Ep. 57 – My Wonder Woman Review

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Check them gay.

So I went and saw Wonder Woman finally.

Ooh.

I've been trying.

It's been sold out for months

because they charge more for

women to get in.

To help offset the wage gap,

they make it more money for women.

That makes sense.

But it all went to that Gal Gadot's

salary.

Well, it went to buying pebble shields for the IDF to defend them against Lebanese.

The children.

Lebanese children are heroes.

Yeah, no, they charge women more because women don't understand how money works.

They say, okay, well, the men's price is 73% of what the women pay.

And the women are like, fuck yeah, of course it's more for us.

We're empowered by paying more.

Because their husbands buy everything.

Oh, I see.

So they're not for the money.

So this is the first time many women have actually

used currency.

They don't understand transactions.

You got to buy the ticket with the Harriet Tubb in 20, which costs $27 to purchase.

Oh, those are out?

Oh,

if you're a woman.

Oh.

You got to be a member of Birch Box to get that.

That's the only way to do feminism is by buying a series of subscription services.

Yeah, that's true.

Until you've completely depleted your disposable income on empowering yourself.

We should create like Slay Box or something, and it's just like Hillary Clinton bumper stickers and like Beyoncé.

Well, when that

stuff,

that shit already exists.

Really?

Yeah, when the safety pin box came out,

I wanted to do a subscription services that teaches black people how to

be better black people as an answer to the safety pin box.

Oh, so what does it have?

Well, it's got a watch in there that's set 20 minutes early, so you're always on time for things.

Oh, God.

What else?

You know, it tells you when to say please and thank you.

Every week, there's like a new word to avoid using

or like different like turns of phrase like for the simple fact that it tells you not to say things like that.

Don't ever start a sentence with for the simple fact that

or the fact of the matter is

you know stuff like that.

Yeah.

Not so much the obvious stuff.

Like this isn't a place to find out that you should pull up your pants.

You know, right.

This is more

right.

This is sort of like more of like an advanced escape and escape.

Do they cover that?

No.

See, because that's just racist.

This is for people.

Look, it's not my job to educate them.

It's not my job to educate.

Wait.

Is it your job to trick that education?

Is this your box?

Yeah.

Now it's turning into my job.

I'm making it my job.

I'm making it a way for me to get paid to educate people, but it's not my job to enact the emotional labor.

I see.

You know, which is a form of slavery.

Making me feel things is slavery.

That's so fucking true.

Yeah.

Well, that's good.

We got that box.

That's a good money-making venture that we could do.

I wonder if how many people are at.

Imagine being the kind of fucking

super

piece of shit, weasel-y asshole that buys the safety box.

The safety pin box?

I mean, what's in there for real?

You know what?

I guarantee you, they're not even fulfilling orders.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure they're just collecting the fucking money, and then it became like.

Yeah, all you buy is they email you a screenshot that you can put on your Twitter.

There's only so many things.

I mean, those people like recycle the talking points so much.

I mean, everybody does, but like,

there's a limit to that woke bullshit.

You get like three.

It's not like, you know, Birch Box is a great idea because there's always more makeup.

Is Birch Box makeup a lot of snacks?

I mean, that's non-toxic, man.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've just been eating makeup.

I love dude.

Yeah,

Stav has a monthly subscription in NutraGrain bars that get sent to his house on Netflix.

I get to select whatever flavors I want.

It's awesome.

It's called Juice Box.

Juicebox.

That's good.

We should start that.

A subscription food service.

Amazon kind of already does that.

I mean, there's so many of them.

Yeah.

Yeah, Wonder Woman was fucking terrible.

Yeah, I didn't see it yet, but I was excited.

I'm kind of, I guess it was bad.

Well, the script's really fucking stupid.

Yeah.

You know?

That's what everyone says.

The script was kind of dog shit.

And everyone's explaining shit.

Yeah.

And then it's like

when Matrix 2 came out and they started that like Superman style of fight choreography where it's like two different people that can control lasers that come out of their hands.

Right.

And they're just using the force to make bigger and bigger explosions.

I thought Wonder Woman's a shield.

Yeah, it's a shield, but then, you know, it's like the final fight is her and this other guy throwing lightning at each other.

And they're both like.

She's got lightning.

She gets lightning.

Yeah, and it's like there's no...

I thought she had the lasso, too.

Yeah, it's bullshit.

Oh, yeah, lasso.

The lasso.

I re-watched Police Story the other day, and you watch Police Story, and it's fucking awesome to watch that.

What are you talking about, Jackie?

Difficult choreography, and they have to compose all of these fight scenes that these guys act out.

And then you watch something like Wonder Woman, and it's like, oh, I'm just going to stand here and look determined and empower women by waiting for the fucking editor to put some giant laser on the screen, and then there's a big explosion.

It's like, oh, the guy dead?

Oh, no, he's not.

Now he's just on fire.

Right.

But then the fire turns into a different kind of laser.

Oh, fuck.

There's two lasers?

I don't know.

That sounds good as shit, dude.

And

the worst example of that is like the final fight scene from Matrix 3 with Neo and the Jesus one?

Yeah, that happens in that.

When he comes back from Agent Smith,

Agent Smith, where they're just like,

you know, they're punching each other, but both of them are like the strongest guy in the world.

You know, this is born.

Yeah.

Whereas watching

Jackie Chan fucking use a coat rack to do

a coat rack karate on

three different guys at one time.

That shit's awesome.

Hanging by bamboo and shit.

Yeah.

Injuring himself in real life.

Yeah.

I blame it on the Transformers.

That's just watching the CGI thing fight a CGI thing.

Who's the Matrix?

The one I said in the beginning.

All right.

That's whose fault it is.

Yeah, I haven't seen it.

I might still see it.

I don't know, dude.

But

I haven't.

I saw Predator.

It was good as shit.

I saw Purple Rain.

Have you guys seen Purple Rain?

The Prince movie?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

It was a horrible movie, but it was fun.

Prince is a bad guy in that, dude.

He makes Apollonia fucking take her titties out.

The other guy's a better dude to her.

That's my hot take on Purple Rain, dude.

Worst Day, actually.

All he's trying to do is help her out.

You know?

Prince fucks her.

Doesn't help her.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Pretty fucked up.

And, however, here's my takeaway: Apollonia, beautiful titties.

Wow, hot take.

She is really hot.

Coming in hot without a subscription service called Breast Box.

Now we're talking.

We just email you pictures of your wife's breasts.

You up front, you send us a bunch of pictures of your wife's breasts, and then we send them back to you

every month.

Because you know what?

It's not my job to educate.

What about Headbox?

What do you guys think that is?

A subscription?

It's the box from the movie Seven?

Yep.

You say a different severed head.

No,

it's a good movie.

I want to see it.

There's like a box, and you don't know what's in it.

Don't spoil it.

That's all fiction.

No, you don't know what's in the box in Seven either.

Yeah, but

I see five.

No, don't speak.

Dead baby.

Oh, man.

That they sucked out of the woman's pussy.

Oh, nice.

Oh, what's in the box?

That's what he says.

And then everyone says that whenever people bring up that movie, they do their what's in the box impression.

Because everyone has a unique personality.

And in no way does everyone,

you know, have fun the same exact way.

They're not just doing a character that they saw someone else do.

I love.

That's what makes us great.

Because we always do original-ass characters.

I have one.

And we don't like anything.

That's what makes us great.

I don't like anything.

and I have the most original character of all, which is Indian apartment broker.

That's a good one.

Yeah, it's good.

Who can't say the word views?

Yeah, yes, that's a great one.

Because he mixes up W's and V's.

Yeah, give the people a little taste.

So, this is one of the greatest apartments in Brooklyn.

I

love this apartment.

I love this apartment because it has one of the greatest wolves

in the city.

It's wews.

It's wolves.

We are there's wolves in this apartment.

No, it's the greatest wolf

in the city.

The best wolf.

I've got one called the Horny Teddy Bear.

Do it.

I want to fuck you.

I'm a horny teddy bear.

I want to suck your cog.

It sounds a lot like Jeffrey, your other character.

No, that's my character.

That's his.

This doesn't sound anything like Jeffrey.

Yeah, it doesn't.

Do Jeffrey.

That's also not a character I really do.

That's not really fleshed out.

Oh,

that one's in the oven until I make some phone calls.

Unlike the Indian guy and the horny teddy bear.

The teddy bear is bisexual, by the way.

I want to taste cum, but also pussy.

That's good.

That's the horny teddy bear.

I was also.

Are teddy grams good for you?

No.

Yeah, they are.

No, they're not.

No, they're good.

No, there's too sweet.

I think they're like crackers, which are a health food.

They've got superfoods in them.

I used to think that when I was a kid, I was like, oh, yeah, saltines are like healthy because they're not candy.

I can eat an entire box of saltines, and that's like good for me.

Oh, fuck.

I remember the dumbass shit I used to think about food.

Yeah.

Drinking like three Arizona iced tea tall boys.

Oh, yeah.

And we're like, no, it's iced tea.

Yeah, tea.

You drink it when you're sick.

Chinese monks drink.

I'm basically the queen of England.

Yeah.

Show me a fat Shaolin monk.

You can't do it, dude.

I'm going to get good at karate from drinking all this Arizona iced tea.

Like a hopy Indian in my fucking house made out of corn.

I pray to my corn god and drink my Arizona iced tea.

Live at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

Talk to spirits in the wind.

Oh, fuck.

Also, Gatorade.

I used to Gatorade was just

so good for it.

It was sports, dude.

I would run for like 20 minutes and just drink three big-ass Gatorades.

Uh-huh.

God, that shit ruled.

What was your flavor of Gatorade?

Yeah, was your Red?

Red's good.

I did yellow because I was coming in my pants too much.

So I needed to lower my sperm count.

Oh, it lowers you.

Oh, that mountain dude.

That's what everyone said.

Yeah, yeah.

Adam's sperm count is one.

He has one sperm.

Just a fucking empty-ass ball sack.

You can see it swimming.

His balls are just completely shriveled.

You can see the one sperm moving around.

Alright, we gotta delete this.

His nutsack just looks like a tea bag that's been sitting on the kitchen counter for three days.

It looks like he has a little tapeworm, but it's just the one sperm wriggling.

That's not true, guys.

You know, I'm a heavy flow.

You know, I'm a thick.

Do you come heavy?

Yeah, I'm a thick shooter.

Are you a thick shooter?

Yeah.

Oh, nice, dude.

My shit depends entirely on how much water I've had.

Really?

Mine is if I've jerked off that day or not.

Of course.

The longer you jerk off.

I'm like chronically dehydrated.

You drink a lot of coffee.

I I do.

I drink a lot of diuretics.

Yeah.

Coffee is also bad for your stomach, too.

Cranberry juice.

Yeah.

That's not the one I need to.

I need to moisturize with lotion.

Your balls?

No, my whole body.

Just dip it.

Dehydration, a lot of people think you have to drink water, but you can just put lotion all over your body.

That's why black people never drink water, dude.

Yeah, because they're always there.

They drink nothing but soda and they cover themselves with lotion.

That's why they.

I remember reading that somewhere like on the bodybuilding forums one time.

It's like somebody's like, like, why are black people always more jacked than white people?

It's not because

it's almost like, oh, because they're darker.

What?

Yeah, they're darker so the muscles look better.

It's like, yeah, that's the reason it has nothing to do with slavery.

Selective breeding.

Yeah, selective breeding when we stole them from Africa and treated them like cattle for a while.

And also, isn't there like more biodiversity?

Isn't there more diversity of people in Africa?

Like everyone's like, you get more damage.

Yeah, but most African Americans are West African.

Oh, really?

The slave trade.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know shit.

Oh, yeah.

Isn't that what you were saying about Oprah saying she

thought she was Zulu?

I am a Zulu warrior.

No,

you're from Ghana.

What was I going to say?

Oh, I also wanted to ask, do you find the longer you beat off and then you finally come, the bigger it is?

Do you see what I'm saying?

Like, if you get more.

No, no, no, but I mean, I don't mean like like the longer you beat off, even you know what I mean?

Like, let's say you're beating along.

I've maxed, I've like, I've perfected beating off to the point where I barely come at this point.

You barely come.

I don't even need to be fully hard.

I barely come.

You only really hard?

I don't really.

No, I'm just kidding.

But I could jerk off at a nice 80%.

Sperm count one.

Sperm count one.

No, so that's why you can't, you don't come.

Because you only have

a single choke it back.

That's the name of Adam's plane that he rides around.

Sperm count.

Sperm count one.

Yeah.

Get off my plane.

I want my plane back.

Give me back my sperm.

Yeah, there's a jar full of your old cum, and you have to put it back into your balls.

Somebody stole my sperm.

Do you think someone could someone steal your cum from your balls with a syringe?

I don't know how that works.

I'm not a doctor.

Yeah, we need to get a doctor on the horn.

What Adam does when he has sex with a girl is

he's like, has sex with her?

And then he's like, I just want everyone to come.

Shut up.

Just fuck up.

I'm doing the thing.

And he rolls her over.

He's like, I'm about to come.

And then he starts jerking off on her lower back.

And she's looking around.

And he's like, don't look.

I can't do it if you're looking.

And then so she turns around and then he farts out all of the old cum in his ass.

There we go.

Yeah.

From another guy.

From a guy fucking him.

He pretends it's his.

He's a veteran.

He lets a veteran have sex with him.

So he steals valor.

Is that part of the Wounded Warrior Project?

I just want to say that.

The Wounded Warrior Project.

I think that was my idea for a charity for sexually assaulted veterans.

The Pounded Warrior Project.

God damn, dude.

It's good that you're helping out veterans at him.

Yeah.

Well, I think that it's, I just think it's progress that you had me having sex with a woman in this slanderous lie about my sex life.

There's a trans woman.

Yeah, you didn't let him finish.

What do you mean, turned her up?

Pre-pre, of course.

Yeah, pre.

Pre-what?

You know what?

Pre- even finding out they're trans.

Yeah.

It's a guy that 20 years from now will become trans.

Pre.

Pre-any.

Pre-even coming out of the closet.

You're sexually assaulting a four-year-old boy.

That'll deal with the trauma in 20 years.

You actually turn him trans because you raped him.

I don't think that.

I don't think.

I don't know.

That's real.

That's real.

It happened.

Everyone knows that story.

That old tale.

That old charming little.

You know that old story.

Boy meets girl.

The girl is Adam.

The boy is a four-year-old boy.

Yep, yep.

I remember that one.

That story is like.

That's your dog's dad, dude.

She's just sleeping.

She's just chilling.

Any of those snake guys out yet?

It's like snake guy weather in Manhattan.

Do they?

I don't go into Manhattan as much anymore, so I don't see them.

I saw a guy.

Is there a snake guy, a specific snake guy?

Oh, yeah.

You don't see those guys?

Not really.

It's always like

black dudes.

They'll just wear a giant snake or something.

Oh, that's tight.

Yeah.

idea.

Yeah, I want a snake.

How do we get a snake?

I want to take a naked photo shoot with a snake guy.

Oh, by the way, that occupies a weird territory between black nerd and black cool guy is snake guy.

Because there's something anime about it.

Yes.

There's something very Dragon Ball Z about

wearing a snake around.

Like, you could very easily go Sega Black Guy with that one.

Absolutely.

But then it's also like, that's what a dude who sells women would do also.

Right.

That's an extreme pimp move.

That's like the absolute,

oh, damn it.

It's like if he had press-on nails, where that would be weird,

but there's a level of pinky pedicure nails.

Like, that's not a nerd move.

That's like a very intimidating

guy that's like so sexualized

from selling women into sex slavery.

Yeah, he's so straight, he just becomes gay as like a challenge to other straight guys.

That is the most alpha shit.

But that is like

prison rapist.

Right.

Like that kind of guy.

Yeah.

You know, like a guy who aspire to be curlers in his hair and stuff.

The most intimidating prison rapist is the guy that's like blowing kisses at you and

telling you you're beautiful.

It's not the like, I'm going to rape you guy.

Yeah.

The I'm going to rape you guy is just, he's insecure.

He doesn't know.

He's mad that he has to rape men, but he doesn't want to get raped himself.

Yeah.

The guy that's like sending you Valentine, how funny it would be to have him getting little little cards written on toilet paper in his cell.

Some six foot seven guy with 482 pounds is like waving at him.

He's got long, beautiful hair.

Hey, boo.

Adam's like, I don't like that.

That's not how I sound.

That's not how I sound.

I don't sound like that.

I don't like this attention.

Of course, I would like the attention.

The attention's nice.

We can all agree that.

The attention's nice.

I've been missing out on gay male attention ever since I relaunched my Instagram.

It hasn't been quite the trigger for gay attention that the old one was.

Stop the baby2 on Instagram, everyone.

Please follow.

But I think I'll get there.

I'm thinking about starting a grinder with all my pictures and being like

please follow.

And then just having sex with men.

I'm thinking about starting a grinder as a cover, using my Instagram as a cover, and then actually meeting up with these men and having sex with them.

Someone told me when I was selling weed that I should use Grinder to sell weed.

You should use Grinder to sell ketamine.

And you're

in club drugs.

Where do you get ketamine these days?

Off-grinder.

I feel like that's a very British raver drug.

No, is it?

It's like, I'm fucked off ket.

I did so much

this night.

I did so much ketamine.

I was on fucking ket all night.

It's completely disassociated with my body.

Cheerio, Governor.

come on kidamine governor all head kidamine govna why are they always saying hello to the governor cheerio yeah whatever british people always have access to governors they have a lot of governors yeah that's the thing every every neighborhood is a state in the world when when when uh new york was still under british rule there was like some governor here that was trans really yeah in like the fucking 1700s there was like a cross-dressing british governor hell yeah that would like hide in the bushes and then jump out and kiss other men yeah

that guy sounds awesome, dude.

Yo, old-timey, like, ancient gay men are like the people that are so gay, they just like, just were like, fucks all the society.

This is how gay I am that I'm going to be just open as hell and like 4,000 years ago or whatever.

Although, I guess then everyone was gay, but like 300 years ago, that's tight.

Yeah, I mean, gay repression didn't really start until the 20th century.

Yeah, until about 2009.

Yeah.

And we all got online.

Suddenly, the the hardest thing in the world was to be a gay man on Tumblr.

God, can you imagine how oppressive that would be?

It is oppressive.

It's a big A on Tumblr.

You have to pierce the middle part of your nose.

You have to wear choker necklaces.

It's difficult.

Stop it.

Adam, what are other things you have to do?

You have to

learn.

I don't know.

You have to learn Farsi if you want to be gay.

That's a big part of being gay.

You don't have to.

But if you want to fuck cute Persian boys, you do.

Right?

Adam?

Isn't that what you were telling me earlier off mic?

About what?

About having sex with cute Persian boys?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Adam likes to do what they call the magic carpet, where you come in each other's pubes and then you glue it together.

And then you...

You jump out the window.

No, you...

jump you separate yourselves violently and it'll rip off one person gets all of their pubes ripped off

by the cumbone.

Yeah, and then whoever loses has to eat the cum pube nest like a pussy, and that's the magic carpet.

This is an important whole new world.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You didn't see Aladdin on Broadway.

I want to eat your ass.

It would be cool.

That's actually, that wasn't in the movie, but fucking Robin Williams ad-libbed that in a genie scene.

And,

you know, he said, he said, if you don't put this in the movie, I'm going to kill myself.

And so they put it in there, and then they took it out for all of the home media releases.

Oh, but he didn't watch it until he didn't watch it until two years ago.

Because he was like, you know, that magic carpet thing I came up with.

People are like, what are you talking about?

He's like, you know, on Aladdin, where you blew your pubes together and rip them apart.

Like, Robin, no, nobody knows what he's talking about.

He's like, No, what?

We'll watch what happened right now.

And then they put it on, and he kept rewinding it furiously.

He's like, Somebody give me a belt.

The stress of it actually gave him a disease, whichever one he had.

He had Parkinson's disease.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, it'd be funny if your dog got Barkinson's disease.

That wouldn't be funny.

It would be.

Oh, boy.

Anyway, so what do you guys what do you guys what are your plans for the summer?

Is anyone going on a nice trip?

I'm getting a fucking beach ball, dude, and some sunglasses.

Hell yeah.

And I'm gonna take uh pictures that say, Wish you were here.

Yeah,

that's good.

I'm gonna go on vacation.

My ex-wife.

I'm gonna go on vacation

with my girlfriend.

My 500-pound ex-wife, Tallulah.

Tallulah Willis?

Yeah, Bruce Willis's daughter.

Bruce Willis's 500-pound daughter.

Who I was married to.

I'm going to go on vacation with my girlfriend and do an Instagram series where she's holding my hand

and she's leading me in front of the Eiffel Tower.

One of the black Instagrams I follow.

Somebody made one with those with the girl from the guy's perspective.

And she goes to the edge of a cliff.

And then she turns around.

The guy just shuts her.

It looks like really well done.

Just falls and splits her head open.

Faking rock.

It's real?

I mean, it's like, I doubt it's real, but it's like very well made.

Oh, great.

Good production management.

That's a good bit.

That's a great bit, actually.

I'm jealous.

Yeah.

Well, you know, those are all one guy.

That's like one photographer who came up with that idea.

Yeah, but now everyone.

The Follow Me series, yeah.

I think they broke up and they had to keep going.

Yeah, yeah.

I think the Follow Me couple

dumb shit you have to do in a relationship.

It's a fucking

one.

Yeah.

But that fucking.

I like it.

I think it's sweet.

I don't.

I don't like it.

I like doing the things that I do, which is purchasing electronics,

calibrating them,

setting them up in different ways, going through

menu after menu, figuring out how to tweak

HDR settings and resolution settings and optimizing lighting and

setting up audio fields.

Yeah, hell yeah.

That's the kind of shit.

That's just doing that.

That's my version of going blueberry picking.

You have to also be ignoring a girlfriend while doing those things, though, right?

No.

Oh, no, but it helps.

Yeah.

I'm ready to go.

You know what I'm saying?

Is when a gal is interrupting me while I'm trying to watch the big game.

Which game?

It's the movie The Game.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Michael Douglas.

Douglas.

Oh, I thought you meant reading the game.

Every February, I invite all my friends over to watch the big game.

We're watching the game in my apartment.

And they all come in, and then I lock them in there, and they're like, Nick, please stop doing this bit.

I said, it's too late.

Oh, fuck.

That's what you get for trusting a man with interior deadbolts.

I do that, but it's my friends, and we listen to the audiobook of the game.

By Mystery?

No, by the guy.

By Neil Strauss.

By Neil Strauss.

And by the end, and then we just all go crush.

We watch the game.

We watch Surviving the Game.

We listen to MVP by the game.

Yep, yep, that's cool.

Was that the name of the album?

I don't remember.

What about Neil Simons the game, right, guys?

Boo sounds good.

You don't know how this shit works, dude.

You are a terrible joke writer.

I'm a good joke writer.

I'm taking your name off

the description.

You can't because we never put it on it.

No, no.

I was trying to think of a problem.

You're talking about that description on none of them.

Yeah, we haven't finished any of them.

But we're right.

Guys, we're working on the web series every day, all day together, so we've had a lot of time.

Yeah, but we've made zero progress.

No, we haven't literally have like five bad things.

Why are you like playing?

Tugging on her nipples.

It's weird, dude.

She's no joke, it's making me feel weird.

Yeah, that is weird.

You're like because it's sexual.

Yeah, you're bothering.

You're playing with her titties.

She literally is.

Why does she say that?

It's making you weird, dude.

It'd be like if you were playing with your dog's vagina.

Yo, that shit is so weird.

It's not a neurogenous zone for my dog.

Stop talking.

I had my dog spade.

She's not coming from this.

It's just the thing that we do together.

I just play with her.

If you had a dog and you cut his balls off, would you beat him off?

Yes.

You don't cut the dog's balls off.

Norman Wilkerson sucked a dog's dick one time.

Really?

He did it.

Yeah, he used to tell this story.

That was his most embarrassing story: is that he like...

When he was like 12,

his dog got hard and he sucked his dog's dick.

What?

He put peanut butter on his dog's dick and licked it off.

He was really mad at me.

Yeah, yeah, he ate the classic.

The classic.

That is awesome.

Is Norman just gay for dogs?

I guess so.

Dogs' dicks are so repulsive looking.

Yeah, but they taste really gross, too.

Yeah, well, that's why cats are all.

Yeah, they have a little, like, it's like a red, prickly Hershey's kiss.

Yeah, they have a thorny dick.

That's strange.

That's why cats suck.

You know, their dicks are so small that, like, if they get a, if they put a catheter in a cat, Josh Androwski was telling me this.

His cat, they had to put like a catheter in for some bladder bladder problem.

And their dicks are so small that usually when they remove the catheter, it just rips the cat's dick off.

Just don't, they're like, yeah, and we'll just like suture a hole there.

Did you imagine going in for surgery and then being like a completely unrelated surgery?

You get your fucking appendix out and you're like, hey, man, sorry.

Your dick popped off.

How should you get from being a gay-ass cat?

Yeah, fucking shit.

What's the duck?

What's the duck?

An Argentinian duck.

It's like scorpion, like get over here.

So what is it?

Everyone knows about this, Adam.

Bro, Zab doesn't know.

I don't know.

The Argentinian duck has like a dick that's like twice the length of its body.

Yeah, it looks like a phone cord.

And it's like a heat-seeking dick.

It like

Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.

Does he fling it?

Yeah, and he says, get over here.

Yeah.

That's rules, dude.

Yeah, I want to dick that like that.

Yeah, no, I had a sketch idea where it's like

a guy gets in a car accident and he's like waking up after surgery and it's like, you know, he's got bandages on his face.

And he was like, oh my god, what happened?

They're like, we flew in one of the best plastic surgeons in the country.

And so they like take the bandages off.

And he's like, luckily, like, this guy's the best.

He was able to completely

reshape your nose.

And the guy's like, yeah, like, I can barely tell.

He's like, yeah, we just...

The nose has a lot of the same tissue as the penis.

So we took the penis and we graphed a new nose out.

He's like, What do you mean?

He's like, Well, we just removed your penis and turned it.

He looked down

and they've cut his dick off.

He's like, No, no, no, no, put it back.

I don't want the nose.

My nose.

I don't need a nose.

I don't want to smell shit.

I want to fuck.

And they've cut his dick off and turned it into his nose.

That's good.

Yeah.

We should do that sketch, and then we act.

It's so much better to just say on the podcast what the sketches were going to be.

Because

there's no heightening there.

It's not like insightful it's just a

say so you say it's the end and then it's over imagine how much better Seinfeld would have been as a show if it was just me saying like yeah and then there's this guy Kramer and he fucking does stuff and

you know he's like a weird neighbor and he he walks through the door everyone on the show is Jewish

and then this guy works for a post office that Jerry doesn't like people would love that that'd be a good show man I think Costanza's Greek

no that's Italian I wish he was, but he's not.

I think he's supposed to be a Greek.

He's not.

I would know that.

Come on.

Why?

It's an Italian name.

What do you mean, why?

Why would he know that?

Because George Costanza is who I've modeled my life after.

Well, I think he was my hero.

Huh?

I think he was.

I wish he was Greek.

He's not, dude.

Stop.

You haven't seen that episode?

Yeah, the Greek Festival?

Yeah.

You haven't seen that episode.

Wait, wait.

Yeah, doesn't he, like, convert to Eastern Orthodox in one of the episodes?

Does he?

Yeah, which means he's not Greek, but.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, for a woman or something?

I don't remember that.

Whatever.

Oh, yeah, isn't Susan?

Fuck, I gotta look back at that shit.

Oh, dude, I gotta read.

Is he an Orthodox, the self-flagellating one where they killed Susan by being cheap with the envelopes?

Yeah, so I think we know what he is.

Yeah.

Well, they never said explicitly.

Yeah.

You kill your wife.

They never said

that three cents.

They never said it.

On envelopes, I think.

How about that guy at the bagel place this morning?

Oh, that was like fucking like he made us in.

He's just like flashy, like, you know, older dude.

And he fucking like,

he's like, yeah, let me get.

And he orders a sandwich.

And then the woman's like, $11.50.

And

he put $10 on the table.

And she's like, $11.50.

He's like, that sandwich ain't never been $11.

Yeah.

He said, $8.

He's like, $8.

She's like, no, it's locks.

She adds it up, and he's like, you better ask somebody.

She's like,

you know, just Shiraz.

He's like, you know what?

Why don't you go ahead and keep it?

And he walks away.

Yeah, he didn't buy the sandwich.

$2 more.

And then I asked them if I could have it, and they were like, all right.

And I'm like, I'm not going to pay for it.

Yeah, he just had this already-made sandwich.

Make sure the dog doesn't pull the fucking recorder off the table.

I don't think she's going to be able to do it.

Isis, get the fuck off the fucking cord, you bitch.

Don't talk to her that way.

Dude, she's about to ruin the podcast.

Well, just don't curse at her.

Fuck you, Isis.

Yeah, fuck you, dog.

We're going to send him right back to bed.

We're going to send you right back to

the basement in Newark that you came from.

She came from Bedstead.

I'm so sorry, Isis.

Please.

She came from your street in Bedstai.

It's a couple blocks away.

Stop it.

She was abused.

She had a tough life.

Sorry if I play with her nipples a little bit.

Don't try to play with them.

That's literally why Corella Deville wanted those puppies, is to play with their nipples.

What's wrong with that?

In 101 Dalmatian, she was the villain in the story.

Adam likes her because she's flashy and a bitch, like he is.

I'm not flashy, and I'm not a bitch.

I'm actually a really nice friend.

You're sitting in the bathtub and make telephone calls.

You're right, you're not flashing.

You're a bubble bath.

I've never taken a bath.

Not even once.

I love a nice bath, dude.

I love that bath.

What's the thing about parents putting their kids naked in a bath together to take pictures?

That's kind of gross, right?

Is that something your family did?

Yeah,

your mom did that with your brothers.

I have these awesome pictures of me and my brothers, and we're just naked as shit.

I'm three,

I guess I'm like four and they're two, and we're just naked sitting on watermelons.

Man, I can't wait until I have a son so I can take tasteful nude pictures of him in the bathtub.

You know what I can't wait for for fatherhood?

Is being able to take nude bathtub photos of child pornography?

Is to produce tasteful, sexually muted photos of my son's penis as he bathes with other nude children that I may or may not even know.

Neighborhood kids and the sorts.

I think you're sexually.

You gotta be like the worst kind of pedophile to fuck your own kid.

Oh my god.

It says pedophiles that are like,

well, you know, I guess I could just, I'm more sort of a DIY pedophile.

Sort of like a Home Depot style.

Yeah, I'm going to make my own kid.

And I'll fuck that.

So.

Yeah, imagine like

being at labor and like being so happy and excited, not because you're having a child, but because you're like, I'm going to get to fuck this soon.

Yeah, yeah.

Just like fucking.

It's like waiting for a flashlight to come before Amazon.

ew, ew.

Oh, I hate adult pussy.

Her long bones are so mature.

Her skull is just hard.

Her hard skull.

Oh, God.

Her teeth are fully formed.

They're not all the same size.

I hate this.

She doesn't have rolls on her wrists.

Well, maybe not yours, dude, but it's fucking thick girl season around here, dude.

Yes, thick girls.

Shout out to the thick girls.

Yeah, if you're out there and you're a fat bitch,

you guess who's ready to get fucked?

Who?

We need like fucking a sound effect board so I can do like whistles and air horns.

Oh, that would be awesome, dude.

Yeah.

And a voice modulator.

Is it thick girl season?

I'm not on Twitter, so I don't know.

I don't need a different day.

You don't need a day.

Twitter, you could just go outside.

You know, it's like a different day every day now on fucking

on Twitter.

Yeah, everything's different season.

It's like ice cream day.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or, you know, Kabuki Day.

Kabuki.

I want to.

Kabaki.

I'm going to get into Kabuki.

Kabuki Theater?

Yeah.

Like, get into going to it or get into making it.

Yeah, just like know a bunch about Kabuki Theater and then, you know, do the thing you do where you find any excuse to bring up this thing you read about.

I didn't read about it.

I read the headline and then I extrapolated.

He didn't read a girl he was fucking made him do a book report about.

Isn't he a kabuki?

That's the only way you you get permission to fuck her.

You had to perform a kabuki play to her father.

Isn't that a type of older gay where they're into like

wearing the robes and like doing kabuki stuff?

No, I think that's just one guy that you know on a personal level.

Yeah, I don't know.

Well, I'm more of a kabuki type person.

What's the movie where is that the is that uh midnight in the garden of good and evil?

What?

Never mind.

Isn't kabuki kabuki's one of the sanctioned ways to do white face, though, right?

To do like yellow face, right?

Yeah, that makeup is painted.

It's thick, dude.

It's like

it's like an inch thick, the makeup.

It's fucked up.

I mean, isn't that ra like,

where do the appropriations people fall on that?

I couldn't do it.

You know what I mean?

I don't think that does.

It's a cultural thing, you know.

Oh, you know, what were we talking about?

Yeah, because nobody cares about plays.

Yeah, no one cares about plays.

What were we talking about?

A retarded guy who's going to do a

Comic-Con.

But he's just in black face.

A white retarded guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he thinks he did a great job, and no one knows whether to scold him.

You can't.

The costume is excellent.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

I like the idea of a retarded guy that really wants to be a surgeon

and they have to let him.

You know, because no one can say no to him.

They have to let him, but he's just playing operation and he thinks it's real surgeon.

No, he's doing real surgery.

Oh, he is?

Yeah.

Just sewing pieces of candy up in people.

Oops, see, Daisy.

Oh, fuck.

I was doing a,

we were doing some good songs, guys.

You know what me and Ells were doing today?

Was.

And I suck my own dick.

Until I come in my mouth.

Oh, yeah, I used to do that one, but it was,

the way you suck my dick.

The way you drink my pee.

And I suck my own dick.

Oh, no, you can't take that away from me.

Motherfucking Satchmo, baby.

Yeah.

That's a good nickname.

Wait, are you doing what a wonderful world?

And I suck my own dick

until I come in my mouth.

Is that the

tune?

Yeah, I think so.

Something like that.

No, I don't think the second line is.

And I sucked my own dude.

I don't think the second line is the tune.

Bro, why you got to keep doing a different song?

Whatever, man.

I'm doing him doing that song.

It just hurts me.

Where's your song, dude?

I have a lot of songs.

Go ahead, me and Nick just did one.

You do one.

Why don't you do a song?

Okay.

Which one?

Oh, now you don't fucking.

I thought you had a lot of fucking songs, bro.

I got one.

You're the worst of the song parodies.

Go ahead.

No, that's not true at all.

You guys just don't celebrate.

Do one.

You have never done a good one.

Come town girl.

That's got the show in it.

Oof, no, that sucks.

You guys are just

done that a hundred times.

Uptown fag.

The best version of it.

Oh, yeah.

Billy Joel's just like, this one's for the real fans.

Uptown fag.

The entire

Billy Joel live at the Anthony Coombe studio.

The ultimate Long Island experience.

The cheering breaks the sound barrier.

Okay, let me do another.

Earthquake destroyed Long Island today is the loudest applause ever recorded

when Billy Joel performed at the Anthony Coomius Studios his new song, Uptown Fag.

I have another one that I've done that I never did on the show, but I wrote it.

Okay, great.

Okay.

La la la la la la.

Okay.

Show me the feet, girl, and free your souls.

I want to get lost in your sexy girl.

You have a better version of that.

No, it's not.

That's good about

the feet.

Yeah, no, no, no.

It's

give me the dick, boy, and free my soul.

I want to get lost in your asshole.

Well, you could do it about

sending fuckers.

I'm fucking gay.

That's how

you do it.

Those are both good bridges.

I don't think they have to be in competition with each other.

Yes, we do.

I don't think I'm motherfucking.

First of all, being in constant competition with your boys is an essential part of being a real ass dude.

You're not competing with the business.

And as the real ass dude podcast,

the best of the real ass dude podcast,

I compete with Stop all the time.

Yeah.

About what?

We have a less.

Me and him are in a league above you.

So our competition is

our competition is more nuanced.

What do you mean?

We're playing 3D chess.

You're playing 2D.

You're playing playing two D's in your mouth.

You're playing double penetration.

Okay, I got another one.

You're playing two D's on your chess.

Here's it.

Here's it.

That's good.

Can I do another one?

Adam likes a different kind of double D's.

One in my accent and the one I am.

That's good.

That's really good.

Yeah, that's a good insult.

Suck on my dick, boy, and feed my hole.

How about you get lost in your asshole?

And suck it then.

Simmon

okay, I got another one's bad.

Okay, go.

What's your other one?

I read the news, I'm gay a lot.

What song is that?

The Beatles Day of the Life.

Never heard it.

I read the news, I'm gay a lot

about a man who fucked my ass

and made me come.

All right.

And though his dick was rather big,

I had to do it without consent.

I kind of lost that at the end.

Yeah, but I appreciate you guys letting me go at least four months.

Eleanor Rigby was born a man, but she took drugs to turn her into a woman.

Now she's obscene.

Now she's a trend.

There you go.

That's good.

All the lonely people.

I wish they'd just stay online.

All the lonely people.

I got one.

Hey, Jew.

Don't be so sad.

I would have said so tad.

Take your dad's stick

and suck on to it.

No.

They

get your footprint.

When you were babies.

See, stop trying to do this Jewish propaganda, man.

But it's Hey Jew instead of Jewish.

Hey, Jew.

I woke up this morning and I forget what I was dreaming about, but I came up with a place where you can get discount circumcisions called glands crafters.

Why glands?

Glands.

Glands.

Glands?

Tip of the penis.

I thought it was the foreskin.

The tip of the penis is called the glands.

Oh, they craft it.

Yeah, instead of lens crafters, it's glandscrafters.

I would go to glance crafters.

I need to get my cocksnip.

Would you do it as an adroit?

Discerning.

I don't know.

What if they gave you a medical reason?

They did.

We've been over those because you're not.

They're like, well, you know, I mean, it's sort of a double-edged sword here.

Go ahead, I'll lose half of my dick size.

You'll actually lose three-quarters of your dick size.

The end of your dick size.

90% of your dick.

Look, cosmetically,

there is a sleekness to my hard-ass dick when it's struggling to come out of the foreskin that I like.

But also, I just feel like I owe it to my Greek brothers to stay foreskinned up.

I support you leaving it, staying Natch, dude.

I was identity, it's identity politics.

I don't know if I'm going to make my son do it.

I got to be honest with you.

Really?

Whoa, that's actually

weird that they made me do it, and I didn't even have an option.

Your parents would flip if you didn't get your son's cock snake.

Well, my parents can stay out of my fucking son's bedroom, man.

You know what I feel like?

I feel like his cock alone.

All Jewish boys, instead of the circumcision, they should have a little swastika tattooed right on the tip of their foreskin.

That way, they make the decision themselves, but there's extra motivation to go ahead with it later in life.

Oh, I thought you were going to say, like, uh, it was gonna, like, the swastika would imprint on them, like, uh, like, it'd be like the first thing they ever saw.

Like, you know, how like ducks, if they don't see your own dick the first time you come out, if, like, Stav's never seen his own dick, if a baby duck sees, like, a person, they think it's their mother.

Stav had to wait until they invented drones.

I've only

I've heard my dick like echolocation.

I have to go to a room that that has very good acoustics and yell at my dick, and the sound bounces off.

And then it kind of gets me.

I found out recently that girls don't like it.

Stuff

heard about his dick from a poet

that he encountered in a shire.

Why doth thy tiny pee,

rolling meadows and hills, winced forth the dragon's breath

in a ging

stroll

through a quiet stream and brook

in the elven cave, one may find

in the chodiest of reasons, regions,

the most blueberrieth of dicks.

Blueberrieth, like a little rotten cranberry

beneath

the golem's taint.

Googling micro-penis is still always the funniest.

It's like it's just such a pleasurable five minutes just to see men with worse lives.

That sounds a lot like that bit I used to do.

Was there ever like a person from history, like a famous man from history that people claimed has a micropenis?

Yeah, why don't you extrapolate on this micropenis idea and see where your joke writing takes you?

Wait, you never said that.

Wait, are you being

about that, but you never said that?

Trolling.

Are you kidding?

God damn, dude.

He is trolling and it's working.

Yeah, he's really upset.

I know, I'm never upset.

I'm always chill.

I think they were.

You call me chill cosmetic.

I was thinking the other day, though, I think that micropenis sounds like computers, right?

Oh, that's good.

That's really good.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, dude.

I shouldn't have done that.

Do you guys hear about that time I shit my pants and some Latino children called me gay?

Yeah.

They weren't children.

They were teenagers.

And I consider them to be adults.

They're very mature.

Adam leaves out the part of that real story where he screamed the N-word at him from the window of his apartment.

He ran upstairs, and before taking off his shitty pants, he ran to the window and screamed the N-word from his apartment.

Well, who else?

Make himself feel bad.

We're taking over.

Enjoy the next couple years.

My uncle owns the building you live in, and he's going to raise the rent until he ends up in a trash can burned to death.

Remember when that story happened?

Yeah, that's fucked up, dude.

Yeah.

I like why even the news was like, yeah, I kind of deserved it.

Did it all?

Did an Orthodox landlord take an axe and like chop a water main like in one of the buildings to sabotage the tenants?

Or the heating pipes?

They do some real shady shit.

They do some real shady shit where it's like

they hire contractors and they have this specific like

contract that says like they have the right to cancel up until like 90% of the job is finished.

And then they threaten to cancel.

And then they're like, you can cancel we're gonna cancel and hire somebody else to finish it or you can just do it for half the money and you just kind of get fucked and you have to do it yeah show was telling me the story about um this landlord that was just screwing people and he got these fucking Russians or someone fucking kidnapped him and they tried to scare him into being a you know into paying them and they killed him by accident

oh man

Wow that sounds mean I like Russians they're

Russians yeah they're probably the best race.

They respect the right things.

Strength.

Yeah, weightlifting.

Weightlifting.

Number one.

Punch is important.

Gymnastics.

Adidas.

Yeah, Adidas.

They like Adidas.

They love bad haircuts.

They do.

All cuts.

They're really into

cam videos.

Although their food is bad.

What's Russian food?

I've never read any Russian literature.

I know I should.

I've only read a lot of stuff.

It's called Dick Bakov.

What?

No,

Nabakov doesn't count as Russian.

No, what?

No, he's American.

Well, yeah.

I mean, he wrote Russian guy in English.

Oh, really?

I didn't know that.

It's not the same category.

Oh, damn.

It's not the same category as Dostoevsky.

Dostoevsky.

Tolstoy.

Yeah, you didn't read

Crimes and Misdemeanor?

No.

Yeah, I read Crimes and Misdemeanor.

I read Crime and Punishment.

I read Truth, Lies, and Video Sex and Wishes.

You never read True Lies by

Jamie Dostoevsky?

Get in the chopper.

Get in the choppa.

Chump, chub, chop.

I remember one of my first boners was that song.

To Arnold Schwarzenegger's naked body and pumping iron on

his boners was jacking off the bodybuilding pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There was a silhouette

dream you had about a man using weights to pin you down.

Just a 50 on each wrist.

Using Suzanne powder women's workout weights.

The pink plastic ones.

All your wrists.

2.5s.

And then having missionary style sex meetings.

You know what?

I like to think of myself as your guy's muse.

I inspire these gorgeous bits.

So that was your first boner, huh?

No, the Jamie Lee Curtis silhouette strip scene.

Jamie Lee had some head sculpt.

She has a big old TD.

I love that the rumor was that she was born on her map.

Yeah.

Just because she had short hair.

Yeah.

Just because she had Adam's haircut and build.

She had in the 80s, yeah.

Her and Siara.

She had some.

But Sierra didn't have big titties.

Jamie Lee came through with fucking.

What was that all about?

Jamie Lee Curtis, nude.

Dude, it's good.

Yeah, she's nude in trading places.

Yeah, you see.

That is some good old titty music.

She's got some jumbo yum yums.

Jumbo yummies, dude.

Jumbo yum yums.

Look at how much of a fucking liar Siri is.

I didn't find anything on the web for Jamie Lee Curtis nude.

Oh, bitch, we know that's out there.

This is the kind of shit.

Steve Jobs, if he were still alive, would not be letting this shit happen.

Yeah.

God rest his soul.

Because the idea is that, what, like, children might be using Siri?

I think you could probably set it up where she shows you titties.

No, you can't.

Siri, show me your titties.

Siri, suck me off.

Computer, give me a head.

Computer.

You're joking.

Oh, yeah, there they are.

Don't look at my phone, dude.

Can I see?

Don't look at my phone.

Of course you can see.

Adam, we're trying to look.

Sit back down in the fucking chair.

We're going to be able to get it.

I have to pee.

So I'm standing, so I don't have to.

Yeah.

Everyone forgets that Adam has a vagina, so you can't.

Oh, God.

You can't get it.

They are so fucking juicy.

And they do that little dip up top where the nipple comes out, fucking pointy as shit.

I love that shit, dude.

God damn, I love titties.

For real, titties are probably

one of my number one things.

Ooh, it's a gift, my bitch.

Oh, hell yes, dude.

Stops coming in his pants.

I'm fucking stiff throat right now.

To Doctor's skin

280 octopus.

Mr.

Skin.

See, this is what happens.

You all mock me for, as a youth, beating off to whatever I could find, but that makes me resourceful, dude.

Did you?

I'm a beating off hunter.

She's got some long tits.

Women don't have long tits like that.

That's what I mean, that little divot.

No, not the divot, where it's like their titty starts like nine ribs down.

They're like on their hips, basically.

Did you know that?

You know what tits like that is the girl from Just One of the Guys?

What's that?

Remember that movie?

Mm-mm.

The best tits of all time is True Detective Season 1, that one.

Oh, my fucking God.

That guy's incredible.

I just, I still remember.

Oh, yeah, I had sex with her.

No, you didn't.

Oh, her.

I also did before.

Did you guys ever see this woman?

Ooh, Marona.

Again, we're not going to let out.

Oh, they're heavy.

That's why.

They're heavy hangers.

But they still stay perked up.

No, they're not heavy.

They're heavy.

Look how far down her ribs are.

Yeah, they're fucking fat.

We're looking at the picture from the Just One of the Guys ones.

Oh, right, where she pretends to be a dude and then she pulls her titties out of her.

There's a woman that looks like Ralph Macchio.

Who I would eh fuck.

I would the fuck her.

You know what makes me pissed off is when I do not get to fuck a woman from a movie picture.

I see in the theater there's a movie picture where you see a woman and I want to fuck her.

And they say if I jack on in the theater, I have to go home.

That they will lock me down in the jail if I jack on in the theater.

I want a fucking second

booze.

They say we turn down the lights and see you jack off.

But I'm not doing it.

I'm not jacking on.

I'm touching my penis.

You're actually touching your penis.

I always touch my dick, dude.

Absolutely.

That's how you ground yourself in reality.

I want to suck at your booze.

Grab the end of your dick.

You meditate

the Zen of your dick.

I didn't know that's what Zen was.

Yeah, Zen stands for Zipper Heads Engaging in Naughty Touching.

That's Zent.

Yeah, the T is silent.

Okay, in naughtiness.

That's good.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, Zip's engaging in naughtiness.

Zent.

Damn,

what are some other good-ass movie titties?

Movie titties?

Did you guys ever jack off to when you guys didn't have HBO growing up?

No.

I used to jack off all the time when they had the fucking Kubrick movie.

What do you call it?

Wise Wide Shut.

Eyes Wide Shut.

I beat off to some of the movies.

It was very much a Kubrick movie called Ass Wide Open.

I jacked off to that movie for shit.

He's on fire.

He's trans.

2001, colon, the amount of guys Adam's had sex with.

That's the other one.

Do another one.

The shining asshole of Adam as the pre-come glistens around the whole

working clock

into his ass.

The cockwork orange.

Yeah, how did you not get that?

The Cockwork Orange, you glad I didn't say banana.

Which is the thing Adam put in his ass.

What did that name mean?

What was orange?

Where'd they get the name for that from?

How did that relate to the movie?

Clockwork Orange.

What does that mean?

Yeah, good point, dude.

I'm just asking.

I haven't seen it.

Yeah, that should be a pop.

You haven't seen it?

Jesus Christ.

I mean, a Clockwork Orange is a fucking boring-ass movie, dude.

Yeah, but I feel like it's a pretty famous movie.

Yeah.

Don't they like rape and shit?

Yeah, he rapes.

I don't like seeing rapes.

That's my stance.

You don't like seeing even movie rapes.

Yeah, Clockwork Orange and I like snuff films

and Rocky Horror Picture Show are two movies that I watched

that I felt like I should watch, and it's just like.

Yeah.

I don't get it.

I don't get why people like these.

Because Tim Curry's kind of rules.

I don't remember Clockwork Orange.

I think I saw it the last time when I was like 16.

Yeah, I only saw it.

I saw it one time when I was 16.

Yeah.

I saw.

It's one of those movies you watch as a teenager that's like, even then, you're like, I'm never going to watch this again.

Like, Donnie Darko.

You're supposed to Boondock Saints.

I knew that.

Nah, dude, both of those.

That's how dumb I was.

I was like, yes, dude.

I saw Boondock Saints.

I was like, this is my favorite.

I love the Donny Darko soundtrack.

Hate it.

Yeah.

Because it's Tears for Fears.

Yeah.

Yeah, that shit.

I was a big Tears for Fears fan.

I'm still like them.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World is like one of my favorite songs.

Yeah,

what is that album?

The Hurting?

I think so.

Pretty freaking

good.

Not a bad minute.

Yeah, I don't know.

I haven't actually listened to Tears for Fears in years.

Yeah, I'm stupid.

I thought Donnie Darko was good.

And it wasn't until later when I re-watched it and I was in college and I was like, hell yeah, dude.

I was showing it to someone, and I was like, dude, this movie is the fucking some deep shit.

And then I was like, oh, man,

I look stupid as shit.

This doesn't make any fucking sense.

Yeah.

They like, what was it?

It's like a time portal or some gay shit?

It's like he's got mental illness or something.

But isn't there some kind of space or time intra-dimensional element?

Yeah.

Some of that dumbass brain or whatever.

He like saves the town or something by.

Yeah.

Does he have powers or?

Yeah, he's like,

he has the power of being brooding and a teenager.

Oh, nice.

I do remember laughing very hard in that one scene, though.

With the fat girl?

With the bullies.

Yeah.

The fat girl in the class and the bullies.

The bullies just leaning back and he raises his hand.

He's like, um, yeah, didn't your dad like stab your mom?

Such a funny bully line.

Yeah, and she says, uh, puck you.

Yeah, puck you.

Yeah, she's fat.

Yeah.

She can't say peas because she's fat.

I don't know.

Yeah, do you have that problem?

Yeah.

So fat that your lips weigh too much to make a f sound.

That's very funny.

It's funny to me when it happens.

Was there a pedophile in that movie?

Yeah.

A famous guy was.

Swayze.

Patrick Swayze.

Yeah, Swayze was a

fucking kids.

Yeah, Donnie Dark.

I don't even remember.

Sway's a motivational speaker.

No, it's not Swayze.

I think it's.

But there is a movie where Swayze is a pedophile, isn't it?

Dirty Dancing.

Yeah.

Extremely dirty dancing.

Dirty Dancing to

Dirty Dancing.

I watched this ring around the rosy.

I watched recently.

dirty dancing to what?

Dirty dancing.

Have you seen it before?

I think so.

It's ridiculous, dude.

Now, who plays the pedophile motivational speaker?

I think it is Swayze.

Maybe.

Yeah, I think.

Or someone Swayze-like, if it's not Swayze.

Yeah, they find a bunch of childborn in his house because it burns down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dirty Dancing really bothered me when I saw it recently because there's like a ton of 80s music in it, but it's supposed to take place in the 50s.

It's like it's like temporary that makes no sense.

Wait, just a little bit longer.

Yeah.

The dancing is remarkably dirty.

I thought that they were

exaggerating.

He has his cock out.

No, they're like really just rubbing cocks.

OTPH over the pants fucking.

Yeah.

My favorite kind.

It was so sad when Patrick Swayze died.

Yeah, he's awesome.

He's great.

Yeah.

Who does not like Swayze?

You know what?

What I'm going to do after we finish this and I don't upload the podcast for hours and hours past the deadline.

They make people cuss at me on the internet.

First of all, you make people cuss at you on your own with your attitude.

I have a good attitude.

Being disrespectful towards me.

When all I ever

is just try to drive this show into the ground for all of our sakes so we can move on to whatever the next thing is.

And what I try to do is bring in a spirit of joy and celebration.

Division about stability.

Yeah.

Yeah, God forbid.

No, I mean, it really fucking isn't.

You got to mix things up.

That's how I got here.

Yep.

By being a wild card.

By being a cracker jack, a regular fucking rogue, a maverick.

Yes, dude.

My man's John McCain 08, dude.

You're in the trends, you know?

That's how

you let self-loathing dictate all of your snap decisions to burn bridges and give up on things until eventually you haphazardly luck into some kind of success.

And then you burn it all into the ground and you start over by being a dog walker that's

sort of

tolerated in the Brooklyn Open mic scene after years of disparaging them.

I'm going back to the mics, guys.

On your racist podcast.

Hell yeah.

That sounds like a good-ass plan, dude.

You guys want to go hit a Mike later tonight?

Just hit one hard?

I can't tonight.

Why can't you, babe?

Have a show.

Adam wants to go hit a guy named Mike.

Yeah.

He wants a guy named Mike to take him around back behind the Chinese restaurant for a little one-two special.

That's what Adam calls.

What's that?

You know what it is, too.

Yeah, one-two special.

That's when you put the low mane, the lubricator.

You put one in your two-hole.

Yeah.

Your asshole?

That's right.

Would you let a guy fuck your ear?

No.

Why not?

He's got a really little dick.

You can play with your dog's nipples.

Why not?

He's got a really small dick, and it basically feels like you're getting analogous.

Because one is a weird sexual deviancy, and so is the other.

But here's the thing: his dick is really small, and it cleans out your ears better than any q-tip.

What if it was

a two-and-a-half-foot-tall man

who had some kind of leprechaun, leprechaun movies?

And either he fucks your ear or he saws you in half.

Well, I'd let him fuck my ear then.

Yeah, okay.

That's what I think.

So you'd let a guy fuck your ear instead of dying.

Biggest surprise.

Adam wants to get fucked in his ear by an ethnic midget.

Well, it's an Irish.

I guess, yeah, that's ethnic.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, what were you implying there?

That Irish are what?

That the Irish aren't an ethnicity.

Dude, you know, Mullen is a proud Irishman.

You know me, dude.

I love Boston.

I love wearing green.

I love St.

Patty's Day.

Irish Irish.

Don't ever disrespect the Irish in America.

You know, we used to be slaves.

There was 20 years when we couldn't get a job.

That's not actually, that was never real.

Oh,

it's probably maybe like four years.

It's a lie.

No, it's not real.

It never happened.

It was never a single one of these.

It's literally

brick-a-brac invented by fucking Bennigans.

It was a thing they put on the wall.

That is hilarious.

By the novelty wall industry.

That is so funny.

The wall ornament industry.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of shit like the fucking the Gadson flag that don't tread on me, snake.

Yeah.

It was like never

like.

No, it wasn't a flag.

People think that was like the original flag of the United States.

It was one of the

floating?

No.

What it was was like in the late 1800s, it was like an ensign that the U.S.

Navy used.

And then like 20 years later, it appears on like a commemorative plate, and then there was some sort of like

ahistorical, like revisionist history of the Gadson flag because it looks cool, and people decided that it was like the original flag of the United States.

I think that the Maryland state flag is the coolest looking thing.

It is a good flag.

It's a black-eyed Susan, my bitch.

Yeah.

What is it from?

Lord Baltimore's coat of arms.

Lord Baltimore and then the Calvert family.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, shout out to Maryland.

You know what our fucking state sport is?

Football.

Jousting.

I'm pretty sure it's on lacrosse.

I swear to God, it's jousting.

It's crab cakes and football.

That's what Maryland does.

I know all of them.

Or I know a lot of them.

All of what?

All of the state things.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Really?

I don't know any other ones.

What's the official flower of Pennsylvania?

Black-eyed Susan.

No, I'm talking about Maryland.

Oh, yeah, Maryland.

Black-eyed Susan.

which is a flower named after domestic violence.

Ask me about

that doesn't know how to keep her.

Trap shut, Susan.

I'll tell you about Nevada.

Yeah.

Official flower.

You already told her twice, Susan.

Yeah, the Chesapeake Bay Retriever.

Yeah.

The UNBC, that was my alma mater.

That was our fucking mascot.

The Labrador.

We didn't even get a real Chesapeake Bay Retriever.

The fucking

Black-Eyed Susan.

The White Oak is the tree.

The animal, I think, is a dinosaur.

No, every state has a state dinosaur or fossil or something.

I think we got bronosaurus.

I think some type of rockfish is the fish.

I guess I don't know all the station.

The motto is

manly deeds, womanly words.

That's right.

We've been over that.

Yeah.

Nevada is sagebrush.

That's the state.

That's basically our motto.

What are the state things from where you're from?

San Francisco.

Okay, so you're from the prolapsed asshole.

Yeah, the mission and that's the state flower is the

sun, the sort of

like flare burst around a man's asshole.

That's gay.

That's kind of a thing.

You're not allowed to call yourself gay.

Only we're allowed to do it.

If you do it, you're stealing our bit.

The only bit you can do is

impishly defending yourself.

What do you mean impishly?

From our barrage of powerful insults.

From our level 99 insults that ravage your flimsy personality.

Like the gossamer, faint weakling that you are.

Oh, fuck.

Can I have a moment to defend myself?

No, you cannot.

Please.

You know, parliamentary rules.

Nick's got the floor.

Robert's rules.

Yeah.

The Queens of Marduk rules.

The Marmaduke rules.

Yeah.

So So what is parliamentary procedures, like you could just control how someone talks and shit?

Yeah, you got to talk for time, and then you have to pass motions.

I feel like that doesn't happen as much.

I feel like there's not a lot of maneuvering on parliamentary procedures anymore.

I don't know.

You got to listen to Chopo Trap House.

They do it all the time.

Do they?

Yeah, it's all parliamentary.

Oh, fuck.

I didn't know that, dude.

Parliamentary, my dear Watson.

I got to brush up.

I can't wait till Getting Head is in the news so I can go on as an expert on Chapo Trap House.

Adam went on to be a tattletale.

I went on twice, actually, and I was a tattletale both times.

First, I was on a tattletale on the Zionist youth experience, and then the second time.

Unlike you guys, I'm not using our podcast as a stepping stone to get on other podcasts.

What are you talking about?

You do other podcasts all the time.

Only because they're below our podcast.

Oh, so you're saying that I help out Luis J.

Gomez by

doing some of

his podcasts, which do have a bigger audience but that that's most of those people most of those are repeat listens because his fans are mongoloids they can't get it all in one pass

so he gets multiple downloads right yeah basically most they can't half of the people that listen to the real last dude podcast and i'm not trying to be mean but they have both fetal alcohol syndrome and down syndrome

They got what they call in the medical community as the double whamming.

Oh, no, no, no.

And cauliflower ears.

They're born when they're born with cauliflower ear.

Domestically abused a pussy beats their ears up like a fucking gym mat on the way out of the vestibule.

You know, doctors used to box babies' ears the second they were born to make them deaf.

Did they true?

No.

No, we thought it was good.

We didn't know it was bad.

We'll make them stronger.

Cauliflower ear is one of the funniest things to me.

I was scared from getting I wrestled.

Did you wrestle?

I wrestled for a season, yeah.

But you, didn't you wrestle guys that are much taller than you?

Because of your weight?

No, every wrestlers are typically pretty short because tall guys are you're at a disadvantage in wrestling.

You've got to be probably just way more jacked than him.

Yeah.

I was good at wrestling.

I just didn't, I couldn't stick, like, I would just get gassed.

I was actually like...

With actual wrestlers, I could fucking roll around with them.

But then it was like after the first round, I was like, just done.

I never exercised and shit.

You're cooked.

What was cool, though, was sometimes I was the second string guy.

There's like a much better who like actually wrestled.

And so I would fight the sports.

I did a sport called wrestling where I would go into the women's bathroom and I would wrangle them into one of the stalls.

I would wear a mask.

A Luchador mask.

Because no one's going to believe them.

And if they do, then they usually interrogate the guys in the Home Depot parking lot.

Luchador's smart.

Yeah.

Throw them off the scent.

You're throwing fucking.

I kept saying, I'm like, Uh, dos, Trish.

Saying stuff like that.

Throwing Doritos.

Yeah, I paint my hands black, and I wear a shirt with Chinese letters on it.

I go to Dom.

You want to be sure it says princess?

The detectives are like, geez, this guy could be Chinese, black, or Mexican.

But we know one thing for sure: it's definitely not a white guy.

With these clues.

Luchador mask.

He's was wearing a Lucha Dorm mask and a sombrero.

He opened her pussy up with a pair of chopsticks.

And then he left a bunch of change on the floor of the bathroom, which he later came back for.

Ah, throwing Jew at the end there.

There was invitations to a bar missed.

Dude, that's the perfect crime.

Todd, you never got to go to a bar men's grown-up?

I went to two.

You went to two?

Yeah, my boy.

Did you freak?

Did you freak dance?

Did you freak dance?

It wasn't a really freaky dancey.

I think I got robbed of that.

It was kind of classy, dude.

It was really nice, and it was like downtown McCormick and Schmidt.

They had a great fucking spread.

I learned how to freak.

Did you guys have Adam's mom?

Oh, you mean her pussy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, guys.

There's all this mom jokes that you guys have been doing about my mom.

Don't do that.

I didn't really tell you about what happened a couple months ago with my family.

What happened?

My dad, he had a Boflex gym, home gym, and he murdered my entire family.

He put your mom in the crippler crossbase until she died.

And then that story rules.

Chris Benoit.

Yeah, I can't believe they made a movie about CTE, that fucking piece of shit Will Smith movie, and it wasn't just about Chris Benoit.

They should have just been a mission.

The movie should have been called Benoit, and they should have taken, because Hollywood does it anyways.

It should have been Will Smith playing an African guy that loves wrestling.

It's like, you don't do not understand.

Benoit is innocent.

He is an innocent man.

Where I come from, murdering your family is good

because they took your picture.

They took a picture of him, and so they deserve to die.

I forget that he was African.

Yeah, I never saw that terrible accent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell the truth.

Literally,

like on par with ours.

He's an African football doctor.

Yeah, yeah.

That's so weird.

The best African accent.

Can you go see that with your mom, Nick?

Concussion?

Yeah.

No, I've never even seen it.

Who told me they saw it with?

Oh, this is my friend Jonah.

He went to go see Concussion with his mom.

The best African accent is The Last King of Scotland.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man, I got to re-watch that movie.

When I watched that movie, it was like when I first got intorrents downloading torrents of movies because

for whatever reason, I just didn't

liked going to Blockbuster.

That was one of the first ones I got, and it was like a telescreen

or like a HD cam.

So the sound was all fucked up.

And so I never got to appreciate that movie in full DVD format.

Forest motherfucking Whitaker.

You watched it on your TV.

R.I.P.

Forrest Witter.

He was, you know what he was in?

He died yesterday.

Oh, my God, dude.

No, that's sad.

Oh,

who was it?

Prodigy.

Yeah, I always confuse those two.

Prodigy from Mob Deep in Forrest Wood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right.

So there's something about him

that makes that confuses

between those two men.

They have one overlapping quality, and I can't quite pinpoint it.

And it's just those two that you can't get straight?

No, it's some other people.

They're talented.

It's him,

James from McDonald's.

Come on.

Michela Gorilla.

Yeah.

Balloo from the lion or the jungle book.

Let's see, who else?

Cat Williams.

Yeah.

I love Cat Williams.

Dude, I watched two stretches from the jungle book.

Has he come back from getting knocked out by a child?

That video was great.

Really bad.

That's the best video.

He's what you want, little boy.

He's so awesome, dude.

I mean, he's like 5'4 and shit.

Whatever, dude.

It's so good.

That's amazing.

That video of him in Times.

That's really why the internet was invented.

How about that video of him in Tari where he like slaps the cashier and rides away in a fucking motorized scooter?

God, he's the best.

He's so funny.

I hope he comes back.

I watched one special, and he's straight.

It's not that long.

It's like 41 minutes, but he is

killing the entire fucking time.

It's awesome.

It's like closer after closer.

All you've ever seen is Cat Williams and Andrew Dice Clay specials.

I haven't seen any dice specials.

Have you ever seen Forrest Gomp?

I've seen, like, he saw the dice movie that night.

No, I never saw it.

I've never saw it.

I tried to find it.

You never saw it?

I can only, I tried to find it.

I can't believe I didn't even know that existed.

If there was one.

The adventures of Ford Fairline, dude?

Come on.

Come on.

We tried to dice a star.

How about Andrew Vice Clay?

And he's like, yo, you know what would be fucking legit?

Did ketamine and beat a woman?

Which

check that out.

Smokes a cigarette over his fucking

cigarette.

Some Bengali cigarette.

He's wearing a kefia.

Andrew Vice Clay, that's good.

That's good.

Write that down.

Yeah.

That's one I don't.

Because every other one has been done already.

Andrew Dice Gay being the best

of all time.

Hickory dickory dock.

I love sucking cock.

Man, Anne is so funny.

He really is, dude.

He's hilarious.

God, that's such a good fucking bit.

Yeah.

I haven't seen that video in a while.

We should run it up after this.

Yeah, we should all watch old ant bits.

I've been doing that.

I've been digging into old ONA shit.

Oh, yeah.

Trying to learn.

Dude, it's so funny.

The fucking Patrice O'Neal the day after the Kramer thing happened.

I gotta watch that one.

I was peeing my pants, dude.

This is so funny.

So you were peeing your pants, and then you decided to watch this video.

So I was peeing my pants, and then I'm like,

I need to watch an old ONA Just peeing his bands.

This is what I think sex is.

My friend told me that when I was a kid.

My friend, we were

roller hooked.

We're playing roller house.

I don't think sex is when he sits by himself and quietly pisses his fans.

It's so funny how much pussy I get.

That's the dumbest shit ever he said in the Adam's gay genre.

That one got me good.

It makes no sense whatsoever.

Sitting down and quietly and pissing himself.

Just

looking through the fucking peephole at the front of the apartment, looking through the blinds to make sure his parents aren't home.

And then just sitting in the living room chair, puts down a couple of newspapers and quietly pees himself in his mom's clothes.

That's a good wrinkle.

You ever see that movie Hearts of Atlantis?

No.

Where fucking

Anthony Hopkins plays some old man with magical power.

It's one of those movies that I'm pretty sure was a Stephen King book where they turn it into a movie and you watch it and you don't know it's a Stephen King book, but you're like, what the fuck is happening?

They just cut out like whole chapters and stuff like that.

Well, it can be magic for that reason.

Yeah, there's magic going on.

It's like some bullshit town in Maine and there's a little boy and you know, like that kind of shit.

So Arts of Atlantis, he's an old man that stays with this family and he can do magic and the kids getting bullied.

And then Anthony Hopkins like intervenes and protects the boy from the bullies and he does it by being psychic and knowing that the main bully is like gay.

And so he's like, you like to dress up in your mother's clothes when she's not home, don't you?

She's like,

shut up.

And he's like, you like it.

You like the way it looks when you wear your mother's clothes.

It feels good, doesn't it?

And he's just gay.

Black males

a queer youth.

Yeah, right.

By the way, he's a bully because he doesn't know how to handle your homosexuality.

So the movie has the mournful message that bullies are actually just faggots.

Great, great.

That's actually like just that's very much my father's morality on things.

Yeah, no one cares about your father, dude.

Newsflash?

Nobody cares about that.

Newsflash.

Bring him back newsflash.

I've never learned a moral lesson from my father once, I don't think.

He's just his morality is like the Republicans just need to get fucked.

Hell yeah.

They're just horny.

That's why they're like that.

Like, dad, that doesn't make any sense.

I don't think my dad has a single opinion on anything.

Your dad sounds like he rules.

I would probably be great friends with you.

You would.

No, you guys would get along, dude.

I would like your dad, too.

Yeah, I mean, he's funny.

No, he would hate Adam.

No, he wouldn't.

He'd call you a bitch.

No, he wouldn't.

He wouldn't.

Actually, I already spoke to Stav Sr.

and he's a dad.

What are you talking about?

Stav's dad is just a bigger version of Stav that opens up and Stav goes inside.

And then his grandfather is an even bigger version of that.

That's Russian, dude.

Shut up, you fucking idiot.

Don't call me that in public on the podcast in front of people.

They're called Matryoshka dolls, right?

marashina dolls marash babushka babushka what does that mean it means it means grandmother

grandpa grandpa grandma yeah grandmama

um anyway so uh is stavre senior just he's just a greek version of you an old man he's like oh no oh i love to eat pussy no i don't know if my dad eats pussy dude he seems like a selfish lover really my dad yeah i i would i would guess so um we were joking around before the show about that uh that they tried to make like a fleshlight for women, a cunnelingus machine that looks like a fan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you see this picture of Stop Ryan Shudd posted on Instagram?

Yeah, I fell asleep in my hand and my balls.

Just completely down his pants.

Yeah, I'll burn it.

Your pants are up to your fucking elbow.

Nah, I mean, you know, yeah.

It's pretty.

Well, I was just comfortable.

I used to live with this guy, and he passed out drunk one night, and he passed out with his hand down the back of his pants in his ass.

What?

And I took a picture of it.

Yeah, he was like off the bed and I took a picture of it and I was showing people and he like just never forgave me.

I mean it was kind of a you know

violation

of shit, dude.

That's called being in a boys' house.

If you're living in the boys, dude, you're going to get your pants pulled down.

You're going to get held down and fucked.

Oh, a whole rack of gay shit's going to be happening to you.

Ricky gay shit.

With your boys.

All right.

We're like way over time here.

Are we?

Yeah, we're hour 20.

Oh, damn.

We're done.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

The show.

Okay, yes.

A couple shows coming up.

On Saturday, we have a show with Luis Jay Gomez for Luis J.

Gomez.

Yes, Gangfest.

Festival at the Creek in the Cave at 100.

I'm turning his mic down.

Come on, dude.

We got to promote our shows.

So we're on Skank Fest, I think, at 1 or 1:30 on Saturday.

Creek in the Cave.

And then on Monday, we have Funny Moms, and it's a.

We got a banger.

I know I say this all the time, but it's a fucking amazing lineup this month.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's going to be really good.

Guys, we got Emma Willman, Greg Proops.

We got Greg Proops, Ryan Styles,

Drew Carey, Drew Carey, and we're making it up.

Wayne Brady,

Wayne Brady.

We got Wayne Brady.

We got Cuba Gooding Jr.

We got Cat Williams.

Yes.

We got Forrest Whitaker, I think.

There's some guy that looks like Forrest Whitaker.

A stand-up?

Yeah.

It might be our friend Jamel.

Sorry to have him.

Does he have a lazy eye?

No, he doesn't.

Eldous has kind of a cock eye.

It's so fucking funny.

Stav, you kind of have a lazy eye.

No, I don't.

I mean, like, both, like, your whole body is lazy.

I have a lazy eye in that it's in my body.

And also, relaunch the damn gram, baby, Stavi Baby 2.

Follow your boy.

The Graham is up.

We got those two shows.

Saturday, 1:30 at the Creek.

And then come on, everybody.

Doors at 8.

If you want to see it, have me on PlayStation also.

I'm trying to get a Twitch thing going, my own independent project where I game and I I yell at the you get me get to watch me get mad at Battlefield One.

Yes.

And I try to reach it's gonna be exactly how many people want to watch that.

That's pathetic, yeah.

No, it'll be great.

Let's use that worship mick.

Anyway, so yeah, so um oh also the Saturday show is a live podcast.

The Monday show is a stand-up show uh as per ush.

Uh funny moms.

But anyway, yeah, so you guys know I need a new project.

I need some I need to I need to find a way to working on the web series, dude.

No, no.

The projects for me are things that might get me arrested.

Like a fun project.

Like what?

Like ruining a business or, you know,

just

property or something.

Pretending to be a Down syndrome girl and okay, Cupid.

That kind of stuff.

Oh, that's classic.

Classic.

I mean, I really don't.

I haven't done anything fun since Childporn.sexy.

That was great.

That was, yeah.

That's a good.

Maybe I'll lie my way into some kind of contest.

Now we're talking.

All right, let's talk off mic.

We don't want this recorded.

Yeah, all right.

For legal purposes.

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