Ep. 74 – Happy Halloween

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Tonight, Access Hollywood

is Arby Weinstein's victims.

Are they all women?

Let's hear from a man.

Adam Friedland.

Who was sucked off by Hollywood's sexiest producer?

Well, I was invited to a party in the hills.

He's lying.

And there are a bunch of guys that were hairless.

It's not Entertainment Tonight.

It's Access Hollywood.

No, it's Entertainment Tonight.

I don't know.

Isn't that the same show?

It is.

One has Mario Lopez and one has two old white people.

What happened to Mario Lopez's underwear line?

Did he have one?

He had his own underwear line that I remember him announcing on The View.

Ooh.

And

I was, you know, I remember when I was a young man.

And I was, you know, struggling in comedy, and I fantasized about a time where I would have enough money in this business to live in nothing but Mario Lopez clothing, Mario Lopez clothing,

branded bikini briefs, consuming nothing but Mark Wahlberg's bodybuilding line of supplements

that he created himself using the power of Southe racism

and positive visualization.

The retina good instincts about who's a terrorist and who isn't.

The secret ingredient is the retinas of Vietnamese men, grounded up and powdered.

Right.

If you drink it while wearing a turban, it'll actually make your head explode.

It'll make so much blood rush to your head that your fucking

brain pops open.

You know, Mario Lopez's underwear makes your cock shiny, too.

Probably.

I feel like it makes your cock shiny and just fucking.

It's high cut, too, I feel like.

I feel like your thigh bones.

My bones has hair plugs in his pube area.

He has

one of the bikini wax landing strip style.

Very nice.

But still curly.

Yeah.

He always wears like one of those cock rings that goes around your dick and your balls.

And your balls, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Like a fire-pink colored one.

That's like a bondage thing, right?

Does that help you get hard or what?

You know what I like to think about?

Imagine how much AC Slater would fucking hate Mario Lopez.

Oh.

AC Slater would not fucking hit.

A.C.

Slater, military brat, wrestler, jock.

Yeah.

He fucked.

Was he fucking the black girl?

But he was nicer to the nerds.

Or was Screech fucking black girl?

Mario Lopez, the guy that got jacked by punching his way out of the closet.

He put those, like, you know, when baseball players have the little rings around the bats?

Yeah.

He would put those around the guy's cocks he jerked off until he got strong.

Swinging three dicks at once.

He's on dick.

He's on dick.

Lopez, you're in the hole.

That was an ace bit.

You think he fucked?

You think he's gay?

Is he gay?

I don't think he's ever had sex.

Oh, A man that beautiful?

Yeah.

That's a waste of a body.

I don't know.

That's a waste of a glistening body.

My theory about Mario Lopez is you've never seen him when he's not smiling, and I'm sure he's a very ugly, sad person.

Oh, interesting.

I bet you looks cute.

Some people, you think that they're attractive just because they're smiling all the time.

Mm-hmm.

Me included.

I know.

There's no smiley energy of people.

Mandy Moore.

She smiles.

She always smiles.

Always smile.

I bet she looks like absolute

shit.

I'll tell you something.

You give that bitch a paper cut.

We'll see what she looks like.

You know what we just discovered?

We just discovered like hack street harassment.

Like men telling women to smile.

Yeah.

Look, I'm not trying to fuck with you, but

it would help.

I know the kind of people that live in Soho, lady.

You're trying to be a fucking actress.

I mean, good luck on your audition.

I think Mandy Moore's a choreographer now.

I think she did La La Land, apparently.

She is?

I think so.

Or that's another woman named Mandy Moore, but what are the odds?

Yeah.

What were your micro ranks?

Darren's Dance Grooves.

He might have done the choreography.

Do you remember the guy that did the choreography for InSync and Backstreet Boys and all those?

The guy that raped them?

He had an infomercial out called Darren's Dance Grooves, where he would teach you how to do all the dances.

Oh, I don't remember those he made.

It wasn't actually a product.

He just bought that hour of television to teach people how to dance.

Yeah, he believed in.

Remember, this is 100% free.

I'm not selling anything.

Call right now.

Please talk to me.

Talk to me off the ledge.

In 20 minutes, we're going to be talking with one of the boys I mentored, and we're going to see exactly how the process works.

But we have a limited time only, folks.

Please continue watching.

Watch me dance.

Darius Espears.

Okay.

So, Mandy Moore, I think, what were your power ranks?

It was Britney Spears, Christine Aguilera, and then Mandy Moore.

You know, did she ever crack the top for you guys?

Was there ever a time where...

Like, in terms of who you wanted to fuck?

In general, dude.

Sexually.

All I know about me.

Wasn't she in that movie Saved?

That was actually pretty funny.

That was pretty good.

That was a good movie.

She's a good actress.

She's wholesome.

One of the things that

she's Christopher Girls, it was ever good.

It's true.

Save, Drop Dead, Gorgeous, and Mean Girls.

Mean Girls Rock.

Drop Dead Gorgeous was just a Christopher Guest movie, though.

I've never seen Drop Dead Gorgeous.

It's a Christopher Guest movie.

It's really...

Yeah.

Is it like about pageants?

It's about pageants.

Nice.

You see that?

That's called context clues.

The working title was Breasts and Show.

Parker Posey,

that was

one of my early crushes.

Nice.

She looked good.

Elaine and Parker Posey, dude.

You're really going out on the limb.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Hot women.

Kelly Bundy.

Yeah, Kelly Bundy, absolutely.

Kelly Bundy, maybe my first crush.

And Mona Lisa Vito

from

My Cousin Vitney.

Oh, fuck.

When she's in that one piece, that floral

Seinfeld episode where George has a shot at Marissa Dome.

Oh, hell yeah.

That, for me, was like

the miracle on ice, the 1980 Olympics.

Just rooting for George.

Get all up in those guts, George.

If you can do it, we can do it, man.

And then, like always, he let me down.

You don't get to be George, bitch.

I'm George.

Yeah.

Were you bald as a baby?

Yeah, I always had very curly as a little boy.

Yeah.

I always had thin hair.

And that's when I always said to myself, I'm not going bald.

I was like, no, my hair's always been thin.

It was like angel hair possibly.

That's who I am in the story.

You are putty.

Yeah, you've got to.

I'm putty.

From Adams or Elaine.

No, because I want to fuck Elaine.

Yeah.

Well, you kind of do want to fuck.

No, you're not cute enough to fuck.

All right, man.

Stop is George slash Newman.

No, I'm just George.

No, you're Newman.

No, there's another fat guy that's Newman.

I'm the good fat guy.

What was Newman's deal?

He loved loved the mail.

Yeah, he was a

hated Jerry.

He was a letter carrier.

He was a good character.

And I think he fucked Kramer's mom.

I think that was a subplot.

And he got eaten by a dinosaur while he was taking shit.

Yep.

That's that season Larry David left, and it got really weird.

Yeah, that's what he went.

Jeff Goldblum.

Yeah.

So, okay, so that's we've covered.

You wanted to fuck Britney Spears at number one?

I had a man.

I was like, I'm going to go I jacked off to some.

There was some picture in Trans World Skateboarding of Britney Spears?

Of Britney Spears.

It might have been her album cover, actually.

That was a good one.

The first one?

Where she's like squatting.

No, the first one

she's in

the schoolgirl outfit.

Yeah, but she's like sitting down.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Cross-legged.

I jacked off to that when I was like 10.

I jacked off to that.

I jacked off to all her videos.

The red leather jumped off.

I went off to everything in Trans World Skateboarding.

Yeah.

Just the trucks.

Yeah.

Pictures of the little world industries guy.

The little flame and the little flame guy.

Yeah.

The drip of water.

I thought it was for trans people.

Of course.

You were trying to be an ally

by beating off to everything in this magazine.

I was beating a trans world skateboarder.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean,

there was the video where she's like on a cliff, and it's like,

and it's supposed to be like a touching, but her abs are looking mighty good.

You jerked off to her abs.

Bro, when you're under 13, you're beating off to every part of a woman.

The first single was jerked up.

She fused every part of Buffalo, my man.

Baby beat off to every part of Buffalo.

True.

The first single, Baby One More Time, Give Me Baby One More Time.

The second one was Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I Hide.

And then in between the two videos,

she got double D fakes.

Did she?

Yeah.

She showed up at that second video wearing a white crop-top mock turtle short sleeve.

That's a nice one.

And she had the music.

She had no titties in the first one.

And then she had enormous titties on the titties on La Dao.

And

that was a very pivotal moment in my life.

You know what?

It's

a little bit spoiled, but double Ds,

not enough.

I'm serious.

Not enough.

What about Julia Vince, dude?

She doesn't have double D's.

I know.

She doesn't have any tits at all.

She looks terrible.

Her whole body is disgusting.

But she has eyes of a baby.

Only because she's like a deformed Chernobyl mutant.

He wants to fuck a weirdo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I listen.

I always listen.

No, you're always listening.

But I thought you liked that.

You're not serious about double D stock being big enough.

And more.

Yeah, you got to have huge ass too.

I mean, I'm not saying you should be against the law, but like,

you know, I mean, it should be against the culture.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Legally, you should be able to walk the streets.

Yeah, you know,

do whatever you want.

You shouldn't be accosted by the human being.

In the privacy of your own home.

Right, right.

What two consenting little tittied adults want to do in the privacy of their own home.

I like to go up to women who are breastfeeding when they got, like, you know, their

fully packed bags, you know.

And I go up to them and I say, you better keep them like that.

You know?

Or else.

And they think I'm talking about the kid.

You know?

Keep it cute.

And she's like, they grow up so fast.

I'm like, no, they get smaller after you're done.

They fucking deflate and get saggy.

And then the smile slowly fades from her face.

And she realizes that there's a hole cut in one of my pockets.

And your left hand is moving furiously.

And then my elbow is all the way in my waist.

You know.

That whole situation.

Yeah, classic.

You're at the library.

Your knuckles are threatening to bust through the seams of your khakis.

Yeah.

You're dark.

Like, how did you even get in here?

You don't have a boarding pack.

Like, one of my friends is a bag carrier.

Press me in through the employee entrance when I come into the breastfeeding area.

Here at beautiful Hartfield, Jackson.

It's a lot harder to stress upon these beautiful southern bells how important it is to get your big full bags.

To keep them milk jugs.

Keep them fucking...

topped off.

Top off that titty for me.

Yeah.

Ladies, keep them titty.

Can you pump milk back into a titty?

How about that for making sure they stay big?

Yeah, take some fucking homemill

of the grocery store naturally.

I had to unfollow Randolin.

Oh, no, she keeps posting pictures of

her and, like, I guess one of Fetty Wop's friends.

And it's like, it's like the team together forever.

It's like, even you know that single right, absolutely.

Together until you foolishly get a tattoo in like elongated cursive on your fucking forehead,

you know, that says Max Bitch to garbage man.

De apostrophy.

So you're mad that she got a boyfriend.

No, I'm not mad that you got a boyfriend, man.

I don't follow your account to see anything.

I don't want

to know that.

It's one of the Remy boys.

I'm mad that

shit's coming up in my feed that's not pictures.

It's almost medically large ass.

Monty.

Monty's fucking Randolin.

Monty.

That cocksucker that he puts on every track.

That song was so much better with Drake.

Is that the guy that says the numbers?

That's his job.

70.

Yeah, yeah.

Man, man, look, I know this is going to be hard for you, but I need you to say at least four numbers.

Oh, damn.

All right.

17, 38.

And they're like, is that four?

They're like, technically, I mean, it's two, but we're going to let it slide.

You did good.

You know, so just you keep doing your thing.

Now go fuck Randolin.

Damn.

She's taking a look.

Go bust the nut in one of the creases in her ass.

A lower tier fucking.

That's so, dude.

I'm sorry the girl you're in love with has a boyfriend.

I'm not in love with either of them.

You don't love them, hoes?

I do get mad anytime someone has a boyfriend

without my permission.

100%.

You know?

Although, you know what?

I would love to be a side bitch.

That's my destiny, dude.

A big one.

For another guy.

No, just fuck some.

Yeah, fuck some guys.

I'm talking about being the daily driver.

You know what I mean?

Oh, no.

Just sort of.

Sex in exchange for a base level of emotional support.

I'll get you to work, you know, and back.

No, I don't want to.

No,

I want fun little getaways with somebody else's.

I can't wait to be a fucking awful stepper.

That hurts feelings after a while.

You think so, dude?

Yeah.

I've been in that situation where I've been.

You're emotionally fragile.

Maybe.

I'm an alpha dog.

No, you think you've been in a situation where you've cocked another man, but all you are is in a situation where you're not good enough to be the one in the relationship.

No, I've been another man.

I've been another man multiple times, and it doesn't.

Okay, here comes here comes the fake empathy.

Let's hear it.

Go.

This is my favorite part.

Where here's me doing something bad, and then I go, Actually, it doesn't feel good

to do that.

Yeah, I was stealing from this homeless black lady the other day, and I was like, this is like, in a way, if you think about it, it's kind of fucked up.

Shut Shut up.

To steal money from a charity for a home.

You should make money.

I deserve it.

I deserve it.

Yeah.

I actually deserve this.

You know, if you think about it, it'll laugh.

Deserve to be fun up?

On that one, yeah, I do.

No, Psych, I probably want to get boot up, dude, sometime soon.

You know?

I just want to fucking hit a fucking pumpkin patch with a girl.

Become a gay icon, you know?

Hang out with me and Mark Wahlberg, hanging out together.

Getting sucked off by men.

We're the straight guys that they all wish they could be.

You guys start kissing.

Holding hands in the gym together.

Spotting each other.

Saying racist shit in the locker room.

Because in there, you understand the code

that Billy Bush violated.

The Mark Wahlberg lawyer.

Yeah, I did.

That fucking rat, if I ever see Billy Bush in the streets, it's on site.

I'm fucking you up, Billy Bush.

Honestly, worse than what his uncle did in Iraq.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Absolutely.

He invaded the privacy of Donald Trump.

I agree.

I agree.

I don't think a fuck about the Levant.

That's right.

The Levant.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Is that one of Lonzo's brothers?

You name your geographic area after a shitty sedan.

The Buick Levant.

Actually, there is.

That's an SUV, isn't it?

Really?

The Maserati Levant.

Oh, yeah.

Maserati makes an SUV?

They have an SUV called the Levante.

I'm about to buy two.

It's named after Iraq?

I think so.

Wait, is the Levant Iraq and Iran?

It's Iraq and Syria.

Iraq and Syria.

That's right.

That's fun.

Nick, the smart one.

No, the Levant is the area in between the Tigris and the Euphrates.

Yes.

Right?

No, that's the cradle of civilization.

Okay.

And it's no, it's the area in between the Tigris and Euphrates is the Levant, and then the whole area is Mesopotamia.

Yes.

No, no, Mesopotamia is between the Tigris and the Euphrates.

Mesopotamia, motherfuckers.

In between races.

It's the same word with a stupid accent.

Yeah, the fucking...

Meso.

First of all, meso.

Here comes the Greek

version of that word.

Don't you mean the Greek version?

Huh?

That's not being bilingual.

Yes, it is, bitch.

No, that's having a lot of money.

It just so happens that in this case it directly translates to being the same exact words.

Okay.

In that case, I fucking I am like 90% literate in Spanish, you know?

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Nope.

You just say that uh most of the words are the fucking same.

You You just say, Are Lopez?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Mesopotamia.

You can't say like a day labor.

Mesopotamia.

Mesopotamia.

Mesopotamia.

Mesopotamia.

Mesopotarios.

No, there's no R.

Excuse me.

Someone made a mesopotamia in a bathroom.

And I know it's my job to clean it, but I am supposed to clean another bathroom, not this one.

Wait, isn't the way you say Greece in Greek?

Hellen?

Hellada.

Hellada?

Elada.

Okay.

Because it was Hellenic?

It was Hellenic?

I don't fucking know, dude.

I don't know where Greece started.

That's Greeks weren't even Greek.

What does that mean?

Yeah.

You know, like Homer.

He wasn't Greek.

Yeah, he was.

Alexander?

Yeah.

Alexander.

Yeah, he was.

Don't you fucking dare try to take it from us.

Fuck all those godsuckers.

Those fucking Slavic motherfuckers calling their country Macedonia.

That shit wasn't Macedonia, bitch.

Okay?

No one knows who the fuck you are.

You're some bootleg version of Serbia.

All right, let's look up where he's from.

He's from Greece.

Let's stop be right about

both of you.

I'm right constantly.

I'm the only one who knew what the mean and an average was.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

100%.

I'm going to edit this part of the show.

The first ever editing.

You heard that right, folks.

Edit this dick.

I edited it to make it larger.

I edited a guy's name out one time, but people immediately found him.

Oh, yeah.

I remember it.

I picked up on the audience.

No, because you said it later.

Yeah, we definitely said it later a bunch of times.

You didn't edit all of the stuff.

You just edited like.

It wasn't even the first time, I don't think.

I think you edited like the second time.

Folks, I got the PlayStation VR.

Yeah, you won't let me play.

Because you'll break it.

The PlayStation Very Racist.

You're like an idiotic child.

I'm not an idiotic child.

I'm not like close.

Yes, you are, dude.

And stop, back me up on this.

Would Adam break the PlayStation Verse?

100%.

Why?

Because your wrists are too weak to hold the story.

Yeah, you can't.

My wrists are solid.

Absolutely.

You break the recorder all the time.

I've never broken the recorder.

You don't game.

You're not going to die all over it.

I never

game.

Motherfucker.

Gaming is not a part of your fucking soul.

You've got a pretty shitty haircut this time around, too.

Yeah, I asked for.

This is the first time you've had a bad haircut.

I don't mind it.

It's alright.

It's not bad.

I just didn't want to get the hipster long on top, short.

He's short of it.

You got what?

You got a shittier version of it.

The lesbian fitness instructor.

I just got it.

Yeah, you look like you're about to fucking try to sell me a membership at Brick Bodies right now.

I feel like the lesbians have Suzanne Powder.

I feel like the lesbians have taken it, like, have, they all have Richard Spencer's now.

No, no.

Yeah, they do.

No, they don't.

They have your shit.

I kind of have, like, yeah, it's not very good, but it'll grow.

Whatever.

I'm not that vain, actually.

I'm pretty, like, I like to feel ugly.

I like to feel ugly, like, make myself ugly.

You like to feel ugly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not be ugly.

You know who you are.

You're the fucking, you're exactly the same as the girls that post on Twitter.

They're like, Pete's in bed.

Yeah, I bet someone's dying to marry me.

Right.

Because if there's a guy out there that's like, what?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

What?

There's pepperoni on those fucking fat ass titties.

Relatable by having like a completely correctable and fucking not even that big of a flaw.

Right.

I can't cut my own hair.

What are you talking about?

I used to cut my own hair for years.

Okay, that's cool.

I can't do good.

You looked bad.

It's not that bad of a cut that I got, by the way.

I looked at that.

Don't tell the fans.

You looked horrible.

I looked great.

That was when you were fucking looking disheveled as hell, those years.

Nah, man.

I cut my own hair.

I looked sharp.

No, you had that fucked up patchy ass sea captain beard.

You were wearing a little fucking hat.

I wasn't cutting my hair then.

I was cutting my hair when I was in D.C.

Oh,

you had fucked up hair then as well.

No, it was drunk as shit.

I remember.

Your haircut.

That's the only way to cut your hair.

Your haircut's always varied.

That's how they do it.

Sometimes you came in with like a fucking bulk, like a high bulk cut type thing.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, the other day I was in bed eating pizza.

You guys fucked up that animals don't need to cut their hair.

They always look cool.

Yeah, what the fuck is that?

Why don't animals have to cut their hair?

It falls like it's because they got fur.

I got fur.

But some dogs have...

You have to cut their hair.

True.

Yeah.

Good point.

Anyhow,

PlayStation VR is really fucking cool.

What games do you have for it?

Arkham Asylum?

No, just Resident Evil and then the demo discs that it came with.

I was born off that shit.

I downloaded some shit called Static, which is like a puzzle game, which sort of feels like a Portal rip-off.

Probably.

And Portal was a lot of fun.

And I kind of lost my patience trying to figure out a puzzle with a stupid thing on my phone.

There's got to be a portal.

There's the same guy that made Braid and stuff.

No.

There's got to be a Portal porno where you just do the little thing and it's a glory hole, right?

That was an electric retard cartoon where it's the guy gets the portal gun and he shoots a portal to the inside of like a boys' locker room.

And then the one outs on the outside wall of the school is just jacking off.

Dude, electric retard was so funny.

Was that a a web comic?

It was a web comic by this Australian guy, and it got like banned in Australia because they don't have freedom of speech.

And so they're hard to find.

They're online, but you can only find a couple of them.

Dark web.

And,

you know, it was like, I loved it because it was like horrifically obscene.

Of course, yeah.

There was no like, you know, it's like,

everything now has to be like, you know, but what is, what is it satirizing?

What's the point?

How does this actually punch up?

And it's like, it doesn't.

It's It's just a cartoon.

Hey, yeah.

Yeah, it was always like, you know, two sort of normal panels, and then the last one would be like horrifically racist or like sexual violence.

I forget, there was one where it's just an old Jewish couple sitting in their house.

I love where it's going.

A giant, like a 60-story-tall Hitler that's completely nude, just fucking shoves his dick into the building

and then takes the grandma and then fucks her in half.

Oh, Oh,

Jesus.

It was all drawn in MS Paint.

Like, there was no

effort went into it.

It was just gods.

It was just like this guy's fucked up head.

And then the guy who made it turned out to be like a pedophile.

So that portal thing where he's beating off to a boy's locking room is what he wanted.

He wished was possible.

No, no, no, no.

You got to respect the art, dude.

You've got to respect the art.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, there was like a, I remember there was was like a picture of the guy that drew this shit, and it was like him sitting on a couch with this fake, like, beak nose thing, and his pants were completely off, so his penis and balls were exposed.

That's his author picture.

I mean, it was really fucking funny.

There was fucking, one of my favorite ones is like...

It starts off the first panel as a kid and he's like digging in his backyard and he finds treasure and then the second one is he runs in and it's him like explaining to his dad and the dad's like sitting in a chair reading a newspaper and like, you know, smiling, while the kid's like excitedly saying, Dad, I was digging out in the backyard and I just kept digging and digging and digging.

And like I found

underneath like all the soil, there was like a treasure box.

And I opened the box and inside it there was treasure.

And then the next panel is the dad holding the kid down and jacking off on his face.

And the kid's crying, what the fuck, what?

It just doesn't make any sense.

Good God.

That is hilarious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it was a very funny card.

Good for that guy.

You don't often hear him.

Very smart.

You don't often hear a pedophile with a sense of humor.

I feel like, you know, that guy was usually beaten out of that.

Jared was funny.

Those commercials were always funny.

He had his electric personality.

Jared was

always lit up a room.

He was just so charismatic.

He was the host of the most.

I just loved it that Subway picked a guy with zero energy,

zero appeal, and then they were like, this is is the guy for 15 years.

I know, dude.

And then he's a rapist of children.

I mean, you cannot go worse in terms of commercial guys.

That's why like fucking advertising and marketing people are all like absolute fucking retards and none of them should have their jobs.

Yeah, it's all random.

Yeah.

Completely fucking random.

Yeah.

Fuck, but I'm jealous of the fucking Sonic guys.

That's a fucking nice life.

If you just hit that lottery,

those commercials aren't bad.

But I'm just saying I'm jealous of just like, that's a good fucking life, dude.

Being Flo.

Flow's probably a fucking

billionaire, dude.

Yeah, Flo's a bad thing.

Flow's a UCB person.

She's like, but you know what?

Why that would suck?

Is because, like, that's it.

You're done.

That's your thing.

Yeah, be rich.

Yeah, but she's got it for like 20, you know, not 20, but she's got it for like 10 years going.

I was gonna be like, I mean, it's not like we're right, you're right.

Let's say you want to be a fucking comic, and it's like, that's done.

That's not going to happen.

But like, Pete Holmes got the E-Trade baby.

Yeah, but Pete Holmes was already kind of a celebrity.

And it's a baby.

It's just his voice.

It was just his voice.

Yeah, he was already doing well.

I mean, he wasn't a celebrity.

He was doing well in comedy, but no one knew who the fuck he was, I don't think.

Yeah, he didn't have a comment.

But also, I knew he was coming.

It's a baby.

Yeah, he's through a comic.

But

it's a baby.

If it's your face and you're like the guy.

It's a voiceover thing.

Yeah.

Anyway, I want to be one of those guys.

Get a commercial agent.

I would love to.

Anybody out there, sign me.

Talk to Ian.

Go to Ian round.

We got to get Ian back on the pod.

He's been asking every day.

Well, that's why he's not coming back home.

You hear that, Ian, you motherfucker.

You know how I was nice to you on the phone earlier?

I guarantee you, Ian doesn't listen to the podcast.

Yeah,

someone tweet Ian and tell him we were talking shit about him.

There's not a band.

Any comic that comes up to you and says, Man, congratulations on all this success.

A, they don't listen to the show.

100%.

B, they do not mean congratulations.

Yeah.

They mean, why is it my podcast?

What they mean is rook to F5.

That's all that fucking means.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, this will set me up nicely.

In four weeks,

I got the Baby Driver, 4K Blu-ray.

Did you watch it?

I did.

I liked it a lot.

I wonder what it was good?

Yeah.

Shout out to my best friend, Ansel L.

Gort.

Not my best friend.

He is mine.

We're good friends.

I don't like him.

I kind of thought he was sort of gay.

And there was a bunch of gay shit in the movie.

There was a lot of dancing and choreography and Kevin Spacey.

Kevin Spacey

make up for it with violence and cars.

Yeah.

Pretty cool.

No nudity, though, so it gets

four thumbs down in that category.

No nudity?

Yeah.

Baby driver, no titties whatsoever.

And you know, I was apprehensive about seeing the movie because of the title, too.

I mean, first of all, I'm not a baby.

I'm a big kid.

I don't do baby stuff.

I go to the bathroom on my own.

I play grown-up video games.

And I was incredibly disappointed to find out that it had nothing to do with being a baby.

Adam was actually afraid of the title.

a kawa yeah i don't want to be all scary

baby i gotta

go out and totally travel in my crib

adam's even scared to have a race car bed yeah that's too much for him adam got hit by his race car bed

that's how stupid of a baby he is I wasn't stupid.

Anyhow, there's a lot of cool.

Actually, the chase scene that that movie opens with is really fucking cool.

I got a fucking shit.

It's the director, what's his name?

David Wright.

Yeah, he made some pieces of Hot Fuzz.

Hot Fuzz is great.

That's a good one.

I didn't like the fucking.

What's that movie where it was like?

Sell Aliens or some shit?

What about the Aliens?

That one was weird.

What was the movie?

Scott Pilgrim.

I didn't like that.

Oh, that was good.

You didn't like that?

I thought that was corny.

I thought it was good.

Well, there was definitely a lot of corny elements to this movie.

But, I mean, it was fun.

It was well-paced.

I enjoyed it.

It had a lot of famous motherfuckers in there.

John Hamm with his big old cock was in there.

John Hammond.

Jamie Fox.

Jamie Foxx.

Foxx, they had a dick off in the middle of the movie.

John Ham

has a bigger dick.

Did Jamie Foxx?

I think so.

Why?

No, no.

I saw Jamie Foxx bragging about the size of his penis on the Tonight Show when I was a kid.

Really?

Did he?

What are you saying?

Yeah, during what is, what is, what is it?

What is the Al Pacino?

Scent of a Woman?

No.

Al Pacino, Jamie Foxx, football movie.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Any given Sunday.

Inch by inch.

Anyway, it was fucking.

I think

was it there he was telling the story about fucking someone seeing his dick or whatever and being blown away I think he was talking about like a woman seeing his dick or whoever the woman

in the movie people say he's gay yeah Jamie Foxx yeah people say I don't say well me and him have the same birthday well he wouldn't be

everyone born on that day is gay so you know what I found out this week so yeah he's definitely gay oh yeah so yep we can move forward now on this subject factoid Hollywood penis uh fact tidbit celebrity

Celebrity cock minute with Adam Friedland.

Celebrity Penis tidbit.

Milton Burrell had a 13.

Everyone knows that.

I didn't know that.

Everybody knows.

Adam read that under the cap of one of his gay snappers.

Special gay snapples.

Everyone knows that, Milton Burrell.

Everyone knows Milton Burr has a big one.

Everybody fucking knows that, dude.

How does everyone know that?

Because it was, you know what I think?

It was in that.

It was in Comedy Central's 100th Greatest Comics.

They talked about Milton Burrell, I think, was on the list.

It was mentioned in some kind of fucking comedy special that Milton Burrell had a huge dick.

There was no dicks in the movie.

Anyhow, all the driving scenes in that movie just reinforced my decision to buy the new Gran Turismo wheel, the official wheel,

$800 Gran Turismo wheel.

Jesus Christ, which will

immediately become a Gran Torino wheel as soon as I get my hands on it.

Because I'm racist, folks.

He drive the car in the movie outside of that last.

I don't know.

Yes, he does.

I've never seen it.

Oh, yeah, he does.

No, he drives the pickup truck.

He doesn't drive.

Yeah, but when he goes to tool up at the end

to get to save the Hmong kids, what the fuck are you looking at, pussy?

The Hmong?

It's not Hmong, you fucking.

That's how you have to talk when you get the Gran Turismo wheel.

Don't fucking bother me.

I'm gaming.

I'm playing video games right now, you fucking fucking spook.

Yeah.

I feel like that movie wasn't written.

Clint Eastwood just dictated it into the inside of a Bud Heavy.

The whole thing in the bottle in front of him.

And he's like, are you getting this in there?

I'm like, do we have Clint on his Budweiser mic?

Gotta say spook and then Dragon Lady.

And I want it all in the picture.

What's Clint up to these days?

He's probably still making making movies.

It's incredible.

He did that thing where he talked to the empty chair like 12 years ago.

It was like forever ago, and he's still making movies.

No, it was like six years ago.

Four years ago.

Six years ago.

Yeah, six years ago now.

Which is not 12 years ago.

It's literally half.

It was a hyperbole.

No, it was the wrong number.

Yeah, 12.

Whatever.

Six years ago.

But you might be exaggerating.

Yeah, my dick is...

No, that's a bad example.

I don't know.

That would be exaggeration.

I'm trying to think of something where you're going to be able to do it.

If you said your dick was four inches.

Yeah, or you could be real exaggerated.

I was employing a rhetorical device called hyperbole.

Or like a particle device called your fucking brain.

Oh, my God.

Got him.

Yeah, it's on fire tonight.

Yeah, you're doing good.

I'll light you up.

Yeah, thanks.

Thanks.

You want you to stay out of my fucking sights, dude?

I got a bead on you.

I'm sniping it.

Anyway, I'm saying that.

No scope in your ass, bitch.

Yeah.

My man ain't even got to look through the little fucking things.

I was playing the new battlefield, and I think I kind of want to buy a sniper rifle.

Just to have.

A real one?

That never ends well.

I don't understand.

Absolutely not.

They're like, yeah, I'm going to buy a fucking sniper rifle in case, you know.

Is that what I do?

Is that a big epidemic?

No, I just feel like it happens.

That's how it starts.

Certainly it starts with, just see what happens.

Yeah.

I mean, it would be pretty cool to own a sniper rifle, but like, what are you going to do?

Not look through the fucking scope around your neighborhood?

Not go to the fucking water tower.

Get a sniper rifle and blow up on your roof.

Middle school.

Right.

Do you remember that?

You put the Blackhawk Down soundtrack on your phone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

In the dead of summer, dog days.

It's hot as shit.

You go to a fucking roof.

You go for four days.

You go up on your roof.

You look through that fucking scope.

And you convince yourself that you're in the Levant.

Yep.

That's what you do.

How did it it get such a gay name?

The Levant.

Such a gay French name.

I don't know.

They let the Italians name it.

They let the Italian

factory name it.

No, it's probably the French.

The French had a much better run.

The French had Syria and Lebanon.

For a while, French was like English.

Everyone had to speak French.

Yeah.

And we really fucked their accessories.

Africa still does.

Yeah.

Those motherfuckers love speaking French.

Mali.

Yeah, they love it.

They are so happy, the historical reasons that they all speak French.

Don't they?

Gauti?

Sierra Leone?

That country,

Liberia, was started by American freed slaves, right?

Right.

Monrovia.

I thought Monrovia was.

No, it was Liberia.

That's why it's a challenge.

Monrovia is the capital.

But the

do they speak English there?

It doesn't sound like English.

Yeah, but their names are all like Robert Thompson.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it's like from this 18 somethings.

All those names are from like, you know.

Yeah, well, they all have like

these white guy names.

What was the guy's name?

Charles something, the like dictator?

Good luck, Jonathan.

No, no, that's not.

He's such a good name, dude.

Was Good Lock Jonathan even a bad guy?

Yeah, he was a bad guy.

I think so.

I thought he was like, he looked like him older, and he never gave power away.

I think, is he still in power?

I think he might.

Good luck, Jonathan.

Well, wait till you see him.

Good fucking luck, Jonathan.

That guy.

That's good.

That's a good tape.

Folks.

More like bad luck, Jonathan.

Damn, your scope is coming for everyone today.

Yeah, good luck, Jonathan.

Bad luck, Jonathan.

Your retarded brain.

Nice.

Got him.

Beach us.

Good night, Aingas.

Beachas.

Hello, I am good luck, Jonathan.

And I am here to say, Adam is gay.

Yeah.

Okay, goodbye now.

A lot of people ask me, Good luck, Jonathan.

Where did you get your name?

Good luck.

And the answer is:

40 years ago,

I slept with a woman without her consent, and the police never found out.

Everyone in Nigeria is named Good Luck, Frank.

Good luck, Billy.

And to this I say, I must have pretty good luck.

Some of my friends laughed and they said, from now on, your name will be Rapus Jonathan.

I said, but please, I have to get the job.

And they say, okay, we will call you Good Luck, Jonathan.

Take that, good luck, Jonathan.

Who's that other

Nigerian guy, Tokyo Sex Wale?

Whoa, who's that?

Oh, yeah.

There's there's some African politician named Tokyo Sex Wale.

That is unfucking believable.

That rules so much.

Yeah.

Damn, Tokyo Sex Wale.

Sometimes people ask me, Tokyo Sex Wale, when did you get your name?

And 40 years ago, I went to Japan and I had sex with him without her content.

But she was very fat.

Have you ever watched Nigerians stand up?

No.

Nigerians are cool as shit.

Pretty funny.

Oh, they really are.

Yeah.

They're funny.

Nigerians love college, too.

UNBC, it was all Nigerians.

Nigerians are fun-loving people.

They're fucking shitty to do business with.

Why?

I've

got emails.

They'll like just, you know, you'd be like, all right, so I'll do a job for $20 and they'll just hand you $15 at the end.

And then you're like, it was $20.

What is this based on?

Based on numerous jobs I've done for Nigerians.

When?

I've done like consulting races.

Contract killing races.

Yeah, contract killings.

Now, selling phones to them and shit.

Oh.

Yeah.

They're shrewd.

15.

Yeah.

I mean, every type of race has their own way of bargaining.

But the Nigerians' way is just like playing dumb, I guess.

That's cool.

Yeah.

They're like, oh, I thought you said it was 15.

It's like, motherfucker, you know it's not $15.

You know it's $20.

You can argue with me if you want.

I'm not going to cut you a deal.

Judge wasting everybody's time.

For what?

Like a brat's cell phone case?

Yeah, for a brat's cell phone case.

Dude, I would get so horny when I saw the brats, dude.

Perfect.

Do you think the brats were hot?

Oh, yeah, baby.

I got hard.

Those big-ass eyes, dude.

Bro, I used to get

so horny.

I used to get fucking hard, dude.

It's like, imagine Pepper Ann's perfect body with the head of Jack Skelling.

The Bratsman.

Pepperan.

Pepperin.

Pepperan.

She's too gay for seventh grade.

She's too ugly, too good.

No.

Whoa.

Fuck.

Scott Damn.

Pull up.

Yeah.

We've done plenty of

that genre of humor.

It was a good one, though.

It was a good way to go with that song.

We'll say that.

I did fuck with Pepperan, though.

Pepperan.

And recess.

I watched that show every day after school.

Pepperin was annoying as shit, dude.

I liked her black had a longer body than you.

Yeah,

more fucking

more pronounced pecs than you.

She needed to settle down.

I don't like Pepperan.

She's going to beat me up.

She needed to settle down and listen to the adults in the room.

I don't know.

I think you're a big recess ruled also.

Yeah, you are.

You are.

Recess was good because it was a society.

I loved that, dude.

I had dreams of living in that society, dude.

I wanted to be in there.

Of being a member of something.

Of being, yeah, of recess.

game.

Yes, of I liked being the fat kid who was like shrewd.

The main character, I guess.

Who's the fat kid that was shrewd?

They had a fat main character.

My character.

No, not the blonde one.

The main guy who had like a backwards cap and a bomber jacket.

No, what's in his name?

No, his name was

JT or something.

Spicoli.

Yeah, probably.

Was it TJ?

Yes, was Spikoli the girl?

He was a girl.

Whose dad was a molester biker?

What?

I don't know if he actually molested her, but I always assumed that was part of the story.

Yeah, I wanted Spikoli to be my queen.

Wait, wasn't Spikoli from another show?

Wasn't that a character?

No, it was like the tomboy.

Bridgemont Hot.

Oh, yeah.

Spikoli.

Oh, that's it.

Spinelli.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good call, good call.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Spinelli.

Yeah, I wanted Spinelli to be my girl, dude.

Yeah, she was hot with the beanie and the leather jacket.

Yeah, she was a little tomboy.

What was the black kid's name?

Lamarcus.

Tokyo Sex Molly.

Tokyo Sex Molly.

Do you remember the black kid?

Tokyo Sex Molly is such a good name.

Do you remember the black kid from the BK Kids Club?

Nobody gave a shit about the BK Club.

No, I don't.

I actually don't even.

I barely remember the BK Kids Club.

I only remember because we talked about it and then I googled it.

Yeah, right.

I mean, I remember

wheels.

We've talked about wheels.

I've seen it as a fucking adult, yeah, but it's like, I didn't go to Burger King that often.

That was like such a fucking

dick.

Yeah, it does.

Burger King sucked my dick.

Were you a Burger King kid?

No, I wasn't.

What was your fast food of choices of Chocolate?

Taco Bell, dude?

Ugh.

Taco Bell.

West Coast shit, dude.

Remember before Gidget, the dog, they had the cartoon Dog and Cat?

I did not remember that.

That's a throwback.

That was a brief ad campaign.

I do not remember that.

They had an animated dog and cat.

And, you know, and the commercials would end with the like, boom, like the fucking bell.

Red Robin.

And then the boom, Taco Bell.

Yeah, it was a dog and cat.

No, I don't remember.

I never fucked with Taco Bell.

I didn't have a taco until I was in like high school.

Yeah.

What?

What happened?

I swear to God.

You didn't eat a taco.

No, dude.

All the foods, the only exotic food I had was Chinese food.

Gyros?

Of course, Greek food.

It was all Greek food and pizza.

I did not have a fucking taco.

I didn't have sushi till I was in college.

Dude, you're sushi.

I didn't have Thai food.

Later in life, I became worldly.

I've discussed this.

Now, Asian food is my number one.

You were favorite dinner when I was a little kid?

Your father's penis?

Well.

The episode just ends.

That's the last.

Come down's over.

Yo, it would almost be worth it.

It would almost be worth it.

Nick has to go to therapy.

I'm taking some time off.

I'm going to anti-oppression therapy with my parents.

Alright, shut up, Adam.

I enjoy this too much.

No, it was baked beans with little pieces of hot dog in it.

Oh, that's the white trash special.

That's the hobo special, dude.

No, that shit's just great.

That's the shit that when people are fucking

over a trash can and warming their hands, they're warming up beans with little hot dogs in them.

Dude, baked beans are some of the best goddamn things on this earth.

Hey, man.

I'm just saying.

I tell you, you get a little piece of land, some baked beans, a little piece of pussy pie to suck on here and there, you know?

That fresh piece of pussy pie.

piece done.

You can take a little dip into the old noodle

in there.

Yes, you know, you say, Hey, sweetheart.

Get over here.

I'm done with my bees.

You fucking oh,

our daddy's full of beans and he's ready to fuck.

Ain't no room for beans and cum in my body, girl.

All the beans are pushing out the gas and come

your balls just get bigger and bigger the more beans you eat just the idea of like a like a fucking like middle-aged guy just farting with a boner

full of beans

daddy's full of beans he's ready to fuck

these poor middle-aged women that have to fuck those middle-aged guys i mean i guess i took a bike ride through South Brooklyn.

I have not spent much time in South Brooklyn.

I kind of just operate north of wherever.

You're always headed sort of in the direction of Manhattan.

We're in South Brooklyn.

I'll get to that.

So the point is, is I took a bike ride down Tompkins until it ends.

So I forget what that turns into.

I think like Brooklyn Avenue, maybe.

And

yeah, and it takes you down to like Empire or something.

So just like whatever is Empire.

Whatever's east of Bay Ridge is where I went to.

Oh, damn.

Okay.

And then I went over to the Varanzano.

Holy shit, you're down there.

Braves End down there.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, Braves End.

Down that whole area.

Benson Hurst.

The Hasides just continue from South Williamsburg all the way.

Really?

If you go down ocean all the way to like Coney Island, Brighton Beach, it's all juice.

Yeah.

Disgusting.

And it's like, they really are.

Time to get the flamethrower out.

Yeah.

It really is.

Just

a pernicious disease.

Affected my beautiful hometown of Brooklyn.

That's really where.

That's like the sad chasets down there.

They couldn't make it in Dubsburg.

Graves End and shit.

I mean, that just sounds like a place you're going to die.

It literally

does.

Best.

One of my favorite pizza places is around there.

LB Spimoni Gardens.

Spimoni?

The girl from recess?

No.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Have you had LB Spumoni Gardens?

No, I haven't.

Oh, is that the shit you said you were going to get us and you didn't get us?

Went.

You said I'm going.

Oh, yeah.

you know what,

he did get us, but it was all fucking cold and shitty, which is like, regardless of how good it is.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I got you a fucking half pie, and you guys, like, I brought it back, and you guys were shitting on me.

Because it was cold.

It was fresh.

From pizza is only good when it's fucking fresh.

All right, we'll go down.

We'll bike down there.

It's food.

And it literally has a shelf life.

It's really nice to.

Yeah, it was like three days afterwards.

It's really nice to get us to bike down to Brighton, go to the beach for a bit, and then on the way back, get L and B S Pimoni Gardens.

I I think the owner just got murdered in a mafia thing.

Oh, that's how you know it's a good pizza pull.

That's how you know it's good.

That's how you know it's good.

Yeah, the owner definitely just got murdered.

Got got?

Yeah.

What'd he do?

I don't know.

He was murdered.

But it's very good.

It's Neapolitan.

Somewhere

in Square style.

Neapolitan.

I've got maybe two months left more of dieting.

And then

I can start having cheat days or whatever the fuck.

It's a little bit so long, probably.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, you know what?

I had a slice of pizza.

Really, if it fits my calories, my macros, I can eat it.

How can you tell what a slice of pizza is calorically?

A slice of pizza is roughly like

250 calories to 300 calories.

My man's got MyFitnessPal.

Yeah, I mean,

he's MyFitnessPal, but also I know from working at pizza restaurants.

Yeah, you forget you're talking to a pizza man.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot, yeah.

He can look at your calories.

He can eyeball it.

Yeah.

I mean, like, yeah, like, because

I had like half of that pizza that I ordered for when we did that shoot.

Oh, true, true, true.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't eat all day.

So I could just eat that.

Now, like, I blew my macro portions out of control.

I mean, I way too much.

I was too happy that day.

Way too much.

Calorically.

Well, I was also doing cocaine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, but you kept saying, like, I'm so happy, I'm productive.

I'm just going to have a slice of pizza.

Well, I had like four.

He didn't say that.

He didn't keep it.

Later on that night.

Oh, when you guys were yipping.

When you got a few things were wrapped up and finished, I felt good.

Oh, yeah.

You know?

That was fun.

Yeah.

The next thing we're going to do is shoot that VR porn, we said.

What I want to do is I want to get a drone, right?

I would love it.

With two stereoscopic three hundred sixty degree cameras, you know,

fly it around the neighborhood and then watch a video on the PlayStation VR.

That sounds pretty cool.

And then it would be like I'm flying around my neighborhood.

That is cool.

Maybe put a couple guns, a couple bombs,

that sniper rifle in my body.

That sounds fun.

Yeah.

Kill your enemies.

I love to kill my enemies.

If you could get away with murder

someone in this neighborhood, who would it be?

Adam.

Yeah, he doesn't live here now.

We're a neighborhood.

We're neighbors.

If I could kill someone in this neighborhood?

Yeah.

Yes.

Nick.

You can't.

You can't.

Sorry, bitch.

Why?

Because I already killed you.

Yep, you're dead.

You didn't kill me.

Plus, the guns, the trigger is too much for your finger.

Your finger's too weak.

Well, I wouldn't use it.

You would try and set up a simple machine, a pulley.

Obviously, I'd hire a couple of

what?

What kind of guys?

What kind of fellas?

A couple of the fellas, you know.

Yeah, who are we going to blame it on?

Gun guys, you know.

I'm watching Planet Earth 2.

I think I'm done with the Planet Earth shit.

Why, dude?

I don't know.

I've seen enough animals.

I like, I mean, it's fucking hack, but getting stoned as hell and watching Planet Earth is incredible.

That's a good exercise.

I'm not going to shit to get stoned and watch.

It's bad.

What?

What?

This fucking looks on this TV.

Yeah, watching.

I just love getting fucking stony shit with my boys, watching a couple girls get fucked in the ass.

No pussy.

No vaginal shit.

That's a weird part of.

I ain't trying to see no fucking female pussy.

I might re-watch Baby Driver again, get high enough that I can't remember anything from seeing it before.

I feel like if I buy the Blu-rays, I have to watch them at least five times to justify.

I get what you're saying.

I re-watched Independence Day this morning.

Let's watch it Wednesday.

I got a spot after this, but I'd watch Baby Driver Wednesday.

The weird part of early adolescence is when your friends call you over and they say, I got porn.

And then, like, six

boys look at you.

Tie your hands down and they

open your mouth wide.

And they put two cocks in it at once.

Stop it.

And then you're like, Grands has sex with his mouth.

And they're like, Adam, give us that throat pussy.

And you're like, I don't want to.

And then you're like,

I love it.

And then at the end, you're like, thanks, boys.

That's exactly as the email said.

Thank you for following my directions.

I remember there was this Mormon kid down the block from me, and he called me up one day and he was like, come over and see this baby.

What?

And I was like, what?

I don't want to go over and see that.

He's like, you can't.

We called my parents' house.

I went over and it was a poster of a woman with her legs spread open and her fingers spreading her pussy lips open.

And he's like, check out this baby.

Did he mean the woman's pussy or was there a baby coming out of her pussy?

It was like he was trying to use the code.

I was like, Black Black Women's 80s haircut.

I kind of look like Fantasia, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, she's illiterate.

Yeah, yeah, she can't read.

Much like myself.

Fantasia's good, though.

She's a good singer.

I think the gospel is a little bit more.

I think I I just need to shower.

I think my hair is just.

Maybe.

I'm due for a haircut.

I'm thinking about shaving my head completely.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, that's cool.

Go chrome dome.

Chrome dome?

Once I'm sub 10% body fat, I'll do that.

I can't do that because I have this massive mole on top of that.

Yeah, you said.

You look stupid as shit, too.

I would look dumb.

I don't have a strong head.

Yeah, only true out of it.

Better with long hair.

I don't think neither of you should do it.

His head got squeezed into a dumb shape by his mom's pussy.

Oh, yeah.

That's not true.

I was Cesarean.

It's because your dad's tiny penis never stretches it out.

I was in the cesarean section for the right time.

I was

like, that's it.

Yeah, our dad's big ass dicks widened our mom's pussies, bitch.

Our dads have huge dicks.

Yeah, they fucked our moms hard with them.

Shit, I couldn't come out of my dad, my mom's ass.

She was so fucking loose.

I had the choice because my dad's bastard yeah your mom's tight ass

i do appreciate you guys admitting that my mom does have a perfect pussy and your moms have destroyed pussies

sorry

sorry your guys moms aren't

that's a crazy thing for guys to argue about whose mom has a nicer pussy indeed it's like pretty normal to argue about whose dad is stronger as bigger dick it's not normal to argue whose dad has a nicer pussy what the fuck are you talking about really normal thing right

That is normal.

Adam and his sister used to argue about who was whether their dad or their mom had the smaller genitals.

They get in fights about it.

What are you two arguing about?

Well, we're arguing again about whether Mumbleyu has the tinier penis or vagina

room right now.

That's not what I sounded like.

Yes, it is.

This is what you sound like right now.

Wait, I thought that's what his dad sounded like.

This is also what his dad sounded like.

God bless us, everyone.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I love just sitting around the fucking lunch table with my boys, playing paper football.

And whenever I missed a field goal, my friends would be like, that's why your dad has a smaller dick than my dad.

He fucking assholes.

My dad has your biggest dick.

My dad came on job day to the school.

He's unemployed, but he showed everyone his dick.

That's cool.

And now they canceled Jim.

They're not allowed to have Jim anymore.

My dad got his dick stuck in the basketball hoop.

Boys, I'm trying to get the Blade Runner 4K Blu-ray disc.

No luck.

Not the new one.

The original

final cut.

The new one was weird.

It's like

who was supposed to be Will Farrell's character, you know?

Who was supposed to be

Napoleon Dynamites?

Isn't it a sequel?

To Blade Runner?

Yeah, to Blades of Glory.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

You're doing a bit of a

bad thing.

No, I did not see it.

I want to see it, though.

It's a sequel to

Weird Al Yankovic Running with Scissors.

The real Blade Runner.

That's good.

You can't find it?

Yeah, I can't.

Like, on Amazon, it does that see all buying options thing.

and then you know you go it's like Hong Kong Chinese video

or whatever you know it's like I don't know stealyourmoney.org.

Yeah, right.

Fucking Chinese people

Chinese people are always trying to scam

on the internet.

They are scammers.

You know what?

God bless them.

I'd say that.

Yeah, no Blade Runner.

I want to find but it's out now, right?

The 4K?

It's been out for a month.

Okay, I think it just sold out immediately?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a thing that 4K guys would love.

Yeah.

People with 4K definitely love 4K.

Oh,

that's like the first movie that I'm excited to actually watch on this TV.

Right, right.

I mean, look at all the other bullshit that I've fucking bought.

John Wick, I've seen a million times.

Yeah.

It looks cool.

I mean, Mad Max looks better than anything else, and Mad Max was not even shot in 4K.

Yeah, Mad Max looks good as hell.

Have we mentioned this before?

You've been to that museum in Astoria, the

Moving Image Museum?

I have not been there.

They have the original set from Blade Runner.

Oh, true.

Yeah, it's pretty sick.

I got to go there.

I live there.

Maybe it's in Long Island City.

It's very close to me.

I think it's in Astoria.

It's very close to me.

It's in that part of Astoria that people call Long Island City.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's not.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a pretty cool place.

I've only been there once.

How about

Hog Island City?

Bong Island.

Brong Island City.

It's sick.

Strong Island.

Boston Strong Island.

When's the last time you smoked Bong?

I have a Bong just sitting on my fucking end table.

Did you smoke it?

It's been a month, maybe.

I don't know.

On special occasions, I bring the bong in.

I like once a week, I'll take one hit of resin and I get comfortably high.

Yeah.

You know?

It's because you're a damn lightweight bitch.

I have a resin.

I just don't like getting really high.

I like getting high enough that I can think of dumb shit that makes me laugh.

Yeah.

You know?

So I can get us.

You know, out of this bullshit podcasting gig and sell a TV show based on things like Andre's Steakhouse and Rude Nigga Sundar Sundar and rapping Indian 12-year-old.

Well done.

My classic sketches.

I worked it in.

Written for

to save us, to bring us to the spotlight of mainstream Hollywood.

Yeah.

Twilight Zone, where every episode ends with the guy's pants falling down.

That's good.

Yeah.

That's a good bit.

That is legs.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, once, you know, imagine for a second a different world where time stood still and a man's pants got caught in an escalator and were ripped off and everyone saw his penis.

Is this our world or is it the Twilight Zone?

It's like my penis.

My neck is big.

Honey, hurry up.

We're going to be late for the white power meeting.

In our normal fifties life.

Oh, no, my pants.

I'm sorry, John.

We're going to have to let you go since everyone's seen your penis.

But it's not fair.

It was just one time.

The escalator did it.

I didn't even expose my penis to everybody.

I'm sorry, but we can't have penis exposers in our church.

But I go to this church every week.

I've given you hundreds of dollars.

That's like millions of dollars in normal money.

In today's money.

In the future.

You know, you scale it up.

Well, mister, I'd really love to sell you this car, but

we heard about the penis.

So it looks like it's going to be the bus for you.

You always ride the penis bus.

He goes on a bus.

Oh, have you seen everyone's dick?

That's now the turn.

You know what?

I guess this is just who I am now.

Jimmy's.

I'm a penis showing man.

He grows his hair out.

He becomes a hippie.

That's good.

My wife can't.

And then he's in color.

And that's the plot of Pleasantville.

Yep.

Right?

It basically, literally, yes.

I think when you come, you come into color.

You beat off and you come.

What was the premise of that?

That only black people.

You have an emotion.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yeah.

All the black people were in color in Pleasantville.

Yeah, I think it's like once you felt an emotion.

Yeah, yeah.

Once you turn into color.

It's a tiny white color.

Yeah.

Right, wasn't there a scene where like the mom beats off the mom jerks off or something

in the bath that she has to wear gray makeup.

I think I beat off into that movie, too.

Pleasantville?

Mm-hmm.

Who's the daughter?

Who's the daughter in that?

Reese Witherspoon.

Reese.

What's up, Rhys?

And Toby Maguire?

Legally blonde, making me legally hard.

I used to hate her in Legally Blonde.

What?

What's this bitch named after Candy?

What do we got here?

A bitch named after Candy?

Shit.

How about that?

Reese.

Reese's.

That's nice.

Thanks.

What's spoon, kind of you eat with it?

Yeah, right.

It's

worthers.

Yeah, she's really close to candy and food in general, though.

Oh, Reese's.

Reese's, she's in.

Mm-hmm.

It's true.

Yep.

Who else?

People with candy names.

Mandy Moore.

It's kind of like Candy Moore.

Mandy Moore.

You know.

Revenge of the Nerds.

Nerds.

Yeah.

Baby Ruth.

Yeah.

Babe.

Baby Ruth.

That's for babies, though.

I don't eat that shit.

I only need 100 grand.

It's not.

It's for adults.

Because that's what my ass is worth.

Yep.

100 grand.

That's what I got on me at all times.

Yeah.

I got 100 grand worth of fucking

African guy.

You got to keep $1,000 on you at all times.

Yeah, bro.

They're trying to kick you out of this.

Yeah, just in case.

You got to always have $1,000.

I could never pull off a bribe.

I would get too nervous.

You go to fucking jail.

I would never try to bribe you.

My friend's dad, like, if you know how to do it, he was his public school teacher at Philly, and he kind of like got, like, was like done with it all.

And he was like, I'm moving to Mexico.

He, like, told his whole family he's moving to Mexico.

He packed up his

packed up his fucking GMC Jimmy.

Oh, the Jimmy was tight.

And he got to the border, and then at the border, actually, the Jimmy's was gay.

Let me take that back.

All right.

They're at the borders.

Yeah, they weren't that good.

They were shitty, shitty SUV.

My friend Jimmy.

He gets to the border border, and he's like,

They're like, I'm sorry, senor, like, your car is too shitty for Mexico.

And clearly, they were just asking for a bribe, and he was too offended by the whole situation.

He loved his Jimmy too much that he just turned around and moved to Florida.

Really?

Yeah.

That's pretty funny.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it was like

it's a really, I think, beautiful kind of like lyrical kind of story.

Like that old man with his shitty ass car.

Yep.

Your car is too shitty for Mexico, sir.

It is very lyrical.

Yeah.

It reminds me of.

Usher's Let It Burn.

You got it.

You got it.

You got it, bad.

When you did.

Isn't that what Justin Bieber sung to Usher in that parking lot when he was a little boy?

They got him signed?

Yeah.

Man, imagine that.

I think so.

Being exploited as a little boy in a parking lot.

By your parents.

Yeah.

With your parents.

And it turns out good.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Justin's doing great.

Justin is doing great.

And he probably wasn't molested.

Like most young, like most child stars, I think, probably have to suck off some old Jew.

It's true.

But because it was Usher, a guy who fucks fat women and gives them herpes, allegedly, instead of fucking boys, he kind of lucked out.

You know?

Yeah.

All the boy bands, they fucked that one guy.

Lou Perlman?

Yep.

I don't know if he fucked them all.

He picked one and fucked them.

I just think he ruined their money.

No, no, no.

He definitely fucked them.

He just stole from them.

He 100% fucked them, allegedly.

Lou Perlman?

Yeah.

Someone fucked them.

Maybe.

Some fat bald guy fucked them.

It wasn't me.

Shut up.

Yeah, yeah.

What?

It wasn't me.

Oh, you fucked up.

Before you say, before you say

boy bent, dude.

I don't want to fuck young boys.

I'm worried.

I'm going to be late to Best Buy to pick up my movies set up.

Well, we should stop the episode, dude.

No, we still got to do another.

I got my Apple Watch TM set to buzz my fucking arm when we're done recording.

Okay.

So we need one more bit to round this one out.

Okay.

Because a lot of people were mad about the lack of bits.

Nah, fuck them, dude.

We got good old bits, dude.

People like the last step, didn't they?

No, everyone hated you.

Fuck them.

Yeah.

They said you were bad.

Yep.

And they wrote letters to your parents because I said, you got a complaint?

That's not appropriate.

It's one, two, three.

You leave them alone.

Las Vegas, Nevada.

All right.

All right, let's get limber.

Let's loosen up.

Let's do like a classic.

Let's do like a classic hometown.

Call you gay.

I'm going to repeat something that I've said.

Call you gay.

Okay, so it's the Twilight Zone.

And

that's good.

That's pretty good.

How about this?

We just end the episode by telling people to check out the Shane Vader video where Bane is asking

doing Dan 9 and bits.

Yeah, that's great, dude.

That's hilarious.

Shout out to Shane.

They're a really good filmmaker.

Yeah, whatever.

Is that the correct pronoun?

I know I've misgendered Shane on the show.

I think Shane is she, actually.

And she made a big stink about it to Adam.

She didn't make a stink about it to me.

Oh, yeah.

She made a shirt that said, I'm trans and I listen to come.

Yo, for real?

Let's get that.

She said you alienated our only trans fan.

First of all, we got 400,000 the force field.

Most of our fans are

the shield.

The shield is a criticism.

It's true.

Do you want to come to us?

You got to go through about 400.

Yeah, right.

We have a whole army of those, you know, those British Buckingham Palace guards.

Yeah.

So it's a trans version of them.

They can't talk.

No, it's like 300.

Palace.

Yeah.

We got a Leonidas trans.

We got, and they're all jacked.

Yeah.

I bet you we got, yeah, there's got to be

a Steve Harvey one.

Ooh.

That'd be pretty cool.

Is it a woman that becomes Steve Harvey?

No,

I would love a version of Steve Harvey that's trans, but it's like something that's happened to them and they're incredulous about it.

They're like, y'all, I can't even believe this shit, but I'm a girl now.

I identifies my pronouns as she.

Lord, what am I thinking?

But I'm Steve.

Yeah.

I said to myself, Sean, tooth almost.

Steve's done.

Chop the dick off.

All right, thanks, Bob.

Pretty good.

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