hold on.

How were you acting weird?

Because I understand how this is abnormal behavior for you to

be extremely sexually explicit towards any woman.

It was rude.

I'm not rude.

I don't say it to their face.

I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy.

At the same time.

It's like through your throat and through your asshole.

He got

DP'd.

I got double penetrated.

They're like, normally we can't do both, but it looks like this procedure is going to be a good thing.

Well, what happens is when something goes in Adam's ass, automatically his mouth goes open.

They put me under it, and I can't.

They call it the Friedland reflex.

And my dad was there, and I.

Yeah, that was what was in your mouth.

Your father's penis.

I remember I was naked, and my penis was just out, like, on the table.

That's hilarious.

And my dad walks in.

I was like, I was like, dad, you see my dick?

I was like, can you, my dicks?

And he was like, you got it together.

It was like not amused.

Anyway, so a couple months later, I'm walking to class and I get a call from my parents.

And they're like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I'm walking to class.

They're like, go to the doctor, go to the hospital right now and get an HIV and hepatitis BNC test.

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

On the front page of the news in Vegas, this Adam Friedland has AIDS.

breaking news

Las Vegas New York Times reports

the place I went to

what

they was there was like an outbreak they were reusing needles and shit and then there was like a there was a hepatitis C outbreak I love that your parents said they're like oh our friend has a hospital and they're like you know we could save money if we just use this

it was a it was an Indian doctor he got the the fucking shit suit out of him.

Hell yeah, dude.

My boy Sanjay, dude, copping them nickels and dimes.

He got the shit suit out of him, and I didn't get the needle.

Get the fuck out of here.

You just use the same needle.

It's okay, it's clean.

You know, it's good.

Just

take a lighter, and

it'll sterilize it.

Yeah,

I got my wisdom teeth taken out, and I was all fucked up when I came out.

And the nurses were like, yeah, just try to eat soft things like jello or whatever.

And I was like, oh,

jell-o,

because you put the pudding in that

piece of shit, you know, and I just couldn't.

And then you put something in their drink and stuff.

Yeah, well, yeah, this is before all that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, I was just making myself laugh with this horrible Bill Cosby impression.

And, like, no one was amused.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But I'm glad that's my instinct.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coming out of

medically induced death is to just do impressions.

I I got my tonsils out when I was a kid.

They put me under too.

In South Africa when I was living there.

Oh, shit.

Went down under, baby.

Yeah, I went down under, got the tonsils out.

And then, like,

the first time you try to talk after you come out, you just, it hurts.

Like, it's like knives in your throat.

You get a Vegemite sandwich.

You start crying.

And then, like, when you're a little kid, I start crying.

And I couldn't, like, stop crying because, like, I'd make a sound from crying, but then it would hurt more, so I'd want to cry more.

I just remember it being the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced.

Worse than the rape in the rodeo.

Worse than the rodeo

rape when I started the Dallas Bodhisattva.

Yeah, if you could stay in Adam's ass for seven seconds without bussing,

they give you the hat.

My asshole is.

That's what they compete for at the rodeo.

They call my asshole the Bucking Bronco.

Very nice.

And that is why we're the leading podcast.

You already said that.

Shut up, bitch.

What's the callback?

You've been waiting to say that.

You thought that was going to be such a cool thing to say on the show.

Oh, fuck.

I found Nick's list of cool things to say.

Yeah.

You plan to do it.

Dude, we all fuck.

So, Bobby, Dana knows my friend Bobby.

Bobby told me this story about it.

He had this roommate one time that sucked.

And I wish I could remember all the details because the whole story was so funny.

But he had this roommate that he fucking didn't like, and he went through the guy's shit one time, or the guy was moving out, and he found this guy's journal, and in the journal, he had like a list of things written down that Bobby had said.

But then the list was titled Cool Things to Say.

He was like repeating things that he had said, but he had saved it in list format.

Like, say this, this sounds cool.

Oh, no, dude.

That's brutal.

Yeah, I know.

It's like if Adam kept a journal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Adam just has a better memory than that guy.

Yeah,

I have a beautiful mind.

It's true.

Thanks, Stop.

No problem, dude.

Man, that's really humiliating.

I told the story about my old roommate, John, on the podcast before.

That was the weirdest roommate I ever had.

That guy was funny.

Yeah, he rules.

I fucking...

You know what I had for dinner today, guys?

What?

Didn't you already describe that when I was answering

on saturday now we got sunday monday today was a healthy dinner dude your boy had fucking chicken thighs but i had him i fucking i fucking uh uh marinated them for out for two days in chocolate yeah

i melted down some hers kisses

dude some fucking chicken some fucking squash fries that's my new shit i cut up squash like fries and i put them in the oven this is gonna turn it all around.

Yeah, and some fucking

Brussels.

Yeah, I guess the key to weight loss isn't, you know, limiting what you eat.

It's eating a shit ton of food from the produce section.

Yeah, it is, bitch.

And then pairing it with.

Well, it's not, obviously.

It's not working.

Butters, olive oils.

Yeah, I did use a nice amount of olive oil.

It's an entire stick of all-natural butter.

Yes.

Part of my new weight loss journey.

Yeah.

Where I continue to talk lovingly about the thing that's destroyed my life.

It's all I have, man.

I'm quitting heroin by

using clean needles and just getting the best possible thing.

That is kind of what they do with heroin, by the way.

You go from heroin to the other shit.

Was that your

methadone?

No, they put you on Suboxin, which just makes you not respond to opiates or some shit.

Damn, do they have that for food?

No.

I want that.

I'm a fucking prisoner, dude.

I love food so much.

What's the drug they give you if you're fucking drunk that if you like drink while taking it, it just makes you feel like.

Oh, what is that?

Yeah.

It's like

Annabinol or Anabinolol.

I was watching a John Wayne movie recently, and he made some old country version of that for Dean Martin.

Dean Martin, every time he tried, he was drunk.

Every time he tried to drink, he'd throw it.

Well, Pilgrim.

Doesn't he only say Pilgrim in one movie?

And that's like

his go-to thing.

He does an impression of him.

They do the whole Pilgrim.

Well, Pilgrim.

Well, Pilgrim.

Yeah.

He played the Chinese guy.

I think we talked about that.

Which movie?

Or was that Charlton Heston?

Heston played the Chinese guy.

I'm sure.

That was one of our early bits.

Just Chinese Charlton.

I love that one.

They loved it.

Yeah.

Me.

Soaky, Sookie.

What other

old

actors

did Asians?

What's that?

You know, this could be a real audio.

All those Charlie Chan movies with, what's his name?

We should watch the Jackie Chan movie.

The new one?

This weekend.

Let's go see.

I'm about to get movie passed, dude.

Let's see the foreigner.

If your dicks are big, we'll see the foreigner.

I've already told you I was six weeks ago.

I pitched it for last week.

If I recall correctly, I apprised both of you to the new Jackie Chan movie situation.

And I pitched it as an activity last weekend, and we didn't do it.

You said, no, let's go for a bike ride.

And then I got sick.

You still riding that bike stop?

Yeah, I'm still riding it.

We got to do the podcast this weekend, too.

Yeah, I guess Gerby has harassed us into.

Who is Gerby?

She's a girl in Portland.

Yeah, she's just some Twitter person.

Does she really do the show?

Fuck, dude.

Now, if everyone asks, we have to let them do it.

No, she's a little bit more.

No, no.

They have to have mental illness and be really fucking annoying about it.

If you want to get on this show, you really got to fucking.

Do you understand what you've just done to yourself?

You really just got to fucking.

That's really limiting.

Ask me relentlessly for months and months on end and then do a GoFundMe to come out here.

It wasn't a GoFundMe.

She did a telethon on.

Whatever happened to telethons, dude?

Dude, I was actually, I watched it.

They cured all the retarded kids.

They don't need any more money for retarded kids.

They solved it.

Jerry Lewis did it.

Jerry Lewis doesn't need a front.

Jerry Lewis just died because the last kid.

Hi, I'm Jerry Lewis, and you know me from pretending to be retarded is comedy for years.

Anyhow, there's real retards that need money.

And if you call in now, we'll give you a tote bag that you can fill with helmets or

soft things for them to touch.

Maybe a carpet sample.

You know,

the end of a beautiful woman's hair.

A farmer's daughter, perhaps, or a puppy dog.

Oh, fuck.

I haven't petted a puppy in a while.

I told my grandma one time, she was watching like the 1936 version of

Mice and Men.

Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, you know, when Steinbeck wrote the book, it was actually supposed to be like a warning about the dangers of the mentally retarded.

At the time, people were really starting to come around about people with intellectual disabilities as it not being, you know, a curse from God and,

you know, a sort of

an in limbo for souls on their way to hell, which was contemporary medical thought up until the publication of the book.

And Steinbeck was opposed to that.

And my grandma's like, oh,

yeah, yeah.

I always wanted to, I couldn't ever find a good picture of Steinbeck next to a typewriter, but I want to like just Steinbeck and a typewriter and then a stack of papers for his first draft manuscript for his new book, The Dangerous Retar.

Oh, yeah.

Of Mice and Men.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that was the working title was

The Dangerous Retar.

Lenny, dude.

That shit was sad when Lenny died, dude.

Yeah.

Cap his ass.

George H.

Crowd.

Yeah, I did, actually.

I had to, dude.

It was like old yeller, but for people.

Why?

Because he accidentally killed that lady.

Who cares?

Fuck her.

Yeah.

More like bold yeller.

You know what I mean?

Who's the guy in Myson Men where he like

to touch that woman's hair?

Was that the one where the guy had his hand in a glove?

Because he wanted it to be pretty for a girl?

Yeah, he wanted to have a beautiful hand.

He wanted to keep his fingering hands clean.

Yeah.

It was like a lotion.

He put like lotion.

Imagine getting fingered in like the 30s, how dusty everyone's hands were and shit.

Yeah.

Dust bowl fingering was impossible.

Back in Oklahoma in the 1930s.

Yeah, no good finger.

All the

how gunky every pussy was.

No, they went to California.

They're in California the whole time.

The Dust Bowl was, I thought, in the South, and then they went to California.

It's Steinbeck.

It takes place in California.

I thought that they went to California to.

All of Steinbeck's shit is California.

Okay.

All of it?

Yeah.

But they weren't in the Dust Bowl

of Mice and Men.

Grafes of Brass.

Of Mice and Men.

We're talking about the Dust Bowl.

And I said the Dust Bowl like a fucking idiot, number one.

In the Dust Bowl, the only thing we know for sure is wrong.

It's borderline Midwest.

Yeah, actually,

thank you, Day Ron.

Hold on, Day Know is Abbott.

And we're all the best, bitch.

I would get a little bit more respect for you.

First of all, the Dust Bowl is what Adam eats out of the breakfast.

Thank you.

Because he's above.

All right, all right.

But he stops.

I'm above.

If you want the real answer.

That was good.

Good recovery, Nick, from my smart.

You were not smart, bitch.

You didn't know shit in this conversation.

Why don't you put your tiny million arms back in your pockets?

Stop Googling because you're not going to get an answer.

The Dust Bowl was in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, and New Mexico.

It doesn't sound right to me.

Everyone, I didn't say the Dust Bowl wasn't.

I just said that they're in California.

Texas is barely the South.

I know they're in California.

The South is like Kentucky and fucking.

Wait, is it Grapes or Raptors and Salinas?

I thought.

It is.

Suck penis.

They were in Oklahoma and then they

migrate to California.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm thinking of East of Eden starts in Salinas.

That is.

East of Eden is.

Yeah.

What's the he wrote the book while he was writing East of Eden?

The

portrait of the art.

No, that's no, that's Joyce.

Oh, I don't want to snub.

Anyway, Dana, thank you anymore.

Confirming all of my shit.

You were wrong, bitch.

I wasn't wrong.

Texas isn't the south.

It's its own shit.

Yeah, actually, that is.

Texas is not the south.

It's its own shit, bitch.

All right, that's fine.

That's part of Mexico.

That's the southwest.

That's what I say to respect my mestizo brothers and sisters that listen to the show.

If I got any Zach De La Rocas out there that are listening

to Come Town, you know that I'm with you and saying that Texas, excuse me, you mean Mexico?

Thank you, Sucker.

Hell yeah.

California.

They call

it the verbal, the verbal banksy, Zach De La Roca coming through with some knowledge for your ass.

You were a big fan, weren't you?

I still like Raging Answer.

Suck my dick, bum, bum, bum.

Suck my dick.

Killing in the name.

Still get pizza.

The same to Maria.

Yep.

Guess who's having a birthday party down at Cece's Pizza.

That's a good one.

Classic lyrics.

My birthday by Rage Against the Machine.

The happy birthday.

So raise your fists and march around.

Just don't take what you need.

Can I get some quarters so I can play Need for Speed?

It's my Cece's Pizza birthday party, and I'm Zach De La Roca.

Afterwards, we're going to Starbucks so I can get a Frappuccino momentum.

Hey,

wow.

Damn, go off, dude.

You're blowing right now.

Wow.

Someone lay a beat down for Nick.

You know, for some reason, I've never been a big fan of rap, but now that Nick said that rap, I think I might be coming around.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, Keith Oberman is my biggest fan.

Keith Oberman.

Damn, Donald Trump, why don't you drink pee-pee?

And listen to me, me.

Often, that's what Eminem stands for: me, me, just like you and your ego.

You can go fuck yourself.

We all agree that was bad, right?

I don't even listen to it.

It looks horrible.

No, the Eminem thing.

Yeah, of course.

You listen to it.

I could not get through the first 30 seconds.

The awfully hot coffee pot.

Yeah.

It's brutal.

Stick it on Donald Trump.

Yeah, man.

It was pretty cool.

Like, go back to

talking about Christine Agatha.

Go back to Africa, Eminem.

Get your fucking ass back to Africa.

Yeah.

What's up with your mom and mom?

I got to go to fucking sleep.

So we got to end this.

Yeah, it's 12.30 a.m.

I want to say what up to Dana, my old friend.

Yeah.

Good afternoon.

Thanks, guys.

Yes.

Thanks to the listeners, too.

Thank you.

Thank you, Adam.

Good night.

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