Ep. 40 – Valentimes

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Oh.

Woo!

It's

Valentine's Day.

It's February 14th, 2017.

It's Valentine's Day.

We're all oiled up.

Yeah.

Nude.

We're sitting in a hot tub together.

You're not allowed to wear clothes on Valentine's Day.

If you're not fucking on Valentine's Day, you're gay.

That's what they used to say in my high school, dude.

All the bros were really into Valentine's Day.

That's awesome.

They come in wearing, you know, like Cupid outfits, and they're like, yo, who's gay today?

Who's not fucking?

And they would, you know,

could you get at you?

They would beat you up, dude.

They'd shoot arrows at you and beat you up.

What happened to him?

You didn't have dates.

Yo,

we're about going steady, dude.

Okay.

Did you have to have an emotional connection with the girl?

No.

I mean, yes.

Okay.

Let's not be gay.

That's what it looks like to just fucking feel nothing.

50s bros are all about that.

They're like, yo, I'm trying to fucking like hold hands with Dot.

I'm trying to 50 my dude.

Yeah, dude.

I want to go get a multi- I'm trying to fucking

get my dick rubbed on Make Out Point.

Leather is late.

No, I thought you just sort of sat in those cars and then like argued.

Nah, you definitely get.

You did an OTPHJ.

Yeah, for sure.

Over the past few months.

The dick doesn't breathe air.

I don't know, man.

I read the O'Reilly Factor for Kids, which is the definitive text on

hookup culture in the 1950s.

And it was mostly from what I could gauge is you would make vaguely anti-Semitic statements and then

compliment a girl's poodle skirt.

And then

you would go home and not come until you're 37 years old.

That sounds awesome.

I wish that was my case.

Yeah.

You don't come.

Didn't Bill O'Reilly, what was that thing he like

called someone about a loofah putting it in a pussy or something?

Well, he had a sexual harassment thing.

Basically, every one of those guys gets addicted to Vicodin at some point.

Yeah, what is that?

Rush living in the business.

Well, dude, Vicodin is tight.

It's great.

Have you had that shit?

You have backed it.

You can see and then you become a

reason those guys.

The reason those guys are so prone to

pill addictions is because they've

never done drugs in their life.

Right.

And anything that's not a legal prescription or whatever, they see is like nefarious and for black people or whatever.

So they hit fucking, you know,

50 years old, 55 years old.

They haven't exercised since they were, you know, like on the fucking JV basketball team back in 1942.

The all-white fucking basketball.

Just doing chest passes?

Blow out their back, fucking,

you know, moving all their Nazi memorabilia around in the attic.

And then they need fucking, you know, Vicodin, so they get their Vicodin prescription and they eat the entire bottle within the first three weeks.

And then that's how you get like a

limbar or

a Reilly situation.

And then

they can justify it because it's like, well, you know, I need it.

It's a daughter.

When I do

opiates all day long, it's a lot different from some Cadillac queen spending her welfare money on

food she doesn't deserve, like dunkaroos and soda.

If you're not spending your EBT card on broccoli and mud, on food I haven't eaten in years.

None of those guys have had a green broken.

You have to eat nothing but mud.

If I see you with sneakers, if you have nice sneakers on, I'm fucking spending my tax dollars.

Are you happy on Dunkaroos?

I'm sorry.

Are government dollars making black people smile?

No, thanks.

You are lucky that I am on nine different prescriptions to OxyContin right now.

Otherwise, I'd come over there and kick your ass.

Yeah, dude.

I can't even imagine never doing drugs and then just getting your dick sucked by OxyContin and Vicodin.

Oh, yeah, those guys are cute as fuck.

What do you think that guy?

What do you think he watches to unwind the drugs?

I think he watches probably

Bob Ross.

Just Reagan movies.

Oh, Bob Ross, yeah.

Bob Ross is cool, though.

The thing about opiates that's great, though, is you don't need to do anything.

True.

That's kind of why weed sucks, because if you just smoke weed and sit in a room, you're like, oh, I got to kill myself.

Yeah, you got to have something to do.

You got to have something else.

Whereas if you took two...

80 80 oxies or whatever, you don't need to.

And sat in bed, you're like, this is perfect.

Yeah, I don't even need to to turn the lights on.

Yeah.

I used to, my, I don't know if I told this story in the podcast.

My college roommate got in like a car accident or something.

And he had like, he was a pussy and he

wouldn't do the drink.

He wouldn't take like, it wasn't even like real serious ones.

It was like Tylenol with Viking or Tylenol with Perk or whatever.

Oh, I thought you were saying he was a pussy and that's why he needed the oxygen.

No, no, no, no.

He was a pussy and he wouldn't do drugs.

Yeah.

Even when he was like, I guess, in pain or some shit.

And I just, over the course of a semester.

He's strong and brave.

No, he's a bitch.

He's a bitch, trust me.

Over the course of a semester, I just, it started with like, there was like 30 pills in there.

And the last day we moved out, there was three.

And I never addressed it.

I would just like periodically just take one and pop one and go eat college cafeteria dorm food.

And it was just made, exactly.

You don't have to do shit.

It just makes going to class like the, I was like, dude, I fucking love learning, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

I fucking love.

And then meanwhile, you're not learning anything.

So your brain just shut off.

I legitimately don't remember that.

I remember trying to study drunk one time for like a nutrition class, and I just sat there reading every page in the nutrition book.

And then I'm like, yeah, I don't even remember.

Absolutely.

I got nothing.

I have, I can't even.

Even what I read two sentences ago.

Didn't I say that, like, there are a bunch of great writers that only wrote drunk?

Writing drunk is easy.

I can't do that shit.

Writing drunk is

learning drunk is the problem.

Yeah, you can't learn drunk.

Oh, you can't learn drunk.

I can't learn on anything, dude.

I can't.

Any drugs, I'm just trying to fucking hang, dude.

Maybe, Maybe, actually, I guess Adderall, or I guess Coke in theory.

No.

You could do Coke and like read.

Yeah, you could do Adderall.

I like Adderall.

I like to take Molly sometimes and just code for hours.

You know what I mean?

Isn't that what coders do?

They micro-dose or whatever?

Probably.

They do acid.

They do a little bit of acid.

They do it like three times a week.

And it takes like a tenth of a hit of acid.

Every programmer does that.

That's like it's really big.

You know.

You know what's the look that needs to come back is the early nineties programmer look.

Oh, yeah, like Morpheus kind of looks like it.

No, where they went like just full pedophile.

Like, you ever see pictures of Will Wright, the guy that uh that made all the Sim City games?

No.

He just they used to I remember like uh

at uh at like the daycare center I went to and like the computers they had like uh Sim City or one of the sim games, but it had like a picture of him beforehand.

We'd probably be like, this was created by Will Wright or whatever.

And I thought it was a joke.

I was like, that's not.

Just a short sleeve button up with a tie.

This kind of look on his face.

I mean, he looks like a pedophile.

Yeah, like the Stapler guy from Office Space, but not Nolton.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was the look.

That was the look.

That's when you think of as a nerd.

That's an old school nerd.

Classic pocket protector.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Have you ever seen a pocket protector in your life?

That was like the go-to joke for a nerd, especially Save by the Bell, like Screech.

Or actually, the nerds that were.

I guess there were these nerds that were even lamer than Screech that didn't accept him because he wasn't nerdy.

This was the picture that would come up.

Oh, God, dude.

Oh, my God.

My man fucks kids.

I know.

He looks like Martin Starr from Freaks and Geeks.

Oh, man.

I was reading some article about autism the other day.

And the

header image for the article was.

where was the article in the New England Journal?

His mom sent it to him.

It was on Slate.

And the header for the article was a picture of the guy that plays Sheldon on Big Bang TV.

That's so fucking good.

Does Sheldon have autism on his show?

That is the show about people with autism.

Have they ever seen that?

I guess.

It's the companion.

It's called

Big Bang.

Really Big Bang.

That's the name of the show.

Really Big Bang.

Oh, that's a big bang.

Oh,

definitely a big bang.

Definitely too big of a bang.

You need to make the bang smaller.

Everyone is autistic.

What?

The Indian guy's autistic.

Yeah, they're all autistic.

Doesn't one of them fuck like a hot one, the blonde one?

Well, autistic is the top of the Indian caste system.

If you're a good cow,

if a cow behaves well and makes lots of chocolate milk, they come back.

That's an autistic guy.

So

it's an autist, and then beneath that is the guy with eight arms, the Goro guy.

And then the third is a Bollywood guy.

And third is the guy doing a jaihoe, just a really sick choreographed dance.

Yeah, yeah.

Those shits are tight.

There was a fucking.

You know, I always wondered about the deities that are like, you know, it's got an elephant's head or a dog's head or whatever.

Does that mean that it's a dog's brain?

So it's just a dog that has a human body and it's just pissing and shitting everywhere.

But it's just scared.

The elephant head one, that's got to be way too heavy for the body.

Yeah, but it's like a strong head on the ground and

it looks for peanuts.

And you can put your trunk in pussy.

Yeah.

It would probably just suck its own dick.

Oh, yeah.

You could suck your own dick with a trunk.

Standing completely straight up.

You wouldn't have to bend it off.

If we have any Hindu listeners, if you could fact-check this for us, let us know.

Does the Indian elephant head guy suck his own dick with the trunk?

Because if he doesn't, what's the point of being a god then?

Absolutely.

I mean, I would imagine that's why he is a god.

Yeah, definitely.

He won a dick sucking competition and they put him on Indian Mount Olympus.

Yeah, I wonder if that's in the Kama Sutra.

Absolutely.

Is that one of their religious texts?

Yeah, yeah, that's their Bible.

Yeah, yeah.

That's one of the books.

Bhagavad Gita, Kama Sutra, Slum Dog Millionaire.

The screenplay.

The

tiger guidelines and rules to get your New York City taxi medallion.

Are they even Indian or I feel like it's mostly other places?

The cab drivers in New York?

Yeah.

I feel like

Bangladeshi, like Indian adjacent.

South Asians.

South Asian.

There are a lot of

North Africans.

Eastern.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's true.

And I thought they were all German.

Middle Easterners.

I thought they were all the new Germans that we've been hearing.

Are there new Germans?

Yeah, the face of New Germany.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Tight, dude.

No, I'm happy for Germany.

First of all, if I mean, we should be happy, like, even

if you think that

there's cultural erasure happening in Germany or that, you know,

the Germans are being, there's like a white genocide happening, which is not happening, but if you feel like that is happening in Germany, good.

Germany sucks.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Germany deserves that to happen.

If any country deserves it, it's Germany.

I don't fucking have a BMW or a Mercedes, and that's the only two good things Germany has.

And honestly, schnitzel is not that good.

It's not that good.

It's okay.

It's fine.

It's not bad.

But there's so much better meat in the world.

You know, I thought Wetzel's pretzels was German.

Apparently, it's not.

It's New Jersey.

What?

Well, yeah.

Well,

there's nothing going on.

Even sauerkraut.

I don't fuck with sauerkraut.

I like sauerkraut.

But I like it on a, on a, like, uh,

you have rye, sauerkraut, and

liverwurst and deli mustard.

No, thanks.

That's a good liverworst and sauerkraut.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I have that right now.

I would put Provil on top, and then I would broil them open face.

I'm with you on the broiling.

One thing Germany does have is that Angela Merkel, she's a fucking piece of ass.

Yeah, but she's sexy.

That is one fine piece of ace.

You know, her middle name is Steve?

Fuck, I was looking.

There's like 10,000 refugees come in the country and rape a bunch of people.

And she's like, Did I do that?

Did I do that?

There should be like a German called

that runs against her, and his campaign slogan is, Go home, Steve.

Angela, Steve Murray.

Sorry, Lara.

Fuck.

Family Matters, if you translated that into German, would probably sound really Nazi-ish.

Just the word Family Matters.

Wait, yeah, Family Matters?

Like the Volkish Siegen,

something terrible.

It would sound like, you know, let's do the Holocaust again.

If you can translate that word.

Don't they have like real gay-ass clubs in Berlin?

Yeah, they have like

where you just like.

Yeah, they have.

I think I read that in

real gay ass clubs.

No, I mean like ultra gay, as gay as a club can be.

Well, I think

pretty much all clubs are gay.

That's true.

There's not a single club.

Let's defer to gayness to Adam.

Yeah, okay.

So, yeah, Germany does have a bunch of really gay ultra clubs,

big techno clubs.

Berlin is like a techno center of the world.

Have you ever been?

No, I haven't, but there's this club.

I've never been to a sandwich.

Bergheim.

Yeah.

Oh, I've been to clubs.

I've never gone to a club in my life.

I've been briefly, they suck.

Wear a club sandwich?

Hey, what the fuck?

You like club soda.

I like club soda, also.

Thank you.

I like the kind of light.

Oh, thanks.

Actually, you tried to assault me, but I like both those things.

So thank you.

Should it just be called not soda?

Club soda?

Now we're thinking.

This is not soda.

What do you mean?

It's got bubbles.

Yeah, that's seltzer.

It's a type of soda.

Yeah, what's the difference?

There's no difference.

That's like a Seinfeld opening bit, dude.

No, it's an original.

Shouldn't it be called not soda?

Yeah.

If I go to a restaurant and I'm like, let me get a soda, they'll bring you Coke or Pepsi.

Sure.

Because they know what I mean.

They'd ask you what kind of soda.

They wouldn't just bring you Coke or Pepsi.

No, they would bring you.

If you said soda, these Bernie Mac ads, if you want a Pepsi, ask for a Pepsi.

I was on a tone of the commercial was like, yeah, we understand Coke is superior, but I was on a plane a couple of months ago sitting next to this gay guy and he was like, They were like taking drink orders, and he's like, Yes, Diet Pepsi, which I've never heard anyone ever order.

Yeah.

She's like, We have Diet Coke, and he's like,

I love when people care one way or the other about you.

Yeah, that guy is like a fucking Diet Pepsi.

First of all, most places have Coke, right?

I don't know.

I like a Diet.

He did a really loud tongue click, and then he was like, I'll just have water.

Really?

Yeah, he just

didn't have Diet Coke.

Interesting.

What the fuck is the difference?

None, dude.

You're fucking picky ass.

Honestly, I don't even fuck with.

What's so frustrating to me is like.

What the fuck is Coke Zero?

It's just

Diet Coke.

But it's got no

calories.

Neither does Coke.

It tastes a little different.

Or sugar?

No, neither does Diet Coke.

Just tastes a little different.

I don't know.

It's got a black.

It's a different sweetener that gives you cancer than you use.

You know what I mean?

Weird as unsweetened Coke.

That's what club soda is.

No.

Yeah.

Coca-Cola has other shit in it.

There's other ingredients.

So you like cocaine, bro.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Remember that?

Little kid, you thought you were doing cocaine.

Dude, it's like cocaine.

Okay, what are the ingredients in soda?

Pepsi used to have piss in it.

That's why it's called that.

Pissed.

Piss.

There was cocaine in.

Because, you know, they used to prescribe a piss to children when they were sick before it was legal to do that.

Didn't they actually used to put whiskey and shit in a baby to just get babies fucked up so they would shut the fuck up?

Well, they got heroin was originally like a children's cough medicine.

Oh, that's awesome.

Children's heroin.

Dude, imagine being a little-ass kid and just having the time of your coughing and just having the best day ever.

Dude, just doing heroin, not even knowing.

Yeah.

Oh, my son has a headache, so we got him a bunch of tattoos.

We made him go ass to ass with his other friend.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's in a gang now.

You know, he got mumps, so we made him join a gang.

Damn.

He got sexed in

to the gang.

Blood in, blood out.

Yeah, that's why people were like, you would bet humans used to have like a litter of children.

You'd have like 35 kids and 12 of them would die.

Yeah, every litter.

Just to fucking be farmhands.

Yeah, my grandfather's

parents used to give him a little shot of

schnapps before he'd go to bed because it was cold and they were poor and stuff.

And he drank every day the rest of his life.

Nice.

Yeah.

90s.

How many people were in his family?

Actually, I think only three kids, but they were responsible Jews.

I see.

But yeah, they got him a little fucked up.

I thought you were piggybacking on the idea of a lot of litter kids.

Oh, no.

I fucked up that whole thing.

You're good.

Well, you're sick.

You have an excuse.

Yeah, you are sick, boy.

How are you feeling, buddy?

I'm feeling terrible.

I've been in bed for five days now.

I've literally just been waking up in pools of my own sweat.

And it's been awful.

What if it's not just your sweat?

It's probably funny.

Dude, what if someone's fucking you in your sleep?

It could have happened.

I thought a funny sketch would be like, you know, if it's like outdoor head or something or like summer camp.

For whatever reason, there's like a bunch of guys in the same room.

A guy's waking up.

He's like, oh, fuck, I had another wet dream.

And it's like, no, you just pissed the bed.

You just pee your bed.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's a wet dream.

A wet dream is when this happens.

No, it's not.

That's urine.

That's impossible.

I had a sexy dream, and now the bed's wet.

I had a sexy dream about having to go to the bathroom.

Now the bed's wet.

It's always funny that that's how that happens.

If you piss your bed.

Absolutely.

You're always dreaming about pissing.

You're like, I got to piss real bad.

And then you dream, you're like, oh, there's a toilet right here.

And then then you start pissing, and you're like, hmm, why did I hear the water?

Oh.

That shit is so fucking funny.

Eldis, my fucking roommate, was like, yeah, dude, I almost pissed.

I almost pissed myself.

And he just had a huge wet spot all over his pocket.

And I was like, dude, you pissed yourself.

You didn't piss your bed, but you pissed yourself.

That's what I love when people are like, oh, I sharded.

Like, that never made sense.

People sharded.

And it's like, what's sharding?

It's like, oh, that's when you try to fart and you shit yourself.

And it's like, no, that's just shitting and stuff.

It's like people aren't like shitting themselves on purpose.

Exactly.

You just shit.

Stop trying to soften the blow of what happened.

You shit your pants.

Right.

Like a little ass baby.

I will say that

in the morning when you have to pee and you don't want to get out of bed, that shit sucks, dude.

I wish you could just piss the bad.

Dude, astronauts.

I wish that shit.

That's why people become astronauts.

They get dyped up.

Yeah.

Well, then they got a vacuum that connects to your dick and it just sucks all the piss out of you.

So you don't have to get out of bed.

They got the fuck.

That's the fucking life.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That ruins a nice fucking sleep.

How do astronauts sleep?

They just float?

No, they got like

sleeping bags like Velcro to the walls.

And they put a strap, a headband on or some shit.

Yeah.

Do astronauts ever fuck in space?

It fucks up your vision, too.

Because your eyeballs, like the intra-ocular fluid, was, you know, we evolved to have a certain specific pressure inside your eye.

You spend like a year in space and you come back and your vision's all fucked up.

Really?

Yeah, the lack of gravity will fuck up your eyeballs.

Damn, but you get your dick sucked by sexy Mars bitches.

Green bitches, dude.

Well, that's why I have three tits because the gravity is different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Women on Earth only have two tits because if they had three, it would break their spine.

Are you basing that on that Arnold movie?

What's it called?

Total Recall Recall?

Total Recall?

Three tits.

I haven't seen that either.

That's on the list.

I saw a ton of movies.

You've never seen Total Recall?

I got a list of movies I must watch.

Oh, you know what I watched I did not like is Indiana Jones.

Which one?

The first one.

Yeah, I mean

I haven't watched them since I was a kid, but yeah, I mean, even when I was a kid, I was like, these are all right.

Yeah, that shit sucked, dude.

And I didn't even understand what the fuck was going on.

Like,

he had like some lady that he fucked when she was a child or something.

Like, that she was like, I was a child.

He's like, you knew what you were doing.

Wait, are you talking about the crystal skull?

No, the first one.

Oh, the first one.

She had like his mentor's daughter he fucked when she was young.

And then he just steals artifacts from poor ass countries.

Yeah, like that's the hero.

I love it.

He's stealing shit from poor countries that have no other natural resources.

The Nazis would take it otherwise.

He's preventing the Nazis from getting, I guess, but he could, you know, help them out or something.

Yeah, the Nazis could do magic with it and make it real.

Yeah, why did the Nazis know magic and shit?

Yeah, that's like a snitch-ass.

It's real, dude.

I mean, like, fucking, that's what's so funny about the Nazis is that, like, some of the, like, you know, Himmler, like, guys that were behind the Holocaust, were also really into the occult.

So it's so funny to me that there's like guy there were guys that were like,

look, it's a it's a fucking zero-sum game.

These people are a problem.

We have to exterminate all of them.

We're going to play in all these death camps and kill them.

And it's like very,

you know,

cold, calculating guys are also like, but what if Santa is real?

And we can find him with symbols.

That shit is funny, though.

You gotta give it to the Nazis in terms of them being just so evil.

Right.

They're like, yeah, we're also also into the devil, too.

That's how fucking evil we are.

Like, not only do we want to kill Jews, but we want to do it for the Dark Lord.

I mean, it's crazy how evil.

I was watching

some fucking...

I mean, we talked about how cool and shit they look, but they look like villains.

And then also, all that shit Mussolini had, that motherfucker had some weird...

Like, fucking artwork, dude, that looked evil.

Like, those guys really leaned into being evil.

Like, what?

Well, Patton,

Patton was a weird guy, too.

He thought he was reincarnated from like

you know like Hannibal or fucking really yeah yeah yeah was he he was good as hell at war right yeah yeah yeah

he was he was like he'd drive his men real hard right yeah he had he made like a bunch of people die he was like a doctor house that he wanted to go too far this time he's like i know what i'm fucking doing he wanted to tell me what to do he wanted to invade russia immediately after immediately after the war oh yeah after germany surrendered he's like we need to invade Russia right now.

He's like, we need to kill all the Russians.

Who's the dude with Korea that wanted to go north of the parallel?

MacArthur?

No, Alan Alda.

It was Alan Alda.

No, it was the guy in the dress.

Yeah, Klinger.

Klinger.

Yeah.

I love that.

He's trans.

He's not trans.

He was dressing like a woman so that they would send him home for being crazy.

That's the plot.

That's why he dresses like that.

That makes sense.

And he paid it all the time.

And then he just continued dressing like that.

Yeah, so he literally was trans, probably.

That was just his way of being in.

He's like, oh, I'm just trying to get sent home.

It was a double sneak.

Yeah, it was a double sneak, dude.

And then they didn't send him home.

I didn't watch the show, but I recently watched the movie MASH.

The Robert Alban movie.

It's pretty funny.

I'll watch it.

That's my take.

That's going on the list of shows I need to do.

Do you know what I love?

That Futurama episode with the robot MASH.

Where they had like the...

Yeah, there was some MASH reference with robots or whatever.

I'm trying to, well, if you haven't seen it.

There was one.

I should re-watch Futurama, man.

Futurama was pretty good, yeah.

Yeah.

It was for smart guys who know stuff about math.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

As a mathematician myself.

Mathematician just means somebody that does math, right?

I think so.

I do math.

You know, I guess that's what I'm saying.

I need to add numbers together sometimes.

Split a check.

So I could technically call myself a mathematician.

I think we're all mathematicians.

Anytime you Venmo anyone, anything, that's sort of mathematics.

That's mathematic.

No, I mean, I have to add numbers together a lot, dude.

I had to take measurements for the window of my room.

Yeah, if I just.

Nah, if you're doing real work,

if you're doing math to do hard work, labor, then you're just a dumbass laborer.

Yeah, then you're Guadalupe.

But if you're just doing that work,

I'm not getting paid for that shit.

But if you're, no, but you're doing like with your hand shit.

That's just a matter of time.

But if you're just sitting like a little bitch with a notebook doing math.

Remember when Jordan used to do this

bro character all the time?

Like this bro character, Scotty, or whatever.

And like, we used to just, like, you know, Scotty hitting on girls or whatever.

One of the things like we would say is like uh

yeah you know i mean sometimes i just like sit around do like fucking crazy heart math problems

what's like a million times ten thousand and shit like that

it's like the the square root of like 560 i mean i've been working on that one a while but

yeah so you know i'm not just i'm not just all about the muscles i guess

just all those guys i used to watch i used to watch change of heart and blind date all the time hell yeah dude I loved it.

Blind Date was that shit.

It was always like some

sons on Change of Heart.

Some dickhead that looked like a fucking Adam's apple with just platinum blonde spikes above it.

And be like, yeah, my name's Chaz.

You know, I'm 27 years old.

And basically, I think my strongest

strengths is I have like a really great sense of humor.

Yeah.

You know, I'm like a fun guy, you know, or whatever.

And that was always the same thing.

It was like, my name's Brian.

I'm 26 years old.

I'm working in retail currently while I try to pursue a career in

retail management.

And, you know, my strong suits are that I got a really great sense of humor.

It was always that they had a great sense of humor.

And then I would watch these people go on terrible dates to like a sushi place.

I remember there was one, they go get sushi, and then they went to a place where they get like latex body paint done.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there's all, you're right.

There's always a weird one.

Yeah.

There's like, you know, go to a fucking

do like pottery or like fucking

hot air balloon or some, you know, some shit like that.

Right.

Which nobody ever does on a normal fucking date.

No.

You'd go do something boring because if you're like that much of a

fucking dumb, obnoxious person that like you can't just go to dinner with somebody

and be interesting, that you're like, yeah, we need to go on a hot air balloon.

We got to do it on the show, of course.

That's what that show is.

Absolutely.

There was one guy I remember, it stuck with me.

It was just like a nice woman.

It was some guy who who was like just drunk and talking about how little his dick was.

Are you sure this wasn't a fever dream?

Yeah, it was like, this is actually

my first date ever.

You wake up, you're like, oh, I had another wet dream.

And I'll just just like, no, it's your turn.

No, it's your turn.

Your turn to be the girl.

It's your turn to be the girl.

I wasn't even going that directly.

We were going on dates together.

On those shows, what was the deal with the jacuzzi, right?

That's like still.

Did you see that video?

The jacuzzi was big.

Sorry to interject this, but back on the Your Turn to Be the Girl thing, I was laughing with a friend of mine one time.

It's like two guys, like, you know, they're like, we should practice making out.

So, like, when we do it with girls, we'll be better at it.

I'm like, okay.

And then it's like, but we can't kiss each other.

That's gay.

And they're like, right.

If we use each other's assholes, though,

we're not kissing each other.

I always joke about with like close friends, like with Eldis or Ben or whoever the fuck, George, like, we're like, it's like a shame that we are not sexually attracted to each other.

So, like, what I want to do is get two hookers that blow us while under like a table or something while we like hold hands and look in each other's eyes.

That seems like the closest way to sex with your straight bros.

That would fix it.

Yeah.

Other people are like, man, it sucks that I'm not gay because I could just marry my best friend.

It would be perfect.

And it's like, no, you would probably just grow to hate them.

Yeah, yeah.

You're just not in a relationship with your friends.

Exactly.

You would introduce sex into the equation.

You would fuck everything up.

And you would resent them in like, you know, a couple years, tops.

And then you'd get sad about how awesome it used to be to hang out, and you can't even have them in your life anymore.

And then you'd find a shittier version of them who maybe lets you be a little, doesn't hold you as accountable for your problems and live a bad life.

Plus, the thing is, everybody gets older and they just don't have standards anymore.

Right.

That's what I'm baking on, baby.

Right.

Let's hit that 30, dude.

Like, imagine like dating in your 60s, which people are doing now.

And it's like, just die.

Yeah, Nick Griffin has that awesome joke where he's like, dating in your 40s, it's like every date you start with.

So, what did you want to be?

He has some of the best material on dating when you're fucking older.

He's funny as shit.

Nick Griffin, dating when you're older, check him out.

Yeah, you can find his dating when you're older material.

Literally, do check it out.

Nick

Mullen is being a dick, but Nick Griffin is hilarious.

Who is he?

You don't know Nick Griffin?

Oh, dude, this guy, that guy's funny.

He's Henry Griffin's.

He's Andy Griffin's son.

Son?

He's Eddie Griffin's son.

He's a small black child.

He's a little Griffin's son, who's just some guy.

Yeah, yeah.

That's just some guy.

He's probably a banker in Pennsylvania.

No, Eddie Griffin's son.

Eddie Griffin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, but Nick Griffin's funny shit.

I'm surprised you guys don't know him.

He did like 20 Lettermans or some crazy shit.

I've heard the name before.

I remember somebody was like praising him once, but I've never met him.

He's such a good comic.

Yeah.

He's got some of the best bits.

But anyway,

yeah.

Let's do his bit.

I don't know who he is, so we can just do his bit.

Just steals his bitch.

I literally did do this just because we started the show, dude.

I want to have a podcast.

I think it probably exists already where you're just like, okay, today we're going to remember this episode of The Simpsons and just say all the jokes from it.

I'm down, dude.

Let's do that.

I used to wish that I could just do that as stand-up.

Like, you guys remember that Simpsons?

Do you know that guy, T-Rex?

Yeah, yeah.

I remember one time he literally was doing that with Family Guy at Magoopi's.

It's just like on stage, not even a podcast.

He's like 10 minutes left in a headlining set.

He's just talking about a funny ass episode of Family Guy.

He's on.

I'm like doing a Stewie voice.

It was so fucking awesome.

Man, that shit fucking ruled.

It was awesome.

I was like, God, respect.

Stand up is awesome.

It's a fucking worst format for comedy.

And it's killing harder than any of his bits.

It was awesome, dude.

Maybe we should start doing that.

I mean, that's become like a thing.

Like, do you hear this thing Trump said?

Right?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's a big problem.

No.

Seriously, though, people do this a lot where it's like someone, a homeless guy, says something funny, or they read a funny porn, or they read a funny porn comment, and then they just say it, and it gets a laugh, and then they add nothing to it.

And it's like, that's

you can't do that.

Yeah.

That's fucking like, you know, that's not your bit.

You did not write that awesome burn that some gay guy in line behind you said to you.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Although, speaking of a great burn, now I'm going to do that on this podcast.

Yeah.

It's not funny.

one of the funniest things I've heard in the last year on stage is DC Benny.

He's talking about, I love living in Brooklyn because

you just hear the craziest shit in Brooklyn.

He's like, look, I was hanging out.

I feel bad doing his bit, but then the bit is about a thing he heard.

Right, right, right.

But he's like, he's like, yeah.

I just heard outside my apartment the other day a guy go, man, you know what the real N-word is?

Knowledge.

It's been family for like six weeks.

I just remember it throughout the day.

That's so funny.

Yeah, DC's not doing that, though.

It's like, I'm talking about people who just literally just fucking

present it as, like, I don't know.

Yeah, you're not writing a bit.

Well, that's what I fucking do.

That's part of a bit.

Because I'll tell a story sometimes to like a comic and be like, you got to do that on stage.

And it'd be like, what?

Just say I saw something.

Right, right, right.

That's how comedy works.

If you add something to it, how comedy works is you find something like Club Soda, for example.

Now, we've all had club soda.

And you've ever noticed it's not really soda.

They should call it not soda.

And that's the essence of the standard.

Bomb, ba-dom-bom-bam, bum, bom, bomb, bam, bum, bam, bum, bum, bum, bum,

ba-da-da.

Suck on my dick.

Speaking of a mean thing, someone said to me once, I just remembered this.

I was, when I was fucking,

I was just fat as hell.

Like, even fatter than this.

It was like one of my worst times.

And I actually ended up losing a bunch of weight, and I started going to the fucking gym.

But there was this, it was like a nicer gym in Baltimore where there's a swimming pool.

And this is that one at the

Merit, yeah, the Merit Athletics.

Yeah,

and I was feeling, I was like, you know, I didn't feel great about myself, but I was like, at least I'm in the gym, I'm turning my life around.

And this guy was there with his son, and he was just like a toddler that was like going, you know, swimming with his dad.

And he just walks in.

It's me and like three jacked dudes.

And the kid goes, hey, dad, what's that little fat guy doing here?

He was like, hey, dad, why is there a little fat guy here?

I was like,

he was just

genuinely curious.

He was like, he wasn't being a dick because he's a child.

And he was just like, yeah, there's no, a little fat guy shouldn't be here.

That's hilarious.

And then he fucking...

But it's also annoying because he was like, he was a fat child.

Yeah.

He was like, come on, dude.

You're not even a fucking sexy-ass kid saying that shit.

I remember I was like,

I went like hiking or something with my parents.

Somewhere.

You know, we're on like the trail in the woods.

And

I was probably like five or six.

And some fat guy walked past us on the trail.

And I didn't know any better, so I was like, Wow, look how fat that guy is.

You know, with like we're right in front of him.

I was like, Look, mom, look, look how fat this guy is.

And I'm like, you know, my mom started hitting me or whatever.

My parents were like, I'm so sorry.

And they're like, you can't fucking say that about people.

I'm like, what?

And they're like, it's bad to be fat.

You know,

it's not, they're not less, it's mean that it's well, it's the bro.

I don't know why you can't say it, but you can't say it.

It's fat, shaming, you know, or whatever.

It's that same fun, just mean.

So, hold on.

So, then we're still walking, and then you know, the paths like loop around through the woods or whatever.

So, we like passed by the guy again, and I was like, Look, there's that guy again.

And then he looks all upset, and they're like, you know, they get mad at me again.

I'm like, I didn't say he was fat, I said it was a guy from before,

and I didn't understand why I got in trouble again.

Yeah, dude.

Who knew that would be a large portion of your career later on?

Is calling people the therapist?

The therapist?

That's who explained it to them.

They're like, well, it's a spectrum.

He's not going to shit himself.

I got a piss.

But he might for sexual reasons at some point.

You know, it'll be by choice.

So

when I was a kid, we moved back to South Africa, like, after apartheid ended for two years.

And I was on the beach walking with my grandma.

And there was this, like, homeless guy walking towards us.

It's like African dude.

Yeah.

And

I just remember turning to my grandma and being like,

he stinks.

And then my grandma says,

she just turned to me.

She's like, you can't say that about them anymore.

It's hilarious.

Yeah.

And it was like, I felt really.

Well, what did she mean?

Did she mean homeless people or did she mean

African people?

I think she meant black people.

Do South Africans consider themselves POCs?

There were like some fucking Jewish South African kids that I know put African American on their college applications.

Yeah.

Which was fucked.

Yeah, why not, dude?

I didn't do it.

I'm white.

I'm Caucasian.

I'm not Caucasian.

Yeah, you're not Caucasian.

I'm not from the Caucasus.

What is that?

Like the Urals?

The Urals are the same.

I'm not like a male.

Yeah, I'm not from the Caucasus.

Yeah.

Whatever.

I'm white.

Yeah, how did the Caucasians get to they took over the whole thing?

Do you think you take like Aryan, too?

That's not like the Germans weren't even using that word right.

Yeah.

Like Aryans are like, uh, they're like Persians.

Really?

Are they?

Yeah, the original Aryans and Persians have like the same like ethnic roots.

Really?

Yeah.

Damn, I didn't know that.

Well, it said race is weird.

I remember there was some like propaganda chart I saw where it was like, you know, produced by the English or whatever.

And it's explaining, like, did you know that the Irish are actually black people?

And then they have this cartoon.

They have like an English guy that looks normal.

And then, like, a cartoon of an Irish guy with like this big fucked-up nose.

And they're like, yeah, the Iranian,

you know,

qualities.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

I love that shit, dude.

How just like, well, that's what makes you think, like, oh, yeah.

Even when people are like, well, you know, there's some truth to stereotypes.

Well, even when you start believing that, then you realize, like,

no, everybody.

These stereotypes are real, but they're cultural.

It's not, like, based on your fucking genes.

Yeah, I know, but what I'm saying is, like, fucking exactly what you're talking about.

It's like a hundred years ago, whatever, English people were saying, like, look at these dumb Irish talking loud in movie theaters or whatever the fuck they were saying.

You know what I mean?

Like, it all just, it's all completely societal.

Like, the black people movie theater thing comes from, like, black Southern Baptist churches where, like, they have more of a call-and-response, you know, interaction format in the church rather than

church used to be the thing you would just go do.

Yeah, that's sucks.

Culturally, it makes more sense.

And in schools, they got fucked over that way, too, because

they would get bad citizenship marks.

Also,

even going all the way back to slavery,

field haulers were call-and-response-based.

And that influences music and

everything going forward.

But that's where the talking and the thing is.

Oral narrative.

Yeah.

I got an oral narrative for you, pal.

What is that?

Okay.

Oh, it's a little story about something I do to your mouth.

What's the story?

It starts with Adam's mouth, and then it ends with something inside of it.

And that something also puts something else inside of it.

This sounds confusing.

Yeah, I don't get it.

Just let me show you.

We can't talk about it.

You were saying earlier.

After that you have trouble following Disney movies?

No, I didn't say follow.

I have trouble following.

No, Indiana Jones was confusing you.

Yeah, that's what he said.

It just sucked.

It wasn't confusing.

It was just like...

Well, you said that.

You said you were.

Confusing because it was.

I didn't know whether to make fun of you for that or not because I don't remember the original Indiana Jones.

It's not good.

If I wasn't sick, I would have helped you make fun of stuff.

Shut up, bitch.

I'm also sick.

I got heartburn real bad, which is a type of sick.

That's not sick.

What'd you eat?

No, I just had Chinese food last night.

I mean, I've got like heartburn probs now.

I think it was from all the Indian food I was eating like six months ago.

You think it's just catching up to you?

No, I mean, it like, I was like chronically fucking up my stomach because I'd go get Indian food, and then I got really into hot sauce

for a while.

So I would go to Chipotle, and then every bite I would like douse and fucking

that fucking Chipotle that smoky shit on it.

I used to have, you know, how like I never understood when people are like, you know, you eat spicy food, that shit's going to be tearing up your ass the next day.

And I never experienced that.

I would like eat hot sauce and I would shit normally and it wasn't a problem and in the last year like I'm like oh now I get oh no it fucks my ass cheeks all the way up yeah no the first time that ever happened to me was like probably a year ago I used to just shit normally how about you Adam do you shit bad after a spicy yeah I have a I have a burning I don't know if it's spicy food but you know you get a little you got a burning shit that ruins the next 48 hours

sure you got it you gotta fucking very carefully wipe your ass oh that's a rough one yeah and then you get a little streak of blood Why isn't there like a Dyson bidet, you know?

Like a thing that just blows air over your asshole so hard that it cleans it?

Yeah, James Dyson needs to step up

energy.

It uses ion energy to suck the shit completely out of your ass.

He shit.

Because a big problem with wiping is buffeting, and that's where, you know, with this diagram, we explain that the shit gets smeared.

I want a damn bidet, dude.

Yeah.

How much do bidets cost?

David Feldman's, where they do his podcast, they do it at his agent's apartment, and he has some like Japanese,

like it sits over the toilet.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it looks like it's like standard in Japan.

Yeah, everyone has that thing.

Every toilet, like a supernatural

sits on top of the toilet.

Oh, shit.

Amber's pulling it up right here.

There's one for like a hundred bucks, dude.

A bidet?

Yeah, it's not that expensive.

I'm going to get one, dude.

I want a robot to lick my ass.

Yeah.

That's how we show fucking dominoes.

I was just talking about that.

I actually have it down on the notes for the show here.

No, I'm serious.

What?

Yeah.

I just, but I don't know.

I forget which heading it was under.

It's health and wellness, but

there literally is, by the way, notes, guys.

He's not joking.

Oh, I was saying I want a feeding tube that connects to an Amazon drone that makes all my decisions for me, and the drone will also wipe my ass and jack me off.

That would be sick.

I think the reason that sex robots haven't caught on is because they just make sex robots.

Like, you go to fucking real doll, and all it does is fuck.

And what you need is the sex to be like an added bonus, you know?

Like cup holders, you know, who the fuck would just buy a cup holder?

But you put it in a car and everybody needs a cup holder.

That's what I'm saying.

So people do buy just pocket pussies.

They do, but if you had, if you had a way to fuck other types of robots, like they specifically, when they made the Roomba, they were worried about people fucking it.

So they were impossible to fuck, I'm assuming.

Because there's no way way to fuck a Roomba.

But yeah,

you can fuck every other kind of vacuum, but you can't fucking

under its own.

You know, because it raises weird ethical questions.

Because you know it wants to fuck, too.

Right.

The Roomba is sad it doesn't have

to be too many regular vacuums, so they made up the Roomba so that, you know, less people.

So less people would be trying to fucking.

You can actually get.

I remember a Darwin Pussy about a guy sticking his, he stuck his dick into the vacuum

body assembly instead of the hose at the end.

and his dick just got chopped off by one of the blades

by like the compressor blades.

Oh, yeah, then he killed himself.

That was half of the Darwin Awards, was people like getting their dicks,

yeah, yeah, chopped off.

And but speaking of which, what a fucking bizarre you don't, you could not make the Darwin Awards now.

No, we've talked about this.

Have we?

Yeah, I don't think we have.

Well, let's talk about it.

Well, if you'd say we've talked.

Have we?

Probably.

Why couldn't you?

Because it would be making fun of people that died.

Yeah.

And you know how offended people would be?

They definitely would be.

Yeah.

But it wasn't.

Imagine if fucking David Carradine died this week the same way.

And people were trying to.

Yeah, people would still go off.

It was just autoerotic asphyxiation, right?

Yeah.

That's it, right?

In Malaysia?

That's it?

In Bangkok.

In Bangkok?

I thought it was in Kuala Lumpur.

Yeah, which is a weird thing to do to go to Southeast Asia to jack off.

Yeah.

You go get a boy to do it for you.

They're like, oh, yeah, we're going to fucking

Shake Shack, and I'm just going to get the salad.

Yeah.

You know.

It's not even that.

I'm going to make my own burger at Shake Shack.

Right.

I'm bringing loose hamburger meat.

I'm going to Shake

and just jacking off.

And fucking one of the Shakes.

They're very creamy.

Yeah.

No, they got boys there.

That was actually a bit I used to do, but I had to stop doing it because Nate Bargatzi also has a bit about the rocket launchers in Cambodia.

Oh, what is it?

That felt weird.

Well, my take on it was that, like, you know, I won me and my friend Eric Krug were actually trying to go to Cambodia because he used to get these, like, cheap companion flights.

But the thing with going to Cambodia is, like, people just assume that you're gonna fuck

boys.

And but why I wanted to go is specifically because of that rocket launcher thing.

They have like a place where you can blow up a cow with a rocket launcher.

They'll let you fire like fully automatic AK-47s and they got grenades.

Bazookas and shit.

Yeah, they got grenades you can throw in like a lake and shit.

And it's like that seems like the most fun I'd ever have in my life.

But it's like after

you blow up a fucking cow with an RPG, you expect me to just like fuck a normal prostitute?

No, you have to fuck a boy.

That's the only thing you could possibly do after,

you know, blowing up that cow is fuck a boy.

It's kind of rude to blow up a cow.

Can't you just blow up a rock or something?

I mean, you could if you're a pussy.

Dude, the cow didn't do nothing to you, dude.

Well, that's

a good food, really.

Well, can you pick up?

Is it barbecued and tasty afterwards?

Yeah, dude.

It's like a video game.

Is it a gun that shoots it and it becomes beautiful steaks?

Yeah, the grenade's filled with a KC Masterpiece, dude.

Yo, that sounds awesome.

Man, what happened to KC Masterpiece chips?

I think we've also talked about that.

That was Lays.

Lays did like a collabo with them, right?

No, back in the day, Case Masterpiece had their own chips?

I thought they were with ruffles.

Maybe they were, but I remember loving those as a kid.

I love barbecue chips.

Barbecue chips, going to the fucking pool.

You go to the pool, you get the Casey Barbecue chips.

I like the Utts.

I like the Utts barbecue.

Your hands are still wet from the pool, so you get all that fucking dust stuck to them, and you just have orange hands.

Yeah.

Nah, dude, the Utts are better than the Casey BBQ.

That's my stance.

Do you you remember kids that were like natural?

How about

Casey Anthony Masterpiece?

It's barbecue that tastes like a dead child.

Nicely done, my friend.

That's very good shit.

If you want.

Hi, Nancy Gray's here, and I'm making my own barbecue sauce now.

It's called Casey Anthony Masterpiece, and it's made out of dead babies.

If you would like to smother your child in barbecue sauce, we will send you a paint mixing bucket that you can dunk your toddler's head into and murder them if you would like to be featured on the show.

Fuck.

I'm fucking my stomach.

You know who I probably couldn't tell the difference between if I had to?

Nancy Grace and Paula Dean.

You could.

Paula Dean's got gray hair.

No, let's say the lights are very dim.

You're having sex with.

Paula Dean and Nancy Grace?

Yeah.

Paula Dean's older, fatter.

I mean, if you had to to fuck one, maybe do pick Paula, though.

I would pick Paula because

she's a slut, dude.

She's a hella fucking slutty old bitch.

No, I mean, she is a slut, dude.

If you watch the show, she's always like, next is coming out is my

beautiful 12-foot-long chocolatey clairs.

Oh, like shirtless men bring them out.

She's sucking on the tip.

Dude, you know Paula Dean sucks.

She's a fucking good dick.

Oh, yeah.

You know she's sucking.

That's what I'm saying, dude.

She's a slut.

She's just fucking

OT.

She probably has like like a little melted butter brush she puts on your dick and reapplies periodically.

She fucks like 21-year-old Brazilian dudes, right?

Does she?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, that's the only time she uses the N-word.

You know, that was how it started.

They were like, have you ever used the N-word?

And she's like,

well, yes, but it's embarrassing.

And then that's why they retracted all the details.

You know, the rest of it is, you know, only when she comes.

Oh, man.

All right.

I just I loved her.

I was going to respond to that.

She said you used it one time, but like in 1983, when she was working at a bank that was robbed, that's the only time she said the end.

That's so awesome.

Which is like

so fun.

Because

that's still not even a good excuse.

If you're like, yeah, all the time at home is a joke.

Yeah, of course.

Be like, okay, she's normal.

She's like a normal person.

Yeah, on my podcast every once in a while.

Yeah, right.

In terms of a good bid.

But like, you know, imagine you're working at a bank and the bank got robbed and you're like, well,

I guess it's time to say it.

Take a little glass case that's behind you

for emergencies only.

Break glasses.

That's literally like the stand-up comic defense.

Like, how many people had I think Voss had a joke or somewhere?

Maybe DePaulo was like, Really?

You say African American when one cuts you off in traffic?

That's her defense.

Sounds like DePaulo.

Yeah, DiPaulo.

But,

yeah, P.

Dean, dude.

Yeah, Nancy Grace probably doesn't fuck good.

Black people don't really.

They're not dicks when they drive, usually, I don't think.

I don't think I've ever been cut off by a black person.

What?

Never.

Yeah.

Even when you were in, like, Baltimore and D.C.?

Yeah, I don't.

I mean, maybe you know what it is.

I just can't see who's driving the cars.

You're always drunk when you die.

So you have no idea what the ethnicity is.

First of all, nobody cuts me.

One time I got in a fucking shouting match with this fucking old black dude that cut me off, and his son was in the car, and he's like, You better watch me.

I was like, What are you gonna beat me up?

Like his poor son, it's just like yelling at me for no reason.

I don't remember, I was probably a dick, also.

I have some anger issues sometimes.

Yeah, do you have road rage?

You do, it's annoying, yeah.

In the car, a little bit.

That's why I love driving those trucks when I do that job.

Oh my gosh, you're the king of the road.

Yeah, no, I'll fucking just kill you.

It's not even my truck.

I could not care less if you want to play a chicken with me

on 6th Avenue.

Do you ever win?

Yeah.

Kill someone.

I've killed three or four families, dude.

You better not fuck with me.

Fucking run your ass over.

So it was Stav's birthday this week.

Yeah.

I missed both my boys, dude.

Yeah, I know.

Adam's sick, and I had to go buy shit at Target.

Yeah, you had to go run errands during my birthday party.

Well,

I thought there would be more time.

I didn't realize realize how long it was going to be.

Look, your boy got gone off those tequila sodas, dude.

Well, let's go to Davin Buster's.

We went to Dave and Buster's for my birthday.

Yeah, I thought I would be down.

I don't want to go to Dave and Buster's for my birthday.

For my 30th birthday,

guys.

I'm not 30th.

David Buster's sucks now.

Why now?

Because it's, you know, they market it as for adults, but it's actually for kids.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It really is just Chuck E.

Cheese.

That's what, like, all marketing towards children is either like,

this is really for adults, or like, hey, your parents are fucking retards.

They don't understand why this cereal is good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your parents will never understand why you want to eat this cereal.

Yeah, it's just because there's candy in it.

Yeah.

Why are you encouraging secret keeping for your parents?

Like, fucking, like, cinnamon toast crunch was like, it's a taste you can see, but adults can't see it.

Right, right, right.

Which strikes

something a pedophile would say.

Like, you have to keep this just between us.

Tell anybody how much you like our cereal.

Don't tell your nurse about cinnamon toast crunch.

If I was a pedophile, you know, they're like, oh, wait, you got a van filled with candy.

It's like, no, fill the van with cereal.

Absolutely, dude.

You know, good shit.

Trix.

What was your favorite shit?

I love tricks, dude.

Oh, the fruity pebbles?

Yeah.

Fruity and cocoa pebbles.

Holy motherfuckers.

We weren't allowed.

You mix cocoa and fruity pebbles.

Nah, get out of here with that shit, dude.

Why?

Sometimes I would cut them with rice krispie treats.

Yeah.

You know, just to kind of make it last, make the stash step on it a little bit.

Yeah, step on the package.

Well, for a while, they were selling just the marshmallows for Lucky Charms.

That, even to me, is insane.

Yeah.

And I love fucking decks.

They're bad marshmallows.

I'm going to fucking, right after this, I'm going to go get a box of Lucky Charms and some milk and a couple of oxycontins.

Dude, that sounds awesome.

And I'm going to relive my childhood.

And then the power of narcotics.

I love that Simpsons line with Otto when they're watching the fucking meteor.

And he's like, oh, I don't need drugs to enjoy this, only to enhance it.

I have been getting stoned as hell and just running through movies, dude.

Yeah, I saw Point Break.

That shit is awesome.

That's the way to watch movies is to get high as shit and watch like 30 of them at a time.

It was awesome.

That's the only way to become a guy that's seen everything.

Absolutely.

Which, if you haven't done by age 30, you're just not going to be that guy.

Absolutely.

And that's the only thing I've ever wanted to be.

Or actually, we could be those guys.

Our lives are so stupid if we just like I watched.

I don't think you have the requisite, you know, a catalog yet to even.

I mean, you just now saw Indiana Jones.

Yeah, you got

like point break and shit.

Yeah, you can't do it.

I saw Mulan, sister act, point break, and Anthony Keatus from

Red Hot CPs is in that.

Right, and Flea's in it too?

Flea's not in it.

I was expecting to see Flea.

It's just Keatus.

Keyes is in it.

Keatis, who, by the way, it sounds like he really fucked a lot.

Yeah.

Back in the day,

one time my brother told me an anecdote he heard

from someone else who read

the autobiography.

And apparently, Cadis fucked Flea's sister when he was like 13 or some shit.

Nice.

He fucked his adult sister.

Yeah.

So that's pretty cool.

Man, it must be awesome to be a fucking...

To be a rock star.

Just have that rock star weird charisma that also gets you addicted to drugs.

Dude, that's what.

But then you don't die from the drugs.

So it's like...

The only downside to drugs is that they fuck up your life and they can kill you.

But if you live forever and you're rich no matter what, why not?

Yeah, that's the best life.

Why not?

Like, you can't say, oh, wow, heroin really destroyed their lives.

They could have been a successful millionaire.

No, they're fine.

Yeah, but there's a ton of just people in shitty bands that

get destroyed.

They do a lot of drugs.

They're just the

weird, you know, fucking exception of the rule.

And also, right on Chili Pepper.

Your Ma Butterfly Sugar Baby did a lot of heroin.

Did he?

Well, that's good music.

Shift Shifty.

Shifty Shell Shock.

I can't remember his name.

Shifty Shell Shock?

Yeah, Shifty Shell Shock.

From

Crazy Town.

Crazy Town.

That guy looked a lot like Andrew Bucket.

Yeah.

Shouts out to Bucket.

Calm Olesta or whatever.

We talked about that one time.

He didn't get molested.

He was doing a bit, and the bit fell flat, I guess.

He was doing a bit of a bad

Oh, really?

And Adam fell for it.

He's like, I feel really bad because I'm gay.

He was like, dude, I can't believe you talked about that.

I had a lot of explaining to do.

I had to talk to all my friends about how I got molested.

They found out about it on Cometown.

I was like, dude, I feel so bad.

And Nick's like, yeah, he's doing a bit, dude.

He's doing a fucking bit right now.

The fucking master of trolls.

Oh, no, dude.

I just got an Instagram message, or a Twitter message.

I think my Insta is done for good, dude.

Did they delete it?

I think so.

R.I.P.

Fuck.

Dude, I'm off all social media now except Instagram.

That's cool.

You're like a thought.

I'm a teen.

You're a slutty girl, dude.

Mm-hmm.

That's cool.

I'm just going to do a bunch of puppy filter pictures.

You should do ass selfies in the mirror.

Yeah.

I need a full-length mirror that I sit Indian style in front of and do puppy filter pictures.

Nothing but that.

With all my makeup strewn about.

Hell yeah, dude.

My hair straightener.

You know?

My shit is like little, like, like, nine-year-old

gay white boys that think they're like black hot girls.

They're like all these accounts that always pop up with, like, boys that are just, like, fucking perking their ass out and, like, taking these

puppy filter, like, mirror cells.

That's what pops up on your.

Dude, people.

This sucks.

I feel like I missed this, and I would love to make fun of Adam.

Adam's saying that the suggested follows.

I'm so sad about my Instagram that pop up are nine-year-old gay boys posting.

No.

I never said that was the suggested follows.

Dude, they said my shit got taken down because of bullying and harassment.

What the fuck?

Yeah, because you're harassing

the fat reindeer?

No, no.

It's because you're making fun of body positivity.

No, I'm not.

I'm a body positive warrior.

Dude, if you're a woman,

this would be such a big story.

This is crazy until the alt-right guys hear about this.

Dude, what the f- It would be one thing if they said it was fucking nudity or whatever.

Like,

digging my dick sucked by the reindeer.

If you're a BBW, this would be

bullying and who the fuck did I harass?

That's what happens when you satirize, you know, somebody's not.

It's not satire.

It's come on, dude.

I'm 100%.

People feel better, dude, because of me and my work.

And I will not stop.

I will be back.

Yeah, just started a new account.

Fuck, man.

Bullying and fucking...

I didn't even bully anyone on Instagram.

All my bullying is usually through the podcast or Twitter or whatever.

Yeah.

Whose Whose fault is this?

I don't know.

Some snitch.

Someone snitched.

And I will find you, dude.

Who doesn't like you?

I feel like Nick and I have a ton of enemies.

I feel like you don't have any.

Plenty of enemies.

Maybe just someone who hates Nick.

Yeah, that's what I figured it was.

But I don't think so, really.

Yeah, no, people are that petty.

Yeah.

Who knows?

Maybe someone who hates my laugh.

My Discover page, just as an aside, my Discover page is just dunks, basically.

And sneakers and rap video girls.

When you say dunks, you mean people putting putting their balls in a young black boy's mouth.

No, very cool slam dunks.

Dunking their testicles in underage boys' mouths.

It's just butts and dunks.

Are dunkaroos Australian?

That's what I was about to ask earlier, but I'm sick and slow.

Yeah, why did Ernest lick me, dude?

Because you got butter all over your forearms.

Yeah, but I'm baking, so that's for me for later, Ernest.

Dunkaroos are not Australian.

They're stolen from cultural appropriation.

Dude, that's fucked.

It's your most successful animal, the kangaroo.

Because it's stupid looking?

It's their national animal.

They're the only people that have it.

It's on like

why.

Because they're the only people that have it.

They got other cool shit, though.

Koalas.

Koalas, but they're not as fucking badass.

Nah, they got Tasmanian devils.

That's Tasmania, bitch.

Tasmania is a part of Australia.

Dude, I don't think that's true, and I will never look it up.

Yes, it is.

Fuck yeah.

Words to live by.

Dude, I fucking hate the internet.

You used to be able to be dumb as shit and you could just be confident.

I know.

You used to be able to bully people that were lesser than you.

Yeah.

Now you have to bully like the president and stuff.

The internet used to be a place where you just make people cry.

Personally, I hate bullying and harassment, and I've been framed by Instagram.

Four to eight years just quote tweeting the president.

And it's like, actually, dumbass in chief.

You can't do that, asshole.

Everybody knows.

And it's like, you're now just the guys you spent eight years making fun of like all those fucking teacot guys you're the same thing i mean

i understand being angry but like it doesn't do anything you just fucking embarrass yourself if you're doing that quote tweet the president of course

yeah but it's also i mean you are going to embarrass yourself it doesn't do anything but it's also like it's crazy to think that this is how people used to feel about obama

and not even because of his pol like most of it because he was black because he's black yeah like that's what's insane like yeah yeah, yeah, it's.

I get the urge to be like, fucking idiot Trump because he's like tweeting about

all these horses in hatred.

Whether it's like, you know, based in fact or not, but there's plenty of people that fucking were drinking the Kool-Aid about, oh, he's going to take all of our guns and like, you know,

the extrajudicial, like, not really, they didn't care about that, but definitely Second Amendment bullshit.

You know, so it's not entirely racist, even though it was mostly,

and

you know, I don't know.

I think it was, I mean, I mean, it was just it was, it was all fucking,

it just fueled it.

They would have these fears about whoever.

I'm trying to remember Hillary, but like, yeah, like 2009.

Sorry, I just keep thinking about my Instagram.

I'm thinking about like 2009 when I first started to see those, and like a lot of it was that he was the antichrist, yeah, exactly, yeah, or a gay prostitute, but all of that is just

slight code for like, we don't want a black guy.

I mean, why is he the Antichrist?

Because he's fucking black.

You know what I mean?

Like, but that's what's insane.

Is that like, for all those reasons, people felt this badly.

But Trump actually is so crazy, weird, and fucking dangerous.

Like,

how unstable that fucking is.

He's emotionally unstable.

Obama, like, listen, he also deported millions of people.

He deported people.

He got.

He also

a lot of children.

Children.

Yeah, yeah.

But like, at least he was like fucking put together.

Dude, Trump is unraveling.

We are 1.6% of the way through his four-year term today.

So he's been to Mar-a-Lago every weekend.

Like, this shit is fucking crazy, dude.

Why wouldn't he?

He just keeps going on vacation.

He's not going to make it.

I don't think the vacations are that big of a deal.

Because people do that with every president.

They're like, oh, Bush played golf, you know.

No, but they

was on.

They would stay in the White House.

I don't know, man.

It's weird.

He's taking calls at Mar-a-Lago.

People are just there danging out.

Like, it's not like he shuts down Mar-a-Lago and does business.

It's just like people are fucking eating.

What is Mar-a-La Lago?

It's beautiful.

It was built by

Amber.

Do you know who it was built by?

What's her name?

The real estate developer that was also

an actress, too.

Socialite.

Dorothy Hamill.

Yeah.

Yeah, Dorothy Hamill built Mar-a-Lago.

What's that?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Yeah, Emily Post-Meriwether.

Emily Post.

Yeah.

Oh, Meriwether Post Pavilion?

Yeah, same people.

Nice.

Yeah, Meriwether Post.

I don't know.

Isn't there slightly stupid party there also?

Or a house.

Yeah.

It's a club, isn't it?

It's a club.

Yeah,

it's a big resort with a big fucking house.

Yeah, that's fucking nuts.

He's over there fucking taking calls in the dining room.

It's beautiful.

I'm sure it's tight.

Where is luck?

Rich people shit.

I'll go.

Let's all go.

Let's go and overhear some fucking shit.

It would be cool.

It's a diplomacy.

If he also owned the Winchester house, that haunted house made by the Gunn family.

Oh, yeah.

And then he'd do all his vacations there.

I didn't know about that.

Or Universal Studios.

That would be the funniest.

If he was just a Disney World concert.

That would be awesome, dude.

And he was on Space Mountain taking calls.

He says his own private

shit.

Yeah.

We have to shut down all the Wayne's World shit.

Trump's dressed like Garth and he's taking phone calls as Garth?

I want the dog that also looks like Garth.

Find me that dog.

And then I just bring another dog.

He's like, this is not the same dog.

I'm with the one from the movie.

I'm like, sir, that dog's been dead for years.

Like, we're working on the technology to bring the dog back to life.

Trust me, it's going to be great.

Mexico's going to pay for it.

Oh, yeah.

I'll send that joke to Bill Maher.

That's not bad, dude.

Yeah.

Bill Maher.

Trump's meeting with Putin.

Yeah, this will be interesting to see if they meet anywhere outside of a bathroom with a hole in the stall wall.

That's bad.

That's better.

That's better.

That's a Bill Maher.

Yeah.

It's a Bill.

I'd laugh at any joke with the glory hole, though, to be fair.

Yeah, I feel like it's just going to be four years of Bill Maher calling the president gay

in different ways.

You know, it's just like...

I don't think he does that.

I think he's more like

does

jokes about weed and stuff.

About how he's like and also and God really doubles down on all Muslims being

like that shit is so fucking funny.

It's like that's your stance you fucking piece of shit.

He's just such a smug atheist.

He thinks he's better than all religions, but he's so shitty about Muslims.

Yeah.

He's a devout atheist.

Ugh, the worst kind of person.

That's the best kind of Twitter bio to have.

Devout atheist.

Automatic follow.

All right, well, we got to wrap this up, but there's a, I just want to touch on something funny, maybe.

We could.

I would say in Valentine's Day, it's weird that there's candy given out on Valentine's Day, you know,

because the people who enjoy candy the most, fat people,

don't usually have Valentine's Days.

Oh, I don't know that that's true.

That's true.

And it feels mean that a lot of people have plenty of Valentine's Day because it's for hot people, Valentine's Days.

No, it's not.

No, it's for everyone.

It's not vegetables or vitamins.

All bodies.

All bodies deserve a badge.

But we make little kids do Valentine's so they can like fuck each other and stuff.

Yeah, they have to.

That's weird.

They have to give out, you have to give out Valentine's Day cross.

Did you guys get my Valentine's?

I mailed them to you.

No.

Did they make you do that?

Is that

you get a box, and then sometimes you wouldn't give it away.

You'd have to do it to guys, ugly girls, and stuff.

That's bullshit.

Yeah!

Guys and ugly girls.

You just wanted to get the hot third grade girl.

There's no holiday.

11-year-olds.

Do you realize that?

Yes, there is.

No, what?

Thanksgiving, bitch.

No, that's for Americans.

Nah, dude.

Who are fat people?

Americans.

Americans.

We're the fattest.

Also, holler at me at Greek Easter.

You want to see a holiday for fat people, dude.

I guess lambs

on the fucking spit.

Lamb chops on the grill.

I can't wait.

Is there a patron saint of obesity?

It is Paula Dean, actually.

Yeah, St.

Paula Dean.

Saint Paula.

It's fucking Dom DeLouise.

He's the patron saint of obesity.

Is that real?

Saint Charles of Bourneo, apparently.

Saint Diabetes.

Dionysus, the Greek god, he would go off and pull.

He's a wine guy.

Yeah, he is wine.

I think he was gluttonous also.

Yeah, he's just wine.

No, he wouldn't.

He would eat race and turn it into wine in his stomach.

No, he would eat.

He would go crazy, dude.

He would have like big-ass fucking bacchanals, dude.

Yeah.

I mean, I know that's a Roman word.

They stole so much of our shit, dude.

Yeah.

The Rome.

From Rome, dude.

Being slutty.

Dionysus got his dick sucked.

He had those satyrs, those guys with horns.

Yeah.

And they were horny as hell.

That's true.

You know?

But there was always bitches around.

I was sure prior to

they stole our shit.

Yeah, they were farmers.

Prior to anything, everyone's basically just farmers.

Yeah, right.

Like, yo, check this out.

Leather skirts.

But I mean, like, why did they just steal the culture?

They probably didn't think that was real.

I mean, I'm sure they had some sort of like origin myth or whatever.

I mean, probably our shit just spread to there because it's like ancient Greece probably just was.

I think there was probably clear answers on all this.

I don't know.

There's like a boat or something.

We probably owned that shit, and then we got our shits fucked up.

There's probably a king.

The crazy story is the story of the Rosetta stone.

How they just didn't know any

ancient language.

And then they were like fucking, somebody was blowing up a town, and they were were like, oh, check this out.

It's like

just the most important.

Yeah, who knows how much shit has just gotten fucking destroyed?

Yeah, we know about the Alexandria Library, right?

Yeah, they burned all that shit.

Yeah, that because that library burned down, like, the human humanity went into the dark ages.

It's crazy.

Because we just lost so much knowledge.

Yep.

I hope we go into another dark ages.

Who burned that shit down?

I don't remember.

I want nothing.

I s I started watching Hero the other night again.

Jet Li.

And I just want nothing but to be a Chinese warlord.

That shit would fucking rule.

Whatever that stick is, like the polearm, it's a stick with a sword at the end.

Ooh.

Which is genius.

That's pretty good.

If some dumbass comes at you with a sword, you're like, all right, well, I have a sword plus 10 feet.

Isn't that just a spear?

No.

Basically.

No, a spear's just got like a spearhead on it.

Yeah, but it's basically.

Polearms at the end is a sword.

Yeah, it's basically a spear.

Well,

kind of a ho-hum in.

Holiday special.

I don't know if you have any dating tips for you guys.

Shouldn't we plug the show?

Yes, please.

We should have said that at the top.

Yeah, I know.

The 21st, we're at Carolines.

The 28th, we're at Come On Everybody.

Please come out to Carolines.

It's our big show.

We're on Broadway.

There's a lot of songs.

New York on bra.

This is our big night, guys.

And if uh it doesn't go well maybe we'll cancel it'll be embarrassing as hell it'll be very embarrassing and we've got some big acts that are going to be coming out um we can't say who but they're they're big and uh

i would thank my co-hosts nick and stop for carrying this one i'm i'm fucking dying of illness oh that's all right oh by the way guys i i got final cut so we are we are definitely two or three months away from the video stuff is coming real soon right around the corner i mean that was the problem is that i couldn't edit edit it.

Yeah, Final Classic.

I already had Adobe Premiere on my other computer.

Now I have two different pieces of editing.

Well, and we're all going to take like six-month screenwriting classes also.

After we get that.

After we get that under our class, we're doing the screenwriting and we're doing

Meisner.

I did last night sit down and log an entire episode of

Sweet Valley High and divvy it up shot by shot.

Nice.

I might do something with that.

You know, maybe put myself in an episode of Sweet Valley High.

Sweet Valley High is cool.

It's where it's like Jughead and Archie suck each other's dicks or whatever.

No.

But

there's a new Archie out where they get their dick sucked.

Yeah.

That's the one I'm thinking of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is that?

That's not Sweet Valley High.

That's Archie.

It's called something that sounds a lot like Sweet Valley High.

Ridgewood High?

Something like that, but it's Archie High.

It's in Ridgefield.

Where does Archie go to High School?

Yeah, Archie's.

45 minutes.

Riverdale.

Riverdale High School.

We're in the Bronx.

No, it's never actually explained where Archie is specifically.

Archie gets head, Jughead gets head.

More evidence that Archie is from New York than anything else, but it's never made clear.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Well, these are the questions to ponder, everyone.

If we've got any Archie fans out there, any fans of ham radio, child pornography, that's usually all the same crew.

Let us know.

Take a break for beating off the CP.

So let us know the backstory with Archie.

Yes.

Yeah, no, Archie's had a weird.

He had a black girlfriend in the 70s for the first time.

That was big, dude.

That was big for civil rights.

Archie should be gay now, I think.

Isn't he gay?

Or is Jughead gay?

One of the main guys is gay now.

Jughead's gay now.

They're still making those comics?

No, in the show or something.

In the show.

Or maybe in the comics.

I thought Jughead was a monarch.

He literally killed him.

He did not make an original idea.

Was what?

Jughead was a monarch.

Yeah, that's why he's wearing a crown.

Yeah, that was like his, that's his minority.

He's a king in exile.

Right.

Here's from Spider-Man.

You know what's funny?

He's a European principality.

He's Basque.

He's a Basque monarchist.

What's funny is shit is they still do make every comic.

And they just have gone through every idea.

Like Jughead, I think it is in the comics.

Like, Batman is like, I don't know, a woman or something.

Yeah, I like how Marvel is cashing in on all the...

This is what I fucking love.

Yeah, there's a lot of good stuff.

Those Marvel movies got popular with fucking the big ones like Spider-Man and Batman.

And it took like four years before they're like, yeah, we really have only produced a couple of good ideas.

So here's

what was that shitty Seth Rogam of the Green Hornets?

Oof.

That sucked.

Did it suck?

Yeah.

It was Michelle Gondry who made it.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I never saw it.

Well, that's how quickly they ran out of fucking comic book shit to draw from.

Well, now they got Black Panther.

That actually is probably going to be tight.

The show was cool.

Which show?

The The Black Panther Show.

I never saw it.

Yeah, there was an animated Black Panther show.

Really?

I would peep that shit.

That might be on Netflix.

Doctor Strange sucked dick.

We talked about that.

Ant-Man apparently was good.

I don't know.

Who cares?

They should make Ant-Man, but it's Anthony Kumiya.

Yeah.

And his power is the N-word.

No, his power is a gun.

He just has a concealed carry permit.

It's a gun and a very detailed knowledge of staying your ground laws state by state.

What are you guys?

Stay in your ground, good or bad.

That's where we're leaving this one.

Yeah, tweet at it.

You're a lot of fun.

Tweet at Nick's happy Valentine's Day.

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