Ep. 73 – Late Night Boys

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Well, you know what time it is, folks.

It's

the barbecue review out.

Oh, shit.

We've had, we're sitting here.

We got nine different types of barbecue sauce.

Yes, Casey, we're talking Casey's masterpiece.

Man, what happened to Casey Masterpiece?

We're talking Bubba, the one with the black calorie.

The black guy.

Sweet Baby Rays.

Sweet Baby Rays.

The black guy one is Stubbs.

Stubbs, that's right.

Stubbs.

I've been to the Stubbs factory?

In Austin.

In Austin, yeah, there's a

that's named after the actual black.

There's like a music venue there, too.

That they used to not let in there.

Sit out front.

Damn, dude.

Was there a segregated barbecue?

Did black people get the best barbecue?

No, barbecue.

The best barbecue is the black barbecue.

The best barbecue y uh you can find is you go to this place and it it looks like these people recently found out that they're not slaves anymore.

I think you sent me there in Austin, right?

The Ray's used to be my spot.

I used to love Ray's.

I love Danny's too on MLK.

That was a good spot.

I went to some shack that looked like shit and it was delectable.

That's good.

That's good barbecue, dude.

It's a fucked-up, you know,

Sam's on 12th.

That's a good barbecue.

How's Texas different than like the Carolinas?

Texas is no, there's no, I mean, there's a sauce, there's sauce on the side usually.

It's usually like

Yeah, they just fucking smoke the shit out of it until the fat, like, soaks into the lean meat.

And Carolina's got that vinegary shit.

That's

North Carolina.

And then South Carolina is like a mustard-y shit.

I'm probably wrong.

So why did you ask if you already knew the difference?

And Kansas City's the one that we have.

That's like the barbecue sauce.

That's the dry rub?

Oh, no, that's barbecue.

Kansas City barbecue and Texas barbecue are more similar than Texas is to Carolina barbecue.

And And then Maryland has its own barbecue, too, which is just pit beef.

That's not really barbecue.

Yeah, but that's included.

In the hierarchy of barbecue, American barbecue.

I don't like that because it's a completely different experience.

Shout out to Chaps Pit Beef.

We should have gone there.

Shout-out rescinded.

No.

This is not.

I'm not approving.

I'm not approving that shout-out.

Come town shout-out.

The Chaps Pit Beef.

Absolutely incorrect.

Same parking lot as the Gold's, the Gentleman's Club.

Yeah.

The Gold Club.

They let you bring the workout.

You can lift weights and stare at girls.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the perfect gym.

We're taking out all the mirrors and putting in windows where a sex-trafficked woman is forced to undress at gunpoint.

Do you lift better with a boner?

With her through a Russian tear.

I saw a video where it's like a guy,

he takes a Viagra.

No, no, he's benching with a woman sitting on his cock.

I mean, not his bare cock.

Oh, that's like a type of porn.

No, no, no.

It's not porn.

He's just, because he's getting stimulated, you know he's got a woman a woman's pussy near him that makes him lift better makes him lift better

like it releases testosterone

and that's why i always lift shirtless doing the bench press getting my dick sucked every time and that's why i've seen the kind of gains that you guys are noticing i downloaded the grand turismo demo the new one comes out in a week Gran Turismo sucks my dick, dude.

Fuck racing games.

That's not need for speed, dude.

Yeah, well, you get that VR helmet, you plug that shit on, you sit out in the living room, you know,

fucking knock all your roommates' shit over.

Yep.

Because you have to punch.

It's a punching.

Yeah, it's a car.

I like.

I always wanted those pedals.

I always wanted the fucking pedals from the arcade.

Oh, I guess, yeah, you can even fucking.

I don't think you can even play this without the VR.

Oh, you can do standard, right?

No, those are color settings.

Oh.

Interesting.

Very cool.

Fucking interesting.

Yeah, I used to like cruise in USA.

Oh my god, I went to fucking Skateland.

Again, shouts out to the Skateland on Putty Hill

with their fucking bullshit-ass pizza that was still delicious as hell.

You ever had that pizza that was just like

flat as shit?

And you could see each individual square of tiny ass cheese?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, that's like cafeteria.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Were we talking about Cece's pizza earlier?

Yeah, you mentioned it.

Cece's somewhere to Did you ever go to a skate land, Nick?

Skate Land?

What is that, a roller rink?

Yes.

It was a a chain of roller rinks in Baltimore.

I think my

my

stepsister used I remember my dad picking her up from a that always seemed gay to me.

Oh, yeah, it was cool.

Roller rink?

Yeah, why would you even ask me if I had done that?

What part what part of me do you think went to a roller skating rink?

You didn't go to birthday parties?

I was kidding to go.

Like, you had fucking you got to do whatever you wanted when you were sitting.

I was never invited to any birthday parties.

I didn't go to a birthday party until I was 27 years old.

Please lying.

You definitely went to some child birthday parties.

Come on.

What was your most memorable party as a child?

For like my birthday?

Your own birthday.

I think we already did this.

We did this.

Yeah, we talked about it.

I had a birthday party at a bowling alley, and I ran into a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in like a year and a half who just happened to be at the bowling alley.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

From the YMCA day camp.

Nice.

The YMCA

Classic day camp.

My main memory from that is one kid trying to blow up a used condom he found on the ground.

He used it for a balloon.

Yes.

Well, yeah, it wasn't like a fresh condom just opened and then discarded.

You never know the fit's not right.

Yeah, and

that happens all the time.

All the time.

By the way, I saw an ad for some Facebook company that was like,

oh, we have the perfect size condom.

Just send, you know, whatever.

It's like, I think they just want cock measurements and they make you like a, they have, like, different size.

I don't want different size.

I don't want to know what size my condoms are.

No, magnum.

Every time.

Yeah.

I know.

I'm comfortable with my double-wide extra long Magnums that I always use.

Just baggy ass magnums.

A little snug.

Yes.

But, you know.

Baggy pants, baggy magnums.

It's fashion.

Magnum Magnums, dude.

Stop.

I got the NBA stitches on all my fucking

condoms, dude.

I got denim.

I saw a pack of denim condoms.

No, you didn't.

Denim condoms?

I didn't know what to make of it.

It was in Greece.

I don't think it could have possibly been made out of denim.

I don't think that'll protect.

It was inside those jeans.

Like, they made it seem like maybe it was a blue condom.

You guys ever use those colored condoms?

Yeah, like they give away at school.

At school, they have like red ones, and like.

Yeah, looks like your dick is bloody.

Your dick is like pink.

Yeah, it's weird.

You know, pinker than usual.

I feel like both of you have pink dicks.

I got a nice tan guy

who's adjusting the saturation on

the image for his

Gran Turismo is more of a photography game than a

striking image.

It's all about the DP work.

Oh, I know a little bit about TV.

Director of photography.

Anyway, colored condoms, where were we?

I remember in seventh grade, they gave those away.

and I beat off into one, thinking, well, any moment now I'll be having a lot of sex.

So I better get used to what condoms feel like on my hard penis.

I remember using a condom one time, and I fucked this girl for like

maybe like 10 minutes or something, and it didn't come, so I just took the condom off and put it in my pocket.

And I kept it in there.

How are you wearing a pocket?

What?

No.

If you were fucking

later,

later.

Later.

I mean, I kept it, I saved it because I'm like, where am I going to get another condom?

Oh, wait, you.

I just had a used condom in my pocket.

Like fucking immigrants rinsing out glad bags with their sandwiches in it.

Right.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Yeah.

Dude, how was um so you fucked it for 10 minutes, didn't come, and you were like, all right, well.

Yeah.

You went home?

No, I mean, I went about my day.

I mean, I had the condom in my pocket for like the next day.

Because you never know when you're going to fuck.

Yeah, and I remember just being at work with that condom in my pocket.

I used to work with a guy.

No, I just working at the grocery store.

Grocery store?

I worked with a guy that had a hole cut in the inside of his pocket so he could jack off his dick while women were in line.

At the grocery store.

Damn.

At a pizza restaurant.

Oh, at a pizza restaurant.

What the fuck?

Well, you got the high counters.

You got the high counters.

It was a good plan.

Was he like a sex fiend?

Kind of.

He was.

Yeah, he was just sort of a piece of shit, I guess.

Damn.

Damn.

So, movies,

reviews.

We're gonna watch Baby Driver after this.

Yeah, I know, so that you can't review a movie you haven't seen.

Well, we can review

what we think it's gonna be about.

Scoot over.

There's enough room.

Nick was currently sitting on his kitchen, was sitting on a hardback chair, and now he's going into lounge mode.

Yeah.

My good friend Ansel Elgort's in it, Jamie Fox.

Who's the sexy woman in Baby Driver?

Is there one?

Tawny Katane.

Oh yeah, dude.

White Snake.

Yeah.

I got a white snake for you.

Nice.

Thanks, man.

That's like, you know, when T-Mac used to throw him off the backboard?

That was cool.

Yeah.

That's what I just did.

You gave yourself the

white snake, and then I said, I got a white snake for you.

I thought you said it was a tam snake.

I mean, come on, man.

It doesn't work for the joke.

Do I gotta fucking teach you everything, man?

It is T Mac.

Oh, guys, shout out to everyone that that came to the show last night.

Oh, yeah, that was a banger.

It was a really, really good one.

And before I forget, the next show is the 23rd of October.

So people say I never tell them when the shows are.

Yeah, well, we did a horrific job this time.

Yeah, we posted the lineup at 4

p.m.

of first p.m.

Yeah, that's our bad.

We're going to be better about it moving forward.

We probably won't be better about it, but

please come to the show.

The show was still very fun, even though we were lazy.

So what do you celebrate celebrate on Columbus Day?

Italian Heritage.

Well, a couple fucking...

You know, a couple nosy tribesmen getting what's what's theirs.

Right, they didn't what they deserve.

Yeah.

But what part of Columbus's life are you celebrating?

I don't understand.

The discovery of America, which he discovered, what, like Dominican Republic or something?

Yeah, uh he's Hispanola.

Columbia, dumbass.

That's why it's named after him.

No, he well, he discovered the Dominican Republic.

No.

Yeah.

He did?

Yeah.

It was named after Charco.

There was a bunch of funny things.

Obviously, someone hasn't seen Narcos,

and they're not familiar with who Christopher Columbus is.

The star Narcos.

Narcos is a show about Christopher Columbus.

Yeah, he was a snitch.

He's a heavy-lidded

Brazilian guy.

Ooh.

Who plays

Pablo

Escobar?

The show is about Christopher Columbus, but he played...

Christopher Columbus Columbus plays Pablo Escobar.

Yeah, Christopher Columbus was the world's first actor.

And he was portraying the role of the drug deal that would happen like 400 years later.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He came.

Christopher Columbus, he sailed from Italy to Mexico.

Right.

Landed in Mexico.

He started acting.

He invented acting.

In Mexico.

And a lot of people say he stole acting from the natives.

That's why they were always nude all the time, is because they were camming.

Yeah, the first

camming.

Yeah.

My name is Struggling Actress.

I am Chief Struggling Actress.

Please look at my wind pussy.

Ten tokens in a hat.

I have pulled all the feathers out of my wind pussy.

The great spirit of tokens will be bestowed upon me if I do my rain dance by placing the Hitachi directly on my asshole until I squirt

the feather and fucking the headdress on and his dick.

Yeah, dude, Native Americans love camming.

That's their whole thing.

I did not know that.

Is that mm.

Yeah, there's like whole on reservation.

No, that was the sound of tokens being d deposited in their account.

I get it.

It sounds exactly like,

wow.

I'm chief molested by.

What the fuck does that have to do with cars?

What was it?

What was it?

So it's just, it's playing all these, like, you know, screensaver images.

And it says, 2012, CERN discovers the Higgs boson.

That made cars faster.

What about this Higgs Bozak?

Yeah, I got a Higgs boson for you.

Yeah.

The smallest particle in the world.

That's what it is, right?

It's an elementary particle.

I think it like splits something and it makes a lot of energy.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

you can fucking watch it, you can observe it, and call it the god particle.

Yeah, what the fuck is that about?

Didn't they say they might have fucked up reality

from the Higgs?

Oh, is that why Donald Trump's president?

I saw a tweet that said that.

Yeah, because of the Higgs boson.

Whose tweet was that?

I couldn't tell you.

Some fucking clown.

I couldn't tell you.

I think it was one of those

they warned us that after they did this, it might alter reality, and they were like, wait a second,

DT, Donald Trump.

And the Patriots being the Falcons.

Yeah, but if you look at

all the stuff that people are upset about are actually good things.

Like, Donald Trump being president is a good thing.

Very good.

I mean, there hasn't been a single negative

consequence.

Business is up.

He's handled Puerto Rico perfectly.

Shootings are down.

He crushed.

One big one.

Considering that there was only one

shooting this year.

It was a doozy.

It was a doozy.

Obama was having stock.

Obama was having fucking shootings every two weeks.

Yeah, well, actually,

let's flip that around.

We all know every shooting is a false flag.

False flag.

Trump doesn't have his shit together, man.

He's only been able to get one false flag.

Well, he's protecting people.

He's not interested in false flagging.

He loves credit too much to do false flag operations.

Oh, that's so good.

It would be great if he just fucks up and he's like,

you know, people are calling him incompetent.

He's like, oh, yeah, well, I'm not going to say anything, but let's just say Steven Paddock had a little bit of help.

So,

from me.

He couldn't have done it without me.

Right.

You think that this whole gun control in Las Vegas was going to happen on its own?

No.

I had to set things up.

I called my buddy Steven.

I know him from Gamblers Anonymous.

I used to bet on Portuguese pussy.

You don't even know what that is.

I don't even remember.

That's how little I care about walking out that riff.

That 38%

taking a check swing on that one.

What is it?

35% of people that love him no matter what.

I think even if they found that out, they'd be like, oh, you know, he ought to do what he ought to do.

What would he have to do to get people to hate him?

Do you think if there was a video of him getting his dick sucked by a baby, it wouldn't be hard to get up.

No,

the numbers would go up.

No, legit.

Of getting a dick sucked by a baby.

By a baby is, yeah, a little fuck.

It's weird to say it that way.

Getting your dick sucked by a baby.

A baby wouldn't know how to suck it.

He's not fucking a baby in the mouth.

Sure.

What about a seven-year-old?

Would that ruin him?

Probably.

How?

16?

I think he's fine.

If he gets caught with his mouth, he'd be great.

16, he'd be fine.

He'd be fine.

He fucks a baby in a mouth, and there's some pollster that's like, we have to gain control of this.

We have to say that he got caught letting a baby suck his dick.

The baby was amazing.

Getting his dick sucked by a baby.

Put the action on the baby.

Frank Luntz would come up with that.

Luntz transforms

Luntz transforms from the cookie jar he lives as normally.

He looks like shit.

He anamorphs into.

He's like a halfway in between.

Like if Pat and Oswald was going to anamorph into a cookie jar, he's like the middle.

Yeah.

Like the middle one.

Right in the middle of the cover of the book.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah, Luntz, baby.

He looks a lot like Lutz from 30 Rock.

That's my take.

Yeah?

Another fat guy.

Remember that show, Third Rock from the Sun?

That was a good

that was that was okay yeah I used to always be

I used to be bugged out that they said that she was a man like in her alien form

she was like

the lady the lady from third rock from the sun third rock yeah it was groundbreaking a manly jaw too like you could you could buy that she was a convincing M to F

she was an alien who assumed a female form

the actual yeah the actual actress yeah that i used to think that when that guy was a kid he was cool jgl yeah and now that he's an adult he's so fucking embarrassing

he's such a fedora guy he was good as the cop and uh what was it bay a batman he was good as oh yeah he was in that and then i didn't see don juan but it's supposed to be good is it about jacking off too much i saw part of it and i'll here's my review scarlet johanson's titties were looking luxurious okay show some respect okay oh right i'm sorry i forgot racine racine Racine thinks she listens to this.

Fuck that, dude.

I will not censor any aspect of this podcast.

I will never say titties aren't luscious.

For the sake of Scarlett Johansson, if you're listening, Scarlett, go fuck yourself.

No, no, no, Scarlett.

What's up?

We're going to comment on your body.

DM me.

Weinstein style, baby.

Did you listen to the Harvey Weinstein podcast?

Did you hear the recording that came out today?

No.

It was rough.

The rest of us don't spend our time furiously Googling a Jewish rapist caught.

Right.

You know,

are they going to find it?

I have a Google alert.

Did they find the Google Doc?

Yeah.

Did they find the email chain?

Yeah, I have a Google alert set up for anytime a Jew is accused of rape.

Did they get the email?

No, he's just like,

he's just talking to this woman.

He's like, don't ruin our friendship.

Please don't ruin our friendship.

He's like trying to get her to come into a hotel room with him.

He's like,

I just need five minutes.

You're embarrassing me right right now.

Come into the hotel.

Yeah.

Dude, it's fucking, it's like, it's really sad.

It's like fucked up.

And he just, what?

He wants massages?

Front massages?

No, I mean, he wanted some fucked up shit.

Apparently, he was doing like Nazi university.

I hope I get caught sexually abusing elderly Chinese men

forced to massage me.

Oh, yeah, you said that the other day.

Would you force a Chinese-made massage?

If I could have.

First of all, I know slavery is wrong, but when it comes to the Chinese,

they love working.

They love it.

They do.

They love to work for nothing.

That's their favorite thing.

You give them a box to live in, and you say, 12 hours a day, get these fucking knots out of my rhomboids.

And

that is heaven to them.

Yeah,

that is peak Chinese existence.

Jade in that box?

Oh, yeah.

I don't even know what that is.

Let them chew on a piece of eucalyptus.

Yeah, exactly.

You treat them like a bug you found.

Just put them in a two-liter.

You get a whole Chinese family.

You can put them in there with some grass and a stick.

They like that.

Oh, yes.

You know?

And then one day they'll turn into butterflies.

That's right.

And by that, I mean Japanese people.

The ultimate form of Asian.

That's just, yeah, that's the Pokemon.

Chinese is number one.

I want to be the very best

type of Asian.

To go from Chinese to Japanese is the thing we all want to do.

Fuck being Chinese.

I wish I wasn't Chinese.

Pokemon!

Woo!

Woo!

Wow, that is, that's, that's high concept.

That's one of our good bits.

Are you mad about it because you weren't involved?

No, fine.

I think it's really funny.

Damn, dude, I'm going to be laughing about that song.

Dude, Asian people are so racist to other types of Asian people.

Yeah, we got a strict caste system.

That's not news.

Yeah, so I like that nobody gives you a news.

It's not news.

Yeah, no people know that.

No, it was on the front cover of the Times today.

What happened in

the British baking show?

That guy turned out to be...

Paul Hollywood?

No, he just went for a party, dressed up like a Nazi, and people are acting like he's a real Nazi.

You know what, though?

I don't know if I fuck with Paul Hollywood, man.

Honestly, I don't fuck with him because of his baking show hosting

technique.

No, he wanted to fuck that girl in season two real hard.

He was skeezy, dude.

Yeah, he's a scumbag.

He's got some Weinstein in him.

He's pulled some Weinstein.

Oh, I'm sure.

Yeah.

You know, he's ass whistling.

He's disgusting.

I hope Adam is successful in the entertainment industry only so those accusations come out.

When they do.

And they will.

I hope you become a very successful millionaire producer or whatever it is.

Oh, yeah.

Just for the accusations.

Thanks.

Thanks, pal.

Yeah.

Thanks for the support.

Thanks a lot.

I mean, I do think it's only fair.

That's just what I think.

Every time a Muslim does terrorism, I think that all Muslims should apologize.

I think every time a Jew does rape, all of a sudden.

All Muslims should apologize.

All Muslims should apologize.

I have to remember the most important.

So, on behalf of all Jews, I'm very sorry.

That's an official statement.

I'm sorry.

It is a shame, though, because Miramax does make some fucking bangers.

Well, his brother.

No, it was political.

His brother wanted him out.

Really?

Yeah, people have known he's a rapist for fucking 40 years.

It's like Cosby.

It's like

this was the convenient time for it to come out that he was a rapist.

The Times had a story.

His brother snitched.

The Times had a story like 10 years ago that got fucking squashed.

Oh, right.

I haven't been following it all, but everyone's mad at Matt Damon for doing it.

Matt Damon squashed it?

Matt Damon.

Jason Born's way into the Times.

He snaps him next.

Yeah, Matt Damon did suck him off.

Yeah.

That's how he got fucking in the middle.

What's his name?

Terry Cruz came forward today.

Yeah, he said he got his cock rubbed at a party.

He's like, yeah, I was at a party last year and some executive grabbed my cock.

I was like, his wife did

him.

You know that's a gay Jewish guy.

That's not a gay Jewish guy.

Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of women being harassed, and then there's a lot of, you know, men, but there's also a lot of men.

Men's rights.

Man's rights.

Men have it worse.

Men have it worse.

Finally, yes, can we get to the important thing here?

We have it worse.

Terry Cruz got his cock touched.

Yeah.

Yeah, which is way worse.

RIP to Debo getting his cock touched.

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's not Debo.

Yeah, in exchange for his role on Friday,

some guy named

Finkel Feike

Jewish Burr sucked him off.

What was that name?

Finkel Jewish Brick.

Finkel Feike Jewish Burger?

Finkel Fike Jewish Burr.

Oh, I know him, dude.

He's at.

He's going to say Finkel Fike Finkel.

Yeah, yeah.

Five-ish Finkel.

Five-ish Finkel.

Yeah, that guy's.

Yeah, you don't want to accuse him.

Poor old.

He's dead, I think.

Is he?

I think he's dead.

Fuck that cockshit.

Yeah, he's a fucking rich.

You know what?

It's time to stand up for what's right.

Have you ever been

sexually

assaulted

in the biz?

Or harassed?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

There's this guy who took me into a hotel room and made me j watch him jack up.

Remember our musical duo?

Really?

No.

No,

my career sucks.

I haven't been.

That's true.

Yeah.

Well,

Nick does rape you.

That's true.

He rapes me

verbally.

No, I'm nice to you now.

Wasn't there a boy band who fucked everyone in the boy?

Like, he would fuck one kid in the boy band.

Yeah, the guy that did Backstreet Boys, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, he fucked.

I forget his name.

Lou Perlman?

Lou Perlman.

The guy that gets accused all the time is

The all that guy

the creator Yeah, the guy that created it.

He's like made like every popular children's show really for Nickelodeon.

Yeah,

and he was he was on that show Head of the class.

He's the fat guy from head of the class Oh that guy?

Yeah

I don't know

It's a bootleg saved by the bell

Yeah, but he was in it's imagine school where the bell never rings.

Is it the fat guy from Goodburger?

He was in Goodburger, too?

Yeah, you know what?

Yeah, he rode Goodburger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The white guy.

The fat white guy.

Kel.

Yeah.

He must have fucked up.

See, that's why Kel got fucked up, because Kel was cuter.

And Keenan.

He was fat the fuck.

Keenan's the most successful all that alum ever.

But there was that lady who was fat, too.

Lori Beth Dinberg.

Lori Beth.

Damn, you had that pool, brother.

Vital information for everyday life.

Lori Beth, well, it's part of his

Jewish rape.

Lori Beth Dinberg Dinberg was a famous Jewish rape.

Lori Beth Dern.

She comes up on all those, like, you know, those advertisements for articles that are like bullshit, you know.

Are they now type shit?

Yeah, well, those, yeah.

But there's one of her as an adult, and it's like, I think she's like, you won't believe what these child actresses look like now.

And then if you look at her, it's like, yeah, I would have believed that.

Yeah, she's right.

She's like a little fatter, but fine.

Well, she looked like she was 40.

She looked way older than the rest of the kids.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

She was in an episode of Workaholics for a sec.

Lori Beth?

About suckaholics in a show about guys who can't stop sucking dick.

That's really.

Are they even workaholics on that show?

Dude, they just had jobs.

It's ironic because they're like slackers.

I don't really like working that much.

I'm confused.

And I watched that shit and I was like, what the fuck?

They're not doing any work.

They're not doing any reports.

That's why I was.

What is going on on this show?

These aren't workaholics at all.

Drain, get in here.

These young men are lying.

They should remake it with Chinese iPhone, guys.

Alice, yes.

Those are real work.

Foxconn guys, yeah.

Those are the real workouts.

They're fucking rations of fucking Chinese.

Fucking Fuzhou playing card factory.

It's a 12-hour long long show.

You're fake, Chinese.

So on point.

Today, Wang got his fucking hand caught in a boxing machine and it's dishonorable.

Don't they have to put nets on the bottom of the

suicide nets?

It's foul balls.

Right.

Danger.

This Mario Factory is falling Chinese men.

Yeah, the foul territory.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Some people have it so easy, you know?

Yeah.

They never have to think about what they're going to do.

Think at all.

You know, they just wake up, you know, wake up, roll over, sit down in the chair, hooked up to the machine.

And just

take your morning crack.

Eat breakfast and shit at the same time.

Yeah.

Which actually sounds pretty efficient now that I think about it.

That would be pretty sweet.

I would love to eat one meal a day.

It's a little bit of hard tack and dry ramen noodles.

Right.

You know,

you jam it all in your mouth.

Use some boys' piss to loosen it up in your mouth instead of chewing on it.

If you want, if that's your style.

Yeah, and then you're good to go for the rest of the day.

Well, once you swallow it, it pushes out the other shit.

That's how it works.

That is actually how the body works.

But I mean immediately.

Oh, okay.

Well, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back with hopefully another half of the podcast.

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Thanks, guys.

I would I want to re-watch The Godfather now.

Oh, I just did in Greece.

It was awesome.

I could play.

Nick wants to do it because when I took guitar lessons,

I fucking...

The only thing I could play was the intro to The Godfather, Slash style.

And also the intro to Guns N Roses?

And also the intro to Sweet Child of Mind.

Hell yeah, dude.

I fucked with Guns N' Roses.

Did you?

Oh, yeah.

Slash had a belly button ring.

Did Did he?

Yeah.

Slash a belly button.

That's a weird thing for the weird thing on a man.

He's Jewish?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's half Jew, half black.

I don't know.

That's what the slash is.

Cordell Stewart.

What are you smashing over there, Nicholas?

I don't know.

Just fucking tuna fish.

What, tuna maya?

Tuna, mayonnaise, and relish.

Put a little hot sauce in that?

No, black pepper, though.

That's nice.

I don't fuck with relish, man.

Relish can suck my peen.

Relish is good.

Tuna with relish, mayonnaise, a little bit of black pepper.

It used to come in these

little packets that had cracker.

Fish in a packet I don't want.

It was like a lunchable, like a bumblebee tuna lunchable.

I didn't know those, but they just fucked me up.

I just love that shit.

That shit, like Gogurt.

Remember Gogurt?

Who the fuck wants yogurt in a tube?

Oh, I like the

tube.

I like the tube shade Greeks.

That's our subway system.

It's go-gurt.

We do paddle.

We paddle boats down yogurt rivers.

I was just there.

That's the Athens Metro.

Yeah, fuck Gogurt.

That shit would get hot in your pocket and shit.

Who puts a Gogurt in their pocket?

You have your luck.

Your problem with Gogurt is that you were stuffing your pockets.

You had a bunch of Gogurt-related accents.

It was too hot, dude.

It was too fucking hot.

Shit would get warm, curdle.

I don't like too much portable shit.

Too much portable food shit.

Packets of tuna seems fucked up.

Fish should be served.

I suppose a can.

I like the cans a little more hefty.

You know?

I don't know.

A packet.

Without form.

I want my food stored in something with form.

I hear you.

And it is weird.

That little wooden spoon.

But you didn't like Capri son.

That's a liquid.

That's a different.

Lunchables are fucking disgusting, but I love that shit when I was a kid.

Yeah.

That was branding, though, I feel like.

Yeah.

Well, I just never had lunchables, so in the rare instance that there is a lunchable available to me.

Yeah.

I remember the same shit.

I was so excited, and then I got that bullshit pepperoni pizza.

I was mad.

Just a cracker.

I got a lunchable.

I just assumed a pepperoni pizza would be hot.

It's a cracker with ketchup.

I was just

annoyed as shit.

Yeah.

And I told my mom, I was like, bitch, don't you ever serve me this again.

What was the other one?

There was like.

I was like, spilled fucking boiling hot water in her face.

It was ham and cheese and crackers.

Was the other one?

That was the original Lunchable.

Lunchable's deluxe.

Really?

Deluxe?

What's deluxe about that?

That's horse shit.

Horse fucking shit, dude.

No, that's charcuterie, dude.

Yeah.

I like a nice charcuterie plate, dude.

Well, you're in the right place for that.

I want to drive the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile.

But I can't because I don't have a college degree.

What?

You need a college degree.

You need a college degree.

Yeah.

To drive the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile.

It's just for like promotional appearances and shit.

Ah, fuck.

No, dude.

That's.

That's how they deliver everything.

That's every single one.

Yep.

The big truck gives birth to a little hot dog.

It's a dedicated staff of people with master's degrees.

MFAs.

Man, I biked to

the like North.

Was it called the North Cove Marina?

That marina down on on like

in Tribeca.

There's a marina.

Oh, yeah, right by the.

There's a fucking

40-meter yacht.

Three or four 40-meter yachts.

That's where I fucking park my yacht.

Yeah.

Those are fucking insane.

I was getting hit from it.

I would love to have that kind of money.

To have

yacht money.

Well, a 40-meter yacht.

I mean, like, a big-ass fucking boat.

You own, like, an element if you have that kind of shit.

Yeah.

I mean,

just out helium to people they're like insurance alone on a fucking big-ass boat like that has got to be like a hundred thousand a year dock fees gas staff docking fees

you need to hire a captain dude captain yeah put his cock in your cock yeah what was that Greek movie we were watching that one time Nick where there was all the guys on a yacht and like having like competitions with each other some comedy that came out two years ago it wasn't funny it wasn't that funny well it wasn't in English

oh we do tons of Greek stuff without me.

You don't watch movies.

We watch plenty.

We don't watch movies.

I wanted to watch Baby Driver, but it's too late, dude.

Yeah, it is too late.

We'll watch it fucking later this week.

I want to watch it.

Yeah.

Hit it the fucking big screen.

I got into Gran Turismo.

My decision.

It's pretty fucking boring.

Yeah, Gran Turismo sucks my hard penis.

It's cool if you have the wheel.

I want the wheel.

Yes.

And the VR, but you have to use your speed, dude, you get little upgrades.

You get cool fucking upgrades.

You get upgrades in Gran Turismo.

Gran Turismo is a.

Is there a

story mode?

What, in Gran Turismo?

Yeah.

Yeah,

you're an Italian man.

You're an Itralian.

You're Itransian.

You get points by sexually harassing women.

Yeah, pretty much.

You start in a Vespa.

You start in a little gay.

There should be like a Paul Newman racing simulator where your son dies halfway through from a drug overdose, and then you get even better.

And then you drive really into racing.

And you win Le Mans.

Dude, he...

salad dressing and racing, dude.

Paul Newman.

Paul Newman didn't race until he was 48 years old.

Damn.

He was like done.

He was already a celebrity from other shit and then decided to get into racing.

He's half a Jew.

But he wasn't like, he wasn't like famous at racing.

He was just famous.

No, he was fucking famous at racing, dude.

No way.

He won Le Mans for his class.

Really?

Yeah.

He was a big ass motherfucker.

He wasn't that good at racing.

Yeah.

Actor, it was fucking

Emmanuel Lewis.

It was Tanya Katane, actually.

It was Jeremy Clarkson from Top.

What's it called?

Top Gear?

Yeah, Top.

No, that guy would be in the good ass celebrity.

How about us?

Are they good at racing, those guys?

How about bottom gear?

Yes.

They drive the cars.

That one time, didn't they, like, have to drive through

the South with the N-word painted on the non-side of the car?

Aren't the Top Gear guys like political correctness has gotten up.

Yeah, no, Clarkson, Clarkson is like a alright guy.

Is he?

Oh fuck, that sucks.

Yeah, he's like, I'm gonna drive my gas car and you pussies can take trains.

I enjoy that show.

The British version, right?

Not the American version.

This is one of the best shows.

I haven't even seen

a fucking one.

Is it like

Matt LeBlanc?

Matt LeBlanc.

No, it's a it's a guy it's a comic that looks like Matt LeBlanc.

Adam Ferrara.

Oh, maybe.

Is that the man vs.

Food guy?

No, that's

Adam.

No, that's Adam Adam Richman.

Richmond.

One time

Eldis got blocked on Twitter by Adam Richmond in college because he kept DMing him and asking to see what his shit looks like.

He was like, how big are your shits?

Can you send me a picture of your shit?

But Eldis wasn't trolling.

He's really just interested.

He really is interesting.

Yeah, I just want to say that.

I think it's one of the worst shits of all time.

I don't know.

No matter what he eats.

It always sticks to the bowl.

It like he fucking splats him up against the fucking side and they streak down.

It looks like fucking the bride of Frankenstein.

You guys have such a weird relationship just seeing each other naked constantly and comparing shits.

I don't compare.

They're brothers, dude.

What do you want me to do?

Not look at his shit?

I don't enjoy that I see his shit.

I would like nothing more than to not know that he's streaked.

Which is why all those fucking like Falken states have to genocide each other constantly.

Because these are the kind of relationships you have.

You, for a fact, will live with Eldis until you move in with the woman you ultimately marry.

Probably, yeah.

You're not gonna get married.

I'll get married.

No, you won't.

Yeah, he will.

No, you won't.

He wants babies.

No, you're gonna die alone.

No, dude.

I mean, I think we all know who in this room is going to die alone.

That would be me.

Yeah, probably Adam.

That would be me.

Just after his wife leaves him when all the rape accusations come out.

Harvey Weinstein's just wife just left him.

That's a perfect way out for her.

Now Harvest.

Now Harvest.

Whatever, dude.

She was definitely covering up rapes, too.

Absolutely.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe she leaves.

She leaves leaves the day that the public at large finds out.

Maybe she wasn't

Cosby.

Everyone knew.

No, she waited like that.

Camille's a ride or die, dude.

Yeah, Harvey Weinstein is in Europe right now.

It's Sex and Dick.

It's more like Camille Ticket, you know?

She's got that.

Yeah, yeah, she's got that Cosby money.

You know what?

Let's go fuck up Weinstein, dude.

He's in Europe at Sex Recovery.

I think he's innocent, dude.

Oh, yeah.

I think he's another white man.

I'm on his side, and I've I've got a screenplay that if

it's about just a tough young kid from Boston that just wants to be a bartender, but he has to murder, he has to join an Irish gang.

And kill a bunch of women accusing a cool

producer.

A cool, innocent producer.

Right.

It's an MRA version of Boondock Saints.

Oh, jeez.

A more

Pooncock.

No.

Poon liar.

Oh, I don't know, folks.

I can't.

I got nothing on that one.

Get your foot off my coffee cup.

It's all on your.

Yes, it is.

Just stop fucking, you know, messing with stuff.

Come on, dude.

Shut up.

What are you upset about?

Did you also just used Mucinex and just left it all over the floor in my bathroom?

No, I didn't use any Mucinex.

Well, who left a box of Mucinex on the floor?

I have no idea.

Sav, was it you?

You look like the guy from the commercials.

So it's probably.

You're the Phlegm monster?

Yeah, my dick is too juicy, so I have to use Mucinex.

I rub my cock with Mucinex to dry it out.

To get the phlegm out of the dick, your dick.

My dick has a cold.

Mom, my dick has...

That's a five-year-old that hit puberty, and his parents haven't had to talk with him yet.

He opens his little dick hole up, and he shoves a bunch of cold.

Well, it's a five-year-old that hit puberty too early, and so his parents haven't had time to explain puberty yet to him.

So he's saying, Mom, my dick has a cold.

It's swollen, and it's

sneezing.

Whenever I think of

Charles, because guess what?

He's gay.

It's fine to be a gay child.

Yeah.

It sneezes.

What do you think of that?

That's pretty cool.

I would like a blowhole right on the top of my head.

Like a dolphin?

Wouldn't it be like in the back?

Wouldn't it be like a bag?

Yeah, but on your back.

Okay, well, here's the hypothetical is I have a blowhole.

I get to choose where it is.

What would you do with it?

What do you mean by I said

I would like to have a blowhole on the top of my head?

Yes, it is.

Scientifically, absolutely.

What would you do with it?

You just like walk underwater?

I would interrupt you with it.

With like your head and your brain.

I would spray fucking water in your head.

Shit would get in your brain, dude.

Yeah, I got water on my brain.

It's not a a big deal.

Dude, no, it would fuck you up.

No, water's good for your brain.

Yeah, I got hydrocephaly.

Would you let some of you?

That's my daughter's name.

Dolphincephaly.

Male dolphins have nasal sex with each other.

They fuck each other's blow holes.

Yo, for real?

Yeah, they have gay.

They're freaks.

Nasal sex.

They fuck each other.

I think they suck each other's cocks, too.

Yeah, they're cool.

I think whales suck each other's cocks.

Or is that elephants?

Elephants, female elephants will eat each other's pussies with their trunks.

It's pretty tight.

That'd be cool to have a trunk.

Yes, I think I got a trunk.

You already did a blowhole.

You had that big schnaws.

Yeah, but I can't pick things up with my trunk.

Yeah, but you can store things in there.

Yeah.

You got like a

key on my nose.

An umbrella.

A small umbrella.

My nose is.

My nose is alright.

It doesn't have a bump.

I'd be self-conscious about my nose if it had a really bad bump.

It is a bump.

It is a pretty bad bump.

No, it really doesn't.

It's pretty straight.

It's good.

No, it's big.

It's big, but it's straight.

It's a pretty bad bump on there.

I'd say

the whole thing.

Don't lie.

Don't lie.

You guys are lying.

Bit aside.

Nick's bit aside, you do have a bump.

Where?

Right here, man.

Yeah.

It's not prominent, though.

It's pretty prominent.

It's miniature.

It's not prom.

Everyone has a nose bump.

I'm saying if I had a big-ass nose bump, my my nose is pretty straight for the most part.

It's fucked up.

I mean, it's fucked up, up, baby.

It's too thick at the end.

Face it.

It's too thick at the end.

Dude, me and

Imperioli, we're big-nosed men.

Imperioli.

Yeah.

But you're not cool like him.

Yes, I am.

In a lot of ways, I am.

He's famous for being in the best TV show of all time, Hawaii 5-0.

The remake or the original?

He's in the remake.

He's like, I think.

Actually, you know what?

No, he's got his own show where he wears a whole bunch of men.

How about Michael?

I'm Queer Leoli.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yo, Tone, I'm fucking sucking a dick over here.

What about Michael?

Please fill my holy.

Alright.

Wow.

A lot of options with that one.

A lot of gay options.

Tone.

So fucking my age.

Michael, I'm queer Leone.

Don, I'm Queer Leone.

Adriana.

You come to me on this.

The day of both of my sons getting married to each other.

I think we've done this.

Yeah, man.

Daughter's transition.

Yeah, yeah.

I wrote that as a sketch that got me a writing job.

There we go, bro.

The trans father.

The trans father.

Which was a smash hit

in

my application.

What a stupid job being a comedy writer is.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's a really dumb world.

It's so stupid.

Yeah.

Fuck, we should fucking kill ourselves, man.

Nah, I'm doing alright.

I'm mad that my bicycle ride got interrupted by a flat tire today.

I had a ways to go.

I'm still thinking about that 40-foot or 40-meter yacht.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My yacht.

I think it's dumb because the the big ass boats still have names, which seems like something that should only happen with the small boats.

Nah, you name a big boat.

Come on.

I don't know.

That seems stupid.

You know, name it like an SS.

Yeah, you

why not?

The big boats get like Titanic.

They get like one-word names.

You know?

Like, not like aircraft.

No, man.

Big yachts have names, like dumb names.

Like, remember the Titans.

That's like a name.

Daddy's Little Secret.

That's Harvey Brown.

That's the rape.

That's the rape, but

wait, like what?

What did you say, Nick?

Like,

usually it's puns.

They do puns with boats.

No, I want something regal, dude.

Yeah.

I want like fucking...

Name it like, I don't know, Pegasus.

That's fucking cool.

Put some wings on the side of that shit.

You'd put wings on your on the side of your boat.

On your m you know, hundred how m how much is the yacht?

A hundred million dollars?

Forty million dollars?

I don't know.

Forty mil sounds right.

That sounds right.

For what?

A yacht.

And what size yacht?

The ones you saw today, sixty meters.

Oh yeah, those are probably in between fifty and a hundred million.

Damn.

That's insane.

What a thing to spend money on.

I mean, if you have that kind of money, why not?

Well, this is a wealth and financial management podcast.

We're talking crypto, we're talking stocks.

Right.

The people that listen to this podcast listen just for our takes on yachts.

You ever get a DuPont registry as a kid?

No.

It's like a magazine for millionaires, and I got it at the grocery store one time when I was like six just because it had like Bugattis and shit in it.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, pictures of McLaren's.

Yes.

And all the advertisements are for like Sharpes

and like Rollies and shit.

Damn.

I just can't imagine being writers.

What?

NDA writers.

Non-disclosure.

Non-disclosure.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can't imagine being a rich man and then wanting to read a magazine for rich people.

Yeah, that's for poor

motherfuckers pretending they're inspirational.

I was literally five years old, and I was like, cool.

I was looking at pictures of Hummers.

You know what?

Rich people are corny as shit, too.

That was back before they did the H two.

That was like when you still had to be like a fucking Humvee.

You used to be a like a millionaire to get a Hummer, yeah.

Everyone had like yellow Hummers for some reason.

Didn't Arnold start?

Arnold was really into Hummers.

Arnold was the first person to have a Hummer.

Well, he was governor.

What a stupid fucking car.

You ever ride in one?

No.

They suck.

Yeah, they look dark.

There's a Hummer around the corner for me, like a burnt orange Hummer, and the guy has all these decals and stickers on it.

And

he's part of a Hummer Club, New York City Hummer Club.

New York City Hummer Club.

The original Hummer or the new one?

It's an H2

or an H3.

No, H3 is a smaller.

Yeah.

I can't wait till the H4 comes out and it's HIV.

And Roman New World.

They didn't quite get it the first couple times.

Yeah.

They're like, we kept trying to make HIV, but it was a car.

We ended up in a car this last time.

Yeah, the government was trying to make the Hummer, and they accidentally killed everyone in the

Shhmats.

What, the Hummer?

Yeah.

I think so.

I forget.

I forget what the...

Because the original ones were made by, I think, the American Motor Company.

It was bought by GM?

Yeah, what?

The H2 was made by like, yeah, by like Jeep or something.

I can't remember the details.

Jeeps can suck me off.

Yeah, Jeeps are fucking gay, dude.

You gotta be a real asshole to drive a Jeep.

Jeep wave?

Because fucking losers wave at each other because they're both in Jeeps.

Yeah.

It's like a well-known phenomenon.

One of my dumbest fucking little dickest friends from growing up, Tommy, has a Jeep.

And he was so broke.

Like a Wrangler?

Yeah, like a Wrangler.

Or a Cherokee.

A Cherokee is just a normal SUV.

I don't know.

Like the ones that have the fucking...

There's no top.

Yeah, Wrangler.

Yeah.

You know what pisses me off?

When people say jeep when they mean SUV

oh yeah when they call it a jeep that's it that's the thing people do that's a colloquial thing is people say jeep instead of SUV

yeah they're well they're like what kind of what kind of jeep is that you know what that's a Greek thing or I guess European they call because I think the only big cars they ever saw were jeeps for some reason well they the jeeps were the jeeps and then fucking I think the first SUV was Range Rover

and I think the first Range Rover was just some fucking British guy took his Jeep,

and then, yeah, like put a new carriage on it or something.

That's how Range Rover got started.

Zipaki, they call him Lil Jeeps.

Jeep.

What the fuck does Jeep mean?

Is that some guy's name?

Yeah.

It was an Indian guy.

Sanjeep.

The Jeep here?

Yeah.

Jeep me off.

Please, could you jeep me off?

I would love so very much for you to jeep me off.

That's when you fucking get a rusty trombone in a Jeep.

Something like that.

You got your ass eaten while getting jerked off?

That's the only way to do it.

What, you just got your ass eaten by itself?

Yeah.

Have you gotten ass eaten?

Yes eaten.

Have you had your ass eaten, Nick?

Yeah, of course.

I feel like I have some catching up to do.

It's only been a handful of times.

Godspeed to the woman that ventures into Stav's fucking cavernous ass.

What?

She, Mother Teresa.

Yeah,

speaking of needing a fucking blowhole, that's somebody that would need a blowhole.

Who me?

No, a woman

stuck to your ass in your ass.

Debris out of it.

Yeah, right.

A blowhole would be great.

It would take about 45 minutes to retract your head from your ass trees.

We're already halfway into the the forest here.

It'd be like that scene in Ace Ventura 2 or the rhinoceros.

It's giving birth.

Yo, no joke.

I've been biking, and that shit fucking basically is penetrating me.

This is

up my ass, dude.

My cheeks are fucking shit.

You should get a brook saddle.

Is that the good shit?

That's the good shit.

Really?

Yeah.

You should just fucking weld a chair to your bike.

Fucking wide ass.

You should get a

recumbent bicycle.

That's for like fucking old people and like.

And people that can't use their legs.

Yeah,

paralyzed grandmas and me what is that dude

sit back and there's just dumb flags on there yeah

what the fuck is even the point of that what the flags pretend you're not fucked up to pretend you can have a normal life to get exercise go places first of all bitch I have a regular bike so I know what you were fucking getting at I wasn't getting at anything you were asking what the point of it

and I know what you meant I was just smiling because I like

the implication being I don't get exercise but what the fuck is the whole how do we get started here?

I was talking about my bike that I yeah, dude, you biked an hour here.

I biked an hour here.

I'm gonna bike an hour home and I ripped it out.

I bike like 20 miles today.

That's good shit, baby.

Yeah.

I bike, you know what?

I bike to therapy and back, and I biked here.

I'm pretty close to that.

That's not bad, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Therapy upper west.

It's funny, too.

You're probably going to get fatter from the bike because it's like a bike doesn't require that much energy expenditure.

It's like pretty fucking easy to get around.

So you think you're doing all this extra work and you're like not really.

Yeah, compared to doing literally no exercise.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

For me, though, I mean, like, I used to like walk 10 miles a day.

That's probably better exercise than biking 20 miles.

You haven't been doing that recently, though.

No, I walk a lot.

You bike to the west side and then all the way up to Inway?

I biked to, I took the, I went to downtown Brooklyn, and I took the Brooklyn Bridge over,

and then

I went to the Staten Island Ferry.

Oh, yeah.

I got lunch in the financial district, and then I rode up

whatever that bikeway next to the West Side Highway is, all the way up to like

a ride.

All the way up to Dykeman.

To Dikeman?

Yeah.

What number is that?

It's probably like 200 something.

Oh, shit.

So you're at Inwood.

That park up there is a nice one.

I mean,

it's the top of

Manhattan.

Yeah, yeah.

That park up there is really nice.

Fort Tryon.

Yeah, it was past that.

Yeah.

Fuck that shit, dude.

You got to bike uphill.

I don't like going uphills.

I like that.

See, that's exercise.

That's good.

I break up to Queensborough.

That shit sucked me off, dude.

It hurt my little.

Dude, my legs are going to get ripped as hell.

You think I got big fucking tree trunks now?

Just you wait, dude.

I'm going to have beautiful definition on my fucking bag.

I can't wait until you

start fucking just devouring candy after your bike rides.

And I'm eating clean.

Okay, I'm meal prepped.

I hit fucking Price Club or Costco with Eldis this Sunday.

You know?

What did you get?

Bro, salmon, cod.

Man, the Costco deal on salmon.

It's good.

Great deal.

I want to find somebody that's got a membership.

I have a membership.

Give me one of those salmon fillets.

The wild Alaskan salmon.

Because how do I get to Costco?

Buy a car.

Yeah, yeah.

You can afford a Costco.

That's a good plan.

For Costco.

Buy a car to go to Costco.

I don't know, get a fucking car to go, dude.

Yeah, get a little mini Cooper shit,

pop, you know, stack it full of salmon fillets.

Yeah.

Get 40.

Then return the car,

reeking of fish.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't like it.

No, I gotta fucking

receipt.

You go and you get a test drive.

Yeah.

Every time you need to go to Costco, go to a different dealership.

Yeah.

Sir, where are we going?

I gotta see how well the car handles fish.

It's part of the test drive.

Yeah, well, I'm testing what I'm going to be using the car for, which is going to Costco and then returning the car afterward.

So either you let me do it on the test drive, or I kill you.

Oh, shit, and then you pull out a big ass

a fucking giant guy, dude.

You pull up the bag.

A 44 Magnum with one of those long-ass barrels.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Desert Eagle.

Blamo.

That's what you get.

Yep.

Oh, fuck.

I think.

Would you commit a murder?

How would you do it?

How would I

carefully?

Very nice.

Sniper, would you snipe him?

Or would you want to be up close?

I wouldn't want to like.

It depends on what kind of person I'm killing.

This is a contract thing.

Like, I have to kill him.

So it's not somebody I know.

Okay, one answer for contract.

You don't know them.

The second one is your greatest enemy.

I wouldn't kill my greatest enemy.

Well, you have to.

Yeah, you need your greatest enemy to be alive so you can exist.

You have to kill your fucking

kids.

I would find a way to ruin their life.

No, that's not.

I think that's more put.

If he lives, he fucks your wife.

He fucks your son.

I don't have a wife.

I don't have a son.

It's hypothetical, you do.

So you have to stop him from fucking your wife.

I guess then what I do is I put poison in my son's ass.

And then I say, do your worst.

Perfect answer.

Yeah.

Please, fuck my son, said the spider to the fly.

Oh, that's amazing.

That's really good.

All right, Adam, how about you?

I wouldn't want to feel like a man dying with my hands.

Strangulation seems awful.

Also, let's stop pretending you have...

I don't have to strangle anyone.

Right.

The proper...

You have to use tools to open a stick of butter.

You have pliers, I want to make it open.

Yeah, right.

Do you have the butter unwrapping thing?

I need to use a sticker.

Who the fuck are you talking about?

You know the thing that helps you open a butter wrapper?

I can't do it with my hand.

I need to butter wrapper on opener.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, now I want candy after threatening you with it.

I'm not going to eat it, dude.

Whatever that shit you wanted me to put in the freezer the other day looked good as shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, sometimes I just fantasize about needing to take a plane somewhere so I could eat those stroop waffles that Delta offers.

They're so good.

Fuck.

Yeah, they're great.

Yeah.

Amsterdam?

Yeah.

I was going to do a joke pronunciation, but then I didn't halfway through, so I just said alms.

Yeah, how about this?

Clamsterdam, right?

That's what it was when I was there, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eating that rotten ass pussy.

I'm going to stick my finger in the dice.

I was like, yeah, get those fucking wooden shoes off, bitch.

Yeah.

I'm about to eat that fucking

pull that wooden ass butt plug out.

The clog-ass butt plug out.

Yeah, clog makers make it butt plugs, though.

Oh, yeah.

My favorite part about fucking a woman from Amsterdam

is when the clock strikes 12 and your dick gets pushed out by a bunch of tiny dancing people.

And then they all go back in her pussy and you can start fucking her again.

Yeah, that is a pretty cool piece of it.

Oh, I have a cuckoo pussy.

I forgot to tell you, but I have the cuckoo pussy.

They come out of her pussy and go in her ass.

Hell yeah, baby.

Sweet.

Damn, I want a stroop waffle.

That shit is smoking.

Was Amsterdam good?

You just smoked weed?

I loved Amsterdam.

I want some ice cream.

I was in Amsterdam.

I bet you we could do a show in Amsterdam.

We could do a show in London.

We had a guy from London at the show last

year.

And he said, you should throw a show in London.

Aye, bruv.

Come on, Avie and do me a show.

Right.

And he had a monocle and a top hat.

Yeah.

We would probably do O2 Arena, I would guess.

Yeah, we could probably do that.

Yeah.

Either that or Wembley Stadium.

Or we could just play Big Ben.

Yeah.

We're at the top.

Oh, like the Beatles roof.

The Tower of London.

Yeah.

The fucking metal show in the Tower of London.

Buckingham Palace.

Fucking Ham Palace.

Buckingham Palace.

Fucking Clam Palace.

Fucking Clam Palace.

That's cool.

Oh, yeah.

We're just fucking the pearls off that old bitch, the queen.

I want to

change it too.

I want to stick my dick down the top of one of those Buckingham Palace Guards hats.

Yes.

You know, the Marge Simpson hat.

It probably does feel good.

It's really soft.

Yeah,

they got a hole in the top.

That's why those guys can't talk.

They can't move.

Yeah, because they've been fucked

through their head hole, their blowhole.

They got a blowhole, too.

Every single one of them.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's how they choose them at birth.

Yeah.

Blowhole boys.

Well, yes, we should go.

Don't drink that.

That's mine.

Shouts out to the guy from England.

I asked you to get me.

No, there is one.

You know, there's one.

Shout out to the cuties out there, you know.

The cute British boys.

Why are you drinking my medicine, dude?

Shouts out to the girlies that came out to hey, DM me.

Snapchat me your titties.

Don't Don't pull a Harvey Weinstein over here.

Huh?

Don't pull a Harvey Weinstein over here.

Yeah, if you, yeah, I'm threatening the podcast.

If I don't get titties,

we will kill Adam and then we can't do the podcast.

Yeah.

Well, I'm considering myself dead.

Adam, what happened to your plan to get a motorcycle?

Is that really your plan?

I have to pay a bunch of taxes.

He says

he's going around for a while saying, you know, I think about getting a motorcycle, like, when he says that we're all supposed to be like, cool.

You know, imagining

like a damn watermelon.

It's going to fucking run away from you as soon as you try and ride the thing.

It's like a fucking wild stallion.

You got to break the motorcycle, dude.

And it will not respect you.

I think I would be pretty cool if I got a motorcycle.

No,

the lowest tier of motorcycle riding masculinity necessary is Russian girl.

And you were a couple of levels below Russian girl.

That's not true.

Russian girls ride motorcycles?

Yeah, dude.

Julia, Julia, beautiful Julia is going to ride up on a fucking my wife, my beautiful wife, Julia.

Maybe I get a She's doing vlogs now.

Hello, today is my workout.

You can see with the bench press.

Okay.

Did you cut a hole through your jeans?

Yeah, I cut a hole in my iPhone so I could

fuck my iPhone while watching Julia Vinn's videos.

It's weird.

I never do that with porn.

Only Julia Vinn, I had to destroy my iPad

so that I could fuck it.

These wires.

That sounds horrible.

Yeah.

Oh, these

damn wires are fucking up your pussy.

Your beautiful, cold Russian robotic pussy.

My pussy muscles have become hard from Chernobyl.

Is she from Chernobyl then?

Julia?

Where's that?

Belarus?

I don't know.

You're asking this because you already know the answer.

I don't know.

I was literally asking.

I don't know.

Belarus.

That means beautiful Russia.

It's the Italian part of Russia, yeah.

Oh, man.

Russia seems like a fucking nightmare, dude.

It seems like it would suck.

I feel like I would do well there.

You probably would.

I feel like they don't get the sun there.

When I think of Russia, I don't have vitamin D supplements.

I don't need that shit.

When I think of Russia, I think of I don't eat the fucking sun.

You think of what?

Gray.

What kind of food do they eat there?

They eat like.

Who the fuck is Ray?

Gray.

Oh, Gray.

Yeah.

I thought you thought of one guy named Ray.

Yeah, Ray Romano.

Yeah, that's what I legitimately think of.

I think of Ray.

He doesn't make any funny.

Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.

Raymond.

Are you.

Are you going back to Russia, Raymond?

No!

Is that how he sounds?

He has a milk voice.

I want to.

I'm going to imperson members of Pussy Rocket.

That's good.

Is that how Raymond talks?

Lois.

Lois.

Who was the dad on that?

Who played the dad?

Peter Boyle.

Peter Boyle.

Yeah, that's right.

Young Frankenstein.

Yes, yeah.

Yep.

He ruled.

He was great.

He fucking had

Eddie Coyle on it.

He was in a bunch of shit in the 70s, and he turned down the role of Popeye in French Connection.

He could have been fucking

the Gene Hackman character in French Connection.

It's crazy he looked like.

He turned down the role because he did a movie called.

Because he respected Popeye.

He did a movie called Joe, I think it was,

where he plays like a fucking just like a union guy in New York, and he hates like the fucking hippies or whatever, so he kills a bunch of hippies.

Oh, that rules.

Yeah, and

then I guess the response to the movie was people were like, yeah, fuck those hippies.

Like, he didn't like that as an artist or whatever.

So he's like, I'm never going to be in a violent movie again.

And he turned down French Connection and then proceeded to be in nothing but like crime movies and shit.

Damn.

Right after that.

He looked about 65 in like 1973.

That's funny how guys like that go like real smooth bald on the top.

Guys don't go bald like that anymore.

I guess they shave.

They all shave it down.

Nobody has a horseshoe anymore.

The horseshoe is a good look.

I wish I had it.

Why don't you do it?

I have this weird fucked-up Manu Ginobli balding pattern.

Oh, it's like in the middle too.

It's in the back, dude.

Yeah, just slowly coming up from from the back.

I want the front out.

I would fucking rock a horseshoe.

I'm going to have dumb hair at some point in my life.

I'm going to have a fucking ponytail.

Bald mullet.

Fuck, dude.

That's going to be awesome.

Nah, you got to just shave your head.

I mean, I will for the majority of my life.

If you're going bald, you just got to shave your head.

There will be a fucking...

You look at the two websites that say, like, oh, well, look, Jason Statham did it.

And so did

who's the other guy that's bald?

Bruce Willis.

And then you convince yourself that you're going to have the success that those two did.

I want to look like Bruce Willis.

That's the problem.

I get stopped.

People are like, Are you Jason Statham?

Yeah, yeah, excuse me.

Boy, East.

Yeah.

It is me.

God, that was.

Honey, come here.

It's Jason Statham.

All the way from South Africa, where he's from.

That's not South Africa.

His Canadian accent.

I'm Jason Statham.

Jesus Christ.

Woo!

Woo!

Yeah, fire it up.

God damn it, I don't want to bike home.

It's midnight.

It's midnight right now.

It's rough.

I'm struggling.

I'm tired of shit.

I've had such a bad headache the last 20 minutes.

I depleted all my glycogen going for my big bike ride.

What is glycogen?

It's

the energy

that you need to live.

You know?

Someone skipped biology.

Yeah.

I thought that was ribosome.

Endoplysmic

reticulum.

Mitochondria.

Mitochondrial DNA, you fucking

worm.

Mitochondria.

You fucking squiggly little ass fucking pink worm.

Mitochondria.

Was that like somebody's name?

That was my friend mitochondria.

I just know whose titties I saw.

I don't know.

Is there any?

We had a weird.

There was one girl on the lacrosse team, and she showed us her titties in a weird team bonding thing.

Like the whole.

You were on the girls' lacrosse team?

Yeah, yeah, I was the only one.

Yeah, I snuck in.

She was the only one.

I played Holy, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

What are the lacrosse positions?

There's forward.

Yeah, it's Rich Faggot.

Sorry, Attackman.

Yeah,

Rich Faggot, Date Rape, Date Rapist.

Date Rape, yeah, prep schoolboy.

Secretly gay guy that jerks off to all his teammates.

Yeah.

Token fat guy.

All right.

I don't know if this is going anywhere.

One black guy.

Do black people play lacrosse?

There's always one.

There's always one.

No, they're just named lacrosse.

DeAndre lacrosse.

They don't play lacrosse.

I knew Black LaCrosse.

I mean, most of the kids on my team were black.

Did you play Lax?

I laxed it up in eighth grade, basically.

You played Black Ross?

I played Black's Cross.

La Crosse is big in Maryland.

Oh, yeah.

Mid-Atlantic.

Oh, yeah.

We didn't even have it when I was growing up in Vegas.

Where do they have, like, varsity DJing?

Vegas ads?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, we do.

Yeah, I'm on the dubstep team.

Is dubstep still around?

I think it's dubstep.

That seems like a Vegas thing.

All the shittiest types of music are for Vegas.

Industrial?

That seems like it was big in Vegas.

I don't know about that.

It's true.

I think it was pretty much

a bad shit and I got a bike an hour.

Yeah.

I ate my hard-boiled eggs already.

Get an Uber XL, dude.

Throw your shit in there.

It would be like $40 fucking dollars.

Yeah, it would be mad expensive.

I'm going to fucking bike like a big dick savage.

Or you can just take the train.

Take the bike on the train.

Yeah, when I get that flat tire, I checked

to get a lift back home and it was fucking $100.

Jesus fucking Christian.

From way up the top of Manhattan.

Yeah.

It has a topic.

That's brutal.

That's like a fucking plane ticket to Cabo.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's like a fucking, yeah, it is.

It's a one-way plane ticket to Cabo, San Lucas, which we will be giving away to one audience member next week.

Funny moms.

Come on, everybody.

We won't be there, but check out the bar.

It's cool.

You know, you can ask around for us.

I think I left a free game on the

Gopher pinball machine.

I got the high score when we were there the other night.

Put my initials in, C-U-M.

Very nice.

Well done.

Frederick Presentus.

Yeah, that was a fun show, for real, though.

Yeah.

Really fun show.

Evan fucking crushed.

Evan's so funny.

Yeah.

He's looking a little fat, though.

he's fat as shit.

He's fat and also frail.

Yeah.

Does it feel good to talk to Evan instead of us like someone else that really appreciates devoting your life to physical fitness and strength?

I'm not devoting my life.

I go to the gym three times a week.

That's so that's devotion.

That's no

it's it's funny.

It's it's nice to like circumvent your snide like sarcastic.

I'm not being snide.

Why are you being so fucking defensive, dude?

I'm answering your question.

Jesus Christ.

Dude, before the show yesterday, Nick, some guy had nuts, and Nick was like, that guy's nuts.

And I'm like, oh, good one.

And then Nick just turns to me.

He's like, I'm not fucking going to put up with your fucking bullshit, snide, fucking egotist.

I was just like,

that's exactly what I said.

What did you say?

I was like, listen.

I'm not in the mood for your fucking snide.

I jokingly said.

No, you did.

I jokingly said it.

Of course I jokingly said it.

I was making fun of you in front of people and they laughed at you.

No, it was just in front of Stav.

And Zav laughed at you.

No, he said.

And everyone else laughed at him.

No, he said, I can't imagine.

And

Evan was there.

That's difficult.

Evan was there, and he laughed at you, too.

In fact, everyone was laughing at you, Adam.

No one was laughing at me.

And you didn't say that.

And first they ignore you, then they laugh at you.

And then that's sort of the end of your story.

I thought Hollywood success and then subsequent failure.

What quote is that?

First they'll laugh at you, then the joker,

The joker.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I said nothing because they never laughed at me.

Yeah.

But then

you're going to fuck the Jews.

You're mixing up two quotes.

No, no, I think that's right.

What was this thing in the Washington Post calling Tallahassee Totes a

white supremacist?

What?

I don't know.

So that sounds stupid.

Yeah.

My review, good article.

Mind bad.

Yeah.

You're listening to the politics.

The politics corner.

Yep.

This is like a cross-fire

salt debate show.

You're watching the McLaughlin group.

The Sarah McLaughlin group.

That'd be a fun show.

That's so funny.

That'd be so funny.

The Sarah McLaughlin group is just a dog fight.

Oh, my God.

Let the man kill somebody.

Yeah.

What about Sean Bell?

That's the premise of that joke.

Is that Sean Bell died, so Michael Vicks should be able to murder Dawes.

Dude, Steve Harvey rules.

That's a good point.

I love him just hornily hitting on every fucking woman on Family Feud.

I like to imagine that he's a superhero.

That that's like

a costume that he's wearing.

Or he's a superhero.

You know how Batman is sad he has to pretend he's a dickhead like Bruce Wayne?

Is he sad about that?

Yeah, I think so.

I thought, like, Batman's struggle was that he was too much of a pussy to fuck Rachel.

That's a big part of his struggle, which is crazy.

You know, he would fuck her.

Would he?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, he knows karate and shit.

He's got a fucking black suit and shit.

That car.

What?

Fuck Alfred.

Hell yeah.

Where the fuck is this going to end, man?

I'm so tired.

Is this purgatory?

How long do you think we just keep going with this fucking bullshit?

I don't know.

I just feel like we should go until

it's been an hour, and then that's usually how it goes.

I feel we've done more than an hour.

We've been doing like an hour 15 lately,

just to play it safe.

I feel like it's okay

for the

girls that are.

If the episode's gonna be bad, it should at least be three and a half hours long.

That is

funny.

We should just do one merit.

We should do some kind of drama.

Anyhow, what was Batman's deal?

I don't know.

Isn't this Rachel?

You said Rachel.

Isn't that Rachel?

Rachel!

Isn't he always saying that?

Yeah.

Is it some dumb bitch named Rachel?

Maggie Gyllenhole.

Oh, yeah, they replaced.

They replaced the other one with her.

Oh, I fucking hate that scene in the dark night when they're like interrogating the Joker and she's like, fucking...

Or no, the Chinese guy.

They got the Chinese guy in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's like going in and out.

And then, I mean, you know, every movie has to do it where they explain things.

But then he's like, you know, Harvey Dent's like, oh,

if he admits to, like, you know, this, and we can get him on Rico.

And then she's like, Rico, that means if we can charge one of them, we can charge all of them as part of a conspiracy.

And it's like,

yeah, everyone knows what Rico laws are.

She's a lawyer, dude.

The lawyers would know what Rico laws are.

They wouldn't fucking.

Wait, she works for Harvey Dent, right?

Yeah.

Well, they fuck, too.

Ooh.

And that's why Batman's pissed.

That's the real Weinstein, dude.

Good one.

Batman movies are all about.

Good one, Weinstein.

Nice one, Weinstein.

About love triangles, you know.

Ultimately, Joker wants to...

Joker wants to fuck Alfred.

Absolutely.

Alfred wants to fuck Bruce, yeah.

Master Bruce.

I've always wanted to have sex with you.

I want you to dawn dominate me.

When your parents died, the first thing I knew I was going to do is fuck you in the ass.

Master Wade, if I could just

fuck you one time, please.

Master Wade.

Hey, guys,

some men just want to bend a little boy over and burn his ass.

You're the gay guy.

Got from these.

Oh, boy.

Where are we at?

yeah, I think we're good.

Nice.

Yeah, we can wrap this up here.

Tuna fish review.

It tastes like shit.

I might eat a can of corn.

You and corn.

Right, but dude, I fucking love corn, and I love canned corn.

Why?

It's so simple.

It's so much easier than on the cob.

Cob isn't user-friendly for you.

No, dude, I don't like it.

I don't like rotating my foods.

You know?

That's why I don't eat fruit.

Outside of bananas.

I wonder if that fart picked up just now.

It sounded like a wheeze.

You ever see the Kirk Cameron specials?

He goes under the water and shit?

No, where he fucking explains that

God.

Prove that God is real.

By the way, a banana fits in your hand.

Yeah.

Yes, I have.

Yeah.

That's just just proof that God's gay.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

What kind of God would make fruit?

A gay God?

That's it.

A total fruit.

Yeah.

It's sweet.

You know, a straight God, everything would taste like fucking

slim gems and push.

How about this?

A chimp can chew your dick off and tear your eyeballs out.

Isn't that proof that God exists?

If we came from chimpanzees, why don't I have the ability to rip people's hands off?

Absolutely.

That's my argument against evolution.

At what point would it have been decided in the evolutionary process that being able to rip people's hands off is not a desirable trait?

Yep.

Thank you.

How did that get bred out of us?

What do you have to say about that, God?

Nothing?

Because you wait, no, I know the other

God's against revolution.

What do you have to say about that?

Neil de Guinness.

Neil de Guinea.

Yeah.

Now get over here so I can rip your fucking hands off.

That's what I'd say to him.

We were having our debate series:

chimp versus God.

And it's, yeah.

And it's not racist because

that doesn't correspond to the two people.

Oh, right, yeah.

It's us on the poster.

Chimp versus God.

You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I just met.

No,

So, me and the ultra grandchild

I didn't mean to put Jim under him and God under me.

That was the graphic designer's.

That wasn't my point.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, I want that stroop waffle so bad.

Don't persevere, brother.

I like, you know what?

It's delicious and it sounds like a German weapon.

That's what I like about it.

You know?

You're just mowing down Tommies with your stroop waffle.

Yes, yes.

That's what I would do.

All right, well,

I should go to bed.

Yeah, I'm pretty fucking tired.

All right.

Goodbye, everybody.

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