Ep. 42 – Will “Smith” Menaker

We're starting this one off mid-conversation.

Big Dick Will Meneker's back.

Yeah.

Big thick dick.

Why?

Why Dick?

That's the alliteration.

Billy.

It's the girl.

Thick dick.

Yeah, if it counts.

Was she go rhyming or alliteration?

Should it be why Dick Will or?

It's Billy.

It's Billy?

Yeah, it's Big Thick Dick Bill.

All right, Billy.

Why Dick Billy, dude?

We got into a conversation.

I was telling Will, we were watching one of the Holodeck episodes of Star Trek Next Generation last night.

With my sexy-ass little, that Greek, that Greek woman with the nice juices in every episode.

Marmartina Citrus.

Oh, yeah, dude.

He was not familiar with Counselor Troy.

No, dude.

I've missed a lot of that.

She is, you know, she's the empath.

So she gets to dress sexy and just be like a therapist for her.

That's what I love.

Her character was created to explain empathy to the fucking autistic morons that they're in the star trend.

They're like, what do you mean caring about other people?

They're like, well, she's an alien.

They're like, oh, I guess that's.

She has an alien ability to discern people's moods and emotions.

Right.

They had to create an otherworld character to explain it.

And she had to have juicy-ass titties for them to pay attention to.

Well, that's what she used to feel their emotions.

Every Star Trek iteration has the sexy woman.

Sure.

And they fucked up.

I think we mentioned this on the show before, but when they did Voyager, they were like, we're not going to do that this time.

We have a female captain.

Torres is kind of hot, but in a spicy Latino way.

She's like the fucking hoop earring Klingon.

She's half Klingon on voice.

She's half Klingon.

She's full Klingon, but that'd be like that's too much.

Well, that's what her name is.

I always thought she was more like, oh, Torres.

She's half Puerto Rican, half Klingon, which Jesus Christ.

Oh, boy.

You know what?

Honestly, I think that might be real.

I think there's women like that in the Bronx that are legitimately half Klingon.

Fucked up foreheads.

They do honor killings.

I got a feast of warp drive.

I don't have Conference.

No, but then the ratings are down, so then they just invented invented out of all cloth, the sexy robot,

the sexy Borg seven.

Jerry Ryan.

Yeah, we've talked about the actress, she's so hot.

Which then she's insanely hot.

Because she did so well for Voyager, they added her on to other shows on UPN.

They had

a starring episode with Jerry Ryan on Sentinel.

She was on Boston Public, too.

She was on Boston Public, but that was Fox.

She was on the Waynes Brothers show.

Yeah, they would add Jerry Ryan to other shows.

Slight digression: the actress Jerry Ryan was married to the Congressman.

She was married to a Republican congressman from Illinois, I think.

Who took her to sex clubs?

Yes, yes.

They got divorced because he took her to some sort of sex club in Paris and made her do things she was uncomfortable with.

That sucks, Jerry.

Jerry, if you're listening, I know you are.

I'd never treat you that way.

She's probably so fine.

I love, too, that the way they stereotype the sexless Asian Ensign Kim into being falling over his dick for the robot character

in that show.

Didn't you troll him on Twitter once?

I did.

Yeah, I got into a big argument with Garrett Wang, the guy that plays Nson Kim.

What?

Because I was explaining to him, I was like, well, you know, I was like,

I asked him, I was like, is Space China different than regular China?

And he was like, what do you mean?

I'm like, in the Star Trek universe, Space China that Nson Kim comes from.

And he got edited me, and he's like, Ensign Kim is Korean.

And I was like, he most certainly is not.

I I know for a fact that Nson Kim is not a Korean character.

Kim is a Korean name, but that's because the writers didn't give a shit.

They just named the Chinese guy Kim.

And he was like, Kim is a Korean surname.

And I was like, Again, the character's not.

And then I went through YouTube and I actually found a video of Garrett Wang at a Star Trek convention panel explaining that Nson Kim is Chinese

and that the writers gave him the wrong name.

And I was like, Yeah, well, here's you, fucking.

Kim, that is such a a good dunk.

He was like, What's your problem, man?

But honestly, he's right.

What is your problem?

Who fucking who does all that research to troll Ensign Kim or whatever his name is?

I just happen to know that Garrett Wang.

Garrett Wang.

Which, by the way, Garrett Wang, hilarious name.

Yeah.

No, I used to ask him about Gates McFadden, and if she was like, okay, because her Twitter is pretty fucking crazy.

She's a doll of herself as like Dr.

Crusher.

Crusher that she plays with.

Crusher could get it, too.

She's fire.

She was.

The original

hook for this was how

Star Trek, the writers of basically every one of the Star Trek series, like wrung so much out of the holodeck conceit, and then at least every season there would be one all-holodeck episode that were always miserable.

Yeah.

Just terrible in every way.

This because they got lazy about writing space shit, so they were like, ah, fuck it, it, let's just write Maltese Falcon.

The exit button got broken.

So, yeah, it's going to, and you know what?

It's lazy writing because all of the characters are these like god characters

where it doesn't matter how the story progresses because they always know they can leave the holodeck.

Right.

So they present like, you know, the conceit of this one was that there's some, you know, like a jade monkey or whatever that this mob boss needs, and Picard is like the private eye that has access to it.

But they never have to address any part of that story because Picard's like, they think I have something they need.

Isn't that funny?

Well, there was once where they're laughing when the guy gets shot.

Oh, yeah, which, by the way, they go, we've brought along our fiction officer.

And it's like, so that guy's just going to be dead.

You're never going to see him again.

Well, there was one where

Data kept doing...

holodeck scenarios where he would play as like Sherlock Holmes or something.

And again, this is sort of like a shout out to the show's fan base of like, you know, using games to teach you about literature.

and real

life.

But like, it was like some conceit.

The conceit of that episode is that like, again, they get stuck in the holodeck and they go through some sort of cosmic radiation and it makes the Moriarty character self-aware and deadly and like actually kill you in the holodeck.

And again, just like don't have a holodeck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, the only time it was actually useful, I think, was like on Voyager with the Tuvok Ponfar episode where

the Vulcans, they have to fuck.

They can only fuck every seven years, but they have to fuck or they die.

Yeah, they just go insane.

Yeah, they just go fucking crazy.

That's it.

Is that like seven-year nut just builds up in my brain?

Their balls must be so heavy on

year six.

Wait, wait, T-Voc.

What was the black Vulcan?

Vulcans are, yeah.

Vulcans are no fap.

You know, save it till Mary.

Gorilla Mindset.

They're autists.

They're real mindset guys.

But then they have a very logical breaking point of seven years because you can't, you know,

be no fat that long.

So, but in Voyager, the idea behind the show is that they get trapped in the Delta quadrant.

So, they're so far away from anyone they've ever seen before.

And so they hit the seven-year mark, and there's no one for Tuvak to fuck, so they have to just let him fuck in the holiday.

And I love, I love, I always like, because, you know, I mean, it's a room that it's a hologram, right?

And then they have enough ability to manipulate the physics of the hologram so that you can touch the hologram.

Texture and stuff.

But anything that's produced in the hologram isn't made out of whatever substrate material that the hologram creates.

So if you're in, all I'm saying is there's got to be just buckets of calm on the hole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The floors are caked up.

Yeah, like there's some like, you know, Starfleet Ensign, like the Will Wheaton character, like part of his duty would be actually just like mopping down

like fucking Travis Bickle's cab.

Well, Will Wheaton's such a perfect good boy on the show that he actually lives solely off-com.

He's a 100%

celestial being.

He's good.

He's in touch with the universe.

I like the idea that there's some kind of video feed without the hologram, so you just see the guy fucking in space, like in air, and you just see like his dick fucking bumping, and there's no pussy around it.

I want to see that shit, dude.

I want to see the feed, the uncut feed, without the holograms.

Yeah.

He's wearing a Sherlock Holmes outfit.

Yeah, he's still in costume with his dick out.

Yeah.

And I love, too, that the dumb shit that they're obsessed with in the holodeck is always things that baby boomers like.

Yeah.

Like the idea that in the year 2630 that somebody's...

Tom Parris on Voyager, he's always working on a Camaro.

Like a 1970 Camaro.

That's like the equivalent of nowadays, like hobbyists build their own tribuche

manuscript.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

15th century.

Right, no, but not only being interested in it as a part of history, but because he's like, this thing, man, it's got fucking 240

horsepower at the wheels.

And it's like

you're literally traveling faster than light to a different galaxy.

Yeah, you're getting moon pussy left and right, my man.

You care about fucking horsepower.

Well,

the one iteration of Star Trek that I thought

sort of

did the most or at least acknowledged that the holodecks would mainly be used for pornography and just jacking off is Deep Space Nine.

Deep Space Nine is the only good story.

That's my favorite series, but like Cork's Bar, he's always like renting out the holodeck, but it's clear that he's just like a sleazy fleshmonger or whatever.

Oh, the Frankies are Jewish.

It took them a while to just be like, let's just do a Jewish character.

And then they went all out.

Like, the nose would be too obvious.

So there were giant ears together.

I don't know about that

anything can be had for a price

gold press latinum they're so ghoulish oh yeah they were into coins and stuff they loved gold coins

seriously no they really they were obsessed with gold coins yeah

they play you do a spin in the spinning top game to win the gold coins the sexy girl on ds9 was like pretty dax was like pretty moderate and she was probably the hottest of all the star trek women dax yeah yeah definitely Yeah, and the captain was Obama.

Yeah, the captain was Obama.

Who was old friends with Dax, so they had this weird homosexual relationship.

Well, the conceit with Dax is that she is like a hybrid of

she looks like basically like a human woman with some like freckles on the side.

But her body is host to this like alien worm that contains the memories of all of her all of its past hosts.

So she's like an amalgam of like 10 or 12 different people's life experiences.

And Cisco was boys with whoever that worm infected.

Oh, shit.

So this basically Dax is a woman that got herpes from Cisco's friend.

And he's like, good to see you, old man.

He calls her old man all the time.

Does that mean she knows how to fuck so good?

She knows how to fucking shit.

Yeah, exactly.

She knows how to suck one.

Guys know what guys like.

That's why it's called Deep Space Nine.

Dick's back walls nine.

We said the always.

Oh, fuck.

We definitely said Dick Suck Nine the first time we talked about him.

Dick S9.

What's a good show?

I was like,

I didn't know that Odo, I found out recently because I don't remember seeing it on the show, that he just sleeps in a bucket.

Yeah.

He just turns back into like a bucket of cum.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah.

Which is so disgusting.

My girlfriend's watching some fucking show that's like horny Harry Potter right now.

Some show called The Magicians.

Okay, hell yeah.

And I've been like internet because I don't give a shit about any of that.

But it's like, you know, it's fucking, they're like, it's some fucking kid with his stupid emo haircut, and then he finds out he's a wizard for real.

You know, literally, they just stole,

you know, but he's like 19 or whatever.

He's got emo haircut and a messenger bag and like a fucking colorful tie.

You know, like a

he rides a longboard to work.

Yeah.

And I guess I like, I caught an episode she was watching the other day, and she's like, well, now they're in the magical world from the books.

And it's like, okay, I guess this is, it's very similar to Harry Potter.

They're all the same thing.

But then they visit this like goat character, this homosexual goat character.

A pan figure.

A pan figure that's supposed to be a god that created this magic world.

And I'm like half paying attention.

And he hands a cup of his cum

to the magicians.

I'm like, what the f is that just his cum?

She's like, yeah.

She's like, it like makes sense in this story.

What?

They all just have to take a sip or something?

They give it to the fucking girl who's supposed to be the hero and she has to drink his cum.

What?

It's literally his cum.

He beats off the fucking fucking had the props department create a jar of cum.

It looks like cum.

Yes, it looks like cum and she has to drink the jar of cum.

It's magic, so it tastes like frosting.

And it's well, it's like supposed to be

the vampire slayer, but there's a cum drinking element, which I guess you were supposed to assume that British scientist that was helping Buffy was doing anyway.

He was sneaking his cum.

Oh, yeah.

Like that dentist, that went.

Sorry I didn't answer the phone.

I was busy reading about a demon from 500 years ago.

Apply this to your skin.

No, actually, I never got into Buffy.

I really don't give a shit about Joss Whedon at all.

Yeah, I neither.

I never watched it.

I wasn't really into Buffy, but that guy, Angel, the woman he fucked with.

Charisma Boreanis.

David Boreanis is Angel.

Yeah, but his girlfriend.

He's David Boring Anus.

Come here, got a boring ass.

Look at it.

Ain't got no wrinkles.

Looks like a little Cheerio.

That's kind of a cute ass.

That doesn't sound boring at all, honestly.

You can have some fun with that ass.

No, Charisma Carpenter, who played someone in that shit.

Oh, boy, did I beat off to her?

Big motherfucking tale.

Angel?

She was unbelievable.

Allison Hennigan became hot from American Pie because for some reason everyone interpreted that feel like she put a flute in her pussy.

Yeah, which does not make you hot.

No, it makes you weird.

It makes you weird as you can.

I don't know.

It's pretty cool.

Would I imagine that that's very pleasurable?

No, it's all knobby.

And she's just like, it's all fucking like, yeah, this cold piece of metal that's like thin and colored.

Go to Spencer's, get a dildo.

They're all over the place.

Maybe you suck a flute in your asshole.

Maybe that would

be a little bit tight.

How did it feel?

Well, I just love that Jason's character in that movie is like, wait, you have a pa-po-po-po-poo-hussy?

Yeah.

That movie sucks.

That movie does.

Also, very bad.

What's the because, yeah, he tries to fuck the hot girl, but he comes too quick.

Yeah.

Or he can't get hard.

What is it?

He just comes in a loser.

He comes in his pants.

That's a win, as far as I'm concerned.

That sucks.

He fucked her.

He comes in his pants on Skype in front of his whole school.

That technology did not not exist back then.

It barely works now.

They're like, yeah, he's video conferencing with the entire school.

Also, why would you ever do that?

You're about to fuck for the first time.

Well, that's like a Return of Kings thing.

They say you should videotape all your sexual encounters

in case a woman accuses you of rape.

Oh, so, like, in case a woman, just to prevent a woman from falsely accusing you of rape, you should just videotape her without your camera.

Yeah.

Well, I just love theater raper.

These sexlessless men with fucking 19 security cameras all pointing at their bed in their mom's apartment.

You know, they're like,

the mom's like, oh, Richard, why is the electricity bill so high this month?

It's like, mom, leave my cameras alone.

I remember when I protected both of us.

I only fuck in a panic room.

Yeah.

Well,

I make the woman sign a charter written in cursive and sealed with blood and wax at the end.

I remember one time I was looking for weed in my college.

It was like one of those terrible college houses that ever, you know, just eight people lived in.

It was just, you go in and out or whatever.

I just barged into my friend's room, and I just found,

I was looking for weed on his desk and shit, and I like, he had like one of those books, like a hollow book.

And there was a fucking video camera pointing to his fucking bed.

This guy definitely, it was like one of those like, like, you know, when they record a babysitter without their knowledge.

This guy was

never want to watch myself fuck.

God knows.

Oh, it's God knows.

I would love to.

I would love to see what I got in the mix.

You have nothing.

Dude, I got nice moves.

You could videotape it, and you would never get hard again.

Dude, for sure.

As soon as you saw the lack of movement, just your fucking fat ass

dimpling.

I have a beautiful ass, number one,

especially for a fat man.

But I think I would surprise you with the tenacity with which I fuck, the heart.

You know, I'm a scrapper.

I know I'm not fucking.

You've got coachability.

I've got coachability.

I definitely have coachability.

I'll do whatever needs to do.

It would look like your thighs are trying to give your stomach the Heimlich maneuver.

Dude, my sword would look from behind.

Look at this shit, dude.

Look at his muscles, dude.

I don't know if that's muscle.

You'd play back the video, and then it would be like, computer, enhance.

And then, like, you'd see the woman checking her phone or something.

Adam.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would be like

unenhanced.

Oh, unenhanced.

Unenhanced.

De-enhancing.

Computer, totally.

Before you can see her texting her friends.

I think it's the same to what I, Adam, I've talked to you about one of our favorite Instagram guys.

What is it?

The Nick 420 California.

Yeah, yeah.

The guy who likes it.

Nick Weed.

Nick Weed, yeah, the guy who just like literally does an Instagram video of him like smoking weed every fucking day.

I wouldn't, like, it's the same thing.

Like, if you showed me a video of every time I did drugs, I would like kill myself or go straight to rehab.

Absolutely, dude.

I remember me and my friend started skateboarding when we were like fucking like 11 or 12.

And then my friend got like a video camera and was like, yo, we go, oh, let's do jackass.

Let's do a skate video.

Let's shoot ourselves skateboarding.

And it's like, I'm going to go home.

Just fucking like how the lack of coordination.

Ollies, yeah.

The fact that you're going to like ollie down three stairs.

You can ollie onto it.

That's curved.

Right, yeah.

Dude, not you just falling down stairs with a piece of wood underneath you.

That's exactly what happened to me.

I was playing basketball in like...

I was like part of the Greek Orthodox Youth of America Basketball League.

Do you play on carpet court?

Yeah,

literally

in my gym at the fucking church, it was like bullshit carpet.

But I was at this fucking tournament, and I stuffed some kid, and I was like, oh my God, I fucking...

And my mom just happened to be there with a fucking video camera.

I was like, this is going to be fucking awesome.

I just imagined myself like fucking getting four feet off the ground and just like spiking in this fucking kid's face.

And it was, like,

I was a centimeter off the ground.

The kid was like 5'3.

You know, there was like nothing impressive about it whatsoever.

Maybe you guys are onto something.

If I watched myself fuck, it would probably be so sexually quick.

Yeah, I mean, I do a bit about watching myself eat pussy.

It's the absolute worst thing in the entire world.

I'd like to watch myself eat pussy.

No, like I'm watching fun.

How did you accomplish that?

Because,

well, I was filming her going down on me, and then I started going down on her, and I couldn't, I didn't have like the dexterity to film and eat pussy.

So you just gave her the camera.

So she took the camera, and then I just watched myself just like so emotionally eating a pussy.

She's like, there's so much earnestness and like love in the way that I was eating her pussy.

And it was just like to see myself that vulnerable.

From that perspective, it probably looked like you were nuscling your face into Dan Hidea's back.

I looked like a fucking board secretary pinching a phone in between their cheek and their shoulder.

No, sir, we're out of stock.

No, No, they won't be in stock.

I don't know when they're going to be back in stock, sir.

But that's because you don't enjoy fucking, dude.

Yeah, I don't enjoy anything, though.

Exactly.

That's what I mean.

You have no joy in your life.

That's why.

I think I would.

That's the medical term for that is being really fucking cool.

Being too cool for sure.

But Staff, back to your friend who was

surreptitiously assumed videotaping himself for sexual women, you know, which is a crime.

Totally.

No, I don't like that guy at all.

I was trying to steal his weed.

For the record.

He was like,

the sort of obsession with guys

filming themselves.

Is that a crime?

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, for sure.

To record someone without their permission.

Well, you can do it in public.

Because it's like an expectation of privacy.

Like, if you go outside and just start taping somebody on the street, that's illegal.

I think basically filming you

having sex with a woman without her consent is basically assault.

Also, there's.

I'm saying I believe it's fucked up to do that.

I don't know if it's illegal or not.

I think for sure it is.

But yeah, like the obsession with guys who are obsessed with recording themselves having sex.

And I'm wondering if you guys have seen one of my favorite films of all time, Auto Focus.

Oh, yeah.

The Bob Crane story.

I've seen it.

Yeah.

Dude, it's okay.

It's directed by Paul Schrader, and it stars Greg Kinnear and Will Millie.

Hell yes.

In a

100% true story of the life and times of Hogan's Hero star Bob Crane.

He descented to sex-addicted madness and swinging.

And like, this is at the very dawn of like videotape technology and shit.

And he just became

obsessed with filming himself and recording,

photographing himself, having sex with hundreds of different women in this weird, like homoerotic, codependent relationship with this guy who is his best friend, who eventually killed him.

Holy user alert.

You say that shit, and it's like, I kind of want that for myself.

Really?

A homosexual, codependent,

weird, borderline, homosexual relationship

with an additional heterosexual

deviancy element to it,

where it's all just convoluted and the emotions are

questionable.

The morality is as well.

That's what I want for myself.

I also kind of like the idea of the other person murdering me.

The best scene in the movie, though, is that they're like reliving their exploits or whatever, and they're like watching it on his TV through like some ancient video camera, camera, and they're just like, you know, fucking a bunch of women, and they're just like bodies everywhere, and like, and then, like, this is sort of early on in the relationship of them doing this shit.

And Greg Kinnear, the Bob Crane character, is like, wait, wait, what the fuck?

What's that?

Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, set the tape for a second.

And he just,

whose finger is that in my ass?

And then

that bull and folk character goes,

that was me.

And he goes, what the fuck, man?

And he just goes, Bob, Bob, it was a group grope.

Come on.

A fucking group grope.

Yeah, that's the Will Maniker movie recommendation for this episode.

It's

Auto Focus, directed by Paul Schrader.

Well, they ever fuck him.

Is that a good idea?

No, no, no.

Yeah, they would just...

Will Mefo wanted to fuck him, though.

Yeah, definitely.

And they would just jack off watching each other fuck other people on video and stuff.

So, you know.

Again, it's all a gray area.

It's better if it's subtext.

Have you seen John Wick 2 yet?

I have.

Is it good?

Yeah, thanks, dude.

I want to see it, dude.

It was a very satisfying sequel.

Hell yeah, dude.

Do you feel like because you have the dog, you appreciate it more?

Dude, before I watched the I re-watched the first John Wick the other week, and I hadn't seen it since getting a dog.

And I gotta say, that shit was even more

fucking lit, man.

I'm in the same boat.

So much more satisfying because, like, I mean, the plot of John, the first John Wick is so beautiful.

It's like beautiful.

It's like some asshole kills his dog.

Well, my wife died.

And in return, he literally kills 100 people.

My wife died right before that movie came out.

So you really appreciate it.

You guys remember my wife?

I do remember that bitch I married.

It was in weeks ago.

She died.

He's so much more upset about the dog.

Well, I used to live next to, growing up, I lived next door to a Vietnam vet who had this fucking van, this shitty, like late 70s Dodge van.

And on the back, it just had a sticker that said

wife and dog missing, reward for dog.

And I remember having to have my father explain that joke to me because as like a fucking spectrum ass eight-year-old, I'm like, but I don't understand why there would be a reward for the dog and not the wife.

My dad's saying, because you know, he values the dog more than his wife.

I'm like, but that doesn't make any sense.

He's like, well, that's the joke, son.

He's like, women are trash.

Or like the biker patch that is like, if you can read this, the bitch fell off.

Yeah.

That guy was a biker, too.

Of course he was.

I remember him him, like, being one time, because my memory of him from my childhood is just a pair of aviators surrounded by gray hair.

This is his big, huge beard, and he used to keep jars of piss in the garage, and he had a fucking stingray that was always underneath, like, a car cup.

When were you in his garage?

Well, they had a kid, so I mean, you know,

who I wasn't really friends with, but

he went over there, yeah, a couple times.

But yeah, I remember him one day being like, oh, I'm going to take you right on my motorcycle.

And I went home and I asked my dad, I'm like, can I go ride on their motorcycle?

My dad's like, no.

Yeah, of course not.

No, he's crazy.

He's a man.

Yeah.

Yeah, just take you somewhere I don't know where I get alone with his weirdo.

Yeah.

So you could suck your dick on a little motorcycle.

Yeah.

You know, it's people videotape themselves.

We used to hear them like fighting because their back porch faced the front of our house.

We could hear them just like 9 o'clock in the morning, fucking beer cans hitting the recycling bin.

And that is where you do a lot of wife hitting, is the back porch.

The back porch is the back porch.

Well, that's why you build a deck, dude.

And you build a deck instead of a family.

It's always weird to me when people, like, okay, they videotape themselves fucking, but people that, why are there so many people that videotape women going to the bathroom?

That was Chuck Berry's big thing.

He had a whole chain of restaurants that were literally just a front to him videotaped women going to the bottom.

Chuck Berry, the guitar guy?

Oh, yeah, the rock and roll guy.

He's the most famous guy.

But a lot of people do that shit, dude.

There should be a scene where it's fucking Marty McFlyer videotaping a woman.

I wouldn't believe this.

By the way, that scene in Back to the Future,

very racist because it once again implies that white people invented rock and roll.

Yeah, yeah, rock and roll.

Well, that's why you went Back to the Future.

You went back in time to steal rock and roll for whites.

Yeah.

No, I loved that scene specifically for that reason.

This is such a fuck you.

It's so funny.

It's so fucking hateful.

Some suburban nerd.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Chuck Berry got done for that, man.

Like, he had a whole chain of restaurants that were just literally just so he could have a hidden camera in the women's bathroom.

I don't know.

You had like a whole fucking library.

All the permits you had to get.

Yeah, like I love watching women like videotapes, man.

How much work that is to watch women?

I don't know.

This is only sort of related.

I've never fact-checked this, but there was a Johnny Rockets in D.C.

and my friend Brendan was telling me about that.

They got in trouble because the manager there, a black woman, like came in and applied for a job at Johnny Rockets, and the dipshit fast food manager was like, well, it wouldn't really fit the theme if

a black lady was working here of the 1990s.

Yeah, Johnny Rockets.

Oh, right.

They're like sort of throwback diner, like rockabilly.

And so,

huge lawsuits.

Yeah, that's incredibly illegal.

And then, like, three years later, the guy did it again, or a different guy at the restaurant did the same thing.

Yeah.

Like, it was like another discrimination lawsuit.

That's so awesome.

Because they're like, we're not allowed to say we can't hire you, but, like, we can't hire you.

I'm imagining that same conversation happening at Colonial Williamsburg.

Well, there is one job, but pay's not great.

Yeah, no, yeah, there is a position.

You know that Eric Andre bit about Colonial Williamsburg?

So fucking funny.

Colonial Williamsburg.

It's really fucking boring.

Oh, no, he also, but he also, well, no, he did the Civil War.

He would go through Civil War

as a slave.

As a slave.

That was a great business.

I told you guys, right?

Have I mentioned on the pod when I went to Gettysburg for the 150 years?

I remember you told me you went to Gettysburg and my joke question follow-up was like, did you go on ecstasy?

And you were like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I went on that.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you took E and went to the most hallowed battleground in American history.

I went with my ex-girlfriend and her husband.

Now husband.

Now husband.

Did you see that?

Animatronic, like fucking

General Lee thing that they have.

They have like this weird

room.

It's like a theater with this animatronic play that happens.

Oh, no.

It's like Disney's Hall of Presidents or whatever.

I'm recording this on President's Day.

Shout out to all the presidents.

What I love about Gettysburg is that it was a decisive victory for the Union.

But if you go to modern-day Gettysburg, Gettysburg, it's like, oh, yeah, the South definitely won.

There's nothing but fucking rednecks.

The trucks and the Confederate flag.

Well, that's redneck.

That's fireworks.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they love fireworks.

That's how I feel about the Vietnam War.

It's like, yeah, we lost, but

who's cleaning whose fat lady's feet now?

You know what I mean?

It's like, the Vietnamese.

Fuck you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, but I was on

Drugs Lair.

We were walking around, and there was like, you know, it's obviously you see the fucking Confederates, and it's like, if you're going to bring your fucking whole family, dress them all up in Confederate uniforms, including like your five-year-old kids, like, you just hate black people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just hate them.

There's no way you're very open-minded.

Yeah, yeah, it's like it's fucking

accurate, dude.

I mean, meanwhile, Adam is like, this Confederate flag feels so good.

I was walking around Thread Count.

It was so fucking hot outside.

It was the 150th anniversary.

It was 4th of July.

The Gettysburg Gettysburg battle happened

over four days.

It was over 4th of July.

Like the gift shops in Gettysburg, they sell

the little Union soldier hats and the Confederate soldiers.

Yeah, and they sell the old fucking Civil War era stars and stripes, which is the fucking

circle,

and then they also sell Confederate flags, which are not historically accurate.

Oh, it was stars and bars?

Yeah.

There was the battle flag of Northern Virginia, which looked like the stars and bars, except it was a square

battle flag.

Yeah, yeah.

But the Confederacy had like a bunch of different flags, but that one was just that's culturally they decided this is the flag of the South.

Interesting.

Leonard Skinner did that.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, they have that everywhere.

But I thought it would be so funny to just go to one of those gift shops and when someone's not looking, just put a stack of big

Nazi swastika Third Reich flags

in there for sale and put some price tags on them and see how long it would take before someone's like, I don't think these are supposed to be in Star Wars.

I I guarantee you they'd move a few of those.

Oh, of course they would.

Yeah, that was a part of the Civil War.

My favorite flag I've ever seen is the one that I saw it, I can't remember where I saw it, but it's a Confederate flag.

You know, the

Leonard Skinner fucking Duke Sahashi flag.

But then there's a swastika in the middle of it.

Oh, yeah.

I've seen that.

It's like, hell yeah, dude, crank it to 11.

My favorite shit is on

Eastbound and Down where he has the Confederate flag.

Bookie board.

Weed bookie board.

Bookie board.

Hell yeah.

Myrtle Beach.

I want that.

I want that so bad.

That's so funny.

I'm like, all right, fine.

Confederate flags are fine.

If they all have weed in them, I want Confederate flag.

I want Calvin Pissing.

I want a Tasmanian Devil.

I want a weed flag.

Yo, what's really funny is if you...

I Googled this one time because I was like, this would be hilarious.

But I was like, what if there's like a gay Confederate flag?

Like the rainbow with the stars and bars.

And then if you Google it, someone made it already.

Yeah, someone did that bit already.

Anyway, but when we were on ecstasy, it was so hot.

We were like sweating.

We're like, this was a terrible idea.

And they were like, let's go over to those woods, like, on the far side of the battlefield for some like tree cover so we could like rest up.

So we go there, and that's where, like, all the Union cavalry was with all their horses.

And they were, like, just, like, getting the horses some shade because it was so oppressively hot.

And in the middle of it, there's like a black family.

And they were all just, like, clearly not sanctioned by the reenactors.

They were just wearing bonnets and stuff.

And they just like made a campfire and they were like barbecuing and stuff.

And we were talking to this guy who's like one of the cavalry guys.

He's like, you know, they're not supposed to be here.

And I was like, well, you know, technically, you should think about what, you know, the

poetic, you know, aspect of you complaining about, you know, them.

I just like the idea of like, it's blazing hot out.

You're tripping balls and you're like, this is a bad idea.

Let's go get some shade.

And then you end up on like little big top where like 5,000 people died.

That's an excellent energy.

Yeah, why are you doing that?

Well, yeah, and that's what I was going to say.

Skettinburg is such a boring tourist destination because it is just fields.

It's fields.

Yeah, it's just a big open field.

It's just a big bunch of open fucking fields and then a couple of shitty gift shops.

And it's like the only reason to go is if you think ghosts are real, which they're not.

Well, to see the reenactment, it's pretty insane.

I've never seen a reenactment.

Yeah.

See,

they were like, yeah, there were like tens of thousands of people there.

There was like people from Spain.

There were people from Spain there in like Confederate outfits, and they were like, yeah, we're here for the

always need to find new uses for our swords.

Because Spain does not have enough uses for their swords anymore.

Yeah, I'm like, you're from Spain and you came here to be in the Confederacy?

He's like, yes,

they're with the Spanish people who fought for the Confederacy.

So we came from...

The Spaniards are fucking racist, dude.

Are they?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, dude.

In

Real Madrid games, they would fucking throw...

Oh, yeah, but they would throw bananas at Eto, remember?

There was a Spaniard in my eighth grade class, and he was like, he sat next to me.

I remember talking to him one time.

I was like, do you, like, miss Spain?

Or, like, how are you adjusting?

Because, you know, you'd only been in the country for like a year or whatever.

And he was like, yeah, you know, Spain's a lot better than America.

And I was like, well, in what ways?

He's like, well, you know, it's not contaminated like America is.

I'm like, what do you mean like the water?

Yeah, yeah.

The racial theory.

Well, you know, I mean, like, everyone in Spain is like Spanish.

They're, you know, they're the right race.

And I was like, you're 12 years old.

Yeah, dude.

Europe is so good.

Spain used to be so good, dude.

They had like, they owned so much shit, and now they suck.

Yeah.

What was it?

Spanish?

Yeah, it did used to be good when Franco was in charge.

It was so good.

How did they fuck that up?

Was it?

No, but they had a run right before Britain and everyone had a run, right?

They had a

huge run.

Yeah, like they had all the conquistadors and shit.

Yeah, they like fucking conquered the new world.

They were really good at sailing.

They were in the other podcast about

Ponce de Leon and how he was Puerto Rican.

And just imagining Ponce de Leon as like a modern-day Puerto Rican.

I think it might sound a little

bit more.

They should get Al Pacino to play Ponce de Leon, to do his Spanish.

Well, his carriage just has his name written in fucking old English.

We're going to have peretes every single day.

A fucking little Guadalupe on the dashboard.

They love parades.

Those folks.

Talking about Europe being racist.

It's so weird.

Have I talked about how the stereotype of black people in Greece is that they all like to fuck men in the ass?

And for some reason,

that's the fucking...

I thought that was the stereotype about Greek people.

Yeah, I know.

Maybe we flipped it.

I don't know.

Maybe it's because that's just how racism racism works.

And everybody shits on Greek people and they're like, yeah, they just fuck each other in the ass.

And then if you're in Greek, you just need to think that about black people.

They're even lower than you.

Yeah, but black people.

And

they all sell bootleg CDs, which is actually true.

That there's a lot of Africans that sell bootleg C Ds in Greece.

Or at least that was a booming business when I was 11 and I was still over there.

Lloyd DeBanks, Young Buck,

and Phoebe.

It's weird.

I don't know if you guys, speaking of, again, European racism.

Yeah, let's get into it.

Did you guys see the shit this morning from the prison planet guy

in Sweden?

This whole thing about how,

like, Donald Trump said, this is an extension, the Fox report, that Trump was.

And what he was doing is he was like, I will pay

any leftist journalist who's making fun of Sweden to go live in Malmo, like the most dangerous city in Europe, and be hosted by these people.

And he just took some screenshots.

So clearly he just did a Google image search for like thugs, Swedish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, like, one of their pictures is literally just like some teens on a corner, like, looking like just they would ask you for a cigarette.

It was like the least threatening thing imaginable.

Like, just like some kids and like scrawny kids in like track pants, just looking sullen on a street corner.

I didn't see that.

I love that.

Racists are so, such pussies.

Have you seen any of that?

That's the basic thing.

The guy from that Fox News article, though, the one that Trump was basically citing.

It was Tucker Carlson, I thought.

Well, no, it was because maybe it was on Tucker Carlson's show, but the report was from Ami Horowitz, who has these videos where he like he'll be like, I'm here in Times Square talking to fucking white liberals or whatever.

And he finds one girl that's like, yeah, I think voter ID laws are racist because it affects black people's ability to vote or whatever.

He's like, hmm,

let's see how black people feel about that.

And he's like, well, I'm here now in Harlem.

And he's like, oh, you're a black person.

Do you think it's racist that you should be allowed to vote?

And I'll be like, no.

And they'll be like, well,

liberals think it is.

By the way, here are the teens.

Oh, wow.

That shit is so funny, dude.

I don't know.

They do look kind of threatening.

This one guy's got Liberty Spikes.

There's graffiti there.

Those aren't Muslims.

This is, hold on, dude.

This is like three different types.

How are these guys hanging out?

This could look more stage.

It's a guy with a breakfast club.

It's a fucking hot topic guy, like a Dundalk yo boy.

Hell yeah, dude.

And then a fucking crust punk.

There's no.

This is the kind of cultural mixing that I can't support.

That's why the crustpunk would be hanging out with the fucking tough guy from Degrassi.

Yeah, different kinds of clicks.

Wait, are these guys even Muslim?

Yeah.

One of the pictures he used is like a guy pulling up his shirt and had like tattoos on his stomach, but you can literally see him wearing a rosary.

Oh, fuck.

Speaking of, you guys said, Tyde were anal beads

because they were on his neck and not coming out of his ass.

That's where I like to store them.

I like the smell around my neck.

I will pay you a million dollars to hang out with this punker from Syria.

Wait, this is crazy.

Look at this shit.

Will that guy actually pay for anyone, dude?

No, of course not.

Oh, yeah.

His avatar is hilarious.

That is a weird mix on Twitter.

Anyway,

what's up with Tucker Carlson?

He just wears bow ties, and that's his thing.

Didn't he stop wearing the bow ties?

I think he switched that up.

That was his branding 10 years ago.

That's how he broke into the business.

Yeah, yeah.

He's activated by the title.

Because he was like a younger conservative, which, like, you know, to find a guy under the age 25 that's willing to be like, hmm, actually, black people are stupid.

You know, it's a rarity.

And he wear bow ties, and that's, you know, how he got into the business.

And then the bow ties are trustworthy.

He took it from Bill Nye, I think.

Did that guy Horowitz, was he the guy that did the Chinatown video

for Bill

O'Reilly?

Jesse Waters, who's like, that's like Bill O'Reilly.

That guy is

such a piece of shit.

No, I've seen a couple of like Ami Horowitz.

All my suggested YouTube videos are like, you know, a sewer, I'm sure.

Same hide videos, and then like Trey Gowdy destroys Rape Victim.

Jesus Christ.

Dude, Trey Gowdy videos are the fucking best.

Those are my favorite.

He's the guy that ran away from the town.

He's so uncanny.

He looks weird, dude.

But we talked about it.

Him and Kasich have this weird thing where they have

facial.

They look like Billy Quizboy.

Not like him, but whatever the Billy Quizboy's problem is.

You know, where they just have some sort of like aging deficiency.

Where they look like a four-year-old just sped up top.

Progeria.

Yeah, 65 years old.

But yeah, the Trey Gowdy, it's always like he'll have like some immigration activists that are like, these people just need to have a job and a place to live.

And he's like, okay,

what about Sandra Williamson?

She's like,

what are you talking about?

He's like, well, she was raped and murdered by an illegal.

And actually, we actually have a rape kid here.

And we're going to pass it on.

Let's let everybody just smell this rape.

It's about her dreams.

Look at her dreams.

It's about her dreams and aspirations.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, he looks terrible.

Yeah.

Actually, well, for how old old he is, he doesn't look bad.

How old is he?

I mean, he's probably like 55.

Look at this haircut.

Yeah.

This is.

That's the problem, is he doesn't know how to get haircuts.

You know, and Kasich is the same thing, where Kasich has like an eight-year-old boy's haircut.

I think he looks cute.

What's Kasich up to?

Is he still governor now?

I don't know.

He's quietly asking everyone to be reasonable.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I was going to bring this up back when we were still talking about

people videotaping them having selves.

It's just still in my head.

But,

you know, if you're like me, you've been, you know, I've been checking out a lot of sort of like amateur swinger porn recently.

I've been on that tip.

Amateur what?

Like swinger porn.

Swinger, okay.

Like, you know, like regular husbands and wives just like have orgies or like, you know, whore their wife out or something like that.

Yes.

I just got to say,

if you do that, that's cool.

I enjoy it.

But turn the TV off.

I can't tell you how many of these videos i've watched where it's like some guy's like

getting spit roasted but in the background you can literally hear it like the 11 o'clock local news going on

and clean your living room too people yeah come on i'm just putting that out as a psycho

i feel like the lighting

is going to get out yeah yeah swinging seems like a bad idea to me oh terrible just don't be in a relationship well wait you guys were the ones who were saying you said on the podcast once that you wouldn't mind if people fucked your girlfriend i wouldn't that's There's a difference between that and swinging.

Yeah, right.

Inviting a bunch of strangers over to your apartment, a bunch of horny strangers to come and

fucking low-tee friends can get together because you're somehow not cool enough to join a bowling league.

So you have to fucking go.

You have to use your wife's

pussy as bait for friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kurt does that.

Kurt and Karen, they would like, they're swingers.

I don't know, man.

Billy, you think you ever get in there, dude?

You think the porn is an

Is it gateway to you swapping?

Yeah, something like that.

Are you into the idea of wife swapping or is it just.

Well, no, I'd have to get married first.

For me, now it doesn't appeal to me at all, but I need to see a ring in porn.

You know what I'm saying?

Or else I can't.

It's that added free song.

I don't know.

There's something about it.

There's to see a wedding ring.

I love it.

There's a genre that's like

Romanian orgies or whatever.

And it's just a room with people all fucking each other on a pull-out couch, like a big, large sectional.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's so gross.

Yeah, so gross.

It's like I'm looking at a magic eye.

It's like a puzzle.

I don't know who to beat off.

Don't focus your eyes.

If you don't focus your eyes, it's not Romanian.

It's the easy sailboat.

It's a cool skull.

It's Czech, dude.

It's not Romanian.

They love orgies.

Czech has some great porn, dude.

Yeah, the Czech casting.

The Czech love.

They love orgies.

They love cash.

They love to cash.

Their mouths love to write checks and then cash them.

Oh, yeah.

I love those Cassie videos because it's just such terrible acting where it's like, oh no, we have to have sex now.

You know, I always thought it would be like a fun sketch.

It's like you have a birthday party for a guy that's in the closet, but it's like a big fat guy, you know, like a flamboy, big fat, like you.

Like a cool, like a cool

flamboyant guy, and it's his birthday.

He's clearly very gay, but like, but he's like, you know, closet or whatever.

And they bring out a big cake for his birthday, and he's like, oh my god and then the stripper comes out of the cake and he's like oh

I thought I was gonna eat the biggest cake in the world

that's funny as shit dude you should do that yeah how fucking disappointed would you be if you're if you just thought you were gonna get that giant cake and you are gay yeah and there's a woman inside of it ruining the cake

just like uh gallon under siege yeah yeah he wanted to eat that whole cake too but now he had to babysit some fucking woman the whole restaurant doesn't she pop out and like pull her tits yeah yeah yeah there's a good long scene of tits and it takes her like fucking five minutes before she realizes the room's empty.

She's hearing all these gunshots and like, I guess that's very similar to the we mentioned in on the last one is in Bloodsport, the scene where

Jean-Claude Van Damme has fucked a reporter lady and she's waking up the next morning and she wakes up to Jean-Claude Van Damme getting dressed.

But the way they directed the scene is like it's her like waking up and she's like, oh, and Jean-Claude Van Damme's over there.

So the shot cuts to Van Damme.

And the way they directed it was, you know, she's supposed to be waking up and seeing him while he's getting dressed.

But they just shoot Jean-Claude Van Damme.

So his cue, he stands there on his mark with his pants, his underwear underneath his ass, looking over his shoulder.

And then the director goes, and action.

And then he finishes.

But the edit point is like a microsecond off.

So it just gives you the impression that he's been standing there pointing his bare eyes

at this woman while she's asleep asleep until she wakes up.

Do you think if you got it, flaunt it?

It would be so cool if John Claude Van Damme, when he asked his wife to marry her, he like did a full split and then opened the ring

or the ring was on his dick.

Oh, that'd be cool, yeah.

When there was the uh, I fucking love Blood Sport, though.

Yeah, it's such a good movie.

It's a hilarious movie.

When the terrorist attack happened in Belgium after the Paris attacks,

I made an image that's John Claude Van Damme doing the splits in between the Twin Towers and the Eiffel Tower.

And he's shitting onto a Quran and the toy.

Satire.

Bring everybody together again.

Did anyone call them the Perrist attacks?

Sorry.

Apologize.

Paris Hilton.

Uh-oh.

Folks.

That whole.

One Night in Paris.

We've definitely talked about that porno, right?

It's not very good.

I give it two thumbs down.

That reality show is great.

Yeah, we have dumb, rich people go and humiliate people from rural America.

We don't even know who we're mocking anymore.

Was that The Simple Life?

The Simple Life

with Lionel's daughter.

Yeah.

They had to just get jobs at a fast food place.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they'd like fuck dudes at local bars.

Stop, come on.

What, dude?

I didn't do anything.

Did they fuck on that show?

Of course.

Yeah, they used to make out with just local guys with their lips full of dip and stuff.

They'd just be like so confused.

They're like, yeah, these ladies came from New York now, making out with them.

You know,

she feels like her whole body's made out of elbows, but she smell real nice.

She smell good.

She smell good to me.

She smell good, but yeah.

Oh, man.

They do fist fuck a cow on that show.

Oh, yeah, they have to instantly.

Yeah, because they're like, they're like, oh, well, we're farmers, but like, I don't know how much of American agriculture is still actual farms and not like, you know, a Monsanto futuristic prison for chicken.

Right, right.

Where you commit a chicken fought in front of

you.

So I'm like,

it's just a simple I've heard out on the farm.

They're in some big fucking warehouse, like sticking their entire arm into a cow's pussy.

There was a huge run of like horse and cow, like jerking off horses and putting your whole fist in a cow's pussy.

That happened in the early aughts, aughts, I feel like.

Freddy got fingers.

To

collect a bull's semen, you have to stimulate their prostate.

So you have to stick your whole arm in their ass hole

and then collect it.

But I think with a cow,

with a lady cow, I think you have to do something similar, but you put a pipette into the vagina, and then you also stick your arm in their asshole.

I just don't believe we don't have to do that.

That's birds and beasts type.

We have to put a fake arm in the cow.

Whatever is being accomplished with the human arm.

It's been to the moon.

Or just let the cow.

Why can't the cows just fuck?

You know,

there's enough room and technology to allow.

I don't think they've ever figured out how to fuck, dude.

I think it's been

2,000 years.

First of all, I don't even know where cows are indigenous from.

I don't know where we're buffalo.

I think they do this with horses, particularly, because a stallion can actually kill a mare

if you're not not careful.

Dick's so good, you die.

Yeah, yeah.

But like when you're invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in like a horse or whatever, you can't take chances like that.

Sure, sure.

Interesting.

But the cows, it's whatever.

Yeah, cow, like we kill them every fucking year.

You could also, it's also automation.

You know, it's probably if you just let the animals fuck, you could fire all the people whose job it is to fist and fluff the care.

Yeah, I'm a fluffer.

I suck the bull off before he fucks the cow.

Well, he doesn't have to use use his mouth, but he chooses to.

And, you know, I said, hey, those are the jobs.

If you find a way to make the job fun, I'll say go for it.

Me, I bring a little Bluetooth speaker with me.

I'll listen to the Allman Brothers while I jerk the cow off.

Some guys just like to suck a cow bit.

That's what a simple life is.

Yeah, we have fun around here.

No,

those are the jobs that are coming back to America.

Absolutely, dude.

Hell yeah, dude.

We got to stop letting these Malaysian fucks suck all the the cow bitches.

Some Malay son of a bitch is fucking elbow deep in cow pussy right now.

Get the hell out.

Oh, fuck.

I like Monsanto on Facebook.

Oh, nice.

And Monsanto's been getting into it to the same degree that Raytheon has the like woke

postings.

Yeah.

That's hilarious.

Raytheon does it all the time.

We're like, we're teaching girls science.

I love it.

It's fucking like, you know,

we're giving girls in Yemen

up-close lessons in physics.

We're helping them get combustion.

Yeah, right.

We're helping them get tans to become more beautiful, even though they don't have to.

Well, I remember like the natural gas companies, like they've been trying to have a sort of open a PR front because everybody thinks fracking is bad.

And

they're doing like memes now where it's just like that feel when someone tells you like natural gas is bad, and it's just like some girl rolling her eyes

that people went, that feel when someone says fracking causes their water to catch fire.

I think it's cool though, Tapa.

The Raytheon ones are good, the girlfriend ones are good.

And what I love is too is because Raytheon still shares all their other shit.

So it'll be like, you know, a video of like a classroom and they're teaching girl science, encouraging girls to get into STEM or whatever.

And then, you know, fucking morons are like, you know, like

Becky Starfish, you know, or whatever their dumb Facebook name is like, I love this.

This is so great, or whatever.

And then the next video is like, the fucking Mark II V18 ICBM

targeted laser-guided system.

And then the comments in those are always like, you know, a dude that's just a fucking hat or a mustache.

Picture right up.

You're a fucking moron who just hates everything about Obama and the last 10 years.

Your Facebook from a profile fixer is just your mustache and your fucking rosacea, your swollen

rosacea nose, and your stupid hat.

And they comment on all this radio on ICBM.

I saw one guy went down and it's like, America is a thief.

You do not fuck.

Can't get off the explanation.

Having a fucking seizure while

commenting on how great these pieces

are.

Fuck, man.

Oh, God.

No, those are great.

I fucking love all that.

The cause marketing from literally the most evil companies in the world.

Which I was doing as a joke, not to like, you know, hey, guess listen up to this thing I photoshopped four years ago.

Yeah.

But I did that with all, like, when Tostinos made that, they did a tweet, which they stole, by the way, from someone on Etsy.

Tostino, they're like pizza roll.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They had a tweet where they took the word gender rolls and crossed it off and it says pizza rolls.

Oh, nice.

And all these people were quote-tweeting and like, well, I know what I'm having for dinner.

And it's like, you stupid fuck.

Yeah, yeah,

don't do that.

They stole that tweet from like some pillow that some girl was selling on, like, Etsy.

Yeah, they just stole her idea.

They probably compensated her really well.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

She's retired now.

No, so I did a bunch of them where it's like, you know, McDonald's and then, like, we're heroes.

We let retarded people work here and put it in like every different language or like, you know, Occidental Petroleum.

Like, a woman should be able to dig wherever she wants.

You know,

or like, you know, dole, like unions crossed off or a same-sex union.

Similar unions.

Yeah, like Coca-Cola and Bolivia unions?

No, thank you.

Same-sex unions.

It was two bananas.

It was too bananas.

Along those lines, like a similar genre is something I've been seeing popping up recently where it's like intended to be these heartwarming stories of like like perseverance and discipline among young people.

It's like, you know,

this is Michael.

Like, Michael has been collecting recycling every single day and working two jobs while going to school to put himself through college.

Don't ever say you can't work hard enough.

Like, always smart.

I'm just like,

this is such a terrible indictment of our society.

He's literally collecting trash so he can get an education.

Like, what the fuck?

He had working three other jobs.

He has shittier economics than a hermit crab.

He does what a hermit crab does, plus two more jobs.

Yeah, there isn't a bottom-feeding crustacean has a better economic outlook than this human being.

It costs us more money to produce this video than he makes in six months.

We're not doing anything to change that.

There was an Uber thing.

It was like Cheryl's 11 months pregnant and still driving her Uber.

That's how it works.

Oh, God.

Yeah, it's like, Jesus Christ, man.

That's horrible.

Give her fucking hell.

Best part.

She was raped in a lift.

You know, I know you can do that.

By the way, what happened with Uber with that?

There's some controversy now about it.

You know what?

It came up in my news feed, and then my news feed refreshed, so I don't know what that story is.

They're in trouble again, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, some HR shit.

Women get harassed all the time working for Uber or some shit like that.

In the corporate side?

Yeah, I think so.

Not just by their drivers.

Not just by the office, too.

Yep.

Which is true.

Yeah.

I can't wait till they just cut people out completely.

Well, I mean, we were talking about the guys who were going to lose their jobs fisting cows, but a real thing is that in the next, like, very soon, the next time we're going to get a carrier

car

is automated, like, yeah, self-driving cars.

30 million people are going to be out of work in the next decade or so.

The cab drivers, that'll be a problem, sure.

And like inner city

courier services are one thing.

And especially in Manhattan, I feel like it'll still always be faster to have a bike courier than somebody on the fucking car.

So for local deliveries and stuff in the city, the real impact is going to be long-haul truckers.

Long-haul truckers who are fucked, and that'll devastate the economies of so many fucking small towns.

Yeah, it's 20 to 30 million American men have.

Well, is that when the fucking universal basic income comes into the mix?

Well, you know, probably

not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But wouldn't that be cool if we're going to be able to do it?

Here's why the trucker thing is really fucking important:

because

not only

does it fuck over the infrastructure, but it's 90%,

90 fucking percent of all borderline racist New York podcast and radio show audiences are

these guys are not sitting in the cab of their truck muttering slurs about everyone else on the road all day long.

What do you think?

They're going to listen to Kumiya's show at the mall

when they're out of work?

No, of course not.

Their ears are is swollen from fucking forehead edema.

They can't fit earbuds in there.

They need the speakers inside the cab.

They have cauliflower ear from hate crimes they've committed over the time.

Ever tell you about that guy, that guy, that homeless guy my friends were just hanging out with one night in Rockville that had like, he's like, I won the lottery and now I'm like illegally parked behind the old Jeepers in this semi.

This guy bought a semi.

He doesn't know how to drive it.

He needs to win the lottery.

And he's just telling us about, he's like, yeah, I just love buying electronics and shit.

He's like, why are you hanging out with this guy?

I just found him.

They were buying weed.

He was buying drugs.

I think, well, you got to go, right?

We're almost out of time here.

Oh, yeah.

I can keep going.

Oh, okay, yeah, sure.

I didn't know if you were on a time crunch.

No, no.

Yeah, we're having fun.

It was a fun one.

Yeah, that guy was just

had this truck that he bought.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm assuming semis cost like $200,000.

Well, here's a question.

See, I'm worried about it because of the horrific economic impact of putting 10 to 20 million people out of work.

But I'm also concerned because I feel like, what do you trust more when you're driving on a highway and you see like a giant fucking tractor trailer?

Like some guy that you just described who's like probably like sniffing crank because he's been up for 72 hours driving, or just like a fucking computer driving one of those things.

Like that, that freaks me out.

Well, absolutely.

You can say that computers are safer than the drivers because of like, well, you know, human error causes them to fuck up.

But that doesn't mean that there's not going to be fuck-ups.

And in the cases of human error,

there's more accountability.

Right.

So,

if you have a man that fucks up and drives his semi into, like, you know, a fucking kills a family or whatever, he's an independent contractor.

It was that man.

There's a clear answer.

This is who's responsible.

And obviously, you know, you're not going to get your family back through litigation or whatever, but that's just how justice works, and that's the options we have available to us.

If it's some huge patchwork of like automated systems and bullshit, you know, a fucking automated truck drives through

a schoolyard and kills a bunch of kids.

Then it's like, whoa, who's the faculty?

We're going to bring an algorithm to court.

Exactly.

There's no accountability.

No, wouldn't the company be fucking automatically?

It's a company, but it's a corporation that's protected by, you know, it's, yeah, so they take a fucking ding from the lawsuit, but those companies are going to be fucking huge.

Right.

If you don't think it's going to be one or two companies that control all of the, you know, domestic, you know,

trucking routes with these automated systems.

Because like, look at, look at like

mobile networks.

There's four companies in America that control all the mobile networks.

And Verizon will continue to do shit that should just be, I mean, it is fucking illegal.

They get fined for it, where they'll just decide to discontinue service in an area or something got fucked up and they won't fix it.

And they'll just charge people more money.

And eventually they get fined by the FTC.

And those fines are immediately passed on to the consumer section on your bill that says additional surcharges.

And they never see any fucking consequences for it.

So you're going to have if enough of like big companies are able to put out these trucking lines and just literally kill people and fucking write it off as an expense because the entire, it's a lot different than like the consumer automotive market where you don't like, you know, there's a lot more competition.

You don't necessarily need a car.

The backbone of fucking you know everything in America, all of our internal shipping, if you bring those people to court, they're not going to fuck them over to the extent that they can't do business anymore.

Right.

There's no way to boycott trucking companies really.

It's like they all just fucking.

Yeah, like, as you said, Nick, considering every piece of food you eat is delivered with a truck everywhere in America.

You think the government, let's say

one of the three companies that gets to control all of those shipping routes or those trucking routes accidentally, oh, we killed 10,000 people.

They're not going to say, okay, well, shut it down.

You're going to go out of business.

No, they're going to assess some kind of fine that you're going to be class action laws.

But that's the scary shit is that computers will probably be fine until they really fuck up.

Like, I could see like some fucking chip fucking up or some shit.

No, I think it'll be worse.

It'll be worse at the beginning, and then the fucking system will learn from the mistakes.

I think that's how the computers work.

I was talking with somebody about Y2K the other day.

They're like, yeah, remember how everyone thought that was going to be a big deal and it wasn't?

And it was like, it kind of was.

There was shit that fucking happened in Y2K that, you know, it wasn't as bad as people thought it would be.

But in England, there was a computer program that

determined genetic typing for all these couples.

And the computer program spit out, like, oh, yeah, your son's going to have Down syndrome.

You better abort.

And there's all these people that got abortions.

Holy shit.

There's all these women that fucking had their kids aborted, and they're like, ah, we forgot to carry the one.

I'm sorry.

Holy shit.

And that was fucking why 2K did that shit.

It's like,

you know, but

ATMs weren't spitting out money.

So I guess

nothing happened.

But yeah, automation is dangerous.

I don't trust that shit, dude.

I I mean, but maybe we're just old mother.

Like, isn't this how people probably talked about cell phones and shit?

I mean, they are probably giving us cancer or something, but

there is something scarier of cars.

They're so fast.

It's so fucking...

Yeah, but what added convenience do you get out of fucking automated trucking systems?

We don't know.

The argument is that the good.

Cell phones benefit everybody.

It connects people.

And yeah, sure,

similar arguments are made about any kind of technology.

When Pulp Fiction fiction came out, people were saying, oh, this is going to just, everyone's going to be stupid because they're reading all the time.

Right, right, right.

Instead of a movie?

No.

No, when the actual genre.

Isn't that what they said about literally writing and like philosopher?

That's what they said about the printing press.

When silent reading became a thing.

Because you used to have to read out loud, and people started reading in their head, and they're like, don't do that.

That's what fucking trash people do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So, I mean, yeah, sure.

But certain things make you smart, and certain things make you dumb.

Like, TV definitely makes you dumb, right?

No.

Reading makes you smart.

I think if you're just a dumb person, it's easier to watch TV all the time.

Right, right, right.

If you don't have to think critically about it, you don't challenge it.

And then now there's T V that's not completely fucking dumb anymore.

That's true.

But it's easier to just check.

But at the same time, it's it's it's a any kind of like visual medium is inherently more passive because it's like it's just being sort of piped into your head.

You're not really

yeah, exactly.

Whereas you're reading a novel, you're reading it, but you have to sort of create the world in your own head.

You have to use your imagination more than just sort of like passively

receive it.

It's not impossible, though, to passively consume literature.

And plenty of people fucking do that.

That's how they listen to radio plays.

That's all the media.

Theater of the mind.

Theater of the mind.

I think big corporations and technology are just basically filming themselves fucking the American people.

They're watching it back and bringing it back.

Great old time, laughing about how dumb we all are.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, the bigger argument, it's not that, like, oh, well, you know, automation is unsafe.

It's that it destroys jobs.

And when it destroys jobs, it destroys people's lives.

And it fucking hurts the problem of income and wealth inequality even more.

They have automated McDonald's now in New York.

And you probably don't see them because they're not in fucking Union Square.

They have them all up in Harlem.

Right.

They have them in the places where they want to fire people immediately.

Right, right, right.

And where the people need the jobs.

Right.

Well, that's also weird because, like, you know, McDonald's in particular,

really everywhere has almost become like de facto social services for large segments of the population.

So, what are they going to do when they're completely untethered from any human contact?

Yeah.

They're going to write the next great novel.

They're going to write the next great song.

They're going to make the next great dance.

Walmart, too.

No, apparently, Walmart started hiring more people.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Well, no, actually,

we actually talked about this on my show, but there is an article that came out a while ago about what a huge drain Walmart is on local police departments

all over the country.

They actually have to have like a cop

who's paid with taxes, right?

Who has to stay in the Walmart to just keep processing all the people they arrest in Walmart because these stores are like just massive open spaces.

They don't hire enough people to actually do rear security for

them.

There's three people working in Walmart.

When I was in New Hampshire with Felix and Justin, I was in a Walmart and there was dog shit in the aisle, which was amazing.

And then someone let their dog shit inside.

Yeah, it's crazy.

The other thing is that they also let people, because

they need their employees to do this, they let people stay in cars

in the parking lot 24 hours a day.

Over in the RV parks.

Because initially it was for all the old people because they thought it would be nice for old people, like the fucking, you know,

who aren't going to cause any trouble.

And then I thought they reversed that because of vagrants and shit.

Yeah, but like vagrancy.

But it's just basically like, and then like so much in, you know, like modern American life, like everything is like just sort of it's just like sort of these strip malls off highways but there's no real like community or main street and there's no there's no eyeballs on the street i mean like you know urbanologists whatever study this like there's a word where like eyes on the street is a thing that they think cuts down on crime because it's just like if people are out and about and it's sort of like a main street and like or a high street in a town or city it's different but like now they're just these sort of people just sort of like completely like emacy desiccated like areas of just commerce so there's like nothing going on i mean you can get probably get like raped or killed in walmart i'm sure it happens dude yeah i was just in oklahoma that's exactly how that shit was it was like there's nothing no one and the closest thing to like a main street or a downtown was walmart like this was bustly like that's where people go to fucking hang and shit like that

in texas there was a walmart that had a police like substation in the walmart so it was beyond just one officer the walmart had its own police station and it's also not just that they also just pay their employees shit i'm sure they're all on like a lot of the i'm sure they don't care if people are stealing.

Yeah, it's just like that's other ways the government fucking subsidizes Walmart's bitch ass.

What was Oklahoma stuff?

You're out there doing a date?

Yeah, I was doing a casino.

It was Cherokee Nation, man.

Cherokee Nation.

Great gig.

Shouts out, Lacey.

But the actual place was fucking kind of depressing.

It was especially casinos make me sad.

Yeah, they're super sad.

He's neglecting it.

I did it last year.

We went hiking in the Ozarks the morning after, and it was amazing.

Yeah.

It was beautiful.

Yeah, well, you went with Ari.

I went with fucking Bobby.

Bobby's not going fuck it.

I would have loved a nice hike.

But

let's all quietly laugh.

Fuck you, bitch.

How much fucking activity did your bitch ass do on a day-to-day when?

What were you doing pull-ups when you came in here?

I'll do push-ups right now, dude.

Yeah, sure.

All right, dude.

I'm about to finish.

You're just fucking half-nude.

You're like laughing.

I'm doing push-ups.

You look like you're about to eat peeled dishes.

Straighten that back out.

Everyone, I just did 40 push-ups.

That was the grossest push-up I've ever seen.

You know what?

Fuck off.

The cord is short, so I couldn't do a really good one, but.

We need to get you back in pants, dude.

Too much of these sweats.

This is great radio right now, everybody.

Damn.

I just did a clap push-up, everyone.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was like John Podman.

Video broadcasting studios, so we can force you to do exercise and then also jack off a midget and reach the final

of New York broadcasting.

Yeah, we need to.

So, what's that?

Do you go like a midget-sized pussy, too?

That's interesting.

I'll just do sunglasses.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

It was tough, and it's like the food, all the food, like it's hard to be to not eat like shit at a place like that in a casino.

Yeah, yeah.

But even the people that like live there, it's well, that's why San Antonio is the fattest city because you go there and it's like

the way Starbucks is here, it's like that there with fucking Olive Garden.

Yeah, it's incredible everywhere.

Yeah, and like Red Lobster and all those, like, you know,

like

casual dining.

What's that tier of chain restaurants called where it's like sit-down casual?

Fast casual?

No,

that's like Panera and shit.

Where it's

Red Lobster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Macaroni.

Applebee's.

Applebee's.

As far as the fucking eye can see, you drive around San Antonio and it's all these fucking elevated highways and chain restaurants.

Yeah.

And then people dressed like cowboys on hover rounds that are easily five six hundred pounds it's insane how fat they are down there they all want to be fat cowboys which is like first of all no one would ever let you on a horse right

that would be fucking animal cruelty

fat person riding a horse is one of the funniest image it is a great it is very funny no they all look like those twins yes i was just gonna say one of my favorite one of my favorites of all time the twins the big fat twins on the little

the wallace twins i know yeah we we ate at red lobster when we were in dc D.C., and I got to say it was the best dining experience we had there all week.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, DC is all like a fake assistant.

I love those.

Yeah, it's all those.

Yeah, exactly.

It's all those shitty bistros, which I ate.

But man, those fucking biscuits are so good.

Dude, I did it up big.

I got the Admiral's platter, which is just all fried.

It's just fried every day.

It's just a selection.

It's actually commissioned as a four-star.

You're in the Navy now.

I did it.

So I didn't get my lapels.

Do they get stars in the Navy or like little anchors?

Stars, yeah.

They're star.

Yeah.

They get stars still.

Yeah, all the top-tier

officer ranks in the

armed services, I think, are stars.

Yeah, it's the same in

kindergarten, too.

If you get stars, you like for being good.

And as a video hoe, like a five-star bitch.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's the highest level of bitch you could be.

Is that five-star bitch that Gucci shit?

I was saying to Nick and Stop yesterday, Will, and I'm glad you're on the podcast now, but as an alumnus of the Chapa Trap House, I am now technically a pundit, right?

Yeah,

and they should respect me as such.

No, you should never.

I've never disrespected you.

I just slapped Adam everyone.

Did you hear that?

I'm MSM.

I was doing like

mainstream media, dude.

MSM.

Pundit.

I was bored the other day, so I was doing that like curious cat thing where just like anonymous questions from people who follow you on Twitter.

And a lot of people were saying,

like, we love the Adam episode,

but just once again, like to remind you that Brendan Wardell is your worst guest ever.

Never have him back on.

I will burn down a hospital for everybody about him.

He got his feelings hurt because now people don't like him and he's blaming it entirely on us.

Whatever, man.

Who cares?

I care.

Well, don't be mean.

I'm not trying to be mean to him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is funny.

He likes Brandon.

We don't have to lie about him.

Not kidding.

Brandon's great, guys.

Please stop bullying him.

Please stop hurting his feelings.

We don't want to get blamed for it anymore.

Yeah, we'll just don't do it.

Yeah, it is funny.

But internet hate is hilarious.

How much hate did Adam get?

Any nice hate for Adam?

Oh, this is funny, actually.

Someone got mad that we had.

Someone got mad at Adam because

just some random person was just like, hey, like the show, but I got to say, like, not too happy about

on the most recent episode when you sexualized a teenage girl.

And I was like, what?

And it was when we were talking about

Popcorn's girlfriend.

We were talking about Instagram Savage and Legend Popcorn.

And I was making the point that

he's this sort of like goofy, like this sort of fat, curly-haired white kid who like thinks he's like a rapper, but like on his Instagram, like he is like hooking up with like hot women.

And I didn't really know, really?

For a high school kid.

You're a high school popcorn.

Yeah.

Yeah, for you.

You have the spectrum of like shows.

You can't say that they're hot, though.

You have Chappell on one end.

And then I did Legion of Skanks the other night where Lewis brought a homeless man onto the podcast, tried to steal his cocaine, and tried to put his false teeth in his mouth.

God, and it's like, just give me the fucking teeth, dude.

Jesus, dude, that is so fucking disgusting.

Can you imagine?

Like, insanely gross.

He's doing that just voluntarily for not even a great laugh, probably.

I mean, I'm still laughing about it.

I think it's pretty funny.

What do you literally put the fucking money?

And then people are getting mad about saying that Popcorn's girlfriend is hot.

Yeah.

Like,

if we said, oh, dude, I want to fuck Pop's girlfriend because she's 16, you know.

We didn't say we wanted to fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking

fuck him.

We just said he did all right for a fat, chubby, curly-headed, you know, Kentucky white boy.

Feel for him, man.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm not going to apologize.

No, I didn't apologize.

Popcorn is a white Luterian Milton.

Of course.

Yeah.

I love Luteran.

Luterian's gotten his life together.

I know.

Which is not surprising.

I mean, of course.

If you g out that hard as a fucking eight-year-old,

you got to get the hood shit out of your system early.

Where the fuck else is he going to go except Harvard?

Yeah.

That's why, like I said, I'm glad, sort of glad Pop did his home invasion and assault with a deadly weapon in 1917.

He'd waited a little bit longer and his shit would have been a lot more difficult.

He would have gone to adult prison and they would have not liked his rapping.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, fucking Letarian was so hard as an eight-year-old.

Like, Obama would have never, if it was Letarian, Obama would have never said, if I had a son, it would have never happened with Letarian.

He's like, I don't know Leturian.

I've never met Leturian.

I don't know who Leturian is.

Please do not compare me to that boy.

The boy beat up his grandmother for chicken wings.

God, he was awesome.

What does he do?

He stole a car.

He stole a car.

He stole a car.

That's his car, smashing it with, because he couldn't see above the dashboard.

Because his friend came over and his friend was smoking cigarettes.

And he smoked with cigarettes.

He smokes with the cigarettes and wanted to get a camera.

He goes to smoke with cigarettes.

Because I want to do hood rat shit with my friends.

I want to do hood rat stuff with my friends.

Dude, that's so cool.

That's what fucking unbridled childhood freedom looks like.

In a perfect world, every boy would be able to

holodeck for boys.

We'll get it all full circle.

And that'll be it.

This is the holodeck for boys.

Thanks, Big Dick Billy.

Yeah, you got anything you want for me?

No, no, just always a pleasure.

Any day without cum is a waste of time.

That's right, that's right, bro.

Chapo Trap House, I'm sure there's a lot of overlap.

Anyways, but if you don't listen, check it out.

It's great.

You guys are fun.

Thanks.