Ep. 56 – The Resistance

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Brandon's show with his wife.

A girlfriend is a wife, dude.

Oh, that's true.

Are we

going?

Is the show going?

Yeah, we already started.

He's one of those dream of consciousness writer.

I wanted to get Tumblr girls.

You wanted to get secretly.

No, no, I wanted to get a second of silence, but you guys wouldn't listen to me, so I just started recording it while you were talking shit on Brandon's show.

I wasn't talking.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we were.

I don't know why I'm lying about that.

Yeah, We're talking blatant shit.

The one guy lower on the totem pole.

The end of the material human centipede, Brandon Wardell.

The guy that rides behind Adam.

Did we joke on the show?

I am lowest on the bill for that show.

Did we talk

about

what?

About how much that Japanese guy at the back of the human centipede would have loved that shit.

And they pretend like he doesn't like it in the movie.

I never saw a human centipede.

Oh, yeah.

It's two hot girls and then a Japanese guy.

Oh, really?

Yeah, who's in the middle, I think.

Does he ever get the front?

Or maybe, you know what?

Maybe he's in the front.

With his mouth.

Oh, that's funny.

I don't know.

I'd love to be in the front.

You know, you know, he would, like, the German scientists would be telling him his plans, and he would be like, thank you.

Thank you for this gift to me.

Duritius.

This is the only thing I have ever dreamed of.

To be sewed together.

the front of the Cuban centipede's not bad.

Yeah.

You don't have to eat anything.

Me and Cubists were talking about it one time.

It's like, what's the worst?

What's the ranking

best to worst?

And then, like, there's all this, all these people we were talking to that were like, you know,

oh, well, you know, the front's obviously the most ideal.

And then probably the back, and then the middle.

And it's like, no, it's first the front, then the middle.

100%.

I'm at least getting it.

At least you're getting your ass eaten.

You shitting in someone's mouth.

You want to shit in someone's mouth.

Yeah.

At the very least.

Yeah, right.

That's a consolation process.

I would say that the front is almost good.

The front's great.

Yeah.

That's a good thing to happen.

It's funny.

Yeah.

Because you're the only one not suffering.

Your whole life is just like shit.

Like, imagine if I was in the front and Adam was behind me, you know how happy I'd be?

Walking.

Every day you're just eating my shit.

It's funny.

I wouldn't last that long.

Probably.

I don't think he'd die in that movie.

From just a moment.

From sepsis.

Oh, from literally from just having the shit people accuse me of having.

You don't have it?

Who accuses you of having?

No, that's like a meme.

People on the boards?

Yeah, that's it.

I have.

Nick's got sepsis.

Yeah, people on Game Facts keep saying that I have sepsis.

Dude, I had a rough week this week.

You ever use Game Facts?

I never did.

I've never, I don't know how any board works at all.

I got to the internet much too late.

We got it when I was used to it.

I just used it for porn, dude.

I never used it.

No, I never.

I still don't understand how it works.

I tried to go on Reddit once.

I don't get it.

Oh, I don't understand how it works.

Well, yeah, that's kind of its own thing.

That's different.

Aren't all boards that way, though?

It's like moderators.

Yeah.

And there's like sub-shits.

And people vote for your, like, if it's a good comment, whatever.

No, they don't have the voting stuff.

Oh, no.

Okay.

Is that Reddit?

Is the upvote down vote?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes I've tried to get on other boards where I'm researching something, and I just, I'm too stupid to understand the board.

So it's like, I'm not gonna figure out how to boards.

They are kind of an old thing, I feel like.

Yeah, it's like email, it's like not knowing how email works.

Well, I get email, but not boards, man.

I don't have to tell you, I'm dumb.

I'm an old man because we didn't get internet in my house.

I had dial-up when I was like,

I don't know, in freshman year of high school, ninth grade.

Yeah, we didn't get high-speed internet until I was like

in 10th grade.

You can use forms with dial-up.

Yeah, you don't need to

download stuff.

I had AOL at home or whatever the fuck.

The only thing I used it for was aim.

My mom

did it.

My mom still had dial-up until like four years ago.

No way.

Yeah, she just refused.

Who even provides dial-up?

She would get into like fights with Verizon because they would like, they're like, we're going to cut off your service.

Hell yeah, dude.

What was after dial-up?

DSL, right?

Yeah, DSL.

Dick sucking lips.

Yeah, that's what it stands for.

Man, I'm getting getting sluggish after this smoothie.

I ate a giant steak yesterday.

I saw that.

I was jealous.

I know.

I made it myself.

How'd you do it?

I seared it.

I used salt and pepper.

You got a cast iron?

Yeah.

Well, Amber does.

I use hers.

I would use some butter and a little bit of, what's that?

Thyme.

Yeah.

Yes, thyme is good.

Put a little bit of peak.

If your dick is really big, what you do is you put the fucking, you put the pan at 500 degrees in the fucking oven.

Well after it's a bit hot.

You get it screaming hot.

No, no, no, no.

To get it hot as shit.

And then you put the fucking heat high, throw the fucking pan that's already.

It's already been in the oven.

Yeah, man.

Put that fucker on there for like 90 seconds each side.

I mean,

the pan gets pretty fucking hot.

You just need to sear it for like about two minutes each side.

I mean, cooking a steak's pretty good.

Depends on what cut of steak it is.

You got to go ribby.

If you're going straight.

Yeah, I get ribey.

Ribeye, the fatty shit.

That's my favorite.

Hell yeah.

Get that marblization popping.

Let's get a fucking ribeye.

We got to get boisters, and we got to get a fucking stick.

We still need to go to Peter Luger's steakhouse.

Fuck yeah, dude.

I went with Ben.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's run it back.

I'm down to try a different thing.

Yeah, I remember I was trying to come and you were like, no, actually, it's just me and Ben going.

Yeah, sometimes.

Because they had a reservation, man.

People can have plans that don't involve you, Nick.

No, it's not going to eat.

I know

about this.

Me and Ben.

Ben's like one of my best friends.

We live in different cities.

I see him fucking six times a year.

Also, they made a reservation for dinner.

It was said, he was like, I'm coming.

We're getting steaks.

He had no point to say that they made a reservation for dinner.

He said he had a 6 p.m.

reservation at Peter League's with Ben.

Oh, did you go?

Is that how you know?

Yeah, Adam was there.

I invited my friends I like.

It was me, Adam, Ben.

And then we could only add one.

Brandon Wardell Skyped in.

Darcy was there.

That girl Darcy hates.

Yeah, Eve Piser was there.

Brandon, it was okay, cool.

Eve was telling everyone she's Jewish.

The whole restaurant loved it.

They're like, hey, you got to get along with this girl.

She's hilarious.

She's telling us she's Jewish.

Have you ever heard such a funny joke in your life?

Yeah, so otherwise, though, you know, I'd be happy to have involved you.

But you get it.

It was a close, personal thing.

Yeah, Brandon ordered fidget spinners.

He ordered fucking chicken nuggets at a steakhouse.

But we should go get steaks for real and boisterous.

To celebrate,

well, there's a lot of reason to celebrate today.

It's Donald Trump's birthday.

Is it?

It's flag day.

It's flag day.

Adam's got a couple of rainbow flags set up around his house.

That's his flag.

A couple.

I got it.

It's like the United Nations over at my house.

Just a hundred different rainbow flags.

You've got the rainbow version of every country.

Every country.

Exactly.

Every time you suck off a guy from a different country, he gives you one of those.

Well, I got actually just 50 of the Israel rainbow flags.

We've had a couple of good shootings today.

One at UPS, and I've feuded with UPS numerous times.

Anytime anything anything bad happens to one of their transit centers, amen.

God watch.

That was pretty cool.

Bernie Bro.

The Bernie Bros.

Bernie Bros shot up a bunch of congressmen playing softball.

Which is like, you know,

it's like good, right?

Yeah.

I'm just like, if you're going to be some fucking old asshole playing baseball, fuck baseball.

Well, how many of you deserve to get shot?

How many dudes?

Baseball's gay, dude.

How many of you're a fucking senator fucking fielding balls and shit?

Get the fuck out of here how many 80 years old 90 guns that they got at gun shows that aren't registered that were stockpiling to take arms against the government had a backtrack today like a million probably yeah it is strange that it's a bernie bro i mean shouts out you know aha you know it's we're getting we're getting in the mass shooting game you know what i mean

we're we're getting you know it wasn't just being uh chauvinist that wasn't enough it wasn't enough being mean to ladies now we're shooting people too dude we're getting in in the game.

And there was also a big fire in London, which was pretty cool.

Was there?

Yeah, it was

a Muslim apartment complex that burned down.

Oh, so.

Yeah, you know what?

Chalk one up for the good guys.

Take that.

That's how I feel.

So, for today, you would say it kind of evens out because

a beautiful Republican senator got shot.

I'm so glad.

No, I'm on board with the Bernie Bros shooting.

Okay, you're on every board.

It's a good good day.

Every act of violence, you're pro to baseball.

I'm 100%.

I'm pro to break.

I'm also pro to baseball.

I'm on Trump's birthday.

And flag day.

Yeah, I'm anti-baseball.

I didn't even know there was a UPS one.

Yeah, the UPS one just happened.

Isn't that kind of like hack the going postal?

Oh, there's a shooting in the Barclays.

That's a shitty job.

Actually, you know what?

It's not.

UPS guys are Teamsters, and even the dickheads is standing around.

It's not bad.

They make

fucking $18 an hour, yeah.

Yeah, we had a family friend who was a pilot for UPS, and he was fucking loaded.

A pilot?

Yeah.

What, postal workers?

I would love to be a mailman on my shit.

You're not Teamsters.

That shit would be tight.

You get little shorts.

You have to walk around all fucking day, little party.

You got to do a shit ton of squats, though, because if you're squatting.

Imagine Adam's legs going around.

What's wrong with my legs?

Yeah, Adam has horrible little bitch-ass legs.

Or at least I have hair on my legs.

I have hair.

First of all, Stop's hair.

You barely have hair on balls.

That's not why that medical inside the fat hairs.

The fat raptor just got

sucked in like the end of a piece of spaghetti into a mouth.

It's like when they steal little pieces of feathers on chicken fat.

You know what I mean?

Oh, that's the worst.

I have beautiful fucking gams.

You actually do have really powerful legs.

Good muscular legs.

It's no wonder why you have really powerful legs.

How many fat guys have you seen with skinny legs, bitch?

No.

A lot.

A lot have skinny halves.

I am a fucking, I'm a, I'm an athletic specimen.

And that's what, and you're, you're, you know what I mean?

Like, I agree.

You have nice legs.

And so do I, and so does Nick.

You have horrible legs.

Why?

Why?

I thought we were the nice leg boys.

No.

I thought that was.

He has okay legs, but he works on them.

You, you have entitlement.

You think.

I wish my calves were bigger.

Yeah.

It's it's that's one of the

most embarrassing things.

Yeah.

It's a bigger thing.

It's a good

throughout this life

without meaty calves.

That was Mill House's thing in that future episode where Lisa is marrying that British guy.

Mill House gets jacked and he can't get his calves going.

Oh, man.

Your future Mill House, bitch.

Damn.

And your present Mill House.

I'm just saving up for the implants.

No.

No, my legs are nice, but I just

choose to sit.

You are kind of the Lisa Simpson of the podcast.

Why?

Because I'm good with the psychology.

Because Lisa was saxophone?

Yeah, because you chime in with some bullshit.

What do you mean, some bullshit?

The worst character on the show.

Lisa's the worst.

I'm the best.

I'm Homer.

You're the AJ Soprano of our podcast.

No, I'm not.

I'm

Tony.

I'm Tony Soprano.

You're the girl from Gilligan that we talked about last week that they all fuck.

Not the hot one, the other one.

And Nick is Homer.

Yeah, that's the podcast.

I'm Tony Soprano.

Nick is Homer.

And you're the brute.

You're Lisa's Island.

You're Lisa from Gilligan's Island.

That's not true at all.

I reject that.

I reject all of that.

Nick, you can't be Homer.

Homer's never been rude to anyone ever.

What?

He's not rude.

Is that a serious name?

It's serious.

You don't think he's Homer's?

Who the fuck are you talking about?

Who's he rude to?

Literally everybody.

Flanders?

He has no social.

Flanders is the nicest guy in the world, and he's a piece of shit.

No, Homer's never been rude.

That's like a central part of the character.

He doesn't mean to be.

He's fucking stupid.

Well, yeah.

He has no social graces.

But Nick is on purpose.

I've literally modeled my personality after Homer Simpson.

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have.

Someone who's rude and doesn't understand why he's being rude.

That doesn't remind you of anyone in this fucking room right now.

Okay, Nick, you're up.

And you're Lisa.

Why am I Lisa?

She's smart.

She's good at screen.

You're Lisa if she wasn't smart.

She has Liberty Spike hair.

That's one of my favorite jokes I would get back to Mill House is when someone calls Mill House a nerd, and he's like, I'm not a nerd.

Nerds are smart.

And we're watching Indiana Jones.

I'm the Ralph Wiggle movie.

He's making me want to revisit the hat store.

Dude, we got to go back.

Indiana Jones sucks, by the way.

Yeah, we had a nice day at that hat store.

You know, I've tried to like these movies a million times, and they're just fucking boring.

Yeah.

It's just fucking slow.

And I like the one that's raised to Asian.

Who's the Asian kid in the second one?

Short round.

Yeah.

Ducker Jones.

Duca Jones.

He fucked my ass.

Not now, short round.

I don't have time to listen to your stories about getting fucked in the ass.

Now that's a movie.

How old is Harrison Ford?

That motherfucker is still flying 70 years.

He's old.

He's 77 years old.

Isn't he like always going to crashing and shit?

Yeah, he's still fucking.

He was fucking out of time.

I'm taking my private plane to Southeast Asia so I can go fuck Short Round.

I forget.

Pedophile Indiana Jones.

Yeah.

No, I think I did it like tweet like five or six years ago.

That's when Twitter was fun.

With Indiana Jones looking at Short Round's ass, and he goes,

this belongs in a museum.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, Short Round.

Yeah, who was also...

Who was Data in fucking Goonies?

Oh, was he?

I think so.

Chinese movie.

Was he the guy that was also in

the Aiden

Ringwald movie?

Long Dong?

Long Dong.

No.

Yeah, it was Jackie Chan.

That's how Jackie Chan got his start.

16 Candles.

I'm a huge Jackie Chan fan.

No one can say anything bad about that guy to me.

He's gay and he's a bitch.

Please do not say that to me.

And you're actually a bigger bitch than him.

If Jackie Chan.

Although, you know what?

You know what?

That fucking cartoon, I love that fucking colour.

Yeah, Jackie Chan Adventures.

Jackie Chan Adventures is good.

He's his niece.

Yeah.

Because he's so good.

Jackie Chan reproduces asexually.

That's right.

That's why he doesn't look like he's aged.

We're actually on Jackie number seven.

He just lays an egg, and then a smaller Jackie Chan comes out of it.

And eventually, when they reach the same height, 5'2 ⁇ , they replace the old Jackie Chan with the new one.

Whatever.

All those Jackies do their own stunts, dude.

Yeah.

Dude, wasn't he also in porn?

Him and Stallone did porn before they got famous, right?

Stallone did soft porn.

That's 100% true.

Jackie James.

Where did you get that from?

I think he did.

Vincent Diesel, didn't he?

Huh?

Locky.

Locky Balboa.

Locky, there we go.

Yeah, Barboa, dude.

Come on.

Fit it, dude.

Come on.

Dot all your eyes and cross all your T's, dude.

That was great.

Pull all your I's back and cross all your lawns

and get all your green T's.

Your Oolong T's.

Did, what's his name?

Vin Diesel do gay porn or something?

Didn't something?

Yeah.

Well, it was a hobby, like privately, aside from all the fast and the furious movies.

Yeah, he did gay porn the way you do gay porn.

Yeah.

I know that Stallone was like living

all the time.

He was homeless for sexual gratification.

He was home at the Port Authority bus station.

Yeah, I've seen that viral video.

He had to sell his dog or whatever.

And he saw that for a softcore porn.

Yeah.

He's buying dogs from homeless ones.

I know, I know.

Exactly.

Who the fuck bought it?

That story is that dog died, and he didn't want to say he had his dog killed.

Man, I watched The Founder the other night.

What that about?

It's about

Ray Kroc.

Oh, yeah, that was on the plane.

I didn't watch it.

The founder of Crocs?

Yeah, he founded, yeah.

The mic was made by Mario.

It was funny.

There is a scene in the movie where he's like, he's like, why he went with McDonald's?

He's like, that's such a great name.

Who's going to buy something called Croc?

That's a fun little dig at that dumbass shoe.

Was it good?

It was alright, I guess.

Didn't he like fuck someone over?

Isn't that funny?

Yeah, he fucked everyone over.

Nice.

He didn't invent anything.

Nice.

But it's like, we were arguing about it the other night.

That's not even a unique story in American business.

Yeah, that's every successful business.

Pretty much.

Yeah, dude.

Microsoft was entirely like just Bill Gates involved.

The Winklevosses, right?

The Winkle Vosses.

Yeah, the Winkle Vosses invented Microsoft.

Yeah.

And Bill Gates stole the idea from him.

Yeah, well, when you have such a fucking charismatic fucking frontman as Bill Gates, imagine being such a nerd.

Dude, Bill Gates out charisma you.

The picture of Bill Gates.

He didn't out charisma.

What he did is

he bought the operating system that was DOS, rebranded it, and then fucking

sold, licensed it to IBM rather than just giving it to them to use on all their machines.

And then when other companies started making IBM clones, like he was able to, you know, which I think was already happening prior to DOS being big, but he was able to license it to all those different companies.

What did DOS stand for?

Dick Sucking Lips.

Nice.

Dick's on Suck Manned.

Like Command.

That's chill.

I watched the fucking Logan movie on the plane.

Logan, yes.

And the Oasis documentary.

And the Oasis documentary was hilarious.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're like such bad boys.

They're like doing hard drugs and stuff, and their music just sounds so gay.

They're just like doing crystal method, like I fucking hate my brother.

Like, yeah, it was so funny.

Those guys are hilarious.

You can all get sucked off in the meadow.

Yeah.

In a shade.

I've only heard Closing Time.

That's the only Oasis.

That's Eagle Eye Cherry.

Oh, no, no, that's not.

Is it?

No, it's not Eagle Eye Cherry.

Who is that?

Buck Cherry.

No, it's not Buck Cherry.

Yeah, it's Buck Cherry.

That's going to be my father-daughter dancing my daughter's wife.

Crazy, crazy bitch.

Who is Closing Time?

Oh,

Fastball?

No, that's The Road.

Tom Petty and the Hardpoint.

Come on, dude.

Closing Time.

No, it's a one-hit wonder.

Tom Petty and the Dick Suckers.

Your knowledge of music,

you listen to what an uncle listens to.

No, I don't.

I don't listen to that shit.

He likes rap.

Oh, yeah.

I listen to rap.

It was Yogati.

Who wrote Closing Time?

That's crazy that none of us know.

Damn.

Yeah.

Turn I Blind.

No.

No.

I don't fucking know.

It's some gay ass band.

Yeah.

I mean, that song sucks.

Yeah.

The fuck is like listening to Closing Time.

It's a gimmick song.

Put on.

He literally wrote it like maybe they'll put this on at closing time.

Yeah.

And we can get those fucking

ass cap fees.

And restaurants play is bullshit.

Fuck the fuck time.

I'm really upset right now.

Yeah, there's like a I'm taking a cab in New York City

and it's you know, please tip your driver.

That's my rock song that I came up with.

Every new begin ending is a

another motherfucker's cock.

That's good.

You know,

I've heard the song maybe.

I know who I want to suck me off.

You know?

Have you ever fucked at closing time, Adam?

Like a Hail Mary, throwing a Hail Mary at closing time from the bar?

From the bar.

No, that's not how I fool girls into having sex with you.

Yeah, I've never fucked off a bar.

Yeah.

Nicholas?

I have once or twice.

Yeah, once or once.

In Austin?

Yeah.

That's the only place you can really do that.

Yeah,

it's got to be somewhere like

Austin.

That's the only only thing in the city.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I guess I don't drink here.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I kind of stopped drinking, too.

Drinking really helps you just kind of like

fill in the gaps that your personality and fucking nerve

fall short at.

Yeah, it is sort of like a stain you can pour over the poorest surface of your psyche and just let it fill in all the gaps.

Yeah, dude.

You're just fucking putting your arm around fucking bitches, grabbing titties and shit.

Yeah, you're becoming

consensually.

Yeah.

You rape.

You got me.

That's the beer assaulting.

No, it's a fun time.

You're getting your dick grabbed by drunk women, which happens to me all the time.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

The only people that have ever been.

Yeah, I feel like

people don't think that you have boundaries.

Right, it's true.

You're like, oh, look how fat he is.

He must be comfortable with his body.

I can just touch him and do whatever I want.

I know.

People, yeah, they touch bald people's heads and shit.

Absolutely.

Imagine doing that to a fat woman.

Just kind of like, oh, oink, oink, goink, go, go, go.

Look how brave you are.

Just on the bus.

How many purple hearts do you have, ma'am?

Do people expect fat men to be happy?

Is that like a...

Oh, everyone wants like a stereotype?

Everyone wants a jolly fat guy.

No one wants a.

It was a struggle, dude.

You don't really see that.

No, I was a moody fat guy.

I was a moody fat boy, but society fucking molded me into a bad thing.

Yeah, but if you can be a moody fat boy, you just have to be like into insane clown posse.

Oh, you shouldn't do that.

Yeah, you have to do like face makeup if you're a moody fat boy boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have a lot of hand gestures.

Absolutely.

A lot of doing.

Or be a wigger.

Be like an angry, fat, white guy wigger.

Yeah.

Yeah, but those guys all think they're hot.

Violent J.

Yeah.

Big J.

Violent Jay Ogerson?

Wow, how did that take us that long?

Violent Jay Ogerson.

That was good.

Someone get that Photoshop going.

Yeah, no,

I definitely went into the fucking job.

Oh, these fucking special effects suck dick.

I've never seen this part.

It's good for like the 80s.

I guess, but it ain't the 80s no more, dude.

I'm not trying to watch George Mike and Play Center.

You know what I'm saying?

What movies that are all about, dude?

I want fucking computer graphics in all my movies.

Blade Royale.

Tree of Life, let's throw it out.

You know what?

Put in the garbage.

This part is all with anime.

What ultra star anime?

Actually, these little lightning bolts are kind of tight.

Yeah, it's cool.

I do fuck with this.

Oh, shit.

Let's watch the guy's face melt.

Yeah, let's see.

Let's do the podcast and say,

all right.

Yo, what older.

This is a good question.

What older movies, like, from the 80s, look good still?

Like, what?

Blade Runner?

Blade Runner.

I was about to say.

Awesome.

Blade Runner still looks good.

I saw the original.

Yeah, Star Wars looks good.

It does.

It does.

The Adventures of Ford Fairline.

Do you guys know that movie?

It's the Andrew Dice Clay movie.

No.

Dude, It's like a fucking Rockabilly Andrew Dice Clay movie.

Wow.

He's a great actor.

Dude, have we talked about the show?

Wait, is there special effects in that movie?

Did you just mention it because it's Dice?

It's a movie.

Because I don't know that movie movie.

It's like the only movie you've seen that me and Adam haven't seen.

I haven't seen it.

It's not because it's an Andrew Dice Clay movie.

I haven't seen it.

I've seen like 30% of it.

I couldn't get a good stream.

Saab, you are a cinephile.

Yeah.

Dropping these Criterion collections.

Let's see.

What have I seen from the 80s?

Do you call it Criterion?

Criterion.

All right.

That's not what you said the first time.

Dude, I know I do.

A League of Their Own.

Is that the 80s?

Yeah.

There's no special effects in the room.

Yeah, they had to Photoshop.

It was all men playing.

They had to photoshop women's faces.

Just men and Rosie.

Yeah, just men and Rosie.

Dude, she's made for software.

Have you seen Riding the Bus with My Sister?

No.

The Rosie O'Donnell movie where she plays a mentally retarded one.

Oh, yeah.

And it's like offensive.

That's awesome.

To me, as somebody that is an advocate for that community, I was like mortified when I saw it.

Yeah, she does this weird voice.

She's like, We're going to the store to buy a new toilet seat.

All retarded people talk like cartoon dogs.

Yeah, yeah.

This is a dog wearing overalls.

We gotta go to the store.

Yeah, it's really bad.

And you watch it and you're like, fuck, this must have been like early in her career, and it's from like 2007.

Oh, yeah.

It's from like way later than that.

It's the post-Rosie O'Donnell show.

It's like much later than you thought it was.

The Rosie Show, bitch.

My favorite.

I love that as a comeback concept for her, that she's going to go tarred.

Yeah.

That was my shit.

That was my post.

That was my after-school viewing, was that fucking Rosie O'Donnell show.

I know you've said seen it.

The koosh balls.

It's so funny.

Fuck you.

You were sad when you found out she was gay.

I was religious as a little kid.

Prayed for her.

Did you want to marry Rosie O'Donnell?

Huh?

I remember being sad when I found out Nathan Lane was gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, oh, no.

But he's such a nice guy.

He's also like the gayest man.

He's the gayest man of all time.

I mean,

half the movies in he's gay as hell.

Right, yeah.

No, is it funny?

It's like a kid, you don't know what gay is, so there's like guys you just think that are like good at entertaining children,

like Tim Curry or Mr.

Rogers or

Barney, the dinosaurs game.

Yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

For sure.

Do you remember that rumor?

The purple teletubby?

That rumor about Steve from Blues Clues that he like raped a kid and they had to get rid of him?

No, he just lost his hair.

No, he had a one-man show for a while.

Yeah.

And he recorded an album.

It's like not true.

But I remember everyone was like, dude, that guy, Steve, from Blues Clues.

But he was on drugs or some shit, right?

No, yeah, that's right.

He became a heroin acting.

And he went bald, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

There's plenty of old movies that look great.

Poor bald movie.

In fact, it's still bad for guys that go bald.

Increasingly shot on digital rather than film.

It looks a lot better.

It's going to look much better because they're going to start doing

better rescans of old film.

The Sting.

The Sting is like one of the best movies.

That fucking movie rules.

Yeah, it's a great movie.

I've seen it, and it rules.

Yeah.

Have not seen Bushcasting the Sundance Kid, though.

Wow.

Well, Sting is good enough.

You know?

Sting in the movie.

The sailor.

The wrestler.

Not the musician.

He's terrible.

He's the worst one of all this.

By far.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are there any other songs?

The police are a really fucking bad band.

Roxanne.

You don't have to suck off my hard dick.

The only good police song is the suck off my hard dick.

The yale yale song.

Yeah.

No, that's that's that's that's Desert Rose.

From the Jaguar commercial.

That was big when I went to Greece and like Desert Rose.

Oh, hell yeah.

When I was a little, I was a little kid, and I went to Greece, and I was bumping that shit, dude.

Riding up winding Greek roads with no fucking, they got no fucking.

We should all move to Greece.

I'm going.

You got a motherfucker should come, dude.

I'm going for a couple weeks in

multiplicity.

I love that movie.

Multiplicity?

I've never seen it.

Michael Keaton as a retard.

He also plays a retard.

No, he's not retarded.

He clones himself.

One of the clones is retarded.

He's retarded.

That's right.

And they set that up in the movie.

They're like, now be careful.

If you clone a clone, it'll be retarded.

And then it's like, I wonder if that's going to happen at some point in this movie.

I think he's one of the all-time coolest guys.

Keaton Rules.

He was a stand-up.

Yeah, he was.

From Pittsburgh.

Because he had a holding deal, and

whoever the fuck he was with wasn't putting him in any movies, so he started doing stand-up, and he was good at it.

And they let him be Batman.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

He's a comic that they're doing.

I love that guy, Batman.

Yeah.

I love him so much.

I'm like the Michael Keaton of the group.

Nah, it's me.

I'm Michael Keaton.

You're like the real Kilmer.

I'm a throne.

You're Val Kilmer.

I'm Michael Keaton.

No, I'm Michael Keaton.

I'm also Val Kilmer.

I would be.

Val Kilmer, I think, is

a fucking special talent.

I think he's a genius.

I think he's amazing.

Are you trolling?

No, I'm serious.

In what sense is he...

I think he's incredible in everything.

Movies.

He's good.

I think he's great in everything.

The Saints.

It's one of the greatest movies in my life.

I love that movie.

I've never seen that.

I've seen that movie.

This guy is like a thief that uses all the different names of the saints as cover identities.

It's a bad movie, but he's

also, those names are the most common names of all time.

My name is Santa Claus.

I don't know where the diamonds are.

You have to get through Matthew, John, Luke, and the other ones.

I think he's a special being touched by God.

I don't know.

Seriously.

I don't know, Chief.

Some guy who said his name was Thomas Aquinas

said he needed to hold the bank's money.

Yeah, dude, he was in Magruber.

He was great in Magruber, which is a slept on

one of the funniest movies of the last 10 years.

Maggruver's funny.

You don't give it enough credit.

Right.

All the movies that those guys have done, I think, are fucking awesome.

I agree.

The Lonely Island guys.

I agree.

Hot Rod was.

Do you guys ever fuck with the website, the Lonely Island website?

Before Andy Sandl.

He was on SNL.

I used to fuck with that shit.

Well, they had a pilot that is now online.

You can see that called Awesome Town.

I remember in college, we'd watch that at a million bars.

I don't remember that.

My name is Yorma, Motherfucker, the sensitive one.

Break your motherfucking face with the butt of my gun.

Yeah.

Rip off your arms and slab you.

Pull out my dick and fuck your ass with them.

Something like that.

I don't know.

I like those guys because they're very much, I feel like, sort of similar to me as like Sandler kids.

They're Jews.

No, no.

People that grew up on Sandler.

You're like, if you were funny.

You don't mean Jews.

They're like, if you were funny, is what you're saying.

Yeah, if I was funny and you had any comedic talent.

Yeah, if I had like good timing

and funny jokes and friends that were supportive of my ideas.

You had two friends that you had a successful creative endeavor.

You're doing with.

What ideas are we supposed to be supportive of?

All of my ideas.

I've named one.

Pitch one.

Alright, let's do this.

This will be a pitch meeting.

Name one idea that isn't just you stealing something from somebody.

Stop that.

You couldn't even get through it.

Stop that.

You stopped that right now.

Go ahead, pitch.

Pitch what?

Pitch.

Pitch an idea.

I don't want to say it on the pod because people are going to take it.

Okay, here's one.

We're all fucking centaurs.

Okay.

Okay.

That's a good idea.

Your horse dies, PETA, comes for your lower half because you're abusing it with your fucking torso.

You go to jail for animal abuse.

I got an idea.

Yeah, and you guys got to break me out.

Yeah.

I got an idea.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm a kid that grew up like super poor, right?

Like one of the poorest kids

in the country.

When you're a janitor or something, and you do a fucking math problem.

Is this what you're going to do?

No.

You're going to take the plot of something else.

Stop.

And his toys come to life when he's not around.

And he goes to college and his toys have to go to life.

Oh, my God.

Can I just pitch my idea?

It's called Toy Story.

Has anyone done that?

What are some other things?

And you've got an old wooden dreidel that's your favorite

cowboy dreidel.

Befriend Dan Deacon and

Tommy.

Maybe he finds himself on adult sign.

Okay, what's your, you're the poorest kid in the world.

I'm the one of the poorest kids in the country.

Uh-huh.

And then

I get to go on who wants to be a millionaire.

Okay.

Oh, so you're literally.

All the questions make me think of stories for my life.

Okay, Slum Dog Millionaire.

We got it.

You're doing exactly what we said.

I've never heard of it.

Didn't you talk about Slum Dog Millionaire last time?

I don't know.

We thought that was a movie about Indians dancing.

They danced in there.

That was a very confusing movie for me.

Hey, yeah, that boogie.

Do you guys remember Punjabi MC?

I don't know if I've seen Slum Dog Millionaire.

I haven't seen it.

Do they blind children in that movie?

No, he's like an untouchable.

What's the Indian movie where they pour boiling water in children's eyes?

Aladdin.

Yeah, there is Aladdin.

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's the movie I saw, and I thought it was Slum Dog Millionaire.

Is that a real movie?

Yeah, dude.

There's like these Indian street kids, and people will snatch them up, and they put them with boiling water and their fucking eyeballs.

Life of Pie?

No.

What other Indian movies are there?

Shit.

Bollywood?

Yeah.

I seriously thought that was Slum Dog Millionaire.

You did?

It's about a call center.

There's a bunch of people that work in a call center and there's Indian kids getting their eyes pulled out.

Nah, that's not it.

Damn.

Maybe that's my own original idea.

It's much better than that.

Hey, now we're doing it.

Now we got it.

It's not original, dude.

That was Brandon's idea, actually.

That's good.

I got one.

Okay.

Hit us.

Okay.

You guys ready for this?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Alright.

There's a...

I play like a New York City cab driver.

Okay.

Right?

Mm-hmm.

I'm just sick of all of you.

Are you foreign?

Are you foreign?

Do you say that?

Thank you very much.

No, I'm like an Italian kind of guy.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm just sick of all.

How about here's a.

It's a

bio paper about Adam's life.

Ernest Borknine blazes Adam.

He goes to jail for raping an eight-year-old Korean girl.

And while in prison, while being violently sodomized as payback,

he befriends a Muslim guy.

And then they try and solve Israel-Palestine from prison

by being gay with each other.

But it turns out the guy was a terrorist all along.

Yeah, and it's the guy from the night of.

Rez.

Rez is on dead.

The problem is that Ernest Borknine has a no-gay sex clause in its contract.

So you get a double.

Yeah.

You get an Ernest Binkley.

If we can't get Borgnine, who do we get to play Adam?

Someone gay.

Oh, he's probably.

He's.

Five o'clock Finkelstein.

Yeah.

Is he alive still?

Five-ish.

Five-ish.

Five-ish Finkelstein.

Five-ish Finkel, I think.

Five-ish Finkel.

Yeah, we get Five-ish.

He could play Adam.

Was he he in the monster?

The monsters?

If someone were to play me, it would probably be the guy, Chris Moltasanti, that guy.

Michael Imperioli.

Michael Imperioli.

No.

Nick was saying, actually, when we were watching

Sopranos the other day, he was saying something incredibly woke, which is like, look at how big Michael Imperioli's nose is.

Why do we have to say that about Jews when there are all types of people with big noses?

No,

when I said,

why is schnaz as

there are schnazas.

This is old school racist.

He was counting Italians as a different race.

What I said literally was Italians are worse than Jews

when it comes to that.

There's nothing woke about that statement at all.

Thank you

for saying I'm not the worst, and I appreciate that.

Also, I don't know.

Pound for pound, nose for nose, I think Jews still

fuck.

It's Italians.

There's a lot of little-nosed Italians, though.

I don't see a lot of little-nosed.

Yes, there are.

There are plenty.

I don't think so.

Yes, there are.

Name one.

I know, like, a bunch.

Name one.

Yeah, but you just go by.

Sarah Goldberg.

Sarah Goldberg.

Yeah.

Rachel

Bergmanstein.

I'm pretty sure that woman who got her face chewed off by that chimpanzee was Jewish.

That's why the nose attracted Italian.

She doesn't even have a nose anymore.

Oh, that's true.

All right, you get her.

I'll give you her.

That counts.

What a dumb story.

What a hilarious, dumb story.

I mean, what the fuck kind of dumb bitch are you?

You're going to fucking bring a chimp into your home?

Dumb, wild animal.

Wasn't it her friend's chimp?

She was friends with the woman who owned the chimp.

I thought it was the woman who owned the chimp.

No, it was.

Either way, you're hanging out with a fucking chimp like

it's your friend and not a wild animal.

I think in popular culture, chimps are presented as nice.

But in real life, they're really mean.

Yeah, they're strong.

They're super strong.

Now, who's unwoke?

Yeah, I'm just saying I don't trust them.

Yeah, very funny.

I'm not saying that as a joke.

Oh, wait.

Wait, we all know who you're talking about.

I get it.

Yeah, I was talking about the animal, but your tone, Adam, is kind of weird, dude.

What do you mean by tone?

We know what you mean.

I was talking about literal chimps, and you

were winking every time you said you.

You keep winking.

I don't understand.

Why is that?

That do-rag on the back on the floor.

Yeah, pointing.

or secret signal.

What I call the silent alarm of racism.

Silent alarm.

Fuck, we should just have a bunch.

Is that racist if you just carry around little artifacts like a little gong, a little dreidel, just point to them when you want to say something racist about them?

I don't know.

Is that racist?

I don't know, guys.

I don't know.

That should be, they should rebrand Lucky Charms as like a racist cereal.

And all the marshmallows should be different.

I love it.

Like, you know, like a fucking little blackface guy.

A swastika.

Yeah, a swastika.

That'd be cool.

For kids.

Well, to learn about heritage.

Yeah.

It's history, baby.

You should also draw a dick on Tony the Tiger.

That's another change I would make if I was General Mills.

To draw a dick as like a graffiti to deface him or can't be.

No, he should have a realistic penis, a flaccid penis, obviously.

And the tip of it is blue.

I'm sure it's on DeviantArt.

It definitely is.

Of course, it is.

I'm sure.

That's the only reason I'm thinking about it.

We've all seen it.

You've seen it.

I've sent it to the chat numerous times.

We've talked about this.

The three of us have talked about it.

When?

There's no joke about it that you can steal.

I read text messages.

And you know what I like the most about the text messages?

The respect.

Now the respect from the podcast carries over to the text messages.

Look, where's your boyfriend, Val Kilmer, on the TV?

I'm a

generation.

The greatest actor of our generation.

I really think

that I'm sorry.

You can't convince me otherwise.

I think he's one of the greatest actors in the world.

He's fine.

No, I disagree.

And he was hot back in the day.

I think he was a man.

He was a beautiful man.

Yeah, he's sexy, but look how incredible looking he is.

That is a movie star right there.

Yeah.

That guy kind of looks like Schneider.

Him and Sebastian Bach, the two.

The most beautiful man.

What was the name of that man?

Skid Row?

Skid Row.

Oh, what was that?

Why?

What?

Who said bang?

Shoot him up.

Yeah.

How's he going to fucking have that name, dude?

Skid Row, dude.

Sebastian Bach.

He's Canadian, isn't he?

I have no idea.

They had a couple good hits.

What was the fucking.

There's the one where it's like.

Amadeus Mozart.

No.

The one with

the kid fucks up.

I don't know.

The narrative is a 18 or a 18 in life.

That's a big one.

That's a good one.

And then they had

slower one of those

power ballots.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't listen to much of that.

I was listening to more of Joan Bazaar.

It sucks.

I don't know why they fucking

hair metal bands dig that shit.

I love that shit, dude.

That music was the worst.

It was like Queensrike.

I never fucked with Queen's Reich.

I like some Molly Crew, though.

Well, it was all because of Priest and Early Molly Crew rules.

No, Judas Priest is good.

No, Maiden and Priest were good, and then everyone tried to rip it off.

Iron Maiden's whatever.

Maiden rules.

Hair metal is a different category.

You're confusing the new wave of British heavy metal with hair metal.

Well, I think that's what the two kinds of labels are.

No, labels are LA shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what movie captures

that scene really well is fucking Airheads.

Do you ever see that movie?

I loved Airheads when I was a kid.

I hate to watch that.

I would watch.

No, not on Comedy Central.

I had a taste from Blockbuster on VHS, and I would fucking watch that movie every single day.

It's incredible.

Boucemis in it, dude.

It's really weird.

I don't remember if it holds up, but I loved it as a child.

And it's really weird that.

Adam Sandler was a family.

It was before Sandler was like a star.

And Brandon Fraser.

It was before Sandler was like.

And Kramer.

Yes,

Kramer is stuck in a van.

He's in the movie.

The whole movie.

The whole movie.

Dude Kramer shit.

Just doing fucking physical comedy, no N-words.

Was he ever...

Did he...

Anything other than Seinfeld?

Did he fucking have a...

Yeah, he had his own show, The Michael Sanders.

I remember that.

That sucked.

But I mean, like, was there...

Because that was a good role for him.

Because he's just doing Kramer's.

Yeah, he was in a couple of other movies.

Yeah, just...

Oh, yeah, he was in in that movie, that Weird Al movie, right?

Uh, UHF.

That's good.

I know I don't fuck with Weird Al's UFC,

but that movie was

off, dude.

Weird Al's tight,

whatever, dude.

I used to love that shit, dude.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

The point is he was mad because of that fat song.

I am mad.

Yeah, you probably loved Weird Al and then that song came out, and you were like,

What?

Come on, man,

Mr.

Yankee.

She doesn't angry.

Write a letter.

First letter I wrote.

Bomb.

You're shoving them all down your mouth.

Didn't Coolio get mad at him about Amish Paradise?

Yeah.

Probably.

He's like, this is a serious song about

gangster paradise.

About gangsters.

Filled with a bunch of warning do-rags on the floor.

Where did that come from?

I don't know.

It's a weird thing.

I just said it.

That's so

racist.

That's such a weird thing to think of.

It is a weird thing to think of.

You should probably remember it and then forget where you were.

You should bring it up in Tupod.

Yes.

Stop it.

Stop it right now.

Stop tarnishing my name.

I can't wait till you say you have cocoa butter on the floor that you can.

Oh, I do.

The character assassination.

Live at the greatest comedy show of all time

on June 20th.

I'm going to wear a fucking shitty Williamsburg bar.

Where is it?

What's it called?

I don't know, dude.

Can you stop it?

No.

Can you stop it?

No, dude.

I'm fucking Negativity Central.

Whatever.

Who gives a shit?

I don't care.

I don't give a shit either.

What the fuck were we just talking about?

I mean, you're supposed to get old and be bitter, right?

Yeah, but you're like 23 years old.

We're not that old.

Oh, by the way, to the point of the HIV positive.

Yo, follow me on Instagram.

I'm shaved off.

Oh, yeah.

Stopped.

I'm a sexy bug.

Stoppy baby, too.

Follow your boy.

I'm out of here.

Oh, then back and

it ain't a gimmick.

It's art.

You know what, man?

The best thing that ever happened

is having that account shut down.

No, I will listen.

We can shit on Adam's dumb things that are going on in his life, but this is

my shit.

At least I'm not trying to be pigeon-holing yourself.

I'm going to be a model, dude.

You're not going to stop me.

I'm going to be a plus-size model.

I'm going to be on fucking magazine.

That was like fat juice.

What if you lose weight?

No.

I can lose weight.

I'll still be weighting.

No, you can't do it anymore if you're like healthy.

Wow, all bodies are beautiful, Adam.

Apparently, not mine.

You guys were shitting on my legs earlier.

All bodies except yours and your body.

I have a very nice tone for you.

And your little ass fucking toothpick legs.

I have nice legs and I just choose to sit gayly with them.

No.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

And it's a choice.

It's a neurological choice.

Like being gay.

What?

Anyway, you are sitting in a hilarious position right now.

And it was presenting his asshole to me.

I remember being a kid and knowing that it was wrong to sit that way.

Yeah.

On your side with your legs folded up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would never be caught dead doing that.

What about this?

That's fine.

Now you look alpha.

That's like

a Moroccan businessman from the lounge.

My friend, please come here to look at me, please.

I used to think when I was a kid.

Yeah,

we have a big pipe to smoke together.

What do they do in Morocco?

I know they don't drink.

They smoke hooks.

They got spicy foods.

They pack mad hooks, dude.

They taste spices.

My friend, please sit here to taste spice.

Please, you come to test spies with me.

Maracas fly on my carpet.

They wear little fezes, dude.

Yeah, they wear

fez.

The home of the fez.

That's where Zidane is from.

Zidane's Moroccan, Zinedine.

Yeah, but he plays for France.

I love how the French soccer team is just really good African dudes from French-speaking African countries.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then people are like, oh, colonialism is bad.

Yeah.

One negative effect.

Yeah.

Zinnadin Sidon.

Patrick Vieira.

See, Don's a fucking.

Now he's managing.

He's fucking.

Yeah, he won the Champions League.

Yeah, dude.

I want to start like a

petition

to get Colonial Williamsburg shut down.

I bet you could do it.

I bet you could fucking get them to shut down Colonial Williamsburg.

Let's try it.

He's starting off of a stink.

Or how about this?

Because it's just as bad as, like, you know, heritage, not hate, right?

Colonialism is bad.

Let's turn Brooklyn Williamsburg into colonial Williamsburg.

I already made that show.

Oh, my God.

When did you?

When?

At the beginning of the show, I did a joke.

Did I?

No.

When?

On the podcast, at one point, I made a joke.

Run the tape about how both of them are sort of colonial Williamsburg.

It's a pretty obvious connection to make.

Oh, now you're shitting on the joke you tried to steal.

How would I steal a joke?

New fucking parasite.

You've stolen from me.

Both of you.

I've never stolen anything from you.

Yes, you've both of you.

Oh, yeah,

we've both tweeted gay political shit to try and get retweeted on purpose.

By the flowers.

By the flower.

That's what we've stolen.

Stav stole that joke to me about

being so fat that I have to pee a lot.

That's my joke.

That's your joke.

Yeah, and Nick stole the joke from me about

Harambe.

About, yeah, Dick's Out for Harambe.

That meme that I started.

Yeah, we started that meme.

Well, we're bringing it back, actually.

We literally should.

That would be hilarious.

Yo, what's up?

Dicks Out for Harambee.

Is it long enough for it to be ironically funny?

No, it's not long enough, which makes it funnier, right?

No, it's too much.

Harambe will never cycle back in because it was like instantly

passed through the not funny anymore phase to it's already going to be ironically funny in perpetuity.

Right, right.

And so, like,

it was, it'll, it never was funny and it never will be funny.

Right, right, right, right, right.

It was funny, but it will be funny.

Yeah, you loved it.

The day it started.

Because it's not funny.

Because it's not funny.

It went, like, immediately to.

But what I'm saying is, it'll be funny in terms of making Brandon mad.

Oh, yeah.

To make fun of Brandon.

And you're confusing me writing a good stand-up bit about a thing that happened.

You have a thing in your act about it.

No, but it's not funny.

I wrote a joke.

I mean, I can write a joke about something that's happening.

It's not a mapping.

It's not me thinking it's just funny that a gorilla is named to Romba.

No, but you thought that the social,

the reaction to it was funny.

That's what everyone was responding to.

No, I wrote a joke about it, too.

I'm a comedian, and that's my job.

Well, okay.

I wonder how much you made from that joke.

$150,000.

Okay, I got staying corrected.

Yeah,

do you even have a fucking account at the comedian store?

That's where me and Nick go, we get paid out for our books when we write them.

Yeah, let's

let's let's just uh let's start listing off clubs that we've worked that we want.

We'll all do it, all three of us.

We're gonna listen to the story.

You want to start at New York?

Yeah, sure.

All right.

Carolines, good club.

New York Comedy Club?

Yeah, that one's good.

You've never performed there, Adam.

Adam, your turn?

I enjoyed performing at the comedy cellar, actually.

Oh, really?

I was at the Village Underground.

Which one were you at?

I was at the main room, the comedy seller, the seller part, actually.

If anyone who listens to the show knows

the people at the comedy seller, feel free to tell them that Adam Friedland is going around telling people he's a past seller comedian.

That's fun.

He's doing it maliciously to sully the name.

Can I tell you about my night last night?

Yeah.

No.

No, no, go ahead.

I went out, got a slice of pizza.

Oh, goof.

We all know where to get

going.

I bought a slice of pizza.

You came out of the subway.

But I only ate half the pizza.

Were your daughters annoying?

They were cunts.

My daughters are being cunts.

What about your ex-wife?

I found this.

My ex-wife's black.

I found this YouTube video.

It was either YouTube or Vine or Twitter or something.

Oh, the German?

Yeah, there's this German guy that was like, yo, here it is.

Where Louis gets the pizza on there, Louie.

Just like videotaping the West Village and screaming.

That's awesome.

That place is the pizza.

Minetta.

What's the place called?

I don't know.

But it's right on the corner.

Yeah, it's right on the corner.

It's like Ben's or some shit.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

They got a good grandma slice.

Yeah, it is good.

They have a fucking sign that says it says like artichoke spicial.

Yes.

Spells special, S-P-I-C-I-A-L.

Yes.

But there is an artichoke by there.

Artichoke pizzas.

Yeah.

Fuck artichoke pizza.

Artichoke choke pizza sucks, dude.

It's not New York style.

It's not creamy.

It isn't, no.

And the bread is all fucking thick.

It's thick.

Yeah.

That's bullshit.

I like a thin crust.

Nice thin crust.

Nice little thin crust.

I like it.

I like a

Chicago-style fork and knife kind of pizza.

What if we open one of those?

Real pie.

A real pie.

You know, though, I will say, Pizza Hut has some doughy-ass, delicious crust.

I agree.

I have a

pizzeria uno.

Yeah, I remember that place.

They have one on like 73rd or something.

There's one in a story, actually.

It's very close to me.

Yeah.

I've only been to a couple of them, but but

I like them.

I'm a fan of pizza.

Do you remember Round Table?

Huh?

Round Table Pizza?

It was like a King Arthur-style pizza.

Isn't that what Herman Kane owned?

No, Godfather.

Godfather, that's right.

Round table.

What does King Arthur style mean?

It was just that it had a kind of a night aesthetic.

What is a pizza place?

Yeah.

Little Caesars.

Fuck his name.

He was just name pizza restaurants.

But $5 hot and ready, pretty good deal.

When I was working at the damn paint store, I would scarf down a couple pizzas.

You know what?

Instead of getting steaks, we should go to Pizza Hut, boys.

No, dude, I'm a paleo warrior.

I want to go to a pizza hut.

I haven't had a good.

You know what?

I order so much good New York pizza that I haven't had a shitty pizza in a long time.

I went to the Papa John's in Chinatown one time and got a large pizza there.

Yeah.

The menu's all in Chinese.

Hell yeah.

It's just sea urchin pizza.

Yeah.

It was great.

I was at New York Comedy Club, again, a comedy club that I perform at.

Where is that?

Where is it?

I just, I don't know.

I'm more into the avant-garde.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Avant-garde performance spaces.

Getting booked spaces.

Getting booked is hack, right?

Yeah.

Is that how you feel?

Well, I think.

I love to be on comedy shows where the people that I consider contemporaries have never actually done stand-up.

I like to be the only not even considered funny people.

I like to be the only non-feminist tweet reader on a show.

I like that.

That's my vibe, guys.

That's my wheelhouse.

But yeah, Alexis Guerreros, you know how he fucking always talks about how he loves pizza and shit.

Yeah.

He claimed he had never.

He first got loves every type of food.

I know, but he claimed he had never seen a Papa John's pizza in his life.

Never seen it.

Never seen one.

And we were just neither of the rest of it.

Shut the fuck up that you've seen it.

Like, that doesn't mean you've eaten it.

Anyway, Robbie slowly just bought it.

I overheard Alexis's book.

One of my favorite things about Alexis is like, I've never once interacted with that guy where food doesn't come up.

Of course, no.

Ever.

Ever.

Absolutely not as well.

He's like a pizza guy.

I love it, though.

I mean, I'm a gourmand myself.

Yeah, it's fine.

He lives on pizza tours.

But he fucking.

There was one time I was standing outside of a club and I heard him talking to somebody else, and he was saying something like,

oh, yeah, and there's this other place, a secret bakery.

bakery that's not open to the public yet

secret bakery

that is that's the highest level of fat guy shit knowing just fucking obese people

licking fucking frosting off each other's fingers

yeah but yeah so Robbie ordered a Papa John's pizza and I had so I had a slice for old time's sake that was my family's pizza of choice growing up was Papa John's and then later Philippo's I didn't discover Papa John's until I was an adult really my My stepsisters loved Domino's.

So they would order from Domino's.

Domino's sucked when we were dominant.

Domino's is the absolute worst.

It still sucks.

It's still a little better.

It's not good, but they would only order Domino's, and then I became an adult and I started ordering Papa John's.

The app is cool.

And

it's the best pizza in the world.

It's a shitty pizza.

Yeah, yeah.

Shitty pizza.

Pizza Hut is the best.

That's a different.

I think I can't get it.

I think that in neighborhoods.

Pizza Hut isn't like a.

Growing up, Pizza Hut was delivery.

No, maybe in Vegas.

In Vegas, not in Maryland either.

I think some places delivered, but it was a rarity to actually see Pizza Hut.

When my family ordered Pizza Hut,

we would get Pizza Hut.

Well, well, well, we get it.

It's also Pizza Hut.

I'm pretty sure Pizza Hut doesn't work like...

We're fucking loaded, dude.

Daddy's pizza, Papa John's, Domino's, fucking.

I've never heard of Gaddy's.

They all operate on the same, like it's you go in the kitchen, it looks identical.

Right, that's the same make line.

Industrial.

Yeah.

And it's like a process to like, once you order order the pizza, it'll be like in the oven in like four and a half minutes.

Yes.

They have like people from corporate that come by.

I was actually working at Domino's when I started doing stand-up and I like one of the first bits I did was about like the corporate inspection process of Domino.

Like they send a fucking woman from Domino's corporate that like literally counts the pepperonis

on the pizza.

How many pepperonis?

On a large one?

On an extra large, I think it's like twenty-five pepperonis or or some shit.

Very nice.

That's quality control.

It's bullshit as a woman.

Who's fucking capital?

My favorite moment in all my time working in pizza was this Indian family that used to call into the dominoes.

And they would order vegetarian pizza.

And they'd be like, and it is very important that the cutter does not use on a meat pizza also.

And so it has to be a different cutter to cut the pizza.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'd be like, oh, yeah, absolutely.

Of course, yeah.

And then just immediately just cut right through that.

Rub pepperoni on it.

Yeah, of course.

Fuck you.

Because it's not an allergy thing.

It's just stupid fucking religion.

Right, right, right.

I think it's the smart religion.

Personally.

I think all religions are beautiful.

Don't touch my PlayStation controller.

Why?

Get your fucking hands off of them.

I'm not touching anything.

Which religion?

Adam's going to come back as a toilet in India.

That's what he's going to be reincarnated as.

Yeah, well.

Big shit-eating toilet.

I want to be reincarnated as me, but with a bigger dick.

That's one of my ideas.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's a badass.

That's a cool cast system.

Exactly the same as me.

Yeah, yeah.

But big-ass dick.

You'll know you're reaching Nirvana when your dick is just like 14 inches long.

Well, Bodhi Dharma's legs fell off because he sat and meditated for so many reasons.

But I think it's because his dick was so big.

So big, dude.

The guy's dick heart cut off the circulation.

Whose legs fell off?

Bodhi Dharma.

Who's that?

The first Zen monk.

Oh.

Dharma from Dharma and Greg's day.

Actually, I've done that joke.

No, you haven't.

I did episode 11.

Yeah, episode 11.

Yeah, if you want to run the tape.

Yeah, I'd love to run the tape.

All right, but if you don't, if we run it back and you didn't do it, we get to break your glasses.

Why do you get to break my glasses?

Can somebody check if

it has a good point?

Check it.

No one is.

Check and see if.

In fact, I almost feel like

you might have stolen a Dharma and Greg joke from one of us.

It feels like you did.

When?

I don't know, but it feels that way.

Did you actually even watch Dharma and Greg?

Because I did.

I did too.

I remember it.

Who was in it?

Dharma and Greg.

It was that guy, Eric something, that played Greg.

What's the name?

What was the woman's name?

Nope, his name's Greg.

Not in real life.

What was the woman's name?

The character's name is Greg.

Jenna Elfman.

All right, all right.

Jenna Elfman.

It's a guy named Greg on the show and a woman named Dharma.

Oh, wow, because I just made that joke.

What joke?

I'm describing the show to you.

He asked me what the people's name was, and I said Dharma and Greg.

And then you, 20 seconds later, No, you said it was a guy named Eric.

You said Staville up here.

No, that's a copy.

Oh, yeah, Stav, back me up.

You 100% said Eric.

He's going to not say Eric.

Oh, because you're the captain.

Because you're the boss, he has to back you up.

Obviously, he's going to back you up.

Nick is a, fuck, what was that?

Stav is a fucking union scab.

Yeah, he would not stand by my side.

You're not in the union.

No, we're not in you can't be in the union and be the boss.

What the fuck are you talking about?

No, we're a union.

You're the boss.

Wait, what was your name?

Pussymouth?

You're our boss.

Pussymouth.

That was your nickname.

Pussymouth?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm big pussymouth.

I'm Candy Lips.

I'm Big Pussy Mouth Bompin' Sarah.

You know what's a great movie?

What?

Joyride.

Yeah.

Oh, with.

Steve Zahn, Paul Walker, and...

I forget who the girl is.

Let's get Paul back under the hood.

Let's get him on the podcast.

It's got a nude Paul Walker in that.

Ooh, front nude?

Fully nude.

You see his cock?

You see his dick going into his own mouth.

His dick is the most SoCal dick I've ever seen.

Yeah.

Is it nice and fine?

He's got a visor on it.

Yeah.

He had a cocklin.

And when he got circumcised, managed.

Cut his voice getting into an upside-down visor.

One of his ball hairs has like beaded hairs.

Yo, cool.

Pakson.

I remember being intimidated by that story when I was a kid.

Me too.

No joke.

I swear to God, I thought it was too cool for me.

Yeah.

I'm not even kidding.

That's exactly how I felt.

I'm like, those were cool kids, girl.

That's so fucking funny.

That's a motherfucking loser.

I swear to God, that's how I felt.

I did not feel ready for fucking Pac Son, dude.

I would just go to Value City and hope there was Billabong there.

Like, discount Billabong in Value City.

Yeah.

I'll get it from

J Max.

I remember I had a quicksilver wallet, and that was like as close as I could get.

Yes, dude.

Hell yes.

I was flying too close to the sun.

Oh, my God.

Dude, it's funny.

Maybe I said I wouldn't change him up

anymore, but I saw Cockfield's wallet one time, and he still uses one of those, like, Velcro TV wallets.

That's hilarious.

Yeah.

They just

rip open.

The like three-fold.

It doesn't have a man's wallet like that.

Like, oh, that's what that is.

That's a big boy's wallet.

That's a fucking.

what do you think of it?

No, mice and smooth.

I want to get a good wallet.

You don't carry cash on me.

You don't carry cash?

Oh, cryptocurrency, dude.

How do you call yourself a man, then?

What do men carry cash?

Yeah, that's what being a man is all about.

Give me your wallet.

No.

Let's see your wallet.

No.

Oh, he brought his purse with him.

No, you can't see it.

You go backpocket?

Yeah.

There's a diva cup in here, some tampons, Roxanne Gay's book.

I don't think it's nice to call her that name.

What?

Is that not her name?

Roxanne.

Put on the red velvet.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, dude.

Stop.

Do you believe in her?

Are you like, do you identify with her fat stuff?

Dude, I'm first and foremost, I'm fat.

Yeah.

Then I'm everything else.

American, Greek, Greek, number one.

No, no.

I'm fat, Christian,

Greek, American,

lover, son.

That's it, dude.

That's the hierarchy.

What about comic?

Comic, comic last.

Yeah,

I appreciate that.

You know, some things are more important.

What's yours?

Consumer, racist,

shorts, Homer Simpson,

laser tag, enthusiast, laser tag, enthusiast.

You know mine?

Yeah.

Number one, Israel.

Number two,

number two, friends of Chappo.

Crypto

friends.

Good friends.

Good friends with Chappo.

Number three, the extension.

Sort of friends with.

Number three, went to DSA meeting one time and paid the membership fee.

Number four,

crypto gay.

Number five, girl version of Eve Piser.

That's not nice.

I know.

That's not nice to me.

It's a double whammy.

I get everybody with that.

It's not a double whammy.

And nobody can get mad at me because then that tells me something about how you feel about gender.

Absolutely.

That's what you call a gotcha.

Operation, what was it from the last one?

Two words with the stone.

You guys don't.

Can I just say my number five?

Sure.

Go ahead.

Latinx.

Oh, man.

Stop.

We got to get this Fila track suit.

Dude, I've been looking online for Fila tracksuits.

I can't find any good ones.

No, I want Velora Fila.

Yeah.

That looks good.

I want the one Pauli has.

Yeah, Adam, don't pretend like you're involved in that.

What are you talking about?

I mean, you don't own it.

It was my idea.

No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was.

Oh, it was my idea.

Me and Stop literally own numerous tracks.

I own a lot of ideas.

Before the podcast we did a bit.

Yeah, dude.

Didn't we do a track suit?

I was stealing money from the truck to buy tracks.

Didn't we do a fake GoFundMe?

Wasn't that one of the biggest?

Yes, we did.

And it wasn't fake.

It was real.

Do we have every intention of buying the...

Guys, find me and Nick's GoFundMe.

Yeah, just to make it.

donate to it.

It's your friend thing that you guys,

with your tracks.

And look, we're not friends.

We're both in the union, and we have to support you.

You're not in the union if you're the boss.

And you give us zero benefits.

Oh, shit.

You trying to strike for fucking dental dudes?

I'm not trying to strike.

I appreciate everything

that Nick does for us.

What a bitch, dude.

No, you're the union scout.

Oh, no.

I'm going to replace you with cheap Chinese labor.

We're going to get an Asian guy named Cheap Chinese Labor.

What do you think about that, Cheap Chinese Labor?

Very good, very good.

Can we try that one?

Can you fill some time, Cheap Chinese Labor?

Okay.

This week, Glenn Greenwald,

he tweeted,

and then he just does whatever you do.

I never talk about Glenn Greenwald on this.

I don't know.

I respect him too much.

Is he the guy who

decided to suck off a kid?

Or is that...

What?

Yeah.

No, that's Alan Dershowitz, dude.

I don't know who Grand Grimmold is.

Well, that's what he's doing in Brazil.

No, he's just legally married to his husband.

No, dude.

He went to Brazil.

He went to Brazil because he's a hero.

You go to...

The kids hit puberty at three down there.

Show my friends all these days.

It was so fucking funny that in British society, like

a while back, boys weren't allowed to wear pants until 15.

Yeah.

They did that in like America, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My favorite is like those old-timey pictures where like

they put like little boys in like dresses and sailor outfits.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, I got one of me in a sailor outfit.

Yeah.

I'm going to share that.

I'm going to find that next time I go to Baltimore.

I'll look cute as hell, dude.

All right.

Well, so what are we doing?

Are we wrapping this up here?

How much time?

I do have a spot.

We're 105.

Oh, nice.

All right.

Well,

don't we have a show coming up, Adam?

Yeah, the

Monday.

Monday.

The 26th.

We have a show at Come On Everybody.

Funny Moms.

The whole squad will be there.

We don't have the lineup yet, but it's going to be good as hell.

And follow me on Instagram, StaviBaby2, S-T-A-V-V-Y-Baby2.

You know, time to fucking bring bodily positivity back.

So thank you for listening to Come Town.

Everybody.

Yeah, we don't have to stall.

for more time.

We're done.

All right, goodbye, everyone.

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