Ep. 67 – Los Secundos Episada De Hake FLorjes

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Let's get ready to rumble, sports fans.

You're listening to the number one MMA podcast hosted by comedians that only do bicep curls.

I've taken one adult karate class, and now I've I've convinced myself that I am a mixed martial artist expert.

And the source for UFC News is my comedy podcast where I occasionally say the N-word.

Problem?

Yeah, well, if you got a problem, take it up with the logo of the show, which is like

Calvin pissing on himself.

Is Calvin pissing on his own career?

He's pissing up in the air, and then it's coming back down into his own mouth.

Yeah.

And it's like a Joe Rogan, like, blow your mind.

Me.

My badass, edgy New York comedian podcaster logo is Calvin pissing gasoline onto a bridge.

Yeah.

Expand your mind.

What age is it where you become a UFC expert?

I believe it's when you turn 30.

Exactly.

Is that like a NW5 male pattern baldness hair pattern?

You have to be at that level.

And you're like, well, my testosterone's peaking because my fucking leptin sensitivity is all fucked up and my body's shit.

Because, like,

I'm a fighter now.

I could have been.

I didn't do any of the karate when I was younger.

So now I'm an older guy.

I imagine myself as sort of a trainer type to these young men who want nothing to do with me.

With like basketball and shit, it's like people that used to play the actual sport, but with like UFC has been around for like 10 years or some shit.

Right.

So it's just Joe Rogan

for no reason.

Well, Joe Rogan did karate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Karate's bullshit.

Is it?

Yeah.

Karate is just a general term for fighting.

Is that it's Nick's general term for fighting.

Any fight is going to fight with somebody at a bar, you're like, hey, man, let's not, you don't want me to do karate at you right now.

That's how you.

Yeah, kind of.

Here's a good one to stump pretty much any

mixed martial artist.

ask them karate is that chinese or japanese and they can't tell you well it's all racist white guys yeah they don't know no one knows what karate is it's all white guys wearing white gis and shit and standing like very like centered and shit kung fu now that's chinese

kung fu is chinese karate actually was italian it came over with marco polo they gave him spaghetti and he gave them karate karate

karate yeah yeah yeah i thought i'd buy it so where did that game marco polo who came up with that The guy, Marco Polo.

He was a huge.

That's how he was.

You're going to have to do better than that for that bit, Adam.

You're going to have to come up with a better, funnier answer than Marco Polo is who came up with Marco Polo.

It's not funny.

It's just the facts, ma'am.

And that's what this show is all about today.

I was about to jump on that bit, and it's going nowhere.

Go ahead, jump on him.

We got time to kill, brother.

I don't know.

Something about how he was like, he was going into the sea,

playing Marco Polo, and then you see where I'm going here.

It's not good.

The bit itself is, it is like Marco Polo, if you think about it.

Joe Rogan, Mind Explosion.

I hope this thing doesn't run out of fucking batteries while we're doing this.

I don't know.

I misplaced.

I use...

Here's this.

I don't want to go too far because we've got the tech stuff coming up later.

The tech review.

Review corner.

I use Panasonic Eneloop Pro rechargeable batteries, and I misplaced the batteries.

So I'm down to one set.

I don't know what happened to all my batteries.

You think I took them or something?

I mean, why'd you look at me, though?

Why'd you look at Adam like that?

Because I.

I mean,

if someone is

that likes taking things that don't belong to him, I like

what?

What if I ever the West Bank, for example?

I didn't take that.

Culturally, that's your people's fault.

But yeah, so we're down to one bar in the battery.

If the battery dies,

you know, we'll do the rest of the show whenever I can go pick up more batteries.

Has a one bar ever lasted us an hour?

Sometimes.

I mean, the fucking, it's not very accurate.

Okay.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

What we forget we neglected to speak about on the last one, Rich Piana.

Rest in peace.

Dead.

At the natural death age of 46 years old, when most people die, cause of death, haircut.

Getting his hair cut by his girlfriend.

You always want to go to a salon.

You know, if you let some dumb bitch cut your hair wrong, boom, your brain explodes from uh uh an opioid and and steroid cocktail.

Uh-huh.

Um Jake, do you know who Rich Piano is?

No, I thought his name was Piano when I read the the thing.

He's a b he's a weightlifter, right?

Uh yeah, he's a bodybuilder.

I don't know anything anything other than I googled him when I when I looked at the

show map we're using.

He's like a big swole weird tattoo.

Oh, you didn't even know about that until I handed you this piece of paper.

Nah, but I

put it together because I heard somebody talk about him a couple days ago.

So I kind of got a vague cursor understanding.

He's like an internet moron.

Yeah, you could call him that.

Okay.

I guess.

Is he cool?

Do we like him?

I can't tell.

An Italian gem.

No, he's funny to laugh at.

Okay, that's what I thought.

And now people are trying to be like, come on, he's dead.

It just makes it funny.

This is a guy you've been saying for years.

It's like, this guy's going to die.

Yeah, right?

Like, why?

Why is it when Saw the Jew dies, we're like, for real, though, he did some good things.

Yeah, right.

Like, when Blake Midget dies, I'm not going to be like, oh, what a tragedy.

It's going to be like, well, Blake did it, guys.

Blake did the thing he was desperately trying to do for years.

And he died

in a sleeve cutting off accident.

He tried to cut his sleeve.

He flies to Zamora and spiced into his own heart.

Damn.

Ah, shit.

Can somebody drive me to the hospital?

I tried to cut my sleeves off.

I was bartending and I cut off my fucking arm.

I was using a broken, I smashed a beer bottle over my head, and I was using a broken glass to cut my own arms off.

And then I got to get it back in shape.

You told me one time the way to do a Blake Midget impression is just gay Duke Nukem.

Yeah.

I think about it all the time.

Right.

It's just an octave hype.

I'm going to rip off your balls and suck off your dick.

Oh, man.

I'm here to suck dick and chew bubble gum.

And I'm all out of gum.

Yeah.

So what's up with this rich piano?

So, yeah, he died while he was getting a haircut from his girlfriend, as Nick just said.

How did he really die?

From like years of doing, he's been doing steroids since he was 16.

So 30 years of steroid use.

His mom was a bodybuilder.

So he's like some, you know, I guess Italian kid that just is in love with his mom, wants to have sex with his mom.

Typical Italian tradition, and then became a bodybuilder

immediately.

I guess age eight is when he got started.

And then the thing I don't understand is about using steroids when you're 16 is like,

or you are, like, I just remember being 16 and all I could do was jack off.

You have so many hormones in you, you have to cum them onto your mom's carpet in her apartment immediately, all the time, every day after school.

Yeah.

You can't help but get rid of all the extra testosterone.

Why are you doing steroids?

Just eat your own cum.

Just have your cum fill a syringe with it and inject your own cum into your muscles.

Yeah.

You know who eats their own cum?

Who?

Chris Chan.

Who?

Sonachu.

Oh.

You referenced him earlier.

I don't know his real name.

Oh, okay.

You're just trying to be cool.

Why would I know his real name?

I mean, if you know.

He's called Sonachu.

No, his name is Chris Chan.

Sonichu is the thing he created, quote-unquote, created.

It's weird, though, to be like, my friend Chris, you might know him as Sonichu, but we're, you know, in real life, we're pals.

No, if I said Chris, if we say Chris

both like eating cum, Nick Moll and I like eating cum.

That's not what I said.

That's what exactly.

If I said Christian Weston Chandler, it wouldn't be weird to mention.

You should know that before you know Sonachu.

Sonachu is the thing that he did.

Okay.

You know?

So he eats his own cum?

It'd be like if you called Walt Disney Mickey Mouse.

Well, maybe I do.

Yeah.

How about that, huh?

You know, Mickey Mouse really hated the Jews.

He wrote all these articles about how much he hated the Jews.

What in soil?

It's like, no, you mean Walt Disney?

And you're like, who's Walt Disney?

He's like, Walt Disney is the man that drew Mickey Mouse.

And you're like, no, I'm pretty sure it was Mickey Mouse.

No, it was Mickey Mouse, though.

Yeah.

Yeah,

you're wrong.

I'm right.

Yeah.

Suck my dick.

I do like that Mickey Mouse.

All those cartoon characters just started off as like, yeah, it's blackface for children.

Yeah.

No, for real, that's why Mickey Mouse has those big gloves.

Oh, of course.

It's like straight up just black.

Yeah, if you go look at any old cartoon, it's like, is that

a bear?

It's like a monkey bear that's working in a field and crying.

You're like, oh, never mind.

I know what that is.

Like those old black and white cartoons of the cows that just dance all robotically and shit.

Yeah.

This is making fun of black people like sharecroppers and shit.

Cow skeleton.

Yeah, so Rich Piana died.

That's in the news.

Another thing, Amazon lowering Whole Foods prices.

What's the play here?

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Business.

We talked about this last.

What's the play?

What are they thinking?

Where's Smart Money moving on this?

I'm Cosmo Kramer, and this is Money Madness.

You're watching Money House on CNN

with John Kramer.

With Kramer vs.

Kramer, where I make one bet and then a clone of myself makes another.

Kramer vs.

Kramer is just like two guys yelling the N-word at each other.

Yeah.

Kramer versus...

You know...

That would be the funnier.

That'd be the way to title that video.

Amazon is just trying to corner the market on like selling food right yeah isn't that what's going on like you lower prices so that everyone continues to shop at you that way you can you can fucking but what's the play

what's the play the play

what's smart money doing on this play are they gonna are you think other tech like you think uber is gonna buy like sea town i think i think what uber should do uber should raise lifts prices to make themselves look better

That's a smart play.

Why hasn't anyone ever done that?

I think that's the play.

That's the play in that situation.

But what's the play with Amazon?

What's the play?

Local news story: we got a dog that bought a cheeseburger for its own.

That's adorable, isn't it?

An 80-year-old woman.

She's got a dog, Bobo.

It went down.

Folks, she was hungry.

It went down to the local Popeyes, bought her a cheeseburger.

They sold it.

Isn't that heartwarming?

Sure.

Another story, we got a third grader who's opening up a different kind of lemonade stand.

His secret?

It's his own piss.

Did you just make up the news for this?

Yeah, I mean, they could be real.

Who knows?

The rich Pianas is real.

The Rich Piana is real.

I'm just trying to do as close of an approximation to local news as I can.

Sure.

So the child is selling piss.

Yeah, it's a grandma.

She's making, she's knitting lunch boxes for homeless people.

Isn't that sweet?

Coming up at 11, a local toddler is missing, presumed raped and murdered.

You're watching W9 USA, Cleveland.

It's the annual hot air balloon festival.

We've got an eclectic bunch down here.

Meet the third-grade teacher that's created her own hot air balloon with her class.

And then after that, a local mother was dragged behind an Arby's and fucked to death by a gang of

racist Puerto Ricans.

And this is the local news.

And then coming up later, are solo cups killing your entire family?

Have you touched a solo cup in the last six months?

Well, get ready for dick cancer because it's going to happen.

That's it.

I don't know if there's other news going on.

I guess North Korea fired another missile.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

What's wrong with those folks up there in North Korea?

We just got it.

It was Jay straight over Japan.

Japan, yeah.

Yeah.

And they were getting their

Gundams.

Here's my hot take.

Why is that our problem?

Why do we have to deal with that?

That seems like balls in Japan's court on this one.

Now, I know we took away their military, but

they are pretty good at

sexually assaulting people.

They can fight.

And they have a history of doing that in Korea.

So why don't the Japanese go over there and turn them all into sex slaves again like they did in the olden days?

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, for sure, man.

I agree.

They can go over there and attack them with anime and use panties and shit, you know, throw all their Japanese shit at them.

My favorite is that Japanese anti-rape device that's just it turns you into a vending machine.

So if a man's chasing you around the streets, you can go around the corner and just

deploy a vending machine disguise over your body.

He's like, wow, where's that girl I was going to rape?

Yeah, but then he uses the

wow, I'm thirsty from trying to chase that girl, the rape her.

Time for an ice cold sprite to quench my thirst just like kobe bryan another fellow fellow rapist would drink alleged uh

well alleged

alleged

what's the story

a legend a legendary i like that better a legend rapist yeah a legendary what like the journalist that just doesn't know words yeah legendary rapist

allegedly

hi my name is johnny Local, and I'm the local news journalist that doesn't know how to read.

And I say things wrong.

Yeah, and then they go to use the vending machine, and,

you know.

Oh, these buttons don't work.

Oh, the girls in here.

Form of a funny ending to that story.

Crazy.

And the sexual story.

Rape the vending machine itself because they're fetish.

Is there a higher vending machine?

Is that statistically accurate?

There's a higher degree of rape in Japan?

No, Sweden.

And the only reason.

Sweden has the highest highest.

Sweden has this thing where their definition of rape is looking at a woman.

Right.

If you don't hold a door for a woman, it's rape.

And then if you hold the door too long, oh, you better believe that's rape.

That's rape.

That's a raven.

That's a paddling.

You cut.

You better believe you cut.

Jasper, classic Simpsons dude.

God damn, what a great show.

Hey, you know, I mean, I listen to this fucking podcast.

I don't subscribe, but I listen to this.

I listen to you tell my stories on the video.

No, hold on.

What do you mean you listen to it, but you don't subscribe?

Which means you do more work.

You manually go and download the episode every week.

I don't listen to the free feed.

I don't listen to the free feed.

Oh, so you subscribe on iTunes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Every week.

What is Nick doing?

But I've heard you tell my own fucking stories on this.

So then that means I should be able to steal from The Simpsons.

What stories of yours have I told?

The meat truck story?

Yeah, but I preface that as like, yeah, this thing happened with Jake one time.

It's not like I said.

You preface it with, I am stealing a story from Jake right now.

I think that counts as stealing.

No, it doesn't.

At least I give credit, Adam.

It's all right.

What do you mean?

Instead of Adam pretending like he doesn't remember where he heard things.

You remember a tidbit about every town so you can fuck Chinese girls.

Oh, you're from Jiangzhu province?

Isn't that where they make the batteries in the Samsung Galaxy?

Oh, how do you know that?

You're so smart, thank you.

And then Adam's like, you know, you know what I was thinking about?

There's seven dirty words you can't say on television.

This is an original Adam Friedland bit.

I don't know if I've heard of that.

Oh, man.

Dude, I fucking remember like a few years ago when like shitty dudes all loved Louis C.K.

Yeah.

I would just hear like I would shitty dudes.

Oh, if that's there's one thing we can't stand on this podcast.

Garbage.

No, I mean like it's piss baby garbage fire literal garbage stumps.

You know damn well I don't mean that shit.

I'm not like a fucking

dudes

can we talk about dudes for a second?

Dude, bros.

Morbidly obese woman here.

Dawn Beth Shannon Custard here.

I love

that bar we do the shows that they have those rules posted in the background.

In the bathroom, yeah.

In the bathroom, it's no racism, no transphobia, no homophobia.

No hobiophobia.

I love that transphobia got bumped up to number two

after racism.

Well, it's because of the, yeah.

Also, are those the rules for the bar or for the bathroom?

Just the bathroom.

No racism.

Yeah, yeah.

What if that's just how I have to shit?

I just need to say the N-word to get it all.

And then the last rule is...

The fiber for me is racism.

The last rule is no bullshit.

Yeah.

And absolutely no bullshit.

Following a list of a bunch of things I consider to be complete bullshit.

Yeah.

How do you even go do transphobia in a bar?

Well, the bartender is trans at that point.

what does that mean?

Not tipping the bartender?

Or just calling her sir or something?

Yeah, that would be pretty funny.

Excuse me, the man who is bartending?

Sir.

Pardon me, gentlemen.

Can I have a bloody Mario?

It's because you're a man?

That's funny.

That's a man's name?

It's gonna be a bloody Marty.

Hey, fella.

Hey, pal.

I remember when it used to be they only let men bartend.

Just some old guy that hates women and doesn't realize that's

trans person.

Yeah.

That would be a fun guy to be in real life.

Yeah, that would be a blast.

Yeah.

Yeah, just listen to Sinatra be mean to trans women while trying to fuck.

I mean, you got to think if there's got to be old people that just have no idea what trans people are.

It just doesn't like can't comprehend that

a person would change gender.

They'd be like, what's wrong with that dame?

Why is she six foot five?

Yeah.

And also

they're making them tall now.

Maybe it's my osteoporosis.

I'm 4'7?

I don't know.

Hey, suck my dick.

You know, like, they're also attracted to them, kind of, but they don't understand it.

That's a real, I mean, that's real.

There's old fucking morons like that.

Yeah.

Old people are dumb as fuck, man.

Yeah, they are.

Sounds a little ageist to me, though.

Yeah, I think they're wise.

Yeah.

Excuse me, you're being ageist?

That's the dumbest.

No ageism in my bathroom.

They didn't say no ageism in the bathroom.

You're allowed to be ageist

at that bar.

What is the goal of

ageism?

What?

Like, to pretend like time doesn't exist?

I think that it's like because people get fired from their jobs for being too old or something.

Yeah, they should.

I agree.

They've had the job for a long time.

They've had plenty of opportunity to save money.

It's the end of your life.

It's going to suck, anyways.

You're going to fucking get cancer and all your friends are going to die.

Like, you don't need to be pretending to smile at people at Walmart.

Hire someone that needs the job.

Yeah, I agree.

Like a baby.

Like a baby.

Babies need work.

We should replace all of the Amazon drones with infants.

Yeah.

You know?

That way you don't have to fuck those drones anymore.

You finally get what you want.

Prime now, Amazon Premi Now.

Let me get a premi delivered ship-shaped tip-top directly to my apartment.

It just crawls to your door with a box full of shit on its back.

Okay.

Tech review corner.

Moving on to our tech segment.

We're done with the news.

Yeah, we're done with the news.

Put in a 15-minute timer.

Plus, you're not really contributing anything.

I've been listening.

Yeah, I've been.

Yeah, you've been listening.

Good job listening on the population.

I've been trying to contribute.

you fucking ass.

You're getting cut off.

You're not getting cut off.

You're not saying anything.

Okay, I'll try some more.

Maybe you should put a fucking show map together.

I think it's a good show map.

I thought that that was a really nice story about the dog buying a cheeseburger for the old lady.

I thought that was great.

I'm really glad you brought that to the table.

I didn't want to interrupt it because it was warming my heart so much.

Okay.

I don't know.

Apple Watch, folks.

Let's talk about it.

Two weeks now with the Apple Watch.

Let me tell you, folks, I'm fatter than I've ever been in my entire life.

Hell yeah.

And the Apple Watch is letting me know.

It reminds me every day that I don't walk and stand enough.

You just look at it and just say, you're fat?

Basically.

I mean, I guess that's like a cool feature if you want to change something in your life.

It makes your emoji fatter.

I already go to the gym.

It doesn't need to tell me that I need to stand up more.

Does it really?

How does it know you're standing up?

That's some impressive technology.

I don't know.

It measures your heart rate against.

You know what's funny?

When I do cocaine, it's like, congratulations, you've reached your exercise goal for the week.

Wow, you've done all the exercise somehow in a 15-minute period.

Your heart rate is 140 beats per minute.

You must be doing a triathlon right now.

Are you eating fucking Cheerios while swimming 10 miles?

Yeah, you better believe that's what I'm doing.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, what I want is a brain monitor.

You know, instead of a heart rate monitor, some Apple product I can just fucking jam into my skull.

And you just tell when you're being racist.

And when I'm done being smart, when I'm thinking smart things.

That'd be pretty cool.

They should have a sex app where, like...

You put the Apple Watch on your dick like a cockring, and then it's like, you are

limp.

Actually, you know what would be cool?

Leave Leave it on your wrist and it tells you if you're fucking good or not.

Yeah.

That would be cool, but w what would be nice is like a an Apple cock ring that you put on and then women have to wear an Apple like pussy insert.

And then

instead of Tinder,

what happens if your dick moves on the train, you know, and some woman's there and her pussy gets wet on the pussy insert made by Apple, then it'll uses Bluetooth to communicate between the two.

And it's like, hey, maybe you and this person should see if you have any movies you like in common or whatever.

That's the next thing.

Or just have sex with them on the train.

Yeah, right there.

And then you go up to them, like, hey, I don't mean to bother you, but are you wearing an Apple pussy insert?

Because my Apple cock ring just detected that my dick moved in your direction.

Oh, you're a police officer.

Oh, okay.

Well, I...

No, that's not my fault.

Apple makes this stuff, so you can't.

Oh, I'm going to jail?

All right.

Can I keep my Apple Cockering on inside the jail?

No?

Okay.

Well,

that's why we need jails made by Apple.

Imagine that.

The Apple jail.

That would be very minimalist.

It'd be nice.

It would be pretty cool.

Yeah, you know?

They would have a sensor inside your ass.

It tells when you're getting right.

And then you get a notification on your wrist that says, congratulations, you've hit your exercise goal for this week.

Your heart rate is 140 beats per minute.

And then the brain inserts like, what is happening to our memory?

Why is everything just being erased right now?

I don't understand what's going on.

We're going to have to send a bug report to the warden.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

That was good.

This is Siri, the Apple warden.

Lights out.

It's bedtime.

Yeah, we should give our jails to Apple.

I think we should give most of our government institutions to Apple.

That would be pretty cool.

Apple School.

Apple

bus.

App Apple a Day keeps the doc the teacher away.

That's what I hear.

No teachers, only apples.

As they say, eat an apple every day.

You don't have to go to school.

Yep.

You keep the teacher away, you keep the doctor away.

No more doctor.

They do that shit, though.

They buy, like, you ever see those charities that are like, we're getting iPads for kids that live in the ghetto.

Just fucking make them a bigger school and hire more teachers.

They don't need fucking.

The solution isn't being able to play Angry Birds or rob each other to sell those fucking iPads.

Or to play loud music on the train.

Yeah.

That's why they're giving them the iPads.

So they can do Showtime.

So they could do Showtime, Showtime.

Start their breakdancing career.

Yeah.

You know what I was thinking about the other day?

What if they did Showtime, Showtime on the subway?

For those of you that don't live in New York, it's like a subway dancing thing that happens here.

What if they did it with really hot chicks and they take their clothes off while they're doing it?

Po time.

Po time.

That'd be pretty cool.

Yeah.

Do you know what I thought would be funny is like a murder ball version of Showtime where like

really aggressive wheelchair guys that come on the train and they're like,

The music starts playing.

They're like, what's up?

This is murder Showtime.

And then they just get dumped out of the chair and then lie there motionless on the fucking ground of the train while the music plays and everyone just has to

step over them.

Yeah.

And you're like, don't, he's having a thing.

He's like when that fucking paraplegic guy tried to do mixed martial arts, and then somebody took the fight and they were like, you know, I mean, he's just like basically stamping out a pillowcase.

What the fucking guy was.

A guy in a wheelchair tried to.

A guy with no arms or legs.

That's quadriplegic.

Quadra no armelic.

Quadra fucking ant ant quadramp quadramputee?

How did he even like train for that?

Quadramputee sounds like a Pokemon.

He wrestles you with his neck.

Yeah.

No, he's biting, I guess.

Biting.

Slowly eats you like a fucking snake.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Lays down next to you.

The fight ends, and there's like a Han Solo imprint of the other guy in his abdomen, and it's like, he did it.

No one thought he could do it, but he did it.

He slowly ate the other fighter.

He absorbed the other fighter into his body.

And that just goes to show you, if you think retarded people aren't capable of doing things, you're a fucking asshole.

This is UFC.

Yeah.

That'd be cool if a UFC fought a retarded guy.

Yeah.

That's going to happen.

That would be the next big fight.

You know, we did the Mayweather-McGregor fight in my apartment.

We already knew that a retarded guy.

Which one?

I mean, Mayweather's retarded.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, well, he doesn't know how to read.

That's kind of retarded.

Is that real?

Yeah, he's fucking a legendary.

You've never heard that promo video where he's trying to read for the radio interstitial?

No.

He's like, with iHeart

Radio,

the award,

he could not.

Yeah, he couldn't do it.

It's so funny when people

can somehow make it all the way into adulthood without learning to read and just

try to get through situations like assuming no one will notice you know yeah i used to do a bit about that shit yeah about those old radio psas for like the adult literacy centers and it was always like my name's karen uh i'm a 37 year old secretary and unfortunately last year my boss found out that i didn't know how to read

how do you get that far

understand

it's impressive those people are impressive yeah their ability to pull the wool over society's eyes and become

pilots.

No, I have an uncle that's

really bad, but the secret is you can't read.

He's a deaf piano tuner, and he just was pretending like he wasn't deaf for like 15 years.

What?

Yeah.

So you'd like talk to him and you'd say something to him, and he would just go like,

right, right.

He just

not listening to anything to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It just worked.

What is it?

Uh, Beethoven was deaf, yeah.

Beethoven, he used to always tell us that as kids, oh, yeah, he had one of those ear horn things, that weird like cornucopia thing, yeah, yeah, and then ask people to yell at him from Wild, Wild West.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be a cool movie, Wild, Wild Brass.

Let's see him, let's take a look at him.

Let's see these crazy titties.

Yeah,

oh, just as an aside, and Nick's, I'm, I know I'm ruining the flow of the show, but thank you, everyone, that came out last night to our live show.

That was awesome, and

everyone was

getting better and better.

And this is the important part: we're switching to bi-monthly.

So, the first of our

Apple Watch, let me purchase it.

I'm what they call bisexual.

God fucking sex.

Which means I pay women for sex.

So, our first

cutting me off.

Anyway, our first bi-monthly show is on September 11th.

God damn it.

September 11th,

the anniversary.

December

11th blowout sales.

We're crashing planes into buildings all day long.

The anniversary of the terrible attacks on the World Trade Center will be our first

of our bi-monthly show.

I think 9-11 is good.

I'm antifa.

You're terrorist attacks.

I'm pro-9-11 antifa.

That's what antifa is.

Antifa was pro-9-11.

Yeah, probably.

They were actually part of it.

The planes were wearing bandanas over their noses.

You know what I think about is people that sit around and they dress up and they're proud to be antifa.

It's cosplay.

It's the gayest shit.

There's a lot of hangers on that are lame as shit.

It sucks because there's like a real thing at the center of it, but there's so many dudes that are

costume, you know.

The real shit was in Europe where there were actually Nazis beating the shit out of the world.

In that whole world of these alt-right guys fighting the Antifa guys, there's maybe three dudes that are actually

not cowards

that are fighting each other.

The alt-right has that one guy who's jacked and just punches people in the face.

And then I'm sure there's a couple of Antifa people that actually like fighting.

And then the rest of it is like

cowardly people that want to be like they're the people that fucking like are excited about the idea of a mosh pit.

Yeah, totally, totally.

You might be able to punch somebody in the face without getting punched back.

A shameless plug, I want to plug my podcast because I just did a podcast about the history of antiflo.

I have a podcast called Pod Damn America.

If you're listening, we do history about shit like that.

Isn't that already a podcast?

Yeah, it is.

Is it that sounds?

I think it's a nice thing.

Pod Damn America is the name of

John Lovett.

John Lovett.

Yeah, that's his podcast.

Yeah, it's John Lovett.

Pod Save America.

No, I don't know about that.

That's why we called ours Pod Damn America.

You should change it to maybe like WTF or something.

Fuck you.

I'll change it to Come Town, bitch.

See, that's the thing.

I didn't have to worry about someone already having this as a name for their podcast.

You know, I had to fucking like tell my boss at work, like, yeah, I got to get off to do Come Town.

Like, everyone kept asking me, like, what's the name of it?

What are you doing?

You know.

Yeah, everyone was like, that's such a stupid name.

You could never market that show.

And it's like, look whose name is.

at the top of Times Square right now.

Come Town.

Right above

the Toys R Us Ferris wheel.

It's on that ticker, like that fucking stop.

Is that still there?

How long ago did that disappear?

Probably Tim Square.

Toys R Us store?

There was a Toys R Us with a Ferris wheel in it and Times Square.

Mean Times Square?

I think.

I don't know.

Years ago.

You got rid of FAO Schwartz, too?

FAG.

Where do you go?

Yeah, that was a joke I said.

Yeah, you did that.

You said that I like to go to FAG Schwartz.

I did.

Yeah.

That was a good joke.

It didn't hurt my feelings at all.

I thought it was pretty funny and worked with the show.

Okay.

You want to go back to that Ferris wheel thing you were saying?

Ferris wheel.

The world's gayest roller coaster?

Yes or no?

True.

That's my new character, is the guy that's like, oh, you know, I don't really, I'm like, I like, I love roller coasters, but the scary ones, I can't really do so much.

So it's like the Ferris wheel, that's my favorite roller coaster.

I love just the big loop-de-loop Ferris wheel.

It's so scary to me, but I love it.

I just love being scared.

yeah it really is i love being scared on the teacups

those are my favorite roller coasters ooh the little caterpillar that looks like he's going to school yeah yeah that one

it was terrifying a gay guy so scary a gay guy that

likes

the baby roller coasters is is a pretty good character for me that's a good news i love it

you know what i love the scary roller coaster it's funny that there's like weird ones like that they're old times or were where they guess your weight and they used to.

It's scary, yeah.

And they guessed your weight.

Scary when you shoot the waters.

Scary Ferris Wheel, the one from the movie Fear, where Mark Wahlberg sticks his fingers in your pussy.

That is the scariest one, man.

Yeah.

You ever heard of people like, because they have like the baby roller coasters and then like at some point in the 90s, like they started just making like the most extreme

shit of all time.

Not even fun to ride.

Dude, those shits are so fun to ride.

The problem is that they're you as a kid, you remember them and like you wait in line and you're terrified.

So you have all this like adrenaline that makes getting through the line go faster.

Yeah.

And then you ride it and you're so scared as you're like going up the hill.

And then the ride, you're like, oh, I hope this ends soon.

Like I'm having like this huge adrenaline rush.

And now as an adult with a cocaine problem and a muted ability to, you know, I don't have any dopamine in my brain and I don't really have any kind of adrenal response anymore.

It's waiting for two hours in a fucking line.

Yeah.

And then,

oh, yeah, no, I cut my fucking hands up all the time while working with like diabetes.

Do you feel anything?

I mean, it hurts, but it's like, I just, I mean, I like cut the top of my finger off yesterday, or like last week, and it's just like, god damn it.

You know, I don't have any reactions.

It's so dead inside.

Kind of.

Yeah.

I don't feel anything.

So the roller coasters, they kind of suck.

They don't last as long.

I mean, mean, it is fun, but it's like, it's a 45-second ride, and you just waited two hours in line.

You know, even if you have the flash pass.

Yeah, that's what it's all about, dude.

The flash pass.

I fucking hate that.

Pay more money?

I hate that superhero bullshit so goddamn much.

They just make a roller coaster and it's like, it's Batman.

Yeah.

The roller coaster.

Yeah, all of them are like Batman or Joker's Revenge or the Riddler's Penis.

What does it mean?

Just call it the roller coaster.

I don't need all this theme bullshit.

You know, that pissed me off.

The Six Flags, Magic Mountain.

I grew up in Houston.

Yeah.

The Astra World was the thing.

They closed it down years ago, but near the end of it, there was a

world.

The Houston assholes, pretty good.

But there was one of the last.

That sure is Texas Pride.

It's about

just working on the ranch, not needing any government or help from anybody else.

Doing your cattle drives and exposing your asshole directly to the sun to clean it out with that vitamin D and the beautiful rays being penetrated by God's greatest beauty, the light in the sky.

There was a roller coaster that was just called SWAT, and it was literally just like a giant fly swatter.

You just get in it, and then it would just like,

just like jerk you forward.

It just hurt.

And then people were like, wow, that was so scary, I guess.

Yeah.

Just painful.

Apparently, there was a place in New Jersey that got shut down because too many people were getting injured.

There was a water park park in New Jersey that, like, people just break their legs and shit all the time.

There's like a, there's a, I forget what it's called, but there's like a.

It's like everything was covered in tetanus.

It's a Jersey Zix Flags.

It's called Six Flags, a Friend of Oz.

Where all the rides break your legs.

There's like a water slide that tries to do like a full like loop, you know, like, but it's like, it doesn't work at all.

And like people just get to the top of it and just fall and shit.

But like, it's still open.

Like, no one's really you know sued it or shut it down i love going to amusement parks it's a shame the summer ended kind of abruptly here it's fall now yeah it's just cold right now yeah today coming waves i would love to go earlier this week get one last six flags in before the summer ends i've done that shit in years we should go i like water parks a lot i like i like lazy rivers i like out pee the one thing that was nice about going to six flags

is i got there and i went on one of the baby roller coasters because it had a quick line And you lost your wallet?

I lost my wallet immediately.

It fell out of my pocket on the ride and just went off into the course.

And so it was like I had to stay there till the end of the day

so that they could walk the track and get my wallet back.

And

it gave me an excuse to stay.

Because otherwise it'd be like, all right, I've been here three hours.

I'm going.

I don't need to stay here the whole day.

Stay there the whole day.

Got a couple of rides in.

This is not even enough.

Just one.

You have the opportunity to go on one or two big roller coasters that day.

And it's like 50 bucks for admittance to get in.

Yeah, it's it's yeah, it was about that.

It was probably like 80 a person.

80 a person?

Yeah, I don't, I didn't bring like a Coke can or anything.

Yeah, you always gotta bring a Coke can.

Yeah, yeah, if you drink soda, you get in cheaper.

If you make the rides, you have to work harder.

You know, they need those fat people there to make the rides go faster.

That's probably it.

The momentum they get.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Would any fat people care to volunteer to come to the front to make the ride work?

Thank you.

Yeah.

I used to think that VR technology would replace roller coasters because you just

put on the glasses and feel like you're on a roller coaster.

Just because you're very retarded.

You think they'll make VR technology?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they do.

Yeah, I just got the new PlayStation Virtual retarded.

You put it on and it makes you feel like you have Down syndrome.

It's pretty crazy, dude.

I strapped that shit in, shit myself immediately.

Just something they're just sticking the PlayStation controller in your mouth.

They're like, is this Starburst?

I think I'm just eating nothing but candy right now.

Game shark.

Isn't that Norman used to have that joke about

the worst part about getting a blowjob from a retarded girl is all the candy in her mouth?

Oh, man.

Man,

Norm fucking unfretted me.

Did he?

Over political shit.

What political shit?

You know,

I was talking about Antifo, and he was like, well,

I don't agree with you, but I defend to the death your right to, you know, that shit.

Then why do you unoffend you?

I don't know.

I love Norm.

We just disagree about everything.

But

political shit's

getting too real, man.

I want to hang out with Norm.

He's just, he's a fucking libertarian psycho.

You know, he's one of those people down in Texas.

I don't know, man.

I got into it with Stop the other day, and it's like, the problem with libertarianism is that it's sort of like, by default, morally bankrupt.

And like,

the implication in saying I'm a libertarian is I don't give a shit about anybody that would need assistance you know from the government.

Well it's also just like a theoretical, like the assumption, the assumption of the basis of libertarianism is that everyone starts at like a zero and that like government.

Sure, yeah, and there's equal distribution of resources and all this shit that doesn't really exist.

And, you know, because people start off rich and people start off poor.

The problem with libertarianism is the implied lack of like empathy or social support for people.

And also that you have power from like the moment you're

like Norm is also like one of the most charitable, nicest people.

I love Norm, man.

I just love it.

So I don't like, it doesn't matter that he's a libertarian.

To the same degree that

if somebody told me somebody was racist because they liked making like, you know, racist jokes or whatever here and there, but then they

worked for a charity that helped, you know, young black kids lighten their skin to fit it better into society.

I wouldn't call that, I wouldn't care that that guy's racist.

You know, because the net effect of whatever they're doing is god damn it.

What

it's your job to

make it clear that that part is a joke.

You let me just continue going.

People are like, what?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're fucking lounging

fucking bullshit vocal fry nonsense.

What's wrong with my voice?

Shut up, it sucks.

You know what someone said to me last night?

No, they expected me to be six foot three.

Oh, did they?

Because I always talk about how I'm the tallest comeboy.

Are you really?

I am.

That's only because Nick and Stav are manlets.

I'm so much taller than me.

Adam's an inch taller than me and Stav.

That's not true, dude.

Yes, he is.

You're 5'3.

I'm not 5'3.

I'm 6'3.

Tech Review Corner, they got the blood glucose monitor at the Apple store now.

I was thinking about buying that and trying to return it.

It doesn't make blood all over it.

Like, open myself up and bring it back.

Like, yeah, this thing is just fu it's a fucking mess.

I've never seen a glucose monitor this bad.

Just bring it in a Ziploc baggie full with blood.

I was wondering, I do drop-off laundry.

Oh, shit, I forgot.

I'd have to go pick up my laundry.

I dropped it off days ago.

How much does it cost?

It's like 10 bucks.

It's like a dollar a pound?

No, I mean, it no, it's like 30 cents a pound.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

It's awesome.

They fold it for you and shit.

Yeah, they fold it for you.

It's like, it doesn't make sense to do your own laundry because the amount you spend on quarters and shit.

It's more than 10 bucks.

Yeah,

it's not worth it to do it that way.

So yeah, I just use drop off service.

But, you know, like most people, I jack off on all my clothes.

I'm always thinking about that man.

And I bring it in, and it's like, they have to know.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, yeah, he just glues his socks shut after

he's done wearing them.

His two-dimensional paper-mâché socks.

They watch so many of whose clothes they probably are used to it because so many people jack off on their socks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's amazing.

I was thinking, like, at what point are you just bringing in like a paint mixing bucket filled with comp with a single sock floating on the top of it?

I thought about bringing in a shirt one time.

I just threw it away.

I don't know.

I was just in the middle of throwing it into a hamper and then went, you know what?

Maybe this is just trash because it was probably.

Oh, man.

You know what it was, too?

This is so fucked up.

There's,

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't even tell this fucking story, man.

There's this like

this shitty old man in Texas that like is trying to like market his daughter as a comedian, you know, and like taking her.

What's the daughter?

Her name's like Saffron or something.

Oh, Saffron.

Yeah.

Yeah, her whole thing is like, I love Nirvana, and it's like

Kurt Cobain died like five years before you were born.

Yeah.

This doesn't make sense.

Yeah, it's her dad is writing the fucking material.

So like, I was really fucking tired, and I was in Austin one time doing a show, and his guy came up to me, and he was, like, really trying to network way too hard.

So, he gave, he made me fucking take this shirt that's like the Dravano logo, and it says Saffron on it, or whatever.

Yeah, threw it in my backpack.

I was like, whatever, dude.

Went home.

And you jacked off on a shirt of a 10-year-old girl.

I mean, it just became the go-to combrat.

And, like, my gosh.

It was in the corner of the room, you know?

And, like, it just happened to be like, well, I don't want this shirt.

So then I ordered a pizza one time.

Now Saffron's your cum stuff.

And like, you know, it was dark and I had to throw on a t-shirt to go like, yeah, answer the door.

And I was just wearing this shirt with cum all over it.

This pizza guy was like, okay, here's your.

So I had to throw it away.

That's it.

That's the whole scene.

What's the most grisly scene you ever encountered delivering pizzas, Nick?

Oh, Jake's also a pizza guy.

Well, either of you.

You're both.

Yeah, you're currently fancy.

You're a hipster pizza guy now.

I don't know.

I mean, there was a bipolar, or not a bipolar, an OCD guy used to deliver pizza to when I worked at Papa John's.

And he would.

Oh, I got a good one.

Keep going with the OCD.

Come on, man.

What you got?

What you got?

Oh, all right.

Well, so, yeah, I mean, this isn't even a very good story, but he would, you know, they have like all those dip cups at Papa John's.

Like, it's not just the garlic cup.

People don't realize there's like nine different cups you can get.

Really?

And this guy would order two of each in addition to the garlic cup.

You'd get all the dip cups and it was like the same order.

It's like a pretty big order.

And he would always tip like 25%, which is like pretty good for pizza delivery, especially if it's a big order.

So he'd be like a $9 tip.

So it wasn't really a big deal.

But you would go to his house, you'd hand him the bag, and he would take the bag and lock the door and not give you the money.

And you're just like, waiter.

And then he would go inside and he would open up all the boxes and remove all of the dip cups, put them back in the bag, and then come to the door and hand you the bag of sauces that he paid extra for.

Yeah.

And then give you the tip.

Fuck.

And you'd take the sauces back to the store.

You would have to take them back to the store.

Weird.

Yeah.

And the first time I delivered there, the guy was like, yeah, this guy's crazy.

So he's going to do a weird thing with the sauces.

This is jacking off somewhere in this equation, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I had this guy,

this old gay man, like, you know, elderly, white hair, lived in publicly funded housing and ordered every day.

And he had the fucking greatest like James Bond name ever his name was Ray Maxwell and like he you know you'd go to his not James Bond's name I know it's a cool name James Bond's name is James

I get it uh but he I'm just saying it does make sense that he would say that it just sounds cool as shit right

I'm gonna have to side with Nick on this one it sounds like a normal name

like a James Bond he's this like 80 year old man you'd open the door and his just the air just this waft of just cigarettes and cum would come at you.

And you'd look over his shoulder, and his, like, you know how, like, teenagers like put like magazine shit up on their walls and shit?

Gay porn all over his fucking walls, just from magazines, yeah, just like gay porn magazines.

Like, you know, and this is like the internet exists and shit at this point.

Like, play gay and gay hustler, and yeah, and gay, gay Nickelodeon magazine,

gay highlights,

All the classic gay highlights.

You're going to find the

goofus is a bottom, whereas gallant is a top.

Goofus doesn't disclose his HIV status, while Gallant lies about it.

Gay Sports Illustrated.

Sports Illustrated, Swim Gay Edition.

Gay Informer?

Swing Gay Gray.

These are great puns, dude.

How about this?

National Geographic?

National Gay Geographic.

Hire me, weekend update.

A new magazine is out.

I'm sure you guys have heard of the New York Times.

How about the New York fag times?

You're watching Donald Trump's weekend update.

It's a new show where we use textiles to take over every television station where I do my own very funny version of SNL.

Yeah, Hurricane Harvey.

You know who wouldn't have done anything about that?

Obama.

But I'm doing something about it.

I'm watching right up to that storm, and I'm calling it a queer.

Yeah.

He's so fucking funny, man.

Donald Trump?

Yeah.

I hope he's president forever.

I hope that he did.

I love just how fucking irrational he makes people that suck, act, and

think.

What's his name?

Greg Abbottson.

I'm not really comfortable in their lives.

I don't know what to do.

Yeah, no, that does radio.

Yeah, right.

And then they do the thing where it's like, and I'm especially concerned for my minority friends, all of my poor black friends that live in like, what, downtown Cleveland that you get.

These fictional, impoverished, Section 8 black people that you know, that's who you're worried about is the people that you didn't give a shit at all about before, really.

Yeah, also just assuming that they also voted for Hillary and right, they all voted for Hillary, or that if, like, that poor people who lived in abject poverty didn't like just like grow up in that circumstance, and they kind of like don't see a solution, anyways, even when things are perfect the way you want.

With, I don't know, some old woman that's a liar in office.

Yeah, I've been reading about Bill Clinton lately, man.

He was so fucking like crazy.

Do you know about the retarded guy he executed?

Yeah, in Arkansas.

Yeah, just to like make Republicans like him more the guy ricky ray rector fucking he ordered that's a cool james bond name that's a total james bond name you know what i mean it sounds cool

so he like rector ricky rector ray ricky rector ray recky

where are you going retarded i hardly i don't know uh so he ordered up like a pie for his last meal and he saved half of it because he was like i'm gonna eat it later like he didn't even understand that they were like gonna kill him yeah That's very sad.

Yeah, well, you know, that's who gets executed.

You know, it's funny because, you know, Texas loves killing retards.

Hell yeah, does it?

Hell yeah.

That's the Houston assholes.

That's the mascot of both the Rangers and the assholes.

He's a death row.

It's a crispy, retarded guy.

He's strapped to an electric chair.

And

they're like, and here comes the retard running around the warning track, trying to chase his final meal of a handful of jolly ranchers and

a little table from the inside of a pizza box.

Yeah, he sucking Norm's dick.

That seems like a thing he would have done.

Made a retarded kid blow him.

Yeah.

Wait,

isn't that guy, the governor of Texas, Greg Abbott?

Isn't he in a wheelchair?

Yeah, he's retarded, actually.

I really hope that Trump didn't know he was in a wheelchair until he gets to Houston today.

It's just like, like, keep staring at it.

Oh, it's true.

We're going to go to the beautiful, retarded man.

There's a picture of him and Melania.

I was kind of hoping Trump would just not address the hurricane at all.

No, he's going today.

That he would just be like, I don't care about this.

Am I a hurricane?

I didn't do it.

I didn't cause this problem.

No.

Yeah, he's going.

And people are very mad that Melanio is wearing stilettos.

to the hurricane.

They're like, this is disrespectful.

Why?

That elevates you from the floodwater.

Yeah, I think so.

It's smart.

I think it's smart.

I think both of them should be on stilts.

Yeah, on those like Uncle Sam fucking

huge, the pants go over the pants.

If Trump just walked around like that, that'd be so fucking funny.

I want to learn how to use stilts.

He gave like speeches with a huge podium.

Yeah, why do you, the second you learn how to use stilts and then you use them for your daily commute, you automatically become the stilts guy.

You know what I mean?

Why is there such a stigma to like stilts people?

You got to be like an Uncle Sam in a

July parade.

I don't know either.

Yeah, they're in the neighborhood.

He's because you spend all that money on those damn stilts.

I think still would be fun.

This, like,

when does Greg Abbott used stilts?

There was a family in my neighborhood, and the dad had these, like, he had like really fucked up eyesight, I guess.

Yeah.

So his glasses were like this ridiculous prescription.

And I remember the daughter one time stole her dad's glasses, and we were putting them on and riding our bikes.

And when you look down with the glasses on, it made it look like the ground was like 40 feet away.

So you would ride your bike and you'd be like, holy shit.

And it was the greatest feeling in the world.

Like looking through binoculars backwards.

I guess.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I know what you mean.

I just remember that

fucking up your own eyesight.

Right.

I want a pair of glasses

like that, you know?

Coke bottle.

I got to get new glasses.

I got these from Zenny Optical.

I guess this accounts as a tech review, his glasses.

Glasses are technology, technically.

And Ben Franklin invented them.

He gets credit for too much shit.

I know we're going to be able to do that.

He invented bifocals.

We talk about that on the show, too.

He would be so fucking obnoxious if he were alive today, man.

I don't think so.

Ben Franklin.

I think he's like...

He banged like...

No, he didn't, dude.

That's a fucking myth.

Ben Franklin didn't fuck a lot.

Yeah, he did, dude.

He wrote about fucking.

He doesn't mean he fucked up.

Yeah, he occasionally wrote some like dirty jokes, and people are like, oh, you fucked a lot no he got he died of syphilis he wrote like an essay everyone has syphilis backsteres

an old an ugly woman an ugly woman yeah yeah an older woman you should fuck older women too yeah he probably fucked here we go bit central fuck dude this this is this is a bit i was saying he was probably like a like a sex like a like a creep you know like a sex yeah he was this i i i read that he liked to stick his head in women's pussies that's true that's how he went bald i also read that uh journal.

If you go cue ball bald and you put your head in a pussy and you wear a woman like a hat, right?

Bitch, I'm aware yo.

That's how he discovered electricity.

Bitch, I'm going to turn your ass into a hat.

I'm just going to make you.

We got to talk about this.

That's a funny visual.

There was a Chinese guy at the show the other night.

Last night.

Last night.

It's a Chinese guy there, and he had a Criterion Collection tattoo on his arm.

And we noticed it and we started laughing at him for having a Criterion collection tattoo.

He's a fan of the show.

Yeah.

And so we're laughing at him for having a criterion collection tattoo.

And he goes, he's like, ah, my Chinese dad would just like, you know, he would take me to see these art house films all the time.

But you look at him and he doesn't look half Chinese.

He looks like he's also Chinese.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's full Chinese.

It's right.

It doesn't make sense to say my Chinese dad.

And I was just imagining his Chinese dad.

And we're like, yeah, me and my Chinese son are going to go.

We all watch

specify.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I meet my Chinese wife.

We're growing my Chinese son.

Chinese hello, son.

Chinese hello to you, too.

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

That was very funny.

It's funny they had a criterion tattoo.

He has the criterion C tattooed.

And he met this guy, Ben, that we know that was at the show, who was wearing Janice Films t-shirt.

Yeah, and he was like, and they were complete strangers.

They were complete strangers, and they both had.

Damn, it's almost like you guys have a demographic of people that are

obsessed with things.

No, the Criterion tattoo came up to complement Ben's t-shirt.

And then Nick and I, Nick started making fun of the t-shirt, and he's like, Yeah, actually, it's a really lame t-shirt.

Yeah, it's super lame.

And then I looked out at his arm.

I was like, Do you have a Criterion Collection tattoo?

Oh, man.

Just a corporate, like.

This is a Spaghetti O's tattoo.

Yeah, pretty much.

And this is, we'll close out with this.

Oh, we got some movie previews after, too.

But I was thinking, this is, I don't like doing stand-up anymore, as you guys know.

This is a bit I was thinking about.

I kind of, you know, it's funny, I quit stand-up right around when the Subway Jared thing happened because it was so good for joke writing.

And then there hasn't been anything that's happened since.

And I was thinking about Subway Jared the other day, and it's like, do you think that the other pedophiles in prison are just sort of like delighted to meet him?

Because to them,

he's still just the guy from the Subway commercials.

Yeah, because it cancels out.

Right, yeah, it doesn't matter.

They're just like Ronald McDonald's.

Yeah, right, yeah.

You know, it'd be like if you met, you know, Julia Childs.

It'd be like, wow.

I met Emeril Agassi the other day.

He's in prison.

I mean, yeah, but the thing is, like, I don't understand why he was their mascot to begin with.

Cause like he's not...

Him, just as Jared was so odd.

It was like, why is this like nerdy, like, weird, awkward man, like, selling sandwiches?

Yeah, like there's khaki pants and shit.

Like, he wasn't like an entertaining person in any way.

Yeah, I love the ads where he was walking down like main street, whatever, super progressive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's how Subway comes back.

I've been dwelling on this problem for years.

In fact, I think this is the solution.

Subway yet to replace the mascot.

Yeah.

For good reason.

Because I know, you know, as soon as they have a new mascot, people are going to say, like, remember the pedophile?

And so Subway's still just trying to fly under the radar.

No mascot.

And what they should do is, you have

a woman as the mascot, and they're holding up a pair of man's pants.

And they're like, I'm trans.

I used to be a man, and now I'm wearing a woman's dress.

I've changed my gender by going to Subway every day, and I wash down my tall glass of hormones with a $5 foot-long, the sweet onion chicken teriyaki.

And then people will be so pleased that Subway has,

you know, embraced

getting your dick cut off, you know, or whatever

with the surgery and being progressive that they'll completely forget about Subway, Jared.

So that's my solution to the problem.

And if Subway is listening, which I know they are,

please send it, make a check payable to Come Town, P.O.

Box,

Klondike 55-118, Peoria, Illinois.

Hotel.

Foxtrot.

Yeah.

Diner.

Go ahead and send that out.

All right, here come the movie reviews.

Movie previews.

Sorry, I haven't watched any movies.

We've got a couple of movies coming up.

Battle of the Sexes.

Don't know what that is.

Sounds gay.

It's Stephen King's It.

That's already a movie.

Don't know why they're releasing that.

Brad Status.

That's a comedy movie with Ben Stiller.

Brad Status?

Yeah, so it has something to do with social media.

Go ahead and skip that one, folks.

Oh, I thought it was

HIV.

Oh, yeah, probably.

And then, you know what?

Skip it anyways.

Kingsman, The Golden Circle.

I loved the first Kingsman movie.

I will definitely get high and see the Golden Circle.

The first Kingsman movie was pretty tight.

I fucking loved it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was great.

But the umbrella, that was a movie, yeah.

The umbrella, dude.

It was a great movie.

Yeah, yeah, the umbrella.

That was like a perfect fun movie, is the first one.

Yeah.

If they fuck this one up, you know, make the main kid black or something, it's really gonna piss me off.

Mother is also playing.

Don't know what that is.

School life.

Come on, you know?

There's too many movies these days.

Yeah, there were 15 other movies on the list.

I think Mother is the Aronofsky movie, actually.

Yeah, it is.

It's scary.

Did you see the trailer for it?

No, I don't watch trailers.

I just look at a list of movie titles.

What do you mean you don't watch trailers, but what are we doing?

We're just going through the titles?

Yeah, I just make judgments based on the titles.

You just made a list of all the what's the famous expression?

You can't judge a book by its title, right?

Yeah, you can't judge a movie by watching okay, it's book,

it's book, not the poster and yellow

racist epithets ever.

This movie is a visual format, you can totally judge it by the title.

Well, that's what the mother

trailer had no, it was just a black screen, and it was just sounds from the movie.

Oh, not a single white guy in there, huh?

Yeah,

too much representation, I'd say.

Can't we just get one white guy on a completely black screen?

People were mad that there were like white men in Dunkirk.

It's like a movie about

English.

Wait, who remember?

I saw some bugging idiot online that was like, hmm, not a single POC.

And it's like, it's about the English army in like World War I.

Well, I play Battlefield One a lot, and they put in black soldiers as a black soldier.

The main character is a black soldier.

Yeah, it's like, I don't care.

I mean, that's fine.

People got mad about it, but what's funny about it is like, you know, you don't see your own character.

You just see the people you're killing.

So you're running around like killing black men in German army movements.

Like, all right, I guess this is progressive.

Sure, why not?

Justice, man.

Yeah, movie previews.

So let's talk about it.

What makes all these movies gay?

Is it three gays down or four?

Okay, Battle of the Sexes.

What's gay about that?

Yeah, men lose, right?

There's no way that...

There's no way you can say men are good in a movie these days.

Are we gay gay-shaming the clown?

Probably.

The clown?

Pennywise.

The Jewish clown.

Was he Jewish?

Yeah, that's what Penny was.

He wise about pennies.

He wise about pennies.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

This cannot stand.

How do they get fucked up?

His name is just he's stingy?

That's fucking weird.

Yeah, yeah.

That is weird.

I've never seen it.

I haven't either.

People say it's scared.

Isn't Misery the only good Stephen King movie?

He's got a couple in there.

The Green Miles, man.

I've done that.

I've ever since I was a kid, though.

But, like, Tim Curry as the clown was, like, legitimately kind of of creepy.

This new clown's no good.

It used to always piss me off when people are like, oh, clowns are so scared.

I always like to imagine.

Clowns are weird as fuck.

They're weird, but who's scared of a clown?

I can imagine Tim Curry sitting around at home eating a box of Whitman samplers by himself and the sounds he would make.

Delicious.

Oh, Lord.

Mmm, yes.

Yeah, that would sound weird as him just eating chocolates and enjoying them.

Did he have he had like a Phlegmy kind of throat, like kind of like a like Alan Rickman, right?

Yeah.

Similar.

That sounds weird.

Did he?

Yeah, me and my Chinese son watch a lot of

art hits.

I watched a lot of gay clown movies.

Yeah, my Chinese dad makes me watch gay clown movies with him.

Yeah, well, now we've sufficiently made fun of our only Chinese fan.

Well, whatever.

Enough.

We'll get more, dude.

You don't think I'm still in Deep of Chinatown?

I know.

I'm still in all those Mahjong racks.

I pass by some Mahjong place, and you look in.

I'm out there squatting on the ground, smoking cigarettes.

Chinese men with aviator sunglasses, fishing vests, and like those, like, you know, U.S.

Navy retired hats on, just making bets underneath a pots and pans store.

Yeah.

Those guys are great.

I wish I could be them.

Just the level of, like, their interest in gambling is so fucking awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, folks, that's the show for today.

You know, I'll try to do a better job on the show map next time around.

Oh, this is good.

This is good.

It was okay.

We made fun of some Chinese.

Nah, you know what?

I'm going to have to actually write jokes for the show, I think, for the next couple of weeks.

I feel the opposite, but okay.

Yeah, all right.

Well,

I'll.

I should be writing things anyway instead of doing things with my wife instead of just talking to a microphone.

I agree.

Yeah, yeah.

We'll make the show better.

Okay.

You know?

Sure.

whether one way or the other.

And you know what?

To anybody out there who thinks that I got fat, it's not true.

That's a rude rumor going around.

I'm Jake Flores, by the way, if anyone didn't catch the hitting up.

Oh, yeah, Stav's dead.

So

I'm the fat guy now.

Jake's here.

He's a Hispanic, gay man.

He's a

Mexicano.

He's a gay clown.

Woke show.

Shout outs to Chinese dads everywhere.

Despacito, goodbye.

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