Ep. 58 – A Very Adam Christmas

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I sucked a penis and it's starting to come.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, too many inches and I'm starting to get an erection.

That's a Gay Country by Avenge Sevenfold.

Oh, I thought you were doing that.

Would you still call me Superman?

No, they're similar.

Yeah.

That was also me, by the way, not Savros.

Yeah, you farted into the mic.

I did.

Well, he's in the bathroom.

He's got like cancer or something.

Yeah, Sav is dying, guys, from his excellent diet that he's adopting.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to eat Leo.

I'm going to eat a fucking half a ham every day like a caveman would.

And this is going to make me lose weight.

But candy and slim gins, like a caveman that bought all his clothes at the gas station

to the dinner there.

I just need to ingest as many nitrates as possible.

What are fucking nitrates?

You know what?

My favorite part of what happens on the podcast is when I just tell a story, which I now, I've now

make money off the stories that I tell on the podcast.

It's a professional storyteller.

Yeah.

But when I get to tell a story that's somebody else's story that they told me,

and this is one of Jake's stories, it's very funny.

Oh, I do that all the candy, by the way, you fucking cocksuckers.

Yeah.

I do that all the time.

It's called stealing pigs.

Stop probably thinks Mexican candy is delicious.

I've never had it.

Really?

You've never had Chickolay?

It's bullshit, dude.

I don't know what.

It's literally like chili powder and salt in a, like, uh, in a little Coke bag.

Oh, that's cool.

I like to buy the colours.

They don't even turn it into anything.

It's just powder.

I like the dudes that do the mangoes with chili powder and lime juice.

I fuck with a nice street mango.

Street mango.

And I've had chocolate with fucking chili.

That's good, the lint chocolate.

That shit's good.

Yeah, dude.

I remember when I was like 13 and lint chocolate, I don't think it came out, but I became like aware of lint chocolate.

They started having it at the checkout at the grocery store.

And that was like, yeah, it's not.

That's decadent.

I'm not fucking being gluttonous.

It's like Parisian of it.

I'm being fancy.

Yeah, right.

Is that this is I'm being continental?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

But Jake told this story.

Hold on one second.

What?

Where are you going?

Oh, Phyllis is by the TV.

Jake Flora.

Yeah, Jake told this story.

Jake used to have a job, which is probably the most Jake job he ever had.

What is it, like a toilet?

It's like a garbage toilet that you're sitting in.

No, sorry.

No.

What do you do?

He used to work on a meat truck.

It was a truck that just drove around and like was he selling meat door to door, not even like subscription meat.

Like they would knock on people's doors and be like, hey, you want any

of these like sausages?

Really?

That was a job?

In Texas.

What?

Oh, wow.

Key jobs in Texas.

Meat truck, guy that kills retarded people.

Rockabilly bartender.

Rockabilly bartender.

Retarded executioner.

Number four is retarded murderer.

You got to keep the pipeline full.

Number five is governor.

Everyone takes turns being governor.

And

they get the final say on

whether or not to kill.

They strap the retarded guy into the chair, and he's like, can I go home?

Did it really pay?

Can I go home?

And then they're like, you get one more chance.

And then he pulls the lever and then that thing spins around and it lands on like a cow or

a chicken.

The cow goes,

and they're like, that means no.

And then they

get scared by

500 volts of poison electricity into his veins.

Didn't Rick Perry change it where like the Texas team.

Yeah, Jake used to work on a meat truck.

And he was being tutored by the guy on the meat truck and the

art of meat delivery.

Sure.

So this is just door-to-door.

They're not going to like supermarkets.

They're not going to be door-to-door selling meat.

Okay, nice.

And

yeah, so

he brings Jake to the door, and this is an old couple.

And they're selling meats to this old woman.

She's like, now, do these steaks have any nitrates in them?

Because

my husband has a heart condition and he can't have nitrates.

And they're like, ma'am, absolutely not.

These are 100% nitrate-free.

And then she was like, oh, that's amazing.

And he's like, great.

And they're like walking away.

And fucking,

Jake's like, are those really nitrate-free steaks?

And he's like, oh, yeah, no, this is going to kill those old, those old people.

This is regular steaks, but

that's just part of being a salesman.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

The art of the deal.

Yeah, I remember

when I lived at home in Baltimore for a year,

before I lived lived with my boys,

my mom would send me shopping sometime, and she'd be like, well, make sure to get nitrate-free

lunch meats for grandma.

And it's like, come on, man.

She got four years tops left.

You know what I mean?

We have to spend the extra shit.

Let her go out eating the good shit.

Yeah, lunchables.

Lunchables.

Put grandma on those little lunchable ham circles.

Those are just made out of nitrates.

I don't know what that is, but.

Yeah, I don't know what nitrates are either.

I think it's like Capri Sun.

It's like Nos, dude.

It's like what they used to do.

It's the shit in Capri Sun that makes you turn into a silver god.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

It turns you into a half-pipe.

Do you know how mad I was when I was six and I didn't turn silver when I drank at Capri Sun?

Oh, absolutely.

All those commercials that are like, all this shitty food will make you better at being like a cool kid.

Extreme Syphilis.

I just got like fatter and more of a Mountain Dew's whole

market.

I used to wear orange sweatsuits to school with a hole in the the crotch.

Hell yeah, dude.

I had a green shit with an alien on the front.

Yeah, dude.

The truth is out there.

I would wear orange sweatpants.

Yeah.

And then I had like orange sneakers.

But for a brief period, these orange new balances.

And then I would wear an orange hoodie with like flames on it.

Very nice.

That's cool, dude.

Yeah.

Very nice.

Wow.

I didn't wear jeans until I was 16 years old.

Dude, I remember I discovered my life

when I was like a freshman in high school, which was like jeans and a black hoodie and then like sneakers.

And it's like, oh, you can just look like a normal person.

Just put on jeans and a hoodie.

Which is, ironically, like that was like the comedian outfit

back then.

So I think that's why I got into comedy.

It's because I wore jeans and hoodies.

You saw adults wearing those clothes?

Yeah, and they all just happened to be at Open Mics.

Yeah.

I remember it was weird because I started going to Open Mics when I was like 16 and everyone else was like, you know, comedian age, so 23 to 28, you know, open mic level, comedian.

And they would all wear like khakis with button-down shirts tucked in.

And I remember thinking they were like, oh, these are like adults with serious lives.

Right.

Yeah.

And then I turned that age.

And now I'm older than most of those guys were.

And I, I've never had a job where I would, you know, go to an open mic dress like that.

Yeah, that shit sucks.

You see, people I used to, I mean, I used to, in D.C., I was a paralegal, and I would just, and that's also when I was fat as shit and depressed as shit.

And I would just come through with the fucking the three XL fucking big and tall

like flannels and the fucking dress pants with like oh yeah me too the dress pants with the fucking elastic waistband that shit was my favorite dude just going to the big and tall part of my life was just

that was a tough time bro I was the more hardworking Schneider years well you're big dude you're I guess you're not very tall but we already said that on the last one yeah yeah yeah I was bringing it back with the callback yeah first yeah, fuck that, dude.

Big and tall, you go into a big and tall, all the models are just tall guys.

Yeah, they're not that tall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where the fuck are the cute fat boys, dude?

Put me on there.

Let me model some fucking big and tall.

I love that fat boy when you're a little kid is husky.

Husky.

He's like a cute name.

You got a cute name for it.

Yeah, I'm going to start saying I'm husky.

Yeah, what happened to Husky?

I remember Husky just.

That shit was great.

And I love the husky.

Big and tall once you're husky.

I was a husky boy.

And I remember saying it.

My mom was so nice and cute.

And And she was like, making me proud of the adjective husky.

And I went to school and I was like, I'm a husky.

And I was like, you're fat.

I was so fucking sad that day that husky turned into.

I found out what it really meant.

Yeah, no, I used to be.

I thought it meant strong.

I used to love that shit.

My family would be like, oh, he eats a lot because he's growing.

And then it just didn't grow.

Right, right.

Right, right.

I was just sort of just like a fat person that became a small person.

Yeah.

I still have that attitude.

I was supposed, my fucking dumbass doctor told me like my growth charts.

I was going to be 6'5.

Did he?

Yeah, me and Eldis.

Me and Eldis,

my roommate who fucking is 6'6 or whatever.

He's like 6'5-6'6.

What the fuck are growth charts?

I feel like I never went to the doctor as a kid.

You probably didn't.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I never had any of this shit done.

I remember my mom repeatedly telling me when I was growing up that like, you're gonna be 5'1 and gay.

But I'm okay with that.

My mom would like preempt me being a homosexual.

What?

She would be like, you know, if you're gay, I don't have a problem.

She'd catch that kid.

Like, I'm like seven.

Is that why she said it?

No, my mom's just weird.

She preempted you being gay.

Yeah, she's like, you know, if you're gay, I wouldn't have any problems.

These are

incredible details that just keep leaking.

Every seven episodes, we get

a small little tidbit.

We're figuring out Nick through like echolocation, through shit he thinks is bullshit and it doesn't matter.

We're just putting these together.

No, I think my mom just wanted to like have like a fucking, like a

cool genderqueer, you know, like hippie son or whatever.

Like shit, when I was little, she'd be like, don't cut your hair.

You have such beautiful hair.

We go to stores and people would be like, and what a beautiful little girl with a vagina.

It's a five-year-old that has a pussy that's going to bleed one day.

And I'm like, no, I don't.

They're like, yes, you do.

I just wanted a haircut so bad.

The first time I got like a fucking crew cut when I was in like first or second grade, it was like the most liberating shit in the world.

Hell yeah, dude.

I was cool.

Finally.

Dude.

I had a cool haircut.

Dog, the bowl.

The bull was my shit.

Dude, when I first got it, I had a bowl.

I had bowl haircuts until probably I was like 13.

I had a bowl like a couple months ago.

Accidentally.

Yeah.

When I got it cut.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't remember.

I didn't stay back.

I didn't have, I never went to a nicer barber shop than the haircuttery until I was 25 years old.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

My mom was really embarrassing.

She'd take me to her girl.

I'd have to go to salons.

Fuck, we used to go.

There was this fucking Greek guy who talked like fucking, oh man, I forgot about this guy.

I thought my whole life this guy was gay.

He was like 5'1,

just open fucking silk shirts every day.

He had a perm, a balding perm.

He would talk like Dr.

Nick.

And I was just like, oh, man, it's so cool.

I was like, man.

And when I was like a teenager, I was like, man, it's pretty cool that, like, he was my dad's friend, Christo.

And I was like, hey, mom, it's pretty cool that dad has a gay friend.

She's like, oh, that guy's not gay.

He's like, yeah,

he like cheats on his wife and fucks all the like women he has that works all for him and it's just like not only is he not not only is my dad not progressive the only gay guy I thought it was his friend was just a fucking other dirt back it's weird like for foreigners

you can fuck your way into being gay huge Zohan vibe yeah there was yeah when I when I worked at GameStop GameStop, there was like

everyone else that worked there.

Everyone else that worked there was like a GameStop guy.

Right.

Yeah.

Which is like white, Mac.

Like cool alpha male who fucks.

Yeah, yeah,

white guys that are like, they kind of suck.

You know, like me, I guess.

Like a GameStop guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then like that laughingstock manager, Bill, like all that guy's story.

And then the assistant manager, John, who I didn't get into as much, but was also very funny.

Awesome.

The professional thieves guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that wasn't those weren't the same guy?

No, I assumed it was the same guy.

So the guy who shit his pants and drove from Bel Air to Silver Spring every fucking day.

He was not the guy who thought it was a professional thieves.

He was stealing, what was it, game game boy?

Game Boy.

Game Boy game,

but the two of them were very concerned.

But John was the one that goes,

This is probably the work of a professional thief.

I almost had to leave the store to laugh at that guy.

I can't believe believe that.

So what was John's.

John wore an Indiana Jones hat.

I swear to God, I thought that was him.

No, no, no.

I've conflated these guys.

Bill was bald and had a goatee.

I mean, it's easy to conflate them for story's sake.

Right, right, right.

Ha ha ha, a guy that works at GameStop and is a fucking loser.

Right, right, right.

My favorite moment was like we were all out on the loading dock smoking cigarettes.

And it was, I was, I was only there for the holidays.

It was like a temp job.

I think GameStop, they might still do it, but employees get like 25% off everything

during the holidays.

Oh, whoa.

So I was like, Yeah, I'll just work at GameStop.

Yeah, I remember that seasonal shit.

Like, literally, just for the discount.

Yeah.

And

we're standing out back, and fucking Bill's like, guys, I just want to, I got some great news for you.

And he's like, listing like stores and the numbers that they did.

And like our store, he's like, our store, $1.2 million in sales.

I don't know, whatever the fucking number was.

It was some ridiculous number.

And then then fucking John's like smoking a cigarette and like just waving his fist in the air and exhaling like

yes.

You don't see any of the

dude.

If you don't get a bonus, you're

you fucking make $9 an hour.

I remember that stupid shit, that pride people had and like fucking, like, I remember they tried to do that at the foreclosure law firm.

They're like, come on, guys, we got to get, we have to get, we have to hit these certain, if we get 100 hearings scheduled,

you know, you get like a fucking pizza party.

And it's like, you're literally just asking me to celebrate kicking people out of their homes.

Like, that's what I'm supposed to fucking, that's what I'm supposed to fucking look forward to.

Or at the mortgage company at American Government Mortgage, if you got someone to refinance, you got like a $20 bonus.

Yeah.

And it's like, okay, this fucking piece of shit company just made how many thousands of dollars?

Yeah.

The only place that ever did that where I worked at, I worked at a car dealership and it was like a family-owned car dealership.

And

I remember a couple of Sundays, they would bring in their like family pastor or some religious guy that they had known, and he would like sermonize, you know.

The staff?

The staff.

We would all sit there.

But then they had like this board up with where, and I can't remember, like, the my memory's hazy of what it actually was.

I don't think it was Jeopardy or whatever, but it was like a board with like numbers on it, you know, or like a grid of pieces of paper.

And they'd be, you know, and they would call on you, and you'd be like, I don't know, like, B5, if you got like an answer correctly, yeah, pulled off the board, and they're like, Yep, here's a check for $200, and they would just give you free money.

Whoa, and yeah, it was awesome.

I had like $75 one time, and nice, man, you know, but usually it was like an extra lunch or whatever, something like that.

Um, but then at the end, I'd be like, And remember, serve God, serve your country, and serve your company, you know,

yo, that's the kind of like corny conservative people shit that I can get behind.

You know what I mean?

It was, you know what?

It's like, that was, they were like very nice to me, considering what a like drunk, fucking, ungrateful piece of shit 19-year-old I was to like work at that place.

Imagine the, the, the guy that managed the used car lot was like the son of the dude that owned the dealership, and he saw I had like shitty clothes.

I didn't have like nice clothes, and he must have given me like a thousand dollars worth worth of dress shirts, and I was like, yeah, thanks.

Are these all the colors you have?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, he gave me like 30 ties.

Really?

Yeah, just so they were like so nice to me.

And I was just blown off work, and eventually I just stopped showing up.

You use them to like you tie them in together as like a pulley to jerk off, like from the start of the day.

I like legitimately, I remember because I left and I, when I was, like, I didn't show up for a month, and then I finally came in to like, you know, get my last paycheck or something.

And the guy was like livid, and he was like, you know, you're young, but that was like, your experience here was the most unprofessional thing I've ever seen in my life.

Jesus Christ.

You set the record.

Yeah, I guess, because I interviewed well, and like I sold a car like my first day.

So, you know, that's huge.

Yeah.

Well, I had sales experience, but my sales experience was like a cell phone kiosk?

Cell phone kiosk where I was a manager and I hired this big black dude, Mark, and I would make him go buy me 40s at the beer store at the beginning of my shift.

And then I would get drunk off Mickey's in the bathroom.

Nice.

And then just like fucking Wall Street money never sleeps.

Just sell the fuck out of some cell phone cases.

Drunk as shit.

She's just loud black women like, you drunk.

I'm like, I'll give you some free ringtone.

She'd be like, all right.

Maybe I do want an extra.

Oh, fuck you, dude.

Yeah, I used to love interviewing well.

And then just as soon as I interviewed.

Oh, story of my life.

Yep.

I'm the shitty.

And it'd always take people like two to three months to realize that the person they interviewed was never showing up for work.

Yeah.

That it was just like, oh, at first it was like, oh, maybe he's just, you know, getting his footing.

And then it's like, oh, this is a fucking shitty human being who tricked me.

And then it was like, too late.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It was like, I'm good at interviews the first days.

You did that at Vox.

You got hired at Vox and then I fired you.

You never said that on the pod.

You got fired a week later.

I got fired.

I forgot you worked at Vox.

That's the best situation.

You collected unemployment for like a year after that.

For six months, yeah.

For a month of work?

Yeah.

You know, remember that when

you just wasn't working?

No, I wasn't here yet.

I wasn't here.

Oh, yeah.

He just didn't have to work because Vox was like paying his fucking unemployment insurance.

No, no, it was the unemployment insurance.

It was the government.

State of Maryland.

Wait, why did.

Wait, the state of Maryland, really?

Yeah.

Because you didn't do it.

Well, I was going through that breakup and I just couldn't pay attention to work.

You were paralegal there?

Yeah, I was a paralegal.

You were sucking off.

I don't know if I can really talk about it, actually.

I can.

It works at Vox, so I can make a joke about you sucking their dick.

I don't know enough about it.

Matt Aglesius?

You sucked off Matt Aglesius?

Yeah, dude.

You went down.

You ate his pussy.

Matt Aglasius.

I really wish I could talk about it.

His long.

Dude, just a long.

Imagine his pussy.

It starts like

that.

So my first day.

It goes all the way down to his ass.

I bet you

get sued.

Well, fuck you.

But if

you can't get sued for what?

I signed an NDA when I left.

But this has nothing to do with

the job.

My first day,

there was a...

Hold on, real quick.

I bet Matt Aglesias makes women eat his balls like a pussy.

You have to say allegedly.

Allegedly.

Allegedly, Matt Aglesias makes women eat his body.

So he goes down on his women like their pussy.

So the first day, my first day of work is this fucking loose flappy sash.

Well, let me tell this story

while someone licks his balls.

Right.

With tic-tac-sized balls.

All right.

Somewhere in there.

Oh.

All right, let me tell this story.

My first day.

Soft little raisinette balls.

Like a fat tumor on a dog.

But they're not, the women aren't even licking the actual nuts.

They're just licking the skin and then doing his taint.

He's married.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

He's married.

And he's rich as fuck, independently.

Oh, really?

Yeah, his dad's like a romance novelist.

That's so.

Yeah, he's like a rich New York City kid.

Oh, so that's why he gets his

eating like a pussy.

Yeah, anyway.

I wish my dad was a romance novelist.

Dude, my dad.

Can you imagine how good you'd be at having sex if your father was a romance novelist?

That's probably why Matt's so good at having sex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that guy looks like a dude.

Wait, can I please tell this fucking story?

I learned how to fuck from my father.

He's wearing like a pirates costume.

He's trying to carry the woman everywhere.

Have you come yet?

No, stop carrying me.

Women don't need to be carried everywhere.

And then he carried me.

Women just want to be carried.

That's the thing about dumb bitches.

Oh, yes.

Fine.

Frauds.

About time.

I didn't want what.

You want a fucking pirate to carry you somewhere?

Sweetheart.

Quit reading books.

Thank you.

You're drying up over there.

You fucking whoa.

I'm going limp.

Hurry up.

I only can stay hard for three minutes at at a time.

I can only get on when it's a full moon.

I got magnetons in my dick controlled by the tides.

By the tides, I was going to say.

And high tide, baby.

He's a fucking nice.

They call me the Prince of Tides because I'm like that guy from the movie.

Isn't that funny?

That I was raped by prisoners.

Doesn't the moon control prisoners?

Have you seen that movie?

No.

The Prince of Tides?

The Prince of Tides?

No.

It's like Nick Nolte.

It's Nick Nulty, right?

He gets raped?

He rapes.

Is it Nick Nolte?

It's Nick Nolte and Barbara Streisand.

I always confuse Nick Nolte and the other guy.

Gary Beast.

I literally cannot remember which one of them it is.

I think it's Nick.

It's Nick Nolte.

Yeah, he's a better actor than Gary Beast.

The story is, is like this guy's fucking sister kills herself in Manhattan, so she has to go collect her shit, and he makes friends with her therapist.

It's Barbara Streisand, and she starts therapizing him.

No, thanks.

He's like going through his stories.

And all I remember is the scene where

there's some local prison they grew up near in Louisiana, and like these two escaped convicts come in the house and rape him and his sister, and like the mom eventually has to or maybe the sister has to stop the raping from happening.

But

I remember my mom like renting that movie and we watched it, and I was like, why did you make me watch this?

Yeah.

I was like nine or something.

Always look out for prisoners.

Wait, let me tell my Matt Iglesias.

I won't care.

This is going to be.

I won't care when you get raped.

It'll make me happy.

So, Matt Aglesius, romance novelist.

So, Matt Aglesius allegedly raped someone when he broke out of prison.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Okay, so it was my first day, and there was a snowstorm, so like it was delayed.

Are you sure it wasn't your first gay?

Yeah, it was my first gay at Voss.

No, it definitely was not his first gay.

Adam, like, wakes up.

Adam wakes up and he looks out the window, and there's all this snow coming down, and he's like, snow gay.

And then he's just sucking on a fire.

Oh, he pulls out the ice bill, though, that he has this freezer.

It's a snowman.

Snowman, he's just sucking on a carrot.

He fucks himself with a frozen carrot, yeah.

But it's on a snowman's face, so it's like he's getting fucked by his nose.

Yeah, that we all remember that day at Fox.

Go ahead, Eddie.

You couldn't come to Open Mic

because you were too busy filleting a snowman carrot.

I don't even get the bit.

Anyway, what bit?

Is that truth?

Snow gay?

Is that in the joking?

What is that?

First of all,

let's entertain that we are doing a bit.

You don't have to go to work.

Let's entertain

instead of straight.

There was a blizzard overnight.

It's a day off from being straight.

So I get an email from my like.

Finally, you get to be free.

I get an email from my boss, and she's like, I'm going to be late.

So I get there, and there's the receptionist.

There's a bunch of men running the Polar Express on Adam's ass.

That creepy animation that's not quite

a bit of a damage.

The first guy in the line has like a red light-tip dick.

And they're like, you fuck him first, Rudolph.

So we can ask his

wife.

We can see the way.

Rudolph, fuck Adam first.

We all thought your weird red-tip dick was weird until today.

The story of Hanukkah.

They fuck one gay Jewish man's cavernous asshole.

The guiding light and the biggest asshole we've ever seen in our lives.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, so

now then what happens?

It's really not that good.

It's your first snow day at Fox.

You're getting fucked.

Yes, but Rudolph the Red Dicked Reindeer.

So funny.

We're so good.

Rudolph the Red Dick gay guy.

Okay, so it's my first time meeting.

And if you ever saw it,

you'd say, is that going into Adam Friedland's ass?

And of course, the answer is yes.

Adam's very gay.

And one faggot Christmas Eve,

Santa Cabusi,

there's a war on Christmas, so we can't do just Christmas anymore.

Now we have to celebrate Hanukkah, and they do some weird shit.

So let me explain.

So now we say happy holidays, and we still have the tree, but also Adam gets fucked.

That way, everyone's happy except the Muslims.

Because who knows what they do during December?

Yeah, they don't really have anything to do.

Can you be Muslim and celebrate Kwanzaa?

Yeah, yeah.

You could do both.

Yeah.

Kwanza was invented in like 1993.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure

Nike came up with Kwanzaa.

I thought it was a B-plot on Martin.

Yeah.

And that's how it started.

Gino, we're going to make our own holiday.

Cole's like, can I play Ronald McDonald?

Cole, get to stepping.

Ronald McDonald is not part of Kwanzaa.

Damn.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

Tommy, you're going to be the snowblow because of your bald-ass head.

That's not funny, Martin.

I hate being bald.

There's no cure.

We had a lot of fun on today's episode of Martin.

But if you know someone who is bald,

please don't hurt their feelings.

Anyway, it was a snow day,

but it was like delayed.

It was snowed overnight, so like the roads were fucked.

So my bot, no one was there.

And I'm just like standing in the lobby.

And I remember like looking down the hallway and I just see this fupa just like walking towards me.

Nice.

Just this f like the

distance between

the belt and vagina area

on that gentleman's

midsection

is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life.

I love fat guy's dad.

He wears his clothes.

Shistav knows the way to wear pants.

It goes under your stomach.

Under the stomach.

It's unbelievable when a fat guy tries to get half the.

Like, we're fucking, like, anyone doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

You're getting half your stomach, and we forget that you're fat as shit.

Come on, man.

You like to permanently deform your stomach.

Yeah.

You just have a big fat pussy.

Absolutely.

You let the stomach hang down like a gentleman.

You don't fucking try and trap that shit with a belt.

And then the belt.

Come on, bro.

You have to,

you acquire that beautiful trucker-esque pot belly.

Absolutely.

You look like you bathe on the side of the road.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Anyway, so yeah.

Then he's like, can I help you?

I don't know if I have a romance novelist, Dad.

They don't show you how to put pants on there.

You know, his dad never wore pants.

He was always dick out of the silk robe in front of the house.

He just hears that.

He just hears his dad.

His dad is like extremely effette, silk-robed man with a micro-penis

that's going around in this

completely see-through,

you know, like almost like

a transparent shower curtain somehow, bro.

But it's red.

Coming down the long

staircase in the morning, like, Maddie!

Don't burn the toast again.

I have writing to do.

But then he goes to a millimeter penis.

But he does fuck, but he heard his parents fuck all the time.

That guy fucked.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

I think he did.

The author fucked.

The dad?

You don't have to be to fuck to be a romance.

I think he fucked, does he?

I actually think that probably romance novelists don't have that much.

Who's his dad?

Julio Iglesias.

Gabriel Iglesias.

Two next fluffy dude.

Fluffy.

Fluffy.

That's his brother.

Two Titans, one of comedy.

You know the right way to wear a pair of pants, right?

Shit, I got this brother.

He's Jadi's hair.

He's a blogger.

He's a blogger for Vox.

Yeah.

He writes little letters.

Yeah.

His brother doesn't know it's not Vox.

He's one of them.

He's small as Hispanic writers.

Letter Chuccos.

Letter Chuccos.

Crushing.

Whatever the fuck that means.

I already told him.

Yeah, that's Spanish.

What does Chuco mean?

I don't know.

Chico, it's a type of pants.

Chupa.

Chupa chupa.

Chupa, no, that's just a Taco Bell menu item.

No, dude.

It's like fake Spanish thing.

Chupa means get your dick.

McDonald's corporate.

Chuco is a just chupa means get your dick sucked.

Chuka.

Chupa and the panga.

Yeah.

It also means lollipop, which I love.

Yeah.

It means getting your dick sucked and a lollipop.

Chuko is just that ramen place that we go to by my house.

That's a good place.

Chico is like a little boy.

Chiquito.

Cute or something?

I'm a chiquito.

I don't know.

Chiquita banana.

Yeah, exactly.

Do you guys ever want to fuck the Chiquita Banana Lady?

And this is something I would say.

I used to beat off the raisins all the time.

To the California raisins?

Well, no, the little raisin box.

You fit in your pocket so you can bring them into a public restroom and jack off that lady with all the fruit on her head.

I used to, yeah, I used to fuck the raisins.

Yeah, I'm going to fuck your hat.

I'm going to stick my dick right there.

That way you watch her upside down.

It looks like you're fucking her bright.

You're a beautiful arrangement on her head migrant worker.

You beautiful slave.

Man, no, the Chiquita Banana lady, though, was hot.

I never beat off to her.

See, that's, I will say.

Wasn't she just like an outline drawing?

No, she was.

She was never fleshed out.

I think there was some media where she was fleshed out.

I think there was a commercial.

I don't remember.

No, yeah, there's been commercials where she dances.

She's hot, dude.

She's hot.

Shouts out to the Chiquita Banana lady.

As like a cartoon.

She's a spicy Latina.

Is she cartooned?

She's a beautiful kind of woman.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, Sophia Vergara.

Probably the hottest woman on earth.

Yeah.

Spanish people are so later.

Who's that?

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, is she Tony Parker's wife?

No, motherfucker.

You know who it is.

Who was Tony Parker's wife?

Eva Mendez.

No.

Eva.

Longoria.

Yeah, and Tony Parker cheated on her while by fucking went

Longoria.

That's cool.

You fucking smoke weed.

Out of a pressure.

Did you guys ever hear about weed?

That's a good character.

Sorry.

I apologize.

No, I'm just trying to make friends.

Yeah, I'll hang out here at the Home Depot parking lot and just try to interact with folks of your color.

Look, I grew up racist.

I'm trying to make black friends.

I know they like weed.

I've done it personally.

But if I say it at them, they might accept me for who I am.

4'11 cowboy.

Oh, I want to be a cowboy.

I want to be the cowboy, baby.

You got a cowboy from hell, dude.

What song is that?

Badass.

Oh, nice, dude.

Such a shitty song.

Cowboy.

It's a shitty premise.

Yeah, I know.

It's like, yo, man, I want to fucking write a song about fucking cowboys, but it's not badass enough.

Yeah.

What if they were like, from hell?

Like, that's fucking perfect.

Nice.

Dimebag.

That's Pantera, right?

It's Pantera.

Dime Bag Daryl, motherfucking Phil Anselmo.

Phil Ancelmo.

Do you remember when we got a cheap-ass voice, dude?

Yeah.

Nick was doing the Phil Anselmo tour of New Orleans.

He's like, this is where Phil Anselmo jacked off.

They're from New Child.

Is he from New Orleans?

Yeah, he's from New Orleans.

The rest of them are from Texas, I think.

Pantera is like a Houston band or a Dallas band?

Something like that.

Yeah.

Little Panhandle band.

Yeah.

Well, that's what Pan Samson.

Panhandle Terra.

And then Terra is.

It's pansexual, actually.

Yeah, it's pansexual Terra.

I'd fuck someone named Terra who was pansexual.

Shit.

There's got to be a bunch of trans metal bands.

TransTallica.

Yeah, Trans Tallica.

Kiss My

Mega Trans.

Postop Fucked Up Dick.

That's a Kiss cover.

Used to be a Manzig.

Used to be a Man's Egg.

There you go.

KCDC.

KCDC.

Iron uh Pussy

Byron

By Iron Maiden Yeah, Byron Maiden, there you go

fuck uh Judas Paris cut my dick off.

There we go, brother.

Judas Paris

that might be the best joke we've ever told on this box.

That's so stupid.

That might be the most mature, refined joke.

I love all the midget bands.

I love how many...

There's Mini Kiss.

Oh, yeah.

There's another one.

There's a mini ACDC, I think, too.

Oh, fuck.

They wear the same size shorts as the regular ACDC, though.

Whoa.

Yeah.

You took those fucking old Australians down to Peggy.

Yeah.

Sit down, Australians.

What is it with the city just being infested?

One of them has a fucked-up, one of them has some kind of disease.

I think the lead singer was replaced at a certain point.

Yeah, they replaced him with another

Anus and Clitoris, right?

Angus is the guitar.

Anus Young.

Anus, young Anus, and old Clitoris.

Sweet boy pussy.

Two traditional Australian names.

Sweet boy pussy.

Well, I'm sweet boy pussy.

Fuck the dude, my story.

But my friends call me George.

Anytime you meet an Australian man named George, his real name is Sweet Boy Pussy.

That's a little unknown fact about Australia that a lot of people don't want really to get out, but it's true, and you can repeat that directly to my face and any other Australian you ever meet.

Everyone's Kali and named George.

His real name is Sweet Boy Pussy, dude.

That's what's on their birthday name again.

Yeah, it's a name.

It's true.

I can't deny it, and none of the other ones can either.

Oh, yeah.

What is it with this city just being infested with drunken Australians?

There's a lot of them.

There's

an Australian personal trainer in my gym that's really hot.

I would love to fuck an Australian.

Dude, I fuck, man.

I won't take tips.

I won't take tips.

Good job.

Do another.

Do another one.

Yees.

It's like, god damn it.

What a horrific way to talk.

It's almost like she's deaf.

What is it with the when they say disability?

Nice.

When they say

accent, it's because there's something wrong with her.

It's like, I don't know.

I'm from New Jersey.

My father was deaf and an alcoholic, and he would beat me.

Never learned how to talk properly.

Never learned how to talk.

We're the descendants of criminals and hooers.

Yeah, what is it when they add an R at the end when they say no?

They're like, No,

no, no.

I was so drunk.

I was so drunk the other night.

I took heaps of molly and got just heaps of molly cake.

I was so fucked.

Yeah.

Shout out to all of our Australian listeners, though.

Here's what I'm saying.

There's a lot of people.

Shouts out to Sydney.

Shouts out to fucking Perth.

Shouts out to Perth on the West Coast.

Is Perth one of them?

Perth?

Yeah, it's weird.

There's only three cities in Australia.

It's Melbourne, Sydney, and Perth.

Really?

Yeah, they got an island.

And Adelaide.

Yeah.

Adelaide.

That sounds hot.

Dude, I found some reef.

I sent it to Dana.

I found some town in Australia that was like

Hibberbury Billaboob.

Oh man, I got to go back and find it.

Let's go to Australia.

It sounded fucking fake.

They have comedy festivals and shit.

They like comedy.

Yeah, it just takes forever to get there.

But I mean, it seems every Australian I've met has been cool as shit.

Let's go.

Me too.

But I've only been chill with Melbourne people, and they always shit.

They shit in Sydney.

Adam has a snobbery about his Australian design.

That's incredible.

Okay, hold on.

How many people of Australian descent would you characterize?

Australian descent?

Yeah, how many many Australian Americans

do you think?

All the Australians that I've become friends with are from Melbourne.

How many of them are there?

Maybe like seven.

Name them all right now.

Right now?

Right now.

No, I'm not going to name them.

They're going to lie.

I'm going to look them up.

You guys know anyone.

He doesn't know anyone.

Bill Bussey.

Sweet boy pussy.

Sweet boy pussy.

Sweet boy pussy George.

Young Angus.

And the comedy Dundee.

They always shit on Sydney, though.

They say that Mealbin's much more chilled out.

Mealbin?

Well, the entire country is Texas.

It's like a country of Texans.

Yeah, they're all big.

They're all drunk and loud.

They wear weird clothes.

They look fighting.

I'd love to see some big Australian titties up close.

I wonder what it's like in the middle of the day.

It's like a magnifying glass.

Just really inspect.

Yeah, but you gotta

put a couple in my mouth and suck on them.

Yeah.

After having some shrimp on the Barbie.

I have an affinity with the Australians because, you know, I'm also a former colonial British.

You're from the Commonwealth.

Descendant.

Yeah, a Commonwealth descendant.

So you suck the king's dick.

Not me, stop, dude.

Hell no, dude.

We never bend the knee for anyone, dude.

Oh, no.

Don't tread on us, motherfucker.

I respect any type of monarchy from any country.

I think that they're all magical.

The Saudis?

I love them.

Yo, what the fuck, dude?

Rihanna started dating some.

She started from

a Saudi.

He's like a billionaire.

Oh, God.

What the fuck, man?

That's it.

How do Saudis get, you know what I mean?

You get to be that.

I'm trying to be a sultan.

I just bought an all-white track suit.

Am I jealous?

Dude, first of all, it's got like this extended collar that goes all the way up to past my ears.

And I put it on earlier, and I just really want to go hang out with Japanese guys on St.

Mark's.

I smoke cigarettes with Japanese guys.

Isn't it punks on St.

Mark's?

Isn't that the vibe?

There's a lot of Japanese people.

What are they doing there?

They wear tight.

They dress like you.

Like me?

Thank you.

That's a compliment.

They wear like flood pants.

I follow a lot of Japanese street style accounts on the streets.

Yeah, you're a fucking loser.

You fucking like that.

I'm not a loser.

I'm pretty cool.

Yeah.

You know, you're a loser.

First of all, you buy way more clothes than I do.

Only.

Yeah, they all look stupid and they're all attracted.

Nick buys money to look dumb as shit on personality.

Stop sucking up to Nick.

Okay, continue.

He's not sucking up to me.

Me and him are on the same page.

Yeah, we both have the same thing.

You don't understand agreeing with people because you're such a detestable individual that

any sign of camaraderie between two individuals looks like some sort of social purchase.

That's a suck up.

Instead of just people being friends with each other.

It's a suck up.

That was a clear suck up.

That's a suck up.

Because I say he buys shitty clothes.

He spends money to look stupid, is literally what I said.

And you say it, I suck up to him.

I don't think that's a suck up.

Suck up to this dick, Adam.

And when I mean up, I mean suck it.

Just stop sucking up, dude.

Suck this dick.

So Adam is catching up.

Adam is doing uh Adam's finally hitting the weights, the weight room.

Yeah, I'm on uh one of the cumboys uh DM me from you guys making fun of my weight and uh my size and my body in in general and uh put me put me in uh in

get with set me up with some links on uh a workout regime bodybuilding sculpting regime so he's doing all pros uh so he's on a four-day split i'm doing gomads wait hold on i don't know if all pros is four days split somebody's gonna to email me angry about that.

What is All Pros?

All Pros is like a beginning bodybuilding program.

No, no.

I think it's a three-day full-body program.

I'm doing Starting Strength.

Which is a three-day full-body program.

Yes.

And tell everyone what happened at the gym the other day.

My new friend corrected me on my form, Gianni from Bensonhurst.

He said, whoa, bro.

Bro, what the fuck are you doing?

You're going to be a chiropractor fucking dream, bro.

And then he corrected me and

he's like, you got to fucking put your chest in the middle.

That's not what we were doing.

You were doing deadlifts.

I was deadlifting.

Set the fucking scene.

Where were we?

I was deadlifting.

I was at the New York Sports.

Now, where were you dead?

Were you deadlifting in the squat rack?

I was deadlifting next to the squat rack.

Okay.

I mean, it wasn't on the rack.

It was on the floor.

Sure, of course.

Yeah.

And Gianni came up to me.

He's like, dude, what are you doing?

Are you working out your hamstrings or your back?

And I was like, my, I think hamstrings.

And he said, bro, you're doing it all wrong.

And then he worked me out.

Gianni is a very nice guy.

He's clearly on stairs.

How long did he work with you specifically?

I don't know.

It was a good five minutes, but it felt like hours.

He sees you.

You came up to me.

He sees your little cat.

Cool, because I was trembling under the weight of that.

First of all, I was trying to do too much weight.

Everybody deadlifts wrong.

It was easy to fucking look at somebody and say they're deadlifting wrong.

Yeah.

I mean, I was lifting with my lower back.

It looks objectively like it could fuck you up.

Somebody's fucking aggressively knocking on the door.

I I don't know who that is.

On your door?

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

But the margin of error where it's like you would never say anything to anyone, even

with horrific form deadlifting.

Yeah.

How bad Adam had to be.

No, that's not true.

He was a good Samaritan.

For this Guido to fucking go up to him and tell him like, you're going to put yourself in the hospital.

Dude, he was wearing like

spaghetti strap tank top, too.

I love that.

He was one of those buff guys that had the very thin straps on his tank top.

Yeah, anyway, so that's gonna be me in the summer.

He kept telling me, like, he so he worked on form

with me, and then he kept telling me, explode through the hips, explode, explode.

And yeah, now I'm like, I guess, like, 215.

I deadlift about 390, I think, last I checked.

Which is like, you know what?

A normal amount?

No, that's like terrible.

If you weighed 215 and you were only deadlifting.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that'd be pretty pathetic.

I'm at 115.

Who the fuck is this knocking on the door?

Oh, it's probably a girl that wants to fuck me really badly.

Yeah.

So she's knocking on the door very hard.

So

come up here and have sex with me.

Yeah, it was very funny that that Guido Gianni from Benson Hurst helped me out, but I appreciated it.

I was like, listen, it's day one.

I've never done a deadlift before.

I just watched a video on this website.

And shout out to the comeboy for whoever that was for sending me in the right direction with bodybuilding.

I'm going to show my bullies, Nick and Stav.

I will forever show them.

It's going to be like that episode of Red and Stimpy where he gets titty implants.

That was a good app.

What we're going to do.

I'm going to beat you guys up at the beach.

No, we're doing the podcast.

We're doing the show.

Someone's knocking at the door.

All right.

So

what, so, Nick,

how you've been lifting recently?

Lift Boys.

How have I been?

Yeah, yeah.

Pretty terrible, dude.

I can't unfat myself from Los Angeles.

Really?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just old now, but like.

Yeah, you are.

Yeah.

Like, it used to be, I would go back to the gym and I would, like, just, you know, it would be pretty easy to not be fat anymore and look alright, and it's just not changing.

Welcome, brother.

Yeah, I guess.

Welcome to the brotherhood.

Whatever.

Who cares?

Dude, I thought I was eating a lot, but I clearly did not because I woke up this morning emaciated.

Well, you got to drink drink your own cum.

Okay, I'm going to work on that.

Oh, yeah.

Did Gianni explain that to you?

Tweet your own DNA.

Gianni explained a couple things to me about La Cosa Nostra, the code of silence,

the fact that if the fucking ISIS wants to come over here, we'll show him what we were made of.

Right.

You know, he told me a lot about that, but not a lot about diet.

But, you know, I respect exercise.

Yeah, but I was like, at the end, I did say to him, commendatory.

Commendatori.

Now that's respect.

And we both kissed each other on the mouth.

That's pretty nice.

Yeah.

So you have to have the swolpranos.

How about that?

The swolpros.

What was the guy that Tony beats up after he gets back to the Muscles Marinaros?

Yeah, yeah.

I love the shot.

That scene is a shot.

That's an incredible scene.

It's that guy's like arms and then fucking Tony's like insecurity.

Yeah.

And then fucking back to Pauly being like, I used to be the strongest guy in the army.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I did the pull-up contest.

Pauli fucking rules.

Pauli's the best.

He's the best.

He's an illiterate joke of human beings.

He looks like a cartoon character.

He's a

mafia guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a former con, yeah.

He's like the Snoop Pearson of the Sopranos.

He's like the me of.

But I wonder, you think he killed.

You think Pauly ever killed anybody, dude?

The real Pauli?

Maybe.

I don't know.

All Italians have to kill their own father.

Otherwise, they're not allowed to hit puberty.

Well, they have to do it to protect.

I think they have to fuck their own mother.

They do eventually.

Well, that's why they that's how they hit puberty.

That's why it's hard puberty is in Italy.

When you have sex with your mother and you kill your own father to do it,

then you either become a

you know velour track suit criminal or a fucking sad clown.

Pagliaducci.

Pagliacci.

Publio pablia.

Yeah, there's a story.

I went to my therapist and I was like,

I fucked too good, doctor.

How do I get my mind off of this?

Yeah, what did you say?

And he was like,

you should go see fuck Liaducci.

He's the clown that fucks the best.

It'll get your mind off of how good you fuck.

And then I looked at him.

I was like, but doctor, I am fuck Leaducci.

Wow.

Wait, so is this a real story?

All right, we're running out of steam here.

Let's go back to the Stavis the reindeer man.

Yeah, I have food poisoning, by the way.

The reindeer manager.

Let's take a second pass through those chicken wing bones that we already fucking ate.

That one was good for me.

I wish we had done a little bit better on the song, to be honest with you, boys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Rudolph the Red Dick.

Red Dick?

What is he?

Like a dog?

Yeah.

No, he's got a red dick.

He glows, man.

Adam, have you ever.

You don't know about Rudolph the Red-Nosed?

How far have you gone with your dog?

How far have I gone?

Sexual?

We watched you play with her nipples the other day.

You fingered her.

Have you fingered her?

I've never fingered her.

If the vet told you you had to, would you do it?

Of course.

You wouldn't just put the dog down?

The vet is a medical professional.

I'd listen to her.

Yeah, but medical professionals, I mean, you know, 15 years ago.

Dude, my vet is a very good thing.

15 years ago, medical professionals said being gay was a disease.

What?

15 years ago, medical professionals said being gay was a disease.

Yeah, and that's what makes them.

You know, as a member of PETA, what I'm fighting for is a time when we outlaw veterinarians and they include dog and cat medicine in medical school.

You have to become an actual doctor to operate on animals who are people.

Yep.

LGBT

CD,

dogs,

cats, hamsters, snakes, canaries.

Just dogs.

LGBTQD.

Dogs are part of queer culture now, guys.

Deal with it.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I feel like shit.

I had a warm pokey outdoors and I have food poisoning.

Yeah.

And Stav, you want to tell us about how you actually, it sounds like you got tud poisoning.

That's me.

That's

my bad.

Don't ever put your hand out for me to high-five.

We've high-fived plenty of times.

Don't Don't ever do that.

We high-five all the time, dude.

Why do you have to make a snapshot?

I've never actually seen, I've known you guys for both, I don't know, like five or six years now, and I've never seen you high-five once.

We high-fived at the show the other day, I don't think so.

And we did a snap, and Nick's like, that's nice, dude.

The snap.

He's complimenting it.

I was being ironic.

No, you weren't being ironic.

You were being sincere.

You know, the thing is, I don't remember anything.

Ladies and gentlemen, deep down, Nick Mullen is a sincere, sensitive young man.

Yeah, everybody is.

So is Hitler.

No, that's not true.

You have layers above it.

Some would consider to be armor.

Inscribed, burned into the armor

as all sorts of symbols throughout your life that some people see as scars and others see as insignias, like a swastika.

Well, sig runes or marks of the Templar.

And I consider my shield of irony to be a battle-hardened carcass over whatever sincerity may like Darth Vader's suit.

Yeah.

And while I may have have been good at one point, or underneath it all, I am, nobody remembers that character in the shittier other movies.

They remember Darth Vader, Empire Strikes Back,

most evil guy in the world.

Fucking shit up.

Right.

Who fucked the hero's mom, by the way.

Nice.

Which is what he should have said, rather than I am your father.

Luke I fucked your mom.

Yeah.

Luke I fucked your mom.

Luke I fucked your mom.

That would be me version of Darth Vader.

No.

And I got a bunch of buttons buttons on my chest, and it's actually just a Tim Allen soundboard.

It's a Tim Allen soundboard.

It's the coolest version of it.

I don't think so, Tim.

Pork rhymes.

Jill, Randy, Jill, Jill, Jill.

I fucked your mother.

No, Jill.

Ooh,

Jill.

And then one button that sucks your dick.

Hey, Wilson.

Hey, Wilson.

I don't think so, Tim.

Did they have an episode where Mark went?

Yeah, that's...

The 30-minute scene where Darth Vader is just playing the Tim Allen sound order.

Laughing to himself.

Not even laughing, just autistically pressing the buttons after Luke has fallen out of that fucking shaft or whatever before the movie ends.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Wasn't there an episode where Mark went goth?

Yeah.

Mark's Mark's goth in like the last couple of se the last season of the show.

Wait, there was a season where he was goth?

I think so.

Yeah, it's like the last one when like the game

and Jock are like both gone to college.

What are we playing?

What are we talking about?

Home improvement.

It's Mark

CJ.

Oh, yeah, he was got.

He had like that fucked up dog collar and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was the one that ended up fucking like some old lady.

Once the show ended, he married like some fucking woman of the show.

There's an episode of that show where they find Pot in the back.

I love that episode.

And they're like, fucking like, well, we experimented when we were kids, and it's like, just Tim Allen went to prison for

massive amounts of cocaine.

An amount of cocaine that 99.99999% of people will never see in their entire life.

Of course.

Unlike us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We

know it was a thousand pounds.

It's easy to remember.

It was weird when you had all that weed.

And I was just like, yeah, I know.

He had like five.

I remember.

Who was that?

Like, it was a fucking insane amount of weed.

I had two pounds of weed.

He had like 19 pounds of weed in his apartment.

Yeah.

Taking pictures with it and shit.

I remember like if I had...

I had never took a picture of it.

If I had been like 15 years old and I had five pounds of weed in my hands, I would have been like,

I'm 50 cent.

Absolutely.

I'm the coolest guy in the world.

Yeah, I remember when Ironically

stopped smoking weed.

I don't know why.

Maybe it was my cheap Jew

nature.

Yeah, I'm glad I got that out of the way before I turned 30.

Becoming a briefly becoming a drug.

Before you became 30.

Although, you know, the way

30-year-old man Jamel does it so well.

Like, he'll be like, yeah, by the way, I do sell weed on stage.

And then he'll sell mad weed after a show.

But, like, I feel like I'm

afraid to do that.

Stop blowing up your spots in a friend's spot, dude.

What are you talking about?

How dare you, dude?

Shut the fuck up, dude.

Apparently, he's under criminal investigation.

No, he's not, dude.

He's in Cali, dude.

It's legal.

It's legal, bro.

Yo, they finally passed two things.

Dope, CP, child pornography.

Dope.

Take that, Donald Trump.

Yeah,

we're going to fucking totally get Donald.

I heard some guy talking about it the other day.

He was like, you know, yeah, did you see the latest thing?

Apparently he had this charity, this Christian charity, and all the money was going to his businesses.

So

yeah, we're probably going to be able to do an emoluments clause.

Yeah, all these constitutional scholarships.

Can we just stop?

Just stop saying things you heard.

Yeah.

And also having these dumb, smug conversations.

See, my roommate had this friend who's like the dumbest girl I've ever met.

And like she came over after the election and she just lectured everyone on what the Electoral College is.

And it was probably the most like, I wanted to fucking kill her.

I would kill her.

She said, shut the fuck up, you hula.

She was like, I just,

I don't really do this, but my friend Gianni just told me how to explode through the hips, so I finally have confidence for the first time in my life.

I do feel confident.

And I am about to break it down on you.

Dude, I can't use stairs because of my ass.

That's nice.

You got those Doms.

Yeah.

First workout Doms, dude.

Dude, I'm like walking upstairs.

It's like naked.

Like I got raped in a prison shower.

You probably squatted too heavy then.

I squatted too heavy.

Yeah.

Where were you squatting?

Played on each side.

Yeah, you're starting way too high for like a

off the couch.

I mean, I used to like go to the gym, but

I never squatted or did deadlifts.

I like did like bullshit.

You shouldn't start at like your body weight.

Is that my body weight?

It's probably more

than 135.

Okay, yeah, that's my body weight.

Yeah, you weigh 135.

Shut up, you fat piece of shit.

135 is a fucking shit.

You should weigh 135.

Nah, dude, that's it.

Yes, you should.

That's what women weigh.

You're 5'2, dude.

You should be 135.

You're not 6'5 ⁇ .

Yes, I am.

Both me and Stav are easily clear 6'6.

The two of us.

I'm a dunk on your ass, bitch.

I tower over both of you.

I will be listening to you.

The listener needs to know this.

I am the tallest.

First of all, bitch, you're a half-inch tallest.

Smartest,

cutest.

You're not cute.

I have a lot more sex than both of you.

I fuck.

But I just don't brag about it like you do.

I don't brag about it.

You brag about it all the time.

No, that's not true.

Yeah, huh?

They do like a humble brag thing.

Yeah, you're like, fuck, I had to have sex with her.

I have to break up with some girl that looks exactly like me.

I hang out in Brooklyn and I'd fuck women that dress

exactly like me.

That's not true.

They have the same body as me.

I have sex with a snork.

You just see what you're doing.

Is you're a regular reproducible

sexually in this Brooklyn house of mirrors.

I don't have sex in Brooklyn.

I only have sex in the Bronx.

With the Chuccos?

Papi Chulo?

Yeah.

You go get your Chucco.

Oh, mommy, Papichuco Chulo.

By the way, dude, Cardi B.

Do not look at that.

I fucking love.

You know, I'm going to create a phone service, right?

She's for the hood.

Oh, God, dude.

Where the minutes are free if you're repeating yourself.

You get free beef minutes where the phone has an algorithm that says,

you know, like, but that isn't your man's.

But that isn't your man's.

But that isn't your man's.

He's cheating on you.

He's cheating on you.

Every time you repeat yourself, it doesn't deduct from your time.

So if you have a four and a half hour conversation on the bus where it says, are you going to let me finish?

Are you going to let me finish?

Are you going to let me finish?

Are you going to let me finish?

Listen, he is not your man.

Are you going to let me finish?

Are you going to let me finish?

Are you going to let me finish?

Maria, Maria, Maria.

But listen, are you going to let me finish?

That was just three seconds out of your contract.

That's pretty ficky.

Rather than the duration of at least my ride on the bus every day that I have to listen to.

I don't get that time back in my life, but you get it back on your phone.

That's great.

I like that.

Let's start fucking in the Bronx, dude.

Dude, I was talking to a girl the other day, and there was a girl that just kept saying in the phone, like, I have been waiting to put hands on you.

I have literally been.

Oh, my God, there is nothing I want more than to put hands on you.

Okay?

Because, no, listen to me.

Okay?

I love her.

I just want to date a girl like that.

Who's just mean to me?

Yeah, you want to fetishize and objectify objectify.

Right, exactly, dude.

These are beautiful women of color that have a respectable culture that me and Stav are simply appreciating

through characterization and works of fiction and by being artists, really.

Absolutely.

And you come in with like, I want to have sex with her, and it's juicy.

That's not what my voice is.

And disgusting.

And it's frankly, it's disrespectful to those women, and it's disrespectful to the character I was doing.

And I cannot wait to pour ans on you, puppy Chuco.

Okay?

Stop disrespecting this part of Nick's psyche.

I cannot wait to put hands on him.

Listen to me.

Oh, because I saw you.

I know.

I knew that was.

I heard that spring next to that ringtone, and I knew it was your ass coming out of his bedroom.

I told Victor he could cheat on me nine times.

That's it.

He gets nine times to cheat on me, but he does it again.

That's the end of it.

Fuck, dude.

I I don't need a gangster.

Not anymore.

I'm a gangster, dude.

I'm about to start doing crimes.

Yeah.

I'm going to start fucking robbing people.

No, you're not.

Why not?

Because you got too much riding on it, dude.

You're right.

You have a career.

You have a single city.

I don't want to be a people that love you.

I didn't want to say anything, but...

We love you.

I have a Division I basketball scholarship on the table from the University of Kentucky.

Dude, Cali Perry?

Yeah, Johnny Cowell.

You're probably going to go first round, baby.

I probably will, dude.

I'm going to hold out.

You're one and done for sure, Stop.

I'm one and done.

You're one and done.

I'm going to go play with Giannis.

For sure.

Yeah, how about that NBA draft, Nick?

What'd you think?

I don't know.

I started thinking about the movie, The Number 23.

Oh, that movie is so bad.

I saw that in the theater.

Yeah, yeah.

Yo, what's the

freshman year of college in the theater?

I wanted to see it, but I never did.

First of all, I don't know what Jim Carrey's even doing in the movie.

It's like he's not acting so much as he's just excited to be in the movie.

Interesting.

Yeah.

It's fucking retarded.

Yeah, I remember they were pitching it like some fucking awesome psychological thriller.

Yeah, I'm sure somebody thought that's what it was.

And what was it?

It's like...

He just sees the number 23 everywhere.

Michael Jordan cucks him.

Yeah, yeah.

Michael Jordan kills his infant.

The funniest part is that he's like goth, like leather duster kind of guy in it.

Yeah, he's like a cop.

He's doing weird shit with his hair.

Is he Scientology?

He's got some weird shit going on.

You know, the most tragic thing in the world is when, like, a fucking funny person wants to be taken seriously.

But he is a good actor.

I mean, that's why comedy is being ruined, is because all the fucking comedians are going to be like, actually, I'm an intellectual now.

Yeah, I hate that.

Just admit you're stupid, man.

I'm stupid as shit.

All I'm good at is making people laugh by talking about it.

Talking stupid.

I'm a fucking genius, but I'm hilarious.

And also, I focus on being hilarious through my geniosity.

I've been doing Luminosity.

Oh, man.

How bad did you want to fuck that woman from the Luminosity commercials?

What is that?

Remember that shit?

I don't.

I like to be smarter.

She would come on.

It's like a girl with a pixie cut.

And she'd be like, it's like fucking, it's like doing push-ups for your brain.

I thought it was like a hot natural hair black girl.

No, I mean, they had a bunch of people in the commercials, but there was one girl in the fucking Luminosity commercial that was.

I think it was Lumosity.

I don't know.

Something like that.

Yeah, it is Lumosity.

Lumosity.

Well, fucking reton.

Luminosity.

You smart now, dude.

I knew what it was.

No, you didn't.

I've actually, I've done

all of them.

Brain trains.

Imagine being such a fucking stupid idiot that you

download an app to be smarter.

Beyonce was in one of those apps.

I was like, insecure piece of shit where you're like, yeah, I'm going to do puzzles for babies

until people respect me.

Dude, it's proven that Angry Birds makes you

wild smart.

Yeah, your spatial understanding.

Yeah, yeah.

You get crazy smart from that.

How about Commosity?

Oh, yeah.

No, I should say.

I see this woman.

Yeah, we should do an app.

Commocity?

Yeah.

You know what?

I don't really want to fuck her that much.

I'm looking at it right now.

You don't, Stuff?

The one with the Pixie haircut?

No.

Yeah.

But the black girl you were talking about, yes, 100.

Emily is the one.

And there's a redhead that I'm all in.

Yeah, look, dude, if you just type in Lumosity, it populates girl, naked pictures, jack off, previous searches that I've done.

Everybody does them.

Yeah, I guess now looking at it again, not so much.

I think it was more the mannerisms or whatever.

Yeah, her spirit.

Yeah.

That's cool.

What else is going on, guys?

I don't know, man.

Estavres is sick.

No, you don't tell me to shut up.

You don't tell me to shut up.

Gianni made a business out of telling you to shut up.

Gianni told me that the next time I listen to the gum down and you listen all and bullies you again, you explode through the hips.

Explode through the hips.

Point with your pinky.

Does he point him with this pinky?

Yeah, he pointed with this pinky thumb.

But just as pinky, no, no, no.

Index pinky thumb, dude.

Oh my god, I love that.

That's the best.

I love pointing like that.

Yeah, that's pointing with rock hands.

Yeah, it's like rock and roll, but sideways.

Dude, the double points.

Pointing with two fingers at any time is awesome.

Oh, man, try this out.

This is great.

You fucking...

Listen to me, you fucking bitch.

Oh, wow, this is great.

I feel like Michael Douglas.

This is a powerful business.

There's something about pointing with two fingers that I love.

Listen to me, you fucking piece of two non-consecutive fingers, pointing with the shocker.

You're going to come over.

You're going to fuck my wife.

I'm going to fuck your wife.

And then we're going to make money in the stock market.

We're going to fuck the stock market.

We're going to fuck each other's wives.

I'm going to fuck you.

You're going to fuck me.

I'm Michael fucking Douglas, and this is fucking a movie.

The greatest fucking movie of the 1980s.

That sounds like a good movie.

What if a man had a brain made out of leather?

What if a man?

Leather suede brain compacted by years of cocaine abuse and sunglasses that prevented any kind of light from reaching his retinas.

A cavernous leather brain that turned him into a fuck machine that said, fuck you, and fucked and got fucked and never got his dick hard completely.

But he still had sex.

Dude, I watched that.

Oh, yeah, brother.

That sounds like a

movie, dude.

Directed by Tony Scott.

Dude, I'm so sad he died.

I wish you were

so sad that Tony Scott died.

Did he teach you it was okay to be weird?

No, he's committed suicide.

I typed in Lumazity Girl, and then fucking Bing suggested Lumazity Girl Sexy.

Really?

For the first result, is this grandma opening her push?

What the fuck?

Are you serious?

What the fuck?

Dude, bring it up.

Luman City Girl Sexy

on Bing.

Bing brings up the girl.

Do you get Starbucks

from Wild West, dude?

Bing is like, well, no, Bing uses it because he gets Starbucks gift cards somehow out of it.

Look at this.

This is one of the other results.

That's what he says.

This is, man, we're like Abercrombie in one picture and then his dick's out in the second.

That's good stuff.

You get Starbucks gift cards out of using gifts.

Yeah, dude.

They pay you to use Bing.

You get all sorts of shit.

Yeah, GameStop gift cards, Amazon gift cards, Starbucks gift cards.

How do you do that?

It's like $5 a month in free fucking shit.

No way.

Yeah, dude, just sign up for Bing Rewards.

Bingrewards.com.

Use promo code ComeTown to get me free rewards.

All you have to do is have a podcast, get Bing to sponsor you.

And we're sponsored by Bing?

Yeah, no.

No, Bing Rewards is, it's like, it's because it sucks.

Bing sucks dick.

Damn, imagine being that bad at being a search engine.

You have to pay people.

It's like a fucking kid who sucks, so his dad's like, fucking daddy.

I'll buy your friend's ice cream.

I'll buy this kid's ice cream.

I'm too hanging friends with my son.

Yeah.

Oh, the rich kid you had to hang out with.

I'm going to be one of those dads to my son.

I remember.

Even though my son's like a beat it, I'm going to preemptively go to the school and be like, boo,

attention, everyone.

My name is Mr.

Mullen.

I'm Nancy's father.

My son, Nancy.

Now, everyone knows Nancy's a faggot.

I wouldn't hang out with him either, but I have a lot of money.

So if you hang out with him, I'll buy you video games.

Just make sure he knows that you don't actually want to be friends with him.

Thank you.

Yeah, dude.

I can't wait to be a loving father to my children.

I remember there was a kid like that who's like this Russian kid in elementary school.

And

his dad used to just throw the wild fancy rich kid birthday parties at a tennis court, pool.

Damn.

And like, so we'd like hang out with him, get like that good, good

food and shit.

Anyway, so

once I'd hang out with him sometimes, and his dad just had this young Russian guy driving a Jaguar.

I remember it was the first time I'd ever seen a Jaguar or been in a Jaguar, and he was like his dad's body man.

He would basically drive Alex around.

He took us to go see First Kid with Sinbad.

First Kid ruled.

Anyway, it turns out, like, two years after that, I guess we were in third grade together.

Guys, we should watch Australia.

We should watch all the Sinbad movies together.

Yeah, we should.

Dan goes to Australia.

His dad, his dad ran from the feds

to like Russian mafia.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, it was crazy.

It's actually not a bad story.

Yeah, yeah.

It was pretty wild.

Well, maybe if someone better at stories was

you're looking at your phone right now.

Oh, fuck.

This story was almost wasted by it having have happened to Adam.

I wish it could have been told by a better storyteller.

I remember he was like, he was like, listen.

You're like the Garrison Keeler of our group.

He's a very good.

You're the the gay old one.

You're the oldest one, and you're gay.

That's true.

You are the oldest one.

You don't brag about that that often.

That's not cool to be old.

It's cool to be tall.

You're not even tall.

I am tall.

I tower over you guys.

You're like just your average height for an American.

And you guys are tiny.

Actually, I'm average height.

Adam's a little taller than average.

I'm going to kill myself.

I feel horrible, dude.

Yeah, Stop.

Feel good.

You're going to get full or some shit.

What's good for yourself?

Stop.

You got upset.

You're like,

can we wrap this out on the pod maybe?

You got upset that I don't like to titty fuck?

Yeah, dude.

We talked about it on the pod.

No, no, no, no.

Stav.

Stav.

This is where this conversation happens.

Yes.

I was thinking about it because we talked about it.

Stava went on a tweet storm yesterday about it.

So I just wanted to

talk on the pod about it.

Yeah, it's ridiculous to not want to fuck titties, but we have covered it.

No, it's for 15-year-olds.

You know what I like?

That's kind of an autistic thing.

What?

Things that are the wrong size.

Like a giant pencil?

Like a giant pencil?

I used to have a girlfriend fucking really into that shit.

I used to have a girlfriend that was afraid of the park when I was a kid.

I know where you're going with this.

Where am I going?

Big, big fucking chocolate bar?

The Big Hershey's Kiss.

Oh.

There was a Big Hershey's Kiss that was like a piggy bank.

And I was like this huge Hershey's Kiss.

And me as an autistic five-year-old was like, this is the greatest thing in the world.

It's the wrong size.

Just massaging this fucked up part of your brain.

But those are small.

Inverted neurons or whatever the fuck happens.

Yeah.

Doesn't he talk about that in the accountant?

Like things that are non-what's it called?

Whatever.

I'm going to buy a big book of different swatches of textures that I can feel.

Oh.

That's cool.

Yeah.

My friend told me that he learned how to jack off with beaver pelts.

Damn.

Nice.

That's like that's Jerry Roosevelt.

He made that rules.

Yeah, he used to fuck like pelts and furs.

How rich was he?

You go out and you pick up some Oregon tail.

Yeah.

Oregon tail, dude.

You got to learn how to beat off beforehand.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

He fucked them while they were the animal.

He didn't fuck them.

I learned how to jack off with the remains of a native tribe that I eviscerated for the 50-cent bounty

for each scalp.

Yeah.

I bet you fucking brains brains would feel good.

Yeah.

Like a brain is

a lot of songs about it.

Really?

No, it's not a sound.

Yeah, most Marilyn Manson songs.

Sorry about that.

Is it skull fucking?

That's like a big thing in metal.

Yeah, but doesn't skull fucking just mean...

In the ear?

No, you get it.

It used to mean hollowing out.

Pulling an eye out of the socket and then fucking.

Really?

Yeah, I thought so, but then it became like just blowjobs.

I thought it's like a real intense blowjob.

Yeah, that's face fucking or mouth fucking.

Yeah.

I think I've heard skull fucking lumped in with those two.

I thought it was you put it in an ear, but like, how could you even get a dick in an ear?

Well, you know, when your dick is

going to be in an ear.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

It's a very small scene, my dick.

A normal-sized ear, it would have to be an ear.

I believe.

Don't fucking disparage yourself, Adam.

I'm sure you could fit your dick in an ear at least.

Oh, guys.

Guys, guys, guys.

You walked right into that.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, come on, man.

No.

That was automatic, dude.

Now you're sucking up to Stoff.

Suck up to this dick.

Like I said.

Yeah, suck up to his dick, Adam.

Starting at my toes.

Stop, your dick is looking very nice today.

Thanks, bro.

I just wanted to give you a compliment.

Oh, man.

I'm so happy about this track suit.

Yeah, fuck you.

Guys, Adidas now has a fucking

white track suit.

With white striping, too?

Blue stripes.

Oh, that's your.

They make the white-striped one in like that Tiro or whatever that low-tier bullshit track suit is.

But now they have like a superstar,

the higher-end all-white track suit.

With blue stripes.

With blue stripes.

Grease colours, dude.

That's grease.

Exaggerated colour.

Nick is doing it for Israel.

Nick's doing it for Grease Zoe.

He's pro-occupation.

Yeah, so I'm doing it for Israel.

He's a cryptozyme.

He's a massad agent who started a podcast to attract Nazis to the cause.

It starts off with small things like telling them to vote for Bernie Sanders, and then eventually

it becomes fascist again, but for Israel?

Yeah.

I don't know exactly how it works.

I think that's how it works.

All right, yeah, we got to figure out a way to end this one.

A quick 30-second movie review.

I just watched

They Come at Night.

Oh, I watched Glow, that wrestling show.

I didn't watch They Come at Night.

I don't know.

I have no idea what it's about.

I just watched El Lorado with John Wayne.

You can see Allison Brees Titties in the first movie.

This is the problem, man.

It's awesome.

If I don't watch at least a movie a day, I have nothing to talk about.

Really?

Yeah, I fucked up.

They added a new map, the Battlefield.

So now you're really putting work in.

Well, you know, I had to unlock all the different guns.

Well, also,

Nick has a very special thing going on.

I can't talk about it.

I can't talk about it.

Oh, yeah.

NDAs matter on this podcast?

On my podcast, yeah.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I won't race.

Maybe if you start your own podcast, you can

do all the NDAs you want, and you can edit out the parts about Matt Aglace's alleged fucking 13-inch pussy.

But until that day comes, you will respect my NDAs.

That was literally the second clause.

It was I couldn't mention the 13-inch pussy.

Very good.

I was very pleased to have you on board at Vox, but it is the utmost importance that you do not mention Mattaglesius' 13-inch pussy.

Dude, I just couldn't get over those pants.

Those fucking khaki pants so tight.

Like a fat guy shouldn't wear anything tight, but like

belly button.

Do you want to fucking argue with that?

I can wear whatever the fuck I want.

Don't police me, Moe.

You don't wear skinny jeans.

You wear like...

I might.

He wears tight shirts.

He wears...

No, he wears like 2x's.

Yeah, those are still tight shirts.

Jamel wears 2x too, and he's bigger.

Jamel wears tight.

His shirts do tend to be a little tighter sometimes.

Yeah, I guess he does.

Oh, boy.

Fuck this shit.

Thank you.

By the way, I just shout out to the fans.

Also, shout out to Skank Fest.

That was Skank Fest and Funny Moms on Monday.

And literally, the crowds did not overlap at all.

Not even for a sec.

And it's amazing because both those shorts are going to be a little bit more difficult.

We should try and do, what's that big fucking thing, Union Hall?

It's not that big.

It's not that big.

It's pretty much the same size as, come on, everybody.

No, where's the place where they have 51st jokes?

Oh, that's

the bell house.

The bell house.

Yeah.

Union Hall is that place in Park Slope.

Yeah.

Downstairs.

We should do the bell house.

We should do the bell house.

We should go like that.

We probably wouldn't sell out the bell house.

But it's like, that's a big enough space.

The bell house or the place where they do Night Train?

Yeah.

Littlefield?

Littlefield.

Although I don't like the size of that room.

That's about it bothers me.

Oh, they just redid it.

They just redid it.

It's long.

They just redid it.

Yeah, it's a test.

And apparently it's nicer.

Yeah, yeah.

I went there.

The stage is too high.

That's true.

The stage is too high.

Yeah.

Oh, you know what we should do?

Madison Square Garden.

I'm thinking that.

Yeah.

I'm thinking that.

Michigan Stadium.

My son Nancy listens to this band Run the Jewels,

and they're performing there.

And he wants to go.

So I'm bribing children to take him.

Oh, also, guys, we're like, we're working, we want to book live shows, and we're pretty bad at organizing and putting plans into motion.

So, if you want us to come to your town, well, let's not say we, it's you.

Why is it me?

It's all of us.

I mean, but anyway,

I just don't do it.

If you want us to come to your town and you know about a hundred hilarious dance,

it's lightning dance.

No, I'm serious.

Okay, well,

just say, just reach out to me.

You can Say that I'm bad at physics.

I just don't do physics.

Yes, you are bad.

Yeah.

I would say that.

I am willing to.

I admit that you're bad at physics.

I'm very good at physics.

I just don't do them.

You're very good at physics.

Well, you're not fucking very good at physics.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm fucking, dude.

I'm so good.

I guarantee you.

If I went back in time, which I will do because I'm going to be the guy that invents the fucking time machine, I could invent the atomic bomb.

I would fix history.

By killing Hitler.

By giving the atomic bomb to Adolf Hitler and friends.

Addy and pals.

Oh, fuck.

Addie?

We got to wrap this up.

Anyway, so if you want us to come to your town

and you know about a hundred about this 50-person capacity venue,

come on.

I'm actually doing a serious announcement right now.

I live on the East Coast.

If you live on the East Coast.

And you want us to do your town, and it has to be within six hours driving from New New York.

Yeah.

And I, in there needs to be a green room in the venue.

We will not stand by the bar.

We wouldn't.

I need a bucket of Miller Light.

Miller Light.

I will not drink and Red Bulls.

I'll have one.

I'll give the rest to girls.

If you can find a venue that's about 150, clean out women in the audience that you will personally be responsible for bringing into the green room to meet me.

Shout out to Noah in Pittsburgh, who's working on setting up a show for us right now.

If you want us to come together, Noah's girlfriend will be servicing us in an agreement.

He has agreed.

Yeah, we will be having.

He's fucking Noah's girlfriend.

So

if you have access to about 100, 150 capacity venue with seats, please let us know.

We're also, we have a couple ideas for places we know.

Psych.

Yeah, psych.

We can't do any of that.

We're not leaving New York ever.

We're going to die here.

And also, if you want to send me pictures of your titties, and I might have to move back to Los Angeles again in a couple weeks, permanently.

No.

Really?

Maybe.

Fuck.

Yeah, so the podcast is.

The show's over.

Yeah.

Okay.

Unless you guys want to move to Los Angeles.

You could figure something out.

We'll figure it out.

I'm kidding.

I'm not.

I might have to go back, though.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah.

I know, I know, I know.

We'll just bank some.

Maybe we'll come out.

We'll be L.A.

boys.

Yeah.

Even if things don't.

I still have to go out to sue that Korean landlord.

God, you're fucking.

Do you have to be there?

Of Of course, it's small claims.

Oh, you can't just have a lawyer do it?

Yeah,

for $200?

A lawyer's not going to go.

He literally owes you $200?

It's less than that.

It's less than that?

He owes me $45 for a while.

All of this is so awesome.

You're such a fucking kite, dude.

It's crazy.

Like $2,000, right?

Yeah, something like that.

And then you can get twice the amount of deposit.

But it's principal because the guy's a fucking asshole.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

All right.

Well, yeah, thank you for listening.

If the lawsuit doesn't work out, I'm going going to hire Mark Wahlberg to do a little

bit of a little fish fucking on his eye.

A little walk down memory lane for old Marky Mark.

I still love the

line he nails you with the fucking guy when he fucking jabs his eye out.

He goes, you fucking Vietnamese shit.

Is that what he said?

Yeah, something like that.

Wow, what a cool guy.

Not even a slur.

If anyone can find

Mark Wahlberg inside the actor's studio where he discusses that assault, I remember he has like a pretty cavalier attitude about it.

Really?

Yeah, I haven't seen it in like a decade, but I vaguely remember him being on talking to James Lipton about doing that shit.

And in 1989, you assaulted a Vietnamese.

Yeah.

Yeah, James.

I was looking at this.

Is it your dream, Adam, to be on that show?

No.

To be interviewed by James Lipton?

Yo, my dream?

For real.

My dream is to be interviewed by Terry Gross on Fresh Air.

That's a legitimate dream of mine.

That'd be cool.

I love Terry Gross.

My dream is to be one of the cast members on the Tom Joyner Morning Train.

Hell yeah, dude.

Stop playing.

Yeah, my dream is to be a drive-time

radio guy.

That is the best radio show.

Which one is that?

Tom Joyner?

Is that like a good morning?

You're listening to the middle-aged black people laughing morning show.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That rules.

Yeah, it's literally just them laughing for two hours.

That rules.

Yeah.

Every day is the best day in the world to them.

I would like to go into the archives and find the September 11th, 2001 episode of the Tom Joyner June.

Because they were having a laugh.

And

I doubt they got through it without laughing.

Because I don't know how they would fill the time if there wasn't just someone cackling and saying, oh, Lord, please.

For them.

At least once on that show.

All right.

Well, I'm Tom Joyner, and this is the Tom Joyner afternoon show.

And you guys are great.

Oh, wow.

Fuck.

Sorry.

We got an hour 23.

Yeah.

Damn.

Free 23 minutes.

Yeah.

So

please delete the last.

Please don't listen to the last 20 minutes of the show.

You haven't earned it.