Ep. 43 – The REAL Original Cum Boys

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Hello.

Bonjois, bonsoir.

Bonsoie.

That's French for

nice pussy.

Je mapel maurice.

I am a gay French clown.

That's that Jerry Lewis movie.

He plays the gay clown

that molests the children and outside.

To save them from the Holocaust.

What a fucking idiot.

You know what's so funny about that movie?

It's like, that's totally the movie that I would write if I had the undeserved career that Jerry Lewis had.

He just attached himself to Dean Martin and pretended to be retarded.

That was his character.

I have too many chromosomes.

I'm retarded, yeah.

And then he tried to make a fucking Mel Brooks movie.

Yeah, exactly.

And they had to hide it from the world.

It was more of a tightly kept secret than the Holocaust itself.

Is that a Jerry Lewis movie?

What was it called?

The Comeboy Albert.

The Day the Laughter Died.

Apparently, it's unwatchable.

The Library of Congress is releasing it.

How dare he take the title of the best comedy album ever recorded?

Yeah.

Six million people can't.

No, it's The Day the Laughter Cried.

Is it The Day the Laughter Cried?

Yeah.

Jake had a good one.

By the way, Jake Flores in the

Jake Flores, which, interestingly enough,

one of the original original Comeboys.

Yeah, what happened?

A lot of people don't know this, but the original Comeboys was me, Jake Flores, and Blake Midget.

Oh, yeah,

and then Adam and Stav got added on when I stopped

wanting to go to Williamsburg to hang out.

So we rewrote the

reboot.

They really missed out on this Patreon shit.

Yeah, fucked up.

Yeah, they don't let you.

There's no new accounts allowed now.

No one else is allowed to sign up.

And you know what?

Honestly, if Blake converted the amount of money he makes in free cocaine from people to actual cash value, he's making like $87 million a month.

Come on.

Doesn't Blake fuck too?

Is he back in Texas or is he in New York?

No, he lives here.

His dog moved to Texas.

That's what he said.

His dog moved to Texas.

Yeah, it did.

What the fuck?

His dog was living in Texas for like two years.

He's like, I'm finally getting my dog back, man.

It's like, stop pretending like you give a shit about that dog.

He's got like deadbeat dad shit about that.

His dog.

Who's got his dog?

I don't know.

Somebody took his dog.

He's wearing a white feeder and smoking a spliff.

He's like, one of these days, I'm going to get to see my dog again.

I love that dog.

I remember I used to go over to his apartment, and the dog would just be eating its own shit in the corner.

And he'd be like, Yo, Sarion, no.

Yo, Sarion, stop it.

I bought a DVD.

I've been teaching it all these combat tactics.

Well, Joe Stats used to have that dog training DVD.

You remember that?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

And he would show people.

All those guys thought.

Yeah, Joe would offer to break people's dogs for them.

What a fucking psychopath.

Yeah, yeah.

We'd be like sitting out on the porch smoking cigarettes.

His dog would like lick someone's beard.

He'd be like, hold on, watch this, and just choke slam it.

Like, what the fuck?

No, no, you're supposed to do that.

How they know that you're dominant.

Yeah, you kill your dog.

It's going to know that you beat it in the fight.

Hold on.

This is what you do.

It takes out a gun and just shoots the dog in the thigh.

That's how you teach.

You have to put a little bit of your cum in her food so she knows you're scent.

That's how you become a dominant alpha.

Yeah.

That's what we've been doing to Adam.

Yeah, I learned how to train dogs from the movie Red Dragon.

He was tattooing himself in the office and shit.

Yeah, remember that?

There was that day where he had me remove his stitches.

Yeah, he didn't want to go back to the hospital and get his.

What was my old room?

We both lived with him, Joe Staff.

You guys go back to Austin.

Yeah, yeah.

For the listeners, Jake and Nick are Austin boys.

Yeah, so,

yeah, like Joe didn't want to go back to the hospital to have his stitches taken out, so he just had me do it in his office.

Why you of all people?

You were the most trustworthy.

I was his roommate.

Yeah, actually, kind of.

He was just walking around.

Wait, 23-year-old drunk as hell, you was the most responsible one?

I don't think I let me do it drunk, but yeah.

I think you were drunk.

You're probably dressed like Joseph Mengele or something.

Yeah, you look like you have the most medical.

I did.

I think there was a picture.

I wore

like a painter's mask, and then I made

one of those doctor's things for your head with the reflect lash.

Oh, yeah, what was that?

I think it's a reflect light.

Because they didn't have lights.

They didn't have like a headlamp?

No, they didn't.

It's actually, if you spin it, it's for mind control.

Yeah.

Isn't that what the guy did in the doctor in

The Phantom Toll Booth?

I don't know.

Is that a book?

It's a book that was also a movie.

Oh, yeah, the doldrums are in it.

Yeah, something.

So there's a dog that's got a clock in his stomach.

There's a boy.

It's kind of like a

Milo Yanophil.

It's about Milo Yanobos.

Yeah, it's what's going on in his head.

Did you hear he came out and was like,

I think it's actually perfectly normal and not pedophilia to have a relationship between an older man and a 13-year-old boy.

What?

Yeah, he's like, especially in the homosexual community.

What?

There are very important, beautiful relationships that could be founded that, yes, do bored on sexual.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Really?

Yeah.

He was like, first of all,

pedophilia.

Look, this plant's getting to stick hard.

Pedophilia is defined as...

Those marshmallows?

Is that where marshmallows come from?

This is hilarious.

Usually, Adam's the one who's distracted by I don't know.

He's doing this incredibly inaccurate Milo impression.

Oh, yeah, Milo sounds like C3PO.

That's pretty cool.

Hold on.

He said that into fucking boys, though.

Bearing on you is that pedophilia is.

Yeah, is C3PO called C3-year-olds?

He beat me to it.

I was just going to say CP3O.

That's a good one.

I was going to go suck three-year-olds.

No, those are all good.

Those are all good, good options.

Go on.

His argument is that pedophilia is actually attraction to a child that doesn't have sexual function.

So at 13, once you have sexual function, that's not actually.

So it's a febophilia.

Is that what it's called?

Yeah.

Feeb feebles.

Making fun of people who know the distinction between ephebophilia and pedophilia is like a big joke online, but you have to know the difference to make the joke.

Right, right.

Yeah, what is it?

Aphoophilia?

Yeah, it's actually technically referred referred to as saturday night fever yeah

uh that's what travalt has

he's got a real bad cancer yeah he just tries to jack off those massage therapists yeah

it's when you can only fuck kids when it's not a school night

that's what a phebophilia is i'm fucking kids over here yeah no a febophilia is like what would be considered normal up until like 1920 which is to fuck teeny which is yeah you're like a 30-year-old man that's marrying a 14 year old girl oh nice.

Yeah.

Well, that's normal.

Dude, that's the prime, dude.

Jerry Lee Lewis did it.

He married his 14-year-old cousin.

Cousin, yeah.

Is he Great Balls of Fire?

No, he's the same guy as Jerry Lewis.

He did funny faces.

Yeah.

Everyone used to fuck children, dude.

Back in the day, like, the hottest woman was just like the young, the first one to get tits, I guess.

Yeah, dude.

Kings would just fuck.

What we talked about in the other episode is Julie Gartland being molested by those munchkins.

you know there's nothing wrong with that in 1939 would you like to be jerked off by a midget jake uh blank midget yeah by blank midget

so you're saying if i do this i get my dog back

yeah

the best part is when you tell them i don't know where your dog is

because i my my argument is that it would probably make your dick look big as hell yeah you know because you got little hands Yeah.

Yeah.

But

I mean, if you don't have a small dick, then what's the benefit of that?

Just that for everyone, you know,

everyone's probably here has got a nice size dick that we don't have to dwell on and ask specifics.

People always say that, like, oh, yeah, it makes my dick look huge.

No, it makes your dick look like it's fucking a child.

This is a small hand on a dick.

Yeah, thank you, Jay.

Thank you for.

But just imagine it's a regular person's hand and your dick is the size of like a baseball bat.

Wouldn't that be cool?

I don't know.

Then you're just a giant person.

Then in that case, yeah, why wouldn't you just

skip the hands and stick your dick next to their dick?

Now we're talking.

Because if you're worried about the size of your dick, why don't you just pair up with a guy with a really small dick?

Now I think we're just beat off.

Is that a fetish in the gay community?

Like a guy with a huge dick.

Here's the answer to your question, and this is outside of the context of this.

If the question is, is that a fetish in the gay community?

The answer is almost always yes.

Probably.

You think they rub dicks?

One guy with a big-ass dick rubs his dick against a little guy.

Yeah, it's called frauding.

No, frauding, isn't it?

Oh, I guess that is fraud.

What is it called when you just rub up against people on the train?

That's Japanese.

That's called pleasure.

That's called New York Minute.

It's called Showtime.

What if those kids pulled their dicks out midway through and they're just upside down, beating off?

They They catch the hat on it and shit.

The hat part is throws me.

There's this like fucking video that was going around like a year and a half ago that was like, the NYPD is trying to crack down on this.

And it was a video of Showtime.

And all these people that don't live in New York were like, this is so fucked up.

This is racist or whatever.

And it's like, yeah, you don't live here.

It's super fucking annoying.

I got kicked.

I got kicked by the shit.

They fucking demand money to all do the same dance, which isn't even dancing.

It's just pull-ups.

Yeah.

So you can do pull-ups.

Are you just mad?

They're stronger than you?

No, I can do pull-ups.

They're stronger than you.

I'm stronger than you.

Is that why you're mad?

No, I'm not.

I don't know.

Is that why you're interjecting and ruining?

You need to be on my side here against the Showtime people.

I like the Showtime.

Anyhow, if you don't fucking live here, you don't get to comment on it.

I don't know.

It's kind of cool.

It's annoying as fuck, but there's still a small part of me that looks at it.

It's like, wow.

Good for those kids.

They're pretty cool.

Keeping them off the show.

They like dancing.

I guarantee you you could do that shit if you thought dancing was cool.

I guarantee you.

Because

that's where dancing goes to.

Dancing is a lot of fun.

You don't think dancing's cool?

cool?

Those guys have to spend $900 a month for those lessons.

Holy shit.

Why doesn't someone monetize Showtime?

You know how obnoxious that would be?

Oh, yeah, like the Showtime.

There's some Williamsburg guy that fucking turned Showtime classic.

He got old subway cars and installed them in

old black churches all around Bedside.

He bought out the churches from under them, kicked everyone out.

This is a very New York regional subject we're talking about right now.

Yeah.

They should just start a restaurant called Showtime Pizza where the robots do it for you.

Hell yeah, dude.

That would be awesome.

Oh, that's chill.

Problem solved, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't get it because there are three elements of the Showtime to me.

One is the pole work.

The second is like the stationary break dancing.

Yes.

And then the third is like doing hat-flipping tricks.

Yeah, and shoes sometimes.

Is it shoes also?

Yeah.

It'd be great if there was a guy that could make his pants fall down, but then come back up.

Whoa,

that'd be incredible.

The slide slide whistles, yeah, slide whistles.

I would empty out my body.

You're just describing a clown.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then maybe they'd all get in like a one-car, a little-ass car, but eight of them would go in.

You'd be like, How'd they do that?

And he gives you a balloon and then he leaves.

You know, on my trailer, on the G in the mornings on the way to work, there's Banda guys.

They're like three Mexican dudes.

G for gay?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Fair enough.

Yes.

Yes.

I'm on board with that.

I agree with her.

You live off the G, too.

No, I don't, dude.

In fact, I take Ubers everywhere.

So you don't have to ride the G?

Yeah.

That's how scared the A train.

No, that's how impervious I am to being called gay.

I've never stepped foot on that train.

Impervious to being called gay.

That's your superpower.

He's got an imperviousness to be called a homosexual.

I ride the A train for has sex with girls.

I should take the.

Excuse me.

I just take the L to the G to the Q to the the B to the T to get to work.

You might suck dicks at work.

Yeah, I ride the F to the A to the G pretty much every day.

I ride the T to the I to the T to the T to the I to the E to the S train.

Okay, there's no T.

Yeah, you're back.

Get off and then get back.

I'd get on those trains.

I have to ride the 9 to 11 train.

This is like the worst battle rap.

Yeah,

this is the cipher, dude.

You're in the circle now.

Yeah, we move quickly out here.

Hip-hop started.

I was taking a train to Times Square on Christmas Eve to go to fucking Red Lobster.

Hell yes, yes, dude.

Hell, mother.

I love everything about what you just said.

Lobster.

Remember when we did that video with Cubis where he had to eat all those shrimp?

Yeah.

Wait, which one?

We got three of those.

Yeah.

There was like, there's a guy in Austin that makes videos, and he's like, we're going to take Chris Cubis

to Red Lobster and see how many shrimp he can eat as a video.

And so we sat there.

He did it.

It was,

by the way.

It came out okay, but Chris finishes eating and he eats like 112 or 120 shrimp or something.

And then fucking at the end of it, like the waiter's like, oh, are you doing like the challenge to see how many you can eat?

And he was like, yeah.

He's like, yeah, we had like a 12-year-old that did like 400 two days ago.

And Chris's numbers were just atrocious.

That's Texas for you.

Remember, like all the shit we did four years ago or eight years ago, or whatever, that now, like, now in this post-Trump world, we're all like, okay, everything I'm doing is a benefit for the cause and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everything is so embarrassing

in comparison.

Oh, everything I do now is a benefit for the cause.

Definitely.

This podcast is a benefit.

We don't see a dime.

All the money goes to some woman with huge breasts that are filled with cancer.

I thought you were going to say candy.

Yeah.

We found the woman with the biggest tits who has breast cancer.

But also has cancer.

Yeah, because those are the most important ones to save.

It's tragic.

Yeah, she's from Syria.

Save the titties.

I only started caring about cancer when titties got involved.

Well, it was funny.

There was like pushback against that kind of like branding of breast cancer research.

And, you know, they're like, you don't need to sexualize women in fighting cancer.

And it's like, oh, okay, I'll just keep my $20 then.

You can either have me on board on my terms,

dance for this fucking money, bitch.

Yeah.

That's a good point.

You're trying to raise money.

You shouldn't really nitpick.

You should just

fucking nitpick.

It's tedious.

My grandmother.

Yeah, it's dumb, but the pushback against that is money fucking talks.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is, you fucking idiot.

No, the pushback is that Susan G.

Komen like, copyrighted for the cause or for the curious.

You're talking about a completely self-confident.

Yeah, that's a different pushback.

Yeah, that's true.

Susan G.

Komen sucks my dick.

Don't they only do like seven, like eight percent or whatever?

And they don't take before pictures.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the big complaint about Susan G.

Komen because you see all this like pink stuff and you think that they're you know taking a bunch of before pictures of the breasts and that's why you donate to them.

Not a chance.

But they're not.

Most of that money goes to women who have small breasts.

Instead of the wanting to just come on.

Come on, who gives a shit?

Oh, fuck.

Jake, you're damn good.

Yeah, you were going to Red Lobster on Christmas?

Oh, I got a good burn on those kids.

They started dancing, and everyone was like, not having it because it was Christmas Eve.

So I was like, hey, it's not showtime, it's Christmas time.

You fucking orphans that don't have families to go to on Christmas.

They yell at a kid for like a second.

You homeless queer youth.

You stupid ass.

It ain't showtime.

It's blowtime.

So you pick it up and make them blow you.

Drop you.

Just poor Peter Pan Lost Boys.

What did you?

Yeah.

I ain't taking it out for you, Cinderella.

What did you have at Red Lobster for Christmas?

Well, a bunch of bullshit.

Like, I don't really remember.

It's all

cheesy biscuits.

Yeah, I mean, you can't just get the cheesy biscuits.

They kind of won't let you, but I think I got some lobster.

I mean, it was garbage.

It was like $25 an entree for like,

you know, a fucking just above fast food meal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember that night Juliana Fry was all drunk, and she was like, does anyone want Waterburger?

I'm going to get honey.

Like, I'm going to get honey.

And she spent like $78 on

drunk.

I'm going to do a Waterburger run real quick.

Yeah, that wasn't that uncomfortable.

Yeah, when she worked at like a diner's, that was like her paycheck for the whole week.

$2.

Is Whataburger good?

I've never had it.

It's okay.

It's Texas, right?

It's just McDonald's.

Yeah, no, it's better than McDonald's.

It's good, but the fucking hype about it is the same as the local fast food in any place, which is just a bunch of drunk people who don't like sports, so they have to eat it instead for it.

It's fucking way better than that shit they have in Tucson or whatever.

Hey, man.

Diabetic sports.

Whataburger is on par with Wendy's, I'd say.

Okay, okay.

Wendy's is good.

You know what's funny is

experience of going to get fast food in New York City, which is a fast food in New York City, is a homeless shelter.

It's not a fast, it's not a restaurant.

I went to the Boston Market.

Where?

In Chelsea?

Chelsea, yeah.

Holy shit, dude.

When I was a kid growing up, we weren't allowed to have Boston Market because it was too nice.

Yeah.

It was like, what, like, rich people ate?

Rogers Roasters family.

Don't go to Boston Market.

Yeah, no, I went in and I just said they'll fucking leave.

I couldn't even

bear ordering anything.

There's a McDonald's in Hell's Kitchen where two, like, I guess there was like a methadone clinic right by there.

That's the one.

No, that's the Penn Station McDonald's.

The one where the junkies murdered each other?

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

There was that guy, that journalist that lived there for six weeks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's right next to a methadone clinic, yeah.

And there's like murders and shit that happened.

Jesus shut down that whole McDonald's.

Didn't you have some kind of story about a gay McDonald's?

Yeah, in DC on DuPont Circle.

Yeah, dude, what happened?

Nick was blackout.

So me and Nick and Jamel, we were all drinking beers all night.

It was like 2-3 a.m.

We went to the gay McDonald's.

We got there and we were like stoned as fuck drunk.

And it's just like all the gay clubs just let out and it was after hours at McDonald's.

And Nick walked in on a guy sucking

another guy off really in the bathroom

and then he came and then he came out and he's like dude I could pee there because there's a guy sucking

I got scared

spooked you dude his face was white literally to just see this this man getting his penis I'm jealous did you go check it out and I was like yo we should yelp that dude

we should definitely yelp that did you go in and look after him uh no I mean but I you know I wanted to make sure that they were you know everything was was okay in there.

Did I tell I mean I'm sure I've told this story on the podcast before but in terms of hilarious uh getting your dick sucked in public restroom stories in my at the high school I went to after I graduated some girl was getting gang banged in uh in in the public in like the school bathroom and some kid was taking a piss

had nothing to do with the gang bang and and he heard what was going on as soon as he pissed he just went in and got his dick sucked

he was just on a break where he just had to piss from like algebra class he's like all right fuck it and he just like hopped into the gang bang that's hilarious this is so good one day uh me and my friend brad who i went to high school with who's mormon we went to see the movie head of safe with chris rock after school yeah and there was this guy sitting in the row in front of us and he was just going on

and then the n-word and he was like on and he kept saying it all n-word aw n-word and then um

my friend brad like was like looking really confused, and we were like giggling.

We didn't know what was going on, and then all of a sudden, like, a woman's head comes out of his crotch, and now he's just getting his dick sucked out.

Getting head of state, yeah, exactly.

I remember I was in, uh, I forget what movie I went to see, but during the trailer, you know, how they have those like two captain's chairs for like handicapped people, yeah, hell yeah,

so I was in one of them with my friend, and then in the other, the other one, like, halfway on the other side of the steed of this like butch dyke sits down, like, you know, flannel, you know.

And a fucking, there was trailers for movies going on.

And the trailer for, she's, like, already talking.

She's like brown bagging something, too.

So she's fucking trashed.

And the trailer for Kung Pao, Enter the Fist, comes on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this fucking lesbian is laughing her ass off.

Like,

you see that motherfucking cow?

Ain't fine.

And they just, almost immediately an usher's like, you gotta fucking go.

And she got kicked out during the

trailers for fucking making too much noise during the kung pao enter the fist.

Man, that's impressive.

I've never seen an usher actually do anything.

Yeah, no, that's the only time I've ever seen anyone get kicked out of the theater.

But they were like, you know, it was like Max Cady and fucking, you know, Cape Fear.

Yeah,

smoking a cigar.

Yeah.

Just laughing at Kung Pao.

You know what's cool about business expenses is because I said just that, I can expense buying just buying.

Just like Cape Fear.

Yeah.

Oh, they're going to say Kung Pow.

No, I mentioned every movie.

You can buy that one too.

I mentioned every movie I buy just so it's technically.

I did the same thing.

Yeah.

Like we said the sound of music, so I bought the sound of music.

Yeah, what else, though?

Oh, yeah, Predator.

I mentioned that one.

I want to buy that one.

Yeah.

What are some good flicks I need to see, boys?

Yeah, I need to do research to figure out what it feels like to get a haircut.

So now that's a business expense.

Yeah.

I'll review.

You can get a $10 blowjob.

Yeah.

Adam, you can write off.

Yeah.

Adam literally got jerked off by a fucking

first-tier operator.

I've made the case before, but it's pretty fucked up that you can't write off illegal expenses.

Like drugs?

Yeah, you can't write off cocaine, even if you do a bunch of cocaine.

For work.

Yeah, we did it for work.

We did it for work a couple of years ago.

It's fucking absolutely insane that you can't write it off as a business expense.

If they can catch Al Capone

if illegal income is taxable, then fucking illegal spenditures should be taxable or tax negated.

It does make sense.

It does make sense.

I should be in charge of the law offices, the tax department.

You literally probably could.

You could probably sneak your way into the camera.

I could fucking make that case.

It was the IRS that took down Capone.

Yeah, it was, dude.

They had to fucking get him because he didn't keep books on all his fucking illegal incomes.

Is that really what it is?

Yeah, he didn't launder his money properly.

You should watch the untouched.

Well, they had to get him on something because they couldn't get evidence on anything else, you know, and they can't rely on local police departments because he fucking owned everything in Chicago.

The G-Men got him that way.

Yeah.

My man had syphilis.

Yeah, I've been talking about wanting to watch The Untouchables again.

Me and Adam are watching The Untouchables after this.

I've been on a Brian DePalm.

By the way, The Untouchables is also the name of Stav's Dick and Balls.

No, it isn't.

Yeah, that's

The Unseeables by

The Can't Seaables.

Fucking Unseeables.

The Can't Findables.

It's so funny when

fucking dudes call their girl the N-word.

Like,

such a master.

Yeah, that guy getting his dick sucked and dropping N-bomb just hilarious.

Are you sure it wasn't a man sucking his dick?

I had this roommate who, like, I live in a fucking dumb.

The best part is that story is here is a Chinese guy.

Oh, Nicole.

Chinese guy getting sucked off by a Dominican woman.

There's no black people involved whatsoever.

I live in like a fucking apartment with really you know thin walls and you just hear everyone, everybody hears each other all the time.

Shit.

The guy that lived in the room next to me used to just get home blackout drunk in the middle of the night and like, you know, just trying to sleep and he'd just be up like having these.

He was a wigger from like Shelter Island, like a super rich, weird like Justin Biebery bowler hat guy.

And he would just be like having these intense conversations where he's just calling his girlfriend the N-word like all night.

Like Not like aggressively, like as a slur.

It was like he's talking to her.

It would sounded like

a skit from a rap album, but just all fucking night.

And then, to cap it all off, he would get into a fit of rage and play the saxophone.

This is the most obnoxious fucking roommate ever.

That guy sounds fake as shit to me.

There was a guy, remember that guy, that gay guy that moved into Sandstone

that had that beard?

He's like, this is my girlfriend, Brett.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Brett.

Yeah, that guy's.

There's a woman named Brett, but it was clearly a beard.

But

he lived right above the office, and we would just hear him fucking all the time.

And I remember it was like, Joe was like, Well, I guess he's not gay, dude.

He's fucking that girl pretty hard.

And it's like, no, he has to fuck her that hard to come.

Yeah.

If he's pretending,

he was getting pegged.

Yeah.

That's why, that's why.

Oh, yes.

Use the extra large one.

He's got a wall of different

gauges.

It's a bandalier.

Like drill bitch.

She puts a sock and bopper in his ass and then blows it up.

One time when I was living in Bushwig at John F.

O'Donnell's place.

This is a fake story.

I was about to tell by the one.

No, the three of us.

Fake news, bitch.

No, me, Jake, and Nick were playing Catan, and I'm a piece of shit.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Adam.

Oh, fuck.

Tell your story.

Nick is a piece of shit.

No.

Wait, wait, wait.

I remember that.

Playing Catan, remember that.

Tough fake news.

I was there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had that

roommate that used to cheat on his girlfriend, but most of the cheating included tickling girls.

Yeah.

Remember that?

Yeah.

And the three of us were like playing Catan in the living room, and there would just be these shrieks of laughter coming out of the room.

And it turned out, yeah, like he cheated.

I guess the girl came over, like his girlfriend came over three nights a week, and the other four nights a week he had a different girl over.

I mean, he was very professional about cheating.

Was he sexy?

He was like a pretty big, big dude, big, big black man.

Muscular black man.

Yeah, let's just say he filled Adam out.

He's tickling bitches?

That shit was.

Well, it's like, if you think about it, like the control of like of an orgasm

that lasts like five seconds.

That just reminds me of you ever see that bullshit Josh Hardnett movie, uh,

40 Days and 49s, 40 Days and 40s.

No feathers, where he blows that feather across that bitch's stomach, and she like comes from the feather.

Oh, no, and it's like, shut the fuck up, yeah, dude.

I used to be in love with you.

You know how fucking, how hard it is for most women to come, and this bitch comes from a feather?

She was probably molested.

I know that's like a weird way to go with that, but I feel like

those people come early.

She was molested by a poultry farmer, is what happened.

So any kind of feather.

She was molested by that bird woman, Chuck E.

Cheese.

Chuck E Cheese's girlfriend, whoever was in that costume.

How many sex scenes and movies from the past before, I don't know, just like, I guess before porn was prevalent enough.

A lot of shit seems like it was written by people that have never had sex.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

This is what I love.

All the Michael Douglas sex scenes are always him just like about to bite or be bitten by some fucking anorexic woman.

They're always like

just sucking air through their teeth at each other.

Ah, you know, like throwing their hair around.

And it's like, what the fuck are you doing?

Nobody fucks like that.

Always, you have to clear off every surface in your apartment.

Yeah.

It's like, who's going to get that up?

I used to think that was just a prerequisite to fucking.

It was cleaning.

Throwing off your desk.

Yeah, yeah, cleaning out a desk.

Bro, you're on a badge.

Big tables, kitchens.

Yeah.

When I was a little kid, I used to

be like passionately making it out with a woman and grabbing out a tabletop.

Yeah, she's always grabbing your necktie, doing weird shit with your necktie,

kissing your shirt so it leaves a mark on your shirt.

That shit was fucking dumb.

Does anybody have good fuck scenes?

Who's got a nice fuck scene?

The scene in the pornography.

Which Chloe Savini sucks that guy's

so awesome.

That's so funny that you mentioned that.

I literally was thinking about it the last one we recorded.

It's like, how, God bless that man, dude, for just like getting his dicks.

What's his name?

Brown Bunny.

What was the fucking guy's name?

Vincent Gallo.

Yeah, Vince Gallo.

Yeah, he just like, yeah, I think actually, my character has to get his dick sucked.

Like, okay, cool.

It's like, yeah, but it's going to have to be on camera.

My dick has to literally get sucked.

Apparently, they say it's a prosthetic that he used.

What?

Yeah.

because that dick was pretty huge.

That's a good dick.

I know what happens right after the blowjob in that movie.

What?

He finds out.

No, he finds out.

He comes out of his penis and blowjob.

You said right after.

I'm answering the question.

What did he find out?

Chloe Sivigny was a good guy.

That's a cool way to say it.

Chloe Sivigny?

Savini?

Yeah, you say it.

Chloe Savini?

No,

I said it right the first time.

Now you've infected my brain with your weird.

and gay all day.

I say things gay.

That's just how I am.

Anyway, she's a ghost.

He finds out she's a ghost, and then the movie.

I literally beat off to that because I thought it was crowded and funny fucking dude.

I thought that she was literally sucking dick and it was cool that an actress was sucking.

Anyway, it's kind of weird that she was fuck, like, sucking a fake dick.

Well, someone asked Vincent Gallo about it, and he got super mad.

Like, it was like a rumor, and then they asked him about it, and he got furious.

So now, because he got mad, everyone's like, oh, yeah, I guess it wasn't.

Oh, so he got mad because they thought it wasn't his, his dick wasn't big enough, his real dick wasn't big enough.

I guess, well, I guess he's sort of by getting mad, it was like a tell that it maybe wasn't actually his dick.

But that guy's got a stupid voice.

Have you ever heard him speak before?

No, I thought he's like Emo Phillips.

Yeah,

really?

The only part of his movies?

He talks like this.

Now he talks like this.

Really?

Yeah.

Literally, the only part of his acting I've ever seen is him getting his.

He's got a sky accent and it's high.

Really?

Yeah, it's really annoying.

So he sounds like you?

This sounds like you're doing an Adam impression.

No, shut up, dude.

I'm not even from New York.

Whoa, he talks like that?

That's really gay.

That's how he talks?

Like this?

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

That's an amazing impression of both you and him.

I don't know how you do that so well.

Wait.

Anyway, do you have anything else to talk about, Adam?

No, that's

going to do that voice the whole time?

Just talk in your normal voice, man.

Oh, man, he's really method on this impression

of Vincent Friedland.

Um, yeah, anyway, I definitely did beat off to that.

Chloe Savini, what's up?

I'd fuck.

I'd just be don't you mean Chloe Sauvignon?

Sauvignon.

Seven dust.

Vincent, the guy, Yalon.

Dude, I used to know this guy.

I used to work with this guy that was really into Avenge Sevenfold and had Avenge Sevenfold tattoos.

I fucking love them, actually.

He had Avenge Sevenfold tattoos.

He's like, Yeah, this is the skull bat.

Basically, what it represents.

I was like, stop.

He was like, Well, no, it represents stop.

I don't want to even hear what you think a skull bat represents.

What kind of symbolism a fucking skull with bat wings on it?

What kind of close reading of a flying bat skull could be in your fucking idiotic mind?

You ever watch all those like Bam Margera post-jackass shows?

Hell.

Yo, we put a fucking alligator in April's bed, and she's going to shit her fucking pussy off.

A bear's going to rape my mother.

Yo, we took a shit in Don Vito's fucking mouth while he was asleep.

Wait, Don Vito raped kids?

Wait, free Don Vito or R.I.P.

Yeah, he's dead.

He's dead, and he was a teddy.

Dead and a pedophile.

Yo, you're watching Bam fucking pranks his fucking parents.

Hey, this is Bam Margera.

I'm 37 years old.

Well,

they all had tattoos of this thing called a hardigrant.

Yeah, that's from the band Him.

Yeah, and like he got rich when he was like 17, so he just has like tattoos of that.

Yo, I'm obsessed with this band, and I do pranks on my parents, like taking a shit in April's mouth while she's asleep.

I'm gonna fuck my mom.

Yo, we covered my turds in flour, and we're gonna fucking throw them at my mom.

It's really good.

It's a treasure trove of mid-Atlantic accent because they're all from Westchester, yeah.

So they all talk like shit.

How did he get rich?

They did CKY.

CKY, yeah.

Well, CKY and fucking Knoxville and Steve-O teamed up, and that's what created Jackass.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Because

Knoxville wrote for, what was it,

was it Big Brother?

No.

No, not

some magazine, some skateboard magazine.

Oh, that's right.

Spike Jones was involved.

Trans World.

No, it wasn't Trans World.

No, it was a musician.

It was a different skateboard magazine, but he did a piece, and then Steve-O was just a rodeo clown.

I forget how he got roped into it.

Did you read that?

Have you seen his special?

Have we talked about his stand-up special?

No, but I mean, I've heard from people that he approaches it the same way Mick Foley does, which is like, I'm not a comic, you know, but these are venues where I can go around.

Right, but it's so fun.

The stand-up special he has is like he'll do like four minutes and then he'll just like smash a full beer can over his head.

Like, it's like it's pranks, it's like bits, and then in between, he'll just like staple his balls or something.

I mean, you literally staples his balls.

It's funny as shit, dude.

Yeah, it's so good.

Um, Ben Margero's live show is, yo, we're gonna come in an envelope, and I'm gonna mail it to April.

We're gonna fucking mail it to April.

A whole club is gonna watch me.

His boy died, dude.

Ryan Dunn.

Yeah, dude.

One of my favorite tweets after that was

somebody tweeted, Hi, I'm Ryan Dunn, and this is Drive Into a car and kill your friend.

But wasn't he tweeting about how he's fucked up and going to drop?

I think his last tweets are literally like, well, and then all those jackass guys were like hurt that their, I mean, yeah, you can be hurt, but like they got mad when people were making fun of it.

Oh, yeah, there's like one of those roasts.

Somebody makes a joke.

It was humor.

It was Schumer.

Yeah.

You just zoom in on Steve-O's face and he just looks like a dog that's about to get put down.

Yeah.

What was the joke?

It was like something like

something about him being dead, also, or something like that.

That was about, you remember when Schumer was like, that was her thing?

She was like, real fucking mean and edgy?

Yeah, roast.

Yeah, she used to be inappropriate.

Dude, and she would be fine right now if she just continued down that path and didn't fucking throw people under the bus and embrace the whole like shame culture bullshit.

But she's so big now, that's part of her brand.

She didn't have to be.

It didn't fucking have to be.

Fucking Tina Fey rejected that shit.

Yeah.

You know, plenty of people did.

I feel like they tried to

rust it upon you if you were like a woman.

Of course they did.

yeah.

And you're like tempted to like just be like, well, I don't know.

There's more pressure for women to do it than there is men to be like a fucking woke person, but they're going to fucking come for you, and they have for Amy, you know?

Yeah.

But she's fine.

She's fucking doing movies.

Oh, yeah.

She'll be rich forever.

We're going to take a dump in Amy's car.

Yeah, we're going to make Amy Sadie Nworth to April.

And then we're going to fucking send a tape to Leslie Jones.

Hey, this is Bamar Jara 2017.

Did they like molest him or something?

Why is he so mean to his parents?

They seem like good parents.

Because that's the shit that's funny to fucking 12-year-olds.

Yeah.

And because when you're 12 years old and you're watching that show, you're like, Bam, rules.

He put a fucking half pipe in the house.

Yeah, it is to

as an 11-year-old, you're like, this is fucking awesome.

Yeah, but he's like a fucking 35-year-old man.

Yeah, right.

I've heard he's like not holding up really well.

Oh, he looks horrible.

Yeah, fucking bloated.

Imagine you had a show in the premises you live with your parents still.

Yeah, and you fucking fucking stayed.

And then you're trying to show everyone how cool you are.

He's just going to end up being as fat as fucking Phil.

Right, yeah.

I got to say, slapping his fat father in the stomach while the first time you see that, it's fucking funny.

It's very, very funny.

It's a good bit.

I don't know.

I just don't think it's funny to disrespect your parents.

Same.

You know?

My children were.

You learned there's certain rules, you know, there's rooms you don't go into in the house.

Right.

That's your father's Nazi memorabilia.

That's where your uncle fucks kids.

He kind of should be mean to Don Vito.

He's the one he loved the most, though.

It was the fucking child molester.

Just the fattest, goofiest looking motherfucker ever.

Bam had a good read on people.

He needed one of those scooters to get around.

I feel like they should reboot Firing Line with Bam Margera.

What's Firing Line?

It was like a public,

you know, like,

I guess, not Charlie Rose, but like a panel show.

Okay.

Like McLaughlin Group.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah.

He's the moderator.

Yeah, but it was like the longest-running one.

Like the Dick Havitt show?

No, that's just a talk show.

No.

Isn't it?

Yeah, but even.

Wait, the Dick Haver show?

The Dick Haver show.

You had to have a nice show.

I liked it, Adam.

Did you get away?

Dick Havitt is still alive.

Is he alive?

Yeah, he's already.

How about the Tranny Griffith show?

Now we're talking alive.

Now we're getting somewhere.

What were you you going to say, Adam?

I had a joke I wanted to do about Trans World Skateboard magazine and Caitlin Jenner.

Yeah, that's good, dude.

That's good.

I don't get it.

What do you mean?

Yeah, so I gave up.

Like 30 minutes ago.

It would have been.

Hell yeah.

Oh, fuck.

What happened to skateboarding?

You see that video of Tony Hawk where he's like, I'm 49 years old, and I'm going to land the 900 again.

Oh, yeah.

And then it's just like

20 minutes of him smashing his fucking head against the ground, and then he finally does it, and he's like, Let's fucking go home.

Dude, King.

What is this a fucking commercial for?

Chapter 30 about Matt Hoffman.

Oh, dude, that shit is hilarious.

And his family's like,

please.

No, I watched it with my mom, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

That's hilarious.

His old family's like, please, you don't need to jump this bicycle over this ramp.

You have a family to raise.

And he's like, I'm going to fucking do it.

Yeah.

And then they have footage of it.

He rides the bicycle up the ramp.

Nice.

And then he falls on the ground and cracks his skull open.

It's like

he was in a coma for the next seven months.

Jesus.

And then he came back down.

He medically died like four times.

Yeah.

He's just dragging his family through hell.

Yeah, yeah.

Because he's like, yeah, I just got to get Norway.

Well, it was so funny.

I remember watching that, and it was right around the time that Dave Mira died.

And it was like,

it wasn't the other guy?

Yeah.

I didn't even know Dave Mira died.

A bunch of those guys died.

Yeah.

Like, duh.

You know?

Yeah.

Did you know people growing up who were like

trying to get sponsored?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Everybody I know.

Everyone pretended they were sponsored.

You could land one kickflip.

You're like, yeah, I'm trying to get sponsored.

I'm trying to get fucking sponsored by Volcom.

Yeah.

I'm sponsored for Beating Off by Volcom.

When we were talking about Reading Rainbow earlier, I was thinking about Beating Off Rainbow.

No, wait, hold on.

Beating Off Bo.

That was it.

Beating Off Bow.

Beating Off Bow.

Take a look

at a porno book.

Beating off, bow.

And it says, teach kids about jacking off.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Butterfly in this guy.

I can come twice.

It's hot.

I never watched that shit, dude.

Reading's gay.

Yeah.

Well, no, that's how I felt.

It's tight because you get to watch it.

Dude, I was like, PBS is pretty bullshit.

That's the premise of that show: Reading is super gay.

That's for kids.

Yeah.

No, the cool kids' shows to watch were like

Ren and Stimpy, fucking Terminator, South Park, South Park.

That was a movie.

Stern on Eve.

Yeah, I watched fucking parkour pornography.

Racist pornography.

Yeah, two racist people fighting.

Triumph of the will.

Birth of a nation.

That was my favorite.

My favorite movie growing up.

Birth of a nation.

Rape at gunpoint information films.

Yeah, that was footage of soldiers in Iraq gang raping sus.

A video of

those Chechens Chechens sticking a combat knife underneath a Russian young Russian soldier's trachea sawing through it above a pile of rocks.

I watched that more than Sesame's.

I was

eaten my cereal.

The Nick Berg video.

Yeah, my cartel executions.

Well, I had a special type of Applejack so in the back, you had to connect the dots and draw Muhammad.

I got to tell you, nothing has gotten me quite as hard as drawing a really beautiful picture of Muhammad.

I was trying to do a fucking joke for like months last year.

It's like funny in my head, but it just bombed every time I did it live about going to a police sketch artist and just describing Muhammad.

It's funny, right?

But I fucking just frowns all around.

I don't know if that's me or just audiences, or I'm just an idiot.

No, that's hilarious.

No, it's the audience.

It's always the audience.

The thing is, is like, even if you're the shittiest comedian in the world, you're probably still a better comedy audience member than the majority of like comedy audiences.

So it's always the audience, yeah.

You know, it did seem like one of those things where people were like, Yeah, is this okay?

It's just like rampant.

What I like, this is a big inconsistency I like to point out: is so people are flabbergasted that they could be offended that you could draw Muhammad.

Like, well, how could you get offended?

Yet, here we're not allowed to draw swastikas in the library.

They ask you to leave, they ask you to replace all those copies of The Sorcerer's Stone.

but i said i only drew it on seven pages and it's not even permanent marker it's i only drew it on pages 14 yeah i did it in gel pens so you have to reimburse me for the ink from my gel pens my milky pens you have to do a flipbook to even make it all come together you know no one's gonna do that shit i want all my fucking stickers back

all my lisa frank stickers that i drew out swastikas with and the copying sorcerer's stone i remember this is why libraries suck dude yeah dude yeah it's 1984, man.

No, I used to love that shit, dude.

I would go there, play Carmen San Diego, play Oregon Trail.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's that poor kid shit, dude.

Before we had video games, my mom would just take us there and then we'd go shop at the bullshit, like that fake grocery store where you got cereal and like

40-pound bags.

It's just fucking

great value.

Like the great value store.

God, everything.

Just dog food.

The meat was so bad, dude, at those grocery stores.

The meat was just horrendous.

It was so fucking

dollar stores and shit, right?

Huh?

You're talking about like dollar stores.

It was like a dollar.

It was like a dollar.

It's the grocery stores where they don't have the floors finished.

Yeah, it's just bare concrete.

Dude, Costco's nice.

Yeah, well, that's like a membership Costco because they save money and they also pay their employees real well.

Yeah, Costco's a good company.

That's why they can't afford the floors.

No, yeah.

There's like grocery stores where half the shit is still in a cardboard box.

Yeah, exactly.

You don't even bothering people.

Yeah, there were no bags.

The most depressing grocery store I've ever been in my entire life is at Myrtle and fucking, it's like Myrtle and Throop or Myrtle and like, you go up, there's a fucking awful smell.

There's like a hum.

Everything's like set up where you can only enter and exit one way.

So there's like

that shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ikea style.

Yeah, sort of.

But it feels like a prison.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's like barbed wire around the cat food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Someone's got to keep those fucking cat moms out of there.

Still.

The bodega cats, dude.

They come in and get a little fucking

old commando headbands.

You ever been to the

White Castle on Myrtle?

Oh, yeah.

I went there alone.

Is that closed?

No, no, no.

The one over by Legion closed, but this one down here is open.

I was riding my bike home from some bar there night or whatever, and I stopped there because

I was shitting blood for a while.

I go to the hot animal.

I had a diverticulitis.

I was just rampantly shitting blood.

What's diverticulitis?

It's like these weird fissures that form in your colon that like people get after 40, but I'm fucking 30.

You just got them from like PBR and shit.

And they get infected and then you just shit blood.

It's pretty fucking gross.

Nice.

I got it all cleared up

kind of.

But I didn't know what was happening.

So I was just like fucking having to run to the bathroom real bad a lot.

And I was riding my bike from Flatbush.

It's like 45 minutes.

So I see White Castle in the middle of the night.

It's like this, you know, bright, glowing white building.

And I'm almost kind of hungry.

So I go in there and I'm like, all right,

like, so you're shitting blood, and you're like, I could get a little fucking White Castle.

Yeah, that'll help this out.

The deal is you have to buy something, and they won't let you use the restroom.

So I order some food, and then I'm like, can I have the little fucking beep boop, you know,

fucking spy passcode for the bathroom to get in?

And I open the bathroom, and it's like, have you ever seen train spotting?

Yeah.

The worst toilet in Scotland or whatever.

Somebody just shit all over the walls.

Dude, that happened to me.

I went into the fucking bathroom in the McDonald's on Delancey, and you have to put in a quarter.

So it's not even for customers.

That's a good point.

And I go in there, dude.

Not only was there shit all over the toilet and the seat, which I'm fine.

That's happened.

It's New York.

You know, there's going to be.

There was blood.

There was fucking, someone had like cut themselves.

Yeah, yeah.

There was fucking blood all over the seat and the floor.

And it's like, get your fucking shit together, dude.

It's like, this is why you're homeless.

If you can't even shit in the toilet, you know, like that, well, like, I just need a job.

No, you need to learn shitting.

Your asshole aim is to improve.

You think you're going to be, what, like in an office, and people are just going to tell them,

oh, well, he used to be homeless.

So, you know, they got him a haircut.

And, you know, he knows how to not steal from the register anymore.

It's like some uplifting Will Smith movie.

Yeah, right.

It's to teach the guys.

The pursuit of happiness.

Yeah.

The pursuit of happiness.

The pursuit of, yeah, not shitting.

The pursuit of crackiness.

Yeah, right.

Hey,

there we are.

Yeah, there we go.

So did you shit in there, dude?

No, so I couldn't.

I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

So then I went back out, and then they gave me my food.

So then I just sat there with this disgusting White Castle food.

I just couldn't stop thinking about the fucking horrific scene I just saw.

Like trying to eat it while having to shit really bad and almost just wanted to throw up.

Horrible.

And I just fucking threw the food away and went home.

Did you make it home?

Did you shit your pants?

I made it home.

Nice.

Yeah.

Also, I saw this on the way home.

Yeah.

I saw, I just, I was on a bike, so I got like, it was real cold, so I couldn't really stop.

I just saw this.

You ever seen Into the Mouth of Madness?

No.

Yeah.

Remember that weird scene of that guy on the bicycle?

That's the Sam Neal movie, right?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

That weird fucking just passing in the night, ghostly guy on a bicycle.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

So I that's such a weird movie, dude.

Oh, yeah.

It's like the movie where John Carpenter just went way too far with shitty special effects.

It's like, what the fuck happened to you?

It's ridiculous.

He made all the guitar solos himself.

Yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Well, he's a great musician.

I mean, there's half of a fucking Carpenter movie is the score.

And they're great.

I mean, Christine is fucking amazing.

We just re-watched Christine the other night.

Well, I like it.

I purchased

as a tax writer.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, anyway, so I saw these two Hasidic Jews, right?

And this is like middle of fucking nowhere, Brooklyn.

Why do people specify Hasidic Jews?

Well, because they had that.

You're going to be talking about Hasidic Coptic Christians.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

High seeds.

All right.

I'm a Hasidic Muslim.

Well, that's right.

I shouldn't assume they could have been just dressed up.

What's the deal with Carl saying the whole thing?

Yeah.

Jerry bits.

Sorry, I'm not cutting off for any reason.

This is just how I kill time on the show.

Yeah, no, it's by making someone else's story take 45 minutes.

I read you loud and clear, man.

Also, this does it's not really going anywhere except.

Saws that do that in real life.

Yeah, no, I don't.

At the show, not to everybody, just to you, dude.

That's part of you.

I'll treat you like Adam.

Come on.

Only for the purposes of show business.

Show our guests the respect you don't show our good friends.

To be a fan.

To be a white man.

To be awesome.

To be happy with the blue eyes.

To be Aryan.

No one knows what it's like to be Aryans.

No one knows what it's like.

Why aren't there any like alt-right guys who are like beautiful ass Aryan motherfuckers?

And you know what's fucked up is those guys don't have any kind of guilt.

If you're like some beautiful, handsome, you know, Nordic, whatever.

You're not like, fuck, dude, I'm the worst one.

Yeah.

They don't have that.

They're like, we have to make a house out of Legos and,

you know, eat the raw fish.

I don't know, whatever the fuck is.

I've been to Ikea three times in the last two weeks.

What were these hot seats doing, Jake?

Oh, okay, so one of them's walking, the other one, like, they're both like six-foot-tall, full-grown men.

One of them's just up on the other guy's shoulders like a toddler, and he's just got his arms out like Mecha Shiva style for adventure wheelers.

And, like, I just fucking was like, I'm going too fast.

I can't turn around and ask them what this is.

But it was like spooky as fuck.

Wait, sorry.

They were doing like piggyback rides.

Yeah.

But on top of the other one's shoulders.

Like acrobats.

Like a fucking.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's like a dancing.

That's like a thing.

Oh, they're practicing their dancing yeah yeah maybe they had to go to a bottle it's called Hasidic Showtime

don't go around looking for pennies yeah yeah

don't a bunch of hussies like fuck

Schnau's time a bunch of them Schnoz time fuck uh trans uh hookers really yeah that makes sense it makes sense why because if you repress your sexuality to that degree that's you have to it just explodes yeah you're also you know it's like it's like the veterans that come back and they pretend like they don't have PTSD and they just don't get it treated.

And then eventually they fucking go on a killing spoon.

They're also separated from women for like until they get married.

So they definitely have like latent homosexuality.

So if they fuck hookers, you know, like.

Do you think they suck each other off and shit?

Yeah, well, we talked about this before.

There's that documentary about

gay chases.

Nice.

Did you hear about the guy that went rogue in New York like a few years ago and they threw bleach in his face?

No, what happened?

No, he tried to leave?

Yeah, well, he started exposing like, you know, these crazy sex.

All the molestation and shit.

Damn.

They threw fucking bleach in his face.

Damn, is he all right?

Those eyebrows look amazing.

His mustache is completely hidden.

They bleach him and he's like, oh,

and then he looks up and he's a good beautiful Aryan man.

No, he's Lila.

It's like Squidward, remember that episode of SpongeBob, where they make him sexy as shit.

My only exposure to SpongeBob is through black memes.

Yeah, there's a meme.

Black people love SpongeBob.

It's crazy.

First of all, SpongeBob's great.

They love Arthur and they love it.

I never got into it.

You didn't?

You never got into that.

I thought you meant they love Dudley more, Arthur.

I was like, what?

Yeah, yeah.

I did not know about this.

When you get lost between the moon and New York City.

I've never seen that one.

I know it's crazy.

The best of you be do

is fall in love with

Yeah,

I've only seen the remake with Christopher Cross with Christopher Cross hot take

the greatest musician of all time

I agree dude

I think he's up there yeah dude for sure he's a fucking beast yeah he's great dude I love just how like what a fat piece of shit he is I think the best musician is dumpy just wearing like wearing cotton pants and slippers

all those guys that make that like ultra romantic adult contemporary just look like Steve Bannon and shit.

He looked like cleaned up Blake.

Yeah, well,

that makes a lot of sense.

Blanken 100% made.

Do you still see Blake?

What's he up to?

Yeah, I see him around a bit.

He just works at that fucking ball.

He's got a lifestyle that he just, you know, any other normal human being would have had to have quit like 15 years ago.

It's insane.

Like, I don't really, but the thing is, like, what he's doing is it's all based on inertia.

Like, because every once in a while I've seen him in a moment where where he's like, I got to clean up, I got to quit.

Oh, he's been like that as long as I've ever known him.

But it'll last for like a day, and he's like visibly shaking.

He's just like vibrating and shit, and he freaks out.

And the next time you see him, he's like back to just partying and stuff.

What's his lifestyle?

Fetus.

His lifestyle was in being in a successful band like 25 years ago.

What was the band?

Slave 99.

Yeah, he was in Slave.

He looks like,

well, Blake's original name was Dave Matthews.

Blake was in Delimitri,

and after their success and downfall, he

just continued part.

I mean, yeah, he's just.

Well, we just both moved here around the same time, and we were like, all right, comedy, right?

And then he just

got a job at like a party bar and just like did massive amounts of cocaine.

He's a fat comedian.

Like, it's just got bad news written on him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fat comedian dude.

Every time I see him, I'm like, how's it going?

He's like, great.

And I'm like,

really?

really?

Yeah, he either internalizes all of it or he's just one of those people that doesn't

give a shit.

Yeah.

I mean, sometimes I think, like, maybe I'm wrong.

Blake's never seemed like he's been depressed as long as I've known him.

Yeah, except that.

Nobody seems happy.

Somebody lost his dog to, you know, when it moved.

Child care.

Yeah, yeah.

Child protective services.

Dog protective services.

Canine protective services.

Yeah.

The funniest shit was when Nick told me you were at a bar with Blake and he was hitting on a girl, and then some other dude that,

like, a nerdier version of Blake, like, cocked him.

Some other, because Blake was talking to this girl for like two hours, and then some other guy was like, My lady, my I walk you to the train, and then she was like, Okay, and then they just left and went and fucked.

Blake's like, Yeah, I don't like her, anyways.

It's like that other Homer Simpson that walks into Moe's, yeah, yeah, yeah, with the top hat and the fucking

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Well, R.I.P., Blake.

Yeah, too bad he died.

Yeah.

Yeah, what were we talking about before that?

Christopher Cross?

Christopher Cross?

Christopher Cross.

I had a story about Jewish shit.

Yeah, he had to go for it.

Mice.

Wait, can I interject this?

Did I ever tell that story about seeing

the Hasidic fire department and laughing about

laughing about the Hasid fire department showing up to a fire like, uh-uh-uh,

not so much water, Jacob.

A little bit less, perhaps.

It's expensive water.

You know, you have a garden hose.

He's stepping on it.

He's stepping on it.

Just take it easy with all the water you're using here.

Oh, fuck, that's funny.

Yeah.

What's your Jew story?

My sister was engaged to a Jewish guy, and he took me to,

I can't remember which holiday, but it was the one where they dance around with the Torah.

Halloween.

Halloween, yeah.

It was at a

store with just a ghost on the front.

Yeah, and

he was like, hey, like, under his breath, like, come over here, you know, you're kind of like swarthy looking, like, just like, yeah, just hold it and dance for a little bit.

It's really funny, you know.

And

I'm not Jewish.

I'm like, half Mexican and shit.

He's Mexican Jews.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Yeah.

The trick is, if the name ends with a Z, that's how you know they're

Mexican Jews.

Actually, I looked that up.

I might be like in the part Jew, like somewhere back there, but I'm not like a practice.

Yeah, you got a couple of Z's in there.

Yeah, that was going to say.

That's why Mexicans love putting Z's in there.

That's what I'm like.

Talking to him about afterwards, like, oh, that was funny.

That was kind of a goof, you know, like you think they would get mad, you know?

And he's like, they'd get pretty mad but if they if they but if a woman danced with this fucking thing they would kill her like

it was like so unfair it's like why is that a slap on the wrist if i'm openly bashing your religion here

um

that shit's awesome dude yeah religion's tight especially when they treat the way they treat yeah i saw i saw a fucking uh like two acidic women on the train and one of them had her like you know pocket tour or whatever and she's reading it and she's like you know mouthing all of the words and like bobbing bobbing up and down to it and in my head i just started like doing the like lose yourself in the moment

that was a good laugh for me dude i want to save one i want to save a

hacidic woman with her her wig i want to reduce she would she would never leave the church again huh if you if she if i'm trying to dick her down good dude for the the way of fucking you know

secular life dude yeah i got the secular dick for that ass well what you should go do is hang out in like lancaster Pennsylvania, and get all those rum spring attempts.

Hell yeah, dude.

Girls gone rum spring.

Now we're talking, dude, let's go.

Let's go to a fucking market again.

I love going to Amish markets and making eye contact with the women.

That is my favorite shit to do.

Just hold the eye contact as long as you can.

Which is a type of sexual assault, probably.

You know?

It's definitely crossing a boundary.

But, you know, maybe I'm just grateful about how good their soft pretzels are.

Yeah, they do have great fried chicken.

Oh, holy shit, dude.

The food is amazing.

Great fried chicken, great toffee.

Which is weird because it makes me think, like, you know, people talk about how hard it must have been to live in the 1800s.

It's like, it seems like the food was amazing.

But did you get it, though?

That's all you have in your life is fucking food.

So they would make food that tasted really good.

No, dude, they were like eating gruel and shit day to day.

No, you know, actually, in

the late 1800s, if you made it out of

not accounting for

the mortality rate of children and pregnant women or whatever.

Yeah, women having children.

If you take that out, people had the same lifespans they do now.

Really?

You weren't a woman or were never a child.

Yeah.

Because their diets were great because they ate nothing but fucking beets.

Right, right.

They had good.

And yeah, it was like.

And there was no fucking...

You weren't getting cancer from yourself.

The best thing for you for longevity is like calorie restriction more than anything.

I don't know, man.

I went to a taco bell in that part of the country one time, and they asked me if I want ranch dressing, like my shitty tacos.

That sounds pretty good, dude.

This is disgusting.

Well, cancer is anytime you eat anything, I mean, there's a chemical process happening in your body, and you increase the risk for a cell mutation, free radicals, and anything that can cause cancer.

So, if you could perfect your body by doing nothing but cocaine all the time, so you don't need food, you would live forever.

You'd just be a cocaine vampire.

I think we discovered Blake's secret.

Oh, yeah.

I subsist off pussy juice alone.

That's what I'm trying to get.

An IV?

Yeah, I've used an IV of pussy juice.

Yeah, an I-V-A-G-I-N-A.

You just wear a wristband if you go to the hospital.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a medical alert bracelet.

I wanted to get one of those for the NYC Guido voice account and just have like get a couple of them.

And, you know, one would say like diabetes, and they would say high blood pressure i told you about this idea yeah because you were going to use my wrist yeah i was going to use your fat fucking hand and wrist one that says diabetes heart pressure official hands yeah

by the way heart pressure and then one that just says marinara and then you take a picture of the hand holding like magnum condoms and it just says only thing i use baby yeah yeah

with all the medical alert bracelets clearly visible that's very good that was the idea we'll do it i don't know i remember going to the place and seeing how much the medical alert bracelets cost

Although I was broke at the time.

They were a lot, dude.

They weren't fucking cheap at all.

What, like five bucks?

No, they were more than that.

They were like $15.20.

What?

Yeah.

Just go to the hospital because you're shitting blood and then give a fake name.

Yeah.

And then you're saying, I think I'm allergic to marinara.

You put that on the medical alert bracelet.

Yeah.

Dude, it's worth it.

That's a write-off, dude.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, I only use Magnums too, so I have a lot in common with that.

Yeah, you can write off condoms if you're buying prostitutes.

What if you went to like the bunny ranch?

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah.

If it's a business trip, yes.

It's a business trip, boys.

We got to go.

Come town goes to Cometown.

We got our meeting with the Japanese coming up.

That's right.

You know how much.

Prime Minister Yosef Hama Moshi Meeting.

I wrote off $2 billion in sharking expenses.

It's our big meeting with the Japanese.

Oh, man.

That'd be so funny if there were just three Japanese guys that looked like you guys.

Well Adam looks Japanese.

The bukaki boy.

Adam dresses like a Manhattan Japanese boy.

Yeah, that's a compliment, I think.

You go skull cap that's like perfectly rolled so it's in a circle around your head where there's no, you know,

grating to the back of your head.

And then they wear like triple XL shirts and then tight black jeans.

Yeah.

And they smoke cigarettes like French models and fucking go in and out of the stores on St.

Mark's.

You know, a really weird thing is like no matter what university campus you're at in the United States, there's a crew of like high-beast Korean and Japanese kids smoking a thousand cigarettes outside the library.

Yeah.

For some reason, they just send them over to the United States, and that's all.

Remember that video that UCLA girl?

They're like, there's too many freaking Asians in the library.

That's my wife, by the way.

No, no, I didn't mean that.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

25-minute long tirade.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was doing a satirical character based on someone that looks and sounds exactly like me.

You know how those unhinged stream of consciousness rants can be really well played.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That you edit and then upload.

First of all, nothing ever uploads to YouTube properly the first time.

It takes nine or ten tries to fucking get anything to upload.

What about that girl that beat off in the library?

Let's not forget other great great girls.

Sunderled.

Yeah, what's her name?

Something Sunderland.

She had some juicy shit around that.

She's been in Marquette.

She's been on Kumiya's show.

Yeah.

Oh, she has?

Yeah.

Is she doing porn now?

She was already doing porn when that happened.

She's an absolute ledge.

Absolutely ledge.

She's a massive.

She's a definite ledge.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I also married that woman.

I fucked your wife, bitch.

God damn it.

All right, folks.

Well, thanks for joining us.

Remember to check out Jake's show.

I don't know if it's this is not going to air for like a month.

Oh man, my podcast will be up by then.

Yeah, so listen to Mr.

Cleo.

It's a fake psychic hotline where I'm drunk.

Hell yeah, dude.

Cool.

Is it on iTunes or

as always?

Sorry, I stepped on you.

As always, Funny Mob's the fourth Monday of the month.

They come on everybody.

Yes, bitch.

You can find us there.

Yep, okay.

All right.

Bye.

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