Ep. 41 – Cum Town Live

I'm not a foolish guy.

Don't even feel like drinking or even getting high.

Cause all that's gonna do really is accelerate.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Carolines on Broadway, America's premier comedy nightclub in the heart of Times Square.

It's showtime, and we've got a great show for you tonight.

So sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh.

That's right, folks.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Now, please put your hands together for the hosts of Comtown, Adam Friedland, Starbros Halpius, and Nick Mullen.

Hell yeah.

Whoa, wow.

That wasn't enough pussy specialists.

Yeah, let it run a little bit.

Let's put it back on.

He recognizes

a new galaxy.

No, no, it's not.

You're winning the walk out of the office.

Anybody, it's $600 if you can guess his name.

Stop will pay you $600 out of his mouth right now.

My own money.

His name is Do Shit.

No, you're not allowed to Shazam the song.

Oh, hold on.

Right in front of us.

Gully Wop, you got it.

No, it's not Gully Wop.

He does not know Gully Wop.

Scully Bop.

Gully Bop.

Scully Bop.

Yo, Gully Bop's type.

Yeah.

Well, the song sculpt Pussy Specialist, which is

a great name.

Official Cometown endorsement for Gully Bop.

We found out about him last night after recording nine podcasts in a row.

Yeah.

And

he's our favorite.

He was a homeless drug addict that is now Jamaica's most famous

singer songwriter.

Yeah.

Well, he went viral.

Somebody recorded him in an alley, very similar to our story.

Homeless drug addicts.

And someone recorded in an alley, and then a radio station played him, and then he blew up, and then immediately started releasing songs called Pussy Specialists.

And they were like, whoopsie daisy.

But he's too powerful now, dude.

And he's the prime minister of Jamaica now.

Yeah, right.

Do they have a prime minister?

What's the government of Jamaica?

Is it whatever we tell them?

Whatever the CIA demands of them.

Whoever takes the business.

They're like, let's get Gully Bop in there.

Let's get the pussy specialist guy in there.

No, I think it's whoever can do the biggest biggest bong rip, dude.

Yeah?

You know what I mean?

Are any of you guys adult bong rip guys?

You guys still do bong rip?

Hell yeah, dude.

Don't lie, you motherfuckers.

No one rips bangers here?

Come on, dude.

What's it called?

What's the thing called where

you do the dab and then?

It's a dab marine, actually, where you smoke a dab, then you drink a 24-ounce, typically a taccate.

Hell yeah, dude.

I think that's the chillest Mexican vibe that you can bring.

And then you just exhale that shit.

And then you exhale it.

But it's Adam knows about this.

It's this weird YouTube genre of people that do...

I don't even know what a dab is.

I'm already, that's past me.

So it's wax, right?

Yeah, it's a weed concentration.

You do a special type of weed, and then you drink the beer, and then you do the bong rip, right?

And then you exhale all of it.

But it's not even like smoking weed.

It's like doing drugs.

You know what I mean?

It's like doing real drugs.

Well, what I like is that all those videos, it's all guys that like clearly have alimony payments.

It's a backwards hat, you know, and they got

a Bob Marley poster in their little.

And a gully bob poster and they're like

shouts out to you guys for coming.

Thank you.

This is the first time our fans have been to Times Square non-ironically.

Yeah.

So, well, sort of ironically.

Yeah.

To see us, the irony podcast.

What?

No,

we're seriously, Rachel.

This is a legitimately good show that we are not surprised people listen to and come to.

Yeah, this is a surprising turnout.

It's so good that it's like disappointing, you know?

Because

then there's too much pressure and it's like, well,

then you have to be kind of sincere, right?

No, probably not.

Yeah.

I'm just surprised girls are here right now.

Yo, what's up, girls?

What's up?

Who dragged you here?

Your girlfriends, right?

Your boyfriends are like, yeah, I gotta go to this cum thing tonight.

You're dating stunted men emotionally, so you're all here.

And you're like, not, you know, the girls that I would expect.

You're actually

good-looking women.

Right.

You have both eyes.

The men are all disasters.

Everyone here.

Yeah, I was like, obviously.

You know, I'm always disappointed when blind people don't do two eye patches.

Why wouldn't you?

That would look so.

That would be awesome.

Of course, yeah.

You had two, or the Jordi LaForge thing, that hairband shit.

Oh, of course.

Yeah.

I would do that.

Oh, just a headband all the way down?

Yeah.

When I was in daycare as a kid, I would always steal girls' headbands and pretend to be

which is where you use the power of being a nerd to bully.

Yeah.

Who's Jordi LaForge?

He's the one who's the blind guy on Star Trek.

Star Trek, dude.

Shut up.

He didn't even watch Star Trek.

I watched Star Trek.

We just watched an episode.

Yeah, we watched it last night.

We watched one episode.

I've watched Star Trek.

I've seen every single Star Trek movie.

Why are we even talking about this right now?

Because I brought it up.

I'm sorry.

I always kind of want to talk about Star Trek a little bit.

That's fine.

You guys Star Trek fans?

Really?

Are you a Star Trek fan?

No, of course not.

She's a Gulliver.

You're a boyfriend here.

What's that?

She's on Gully Bob.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Gully Bob should be on Star Trek.

They should bring...

They should make a new Star Trek where Gullibop plays Jordial Forge.

And it's the forgetting how to reading Rainbow Guy.

It's a planet when no one pays their child support.

That's the Gully Bob planet.

Look him up.

It's a good joke.

Yeah.

We thought we'd be able to talk about Gully Bob for a good...

Yeah, the settlers today just said Gully Bob.

So we ran dry quick as hell.

But, you know, what are you going to do?

Talk about...

Nick's, you're leaving.

I'm leaving.

Adam's leaving too to go see his mom who's dying.

That's a topic.

Jesus Christ, dude.

That's out there.

So damn.

I think my family listens to this.

My family does not listen to this.

My dad tried to listen to it, and he said that it was just stoner movie recollections.

Yeah, that is 75%.

That's probably the nicest summation of the podcast you could offer.

Yeah, and it was anti-Israel, too.

Your dad thinks everything's anti-Israel.

Of course.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, he's accused waiters of being anti-Israel.

Did that happen for real?

Yeah, I think, actually, once.

Yeah.

What was the context?

We were at Chili's, and they were.

I thought it was maybe Dicks.

You know that place, Dicks?

Yeah.

The restaurant where they insult you.

The waiter comes out.

The waiter's stepping.

Has anyone been to that place?

I saw your dad.

I mean, he was like, oh, I got this one.

I'm going to burn that tip, dude.

You guys know that restaurant, Dicks?

It's this restaurant chain, Dicks, where like the theme is like the waiter's a fucking asshole, right?

And,

you know, so that you go to the table and be like, hey, nice tits, bitch.

You want the mozzarella sticks?

That's cool.

But if you go, there's a couple of them, and if you go on Yelp, there's always like one or two reviews from people that thought they were going to fucking Olive Garden.

And they're like, to call my 12-year-old daughter a fucking whore in training.

They put a whore in training on a hat and put it on her head.

Yeah.

A cone-shaped hat.

Yeah.

A Dunce cap.

A Dunce hat.

We need to bring back the Dunce cap.

I think that's probably like a Williamsburg thing we can get started.

Oh, yeah.

Like

a legit Dunce cap.

You should just go to a bar called Dunce, and everyone has to face the wall and wear one of those hats.

Oh, yeah.

That's the theme, you know?

You don't have to get made conversation at all.

That'd be so authentic.

That probably already exists, right?

They only serve Switchell.

Switchell and Mead.

There is a Mead place, in Ridgewood, Queens.

The Apple store in Williamsburg sells mead.

The Dunce dunce hats, so those are they look like the clan hats, right?

They're the same hat.

Yeah, well it's the same concept, really.

Oh, okay.

You say a bad word in class.

You begin to become a grand wizard.

Did they ever make you my in my fucking school they made you like stand up and look at the wall without the dunce cap?

That shit sucked dude.

I hated standing up.

That was such cool.

And it fucking did not was not cool.

I had back problems for no reason in particular.

Yeah.

And

couldn't think of why.

But it really...

Mr.

Richmond, fuck that dude, man.

He really was.

But when you fucked up or just...

What was the...

Yeah, when you fucked up.

But how would you fuck up that he would make you stand up for me?

I don't know, man.

I would do a good zinger.

You know, I would call...

I made fun of my friend for spelling his name wrong once.

And then

I think I told the story of the podcast.

He just spelled his name.

He got a 95 on a spelling test.

And it was at a 10.

And he got five points off for spelling his name wrong.

And that's what I learned about bullying.

Like, right then, I was like, you fucking idiot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's weird because teachers wouldn't usually do that.

Yeah, this lady sucked.

Mr.

King.

So I'm just name-dropping all my teachers from John Rurah Elementary School.

Hell yeah, you know it?

Do we have any graduates of that school here?

No.

Did anyone learn how to spell their name and get the degree from, or is it John Rurah?

John Rurah.

John Rurah.

Rurah?

That's a fucking hard name to spell.

That should be on the test, right, folks?

Oh,

I guess.

Did anybody say your school was haunted?

They said my school was haunted.

They're like, he was a guy.

He killed children.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, why would they name a school after a guy who murders children?

To get him to stop.

That's what

that was his deal.

That was the bargain they made.

He's like, we name the school after you.

You have to stop killing these kids.

I was thinking about Nightmare on Elm Street the other day.

Like, you know, so Freddy's supposed to be like this ultimate villain or whatever, right?

And the story is, is that he was like

a pedophile that people burned, and then he came back, and then he was killing teenagers.

And it's like, yeah, he was worse as the pedophile.

They still

made the right decision killing that guy.

I mean, a dead teenager is pretty bad, but it's better than a molested baby.

Yeah, right.

So wait a second.

Why did he start killing?

Why didn't he just fuck in his dreams?

Isn't that

right?

That would just be a weird sex dream.

I can imagine waking up and being like, that's weird.

I fucked a bernie guy with scissor hands,

a weird smelly kid sweater on.

Dude,

that wouldn't affect me at all.

I wouldn't be like, that must be revenge for something my parents did.

You don't think if you got raped every night for your whole adolescence, that would fuck you up in your dreams?

No, I seem fine.

I think I turned out okay.

Personally.

Yeah.

I don't know, dude.

That's a big fucking plot hole, dude.

Yeah, it is.

That's all I have, really, is pointing out inconsistencies in movies.

What about theater?

For like four years, I was going around.

I used to, I quit comedy now because I've made enough money to not have to do it anymore.

But for like years, I was going around doing a bit about that movie Homeward Bound, right?

A classic.

And I just drunkenly, completely forgot the plot.

I was doing this bit, like, yeah, so the plot is what you, yeah, I'm sure everybody's moved, right?

You've you've moved in your life.

Have you ever forgotten all three of your pets?

You wouldn't do it, especially the ones that talk, and then people would be like, you know, they wouldn't laugh at it.

And then it took literally four years for someone to be like, yeah,

that's not what happens after.

They don't move.

They go on vacation.

The animals are confused.

Wait.

Then I continued doing that bit for another six years.

Wait, those are some dumbass dogs then, dude.

No, they know how to speak.

They're.

But then, wouldn't they understand when it's vacation time?

No, dogs don't go on vacation.

They're smart.

They're just ignorant to

the process of.

Do you think the dogs just fucking kick back?

Just shit all over the you know what I mean?

Like isn't that what dogs want to do?

Just go fucking buck wild in the house?

Yeah, that's

what my dog wants to do.

Does your dog shit in the house?

Uh, no, not anymore, just when it was scared.

Adam got like a pit bull, and it's a very sweet dog, but it has to wear a muzzle everywhere.

Yeah,

which is that's weird that she still has that in her.

Yeah.

I gotta say, older African-American women do not like seeing my dog with the muzzle walking down the street, so much so that I get yelled at all the time for having that dog.

Yeah, but black people in general don't respect you.

Or people in general.

Yeah, don't respect you.

It's true.

It's true.

You don't have a face.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not my fault.

It's their fault for not accepting me.

For stealing their neighborhood.

One time we were in a botanga

and some lady just comes up to me and called Adam a bitch ass n-word and then she kissed me on the cheek and left.

It was awesome.

No, I didn't know this woman at all.

She just loved me and hated Adam.

Sight unseen.

It was was really cool.

It was actually really funny because right before Saav walked in, she tried to give this guy a hug in the bodanga, and he's like, if you pay me $20.

And then I gave her a kiss for free.

Can you get arrested for that?

Is that a type of prostitution?

A hug?

I feel like it should be more of a crime to sell emotions than it should be sex.

Oh, 100%.

That's more of a dissex.

I don't understand emotions at all.

That's because you've got a lot of people.

I don't understand my life.

Is that what the girlfriend experience is?

Yeah.

Yeah?

You just have an emotion.

Like, I feel like prostitution, that should be fine.

Walmart greeter, you should be thrown in prison.

I think to smite your job is to smile at people,

to fucking lie to them with your face.

That's fucked up.

I don't like it.

Yeah.

Well,

what are you doing in Vegas while you're there?

Going to the chicken?

Doctor with my mom.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, are you going to gamble?

Like, with cards, not with your mother's life.

Gamble?

We're going to go to to a restaurant maybe for her birthday.

Chili's tomorrow?

No, we're going to go to a restaurant.

They're going to go to Dick's.

They're going to go to Dick's.

They're like, oh, look at this bitch.

What's she got, Parkinson's?

Actually, yes.

She does.

And he's like, oh, it's that family again from before.

I'm sorry about all that anti-Semitism stuff.

I just really need this job.

Oh, fuck.

Thank God.

What are you doing?

Looks out of that, right?

Out of that family tragedy.

Comedy is the the best travel.

That's what it's all about.

They certainly don't have a cure for that shit.

So

we gotta laugh.

Comedy is all we have.

It's all we have.

It's a laugh at her children's.

I read better.

It's true.

I read the New England Journal of Medicine.

There was an article recently about Parkinson's, and they just said a comedy.

That's the only...

Just watch Patch.

That's all there is.

Yeah, Patch Added.

Just watch Patch Adams, you're cured.

Did Patch Adams save any of those children?

No.

I haven't seen that movie, but isn't that the plot?

Is that he's just like really shitty in medicine, but he's like, whoa, I'm a clown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Isn't that funny?

And he got J eyes.

He made them giggle their way to their deaths.

I would love it if that was just like the paper cut ward.

And he had like a 100% failure rate because he just needed band-aids.

Because he was doing rubber chicken.

Yeah, no, he, uh, and his girlfriend died because he, like, befriended a crazy guy.

Real sad, Patch Adams.

I don't remember that movie at all.

Yeah.

I saw it in theaters, East Point Mall.

Hell yeah.

Just saying stuff from Baltimore.

And

these four guys are going to be excited as hell.

You know, it's always weird that Coppola did Jack.

Yeah, yeah.

That's strange.

Yeah, I don't have anything funny to say about that at all, but that always weirded me out.

Yeah.

That he wrote so many great movies, and then he was like, let's do a thing where a man-child farts inside of a...

coffee can

and passes around with his friends.

Alright, we gotta start the show because our first comic has to get out of here right after the...

Sorry, you're waving at us.

no he's great and

we want to get we want you to see it what a fucking good ass professional ass and I don't he's his in time is important okay everyone hey oh ah

there we go

seriously though our first comic man thank you so much for coming guys and our first comic is great one of my favorites I've been I've been nude in a room with this man so many times

please a big round of applause for Mateo Lane everybody

Hi, everyone.

How are you?

Obviously, okay.

Everyone hates me already.

Hi, I'm gay, obviously.

No question.

Too many mic stands.

Give it up for Come Town, everyone.

Very funny.

Yeah, I remember Homeward Bound.

What a hot.

You know, the problem in Homeward.

Do you guys remember Homeward Bound?

The problem in that movie is Shadow.

He's just like an old senile fuck

that the rest of those idiots.

And first of all, he, I think that he wanted, what's the cat's name?

No, not Sally Field.

I mean, that's the woman who played her.

First of all, let me just say this.

I saw a babe first with her mouths like moved.

And then I saw Homeward Bound, and you know, their mouths don't move, they're just talking.

So for like 15 minutes, my stupid, like, seven-year-old self's like, who the fuck is talking right now?

It's just dogs biting buttons right now.

Sassy, her name was Sassy.

Yeah, Sassy, he wanted Sassy dead.

There was like that scene where like she fell over that waterfall, and literally it was the equivalent of Shadow just like looking over being like, Well, she's gone, let's go.

It's like, Shadow, you know, what a fucking old piece of shit.

I hated, I hated Shadow's relationship with Peter.

Like, what a weird, like, right?

It was like Peter was like, oh, I was like drawing Shadow at his school desk.

Why was he at his school desk?

Weren't they on vacation?

What a dumb movie.

All right.

Stupid, stupid, stupid film.

Hi, I'm gay.

Obviously.

Is anyone else gay here or just me?

Yes.

Hey.

Alright.

Thank you.

What a big.

Okay.

Well, it's just us two.

Welcome.

Did you have fun in middle school?

See, the thing, you did have fun in middle school?

Yeah.

Get out of here, you piece of shit.

If you had a good time in middle school, just get up and get out because you're not a good person now.

I just, I hated middle school.

And here's the thing, like, as comedians were never supposed, like, everyone's like, don't make fun of kids, like, especially like Baron Trump.

That's the thing now.

It's like, don't make fun of Baron Trump because he's a kid.

And it's like, fine, I won't.

But also, like, if I can think of one time in my life that people were the meanest to me, it was middle school.

Like, I, okay, so

my name is Mateo Lane, and my biggest fear is that everyone's gonna call me, like, Matteo Lame, you're so lame.

I was just so horrified.

Thank God they didn't.

They just skipped straight to faggot.

So it's like,

I fooled them.

It was horrible.

I hated sex at.

That was the worst class ever.

Because I had, okay, so my teacher, his name was Mr.

Full.

I don't want to say it.

Hopefully he's dead.

But

he was, the sex ed was horrible.

I'm from Chicago, so everyone in my class is just a piece of shit.

And like what he would do, I'm not saying it's homophobic, but he would have these like giant posters of like the vagina and like the male anatomy, and then he would point to only the male butthole and literally scream at sixth graders and go, This is an exit sign only!

This has nothing to do with reproductive.

I should have stood up and been like, then I fail.

Who has the time?

It was such a shitty class.

What we do is, okay, so like in the class, Mr.

Full had, I can't wanna say it's been on there because it's being recorded, so I've been saying it for the past couple weeks.

I'm like, whoa.

But he, okay, so we had like an anonymous question box because there was no Google back then.

Just 101 free minutes of AOL.com.

So what he would do is have this question box.

If you had a question for him, you know, you would answer the question.

And of course, like we just filled it up with like thousands of questions that were wildly inappropriate.

That were all about Mr.

Full and his wife.

It was all like, Mr.

Full, we don't know anything about sex.

So it's like, Mr.

Full, do you touch your wife's tit?

You know, whatever.

So like

a bunch of those, you know.

And the box, for some reason, had the little mermaid on it.

I don't know why, but that's a memory of mine, which is kind of all of it.

Oh, another rumor about Mr.

Full is that he didn't have any semen because he drank Mountain Dew.

Does anybody remember that rumor?

Right?

Remember that stupid rumor?

And what was like yellow five or something was the ingredient?

So stupid that he didn't have any semen.

Well, I love too that like sixth-grade boys were all like, uh, I can't drink Mountain Dew, man.

I've got to save my sperm.

For

what?

Your sock later?

Like, what are you talking about?

So,

anyway, so Mr.

Full, we had this anonymous question box.

And so we filled it up literally with hundreds of questions that were all wildly inappropriate.

And just, he should have known, because there's only 26 kids in the class and about 110 questions.

And we're all in the back of the class, like, answer the question box.

So

he would go up and literally read the questions like this.

He'd be like, all right, let's see the question box.

Mr.

Wool, have you and your wife?

I'm not answering that.

Mr.

Wool, have you ever...

I'm not answering that.

So, every single one.

So the one question he decided to answer, which it blows my mind to this day that he thought that that, obviously it was a fake question.

Like, I don't know why.

Okay, this, he just, I'm, all right, I'm just gonna say what it was.

He takes the question, he goes,

I believe that's a fair question.

This person wants to know what snowballing is.

So Night of Honesty, if you don't know what snowballing is, clap.

Just Knight of Honesty.

I want to know.

All right.

Wow, there's a lot of gross people in here.

Okay.

So this is what he says.

Sixth graders.

Keep in mind, sixth graders.

You tell me if you think this is appropriate.

Snowballing is when a man ejaculates into a woman's mouth and she spits it back in his mouth.

Sixth grade.

And of course, I'm an impressionable sixth grader, so I'm just walking around thinking my parents and teachers all spin cum into each other's mouths.

Except for Mr.

Full, he drinks Mountain Dew.

Oh, God.

Well, here we are.

I, uh.

I don't know.

I just.

I hate dating.

I thought that's like such a hacky thing for comics to talk about.

But with gays, it's even worse because all we have is like Grindr, which is a gay dating app.

It's like a step above, tapping underneath a bathroom stall.

And,

you know, Pokemon Go.

That's it.

Those are our options.

I'm really really like the thing is is like I feel like I'm just like a I feel like I'm a person who shouldn't be in

I'm too crazy when I date.

Is anyone else a crazy dater here?

Like I'm an intense human being when I date and I think no one's raising their hand.

You're all just mild.

Fuck you.

Alright, so

I am.

The thing is like I think it's like it's an ethnic thing.

It's like an origin thing.

Like it's of my Italian genes.

Like I should not be dating with people who aren't like okay.

I am like I I should, like, it's like an iguana.

I should be in a desert on a rock.

Instead, I'm in a fucking tank in some kids' room in Montana where there's snow everywhere.

Let me explain.

So I was, I, so I, dating in America sucks, so I went to Italy.

I have a lot of family in Italy, and um...

I was in Rome and I was on Tinder just swiping no to everybody.

And I found this one guy, Fracesco, so we matched.

And oh, by the way, in Italy, the men, they look so gay that I pass for straight.

It's a problem.

I look like I'm crushing pussy in Italy.

And the word for gay in Italian is just gay with an Italian accent.

It's just gay.

That's it.

If you're Italian, you know this.

Okay, so

I matched with Francesco, and he wasn't out of the closet, so the whole date kind of felt like a drug deal because he was like, meet me at this place at this time.

Like, okay, so I went to this place and I saw him.

He was literally standing in a shadow.

And I was just like, Francesco, he's like, come on!

You know, so like we we like, ran, and in one hour, the date was one hour, full opera.

Like, every emotion you could feel, I felt it in one hour with this guy.

Immediately, we started arguing with each other because he's not out of the closet.

So, I'm just screaming at him, like, ma ped que, don't wait,

do say gay.

And he's just like, no, camis canoe!

And then we immediately start making out, and

while we were making out, like, he'd never done this before, so he started yelling at it, like, he broke, like, he, like, started screaming at himself.

He, like, pushed me away, and he was like, Francesca, walking.

My dating in America is so much different, where it's just like, oh, so you have a brother.

That's interesting.

I need to go, but I have to say, you guys have been a wonderful audience.

And give it up for Stavros.

And

come town.

But

I'm sorry I have to go so early.

I'm such a piece of shit.

I have to go perform for other drums.

Bye, everyone.

Have a good night.

Shadows and asshole.

Terry Lane, huh?

My man fills out a sweatshirt.

Nice, huh?

That is a sexy boy right there.

Guys, we're going to keep the show rolling.

Seriously, the show is our favorites.

This next comic, a good friend of mine, super funny.

She's been on Comedy Central.

Big round of applause for Sarah Tolomash, everybody.

Let her hear it.

Hi, guys.

Very cool.

That's cool.

Feel the love in here.

That's good.

I did my taxes today.

Have you guys done that yet?

That's cool.

Oh, cool.

You're on it.

That's good.

I did it.

I hate doing them.

I feel like the hardest part about doing your taxes is like getting all that paperwork together and then like organizing it so you can just put it in an envelope and mail it to your dad so he can do it for you.

It's like, ah, who has the time for that?

So I'm just thinking about just going to HR Block and then see if they'll mail it to my dad for me.

I'm like, you guys are closer than the post office.

I have been hanging out with my dad a lot lately.

He's getting old.

Actually, he is old.

He's not getting old.

He's right there.

You can tell, though, because he's getting forgetful.

Like, I went shopping with him, and he ended up, he accidentally left my sister and I in the car.

We were fine, though, because we were in our 30s.

I was like, Dad, if we were babies, we would have died.

You know, instead, we just like watch YouTube videos and roll down the window.

Babies can't do that

because they're stupid.

Stupid babies.

Yeah,

he also can't hear well,

which is annoying because a lot of times when I'm hanging out with him, I'm just yelling and repeating small talk, which is frustrating.

It's so stupid.

Like, I was with him the other day, and I just said, oh,

it looks like they cut the shrubs out here pretty short.

And he's like, what did you say?

I was like, you want me to repeat that?

I didn't even want to say it in the first place.

And everybody thinks I'm so passionate about these shrubs outside.

Like, why are they so short?

Let's get on that.

So annoying.

I watched that documentary on Netflix,

Minimalists, I guess.

Is that what it's called?

I think that's what it's called.

Have you guys seen it?

Oh, cool.

When you, are you doing it?

No.

No.

Oh, but you're all by yourself, though.

That's pretty minimal.

That's nice.

You're doing it.

You don't realize you're doing it.

That's awesome.

So I did it.

It's cool.

It's where you throw away a lot of stuff that you don't need.

So I did it this weekend.

It's really liberating.

After a while, I was like, what else of my boyfriend's stuff can I throw out?

So cool.

It's really easy.

You just like, what you're supposed to do is you just pick up one of his objects.

And then you ask yourself, does this bring me joy?

And if it doesn't, you just toss it.

So no more Xbox.

It's cool, making progress.

We're down to three iPhone chargers.

That's good.

I did Uber pool recently.

Have you guys done that?

Oh, just a few.

Cool.

I did it by accident, though.

Like, I didn't realize I pressed the pool part on the app.

So the driver came and picked me up, and then he went to go pick up another person.

So I thought I was getting murdered

and I still didn't say anything.

I was just in the back seat, like, um,

uh, never mind.

I don't want to be a bother during my murder.

I was like, what was the other option?

Fight for my life and then be wrong?

That's so embarrassing.

You're like, sorry for scratching your eyes out.

I'll just give you five stars.

Seems even.

It's pretty good.

I I just got my cable and my IUD installed.

It was a bundle package.

Time Warner's doing some really great things these days.

So I have like 100 channels and zero babies.

It's like, yeah, it's pretty good.

I did.

I actually did get an IUD.

I did no research getting it.

Like, I just walked into Planned Parenthood and I was like, what are all the girls getting?

I was like, that sounds great.

Let's put that in my vagina for seven years.

I don't even know what it looks like.

It could be a Lego piece in there for all I know.

Just like a little Lego man hanging around.

It's like, nope.

Everything is awesome.

I think I did more research buying a cell phone than I did getting an IUD.

And those only last two years, and you don't stick those in your pussy.

So

I don't know what I was thinking.

So bad.

Yeah, I got the seven year.

I asked for the 20-year and they're like, we don't even make that.

I was like, you should.

Just set it and forget it.

It'd be pretty cool.

I have no idea.

Like, I really, I don't know how it works.

Like, does it just end, does it stop working on the night of the seventh year?

Like,

what does it do?

Text you when it's done?

Like, I have no fucking clue.

So weird.

But yeah, I got the year.

And then I guess when the seven years is up, they like take it out and then I open it up and look at all the stuff that I put inside of it.

I'm like, oh,

look at all these memories.

We're not even friends anymore.

So cool.

It's a cool time capsule.

But I got a well women's exam beforehand.

If you guys don't know what that is, it's where female comics go for materials sometimes.

A lot of times when you go there, they ask you questions about your sexual health.

And one of the questions they asked me was, how often do I give myself a breast exam?

And I don't really, just because I have small breasts, you know, like I'd see it.

Or I'd be like, oh, I should have cancer.

These knees are heavy.

I should get a bra.

Like, I know my inventory pretty well.

I've never like, oh no, there's more breasts back there that I forgot about.

But I didn't want them to know that I was that careless, so I thought the appropriate response was every day.

Guys, I overshot it.

I thought it was like flossing.

Like you floss and then check your breasts every day.

But then I was like, what girl doesn't touch your breasts at least once a day, right, ladies?

You're the only two in the front row.

Oh, yeah, you too.

Cool.

Right?

You touch them every now and then.

Like, right, later, you touch them.

No, like, like, sometimes they get itchy, especially when we're coming into some money, you know?

That's the same.

No, but they're like these, like, ridiculous-looking flesh mounds on our chest.

Like, they're silly.

Of course, we're going to touch them.

You know what I mean?

They're kind of like our balls in a way, I guess.

Like, guys touch their balls all the time.

They're like our one ridiculous item on our body, I guess.

Guys are just fortunate because they can just keep their balls in their pants.

Like, sometimes I feel like that's why guys don't take women seriously is because we have tits on our chest.

Like if guys had balls on their chest,

we would be like, that's a really dumb idea, Ted.

You need to go back to your cubicle and rethink what you said out here.

Stop wearing tight shirts to work.

Dub, it's crazy.

Are most of you guys from New York?

Oh, nice.

That sounds right.

right.

So you've seen people cry in public a lot, right?

Yeah, that's our favorite thing.

You've seen somebody cry in public before?

Yeah.

Like probably once today.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Sorry, that was too much information.

No, that's fine.

That's all I do up here is just tell you lots of personal stuff.

That's very no, it's like when the weather gets nice, we just go outside and cry here.

No, it's crazy.

I've only seen women cry.

Like I've never seen guys cry in public, but I have seen guys masturbate in public before,

which I think is y'all's crying.

Same outcome.

You're just tired and you feel good afterwards.

I guess because we don't have cars to cry in or masturbate in.

So we just do it outside.

I saw a girl crying on the train the other day and I felt so bad for her.

Like I wanted to go up to her and like teach her how to cry on the inside.

Like, I feel like you learn that as you get older.

Like, I'm crying right now, can you guys tell?

It's like a lot.

Mainly, because I'm in debt, I have a little bit of debt.

Not a lot, just like enough where I think about it all day long.

Do you guys have that debt?

One time I did get out of debt, and then I was like, now what?

You know, like now I have nothing to live for anymore.

So I just put myself back into debt again.

Life is good.

Goals, you know.

Like if you pay your debt off, that's great.

But if you don't and then die, like that's pretty great too.

That's the plan I'm on right now.

It's called the Fuck It Plan.

It's where you just like buy whatever you want and then you just die.

Make sure you die though.

That's the most important part of this plan.

All right guys, you've been real great.

Enjoy the rest of the show.

Thank you.

Let's hear for Countown.

One more time for Sarah Tolenba.

We're going to keep this thing rolling.

Our next guest tonight is the host of the Legion of Skanks podcast on the Gas Digital Network.

He is a real ass dude and he is also

someone that was such a fan of our invention, the nickname, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake,

that he has adopted it

as his own moniker.

Everyone, please put your hands together for Luis J.

Gomez.

Oh, there we go.

Give it up to that Jewish kid.

Come on, guys.

What a fucking day, guys.

Hanging out in Cumtown.

That doesn't sound good, right?

This sounds kind of gay.

All right, so I'll tell you guys a little bit about me.

I got a little boy at home.

He's four years old.

He won't stop crying.

I found him in Central Park.

And

yeah, but

yeah, he's hot.

You know what I'm going to do?

Yeah, I'm a pedophile.

That's my thing.

I don't know if you guys know anything about my act, but yeah, I'm the only openly pedophile comedian.

That's kind of my shtick.

You didn't go to my website?

It's like everything that I do is talking about fucking hot kids.

So

love

those hot kids.

Boys and girls, I don't discriminate, really.

I'm gonna be honest.

Tight, no matter really what

no matter what way you break it down.

Tight, am I right, miss?

Am I right, miss?

Good.

Alrighty.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm a dad.

I shouldn't be, obviously.

They should take him away after that joke.

I'm a dad.

I got a four-year-old son.

Are there any parents in this crowd?

No?

All young people.

One dude in the back.

It's alright, man.

It sucks having kids.

It's fine.

Don't tell you.

Can't do it.

It's hard.

It really is hard.

Change your perspective on everything.

Let me ask the gentleman a question, just the guys.

What's more important to young woman, a beautiful face or a hot body?

What do you guys say?

Face.

Face.

Hot body.

Body.

All the young guys say body, right?

They're like, put a fucking bag over her head, bro.

Face down, ass up, motherfucker.

Very immature.

Very immature, young guys.

I say face, and I'll tell you why, because you got to think about this.

If you're with a woman, you might have a baby with her one day.

If you have a baby with this woman, you want to make sure your baby has a cute face.

Nobody cares about your baby's body.

Nobody's like, my baby's got a whatever face, but his body is fucking sick.

No, you got to see this baby's body.

It's out of control.

He takes his shirt off.

He's got pecs, abs.

He's got that V-cut thing right there, where's his diaper really low?

Just shredded this baby.

My son is really cute, keeping with the pedophile theme.

My son's really cute.

My son's so cute, it's uncomfortable when people bring their average-looking babies around us.

Because you've got to pretend that they're all the same cuteness, you know?

I want to be honest.

I want to be like, yo, get your gross fucking baby away from mine.

Bringing down the property value.

My son's so cute that if he did get molested, I would be really upset, but I'd still have to be like, okay, that pedophile had great taste in babies.

Undeniable.

Undeniable how good his taste in babies was.

He should go to prison, but he should also have to choose the Gerber baby from his cell every year.

Because that would be a waste of talent if he did not do that.

He's the dude.

Guys, you listen to a podcast named Cometown.

Loosen the fuck up, okay?

What is going on here?

Yeah, man, it is.

It is hard.

It is hard having kids.

The hardest thing I've had to deal with so far is watching my son get bullied.

My son is the sweetest kid you'll ever meet.

Wouldn't harm a fly.

Such a sweet kid.

We're at the park the other day playing with his favorite ball.

This little girl comes up to him.

She pushed him.

She took his ball.

He started crying.

And I went to tell him, I was like, James, you're four years old.

You get away with anything.

Punch her right in the fucking stomach and take your ball back.

You got a small window where you're allowed to hit a girl.

I say, take advantage of it.

You know what I'm saying?

Because they're going to cut you off eventually, right, Miss?

What do you think the age is that they cut you off from hitting girls?

What do you say?

28?

I said, no, six.

That's the year, right?

Six is the last year you're allowed to hit a girl.

You see a seven-year-old hitting a girl, he's going to be a dick for the rest of his life.

He's going to join the lacrosse team in high school.

He's going to spend a weekend at Coachella.

He's going to get a job in finance.

That kid fucking sucks.

Nobody wants that little wolf of Wall Street, right?

And what do you do when your kid's bullied?

I started watching the UFC with him.

People think I'm crazy because he's four and I'm watching cage fighting with him.

But I'm like, fuck that.

My son's not getting bullied by girls anymore, you know.

I was watching the fights with him a few weeks.

He always on my lap.

His mom took a video of us watching the fight.

She posted it to her Facebook.

One of her friends posted a comment underneath the video.

She's like, oh my god, I can't believe you let your son watch that violent sport.

I was like, let him?

He's four years old.

I fucking make him.

Are you crazy?

He has no say in this.

I hold his head right up to the fucking TV set.

I hold his eyeballs open like clockwork orange.

Burning violent images into his brain.

Creating a warrior.

Give me two more years.

I'm going to go over her house and have my son beat the shit out of her husband in front of her kids just to come to fight.

She's going to ground and pound her husband on her front lawn while I videotape it and yell World Star.

Love the UFC.

You guys watch UFC?

It's my fucking favorite sport, man.

It's the only sport in the world that's changed the way that men walk around.

You know, it's changed the world, you know?

Because now you don't know who knows MMA.

There's an MMA gym in every city in this country.

So you can't judge a book by its cover.

You look at the shitty ears.

You're like, let me see your ears, bro.

What's going on with that?

Color flavor here, you know?

Like, sorry, you look pretty physically weak, but I don't know you, you know?

I see you.

I'm like, okay, there's Waldo.

He's not going to do shit.

He's.

You know,

but I can't judge you like that.

You might be like a jiu-jitsu guy.

I don't know, you know?

No, you're completely wrong.

All right.

So I'm wrong that you're tough, or I'm wrong that that you're that you know, I know, I was kidding.

I know you're gonna

chop.

It's a fucking comedy club.

We know, you're not, I can tell.

But you know what you gotta do?

You gotta at least you should try to like change your style.

At least disguise yourself a little bit.

Get one of those tap-out t-shirts with some flames on it.

You're like, all right, I'm not gonna fuck with that guy.

Shirts has tap-out right on it, right?

Getting a flitching shirt with a dragon across the shoulder.

You're like, this guy either knows MMA or he loves Game of Thrones.

Either way, he's a badass.

I take it a step further.

You know what I do?

I wear a karate uniform, I carry a trophy.

That's how I walk the streets.

Full karate gay, second place trophy.

Yeah, second place, because they're like, all right, that has to be a real trophy.

Why would he have a fake second place trophy?

Right?

Maybe I'm too high for this crowd.

I don't know.

I did just get high in the green room.

Are we allowed to do that?

No, we're not, right?

They don't work me at this club.

They can't ban me from a club they don't work me at, right?

Just take my dick out, smack this girl in the face with it.

Go on, let's get out.

What are you going to do?

They're arresting me, fucking teasing me.

You cannot sexually assault people in a club you don't work at just because you don't work at that club.

You psychopath.

It's hard, man.

My son, me and my son's mother, we broke up, so we're co-parenting.

They call it co-parenting.

And that's fine.

You know, we're both dating other people, which is always, you know, it's always tough.

I think I'm dealing with the worst end of the deal, though, because she started dating a black guy right after me, and that's really bothering me.

Is that racist?

Do you guys think that's racist?

Because it's not, and I'll tell you why.

Because it has nothing to do with the color of his skin, okay?

It's all insecurity.

It's this big black cock.

I can't get it out of my head.

It's killing me inside.

It's probably killing her inside, too, to be honest.

If you want to break it down from a scientific standpoint, right?

And it's not that my dick is small, it's just that my dick has nothing to write home about, you know.

I don't know who's writing home about their dicks, but

probably black guys.

I'm gonna read that letter, right?

Dear moms,

you should see my dick, it's dope.

I got the fattest dick on the block.

I don't know, it's a black guy in 1991, apparently.

My dick's the migga, make it a migana, make it a Mac.

My dick is not huge, ladies.

I know you were wondering, and this dude.

I know,

it's not huge.

I remember the first time I saw a huge dick.

It was the first time that I saw a porno.

Remember the first time I saw porno?

I was in the fifth grade, so that big porn cock.

I got excited.

I was like, fuck yeah, I'm gonna have that one day.

And I waited.

Fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade.

It wasn't until like the 11th grade that I realized I wasn't gonna have a huge cock.

I was like, fuck, I gotta develop a personality stat.

I've been being a fucking asshole to everybody for the past 10 years of my life, thinking I'm gonna grow a huge dick.

You will burn a lot of bridges when you think you're gonna grow a huge cock, right?

That's why trust fun kids act that way.

You don't need friends if you got a huge cock.

You know that saying, man's best friend is his dog?

The first guy who said that had a small cock.

You had a big cock, that's your best friend.

I would treat him like my dog, too.

Come on, boy, let's go pick up some bitches.

Some of these jokes you're not going to laugh at.

That's okay.

That's okay.

That's okay.

I'll tell you guys a couple more things.

Racism.

Let's get into the issues, guys, because this is a 98.9% white crowd.

It's a pretty white crowd, guys.

And that's why as soon as you start mentioning racial shit, you guys got all fucking tight, you know.

The black guy was loving it.

I talked about his big black cock.

He was like, ah, it's fucking true.

I knew I'm a big black cock.

It's great.

All the white people were nervous.

They were like, ah, what's going to happen?

Is this

guy and his big black cock going to start attacking everybody?

What's happening?

Relax, white people.

It's okay.

It's fucking, we can only laugh about it.

If we're not laughing about racial issues, we're fucking part of the problem, right?

You know?

So that's it.

Come on, everyone.

Say the N-word.

Ready?

One,

two, come on.

Three.

Fucking pussies.

Clap your hands if sometimes you're even a little bit racist.

There we go.

Finally, some honesty out of this crowd, okay?

Listen to me.

All white people are a little bit racist sometimes.

All black people are a little bit racist sometimes.

I know this because I'm Puerto Rican, and all white people and all black people are both very comfortable being racist against each other in front of Latinos.

Because you both think we're on your side, you know?

Do you want to know a secret?

Latinos hate both of you, motherfuckers.

I hate white people, and I hate black people.

And that's Latino privilege.

Because when the race war hits, we get to just wait to see who's winning and then choose that side.

Be like, ah, white power.

I was with these guys the whole time.

All right.

And obviously, I'm just kidding.

White people are not going to win the race war.

Have you guys seen the Olympics?

You're fucked.

You guys can't win a race, much less the race war.

I think racism is kind of funny, man.

I don't know, man.

Do you guys think Trump is racist?

You do, right?

Yeah.

Everyone thinks Trump is racist.

And you know what?

You're right, he is.

He's a 70-year-old billionaire.

Of course he is.

Have you met any 70-year-old from any social class that's not a little bit racist?

You don't think that Trump isn't fucking racist?

I just commend him for not saying the N-word anytime the camera's on him.

Oh my God, good job, Trump.

You didn't fucking let one spill out this time.

Good for you, buddy.

Old people, do you guys give them more room to be racist than younger people, like grandparents?

You do, right?

So fucking ease off of Trump.

He's a fucking grandpa.

He's doing the best he can.

He's out there.

He's hiring black people.

He's fucking shaking hands with Muslims.

What do you expect the guy to do?

That's way more progressive than your fucking piece of shit, grandma, okay?

Your grandma would not touch a Muslim.

I promise you, okay?

Definitely not.

Like, my grandma was the sweetest woman on earth.

I wouldn't hold a fly, but she said some racist shit.

I grew up in Rockland County, New York, which is right outside of the city.

I don't know if you guys know where that's at, but there's a little, you know, Rockland?

All right, back me up on this, then, okay?

There's a little stretch along Route 59 that goes from Spring Valley to Muncie.

Now, in Spring Valley, it's all Haitians.

In Muncie, it's all Hasidic Jews, okay?

So my grandma, I remember when I was learning how to drive, she would chime in with these little racist tips, okay?

And that's when everyone's racism comes out.

When the windows are rolled up, road rage rage kicks in.

Yeah, we're all a little racist behind the wheel of a car, okay?

And my grandma, she was just trying to protect me, okay?

It was old school, okay?

So I remember, she was like, when you're driving through Spring Valley, you got to be careful because these Haitians, they're going to try to steal your car, okay?

Lock your doors, roll up your windows, don't even stop at red lights, just go straight through.

Take the ticket, it's not worth your life.

And you know why?

She said it's because they have pirate blood.

She thought that all

Haitian people moved to the United States on pirate ships.

This is an old woman, though, you know.

But then she said you got to be even more careful.

Once you go down Route 59, once you get into Muncie, the Hasidic Jews, this is a quote, while they look safer than the Haitians, they're not.

Because what the Hasidic Jews will do is they'll wait till you're driving by, then they'll push their baby strollers in front of your car

so you hit their babies

so they can sue you.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a real lesson that my grandmother taught me when I was 16 years old.

That Haitian people have viral blood and that Jews are willing to sacrifice their babies for a lawsuit.

It's fucked up.

I know it's fucked up, okay?

But you want to know the most fucked up part about that story?

It wasn't actually my grandmother.

It was my mom.

And when I told the joke it was my mom, people were like, what the fuck?

Your mom can't say shit like that.

You know what's even more fucked up about that?

It wasn't actually my mom.

It's me.

I'm telling you right now,

you got a a rotten county.

These fucking Jews and Haitians, they're everywhere, guys.

So be careful is what I'm saying.

Okay?

All right, thank you.

Good night.

Get the ball in.

Original Puerto Rican Wild Street.

We're the two Puerto Rican routes.

I like when people get to find out who actually elected Trump.

You have this mental image in your head of some old right guy.

It's like, no, it's a trucker-hat Puerto Rican that forces his child to cage fight

that's that's very and you know what that really doesn't that's pretty mild racism for a grandma you know I had the most I have a white grandfather who excels at racism and the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life is he one time referred to black people as the Negroid contingency

I don't know what either of those words mean.

They didn't teach, that was science they were teaching in 1820.

I don't know how you fucking learned that,

I guess.

Lewis, the MMA guy, no one in here voted for Trump, right?

Not even as a joke.

Yeah.

It's fucked up.

I don't even know how to talk about it.

It's like all these comedians are like, well, this is going to be great for comedy.

It's like, first of all, it's pretty fucking selfish.

And, you know, racism by itself was already good for comedy.

We didn't need a president as well to do it.

So I don't really know.

The only break I get now is to just give myself context.

And what I find really funny is to think back to like just about this time last year, almost exactly.

It was like early March last year.

And remember how mad people were about that stupid gorilla that died.

You remember that?

How fucking upset people were?

About that gorilla, Harambe, that died?

And people are like, a dead gorilla?

2016 is over.

It's not going to get any worse than this.

It's like, yeah, just wait five minutes, you piece of shit.

How much would you give to have that gorilla back now to be able to personally shoot it in the face

if it meant the rest of the year just disappeared immediately?

I would do it.

I would kill that.

I would do it with a fucking toothpick.

I would do it slowly and painfully.

Full disclosure, too, I was also 100% on board with shooting that gorilla when it happened.

This wasn't in retrospect.

I was like, yeah, kill the gorilla, of course.

Especially when I found out a little boy fell in his cage.

That sealed the deal for me.

You already sold me with gorilla, I thought

basically any, gorillas,

chimpanzees for sure,

orangutans,

baboons get a pass.

Especially the ones that got, you know the baboons that have like face paint built in?

However the fuck that happened?

That it figured out how to grow face paint?

Those are cool.

But any like any monkey with a tail is fine.

I just don't like the ones that look that much like people, you know?

Like gorillas and chimps and orangutans.

Because I feel like if you look that much like a human being, you shouldn't get to be nude all the time.

You know?

They should put fucking clothes on them.

A hat at least, or maybe some suspenders.

I don't understand why, because you know, it's not even the, you know, the genitals thing, because we actually have much bigger dicks than them, which is probably why they're so dumb.

A gorilla has a pretty embarrassing dick.

It's that they have much nicer bodies than us, and they're also smart enough to know, you know, that they should be.

Some gorillas know sign language.

I will never learn sign language.

in my entire life.

That makes a gorilla smarter than me.

So, you know, and if you can sign, I love love you, well, I can see your dick, that's a sexual assault.

That's a crime.

You know?

And you should shoot the gorilla on that ground alone.

That should be cause enough to fucking ice that gorilla immediately.

I just thought, first of all, I was stoked when that story happened to find out that they keep guns at the zoo in case shit gets real.

Yeah.

That the fucking zoo was secretly very exciting and not just bullshit about learning.

You remember when

they would trick you into learning something as a kid?

Like you'd watch an edutainment show.

You're like, yeah, Arthur's pretty cool.

And they're like, actually, this is how science works.

And you're like, fuck off!

You did shit.

I want to learn anything.

That's what the zoo was.

Then people really thought that there would be, like, one of the zookeepers would be, you know, fucking loading the gun with a tear going down his face.

And then there would be another guy at the zoo that's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

Let's see how this plays out.

Oh, whoops, whoopsie-daisy.

Fuck.

Yeah, that boy's dead.

I'm sorry.

That's on me.

I didn't even, I don't even work here.

I was looking for the bathroom.

You should lock that door.

Basically, anyone with cargo shorts can just walk wherever they want in the fucking zoo.

That's the outfit.

I feel like the guy that shot, it must have been an Australian guy, right?

They're experts at that.

You can become a national treasure in Australia if you put on boys' shorts and harass animals.

That's her chief export.

It's those guys, I guess.

I don't know.

The other fun story last year was the.

Did you guys see the big Hitler story last year?

You get one, somehow, there's guys out there that are like, well, it looks like everybody's done all the other history.

I guess I'm just going to be a Hitler guy and learn something new about Hitler.

For like 10 years there, you could get on the bestseller list by just writing a new expose about Hitler, you know?

Like, ten years ago, it was like, Hitler was actually gay, because people still thought that was bad then.

So

you could do that.

That was fun.

And then it became like, yeah,

I found a letter from a teacher that said he was actually an idiot or whatever.

But the big story, the big Hitler story last year was that Hitler had a micro-penis.

Which, by the way, does not mean that it was hooked up to computers, as I initially thought.

It's something different.

I thought it was a tech thing.

I was like, oh, no wonder we gave all their scientists jobs immediately after the war.

It's genius.

I have to bring my phone into the bathroom to play Candy Crush while I shit.

He's got it on his phone.

No, so micropenis, I had to look it up, which

is pretty funny.

Micropenis means very small penis, right?

Which is like sort of a weird story to publish that about Hitler, right?

Because I don't know why you would.

What's the goal there, right?

To hurt Hitler's feelings.

But Hitler's...

Hitler's been dead.

Everyone knows.

He died in Argentina in 1972.

So

I'm not going to hurt Hitler's feelings now, right?

The tone of that article isn't, forget everything you thought you knew about Big Dick Hitler.

Got bad news for you.

Yeah, Brit, I bet you don't respect that guy anymore.

You thought he was cool.

You know, the Holocaust is pretty bad, but Big Dick, so you gotta listen to him.

I guess.

No, all you're doing with that story is singling out the most insecure group of men in the entire world, the micro-penis guys.

And you're like, guys, we've got breaking news.

I'm like, is it a cure?

No, not at all.

No,

you're just Hitler now, also.

So, you know, enjoy that, I guess.

You can borrow a shirt to wear into the pool if you want.

How do you cure today?

Because that's the one, you can't be a micro-penis guy, right?

That's with all the progress that people have made with like body positivity.

That's still the one you just

can't fucking.

Like if you had like a body positivity party, right?

Where you get like the whole crew together, right?

And then the music's bumping and the fucking lights are going, right?

And they're like, we're like, we're going to go around the room and everybody do their thing, right?

And then so it's somebody that's like, fat guy, and everyone's like, yeah.

You know, and then somebody that's like, I'm crippled, and they're like, Yeah, he's the best dancer, he's better than everybody.

Everybody, we're all gonna learn dances from him, you know.

You guys like, oh, I'm deaf, and they're like, Let him DJ, he's the one.

He gets the ones and twos, we'll put him on it, right?

And then a guy that's like, Look at my dick, look at it, like, ah, fuck,

shut the party down, the party, get fucked, everyone go home, please.

Get away from the Doritos with your fucking weird dick.

It's for everybody.

I guess.

Sorry, you're going to have to wait.

The micropenis guys now, they thought maybe it'll be like, you know, 10, 15 years, maybe micropenis will be accepted.

Now they have to wait until people forget about Hitler, and that's just not going to happen, I guess.

So another story about a fucked up law North Carolina passed.

A lot of people are like, which one?

Because we do that a lot.

They passed a law that says that trans people can't use public restrooms, which is fucked up.

I think I'm not going to pander.

I'm sure everybody agrees with that, right?

And we know that if you live in New York, because

you can't ban people from public restrooms, they'll find a way, right?

You know?

We tried to do that here with homeless people.

We tried to keep them out.

And now the whole fucking city smells like shit.

So make the bathroom off limits.

Now your whole city's a bathroom.

Good job.

But that story piqued my interest because then all these artists and companies started boycotting North Carolina.

And the last company I saw to boycott North North Carolina was Cirque du Soleil.

Like they thought that would work.

That Cirque du Soleil is like, this will stop them.

This will make them change their mind.

Like there's going to be some bigoted North Carolina lawmaker that's like, cuz, we have to have an emergency session.

We lost Cirque du Soleil.

Yeah, you guys know Cirque du Soleil,

the French mom clowns that wear latex and kiss each other in the air.

Yeah, they use ribbons to do parkour in each other's assholes.

They're not coming here anymore.

Like, Cirque du Soleil is what they think trans people are doing in those bathrooms.

It's like, we're in there, we got a lion, they don't even abuse it.

Like a good Christian circus.

You guys don't know.

Is anyone from the south?

Anyone?

Are you familiar with the thing that like they just get like lions and tigers and do these, like, I guess these weird type of Christians, they go around and just abuse big cats

for I didn't know that.

I lived in Texas for a couple years, and there was a place that was just selling a tiger.

And my friend was like, Yeah, I guess Christians just abuse.

I don't know why I even went on that fucking tangent.

All right, I'm going to bring up your next comic, co-host of the show.

Keep it going for Estavros Halkias.

Hey, all right.

Have a nice hand for Nick, everybody.

My boy.

Guys, thank you so much for coming out.

So nice to be here.

Let's get into it.

Let me tell you what's going on with me, gang.

I've been here.

I've been in New York about a year now.

I moved to a city where I can't afford the food.

And I walk everywhere, and I'm getting fatter somehow.

I don't know

how that's possible, but boy, am I figuring it out, you guys?

I think it has a lot to do with with halal cart, honestly.

You know, do you guys fuck with halal?

I'm living like an 85% halal cart diet at this point in my life.

Which is a real big issue, you guys.

Because I'm pretty sure the amount of time you cook meat should never be until somebody buys it.

What?

That's not a cook time, you guys.

That's not on any recipe, does it say cook time indefinitely?

I go back a lot.

It's tough because I'm an emotional leader.

You know, I use food as drugs, but I also use drugs as drugs.

Like, you shouldn't be able to eat a whole pizza just high on cocaine, but

I'm five for five so far.

Power through every time.

I don't know.

And my drinking's bad too.

I've been getting real drunk recently, but I've been getting a special kind of drunk.

I've been getting, well, it looks like I'm not friends with those people anymore, drunk.

You know that kind?

You're drafting an apology email the next day

and you're like, no, I'll just never see these people again.

That'll be so much easier.

If you're going to drink, here's my advice, right?

Drink with drunk people, right?

Because drunk people remember things exactly the same way you do.

Right?

You're reminiscing the next day with your drunk bros.

It's awesome.

It's like, dude, last night was crazy.

You fought that midget,

and then you hooked up with the hottest girl I've ever seen.

Right?

That same story with a sober person is just,

hey man, you hit a kid.

Yeah, you slapped a child and then you just kissed a lamp for like 20 minutes.

It was very strange behavior.

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I gotta lose weight.

I feel like I have to lose weight.

Mostly, thank you.

I appreciate that.

But I don't know, man.

I'm tired of being fetishized.

You know?

Not sexually, platonically, you know?

Because, like, people look at me and they're like, oh yeah, that's a big fat party animal, friend.

Right?

I'm more than that, you guys.

You think I just want to wear Hawaiian shirts?

No.

You think I only want to do cannonballs?

No.

I want to do other dives, you guys.

I can't.

People expect a certain thing from me.

I don't know.

I don't know what to do about it.

I also, but I don't know.

Not everything, the weight loss isn't going good, but some other things in my life are pretty cool.

My cousin recently came out of the closet, which I thought was pretty great.

Yeah, no, it made me really happy.

Thank you.

Yeah.

It made me really happy, you know, for two reasons.

Number one, I was really proud of her.

You know, like that takes a lot of guts to do.

And number two, now I get her half of our grandparents' inheritance money.

So, like,

that's a fun bonus.

No, just a joke.

We're never going to tell our grandparents, right?

We're just going to run out the clock on that one.

But it is crazy how homophobic some people still are in this day and age, you know.

Like, I went to the gay pride parade with my cousin and a friend of mine, and my friend said something I couldn't believe.

He was like, I don't get it, dude.

What do gay guys see in other guys?

They're hairy and they don't have boobs.

And I couldn't believe the backwards way he was looking at it because everybody knows it's not that gay men are attracted to other men.

It's that their parents sinned a long time ago.

God is punishing them with a gay child.

Duh!

Read the Bible every once in a while.

It's right in there.

I want to say chapter three, but I'm not positive.

So that joke went fine here, you know, but it has has bombed big time, guys.

One time a lady came, I remember I told that joke, and she was like, you can't say that.

That's blasphemous.

You're going to hell.

Right?

But she said it like it was a threat.

You know what I mean?

But like, if really religious people write about hell, hell is probably a pretty sweet place.

Right?

Number one, no prudes in hell.

We're talking second date.

Tops.

It's going down in hell, right?

Also, very very tastefully decorated, right?

Because of all the gay people.

Right?

You know how tacky heaven probably is?

Just a bunch of Bud Lightmirs and Mooseheads everywhere.

Thanks.

Send me to hell.

I don't know.

Thank you guys for coming again.

I gotta say, we mentioned up top, but a lot of very pretty women here tonight.

Fellows, do you ever see like a really pretty girl and and think to yourself, oh man,

the ways

the ways I would sexually disappoint her.

Anybody else?

No, just me.

I'm going through some self-esteem stuff, I'll be honest, guys.

My girlfriend, for the last year, she's been doing this thing where she exclusively dates other people.

And I think that's pretty rude of her.

Yeah, I'm going through a breakup and it sucks.

Honestly, I don't know.

The worst part about it is I realized I deserved it.

You know, I was a bad boyfriend.

Here's how you know you were a bad boyfriend.

While you're getting broken up with,

yeah, in the moment you're sad, but in the back of your head you're thinking,

hey, good for her.

She's going to turn her life around now.

This was what she needed.

I don't know what to to do now, guys.

You know, I'm single for the first time in a while.

I'm up against a lot when it comes to being single.

I feel like everyone's online dating, right?

Anybody here?

Doing it?

Yeah.

Yeah?

How's it going?

Good.

Good?

Good.

What do you use?

All of them.

All of them.

I mean, cast a wide net.

You know what I'm saying?

Who cares what we bring back?

I'll fuck it.

I'll tell you that much.

I use Tinder.

And, you know, I really like Tinder because I always assumed a lot of women didn't want to fuck me, but now I know.

You know what I mean?

Like now,

80 women a day pass.

So,

yeah, I don't know.

I hate all forms of modern dating.

I hate sexting.

Every time I'm sexting, I feel like a politician running for office.

You know, it's like, I'm making a lot of promises that deep down, I know I can't deliver on.

I don't know.

I hate dick pics.

Dick pics are out there now.

I don't want to be judged by my out-of-context dick, you guys.

that's why here's what I've been doing to combat this issue.

I've been making scaled-down versions of everyday items.

I just have a half-sized remote at home, you know what I mean?

Hey, hey, pretty big, right?

Pretty big compared to this normal remote.

I'm not even holding it.

I have a doll hand holding it.

You know what I mean?

Perspective, you guys.

I don't know.

I guess my biggest issue is: I'm just not good at being sick.

Like, I'm not good at the places single people go to meet.

You know, like, I'm not good in bars.

I'm not good at clubs.

No one's ever wanted to fuck me while Kesha was playing.

And look, ladies, I love with you.

Let's say we hit it off, and you come back with me.

The sex isn't going to be that great.

But the breakfast?

Huh?

What do you like?

Crepes?

We'll go crepes.

Throw some Nutella on those motherfuckers?

Right?

Avocados if you're nasty.

And then who do you want to cuddle with?

Some guy with his dumb abs poking you?

You can feel his bones.

This is a no-bones situation.

It's very comfortable.

And look, this last one's a little graphic.

But who do you think's really eating pussy?

You think it's the guy with the aerobic stamina to fuck all night?

Or is it me, right?

That's a very low-impact activity.

I just sort of lay down, not get winded, right?

So that's my pitch.

I don't know

what you're up to, but

fuck.

Just been stuck?

God damn it, that was probably so distracting.

I was trying to tape this set to show somebody this has probably been fucking teetering the whole time.

God damn it, I'm such a piece of shit.

Well, that's my set.

All right, guys.

Well, goddamn,

I am so annoyed at how that ended.

But what are you going to do, right?

We've got some more great show for you.

And coming up next,

one of our favorites, our little cumboy, give it up for Adam Friedland, everybody.

Good night.

All right.

Stop.

I thought you were fucking this up because you were fat, but uh

it's hard.

Okay.

One more time for Stavros.

It's funny.

It's funny because

as comics, we're all like, we act like we're friends, we're all naturally like competitive with one another.

But

Stav is like the only friend of mine that I actively root for

because heart disease is really rooting against me

so

I just want him to get on Carson before okay

I witnessed a miracle recently anyone seen a miracle

thanks

Thanks.

I witnessed a real life miracle.

It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

I work in Midtown.

I work at an all-women's divorce law firm.

I'm the only man there.

There's a men's restroom.

It's the only place I can be alone in New York City.

I hate my fucking life.

I was at Panda Express.

Outside my office,

arguing with my mom on the phone.

And I saw something, probably the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

I saw an old Chinese man, okay, in Panda Express.

One, that's weird.

What are you doing at a Panda Express?

It's a bastardization of your cuisine.

Why are you there, you old Chinese man, Door Explorer t-shirt?

I saw an old Chinese man holding his phone out and shazamming

hey yeah by outcast.

I cried.

I cried.

I openly wept.

I cry all the time in public.

I fucking cried.

It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life.

It's like one of those moments where you know, it's like that's, I'm never going to see anything that great again.

You get three of them.

I think you get three perfect moments.

I got that old Chinese man in the Dorian Explorer t-shirt.

And then I got, oh yeah, one time my friend's brother sent me weed from Oregon.

And I got the weed in the mail.

And I asked my friend, what's it called?

He's like, my brother didn't give me a name.

So I said, I looked at it.

I said, I'm going to call it Death Star.

Because it's circular and dense.

And then

he texts my friend an hour later.

He said, it's called Death Star.

And I fucking ran through a wall.

I Kool-Aid, man, through a wall.

And then I don't know what the third thing is.

I found an eighth.

I found an eighth on the ground one time

when I was 19 years old.

It's pathetic that two of the most lucky things to ever happen to me are weed related, but that's my fucking life.

I'm 30 years old.

I have 40, or sorry, 40.

I have $60,000 in undergraduate student debt from a college that is a fake college.

It's called the George Washington University in Washington, D.C.

Fuck off, fuck off.

It is a real estate scam with a college base on top of it.

I went there.

It basically is a place where rich people

can send their

failure children, fail sons.

Yeah, oh chapo, yeah, cool.

Cool, it's where you can send your fail sons for $60,000 a year

to get an education in Washington, D.C.

And it has a similar name to Georgetown, but it is not as good of a university.

I went there.

It was shocking.

I was a scholarship kid.

They gave me $40,000 a year, and I was like, I'm fucking rich.

I'm going to go to D.C.

It sounds like Georgetown, George Washington.

That's the first president.

Wow, that's incredible.

I'm going to go there.

I'm going to get a great education.

This is going to be incredible.

And I got there, and it was just all just kids with their parents' parents' American Express black cards.

And they were just like, Do you go clubbing?

And I'm like, I'm a boy.

I don't,

I don't go clubbing.

I am a boy.

And they were like, I've been clubbing since I was 12 years old.

And I was like, what the fuck is your life?

Where are you coming from?

I went to a dance club with some of these fucking fuckboys that I went to college with one time.

And I just put on a stripey shirt, you know, this kind of thing.

And

fucking loafers, and we went to the dance club, and there was a fucking Iranian man, you know, with a velvet rope, and uh they this guy just like get paid him off, some fucking kid that I went to, a boy that I went to college with,

and uh and he paid him off and he brought us to a private bottle service table, and it was just, it was the most pathetic experience in the world.

It was a club of adults, and then a section where there was a table, a Chuck E.

Cheese section,

where there were just boys dancing on a couch to Benny Banassi.

I was like, what the fuck is this right now?

This should be against the rules.

We are children.

We are children.

And thankfully, most of their parents lost a lot of money in the 2008 recession.

That's...

Yes, thank you for the applause.

Thank you for the applause.

I deserve applause for every joke.

So

I've lived in New York for two years.

I came here to follow my

comedy dreams.

Fuck.

Yeah, it sucked.

I used to do comedy in DC and I was like the glasses Jew.

I was like the one.

I was the one glasses Jew.

And then I got here and there were like just 75 other versions of me.

They were all named Adam Friedland.

I don't know how that's possible.

And they're like, we had the same argument with our parents.

We moved to New York and we want to follow our dreams.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

Fuck.

I'm spitting.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

It's fine.

Okay.

Alright.

I moved here.

I had a rough time moving here.

I had a really tough, tough break.

Before I moved here, I was dating a girl.

We lived together.

We had a whole life together.

We had a cat and an apartment, and then she started getting DJing lessons from my best friend.

And they're married now.

They got married to each other, they fell in love behind the ones and twos.

So romantic, guys.

It was like probably one of the most romantic love stories I can think of.

A DJing love story, Love in This Club, Mirror Max Pictures 2001.

Their hearts beating at a perfect 4-4 pace in unison.

It's pathetic to know that I'm a plot complication in

a DJ love story.

That's what my life has amounted to.

It's the most important thing that I've done, really, was get cucked by a DJ.

I was very depressed when I moved here.

I used to have these panic attacks

and I'd wake up at like 6 a.m.

and I'd remember how miserable my life was that I had no job and no prospects in comedy, and no woman would love me.

And so I'd wake up and I'd have these panic attacks.

And one morning, I had a panic attack that I hadn't had a vegetable in nine months since my girlfriend left me for my DJ best friend, right?

So I freaked out and I went to Key Food in Bushwick.

and I got every single vegetable I could find, right?

And I was just making fucking smoothies all day and salads and I tried to eat nine months worth of vegetables in one day.

So that night,

that night, Nick and I were at a comedy show.

It was like the third comedy show that I'd been to that night that they told me I was not allowed to perform at.

I was very sad.

I was waiting for the G-train and those nine months of vegetables just

needed to exit my body really badly, right?

And I was just pacing around the platform of the G-train.

I was like, please don't poop your pants.

Just please do not shit your pants.

You're 27 years old.

Just don't shit your pants in public.

I was walking around and a train came.

I saw the train approaching.

I was at the end of the platform and it stopped two and a half miles away from me on the platform and ran after it.

The doors closed and I wait another hour

for another G train.

I finally when I got on the train on my way home to Bushwick I sat down and about five minutes later I poop I cock-cot

I poo-pooed in my pants.

Okay I crap I shit myself.

I shit myself and I was wearing shorts.

I was wearing sh.

I was wearing shorts on the train and I had wet vegetable poo in my pants and I was just elevating my pants so that the turds wouldn't fall out of my shorts.

And there was this old nurse and she saw me and she smelled it and she was clearly just off of an eight-hour shift.

She smelled the shit and she was like, oh fuck no.

I was the smelly guy on the car.

I was that guy.

Anyway, I get back to Bushwick and there's just shit falling out of my shorts onto the street.

So much so that when someone the next day would see the crap on the street, they'd be like, someone needs to pick up after their dog.

But it was a man.

It was a sad man.

Anyway, I get back to my block.

And it was summertime.

And some kids on my block had popped a fire hydrant.

Classic.

Classic New York, right?

Popped a fire hydrant.

It was so hot.

They were playing outside, just like in the movies, right?

So cool, so authentic.

So I made the executive decision, because I had shit like down my legs,

that I was going to drop my shorts

and my underpants

with

my dick just flapping in the wind.

I was going to just put, there was no one out, it was 3 a.m.

I was just going to place my asshole on top of the geysering fire hydrant, right?

So as to clean the the shit out of my fucking ass and then go back to my apartment.

Um anyway

the second my ass touched the water

three Puerto Rican boys on bikes rolled up

and they saw me just squatting there

just looking sad and confused.

They've looked at me and they're like, oh fuck, oh hell no

They're like, you gay as shit, man.

I was like, I'm not gay.

I'm just new to the city.

I'm new.

I'm not gay.

Is that my time?

Yeah, I think that's my time.

I think that's my time, everyone.

I'm going to bring up my co-host,

Mr.

Sub.

Thank you so much for coming out.

Thank you, everybody.

Thanks, gang.

Show.

Jeff Fun.

Honestly, guys, this is like,

there's no irony.

This is serious.

This is surpassed.

Holy shit.

You guys listened to our thing?

Yo, real quick, though, shout out to my man with the Ravens hat on.

I see you, dog.

Thank you so much.

Dude, Ray Rice, not guilty.

Y'all got to feel it.

Ray Rice was framed, dude.

Yeah, he was framed.

Yeah, my cousin worked at that elevator, yeah.

Y'all ain't seen them real tapes, yo.

There were some rural tapes.

That's my favorite.

My favorite gun dog character is the guy that worked in the elevator.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Elevator worker?

Yeah, that's it.

They still have those here.

Bellhompoes, yeah, like fancy hotels.

He was like, no, I mean, there's freight elevator guys who are the most miserable people in the fucking world.

Yeah, the local 91286 fucking

freight elevator operators.

Because they have to just listen to Jewish women talk about their couches.

I gotta bring my couch over there at 4 p.m.

It's a very expensive couch.

Jose, what's your name?

Yeah, anyway.

Sorry.

Wow, dude, that was pretty indispensable.

I felt a lot of, yeah, I felt a lot of, well, fuck Jewish women.

How else are they supposed to get the couch in the building, dude?

Yeah, dude.

I guess you don't like couches?

You just want to fucking sit on chairs?

Listen.

Chairs aren't comfortable.

To stop, a couch is a chair.

I had a lot of con.

Yo, anyway, I felt confidence for my set, and then I just went with that.

That riff, yeah, that rift off.

But, yeah, okay.

You're not going to have every jazz.

Yeah, one of the great, and we actually compiled a clip show from the show.

So we're going to play one bit,

everybody's bit.

You're going to hear Lewis beating his kid again?

Yeah, how fucking

hell?

Lewis is gone.

We can all laugh.

Yeah, we can all laugh at Lewis.

You upset fucking rules, dude.

I know you guys don't like it because you're not strong like I think I am.

You guys say he's fucking awesome.

Yeah, that's the guy we make fun of, the Puerto Rican rally.

He's a funny guy, but

he earnestly wears tap-out shirts.

Which I don't understand how you do.

The hubris of a tap-out shirt.

Absolutely.

The most incredible thing is that.

You take like one class, one

adult karate class,

and then you get the shirt that says, I'm ready to fight anyone I see.

The most incredible thing about Lewis is that he's never watched football before.

He's not into any sports because other sports have like rules

and a concept.

Other sports aren't just reminding him of

childhood, basically.

NASCAR, what's that stand for?

What's a car?

I don't understand

what's a ball.

Why are the balls shaped different?

Oh, two people punching each other in the face.

That makes sense to me.

Well,

I want to make fun of our friend Mateo's gay.

You saw that shit?

Nice.

Yeah.

You saw that shit?

Yeah.

I was like going to the gym.

You saw that shit?

You hear me?

Cool.

Cool.

We're all chewing gum right now.

Yeah, cool, guys.

Yeah, I need to.

Well, I was intimidated by Lewis, so I needed needed to take it up a notch.

So

gum is tap-out shirts of the mouth.

Well,

I don't feel bad making fun of Lewis, because apparently on his last podcast, he pulled up a picture of me, and he's like, Yeah, he looks like a

Jewish kite juke.

I was like, oh, God, it's creative.

It's creative.

I want to get, you know, there's a.

What's that?

Adam, beat him up.

Yeah, beat him.

Yeah, right now we're challenging Lewis, Adam, Lewis in the octagon, right?

Me and Nick will be in the corner.

Lewis says, Lewis, but there's this guy, Mickey Gall, that does Legion of Skanks, who's actually a pretty cool guy.

He's a human being.

He's a real fighter, yeah.

And Lewis keeps challenging him to fights.

And they keep taping the fights.

And he's like, I'll fucking kick his ass next time.

So he will absolutely fight you.

Well, he got in my weight class.

I've been sick for 13 days.

I weigh about 134 pounds.

We'll give you a weighted hit.

No, we should do like wire fighting, like Crouching Tiger, where you get a wire and Lewis doesn't.

Oh, that's cool.

Swoop in.

As a policy,

as a policy, guys, I'm always wearing a wire.

Would I really

fucking snitch D?

I really want to get Lewis into.

Are you wearing a wired?

Check his

fucking wire.

I want to get Lewis into this sport that's called.

They call me Big Pussy Free Flanders.

That's not why we call you that.

How's that?

I cut you off.

You did.

Three or four times.

Well, I'm so excited to mention chess boxing, which is a thing I found online where you play a round of chess and then you punch each other in the face.

Is that what Wu-Tang talks about?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think

the space or weed element, but yeah.

Kung Fu.

Chess boxing.

So you get, I want to be like a chess boxing guy, and instead of a tap-out shirt, I just get like a tribal tattoo, an old English tattooed directly on my brain that just says check me.

I'm the tough chess boxing guy.

If the three comeboys ever got at an octagon to fight, we would just end up having sex with each other.

Yeah, we'd finally be free.

Octagon.

Yeah.

Let's set up whatever we need.

First blood.

First come.

Whoever comes first wins.

That's like we did.

Was it icky bicky where you all come on the biscuit, but stop keeps eating the biscuit early?

Yeah, like they're supposed to beat off first.

It's like, you know how I am around brands.

Dude, I can't help myself.

I need the carbo fuel to beat off.

Can't beat off on an empty stomach.

I don't know if we...

We mentioned this on the podcast, the LMFAO thing.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we did.

No, that one's just blatantly homophobic.

Yeah.

No, it's ironic.

It's ironic, but this it would be funny if there were three guys that enjoyed cum, those kind of guys, that went into a shit.

And Mateo and two of his pals who also looked like Mateo.

Yeah.

Me and Soph.

He went into a sperm bank and while the song shot, shots, shots, shots.

Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.

And they're like arm in arm.

That's just.

Doing this, doing the fucking.

Yeah,

that's one of the sketches we're going to film.

I have like a Word document with shit like that written in it from like 2006.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to write sketches for myself.

We should do a viral dance video.

I've been talking about it.

What do you guys think, huh?

I was doing just the other sperm bank.

I don't know how to dance.

I'm sorry.

Dabs and shit?

We'll figure it out, but I want to do like a hidden camera show where you shoot it.

You somehow shoot it inside the lobby of the sperm bank, right?

Okay.

Facing out to the parking lot.

Cool.

And then you have a guy pull up in a car and he just gets out of the driver's seat with this giant bucket.

He gets like a foot away from the door and trips.

He goes all over the window.

And then that's the

show.

But then you do it, that's every prank.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the next time it's a pizza restaurant.

It's just a really good coincidence the first time that it makes sense.

And then in season two, he has a giant cell phone that he's screaming into, but he's also got the bucket of company.

Yeah, yeah.

And then we sell it to SNL because at the end he goes, hmm, Donald Trump, no thanks.

Well,

yeah, that is Donald Trump.

No thanks, guys.

PU, folks.

Tune in next week.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming.

All your money is going to Bernie

Bernie Sanders for the last election.

We're going to give it to him for the last election that's over.

Well, a lot of people don't know this.

He never had a bar mitzvah.

So we're raising money

on Bernie Bar Mitzvah.

I'd love to go to Bernie's Bar Mitzvah.

A DJed by Adam's ex-girlfriend.

Yeah.

She's got giant fake sunglasses on.

No cat in a hat hat.

Oh, hell yeah.

This is

a bunch of Jewish parody songs.

You guys know how bar mitzvahs work.

I want to be one of the...

Do you remember at Bar Mitzvah?

I don't know how many Jews are here.

You remember the motivational dancers at Bar Mitzvah's?

What?

Yeah.

Motivational dancers?

Yeah, they'd have the DJ and they'd have like

dancing Tony Robin in the front.

Is that supposed to be for motivation?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, these 13-year-olds want to kill themselves.

To help the German.

To help the boys.

To help the boys.

I don't know.

Did you get it popping?

Yeah, that's where I learned how to grind dance at Bar at Bon Mispus.

I just used to fucking comb my pants.

Every fucking.

Just Rebecca Goldstein just fucking

lied to her child pussy on my Torah.

And that's my understanding of a bar mitzvah.

That's what I think is in the end of the day.

It is in the Torah.

That's what it's in the Torah.

I tell people, and that's what I post online.

Yeah.

But yeah, no, you guys are great.

That's the show.

What's that?

Real quick, the Red Sea parts, but it's come.

Yeah, it comes back.

Well, thanks.

That's the end, guys.

Thanks.

Just find a stick that way.

One last thing.

If you guys, on Monday or in Brooklyn, we're doing another show.

The three of us are going to be doing another show.

Come on, everybody.

We do it once a month, the fourth Monday of every month.

Maybe some of you have been to it before.

Funny balls.

Thanks a lot.

You guys

are.

You're the best.

Thanks, guys.

See ya.