Ep. 55 – Disclaimers

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Okay.

Hello, everybody.

If you're still a listener of the podcast, we had a.

I indulged a little bit with,

you know, reporting on Bill Maher's transgression.

Free speech is what I like to call it.

Look, and I don't know.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

It's okay if you're quoting a white guy that said it

and he fought to make fun of him for doing doing it wrong.

It's satire.

Well, it's not satire, it's journalism.

Reporting.

Maybe you should look up journalism sometimes if you've got a problem with it.

Now, does that mean that I don't enjoy saying it when I have

these moments?

Yeah, it's like a win-win situation.

I'm apprising people to the egregious behavior of Bill Maher, and I get a little something for me on the back end.

Yeah, you're a journalism beat.

A little treat for myself.

It's just one one word.

Call it a little piece of Boston chocolate.

Saying the N-word.

It's like a little Hershey's kiss.

A little Boston-style Hershey's kiss.

Boston's truffle.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Well, so if

you're offended, fuck you.

This is podcasting.

Real-ass podcast.

I live to offend people.

Okay?

That's why I do comedy.

Yeah.

Not to make people people laugh, to make them mad.

Yeah.

That's my thing.

That's why we're

friends.

You actually sort of.

I love describing my comedy as brutally honest.

Oh, yeah, dude.

No holes barred.

My fucking headshots, I got caution tape around my mouth.

I got my piece tape around my dick.

The police are like.

Wow, this guy's jokes are criminal.

They're weapons of mass destraction.

That was

Tom Myers' album.

Yeah.

Words of Mass Destruction.

Words of Mass Destruction.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Hell yeah, dude.

Ooh, the movie.

Insane in the brain.

Mm-hmm.

Actually, two of the tracks on the album were just Cypress Hill.

Cypress Hill let him do that?

Yeah.

He's really good friends with them.

He is?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's actually he is.

It's fucking weird.

That's really strange.

Yeah, I guess they used to come into the 7-Eleven he works at, so they were friends with Cypress Hill.

That's actually how he got on 98 Rock.

Really?

Wait.

For real?

Yeah.

I don't even remember how he all I remember from him 98 Rock is them just trashing him.

Well, no, how it started was Mickey would buy ice cream at the 7-Eleven that Tom worked at.

That's so mean.

Shouts out to Mickey.

Yeah.

And...

Tried to run a string of vape shops.

Did he?

Yeah, it did not go well.

That's hilarious.

Does his brother still own or book?

Manage the factory?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe.

Man, it was so funny when I took a bus down there and

you get off that Chinatown bus and it's at that shitty

motel.

The best Western.

Yeah, and then the motel just says Comedy Fact.

I was asking one of the ladies, I'm like, oh, is it

you just sell tickets for the comedy factory?

She's like, yeah.

And I was like, and then is there like a shuttle to it?

She's like, no, it's right here.

I'm like, oh, they opened a second one?

She's like, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is it.

It's now just in, like, the conference center.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a shame, because, like, the original club was, like, cool as shit.

Well, it was downtown.

It was downtown Baltimore.

It was in fucking Power Plant Lake.

No, the original one.

Oh, the one upstairs of Over Burke.

Burke.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That place was cool.

That was like such a cool-looking room.

Yeah, I never went there.

Yeah.

I only did the one in Power Plant.

The audience was Airy Spears.

Yeah.

But

the vibe of that room was very cool.

Who'd you work with when you were in that?

Do you remember that?

I remember.

I just did the contest.

Oh, right, right, right.

The funniest person in Baltimore contests.

I think a homeless guy came in second that year.

And then they were like, he literally just wandered in off the street.

That's cool.

And then they were like, all right, we're never going to do this.

Well, yeah, your random homeless person is so much better than a bringer open mic contest comedian.

That shit fucking works.

That's how it would work.

It's like, yeah, it was a bringer contest, and uh, but every audience member would choose three people, so everyone would choose their friends, and then second place, they're like, Let's put down the homeless guy.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's funny.

He probably had some bits.

Yeah.

Now, I remember going to see Andrest there.

That was the first show I ever got paid to do.

Was I hosted for

Norman and Andy Andrews?

I don't know Andy Andrews.

He's funny.

He's from Baltimore?

No, he's from

Eugene or

fucking Oregon?

Yeah.

Oh.

Hell yeah.

Oregon.

Shout out to Oregon.

Yeah,

he's from the Pacific Northwest, I guess.

But yeah, that was the first show.

I got paid like $45.

Were you 17?

Yeah, 16 or 17.

I think it was like six months into comedy, so I was probably 17.

Yeah.

Ooh, man, getting paid.

Big boy.

What was your first paid gig?

It was, I went to

this guy, E.J.

Edmonds, ran, he saw me at a bringer.

I thought he thought I was the best at coming.

I did a bringer, and I crushed because it's all your friends.

You know what I mean?

Where are you in Baltimore?

No, at E.J.'s Landing with Irwin, the Greater Wino.

You know what's funny?

It's like EJ's was a place me and this other guy used to just go hang out at after, because I used to run the College Perk Open Mic.

Oh, that call.

I never made it out there.

That was like my room.

It was cool.

Oh, shit.

I took it over from this other guy who, like, coincidentally lives two blocks from here.

What's College Perk?

It's a coffee shop in the world.

It's a coffee shop in College Park.

Yeah, when friends, when Ross and Rachel went to college,

no one knows your life is going to be this gay.

Suck my penis.

Yeah, and

man, this is just turning into like an open mic history of content.

Do you think people can see?

Like a softcore history with Dan Carlin?

Yeah, softcore.

I think

the people that listen to this podcast that are like, you know, pursue comedy at the.

I mean, I guess

to delineate between the open mic level and like a real comic is sort of a bullshit distinction anyways.

But,

you know, I don't know.

I think like, yeah, some people do.

I love it.

Who cares?

You're not fucking talking.

You're saying something.

That's the point of the podcast.

Hell yeah.

We feel a fat ass.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, never mind.

It doesn't go.

People aren't going to connect with this.

I guess we'll sit here in silence.

I wasn't criticizing this.

Where are you trying to make a fight out of nothing?

You piece of shit.

God damn it.

Hey, I'm fired up, dude.

I got it.

It's starting to cold today.

I took a bunch of zinc.

Yeah.

Oh, you took zinc?

Yeah, I always take zinc.

It does nothing.

That's, yeah.

It's worth it.

But it tastes kind of like orange.

Yeah, it does.

But it's like...

It's kind of tasty.

I feel like if there's any possibility of a placebo effect or whatever, I might trick myself into.

You know, I don't know.

That's kind of like that.

Yeah, that's what I do, but I just fucking do that shit with fucking methamphetamines, dude.

That's what I think the Adderall is.

I don't know if Adderall is actually helping me.

I think it might be the fuck.

Because I'm fat as hell and I'm only taking like 10 milligrams or some shit.

Do you take Faterol?

Yeah.

What?

No.

Okay.

I take Adderall.

Yeah, they should make a Faterol to help fat people concentrate on the foods they're trying to eat.

I need no help concentrating on the foods.

If I could stop cotton, Concise.

It's just a freight train screeching to a halt behind you.

Just sucking each individual seed out of a strawberry.

Thank you, Fatterall.

No joke, though.

Adderall is kind of help.

The one thing it has been doing for real is making my appetite go away.

And it just feels like a normal.

I feel normal, dude.

I can just walk past.

You do look like you've lost a little bit of weight.

Yeah, you do.

I'm trying to fucking tone it.

You know, I mean, I've been saying that to you for years.

Well, dude,

Did you find that old picture of us at Benson's ball?

Yeah, you looked at me.

I thought you were.

Dana sent it to me.

Yeah, dude, I didn't realize how fucking fat.

Oh, yeah, you were like morbidly obese.

I was like

315, dude.

Your waddle, your baby waddle.

I know, dude.

It's not as bad anymore.

I think when I first became friends with you, you had a little bit of a...

Dog, I was going side to side.

It was like barely moving forward.

It was like

that sketch that Beck did on SNL with the boss.

Yeah.

I didn't see that.

But I had a, and I still, I had, and I still have the most embarrassing thing about being a bad thing.

You look like you were trying to stop on a snowboard and then walk around.

I was trying to come to a screeching halt on a snowboard.

Just on ice.

I'm on an ice rink with shoes on.

I'm just trying to fucking stay.

Yeah.

Stay put.

I fucking, there's always marbles around me.

The most embarrassing part about being, and especially when I was that fat, was was that I, and it still happens sometimes, but I have to use the same

medicine they do for babies that have diaper rash on my thighs.

Because like, my thighs are so fat.

I don't mean the same medicine, it's just baby powder.

No, it's not baby powder, there's a paste.

There's a paste that you put on babies.

It's a medicine, baby.

It's a medicine.

It's a medicated fucking paste that you rub on your thighs.

Just use baby powder, dude.

Why do you wait till it gets to like medical intervention?

It's more than that, buddy.

I'd

Everybody fucking knows.

This is diaper rash.

I don't chafe, dude.

I got that thigh gap, baby.

You do have a thigh gap.

I'm an Instagram girl.

Do the guys you fuck ever put their cocks between your thigh gap before

you in the ass?

I mean,

I don't consent to it, but if it happens, it happens.

Yeah, dude, AD.

Shouts out to AD ointment, dude.

I love going into the middle.

That's real medical.

It is medical.

Why are you fighting me on this?

Are you sure it's not FAD?

Would it be F-A-D?

Fat, fat,

fat and dumb?

But yeah,

I got those fucking thighs like a baby.

Like rubber band.

You know how babies have fucking fat, their little legs look like they have rubber bags.

They have more of like a stay-puff marshmallow boy.

Oh, I was round.

Yeah, you were around.

My fucking, my gullet.

The point is...

Nick and I, we have, we don't try to say it, but we're both proud of you.

You're looking good.

Thanks, man.

And you're going to keep looking better, my man.

I'm going to keep.

Except I found out I have two fucking tears in my shoulder.

My rotator cuff is torn, and my fucking, there's some other weird tendon.

I went back to my fat doctor, and this guy had clearly just gotten my results the second I went to.

He's a fat doctor?

He's fat as hell.

Or he just sees fat pairs.

No, he's the fat doctor.

Yeah.

Stavko's a fucking old comedian for medical advice

who teaches comedy classes despite having

no career in comedy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, named the fat doctor.

He was this guy in D.C.

that was like,

I actually tutored Martin Lawrence.

Dave Chappelle was under the tutelage of myself,

the Fat Doctor, and then he would go up at Open Mike, sit down on the stool, and like, just bomb.

He was just fucking like.

Because D.C.

is filled with a lot of like older comedians that happen to know Chappelle or whatever.

And their egos can't let them just admit that, like, oh, that was a guy that was better than me.

Right, right, right.

Who is one of the greatest comedians of all time?

And you're going to fucking, oh, yeah, I tutored him because he was younger than you, and you're fucking bitter about it.

Oh, yeah, I knew him.

Just say that.

Say that's cool.

That's a good places.

Yeah.

That would make you a cool guy that people would want to talk to.

Say, yeah, I knew Dave Chappelle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not friends with him still or anything, but it was cool to tell him around.

Tell a story about him being there and being like, he was good at comedy.

I won't respect you unless you're sensei.

Yeah, I think he's a doctor.

Should we teach a comedy course?

Let's do a comedy fucking graduation showcase.

We should have a Patreon level where we

tutor you.

Yeah, we sit down.

Yes, dude.

Hell yeah.

We'll punch your shit up.

For $40 a month,

we do an intensive course.

We'll cover the hard R N-word, soft A N-word.

Props.

Props.

Pulling your cock out.

I'm just going to independently start saying that I tutored Rory Scovel and

all the people I started with that are doing very well.

You're too young, baby.

I tutored Jermaine Fowler.

That's good.

Jermaine works.

Yeah.

Although he's the same age, I think.

He's older.

He's a little older.

Yeah, and you're also doing good, bud.

I don't do stand-up anymore.

Yeah, Nick quit.

He's trying to phase the podcast out.

I'm like a

show.

I'm an electronics guy now.

I'm in buying one of the.

I'm a gamer.

I fucking love electronics.

I wear Gold's Gym shirts to the gym and get compliments from the most jacked dude there.

That happened today.

Did I tell you that?

Yeah, he did.

That was the most genuine smile I've seen in months.

Well, it was so funny.

It's a very terrible shape now.

And this dude, like, does a beeline across the gym to be like, yeah,

Hollywood, Florida, or Hollywood, Los Angeles?

Just to, you know, conversation.

Sure.

So you can either be strong or you can just wear the shirt.

Wear a Gold's Gym shirt.

Yeah.

I think that is a certain type of fat fat guy, too, who rolls around with a fucking weight belt.

Like the belts that you wear when you're supposed to.

What are those pants called?

No, that's not a type of guy.

Yes, it is.

I never see a

fat guy who has all the gear, who has that, like, the lifting belt.

But around town?

What do you mean at the gym?

With like fucking too many gloves.

At the gym, he means.

At the gym, but also.

What are those pants called?

They're like pajama pants.

They're like Simbad kind of pants.

Not Zubas.

Zubas.

Not the.

Zubaz.

That's what they are.

They don't have that.

They were

NFL sort of cross-branding.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like New York Jet Zubaz pants.

And you could clearly see your dick.

Yeah.

That's cool.

You can clearly see their dick.

No, my favorite look at the gym is

the bowling ball-shaped guy, the aggressively balding, you know, but he's got like hair under his ears.

He's just fucking.

I know, dude.

That's the funniest baldness.

He's got hair everywhere.

Right.

Yeah.

Beard up to his fucking like lower eyelids

just completely fucking bald veiny forehead uh five foot three

375 pounds you can't really tell oh that was fucking andy klein had the funniest Mike Diesel story one time is that diesel comes into Wise Acres and he tells Andy yeah I've been working out I'm actually

I'm actually down to 0.04% body fat.

Yes, I know this story.

And Andy's just like, I can see you, dude.

You're not.

Like, I am looking at you.

You're fat as shit.

0.04%

body fat.

Which is like, that's a dead body.

Exactly.

It's a victim from Auschwitz.

Yeah, Ray Lewis in his prime was 8% body fat.

Oh, fuck.

Anyhow, yeah, no, that look where the bowling ball kind of stocky guy,

maybe wife beaters, sometimes a polo shirt, and then like

cargo shorts,

and then the Tims with no laces.

100%.

And then tongues out.

Yeah, tongues out, doing squats.

Or just doing a lot of rows with horrible form.

Those guys, just pulling their whole body back and forth.

Yeah.

I'm Jack.

I use perfect form.

Do you make noise, Nick, when you lift?

No, I never make noise.

I'm not doing anything.

I'm a scream.

I'm silent.

I have no sense

with no noise.

What I do is I make the same lifter in a scream car.

I would be so good in the wild.

Because you're stealthy?

I'm stealthy.

I got no.

I got no.

I don't make noise.

I have no discernible scent.

Yeah.

You have no real loyalty.

I have no real loyalty to anybody or anything.

It's true.

Yeah, yeah.

Your emotions won't get in the way in the wild.

If you speak Chinese,

which is the native language of the beast.

I'll just summon falcons.

when I'm at the gym I make the noises that female porn stars make so I'll just be like yeah fuck yeah

yeah that's my that's my shit I'm like

yeah

I like to go there and then in the squat rack

do like aerobic exercises where the tightest clothes possible

like a gay guy would absolutely and then you count reps but you do do it in Spanish with an American accent.

So you go, Uno, dose, stripes, puatro, cinco, sinks.

And that's the best way to work out.

You got to sneak in some homophobia, you know.

You're making fun for yourself when you're working out.

Prove I'm not gay.

You can't do it.

I'm not doing it in impression.

Oh, man.

I like getting the gallon water.

That's how people know I mean

go with a gallon water jug and just squat the bar, you know?

Yes.

Not me.

Kudos.

Dose.

Trace.

Quattro.

Como sta.

Couturese.

What is that?

Couture.

14?

14

in French?

Yeah, there's that song.

There's a song.

Uno, dose, trace.

Coutource.

It's you two.

It's you two.

That's it.

So from that fucking off.

That was that album.

The iPod album.

iPod album.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, hello.

You guys are like Maddox?

I'm gay and I want to fucking

talk.

Oh, the yes, yes.

Yeah, Maddox had an article when that album came out that was like the 11 worst songs of like 2007 or whatever it was.

And then the first one's like something by YouTube.

And then the second one's by YouTube.

And then you just realize it's the trackless game.

Is that the guy that's...

I hope that they give you a lot of money.

No, it's definitely not.

But

Maddox published or promoted Tucker Max.

Oh, it's the same shit, though.

Yeah.

No, Maddox.

Maddox is funny, dude.

Maddox is highly influential in terms of

writing.

For sure.

There's guys that

people now would shit on of being South Parkian or sort of that.

Because it is the same thing.

South Park is good.

South Park is good, but there's still plenty of people.

People would come after me online sometimes and be like, wow, I bet this guy thinks South Park is funny.

It is.

I'm like, yeah, I do.

They're really good shows.

What the fuck do you think is funny?

Yeah.

But yeah, I get like people.

The Mindy Project.

People won't say Maddox is funny now.

Really?

Yeah.

That's what's annoying.

Because what you just said, oh, it's all the kind of the same shit that Tucker Max stopped.

Which it's like not.

I just thought you were talking about Tucker Max.

Well, Tucker Max is funny, dude.

What was his thing?

He talked about like

he treated women bad.

And he told stories about it.

He was a terrible writer.

Yeah, it wasn't good.

He was like 11th grade, yeah.

I remember reading it in high school, and like, I wasn't like offended by it, but it was like, this is just bad writing, it's not funny.

It's like,

like, I'm 13, and this doesn't impress me.

Exactly.

Like, had set, you screw up from eating too much sushi one time.

Yeah, it's like a weird uncle that wants to convince you he fucked a lot.

Exactly.

One time he told a story about how he fucked some girl in the ass and she shit on his dick, and it's like, Yeah, she shit on his bed.

Yeah, which is part of like fucking in the ass.

Yeah, dude.

Shit on your dick.

Yeah, absolutely.

Fucking in the shit place.

Playing in the mud with the hogs.

You feel me about it.

I eat ass.

Let that be on the record.

That you eat ass?

I'll eat ass.

Oh, I'm fully on board these days.

I'm taking swipes of ass.

I'm eating pussy from the back.

I'll tell you that much.

Yeah, but Tucker Max is like a popular guy for people to be like, oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, but he is terrible.

I forget the name of the, like, back when they used to have web rings, but it was like Maddox and Tucker Max and then

some anonymous person that had a website called Tard Blog, and they were a special education teacher that would document

things that happened in their classroom.

That rules.

Tard Blog.

Jesus Christ.

Holy shit, those fucking poor retarded kids are just trying to learn.

Well, but here's the thing.

And this is why, this is what annoys me about people: is like people be like, that's fucking evil.

And it's like, no, it's like a cathartic release for somebody that has this thankless shit job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they do more for retarded people than you ever will.

So just, it's like me reporting on Bill Mars.

Of course, you're a hero.

I'm doing a service for the community.

And I get a little something out of it.

Absolutely.

So if you.

It's hard.

When a doctor saves a baby's life, it's hard, but it feels good.

You know what?

Being retarded, that's the real hard R.

I agree.

I think if it.

That's the real.

It's because it's an R.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think if a doctor.

Oh, it's hard to do.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If a doctor saves a baby,

he technically should be allowed to call that baby the N-word.

Absolutely.

Right?

100%.

Okay.

Oh, God, my story.

Yeah, that's how Ben Carson got his start.

Those conjoined twins,

he separated them, and he called them both the N-word a bunch.

I was reading his book, and there is one.

He told this one story about how he

was like, it was supposed to be to show what a good, funny guy he was.

And it was like, some guy tried to make fun of me, but I got after him.

He told me, that shirt's so old,

it looks like it was from the Civil War.

And I said, yeah, and your mama wore it.

And then it was like, and then he just painted a picture where everyone's high-fiving him.

Sorry, not a retarded guy.

Sorry, Carson.

Ben Carson's brain surgery.

I went to blow my nose.

Yeah, yeah.

We're talking about brain surgery now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ben Carson's book, The Audacity of Brain Surgery.

That's crazy.

Do you remember when Trump went in on him in Iowa about stabbing his friend?

That was one of my favorite Trump speeches.

And also, what else did he?

He also

said he might have been a pedophile or something?

Yeah, yeah.

He called him a child molester.

He called him a child molester.

And now they're friends.

Now he works for him.

I mean, I call you guys child molesters all the time.

Well, Adam does fuck children.

Yeah, you do have sex with children.

I do.

You have sex with Korean women, which is a type of children.

Well, I'm going to let you present that as your opinion.

That is not my opinion.

It's the opinion of the court.

So you're not

going to discover that.

I told this whole court.

That shit's badass.

You have to call the judge the court.

Yeah, that's cool.

It's the court's opinion.

It's the court, yeah.

It's the courtroom.

Hell yeah, dude.

I'm the whole room.

Well, he's the court.

No, but

that's you on that chair.

Does that mean you're the state?

Yeah.

Does that mean you fuck him, though?

Because if you're inside, if your dick is technically in the court.

Yeah, but the court is in the state.

Are all judges gay and getting fucked?

What?

And which isn't a bad thing.

I'm just saying, is that how

we just follow the logic?

We were on our initial plans of going to law school, you and me.

I was in Mock Trial, baby.

I didn't know I was in motherfucking mock trials.

I wish I ever had aspirations.

I didn't have aspirations.

No, our parents forced us to be able to do it.

Our parents were immigrants and they wanted us to be rich.

Yeah.

You had aspirations.

I have ass fuck rations.

I had aspirations when I was very naive and young.

After 18, I stopped having aspirations.

My true love.

But then true love.

I still aspire to that.

Yeah.

Well,

you have a girlfriend now.

I can't talk about it on the show.

It's too important.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I wanted to bring up.

It's a TARD blog.

One of the stories.

I used to have the section where people could write in

their own retarded kids' stories to tell.

And there was one, there was one that was so funny to me.

And I found it, you know, oh man, this is great.

I'll tell the story and I'll tell you what I did with it afterwards.

Okay, great.

So the story was like, if somebody was in seventh grade and they like had

like a police officer come in to like the class to talk about like molestation or whatever.

They played like a video that was like, you know, like if somebody touches you in an inappropriate way or whatever,

and they're all watching the video, and everyone's just bored.

Yeah, there's not enough breakfast.

And then the video ends, and they're like, okay, thanks, guys, if you have any questions.

And then there's a retarded kid in the class who's like older than everyone else.

Like, he's just this bigger, retarded kid, you know.

And he just blurts out, Next door, Jimmy made me suck his dick.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck this.

Whoa.

And they had to, like, take him out of the classroom.

Holy shit.

And then, like.

Dude, to know the phrase, suck his dick, and then also get molested is strange.

Yeah.

Well, and then

the story turns out that next door Jimmy was another retarded kid that was older than him

that had been watching like unscrambled cable forum

and like acted out the scenes on this other disabled kid or whatever.

I'm sure this story's bullshit.

You know, somebody who's made it up.

Yeah, if it was just, wait, you read this on

the fun tard blog,

which I assume is an acronym.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right, for teaching and respecting the disabled.

Yeah.

Very well done.

Very well done.

That was great.

That was very good.

I'm a professional comedian.

But no, so I thought that was the funniest shit in the world.

That's unworthy.

When I was like 13, oh my god.

There's already kids sucking each other's dance.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I had Jim Gaffigan's AOL Instant Messenger screen name.

I don't know how I got it.

I found his personal email and then added him on AIM and sign on sometimes.

And I sent it to Jim Gaffigan, who was like my favorite comedian when I was 13.

I'm like, Jim, I love you.

This is the funniest thing I've ever read.

Oh, shit.

And he just you know, he responds.

He's like, I'm not offended, but I have to go.

No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he blocked me.

I'm like, I never signed out again.

Ever again.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah.

He responded.

Yeah, he's like, I'm not offended, but I have to go.

So you've had a conversation.

Have you met him since?

I know this story, man.

That's amazing.

It's incredible.

That's an incredible story.

It is funny.

The very early days of the internet, like,

people were fucking available if you just got like the right, I mean, you get their emails.

It was way easier.

Yeah, I wasn't like, I didn't care enough, but I had a friend that could just hack real easily.

Yeah, it used to be real easy to face websites.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, because everything was built on like shitty content management software that was like free.

So, and like most websites had, like, check out our forum, right, right.

And like, forum software was there was always a way to, you know, yeah, like either a cross-site scripting vulnerability.

Do you guys remember?

This isn't hacking at all, but do you guys remember WhiteHouse.com?

Yeah, I do.

You know what I was in school?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, I was trying to learn.

It's a math class.

That shit ruled, man.

Yeah, that was an early one.

I beat off to whitehouse.com.

Yeah.

It was like a fucking, some kind of Middle Eastern lady with big titties and like brown nips.

I still remember the image.

I still remember trying to download this.

picture of a naked girl off Kazakh.

Dude,

I would download the still from Swordfish.

Yes.

and I would download it and then delete it and then download it again every day.

And it dial up.

So it would be like that would sit there.

It would take like six hours.

That's monkey, dude.

Yeah.

That's like monkeys

picture.

So it was like 20 minutes.

I remember it took forever to download this picture.

And then I clicked on it and it was a transsexual woman and she had a penis.

I threw it in the recycle bin.

My dad found the next day.

And we had to

looking for his

did you steal my picture i think that went

i think that went that started about four years of him thinking you're gay yeah for sure my mom i think i told this story my mom uh found i went on crack whores.com

you know i'm young i'm exploring um wasn't my favorite site but there was one video where one of the crack whores had big titties

uh although most of them were horrible but i didn't know my mom had never used a computer People of crack.

POCs.

It's a different POC.

Switching to the city.

These were actually like crack-addicted street people.

Yes.

Yes.

And I gave it away.

It would be a cool aesthetic.

But they were not good pornography.

Crackadilly.

Crackadilly?

Like crackabilly?

Crackabilly.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like Rockabilly, but you're addicted to crack cocaine.

That's good.

Yeah.

It's just, yeah.

All those people just look more gaunt.

Yeah.

Suck your dick for some fucking creepers.

Are creepers the shoes?

Those weird shoes.

Yeah.

They look like orthopedic shoes.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel like they drink Shirley Temples.

But they call them Red Rangers.

She's from the 50s.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah.

I mean, Robin's

a dumb way to look.

I know.

You got to be a complete fucking asshole to be like, yeah, I'm a.

I mean, the haircuts now are like half-repeat.

West Coast Latinos were kind of into that aesthetic and kind of still might be a little bit into it.

You haven't been to the West Coast for a while.

All of South Austin was like rockabilly guys.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a very Austin look, too.

Yeah, but it's specifically South Austin.

Like, South Austin is.

Really, is it Mexican people?

No, it's just.

White people?

No, South Austin was like the cool part of Austin 15 years ago.

Yeah.

And now East Austin is and has been for the last like 10 years.

Who knows, dude?

Maybe you've lost touch, though.

What's that?

Maybe you've lost touch.

Maybe now West Austin is touching.

No, I think it's just moving further east.

West Austin is like expensive.

Oh, gotcha.

It's like an apartment in certain parts of West Austin will cost you like $5 million.

To buy?

To buy, yeah.

$5 million in Austin?

Yeah, to rent,

$5 million a month.

Wow.

I don't know.

If you were being like hyperbolic.

No.

You mean it literally would give you a lot of apartments in Austin?

Yeah, because I mean, it has like a tech industry.

Facebook's down there now.

Yeah, West.

West West, yeah, West Boston, like bee caves and shit.

There's a lot of

money, yeah.

I I delivered pizza over in those neighborhoods, and it fucking sucked because it was like a huge delivery area.

Because like, you know, it's like giant houses, so our delivery area was like nine miles.

Right, right, right, right.

You have to drive like

a 45-minute round trip for a $3 tip.

God, fuck that.

That sucks.

Fuck the rich, huh?

Well, no, fuck Papa John's for zoning its fucking restaurants like that.

That's true, but they could have hit you up a little more, a couple more times.

In fact,

the rich would probably just stop ordering for Papa Johns if it takes that long to get their fucking pizza.

I read an article.

I'm giving you another dollar.

I've been talking about Pussy Posse a lot recently.

Yeah.

Had I read an article on you, Pussy Posse?

My favorite is

women on Twitter mad about the Pussy Posse.

Well, it's something from 1996.

Well, I know, but I've found

the people mad about it are like the ones that had an Orlando Bloom poster in their fat bedroom.

Well, yeah, because

they're like, How dare they have sex with attractive women?

It's basically like slut-shaming, is the problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the same thing that the fucking nice guys do, and they're like,

that bitch just dates assholes.

Right, right, right.

How dare that man fuck hot young women instead of me?

Well, I was incredibly

goes to the library.

That's the burn.

A big library girl.

I'm so much more rewarding emotionally because I fucking I watch Firefly.

What is that?

That's like a nineties

sci-fi thing?

Oh, Josh.

Yeah, everyone says it's good, but I've never seen it.

I'm not

talking about Rich Voss Whedon?

Nice.

It's Buffy, the Puerto Rican Slayer.

There we go.

It's

the Buffet Molester.

The Buffet.

I love that.

Voss calls Vampiva Buffet Molesters.

That's the fun.

Is it Molesting?

Rich Voss.

Shut out.

It's Buffy, but then he can't become a vampire because his teeth are all fake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's him trying to bite people.

Yes.

But his lisp gets in the way, his weird lisp gets in the way.

There we go.

Someone do a Vosh.

A Vosh impression.

There we go.

Done and done.

That's not, you know, so many people have like a perfect Voss.

I know.

Because he's, you know, he's always around.

He's been, he's on radio so much.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

There's a lot of people, people can approximate, but there's a lot of people that have like a flawless, rich Voss.

you know.

Like, everybody can kind of do, like, everybody has like a Joe Mackey that's just like, oh, yeah, doing this, oh, yeah, but that's just Mickey Mouse, it's not actually.

Mateo's is good.

Who?

Mateo's Mackey is good.

Matteo's a very great impressionist.

He also speaks like six languages.

Yeah.

So, yeah, and he's in great shape physically.

He's a very incredible, physically cute boy.

Yeah, he's like doing an impression of a more attractive person by being in shape.

But,

but, yeah, Voss, I feel like there's it's it's either, you know, you nail it or...

Or you just do this.

Yeah, that sounds terrible.

Yeah, I know.

I'm just.

You know.

A lot of people have shitty Normans, too.

Yeah, they just do this.

Yeah, that's terrible.

Yeah.

No, but I'm making fun of them.

It's like you saying the N-word.

Yeah.

I'm not doing it really.

You're right.

Thank you.

That's fair.

Thank you, Nicholas.

Man,

I want to play Twisted Metal again.

Yo, yeah.

My favorite part of that game is the clown.

He like

clown.

He got raped in the army, so he became an ice cream truck drummer.

His story is that, like, he has to do a mission to

stop

his head being on fire because his head is on fire for eternity.

Yeah, half of them were like,

I remember the backstories.

I remember the more from Twisted Metal Black, which sucked.

That game was terrible.

I I don't know.

I don't remember.

But they had, like, that was like,

that was like the first game I remember with

well-done cutscenes or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's the one I'm thinking of, too.

Like DVD quality.

Yeah.

And it was like goth and like fucking like, it wasn't like fun.

It wasn't that good.

Yeah.

Like, wow, it's a crazy clown.

It was like, they had that Rolling Stones song playing.

Yes, this is exactly what I'm thinking of.

And then, so his story is, yes, his story is he has to do some crazy shit so he can stop having his head be on fire for eternity and he can be free.

And then the lady who tells, finally, he gets free and the lady's like, okay, oh, there's only one stipulation.

You can't kill anyone ever again.

And then he's like, fuck that.

And he kills her.

And then his head goes back on fire immediately.

Yeah.

That's what a fucking badass that is.

Yeah, they're all in an insane aside.

I remember renting that game and playing it and just being like, this is just depressing.

Yeah, it was weird and fucked up.

It was like a story mode.

It wasn't just like fighting.

No.

I remember Twisted Metal as like just being, you just fight other cars.

You would, but they would have, in the original one, they would just have like a blah, blah, blah, you know, like on the screen, it would tell you the story of like...

Oh.

I never played the story mode, I guess.

So what you're saying is you don't know how to read.

I can read, dude.

I've read

books.

Yeah.

Read this.

What does that say?

Read my lips, dude.

What does it say?

You tell us.

No, you can read.

Read between the lines.

If you can read, what are we saying to you?

You're You're putting your middle finger up in there.

Ah, bitch.

That's out of words.

God is ass.

Yeah, you fucking, you walked right into that one.

I wanted to talk about pussy posse.

You walked right into that one, buddy.

Let's talk about the pussy posse.

We're the new possession.

I just thought of funny.

We're the new pussy posse.

Basically, yeah, that's our goal now: is that Nick and I got these really expensive hats in Williamsburg, and we're planning on becoming pussy posse-type.

I'm also in the vote, new pussy posse, Stop's definitely, you're definitely in the pussy posse, bro.

Thank you.

Who else is in our new pussy posse?

The thing is, the lineup of the original pussy posse was very funny to me because I didn't know.

I just thought, I just knew that it was Leonardo DiCaprio.

Leo.

And his first.

And we're starting off hot.

Leo, of course, Leo, the hottest star in the world.

Titanic.

Yes.

You know?

Yes.

New York City.

How about this?

How about Leonardo DiCapriz Leono?

It's not.

Imagine how fucking good at acting he would be.

He's not Italian enough.

Leonardo DiGabrio.

Why don't we put a little

two at the top of the enemy's name?

Be proud of your heritage.

So that makes sense.

Heritage Agia.

Number two.

Heritage.

Number two is.

Heritage.

Number two.

Heritagiano.

What's number two, Adam?

He's just going to say it.

Just Heritage, yeah.

All right, go ahead.

Definitely won't.

Number two, what is number two?

Number two.

Number two is Toby McGuire.

Makes sense.

Uh-huh.

You know, he was a star back.

Yeah, how about Tony DeGuire's of Jaguar?

Tony Dinarino.

Tony DeGuarino.

Tony DeGuay, yeah, Justin Guarini.

Something like that.

I don't know.

I don't like his skin tone.

Yeah, who is this guy?

I like it barely.

just saying straight up.

Literally, if you had said, I don't like that he's black, that's more

less than that.

That bothers me.

I don't really like his skin tone.

Yeah, are you sure it was Toby Maguire?

I thought it was Toeforgrace.

Toby Maguire.

Okay.

It was Tofor Grace's character in traffic.

Oh, hell yeah.

That was a good one.

He was the rich kid?

The rich kid that read Arrow it all day.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I never saw traffic.

I always confuse it with Crash, the worst movie on Earth.

Crash isn't the worst movie.

It sucks.

It shouldn't have gotten it off.

I thought it was going to be good as hell because I rented from Blockbuster a few times.

I thought that Persian lady was so hot.

That's the only thing I remember about that movie.

I don't remember her.

Which Persian lady?

Isn't Sandra Bullock?

No, no.

Isn't George in the Jungle in that shit?

The Doctor one.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just remember Matt Dylan was a cop who like fingered ladies and beat up black people, but it was okay because his dad had a tough time peeing.

He was like taking care of his dad who couldn't pee good.

That's also the plot of Green Mile,

which is a very similar movie to Crash.

I tell you that, like,

even if you're a racist, you might be doing something nice for your dad who can't pee good.

Yeah, he felt like...

My favorite part about the Green Mile is you're supposed to feel bad that they're killing John Coffey because he's magical, not because he's innocent.

They're like, well, we know he's magic, but we gotta kill him anyway.

What kind of magic can he do?

He blows flies into people's mouths.

Oh, what the fuck?

Did you not see the green mile?

I haven't seen the green mile.

You've been wrong.

Oh, my God, dude.

I haven't, dude.

Wouldn't you like.

You've just seen Toy Story like a hundred times.

I've seen Toy Story three times.

Okay.

The doctor's office.

Did you cry at all of them?

At the third one?

When you played with Andy one last time?

Is that when you cry?

She was sad, dude.

Why did everyone cry at that?

I almost cried when they were about to get got.

Yeah, no, I by the third one it was weird.

It's like, why is this

nineteen-year-old kid like playing with the dog?

No, man, that shit was sad.

Fuck you.

Everyone, I know, I remember.

The sequel is gonna be like the toys go to college and they meet Andy's new friend, C D's filled with child boy.

They're like, We don't, Andy doesn't need you anymore.

He's got us

My buzz, what are we going to do about

these meat CDs filled with child pornography that Andy jacks off to all the time?

Oh, fuck.

He just got him on the end of a fishing line and he's fucking bringing little children back into his dorm.

They're only used as bait ore to literally go into his ass.

Anyway, what else have I seen?

I don't know, man.

My parents didn't like this culture.

I never saw this.

I did show you, like, fucked up Greek Sesame Street.

Actually, I guess I saw mob movies with my mom.

She liked mob movies.

What?

Yeah, she fucked with a godfather and shit.

Oh, that's cool.

But my dad, I would just watch like dubbed over,

like, poorly dubbed over

Disney movies, but in Greek.

In Greek.

And there was also a dubbed over French cartoon called Lucky Luke.

They called Lukey Luke and that shit was racist as hell.

Have you guys ever fucking seen that shit?

Of course I've seen it, dude.

You have?

I've seen every racist cartoon.

Dude, the Chinese characters and that shit rule.

No, I actually have no idea what you're talking about.

Dude, look up Lucky Luke, the Chinese characters.

It's a French thing?

It's French,

but it's about the old West.

So all the Chinese characters, like, oh, Lukey Luke.

And they just fucking have big-ass buck teeth.

They have those fucking weird little triangle hats.

It's pretty good.

Also, aesthetics.

Madeline.

Aesthériques and Oveliques.

What's that?

That shit was cool.

It's about some fucking semi-magical motherfuckers.

There's a fat guy who's strong as shit and a little guy who I think has some kind of super strength as well.

You know, you and you two guys together kind of remind me of

the bullies from Power Rangers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What were their names?

Like Bulk and Skulk.

Skull or something?

Bulk and Skull.

They were bullies in Power Rangers?

Well, yeah.

Well, there was a fat guy and a small guy.

I remember that.

They were the bullies.

They were the bullies.

They were the bullies of the school, but they were like loser bullies.

Yeah, Power Rangers were high schoolers.

I remember that.

Yeah.

And I remember Rita, Rita Rapulsa, or whatever the fuck her name is.

My dad

told me.

Yo, you ever realize how the fucking main dude's like a bong dude?

He's like a fucking, he's a bong with a face in it.

Yeah.

Sword on?

That's sick.

That's so funny.

Isn't that funny?

How about you?

I knew so many guys.

It was shitty house parties that would tell people stuff like that.

Hell yeah, dude.

What is it with people that think that kind of thing is cool?

I don't know.

It is cool.

It's a great observation.

Did I tell that story?

Did I tell that story about that guy?

That guy, John.

That guy, John, one time.

We were drinking in front of me and one of my friends when I was maybe 17.

We were hanging out in front of this girl, Maria's parents' house.

And Maria was like 15.

Nice.

She was dating, and Maria Maria sucked.

But I was hanging out with another friend, but 15 though.

She was 15 and she was dating this guy John who was like 23 at the time

and living in like his like Pontiac sun fire in her driveway.

No.

And yes, I can only wait in her driveway.

Yeah, he just wouldn't let her in the house.

Yeah, he wouldn't let this fucking scum back.

But they let him in the driveway?

I don't know.

Yeah, anyway, anyway.

So

he's getting fucking trashed and

he just says the dumbest shit.

And I mean, like, I get trashed and say dumb shit.

That's what you do.

You get drunk and you say stupid things.

Yeah, you used to be very nice when you were drunk.

Yeah, but I, you know, I would say dumb shit.

Sure.

I'm not saying it would be mean.

He wasn't like talking shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And one time this guy goes, uh,

uh, well, the girl, the girl goes, uh, tell him about the midget, baby.

Oh, hell yeah.

Tell him about the midget.

And, you know, he's like, all right, here's a story.

He's got this bottle of Wild Irish Rose.

So it's clearly a signature anecdote of his.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, well, it's like a midget, and he's trying to get on the bus, and you step over him, and then you just start pissing all over his head.

And then we were like, this is something you

did that to somebody?

And he's like, no, I was just saying that would be like a funny thing if that happened.

What?

We're like, do you not understand what?

Oh my god.

Jeez, this is just a fictional thing you came up with.

He's a comedy writer.

He's pitching that to me.

Did you just say a thing that you thought what if this happened

and what it is is just pissing on a midget's head that was it tell him about well i just love that she said it up tell him about it baby yeah the fucking midget tell him about the midget famous midget you know she laughed hard uh yeah he was giving my friend matt a ride home that night and matt hated him and matt was in the passenger seat and john was like checking him or whatever because they were both trashed and john's driving drunk and i i don't know the exact details, but John said something to the effect of, like,

you realize your life is in my hands right now, or whatever, because he was driving, you know, and Matt just takes the steering wheel and fucking jerks it down and crashes the totals John's car.

He's like, Holy shit, he's like, whose life is it?

Who's this?

Destroyed, totals the kids' car, and then it has to just like fucking walk home with glass in his eye.

That fucking rules.

He had to go pick him up in in the morning.

Yeah, that guy was crazy.

He was insane, right?

Must be insane.

You know what's funny?

He was like the nicest guy in the world, but had no problem.

He was just always in jail for breaking and entering.

Oh, yes, yes.

He was

honestly one of the most giving, caring people that I've ever known, but he just loved stealing and had no regard for the law whatsoever.

That's cool.

He sounds like a complicated anti-hero.

Yeah, sort of.

Nice.

He lives by his own code.

Yeah, kind of.

His own chode.

But no, that was just...

It was so funny knowing that that happened to John.

And then, like, six months later,

fucking, we were all hanging out at Matt's house, and Matt ordered a pizza.

And fucking John showed up to deliver the pizza.

Incredible.

Yeah, and then he just, like, didn't tip him.

Awesome.

Yeah.

That fucking rules.

Fuck that guy.

What's he up to now?

I don't know.

Dead?

Probably.

Dead or in jail.

I mean, I wouldn't be fucking surprised.

Oh, fuck.

That fucking rules.

I hate that.

I love when villains from childhood get their comeuppins.

He wasn't even a villain.

He was just like a dumb guy.

He was fucking a 15-year-old as a 23-year-old.

Yeah.

But

pretty bad.

What are you going to do?

Yeah, you're right.

Game-recognized game.

Yeah.

He could be in the pussy posse than you, pussy posse.

We need more people for the pussy posse.

Who else is in the pussy posse?

David Blaine.

He was in it, right?

He was in the pussy posse.

So we need a magician.

And then the one that really threw me for a a loop was the guy who plays E from Entourage.

Oh, man.

I'm going to start getting, I'm going to just get into magic and then become like one of the dude magicians that does comedy clubs.

Yes.

Oh, you should go higher than that.

Do you think Patrick could give me spots at the stand if I'm like, is this your card?

Maybe.

My people would love it.

Honestly, Harrison Greenbound.

If you're the magic, if you're the magic comic.

Fuck that.

Shut up.

I'm done with it.

I don't want want it.

If Harrison's doing it, I'm not doing it.

Yeah, no, that makes sense.

That guy, what's his name?

Jonathan?

Amazing Jonathan?

He's dead, dude.

Is he dead?

Don't mock the dead.

Yeah, he's dead.

That's fucked up.

Never mind.

You know what was so funny?

Was

Jamie Kilstein one time?

Fucking.

He was talking about

what's good comedy and what's bad comedy.

And he, like, as an example of shitty comedy, he's like, yeah, it's like going to see the amazing fucking Jonathan or whatever.

And literally, like seven hours later, like

the amazing Jonathan announced that he had terminal cancer and he was dying.

There was this like outpouring.

All these comedians are like, He's so great, he's so talented, and fucking Kill Steam in shitty timing.

That's so good.

Yeah.

Well, that's so strange.

It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

You know?

You know what's funny is I tell that story, and then we find out tomorrow Jamie Killstein has cancer.

It's just an outpouring of love.

Yeah.

Jamie was the best rapist comedian.

He's the workest rape coming.

Bill Cosby.

What I love is that he didn't do anything.

Yeah, he probably just

mildly hit on something.

No, I read the story.

It was like, you know, it's like, yeah, whenever I was in New York, Jamie would be like, you should come over to my apartment.

It's like, okay.

What?

Did he rape you?

It's like, no, he asked me to come to his apartment.

In like a sexual way.

Oh, so it's like a Casey Affleck thing.

It's like people just don't know.

Not even a Casey Affleck thing.

Because Casey Affleck went to the girl's room or something?

Yeah, well, yeah.

He was a little bit more aggressive.

Well, pro-Texas.

But obviously, Kilstein, it's like, that's what you, that's your fault also.

Yeah, that was my take for a while, but I mean, now that it's, you know, I've stopped laughing.

Back to time.

Time to support the men.

Well, no, no, it's my, but seriously, folks, we've had a lot of fun laughing at Jamie Kilstein, who most certainly deserved.

Yeah, he's just gone now.

He's just like, that was it.

He disappeared.

It's incredible.

What was he doing before?

He was on radio or something?

Yeah.

Well, he was Mark Maron for a couple of years.

He played Maron?

Yeah, Mark Maron retired and Jamie took over.

No way.

Do you know about that Andrew W.

K.

conspiracy?

That he's actually Andrew W.

Klay?

No, it's that there's

been multiple Andrew W.

Kayla.

Really?

Oh, I've I've heard of that.

They replace him.

And like the guy who's Andrew W.

K.

now gets uncomfortable when people bring it up.

Really?

Yeah, he's like, yeah, don't.

He's like the Dalai Lama.

It's like a new Andrew WK.

The Dalai Lama of partying.

Yeah.

Well, when you party that hard, dude, you can only live like two years at a time at a clip.

Yeah.

There's also that theory about Avril Levine

that

she died.

I'm not even kidding.

Who theory is that a bit?

She died.

I'm not even kidding, dude.

They couldn't just let Avril Levine be dead.

Culture couldn't handle it.

Of all the people that have died, that's the one.

We have to keep Avril Levine going.

That's so funny.

Yeah,

the conspiracy that she died well after her prime, too.

It wasn't like skating.

The whole thing with Andrew WK was that he was like cooked up by radio or like recording executives that were like, we need something for this segment.

This is the type of music we want for like this generation.

It's going to be party music.

And

we need a guy.

And then they cast Andrew W.K.

in that role and created a backstory for him.

And then, after, I guess, a couple years, he was like, I don't want to do this anymore.

Interesting.

And then, you know, he got out of it and they got another Andrew W.

K.

Huh.

What even is that type of music?

Like, that.

It's like an arena rock.

Yeah, it's like Euro Trip rock.

It's like 2003 rock.

What's an Andrew WK song?

Party Hard.

Party Hard.

How does that?

Party Hard.

I get wet as the album.

Oh, he gets wet?

He did Sherm?

He spoke Sherm.

Yeah, he's a really good

pianist.

Andrew Dubs K.

Yeah, I think he's like a classically trained pianist.

I don't think he actually is.

I believe the conspiracy theory.

Do you believe it?

Yeah.

What's a conspiracy theory do you actually bang with?

Do you have one that you think is like.

Are you guys 9-11 Truthers?

Nope.

I am.

Nope, I believe in 9-11.

Push-knocked down the towers.

I mean, I hope we went to the moon.

That would be such a fucking bummer if that's fake.

It'd be funny.

No, that's like probably the coolest thing humans have ever done.

Go to the moon.

That's the coolest shit ever.

That we've ever done.

And

if that was faked.

If it was fake, wouldn't the Chinese or the Russians blow up our spot?

No,

I don't know.

Maybe, yeah, probably.

they tried to.

Aren't Indians going to space now?

I think they are.

Yeah, we got to get Andrew W.K.

on the podcast.

Just have it.

Oh, we're getting Scarlett.

I did Sarah Schaefer's podcast.

She told me that.

Well, let's get him.

But she said he showed up and he just wore sunglasses.

Oh, so she didn't know if it was the real one.

He owns a nightclub in Chinatown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Santos Party House or something.

Really?

Yeah.

But I think it shut down, actually.

Someone died or something.

For partying too hard?

Partying, Yeah,

I don't know, man.

Smells like a conspiracy to me.

He owns something and something happened there.

Oh,

that's if anything, that proves that the Russians colluded with the Trump games.

Actually, there was a thing that came out today.

I didn't read it.

I actually, you know,

Smoking Gun, Rachel Maddow, tonight,

she has video evidence of Donald Trump eating Borscht in 1987.

Which proves that he's a Russian.

She's going to talk about it for 40 minutes.

There's a thing that came out.

But I think we should replace Rachel Maddow with Rachel Dolazal.

We should replace Rachel Maddow with Andrew W.K.

Smart.

She's going to be the next one.

She's the next one.

She's going to be the next Andrew W.K.

The fucking...

Guys, shouldn't, honestly, shouldn't we get into...

The elections coming up, guys?

The British one?

You know, isn't it time to do our British politics?

minute?

Do you think they're going to go black James Bond?

I think so, yeah.

Is it finally going to happen?

Absolutely.

That's on the referendum.

Drink people off a Muslim James Bond.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Well, he couldn't drink.

Make him the guy Riz Ahmed.

He can drink, yeah.

He can drink the blood of Christian Jews.

Infidels.

No, that's Jewish.

Oh, is it?

Out of.

Oh, we did it, Nick.

Finally.

All right, well, there's the podcast.

This is all minor rooms.

We don't drink the blood.

We bake it in the body.

The curtains come on.

It was all a game, Connie.

Get him, boys.

No, it's baked into the monster.

We don't drink it out of goblets.

We're not fucking Blade, dude.

We're not Steven Dorf and Blade.

We're not having Gothic vampire parties at night.

Yeah, Snow White and the Steven Dorfs.

Yes, absolutely.

And the seven Steven Dorfs.

Today it leaked

that there was a Russian hacking attempt 10 days before the election.

And

there was a secret NSA.

Whatever.

We don't have to fucking talk about it.

This is a good question.

Yeah, this sounds real.

I got a spot soon.

Well, it sounds like bullshit to me.

I don't know.

In my professional opinion, as, first of all, if we're going to be honest, the only one of the three of us that knows anything about cybersecurity.

That's probably

true.

Not probably that's actually true.

No, I know a lot.

I know a lot about the mainframe.

I've hacked it before.

Sava's been.

I hacked the mainframe.

I remember every line from the movie Hackers.

I love that movie.

I love that

it's the world's most secure computer, and the password is God.

Shit.

Wait, that was the one with Angelina Jolie.

That's the three-letter password.

Hell yeah.

That's Angelina Jolie and Billy?

Zane.

Yeah, no, it's not Billy Zane.

It was Garden.

It's her husband.

Yeah.

Billy Ray Cyrus.

Davies.

No, no.

Johnny.

It's Johnny.

Johnny something.

Yeah, Johnny.

Johnny Quest.

Shut the fuck up.

We're talking about smart things like movies.

Johnny Ray Lewis.

Johnny Ray Lewis.

Johnny Ray Lewis.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh, man.

We were laughing.

I forget.

Yeah, we were watching Conair.

This is a pretty funny.

I love that.

We were guys a guy.

He's like, they call him Johnny 23, you know, because he raped 23 women.

But then I was laughing about the robot from Short Circuit, Johnny 5.

He raped five women.

A rape robot.

That's really good.

Are we done or what?

169.

That's 16.

That's done.

We went along the last time.

Okay.

All right.

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