Ep. 59 – Marmaduke

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Well, I did it, boys.

I went and I got a 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray play.

My man.

Nick's going to be happy the rest of his life.

I am.

Until the next purchase.

No joke, for real, with these fucking speakers, too.

I've said it a couple times, but it's the biggest smile I think I've seen on your face.

Yeah, I mean, it gets better and better every time.

No, he was smiling pretty big when he was talking about woodworking.

No, this tops the woodworking, dude.

There's a glimmer in his eye.

Because even when I got this TV, I I wasn't this happy.

No, dude,

this is pure joy.

No, you're actually kind of in a foul mood.

I wasn't in a foul mood.

No, it was the beginning.

It was the beginning of him being happy.

Yeah.

It was the start, you know?

But this was that.

You can't solve anything.

100%, dude.

That's the moral.

That's the thing is, people are like, oh, money won't make you happy.

It's like...

Well, yeah, a fixed amount.

But if you're constantly amassing more and more money and finding dumber and dumber ones to spend it,

the idea idea that, like, people who make like $100 million a year aren't incredibly happy.

Oh, yeah.

Well, actually, their kids are pretty depressed.

It's like, yeah, they shouldn't have had kids.

Kids are never going to fucking amount to anything.

If you're the guy that makes the money.

Right.

If you're like Shrelly or some shit, even though he's having a rough time right now.

Yeah, that's a bad example.

Yeah.

Well,

just because the government's trying to fucking take his money away from him.

You're fucking

the piece of shit government won't let a man live his life.

Welcome back to part of the problem.

Into libertarianism has commenced.

No, I'm all for taxes.

Taxes are fine.

Yeah, yeah.

What's bullshit is like the government fucking bringing charges against a guy just because he's ugly and Albanian.

No, fuck Albanians, dude.

That's my stance.

Fuck Albanians.

Fuck half of African

Furman of Europe.

What's their deal?

There's three of them.

Two of them are boys, one's a girl, and they live in the Warner Brothers Tower?

The Alba Maniacs.

That's where fucking they're...

Some sort of cat.

Shkrelly is the youngest of

the animals.

The animaniacs.

He does look like one of them.

Yeah.

The girl.

And that's where they're going to jail him is the Warner Brothers Tower

when he does get locked up.

So keep an eye on these red lights here.

If they shut off, then that means that I should have replaced the batteries.

Okay.

In the recorder.

Will we lose the recording if they shut off?

No, it'll just cut off wherever the battery dies.

Okay.

So this might be a 17-minute episode, guys.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I got

loads of batteries.

Hey, there he is.

I got a bunch of them, but for whatever reason, sometimes I'll get 30 episodes out of one charge with these,

and then other times I get like two episodes.

It's when it's really funny, dude.

No, I think it's

how high the levels are.

I think if I set the levels right, it's not a problem.

But anyways,

back to the electronics.

The consumer electronics corner.

The consumer cool corner.

Cool consumer corner with Grand Wizard of savings.

The Grand Wiz.

The Grand Wiz of savings.

What else?

Do you guys know that?

Remember the Wiz Dragons?

The Wiz.

Michael Jackson?

Yeah.

No.

The Black Wizard.

No, the fucking

electronics store, The Wiz.

Oh, yeah, The Wiz.

Yeah, of course.

I don't.

But that's

that.

But it's the

Grand Wiz.

Come on down the road.

It'd be funny if the Black Wizard of Oz was actually

the Grand Wizard of Oz.

The Grand Wiz.

Well, I'll tell you, it really does make a difference.

Move on out.

Because, you know, you can stream 4K, but it always looks kind of choppy.

The frame rate's always fucked up.

And there's like buffering issues.

And so you need the 4K.

You need the key rate.

You need to rave.

You absolutely need it.

I mean, this is the only way to...

I'm watching Mad Max for the fifth time.

Yeah, this shit rocks.

And I saw it in theaters.

A little disappointed

because they let you know who's in there.

So even though it's a big screen and the sound is good,

the experience is ruined by Asian people.

There it is.

You guys are probably guessing black.

Oh, no, I don't mind that.

In fact, I only watch shit with DVD commentary.

I go into a black movie theater.

Black movie theater.

He's just watching the movie with DVD commentary.

DVD commentary.

Yeah.

Debo commentary.

Debo D.

Yeah.

No, the commentary doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is

Asian people who take their shoes off and use their phone.

Going through the garbage recycling during the movie.

They use the movie theater as an opportunity to finally parent their children.

You ask later.

Later.

There's not much recyclable, though, there.

Yeah.

Popcorn, you can't really recycle the bags.

You know, what

I remember, I saw a movie with my dad, and some like Filipino family was just talking the entire time.

And at the end of the movie, my dad's like, I'm going to ask for a refund.

And he made me go with him to the manager's office.

Awesome.

And the manager was like, why'd you watch the whole movie?

And I was like, yeah, why did we watch the whole movie if you were going to do this?

And he's like, I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm a white American, damn it.

Yeah.

And a Filipino annoyed me.

What movie was it?

Well, I can't even remember.

He's one of those guys that's like,

I'm going to show them who's never been boss.

Right, right, right, right, right.

You know, where he thinks he's going to win some dispute with the customer service department, and then they just hang up on him.

Nothing changes.

Nick, well, you're actually very persistent with customer service representatives.

I really are.

Am I?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I guess lately I have been.

You're always on the phone.

Well,

I used to be a call center guy, so

I know how to speak to them.

You know the biz.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know the secret code.

I used to work at a call center, and I would fucking hated my job and I hated being on the phone all day long.

And then I would get home and I would get drunk on my porch and prank call the call center that you worked at that I worked at.

What a fucking stupid life.

Well, because I worked there, I knew exactly what to say to keep people on the phone for like

an hour and a half just out of like ruin someone's night

and just pretend to be like an old woman that's like and you know, I'd be like, I need help setting up my email.

And then I had all the screens memorized.

So like I would get them to help me through like almost every step of the way.

And then at the last one, I'd be like, okay, well, then they're like, now click start.

And I'm like, where's start?

And then like down on the bottom of the screen, and like they've already been through this with me, I'd be like, is it where it says finder?

And I would like drop hints that it was a completely different operating system, like change the entire

at the very last step.

And then they would lose their fucking minds and have to restart the entire process.

There was always just like inconsistencies in the way.

So the way, how do they track whether you're a good employee?

Because you clearly were not helping them.

Oh, they didn't give a shit.

I mean, people quit so often.

I remember there was one time, first of all, everyone that worked there, imagine this, a workplace with 600 people where I am the coolest guy.

Oh, God.

So that was like the average employee was like the biggest fucking.

There was a girl that would bring like a doll, and she would sit there and brush its hair

while she was on the phone.

There were multiple people that wore tails because they were furries.

Yes.

They would like them.

Yeah.

And they would see each other and be like, those little foxtails.

Yeah, like they were

dude.

Oh, my God.

There was a guy that had a shirt that was like.

They would bark each other.

Oh, yeah.

They were gay as shit.

There was this one guy.

There was this one guy that had a fucking like a shirt that was like,

you know, like bomb squad coming through or something, but like bomb squad was crossed off and it was like tech support.

Oh,

God.

That guy also had like a like a like a theatrical cane.

Like a long cane with like a skull on the top so he didn't need that.

That is so awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah, no, there were so there were so many of those people.

Did they hang out like after work with each other?

No, no one did.

There was a break room that always just smelled fucking awful.

Yeah.

Yeah, there was like, I remember there was one hot girl that worked there.

Oh, I found it again because it was like, I was cool.

I had like had supreme confidence.

I just went up to her and was like, hey, yeah, we should like hang out sometime.

I really like, I was like, hey, what's your name?

She turns around.

She's like, hi, I'm Cassandra.

And she was like, just

a complete nerd.

I was like, oh, never mind.

I'm sorry.

You know, the foxtail hanging on her skirt talked to her for like 10 minutes and then

never again.

Is that the girl?

Is that the girl who's Oreos you wait?

The Down syndrome girl or whatever?

No, not Down syndrome.

What are you talking about?

Aspergers?

What are you talking about?

I don't remember that.

What?

There was a girl.

A girl that you said had autism or whatever.

Oh, that was in New York when he was dating that Asperger's girl.

He was making a joke about

her being retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That girl.

You can have two or three.

Fucking.

What a monster.

Nice ditch, though.

You wouldn't fuck a nerd that was hot, dude?

It would like, like, she smelled bad.

Like,

she didn't smell bad, but she had that smell bad aura where it was like this is just,

yeah, I lost interest.

I know what you're saying.

I understand where you're coming from, but I don't know what particular nuance or what it was in the context of that situation

that made me pull the plug on that.

Because there's a vibe of like, not just nerd, but like just uncool in like a high school way.

That I'm fine with.

It was just, there was something like, you know, from 20 feet away, it was like, yeah, she's like pretty.

And you're like, oh, never mind.

It's like the red red and stimpy close-ups, it's like, Yeah, sort of like that.

Anyhow, there was one time at that call center where there was this, uh, there was this guy, like, we didn't have a signed seating or anything, we just had these like small cubicles, and there's this guy, two cubicles across from me, and all the cubicle dividers were like translucent, so you could see through them, sort of.

You had like a some degree of privacy.

And this guy would bring his laptop and just watch Legend of Zelda Wind Waker videos.

And he was like sitting right next to his boss, and he's on the phone with somebody.

He's like, no, sir, click again on that section.

Click again.

And then he would mute the phone, be like, you fucking imbecile.

You fucking piece of shit.

And unmute, like, just keep trying.

Just click, just, you'll find it.

You'll click on the right thing, mute.

You cunt!

You fucking cunt piece of shit.

But like, you know, like, Zelda is like hopping around in the fucking background.

And like,

boss has to come over and like put his hand on his shoulder and be like,

Jeremy,

calm down.

Eventually, he lost it and like hung up on the guy.

And he's like, All I want is to make my fucking hot chocolate.

And the boss had to like go into the break room and make his hot chocolate for him and bring it back to him.

And he's like, Good God.

Pulled that man off the front lines.

He's shell-shocked.

There's too much for him being a fucking

man, dude.

Maybe Republicans are right.

The call center was too much for for that guy, dude.

What a piece of shit.

Well, what's hilarious is like,

like 10 years ago, everyone bitched about, like, you call a call center now, you get some gone India.

Oh, they told me.

I know his name isn't Tony.

He's lying to me saying his name's Tony.

It's like, why do you need to know Vikram's name?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It doesn't fucking matter at all.

His name is Tony because of people like you

fucking complained about his name being Vikram.

But I do that.

I have to call Amazon all the time because like like, fucking every courier service in New York is like trash.

And I know there's a UPS guy that listens to this show.

Shuts out.

He probably hasn't.

He probably hasn't delivered shit.

Use that Skank Festival.

He probably hasn't delivered shit outside of New York where things actually show up fucking 90% of the time.

I mean, it's like a 50% failure rate when I get shit.

And I do everything through Amazon now because it's fucking easier.

But half the time it requires calling Amazon customer support and saying, like, yeah, UPS isn't delivering this shit, so get on them.

And

Amazon has like way more leverage than you do as like just a consumer.

Right.

Because they'll call up UPS and be like, yeah, we're going to have this driver thrown in jail,

deported.

Hell yeah, dude.

Bezos, baby.

Yeah, dude.

Most of the time, I'll get like a Malaysian person that'll help me.

In the call center?

And

they're so much more effective.

Oh, yeah.

When you get just some fucking bitch from, you know,

Nashville or wherever the other one is.

Yeah, dude.

Excuse me, sir.

Good afternoon.

How dare you call Amazon?

My name is Tanisha.

How may I hang up on you today?

Yeah,

I've not been taking notes

on this call.

My hands are busy right now.

I will not remember any of this.

And it won't go into the computer.

Is there a number I can never call you back on if we get disconnected?

Yes.

There's an IT guy in my old office.

I want you to call 911 and report yourself.

Tell them there's an armed woman.

They'll know which one.

Amazon always delivers my shit, dude.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe they don't respect you.

I don't know.

You know what it is?

I think the doorbell doesn't work.

Yeah, your doorbell doesn't work.

It hasn't worked for months.

No, I just don't answer the door when you.

I know it's an.

Well, I know it.

I know that.

You ring the bell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a disrespect.

It's a disrespectful bit.

It's kind of disrespectful.

It is completely disrespectful.

It's not going to be making me wait.

It's disrespectful for you to assume that I'm going to stop what I'm doing to answer the door for you.

To do the show.

I'm not on your schedule.

When I say we start at 1,

that doesn't mean you come at 12.58.

It also doesn't mean that you come at fucking 1.02.

You come at 1 o'clock.

You got a 60-second window.

And if you're not there at 1 o'clock, guess who's starting another round of conquest on Battlefield 1?

Me.

And those are 30-minute matches.

Those are so long.

Dude, if I have a 5-6-plus killstreak, you better believe I'm not getting up and ruining you.

This is the respect I'm talking about.

That makes sense.

You have to give it to him.

That makes sense.

What he just said.

No, it does not.

It makes absolute sense.

You may think it's corny or, you know, sort of embarrassing that

I dedicate that much time and effort to gaming, but you know what?

I'm a fucking millionaire.

So

maybe you should have spent the entirety of your early 20s and teen years gaming your way

to a level of respect.

Yeah.

Yeah, I respect you, and I respect you.

The way I get Nick to open the door for me is I am playing Battlefield from my phone

somehow.

I message him on the PS4 messaging system, the PSP messaging system.

And that's how

the closest Adam gets to playing Battlefield is going like World War One, what is that, like Al Satch and Lorraine?

Is it something like that?

Was it something like, yeah,

oh, like von Richthoven?

Is that like

what's else?

This is actually really

not accurate because most of the time was spent in the bunkers.

It's weird how the German medals had French names.

Doesn't everyone else know that?

Yeah.

Don't we all know that?

Yeah, that's just a tidbit.

That's an observation that I've

done.

Some of them, yeah.

They're like got French.

Pour la Marie.

That's a German medal?

Yeah.

All the medals are.

Is that for me?

The gayest in the army?

Yeah, it is.

The most dick sucks.

Get the pour la marie.

Yeah.

We're going to Paris.

I am gay.

That's good.

What did you guys do on the fourth?

King of Amen.

Put this dick in your eyes.

From France.

That's our

theme song.

The intro music to France.

They don't have an anthem.

They have a jingle.

It's used to sell baguettes also.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you put

an F, of course.

That's the way they...

You know the way they store the transport baguettes

in their ass.

Yeah.

Because they're always in the bicycle.

Yeah.

Like when you see a French guy, they go by and they've got the baguette coming out of the front of the bicycle.

You go, like, oh, where's your friend?

And he goes, what friend?

And you go, the one that sits on the front of the bicycle.

That thing shoved up his ass.

That's right.

You fucking hamburgler-looking bitch.

We saved your ass in every war.

That's right.

Every single one of the wars.

Vietnam, World War II, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea, Russia.

It is funny how much Vietnam

really was Jamaica.

The Jamaica war that we saved your ass in.

It's wild that Vietnam was because of French people doing that.

Well, I mean, they were just there first.

Nah, come on.

Yeah, it was their fault.

It was French colonialism's fault.

Otherwise, there would have been no reason for communism.

If the Vietnamese were allowed to just, you know, eat berries and do karate or whatever the fuck was going on on that god-forsaken ship.

They were beat up by Mark Walrick before they showed up in their limits.

They were trafficking each other and pressing on nails.

They wouldn't have needed to

become a...

Who do you think really won the Vietnam War?

I think that the.

I think we did.

I think that we did, yeah.

I don't think we've ever lost a war.

We won it if you think about it because every because you know, I don't see any American women painting the nails of fat Vietnamese ladies.

That's true, you know what I mean?

You know what I think about a lot of times is like the French and Indian War and how bad that must have smelled.

It was actually

in these Indians.

Yeah, it was a cook-off.

God damn

The two smelliest, the smelliest French fat guy and the smelliest fat Indian guy wrestling.

It just smells like the fucking shoe tree outside of the Chuck E.

Cheese ball pit.

Remember how bad that shit smelled when you were a kid?

Disgusting.

What the fuck is this?

Oh, yes.

You never get an ogre guarding the ball pit.

Did you ever have a weird friend that sniffed that shit?

No.

Oh, yeah.

Adam reacted kind of personally there.

No.

It wasn't me.

Did you sniff it, you fucking weirdo?

No, but it's fucking smooth.

I'm like, he's dirty shoes, and he's like, actually, it's pheromones.

He's like yelling some fact at the other kids.

It is the most common factor.

The other kids were like, fuck you, bitch.

I don't think you're never going to be on a podcast.

It is.

It's the most common fetish.

Foot fetish.

No, it's just the most common stuff.

That's what you're yelling at the other kids in a ball pit.

I was told recently by a friend.

It's the most actually the most common one.

No.

He's normal.

Yeah, you're deaf now.

It's weird.

I don't know anyone that says they are.

I'm Jeff.

Do you know anyone?

Like Alex Poppas.

He's openly foot fetish.

It's so funny.

The only people I know that are open.

I feel like that kind of shit is like, specifically with New York comics, it's almost like a put-on.

That didn't like.

Do Chappelle says he's a foot fetishist?

And being into trans women.

I'm sure they are, but I feel like there's like a little bit of a put-on.

That's like part of a New York comic identity.

To be like, I like feet.

I've seen yeah the the look in Giannis' eyes was the same when he was describing feet as you describing your electronics dude yeah I don't want to fuck electronics you do you could if there was a way to to fuck your sound no actually there is that's an option when you spend $700 on a receiver but I'm not going to a receiver you will because it's passive entertainment dude once you don't like to I don't like to fuck anything once you've got

my dick sure that that's what I'm saying but I'm not doing that okay what I think you you will.

I didn't have a choice.

If I didn't have a choice, if a piece of machinery

came into your house and said, I'm going to suck your dick,

first of all, there's very little you could do about it if the machinery had made its mind.

Put its mind.

Yeah, I said it was.

Are you John Connor?

That movie is just me, sucks and mom.

I am from the future.

They reprogrammed me to.

I don't want to say it

But in the future, this is money

We there's no more currency, so we have to I have to do this because it is giving you money

You're a very rich man in the future

You owed a lot of money I think about like the colonists that came to America like the explorers or whatever and like you know they meet the Native Americans and the Native Americans are like bringing them like a dead dog with some bones shoved in its head.

And they're like, oh, this is a sign of respect in our culture where we're from.

And

there had to have been at least one

colonist that was like, you know,

oh, well, what we do is

as a sign of respect is we put our penis in your mouth

as like a gift.

Yeah, dude.

So we have to respect each other.

So

I'm taking your dog thing.

You gotta.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's how South America was created.

That's Portugal, dude.

Yeah.

That's why they talk about that.

Portal.

Sports Gual.

I am from

Brazil.

Generations of having a man's dick in their mouth.

I am from Brazil.

I love to fuck and to dance.

What a funny country, dude.

Just half Nazi, half slave-descended dancing.

Yeah.

It's so funny how much slavery was going on in Brazil.

So much.

When people are like.

Argentina is the Nazis.

The United States

has such a dark history with slave, I mean, which we do, but

you compare it to fucking Brazil.

Jesus Christ.

Well, every, I think basically everyone has slaves if they could, if they can, like in history.

Yeah, but shitty civilization.

You know,

that's the thing where it's like you talk about the Holocaust and people are like, well, every culture has been genocided.

It's like, yeah, but that's not the conversation we're talking about.

We're talking about the Holocaust.

Right.

And like this specific.

And also not at that level of genocide.

That was some real fucking

real deal.

Like

they had like spreadsheets to make sure the genocide was not.

Yeah, IBM, IBM made the computer wild deal.

Yeah, 12,000 Jews died.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

Well, those aren't my.

I've seen 8,000.

You say 8?

I've seen 8.

Okay, I stand corrected.

If you buy enough IBM stuff, they give you those spreadsheets.

The number I think was zero.

Exactly.

Zero Jewish people died in between 1938 and 1944.

It's so funny that even their natural deaths

didn't happen.

There was a

Holocaust

revisionist conference in the world.

What I like to call it is the Holocaust colon director's cut.

Well, if we were going to just redo it with the original vision, where we wanted constrained by the studios,

we would have shot them all in

I used in 70mm.

I used to do a bit about how I got Schindler's List deluxe Blu-ray DVD, and there was 40 extra minutes of hilarious bloopers.

That sounds like a great bit.

Yeah, it didn't really work though.

Does it work because you say Blu-ray?

Do you mess up saying Blu-ray a bunch?

What did I say?

No, no, I'm saying in the bit.

Do you do like a comic, like oh, yeah, messing something up?

Blu-ray?

Blue ultra-ray, a Blu-ray.

Don't criticize my affectation.

10-4K.

Yeah, I think it's a 10-4K UH.

Is that where the crux of the bit lies?

That's fun.

No, the crux of the bit is that.

You do it the same way every single time.

Steven Spielberg thought it was funny to

blue person.

I did a sex.

I did a sex.

Anyway,

there's this Holocaust revisionist conversation.

I don't know how to speak.

Isn't that funny?

When Ahmedinejad was in charge of Iran, he had a whole bunch of people.

Oh, Ahmad Dinajad.

Fuck up.

This is guy,

Ajimanjunijad?

I said his name the right way.

Yeah, Ahmadinejad.

I said his name the right way because I respect it.

Yeah, he had a Holocaust revisionism conference, and the deus on the stage was just him, and then all these

South Williamsburg Ottoman on the head, like ultra-Orthodox Jews.

Because there's a sect.

Yeah, there's a sect of ultra-Orthodox Jews who don't believe in Israel and they don't believe in the Holocaust.

What?

Because they think that Jews can only return to the Holy Land when the Messiah comes.

So they think it's

so they think it's like sacrilege.

But the picture of

the cut, the anti-the holiday

picture, the day is so funny.

Whatever happened to Ahmad Dinijad, he was around, he was doing shit.

He's out.

Doesn't he have a Twitter now?

Yeah, I think he joined Twitter.

He's a shit poster now.

Yeah, he's a meme aggregator.

No, that's Chris Rock.

I know, that sucks that Chris Rock does that.

Whatever, man.

He came up before that generation.

Yeah, what we're referencing is that Chris Rock's Instagram is just a meme aggregation.

And now it's selfies.

He started doing selfies.

It's funny how even the best people become irrelevant at some point.

In comedy, at least.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think the next one he's going to do is going to be good.

Can you imagine

special?

How much George Carlin would suck if he was still alive?

If he was doing memes?

Yeah.

Yeah, if George Carlin was trying to be on social media.

Oh, my God.

Some old guys are not bad at social media, though.

I mean, Norm's not old, but he's not terrible at social media.

Although he tweets about golf a lot, too.

Golf and God.

Oh, yeah, he's religious.

It's going to be funny how completely irrelevant all the millennial comedians are going to be.

I mean, they're just.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, myself included.

And you guys.

Not me, baby.

I'm going to reinvent myself.

No.

Well, I was really surprised.

When the first time I met Nick, you were drunk and having the breakdown at Funny Moms.

And you got on stage.

And Brandon Wardell DM me.

He's like, dude, this guy just moved back to town.

He's fucking hilarious.

He's like one of my favorite comics.

You should book him on Funny Moms.

And you're like, just getting drunk at the bar.

And then you get on stage.

You're like, I'll tell you what the fuck this show is.

This is the fucking alt comedy bullshit.

It was.

Going up on stage, bullshit.

I mean, it was.

It was, dude.

No, no, no, no.

Which is like, no, it's not.

Maddie was like hiding in a box.

He was doing like a shit.

bad thing.

I thought Chris Milner was faking his accent.

You thought he was doing a bit.

I thought somebody was pretending to be British.

Pretending to be a British dickhead.

Well, they've really done a lot of research.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not saying you were wrong.

I'm not saying you were wrong.

Then shut up.

No, no, no.

But what, let me finish.

What I thought was like, oh, this guy's like very like, because that was around the time when Bill Burr was like, fuck alt comedy and that kind of thing.

I was saying it way before Burr.

If anything.

No, you're right.

You're right.

You're right.

He stole it from me.

Okay, that's fine.

But then, like, I saw your Twitter and I was like, oh, he's also a weird Twitter guy.

He's like a club comedy guy and a weird Twitter guy.

It's like a very strange mixture of two worlds.

I was very taken aback.

And then we became friends, guys.

Yeah.

I would say we were already friends.

I was shitting on you.

I was shitting on the show you were on and all of your friends.

Yeah.

Yeah, there was

early funny moms was very strange.

Yeah, it was like, because I also remember you tried to book Meet,

but you said no bits.

You straight up said no stand-ups.

Yeah, don't do stand-ups.

That was the original concept.

And I was like, that's gay.

Yeah, it was gay.

In retrospect, highly gay.

Like the name itself.

Yeah, pretty gay.

I wish we could get rid of it.

We could change it.

We could do something else.

It has a good, like syllabically, it has a good ring to it, but it's very, well, it sounds so tweet.

It sounds like a comedy show.

So dick.

And that's the fucking funniest comedy show name, there was one here called Dog Shit.

That's great.

Which is hilarious.

I wish that was the name of Funny Mom show.

Yeah.

You can do it.

Like, that's every UCB show is like,

let's do it.

You can't.

Make it happen

at fucking Tuesday nights

at UCB East at 11.

I'd love to do Make It Happen if you book it and you can get it.

Literally Tuesday.

Literally Tuesday would be a great name for a fucking shit.

Literally, literally Tuesday.

No, you're literally Tuesday.

You're fucking.

What was that?

Your black comedy night?

What was it called?

Tuilerious Tuesday.

Tilarious.

Troy to comedian brings you.

Apostrophe to comedian.

Two Larius comedian.

It's a comedian lapostrophe.

It's L apostrophe to apostrophe.

International Money Media Production.

Way too much.

LLC Global International Entertainment.

Yeah, it's always like Inc.

LLC trademark registered.

Like, just fucking went crazy on a business keyboard.

It's just every letter is circled like the C.

It's like, there is no chance you filled out paperwork for this.

It's too larious Tuesdays.

Way too much money.

Laughmakers Entertainment, baby.

Dude, who is that guy in DC?

It's always like a cityscape at night.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, like,

diamond plate steel letters,

and then maybe like a lipstick kiss, and then an old-timey microphone.

It's always the radio microphone.

So good.

The Larry King microphone.

Oh, God.

That's amazing.

If you guys get this, this is very good.

Remember T-Brad?

He has that mic tattooed on him.

It's like, well, do you do stand-up, man?

Who T-Brad?

If you've ever used it.

T-Brad Hudson.

T-Brad Hudson, baby.

He used to run.

He used to run fucking that show at Timonium.

And what the fuck fuck was that bar called?

Timonium?

I thought that's McGoobies.

No, no, it was a Sunday.

It was a Sunday night show.

Was it Cocoa Lane?

No, fuck.

Someone told me.

High Tops.

High Tops.

It was the land of fucking purple camo, dude.

It was awesome.

I remember having some jokes there that I thought were ironically racist.

And then I told them there, and they would crush, and I'd do them everywhere else.

And it was like, oh, this was just racist.

And those people are racist.

Yep.

They had some good wings, though, dude.

They have 50 cent wings on Sundays.

I think that show's not start.

I think that show's done.

Man, I miss those terrible shows.

They were so bad, dude.

It was like Monday nights at Fitball.

I miss Monday nights at Sidebar so much.

It's still popping, dude.

That shit was so much.

Well, I'm not drunk anymore.

That shit was so much fun.

Let's fucking do Coke and Weed and

go do Sidebar.

Just a new five every week.

Yeah, baby and shit.

It was so easy to crush there.

I only did it once.

Everyone was fucking.

Sidebar was my shit, dude.

Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah.

I used to go all the time.

What I love is that fucking, what's his name, Luke?

Oh, Big Dick Luke?

No, what's his real name?

He has a Big Dick.

He's the real time that I know that he has a Big Dick.

That's not what I asked.

I said, what is his name?

I don't know, but he had a beautiful hog.

His name, Luke.

He had that.

He was like a goofy ass motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah.

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you can.

Well, what you do is you fuck the baby and its ass.

Yeah, yeah.

But

while you're fucking it, it's, you know, dying

or something like that.

Guys, this is spot on.

You don't know Luke, but he sounds exactly like this.

Luke, um...

He was kind of like a prepper dude.

Yeah, he was like a finance guy.

Yeah, he was like a finance.

Yeah, he did.

He worked for like Merrill Lynch.

Yeah, and he would run that money.

He would go to Mike's.

He would go to Mike's and say the most horrific shit.

But he was a good joke writer.

He really was.

He was a good joke writer.

Luke Marshall.

Luke Marshall.

That was it.

And it was like fucking the most offensive jokes, but like clever.

But

first of all, you want to fucking hate him because he's like a finance guy.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, he's wearing like khakis or whatever.

And he's got such a goofy ass smile.

Because then you rape her, I guess.

And he would smile like a high elf, like a high one of Snow White.

Snow White had a stoned elf.

I recommended him for Rerod.

I remember that.

I was there.

I went there, and he fucking hated him.

He hated him.

And current hated him.

Yeah, curtained him.

And he's just like alienating everybody.

I'm laughing.

I mean, I think he's funny.

I didn't set him up for failure.

It was just I am a terrible judge.

You enjoyed it, yeah.

No, I'm like a terrible judge of

what will sell.

I have like, no, everyone that I've been like, that guy's hilarious, like killed themselves.

And everyone I've been like, that guy sucks, he should quit, is now has a sitcom.

So yeah,

yeah, every single one.

Nice.

But

yeah,

what are we talking about?

He took over the mic and immediately just assaulted a customer.

It was awesome.

He went straight through.

Some guy was talking and he was like, if you come up here, I'll kick your ass.

And the guy went on stage and just beat the shit out.

Wait, what was that?

Rollo or someone posted a video of a fight at a mic in PG County?

Oh, hell yeah.

One of those PG County shows.

I remember that whole crew.

It was like Lawrence Owens and

Naeem, comedian Naeem, and then there was like three or four other guys that all used to go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe, something.

But Shut told me about someone called

her name was like, I don't know, Brittany, the original

Miss Dan, the original damn she thick.

Miss the original damn sheet thick.

Fuck, I fucked that up.

Miss the original damn sheet thick.

Brittany, the comedian, the original,

damn she-thick.

I remember there's this girl, there was this girl, Kat Ramzinski, in Austin, who did some, like, they used to have these, like, shitty runs you could go on that were like, I don't know, the funny bones or the comedy zones.

I can't remember.

I never did it, but it was like Little Rock,

Houston, and then some other fucking shit town.

You do, like, all the three of them or whatever.

And you host like two times, and then they let you feature, so it's not a bad deal.

Actually, I don't even remember if that was it, but she went on a run of something.

She went on a run with these two uh black ladies from Houston,

and Kat had to drive.

And she was telling this story about like picking them up, or like she's going with them, and she has her notebook with her, and she's going through her notebook.

And they're like, Are you journaling or something?

And she's like, No, I'm just like working on a bit.

And they like both burst out laughing.

They're like, You write your shit down,

and they're like, Honey, no, no.

No, what you do is watch Monique videos and kind of do the her act worse.

You repeat things you heard somewhere else.

And no, it's not stealing.

If you put your own little sass on it.

Yeah, they were like berating her for writing down jokes.

To be fair, I don't think I've written down a joke in like four years.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I've never actually actually written out a bit once, ever.

Wow, so you sound a lot like these ladies.

Well,

I write down something that'll remind me of it.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Like keywords and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to put Useus on it.

But Lil

Seuss.

I was

about that Cat Williams video again.

Where he gets posted.

What you want to do, little boy.

What you want to do, little boy.

I guess getting two pieces by a child.

That is the best.

It is the best video of all time.

The one where he's in a target and he's giving people the finger after he slapped the cashier.

It's a really good one, too, man.

That one's really good.

I love Cat.

All right, we got to take a quick commercial break, and we'll be back after this.

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And we're back.

Is this Natalie Ambruglia?

Yes.

Yes, dude, Torn.

Yes, bitch.

It's my playlist.

Oh, man.

Damn.

She's in the beat off.

She's in the early beat off Hall of Fame.

That Dolmy 5.1 surround is really kick it.

Dude, she had like short hair, right?

Yeah, she looked good.

It doesn't sound as good as it should because this is just Apple music, which

doesn't put everything out in...

You know, it's a lossy format.

Yeah, no, what you need is

they make

super audio CDs.

It's completely lossless.

I don't think any commercial music is mastered.

Nine Inch Nails.

None of it's mastered in anything other than stereo.

Nine Inch Nails releases all of his albums in lossless.

It's more

flack.

There's lossless, meaning it's not sampled, but then that doesn't mean that there's more than two channels of sound.

Oh, yeah, I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't know.

Yeah.

You don't know, eh?

You don't know what you're talking about.

You You don't know either.

We record this in three channels.

Yeah.

So I could theoretically output

me and Stav as the subs and then you as the dumb.

As the tweeter.

Dom.

The little girl.

Power to sub bull.

Power bull talk.

And more of the

bassy.

You're the fucking twink-ass speaker.

Oh, fuck.

I didn't know there was a gay speaker.

Yeah, there is.

It's Adam.

That's awesome, dude.

Congratulations.

He goes to conferences and explains to people how gay he is.

Yeah, I do to fire up.

Okay, kids, you know, we're halfway through the school year, and as a special treat, we've got a gay speaker

that's going to really ramp you guys up, make you excited about the second half of the year.

You know, I know you think algebra is pretty fucking lame, but you know what's a little lamer than that?

Putting another man's penis in your ass.

Starring Adam Friedland.

Then Adam walks out on stage.

No, I'm not a famous gay guy.

I'm not an actor or a musician or anything cool.

I'm just a regular gay guy who fucks men.

No, I'd have like a kid.

I used to be just like you.

Adam's Dr.

Phil now.

Now, you might think it's cool to do drugs and say cuss words to your father,

but I'll tell you what's really cool: contracting HIV from a German nightclub.

From a Shiza club?

From

any number of From the basement of Berghan Techno Club?

I don't know who gave me HIV, but I've got it narrowed down to about 47 people.

There's a 72-hour window where I know I contract HIV.

There was a three and a half-hour window where I contracted the HIV, Ryrus,

in the third, the aisle 17 of AKB Toys.

After hour.

I had a friend named Marco, who is the assistant manager of AKB Toys, and he would let us into the mall, and we would go in there and fuck next to the Barbie display.

All 47 of us.

Just one continuous gay sex chain.

One dick into one ass into dick into the ass.

47 deep.

I guess KB Toys got fucking owned by Toys R Us, huh?

No, didn't someone say that Mitt Romney, Bane Capital, bought it?

Bane, they baned him?

Bane.

Fuck, I love him.

I love toys.

I love playing with toys.

I love seeing them.

I love jokes, humor, toys.

Oh, yeah, they're great.

Tongue the dogs out.

Oh, there's hoo-hoo!

That video is

all the little black kids.

I love that show.

Oh, my God.

If there's anything I enjoy, it's toys being given to children.

Absolutely.

Did you see that tweet after Trump tweeted out the bleeding from the face thing?

They asked Oren Hatch what he thought.

He's like, well, obviously, I don't think it was okay, but everyone's entitled to a dipsy doodle every now and then.

Oh, man.

More doodle.

Mormon?

That's when you rape a girl in 1920.

No, that was a whoopsie.

A dipsy doodle.

A whoopsie is the abortion you make her get afterwards.

God.

I grew up with so many Mormons, and all their moms were so hot.

That's so cool, dude.

Wow.

Everyone's so proud of you for growing up with Mormons.

They were sexy.

I will give, like, everyone.

Mitt Romney Young was a fucking

wife.

He was sexy old, dude.

He had that perfect square jaw.

Mitt Romney.

Never smoked a cigarette, never had a drink.

He looks great.

Oh, that's why his skin is so good.

Yeah, he looks amazing.

Mitt Romney could really fuck.

That would be a funny second half of his life if he just turns into a fancy sex fiend.

He fucks bad.

They all fuck bad.

Mormons fuck bad.

Like Gregory Marmalard does.

Gregory Marmalard.

Who's that?

Isn't he the jock in

Animal House?

I don't remember.

It's Revenge of the Nerds.

No, I can't remember remember which one.

That's a great name.

Gregory Marmelard is from.

Sounds like Marmalade.

He's the prep from the evil prep.

Is he the guy that was in Married with Children also?

Yes.

He plays Jefferson and Married with Children.

That guy, right?

I can't remember.

I think so.

Dude, I used to love Married with Children when I was a little ass kid.

Kelly Dog.

Oh, yeah.

Kelly Bundy.

Christina Fapplegate.

Dude.

Nice.

How about she is the hottest?

Gregory

Marmalade?

Gregory Marmelard.

Marmaduke?

Do you remember that big-ass dog that used to fuck up parties?

He used to ruin and make things messy.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

He's been doing someone else.

Whose bit are you doing right now?

I don't know.

Whose Marmaduke joke is that?

Who has a Marmaduke joke?

Somebody.

You're fucking doing somebody's.

Somebody call him on that.

This is it.

I know he's doing it because I know you fucking.

I know you've done it.

You said this to me.

Have you ever seen Ed Schrader's Marmadic cartoon?

No.

It is incredible.

And

I'm jealous I didn't make it.

I mean, it's basically

to do with everything.

Someone's dog, but he's dick.

He just took, Yeah, he just takes Marmalade

Marmaduke cartoons, and he fucking makes them about Marmaduke sucking people's dicks.

Well, you look that up, guys.

Marmaduke.

I got to clean.

That's the cometown cultural tip of the week.

We should start doing those.

Because we're really good.

Was it Norm McDonald that said that about Marmaduke?

I don't fucking know, dude.

It seems like Kat Williams.

He just messes things up.

Because you quoted it to me.

You were saying, this guy did this funny thing about Marmaduke.

I swear to God.

No way.

No fucking way.

You were telling me about somebody's Marmaduke, bitch.

Oh, come on.

That's what it was.

Oh, come on.

Oh, fuck that.

Jesus Christ.

It wasn't even a joke.

I was just talking about that dog that used to make things messy.

It wasn't a joke.

I just described the fucking comic.

You just did the prep.

No, come on.

You were talking.

Boy, come on.

I never quoted anyone's joke to you about Marmaduke.

I've never heard a joke about Marmaduke.

No, I'm not sure.

Besides the hilarious cartoon that I used to read every Sunday, you know, I used to

fuck with is Heathcliff, dude.

You know who?

Garfield in the streets, Heathcliff in the Sheets, baby.

You know, I used to fuck with Mallard Fillmore, the conservative news reporting duck.

Oh, man.

Yeah, that was my guy.

Did he have his own cartoon?

Yeah, all the punchlines used to be like

liberals or pussies.

I remember as a kid, there was really a Mallard Fillmore.

Yeah, as a kid, I would get the right-leaning cartoon.

I would get the paper, I would look at the comics, and I'd be so excited to see them, and I'd read them, and I'd be like, this is not funny.

Yeah, yeah, none of this is funny.

The far side was funny.

The far side was funny.

Family Circus.

Yeah, Family Circus.

Family Circus?

The biggest shit pile of all time.

They open a lemonade stand, and the E is backwards.

You know what's really annoying?

It's a little slice of life for you.

Every day, brought to you by whoever that pedophile was.

Alleged pedophile.

That guy was a pedophile?

Family Circus?

No, that's why I said alleged.

Oh, great.

You're a legend?

No, we're lying, so we have to say a legend.

I think he was actually a really well-known family man, and every character was based off his family.

Well, what's his name?

Is like a big guy in

a big pro-Trump guy now.

What's his name?

Fucking Dilbert.

Dilbert.

Scott.

Dude, I fucking love those Dilbert.

That art school project, that guy, Dilbert 1, 2, and 3.

Have you ever seen those?

No.

That's a good pick.

If anyone wants to look at a cool YouTube video, another good Twitter.

The one where he shoots up the office.

You guys ever Dilbert but Gay?

Did somebody do that for real?

I'm not even kidding.

I used to draw Dilbert and gay scenarios.

Oh, so I guess they stole.

They stole your shit.

Yeah, somebody probably stole my idea, Adam.

Oh, so you're now saying that your fucking Marmaduke was your idea?

No.

No, we're talking about

Marmaduke again.

Yeah, if you're trying to say that I steal shit, that's Obama duke.

That's just incorrect.

That's your trait.

Dilbert, but gay.

That's great.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

I'm going to be on what the fuck this Mark Marin is.

Before we ever started Cometown, the three of us used to talk about doing an official Garfield

web series.

Yeah, you remember that picture I drew at Dilbert jacking off the Garfield in his office?

No.

No, I don't.

Yeah, I do.

Dilbert.

It was a good picture.

You're a good drawer, dude.

Thank you, man.

Yeah, you're a good idea.

I'm just trying to give you compliments to deflect from your criticisms.

Here's a good one.

I swear to God.

I'm Dilbert, and I hate that.

He did the Marmaduke.

I don't remember.

I'm just going to Google Marmaduke stand-up.

You said to me, you were telling me about somebody talking about Marmaduke.

Who?

And they were like, you know, it was so funny because they were like, you know, Marmaduke's just that dog that just makes things messy.

That's just a fact.

But you fucked it up.

It was something that somebody else said that you were.

Ah, it doesn't matter.

I'm jerking off to some really gay shit on the internet, and I'm Dilbert.

Surrounds good stuff.

Right up my alley.

Oh, man.

I love this shit.

Apparently, there's a T.J.

Miller as Marmaduke.

Maybe he is in love.

I don't know.

I used to fucking, from the library,

I used to get comic book comics like like the anthologies, yeah, like Calvin and Hobbes.

A lot of Dilbert, actually, as a little kid, dude.

I used to fuck with Dilbert.

Yeah, it's for smart people.

When I was a kid, I thought Dilbert was

smart people.

Sort of

jobs, yeah, yeah.

What if we're like a tie?

I'm like, oh, this is for people who know how their computers work.

That's who reads Dilbert.

It was too smart for me.

Yeah.

Man, I used to pretend to read, like, to fucking be into so much shit because I wanted to be cool.

Dude, you know what's really lame is when people have.

I did did the opposite.

I hid the things I was into

instead of pretending to like things.

Well, I just thought, I just like, I liked maybe one out of every eight Dilberts that I read, but I like, I didn't get any of that shit.

Yeah, of course.

I liked Calvin and Hobbes.

I didn't realize that it was an imaginary cat forever, though.

I think Hobbes doesn't exist or something.

Yeah, yeah, and that's the same with Winnie the Pooh, right?

He's imaginary?

I think so.

Christopher's mind.

I don't think there's supposed to be any real.

I mean,

that one's just a fantasy.

A.A.

Milne, whatever his name is.

I don't know.

Yeah, so he had an actual son.

A.A.

Hole.

Named Christopher Robin.

Christopher Robbins or whatever.

Christopher Robin.

And then he made that

book about Christopher Robin and his stuffed bear Pooh.

And then that actual kid went to school.

And everyone's like, you are such a faggot.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

He was like

bullying shit.

And then, like, it took him his entire life to fucking get over being the fucking guy for Wanipoo.

But wait, it wasn't this in England?

Yeah, it's an English guy.

But there's an interview with him from like later in life, and he's like,

he finally accepted it.

You're a right homosexual.

I don't know.

He's just some old man that's like

barely not bitter anymore.

And he's got like a mentally disabled daughter that he just takes care of.

He's like a real sad guy.

That's a big change your name for Christopher Robin, dude.

Yeah, he could have done it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would have changed my name to Robert De Niro if I was him.

It's really lame when people are really into New Yorker cartoons.

I always think those are like the lane, not funny.

Yeah, I don't think one has made me laugh.

You used to read the New Yorker cartoons, right?

No.

We never got the New Yorker growing up.

My parents were a TV family.

I had a phase where I tried to read.

for maybe like two years of my life and I would get the New Yorker.

I got the New Yorker, but it was such a waste.

You need to be subscribed to the New Yorker.

I used to subscribe, come to your house, I canceled it.

You would fucking say shit like, Did you read that thing in the New Yorker?

Oh, fuck off!

Oh, fuck off again.

Please, you would say that.

You got the New Yorker and you would say that there was a two-year-old.

No, guys, I was literally getting out of the car from 4th of July yesterday, and across the street, there's a car that like parked at the stop.

This dude rolls down a window.

He goes, Adam, you're a bitch.

And I'm like, dude, and I'm like, doing that

and then I look at him I look at him and he goes and I look at him and I'm like who are you and then he he just like looks really sheepish he's like I'm cool and then he rolls up the window guys keep no you're just creating these lies where people think I'm away some sort of hold on time some sort of Zionist pseudo intellectual time out time out

maybe there's a little bit that's you know maybe we're doing a bit about you stealing sometime or whatever or whatever but we're just

lying we are not lying about you being a bitch.

You are a bitch, even if you don't do it.

I accept it.

If you see Adam in the streets, call him a bitch like that guy did, but don't be sheepish.

That's nonsense.

We're just trying to get a lot of people.

You know what?

When we growing up, we're trying to help a friend that you make fun of, but if anyone else makes fun of that friend, you stick up for them.

You guys would never welcome you.

You guys stick up for a friend circle.

Adam is a valuable person.

Oh, you crew.

You're the gatekeeper for the crew.

If someone mocks you good enough,

most of them will be able to do that.

That is not a way to bully a friend.

That's a bad bully.

When people go to jail, that's a bad bully.

I'm 30 years old.

I'm 30.

People go to jail.

They think, oh, you just pick a fight with the biggest guy.

No, you just rape the weakest guy.

Yes.

And then the big guys will be like, this guy's cool.

He rapes people

like we do.

We were going to rape him, but now we see he's also a

rape guy.

He rapes other men like we do.

So we're going to play checkers with him.

It's true.

Rape in prison is cool.

In the television room.

Okay, so just call Adam a bitch once, but don't make it a request.

Well, anyway, he DM'd me and then apologized.

He's like, I'm sorry.

That guy's out.

No, he's not out.

He's out from apologizing.

Why would you go up to somebody you don't know and call them a bitch?

Well,

did you look like you look right now?

I was taking something out of a trunk.

Yeah, this is a very pool boy look you got.

Yeah, you look like a bitch right now.

Why do I look like a bitch right now?

Because you're tanking.

You look like you're about to.

You look like you're about to pool.

I have been to the pool quite a bit, gentlemen, with my new girlfriend, actually.

You look like you're about to go into the Congo to compare your small dick with the gorilla's small dick.

It's so funny how small the cock has it.

Can I like eat some of your blueberries?

That's not how I sound.

Just kidding.

Just nising.

Just kidding.

Miskinje.

My name is Jeffrey.

What did you do for the 4th of July?

I went upstate to

Ben's rich uncle's summer house.

The one Nick and I went to two years ago.

Was there a pool?

I can't believe there is a pool without me, dude.

I invited you guys three times.

You did, but then you left like two days early.

You didn't let us know that you were going to be a little bit more.

You had to have a private romantic getaway at Kathleen Turner's house with your precious roommate.

It wasn't just us, and I told you guys to fucking come.

With the girls?

Leading

the roses.

It was me and two couples.

It was terrible, actually.

It wasn't terrible.

It was funny.

Two couples.

Three couples.

Gay guys.

No, no.

Heterosexual couples.

As a matter of

whatever that's.

Yeah, we're going up to the valley, dude.

We're going to go drink some seam up in the Hudson Valley.

Swap seam.

Seam?

We're seam sippers, bro.

Seam sipping, dude.

Seam sipping with my seam favorite.

Dude, I'm fucking faded.

I'm fucking crossfaded off this seam.

I'm fucking lit off this seam.

Bro, I got a stomachache.

I drink so much seam, but I'm going to keep drinking, dude.

Yeah, dude.

Do you guys serve Roddy's here?

Rod Stewart's?

Yeah, it's two liters of semen in a fucking mason jar, dude.

I'll take an Arnold Palmer.

Yeah, just Arnold Palmer's cum.

Yeah, this is the Rod Stewart Challenge.

My name is Jackass.

The Rod Stewart Challenge, like the fucking cinnamon taste test.

It would be funny to do like a Pepsi taste test where it's like

which one is better?

And then it's like, one of these is Pepsi, and the other is two liters of semen.

And then it's just a regular solo cup with it clearly has Pepsi in it, and then like a two liter filled with semen.

They're like, We're not going to tell you which one is which.

And the guy drinks the Pepsi, he's like, Yeah, that's pretty good.

And then he drinks like the two liters of semen, and he's like,

Yeah, I don't know, they're about the same,

the same volume, and viscosity, and color.

I don't can't tell the difference between the two,

but I think I have to go to the hospital.

That's a very good question, dude.

Same sips.

Let's figure it out.

What?

By making Adam drink two liters of cum.

Dude,

it would be so hard to collect two liters of cum.

Yeah.

How long do you think it would take you to get to two liters?

Like a year.

No.

No, he's right.

Yeah.

Actually, longer than that.

If you jacked off every single time.

We did the math.

We already did the math.

I did the math.

Nick did the math while Jake and I were there.

That's crazy.

It's something like 723 loads.

Yeah.

If you take the median load size,

what if you're drinking a lot of water?

You're having a lot of water.

What does water have to do with carbon?

It doesn't matter.

We took the average load size.

But what I'm saying is, what could you do to juice up to goose?

Also, you can't do nothing.

You can't do like

seven times in a row.

You can't even come three times in a row.

You got to regenerate that jeers.

I'm saying, what's the quickest you think you could get to it if you tried to do it?

We just answered the fucking question.

No, man, that's 723 loads of

speed of a car or whatever.

You could go.

go.

It's not the average speed of a car.

It's what's the average fuel consumption of a car, which you absolutely could.

If you come twice a year, it'd be like a year and a half.

Or twice a day.

Okay.

But what I'm saying to you is there's a way to get fatter loads.

Yeah.

Peter North, bro.

And with the fattest loads.

How do you think you get a fat load?

I don't know.

That's in your diet.

Yeah, Peter North has.

All right, I'll text Peter North.

He did have some.

We got him on the show.

We're going to have Peter North, Senator Cory You're going to want that disease where your balls get fucking wet.

Elephantitis?

You have enormous balls, and then you...

Have you seen that video of that guy coming for an hour?

No.

He has giant, swollen balls, but it makes him come more, too.

Nice.

It was on like E-Fuck.

So this guy could probably get to a two-liter pretty quick.

Yeah, sure.

See, that's what I'm saying.

Shut the fuck up.

Give me that disease.

You don't understand.

You are not a fucking statistician.

We're taking the median.

Nah, you motherfuckers didn't even know what average is.

How long does it take to get to the moon?

No, but imagine you had like a super fast ship that doesn't exist.

No, motherfucker.

There's a way to get fast.

How does a guy?

Why couldn't you get to the moon in 30 seconds?

No, it's not the same.

It's the same.

No, dude.

You come more.

You loose up your loads.

You come more if you're in love.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck you.

If you're in love with cum, with cum.

Adam just sits at home coming into his own mouth while that fucking Looney Tunes Factory song plays.

No, no, the bump, bump, bum, bum, bum, bump.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

His roommate comes home and he just hears like,

yeah, I'm seeing it as I'm playing.

You're not singing it.

The song's just playing.

Why is it muffled there?

Because it's in your room and the door is closed.

I jack off in the living room.

And then your roommate goes, oh, I guess Adam's doing that thing again.

You jack off in the living room?

No, I don't need to jack off, guys.

I have sex all the time.

Do you jack off in the living room?

I have, yeah.

Actually, since I stopped having a job, I've jacked off.

There's too much space.

I'm not worried about the privacy.

Even if I'm home alone, even when I lived by myself, I couldn't jack off in the living room.

I've done

in the last two weeks.

I beat off in the living room quite a bit.

It's a really powerful feeling.

If you're alone at home, I mean, that's the thing, is like you live with.

You live with roommates your entire adult life.

This is when the door closes.

When I was 21, I had my own apartment.

I never jacked off in the

okay, whatever.

What?

That's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is.

Well, how about this?

Would you jack off in the kitchen?

This is not where you jack off.

Okay, but that's a leisurely area.

The living room's leisurely.

Kitchen sex is really fun.

Yeah, fucking is different.

Every once in a while, you'll fuck in the kitchen, but that's different.

There's a lot of places I fuck that I would never jack off.

Like in the laundry room.

In the laundry room at a house party.

I wouldn't go in there to jack off.

In a field in Vermont.

In those secret corridors in the mall that only the security guys know about.

Those corridors are fear corridors.

When I was working for Wars, they were fucking like we'd have to go through when we were doing installs.

We'd have to go through those fucking corridors.

We got locked in one of those for two hours one day.

Me and Jesse.

We're just making swastikas in the cardboard with fucking X-Acto.

Hell yeah, dude.

That sounds exactly like something he would do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, wait, where were you?

I don't even know which one you're talking about.

Big Jesse.

That's just like a shop guy thing.

That's just a shop boy thing, dude.

Yeah, make swastikas with Xacto knives?

Exacto knives.

Cardboard?

Yeah, he gave us two hours locked in a mall security.

Did you say you fucked this guy, Jesse?

Yeah.

No, it was just a guy Nick and I used to work with him.

Adams Adam was cross-dressing and spinning around in the young Victoria Secret women's underwear going, I wish that I was Jesse's girl.

Trying on makeup and shit.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, and then he started drawing like a naked chick, and he was like, dude, this is cool.

It's like we have porn here.

So, like, we could be here forever.

That's a joke from friends.

Is that?

Yeah.

Well, he did that.

Joey did that.

Well, I guess he was.

Adam's doing a joke from friends now.

No one told you I was going to be this way.

People can fact-check your jokes.

You're acts as a bunch of shit you stole from TV.

It's not part of the act, dude.

And now everyone's calling you on your joke, Dad.

You know what my act is, dude.

I don't do any observational comedy.

It's all animation.

It hasn't been your bit, your joke, your riff,

and your idea.

This is bullshit.

It's not even your premise.

Oh, my God.

Adam steals all the jokes.

Try and think of something.

All of you guys, you guys steal from me all the time.

That's not true.

What the fuck are we going to steal?

You steal from me constantly, Nick.

And what have I stolen ever?

We can talk about this off-mic, but no.

Talk about it right now.

We can talk about it off-micro.

Personally, I don't like having fights in front of 150,000 listeners.

You got too many.

Are we up to 150,000?

That's the number I just made up.

Yeah.

It's actually only 700 people listening.

Incredibly dedicated.

We just figured out a way to juice the the numbers.

I love juicing, dude.

Oh, yeah.

I've been having smoothies again.

I'm back on the smoothie train.

Although, I went buck wild on the fourth.

I asked Julia Vins if she'll do the podcast, and she's not responding.

That's a

female bodybuilder, Nick's in Love, is going to do the podcast.

He's coming.

Hopefully.

Has she seen it?

Is this Coney Island?

No, no, no, she hasn't.

On the screensaver, on your TV?

No.

Dude,

that is my favorite place in New York.

I went.

You know what I'm a big fan of?

The Empire State Building.

No, no, it's different.

Have you heard of it?

Coney Island is a fucking

post-nuclear freak show.

Just so many fucking...

It's fucking fucked up.

You know what I want to watch again?

Warriors?

Requiem for a dream.

Oh, it's, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's Brighton Beach, I thought.

The same shit.

Right next to each other.

Yeah, same shit.

But yeah, those fucking apartment blocks are so massive.

Yeah.

And those fucking Russians, we walk down to Brighton,

they just go outside every day and and they're purple.

Just those old fucking men.

They all look like Grimace.

Yeah, they're just a Grimace and a diaper.

They look insane.

Shout out to Stefan Marbury.

You should get some of those Russian gang tattoos.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like Eastern Promises.

If you got caught with them, they'd probably get mad, but they're the coolest looking tattoos.

And the Schwitz in the East Village, there are a bunch of those guys.

I know what they all mean, so I'm going to get the stars on my shoulders, and then you can get cat eyes on your lower back.

And

that means we're like friends with each other.

And then everyone will know?

Yeah, everyone will know.

But make sure that you get cat eyes on your lower back.

I want everyone to know.

Because

that means you're the coolest of the Russian gases.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I want to know what cat eyes are.

I'm going to look it up.

Yeah, you should look it up.

I'll look it up.

I'll tell you later.

Don't tell Adam though when you fucking.

Okay, I won't.

What if I got bear claws on either titty?

That's good.

Do you think that's a good look?

I want to get a gun on my stomach.

Yeah.

That's good.

There was a girl that did open mics at Wise Acres.

It used to have two revolvers pointing towards her.

Into her pussies?

Yeah.

Yes.

I love that look, dude.

And like a six on her lower back, and then another six on the back of her elbows.

Nice.

Six, six, six down across.

She got a devil pussy.

She's a real dark mentality.

Oh, no.

That's me, dude.

I'm dark.

A lot of people don't realize how dark I am.

Dude, you're fucking tortured.

Dude, I'm fucking attested.

That video of Danzig

with the books.

Welcome to my book collection.

It's like 11 books.

He is the funniest person in the world.

A 40-year-old who's into Halloween.

Yeah.

Making Halloween guy so funny.

These are all verified stories.

Verified

verified werewolf stories.

Yeah, so basically this werewolf is coming out of a clearing and he's shaking a baby in his mouth.

Pretty wild.

That's just some of the dark stuff I've been about

my dark mentality.

And people ever knew what was going on in my mind.

They probably blocked me.

You think Danzig goes to the beach?

No, he seems like an indoor guy.

I went to his house like three times.

In LA, yeah.

I kept having to go look again.

It's too funny.

Is this a bungalow?

It's a bunch.

Yeah, it's like a big, I don't know what those are called.

It's like...

ranch house?

No, it's not a rancher.

It's bigger than a bungalow.

Arts and crafts.

Turbo bungalow.

One story?

Maybe two.

Split level?

No, not split level.

Oh, okay.

Damn.

Yeah, like, I guess maybe like a California bungalow.

Yeah, yeah, nice.

But it looks bigger than that.

I love the word bungalow.

It's nice.

Yeah.

It's funny.

Sounds like you get a head in there.

We should get a bungalow, the three of us.

I'd like to get a bungalow.

Dude, I just want a hammock.

I want a fucking, we're going to put a coconut bra and stop.

Absolutely.

Hilarious.

It's going to be great.

I'm going to start drinking again.

Grass skirts.

I'm going to kill us all on a boat accident.

Oh, fuck you, dude.

No, we're going to reboot Gilgas Island, dude.

We're going to get trapped.

A three-hour tour.

You know?

Yeah.

I feel like they would have found them.

Here's an interesting fact.

Good way to close out the podcast.

Yeah.

Sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

The Titanic,

James Cameron's Titanic,

you know, the ship starts sinking and then it splits in half.

Yeah.

And

they denied that that happened until they found the wreckage.

That was like the company that owned the Titanic, the White Star lines, refused to allow people to think that the ship split in half.

So all the portrayals of the sinking of the Titanic prior to that were the ship going down

and like going straight up in the air.

Yeah, going down vertical.

Yeah.

Because they didn't want people to think it was structurally unsound.

What?

It fucking sang.

So then like eyewitness, either it was eyewitness testimony, all these people saying like, no, the ship's split in half.

And they're like, no, you're just crazy.

What?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

What do they mean they didn't want to be unstructurally sound?

They fucking saying, who gives a fuck if it snapped or not?

The company.

You killed everybody.

Who gives a fuck?

Yeah.

Fuck them, dude.

Fuck them.

Yeah, it was the company.

I'm glad it sank.

It was?

Yeah, it was a kid.

Because he didn't turn it.

The night watchman or whatever.

Yeah, he couldn't see the iceberg.

Well, no, they just kept...

They had reports of icebergs, and then they kept going, anyways.

Iceberg, God.

What a fucking.

I hate the Titanic.

I fucking hate that dumb.

It's such a fucking meaningless tragedy.

I know.

It's not even that much of a tragedy.

Yeah, it's like 2,000 people a hundred years ago.

The rich people all lived.

Yeah, the rich people.

The poor people died.

Oh, really?

Oh, that sucks.

But then, but why I don't like that is because that's sort of just a footnote to the story, anyways.

People are like, yeah, and then it was fucked up because they made all the poor people die.

But, you know, it's about these poor lost souls.

You know, and it's like, it's no, it's just a dumb.

It's who cares?

Who gives a shit?

I bet you a thousand.

There was much bigger sinkings in that time.

I bet you a thousand

Lusitania.

Well, there was a German ship that was fucking sunk.

Well, the Germans were fucking up ships with U-boats.

Yeah, there was a German ship that was sunk, but Germany had like kind of, it was like a bunch of,

I think like troops that were trying to evacuate or something, but it was like 9,000 people died.

It was huge.

I just feel like a lot of poor people were dying in factories to make like canned like meats.

Yeah.

More so than the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, which is now just some NYU building.

Yeah, it's still there.

It's

right by Washington Square Park.

Yeah, it's in the LES.

Nice.

Well, it's

more of the west side, so you're wrong, Adam.

Incorrect.

Where is it?

Oh, what?

Grandma.

What's this?

Mr.

Tidbit.

The Villagio.

It's in.

They call the village the Villagio.

The Vaggio.

Yeah.

Remember that in fucking Grand Theft Auto where they just called the Vespas the Faggio.

The Faggio.

The Faggio.

It's a homophobic joke.

It's so funny.

Dude,

my friend, I was hanging out with my friend and his girlfriend one time, and he pronounced Faggio.

He said he was talking about how he really wanted wanted to get a faggio, and she got they got in like a one-hour fight next to me.

I'm saying faggio.

He's like, What?

That's what it's called.

She's like, I don't like you using those words.

That's so funny, dude.

It's so funny the dumb shit you've like fight with women about.

Yeah, it's really great to just be hanging out with a couple fighting.

That's the most fun thing.

I never tell you, I had like a relationship pretty much be destroyed by doing the parody song, Fuck Women.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the car.

You were on a road trip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because she got stuck in the car with me.

Doing the like, well, I'm the kind of guy who fucks his mom and dad.

She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah, me and Eldis were hanging out this weekend a lot with this girlfriend, and I think, like, it was like, I mean, she's cool as shit, but it's like.

He got a girlfriend?

Huh?

He got a girlfriend.

Yeah.

But it's like the third consecutive day that you spend.

What's Aldous's last name?

I'm not telling people his last name.

You'll find him.

He's easy.

But I think the third consecutive day with you spending time with your boyfriend and his best friend talking about sucking each other.

Wait, say this again?

Your boyfriend and who?

If you're her and you spend like three days in a row with me and Eldis talking about like sucking each other's discussion gunpoint

and shit like that, it's like, yeah, I remember Ari was like selling you

those edibles, and he like texted me and he's like, dude, Stop like really, really talks like that.

He's like, come get sucked off.

He's like, dude, I thought he was just joking.

I mean, I am joking.

He's like, no, no, Stav, like, talks that way.

Yeah, that's how inviting.

Yeah, people don't realize that we're all doing characters and that I'm like a method actor.

Yeah, yeah, we are doing characters.

I'm actually Michael Fassbender.

Yeah.

Oh, that makes sense.

In real life.

Yeah, I'm not doing a character.

This is me, baby.

Real name, no creator.

I'm ready to become a professional actor.

Hollywood, if you're listening, put me in the next alien.

I'm trying to be a fat guy in commercials, dude.

That's like a

acting right now.

Look out.

It's an alien.

What do you mean we're getting a divorce?

But I can't be retarded.

I'm the president.

These are all from my screenplays.

That's good.

That's good.

I think, Nick, I think you'll be an actor.

I believe in you.

Thank you.

You sucking my cock.

Thanks for that.

I believe in your ability to suck me off.

So loyally so, as well.

Sorry, I'm looking at Julia Vins's Instagram.

Dude.

Well, that'll do it for

today's episode.

I have to make a quick trip into the laundry room.

You and Adam?

Julia Vins' Instagram.

You're going to tape your phone to the back of Adam's head and look at at her Instagram while you fuck him in the ass.

Put the phone right in between the cat eyes.

Oh, Julia.

Strong, Julia.

Goodbye.

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