Ep. 66 – Oopsadoozio

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Gotta set the timer

for

one hour.

Nice.

That's out

We're getting tactical military precision.

You did it all.

Tactical gear.

Combat boots, a knife attached to

the side of my knee.

Oh, yeah.

This lower thigh.

Right in reach of your arm.

That's cool.

I think if you just

slap tactical on any product, I cut myself accidentally enough that I should be a knife fight guy.

Yeah, you've got the fingertips of a knife fighter.

Yeah.

You clumsy motherfucker.

I'm not clumsy.

People interrupt me while I'm working.

I don't know, dude.

I don't know.

My father, carpenter of 47 years,

beautiful hands, pristine.

Really?

Pristine hands.

But his friend Costa chopped his whole fucking thumb off.

My man's got just a round-ass little ass nub.

No nail.

And he basically just cut the nail off, so he's got like a thin-ass, bulbous little thumb.

Yeah,

it's bound to happen.

If you like work with tools long enough, eventually you're going to cut your hands off.

You're going to lose your hands.

Your whole hands?

Yeah.

It's true.

Which is.

100% of everyone who's ever been a carpenter at some time.

Jesus died with zero hands.

Yeah, well, he had holes in the middle of them.

You're going to have to accept it.

You're going to get your hands cut off.

I stand corrected.

Yeah, you either chopped off or you get a little stomata in the middle of it.

Stigmata.

Stigmata.

Stomata.

Stomata with you.

Stoma is mouth in Greek.

Stigmata.

Stoma is

when there's like a hole in your fucking throat.

It's like retarded kids have it sometimes.

Really?

Yeah, they got an extra fucking thing in their throat.

Because of being retarded?

Or is a punishment the doctors do?

I don't know.

It's like a breathing tube or something that went in there at some point.

I don't know.

It's like the input jack

on a retarded kit.

It's like when you plug the Nintendo 64 into the front.

Do you put Slim Jims directly into it?

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

They should try the top of their brains.

Feeding tubes.

You put

one end of the feeding tube goes into the stoma, and then the other end goes into the packet of peanut MMs.

That's how, you know, like the doctor says, like, ma'am, I'm sorry,

your kid's going to be retarded, and there's nothing we can do about that, but we can at least make him big.

So we're going to force-feed him candy

to become the most retarded.

The world's greatest doctor.

Instead of curing diseases,

I make my patients the best at having them.

Behold, my

AIDS patient, who is the gayest man in the world,

I've encouraged this man to be even gayer than he was when he came to me and said, please, can I have the PrEP pill?

And I gave him Smarties instead.

Most of my

treatment's better

without condoms.

Based in my years of research into the mentally disabled.

You can save money by prescribing candy.

Well, I used to think

they were like, yeah, in medical tests, they'll either give you the real drug

or a sugar pill.

I'm like, well, wouldn't you know it's a sugar pill based on the fact that it tastes like candy, you know?

But I think it's a cap with sugar in it.

Oh, it's a cap with sugar in it.

I think so.

Although, Advil is pretty sweet.

Sometimes Advil tastes great.

Sometimes I'll really suck on an Advil like it's a laser.

They put something on that?

Huh?

They put something on Advil?

I think they got a candy shell.

There's a little candy shell.

I think it's a candy shell, which is a strange way to go with medicine.

Is there other medicine that tastes good?

I mean, Diamotap, the OG of tasting good.

Oh, I used to fucking guzzle Diamondap.

Dexadrim has a nice post-nasal drip.

It's got kind of like an orangey.

Ooh, yeah, the cough of syrup.

The cough of syrup.

No, no, no.

The nose spray?

No, Dexedrin.

It's like Adderall.

Really?

It's like an orange Adderall.

Oh, I've never done that.

The Adderalls I have are orange, like, colored.

Capsules with little balls in them.

Ooh, this is it.

It kind of tastes like Tang.

Ooh, they got a little zest in there, a little orange zest.

One time my grandma was babysitting my cousins, and there was like metamucil above the fridge.

Yeah, that just makes you shit, man.

And they thought it was Tang.

So they're like, Grandma, could you get us?

We want that Tang.

And she gave them like

she was just letting them drink a bunch of Metamucil.

Oh, no.

And then they, yeah, they just shit all over the house.

New people.

I feel like I haven't seen Metamucil in years.

I guess I'm not around a whole lot.

You're not yet, dude.

You're not watching daytime TV like you used to.

I should start taking Metamucil.

I feel like Metamus bat my high-protein diet.

Metamucil got replaced, I feel like, by the yogurt activia.

That's true.

Jamie Lee

Lee Curtis just wants to know everyone knows she's shitting.

Black Tivia, you know?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, Black Tivia.

How do we get the brothers to eat yogurt?

We got to get into the brothers market.

Who's the equivalent of the black guy equivalent of Jamie Lee Curtis?

What do you mean, the black guy equivalent of Jamie Lee Curtis?

Well, she's active.

Who's around that eight, you know, because who's going to be the black tivia?

Oh, there's supposed to be J.B.

Smooth.

Steve Harvey, of course.

Yeah, not JB, Steve Harvey.

That's great, of course.

Yeah, but bald Steve Harvey.

Not in the hair days.

Man, Steve looking good, dude.

That's such a good career.

You just get to fucking look at the camera when someone says something stupid.

Oh, Lord.

From

your type, Family Feud.

Family Feud.

And he got Steve Harvey's Big Break.

That was a great show.

No, it was that.

People would come on and

they would have have to learn how to do a thing or something.

I just remember one where, like, a guy had to learn how to do that shit where you'd pull a tablecloth,

and all the shit stays on the table.

That's tough.

That's cool.

Yeah, and so they'd like

me with a professional.

They taught him how to do it.

Then, one where a guy had to memorize pie out to a hundred digits.

Holy fuck.

And he did it.

Like right on the show, that, like, within.

No, they give you a couple weeks.

The Harve Man's had an interesting career.

What has he just hosted?

Yeah.

He hosted the Apollo.

He hosted the

Miss America, Miss World.

Yes, yes, and he totally fucked it up.

Yeah.

There was the Steve Harvey show.

You know, family.

Steve Harvey's show is good.

Me and Jamel talked about that

on the episode

where you guys were replaced.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

When Cedric the Entertainer was on Steve Harvey's show,

he was his friend.

He was Coach Cedric.

Coach said

Cedric the Teach.

Said he was the gym teacher.

Oh, yeah.

He was a teacher, yeah.

Steve Harvey was the prince.

All right, students, I know you may know me as Cedric the Entertainer, but I want you to see me as Cedric the teacher tainer.

This is teach attainment.

There was a sexy ass.

And Cedric's Cedric had like, he was dating the secretary at the school.

Yeah.

She was kind of hot, but the very hot one was the principal, who was Steve's love interest.

Steve's apartment on that show was like the same.

It was unbelievable.

The same apartment from another sitcom.

I mean, it was like a lot of the shows share the same set.

I feel like it was like Good Times or like another one where it was the same layout, but

not Good Times.

That's old.

No, Good Times' apartment, though, it was like the same layout as

I think Steve's apartment, where you have the kitchen off to the right side.

Yes.

Entrance on the left.

Big-ass living room.

Yeah, the big living room.

And it goes deep, too.

Yeah.

Like Martin's apartment is a very distinct apartment.

That's true.

That's true.

Because the bedroom was like, off into the distance on the left side with that island kitchen, and then the entrance was on the right side.

Yeah, that was very strange.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jerry Seinfeld had an island.

Seinfeld, another very interesting set where the bedroom sort of just extends.

The bedrooms are.

They have a lot of cereals

on Seinfeld.

Behind the bike.

You see how many cereals that motherfucker has?

Yeah.

It's a lot, bro.

And the computer to the left.

Yeah.

Does he ever jerk off?

Is that ever part of Seinfeld?

He probably.

Yeah, there's a mass service.

I mean the contest, of course.

But I mean, using the f the the computer.

Do we ever see

that might have been pre-internet porn?

So, wait, you think that computer was just to play like Scrabble?

Back then, you used the computer to connect to government

supercomputers, mainframes.

Oh.

So Jerry was a hacker.

Yeah.

Ah.

Jared impressed women by hacking into DEF CON.

DEF CON 5.

Jerry was getting it in all the time on that show.

I liked that, like, they just sort of wrote in.

They're like, oh, yeah, he used to have sex with Elaine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She just couldn't be a friend of theirs.

Like, what is this woman?

It was completely inconceivable that they could just have a platonic female friend.

I used to love her.

Like, I used to wish that Jerry got back with her.

I used to, like, pray.

No, but they're not good, redeemable people.

No, they're both terrible people, but, like, you know, she's so good.

They don't deserve happiness.

I want an Elaine, dude.

I remember watching Seinfeld as a kid and being like, How the fuck are these Jewish guys dating all these fucking tens?

No, this is ridiculous.

Jerry's a millionaire.

In the show, he's a millionaire?

George is out of work.

He lives with his parents half George.

Is George Jerry?

He's a loser.

He's Costanza.

I think he's supposed to be Greek.

He's an Italian.

No, he's Italian.

He's an Greek.

We've had this conversation before.

Anyway, but then I moved to New York.

I know know Kramer's not Jewish, but Michael Richards is, and that came out when he screamed the N-word and was racist.

Ah.

We found out once and for all that Michael Richards is.

You think if he was Jewier, uh he would get away with it?

What?

He isn't seen that Jewish.

No, Michael Richards isn't actually Jewish.

But like when that thing happened,

there was all these articles that were like, Michael Richards is not Jewish.

Oh.

Make it clear there wasn't a Jewish guy that did that.

Yeah, I wonder how much and how much hot water a Jew would get for dropping hella end bombs.

I think just as much as anyone else.

Yeah, right.

I don't think Jews are allowed to use it.

What about a Chinese guy?

We only sort of pretend the Jewish people aren't white.

I don't, like.

No, they're white.

Of course, they became white in America.

Yeah.

I mean,

before they...

They moved here, they weren't white, but they're white here.

They earned

their whiteness.

Their whiteness.

I mean, mean, I joke around like I'm like, oh, like it's different, but it's not different, dude.

Whatever.

What's not different?

What if a Chinese Jews are different?

What?

What if a Chinese guy did the Michael Richards?

Would he be in as much trouble?

A Chinese guy saying the N-word?

No, if Bobby Lee did that, people would be like, I don't know what Bobby Lee is.

Yeah, but Bobby Lee pulls his dick out and puts it on people's shoulders.

He's going to be like, Bobby, come on.

Some screaming racial slurs.

Yeah,

fat Korean guy definitely gets away with it.

Yeah.

Michael Richards didn't get away with it because he's not really a comic.

Right.

He's an actor that did comedy sometimes.

Right.

He would do bits where he would smoke cigarettes and lift weights on the tonight show.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

He was pretty good at it.

I didn't even know what his stand-up was, but he's an amazing physical comedian.

Yeah.

Just incredible.

Have you ever seen clips of Seinfeld where there are like three or four takes in, and Michael Richards just wants to get through the scene, and like someone will laugh or mess up a line, and then he's just suddenly not Kramer anymore as soon as they call cut, and he's like, Can we please just get this fucking done?

This is the most unprofessional shit I've ever seen.

And then they're like, Yeah, in action.

He's like, Jerry,

I got my balls caught in my zipper.

You know,

whatever's happening with that.

That's a great episode of Seinfeld.

When he cooked himself on the roof, yes.

Yeah, and Newman looks like a fat-ass turkey.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

How did Newman survive in New York City, Manhattan?

He's a mail carrier.

On a mail guy's salary.

Do you know how much mail carriers make, dude?

They make a lot of money.

Starting salary is like $85,000 a year.

Starting?

Starting.

Yeah.

No.

That's not true.

No, you work all the way up to the top.

They're making somewhere around like...

I don't know.

Maximum government employee salary is probably $1.2 million a year.

That's about what they do.

What is that?

Postmaster General?

No, just regular mail carrier.

That's rude lady at the front.

You're factoring in birthday card money.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

You wet the beak off that.

You open up every birthday card, take 20%.

You go, oh, oops, see Daisy?

You're pulling oops, and the kids, you hold it up to the light.

It's Elmo saying, you're five now, and you

run your keys across the envelope by accident.

And then you say, oh, well, this is destroyed.

I can't deliver.

This is going to ruin this kid's birthday if he sees this envelope sliced up like this.

I'm going to have to just take the money out of the car

and continue on my postmasterly way down the block.

I would love to be a post office guy.

There was a story about some guy here, some mail carrier here, and

his boss was in the parking lot and saw his fucking shitty Nissan or whatever that was just filled with mail.

and they opened an investigation and they go into his apartment and like he had just not delivered a single letter for like eight years.

He's so awesome.

That fucking rules so hard.

Yeah, he just wasn't doing the job at all.

Why would you think all the people

burn it, you fucking asshole?

At least go through it.

Rummage through it for some good shit.

Yeah, well, that's a more serious crime because like they do charge you with that shit because it's, like, super legal.

They're not just going to fire you.

But considering, like, if you don't go through the mail and you're just like, Yeah, I'm fucking lazy.

I don't want to do the job anymore.

I'm a horrible person.

You got to pay my rent.

Yeah, then you could probably get off.

Let's try it.

It's the perfect crime.

We set up a fall guy.

The perfect crime is stealing candy from a baby.

Remember that one?

You ever hear that expression?

Yeah.

It'll be like stealing candy from a baby.

Yeah.

Why don't you try this one out, folks?

Why don't you go try to steal candy from a baby and see what happens?

How hard.

Yeah.

That probably isn't that easy at all.

That's so true.

The easiest crime is downloading child pornography

through

the tour browser.

That's what people should say.

It's like,

oh, yeah,

making,

yeah, whoa, we're going to sneak into a different movie?

Yeah, that'll be easy.

That'll be like downloading child pornography through the Tor browser.

People are like, what the fuck are you talking about?

I'd be like, you know, like when you, like the thing with a baby,

the candy thing with a baby.

The new way to say candy from a baby.

I got the expression, the candy baby expression.

They changed it.

I changed it.

Yeah, that's easy.

It'll be like a piece of cake.

Like downloading videos of children being raped through a PGP encrypted

that old expression.

Yeah, sure.

That thing that's so easy to do that we all know about.

That's just

two steps.

Well,

boys, this is my farewell.

This is my farewell.

Farewell, dude.

We're all sad because Stav's going to Greece tomorrow.

We're sad.

We're not sad.

Well, we're not sad.

Adam, aren't you sad?

I said, I'm sad.

I said, I'm sad.

Nick's not sad.

Adam's always sad.

We're also really sad because our favorite.

Sad boy.

Our favorite comedian,

Jerry Lewis, is dead.

Jerry Lee Lewis.

Jerry Lee Lewis.

Great Balls of Fire.

Great Balls of Fire.

Speaking of child porn, that guy.

Well, he fucking

married his cousin.

His eight-year-old cousin.

She was his eight.

What?

Was she eight?

She was nine or nine.

She was eight years old, dude.

I thought he married his 14-year-old cousin.

Yeah, but they started fucking when she was eight.

Yeah, that's when they started dating.

Right, of course.

You're not going to marry someone after dating them for

a year.

The courtship started after.

By the time they got married, they had been dating for years.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You're not allowed to get married until you know your multiplication tables.

You gotta lay the foundation.

You know what?

He got to a point where he's like, well, I guess she's gonna hit puberty after all.

So

I just put the knot on this.

Boy, I really hated fucking this titless midget.

Thank God she's

did he die in that plane crash?

The big bopper one?

It was Big Bopper, Richie Valens, and Elvis.

Yep.

Elvis died?

Yep.

Elvis died in the plane crash.

And then they cost me the best.

No, who the fuck was the third guy?

You're right.

Big Bopper, Richie Valens.

Oh, it was

Buddy Holly.

That's it.

The most famous guitar guy.

That's crazy that I didn't.

I know that you can go with Buddy.

When I think of that, I think of it as the Buddy Holly plane for everybody.

Richie Valens, dude.

That was a big one.

Buddy Holly was

when that plane crashed.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He was one of those prodigy guys.

Wow, I'm going to call him a Prodigy.

His music sucks.

He looked like a nerd.

Come on, dude.

His music's good.

He's a nerd.

No, he made looking like a nerd cool.

You have the same hair and you're literally dressed like him right now.

You're wearing.

You just got a haircut and you look excited.

You're wearing Buddy Holly coga page, but fatter.

Stupid buddy.

Do you look like a fat Adidas sponsor Buddy Holly?

With a mustache.

He was real thin, so I'm not fat.

I'm normal.

You look like Buddy Holly with an Alex Jones body.

Yeah, dude.

Alex Jones is in great shape.

He is for real, my fitness goals, dude.

I'm trying to have that body.

Alex Jones will fuck you up.

Did you see the video of him in Seattle chasing that guy down the street?

No.

Come here.

I didn't see it.

Come here, you son of a bitch.

I'll fuck you up, dude.

He's just on Facebook Live raping that guy.

You keep believing the mainstream media.

You keep believing the fake news.

You step up in this ring and dick me down.

Dick me down.

How about you step up in this ring?

Why don't you come on down here and dick me off?

How about you stop?

You get down in this ring and dick me down.

It's SummerSlam today.

Yeah,

who gives a shit, dude?

Fuck wrestling.

If you like wrestling, you're a fucking retard.

Well, there goes half our fucking...

I hate this shit, dude.

I really fucking can't stand it.

Every once in a while, it's fun to throw it on.

Shut up.

I go to a party and just on the background.

Adults, it's if you're too into it.

What wrestling party would you go to if it weren't like other comics you're trying to network with?

No, it's never going to be fun, you fucking watch it.

It's not having fun.

Yes, it is.

Going out and hanging out with your friends.

I just think that if you're an adult and you like wrestling, you should be in the closet about it.

I think this whole pride in liking wrestling.

It's gone a bit too far.

I will agree with you there.

That's how I feel.

But it can be enjoyable every once in a while.

I think they need to go right there.

The kind of party where it's like a fight party or even a pay-per-view party, those are fun parties.

You throw it, get some wings.

Even though I don't care about.

I got stuck at a WrestleMania party this year, and it was just...

This year?

Let me tell you, the clientele at that arena.

Where was it?

I don't know.

Some guy's house in Los Angeles.

Oh, you're a good one.

The guy was a fucking amazing cook, though.

He made great food.

But everyone there was just an abject nerd.

Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't go for straight.

Listen, I'm not going to

strange.

It's like not, it's not.

I should never be in the bathroom.

Oh, because I should never be in a situation where I'm like, Ernest just threw up.

Okay.

It's gross.

It happens.

That's how they'd have.

I'm the asshole for being like, it's gross.

Yeah, we're talking about something, and you're.

I'm distracted by the.

Oh, he's doing it again.

Fuck my ass.

That's gross.

Just train him to eat the throw-up after he throws it up.

Like a dog.

Fucking

most efficient creature.

They're like the Teslas of an angel.

No waste.

They eat their shit.

They eat their vomit.

Right.

It's true.

It's like, anytime somebody says perpetual motion machines don't work, I say, exhibit A.

Dog eating shit coming directly out of its ass.

Explain that, Mr.

Thermodynamics.

That's so true.

That's so fucking true.

And from now on, my name is Mr.

Thermodynamics.

My new DJ career is.

I'm going to get colored contacts, dreads,

some fucking gazelles and cargo shorts.

Oh, yes, Mr.

Thermodynamics.

I used to do these

stand-up shows at this bar in, like,

Fairfax or somewhere.

I can't remember where it was.

Yeah.

Front Royal almost.

Oh, damn.

Is that still Fairfax County?

It was way the fuck out there.

Yeah, I think it was Front Royal.

Anyway, Blue Iguana.

That was the name of the bar.

So, wherever the fuck Blue Iguana is, I would go do shows there, and the manager of the club was

this

guy who had his head shaved except for like the Chinese cube.

Yes.

Hell yes.

Really?

Yeah, he was like.

Was he Chinese?

No, he was a white guy.

He was like a Matrix white guy.

Yes.

And he made him and his

hot goth girlfriend made industrial music.

Oh, yeah.

And he showed me,

he was like, I turned my basement into an enchanted forest.

And he had done all this set design work to turn his basement, like literally, into an enchanted forest.

Into like a room.

There was all these fake trees around the walls and a fog machine and all these weird, like, you know, this bioluminescent.

Like, it looked like the avatar, basically.

Damn.

You think he ever put a loincloth on and fuck his girlfriend into it?

I'm sure.

They did all sorts of weird shit.

And then he gave me the CD for his industrial band with him and his girlfriend.

I'm like, oh, yeah, thanks, dude.

I'll totally listen to it.

And then I used to listen to it all the time.

It was actually pretty good.

Was it?

Yeah.

What did that sound like?

Like any other industrial music you've ever heard?

I only know nine-inch nails.

There's a lot.

Who else?

KMFDM.

That's a big one.

I don't know that one.

Never heard that.

Sounds fake.

Sounds like a bunch of letters you just do.

Ramstein's like industrial.

Okay, yeah.

Krumstein.

Yeah.

I only know Duhaast.

Yeah.

That's a slapper.

Yeah.

Duhaas mikt.

Yeah, that song rules.

Duhaast?

Dohaas is Ramstein.

How does it go?

Do do host.

Do host mict.

Do host mikt.

Oh, yeah.

Do you guys ever listen to that song?

Do you guys ever catch that song?

Dance with the devil?

It was like bam, bad,

it was like, fight.

Fight.

Fight.

And dance with the devil.

It was going out on Greenland.

It was going out in Group.

I was in, like, third grade, and, like, priests would, like, hold prayer rallies against it.

Like, they would, like, show up and, like, hold up big-ass crosses.

Sounds like a couple of cucks being triggered to me.

Snowflake much?

A couple of Snowflake priests.

Priest bitch motherfucker.

Power of Ramsay.

Yeah, that song is something that was Ramsay.

It's definitely Euro Trash summer.

Dance with the Devils.

yeah.

I can't wait, dude.

Well, there's another song, Dance with the Devil, which is that guy, Immortal Technique, who has that song about raping your mother or something.

Where he's trying to get into a gang, and then they

have a woman that bullied

Lynn Manuel Miranda.

He was his bully, because Immortal Technique is the second lamest rapper in the world.

Yeah.

And

we're slightly in front of him.

How about we redo Hamilton and the only song in the whole thing, and they keep singing it over and over again is Despacito.

That would be cruel.

New Puerto Rican Hamilton.

I love that.

I love those songs.

Who's anti-Despacito?

It's whatever.

Come on, throw that on.

Get a couple of margaritas in the air.

Margarita.

You know what I'm saying?

You're wearing a white linen shirt with your, it's unbuttoned and it's fucking flowing.

You've got a beautiful Brazilian.

I love the stop.

I love the way your brain works.

It's that you have something, and then the first reference is the food around it.

Basically, it's a drink.

Yeah, it is.

But yes, of course, there's roasted pork

sandwiches.

Of course, there's a roasted pork fucking cubano sandwich in the mix.

Maybe a little rose corn pollo.

Yeah, absolutely.

You get that corn?

That corn with the fucking.

That's despacito.

Yeah, you get that corn with the cheese.

Spread fat salt.

That's what Basito is all about.

That's how we eat lunch down in Puerto Chico.

I love that line so much.

I don't know why.

Because it sounds stupid.

Damn, I want you to see it in Puerto Rico stupid.

He goes,

that's how we do it down in Puerto Rico.

Stop making the name of your country spicier.

You know?

Just say it the way we say it.

Wow, Mayo Assyria.

I agree, dude.

Whenever I hear a Spanish person say, like, yeah, my cousin from Miami, yeah.

Yeah, well, that's stupid.

I just want to say, like, come on.

I'm from LA.

LA?

I'm from LA.

I'm from LA.

Yeah, dude.

Anyway, that's Desposito, boys.

Little fucking.

Like, when German people say Deutschland fried ice cream, you know what I mean?

That's fucking Desmosita.

You fucking bastard.

Absolutely.

It's not Deutschland.

What?

Germany.

It's not Deutschland.

What do you mean?

They need to say Germany.

If a German person is calling back home in Germany.

Right.

Okay.

Yeah, I agree.

Yeah.

Deutschland.

They lost the war.

They don't get to name the country.

Oh, we should change the name.

That's what I'm saying.

Damn, I am going to get pork rinds now that you say that.

Also, how they change their name to Dutchland when there's already a Dutch.

So true.

Well, that's because they smoke Dutches.

Well, then they do that here, too.

Dutchland?

That's my apartment's name, yo.

Because the Dutch don't live there.

The Pennsylvania Dutch.

The Pennsylvania Dutch are German.

Yeah, that's true.

They're not even Dutch.

Don't they call regular people English?

See, this is why World War II happened, boys, because they were so confused about where they were from.

How about we start calling them Prussians again?

Oh, I like that.

Prussians were Germans.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, Prussians and Russians?

No.

I always thought they were confused.

I thought they were Polish-Russians forever.

Ooh, that seems like it sounded like Germany.

It sounded cool.

The Germans were Prussians, Austrians.

Yeah.

What about Visigoths?

Those were French.

Goths.

Yeah, that's pretty cool sounding.

Visigoths.

Yeah, dude.

They were like hot topic.

Yeah, dude.

But they have spears and shit.

My new name is Visigoth Thermodynamics.

That's Mr.

Thermodynamics.

First name is Visigoth.

I make electronic music from my enchanted music.

No joke, Visigoth Thermodynamic is like a fucking

rave earlier today about a woman named John Raccinario.

That's really good.

Have you been to a rave before, nick uh i went to starscape one time in baltimore yeah

was there like a light show and shit yeah there was gay as shit dude yeah that's where fucking sucked everyone would go to do ecstasy for the first time at starscape yeah just like with a lot of bracelets and stuff yeah do you remember when rave culture it was like there were always girls that like would have butterfly wings or like angel wings sure

i remember that i mean i didn't go to any fucking i used to think that was crazy what's up those furry boots.

That's the lamest style.

What is that?

Explain it.

The beast star dress.

Adidas tracksuit, Indian headdress, furry boots.

Furry moon boots?

Yeah.

I'm going to make my Instagram me doing the follow-me thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's good.

You're not cute enough, though.

You're ugly.

I'm going to be the.

You're going to be the girl?

No, yeah, I'm going to be the girl, and then I'm trying to decide what the hand will be.

Probably a hook of some sort.

Yeah.

Just a little midget hand?

A child.

Clearly a child's hand.

And it's a dark basement.

No, there's something better than that.

I'm trying to think.

What would be a good parody of the follow-me?

Just a penis, maybe?

Yeah, just a penis.

Yeah, just you.

You don't have to be holding a dick.

You don't have to reinvent the wheel here.

It's not that complicated.

What do you mean, reinvent the wheel?

Who's done that?

Huh?

Nobody's done that.

But what I'm saying is, when in doubt, the answer is that reinvent the wheel thing.

That means, what, do something that's already been done?

No, it means that, like, you don't have to.

Go to the fucking expression.

Go to the original.

Oh, yes, yes.

That's your own it should be.

It's like downloading child pornography.

Let's not film a child pornography.

We could just download it if that wasn't.

Oh, that's a good one.

That's a good one.

What's the wheel?

I'm trying to remember that expression.

I'm sorry, Nick.

Yeah, well, that's what I meant to say.

Sorry, this should be easier.

This should be as easy as

downloading child pornography through the Tor browser.

We don't have to.

Oh, God.

We don't have to find producers and craft services and a DP

and film child pornography when it's readily available on the dark web.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, we don't have to just do both.

PAs.

Kill two children with one dick.

You know that expression, too, right?

Kill two kids with one dick.

Oh, fuck.

That is a weird expression, though.

Kill two birds with one stone.

You see how easy stand-up comedy is?

Yeah, you just.

Oh, yeah, this would be killing.

You see how fucking simple of a stupid bullshit triple.

I don't know if it's easy, but it's definitely dumb.

It's very easy.

Sometimes, if you, yeah, you can plug into the matrix.

Certain people kill with shit, and you're like, what am I doing here?

Yeah.

And then you're like,

it almost feels like when you get a good bit that you're proud of, it feels like an accident.

Yeah.

Like, it's It's like so many things have aligned where it's like, oh, people happen to be laughing at this because I've figured out some other dumb tricks to make them laugh at something I actually.

What I love is the comics you see where 90% of the laughter in their set is, well, that didn't work.

And then they just get, they bail on all the jokes.

And that's more like open mic culture, though.

No, I just will do it at clubs.

Really?

Yeah.

I've seen like.

I guess that didn't work.

I would love to do 45 minutes.

Go book a club headline, right?

45 minutes of bad jokes to purposefully bail on them and only have recovery and do

a recovery set just to see if you can sustain it for 45 minutes.

Absolutely not.

You could not.

You get like three or four of those.

I've watched you do it for hours.

How dare you?

That's rude.

I know it's rude.

How dare you?

I'm a master of stage

of lestage.

Yeah, stage four diabetes.

Did that even come in stage four?

It does.

Yeah, the fourth one's the worst.

What happens to stage four?

Your entire body has peppermint swirls on it.

No big gumdrop.

I just secrete marshmallow.

Marshmallow fluff.

That would come in handy.

You could just get a fat guy to sweat when you wanted some fucking toppings.

Something to think about, guys.

Topping.

I was laughing, though.

I was laughing, thinking about you going back to Greece.

And it's like funny to think about all your family is just clones of you, but it's even funnier to think about all your cousins are like John Stamos, Greek guys.

Yeah.

Like fucking all of you.

What do you mean, like into rock and beautiful wearing leather jackets?

Rock and roll Beach Boys kind of

play.

Jesse is like the gayest television character.

Complete fucking shit character.

Yeah, he was real cool.

He's like a four-year-old's idea of what a cool guy.

Yeah, he impressed a baby.

Yeah.

That is who I thought was the coolest guy on earth when I was a little kid.

That's who I thought I was like.

Remember when I said I imagined myself to be much cooler than I was?

I basically thought I was Uncle James.

So when you were Rockabilly, you were going

to be a Rockabilly.

You were going Stamos?

But I was channeling Stamos.

In my head, I thought I wanted to be Rockabilly.

I'm not sure.

But I was not.

Our Greek mom's like, oh, when you're older, you'll be like John Stevens.

No, no.

It's not funny how Mark lie to children about that kind of shit.

Oh, yeah, you're so handsome.

You're going to be so handsome when you're older.

I used to

just turn into some fad Gamergate shithead with eyebrow acne, you know, friends.

Yeah.

You will be such a beautiful.

You're going to make all the girls go crazy.

You're going to be a heartbreaker.

Why do we say that as a positive thing?

Heartbreaker.

Heartbreaker.

You know what they should.

As an anus breaker.

Sphinx job buster.

Yeah.

What was I saying about John Stamos or whatever?

Oh, yeah.

I thought he was cool as shit.

But yeah, you're right.

It's what a baby thinks is tight.

Apparently, he's still touring with the Beach Boys.

John Stamos?

Yeah.

My man's.

Tony Danza works a booth at the San Gennaro Festival every year.

In New York?

Yeah.

I want to go to the bottom.

What other San Gennaro Festival is there?

They do them all over.

Other than the one in Little Italy.

Yeah, the two-block area that is known as Little Italy.

It's taken over by the

Chinese.

That's revenge.

You want to talk about everything Marco Polo stole.

It's true.

Yeah, it was Lomain before it was spaghetti.

You fucking.

They stole spaghetti and they stole Little Italy.

Paper money,

gunpowder.

The Chinese invented fucking everything.

Yo, what if Chinese people made pizza?

They did?

That would be scandalous.

They did, dude.

Is

the case?

Pizza was Chinese.

And then fucking Marco Polo brought that shit back.

What a fucking hack.

Yeah, dude.

The Italians have zero culture.

They stole it all from the Chinese.

It's true.

They've stolen everything.

They stole our shit.

The Romans just took, basically...

They just renamed our gods.

You couldn't even keep the same names, you fucking pricks.

The Chinese had the best culture like a thousand years ago, and then they reached the pinnacle, and they were like, you know, we don't need culture anymore.

We're just going to smoke cigarettes and spit, and

there's going to be a billion of us.

You know, we're like minions.

We need to work really, really hard.

Yeah.

Completely replaceable.

Yeah.

Interchangeable.

One's named Bob.

That's all my minion knowledge.

Oh, I thought you meant there was a Chinese guy named Bob.

I'm sure there is.

Yeah, Bob Evans.

You ever go to that restaurant?

He's Chinese?

Yeah, it's a Chinese guy.

I didn't even know that.

Isn't that Canadian?

What's the Canadian place that they all talk about?

Oh, Hortons.

Tim Hortons.

I like that.

She's have like a vague general contractor name.

I'm going to open a restaurant and name it after my entire name.

Yeah, what makes sense.

Yeah, it's not even Tim's place.

Yeah.

Fuck Horton.

Fuck Tim Horton and his bullshit donuts.

It's a donut store?

Yeah, it's like a coffee donut joint.

Tim Hortons isn't bad.

I've never been to Torton.

It's a little ham and cheese sandwich.

I've never been to Canada.

Me, that's right.

I forgot that I'm the only one that's done JFL Newfaces.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, yeah.

Sorry.

That's true.

Oh, man.

It feels great to be here.

It's from my week

up in Canada.

That's how they say it there.

Oh, really?

That's how they say Montreal.

They go, Chow, welcome to Chanada.

To Canada.

Yeah.

Why would you?

Because it's the French.

It's an Italian Canada.

Oh, there's an Italian.

Quebec is the French one.

Quebec is the French one.

Alberto is the

Alberto.

It's right under Alberto.

Oh, that's the

Italian part of Canada.

Never heard of Alberto, Canada?

Whoa, Mama Mia, eh?

Very nice.

Hey, hey, hey, I feel like we did this already.

We literally did it about Pavone.

Yeah, yeah.

That's Pavon.

That's it.

Hey.

Oh, I got maple syrup on my cannoli.

Ah, fuck.

We should go back.

We're going to go back to the Pavone episode and say he's from Alberto, Alberto, Canada.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would have been exciting from China.

I love China.

Well, on our weekly re-listen of every single episode, which we do every week, we'll just

go in there and edit it.

From now on, I talk like this on the show.

Okay.

Thank you for listening to Chomtown.

Can you tell us about

your ideal date you would take a girl on?

That's a different guy.

No, it's different.

Yeah, no, this is just

a

guy.

Oh, you're from the game.

He may also be from Italy, you know,

from Portugal Jul.

He could be from any one of the spicier Euro European countries.

Any one of the

countries that love dancing and raping in Europe.

Any one of the rapier

the like silk shirt countries that be there?

The disgusting countries

from the south of Europe

instead of the good northern ones that embrace ideas like car bombing each other and having way too many children and modern furniture.

Yeah.

Oh, the Danes.

Ooh, love them.

Dude, I tell you, those Danes.

Tremendous respect for the Danes.

If I could have been born into a Credenza family,

a Danish

Credenza-making family, I would be born happy.

I would have lived a better life.

You absolutely cutting tambour doors all day long.

Just a smiling name.

An apartment full of mid-century modern furniture

and a loving family and just going.

Just waking up every morning to a cuckoo clock, putting on my clogs, going out late walking and uncomfortably to the bathroom where I remove the clogs and pull millions of splinters out of my foot.

And I take a nice, long, hot bath and a claw foot, presumably, and

scrub myself with a piece of cinder block.

I think that they do that.

They drink like nine cups of coffee a day.

Yeah, I already do that.

You ready to switch?

See back on the song coffee for a week, and then I ended up doing cocaine at the end of the week.

So I thought,

why don't I just drink the coffee

and not do not have a cocaine blowout

from the money?

You did more $60,000.

You did good.

Dollar cocaine party.

Damn,

I wanted to get Yeat out at that wedding.

I was like,

we've been keeping the cocaine from you.

What?

We're worried about you.

That's not fair, dude.

Yeah, you and your Coke habit.

Yeah.

You're massive.

Guys, I don't have a problem.

Look, I'll be honest.

For years, I've been trying to fatten you up because I thought we were going to start a bobsled team.

Why aren't bobsled guys fatter?

They are.

Why aren't Bob Sled guys fatter?

They aren't.

Have you ever watched professional bobsledding?

Are they fat?

You're tainted by cool runnings.

They're all morbidly obese.

No, they're not.

Morbidly obese.

They're like insanely jacked.

Yeah, they're like, bobsled guys are huge.

Yeah.

Most athletes are.

That's weird, isn't it?

That people are just.

Oh, these Olympic athletes are in great shape.

Yeah.

Not like.

You know, shot put guys are fat.

Yes.

It's a fat sport.

It's a very fat sport.

It is.

Why isn't Bob Sled fat?

She should be a fat.

Be a fat guy at the bottom.

Yeah, be a fat guy at the top.

He'll weigh you down.

And skiing should be fat.

I feel like being fat.

No, because you go faster.

Why don't they have a faster bread?

That's a gravity.

Oh, I would love a fat Olympics.

I would be great at it.

I'm surprised Lindy hasn't already called for a fat Olympics.

Lindy Vaughn.

Lindy Vaughn.

That's who I meant.

Lindsay.

There's a place in New York called Lindy's Cheesecakes Cheesecakes

that I've seen,

which

is very funny to me.

For no reason in particular, guys, just something we find funny.

Remember how we didn't do an app because we said people's names?

That's why I'm just going to go.

I don't even know.

She's famous.

I'm just covering it later.

She writes for the New York Times op-ed page.

They fired a bunch of people.

Did you read that?

Don't make room for her.

Did you read that thing she wrote in the New York Times op-ed page?

Which her first one that was about how we need to get rid of freedom of speech so she can yell her order louder in Wendy's.

Whatever.

I should be allowed to use the microphones at Wendy's.

I mean, Trump is like whatever about the media, but if there's anything, like the New York Times op-ed page

has just gone off.

It's mentally retarded.

It's just the dumbest people.

I told you, but there was that thing about Desposito being the song for Trump's America.

This beautiful multicultural song.

What a beautiful example of integration and culture.

Yeah.

It's like this

dumb song about Corny and Spanish.

That's it.

That's it.

It's about being.

I'm going to fuck you slowly on the beach.

The song about people getting cream pied.

The song about drugging women's drinks.

Yeah, how many people have gotten herpes to that song?

That's That's the song.

That's the song about transformation.

Discount him.

Uno, dos, trace,

mambo number five.

Now there is a great multicultural song.

It's a German guy doing the mambo, which is Italian.

He's a black German guy.

Black German.

Rita, that sounds like a trans woman.

For sure.

For sure.

All the names in the beginning.

Those are all trans women.

Every single woman is trans women.

That's what you don't know about Lou Vega.

Lou Vega.

Lou Vega.

Come on, man.

Don't disrespect Vega.

I'll disrespect.

I had that whole CD.

I bought the whole Lou C D.

Wow, you had the whole CD.

Yeah, instead of the single bitch.

It would be worse if you had the single.

People got singles when we were children.

No, they did.

Don't act like you were above getting a child.

Did you buy single?

A single on CD is kind of a waste of

memory.

That would be, yeah, when you had fucking Mambo number five on 45.

You didn't have a fucking single?

No.

You'd never bought a single?

No.

How about this?

Did they make singles on CD?

No, they didn't.

Yes, they did, you fucking asshole.

It makes sense,

like 45.

I had the Boy Is Mine single?

As a single.

The Maya and

no shit.

Yes, I did.

I had, what else did I have?

And you know what?

They put a lot of remixes on there.

So you get like, it's a single, but there's like six tracks.

I had a couple other singles.

You know, because we were on a fixed income.

You know, I only had so much money to buy CDs.

So my mom's like, get anything under like five bucks.

The singles were cheaper.

So you could only afford

the singles were cheaper than the full

he's thinking of the music that would come in the soda cups at McDonald's.

That's what he had.

What?

The music that would come into it?

Yeah, they used to have those soda caps that had the mini MP3 discs in them.

Like Burger King or something.

No.

I don't remember that.

That was a promotion for a while.

That's cool, though.

Yeah, they had like, it was only talking about the lids of the soap?

Something like that.

Yeah, they would have them at McDonald's.

I never got that shit.

I would never go to McDonald's, but they had.

Whoa, whoa, Mr.

Fancy.

Yeah, dude.

I fucking ate right.

I was doing lean gains when I was fucking fourth grade.

Oh.

I'm going to Amsterdam tomorrow.

And then Greece for two weeks.

Wait, you're going to Amsterdam?

On the way there, I'm going to Amsterdam for a couple days, just to legalize it for a couple days.

What are you going to do?

Just smoke weed?

I don't know.

I haven't figured out.

I feel like

going somewhere and then smoking a lot of weed ruins the trip.

Well, don't buy a prostitute because then you'll be a hypocrite for all the shit you talk to Adam.

I'm not going to buy a prostitute, probably.

Although, if someone.

Why wouldn't you buy a prostitute?

If someone has their own

power, what is their sex trafficked in Adams?

And they're protected.

Sex trafficked from Belarus.

If they're having a nice time, you know, aren't they protected by the government?

They're not going to be having a nice time having sex.

No, how dare you, dude?

It's a very sensual experience to have sex with.

Can you you pay a prostitute just to eat their pussy?

Yeah, people

who are eating prostitute?

Yeah.

It's like that scene in theory in a back cowboy.

The scene in Midnight Cowboy.

Eldis used to play that over and over again.

It's so weird to me that the guy was

paying him to be the prostitute.

To suck his dick.

To suck his dick.

At that point, what are you even mad about?

Although he did short him.

He didn't pay him.

He didn't pay him.

And he should have beat him up.

But he still got the blowjob.

Yeah, but from that little Moranis-looking motherfucker.

Rick Moranis.

From my doppelganger, Rick Moranis.

Here's the thing: in a vacuum, I would pay to eat a prostitute's pussy, but I feel like that's a, you know, that's a high-risk pussy to eat.

How about Dick Horanus?

Dick Horanus is good.

Yeah, that's his name.

Wait, did you say Greg Luganis?

Honey, I fucked the kids.

Starring Dick Horanus.

Very,

very nice.

National Lampoons.

Honey, I fucked the kids.

Hey, National Slampoons.

Did Rick Morenis retire from acting?

Yeah, because he's a fan of the actual activity.

I think he retired.

His wife died and he bitched out.

He's like, I'm too much of a pussy to make movies anymore.

You need to give Morenes that real talk.

Yeah.

Tough love.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a

bitch.

Rick, goddamn it.

We need to see tiny kids.

Yeah, make them fight bugs and stuff.

That's what America needs right now.

And Donald Trump's.

I'm surprised they haven't fucking tried to reboot those movies those were

yeah yeah they're removed fucking everything they should make an all-female version of honey i shrunk the kids two moms two leslie jones you superimpose her as a mom

and she's like i know your ass didn't make the kids small

make the kids small and then the and then the other leslie jones is like wow i'm a nerd

i got i'm doing damn experiments on the children and then go down down to the

small level, and they're all living in Melissa McCarthy's ass,

giant ass, and they're all, there's a bunch of little Leslie Joneses.

They're like, where's my juice box?

I'm five.

Where my lunchables at?

That's good, man.

Yeah.

Write that up.

I will, dude.

And everyone's going to get mad.

You can't do an all-girl reboot of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

I said, just you watch.

Hell yeah, bro.

Well, I won't buy a prostitute, but I think I'm going to ride a bike and, you know, on some beautiful flower fields.

Is there a type of Amsterdam cuisine I should have?

Falafel.

Oh, Amsterdam Falafel, D.C.

D.C.

Very nice.

Yeah, there's, I mean, I don't know.

The Dutch aren't known for

the.

Apparently, it's a reality.

I'm going to go protest the propaganda museum they have there.

Anne Frank.

You're talking about the Anne Frank?

Yep.

Perpetrating a lie.

You don't think that she was actually in the attic, or what's the lie?

She never existed, bro.

Apparently, didn't they say that she didn't get restaurants?

That was a false flag, dude.

False flag.

Huh?

I don't fucking know.

Whatever.

Are you going to go to the Heineken factory?

Hell yeah.

That's the whole point of the trip.

Drink a Heineken.

Get a Heine, dude.

Remember those Austin Powers, Don't Touch My Heine commercials?

Yeah, yeah.

That's why I'm taking this trip

because I love those so much.

Remember those two Asian girls in Austin Powers 2?

Fook Me and Fook You?

Yeah, dude.

Mike Myers, baby.

Woo!

I mean, some.

Fook me.

Fook you.

A lot of vagina.

But that was a parody of, like, the James Bond shit.

Yeah.

It's not like fucking Mike Myers being like, you'd be funny as if the girl's name sounded like pussy.

Right.

Right, right, right.

Fook me is, there's really nothing there.

There's no other level there.

That shit's shit's hilarious.

I love the joke about his penis pump.

It's a good joke.

I remember that.

Oh,

that when he gets unfrozen, they try to get to it.

And he's like, that's not mine.

And he's like,

how about this?

This book?

I thought it was funny that he had to pee.

He had a really long pee.

I thought that was funny.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah.

I want to re-watch those movies.

They're bad.

They're really bad.

Did we try and watch them together, Adam?

No, I don't think so.

No, I watched them with a movie.

If you do enough drugs.

Actually, Nick, didn't we watch that at at George's house?

No.

We watched.

I was watching bullshit.

I don't remember what.

No, we watched Two Straight Buds.

You remember that video?

Where it's the two guys that fucking blow up all together?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I just remember that, like, divorced guy coming in that.

Yeah, it's

so fucking funny.

This is Greek.

George's dad was running basically a halfway home for fucking divorced Greek men.

There's some guy who just barged in at like, was it like 1 a.m.?

We'd been been eating pizza and getting high all night.

And he's reading like the terms of his like divorce subpoena to his friend over the phone.

I don't know.

He's yelling in Greek.

So I have no idea what.

It's all Greek to me.

Yeah, he got cucked.

He got cut.

What should that be?

What's that expression?

It's all Greek to me.

This is all regular porn to me.

Dog, you know what happened to this guy?

I don't get it.

His wife went on vacation, and a retired Greek basketball player who had just went to that island to fish and live out the rest of his days, cucked his wife.

Or fucked him.

Cucked him, yeah, fucked his wife.

And then she was just like, I'm going to stay here and keep fucking this guy.

Did his wife look good?

I never saw her, but the guy was, you know, I don't know.

He sounds like a Billy Bad guy to me.

Yeah.

If you ask me, that's not a way a guy should be talking.

Thank you, Frederico.

You're welcome.

How are you doing today?

I'm

going to do this for the next 15 podcast episodes and see how long it takes before people

to get new listeners.

And then they think that there is just a guy to talk like this on the show.

Wow.

That would be a good trick.

Yeah,

it would be.

That's my plan, boys.

Wow.

Smart.

Smart trick.

John Depot.

So, yeah.

So then Amsterdam, and then I'm going to Greece a couple of weeks.

It turns out my family invented child porn.

What's that expression mean?

Yeah, what is that all about?

Wow, it turns out my family.

You got it bad.

Turns out my family invented child porn.

Takes one to know one.

Yeah, so I don't fucking know.

I might go to some islands.

I'm I'm going to get tan.

That would have been a fun tweet during the Jared thing.

Yeah, to everyone calling Soboy Jared a pedophile, takes one to no one.

What does that even mean?

Takes one to no one.

That is legitimately a stupid.

That's like a smelted delta.

Yeah, that is very dumb.

But it's kind of hard to actually shit on that phrase.

I'm going to put that in my SNL packet as a defense attorney.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before you convict my client of being a pedophile, may I remind you that it takes one to know one.

Oh, I was right.

Order!

Order in the courtroom.

I actually don't know what a pedophile is.

Myself, as a judge,

I've never even heard of such a thing.

So, case dismissed.

Hell yeah, bro.

That's a good sketch.

That should get you on.

That could get you on SNL, I think.

We should all.

I can prepare some of my characters for Lorne.

Oh, yeah.

You're too ugly for Lorne, dude.

He likes cute boys.

Yeah, does he?

John Mulaney's cute.

John Mulaney was never on camera.

Yeah, but he liked him.

And they tried to do a whole sitcom with him.

Tried to do a whole sitcom with him.

What about all those handsome guys?

You know what I mean?

That's why I'm not on.

Johnny Moyney.

John Bologna.

Because he's full of shit.

That's good.

Whoa.

Just some shots of John Belushi.

John Mulaney.

John Mulaney.

Oh, damn.

John Baloney.

I haven't seen John Mulaney stand-up in a long time.

I call him John

Belushit.

Bullshit.

Yeah, John Belushit.

That's what I think of.

That guy's copy.

Woo!

Belushi was Albanian.

Was it Albanian?

Yes, unfortunately, he was Albanian.

He was Albanian.

I also love how he was fat.

He was considered fat, and he's just a regular guy by today's Yeah, no, he's fat.

You're a fucking morbid look.

No, dude.

I am not.

He's clearly a fat.

He's not.

He was a fat drug addict,

which is always a very cool addiction.

I'm going to pull up a picture.

I bet you he's not that fat.

Him and Farley were both fat.

I know what John Belucci looks like.

He's a fucking fat guy.

He's not that fat compared to what we got going on today.

He's got to be at least 30% body fat.

That's fat.

This guy's not that fat, bro.

That's fucking fat.

Look at me.

I'm a human zit.

You can see his whole neck.

It's not a fat guy.

I always think it's cool if you could be fat and

fat guys.

They got a big fat neck, and it's like, how do you

just shave down?

You just continue shaving it like a face?

No, you're not.

You just shoot fat on your neck.

You don't flip the razor.

Yeah, you just have to hold and stretch out your fucking shit.

Do you?

I think so.

Is that what you do?

No, I don't have that situation.

You don't have to shave.

You have a big fat neck, thank you.

You have an enormous neck.

It's not that big.

You can't grow hair on your face.

I have hair.

I shave today.

Do you guys ever fuck with Electric Razor?

Sometimes.

I do all three.

You do all three.

The thing with the little holes in it where you just rub your face.

Yeah, yeah.

That shit hurts, dude.

I don't know.

I mean, I'll go literally like years without actually shaving my face all the way.

I just use clippers.

And I keep stubble on my face.

I like a nice clean shave for a formal occasion.

I don't know, man.

One time, my friends.

My friend friend actually, if you don't shave your face all the way all the time, it feels fucking weird when you start doing it again.

One time, my friend's mom, I was over at my friend's house, and his mom said,

Matt,

I got you clippers for your fashion stubble.

Woo!

Did you punch him in the face?

Yeah, it was one of the most embarrassing things I've ever seen.

For your fashion stubble.

Yeah, for your fashion stubble.

What a gay thing to have your face.

Yeah, yeah, no,

we made a a lot of fun of him.

Matt, I got you penis cream for your small penis.

That would be fun.

Hell yeah.

Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of the fashion boys for your fashion stubble.

Jesus.

Penis cream.

Woo!

This is a come town after dark.

This is some triple stars.

We're silly.

After dark, we're still in the dark.

We're too tired, dude.

I am too tired.

I'm tired from doing drywall all day.

Yeah.

I got to say, from

being construction boys.

Yeah, you guys have been construction boys.

This whole week, basically.

Hats off to the people in the construction industry.

You mean me?

It's not your job, dude.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

You're a podcaster and you live in Brooklyn.

How pathetic is that?

It's my job.

What?

It's my job.

You're a construction boy.

I'm sorry, that's that's my job, dude.

Oh, really?

We should all get new jobs.

Oh, man.

There's a story about somebody I know where they were saying, that's my job.

And it was some.

Fuck, I can't remember the context.

It was so funny.

This is the strangest memory to have.

It's not their job.

Oh, yeah.

My old roommate used to be the manager of our apartment complex, and our friend who lived there, she was dating some guy who yelled at her or something or whatever.

And he's like, yeah, he's not allowed at this apartment complex anymore.

So, if I see him around here, I'm gonna kick his ass.

And, you know,

she was like, Yeah, don't do that, or whatever.

He's like, It's my job

100% serious.

He's like, That's my job.

That is literally my job.

That's why I get paid.

That's what happens with supers.

Yeah, they have at-will calls to beat up whoever they choose.

That's your job is to sign leases and to threaten people

who come onto the apartment complex property.

That guy's hilarious.

Last time I was down there, he was always like fucking just stealing money from the apartment complex for dumb bullshit.

Like, he would like expend, he would buy all these tools on the company credit card, but for himself, and he wasn't the maintenance guy.

Like, we had a maintenance guy, he just would like want tools for himself, so he'd buy them.

And last time I was there, he had a fucking

he had like

a power rack mounted outside with bumper plates.

Like fucking at least $1,500 worth of exercise equipment.

But it was mounted into the fucking concrete in like the mailbox area, the exterior of the building.

So not in like the exercise.

Not in the exercise area.

And it's like, no one's using that but him.

Right.

Next to his apartment.

He got a fucking Olympic lifting setup right by his apartment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That rules, What a lunatic.

I love just anyone who can just abuse the system like that.

Yeah, well, that's the end of the episode.

You guys should plug the show.

I'm not going to be here.

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